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Threads 226 to 250

Nobody talks about being ugly as a reason for suic
Posted by MrB on Sun Aug 26 00:29:03 2001 (#800)

ide. Well I have been all my life. I've had a rhinoplasty and otoplasty both of which went pear-shaped, and everyone I speak to says that revisions only make things worse. I have acne scars on my nose which NO treatment will cure, despite the claims of so many fraudsters and cosmetic con-artists. I have never had a girlfriend, and probably never will have. And to top all this I think I may have prostate cancer as I am starting to have trouble going to the toilet. I am only 28. And my hair is starting to recede on 1 side, probably early because of all the stress I've had. What do I have to look forward to?

Funny how nobody ever mentions any of the above things when talking about suicide. It's like you can only consider it if you have a terminal illness or something. Well all of the above still cause your life to be utterly miserable. And when you go out somewhere, people look at you like you're some kind of freak just for walking down to the shops. (My left ear hangs out at the top thanks to an incomplete pin-back, looking worse than before, and my surgeon said it can't be fixed).

I know some people have far worse problems, but mine are still bad enough to cause me to just exist, and not have a life.

Thanks for listening. I will exhaust every possible method of fixing my problems before attempting the big 'S', but I know it's just a matter of time.

B

Re: Nobody talks about being ugly as a reason for
Posted by Alana on Sun Aug 26 00:41:03 2001 (#801)

My looks have alot to do with the crap I PUT myself through. Nothing quite like cellulite to cheer up a 17 year old girl.

Speaking for myself...looks mean nothing to me when searching for a soulmate. If you are a intense, and beautiful person on the inside, it won't matter. Looks fade, charm remains.

Smile for me please :^)

Alana

Re: Nobody talks about being ugly as a reason for
Posted by somebdy who feels tha same on Mon Aug 27 20:03:25 2001 (#805)

hi i dont know if ur some1 who posts under another name or if uve been here b4, or if ur ever coming back....but I'd like to talk to u, i really hate the way i look but most people think its "selfish" to be so stressed about that, i dont know why, becuz they never say anyhting about selfishness to the people who taunt me about it. id like 2 talk to u sometime email me if u see this Bloodflowers2k@hotmail.com or if u have yahoo my name is angel_with_scars plz email me it wud be grately appreciated

xxxxxxx

I love all of you!!!
Posted by Alana on Sun Aug 26 00:42:41 2001 (#802)

I must say..I love this board, and everyone on it.

Thanks for seeing me through the rough times. I hope that I was as much as a help to some of you that you were to me.

~Alana Banana~

Re: I love all of you!!!
Posted by bm on Sun Aug 26 18:13:52 2001 (#803)

even if i dont feel up to replying it helps reading the posts kinda feel your not alone in feeling so shity..

Hi, im new
Posted by Slit Wrists on Mon Aug 27 16:49:23 2001 (#804)

Hey everyone, Ive never been here before. So I guess Ill tell you a little about myself. I am female and 17. I have depression and god knows what else. I have tried to kill myself so many times i lost count, 3 attempts i ended up in the hospital. I also SI, I have for about 3 years now. Right now Im really confused becuase I keep thinking about death, and about suicide but Im afraid to tell anyone, like my counsler or doctor because I absolutly do NOT want to end up back in the hospital. Im afraid to tell my best freind who I usually tell everything to. The thought just keeps popping up and its haunting me and I dont know what to do right now. I just want to slice my wrist open and watch the blood slowly drain from me. My insides are slowly dying. I dont know what to do or who to turn to. I dont know whether I want to tell someone or not, if my freind finds out shell tell my mom and my mom will want me to go to the hospital and I cant do that again. Im so god damn frusterated, I cant handle it right now. Does anyone understand?! Anyone at all?

~Slit Wrists

I UNDERSTAND U
Posted by WHITNEY on Wed Dec 19 12:42:46 2001 (#1095)

I UNDERSTAND YOU COMPLETELY TO THE POINT THAT WHEN I READ WHAT YOU WROTE IT SOUNDED LIKE MY THOUGHTS TOO. EXCEPT I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO HOSPITAL FOR ANY OF MY ACTS OF SELF HARM. YET NOONE KNOWS HOW I FEEL. YOU CANT REALLY TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS KIND OF PROBLEM. YOU NEED TO TRUST SOMEONE AND IN THE SAME WAY TELL SOMEONE. WRITE TO ME AT WWW.WIDE_B_OCEAN@YAHOO.COM WOULD APPRECIATE IT. YOURS SINCERELY WHITNEY

Re: Hi, im new
Posted by Alana on Wed Aug 29 01:30:44 2001 (#809)

I understand completely. I feel the same, but don't want to go back to the hospital and get everyone mad at me again. I just caused too much shit in my family. So I remain SILENT.

