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Threads 101 to 125

love's remorse
Posted by necrosis on Sat Mar 31 06:40:46 2001 (#338)

maybe I misjudged everything & it's all trash. Possibly I am a disgrace to everything & nothing mourns my very existence. Kill me now & bond with angels, I never lived to be sacrosanct. Destroy meaning & kiss my breath, all is ephemeral transcience.

Forget a loved one & remember empty rememberance. Kill all in your path & resume automatic spirituality. We're all dead, life is an undertaker. Leave me to die, love is a suicide.

don't worry - rang samaritons - be around a bit longer - but hope despairs in the face of time........

love

xxxxxx

Re: love's remorse
Posted by Doris on Sat Mar 31 08:28:11 2001 (#339)

Necrosis,

I love you. Stay strong.

Doris

Re: love's remorse
Posted by Doris on Sat Mar 31 08:29:43 2001 (#340)

Maybe 'I love you' weren't the right words. Because I know how you feel about love. You know what I mean - I care about you and I don't want anything bad to happen to you. I don't want you to die. I would miss you too much. Please be strong. God speed.

Doris

Re: love's remorse
Posted by anona1 on Sun Apr 1 13:44:38 2001 (#341)

how dare I say "don't give up on me..."

but please, don't give up on you...big, long hug

Re: love's remorse
Posted by bARBARA on Tue Apr 3 19:57:03 2001 (#343)

I'm starving for hugs these years. With they could be transmitted :)

Re: love's remorse
Posted by anona1 on Wed Apr 4 13:00:44 2001 (#345)

I've lacked hugs so long that I just don't want them unless someone's willing to hold me forever...

anyway, I have break for a couple weeks...just don't want people needlessly worrying...take care

Re: love's remorse
Posted by bARBARA on Wed Apr 4 13:26:34 2001 (#346)

yeah? you going somewhere?

Re: love's remorse
Posted by bARBARA on Tue Apr 3 19:50:00 2001 (#342)

How's it going on these days

HELL
Posted by Doris on Sat Apr 7 07:39:30 2001 (#347)

This is a poem I wrote when I wanted to die one night... just something to think about.

HELL

In the darkness I cry. I wish you were there to watch me die. How I longed for your presence. I bow my head in silence.

The world is much better now. It’s hard to pinpoint how. No one is listening to me. No one has to be.

I am forgotten and I am gone. Not it’s up to Him to lead me home. I have left the earth for a better place. Where I go now is up to His Grace.

Hell is where I remain. I could never imagine this much pain. I hurt a million times more than I did up there. But here there is not a soul to care.

How did I get here? Please God make it clear. I must have cut too deep that night. I must have thought I was right.

I was so wrong; I thought they’d be better off. No matter how much they cry it’s never enough. I thought my funeral would be family alone. But there they stood – everyone I’d ever known.

I thought death would make the pain go away. But in agony will I eternally stay. How could I be so wrong? I should have known I was strong.

I left to relieve them of me. But all I see are tears and agony. Everyone is sad now, everyone in pain. Yet this situation will always remain.

I cannot take back my action. Not even a fraction. It is done; it is over. But now we all suffer.

I shouldn’t be here. There is far too much to fear. Death made it so much worse. Somebody call back the hearse.

I long to return to my old life. Somebody take away my knife. I want to live the rest of my hours. Somebody cancel the flowers.

I want to see the sun; I want to see the mud. Somebody mop up all the blood. I want to see a smile on my face. Somebody put me back in my place.

There is no possibility of return. No matter how much I yearn. There is nowhere to run. What’s done is done.

I was wrong – that I can clearly see. I just never imagined this would happen to me. I am dead. And God rejected me just like He said.

I didn’t know what was going on. I should have listened to my friends all along. They said they would miss me. I just never thought it could be.

Everything is horrible now that I’ve gone. Who’d have thought I could be so wrong? I now see all my mistakes. There is no chance for re-takes.

I was selfish; I was stupid. I only wish I knew it. Now there is nowhere to run. What’s done is done.

Re: HELL
Posted by bARBARA on Sun Apr 8 09:14:34 2001 (#348)

My personal favourite lines are How I longed for you presence and Somebody cancel he flowers.

Re: HELL
Posted by insignificant other on Sat May 19 21:14:27 2001 (#444)

no words can express....

dunno
Posted by ** on Sun Apr 15 14:08:05 2001 (#349)

I felt suicidal over 3 years but 6months ago I have met someone who was worth living for. I thought about my future .I was still depressed but I was happy that I didn't want to die anymore.

A week ago I thought for the first time in a long period, about killing myself.I don't want to be the person I was a couple of months ago.

Maybe it's because i have a relation with someone. it sounds weird but i've always thought that nobody would love me and that i would never love somebody. now that I do, it's to much for me to handle.

Should I break up with him?? He is the only person who really listens to me and he would do anything to make me happy. But if he's the person who makes me feel suicidal?? I don't know what to do.

Maybe suicide is a way out.

Re: dunno
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 16 20:26:59 2001 (#350)

Wow, I felt like I was reading a post about my life. I've been suicidal for about seven years and about two and a half months ago I met someone to live for too. And, for the first time in my life I actually believed that I had a future.

