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Fatmia

A Never Ending Guilt

Copyright, Fatmia

I’m twenty and I’ve self harmed for eight long years. It wasn’t so bad when I was young. I felt unloved and alone, it was my secret, the thing that made me different to all the others. But as I grew up, guilt crept in.

I met my now husband when I was fifteen. It was difficult for him, knowing me, loving me when I hurt myself. Then I had two beautiful children. Trying to hide your self inflicted wounds from your children is difficult. When your four year old child comes and says ‘mummy, you hurt yourself?’ you want to slash and slash away your guilt and bad until there’s no blood left to shed. It’s a vicious circle. When you’ve hurt yourself, you see you’ve hurt the people you love too. The look in their eyes, a mixture of sadness and disappointment, your heart breaks a little bit more. You can’t vow to not do it again, it would be a lie and empty promise like all the promises ever made to you. You know you shouldn’t, you think about it even when you’re not doing it, which makes you want to do it more.

I have it from both sides. Someone I love like a son hurts himself. And it kills me. I want to take away his pain and lock it up, never let it out. But I can’t, and I can’t criticise either. I do exactly as he does. Why should I say ‘don’t do it’ when I do it too?

Now I’m trapped. I’ve been cutting so long, I’m scared to not do it. If I go ‘too long’ without doing it, I have to cut, just to release that stress.

I don’t think I’ll ever recover, but I pray that everyone else who suffers as I do, does and can continue with their life happily.

 

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