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Threads 126 to 150

Poem
Posted by BloodyWrist Girl on Sat May 19 17:52:35 2001 (#441)

It seems like I can never do anything right With you always breathing down my fucking spine It seems like you make me think I fuck things up everyday And you think your always right When I try to block ugly voice from my head I feel like crap most of the time No one cares, they just pass on by No body hears me when I shout And they don’t care when I scream out loud They think im okay but im not They expect me to be happy but I cant I never have been The smile on my face is always a cover up From people hating me and how I am Im not okay and I wont be And people see these un-Godly scars on me And ask what they are from Its like a time bomb inside me that going off fast And when im not longer here People will second guess their opinions on me But that’s just me and I have fucked things up like usual I wish I could just go away And be gone forever… not looking back And never have this constant pain I wont blame anyone for this… Except for the people who have done this to me When I ask for help you don’t give any Its like your too ignorant to care When I am GONE you will wish you’d help me! WHY DON’T YOU CARE? WHY WONT YOU CARE??

Re: Poem
Posted by bARBARA on Sat May 19 19:08:15 2001 (#443)

You say something about voices in your head. I have those too. I think it's because of them that I'm too afraid to have friends or to be able to be touched. They're a constant thought that it's my fault and I'm guilty, that I must've done something unmoral if this is happening to me...that people would accuse me and laugh at me. Familiar that to anyone?

Re: Poem
Posted by insignificant other on Sat May 19 21:20:51 2001 (#445)

BloodyWrist Girl: i bend my knee in acknowledgement, your peom describes the exct way i fell, but none of my emotions can ever from themselves into words like those. keep writing, its a good form of escape.

bARBARA: yes, i get little voices too, except sometimes they're so fucking loud and powerful that i mentally have to cral into a corner to try and get rid of them. they control everything, and i;ve just given up trying to fight them, they're doing a better job at running my life that i did. i give up with evrything. it's just not worth it anymore.

Re: Poem
Posted by Doris on Fri May 25 04:11:51 2001 (#462)

I loved your poem. Thanks so much for sharing.

SpAnKs MuCh
Posted by BloodyWristGirl on Sat May 19 23:54:35 2001 (#446)

Spanks much isignificant other......i have 2 floppy disk filled with poems like that.....that is how i try to escape...bARBARA i dont really have voices but i have alot of pent ou emotins that are finally escaping....

Re: SpAnKs MuCh
Posted by Bloody Wris....... on Sun May 20 03:20:03 2001 (#447)

i spelled "up" and "emotions" wrong

Re: SpAnKs MuCh
Posted by bARBARA on Sun May 20 19:03:07 2001 (#448)

thanx for telling us :)

Re: SpAnKs MuCh
Posted by BloodyWristGirl on Sun May 20 23:31:54 2001 (#449)

Welcome....so uhh...how is evertone feeling today? i feel better than i ever have for a long time..i dont think i have felt as good as i do right now...k well uhhh love you all!

Re: SpAnKs MuCh
Posted by bARBARA on Wed May 23 21:55:57 2001 (#455)

SEIZE THE FEELING!!!

Re: SpAnKs MuCh
Posted by Doris on Fri May 25 04:04:46 2001 (#459)

I write poetry to escape too. It used to be to escape from suicidal feelings and wanting to cut myself, now I just use it to escape from stress.

tons of love

Doris

wibble wobble......here we go again..
Posted by girl on Mon May 21 23:38:31 2001 (#450)

wibble wobble jelly on a plate, wibble wobble another big mistake, wibble wobble what a life to take, wibble wobble oh well 1 less burden to take, wibble wobble wibble wobble jelly on the concrete.

how did they get here?this self loathing this fatigue and everything. how did they find me i changed my address covered the scars but still the demons come tippy toed till im under agin here we go stupid stupid stupid girl dont cry naughty. girl.

Life Sucks!!!
Posted by Abberdon on Tue May 22 13:03:56 2001 (#451)

I don't about the rest of you but my life has sucked for the past 2 years.

You ask me why... Well It is school and my family is getting a divorce. Talk to ya later.

I DO WHAT THE VOICES IN MY HEAD TELL ME!!!

DEATH IS ONLY THE BEGINNING!

Re: Life Sucks!!!
Posted by bloodwristgirl on Tue May 22 19:12:59 2001 (#452)

well.....life sucks completly all together...im sorry you hate life...so do i ...but i have realized if i wasnt here alot of people would be sad and shit...and i myself have realized that killing yourself is selfish..i know suicide is the easy way out but it is also a super bad way out...you let the world beat you in its games if you kill yourself...gotta be strong...try and cope...i know its hard but ya gotta do it, there are a lot of people willing to help..such as me...jsut TRY and make the best out of this awful life..i myself am trying...bye Love *Me*

Re: Life Sucks!!!
Posted by Tara on Tue May 22 19:54:01 2001 (#453)

don't do this,PLEASE.you do have something to live for and that is us.we all love you and care about you very much.we understand what you are going through.Please talk to us.don't lisen to the voices in your head.we are here for you.PLEASE,PLEASE,PLEASE e-mail meand tell me what is going on.

LOVE YOUR FRIEND,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

Re: Life Sucks!!!
Posted by bARBARA on Wed May 23 22:01:31 2001 (#456)

Hey Tara, love your surname. Very tasty!

Re: Life Sucks!!!
Posted by Findingapurpose on Sat May 26 01:24:58 2001 (#463)

Yeah u r right, life really does suck, and people always say that we should think of the ones we would leave behind if we kill ourselves. But tell me something, at what point do we start thinking about our own desires? yeah it will hurt others, but surely they would be happier to know we are at peace? Just something to think about.......................

Re: Life Sucks!!!
Posted by Doris on Wed May 30 03:25:55 2001 (#480)

Just one thought on that...

