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Threads 326 to 350

I just want to leave
Posted by Alana on Wed Jan 23 04:41:11 2002 (#1127)

If I can't get enough money to go away to university ( and I will do everything in power to make that happen ) I will kill myself because I can't live in this house anymore.

Alana

Thats my plan and I"m sticking to it.

Re: I just want to leave
Posted by KAT on Wed Jan 23 23:54:28 2002 (#1128)

Alana..don't put yourself in a position where theres goals that you set for yourself that are unmanagable. I mean that goal sounds pretty tough but do-able..so good luck. Take care, and please choose another alternative to killing yourself "or else"..you know. your too precious to take your life away right now. love KAT

Re: I just want to leave
Posted by brad on Sat Feb 16 12:17:12 2002 (#1159)

alana,

please don't take your life away from yourself and others. i've been down that track many more times than i thought i could handle. i'm here for you. just use my help. please. love.

BRAD

death is becoming
Posted by anonymous on Sat Jan 26 02:53:06 2002 (#1129)

I'm not looking for help or any kind of rationalization. I'm looking for anyone who has any info about ipecac syrup. I've heard it was used to induce vomiting after comsuming a toxin but bulimics have abused and died from it. I know how to get it but is it true that it can be used as a poison against yourself? I'm looking for the easy way out. Anybody have any suggestions besides don't do it?

Re: death is becoming
Posted by KAT on Sat Jan 26 06:31:18 2002 (#1130)

Here's a suggestion and I'm not trying to be mean or rude, how about not posting this kind of stuff on a suicide board that people go to for help and to talk about their problems. Im sorry your in so much pain that you want a way out, no way is the easy way because they all will cause pain onto someone else, believe it or not. oh yea and don't do it..for the sake of yourself. and please don't bring these questions on the board, not like Im the moderator or anything liek that I just care for the peoples well being here, and that questions isnt going to help anyone get better or feel better. -KAT

Re: death is becoming
Posted by Alana on Mon Jan 28 23:56:27 2002 (#1137)

I believe it makes you puke up blood, that can't be too pleasent.

All the best.

Love, Alana

Re: death is becoming
Posted by Jaosn on Sun Mar 3 05:22:29 2002 (#1190)

Ever heard of the book "Final Exit"? It's written by a guy who is in the Hemlock Society. They advocate euthenasia. It's basically a how-to book for suicide. It covers the do's and don's of a variety of techniques. You can find it at www.amazon.com or www.bn.com

If you're gonna die - do it right. That's what I say anyway.

--Jason

Re: death is becoming
Posted by stacie on Mon Mar 4 18:40:31 2002 (#1193)

i would say not to do it but no one here can stop you so if you are going to do it just inject air into your vains cuz if you think about it if you cut your wrist you have to watch your self bleed and if you shoot your self whos going to clean the mess so air into your vains is the cleanest way

Why? Why is life so freaking shitty?
Posted by Emapthy on Sun Jan 27 17:16:17 2002 (#1133)

My fiance was told by a doctor she would die if she didn't eat..but she does, and I can't help her cause she moved away to Cali cause of her Dad being transfered. I wish so much that I could help her. I feel like nothing I can do is right. I feel so worthless, I have been contemplating the big one again...I already think about it every minute of the day but this time...it is so strong that I may not beable to keep from doing it. I just want the pain to stop, the crying to stop. Since the age of 6 I have been hurt and I don't think I can put up with it any longer. I wish I knew I could just do it, but I know who I will hurt. Goddess I just don't know what to do.

Re: Why? Why is life so freaking shitty?
Posted by KAT on Sun Jan 27 22:24:10 2002 (#1134)

Just keep thinking and racking your brain for other options. Like I posted earlier today over on the self injury board suicide is only the way to achieve suffering and greiving for a life time for the ones you love the most. Take care and don't give in..you have not come this far to give up now. things do get better and i know how you feel, it will pass..it will. it takes time, maybe a life time. hold on to your preciousness that you have in your life no matter how little or what it is. Don't give up. love and care -KAT

Re: Why? Why is life so freaking shitty?
Posted by Emapthy on Mon Jan 28 01:22:51 2002 (#1135)

Hey KAT thanx for the message...well i'm just feeling very crappy..and i still want to do it.:( I wish i coudl just pull out my razor and bleed myself ya know.. Anyway love ya and care.

Empathy

Re: Why? Why is life so freaking shitty?
Posted by Alana on Mon Jan 28 23:58:20 2002 (#1138)

Sorry to hear things are so crappy. And I'm not going to be hypocritical and tell you not to do it...I wanna do it as well. All I can do is hope things work out for you. :)

Love, Alana

Re: Why? Why is life so freaking shitty?
Posted by ash on Wed Jan 30 06:39:47 2002 (#1139)

why give up so easily? life is all about learning, growing, and overcoming. think of every obstical as a way for you to become stronger. all of your problems may seem momumental right now but as time goes on your perspective will change and so will your opinion. i don't mean to sound like the voice of experience, because i'm not, by any means, but i have been through more in the last month than i ever thought i could handle, and i'm trying my best and doing alright, and i hate for other people to lose hope like my best friend. "keep your head up"

No Good
Posted by KAT on Sat Feb 2 17:13:21 2002 (#1140)