I SO know how you feel - I never thought ANYONE would ever love me (never thought I was worth loving) - and it's a lot to handle. Sometimes it overwhelms me and I just break out crying - I can't tell if it's out of happiness or sadness. Probably just overhwelmed. So trust me, I know where you are.

My opinion is that I don't think you should break up with him. You say he would do anything to make you happy - let him do it. Talk to him about how you feel, tell him it's too much for you to handle. Maybe he'll back off a bit, maybe he'll shower you with attention. Either way, I always think it's better to get things out in the open. Anyway, it seems like you found your POTENTIAL to be happy with this man. I think you should stay with him and see where it goes - you know you can be happy, now just let yourself.

I know it's a lot to handle, but just think about it this way - you've had so much suffering in your life (I'm assuming for being suicidal for 3 years) that it's finally your turn for happiness. You've been through so much, you deserve a good time now. So, just let it happen. Stop fighting it, stop doubting and just let it happen.

One final thought (I'm SO sorry this is so long) - suicide is NEVER a way out!!! I know it sounds typical, but it isn't. You've foudn someone to live for. So live for him!!! I know I'll never be suicidal again now that I've found someone. Love is so much to live for. It's overwhelming and scary and wonderful all at the same time. Please be strong for your man - he needs you to be strong. Talk to him about it. I'm sure he'll try to help.

Sorry this is so long, hope some of it helps. It's just my thoughts, please take them under consideration. He doesn't want you to die. I don't want you to die. Please don't do anything permanent. You have so much to live for now! Be well.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: dunno
Posted by ** on Tue Apr 17 18:44:59 2001 (#351)

Thanks alot for your post. It really means alot to me.

I was about to break up with him but I just couldn't do it. I love him to much.

The hardest thing for me is to explain my feelings that I have for him and why I'm depressed and suicidal (I don't know why I'm depressed and suicidal so it's really difficult to explain that to him).

I'm gonna try to just sit down with him and have a long conversation and I will try to say him how much he means to me.

Hope I will have the guts..

Thanks again for your post!

Re: dunno
Posted by Doris on Wed Apr 18 06:54:24 2001 (#353)

I think that long conversation is a GREAT idea. I know it's hard.. I'll be praying for your strength. I wish you the best of luck in trying to communicate your feelings with him. God speed.

Doris

yes you do
Posted by bARBARA on Wed Apr 18 09:17:36 2001 (#354)

Hello. Welcome aboard. I read your post. If he's worth living for, why does he make you feel suicidal? Maybe I just misunderstood.

I'm glad Doris was right at hand, I was away a bit. If I had to give you advise, I'd say thumbs up for the long conversation that you think about. Maybe on a walk through a park if it makes the convesation easier. bye bye two stars

Hey Doris
Posted by bARBARA on Wed Apr 18 09:21:04 2001 (#355)

How's life trating you these days? I'm lonely. You know how you talk about thinking noone could ever love you? I'm there. But, anyway, tell me about that boyfriend.

Hey bARBARA
Posted by Doris on Thu Apr 19 00:13:15 2001 (#356)

Life is very good to me. I actually had a really bad night the other night. My dad started yelling at me and swearing and going crazy and he made me feel like a piece of shit, so I cut myself - for the first time in four months. But, I called my boyfriend and he calmed me down.

I met Tom online. He lives in Ohio. He's the greatest person I've ever met. He's soooo smart and funny and so incredibly sweet to me. He treats me like a queen and I love him with all my heart. We're planning our wedding already. We've only been together for 2 1/2 months but we know we were made for each other. Anyway, that's about him. :)

How are you, girl? I've missed you - where you been? I know EXACTLY how it feels to think that no one could love me. I used to think that I wasn't even worth anyone's second thought. Someone would say "I was thinking about you the other day..." and I would get so mad at them that they even thought about me! And when people said "I care about you" or "I love you" I got so mad. I just wanted to go through life completely ignored by everyone. And why should anyone love me? I was pathetic (I thought I was).

Anyway, I want to tell you that all will change. I believe there is someone out there for everyone - and you will meet yours. And when you do, everything will change. All you have to do is wait. Your whole outlook on life will change. It will be wonderful. I will be praying that it happens to you sooner rather than later, but it will happen.

Anyway, Sorry this is so long. I hope you are well. Please write back, it's been a while. What's new with you??? :)

Love and strength,

Doris

sadness
Posted by anona1 on Sun Apr 22 10:17:44 2001 (#357)

hey barbara...sorry I haven't been here in a while...how are you?

basically I come here when it all gets too much...I was giving life a chance for a while and now I'm frustrated with it...

don't remember if I mentioned that I cut/scratch till I bleed...never attempted suicide, never came up with a good, sure plan that wasn't messy...no one knows what I do and I wouldn't want to put people through a gruesome scene...

anyway, I'm not sure if I feel like dying at the moment but I really feel that I've given up on life...I used to care when I harmed my body thinking it's wrong to do to myself and would feel guilty during or after...now I'm just like, who cares about my body, it's not me...nobody really knows me, why should it matter what I keep hidden from those who see me walking around in my capsule...I should stop before I ramble on and annoy myself...take care

Re: sadness
Posted by bARBARA on Thu Apr 26 16:54:26 2001 (#371)

Hi anona, sorry to reply so late. How am I? I'm doing some positive steps, voluntary work with elderly and children. I can say I'm not suicidal anymore, but I am empty. And lonely. I relate to what you say about wanting people not know about yorself. All my life I've been hiding a mammoth of loneliness that reflects in addictions. If I were around you now, I'd pat you on shoulders. I was never good at talking. marcel@hilarois.com

Re: sadness
Posted by anona1 on Fri Apr 27 00:13:10 2001 (#378)

great to hear...I feel the same lonliness and despair and may be slipping into thoughts of suicide again...pretty borderline now...

