Psyke.org

Izzard

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Copyright Izzard

I have been looking around to find a website like this for a while now. It’s strange to see how many people I can relate to.

I am a girl who never quite grew up. When I was thirteen I met a guy and thought I fell in love with him. He was seventeen and so much more aware of the world and so took complete advantage of my innocence. He used to get me drunk and then touch me. A few weeks after that he made me smoke cannabis and ended up raping me. This rape became an almost daily thing, he would chain me to his bed and put something in my mouth so he couldn’t hear me say no. Sometimes he’d blindfold me, it was then that I would allow myself to cry, never when he could see me would I cry because if I said something to him he would put a pillow or something over my head and tell me to shut up.

Meanwhile I had started to cut myself, I never did it just to see what it was like — my very first cut was straight at both wrists — I bled and cried a lot that night hoping that I wouldn’t wake up. As the months went on I developed MPD and whenever I wasn’t with my boyfriend would live life as Jack. He became so prominent in my life that he was there to take my mind off my boyfriend dragging me into the woods or pushing me under him as we sat on a bench. I still don’t know why I went out with my boyfriend for so long, I guess I was scared — he had hit me a couple of times. But the cutting still got worse; my arms from the shoulder to the wrist were scarred and I had started on my neck. He noticed one day and shook me till my nose bled — that was the first day I cried in front of him. I thought he would be caring — would be sympathetic. But no — he would just make fun of me.

After a year or so I managed to pluck up the courage to break up with him — I pretended it was because he was going to college but finally I had rid myself of him. It was round about that time my parents had realised about the cutting and I managed to get help, but not really this guy was so patronising and I couldn’t trust him because he told my parents everything. So life around then was pretty rubbish.

But now I have found myself a loving boyfriend who cares a lot about me and he was the first person I ever told about everything. Recently I’ve been having repercussions or something but I feel like I’m back with my ex and I keep having dreams about him. I have periods of time I don’t remember things but I realise there are cuts all over me. I hate the fact I’ve gone back into cutting again and that the past has come back to haunt me.

 

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