Lately I've been wanting to seriously die. I've tried suicide before and It didn't work out, it just caused a bunch of pointless shit to happen. But now I think about the future, and all those years that I don't want to live to see..I don't want to expierence any more heart ache. Why can't I be done at 16? Go out now, never return..take this life of mine and throw it all away.
:( -KAT

Re: No Good
Posted by Empathy on Sat Feb 2 22:08:13 2002 (#1141)

HUnny plz don't! i'm here for you, you can email me, and message me at supersheepy777 or use my email on aim....but plz don't...i would cry seriously, i would...i know we don't know each other but still you said kind words to me that was enough. It is so rare for even just that to happen, it seriously made my day. I hope that this will strike ur heart in the same way ur words did mine. But I am here for you plz don't do anything plz.

Thank you
Posted by KAT on Sat Feb 2 22:28:28 2002 (#1142)

Thanks so much. All I need is someone who I can confide in and things ually turn out okay..for the most part. Im still living..thank you again, love ya much ,KAT

Re: Thank you
Posted by Empathy on Sat Feb 2 23:39:59 2002 (#1143)

you are so very welcome, atleast my life has some purpose, i would love to be friends with you. you got my info for contact on that last message. i'm on right now:)

will it work?
Posted by matt on Tue Feb 5 19:56:52 2002 (#1144)

Will like 1400mg of zoloft and a bunch of prozac kill me if i take it all at once? im like 130 lbs, would it be enough to do the job?

thanks matt

Re: will it work? (correction)
Posted by matt on Tue Feb 5 20:21:10 2002 (#1145)

i meant, lots of paxil, at least 2000mg, and a good amount of relafin plus the zoloft... will it do the job?

thanks - matt

Re: will it work? (correction)
Posted by KAT on Wed Feb 6 01:56:57 2002 (#1146)

Hi Matt..I hope for your sake it doesnt work. Personally (and Im no doctor) I dont think it'll do anything but make you tired as hell for a few days and have a stomach ache or major diahhriah or something of that nature. Re-think this.. take care all my love -KAT

Death is all I crave
Posted by Alana on Sun Feb 10 17:44:32 2002 (#1147)

"We all got left behind...I feel it all slip away...as I close my eyes....I feel it all slip away"

I'm slipping away. I come here because nobody else does, and thats how I like it. The way I see it maybe 2 people will read this post, and I probably won't know the two people...so really they can't help me. I'm torn between two "alana's" - one is filled with love and views people as the beauty which keeps the world turning....and the other side is filled with pain and views people as the hate which has ruined the world.

The beauty is quickly subsiding...I don't see it so much anymore. I perceive the beauty in a few select people, but they can't keep me safe anymore. The hate is taking over...I can't bear to see anymore pain, and I can't bear to endure it much longer. I despise what people have done to people. This pain inside I can't understand. This hate in life that will not go away.

With death I'm looking for a sounder way of living. Live on and live strong. Let bravery stand across your chest since it missed mine. Wipe your tears. I'm dead, it's over. I have no fears.

I planned to end my life on Feb 5th ( it was in the making for about a year exactly) - a heartaching day for me to remember...I couldn't swallow the pills and I couldn't make a deep enough cut to fulfil my want. I just spent the night crying and whimpering into my pillow, just hoping to God that he'd take this life from me once and for all.

"I'm not sane, and you were wrong to take it from me...left me feeling nothing" - that pretty much sums up how I feel about Strider on my bad days...eghhh, I don't want to forget, but I'm afraid even if I wanted to, I couldn't. I have no bad feelings toward Strider as a person, because he's an absolutely gorgeous soul. But I do have bad feelings for the way I dealt with it all...I can't help but hate myself.

"I want this, more than you know, I need this, give it back to me" - ofcourse I don't want life back...I want the cutting and the dying back...I use to be so good at it. I've lost it.

"Realize that I've lost control, impulses keep flashing through my head I'm on the outside"

It has nothing to do with impulses anymore...that's all it use to be. All it is right now is planned destruction - or as I like to call it experimenting with deeper cuts....lets see how they scar, lets see how long they take to heal, lets see how long they bleed for, lets see how much force I can drag the blade across my skin with before my body shivers from pain. PAIN...hmm, what an inviting feeling.

"Life is gone, I have no one. Life is scarred, I am no one."

All I really need to do right now is cry...and it seems impossible. Everything I NEED to be in life is trapped inside my tears, and they won't come to meet me today.

Fear today, forgot tomorrow.

Let me breathe.

Re: Death is all I crave
Posted by Strider on Sun Feb 10 21:47:17 2002 (#1148)

you deserve to die.

Re: Death is all I crave
Posted by KAT on Sun Feb 10 23:15:27 2002 (#1149)

Alana..I have been wanting to e-mail you thinking you were okay. I wasnt sure if you pulled through the pain or if you were just suffering worst, but I didnt think that fuck off@eatshit.com was an actual e-mail.