Email me sometime.

i also have a diary at (www.opendiary.com) and my name is ScarredSoul. Come and check it out anytime you want.

Love yous, Alana

Re: Hi, im new
Posted by amy on Wed Mar 13 16:43:21 2002 (#1224)

hi, i can totaly understand wat ur saying. i think aboooout killin myself all the time i plan different ways in my head. i would rather be dead than live my shity life. ive taken 2 overdoses b4 & faild. i cant stop selfharming i do it everyday sometimes twice a day and my family hate me 4 it because they dont know y i do it! i dont know how 2 get better?

amy

what i have to
Posted by rae on Mon Aug 27 20:23:27 2001 (#806)

Every time that i do something right i do 2 wrongs the suffering and the pains they linger on Some say they know me and even like me that they wanna show me well i say bite me.

The truth of the matter goes like this with life, love and the world i am truly pissed If i died tomorrow i know that i might be missed but it comes down to i have run out of butts to kiss.

So all you saints say a prayer for me all my friends tell me that they care for me But when they do i just turn my head away and pretend that i don’t hear a word they say.

So i guess that i am doing 2 wrongs again it seems i live just to destroy all my dreams Years ago i swore never to be happy-go-lucky if love or happiness came my way i just smiled then said go fuck me.

Its harder to be liked than to be hated something in my life at which i have concertrated For death to come and take me i have patiently waited but to live with my pains and sins it has been fated.

This world is crazy i’m not the one disturbed to many facts and rules to learn i don’t understand a word I ain’t the brainchild of the family- never gonna be a doctor I have tried to die so many times but this voice keeps saying “ I’ll stop ya”.

Wrapping my heart in barbed wire and at times my anger burns out of control like a fire but at the end of the day i’m left with one desire-Death So why am i still here how am i still breathing when this two bit world i should be leaving?.

Years ago i stopped asking for help and being able to cry tears would fall but nobody came so i stopped asking why I was told i was to different and to confused but life was for living all i had to do was choose. But those people never see themselves as i see myself looking in the mirror deep into my eyes i begin to throw up All my life i have been told to grow up.

Seems like just days after i was born i was told to do everything in life the norm But i have never been able to do things that way now i just do what i have to just to get through the day

to everyone
Posted by Doris on Tue Aug 28 06:15:05 2001 (#807)

Hi everyone

I've been moving back into school and helping my boyfriend move into his new apartment so I haven't been around much. Everything's fine with me, but that's not important. I'd just like to reply to everyone with one post.

Dave - Honey, I was hurt by what you said. I felt like you were pushing beliefs on me and I didn't understand why you were so offended when I wasn't even replying to you. I'm sorry if I upset you. I don't want you to leave this board or this life. You know Ruth needs you here. You know SO many people would be miserable without you. Please stay - we love you.

Alana - I love you, too. :) You help so many people - myself included. You give me so much hope. Thanks, hun. :)

Slit Wrists - Welcome! Believe me, we all understand how you feel. No one on this board is alone. We are all struggling with SI, depression, suicidal thoughts, etc. Feel free to post here whenever you'd like and let your emotions out here and not on yourself! :)

MrB - I used to HATE the way I look!! I'm overweight, my acne is bad, my hair is disgusting... you know the story. A while ago I wanted to die because I was sick of little kids calling me fat and guys rejecting me. BUT, about 6 months ago I found my soulmate. He thinks I am the most beautiful girl in the entire world and that is the only opinion that matters to me now. We have such a non-superficial relationship becuase we met and fell in love online! :)

I just wanted to tell you, MrB, that beauty is what you want it to be. I feel I am a beautiful person because I know how to love. You seem like a very beautiful person, expressing yourself poetically. There is beauty in everyone - some people are unfortunate enough to only have it on the outside - people like myself are LUCKY enough to have it on the inside. Much love. :)

Love and strength to all,

Doris

no way
Posted by scag on Tue Aug 28 23:36:37 2001 (#808)

I don't know. why i'm writting here? i'm sorry i come from austria und my english is bad.

til i was 13 i cut myself.

