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Ali
Copyright, Ali
Self Mutilation
Self mutilation is something many of us will never have to face, but for some it is an every day battle, struggling to break free from the continuous circle that holds them in bondage. What once started of as a cry for help, soon developed into an addiction.
Sitting at the edge of her bed, she holds her stomach tight and leans over her weary body to gasp for breath. Tears flooding down her face, she is in hysterics. Why had she been chosen to live this life of suffering and disappointment? Was it never going to end? Just as one dagger is pulled out, another is fired into her heart. It is too much. Slowly, she picks her self up and wipes her face, she heads down stairs. Suicide follows her every move, whispering in her ear "It’s never going to end, you have been destined to live a life of fear and torment, there’s no way out."
Searching for the sharpest blade, she finally finds the victor, a small 4 inch kitchen knife, gift wrapped for her, ready for collection. She stands for some while, thinking hollow thoughts, staring into what could have been her future. It is quiet, the peacefulness is broken by the silence and slowly, oh so slow, she drags the blade across her wrist. Nothing. Something inside of her, deep within her heart of hearts must have wanted her to live. Something inside her subconscious, knew she deserved better than this. Tears still flowing down her blotchy face, she turned her arm over and dragged the knife across, a little deeper this time. Suddenly, a flow of blood emerged from the sliced skin. It felt so good. It felt so good watching the blood run out of the cut and drip onto the floor.
She was instantly brought into a state of ecstasy, where the vale of hurt was removed. Everything was white and void and had no meaning, only pleasure and release was here. The blood ran slowly. By the time it dripped, the blood was cold and it felt like paradise.
No amount of counselling or ‘talking’ could give the relief this did for her. No amount of crying could free The Tormenter inside like this did. Searching for a fresh piece of skin to cut that hadn’t already been soaked in blood, didn’t prove difficult. She drags the knife through the 4 month previously scarred skin. Immediately the skin splits and blood bursts through. She cocks her head to one side and smiles like an innocent child. She made a game of it, what stream of blood would drip onto the floor first?
Then, reality checks in, the adrenalin stops and she is taken out of her state of ecstasy. The vale of hurt is replaced by a cloak of heaviness and the pain starts over again.
The game ends and the pain begins, she washes clean the blood off her arm and floor, before replacing the knife back in its discovered position.
Crawling up stairs into her bed she rests her tiered, shaken body.
Never has she felt so alone.
I Hope
I hope you receive ten fold, the hurt you caused me,
I hope you earn back the tears you made me cry.
I hope you feel the unbearable tearing sensation within,
I hope it still haunts you when you lie in your coffin.
I hope you cry so much, you want to vomit.
I hope you cry so much, your body goes into uncontrollable spasms,
Then you’ll know the smallest detail as to how you made me feel.
I hope you hurt so much, you rock back and forth on your bathroom floor,
I hope you hurt so badly, you want to cut your self, to release the pain within.
I hope you cry so much, your eyes burn like acid.
I hope you forever remember the feeling of cold blood, slowly dripping off your arm.
I hope you hurt so much, your head aches like to worldly description.
I hope you’re in so much pain, that when your body sweats and your heart pounds, you remember what you did to me.
I hope that when the lights go off and the day draws to and end,
Insomnia is your only friend!