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Jana

My Boring SI Story

Copyright, Jana

I’ve been cutting for a few years now. As a little kid, I used to bang my head against the wall, and stupid psychotic shit like that. This story is kind of jumpy, don’t even bother… I just thought I’d write it down.

I didn’t have that bad of a childhood, therefore, my story isn’t like most on here. My step-mother (my real mother died when I was three) made me feel inferior to everyone. She taught me (whether it was intentional or not) that crying was childish and selfish. Being selfish is my biggest fear. I love to help everyone, I believe that you should not even think of yourself. If that’s so wrong, shoot me. Being an only child, I turned to my friend, Erin. Erin is the only thing my world revolves around. We were instant, inseperable friends in pre-school. We were inseperable our whole lives. She was my only family. She is everything I want to be. Everyone loves her, and they all should. Our junior year of high school, she started becoming more popular. She got a job, and got new friends. Older friends. She started drinking… having fun with them. I got left behind. I started drinking so that I could party with her — just be around her — but it wasn’t enough. She still blows me off. I can’t take it. It drives me insane above all else. She is my only friend. Everyone else can go to hell. I don’t care about anyone but her, and she cares about everyone but me.

Don’t get me wrong, she’s not the only reason I cut. I cut because I’m alone. My stepmother moved out, and my dad’s at work all the time. Hell, my “boyfriend” doesn’t even call me. I have no job, and at the moment, no vehicle (mine’s getting fixed), I’m really not any good at being alone. Erin’s not really supportive. She knows about my cutting. She called me “fucking stupid” at first, and now pretends not to notice my tracks. It’s better that way. My cuts aren’t really deep, like most they started as scratches, and they’re just now started to draw blood. We’re going to different colleges in the fall. Hopefully, we’ll go our seperate ways. It’s not what I want by any means, but I know it’s what I need. Hopefully, it will lead to getting over this fixation and my cutting. I just need to get out of the house. I just miss the world. I don’t think going back to a shrink would help me. I know that SI is bad, I know that my abandonment issues lead me to it. What else can a doctor tell me?

 

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