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Living with Self Injury
Stories about what it's like to live with self injury. Some stories tell of not wanting to stop.
Scars
If you saw my upper arms, you'd see they were covered in scars. 'How did you do that?' or 'What the hell have you done to your arms?' people ask. I did it to myself. *confusedlook* they return. If you're a confused person now, then maybe reading here will help you become less confused. Maybe. If by any chance you're someone who self harms, then hopefully you'll find this interesting... But please be warned of potentially 'triggering' content.
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Beth
For a long time, I didnt know that a lot of the things I do were self-destructive or self-harming. I had never been a cutter and I thought that my wishes to be hurt or really really sick were just attention-getting thoughts. Not that I ever shared them with anyone, so i didnt get attention for having them. But I guess it was drilled into me as a child by my grandmother that I wasnt allowed to be sick. She always called me a hypocondriac if I had a cold and didnt feel better by the second day. I never told my grandmother if I was hurt physically, I'm not entirely sure why. I did some pretty stupid things as a kid, so it was natural that I got hurt a time or two. Like when I tried jumping from a stack of boards into a garage of a house that was being built in my neighborhood. I "forgot" or didnt realize that the garage had an overhang and I slammed my forehead into it at full jumping speed... lol. Or the time I stepped on a nail, screamed "Oh Sh*t!", then brought my other foot down onto another nail. I hobbled home with each foot tied up in a sock. But I never told my grandmother about it. So I guess I wasnt really looking for attention. Those are silly examples, I realize, but it illustrates my point I hope that I am not and have never been a hypocondriac.
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A Stupid Girl
The first time I cut. My history teacher had called my parents about something I did. Something I did that was wrong, like always. Since she is an adult and I'm only a dumb kid, my parents took her side. I had always been depressed. This was the straw that broke the camel's back. I saw a broken candleholder on my desk. I cut my arm a couple times. I loved it.
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Anonymous
i am 19 years old, i have self harmed for 3 years. i am not fussy with the method of self harm as long as it gets deep enough to stop me hurting. i dont cut so everyone can see how much pain im in, i cut to equalisise the pain inside me. it hurts so badly i dont no how else to cope. i am taking prozac, and citalaprin. they make me feel paranoid, i cut more when im paranoid, im stuck! im in a circle, "i cut because i hurt, i hurt because i cut" and that says it all in my veiw. im at college at the moment.
im sitting in a communication lesson, the teacher has no idea what im thinking, she would be scared if she new how i feel bout things and my life, i give the illusion im ok, i laugh and smile ,but inside i feel dead. i just dont want to carry on, i feel so worthiless, and suicial, i wish i had the courage 2 get rid of everything and just die.
A Girl Lost in Suicide Thoughts
Copyright, Anonymous
Being young, people look at me like, I don't understand what I was trying to do everytime I cut myself. It was my way to release anger, it was also my way of hoping I'd hit the artery on my arm so I would die. I almost jumped off a bridge but somebody pulled my arms when i let go, somebody I didn't even know. After going through abuse and such, I just didn't see a reason to live. My dad tries to tell me how bad cutting is, but I can't see beyond it. My boyfriend goes crazy when I cut, but I feel I've failed the world anyways so it doesn't matter. My dad doesn't give a F*ck anyways... he use to encourage me to kill myself... People tell me they want me to stop cutting, but you have to want to stop cutting deep down inside. I want to die, I won't stop cutting, I won't stop hurting myself purposely, but others cry out and say they can't stop. It stops if you want it to stop, get it over with, or watch yourself suffer or pull through... I like watching myself suffer... after all, I deserve it don't I? that's what I've been told by my father and the rest of the world. As my so called friend said, "Go suicide" thinking that it didn't affect me... I can't cry anymore, because I've been hit with almost everything you can think of. Sometimes I want to cry... but I can't... Im just a lonely, lost girl in this world.. and the clock ticks... my darkest hour is coming, closer and closer as every minute passes and the blood runs down my arm... My eyes have been clouded, and I can't see the real world, I'm surounded by darkness, thrown in the corner, like a broken doll...
Annabel
I am 15 years old and have been cutting my lower arms for over 2 years now. It all started when my dad was going to send me to a childrens home and he said he did not want anything to do with me ever again. Since then i have been seeing a psyciotrist but it has not really helped and now its gone too far and i just dont know how to stop!
Sakurai
Copyright, Sakurai
i just threw my knife away...on the weekend...my mum made me.
its a good site, i just feel a little numb right now. i dont know why i am even writing in here. sorry. just a little messed up right now.
we are all actors. the play is called life.
i need something other than cutting, but that will still hurt me. i can't stand not cutting, but i dont want to hurt my friends... i can't take this.
Anonymous
i can't remember how long i've felt like this... for at least 3 yrs ever since things went wrong wit my family i have been cuttin myself for 2 yrs. To me it is a way 2 show the pain i'm feelin inside...a way 2 realese all the anger inside me. I'm 14 now+i h8 myself i was diagnosised wit manic depression a yr ago i'm a volunteer patient so i'm in+out of hospital like a yo-yo I've tried to kill myself 3 times+self harmin almost every day i hate doin it but its like an addictive drug i have 4 councillers and i'm on heavy anti depressiants but i purposly drink even though i no it makes me worse i'm a listed ex drug addict my family don't look at me NE more my sister says she wishes i was locked away the only thin that keeps me going is my friends. I'm 14 i want a normal life now but all i can see in frount of me is a life of misery+pain.
Comments
An anonoymous reader writes:
I just wanted to know what is so bad about self injury. If you don't do it too deep, and you don't increase the depth you cut. How is it any different from crying. It makes you feel better, and if it's just a little cut where's the harm?
An anonymous reader:
I have cut since i was 4 years old. I've tried to kill myself a couple of times. Now i feel that i only stay alive for my husband, who says he wouldn't cope without me. I dont think i will ever be "normal". I want to die. I really do. (She later sent me another e-mail. Now you can read the rest of her story.)