7times i was in a psychosomatic.

i'm so tired so i don't want any more.

shit it why? god i hate him.

he was so ugly. it was so... i see alwayd these pictures

i can't sleep

why did i write this? please don't be angry with me

yours scag

Hmm
Posted by Shawna on Sat Sep 1 04:55:57 2001 (#814)

I'm not angry with you... Shouldnt this be what we do around here? Spill out our feelings? I have friends from Germany, dont worry about it, I can still read what you're saying...

~*~Shawna~*~

Nobody posts here
Posted by Alana on Sat Sep 1 00:06:18 2001 (#810)

Nobody posts here, hmmm...maybe that's a damn good thing.

How is everyone doing? Let me know.

Take care, Alana

Re: Nobody posts here
Posted by Doris on Sat Sep 1 03:23:14 2001 (#811)

Hey Alana,

I'm doing pretty well. I also have been wondering why no one posts anymore. I think you're right - it is a good thing. How are you, hun? You still trucking along? :-P How's life treating you these days?

I had a weird dream last night. I had a baby and I named her Alana. Pretty strange. :)

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: Nobody posts here
Posted by Alana on Sat Sep 1 19:55:26 2001 (#821)

are you serious? My name is so god damn pretty....hhehehehe, just joking.

Re: Nobody posts here
Posted by Doris on Sun Sep 2 04:35:26 2001 (#824)

It's BEAUTIFUL!!! :)

Loves!

Hi... I'm New
Posted by Brynn on Sat Sep 1 04:52:07 2001 (#812)

Hi everyone I'm brand spakin new here, and my life sucks donkey........ I might be kinda young, but yes I'm suicidal, and i'm not just here to criticize any of you.

~*~Brynn~*~

Re: Hi... I'm New
Posted by Doris on Sat Sep 1 17:34:22 2001 (#818)

Welcome! :) :)

Re: Hi... I'm New
Posted by Alana on Sat Sep 1 19:57:49 2001 (#822)

Feel free to say anything you want here. You can do that on the suicide board. I'd be careful about the self injury board though, never know what might happen there. Hey doris, did you notice that...nobody ever lashes out over here??!!?? Us suicidal people are much more open and understanding.. I"m just joking too everyone at SI, I'm contradicting myself, cuz I also post there and also SI. I don't care, I like it here better.

Welcome Brynn! Wow, I like that name.

Alana

Re: Hi... I'm New
Posted by Brynn on Sun Sep 2 02:37:28 2001 (#823)

Thanks I dont like my name... You want it? lol Yes, i know what you mean, I noticed I read most of that stuff on that board...... I see what you're talking about! Brynn

Re: Hi... I'm New
Posted by Doris on Sun Sep 2 04:37:28 2001 (#825)

I like the name Brynn too! Right after I posted, I was like "Man, I shoulda told her how nice her name is!" haha.

Alana, you are SO right! People here understand each other and are open for anything. Those SI people need to take notes! LOL! :)

Love and strength and furry little kittens,

Doris

Re: Hi... I'm New
Posted by *~*Little Baby Nothing*~* on Sun Sep 2 14:41:01 2001 (#827)

r u female or male? cuz i really thought brynn wuz a guys name im bigly sorry if it aint! its lovely either way.... :)

Little Baby Nothing
Posted by Doris on Sun Sep 2 20:53:52 2001 (#830)

Hey girl!

I remember you from the SI board. It's been a while - how are you? Nice to see you back! Hope all is well! :)

Love and strength and furry little kittens,

Doris

Hey I'm new around here
Posted by Shawna on Sat Sep 1 04:53:58 2001 (#813)

I'm suicidal, and I'm new... How could life get any better than this? I just made the biggest fucking mistake of my entire sucky life.........

~*~Shawna~*~

Re: Hey I'm new around here
Posted by Shawna on Sat Sep 1 04:57:15 2001 (#815)

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: Hey I'm new around here
Posted by jes on Sat Sep 1 17:32:29 2001 (#817)

hey, hope the fuck wasnt for anything too major??? n e wayz, welcome, hope it helps. jes

Re: Hey I'm new around here
Posted by Doris on Sat Sep 1 17:36:30 2001 (#819)

Hey Shawna,

What was your big mistake? You don't have to tell us, but I bet it would help. Let your sadness, anger, fear out here and not on yourself! Welcome to the board.