Many of my friends are Christian. So, they believe that if I were to kill myself that I would inevitably go to Hell. So, they would not believe in any way that I was at peace. And, as a Christian, I believe that as well - which is why I would never commit suicide (I can say that now, but several months ago I couldn't). Just a thought.

love and strength,

Doris

Re: Life Sucks!!!
Posted by Cutmyself on Tue May 29 13:31:01 2001 (#476)

My life sucks too!!!! I hurt myself since October 1999 with razorblades, knives, scissors. My class mobbed my. It was terrible!!!!!! I´m in a therapie now but I like to die!

nec
Posted by Alana is still with us on Wed May 23 01:45:12 2001 (#454)

Alana is still alive. She rang my mobile tonight for 5 mins,then we got cut off. Didn't get much & I don't know what I can say - so I'll just say things are very difficult for her right now but hopefully she'll ring again. My mobile decided not to recall the number

anyway - she's here

xxxxxx love to all

Re: nec
Posted by bARABRA on Wed May 23 22:11:19 2001 (#457)

she worries me

that makes me happy!!!!!
Posted by Tara on Fri May 25 01:13:34 2001 (#458)

i am so glad to hear that.i have been so worried about her.has she read my postes?hey barabra,e-mail me,ok.gotta go for now.be back tomorrow.

LOVE YOUR FRIEND,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

Re: nec
Posted by Doris on Fri May 25 04:08:01 2001 (#460)

If you get in touch with her again, tell her to email me. I'll be emailing her. Thanks for the info.

tons of love

Doris

Re: nec
Posted by bARBARA on Sun May 27 20:09:26 2001 (#465)

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey! Missed you.

Re: nec
Posted by Doris on Wed May 30 03:27:54 2001 (#481)

missed you too, hun

sorry for my absence
Posted by Doris on Fri May 25 04:10:45 2001 (#461)

Hi all,

The reason I haven't been around lately is the because I started a new school. I had to drive 600 miles, get here, move in, do ALL the paperwork, and everything. And my computer isn't even hooked up yet... this is my boyfriend's. Anyway, I'll be checking as much as possible.

bARBARA - I'm SO sorry I haven't been around. Never think that I would ditch you guys.

Well... I'm back and I'll be doing my best to respond to each post.

tons of love!

Doris

DDDOOORRRIIIIISSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by elle on Sun May 27 17:56:54 2001 (#464)

HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I missed you soo much hon. the SI board is just not the same without you. there are way too many new people who i dont really understand. i am so glad to see your name here. i was on this side of the fence to see if LOST or melissa posted anything. i fear they both might be gone. Lost left a note on the SI and then stopped posting. i am worried. and then melissa said she was going to join Lost. owell, they didnt post here. i hope whatever happened with them they will find peace and serenity either in life or death.

Re: DDDOOORRRIIIIISSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by *me* on Sun May 27 21:59:16 2001 (#467)

Whoa I never realized how many of the SIers posted here. I came on for the same reason as Elle. LOST is ok. I'm worried about Melissa. But she didn't post anything here, so.....

DORIS I'VE MISSED YOU!!!!! I know we never really became super close, but you were always there for me to give me advice or whatever. I really really admire you, more than words could ever say. I hope you're doing well. I wish you the best in everything you do.

Elle is right, there are soooo many new people. It's amazing to me to see how many people have come and gone in the short time I've been posting.

Stay strong, Doris. Lots of love.

elle & *me*
Posted by Doris on Tue May 29 02:48:00 2001 (#471)

Guys,

I missed you and I love you guys. I hope you understand why I left the SI board. I wanted to put that part of my life behind me. Here, however, I can give people advice without returning to that part of me - without being tempted to do anything. I hope you guys understand. I suggest you guys email Melissa if you're really concerned. That's another reason I left... I can't spend anymore sleepless nights worrying about people who haven't posted in a while. Here, people post once and either get the advice they need or go elsewhere for it - I don't worry if they're alive or not... I just pray.

Anyway, I don't want you guys to think I betrayed or ditched you in any way. PLEASE email me if you want to talk. Although my own computer is not hooked up yet here at school, I can use my bf's. So, please email if you want to talk, or just post here.

tons of love

Doris

doris
Posted by *me* on Tue May 29 03:04:15 2001 (#473)

I understand why you left. I hope you are able to move on and be your awesome self in everything that you do. Thank you for all the advice you gave me while you were there. I will always remember you and your kindness.

Be well.

Lots of love

Re: doris
Posted by Doris on Wed May 30 03:23:19 2001 (#479)

love you, hun

gutless
Posted by katie on Sun May 27 23:17:22 2001 (#468)

ok so i'm not suicidal i'm a cutter but some times i cut my self and wish that i had the guts to go all the way and kill myself. i'm bleeding right now. sorry to waist your time with such a stupid massage i just need some one to talk to

Re: gutless
Posted by BloodyWristGirl on Mon May 28 17:36:09 2001 (#469)

katie you can always talk to me i know what it is like to be in your shoes...its like cutting is a way to get things off your chest and keep your mind occupied...also it gets your mind off things that make you mad...at least it does for me, no one could ever waste my time, so you can tell me what you are feeling do be scared....

Re: gutless
Posted by bARBARA on Mon May 28 17:44:40 2001 (#470)

I guess sometimes it's good to be gutless. I didn't have the guts either...not that I regret that kind of gutlessness. I need to talk to someone too. I'm not on edge but I'm so so sad. What's your story? Welcome aboard if you're new. *Make yourself comfortable.* Sorry, couldn't resist. My email marcel@hilarious.com is always open to you. If I don't answer rite away it's because those boneheads at Cnn mail made themselves a little spring cleaning. A day of delawy...but I check here preety often and there are a few people that are around a lot. I think Doris has sort of become someone you can't imagine this board without. She's realyrealy nice and she was away a bit and everyone was alarmed. Reading this Doris? Nice greetings from sad little me. See you some time and Katie, be well.

