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Threads 201 to 225

i'll be dead tomorrow!!!!
Posted by Heather mcdoald on Tue Aug 7 01:27:52 2001 (#723)

help me please..i cry inside!! this feeling is more than sadness and more than anger im lost inside i need help..i cut my arm and let it bleed..why stop it..just so i can do it again tomorrow. my life is sliping away i know i'll kill myself i know i will there is nothing i can do!!! if you dont help me today i'll be dead tomorrow!!!!!!! so please just help me if you can so i wont die alone!

Re: i'll be dead tomorrow!!!!
Posted by jes on Tue Aug 7 02:31:16 2001 (#724)

I dont know if i can help as such i just know that the way u are feeling now is he way most of have or still do feel, so please, if u can, try to let it all out on this. I know its hard to do it and it sounds stupid, but when i write things im feeling down, it seems to help, even if it is only a bit. please knw thatur not alone and that people here will always be willing to lend an ear (or should it be eye??) love jes

Lost my life
Posted by heather on Tue Aug 7 07:05:50 2001 (#726)

that night was the night I became so alone tears ran down my face as I hung up the phone my friend just told me the horrible news that caused my heart to brake and bruise the only one that I loved hurt me so he cheated on me then let he let me go that was the night I lost my life that was the night I took out the knife and cut my wrist untill it bled I cried in pain as i fell on my bed "Im so alone!" I screamed out crying it hurt so bad I thought I was dying the pain i feel inside is true please help me now..im begging you!!!

its me again
Posted by heather on Tue Aug 7 10:40:35 2001 (#727)

look i have gone through and read most of your post and im afraid my problem is dif. see i have a disorder..that makes my emotions unbalanced and i really need med.but im so afraid of myself i cant stand to even think about telling my mom. so it looks like im gonna either keep cutting or just end up killing myself..i have been this way since i was 12 and im 15 now im alone and scared to death of knowing im gonna end up killing myself. im crying at the moment cuz this is the most i have ever been able to explain to ANYONE i really wanna stop sliceing my wrist but i cant!!!!its almost like punishing myself. some poeple at school say i do it cuz i want attention. dude if i wanted their fucking attetion i sure as hell wouldnt cut the shit out of my arm just for them. ya know! well i gotta go please someone have a heart and try to understand me and care for me i really need it right now!! heather

Re: its me again
Posted by black rose on Tue Aug 7 18:23:40 2001 (#728)

everyone at my school thinks I'm cutting for attention...they call me "Slice'n'Dice"...but for all they know they can go F*ck themselves! Please don't kill urself...if u think u r or ne thing like that please try to contact me and I'll do as best I can to try to help! k? I get what u mean by doing it to punish urself...I do that to...I think alot of ppl do! my emotions can sometimes bounce off the walls also...it's not toOo bad! I told someone at school though what was going on w/my cutting and they called my parents (something I didn't want) so now I'm on meds and seeing a therapist....fun fun! well ne ways e-mail me when u have a chance! *hugs* Christine take care of urself!

Heather...
Posted by Doris on Tue Aug 7 22:01:02 2001 (#730)

Hi Heather

Welcome to the board. Your posts have really touched me. First of all... my emotions go crazy too. At first they called it a 'mood disorder' then eventually ' major depression disorder with pyschotic symptoms'. Please don't let my crazy diagnosis turn you off... :). I'm a manic depressive. I love my family one second and hate them the next. I'm happy one second and I'm wanting to cut the next. My emotions are so unpredictable that it drives me insane. It's such a horrible... frustrating life. I've been on meds for years and they are starting to lose their effect.

PLEASE don't feel alone... you may have a different situation than some people here but everyone here wants to feel loved... wants to feel like they're not alone.. wants someone to listen. By posting here you are my friend and I love you. If you left us I would feel a deep emptiness in my heart. I don't want to lose a friend... please don't go. Life sucks sometimes but it can surprise you. Six months ago I was ready to kill myself and then I found my soulmate who is now my fiance. You NEVER know what life has to offer... please don't destroy your possibilities.

