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Threads 301 to 325

I Must Find A Way...
Posted by zeroman on Sat Nov 10 05:37:29 2001 (#1033)

First off, I will ask that no one reply with opposition to my request. I appreciate all good intentions, but I am in no way whatsoever seeking help to continue living. I want help to die, but to die in the manner I wish - painless, and without leaving behind a gory mess for someone else to find. It is that simple. I have looked at online pharmacy sites for phenobarbitol and will continue to do so. But I don't really know who to trust, and so I would very much appreciate it if someone could point me in the right direction. Reliable pharmacy sits to get painkillers w/out precriptions, boards for people who wish to aid in suicide, etc. This kind of information is all I want. Please do not post oppositions to my wishes, they will simply be ignored. My time is near one way or the other, and I simply want to go out in the manner most appealing to me. Thnak you very much.

Re: I Must Find A Way...
Posted by Alana on Sat Nov 10 22:27:56 2001 (#1034)

There is this really good book called The FInal Exit, and it's about helping the terminally end their lives. In the book they have right doses of drugs, and how to take it - painless. I just read it last week, so all the info is pretty fresh in my mind. I think with the doses they said that you fall asleep within 10 minutes, and that's it, you never wake up again.

Love, Alana

my grammar sucked ass
Posted by Alana on Sat Nov 10 22:30:07 2001 (#1035)

the book is written for helping the terminally ILL, and the doses they supply you with make you fall asleep within 10 minutes.

Glad I got all of my grammar mistakes corrected. I feel much better.

Hope your life ends the way you want it too, best of luck. See you on the other side.

Love, Alana

Re: my grammar sucked ass
Posted by zeroman on Sun Nov 11 00:42:57 2001 (#1037)

*smile* no worries about the grammar Alana - I just appreciate that you attempted to help. I'm actually working on a masters degree in English and I never even noticed any mistakes. :). Yes, indeed, look for me on the flip side - chances are that we'll both need a friend.

Re: I Must Find A Way...
Posted by zeroman on Sun Nov 11 00:37:24 2001 (#1036)

Thanks Alana, I have heard of the book, though I've not read it. At any rate, I have enough information regarding lethal doses and the like. What I am really hoping for is reliable information concerning how to get what I need. Phenobarbitol chased with alcohol seems like the best choice, but getting the phenobarbitol isn't quite so easy. Like I said, I have found a few online "pharmacy sites." but I don't have a great deal of money, so i'd like not to chance getting ripped off. I also just like having options to choose from when it comes to purchasing. And of course, if anyone has ideas for other means of easy, quick and painless methods, I am open to these kinds of suggesstions. thank you

Beaten down
Posted by Alana on Wed Nov 14 20:58:51 2001 (#1038)

I've been beaten down once again. Just as I'm dusting myself off again, it hits me again....betrayal. Dave dude, you suck shit. I really have this strong hate for you right now. I dont' know how many times I've been there for you, hearing you bitch about Blue and Ruth, and just shit in general. But no, thats not good enough, being a friend isn't good enough for you. I'm so sorry for showing you who I am. I'm so sorry you felt the need to tell people about it, and how I'm fucked up. Got news for ya buddy, you're just as fucked up as me. How would you like it if I went around telling all your secrets and everyone laughed at you? If I did, I would only hope you'd feel 100 times worse than me right now. I hate you!

I'm sorry guys for writing this hear, but I"m so fuckin angry at everyone. My rule #2 in life comes into play again...never trust anyone, cuz if you do they'll just shit on your face. I hate this place, I hate being in my mind, but most of all I hate liars, and that's exactly what you are David, you're a fuckin liar and I hope you rot in hell.

Alana

Thinking of suicide and inflicting self-injury
Posted by Alexandria on Thu Nov 15 05:59:31 2001 (#1039)

I think about suicide all the time and I've started cutting myself with glass, but not really deep. All my friends are telling me to get help, but they've been in similar situations except they were a lot worse. Does just thinking about suicide count as being suicidal?

Re: Thinking of suicide and inflicting self-injury
Posted by Alana on Fri Nov 16 04:00:01 2001 (#1040)

Sorta. Can't really explain it.

Re: Thinking of suicide and inflicting self-injury
Posted by zeroman on Tue Nov 20 22:50:34 2001 (#1048)

Everyone thinks of suicide occassionally - everyone. If someone tells you that (s)he never has, then (s)he is probably lying. What makes one suicidal is when one begins to think of it on a regular basis, and when one begins to actively pursue it. I don't know that there is really a name for the stage wherein you think of it alot and begin to experiment with minor self-injury. Most professionals would probably call that "suicidal behavior," but I'm not so sure that it is. I think it is sort of a pre-attempt phase. Some never go beyond that and some do.