I'm okay at writing but I suck at talking...and even worse about letting people touch me at all

I'm afraid
Posted by Alana on Sun Apr 22 23:24:24 2001 (#358)

I'm usually at the SI board. But I have to admit...I'm having thoughts of suicide. I don't know what to do.

Alana

Re: I'm afraid
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 23 02:57:04 2001 (#359)

Alana, sweety, I'm so sorry. I know it gets really scary when you realize that you're thinking about killing yourself. Tell us why - is it about your post in the SI board? About those two people and the truth hurting? Please talk to us about it. We're here for you. Stay strong.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: I'm afraid
Posted by Alana on Mon Apr 23 06:37:21 2001 (#360)

Yah thats it. Not the reason why completely, but what made me started thinking. I don't want to be here anymore. Its sooooo hard to smile these days, and pretend everything is alright. I hate myself for what I've caused. I dont deserve to live anymore.

Re: I'm afraid
Posted by bARBARA on Thu Apr 26 16:55:56 2001 (#372)

maybe a helpline would help

Wanting to die
Posted by Alana on Mon Apr 23 18:42:06 2001 (#361)

I can't stop this feeling. I can't go on this way. I slit my wrists last night, pretty bad. I couldn't do it though, i wish I could. I'm just going to have to find another way.

Alana

NO!!!
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 23 23:51:42 2001 (#362)

Alana,

Please don't do this. I've heard you talk about God a few times, so I'm assuming you're fairly religious. So, I'll try to reason with you that way. If you kill yourself, you'll go to Hell. You don't want that much pain. I wrote a poem that I posted on this board called "Hell" that was all about the pain that one would feel if they went to Hell.

You want a release from all your pain and I can't blame you. Life can majorly suck. But, it's your life. You can do anything in your heart. Life is worth living for all those little unforgettable moments - I'm sure you know what I mean.

I know you have people that love you - myself included. Think about those people. Think about how missed you'll be. Think about your future. What if you're supposed to cure cancer or AIDS or something later in your life? Every life has a plan, please stay strong and wait for yours.

I will be praying for you. I sincerely hope that you will not do anything permanent. Stay safe, Alana.

Don't look for anonther way to die. Look for another way to live.

Love and strength,

Doris

spiraling down
Posted by Alana on Tue Apr 24 03:50:32 2001 (#363)

thats how my life is feeling right now. I don't know what to believe. I can't breathe. I can't think without thinking about how much I hate myself and wish that all this pain would just leave me alone and never come back. I can only take so much rejection and feelings of worthlessness. What did I do to make this all happen? What did I do to deserve this hate I feel towards myself? What did I do to deserve permanent scars that will be my prison. My prison from friends, my prison from oppurtunities, my prison from love and getting close to someone. All because I'm scared to be who I am. WHY?

I NEED TO GET OUT!
Posted by Alana on Tue Apr 24 06:21:15 2001 (#365)

I have to get out of here! I have to leave this place. I hate it here, I hate myself, i can't bear to look at myself and know what I've done. I hate everything about me, and everything that I was and will be. I know this, i always have. I have never been happy with myself. I don't want to be soo sad anymore. I need to get out. I'm so scared! Someone please be with me right now. i can't survive this night alone. I've done it all too often. I'm tired of being alone. I need to be with someone.

Fuck, I'm dead.

Alana

I'm sorry I wasn't here!
Posted by Doris on Tue Apr 24 20:07:09 2001 (#366)

Alana,

I am SO SO sorry but I went to bed last night after my last post on the SI board. I'm sorry I wasn't here for you!!! I'm hoping and praying that you're still alive and that you're okay. Alana, remember what you said - this won't last forever. You can be happy, you just have to let yourself. I know a lot of things are going on in your life right now, but remember "This too shall pass."

Remember that you are God's child. You are beautiful and special and unique. And He loves you for everything that you are. He didn't put you on this earth to kill yourself.

I heard this in a movie - "God gives the most challenges to the strongest spirit. You should take that as a compliment."

You will be better. I used to hate myself, my life, everything. And now I love my life. Trust me, things will get better! AS for being alone, that won't last either. I believe that everyone has their soulmate that they are born to know, to love, and to marry. You will find yours, I know it. All you have to do is be patient.

I know you're tired and drained of energy to live. Just know that I love you and I would miss you SO much if anything happened to you. If that thought keeps you alive for now, then hold on to it. EVentually you will learn to live for your own reasons and not someone else's.

Sorry this is so long, I just wanted to give you a few things to think about. Please PLEASE don't do anything permanent. You are so incredibly strong. You just have to trust in Him. Pray to Him to make the pain go away. "Ask and yee shall receive."

