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My Story
Copyright, Puffgreeney
12 Years of Pain and Counting
okay, well, here it goes. it's not easy to talk about, it's even harder to read/listen to, but well, i think it'll help me.
all my life, every aspect that i can remember, has been hell on earth. i was five years old, and my parents had gone out for the evening. my cousin, charly, was supposed to babysit and put my sister and i to bed. i crawled under my covers as usual, and got a peck on the cheek, nothing out of the ordinary. but then he kissed my lips. i was scared and didn't know what to do. next thing, he was sliding under the covers and fondling me, telling me that i was a big girl and big girls are quiet and nice.
next thing i knew, i was being raped.
but of course i didn't know that at the time. i didn't know what that was. i just knew that i was in pain and that i wasn't supposed to tell anyone.
this went on for seven years. when i was twelve, he stopped, only because the son of a bitch had gotten me pregnant. i put the baby up for adoption and tried to move on with my life. it was too late. i was dating a man who was twenty and he coerced me into drinking and smoking some pot. i was stupid and thought he really loved me.
when he left me, i hit rock bottom. i sat in my room in the same bed i was abused in and picked up a razor. i set my arm between my knees and made the longest cut i have ever done. i started with right by my thumb and slanted downwards until i saw the vein underneath my skin. then i went all the way down my arm.
needless to say, i was thrown in the er, followed immediately by the hospital.
i was 14.
i still cut to this day. i hate it, and i've never had a decent therapist. but i can't stop. it doesn't even hurt. it gets rid of all the bad feelings, only to replace them with more guilt. i don't know if i'll ever stop.