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Little Girl Lost
Copyright, Kayleigh
There are a thousand and one reasons why people self injure. I am by no means the norm for cutters. I'm 18, female, no eating diorders, no abuse. Just one very sad girl with a history of depression and lonliness that has messed up my life.
I started (I think) when I was 13. I was obviously depressed before that because I attempted suicide months before my 14th. Since then I've thought about it but never had the guts to try it again.
I cut using glass. On my arms, legs, stomach, ankles, feet, hands...
I attack my arms with a baseball bat until they're black.
I wish to God everyday that I'll just die because I don't have the guts to do it myself.
I was old compared to some people when I started. But think about it. A thirteen year old girl in so much pain that she feels she has to do this...
I'm 18 now. Living with my mom, my Dad not far away. They don't know yet. Five years of living with this. And they don't know.
It's physically hurts when I think about what I do. My chest tightens and I can't breathe. I find it so hard just to believe this is a problem. I still berate myself for trying to get attention... being melodramatic. But this is a problem. I have a problem. I don't want to stop. I have no intention of doing so. right now I just want the confusion to lift so I can feel again. The only time I ever feel is when I cut. Any other time and i'm emotionally numb.
I'd like to talk to other cutters. Mail me and tell me things. I guess all I really need is some one to tell me I'm okay. That they're there for me, the way that my parents never will be. Advice on telling parents would be good too.
Don't follow my lead... This is a bad thing to get involved in because it's an addiction. Once you start it's almost impossible to stop.