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Ivy

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Copyright Ivy

I started when I was eleven, when I was in grade 6. I don’t even remember what I was thinking or feeling that first night although I remember sitting there holding the blade watching the blood pour out of the back of my hand, getting up and walking to the bathroom to get tissue to get it to stop. The scariest part of it all now that I look back is I never knew it even existed and I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong. It was during winter break and I don’t remember anything else. I don’t remember when it became an obsession for me or anything. I just know that I’m seventeen now and heading into grade 12 and I don’t go through one single day without wanting to cut, usually the days that I don’t cut I burn. I even carry around a lighter and matches so I can whenever I need to. And cutting and burning aren’t my only two releases, I hit and punch and do everything to feel pain. I pull out my hair, pick my scabs whatever works.

The worst part of all this is I can’t even cry anymore. I think I have it worked out why, I was once yelled at by my dad to stop crying and not being able to do so he stormed out of the room which nevertheless made me even more upset because it was during dinner. It was at a point while he was trying to work through his own depression. I sit here wanting to cry and I can’t. I can be so upset and can feel the tears in my mind yet not able to actually create them. It’s frustrating because other than crying I don’t know how to show emotion. I don’t yell or scream I just tolerate and take it out on myself later. On the occasion that I can tell someone it seems so stupid in my mind and I hate to bother them because I know what it’s like to listen to other people’s problems and I hate it. I lost my best friend because all she would ever do was tell me about her problems and it’s hard and annoying and I’m sitting here writing this wanting to cry but I can’t. I just can’t.

I don’t even no if I want to stop all my SI now. At one point it was set in my mind that I would quit and it would be gone and I could go back to whatever I did before I started, which I don’t remember, but the truth is I’m scared. I’ve done it for so long that I don’t know anything but it’s scary. What am I supposed to do when I finally quit? Even now as I write this I’m playing with my lighter, running my fingers through the flames and then pressing the hot metal into my hand and wrist feeling the burn. I’m so messed up and I don’t even no what to do anymore.

 

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