Good to know your still on the Earth..Im sorry about everything else. Life is fucked in the very worst ways and if you step back for a minute and look at it all..it's odd how wev'e adapted to the good feelings are okay and the bad ones mean we should just die. Because good or bad..they are all just feelings and they do fade. I dont know the deal between you and strider..actually dont even know who strider is..but I know this hate that you speak of. Many nights..I would pack a bag..car keys, money, food, lights, blades, kitchen knifes. And I would sit for hours getting up and walking out the door going to kill this person that has corrupted my life...then goin back inside and wanting to take the knife to my own throat. This hate that grows thick and burns in my body is a very powerful feeling..but thats all it is. I know it doesnt give me the right to take anyones life, nor my own.

Please keep postin' ...I hope you read this. I bet none of it will mean anything to you, but I hope that when I tell you that All my cyber hugs, and my love and care are givin to you right now ..and I hope you stay strong..and living. love ya -KAT

Strider.
Posted by KAT on Sun Feb 10 23:19:05 2002 (#1150)

No motive is a lame excuse..and motive to kill is an inflation of the truth. Bottom line.. no one deserves to die.

-KAT

Re: Death is all I crave
Posted by Alana on Mon Feb 11 06:47:57 2002 (#1152)

Ouch. Thank you Colin, that was so sweet. Why would you say that? I don't understand. I guess I know where I stand now.

*Bows head in shame*

Well fuck, I think I've had just about enough of this life. I can literally feel pain in my chest...its quite familiar. Its the pain of my heart breaking again and again and again. Its the pain of all my emotions quickly coming to a conclusion...this is it. I'm gone, it's over. Bittersweet ending to a horrific existance, better known as Alana.

*> <*
Posted by scaredinthedark on Fri Feb 15 00:47:11 2002 (#1154)

*> <*
Posted by scaredinthedark on Fri Feb 15 00:59:20 2002 (#1155)

i usually write on the SI board but i thought i'd put a message on this one. i read some of the other messages in here and i see everyone else has way worse problems than be but i see everyone wants to help or get their problems out so i wanted to. 2 years ago onmarch 29th at 2:00 in the morning my bff died. he killed himself actually. he stole a car and smashed it into a tree up the street from me. my town doesn't have that kind of reputation. we are a quaint little town with not much disturbance but that hit us for like a week. it hit me more for the rest of my life so far. i can't forget about it. he was kind of like a big brother to me. we talked about everything. he built a shield around me protecting me from dangerous things. he died and that shield started to break. on the 1 year anniversary of his death i cried but i couldn't cry anymore after that. in june at a graduation party is when i first realized that the shield i had was completely gone. i was groped and sexually assaulted but i never told anyone because all my friends were sitting right there witnessing this and didn't do anything about it. that night i went home took an extra long shower and i went to my room. the fact that i realized the shield was gone left me panicked and unstable. when my friend died i became depressed. on his 1 year anniversary i got worse. on that night i was so bad that i did the first thing on my mind. i cut my arms. i did a total of 50 counting each arm. it felt so good. i felt better and i didn't regret it at all. over the summer someone found out but they promised not to tell anyone. they've been with me as well as a couple of other friends throughout my journey through this and they understand why i do it. well this year is his 2 year and i know i won't do anything until june because that's the anniversary of when i started cutting. well this year has been worse for my depression and i started to talk to myself and answer myself. but it wasn't me talking to myself. it was someone inside of me. i do colorguard so i have lots of friends but i don't like my life. i just don't like life period. in june my brain told me to kill myself but i don't want to die yet. i want a boyfriend before i die. i've had one but he never talked to me. i want to drive before i die. but if my brain takes over none of that will happen. no one serious knows about my problem and my suicidal thoughts about june of my depression or that i cut. well idk what else to say. i think i wrote too much and no one is gonna read this or reply but i had to write something. ok well i gotta go. love to all. scaredinthedark

Re: *> <*
Posted by scaredinthedark on Fri Feb 15 01:00:26 2002 (#1156)

don't read the first one it's not done

Re: *> <*
Posted by brad on Sat Feb 16 12:08:16 2002 (#1158)

sweety,

i read your letter honey, and i am here for you. if you are still feeling sad and down, then write to me and i will be happy to write back to you and help you!!

BRAD

Re: *> <*
Posted by scaredinthedark on Mon Feb 18 05:05:37 2002 (#1161)

hi, thank you for writin back. i didn't think anyone would even read it but it means a lot that you did. thanks. i'm glad at least someone read it. idk what i feel like right now. it's hard to loose someone that close and i'm just tryin hard to change my mind right now about june. i hope i can by that time. well i gotta go thanks again. bye

Re: *> <*
Posted by c on Fri Mar 1 07:05:40 2002 (#1185)

i feel for ya...a very good friend of mine shot himself 4 months ago, on another friend of mine's birthday...how do you go on living when someone who taught you how to live no longer felt that life was worth living? okay, i know that was a confusing one but it's something that i've been struggling with since then...i figured that is life wasn't good enough for him then how could I POSSIBLY expect to handle it...but then it occurred to me...he loved me and cared enough about me to show me how to live again. if i were to kill myself then all that he did for me would have been done in vain. he gave me SO much, i won't let that go....if you can't live for yourself, live for him...the way he would have wanted you to live. don't let what he stood for in your life die away...okay, i know i know, it sounds cheezy, but it helped me keep going. i hope this did more good than bad.... email me if you ever need someone to talk to!! love and peace c