Re: Thinking of suicide and inflicting self-injury
Posted by *Poison on Sun Dec 9 01:59:50 2001 (#1088)

just thinking about it is called suicidal ideation....another big name for a simple thing...

amanda

any sense of anything?
Posted by disOrder on Wed Nov 21 14:05:23 2001 (#1049)

I can't find any sense in anything...i got my deloved boyfriend, i got that fucking ED, razors, much material to learn for my studies (which i can't learn because of my depression), i got insomnia...nothing that used to interest me doesn't interest me anymore...

Okay, not taken lightely.
Posted by RealityBandage on Thu Nov 22 02:02:32 2001 (#1050)

Um...a really good friend of mine just killed herself and I'm thinking about doin it to. I listen to a lot of music and that Jonathan Davis dude is pissing me the f*ck off! KoRn is my favorite band and anyone who mocks them should be shot. Major brain ache...

Zoa

I WROTE THIS FOR YOU GUYS.. PLEASE READ...
Posted by Emz on Sat Nov 24 14:39:03 2001 (#1051)

Visualise...

Living in a world of shit, hell was so much better, Once again depression reigns. My life is a pointless journey, I wish it would end, The colour has faded deep within, the darkness blends into my skin, What should I do now? The pressure rises my minds a blank, the words I speak are sins, As I concentrate on my whole surroundings, I realise I have nothing. No one understands the way that I visualise our future, No one fears me, as I fear myself, We were all born to die. Take my soul and corrupt my mind with anger, I recall no warning of this danger, Oblivion is but a heart beat away, Reality is clueless. I gaze upon an unclean mirror, my reflection is dead, My face pale as a moonlit sky, my eyes filled with hate, Is this really me? Inspired by the worlds faces, so many, yet so little emotion, To grow a black rose would turn earths false innocence to mud, Take me away from this lonliness, clean these scarred veins, The cuts have healed, but my thoughts are shattered, The needle ever blunt.

Re: I WROTE THIS FOR YOU GUYS.. PLEASE READ...
Posted by razor on Sat Nov 24 14:54:32 2001 (#1052)

I love your poem.. it truely expresses what I am feeling, it is so deep and meaningful, thankyou

why
Posted by Done it on Sun Nov 25 05:06:11 2001 (#1055)

No one really wants to die. And I'm sick of the pain shit. Get real and get over your fears or at least pay attention to them. DIE...think about a dirt nap...THINK about how selfish you are?

It's all you're fears babies all you be fears

Re: why
Posted by zeroman on Sun Nov 25 08:36:48 2001 (#1056)

lol, you fool. What I once truly "feared" WAS dying. But I don't any longer, I know it to be my calling. And I am indeed taking measures so that i may rise to the occassion in the manner most apprproate to that calling. Oh, and I will be cremated - no dirt nap for me thank you. Not that it matters. Once I'm dead I'm gone - my body a mere empty shell. Don't embark upon some ludicrous (and largely incoherent) tirade concerning matters you don't really understand. It only makes you look dumb.

Re: why
Posted by Melz on Sun Nov 25 19:06:17 2001 (#1057)

Very well put, zeroman

Re: why
Posted by ...VäMpyRë§s... on Mon Nov 26 04:20:38 2001 (#1060)

lol.. well said zeroman, and to you.. 'done it' ... grow the fuck up and stop talking shit, you quite obviously dont have a clue about what you are talking about, so just leave in and go stick your face into matters that do concern you, do you not think that we hear shit like that from shallow minded fuckwits that refuse to understand people with problems everyday? of course we fucking do, what makes you think we're going to listen to you? I'll tell you whats selfish, this dying world of hate is selfish, not the innocent mortals that were placed here. come back when you have something constuctive to say.

Re: why
Posted by CryingRedTears on Fri Nov 30 02:17:36 2001 (#1075)

my sentiments exactly.

JUST FUCK OFF
Posted by Alana on Sun Nov 25 19:34:26 2001 (#1058)

I AM SICK OF THIS PLACE AND YOU PEOPLE JUST FUCK OFF AND GET OUT OF MY FACE MY LIFE IS SHIT AND I WANT TO DIE LEAVE ME ALONE YOU BASTARDS

Re: JUST FUCK OFF
Posted by sarah on Mon Nov 26 17:38:33 2001 (#1065)

temper temper

Re: JUST FUCK OFF
Posted by Alana on Sat Dec 1 06:51:06 2001 (#1079)

Hey...that wasn't me.

Alana

Re: JUST FUCK OFF
Posted by Alana on Thu Dec 6 15:28:38 2001 (#1082)

haha it was really I lied

Re: JUST FUCK OFF
Posted by Alana on Fri Dec 7 05:56:31 2001 (#1085)

Heh, whatever, that wasn't me. I don't have enough time to pull shit like that. Who the fuck cares? Uhmm, not me. Piss off already, you're so immature and don't even deserve the time of day. For the last time GROW UP!