Re: gutless
Posted by Doris on Tue May 29 03:08:00 2001 (#475)

katie - Your post sounded EXACTLY like something I would have written several months ago. I started cutting a long time ago to see if I had the guts to go all the way. I never did, though - thank God. Being gutless about killing yourself means you're strong. I know it sounds weird, but you have the strength - even if it's just an ounce - to say "this isn't right" and for that I applaud you. I will be praying that you embrace that strength and post here whenever you need someone to talk to. Everyone here will love you without conditions and listen to you without judgement.

bARBARA - You are too incredibly sweet. I can't believe I have that much of an effect on people. I love you, hun. You're too good to me. And, you know, I think you're someone this board can't do without as well. And you're super nice too. How is everything with you? Hope to hear from you soon!

tons of love

Doris

katie
Posted by Doris on Wed May 30 03:30:48 2001 (#482)

katie,

If you're a cutter and need people to talk to, I suggest (if you haven't already) visiting the Self Injury Board on this same site. There are SO much fantastic people there - elle and *me* to name a few. There are so many people that you'll find things in common with and so many people to share your emotions and fears with. Please check it out if you haven't already. Just a thought.

love and strength,

Doris

Cutting cures
Posted by jade on Tue May 29 20:23:56 2001 (#477)

its a release from the pain the hurt goes away when you slice through your arm no one understands the pain.... when the blade enters my flesh and my blood flows out it helps i need it it makes you feel there is someone to care whos there to comfort the tears? the blade

Re: Cutting cures
Posted by Doris on Wed May 30 03:35:12 2001 (#483)

Sure, it cures for the time being. But, when you finally realize that you don't need it to cope with your problems, you also realize that you've stopped cutting for several months and you have all these horrible dark scars on your wrist and ankle. You want to forget that part of you but you see the scars everyday, reminding you that this horrible habit once got the best of you. It's so shameful. Please don't follow my path - realize before it's too late that you DON'T need it to live. God speed to you.

love and strength,

Doris

Re: Cutting cures
Posted by bARBARA on Wed May 30 14:57:45 2001 (#485)

You're right about releasing your pain. It's just the method that's the problem. You need to find an alternative, and a healthy one. I can't stand to be touched and am very very lonely. I wanted to kill myself because I was filling the void in me with books and food and after 10 years it didn't work anymore. I found an alternative--a social volunteer. I have to fill the emptiness again and again. I just need to figure your way out. Because your pain IS real. bye bye

me
Posted by bARBARA on Sat Jun 2 20:52:47 2001 (#487)

It's like falling into a hole, a Twilight Zone, where sounds are different, from where things look different. In times like this I really wish I'd like alcohol. I leave no footdteps behind me. There are no signs that I live. I am an old old woman.

Re: me
Posted by Doris on Sun Jun 3 07:12:59 2001 (#488)

bARBARA,

You have such a beautiful soul. The world would be so sad to lose it. You have signs that you are living - you care about people. And people care about you. I care about you. I know very well that you are alive and well (at least well enough to be the beautiful person that you are). Please be happy. When life give you a lemon... squeeze it in someone's eye and laugh your head off. Love you, hun!

Doris

Re: me
Posted by bARBARA on Mon Jun 4 16:28:07 2001 (#492)

I'm feeling really down. I've started going to bed in the middle of the day to sleep the feelings off. My motivation is running on empty. I got an A at English and I was happy about 5 minutes. I just want to sleep and go away.

And how are you on these days

Re: me
Posted by Doris on Mon Jun 4 20:15:38 2001 (#493)

I know how you feel. A few months ago I would just sleep ALL day. Someone asked me why and I said "I would rather sleep than live my life." Another time I told someone that I wanted to sleep and not wake up. They were like "Um.. then you'd be dead." And I said "So?" So, I know how it is.

What triggered this feeling? And congratulations on your English grade. You should try to focus on all the good things happening than the bad. Say, "Hey, I got an A in English despite all my problems... I must be pretty strong." Try to focus on your strength, cuz I know you have tons of it.

I'm fine these days. Actually, I'm really happy. My boyfriend and I are doing so well and I love the school I'm at. Everything is good for now... knock on wood. Nothing mush to report. I'll be praying that you are well.

tons of love

Doris

Re: me
Posted by bARBARA on Tue Jun 5 19:05:55 2001 (#495)

:) you bad things happen whether we accept the fact or not... so if things are going well, be sure to notice it (Vonnegut)...exclaim that you're having a blast...don't think that it will punish (universe, god, whatever you like) you for saying stuff like that out loud. because bad times come whether we do that or not. I'm so wise now. ciao

Re: me
Posted by Doris on Tue Jun 5 19:15:55 2001 (#497)

That's right, bad things will always happen. Life is hills and valleys. I just hope you can find your way out of this valley. Email me anytime. Be well and stay strong. :)

Doris

here is a poem for all of you guys to read ok!!!!!
Posted by Tara on Mon Jun 4 01:35:46 2001 (#489)

TOURTURE

As i lay on the tourture table

of life

i think to myself

why won't he just get it over with

he throws me and straps me down

as DEATH straps me down

i can feel his cold,boney fingers

on my ankles and wrists

he looks me in the face and tells

me that i am going to die

as he speaks to me

i smell and feel his bitter and

disgusting breath rolling over my

body

DEATH takes out a knife and slits

me in 3 places

my wrists and my neck

as my body drains itself of blood

DEATH just watches me die

he watches the puddle of blood

grow bigger on the floor under me

after he is sure i am dead

DEATH picks me up and takes me to

his layer

for this is where i have longed to

be for so long

i am now here in the shadows to

watch and charish the people that

i love forever with out ever

hurting them again

GOODBYE CRUEL AND UNKIND WORLD!!!!

