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14 and Alone

I am who I am

Copyright, 14 and Alone

I’ve hated myself for years now, year six, twelve years old and suffering from mild depression, wow you’re probably thinking. Pfft. After my Grandad died I started to blame myself for everything, because I felt I was the cause of his death. You can’t heal what’s on the inside, or outside for that matter, that would just be me changing for all you fuckers out there who don’t like me the way I am. Ever since my head started to fuck me around I’ve felt as if I’m falling into a big black hole with no way out, maybe it’s my escape route, and maybe if I choose to take that path my pain and anxiety would slowly start to fade away. I’m finding it hard to choose, there are so many people who I would hurt and maybe even kill too, but surely they would understand, right? See, this is where trust comes into all this, I’ve placed my trust upon so many people and I really do regret it! The only answers I get from them is it’s the music I listen to that gets me depressed, when it’s actually them making me this way. Of all the people I have spoken to about my problems only one understood. It sickens me to think that that person is my only true friend. When all the other people let me cry on them, telling me it’ll be allright when they’re actually talking bull! The drink was the one thing that soothed me, but still having a bit to drink I got angry, I’ve kicked, scremed, punched, cut, and damaged myself and one of these days I’m gonna kick myself harder than I’ve ever done before. I can’t look at my face because I’m too scared of myself, I sometimes think that I’ll see the real me in the mirror and I’ll have a complete breakdown. If it’s anything in the world I want, it’s to have the real me back, fuck swimming with dolphins, fuck finding my dad, I want me back! And I’ll be hurting myself from this day onwards until I find myself. I’m 14 now and I haven’t changed one bit. I want to believe that in the coming future I’ll be happy again, but I’m scared of going off my bridge. That song “My Immortal” by Evanescence relates to me so much it’s unbelievable. My wounds won’t heal. I can’t help but feel suicidal every time I see a blade or something sharp. I just want to cut all the inside out, I feel so ugly inside, so dark and cold, on the outside I’m not exactly warm, but I’m not as cold. I’m so afraid of killing the outside, I just want the inside dead. I can’t hurt those I once loved they all mean so much to me. I ask myself “If tomorrow never came for me, would anyone care?” I guess I’ll have to wait and see.

 

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