Alana

Re: JUST FUCK OFF
Posted by Repeated Mistake on Tue Jan 22 21:27:54 2002 (#1126)

Alana, you need to stop coming here if you're just gunna abuse the board like that. Now how about you take your own advice and FUCK OFF.

It's over
Posted by Aspen on Mon Nov 26 03:47:52 2001 (#1059)

that's it, it's over.. I can't take it anymore, my life is over.

they don't care
Posted by michelle on Mon Nov 26 04:40:10 2001 (#1062)

i started cutting myself because no one ever payed any attention to me. they didn't ever care or worry about me. i was always the "perfect" one. i guess they thought they didn't NEED to worry. it's so unfair. now that i am cutting myself i still dont get attention. i got it at first, but now it's like everyone has forgotten about it. how could u forget about something like that. or maybe they really don't care

Re: they don't care
Posted by Hellboundangel666@hotmail.com on Mon Nov 26 05:02:07 2001 (#1063)

attention seeking bitch, you put people with REAL problems to shame.. fuck off and slit your wrists properly.. your giving everyone else a bad name

Re: they don't care
Posted by Melz on Mon Nov 26 17:06:29 2001 (#1064)

Don't cut yourself for attention. That's not why people cut. If you want attention, go join a play or something.

Re: they don't care
Posted by Aspen on Tue Nov 27 01:57:47 2001 (#1068)

don't listen to what these other ppl have said hon! Cutting is a real problem, for whatever reason you do it and the others here who have replied obviously have severe problems of their own! I would suggest talking to a counsellor, and trust me, I know how you feel,I cut too. We all do it for different reasons and no matter what that reason is, help is needed and there is a problem present. Feel free to e-mail me okay? treefrog424@hotmail.com Take Care, Aspen

WHERE IS EVERYONE???¬
Posted by SARAH SMITHERS on Thu Nov 29 01:53:46 2001 (#1070)

COME ON IVE BEEN ON THIS BOARD FOR WEEKS NOW AND NO ONES POSTED!! WHERE ARE YOU ALL?? YOU ALL FINALLY DONE THE DEED?? ARE YOU ALL DEAD?????? WAKE UP!!!!

Re: WHERE IS EVERYONE???¬
Posted by ~~~ on Thu Nov 29 14:30:56 2001 (#1071)

Most people just post on the self injury board.

Butterfly.

Get Help
Posted by God on Thu Nov 29 20:31:06 2001 (#1072)

Does anyone deserve to live is anyone worthy enough. If you can find one reason to live you are saved if you cant do what needs to be done. Don't think you will know, if you have any doubt take action, do something. Get up walk outside and shoot yourself. No one will care or miss you!

Re: Get Help
Posted by Melz on Thu Nov 29 22:20:29 2001 (#1073)

oh boy,how can you even post under the name God. God does not want anyone to kill themselves,never has, never will. obviously you don't want to kill yourslef, so why are you posting here?

Re: Get Help
Posted by Aspen on Fri Nov 30 00:19:05 2001 (#1074)

Don't ever say anything like that again, the people here need help and obviously can't get it! You have no right to come in here like you know what you're talking about and who you are talking to and tell them what to do. You need to know the impact of such hostile, cowardly words when you say shit like that. Go somewhere where you belong you sociopath.

Re: Get Help
Posted by CryingRedTears on Fri Nov 30 03:32:47 2001 (#1076)

okay-first of all-it's because of people like you that people who truly need it can't get the help they need. and to respond a little further---FUCK YOU! you asked if anyone deserves to life-of course-they all do. just because someone thinks about taking their own life doesn't mean that they don't deserve a chance. and who the hell are you to say that no one will miss the people on this board. screw you asshole. you don't help the situations. this board is for your own morbid amusement. screw you-oh, and feel free to email me, i would love the opportunity to bitch you out agian.

you have just experienced a mind dribble by: brittany

I am so angry and don't know where to direct it!
Posted by Aspen on Fri Nov 30 22:31:06 2001 (#1077)

I cannot believe the world! I feel so ashamed, of myself and I've done nothing wrong! I was taken to the hospital on Tuesday morning b/c I was feeling very suicidal and then we went home. The thing is, is that before I left for the hospital, I called one of my closest friends and told her I wouldn't be going to school that day and why. I assumed she would see it as a personal situation and not tell anyone, but she told 2 of our friends and the fucking streetworker at my school. Telling my friends was maddenning enough, but telling the streetworker? It made no sense! I later found out from my Mom that the streetworker had called her and had heard that I was in the hospital, and wanted to know more. First of all it's none of her business and second of all, why didn't she talk to me first? I had already disliked the streetworker b/c she told my Mom something confidential last year and she had no right. I had recently made peace with her but that is sure as hell over. I had been talking to her (once or twice) about cutting myself, but that the cuts weren't too bad and that it was probably a temporary thing. She used this as a way to stick her nose in all of my business. She took me out of class today and told me how she found out, and that she had been tracking me very closely. She has no idea what she is talking about, I told her the cutting was over and that what had happened at the hospital had nothing to do with her but she kept insisting it had b/c I had told her previously that I had been cutting myself. I assured her many times that it had nothing to do with school or her and to shut the fuck up b/c she didn't know what she was talking about. I was getting so angry at this insatiable bitch that I just wanted to slap her! I had said during this time "how am I supposed to lead a normal life if everyone keeps bugging me about it?" she replied by saying "you think you're normal?" and she laughed! I then said "ya b/c that's so damn funny" and at this point it was her that was making me feel bad. I left and have never felt to violated and hurt before. She is by no means aloud to behave like that and what the fuck is her problem? It has nothing to do with her, so keep your fucking face out of my business bitch!