Much love

Doris

My BIG mistake
Posted by Shawna on Sat Sep 1 18:11:53 2001 (#820)

My boyfriend is in Michigan right now. He's been gone for a whole month. Me and my best friend *a guy named Tim* go to the movies just for the hell of it a lot, not a date, just for the fun of going somewhere, because neither of us go out anywhere very often. I've known him for 12 years, since we were a year old. He's not hot or anything, but I'm just very comfortable around him, and a loooooooooooong time ago I had this urge to kiss him but I didnt and he wouldnt stop bugging me about it, so I said I had to tell him something just so he wouldnt guess what I was gunna do. And he was bugging me at the movies last night, and I said something, just teasing him, and he tapped me on the cheek, and we got into this back and forth smacking each other around thing *We have weird ways of showing affection, dont we? ; )* and then he asked me again, and I kissed him. Just a friend wise kiss, not all hard core tongue shit, and he promised not to bring it up ever again. Yet, this morning he called me from his dad's deli where he works, and turns out he told his cousin, who goes to the high school, which is where my boyfriend is going, and my boyfriend is bound to find out sooner or later......... This sucks

Please dont preach to me that it's not the biggest mistake i'll ever make, it's just that I acted on an impulse and it was a mistake and now my boyfriend will hate me for it.... Ah shit.

Hope all else is OK with everyone! ~*~Shawna~*~

Re: My BIG mistake
Posted by Doris on Sun Sep 2 04:43:14 2001 (#826)

Wow, Shawna, I wish I had the right words. Let me just say - don't beat yourself up. You're human. Humans act on impulse without considering the consequences.

Just a couple questions. How long have you been with your boyfriend? It's been a long distance relationship for a month? Are you in love? Would he dump you for this or just take a while forgiving you? I don't mean to make you think about this at such a hard time. PLEASE feel totally free to not answer any of my questions! I just think this situation isn't as serious as you think it is - or, I should say, am hoping.

One idea (and then I'm done, I promise) - maybe (HUGE emphasis on maybe) it would be best if your boyfriend found out about it from you and not your friend's cousin. That way he'd know you are sincerely sorry and that it meant nothing to you (if it did mean nothing). Just a thought. You're in my prayers.

Love and strength and furry little kittens,

Doris

suicidal?!?!?!?!?
Posted by Alana on Sun Sep 2 19:37:18 2001 (#828)

As of right now, I would like to get a HUGE bottle of zyprexa (antipsychotics) take the whole thing. Write my goodbyes. Hug my mom. Walk down to the beach. And say goodbye to the world that I love so much, but hates me back.

Maybe this time they won't revive me after my heart attack.

Re: suicidal?!?!?!?!?
Posted by Doris on Sun Sep 2 20:52:15 2001 (#829)

Alana, honey, I love you. Please don't leave us. You are so very important to me. I consider you one of my closest friends and I don't want to lose my friend. Please just take deep breaths and let the world just slip away and go to that beautiful place in your mind where everything is perfect. Please find happiness within - this world sucks. God speed, hun.

Love and strength and furry little kittens,

Doris

I need your help!!!!!
Posted by Emily on Mon Sep 3 08:28:35 2001 (#832)

Hi everyone, i havent been here before, but I desperatly need someones help. Im 15, suffer from depression, anxiety, have attempted suicide 4 times and have been self-injuring for 3 years. I cant handle my life anymore, I saw my psychologist today and asked her to put me back into this psychiatric hospital I was in last year becasue i felt unsafe and suicidal. she said no. So basically i cant live like this anymore. Ive only ever attempted suicide with overdoses of anti-depressants and panadol. So I was wondering what medications are more effective to overdose on, and what are some other effective methods of completing suicide? please dont try and talk me out of this, my mind is made up. Thanx love emily

Re: i need your help
Posted by jes on Mon Sep 3 14:50:21 2001 (#833)

Ok, so u said not to try to talk you out of it so i won't do that. Ok, maybe a little (sorry)....Just about everyoe on this board does or has felt suicidal at some point and none of us would want anyone else to come to any harm even tho' we may be feeling exactly the same as you are now, so, i dont think anynoe is going to help you to kill yourself, hypocritical as that may be. (i mean, you wouldnt want to help anyone else to kill themselves would you??) HOWEVER, everyone on here will be willing to listen to you, talk to you and give you advice froma different point of view from the ones you're used to, so please, could you at least try to talk to some of us on here? ok, i know i did what you told me not to but i couldnt just sit there knowing that even if no-one does help you, ur going to try to kill yourself without experiencing the care and understanding that goes around this board. take care, jes xx

Re: i need your help
Posted by Emily on Tue Sep 4 05:57:13 2001 (#840)

I appreciate your concern and support, obviously I didnt attempt suicide - Im still here. i might take you up on your offer, of talking and accepting advice from people on this board - maybe sometime. Thanx again, take care Love Emily

Re: i need your help
Posted by Doris on Tue Sep 4 20:05:38 2001 (#843)

Welcome, Emily

First of all, I think it's crazy that your pyschologist would refuse you a chance to seek treatment. Sue him/her for malpractice. :-P Secondly, how would any of us know an effective method of suicide? If we did know an effective method - none of us would be here!! lol, kidding. I'm probably the only one here who has not actually tried it, so I can't help you there. I can help you with an ear, a shoulder, and a friend. Please let your emotions out here and not on yourself. There is a reason you're still alive. Please stay strong for the people that love you.