Willing to help!
Posted by Joe on Sat Feb 16 22:06:10 2002 (#1160)

to anyone hurting:

I would like to extend an offer of prayer back to you. Whether you are a Christian or not, if you have any prayer needs then please let me know and I will forward them to my prayer team. Prayer is powerful and effective, and we will be happy to pray for any needs you have, just let us know how we can help. God has always been in the healing business and still wants to heal (freely), but it is important to come to Him for that healing. God truly loves you. He knows your name, He treasures you, and He NEVER stops thinking about you with the greatest and purest love and affection. If you are not a Christian, God's fervent desire is to adopt you as His child. He would go to great lengths for the joy of having you as part of His family, even to the point of letting His only true Son be executed in your place so that you can be freed of all guilt and burdens. If you have any questions about God or spiritual matters then please send them to me and I will be happy to try to answer them for you. I am more than willing to help you know for sure that you are going to heaven! or feel free to check out this link for more info: http://www.gospelcom.net/guida nce/gospel/gospel.shtml my email is: Jesusisthewaytoheaven_2002@hot mail.com I look forward to hearing from you, and may God abundantly bless you!

~~~###~~~
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Feb 19 20:39:43 2002 (#1163)

no one really talks in here do they.

Re: ~~~###~~~
Posted by Alana on Fri Feb 22 00:46:23 2002 (#1164)

thats cuz they all kill themselves

Re: ~~~###~~~
Posted by scaredinthedark on Fri Feb 22 17:03:38 2002 (#1166)

oh ok well that kinda makes scence though. ok

My final words
Posted by Broken_Soul on Fri Feb 22 13:08:31 2002 (#1165)

Greetings all who read this, to all whom it concerns, to all who do care but are powerless to help.

I'm Brian, a 22 year old Royal Marine from Holland, lived a wonderful live and reached my top when I met my girlfriend Krista. Unlike others she could take the stress, the burden of my job, being away ofthen and sometimes in fear of my life. She brightend my life and gave my en enormous power. Her happiness reflect on my soul and every seconed, every dime, every inch of my body and every wim of my soul I dedicated to her paid pack in a thousandfolt. Money was never a problem, nor was time, blood sweat or tears, reciving her love was like hitting the jack-pot every single day.

Now..without warning, without proper reasons other than small unimportant things she ended it all and longs for nothing more than my friendship.

Having lost her, the one true love of my life. Not having been able to return the love she gave me. Failing in making her happy with the best off my efforts, Being unable to satisfy the most beautiful being on this world in both body, mind and sole.

Have confinced me, that if my best is simply not good enough, for the thing I live for..love. That I am simply not worth this life, as she can no longer live with me, I can't live without her.

The power of love immense, tonight noone will be able to stop me, after I will call her for the last time I will be with her in spirit, be with her in spirit as I can not be in body.

This I want said, I want the world to know how much I love her, I want the world to know how a man that loves a woman this much, can kill himself and suffer disgrace in the Marines, can hurt his love, bring her scars this severe, only to be with her forever.

Love always, Brian ter Veen

Re: My final words
Posted by Alana on Sat Feb 23 05:07:14 2002 (#1167)

Beautiful....I hope you're happy where ever you end up. I'm sure you'll be happy.

Love, Alana

PEOPLE=SHIT
Posted by Stacie on Wed Feb 27 01:01:58 2002 (#1177)

Alot of times i think the same way and its all just that easy to take a needle and inject air into my vains or what ever it will take not to be here any more but i think that i will just stick to the self injury shit cuz i dont want my family suffer becuz i want to commite suicide but i really do just want to end it all

Re: PEOPLE=SHIT
Posted by scaredinthedark on Thu Feb 28 23:26:06 2002 (#1183)

i self injure too but i've tried to kill myself once. beleive me, nthing is worse than seeing your family huert like that. i felt so bad. they know i cut now but id want to stop. they know that too. i see a psychologist and everything but i still wanna die. i wanna kill myself and hopefully be successful this time. i just have to wait until june that's all. well if you wanna talk im me sassycggurl and we can talk. i gotta go. bye

I never realized
Posted by child on Thu Feb 28 02:37:21 2002 (#1181)

I came here just to see what was being said because I guess I was curious. I love this site and I've already been on the self injury message board because that's what I do. After reading some messages here I was really surprised. Are we all like this? I never thought that all my thoughts of suicide and plans for suicide were anything important. I figured as long as I didn't make any recognisable attempts at it it must not be serious. I don't know. I'm probably just exaggerating though. I've never overdosed on medicine or anything like that. There probably isn't anything wrong with me. Sorry for bothering everyone.

cutting
Posted by Tiffany nichol on Thu Feb 28 16:11:12 2002 (#1182)

i need someone to tlakto you but no one will listen i am afriad to tell my parents and i hurt myself but not telling and keeping it inside i have 3 scars on my wrists and on my ankels i have tried to OD on meds and to run into traffic ive tried slicing viens and arteries i need help please help i am only 16 an di am in nursing at school i want to b a nurse but this other side of me all they can think about is making moree slices please reply to my email if you can help i am atowncutie17@aol.com

Re: cutting
Posted by stacie on Mon Mar 4 18:58:13 2002 (#1194)