Re: here is a poem for all of you guys to read ok!
Posted by TARA on Mon Jun 4 01:41:30 2001 (#490)

THIS IS NOT A DETH THREAT!!!!!!!I HAVE JUST BEEN THROUGH SOME HARD TIMES HERE LATELY.THINGS ARE JUST RUNNING THROGH MY HEAD.IT IS GETTING HARDER FOR ME NOT TO JUST TAKE A KNIFE AND JUST SLICE INTO MYSELF.IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.WHICH YOU PROBALY ALL DO.I DON'T DOUT THAT.I JUST NEEDED SOME ONE TO TALK TO.I AM GOING TO GO FOR NOW.

YOUR FRIEND,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

Re: here is a poem for all of you guys to read ok!
Posted by bARBARA on Mon Jun 4 10:04:28 2001 (#491)

Keep on writing. If you feel less horrible after it, do it everyday. Just put down everything that is on your mind. I do it all the time. I think I've already told you I like your surname, didn't I. It reminds me of Tolkien and Frodo. Be well and I welcome you to drop by on my email to wish me luck for exams. :) Anyway, just keep a pen and a notebook closeby. ciao

Re: here is a poem for all of you guys to read ok!
Posted by bARBARA on Tue Jun 5 19:06:58 2001 (#496)

:) !!

Re: here is a poem for all of you guys to read ok!
Posted by Doris on Mon Jun 4 20:18:45 2001 (#494)

I liked your writing a lot. Thanks for sharing. Email me any time if you want to talk. I'm always here. Stay strong.

tons of love

Doris

poem
Posted by BloodyWristGirl on Wed Jun 6 00:25:50 2001 (#498)

A Sad thought runs through my cold mind Torturing my eyes until I am blind Its pain and hurt that I am seeing Its hurting my soul and my personal believing I am a plastic person with a plastic heart And I cant see my future because its hard No one is able to see The person deep down inside me They don’t care as long as it doesn’t concern them And one day they will understand when it comes to an end You cant be on this god for saking earth Without loving someone but then getting hurt

Re: poem
Posted by Doris on Thu Jun 7 01:55:00 2001 (#500)

Wow... that's all I came up with to say. Wow. You're an amazing writer. Keep it up.

Re: poem
Posted by KAT on Sat Jun 9 16:51:45 2001 (#504)

very nice poem. I write some very morbid poems...I liked that one, I also like your e-mail name, hehe. well anyhow the last line of your poem is true.."you can't be on this god for saking earth without loving someone but then getting hurt."- I understand that more then you know. =( anyway..keep posting your poems for me to read =) peacE

could you guys do something for me???????????
Posted by Tara on Fri Jun 8 20:30:37 2001 (#501)

go to the self injury board and read my post for 6/8/01 and give me your advice or even your opinon.i really need it right now.i am about to go crazy with this stuff going through my head.gotta go.

YOUR FRIEND,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

my two cents
Posted by Doris on Sat Jun 9 05:39:49 2001 (#502)

Tara,

I read your story several times. Here's what I think:

You HAVE to talk to him. Even if you "lose" him as a boyfriend... it sounds like you could never lose him out of your life. I doubt you would lose him as a boyfriend... although I know little about the situation. I just think that the perfect couple isn't one where both people are happy, it's where both people are honest. You have to be honest with him. Bring it up at a good time... start by saying how much you love him and tell him you're concerned about his happiness. I couldn't see you losing him over this because you're just proving how much you love him by being concerned for him. If you guys get to talking and you get the sincere impression that he isn't happy... then maybe you two should discuss your relationship... not nessarily end it.

I don't know if any of that helps... just thoughts poured out of my head. Good luck... just remember to be completely honest and that if you two really love each other, you could never "lose" him. God speed.

love and strength forever,

Doris

Re: could you guys do something for me???????????
Posted by bARBARA on Sun Jun 10 08:59:47 2001 (#507)

so how do you get back on your feet

I would like to know something...
Posted by KAT on Sat Jun 9 16:42:13 2001 (#503)

first of all let me say I am new here, Hello all. I am seriously and honestly fucked up in the head..I don't exactly understand why. I am now dealing with addiction and substance abuse and I have only been cutting about 1 year. I tried to commit suicide May 7th. I was serious this time, I had thought about it for maybe 7 years now but that night I cut deeper then before hoping to slice right through a main vein or something, I honestly believe I would have succedded in my work if I hadn't of been found by my mother and ruched to the ER, after stitches and psych wards, coping skills (which don't work) and after 6 weeks of not cutting, I cut last night =..( I cant stop but from crying, why couldn't god of let me be . I wanted to know this...how come some people get very very abgrey when no one will understna and listen and how come some people will just push everyone away and isolate themselfs when they need help the most. I have found that i get angrey over people not caring then again I just have given up hope for the human race so ..well thats all thank you. =) peacE

Re: I would like to know something...
Posted by bARBARA on Sun Jun 10 09:04:10 2001 (#508)

Why people isolate themselves when they need help most? Defense system, I think. peace

Re: I would like to know something...
Posted by Tara on Thu Jun 14 03:11:34 2001 (#514)

KAT,

hey girl,please e-mail me at my addresse above.i know that i have some answsers for you.i know whats going through your head,so please e-mail me soon.

Re: I would like to know something...
Posted by bARBARA on Fri Jun 15 21:33:18 2001 (#515)

me?

Poem(I hate You)...may be triggering =\
Posted by KAT on Sat Jun 9 17:06:40 2001 (#505)

Hi well I'm new here and Im so glad there is a message board about suicide and SI. It brings me relief...well heres some poems I thew together on those desperate lonly nights in hell...

I hate You lonly man, gun in hand frightened eyes mask hidden lies smell of fear a single tear drop to the floor and ran for the door Make the pain go away I know I'll die someday I silenced my cries for so long everything I do is wrong Hate is the only feeling I know Hate will be the only feeling I show condemed to this life escape reality with a knife You will search the truth for a lifetime my blood will spill while I write this rhyme Till the day I die no one will hear me cry the deaf will listen the blind will see You must all die and suffer for me Indeed it's wrong How I've lived so long Indeed it's right I will not fight The reaper lingers above my head Just like the rest, he waits till Im dead The job is done, another body bag filled Suicide is my sin, yet I wish you're the one I would have killed.

well thers one of my poems I save the rest for another rainy day. =) peacE

Re: Poem(I hate You)...may be triggering =\
Posted by insignificant other on Mon Jun 11 21:22:13 2001 (#509)

no words can express....

