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Big Brother

Skin Deep

Copyright Big Brother

When I started cutting I was older than a lot of the people who start early, I was eighteen. I been through a lot of bad times when I was younger, the stress does not seem to go away only get worse. I was at work, I work in construction, I was realy stressed out on that day so I took a nail and just went skin deep on my arm after that I made many more cuts with that nail. I liked the way it made me feel I can’t realy describe it though it’s like for a moment all your pain does not matter anymore or maybe I just wanted to relieve the pain in my mind by putting pain elsewhere. The nail soon got old and I wanted somthing sharper, kind of like someone on drugs wants somthing harder, well anyway I found a small pocket knife I carried it with from then on so I could cut when ever I wanted to. The were getting worse deeper and longer and there was a lot more of them then what I had did with the nail. Now I had to hide them from my family and friends so I started wearing long sleeves it was summer time so I stuck out of a crowd which did not make a difference anyway I hate any place with a lot of people. I moved on from the small knife and on to a razor I quickly found I did not like it, it cut too quick so I got a knife with a jagged blade that seemed perfect I cut deeper and sawed at my arm trying. My first thought was the more I cut the better chance I won’t chicken out when the time comes for the big last cuts. Then my whole world came crashing down one day I was asleep my arm must have been hanging off the couch my sister then sixteen was getting ready for school she watched the news every morning she woke me up and said Jeremy what the hell is this, I knew my family was about to know I was a cutter but as long as they did not know why. She asked what is this again I said I did it at work which would have been a good story if the cuts were not from my shoulder to my wrist on the top of my arm and from elbow to shoulder on the bottom. She did not believe me and asked why I would do that to myself, of course I did not have a response she would understand, so I said don’t tell my little brothers. She said they will see them anyway she said tell her why and she would not tell them I was cutting, I would not tell the reason I was cutting so she told them which led to whole other line of questioning so when they were off to school I made two more cuts on my arm where the elbow is but on top where the arm bends deep cuts blood was really flowing but my dad came in and saw me and tied some shirts around my arms and called 911. My father was there to save me from death but was not there when I truly needed saving before I had step brother and sisters when I was alone and this all started. I started cutting at eighteen but started burning at thirteen but that is a whole nother story which I will write later.

Scars

Copyright Big Brother

On his left arm he bears scars of a knife where he tried to cut away the mistakes of life. On his right arm bears scars of a flame where he tried to burn away the pain. The worst scars by far are the scars on his mind he looks for somthing he can’t find it must have been left behind he would change everything if only he could what he lost was his childhood he is afraid to tell the truth how he lost his youth. People say it’s not your fault your not the one to blame. He knows it’s not his fault but he is ashamed. He puts on this act like everything is OK but he wonders what they would say if they only knew what he went through. What would you do if it was you in his shoes. He finds it hard to sleep, one day he might cut to deep. He fears the day he goes to far and creates other scars in the minds of his little brothers and his mother who would miss him he if left. They ask why he cuts hisself he says so the pain on the outside covers the pain on the inside like he tries to hide the pain from hisself as well as everybody else. Deep down they know something’s wrong and home this won’t go on for to long he is the older brother he has to be strong. You know it went to far when everything you are is represented in a scar.

 

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