i know who it is and if you try to throw out your razor blades you just want them twice as bad unlike you im only 15 and have alot more scars at one point i had 26 cuts on my right wrist 6 on my left 5 cuts on my right ankle and 2 on my left and an X on and those were just the cuts from with a 2 week period and now i have clamed down with the cutting now i have around 15 scars left and the words life sux on my right ankle and sinner on my left but i think if every once and a while you just do something to clam your nerves it will help a little bit

Re: cutting
Posted by emie on Sun Mar 17 08:59:51 2002 (#1232)

don't do this you really need help life is precious there is so many things out there i know how you feel i have scars too but i'm ok now i've had support from friends and im really happy you can be too think before you do things like that relax for a while talk to someone it will take time but just take it slow calm down go talk with friends when you get older i bet you'll be happily married with beautiful childresn and you'll be really hapy and you'll think back on this and say that you're really glad you didn't commit suicide

questions
Posted by Night on Sat Mar 2 18:23:21 2002 (#1188)

hello,

I was looking for informations around suicide and came across here. I'm from Germany, and there are numerous boards or chats dealing with this topic.

I'd just like to ask u, if u know boards, chats, websites concerning methods of suicide, suicide in general or related topics in enlish language ?

This was the only board I got from my search mschine, and I wonder if this is the only site around, which is dedicated to this topic in the www, except these several German sites ?

I'm sorry for any spelling mistakes

Regards

Night

The $hit Keeps Raining Down
Posted by Jason on Sun Mar 3 00:35:50 2002 (#1189)

One more day and one less reason to live. When will I run out of reasons?

I got fired from a great job today over something stupid. What now? Where will I get the money to keep going? Where will I find a job that pays that well and that I enjoy that much? Where will I find a place with such nice people to work with?

This is my latest set of questions to which I have no answers. I could fill pages with all of them.

This is just the stuff that has happened today alone. Why am I still here after all this crap? What's waiting for me tomorrow?

To Hell with it all, Jason

Crashing Around You - by: Machine Head

I am your nightmares, true scares That dream when you can't stop from falling Can't fight, can't run Can't stop the person you've become

I am your heartbreaks, mistakes That place inside you hate I am the shadow following every move, reminding you That it's never good enough, never good enough Even though you'll try and try I'm gonna call your bluff Because i am the thing bringing the feelings when...

Your world comes crashing around you smashes down around you when will you see that you cannot hide from me?

When you feel darkness, hopeless Can't cope with all the stress I'll make you hate life, bring strife Remember failures hardened stare And it's never gonna change, never gonna change Always they'll be judging you Compared to who and who You trust in me but i only live to see

Your world comes crashing around you Smashes down around you When will you see you cannot hide from me?

When i come for you When i see through you When i eat through you When i destroy you

You'll think you're betrayed, astray I'll leave you ripped and torn so bad you Can't trust, can't love Can't understand why life's so fucked up I'm deep inside your mind In constant remind If you leave your thoughts to me, believe I'll make sure that i see

Your world come crashing around you Smash down around you When will you see that you cannot hide from me?

I'll make your world come crashing around you Smash down around oyu I'll let you see why you cannot hide from me Because I am you

Re: The $hit Keeps Raining Down
Posted by Alana on Sun Mar 3 17:39:49 2002 (#1191)

Jason you are beautiful. You will find something that is worth living for, I know this because I've talked with a fair bit and realized that a person like you shouldn't be posting on the suicide board, you're too precious for that.

Sincerely, Alana

Email me sometime, I miss your jokes.

Re: The $hit Keeps Raining Down
Posted by Jason on Mon Mar 4 20:50:45 2002 (#1195)

Hey, You remembered me. Sorry I've been kinda a stranger lately. I've been trying to avoid all of this depression stuff. Things had been going well for me for the most part. I haven't cut since last October if that's any indication.

That's not to say that my life has been all smiles and sunshine. It hasn't. Maybe I'm getting a little better at dealing with the small stuff. It's just that when the big $hit hits the fan I lose it.

I'm going to be updating my website again in a couple weeks. No new pictures (which is good). Maybe some more essays though. I've got it about 90% done. It's lookin' sweeeet. I'll post when it's up.

Thanks for replying, Jason

Re: The $hit Keeps Raining Down
Posted by stacie on Mon Mar 4 18:32:36 2002 (#1192)

i know how it feels no to have any money and i can understnd where you are coming from cuz suicide is the easy way out and i thought about it so many times and i really cant see any reason why i should be here except that i know if i commite suicide who is going to be there for my little sisters once depression really sets in with my mother i mean i have no one to talk to and no one that would understand if i could talk to them

Re: The $hit Keeps Raining Down
Posted by Jason on Mon Mar 4 20:53:37 2002 (#1196)

Hi,

I know what you mean about hurting people. That's probably the biggest reason I have for not blowing my head off. That, and the fact that I'm a wuss.

I've got pets that I love like children and I can't be sure that they'll be OK if I'm not around. And I suppose my family might miss me a little too. Can't imagine why though.

I've been playing phone tag with the Human Resources department where I work. I'm going to try to kiss some major ass and see about getting the job back. Cross your fingers.

