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Jen
Copyright, Jen
i remember every detail of the day i first cut, even down to what i was wearing. it was about a year and a half ago and my dad had just yelled at me for being 'disrespectful' to my grandparents, great-greandmother, and him most of all. it was the same old thing, i heard it daily, but everytime it hurt more and more to hear how much i disapoint him and all. I was so mad, I went up into my room, i started blasting one of eminem's songs, i couldn't even hear myself think. i had thought of doing it before, i had heard of friends online doing it, but never anyone in life, they were all so perfect and pretty. i wasn't like anyone i knew, i took out a pocket knife i had taken from my dad a few days before and fell to the side of my bed. i didn't cut deep at all, just about a paper cut, it didn't even bleed. i forgot all my problems, i was in my own world. one day my dad saw blood marks on my sheets and i had to stop cutting. i don;t think i did anything for about 2 weeks, soon i was so depressed i was thinking suicide for the first time which scared me. soon enough i started burning and have been ever since. my mom has found out and i have been seeing a councilor who, as my mom says, is a little out of it herself (leaving clients for 5 weeks to go on vacation, seeing me every other week even though she knew i was burning and all). Even though i don;t live with my dad anymore, it seems like he leads me to burning, after ever phone call I burn, even just talking on the internet. I gave up on myself and soon enough i was just tired of living. I have slipped into a deep depression, i even feel bad after i go out with friends and smile so much that they think i'm so happy and enjoying life, but once i am away from them i can't smile even if i wanted to. I am going to go into a day program or will be hospitalized if i can't find a day program. I feel soo lost and no one i know understands it. no one trys to understand it. no one wants to understand it.