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Alexis

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Copyright Alexis

I cannot sit here and pretend to be OK because I know it’s not. You do not know me you never did. The cuts on my wrist are getting deeper and deeper. I’m near the edge. Fuck that, I’m way over. I’ve been over, you just never noticed. That’s the problem with all you fucking people. You never notice anything, you just assume I’m OK. Yeah, I sit there and smile but that doesn’t mean shit because on the inside I’m screaming and crying out for something and sumone. I just need to undastand. I need to grasp the concept of why I keep getting hurt and all I did was be the best friend I could. But yet again this has happened twice. What am I? Something you like to make fun of, someone you like two hurt and see go through pain? Just answer me. Because I can’t go on not knowing the answer. I don’t know why but you guys affect me so much that no matter what you do I just keep coming back for more and getting more abuse in return. But I know it’s all my fault. Look, can’t you see I can’t even blame you. I always blame myself. I know it’s been way over a couple of months and I should have been over this but I just can’t. It’s just affected me so much. Why am I even talking because you will never undastand. You will never know how much you’ve affected me or even how much you hurt. You’ll just keep thinking that it was all my fault and you never hurt even though you did. I’ll just go home with a smile and end my life with one red slit because that’s the only way I might get your attention. Fuck that, you probably won’t even care…

You

Copyright Alexis

No more memories. I don’t need the stress. Looking back on the bad times, looking back in the past and remembering you I sit and cry. When I see your face in my head I’m plagued with your face, your laugh and your smile. I look back on the fun times we shared and passing over the bad. I loved you, you were my best frend, you made me happy and made life worth living. But in the end I understand that I was just your puppet, your toy, something to laugh and make jokes about. You’ll never know how much you hurt me because I’ll never show you my true pain. When you said goodbye I thought I was gonna die. I took that knife and began to carve the letters of your name, piercing the skin on my arm, letting the blood drip. I know you’re the one that should be blamed, but I blame myself. I should have been by your side, I should have never betrayed you. I felt so miserable, I’ll never be happy again. I tried to wash away the pain with alchohol but it only hurt more. I tried to die away with pills but I didn’t take enough. I tried to slice my wrists and make all the emptiness in my heart cease to exist, but I didn’t cut deep enough. Those are just my failed attempts of suicide, failed attempts of forgetting you. I can’t sleep at night because all I have are nightmares of your face. I can’t go a day without crying because I hear your laugh in my head. I can’t stop wanting to die because I miss you so much. Now the world will see what you have done to me. You just wait and see. You have changed all my thoughts. Now they are of death, pain and suicide. Every waking momemt of my day I just want to break down and cry. The only emotion I feel is pain, hurt and depression. I might laugh at people’s jokes but that’s only a fake smile. You should be glad I was caught cutting. But I promise you this, the next time I cut it will be my last and you’ll be delivered, my suicide note.

I Understand

Copyright Alexis

Written in the point of view of someone who knows a cutter.

I see beyond the looks and your tough exterior, I understand that underneath it all you hurt. I see how you keep it all locked away in a deep, dark chamber in your heart. When you hurt, I hurt, when you cry, I cry. I see how problems get too tough in your life and you just can’t handle it, and you do things you wish you hadn’t, you let your blood drip from a single cut… You feel as if your pain just flowed out into a crimson red puddle that can be washed away in a second only for it to leave scars of the pain you once felt. If only you knew how much I cared.

One Little Cut

Copyright Alexis

One little cut. You think you won’t do it again. It’s not who you are but then it takes over you. You think you can stop any time. You want to, but you can’t live another day without seeing the blood pour from your arm. One little cut becomes two, then there’s just too many to count. You try to stop but it’s taken over your life. Every time I try to stop I fail and then I cut deeper. And every time I fail those cuts on my arm build up like railroad tracks. Getting one track closer to my wrist. Once you start you just can’t stop. All because of that one little cut.

 

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