Thanks for replying, Jason

Re: The $hit Keeps Raining Down
Posted by wallflower on Tue Mar 5 02:55:12 2002 (#1198)

I've thought about suicide at times too, but the thing that's really kept me away from it is thinking about what would happen to all the people in my life. I know I always try to convince myself that no one would care, but that's not true. My mom would be really hurt. She already has problems with depression and I could only make that worse. I think about how it would feel to bring someone into the world and then for them to hate it so much that they take their own life away. It would be horrible. I cry everytime I think about that and think about how close I just came to hurting her.

Also, please don't think of yourself as a wuss simply because you haven't committed suicide. Just think about how many people face problems every day and then go home and don't commit suicide. . . That's just something to remember. Don't beat yourself up over not doing something drastic like that.

Re: The $hit Keeps Raining Down
Posted by Jason on Tue Mar 5 04:34:19 2002 (#1199)

You're absolutely right. The first thing I think about when I've got the gun up to my temple is how it would hurt those that I care about. The second thing is, what if I mess up and become a vegetable.

I wish there was a way that I could erase my existance without hurting anyone but that's just not realistic.

A couple weeks ago I read a fortune cookie that said, "Your greatest danger is your own stupidity." I thought it was funny when I read it. Now I know it's true.

And to close with some more lyrics. These are from Slipknot. The song is Disasterpiece. One of my favorites.

(HATE)Hate ain't enough to describe me (SCREAM)Somewhere between screaming and crying I'm not supposed to be here I'm not supposed to be

(WHY) When do I get to know why? (BITTER)Bitter as the stink of when I try I'm not supposed to be here I'm not supposed to be

Pull your hands away I'm gone - goodbye - it's so depressing Withering away Take a look - inside - my soul is missing All I have is dead,so I'll take you with me Feel like I'm erased - so kill me just in case

(COVET) Everything around me's mine (STY) Can't see through the sties in my eyes I'm not supposed to be here I'm not supposed to be

(DOWN) Scratching and clawing all the way (STAY) You won't let me fucking stay I'm not supposed to be here I'm not supposed to be

(LIVE) Is there another way to live? (DIE) Cuz it's the only way to die I'm not supposed to be here I'm not supposed to be

Re: The $hit Keeps Raining Down
Posted by Alana on Tue Mar 5 20:30:35 2002 (#1200)

The Biggest SLIPKNOT Fan Ever - and yes it goes to MR.JASON with the wicked website and that sexy back with whipped cream and chocolate...Mmm Mmm, I still have that picture. Its delicious. I hope you're ok. I'm doing shit, but thats alright, it really doesn't matter.

Email me sometime and tell me all about your dirty little secrets. Hahaha.

Love, Alana

EVERYTHING ENDS
Posted by stacie on Wed Mar 6 04:54:10 2002 (#1203)

lately all i have been thinking about is will something happen that will just push me over the edge will something just push me over the edge cuz there is not much that i can hold on to and all every one says is oh dont worry everything will get better but why not now does it all have to crush me be for i can be pulled back to solid ground.

yes, everything ends...
Posted by Night on Fri Mar 8 03:28:34 2002 (#1209)

but it depends on u, what time it ends.

Don't worry... the behaviour of these ppl is the normal attitude of the society towards ppl, who are depressed or think about suicide. They tell u, it will get better, but their empty phrases just turn it worse.

The "happy" ppl won't ever understand really, though they sometimes try.

I know this feeling , many others do...

Night

Re: yes, everything ends...
Posted by stacie on Sat Mar 9 03:39:11 2002 (#1211)

thanx but as days go on everything gets worses yesterday and to day the B.C.W came to my house lookling to take away me and my sisters and bring us up state some where where we would get to see our parents once a week all because of the fucking schools and now i told my whole story to 2 of my best friends and all they could say is stacie i feel sorry for you what the fuck is that how does that help and i need to stay here because i dont want my sisters to go through any more and if they do take us away i want to be there along with my sisters and its just geting harder for me to deal with life and i am trying my very best to hang on

Re: yes, everything ends...
Posted by Night on Sun Mar 10 03:23:38 2002 (#1212)

can they take u away from home such easily ? But aren't at least ur sisters worth to hang on ? But I know, how it feels ...or no, better, how it feels to feel nothing, when there's no sense at all, and u question urself why to hang on ? For whom, for what...

But I really dunno, how it must feel, to be taken away from home... hope they'll leave u where u belong.

but always remember, this is the only button in ur life, u only can touch once. There's no way back...

I also can't really help u, guess noone can do so right now, I just hope it will take a good end and u n ur sisters can stay ....

good luck from here, my thoughts are with u...

Hold on ... don't give up

Night

sucide
Posted by Shandra on Wed Mar 6 20:37:31 2002 (#1204)

I have been feeling really edgy lattely and fighting with my husband. I am seriously thinking bout overdosing here in about 5 minutes unless some miraculous thing happens. I am just tired of fighting with him over the kids and such and money and me going to school full time then going to work Part time on top of that. I am just plain tired. Does anyone have any advice or maybe a razor blade (not like that will do me any good over the internet) but you get the picture. Thank you for listing. I am not exactly new to this but I am today.

jonathon davis
Posted by dark0ne on Thu Mar 7 02:58:05 2002 (#1206)