Sorry this post is so long.. I'm hoping that at least one word of it will make you think twice. PLEASE don't leave us... keep on posting - we can help! Release your emotions here and not on yourself!

love and strength,

Doris

thank you doris!!!!
Posted by heather on Tue Aug 7 22:30:20 2001 (#731)

my god that is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me..you have brought me to tears. but this time its not cuz im scared or alone its cuz i feel like someone really cares. thank you doris. you are trully a great person and i am very touched to have your love and care..thank you with all of my heart...im not saying ill stop cutting..but in time with the help you i may atleast lose the feeling of killing meself..well anyways i just wanted you to know im happy you care..with love heather

Re: thank you doris!!!!
Posted by Doris on Wed Aug 8 01:21:54 2001 (#732)

Oh, Heather, I'm so happy! Thank you for taking what I said to heart... you could have as easily just ignored me but you didn't and that is a testament to your strength. I'm so happy to hear that you've thought twice. Please keep on posting, we'd love to hear how you're doing!

Love and strength,

Doris

PS - feel free to email me anytime!

Gods arms are always open for you!!
Posted by heather on Wed Aug 8 02:21:29 2001 (#733)

I woke up this morning to the sounds of screaming. I then saw that my bed was covered in blood. I turned to my door and saw my mom standing screaming and crying my, dad held her up, he to was crying. I wanted to ask my mom whats wrong! What happened! But the words wouldnt come out of my mouth.So instead I began to walk to her to hug her..but a hand grabbed me and pulled me back. I tried to fight them and walk to my mom but they were too strong. So I turned to see who was holding me back. My body became overwhelmed with shock, as I looked into the careing eyes of an angel. Her blond hair fell to her waist, here blue eyes sparkled with happiness, and her soft white skin was glowing. As we began to float upward I looked down at my mom..still standing in the same spot she was crying harder now. But this time I saw what she was crying about. On my bed curled into a small ball was me. My small thin body was twisted in a way that sent chills up my spine. Blood was everywhere around me. A knife covered in blood was in my right hand. I couldnt stand looking at the horrible sight anymore and turned away. Tears fell from my eyes as the angel gently pulled close to her, and told me in a small soft voice "No matter what you did God's loveing arms are still wide open for you to fall into." Written with love, heather

Re: Gods arms are always open for you!!
Posted by black rose on Wed Aug 8 02:25:55 2001 (#734)

OMG...I dunno what to say! did u write that or did u get it somewhere? jw! e-mail me! *hugs* Christine

Re: Gods arms are always open for you!!
Posted by heather on Wed Aug 8 02:33:41 2001 (#735)

I wrote that this morning and thought it would be nice to post. Well anyways im gonna go now..signed with love..heather

i cant fucking take it anymore just let me die God
Posted by heather on Wed Aug 8 07:12:30 2001 (#736)

Is there a reason why God hates me so damn mush? I mean for crying out loud i havent gottan anything good in my life..atleast that didnt lead to cutting. I really am a good person..so i really dont understand why god dosnt give me what i deserve!!!!!!!!!! This shit sucks..I hate me!! I ahte my mom..I hate life!!! you know what this isnt helping. im gonna go now you know so i can cut and maybe now that im home alone i can finally end it all!! with none here to help me or stop me i will finally be able toleave this shit hole of a world!!!! good bye, heather

Re: i cant fucking take it anymore just let me die
Posted by Doris on Wed Aug 8 08:31:36 2001 (#737)

Heather, honey...

You're scaring me. First, about your post before - God is forgiving and loving but He is also just and He does not accept people who commit suicide into His kingdom.

God does not hate you. I'm going to sound like a crazy Bible-thumper here but everything bad that happens to you happens because of the Devil. God wants to embrace you in His arms but the arms of the Devil are too strong. Here's a tip... if you truly believe in Him... say the name of the Lord if you feel the need to cut. The Devil can not exist where the name of the Lord is spoken.

You probably think I'm crazy, but your posts really affected me. You better not leave us... you do deserve happiness, I know you do. And I can't tell you why you don't have it. But please have faith that it will come someday. Please don't leave.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: i cant fucking take it anymore just let me die
Posted by black rose on Wed Aug 8 21:45:18 2001 (#739)

HEATHER!!! please don't leave...u can get thru this! please!!!! u do deserve happiness....it comes for us all...but it doesn't come right away! I'm sure ur time of happiness will come...and when it does all the waiting will be worth it all!

