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Nicole
Copyright, Nicole
This action was definitally not expected by me. I hid it so well all throughout high school. I was the girl that never did anything bad: I graduated never drinking a DROP or doing anything with drugs. I didn't even hang out with those types really. I was so proud the day I left, but once I got into college I started drinking, a lot!
I thought leaving the university after the first semester, and coming to a community college closer to home would take care of things, but I didn't really. Things were good for awhile, but it was when I started my second year that my problems became so obvious.
I dated lots of differnet guys, my friends siad that It was like I always had someone around, and I was smoking weed a lot. It was 2nd semester that I started drinking and partying more. First semester it was a servere eating disorder, that almost killed me, then it bacame a drinking problem that became my undoing. I got to the pt. where I was sometimes drinking night, if not every other, and my sexual habits were picking up too. I am not proud of any of these things, but I find it necessary to put in the story to show how things were step by step falling apart.
It was March 14th,my moms birthday and I called her. She called me back later, and I was drunk: I managed to ruin that for her. Then a few weeks later during easter weekend, I went to a kegger in a near by town (close to my hometown), and came home drunk. She locked me out, but finally let me in, after almost breaking the window. I ruined Easter too. I also told my mom about a recent MIP that i'd recieved in the dorms that previous monday, so that didn't help anything.
The next day was really the turning point. Everyone knew that I wasn't doing well with everything. I had a good day... It was April First after all! I recieved a call from my mom that night, saying how she wanted to come to court with me on Wed. for my MIP, and that angered me. My other friend told me that I'm just always full of something, if its not one thing its another. Then my best friend at school said that she thought I had a drinking problem (after the first fight with the other friend, I decided lets drink, cus I was angry). So, lets just say everything piled up and quickly.
This has led everyone to think for a long time that its their fault. That what they siad or didnt' say, or didn't do or what they did do was the reason that I took a bunch of pills. After my best friend said that, I just got to thinking that there's no hope for me, I'll never get better. I suffered from depression for over 5yrs, and was on meds for it, a lot. I shouldn't have been drinking with all those meds, worst of all my drinking was out of control. I left her room (I'm mentioning NO names), and came to mine, and grabbed my 5 bottles of psych meds and took a half months worth of each bottle. I must have taken close to 70 pills, and these were high miligram pills, over 20,000 miligrams. I felt fine at first. I slowly, calmly took the pill... putting the lids back on the bottles and placing them in my shelf again. Then two of my girl friends came in, and one new about some of these meds, thank god. She knew I was on them. I started crying, balling more like it. My other friends walked in, and I kind of remember screamning. I remember talking to a cop, and getting in the ambulance. The whole hall was out of their rooms, and I knew that what i'd just done was going to be everywhere by 2am.
My old roommate called my mom, and I remember waking up the next day -- my mom told me that I'd went into a comma and had 4 grand mal siezures as a result of the mediciane mixture with the half bottle of vodka I drank.
If I knew that all that trouble would have happened, I never would have done it. I was drunk and not thinking clearly, and I really didn't wnat to die. I hurt so many around me, and I was in the hospital for a week, and everyday people came to see me! It was awful in the psychiatric unit, I will never forget how hellish that was.
I almost Died. Those words ring in my head everyday. Its only been 3 weeks ago that this happened, but I owe so much to so many. Many are mad I'm back at school, but I just take it day by day. I am still in awe that I'm alive, I'm so lucky!
I was diagnosed as chemically dependent, so I don't party anymore. Sometimes I don't even want to be around people, but I know I need to deal with this. Life only comes once, and some get a second chance, I was one of them! How wonderful is that?
I am still figuring life out, and I know I'm just starting, but if you're thinking about doing this...please think again. If you just want to cry for help, then cry don't pill yourself! I was doing just that, and I almost died!
Life is wonderful, and I'm relearning all this. there is hope.