Be well, Alana. Please post telling me you're at least alive because I'm freaking out. Again, I am SO sorry that I went to bed last night and wasn't here for you. I love you, honey. Please remember that. You are not alone.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: I NEED TO GET OUT!
Posted by bARBARA on Thu Apr 26 16:57:44 2001 (#373)

call a helpline!!!

urrghh
Posted by dsfjhashhdsjk on Wed Apr 25 04:44:46 2001 (#367)

It took me 24 years to find someone that felt I was worth living. The pain of sequestation is incomparable to the pain I feel right now. I want to marry the woman I am with. She fell for one of my best friends. This is too much

All I lived for is all I wish to abandon. Alone I can cope. So safe in my own head. So comforted in my own fucked up thought. I am very drunk right now & a razor has passed my flesh, but love cannot now penetrate my skepticism

Love is just too much for me to feel. I long for the days of yearning. The conclusion disproves the theory. Love hurts

love can be very grand, it's worked out badly for me. I do hope you all find love. It's a utopian pleasure in mind. Please make it a reality for yourselves

love

x

Re: urrghh
Posted by Alana on Wed Apr 25 05:13:56 2001 (#368)

I'm sorry. Thanks for writing this, I now understand a bit more. I feel you are worth living. I don't know if that helps. Probably not. Sorry I can't be what you want. I'm not her.

love you, Alana

Re: urrghh
Posted by anona1 on Wed Apr 25 09:15:11 2001 (#369)

alone is always bad...you had the guts to give love a chance...you deserve a lot of credit for that...you know I haven't figured that out yet...

asked my friend tonight to set me up with anyone willing to go out with me...she said I'm too picky and I said just anyone b/c my mom keeps telling me no one would go out with me based on my description...it took a lot to tell someone in real life that...of course I don't expect any takers...ever...it's so depressing...

trying to think of something better to say...what my heart says never seems to matter...it's just like a tomato to everyone else...damn...better things...think

it's been a while since we really spoke and I've felt pretty bad so it's all trying to come out yet doesn't all want to...I don't know...everything's frustrating...

luckily even though you're really hurt, I trust you that you won't kill yourself...it's a really huge step even though it comes from sorrow...everything's just a shame...I feel that too many people care for you for me to matter at all so that's why I've been distant...anyway, I'm still the loser that's stuck alive...I should stop talking about now...x...take care and strength...just don't start picturing any gyrating...

Re: urrghh
Posted by bARBARA on Thu Apr 26 17:01:06 2001 (#374)

if you need to talk I'm at marcel@hilarious.com

yeah
Posted by totally anonymous on Thu Apr 26 10:43:38 2001 (#370)

i'm just too nothing. i would write please help, but there's no point. and now i want to die again. just take me away. i'll go. there's nobody for me. all alone, sand rushing out of a broken glass. quickly

Re: yeah
Posted by bARBARA on Thu Apr 26 17:03:53 2001 (#375)

Hi. So if you would write please help, what kind of help would you need marcel@hilarious.com

Re: yeah
Posted by Doris on Thu Apr 26 18:15:55 2001 (#376)

Tell us what's wrong. Is loneliness the reason you want to die? Because if you're lonely, I've met a lot of great friends on this board and on the SI board here. The people I've met here are one of my reasons to live. Maybe we can be that for you. Stay safe and be well.

Love and strength,

Doris

OMG wot the fuck did i do???
Posted by insignificant other on Thu Apr 26 22:19:04 2001 (#377)

what is this world coming to? what have i done to deserve this? ilay cowering in the corner, my skin getting pale, covered in crimson red. hiding from civilisation, and those i used to trust. they'll never find me here, and if they do, it will be too late. but i can run and run for all eternity, and i'll always end up in my corner. my only friends are the ones in my head, and my only comfort is a razorblade. remember this next time you stare through the bars in the windows, your glassy eyes and emotionless faces slowly burning holes in my soul, i am still there, i can still hear you. i mean nothing to the rest of the world, so why should i mean anything to myself? my life is a meaningless void, i am worthless, a thorn in the side of civilisation. no one will ever love me, i will live and die alone. i'd ask for help, but it's too late, the Tylenol has spoken, and now i must leave. so goodbye, my love to you all, i just pray that you all find happiness before it's too late for you.

insignificant other

Re: OMG wot the fuck did i do???
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 27 05:25:01 2001 (#381)

Please don't leave us. It is never too late for happiness. It's out there for you, all you need is patience. It's hard to wait. Believe me, I know. It's hard as Hell. But, you will be greatly rewarded in the end. Being satisfied with your life, and even enjoying it is the greatest feeling in the world. Just wait for it... please. Don't leave us. I don't even know you and I love you. I truly do. Please stay safe.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: OMG wot the fuck did i do???
Posted by bARBARA on Fri Apr 27 10:51:47 2001 (#383)

there are always gonna be people that don't like you and a lot of them that don't care about you but I can assure you ASSURE YOU that there are always people that like you; I think it's a law or something. It's your job to connect, it's not gonna come on a plate for you (it sure as hell didn't for me) take care and drop by some more and what I wrote I mean with best intentions!

Re: hey, thanx
Posted by insignificant other on Sat Apr 28 15:05:52 2001 (#386)

hey, thanx. i just dunno wot the fuck i'm gonna do. i started cutting again a couple of nights ago after almost 3 months without it. i feel so ashamed,i let everyone down, the one person who believed that i could stop phoned me last night. i was in tears on the phone. she just sat there telling me that i was really strong willed and that if i wanted to stop i could.there was nothing that i could say to her.

