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Angela
Copyright, Angela
Walking into the blackness with my eyes shut!
- Have you ever closed your eyes and you are the only one that exists?
- Have you ever walked into the darkness?
- Have you ever draged a razor blade against your skin and then smiled?
- Have you ever overdosed on a drug and then laid there and thought this is my life?
If you have done any of this things you know where i'm coming from! and what this is about!
I had so much pain built up inside me and i didn't know what from or why i had it! One day i was outside in our barn with some friends and i jumped off our loft and when i fell i cut my arm on a barbred wire. And it hurt like hell but i felt good! But i couldn't tell any one that!
I was in my own little world and all the pain i had in me had no way of getting out and i just took a steak knife from our ketchen and i draged it along my upper arm. i felt a sting and the cool red blood running down my arm.
Once i realized that the cutting helps i kept the knife under my mattress so whenever i needed it it was there. At first i would just lie in my room and cut my upper arm, i would cut till i couldn't bare it anymore and that took along time! Then i started using guys to easy the pain once cutting wasn't helping, and i was drinking like an alcholic and thats mostlikely was what i was. But i still cut and cut.
But summer came around and and i started cutting places that people wouldn't see them like on my chest and on the bottom of my feet. I wore short revealing clothes and so i had to cut in places people wouldn't see.
Later on i started writing words in my skin like run die fat cut, and i tried each and every one of those!
I was getting better i had cut less and less but i still had this pain and i started to drink and have sex w/ random guys instead of leaving physical scars i ended up leaving emotional scars!
I ended up running a way from home in august of 2001 with a guy i didn't even know the last name of all i knew was his name was jorge and he had cocaine! I ended up leaving him and hitch hiking 300 miles! I was finally caught.
And i have been clean know of everything for 5 months! I know what life can be like without all our horrors we put ourselves through.
I still to this day think of taking a razor blade or broken glass to my arms, and i still think of running, but i can't do it, i can't go through that any more!
Walking into the light with my eyes wide open!