Re: I am so angry and don't know where to direct i
Posted by jen on Fri Dec 7 02:11:50 2001 (#1083)

this stupid bitch at my school the counsler, well my day had sucked already cause my boyfriend had broke up w/ me for writeing in my diary i was cutting and i was close to killing myself, well my now ex, had went and told her what i said and did i felt so violated my own personal diary she called my parents and they were all worried they went and told the whole family so now they think i am a fucking freak. well my lil cuz is the only one i can trust she loves me no matter what my grand parents told me they were going to send me to a (what they call) "looney bin" i was so mad i told them to fuck off and stick their nose in someone elses shit i was feeling so violated, neways thas besides the point the counsler told like all of my teachers to keep and eye on me i was so mad plus that i had lost the love of my life the one person i gave something speacial to him and i felt so violated i can say that so many times and it won't feel any better or make it better my twin is like buggin me now she won't leave me the fuck alone any more cause of it it sucks ass i just need some privasy e-mail me at my e-mail some time i will talk to you k thanks for readin this it means alot well g2g sincerly,
:jen

Who's the immature one?
Posted by Alana on Sat Dec 1 06:50:28 2001 (#1078)

I'm so sick of people posting as me. Note to everyone that it wasn't me who wrote that nasty post "just fuck off"...some immature lazy fuck must have wrote it. Everybody who knows me, knows as well that I have no problem what so ever with the suicide board and anybody on it.

So....who's the immature one? Get over it, and get over yourself. If you have a problem with me, maybe you should tell me about it, and then maybe I can understand what I've done to you.

Alright lazy fuck, take it easy.

Alana

If you've noticed, nobody gives a shit
Posted by Alana on Fri Dec 7 03:04:02 2001 (#1084)

Grow up ya little shit...its getting so old and nobody even cares. If you wanna cause some distress you might as well post on the Si board, cuz lots of people hate me there....so go on, make it happen...drive me away again.

Alana

please read and reply
Posted by jen on Fri Dec 7 19:51:53 2001 (#1086)

hey everyone what leads you to insanity cutting or wanting to die i have never know but i know i want to die please tell me y i think this way i would really like to know thanks always, jen

Re: please read and reply
Posted by CriMsON*TeArs on Sun Dec 16 03:06:16 2001 (#1092)

only you know that

WHAT BEAST IS THIS?
Posted by Tanya leigh on Wed Dec 19 12:37:11 2001 (#1094)

WHEN LIFE IS FULL OF PAIN, WHAT IS THE EASIEST WAY OUT? IM SURE WE ALL KNOW: TO KILL OURSELVES. A PURPOSE? DUH, TO END THE MISERY OF OTHERS AND YOURSELF. FUTURE THERE IS NO FUTURE! LIFE...IM NOT LIVING IM DEAD ALREADY. I FEEL SO DEAD THAT THE ONLY WAY TO FEEL ALIVE IS TO CUT MYSELF. WHAT IS THAT UH? IS THAT WHAT U CALL CRAZY? IS THAT SORT OF THING STUPID? WHATS THE POINT THERE IS NONE. I AM UNCONTROLABLE. WHIPPED AND TORMENTED BY THIS BEAST.... AMBIVALENT.... ALONE... YET FOLLOWED BY THIS CREATURE THAT STUFFS MY MIND WITH THOUGHTS OF DESTRUCTION. ANYTHING FOR A WAY OUT!

Re: WHAT BEAST IS THIS?
Posted by metan01d on Mon Dec 24 10:50:39 2001 (#1101)

think--what *spawned* such a beast?

something so magnificent as that it has the antidote of such a beast?

if sad, what is in opposition to sad?