i just wish this would all stop
Posted by heather on Wed Aug 8 08:41:09 2001 (#738)

doris thank you for being a kind and careing person..i really wish that this horrible feeling of pain and aloness would go away but i have been wishing that for two years now and i dont think its gonna get better.i just wish i could smile and meen it ya know..it really hurts inside to know i have to force a smile. i just dont understand why im like this!!! the reason i got so upset earlier is b/c my mom said i couldnt go on a date so i ran to my room and cut myself again..well she walked in and started yelling so i got up and got pissed and screamed at her..i had forgottan to cover my cuts so when she saw them she grabed me by my cut wrist and shoved me into the wall and i cried out in pain then she said that if i ever talk to her like that again she'll do the cutting for me!!! i hate her she dosnt understand!!she just thinks its a stupid stage im going through!! i just wish i had someone to love me!!!

Re: i just wish this would all stop
Posted by Doris on Wed Aug 8 22:31:33 2001 (#740)

Heather, we love you. Family can be really horrible sometimes but there is always someone to love you. Everyone here loves you and is pulling for you to get better. Please try to ignore your mom... she's probably going through some rough times in her life so she takes it out on you - just my opinion. I know what it's like to force a smile, but it will happen! You will be happy one day, I truly believe that. Just be strong and it will happen.

Love and strength,

Doris

doris
Posted by heather on Thu Aug 9 02:33:14 2001 (#741)

thank you!! i dont know what it is about you but every time i read what you write to me i get tears in my eyes!! thanks for your love and care..heather*~*

my lost angel with wings
Posted by heather on Thu Aug 9 18:22:58 2001 (#745)

What happened to my angel with wings. you promised!!! You promised you would never do that to me!! you hurt me! you left me here alone. you left me screaming inside!! the cutting is all i have and you know that! yet still you judge me!! i hate the way you judge me!! you say im stupid for what i do to myself. well you are stupid for not understanding my pain! im hurting inside..im hurting everywhere!! im just so lost my feelings are so overwhelming to me!! all i wanted was for you to understand why i cry every night!! but you dont!! you said....you promised you would never do this to me!! I thought you were my angel with wings!! i thought you loved me!! i scream every night just to be held..all i ever wanted was to be held and told that im loved!!not you not my mom not even my friends ever did that for me!! and yet you still have the nerve to ask why!?!? why do you cut heather? why? i'll tell you why! its cuz i was never loved..im always alone! im always sad!!!! the blood is just my way out. i hope inside that i'll soon get the nerve to end it all! but wait..let me ask you something my angel with wings...who are you really? thats when i saw my angel with wings was me..the way i was as a kid..so happy so careing..its been so long since i was her that i had forgotten about her. "Im drowning inside in the tears I've cried." written with love by heather*

Re: my lost angel with wings
Posted by Doris on Thu Aug 9 21:16:03 2001 (#746)

Wow, Heather. That was very powerful. I'm pretty much speechless right now but I just wanted to say one thing. You are not alone. I know deep down inside there is a part of you that knows that. Please just stay strong for the people that love you - everyone here on this board. Stay safe, hun.

Love and strength,

Doris

PS - thank you for that message earlier. that's really sweet :)

i am so happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by heather on Thu Aug 9 21:55:50 2001 (#748)

OMG!!!!! you will not belive this but i can smile!!! i dont know what happened but i just got this good feeling..im happy!! can you belive it! for the first time in forever im happy..i know it wont last for long but im just happy i have it!! with love, heather*

people brother
Posted by AngelofMercy on Sat Aug 11 14:46:28 2001 (#749)

To all those who may of been concerned or curious to the wherabouts of PeopleBrother(BrotherMuddled) well he suffered a few setbacks and will be offline for a while.I have partly taken over his website and am trying to contact everybody I think he knows...Pass on this message please if you know of other boards or ppl he wrote to thankyou for your time.

Re: people brother
Posted by black rose on Fri Aug 17 17:07:48 2001 (#755)

what happened???? is he ok??? what's going on???please tell me!!!

Waves of Tears
Posted by heather on Wed Aug 15 06:17:11 2001 (#750)

Waves Of Tears Im lost in the waves of the tears I've cried. Nothings working no matter how hard I try.

I close my eyes and see us together, why couldnt that night last forever.

His arms wrapped tightly around my waist, his lips so close I can almost taste.

But deep in my heart is pain and sorrow, I'm so afraid of the coming tomorrow.

cause my friend will call me on the phone, to tell me that she is so alone.