Re: Poem(I hate You)...may be triggering =\
Posted by bARBARA on Fri Jun 15 21:37:56 2001 (#516)

wow girl! you feel any teeny weeny better putting it down?

don't like rainy days? I adore 'em (what a silly post) (this all was a complement)

Rachel?!?!?!?
Posted by insignificant other on Mon Jun 11 21:25:47 2001 (#510)

hey, um arfe you still here??? you posted a message asking me a question, and it took me a few days to answer, but you havent posted for, like, ages, and i'm worried about you. it might just be my paranoia and anxiety kicking in again, but i get the idea that everything has been and could be alot better, but youre just not wanting to talk. that's fine, just please, tell me, ARE YOU STILL HERE?!?!?!?!? (oh, and yeah, incase it wasn't clear, when i did my wrists, it fucking kaned, and it's not worth it, i look at the scars, and i wish i could get rid of them.)

another....
Posted by BloodyWristGirl on Tue Jun 12 23:19:56 2001 (#511)

If the wounds on my body never healed I would of never been able to feel If my reflection in the mirror never screamed My soul would never be seen These scars will never make me feel clean When it’s love that’s the most I need People expect me to be happy They expect me to feel free But in reality in stuck in here Where I feel no body is near When everyone out there And I cant find my soul anywhere How can I love anyone If I don’t love myself How can I be loved If I don’t let anyone in If my life was a book Would anyone read me?

Re: another....
Posted by KAT on Sun Jun 17 04:34:04 2001 (#520)

=)

Recovering...
Posted by Sez on Wed Jun 13 02:18:52 2001 (#512)

Hey all! I am recovering from suicide attempts and feelings. I tried to end my life again not long ago...I jumped off a building.

It helps to know I'm not alone in this and I want to say I love you. Life does get better, you just have to open your eyes to look at the beauty around you. Don't give up guys!

I love you all. Sarah

Re: Recovering...
Posted by Tara on Thu Jun 14 03:06:25 2001 (#513)

Sarah,

i am glad that you are ok.i have tired to kill myself before.i cut myself on the wrist.little did i know that it was not close enough to kill me like i wanted.i have had manic depression for almost 4 years and add and i also self-mutilate.i cut and burn.on the manic depression,i am not the bipolar kind,just manic depression.i have over 87 scars on my arms and legs.the reason i started to do this is i was raped at 14,but anyway i used to hate waking up in the morning because one of the first things that i would see were my ugly,pathetic,scars.i was so ashamed of myself and heard people talking about me and would be terrified to go out in public because of what people would say about my arms if they were not covered up.i have now moved pasted all that.i am doing a lot better than i was then.i might even be getting off my meds here in about 2 or 3 months.that makes me really happy.my scars are fading away.you have to be standing close to me to notice them at all.i am also a lot happier than i was.i used to write very dark poems.i had a dark soul and mind.if it had anything to do with death or evil,i liked it.i am still kinda evil in my own little way.i do still think about death,but only how i will die.like if i will be murdered,die in my sleep or something like that.i no longer want to kill myself.i want to live my life to the fullest.live everyday like it was my last.never know,it just might be.i am going to stop on and on and tell you,,,you go girl!!!!!!!everybody else please don't think about the negative in your life.there is a lot of positive to think about to.take this board.you have very many friends here who care for you and want to help you as much as they can.don't waste that.WE ARE HERE TO HELP YOU.WE WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.well gotta jet for now.if anyone needs to talk,my e-mail address is above,so just e-mail me and i promise you that i will write you back.

LOVE YOUR FRIEND,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

Re: Recovering...
Posted by bARBARA on Fri Jun 15 21:51:24 2001 (#518)

I thought I was the only one wanting to die in sleep. Yesterday. I was dozing off and kept telling to the universe please, please let me rest. It wasn't a frantic, hysterical pleading. I wanted to lie down and sleep.

Re: Recovering...
Posted by bARBARA on Fri Jun 15 21:44:46 2001 (#517)

In case u wanna talk about it--how could you jump? Did you look down? This always puzzled me--that someone jumpes. I get fear of heights just thinking about it. Hope this doesn't seem too stupid. peace

Re: Recovering...
Posted by Doris on Mon Jun 18 19:31:00 2001 (#523)

What a beautiful post. Thank you, Sarah. Stay strong.

Doris

weary
Posted by bARBARA on Sun Jun 17 23:36:21 2001 (#521)

I'm thinking what words to put down to express how I feel. I don't know.

I wish you all would be standing living here in front of me. When I was little never in my wildest dreams I imagined life would be so hard. How can I handle this.

Re: weary
Posted by KAT on Mon Jun 18 01:14:29 2001 (#522)

Hi there =) Distract yourself with something when you have these terrible feelings. earlier I was so desperatly trying to cut myself but I couldnt break apart the razor I just gave up. I was proud and the feeling did go away. Please hang in there, best of luck to you. =)

Re: weary
Posted by Doris on Mon Jun 18 19:35:14 2001 (#524)

bARBARA,

Life is hard. You can get through it with your friends and family. Everyone on this board is here for you. Just think about all the beautiful things in life - falling asleep listening to the rain outside, hearing someone say they love you... and believing them, knowing that you are never alone, having a man open a door for you, realizing that you could be a mother someday... these are just a few things off the top of my head. Just focus on the good and let the bad go f*ck itself. :-D Love you! Stay strong.

