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Alexandria

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Copyright Alexandria

I first started cutting myself when I was in highschool. I’m now in my junior year of college and still have problems with it. I have tried to stop several times because I know it’s unhealthy and dangerous, but I can’t really control it. When I get mad or sad about something I get really, really mad or really, really sad, even if it is not a “big deal”. I don’t really know what it is, but with so much homework and constant yelling of my mom to “act my age” (I’m twenty-one) and telling me how irresponsible I am, which is not true. She is really strict and all my friends know that. Like, one time she made me get out of bed at 6 a.m. to go and put the checkers away becuase I forgot to do it. And she knows that once I’m up I can’t go back to sleep because that’s just the person I am. So I had to sit around until 12:30 to go to school. When I get grounded (for stupid junk like not doing my chores before 6 p.m.) I can’t watch tv, listen to music, go on the computer or go out anywhere. I’m twenty-one for God’s sake and she treats me like a kid. It’s hard to live with her. We don’t get along well. My dad is always telling me how bad things are around the house because of my “poor attitude” and relationship with my mom. I tried having a good relationship with my mom but it’s not easy when she is yelling at me for stupid things all the time. So all this tension upsets me and causes me to cut my wrist with whatever I can find. Glass, scissors, pens, knives anything sharp that will make me bleed. I don’t know why, but it relaxes me a lot when I see blood dripping from my arm. I would never hurt my mother or anybody else that gets me upset. I’d rather injure myself. There have been times when I didn’t want to live at all and I just wanted my life over with. And then I thought about my younger sister and my boyfriend. I love them so much and I don’t want to leave them and make them upset by doing something like that. It wouldn’t be fair to them. I love them way too much to hurt them like that. That I must say is the only reason I’m still here. I’ve told my boyfriend about my problem and he is concerned and worried for me. But there is really nothing he can do. I’ve told my cousin about it and he also was concerned and is still insisting that I see a doctor but the doctor I’m seeing can’t help me. She just makes fun of my problem and shares everything with my parents. Which I hate because then they yell at me for action or having certain feelings. My sister once cut herself. It wasn’t big, it was just a little scractch. I don’t know where she got the idea because she never knew about me or saw my cuts, but when mom saw her cut she got so mad and yelled at her. Telling her how stupid she is etc. If she knew that I cut myself bigger and deeper. She would literally kill me. My best friend has seen my cuts and she asks what I did and I tell her I don’t remember. I don’t like to lie to her but if she knew she would be way depressed and concerned for me and I don’t want her to go through that. I want help, but I can’t afford it. The doctor that my parents force me to go to now for other issues costs $100 or more for an hour. I don’t have that kind of money.

 

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