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Another Girl Like Me

I was an Addict

Copyright, Another Girl Like Me

I was an SI (self injury) addict. Between spring/summer of 2004 to Febuary/March-ish of 2005, I used self harm as a way of expressing my pain. I would use pins, needles, seam rippers and mainly scissors to cut. I was actually very good at hiding it, only cutting on my leg, and mostly on my hip and thigh, on the right side. I would cut on my arm now and then, once leaving a fairly deep mark on the side of my arm, I still have a scar there.

How did it begin? I used it as a form of punishment starting out. When I’d screw up, I’d take a pin and drag it accros my skin until it hurt really bad, so I wouldn’t go crazy with guilt. I’d pinch or hit myself. Early on, I learned best friend was also doing it, so I confided in her. It felt nice to be able to talk to someone about it.

Soon it grew, I craved pain. I would feel so numb I needed to feel something. My cutting quickly went from self punishment to something more. I frequented self-injury messege boards and talked to others about it. I was so suprised to see how many people felt like I did.

November of 2004, I look back at now and realize that was rock bottom for me. I’d sit and cut and cry. I carried my ‘tools’ with me to school, and cut nearly every day or every other day. My school uniform pants were tight, so my cuts rubbed and stung through out the day. I made my first attempt to quit that December, but my Great Grandmother was in the hospital near death. I used rubber bands as a subsitute for a cut, but when I got home from visiting her, I’d go in the bathroom hack into my leg. So, i decided to quit trying to quit, I needed that pain far too much.

My biggest meltdown came after she got out of the hospital, I felt guitly for not doing something a friend had asked me to do, so I shut myself in the bathroom again and cut. I layed on the floor sobbing for a half hour and then realized, ‘look at yourself, girl! What have you become?’ So I made a newyears resolution not to cut, so my friend and I went and tossed my seem ripper in the creek. I relapsed a good many times after that, I relapsed and cut one last time in June 2005.

I tried so hard to quit, the second time around. I staring going to a teen therapy group, and out and out lied about my problem. But, I ended up telling another friend of mine, but I know she wouldn’t say a word. She also cuts. In recovery, I got ‘withdrawal’, I had horrible mood swings,and craved cutting so badly, I’d pick scabs off my arm, just so I could see blood.

I think my major turning point came after the birth of my nephew, I love him so much.

Keep in mind, it’s not just ‘little goth girls’ that do it. It can be the pretty popular girl in school, or the guy that sits next to you in math. It can be anyone, it can be you.

 

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