Doris

Hey everyone
Posted by Alana on Fri Jun 22 02:12:43 2001 (#525)

Haven't been here for awhile. How is everyone? Its unfortunate how many messages are on this board since I was here last...I wish there were no posts on suicide. Well I'll give you a review on what has happened with me since I last posted. All in all I've tried to commit suicide about 8 times, failing each time. Some times were worse than others, but that is always how it is, right? About 5 OD's, a few slit wrists (really bad, lots of stitches in the past while) oh and my favourite attempt which almost had me in my grave, oh I was so close, I hung myself in the hospital, but my nurse caught me just as I passed out. DAMN! There is no point in being suicidal anymore, cuz it just doesn't work like I would like it too. I'M JOKING! Being suicidal is not something to be proud of, its a scary place to be especially when you can't get out. LIKE ME! I'm stuck in this feeling of despair. All I want right now is to slice open my arms all over, tie the rope around my neck and hang till all the pain goes away. Thats my life. Life of a fucked up girl. So all you people out there who don't know what its like, I'm happy for you. And all of you who do, can I cry with you?

ALANA

Re: Hey everyone
Posted by KAT on Fri Jun 22 22:11:43 2001 (#526)

Hi. You can cry with me =) I'm in total despair. coping skills dont work, psyh wards dont help. Nothing can help a mind that is out of reach from the world, lost in psychotic thoughts and suicide. keep breathin and you'll be fine. Love ya!

ALANA!!!
Posted by Doris on Sat Jun 23 05:10:09 2001 (#527)

Alana,

You have no idea how surprised and happy I was to see that you posted!!! And how sad I was to read how you've been doing. What brought on this suicidal feeling - I know you had it before but I thought you were getting better. Maybe I was fooling myself into thinking that - I'm not sure. I'm so sorry that you've been doing so bad lately. I don't really no what to say other than I'll be praying that you stay safe and happy and that you'll take care of yourself. You're so incredibly special and the world would have a gap in it without you. Don't do anything serious. Please. PLEASE. The world needs you. Please stay. I missed you so much... how would I be if you left for good? Please stay safe.

Always in my prayers,

Doris

And PLEASE email me anytime!

Re: Hey everyone
Posted by bARBARA on Sat Jun 23 16:36:01 2001 (#529)

God. What a post. I don't really know what to write. I thought I was having a bad time! My email is up. I wish you a lot of good sleep.

new here......help!!!!!
Posted by Overcoming-1 on Sat Jun 23 08:19:35 2001 (#528)

I have been to the self injury discussion group a few times. I'm a cutter who hasn't attempted suicide for over two years. But last night at church I just looked up at a picture of Jesus coming in the clouds (there s also the possibility that is was of his assencion) to me it was His coming back for those of us who belong to him..... and I just started crying "I want to go home, I want to be free of the struggle of dealing with flashbacks and memories and the physical and mental pain of being who I am and living in this body.

I went up for prayer, then felt drawn to tell the pastor what that I was thinking of killing myself. And again I was prayed for.

Prayer works, I know it does...... I'm here today because it works, but mixed in with prayer is telling someone you are thinking suicial thoughts. And yet I wish I could vaporize. I've tried taking pills and drinking, but God won't let me complete it. I've asked him not to let me do it, but still I don't want to exist anymore.

Help........

Re: new here......help!!!!!
Posted by bARBARA on Sat Jun 23 16:41:05 2001 (#530)

Don't hate me for what I'm gonna write.

Maybe what God is trying to tell you that he has different plans for you. Maybe, just maybe, God believes gallons in you, even if you don't. You are never nothing less that beautiful. (Jewel)

Re: new here......help!!!!!
Posted by Alana on Sun Jun 24 00:30:39 2001 (#532)

Awwww, hang in there dude, you can make it through this tough time. I know what its like to just not want to be here anymore, and just be with jesus....BUT, like you, I ask God to not allow me to go through with it, and hope that when I get so down, lost, and depressed that the blade won't slice so deep and that the pills won't kill me. It has worked so far... but who knows how much longer till I cut to deep, pull the rope to tight, swallow too many pills, and overdose on coke. WHO KNOWS? Right now, I don't want to die...this morning I did, yesterday I did, the day before I didn't, and maybe I will later! I hate this because you never know when that feeling of despair takes over your mind, heart, soul, intellect and ofcourse take over your actions. I don't know if I am making any sense....it seems like I'm not. I hope you guys all understand what I'm going through and trying to explain. I tried my best! SORRY GUYS! Hang in there hun, don't go too far, I hate missing people and I don't want to miss you so stay here with us.

Love you all, Alana

Everyone please read!!!!
Posted by Overcoming-1 (Dawn) on Sun Jun 24 03:15:56 2001 (#533)

Thanks!!! I know the ups and downs come and go. And God still has me in the palm of his wonderful hand.

I,m going to be 49 soon. I know I'll still be here for that, unless God himself takes me home sooner.

I've lived on the streets, did the drug scene, slept under bushes, and ate stale donuts for a week, and was married to the father of my now adult children for 16 years before I finally learned beer was more important to him than I was. Then I did the smartest thing I could do. I went to college.

I wanted to courself women who had been married to alcoholic abusive men. I thought that was the only problem I had. But I soon heard words like, repression, post-traumatic-stress disorder, and how they stem from child abuse, rape and incest. I thought I had had a mental breakdown before I left my children's father but discovered it was nothing (even though one day I decided to kill my three children....then myself.... and only God himself stopped me then). But when my memories of incest, rape, and my memories of my mean, cruel mother came to the surface did I fall totally apart. I can intellectualize the whole story.... but feeling the feelings and remembering actually reliving the hell turns my brains to jelly and I cut, or consider taking every pill in my apartment. It is only by the grace of God and the hope he instils in me that tommorr might be better than today that I am still here today.