(in my view, i don't feel i have to *be* happy--when i'm sad, and this is often, i *KNOW* that there is happiness and joy that exist and dualistically counter sadness and sorrow.

just knowing this and that maybe someone is feeling this is 'good enough' for me.

it's a long explanation, but choking off the "ego" is the major way to make inroads to this position ;)

i think the term is "depersonalize": don't take "Life" so personal, flow with/in it and be the child of Life that you've always been.

it's been a long time
Posted by alligatorbumps on Fri Dec 21 06:33:23 2001 (#1096)

haven't posted anywhere here in a long time...nothing was working...nothing ever does...I'm waiting for a really happy moment and then want to kill myself...b/c it'll never work out...2, 3 years ago fell in love with a guy more than twice my age (I'm 23)...it's just so right in terms of emotions and feelings and comfortability...is that a word?

anyway, we didn't talk for a while and now we started again...b/c I knew it would never work out before I never let much happen...but it's the only thing that I think will make me feel complete and finished...I don't want anything more out of life...wish I could be with him long term, but it won't work...but it would be great to just be with him and then be able to leave life...I don't see the point... I know this seems stupid, but I've known this man for many years, he knows everything about me...I don't know what to do...obviously there's a lot more that I'm not writing...for those of you who don't remember me or know who I am, I came to this board b/c I was a cutter, now I scratch until I bleed instead...I like the feeling better and the burn stays with me for 2, 3 days...I always get in to troubling thoughts at night, when I'm just alone...even with people I start feeling alone... anyway, that's it...if any of you have thoughts, I'd like to hear them...no, I can't run off with this man...wish that would work thanks...take care everyone

Re: it's been a long time
Posted by JEN on Mon Dec 24 03:29:26 2001 (#1099)

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL I HAVE KNOW A GUY THAT IS 16 I AM 14 (SAD TO SAY I THINK I AM IN LOVE AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE) HE LIVES IN MINNISOTA AND I LIVE IN ILLINOIS WE MET CAMPING AND I JUST FELL IN LOVE W/ HIM ALTHO I DIDN'T KNOW ITBOTH OF MY SISTER THOUGHT THEY LIKED HIM TO I GAVE HIM MY PHONE NUMBER AND E-MAIL AND SURE ENOUGH HE CAME HOME THE DAY AFTER I LEFT BECAUSE HE MISSED ME HE E-MAIL ME NOT MY SISTERS ME HE ASKED ME OUT EVEN THO WE LIVE SO FAR AWAY I TALKED TO HIM ON THE PHONE AND I E-MAILED HIM EVRY NIGHT WELL I KNEW HE WAS TO GOOD TO BE TRUE HE TREATED ME FOR ME HE DIDN'T CARE HOW MUCH I WEIGHED ARE IF I AM UGLY OR NOT HE LIKED ME AND I MET HIM 3 YEARS AGO TILL THIS DAY WE STILL TALK LIKE WE A G/F AND B/F BUT WE AREN'T GOING OUT I MISS HIM SO MUCH I WISH WE CAUSE LIVE BY EACHOTHER BUT I KNOW IT WON'T HAPPEN. AND ONE REASON I HAVE BEEN ON THIS BOARD IS BECAUSE MY SISTER HAS BEEN CALLING MY FAT AND UGLY (MY TWIN SISTER THAT IS) AND I HAVE BEEN CUTTING MY SELF ALOT AND MY FRIEND HAS BEEN NEXT TO MY SIDE THE WHOLE TIME LISTENING TO MY FEELINGS HE IS SUCH A GOOD PERSON I LOVE HIM FOR THAT BUT I CANNOT STOP CUTTING I JUST CAN'T BUT I HAVE TO GO EAT SOME DINNER NOW THANKS FOR READING THIS YOU CAN E-MAIL ME AT FOOTBALLGODESS87@AOL.COM SINCERLY, JEN

Re: it's been a long time
Posted by alligatorbumps on Sun Jan 27 07:41:40 2002 (#1132)

sorry I didn't answer in so long...was on vacation and forgot I posted here since it's not in my routine anymore... sure it's common to fall in love when you're 14...some people are mature enough to... I'm in the same predicament with the same guy...our feelings just become more and more intense...on the phone the other night he said he doesn't say everything he feels b/c he knows I can be emotionally fragile...but he says enough, like how he wants a wife and family again and how it hurts that he knows I can't be that to him without a drastic change that he or I can't make in our lives now...that floored me...and makes me sad b/c we're perfect except we can't be together... I'm so torn and have no idea what to do...been scratching till I bleed more often recently...just had more good ideas for harming...sigh...I just want to talk to him but he was so tired and needed sleep before I got on...fuck, I hate life...never think I'll last long...it's like I'm stuck in an hourglass...I don't know which way to go but I'm pointing down...thanks for whoever reads this...comments to my above message is definitely appreciated since I have no idea what to do...thanks, take care of yourselves

on sucide
Posted by jane on Sun Dec 23 14:04:31 2001 (#1097)

