Psyke.org

Beccy

Self Harm

Copyright, Beccy

I’ve been self harming for about five years now, I’m fourteen. My arms are pretty messed up. I have been in a psychiatric ward for three months now because of a depressive mood disorder. Cutting really helps but has messed up my life. The feeling is great but addictive. A&E people treat you differently, like you’re mad or something but it doesn’t occour to them that you were sexually assulted when you were twelve or bullied for six and a half years, that you swallow glass to kill the bad within, you tie that rope round your neck hoping the shit will go away. Too dumped on meds. Therapy, help in the community. My life is so scary there is no future without my self harm. I can’t cope without it. It’s my relief, it’s my control, it’s mine. Life is a mess without the cutting. Just stab the knife in and drag it. I’ve been to A&E thirty times since I was thirteen. How shit is that? I’ve been on one-to-one arms length for weeks, and restrained and had my life taken away. Self harm messes up your life, get as much help as possible.

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Copyright, Beccy

Just out of curiosity, there are a lot of references on your site to Christ and Christianity. Is this coincidental, or are you a Christian? Your site has been very beneficial to me. I have been cutting for only five months, but that is five months too long. I cut to relieve the pain inside of me. You can’t remove emotional pain but you can see physical pain heal and get better. If physical pain can heal, maybe all the pain inside of me can heal as well. I don’t feel anything. I know that I hurt, that I am sad, but I don’t feel it. I can’t feel close to anyone, I just want to feel something. Physical pain is indisputable; it reminds me that I can feel something, that despite everything I am human. But saying that, it doesn’t hurt when I cut. It hurts three, four hours later, but when I cut all I feel is a release. Like a dam breaking and all the rage, and hurt is let out by tears of blood. I have spent my life so far being abused by variuos people. My mum physically and emotionally abused me and I was sexually abused by an older guy for four years. I’m not necessarily angry, but cutting helps me cope. I know it’s wrong, stupid and irresponsible but it’s a part of me. I have grown up in Church, I love God and am a strong christian. As was/is my mum. This is what makes it seem more bizarre; the body being a temple of the Holy Spirit and all, but it’s a part of me.

 

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