Love and strength and furry little kittens,

Doris

Re: i need your help
Posted by Emily on Wed Sep 5 09:47:11 2001 (#851)

Thanx for the support and encouragement to live. Oh and the comment on furry little kittens, that brought a smile to my face. Thanx

doris......
Posted by jes on Wed Sep 5 13:30:27 2001 (#852)

ur not alone, i too haven't managed to actually try to kill myself. i've come close. but not quite got there. (although, i did have an accident w/ SI once so some people i know would tell u i have tried ti kill me. dunno why i said this. maybe, 'part from the fact that when i first came here i was nearly the closest i have ever come to doing it and the support i got here helpe me a lot. :) take care, jes xx

Re: doris......
Posted by Doris on Thu Sep 6 02:08:46 2001 (#854)

Wow, thanks jes. I too have come close. Spent all night staring at a bottle of pills and such. But never worked up the guts. Does that make me weak? Or strong? Who knows. Thanks for the post. Stay strong, hun.

Love and strength and furry little kittens,

Doris

yep, yep, yep, yip
Posted by elle on Mon Sep 3 21:51:57 2001 (#834)

i know i am a fuck.

alana's right, nobody posts here. i just need somewhere to write something and OD is being a fuck too. the SI board is too wierd. i dont go there anymore, and since i havent cut in ages i dont think i need to go there. not that i need to be here, because i am not gonna kill myself. theres no point to this. just wanted to say hi to doris and alana. i feel comfortable with you guys and i am so like aaarrrggghhh right now. bye

Re: yep, yep, yep, yip
Posted by Shawna on Mon Sep 3 23:21:54 2001 (#836)

Dont be all aaaaaaaaarrrrggghhhh right now! You can post here whenever you feel you hafta...... I'm here

~*~Shawna~*~

Re: yep, yep, yep, yip
Posted by Alana on Tue Sep 4 00:55:15 2001 (#837)

Hey elle, where've you been?

I miss you. Did you hear that suzie is alright? Write here, whenever you want, its the only good place on the web.

Alana

Re: yep, yep, yep, yip
Posted by elle on Tue Sep 4 06:23:51 2001 (#841)

your right. this is the only good place. besides my bearded dragon board cause they post cute pics of their lizards. yeah, i talked to suzie today. musta been really scary. i dont really wanna die, but i wanna kill my life. does that make sense? i think i am gonna run away soon. as soon as i get my money and things together...i gotta decide and plan so i dont end up having my mom drag me and bring me home again. and i really wanna steal my parents car. i wonder how far i would get. then i could dump the car and take a train or bus or hitchhike. i dont know what i would do or where i would go. i think i would try to make my way to california. just cause its somewhere i have never been. i mean, i am gonna be 18 on sept 8 so its not really running away. i guess. they cant legally keep me here anymore. so i could just leave. i mean, i could survive. i am a high school graduate and i can take care of myself.

yeah, i heard suzie was ok, wait i already said that. i meant to say i havent been online much because of hockey. roller hockey.

i dunno what i am talking bout anymore. i think i might be a little drunk. wait, did i drink tonite or weas that last nighte?

do you ever wonder. like when you are home alone. i get freaked out. when i am alone all the time paranoid. think there are cameras hidden in the walls so my parents can watch me or when i babysit. or when i steal.

this is gettn long. i did a lot of sit ups today. i am getting to be a lard butt. i forget what i was gonna say.

forget it, i should erase this whole thing,

sometimes i think it is all in my timing. my whole cosmic kaarmic timing is fucked up. when i need help they dont friggin help and when i do get help i font need it. and i hate peopole when they can stand me and i love them when they want nothing to do with me......

aahhh, i kant keep a train of thought strait. maybe i should go.

ELLE!!!
Posted by Doris on Tue Sep 4 20:10:58 2001 (#844)

Hey elle!!

I missed you! I'm so glad to hear from you! Thanks for the news about suzie. I was that "old friend" on the SI board. I wanted to know if anyone knew for sure. Thanks for letting us know.