And it hurts inside to know its my fault, that night at church I began my assault.

I didnt know it then but there was a plan, to give us a test me and my friend.

But there's no way to hide my feelings for him, I guess today I better learn to swim, cause

Im lost in the waves of the tears I've cried, nothing working no matter how hard I try.

Written With Love By Heather*~*

Re: Waves of Tears
Posted by Doris on Fri Aug 17 08:43:58 2001 (#752)

Absolutely beautiful, Heather. :)

faster - Manic Street Preachers
Posted by andy on Thu Aug 16 02:18:36 2001 (#751)

This helps me when i feel bad have a read

I hate purity, hate goodness I don't want virtue to exist anywhere I want everyone corrupt

I am an architect, they call me a butcher I am a pioneer, they call me primitive I am purity, they call me perverted Holding you but I only miss these things when they leave

I am idiot drug hive, the virgin, the tattered and the torn Life is for the cold made warm and they are just lizards Self-disgust is self-obsession honey and I do as I please A morality obedient only to the cleansed repented

I am stronger than Mensa, Miller and Mailer I spat out Plath and Pinter I am all the things that you regret A truth that washes that learnt how to spell

The first time you see yourself naked you cry Soft skin now acne, foul breath, so broken He loves me truly this mute solitude I'm draining I know I believe in nothing but it is my nothing

Sleep can't hide the thoughts splitting through my mind Shadows aren't clean, false mirrors, too many people awake If you stand up like a nail then you will be knocked down I've been too honest with myself I should have lied like everybody else

I am stronger than Mensa, Miller and Mailer I spat out Plath and Pinter I am all the things that you regret A truth that washes that learnt how to spell, learnt to spell

So damn easy to cave in, man kills everything So damn easy to cave in, man kills everything So damn easy to cave in, man kills everything So damn easy to cave in, man kills everything Richey Edwards

a question
Posted by Doris on Fri Aug 17 09:02:14 2001 (#753)

Does anyone know if depression and/or suicidal thoughts and stuff are hereditary? Will my kids be depressed? God, I hope not. I just wanted to know if anyone knew for sure. Any input would be appreciated. Thanks guys.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: a question
Posted by black rose on Fri Aug 17 17:04:07 2001 (#754)

umm...my psychiatrist told me that if a kid grows up around a depressed family member or if there is a history of depression in the family that the kid is exposed to they have a chance of being depressed...although alot of ppl r depressed it could be for a different reason! they'd just have to be exposed to some sort of depression...that doesn't mean that they'll nessecarily (i can't spell) cut...but they will feel depressed! (something like that ne ways) *hugs* Christine

Re: a question
Posted by onlylivingboyinnewyork on Sat Aug 18 01:50:14 2001 (#756)

i don't know if it is true but my mother is depressed and i have a depressed cousion who cuts himself (my mother dosen't) so i don't know exactly and i don't know if this will help in the slightest

Re: a question
Posted by Doris on Sat Aug 18 05:14:04 2001 (#757)

Thanks guys, that does help. Something to think about, anyway. Seriously, thanks for humoring me.

love and strength,

Doris

Re: a question
Posted by Alana on Sun Aug 19 03:00:05 2001 (#762)

I believe they are. Suicide - no, but depression - oh ya baby

poem
Posted by brotherm on Sat Aug 18 21:58:56 2001 (#759)

i wanna die but some force wont let me im scared the living disease might infect me i wanna scream but theres nobody to hear im scared but i dont know what causes the fear

Re: poem
Posted by black rose on Sun Aug 19 00:31:08 2001 (#760)

scream...just scream!!let it all out...let everything out...u'll feel much better! talk to me I'm here!! *hugs*

Re: poem
Posted by Alana on Sun Aug 19 03:06:48 2001 (#763)

awwww rae, are you ok? How come you don't talk to me anymore. You just kinda disappeared, without a reason. If you scream I'll hear you. Don't worry, I'm here for you. So is everyone else.