Re: hey, thanx
Posted by Doris on Sat Apr 28 21:50:00 2001 (#387)

I stopped for four months and then I cut a few times last week. I felt I had let everyone down too - I could not stop crying. I hated myself for it and I haven't cut since because of how ashamed I was afterward.

Hey, if you want people to talk to everyday, there is an SI board on this site too. People post several times a day - much more often than here. Join us if you want to! :)

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: hey, thanx
Posted by bARBARA on Thu May 3 17:38:03 2001 (#395)

keep in touch with that phone person, they're good for you

I think it's time I said good-bye!
Posted by LoneCutter on Fri Apr 27 04:45:43 2001 (#379)

I've been fighting the never-ending battle of suicidal thoughts, cutting myself, minor suicide attempts, and my depression. I know everybody has A shit load of problems, but some people can deal and cope with them better than others. I got tired of trying, trying for nothing for 3 1/2 years. I've been hospitalized 12 times, and been on all different meds. nothing seems to help. I was doing alright for a couple of weeks, and then BAM! all of a sudden this note, which is kind of my GoodBye. I figured I have some brains and I know where I have to cut to bleed to death, externally and internally. ALL people have a purpose, my purpose was to die and inform people of the hurt and harshfulness of this sick world. I have a really messed-up family. My father left my mom two years ago, because he found out that he was gay. I have 5 brothers and a sister. Four of them are gay, and so is my sister. Everybody in my family raped each other, going down the list of us. Me, being the last, got all the hell. I have been seeing counselors for the last past 2 years and everybody seems to drop me. They say I am too much of a liability for them, or too much to handle. So for once...I WILL HANDLE MYSELF. Goodbye world, goodbye survivors of life. Be kind, and love yourself.

Lone Cutter

Re: I think it's time I said good-bye!
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 27 05:18:28 2001 (#380)

Nobody's purpose is to die. Why do you want to die? Because of your family? It's an interesting story, but you're not your family. You're your own person. You were created for a specific purpose and that is NEVER to die. Six months ago I would have written the same thing - "my purpose is to die" but then I found someone worth living for. It takes time, all you need is patience. Please wait for your happiness, it's waiting for you. I found mine, you can find yours. Don't end your life, change it. Please please don't do anyting permanent. Stay safe and be well.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: I think it's time I said good-bye!
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Fri Apr 27 08:06:36 2001 (#382)

dude, trust me I know where you're coming from, well kinda, but there is no way killing yourself is going to make things right. what is suicide?, a permanent solution to a temp. problem. I know it can seam dark and hopless but try to think of the better things in life, and if that doesn't work then think of the people that would be hurt. I remember when I was in that state as I decided how to die I got a call from a grama of mine and I never even thought how she would have felt. It's not untill you sit down and really think about how many ppl. would be afected untill you can grasp how far this shit reaches. Do me a favor and just relax in bed and think about every friend you've ever had, every person you've ever loved or has loved you, all the teachers who actually cared about your future, and everybody who you ever left some kind of mark on, any kind it doesn't mater. Just as long as you know that they would remember you, and miss you.

Drew

Re: I think it's time I said good-bye!
Posted by bARBARA on Fri Apr 27 10:55:35 2001 (#384)

YOU NEED TO FIND OTHER COUNSELORS

Re: I think it's time I said good-bye!
Posted by LoneCutter on Fri Apr 27 14:52:16 2001 (#385)

Thanks for the incouraging thoughts and words. I have no friends and I never did...nobody to call when I needed somebody to care. I guess I'm selfish and I don't care about other people right now. I hurt too bad...too much. Sorry for being a waste of your time. I cut myself really bad last night, but I didn't die...didn't try. Maybe tonight? Who knows?

Lone Cutter

Re: I think it's time I said good-bye!
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 30 07:04:44 2001 (#388)

How are you? Are you okay? I'm praying you're still with us. Please post. Thanks.

Doris

Re: I think it's time I said good-bye!
Posted by Scott on Tue May 1 17:51:09 2001 (#389)

well....if he wants to kill himself let him, fuck its common sense you idiots, you want to commitsuicide? then DO it...and i bet most of you wont cause your just saying this shit for attention and those of you who do are fucking supidtoo....how could you cut yourself every day you guys/girls must be really fucked in the head or something...Hey guys i am cutting myself...arnt i cool...everyone has something to live for...Lonecutter just cause your family is messed means nothin...i agree that is a sad story but dont kill yourself...ask forGod's help he is ALWAYS there for you...you just have to ask and i promise you he will react

Re: I think it's time I said good-bye!
Posted by gurl on Wed May 2 17:57:01 2001 (#393)

i understand what you are talking about...and i argee with you. the only tghink that i don't agree with is how you said that you should just kill youself.. i cut myself and i have wanted to kill myself before...i do not think that is is cool in the least bit and i don't think that it is just for attention for everyone...some people really have problems. i think that it is really good advice to ask God for help because he will always be there.....