I think running away would be a serious mistake but I am never going to tell you not to do something that your heart tells you to do. And, I know EXACTLY how you feel about that cameras thing! I always feel, when I'm alone in the house or I'm babysitting, that I'm always being watched. That is so weird that you said that! :)

So glad to hear from you. :)

Love and strength and furry little kittens,

Doris

OK, here goes, Doris
Posted by Shawna on Mon Sep 3 23:19:47 2001 (#835)

Um, well, I was over at my friend's house last night, and my boyfriend was coming home, and i guess he called my house and my grandparents told him I was gone. Him and my friend are really good friends, so he called her seeing as she made him promise to call her when he got home. So he calls and my friend Katie pauses the movie and picks up the phone. K: OH HEY! S: *I guess he said something, i dunno what* K: You know your girlfriend is here? Sitting right next to me? *listens to his bullshit* Yeah, really. Wanna talk to her? *listens some more* Sean, your being a real asshole you know that? No she isnt gunna. She never said that. Dont be a dumbass. Go to high school with your orange fucking hair, fag. CLICK SHE HUNG UP.

OMG Turns out he's like "SHES GUNNA DUMP ME ISNT SHE?" OMG What kinda boyfriend doubts his own girlfriend like that?

I DONT GGGGGGEEEEEEETTTTTTT IIIIIITTTTTT

~*~Shawna~*~

Re: OK, here goes, Doris
Posted by Doris on Tue Sep 4 20:17:04 2001 (#845)

Ok, I'm a little confused. Does he know about the kiss? Is that why he said that or is he just getting bad vibes or something? Maybe he senses that things aren't the same and he's worried you're going to leave him. Have you talked to him recently? I think you two should sit down and have a looong talk about all this. I know it's MUCH easier said than done. But I think that would be the only way to clear up the confusion and miscommunication. I'm sorry you feel like he's doubting you. I have to admit that sometimes I doubt my boyfriend and get the feeling like he's going to leave me. Then we just sit down and talk about it and everything is better. I think you should try it. Good luck.

Love and strength and furry little kittens,

Doris

Will I hang or will I bleed?
Posted by Alana on Tue Sep 4 04:26:01 2001 (#838)

Thats

Will I hang or will I bleed?
Posted by Alana on Tue Sep 4 04:28:30 2001 (#839)

Thats what I keep asking myself. Will I hang myself tonight, or will I bleed? Uhmmm, they both sound pretty good to me. I'm completely numb right now. I feel nothing. No wait, I feel alot for other people, for me - notta.

Re: Will I hang or will I bleed?
Posted by elle on Tue Sep 4 06:30:10 2001 (#842)

dont, think of what you wrote in yuour drairy. oplease ... i dunno i cant tell you what to not do. life is nothing now, maKE IT INTo something in the furuew. oops futureeee

Re: Will I hang or will I bleed?
Posted by Doris on Tue Sep 4 20:19:41 2001 (#846)

Hang or bleed? That seems very one-sided. Like living is not even an option. I think you'll live and you'll be beautiful. You have to, hun. If you were supposed to die young you wouldn't be here now. Stay for us. We love you.

Love and strength and furry little kittens,

Doris

Re: NEITHER
Posted by KAT on Mon Oct 15 03:51:28 2001 (#922)

I hope your alright by now..Im kinda late on this post. love you alana......-KAT

I love you guys
Posted by Doris on Tue Sep 4 20:39:33 2001 (#847)

Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain, we all have sorrow.

But if we are wise, we know that there's always tomorrow.

Lean on me, when you're not strong and I'll be your friend.

I'll help you carry on, for it won't be long 'til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on.

Please swallow your pride, if have things you need to borrow.

For no one can fill those needs that you won't let show.

You just call on me brother when you need a hand.

We all need somebody to lean on.

I just might have a problem that you'll understand.

We all need somebody to lean on.

Lean on me when you't not strong, and I'll be your friend.

I'll help you carry on, for it won't be long 'til I'm gonna' need somebody to lean on.

You just call on me brother if you need a friend.

We all need somebody to lean on.

I just might have a problem that you'll understand.

We all need somebody to lean on.

If there is a load you have to bear that you can't carry.

I'm right up the road, I'll share your load if you just call me.

I know I'm cheesy but this is the perfect song.

I love you guys.