~Alana~

Re: poem
Posted by brotherm on Sun Aug 19 03:40:37 2001 (#764)

i kinda fell off the planet for a while but i'm back now (i think) take care both of you

Brotherm
Posted by black rose on Sun Aug 19 19:59:41 2001 (#766)

I was just wondering y I can't send u an e-mail! that's it...cuz I was trying and it wont send or ne thing! *hugs* Christine

Re: Brotherm
Posted by brotherm on Sun Aug 19 21:47:10 2001 (#767)

I don't know why try my other address e56uk@yahoo.co.uk...:)

That's right baby, I'm back!
Posted by Alana on Sun Aug 19 02:04:08 2001 (#761)

Hey chica's and chico's, how's it going. Not too great I gather. I mean this is the suicide board. I'm just letting everyone know that I'm doing ok. I haven't been feeling suicidal in a long time. I'm still cutting myself, but very rare, and all and all they are just scratches. Not too bad. Recently my parents have seperated, so I've been kinda upset about that, but nothing unusual. I've found the right meds for me, that work believe it or not. I'm feeling SUPERB! Hahaha, I'm a geek. I'm just writing all this to bring hope to this board. Anyone who knew me before (doris, barbara, julia), know that I was a hopeless case. I attempted suicide 9 times in 2 months. The doctors told me that I was going to die. But I"m still here and I'm kicking my depression in the ass. So everyone who feels that they can't go on anymore....snap out of it. It'll pass. Mine did, I never thought the day would come, but its getting better every fuckin day biotch!

Love and Light, Alana

Re: That's right baby, I'm back!
Posted by Doris on Sun Aug 19 07:30:18 2001 (#765)

Alana, honey, you're the best. You give us all so much hope. I could not be happier that you are doing well. I still worry about you, but it means so much to me that you're doing okay. Please keep it up! Love you, hun!

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: That's right baby, I'm back!
Posted by brotherm on Tue Aug 21 01:54:38 2001 (#769)

I'm glad things are looking good for you about time somebody here got some happiness. take care....

hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Heather on Mon Aug 20 23:36:00 2001 (#768)

Hey evryone that knows me..and hey doris..missed ya's!! Im haveing a good week im happy..but i think its going away..yesterday i could feel my sadness creeping back. but oh well im ok..well sorry but i gotta go..im sure you really care..later's

luv ya's..all of you even if i dont know you

Re: hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by heather on Tue Aug 21 03:41:31 2001 (#770)

Hehe i forgot to mention..i have finally got control of my cutting..im on meds but its not helping much, now im just reminding myself when ever i get the urge to cut about my life ahead of me..the beautiful baby i hope to have the happines that will soon come..the smiles i wont have to force..and then i think of you guys and the hope you give me to live..thank you so much..im crying right now if that tells you how much i trully care about you!!! I am sooo happy..this guy i have been talking to for so long told me that even with my scars i was the most perfect girl..the most beautiful girl not only b/c of my face but b/c of..well b/c im me...he said i am so easy to talk to that i dont judge people so much..that he loves the way i can care for anyone and thats true i may not know many of you but i know your hurting and thats why i care for you ;) so keep smileing and keep giving me the hope i need and ill give you hope!!

luv ya's..heather*

:)
Posted by Doris on Tue Aug 21 05:17:43 2001 (#771)

Heather, that post was so inspirational. I'm so happy that you've taken control. I loved what you said about thinking about the future and letting that drive you instead of the sadness. Hey, just a thought - maybe you need a higher dosage of your meds.. I had to up mine a couple times when they didn't work. Just a thought. Anyway, thanks for the message! We love you!! Keep it up, Heather.. we're all rooting for you!

Love and strength,

Doris

alcohol, drugs, sex, starvation, blood,razorblades
Posted by black rose on Tue Aug 21 17:41:28 2001 (#776)

these r the things that make me forget all the bad memories, keep me alive, let me be perfect, and give me relief in their own special way...and I can't let go of ne of them! *hugs*

Re: alcohol, drugs, sex, starvation, blood,razorbl
Posted by Doris on Tue Aug 21 20:34:00 2001 (#778)

Honey, keep the hope alive. I love you.

Doris

Re: alcohol, drugs, sex, starvation, blood,razorbl
Posted by Alana on Wed Aug 22 08:24:34 2001 (#783)

Those are all my things as well! Well all that but the sex. Kinda....anyways. Hey christine do you remember me at all? I remember you.

Re: alcohol, drugs, sex, starvation, blood,razorbl
Posted by black rose on Wed Aug 22 17:40:01 2001 (#784)

I remember u! :o)

Fear of Being Alone...
Posted by heather on Wed Aug 22 00:50:44 2001 (#779)

Fear of Being Alone....