I just wonted to share this. To kill your self is not easy thing to do. I was 19 years old the frist time I tried to kill my self I just hated me and my life. So one night I took some pills but the nexts day I was still hear a bit later I tried again and again it did not work. To hate some much and this world and wonting to get out but you can not just get it right.Eve day to feall so sad,angerand emptyand like you are crying and screaming on the in side it is reall hard to live this way.I tried to cut my wrist one night but a freind found me and I end up in the hosptil .That just made me feall worse thay made me fell ashemed about it all. I was told that I was just a bit deppressed and put on antidepressant and had to see my doc .But I hated the way I was fealling on the drugs and the way people were with me.So I just moved away and stop the drugs I thogh a new strat would help but that is not true I still go up and down now I just wait for the day I will be free .I am not affaied of death I wait for it with open arms . To now that I will now long be this way to be free from this place I hate. I now that the right day will come and then then pain will stop

Re: on sucide
Posted by metan01d on Mon Dec 24 10:39:38 2001 (#1100)

"So I just moved away and stop the drugs I thogh a new strat would help but that is not true I still go up and down now I just wait for the day I will be free .I am not affaied of death I wait for it with open arms . To now that I will now long be this way to be free from this place I hate. I now that the right day will come and then then pain will stop"

here here--i feel the same way. every day, though *seeming* as a new start, only holds the potential of returning to the "down" status of emotions.

i literally go up and down within the hour it seems like *laugh*. i'll sit and cry under my black-light sometimes when i think about the utter perilousness of the world of the physicalized being. (just a moment ago i came across some memorials to kristen pfaff, former-suicide-bassist for the band Hole and her story of dying of a heroin OD in $eattle, where i live, filled me w/ so much sorrow cuz she allegedly had her vehicle packed and was ready to move back to the midwest and "start over").

my little story of last night: i decided to smoke this bag of *stuff* i actually found on the bus a couple nights ago when coming home from work. i took it to be hero(in), though i'm no expert.

AW, i was thinking about it and playing music and getting drunk when i thought, fuck it--i'll smoke the stuff. me, i smoked it and came *down* (So i guess it wasn't a coke-based product), and i was only going to smoke a portion of the bag...but i ended up smoking the entire baggy actually hoping that i'd OD somehow, someway.

i always lie down in bed when i zone out, and this time i was welcoming any sort of demise of the body that might come about as a result of smoking this stuff i couldn't even positively identify. i puffed DEEPLY and i puffed it ALL away. (then i went out to a compost pile and picked a few shrooms for measure :)...of course, they weren't that potent so nothing big happened. i ended up going into a nice little slumber)

all i can suggest jane is--please try not to go out *bitter* (for me). i've been thinking, since september 11th, how much more the united states citizenry has been showing it's true, orwellian predicated colors, as the individuals of which have been busy selling each other out and existing in a combo of fear and selfishness/self-centeredness ever since. a lot of people i know feel this way and it feels like there's no hope of making things 'better'.

the reason i say try not to feel bitter and hateful about things is because--it's *you* feeling this. YOU. only you. freedom--"ab-solution&quo t;--is also about letting go. this is the message that is given to people who aren't necessarily su-icidal as well, but i think those feeling that terminus of self is the only might want to look at this idea.

i know the only thing keeping me all miserable here/now is *me*--i have so many unfulfilled desires it's not funny *laugh*. but i know i'm going to have to deal w/ this. i don't want to be a "spoil-sport" and i don't want my disposition to effect me, should there be "life-after-death" (whatever this may entail).

again, i live in $eattle, and i see so many people whose hearts are in the process of stoning up--turning to stone--cuz they can't/won't let go of the hurt..yada yada. i don't want to be like that---

..and i've found a way to *logically* not be like that. it doesn't involve having "blind faith" in a [God] that can't even been *truly* experienced, even if one wanted to do so (even holy books allude to this seeming impossibility of the experience of the 'Infinite and Absolute').

(i must say here that i'm into logic, metaphysics, "peter-pan" complexes,...and other non-sensical positions that make me such an outcast).

i've come up w/ a saying (being the philosopher that i feel i am): 'Life' is not the same as living. we get caught up in the mundanity of 'everyday living' so much so that we lose sight of (though in the least only) what is the truest position of our very existence (at least i have felt this way. i've got a cool story about LSD and the reassurance of glowing flowers if anyone wants to hear).

there is so much to say about suicide and the feelings that suicidal individuals have (and how they feel about their environment in general). if you jane, or anyone, would like to talk about things in a sincere and non-patronizing forum, i have a yahoo! group ("d1s0llut10n res0lut10n") where i want to address the very issues covered by this forum.

take care all--it's free

metan01d (kenny)

----------------------- ------------------- "a born freak can only go up hill."--Uma Thurman as Sissy Hankshaw in the film "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues" --------------------------

Re: on sucide
Posted by KAT on Sat Jan 26 20:58:32 2002 (#1131)

I'm glad you're still here and if you read this, I'm so glad that you've accepted death as a thing that will happen when the time is ready. Hurting stop, it truley does but death lasts forever..please take care of yourself, and hang in there. love KAT

open invite to a *dynamic* forum...
Posted by metan01d on Mon Dec 24 11:19:01 2001 (#1102)