I am so thankful for this message board and the people who know how it feels, and their turn arounds when they reach out to someone else and tell them to hang in there. It is absolutely amazing. Thanks

Thanks guys
Posted by Alana on Sun Jun 24 00:23:58 2001 (#531)

Hey everyone, thanks for the posts, its really nice to know that people still care about me and what happens to me. I've actually been feeling better the past couple days. I don't know if you guys remember the whole colin (strider) thing, but that had me really down and out for awhile, but I've talked to him the past few days (awwww, he's leaving tomorrow for the army) and it has helped me so much just to get everything out of me. For awhile there it was all eating me alive....but therapy has helped that as well. My therapist is gay! YAH MAN, he's the coolest guy I've ever met! Tomorrow is gay pride day here in Toronto...so I'll be going down to the parade and watching all the naked people go by. SHOULD BE FUN! HAhaha! Anyways, I'm going off topic here. I hope that everyone is doing well, and staying safe. I think I've been cut free for 11 days now...I hope it lasts this time.

STAY ALIVE!

Love you all, Alana Banana

Re: Thanks guys
Posted by Doris on Sun Jun 24 06:23:11 2001 (#534)

love you too, hun. so glad you're back.

Re: Thanks guys
Posted by bARBARA on Mon Jun 25 20:35:10 2001 (#538)

You feel good? WOOHOO!

I think this is my quote of the day.

MY THERAPIST IS GAY!

Those parades ARE fun. I envy you, I wouldn't mind going to one these days. You get to relax and party and laugh because there is no discretness and profesionalism....

love your name

so confused
Posted by Doris on Sun Jun 24 06:36:13 2001 (#535)

Okay, I transferred to my boyfriend's school that was 600 miles away from my home because we couldn't stand the long-distance thing. And now here I am, with my boyfriend - the love of my life - for the first time in months and I'm so happy. I am... really.

You see, he works during the week and I work during the weekend (and we're practically living together). So, I get really sad when I'm here all day alone during the week. Like... really sad. The way I used to get. I get all lonely and depressed and I start to cry for no reason. I feel so pathetic.

And he went home today (about an hour away) and he's only been gone for 10 hours and I'm a wreck. I told him he could stay the night at home but I really didn't want him to.. and he knew that. So he's gonna be back soon.

I guess I'm writing because I feel like I NEED him to be happy. And that scares me. What if he left me? What if something happened to him? There are so many things that can happen. I'm so scared. It's like my emotions are running wild. If I can't do without him for 10 hours...

I've never been this happy and that scares the sh*t out of me. Does anyone understand?

loves to all,

Doris

Re: so confused
Posted by KAT on Sun Jun 24 20:11:10 2001 (#536)

I understand. your story brings back some extremly sad deep down feelings inside of me, almost makes me cry when I think back. I had a relationship with a young man who ment everything to me. I would commit murder for him, he was the only person that could make me happy and make me smile and he treated me like dirt. Well it ended up that one day he and my 'best friend' started to fancy one another and I was soon out of the picture. I can not tell you how horrible I felt for months and months and oh my god. I tried to commit suicide three weeks after he broke up with me. So many lies, why!?? =..( it hurts so bad. But Im getting over him now slowly...your boyfriend can make you happy but you need to make yourself happy. I dont know exactly what to tell you but..well I dont know just hang in there, your not alone. I hope everything works out well for you. =)

Re: so confused
Posted by bARBARA on Mon Jun 25 20:29:07 2001 (#537)

Very very similar thing with me and a friend of mine...we use dto be on phone everyday, talk all the time...and for unspeakably casual reasons we didn't have contact for three months. There's a long harrowing story behind all this, but I don't feel like talking about it right now. What I'm trying to say- if you're a wreck when he's away, you depend tooo much on him. Because you are absolutely right-anything can happen. I'm not gonna preach you on this any more because I don't know the difference of dependence and love either. Like how do you love someone and be ok when without them. It's kinda funny I read this post today, because I contacted her todaya and we talked...anyway, I suggest you you go into hobbies when he's away. Busy yourself. Write ol me when it gets ugly. yours

KAT and bARBARA
Posted by Doris on Mon Jun 25 22:19:57 2001 (#539)

You guys are the best. KAT - I'm so very very sorry that he treated you badly and eventually broke up with you. You don't deserve that - no one does. I hope you can find inner strength to go on without him (heh, I should take some of my own advice). bARBARA - I'm glad you talked to your friend today. I love talking to friends I haven't talked to in a very long time.

Thanks for the advice, both of you. I'm trying to find a second job for during the week so I'm not just sitting here alone doing nothing. I have an interview on Wednesday - wish me luck! Thanks guys, I love you.

Doris

Doris
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 26 00:59:28 2001 (#540)

Hi Doris,

You're right , you have great advice and you need to go infront of a mirror and talk to yourself. =) give yourself some advice it would be so beneficial to you. Good luck on your job interview, I always hated those things. Yu seem to me like a very strong willed woman with a big heart. Good luck to you!

-Love-

Re: Doris
Posted by Doris on Tue Jun 26 06:33:31 2001 (#542)

Thanks, KAT. That means a lot to me. :-D

Re: KAT and bARBARA
Posted by bARBARA on Tue Jun 26 23:25:16 2001 (#543)

What kind of job

Re: KAT and bARBARA
Posted by Doris on Wed Jun 27 07:04:22 2001 (#544)

I applied to like 5 jobs in the span of a week. And, no one called me back. So, my last choice (or close to it) is this job at a fast food restaurant. I really don't want to work there, but I'm really desperate. I owe my mom $850 in about a month for my housing here at school over the summer and I have about $200 and that's if I give her every last cent. I'm so broke it's sad. So, that's a long story to a simple question - a job at a fast food restaurant... called "Boston Market."

loves to all

Doris

PS
Posted by Doris on Wed Jun 27 07:05:26 2001 (#545)

How are you, bARBARA?

Re: PS
Posted by bARBARA on Thu Jun 28 23:55:09 2001 (#562)

We're online at the same time!!! It's midnight here...

answer: on verge of tears.