i have a nickname for you, you remind me of the tasmanian devil, so i nicknamed you TAZ. you sound just like him! i mean that in a good way, :) when you start really going with the words, damn you amaze the hell out of me. i'm not sure you read the boards but i just wanted to share that with you and everyone else, since you and the rest of korn has given me so much, i'm a KORNFANATIC and it's growing more and more everyday. thanx for listening, if you are out there, i don't care what ppl say, fuck the critics, i love you. i admire the hell out of you, and your words keep me sane and alive. keep rocking

¤ My Site is UPDATED ¤
Posted by Jason on Thu Mar 7 20:04:05 2002 (#1207)

I've just finished doing a MAJOR overhaul on my website. It's lookin' better than ever. It's got pictures of cuts and essays.

WARNING: It is very triggering!

Enjoy, Jason

www.darkhosts.com/iammi sery

TRIED MORE THAN ONCE
Posted by jASmiNe on Thu Mar 7 22:23:01 2002 (#1208)

bEING Only 14 people would think im so young i can't be depressed in any way. I hide it away from the world i don't want them to see the hurt and pain inside of me. I've trieded "OD",(more than once) hanging, siffication and ec. Nothing works for me. So i keep this pain bottled up inside me but when i let it out i have a nervous break down. Cause 2 nights ago i was sitting in the bath tub talking bout how this was where i wanted to die and my 13year old brother had to sit ther a watch and hear me say these things and he was hurting he refuesed to go to sleep untill i did. He was like swear to me you won't try to kill yourself" And i wouldnt do. He cryed kissed me on the forhead and waS like "I love you" and i heard the pain in his voice and it made me even sadder and made me wont to do it even more cause i figured why should i be alive if im causing people pain like this. So once more i tried

i don't know why i'm still living
Posted by Tracey on Sat Mar 9 00:48:42 2002 (#1210)

i feel so alone, yeah i'm young (people say i haven't even experienced life yet, but if my life's like this now, i don't wana carry on),i don't really know why i'm still here. i feel like dying, but i won't as i try to be as strong as possible. but it's so hard, i been through alot, and i'll really feel like this is the time to give up, i can't go on like this any longer. is there anyone feeling like me?

Re: i don't know why i'm still living
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 12 02:25:35 2002 (#1214)

tracey, i know exactly how you feel. i've been through sooooooo much shit in my life i wish i were dead. i tried to kill myself 3 times but my parents just say that it's a phase or hormones and i'm like ok i'm trying to kill myself how is that a phase. i want to die. they just don't understand. if you ever want to talk im me sassycggurl. i'm on during the week usually but if you need to talk just im me ok. take care. love scaredinthedark

Re: i don't know why i'm still living
Posted by Tracey on Tue Mar 12 15:02:26 2002 (#1217)

its not a phase or hormones, how can they be soo wrong, how can they think that? ihaven't tried to kill myself, i put it off, i pictured myself doign it alot, i see myself on the news the next day, evne pictured the funeral. i'm glad someone knows how im feelin, i gues there are loads worse off then me, love Tracey. xxx

Re: i don't know why i'm still living
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 12 21:27:16 2002 (#1221)

yea i kinda want to know why they don't wanna see that i really do want to die. how much pain i'm really goin through. it's good that you haven't, it sucked. i pictured dying with the person i cut for. i tried killing myself to get to him i guess you could say. i dream all the time about things like that. i don't watch too much tv but i'm glad you feel someone else is goin through what you are too. i am too. like i said in the other post, if you ever need to talk im me. (sassycggurl) i'm on. take care and lots of love. scaredinthedark

what do i do?!
Posted by ella on Tue Mar 12 12:15:33 2002 (#1215)

i have never looked up info on suicide before but i was looking on the self harm site and saw this link, it made me cry when i read some peoples stories and messages here because i felt like i finally connected with someone, that someone finally felt the same as me. I have tried to commit suicide once and have had recurring thoughts about tryin again...i dont know what it is in my life that makes me so upset, i just find myself welling up and crying and then going to my room and taking pills to make me number. i dont know what to do...im so confused and i have no one to talk to bout this. sorry if im boring anyone but i just needed to say it. love ella x

Re: what do i do?!
Posted by Alana on Tue Mar 12 21:25:14 2002 (#1220)

I'd rather you be boring than dead. BTW, you aren't boring!

Love, Alana

please help
Posted by ella on Tue Mar 12 15:52:09 2002 (#1218)

hey i posted something earlier and nobody ahs replied...im not blaming anybody but i was just hoping to get some advice from maybe people that might understand me. i feel worse now than i did this morning...it always gets like this...i start off almost feeling ok and slowly i get into this depression and i just forget all about everything and sit and stare at nothing and imagine whether i should try to OD again. i dont want to but i have the STRONGEST urges to do it and i find i OD (just enough to really dull me) quite often. what can i do...please will someone just tell me some advice or summit i can think about to help me....i dont know where to turn. love ella x

Re: please help
Posted by Tracey on Tue Mar 12 17:04:51 2002 (#1219)

please try and fight your urges to OD. it is not the answer! i dont really know what idvice to dive im sorry, try and take your mind of it, i know its hard. have you tried talking to someone about this? (apart fomr someone on here?) picture yourself somewhere happy and nice, and try and reach out for that place. im sorry i probably havent helped you much, but e-mail me, if you want to talk, about anything, ill try and help and understand.