...on depression/suicide/emily dickinson/logic/*feel0sophy/dr eams/whatever..

non-patronizing discussions (at least on my part) w/ regards to suicidal tendencies (i feel em every now and again).

so now--

is it a fool that thinks that death is merely but a loss of breath? when does it end? how can one truly know? if caught up in the flow of Life as such bones break as much do s0uls break? how much force does it take? can the strength to bear Life be summoned from within? tolerate perceived "error"?-- no, my patience wears thin

so when i must go do i know, or know not? do *I* tend to move on as my bodies just rot? and am i to dream once death's term sets in? is death to be considered a loss or a win? ...or rest for the heart now i'm back at the start when i was much younger and what began as my hunger for more, bigger better and soon to be all has become now my resolve the once-child i now call

as i seek out death does my mind decide to bend? as i think: "when did i really start?" "when shall i truly end?"

the yahoo group is "d1s0lut10n res0lut10n"; you should be able to join right in and everybody will (should) have equal status in the group (hopefully). (the "i's" and the "o's" in the group name are replaced by 1's and 0's, respectively.

take care all--it's free

metan01d (kenny s)

To metan01d
Posted by jane on Mon Dec 24 13:25:25 2001 (#1103)

I now that life is wait you make it.But if you do not wish to be here then you should have the right to get out. I was not ask to come to the world I had now say in it at all. Yes I do hate myself and the world every day I think of a reason why to stay around. I have good were I think the world is great but then comes the darkness and down I go. The people I hate the most are people how think that people like me are selfish and just need a good kick up the dackside. I do have yahoo messenger but I can just go to the main part right now it is new to me.I would like to chat more on this this is my yahoo messenger tin_can002001 I am on line for a bit . jane

Re: To metan01d:::recursion??
Posted by metan01d on Tue Dec 25 06:16:44 2001 (#1104)

then i shall talk to you soon (it'd be nice that we didn't have to worry about the "labels"...i see what you mean, and some of the truly selfish people--the ones always trying to "keep a person alive"--may indeed be the selfish ones.

there is another aspect of selfishness and that's "you v. the environment"...i'll probably put some new stuff up in the dis-res group. basically, the argument goes like this: if all i think about is how i desire to feel and not necessarily about how i *can* feel--at any given moment, or even in opposition to when i feel *bad*--......... aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh.....

but enough of this "explaining" and stuff; i just want others to be and i want to be (not so complex)...talk to you soon.

----------------------- www.force-inc.com

take care--it's free

Re: To metan01d:::recursion??
Posted by jane on Tue Dec 25 12:50:18 2001 (#1105)

I will be no line at 2.00 in the mornig my time UK. If you have yahoo messenger then I will be there the last depression cat room. Post or e.mail me if you can make it ok

Re: To metan01d:::recursion??
Posted by metan01d on Tue Dec 25 14:52:46 2001 (#1106)

damn--yahoo is causing stack-crashes for me :(

had to reinstall...plus i'm drunk.

i'll catch up with you. gonna sleep a bit.

that simple connexion...
Posted by metan01d on Wed Dec 26 01:38:58 2001 (#1107)

leaving mesgs means "attempt at communication"; whether one-way, or output input/response.

i want to be there to respond. i do care...but those sending out the signal have to care as well. (the communication shows that you care, even in the least, at least)

right, wrong, good, bad, hellbound or nowhere--wo/man...

i don't have a "mesg from [God]" or a saviour complex--i really do fucking care.

can you break my heart? nah--only, my heart does break, but because i do give a shit.

i do admire the far eastern tradition--and indeed the tradition of all beings that do give a shit about each other (and not just the ego fulfillment of each other)--where there is a good chance that someone will be there for you in that time of 'need' (or desire--the desire to not be alone, to not be scared...).

at ones side at death or moment of despair/fright--you can't keep someone from dying and if you try it is indeed "unnatural". you can't keep someone from feeling sorrow. it's what they're feeling.

but if another can't be there (and i've had that 3:00am acid 'breakdown', calling a femme i hadn't talked to in a while, just to hear her fucking voice..i felt like a tard afterward, but i felt comfort for a few minutes), as the old 80's song goes, whose gonna drive you home tonight?

there is you. you can be strong, you can be sad, you can be "on the verge"--but it's all you.

you can also imagine that someone does give a shit and doesn't think you're a loon and doesn't want to treat you as such. someone who just wants to take you in their arms and in silence, soothe your woes.

Re: that simple connexion...
Posted by jane on Thu Dec 27 11:18:56 2001 (#1108)

That was quiet a good message and if there were faces hear I would put a smile. Yes the pain and sadness is your own and yes to communicat is a big thing for how ever is in pain and yes thay have to make the frist move but some time that is not a easy thing to do.