Love and strength and furry little kittens,

Doris

Re: I love you guys
Posted by jes on Wed Sep 5 13:35:13 2001 (#853)

i really like that song, it's so, i dunno, wot tha word? comforting maybe? but it makesme cry, so im sorry if this has mistakes, but im typing thru teas. i wish someone would sing that to me. or i wish i could sing that to someone and they'd believe me. sorry, it it a great song tho'. and it would make me smile if i was in a better mood. love jes xx

none
Posted by elle on Wed Sep 5 00:50:57 2001 (#848)

hey, Alana, I really hope you are ok. Please let me know. and doris i really liked that.

well, i got a job today. 40 hours a week, and every other weekend. i work for an animal hospital. pretty cool.

thats it. i painted my nails blue today. i have an obsession with picking all my nail polish off so it will prolly be gone by the end of the day.

ok, now i am gonna go sit in a corner and sing to myself...

winnie dah pooh, winnie dah pooh, dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dah, winnie dah pooh....yeah whatever. i am a fuck

Re: none
Posted by Doris on Thu Sep 6 02:11:31 2001 (#855)

elle,

Congratulations on your job! That sounds really cool, AND you'll be rackin in the bucks! I pick off my nail polish too. It only stays for a day or so. Then, my nails are this gross yellow when I pick it off. Anyway, that's probably more than you wanted to know. :) Congratulations again.

Love and strength and furry little kittens,

Doris

Undetermined
Posted by BloodyWristGirl on Wed Sep 5 02:37:08 2001 (#849)

Undetermined

I cant make you happy But I can make myself Nothing I do seem to make Things right And I know I cant come to you for help My empty mindless soul is starving for love And I cant see you when I think Of it Blocked behind my unspiritual thoughts Im still stuck with you I can not have a life Without you monitoring every breath or heartless move Im not a fucking kid Only when im alone with you Do I want to rip my very own beating heart out of my own fucking chest My liquidized brain you seem to have taken over Controlling my every fucking thought Makes me want to reach over the table And make you see what its like to have someone chew on your heart

Re: Undetermined
Posted by Doris on Thu Sep 6 02:13:23 2001 (#856)

Wow. You're a beautiful writer. That was very powerful. If I weren't at work right now I'd probably be crying. Thanks for sharing - I really liked that.

Love and strength and furry little kittens,

Doris

medication isn't helping, i fear the end
Posted by *suicidalbec* on Wed Sep 5 04:45:22 2001 (#850)

what can one possibly do to end one's pain and hurt in life...i got told to go on medication for major depression. i've tried it for months...

i feel nothing can help for...i think it is to late for me now.

i feel suicide is the only option.. and yes, i have a counsellor. she can't help me either.

i can't live...i can't die for i am in love.

i feel trapped, i feel afraid for soon i might just kill myself even though i am loved...

suicide has to be the only option...

if anyone can think of anything i can do... please let me know...

thankyou... love bec.

Re: medication isn't helping, i fear the end
Posted by Doris on Thu Sep 6 02:15:36 2001 (#857)

I would focus on the love in your life as a reason for living. Hold on to that for now and when other reasons come up, add them to your list. Once, when I was feeling very suicidal, I made a "Reasons to Live" page in my journal. I put in there pictures of all the people that love me. Try that. Focus on that and things will come into place. I truly believe that. Good luck.

Love and strength and furry little kittens,

Doris

Alana
Posted by Doris on Thu Sep 6 02:18:20 2001 (#858)

Honey, I have a confession to make. I read your "I miss him" post on the SI board. I was wondering who you were referring to. Feel absolutely free not to tell me. I was just wondering if it was Colin. I could be very very wrong but that's what it sounded like to me. Please don't be offended, I'm just curious. Please feel free not to tell me. Love you, hun.

Love and strength and furry little kittens,

Doris

Re: Alana
Posted by Alana on Thu Sep 6 03:19:14 2001 (#859)

It was him. I miss him.

Re: Alana
Posted by Doris on Thu Sep 6 19:11:16 2001 (#860)

I'm sorry, honey. I know what it's like to miss someone that hurt you so badly. I've tried many times to reconnect with old friends that hurt me horribly. But, they didn't want to have anything to do with me. I know it hurts. If you ask me, he doesn't hate you. He doesn't know how to hate. Stay strong, hun.

Love and strength and fuzzy warm memories,

Doris

Re: Alana
Posted by Alana on Fri Sep 7 03:29:04 2001 (#861)

I hate how I feel about him. I wish I could just forget about everything.

Re: Alana
Posted by Doris on Sat Sep 8 22:10:02 2001 (#870)

I know exactly how that is. I'm so sorry. Maybe you need some kind of closure with him. Just to be able to say to him, "You really hurt me, but I don't hate you. I don't want you to hate me. Let's just clear the slate and see what happens from here."

