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Alison

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Copyright, Alison

The first time I harmed myself was at the age of seven. I still can remember that day; I was really angry and just scratched my hand until it bled. Someone noticed this and asked me, why I did that but I didn’t answer. I didn’t really know myself, in fact, it seemed quite normal to me.

After that I scratched myself once or twice again.

I think as I was about twelve or thirteen I started cutting. I can’t really remember. Like I’ve said before, to me it was something natural, something normal. At the beginning I used knives and cut my arms. Later I also took pen-knives and cut my legs. I didn’t do it that often at that time so nobody really noticed (except some friends, but my family didn’t know). Not until my situation became that bad that I cut some small chunks out of my hand with a scissor and took an overdose of medicine some weeks later. After that my mother knew of my self-injury. But she didn’t understand me. Each time she saw that I had cut myself she started yelling at me and in the end she was the one being depressed and crying. But I continued cutting. I also started pulling hairs out, hitting, biting and pinching myself and picked up scratching again.

But at some stage I said to myself that it couldn’t go on like this. I decided to go to therapy.

Today I’m nearly seventeen. I’m still in therapy (but only for a few months now, and only once in three weeks or so) but it is very difficult for me to say something (in fact, I have never really talked about my SI). I still cut. Though not that often anymore but I started to cut almost everywhere: Arms, legs, feet, face, breasts, back, shoulders, I have even got scars on my ears.

I read a lot about psychology and especially about mental illnesses and I think I’ve found the reason why I harm myself. As a child I often got beaten as a punishment (in fact, it only really stopped with my brother moving out a year ago) and I cut to punish myself. That’s probably why at the beginning I thought it was something natural.

I wanted to say this because I have never talked about my problem and maybe it will help me… a bit… Thank you for listening.

Killer Kat

Copyright, Alison

My name is Alison, I am 15 and a self-confessed cutter, I have been cutting for over a year now because it is a better way to make you feel better than talking to someone who will tell you that it is wrong… I am not suicidal, well not at the moment at least. Some days I want to end it all thinking about my childhood…

I had a sexually abusive dad… And people think that I will get over it when I know I won’t because I grew up in a world of fear… A fear of your own father and they don’t know what it was like being scared to take a shower, always afraid he would come in and perve on his own daughters. Force you to watch him masturbate when you’re only 4 years old.

My problems are big… I can’t breathe a day without wishing I didn’t wake up in the morning. I don’t wanna die but sometimes wish I had never been born. I am not loved by anyone because my mum only cares about herself and my sisters have their own ways to deal with their sexual abuse whereas I have my cutting.

I know that one day I will cut too deep and kill myself but till that hopeful day comes I will be here in my empty shell with these memories and scars.

My arms have small cuts on them, I cut enough to make them bleed and there is automatic ecstacy, I don’t know why this happens to me but it’s better than getting drunk, or stoned, or getting laid (wait, that’s pretty good though). I have mates who are just like me but they go to therapy (I will not say names cause they will kill me) and that helps them get through their problems but I can’t deal with mine in the same way.

I saw my dad the other day because my mum thinks that us kids will forget the trauma and the pain and be one big happy family again. So she invites him over so I see him a lot and it makes me want to slit my head off. But I will never do that because I would chicken out. Seeing him look at me makes me feel 2 inches big hoping that I would disappear and never see him look at me ever again.

I will never live up to any expectations that have been set for me. I am bad at school because I get in fights because I can’t fit in. I can’t do my work because it is to hard and I don’t have that long of an attention span. People give you a hard time because you are different when they don’t know what you go through every day. They don’t know how hard it is to wake up in the morning.

My life is in shatters and my cutting is my saviour and I don’t think I want to stop anymore. I used to want to stop but now it’s an addiction. It is the answer to my prayers. I get in a fight with my mum and my knife is there, my knife does not answer you back. It does not try to stop you, and best of all it doesn’t try to make you into something that you are not.

welcome to my world…
i cant go back
just keep goin on
excisting
as nuthin
and empty shell
no soul
no heart
no pulse
and not a damn about weather I need you to keep living on
i dont know
i dont know love
i only know hate
and what you did to me
when I was so innocent
so pure
so young
not knowing wot you did was wrong
and I cant move on
i am in hate mode
permanently
and you cant blackmail me with you lies anymore
i can not be owned by you

If you have anything you want to say to me, email me on ali_da_lil_kat@hotmail.com.

My attempts of ending my hell will probably never end but I will do my best.

 

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