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Ryan
Copyright, Ryan
I wrote this a couple of days ago to someone I wanted to talk to:
Hello. I'm a 17 year old high school Junior male... That's about all that i am. I started cutting myself because I wasn't who I wanted to be. I didn't want to be influenced by sex. I didn't want to be controlled by people who flash themselves around. And cutting helped me to achieve this goal. I now can say that I hate everyone and everything that is sexy. This is who I am, and this is what I want. I obviously saw a therapist and he helped and understood, but recently I started talking to this girl that I've always liked. She seemed so strong and free... until she told me about her past which is very much darker than mine. She would cry all night and take sleeping pills and she still cuts herself occasionally. I cannot really describe what I feel about her. I want to feel her pain, but she is very defensive... In all reality I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like I'm not good enough, that my pain is not as great as hers and it makes me want to vomit. She can simply say: 'You don't know how I feel' and I know she will be right. I want to feel that low.. that horrible hoplessness. I realize now that I don't really want to be happy, but I want to suffer. I'm not sure if I want to die.. I told my mom numerous times that this is the weak way out, but now I'm not so sure. But i do feel like going out and appalling people. I think that I will cut my usual places, only deeper so that they bleed more. I will put on a shirt and the blood will seep through. Then I will gash my tounge so that blood runs from my mouth... and then perhaps my wrists and neck, but not deep enough to border death. Then I will put on my coat, cranck up my cd player, and go for a walk around town. This is what I want, but I'm waiting for a good day when my family is not around to stop me. The fantasy grows in my head and if I do not carry it out then I will hate myself that much more. Plus, my scars are fading and I want them there... I need them there.
Heheh... I couldn't go through with the whole thing, but I feel I have made some progress, as sick as that sounds...It's strange... how brilliant and beautiful blood is when it flows from the body.. but how dark, morbid and flaky it becomes when it's dry. Sometimes I wish that I was a girl... most men would never admit this, but now I know it to be true. I do wish that I were a woman, that way I would have more to feel bad for, I could feel more repressed... but most of all, I could actually have emotions that come out rather than just boil within me. I want to cry, and to vomit, and to die. These are the three great releases. But I can't cry... sure my eyes water up every time I go for a walk and occationally some tears will make it to my cheeck, but I can never just let it all out. Why must I be this way? Because I am a fucking man, that's why. I feel like I've been cheated... cheated out of something grand. I cannot be proud to be a man... I don't even know what one is. If it's what television tells me it is, then I would rather (insert something godawful here) than be a man. Why do I have to know how to fight? Why does it matter whose ass I can kick? Why must my intellegence be insulted every time I turn on the television? Why must I be interested in sex and cars? Why can't I fucking cry? Why can't I suffer at this level? It all amounts to nothing I tell you... The worst part of it all is that I hear all of these horror stories about cutting and attempted suicide, but I am so weak myself that I probably couldn't cut that deep or try that hard to kill myself. The thought makes me sick, that I'm so weak that I can't even do that.