Re: I think it's time I said good-bye!
Posted by carol on Wed May 2 00:17:38 2001 (#391)

hey, i'm new to this but i really am glad that somebody gets where i'm coming from (from your first posting) and you kinda gave me a bit a hope that this message board helps. i've never really done this before but i think it's just might make me feel better even if it's only temporary. thanks for posting that and thanks for reading this... -carol

carol
Posted by Doris on Wed May 2 07:25:37 2001 (#392)

Hey carol! Welcome to this board too!!! :)

hi
Posted by aly on Thu May 3 06:49:45 2001 (#394)

thats it. just saying hi. feeling things out.

well hello back to you too
Posted by bARBARA on Thu May 3 17:42:03 2001 (#396)

question:what's the white stuff in bird poop? answer: that is bird poop,too.

Re: well hello back to you too
Posted by Doris on Thu May 3 17:53:23 2001 (#397)

lol, bARBARA you are too much! You're hilarious.

Welcome, aly, to our little family here. If you feel comfortable we would love to hear your story... but no pressure! :) Stay strong.

Doris

Re: well hello back to you too
Posted by bARBARA on Fri May 4 17:18:49 2001 (#399)

Aaah I'd like to take credit for it and be savvy without bravado.......it's Vonnegut, kurt Vonnegut (say hi Kurt). How's our guardian these days? Got any sun on cheeks?

story/script
Posted by aly on Fri May 4 07:05:41 2001 (#398)

i dont really have a story yet. might soon. i have a history, though. different than a story, somehow. a story is a summary in a sense...a tale. a history is living and personal. so i guess i could take a story script we have all heard and make it my own....but that wont capture my history.

i have a story/script of mood disorders, of medication trials and errors, of inpatient stays, day patient treatments, and out patient therapies. i have a story/script of loving well-intentioned parents that just didnt know how to raise a child amongst all their own scripts and stories. i have the story/script of a dutiful, pbedient, achieving, successful student and athelete that bottomed out one day cathing everyones attention--despite the years and especially recent months of cries for help. i have a script/story of managing my life mmore or less pretty darn good, yet with times of great struggle. im normal. im average. i have a typical story. we all know the words.

doris--thanks for the welcome :) barbra-thanks for the joke :)

my offering of humor: 'what is red and looks like a bucket?'

-a red bucket.

(lame? i like it) ciao

Re: story/script
Posted by bARBARA on Fri May 4 17:28:25 2001 (#400)

You know (hi by the way), your writing is anything but ordinary, and ithis is not lip-service to make you feel better. It's refreshing. You don't have a summary, I conclude that you don't know the big picture. Close? Any way, I like your name(this is lip-service), drop a line some more (otherwise you make Doris and myself worry so much and we have to calm ourselves down). And about yor joke-I LIKE ANY JOKE I GET. Tell us your story when you get it.

disclosure to strangers
Posted by aly on Sat May 5 07:22:41 2001 (#401)

why am i posting on a suicide board? i need to seek strength. its that simple. there have been no past attempts to end my life, but i have tried to stay asleep forever and have bled to feel alive. at 16 it was depression and at twenty bipolar. bipolar type 2 to be percise. im 23 now, by thw way. my longest stable period has been at most 4 consecutive months. that ended about a year ago. i then went kinda manic and am now...well where else can a bipolar person be if not stable and not manic? i am sliding. i am feeling alot like i did a few years back in the thick of my deepest depressive episode (including the start of the psychotic features). i am in a selfish phase and thus my reasons for posting here are mostly for sanity's sake--to keep my hands busy with something. to make a connection. to get through just one more hour.

am i in the right place? do my words make sense? i know i am not alone in these depths. i know i am not an isolated case. im looking for others that understand. im looking for a foothold and a hand grip before i slip any further into the hungry, opening earth.

this is hard to do--write to strangers like this. i feel out of place. i feel like a black rose: a dark presence in the light of life. if this is not a place for somber speak i shall abide and not 'bring you all down'. and in turn, i will not only speak in melancholic tones. though sadness is consumming, i have a happy, carefree, light side in me that i can still just barely call on. and call on i will. with a vengence! (i just hope it works ;)

Re: disclosure to strangers
Posted by bARBARA on Sat May 5 08:00:42 2001 (#402)

You have to do what you have to do. And if it means posting and connecting on Psyke suicide discussion board, so be it.

Re: disclosure to strangers
Posted by aly on Sat May 5 09:22:40 2001 (#403)

how is this board used by others? as support? release? friendship?

how do you use it?

(its 330am here! i should be zzzzz :)

Re: disclosure to strangers
Posted by bARBARA on Sun May 6 08:31:15 2001 (#405)

Well, I use it as support, for myself and others. It's whatever you need, we'll try to provide. And go to bed.

Re: disclosure to strangers
Posted by Doris on Wed May 9 07:00:53 2001 (#410)

aly,

I'm a manic depressive too. And I know how scary it is to feel yourself slipping. I'll be praying for your well-being and safety.

I used to use this board for support. Many people do - to seek a "reason for living" or just some friendly words from people who won't judge them or call them "crazy." I think this is the right place for you. Just post when you're feeling down (never worry about "bringing us down", that's why we're here). I post now just to help those in need. I was diagnosed with manic depression three years ago and have recently been diagnosed with a "full remission", although I don't know how accurate that is, I'll tell ya.

