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Pamela
Copyright, Pamela
To Look Within
It forces itself through me
a bolt of lightening
entered and now must
escape.
It streams through my veins
sinks into my stomach
clogs into my mind
looking for a gap
a hole
a mistake.
I feel it in my heart beat
in the weakness of my stomach
in the pounding of my temples.
I hear it screaming
as it runs, almost out of breath,
still very alive.
Anything can let it in,
a mistake
bad mark
memory
but only one thing can
let it out.
That one thing is a scrape
along healed flesh
the blood trickling
down a forearm
finally letting my veins cry
releasing electricity.
I Don't Want to Remember
the day you turned sixteen
coming to school with a bandaged arm
trying to hide it under long sleeves but
attracting uncomfortable glances,
questions and accusations.
I don't want to remember you locking yourself
in the bathroom stall,
hearing the unraveling of toilet paper,
then brush against your broken skin,
seeing you open the door, smiling,
ready to return to class.
I don't want to remember your self mutilation
confusing close friends and family,
forcing us to ask ourselves what we did wrong.
I wanted to forget about you falling
asleep in the hall,
exhausted after staying up
to study the entire night
because you have to be as good as
everyone else or you
would have to be punished.
Tired of trying so hard to understand your actions,
sick of always hearing this time
you couldn't control it
but next time
it would be different.