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Amethyst
Copyright, Amethyst
The first time i cut was 2 yrs ago when i was 17. It was after comming home from my mothers work college's wedding. Being the anti social creature that i am (rarely smile,dont like talking to pple in public,feel awkward around stragers to the point of feeling physically ill sometimes) i didnt smile or laugh or talk very much,but just tried to be as quiet as possible (if you dont say anything,you cant say the wrong thing) then when we got home mum told me id ruined the night for everyone,i was worthless,i didnt make an effort,i was an emmbarrasment and that her new work friends wouldnt like her or invite her anywhere again.
i asked her where the hammer was,went to my room,smashed apart a disposable razer,took out the blade and sliced into my self. my left wrist began to bleed, i was in a daze-just cutting,not neccesarily as deep as i would in the future,but continuously..didnt even realise what i was doing. I felt so much better afterwards,for every tear i felt like shedding,i left a scar. Like i was replacing one emotion with another-Pain suddenly replaced rejection.
I dressed my arm. I continued my new found coping mechanism. I found excuses to explain why i was wearing bandages at work. I covered the scars-for a while. I find i cut for the blood more than anything. i cut when i was frustrated for eathing somethin i thought i shouldn't. I cut when i had a fight with my boyfriend,i cut when i was bored,i cut when i was drunk,i cut for attention.
I always used a razor blade. Being a fan,i once carved "john" (as in singer John lennon) into my leg with a piece of glass. My bf asked questions-still doesnt comprehend,his parents think im crazy,my friend cant understand it,my mother overlooks it as long as i clean up the bathroom afterwards,and the rest of society either stares or shows me THEIR scars. I havent cut for about 2 months now,though it seems like a lot longer-and dont feel the urge at the time of writing,however,had i the need,i would not hesitate.