His voice still leanguers in my mind..that one soft whisper, telling me his love for me is true and more than can explained. His smile was so sweet, he took my hand and with one small tear he told me what happened. His hand shaking in mine. I was afraid of what was to be said next. He gently brushed away his tears... "Heather..." he started then hesitated. "She came back, for me, I meen." Terrified that he might be talking about the one person that had the power to split us apart I asked who. He turned his head to hide the tears that fell. "My mom." He said, this time it was me that turned my head to hide my tears. She had moved away when he was a baby and had said she would be back soon to get him if he wanted. I knew he wanted so badlly to be with her..but it was just too hard for me to let go. So many times I had been hurt...so many times.Fear overwhelmed my body again. I was so terrified I was shaking. He cried as he pulled me close to hold me. There we stood not talking yet I was still able to know what he was thinking..and he to knew what I was thinking. We held each other tightly as we criend together. I pushed away and asked when he was leaving. "Tomorrow..she wants to leave as soon as possible." I bit my lip to try to keep from crying more. But it didn't help. All I could see was red..blood. All I could feel was pain. All I could feel was my heart being ripped away. He said he had to go..that he still needed to pack. He pulled me close again and we kissed..only this kiss was different...it was so sweet. I could feel his pain through this one kiss. His pain of leaving..his fear of being alone. We stoped and hugged pulled together as close as possible. He then let go still holding my hand..tears falling from his soft blue eyes he walked away..he walked away from me. He left me. I covered my face with my hands and fell to my knees crying. Asking myself why? Why is it everytime I get happy I get hurt. Now I was left to deal with my own pain..my own fear of being alone again.

Writted with true love..Heather*~*

Re: Fear of Being Alone...
Posted by Doris on Wed Aug 22 07:45:10 2001 (#781)

Heather, you're a beautiful writer. Let me just tell you that long-distance relationships can work. My boyfriend and I are living proof of that. We live 600 miles away from each other. We met online and spent the first four months of our realtionship apart... visiting when we could. I'm just saying that it's not impossible. Save up your money, go visit him every now and then. Get a cheap calling card so your parents don't have to pay the long distance bill and email a lot. I don't know how old you are, but maybe you could go to college somewhere near him, or move out there some day. Please keep hope alive. It IS possible! :)

Love and strength,

Doris

PS - As long as your my friend you'll never be alone. :)

What the fuck is with Colin
Posted by Alana on Wed Aug 22 08:18:43 2001 (#782)

I can only write this here, because if I wrote it on self injury, he'd fucken well read it. Anyways (pardon my language) what the fuck is wrong with Colin? He seems to mess with peoples emotions so much that one post after months of not talking, can turn your world upside down. Well for me anyways. Ok, listen to this. The day he decided to post out of nowhere, I start cutting again and feeling like I want to fuckin day, and suzie OD's...I don't even know if suzie is alive, nobody has heard from her. What if she is dead?!? I don't think Colin has a fuckin clue what he has done to the "supposed" girls he loved. Well honestly, I don't think he ever gave a crap about me. Because the second he started talking to suzie, he dropped me so fast. I hate him for that. Shit guys, I'm sorry, I'm just really pissed off and upset right now, and I don't know how to deal with any of this. Why do I let him do this to me? Why can't I deal with my fucked up emotions? Why does suzie feel that she has to die? Why did I have to start cutting again? Why do I hate myself again?

Alana :^(

Re: What the fuck is with Colin
Posted by Doris on Wed Aug 22 23:44:51 2001 (#786)

Hey Alana

I'm not going to defend Colin because I don't know the whole story between you two. I just want to tell you that I have been hurt by SO many "friends" so I know how you feel. People "love" you and then drop you. People are selfish and unreliable (not referring to Colin specifically, just people). The only constant thing in this life is God. Rely on Him alone and you will never be hurt. When He closes a door He opens a window. Please stay strong and safe - we ALL love you here!

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: What the fuck is with Colin
Posted by dave/necrosis on Thu Aug 23 03:37:15 2001 (#788)

'God. Rely on him alone & you will never be hurt' I'm sorry Doris - I've spoken with you a few times & we got on fine, but that is such a woefully pathetic sentiment. I hate all this religious stuff as it is - but each to their own.

