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Jane
Copyright, Jane
I Didn't Cheat
Reading these stories kind of makes it frightening to think about what I have done. I am a 15 year old girl who lives in a small city full of gangs, drugs, and all other worries parents warn about.
My first time I ever cut was a few months ago, and a lot of shit was happening. I was transferring high schools after attempting to fail do to absences at my first school, my friends were all doing tweak and offering it to me, I was taking between 20 to 25 caffeine pills to get a high, drinking non stop do to my dad and him wanting to kick me out, and much other complications. Those complications weren't what set me off though, my friend who is a couple years older was having a fight with her family and she left down the street in her car, her sister and myself followed her and found her in an empty parking lot cutting her wrists with the doors locked, the blood draining from the slits above her small fists. This was the first time I ever saw anyone feel better after seeing blood, in away it made me feel better to see that she felt better.
So the next commotion that came was my boyfriend accusing me of cheating on him. I tried to explain to him that I didn't and that I would never beable to hurt him like that, and then he said he couldn't trust me. He got off the phone hastily and didn't call back. My tears starting falling and I was unable to stop from shaking. I needed to do something to fix what was wrong. I first thought of my pills, I passed the bottle between my hands, not wanting to take them, but feeling the need for something to hurt physically. I was sick of thinking, sick of remembering the sound in his voice, the distrust, the memories of my dead brother and my dad hitting him, my mom just standing in the corner. I through the bottle at the wall and ran to the kitchen to find a blade of any kind. If my friend can feel better by knives maybe it would work for me.
I took the knife to my room shut the door, sat on my bed, knees to my chest, rocking back and forth, the tears flowed uncontrollably as the blade slid across the backs of my arms and wrists. All I felt was the blood slipping across the flesh. Every pain that I was thinking fled my mind. A smile arose, the first time in weeks. The strange feeling of a red river comforted me when nothing else could. I sat on my bed for about three hours, the blade slicing, digging deeper and deeper into my skin. I flipped my arms over, I wanted to stop, the blood was coming and I couldn't stop. It felt so good compared to what I was feeling before. I stayed up the entire next three day not eating, not talking, only sitting in my dark room crying and trying to proove to my boyfriend that I didn't cheat.
The next time I saw my boyfriend I was wearing a long sleeve shirt to hide the cuts. I reached for something at his house, the sleeve pulled up, and a glimpse of red showed. He grabbed my wrist and forcefully I pull away. The room went silent as he suddenly says nothing. He started asking questions and I didn't know what to say. I just wished that I could have disappeared. Staying in his room tears falling from my eyes all I could do was sit and stay quiet until he would accept me for my flaw. Someday I hope he understands, that everyone understands, why I am like the way I am.