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Cinthia

Copyright Cinthia

My name is Cinthia and my cuts are not as bad as everybody’s on this page but I still do them. I started getting the idea off a friend of mine. She started doing it around 6th or 7th grade. I started in 7th grade, which by the way was one of my worst years ever. I’m thirteen now. Drama came along with my 7th grade year. Sometimes when my cuts are fresh I sit there at night and think about it and I cry. Why? Because I think back when I was younger like in 6th grade when I didn’t have all these problems. When I didn’t have to deal with a broken heart or all the insults. So many times I’ve wished I could go back in time when I didn’t have all these problems. Where I didn’t have to cut myself just to get through life. I’ve tried killing myself twice. Every day I pray that I will go away. I just don’t want to live here. I mean what’s the point? I just go through life with cuts all over. Every little mistake and I turn to the knife. One day I was really pissed off at my mom and I remembered that cutting could make it all go away so I did it. After that I guess I got addicted or something because I couldn’t stop. It wasn’t as bad at first, but as time went by that’s what I needed to do to get by the week. I do it for many reasons. One because of my so-called friends who always make fun of me because of my body. See, I’m skinny. They call me names like toothpick and anorexic. But I’m not anorexic or bulimic or whatever else there is for skinny people. I don’t know why but that really gets to me and I can’t do anything about it because most of them have good bodies so I go home and take it out on myself. My parents are another reason why I cut. They put too much pressure on me and they piss me off all the time, sometimes I can’t take it so I get the scissors out and I just harm myself. My mom doesn’t even know that I cut yet. They are all over my arms and my legs, most of them are scars by now but they are still pretty noticable. It hurts that she doesn’t pay enough attention to me, to realise that, hello, her daughter has problems of her own and she cuts herself. Another reason I cut too is because of love. You know when you get really involved with someone and they end up breaking your heart. Well that’s happened to me and it hurts really bad. In a way I want my mom to find out in a way I don’t. I want her to know that I’m growing up and all that pressure she puts on me doesn’t help. I want my parents to know that I can’t be perfect and I never will. I really want to stop cutting, I want to find another way to release my anger and pain. I don’t want to be stuck with the name ‘cutter’ for the rest of my life. I don’t want to harm my body just because someone pisses me off. Because at the end of the day my problems don’t go away, I just get stuck with one more cut on my skin.

 

Permanent location: http://www.psyke.org/personal/c/cinthia