'Rely on god & never get hurt' is just an unbelievably crass statement. It's so damn patronising to Alana. I've spoken to her quite a bit & she's a lovely girl - worth a shit load more than Colin could ever afford her.

Colin is revered as some pseudo saint, it's about time people woke up to his conduct. I actually like the guy despite coming from such disparate poles. He's seemingly fucked with two vunerable minds to the extent one may be dead & Alana thought she could get by despite the trauma he dealt her & has fallen into an abyss of pain again.

Will you religious cronies just grow up & stop defiling your worth & concentrate on people as individuals with feelings. NO, you won't will you. You care more about appearing pious & subservient to a an unknown than you do about helping real people.

No-one could ever be more important to Colin than his supposed relationship with god. I'm sorry Doris - I'm not attacking you although it sounds that way, but I've snapped & you actually seem a nice person to me & I'd have no problem talking about this with you.

I remember when I 1st started conversing with Alana I was concerned as she seemed so angry & I thought maybe she'd turn on me. I got to know her & I'd be fucking livid if I lost her friendship. Everyone at the time believed Suzie was an angel - Suzie decided I was 'homophobic, racist, perverted & sick' - her words - no-one believed Alana for ages in all her angst

I'm saying that faith has NOTHING to do with being a good living human being. Colin is the messiah & look at the damage he's done. I don't for one minute believe it was intentional & he will be very distraught knowing I write this way.

No-one will stop hurting coz they believe in god or his son (highly debatable). It negates all responsibility. Only we can make things better - believe in god ok, but stop fucking preaching absolute shit coz there are a few of us about to blow - ok, so I have, but I hope few see this as it's a minority board

Incidentally, I have no problem at all in talking with you Doris, I don't dislike you at all- you just happened to be in the wrong place - it's Dawn Overcoming that has wound a few of us up. Believe what you will - that is your perogative.

I am incensed at the aftermath that Colin has left in the name of faith. I would NEVER have done that to either Alana or Suzie & neither would the rest of my mates. Religion can suck my cock as far as I'm concerned. & it better try fucking hard to pleasure me.

fuck - that's the most annoyed I've got online ever! - I was brought up church of England by the way - I prefer to live rather than believe. Life has so much more to offer as it happens prior to death.

ok - I mean no harm Doris - e-mail me ok. I'm fine with you, I don't want this stuff to go onto the self harm board but a few of us are in the blocks

take care Alana

xxxxxx

Re: What the fuck is with Colin
Posted by Doris on Thu Aug 23 08:44:28 2001 (#790)

Wow, that hurt. I mean that really hurt. The only reason I mentioned God to Alana is that she used to mention that she prayed and believed in God. So, I was trying to appeal to that part of her that believes. I was not trying to preach or anything. I would never say that to you, Dave, or anyone else that I KNOW doesn't believe. I was not preaching to Alana; I was relating to a fellow believer - or so I thought.

I don't know what else to say. I'll be out of town for a while so I don't think I can email you.

I'm sorry I appeared to be preaching, I was only trying to help.

Love you, Alana.

Love and strength,

Doris

hi doris!!!
Posted by heather on Wed Aug 22 23:07:34 2001 (#785)

Just thought I'd tell ya im 15. And writting is one of my fav things to do besides art. Well anyways just thought I'd tell ya that and also say hello!!

Luv Ya's heather*~*

Re: hi doris!!!
Posted by Doris on Wed Aug 22 23:46:47 2001 (#787)

Well, you're a beautiful writer! Keep it up! Writing poetry got me through some really rough times. I started to rely on writing as my release and not cutting. I hope you can do the same!

Love and strength,

Doris

oh, subject, er - above I guess
Posted by dave - Doris is actually nice!!! on Thu Aug 23 03:53:52 2001 (#789)

I just want to make sure everyone knows I don't hate Doris!!!! I don't, she's always been great with me. Since Dawn appeared the Christianity thing sky rocketed & it's been really nauseous to read the posts. Yes, you say, 'don't read the posts' - but there are so many doing it it's unavoidable & it's a self harm board, not a 'god will save us' board.