Anyway, welcome to our family and I hope you like it here. The water is warm. :)

Doris

DEATH MIGHT BE BETTER
Posted by XANAX on Sat May 5 21:12:37 2001 (#404)

IT'S AVERY NICE DAY OUT AND I SIT IN MY HOUSE AND THINK ABOUT DEATH.I CAN SEE PEOPLE OUT SIDE AND THEY ALL LOOK SO HAPPY.I WISH THAT I COULD GET ENOUGH ENERGY TO DO SOMETHING.I SIT HERE THINKING ABOUT TAKEING THESE PILLS AND ENDING MY FUCKED UP LIFE.

Re: DEATH MIGHT BE BETTER
Posted by bARBARA on Sun May 6 08:32:10 2001 (#406)

Where do you live

what im really thinking, and afriad to share
Posted by aly on Sun May 6 09:50:44 2001 (#407)

i was thinking bout suicide. a couple days passed with me thinking about it. thinking 'hey i could kill myself' ...then a few silent moments to try to absorb that thought...and then an imeadiate 'ok dont think that i am not at that point. i am good.' then i started really thinking about cutting. i havent cut in about 2 years (well i made several scratches just two nights ago on my chest but nothing like really cutting). i started seeing myself bleeding. then watching my self go through the act of cutting. i started seeing bodies randomly in empty chairs...sometimes hanging from a lampost...that were cut and bleeding. i started trying to recreate mentally past experiences. it had me now. that enticing witch. i imagined my self use the razor blades i still had around. i held them. i wanted more and started started to look at hunting and survival knives online. this is a process of about 2 months now, my mood also progressively darkening. losing sleep, not eating, isolating...its all in line. i sit here now, at 4am after having placed my order on an internet site for a knife crafted by united cutlery (sp) called the negotiator with a 4.9 inch blade and spanish micarta handle and my heart pounding.

Re: what im really thinking, and afriad to share
Posted by girl on Mon May 7 15:08:50 2001 (#409)

please u are a strong person dont do this u deserrve happiness in life there is a life out there waiting for u and ive just rediscovered mine its wonderful.i wish i coud reach out to you and take away the temptation. Stay safe GIRL

Re: what im really thinking, and afriad to share
Posted by Doris on Wed May 9 07:04:24 2001 (#411)

Wow. I'm not going to tell you not to cut, I'm ust going to say BE CAREFUL!!! If cutting is what you need to keep from killing yourself, go ahead. Just don't do it too deep. You don't want to die. I'm positive there are at least 50 people in this world that love you and would miss you with all their hearts. Death is not the answer. Please cheer up. Life sucks sometimes, but that's life - you only get one.... so live it. :)

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: what im really thinking, and afriad to share
Posted by aly on Wed May 9 19:55:04 2001 (#413)

doris--

hey thanks :) ive been around this block lots over the years--personally and with friends/loved ones. id like to say yer msg was refreshing. a 'good' reply. i may borrow a phrase if i need to for someone.

oh and im hanging in. same stuff still going on. its never been this intense and crazy (literally) solid for so long. i wanna whine and complain, but that doesnt really help anything and annoys anyone who sticks aound fo more then 3 mins.

anyhow, thanks. the thought counts.

aly

Re: what im really thinking, and afriad to share
Posted by Doris on Thu May 10 06:48:21 2001 (#415)

I'm glad you liked the message. :) Let me just say that you can say ANYTHING here and you don't have to feel like you're whining. That's why we're here - to vent without fear and to support without judgement. Please feel free to say anything. It's ok if you don't want to share, but I hope you feel comfortable with us. I'll be praying that you'll stay safe and that your life calms down. Stay strong. :)

Love and strength,

Doris

new here
Posted by girl on Sun May 6 15:24:19 2001 (#408)

ive just had my i year suicide attempt anniversary as if its something to celegrate.i dont deserve life i havnt got better yet i should be better by now im just stupid

Re: new here
Posted by Doris on Wed May 9 07:07:33 2001 (#412)

Deserve life? Life's a gift. Often we don't think we deserve the gifts we receive but we accept them with open arms and show gratitude for them, not resentment. This is one gift that we can't exchange, so we better live it to the fullest cuz we only get one.

Sorry for my corniness, but I hope you get the point.

And you've gone one whole year without a suicide attempt. THAT'S something to celebrate. Congratulations and I hope you keep it up. God speed.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: new here
Posted by bARBARA on Tue May 15 19:12:55 2001 (#426)

I sense there black humor. Hi. I'm bARBARA, I come here quite frequently. You feel stupid? I used to, too. These days it's not that my IQ got better but I can make jokes at my expense ans it's a loadoff. God, is this my comforting line? Sorry. Tell you what, if it gets ugly and you can't reach anyone, my email is marcel@hilarious.com. I'm not a shattering intelect, but I can communicate. That's what I needed when I was suicidal anyway, and it wasn't even a month ago. byebye

time zone??
Posted by aly on Wed May 9 19:56:46 2001 (#414)

what the heck time zone (country) is this board in? its 8 hrs ahead of me here.

Re: time zone??
Posted by insignificant other on Tue May 15 20:51:26 2001 (#429)

i dunno, where are u?? it's an hour ahead of me, i'm in London!

lana_11_84@yahoo.com
Posted by Alana on Thu May 10 20:22:47 2001 (#416)

GoodBye Board, I'll never forget you.

It was sweet, while the sweet happened. Now its harsh, its death.