Re: that simple connexion...
Posted by metan01d on Sun Dec 30 12:47:55 2001 (#1110)

why it's not simple i don't know could it be because i'm scared to let go? that notion of losing what at once was found love wandered in and made a terrible sound i shrank and i panicked as happens more by the year growing colder by the day older from the fear....

--------- yada blah--on the spot ----------------------

Re: that simple connexion...
Posted by jane on Sun Jan 13 18:36:00 2002 (#1115)

ok yes it is fear to open the door. TO take of the old coat that you feall safe with to be this way for so long and to now that in one way you are safe.

Re: that simple connexion...
Posted by metan01d on Wed Jan 16 11:51:01 2002 (#1118)

and the meaning of 1 + 1?...

days drift by i drift in a daze bye may mean hi reappear through the haze

(hey again jane :)

Re: that simple connexion...
Posted by kenny on Mon Feb 11 03:54:06 2002 (#1151)

you know me as such no need for a name you owe me not much when will you feel the same?

(emotional little man am i..i don't want to feel this way, but i do want to feel this way...opening yourself for..whatever hurt.

i'll take my chances cuz hurt's been had before so this is what they would call a 'good bet' :)

metan01d

"Dead" Silence here
Posted by KAT on Sat Jan 12 15:35:16 2002 (#1114)

geez no ones posted in this forum since december 30th. thats a bit disturbing since I KNOW that a lot of people who post or have posted or will post here aren't in the best state of mind and usually arent "alright". Thats scary..I've been in and out of shit, but ehre I am...saying hello to anyone out there willing to respond. both these boards the SI and especially this one have gotten very slow..I dont know if thats a good or bad thing. Dors, Alana..Barabara..EVERYONE. Im sorry I have a terrible memory and those are the names I could remember but I know theres more of you.. if you dont wish to respond thats fine. Im just worried for you....YA!!!! beleive it or not!! so someone post something take care -KAT

Re: "Dead" Silence here
Posted by Alana on Thu Jan 17 06:11:05 2002 (#1119)

wattup hairy butt? I don't post here too much...well...because...nobody else does, so what's the point really. I question why nobody posts here...and I than realize its a suicide board, and I'm afraid to think that probably half of the people who have posted here have had enough courage to take that last breath of life before leaving the rest of us here to suffer in silence. Its scary to think of it that way, but I'm afraid its probably true...one way or another. Some of us will make it out, and some of us won't. Its just a matter of time.

I miss people, I miss people I haven't met yet. I don't know how to explain it. The best way I can is I'm completely in love with whomever I'm going to marry...even though I don't know him yet. Its the promise of them that I'm in love with. It's freaky...I just wanted to share that even though it has nothing to do with anything.

Booyass, Alana

Re: "Dead" Silence here
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 17 23:42:22 2002 (#1121)

cool hehe

life sux
Posted by Michelle on Sun Jan 13 21:57:22 2002 (#1116)

My name is michelle and i want to die because no one understands me my famliy always talks about my new neice and i dont have no friends cause of my ears i have i want to die on my arm but no one knows about it cause they hate me so much. i know suicide is not the answer but what else am i suppose to do life fucking sux and nobody not even a genuis can tell me whats the real meaning of liveing here on earth its all a bunch of shit.

Re: life sux
Posted by KAT on Mon Jan 14 02:19:47 2002 (#1117)

Hi Michelle....feel better...

I think theres a lot of different meanings to everyones own personal life. not just one huge meaning for everyone. try and figure out what your meanings are..take care -KAT

Re: life sux
Posted by Alana on Thu Jan 17 06:12:37 2002 (#1120)

I'm right with ya. Hang in there.

Love, aLaNa

Re: life sux
Posted by brad on Sat Feb 16 12:00:47 2002 (#1157)

dear michelle,

i'm writing to you to let you know that i am here for you. so PLEASE write to me and i will help you through the hurdles of life!!

BRAD

let me out
Posted by kitty on Fri Jan 18 18:05:14 2002 (#1122)

im going mad, i hate being relient on alcohol, without alcohol i cant get through a day and i never escape my sense of pointlessness to my existence

i wish i could just be free from all this pain and find release in myself

if your ever looking for someone to relate to rerad the book 'Prozac' -- its amazing - im sure you'll find some aspect of yourself in there

if anyone ever wants to just talk email me or find me on msn

it's alright
Posted by KAT on Fri Jan 18 23:34:18 2002 (#1125)

hey there, I actually own the book Prozac, my mom bought it for me while I was in the hospital. It's pretty good and easy to relate to, you're right. Maybe you should try going to some A/A meetings if you are serious about quiting drinking, or even if you arent serious it'll help open your eyes Im sure. It really will..people have a lot of misconceptions about A/A and N/A I know I did. but after a few meetings I loved the place(even though I havent been in a while). My shcedule is tight these days, anyway take care of yourself..dont give up OK??>!!! love KAT