I suffer like the rest, I hear others allegiances & that's fine. It really has got silly though. Can we ease off on the god/jesus thing. Colin pointed out I was going to hell anyway when I was suicidal - I needn't comment

be strong

xx

Re: oh, subject, er - above I guess
Posted by Alana on Thu Aug 23 20:44:39 2001 (#793)

Yah he did the same to me dave. I'm supposedly going to hell. I told him that I was thinking about killing myself, and what did he say...not please Alana don't, I love you...but "you're going to hell"...this coming from the guy who would cut off his arms if he was bored enough. And I'm going to hell? Uhh nah, don't think so.

Thanks for the post dave, I'm glad that I have such a great friend

Doris I love you, you're too sweet.

???
Posted by Angelica on Thu Aug 23 19:15:49 2001 (#791)

Hi I'm new to this board. Used to come here a while back, but lost the url, just found it again. I'm not feeling so bad today, not particularly good, but not totally shit either. Anyway, just thought I'd say hi. Love 'n' blood soaked tears

can i just ask????
Posted by *~*Little Baby Nothing*~* on Thu Aug 23 20:26:45 2001 (#792)

does anybody else here find they are totally addicted to sex and stuff? i hear all the time uits because u crave love and u never got it, but my parents love me immesnely and im an only child so no jealousy.... im just addicted? im addicted to bein bad i guess, but its sexual activity mostly i crave, well, second to cigarettes? and i dont care if ur like too old/young to reply to this becuz i dont judge im sooooo in no position to!!! PLEZ REPLY i wanna know..... when im doing stuff, whether its full blown sex or just lil touches and kisses, its the only time i feel alive....

sorry!!! you gotta read this!!!
Posted by heather on Sat Aug 25 00:49:58 2001 (#797)

Last night i got really upset and cut REALLY deep and i also had a mental break down so i might be going to a mental hostpital. and my mom said i cant come to this page anymore..that it makes me worst so i just came to say goodbye..but that you will be in my heart and mind while im going thro this hard time and i also hope you guys do ok and dont get hurt. i really love you all...and wish i could stay here and talk more but i cant..so untill i get better i wont be here for a while but you can e-mail me..and please dont forget me!!!!!! love ya's, heather* oh and a special thanks to you doris!!! you have played a big part in my life..you have really helped me thro my hard times. thank you so much!! and i hope you stay happy..so i guess goodbye for now!!! love ya!!!

Re: sorry!!! you gotta read this!!!
Posted by Doris on Sat Aug 25 05:37:59 2001 (#798)

Oh, Heather, I'll be praying for you. I hope this hospital experience is a positive one in your life. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I'm sure your mom just doesn't know how to react to your behavior. She just wants the best for you and I hope that you can find the strength within you to help yourself heal. I love you and you will always be in my heart. You deserve the best - you are a truly beautiful person. God speed.

Love and strength,

Doris

leaving, bye........sorryx
Posted by dave/necrosis on Sat Aug 25 06:48:22 2001 (#799)

Just all got too much, yeah I'm drunk again coz I'm that pathetic. Right now I really wish I was dead, doesn;t matter where I go I seem to upset people.

I only want to be there for one person - my girlfriend Ruth. I don't post much at all, but I do IM people from this board a lot. Without her I wouldn't be here, literally.

I'm sorry, I intended to explain why it's too much, but I can't I'm too drunk & emotional. I really hurt Doris as I was extremely nasty - not towards her, but her beliefs, but that's the problem...the board is saturated with belief, if I stayed any longer I'd hurt more as I think religion is a disease that is too weak to kill those that have faith, but just strong enough to fuel their sin.

I never replied to people as I have too many self harming IMing friends & I already fail them in the sense I feel only utter disgust for myself right now. Fuck I feel useless. It's my fault Morbid Kitty felt they should voice their opinion about Colin, it's my fault all this shit has hurt people.

great, what a fabulous way to leave in admitting you incited hatred & dissention - I didn't post much - usually under a bizzare name, for reasons I shan't divulge I feel so fucking hurt & used I cna't type any m/....../././

thanks for listening anyone that ever read a post by me, even if you didn't know it was me.

Off to crawl into a big hole where noone can find me. I love you Ruth, I can't type while crying this much . I'm sorry, it happens everytime.. I'm s sorry.

why is everything so fucking painful????????!!!

someone kiss it better , feel like this many tears will ......haven;t cried so much since bagpipes were made legal

I apologise for everyhing, especially if it wans't my fault. pain,misery,sorrow,discomfort ,hurt........fuck me, I could do witha shag

bye xxxxxxx