Night Night

Re: lana_11_84@yahoo.com
Posted by david on Fri May 11 00:55:37 2001 (#417)

e-mailed you OK. Hang in there girl. Ring if you need to.

love david

xx

Re: lana_11_84@yahoo.com
Posted by Blue on Fri May 11 01:05:20 2001 (#418)

Alana - I'm here for you. Have sent an email - please read. love Blue xxx

Re: lana_11_84@yahoo.com
Posted by bARBARA on Tue May 15 19:15:11 2001 (#427)

What do you mean you won't forget us. If you die we will be forgot. I can't stand to be forgot.

Re: lana_11_84@yahoo.com
Posted by bARBARA on Thu May 17 14:08:39 2001 (#433)

This email was replaced. It was meant for Alana.

Re: lana_11_84@yahoo.com
Posted by Tara on Fri May 18 00:18:04 2001 (#435)

Alana,

PLEASE tell me that you are still alive girl.have you read my other post on the self injury board???PLEASE read it.i don't want you to die.i care about you.don't leave.you have so much to live for if you would only stay and not kill yourself.like i said,i know how you feel.i have been to the point where i wanted to end it all because i thought that it would be best for everyone.but there are people here that do care about you.i am definetly one of them.PLEASE don't do this girl.i beg you not to.i will help you in any way that you need it.PLEASE E-MAIL ME OR POST A MESSAGE TO ME SO THAT I KNOW YOU ARE STILL HERE.I NEED TO KNOW THAT.PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOVE YOU GIRL,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

Re: lana_11_84@yahoo.com
Posted by Alana on Sun Jun 17 03:56:24 2001 (#519)

HEY!

I didn't write that. Who the fuck keeps writing things with my name on them! SHit guys!

Alana

im scared now .....
Posted by girl on Tue May 15 22:49:55 2001 (#431)

ive been thinking about doing it again i dont want to i dont want to put people through this again this self harm is too much now and i cant take the flash backs their horrible they consume me and i have no concept of anything forr a while, oh someone make these demons go away, it would be easier to die easier if i went on time out, for everyone im no worth the burden that i know i am im just a girl im so sorry please forgive me xxxxx

Re: im scared now .....
Posted by bARBARA on Thu May 17 14:04:21 2001 (#432)

You know you can share you demons with us; mine have a tendency to lose a few pounds when I share them with many people as possible.

Oi
Posted by BloodyWristGirl on Thu May 17 19:18:01 2001 (#434)

This life of mine i can see coming to an end...i cant see a future...if i tried..id be the one in the corner ...in the psych ward....

Re: Oi
Posted by girl on Fri May 18 17:56:21 2001 (#436)

honey there is so much more out there there is a life, a feeling of slf respect and it is all yours, pleease. i wish i could help u or take away these feelings. only u can do it and u can its all yours for the taking! love girl xxxxxx my email is always open to u,

Spank You Much
Posted by BloodyWristGirl on Sat May 19 00:34:23 2001 (#438)

Thanks Much :)

Has anyone heard from Alana?????????????
Posted by Tara on Sat May 19 02:47:21 2001 (#439)

Hey guys its Tara,

i am really worried about Alana.have any of you heard from her?if you have please just tell me that she is still here.she is a friend and i don't want anything to happen to her.it would kill me if anything did.OH!!!!!!BloodyWristGirl,i sent you an e-mail.did you get it?i hope so.i hope you all know that i am here for all of you.anything that you need to get off your chest and talk about,just tell me if you want to and feel comftorable enough totalk to me about what is going on,i am here for you.i know exactly how it is to need someone to talk to and not have anyone there.i was alone without anyone for the first year or so.i have been a very bad self mutilator for 4 years now.i am just getting it back together.i have way over 60 scars on my body and i have to look at them every day and be reminded of the pain that i was in at that time.i know what each scar was done for and why.i have put my family through hell to.they have stuck by me though.that is something that i am very thankful for.i was also raped at 14.that is what started it all.he never got conveted and he lives in the same town as i do.i have to see him driving around and see him look at me and i wonder when he is going to come back and finish me off sometimes,but i do the best that i can to get on with my life.i can't let him get to me because that is want he wants.he wants me to be scared.it is like his way of still having power over me,but i won't let him have it.i have so many times come so close to taking a gun to where he lives and puting him out of his fucking misery.that is the only thing in life that he deserves.nothing more.that or i would cut an inch of skin off his body at a time and put whisky on it,my little way of torture,i have thought of many ways to do away with that mother fucker.i am going to get off this subjet now.i also have to go.just know that i am here for all of you if you need to talk about anything at all.i don't care what you talk about.i will be back on the 20th to post again.write me something OK.......

LOVE YOU ALL,

YOUR FRIEND,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

Re: Has anyone heard from Alana?????????????
Posted by BloodyWristGirl on Sat May 19 16:57:45 2001 (#440)

Yes i got your email i sent you one also......All this fucking anger inside of me that i have held in for so long, because i have no wanted to hurt anyones feelings by yelling or bitching at anyone, has all the sudden BURSTED out of me...i am very sorry to hear about that dude who raped you..i would also want to kill the bastard...well i am gonna go...Buh Bye **Cal

Re: Has anyone heard from Alana?????????????
Posted by bARBARA on Sat May 19 19:02:33 2001 (#442)

I haven't heard from her