Re: KAT and bARBARA
Posted by bARBARA on Thu Jun 28 23:53:27 2001 (#561)

Wow, I didn't expect such answer. I guess this is where we're on oposite sides of the poles cos I live with my parents and pay nothing. Then again, it's different in my country. It's not unusial if you're 25 or 30 and still with your parents. Economics.

Never heard of Boston Market. I guess it's not known as McDonald's or Burger King.

How are you these days (boyfriend busines...)?

Re: KAT and bARBARA
Posted by Doris on Fri Jun 29 02:31:51 2001 (#566)

How am I? Well... the whole interview was horrible - the guy wasn't even looking for people! I was so incredibly upset. But, I'm still looking. Days are long here alone. Even now, I'm waiting for him to come home from tutoring and I'm a mess. I miss him so much. And I just saw him four hours ago. Is that pathetic? Cuz that's how I feel.

Why are/were you sad? You know you can email me anytime. Stay strong, hun.

Loves

Doris

I don't want to "BE" anymore
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jun 27 10:26:51 2001 (#546)

It is tough just being awake. I had an appointment with my therapist today but I blew it off.

MY thoughts and emotions are like riding a roller coaster. I am not interested in anything. I have no zip.

Maybe its the valum..... maybe its saddnes. If I could snap my fingers and leave my body and this planet I'd do it.

I used to have a suicide plan. But a practise run showed me it wouldn't work. I've tried alcohol and pills, but would change my mind before it was too late. Once I was flown in a helocopter to a trauma unit (not that I remember it). So I know I don't like epicate, or charcoal, or mental hospitals, jumping off bridges usually only ends in lasting complications worse than the life I now live. Why can't I just vaporize?

Re: I don't want to "BE" anymore
Posted by black rose on Wed Jun 27 17:30:18 2001 (#547)

Dawn, ur still here bcuz live holds on to what it needs...ur needed in this world and ur important to me and others! Please don't go thru w/suicide it doesn't end the pain it continues it forever...frozen in time! *hugs* Christine

Re: I don't want to "BE" anymore
Posted by KAT on Wed Jun 27 18:02:51 2001 (#549)

Dawn, sweetie. Please..I love you. I know it may seem like I don't considering I dont even know you, but from reading your posts you are me. We are almost exactly the same. Intrusive thoughts are alright as long as you dont act on them. Its all a matter of choice, and making the right desicion. I have had many plans of killing myself and 1 almost worked if my mother would not have found me I would have not been here to write to you. I know have to live with those memories my parents constantly worrying and scars the size of Texas. =) I have also had plans and ways that I would like to kill some people in my life which I truly believe that I hate. Not just dislike but hate with all my heart. but I donbt act on those thoughts. It might not seem like it, but it gets better. read books about cutting and suicide they really really do help believe it or not. Im reading one right now. Cutting is getting to the point where its not working anymore for me. Im lost. but I know somewhere there is hope. Please hang in there. Good luck to you. =)

I'm back!!!
Posted by black rose on Wed Jun 27 17:33:18 2001 (#548)

sry I left for soo long and haven't written in the longest times! I just wanna let everyone here know that I'm here for them! ne time u need someone to talk to I'm always here! my sn is twistedpsycho13@Aol.com don't let the name throw u off! *hugs* Christine Doris~ I've missed u sooooooo much! *hugs*

Re: I'm back!!!
Posted by Doris on Wed Jun 27 19:14:27 2001 (#550)

Christine!

I am so incredibly sorry I haven't emailed in a while - I have been so busy! How are you? Last time you emailed you weren't doing so well... are things better? I hope so. Please write back... I'm sorry again.

loves to all

Doris

Doris
Posted by black rose on Thu Jun 28 15:56:49 2001 (#553)

I've been having these incredible urges to just drop everything I'm doing and cut until I can't cut ne more! they keep coming back and I just don't know what to do besides give in...I'm sry!

Re: Doris
Posted by Doris on Thu Jun 28 22:13:41 2001 (#559)

Oh honey,

Try not to give in. You are so incredibly strong. You just have to find the strength within yourself to fight it. And you CAN fight it, I know you can. Please be strong. You're in my prayers - always. Love you, hun. I'm always here for you.

Doris

Re: I'm back!!!
Posted by Alana on Sun Jul 1 17:28:51 2001 (#580)

Hey Christine! Remember me, from back in the day. Like you I also disappeared for awhile, but I'm back and more bitter than ever. Sorry guys?!? I missed you, and everyone else who use to be here, but...there's new people and new friendships to be made here. I'm happy to see all the new people, and how dedicated they are to helping themselves.

Alana

just thought i'd say goodbye...forever....
Posted by insignificant other on Wed Jun 27 21:21:14 2001 (#551)

so, this is gonna be a not very nice message, but it's gonna be the last one i post....ever.... i just wanna say thanks to everyone who gave me info/advice etc. and tell you to keep fighting, and ner give up too easily, like i did. so, ok, yeah, i'm gonna go now.

good luck in life to you all.

love Pippa

xxx

Re: just thought i'd say goodbye...forever....
Posted by black rose on Thu Jun 28 16:00:14 2001 (#554)

u don't have to give up! there r ppl here who care for u and can help u! PLease don't give up! IM or e-mail me ne time u wanna talk! *hugs* Christine

Re: just thought i'd say goodbye...forever....
Posted by bARBARA on Fri Jun 29 00:02:25 2001 (#563)

I'm not gonna try to persuade you into anything. If you don't go, go to sleep and sleep for 9 hours. If you do go--then BYE.

Re: just thought i'd say goodbye...forever....
Posted by Alana on Sun Jul 1 17:38:47 2001 (#583)

PIPPA, NO! I know that I'm a bit late in replying to your post, but if you read this, please email me as soon as possible. Stay!

Alana

Permanent location: http://www.psyke.org/archive/suicide/006

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