Re: please help
Posted by Alana on Tue Mar 12 21:29:28 2002 (#1222)

Uhmm, where do I start. The best advice I can give you is to just live through your emotions...the strength of pain you feel will eventually (no estimated time given, cuz its different for everyone) subside...slowly for sure, but it will get better. If it doesn't and you feel like you're going to OD, call 911. I've done it many times before when I've felt suicidal and downed a few bottles of pills. Hopefully that cry for help will actually get you the help you need. It will take a long time to recover from being suicidal..I'm still not fully there, and I know I have a long way ahead of me before I am not suicidal...its been almost a year now since my frist attempt and I have to admit it still crosses my mind every once in awhile, but it gets better. It really does.

Good Luck Ella...I'll be thinking about you.

Love, Alana

Re: please help
Posted by ella on Wed Mar 13 10:44:50 2002 (#1223)

thank you both for your advice and help. it does make sense (even if i dont believe it sometimes i know deep down its true) and i tried to help myself by removing all the drugs in my room, so i cant get to them. it felt good at the time cuz it was like it was my decision and i was doind this, not anyone else. later i felt really bad and desperately wanted them but because i didnt have them and there was no way that i could get any i had to think up new ways to help myself...and i didnt wanna do stuff that hurt me...so i listened to lotsa depressing music, read a book and wrote down my probs and questions i wanna ask myself...it prob sounds dumb but i think it kinda helped...it made me cry a lot which at first made everything feel 100% worse but then i started to feel like i was able to let some of the pain and depression out in my tears. well i dunno if what ive said has made sense or nething but i wanted to thank everyone for replying...i kinda use this as my hope line now cuz its the only place i can TRUELY say how i feel. i hope i can be stronger because i have the urge to get my meds out again but i dont want to but its so hard.is there anything that ANYone has tried that has helped them get over stuff like this?i think i might actually be partially addicted cuz i guess thats why i crave it so much and i crave the sense of calm the seditives give me...oh well. love ella xx

Re: please help
Posted by Alana on Wed Mar 13 21:46:49 2002 (#1225)

Crying is a coping mechanism I use when I want to cut...instead of releasing the pain through my blood, I try as hard as I can to cry...forcing myself almost. It doesn't always work, so sometimes I just have to go through the motions of feeling depressed...it passes, it always does...but then again it always comes back. It's a daily struggle not to cut myself, but I'm strong enough to overcome it all. I've proved that to myself this past while. Discouraging yourself will just make things worse, as we all know.

Don't hold onto your pain, just let it go. If you embrace your pain, you'll just end up killing all the love you have inside. Love yourself and the rest will just fall into place.

Believe. Believe that there's a light out there just waiting to shine on you. And when it does, you'll be the brightest star out there considering all you've experienced and learned.

Keep your life going...you'll be ok.

All my love, Alana

youre so amazing alana
Posted by ella on Fri Mar 15 09:00:42 2002 (#1226)

hey i know i havent posted for a couple days buti just weanted to say that i think youre amazing alana....you really understand me and you seem to know exactly what to say to help pickme up from all the shit i feel inside and youre so nice about it all! i wanted to know more bout you or if there was anything you wanted advice on because i feel selfish for only asking for help and not offering it. i hope that you are alright because i dont have anyone else to talk to about this all and you know so much!!

love ya, ella xxx

Re: youre so amazing alana
Posted by Alana on Fri Mar 15 18:47:12 2002 (#1227)

Believe me when I say I'm anything but amazing...I'm quite the opposite. I just try and help out when it seems fitted, and in this case it did. If you were around here a year ago you would have hated me like everyone else...and they still do, they just try and hide it. The suicide board is a safe haven for me, for all I've recieved here is support and love, the self injury board is a different story. I feel unwanted there, so that's why I come here...it was actually that board that pushed me over to suicide. I felt rejected and wanted to die.

What would you like to know about me? Nothing really interesting about me. Advice you could supply me with is how the hell do you stop having panic attacks cuz they just seem to be worse than ever for me. Had a really intense attack last night and woke up with my wrist all bloody and torn open. Don't ask me how I did that..I don't remember. That's the thing with me, I go through these stages where I don't know what i"m doing to myself, God only knows what's in store for me.

Sorry I'm no help today, I can't dish it out for I need it myself. Sorry SOrry Sorry.

Love, Alana

You can email me if you want, and ask whatever, my life is an openbook to you. But only you.

death
Posted by D on Sun Mar 17 04:10:25 2002 (#1230)

I watched my brother die...he was killed by a cab in front of me...i cant tell you what that did to me. Now i just fight with everyone I know...I lost hurt and know one knows what this is like not even my family and I cant talk to them I never could i always felt like an alien with them and now its only gotten worse...its like living out a nightmare that doesnt end...but this is my life my reality...

Re: death
Posted by Alana on Sun Mar 17 04:50:52 2002 (#1231)

I'm sorry you're hurting.

Love, Alana

Re: death
Posted by cloudedstar on Sun Mar 24 01:50:42 2002 (#1250)

Thank you