I don't know, maybe I'm being naive. Maybe you could say, "I don't hate you, I never did. But, you did hurt me and I don't want that to happen again. So maybe we should go our separate ways." I said that to someone once and it didn't go so well. But, he was not as forgiving as [I think] Colin is. I just want you to be free of this pain. Stay strong, hun. Love you tons.

love and strength and fuzzy warm memories,

Doris

Puking works
Posted by Alana on Fri Sep 7 04:49:12 2001 (#862)

I haven't cut through all the stress of starting school, and having to take on 10 courses this year as opposed to all my peers taking about 6. I am determined to graduate with all my friends. I know I can do it. I'm strong. So I've noticed the past few days, when I don't cut, I get so overwhelmed and lost that I end up throwing up. It works, cuz you feel much better afterwards. Release. Literally.

Alana

Re: Puking works..clear that up
Posted by Alana on Fri Sep 7 04:58:56 2001 (#863)

by the way, I'm not bulimic, this is uncontrollable upchuck. So you guys can't really talk down to me about it.

it works. That's all I have to say.

Alana

Nobody is ever here
Posted by Alana on Sat Sep 8 03:13:55 2001 (#866)

Well it's true.

Re: Nobody is ever here
Posted by Doris on Sat Sep 8 22:03:33 2001 (#868)

I'm sorry, hun. I've been extremely busy will school and work and stuff. Email me anytime and I'll get back to you ASAP... if you want to talk. Love you!

Love and strength and fuzzy warm memories,

Doris

hey everyone!!
Posted by heather on Sat Sep 8 16:31:34 2001 (#867)

Hey everyone that knows me!!! im so much better!!! i havent been cutting and i have gottan help!!! but i dont wanna talk about that..those are times i just wanna forget! i just missed you guys so much!!! well anyways i just thought i would tell you i can smile now and really trully meen it!!! i thank god for his love that helped me through this know i want to thank you for your love that helped me when i needed it most!!! i love you all and hope you will be ok!!!! well i gotta go luv ya all!! hey doris..thank you for being my friend and loveing me!!!! your kind words ment so much to me!! i love you..buh bye!!

Re: hey everyone!!
Posted by Doris on Sat Sep 8 22:06:06 2001 (#869)

Oh, Heather, I'm SO happy for you! I know what you mean, it was God's love that helped me SO much in my time of need! Heather, no words can explain how happy I am for you. I'm almost in tears. Thank you for posting. It's so good to hear from you. Just keep it up, hun! I know you can! Love you tons.

love and strength and fuzzy warm memories,

Doris

my pathetic story
Posted by Doris on Sat Sep 8 22:18:36 2001 (#871)

Okay, so I HATE taking pills. And I've been on pills for depression for as long as I can remember. The fact that I take them makes me miserable! So they completely defeat their purpose. Really the only causes of stress in my life were my pills and my counseling. Mainly because my old doc diagnosed me with a "full remition" a while ago. I was frustrated that I still took the meds and still went to counseling if I didn't need to anymore!

So about a month ago I went up to my mother and said, "I'm never going to take pills again [for depression] and I'm never going to go to another counselor for the rest of my life." She was pissed and was two seconds away from calling my pyschiatrist to get me locked away. But, I told her that NOTHING could change my mind and that if she wasn't behind me then I'd flush all my pills and blow off every doc appointment. So, after a LOT of convincing, she was okay with it.

But now... I don't feel so good. I'm living with my boyfriend and should be really happy. But I cry all the time for no reason at all. I never feel satisfied. I overreact to everything. I made macaroni and cheese the other day, forgetting that we didn't have butter or milk. I burst out crying!

Maybe I do have some kind of emotional disorder. Who gives a f*ck? Everyone is sad in their lives some time. So I go through my life with a few more tears.... so what?

Okay, I'm done. Sorry for this rant. I just felt the need to tell you guys.

Love to my sisters.

doris

Re: my pathetic story
Posted by ...VäMpyRë§s... on Sat Nov 24 17:07:06 2001 (#1054)

hey sweetheart Sounds just like me, I burst out crying for silly reasons too, I went to get a drink the other day and realised that all the glasses were in the dishwasher.. I just cryed and cryed... stupid huh?.. I dont know whats wrong with me, no one helps, Im morbid, depressed, angry, angry that no one can help me, depressed cause of the way I feel and issues in my life, morbid?.. I am obsessed with the dark side. I dont fu*king know, anyway take care Love, Roses and Empathy...

...VäMpyRë§s...