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Threads 51 to 75

Delemma
Posted by Kate on Mon Jan 1 16:33:29 2001 (#144)

i really want to end it but I can't becuase of my family. I self harm but that doesn't escape me from the pain.

Re: Delemma
Posted by Doris on Thu Jan 4 17:30:02 2001 (#146)

Hi Kate

I know exactly how you feel...I mean EXACTLY. I have been fantasizing about and planning suicide attempts since I was a kid. But, both my sisters have always told me that if I killed myself, they would kill themselves right after. That's basically the only reason I'm alive today. I just could not let that happen to my family.

I self injured until...16 days ago. I would cut several times a day. The reason I don't now is because I have turned to God. I don't know what religion you are, but it has truly saved me. I just wanted to share that with you.

There is hope - even if you can't or don't want to see it. It's there. There is a purpose for your life and you cannot end it and destroy that purpose. Please find hope. That's the only advice I can give to you. Please be well and happy. ~Doris

Re: Delemma
Posted by Kate on Thu Jan 4 17:33:48 2001 (#147)

Thanyou, I am Greek Orthodox and Unitartian. I am not really religious. But i get what you are saying. I am trying to find the light.

lost
Posted by shaboo on Wed Jan 3 15:19:28 2001 (#145)

some one to understand me just once in my life

Re: lost
Posted by scarlett on Sat Jan 6 09:02:41 2001 (#150)

Shaboo, talk to us...how old are you...whats going on in your life...can't you find someone to talk to in person? You have to find someone, call 1-800-suicide...don't do anything permanent, friend, death is FOREVER and you will leave many behind who will grieve and blame themselves...SOMEONE cares ...I do and I dont even know you...but I have a daughter who is suffering and the only reason she is still here is because she knows how devastated I would be if she leaves...

FIND SOMEONE TO TALK TO.....walk into a hospital and say you are suicidal and need help, anything,,,but find someone ...

good luck...scarlett

here goes...
Posted by darksoul on Thu Jan 11 03:17:45 2001 (#152)

i don't think anybody thinks i'm suicidal. and i'm beginning to think i'm just an overly-dramatic person. but that's the problem. i don't have to be depressed to want to kill myself. i used to though... i used to be able to list all the things that made me want to end my life. now, i just want to die before 25. i'm so afraid of what tomorrow holds. and again, for no apparent reason.

everyday i wake up and see those faces in the street, and everyday i wonder why they readily buy into that happy face that i put on for them. i used to think if i did it often enough, i would begin to believe that i was getting better too. but this self-deluding game has gotten to the point where putting a happy face is a drag. getting out of bed is a drag. even lighting a cigarette is a drag.

sounds familiar, guys?

Re: here goes...
Posted by Lost on Thu Jan 11 07:37:14 2001 (#153)

TOTALLY familiar!!! e-mail me if u want. we can talk maybe...

Kind of simular.
Posted by Stagger Lee on Sat Jan 13 09:07:39 2001 (#162)

Kind of. I hate getting up in the morning. It is one of the worst parts of the day. When you wake up you are taken from a better state of mind and propped back into the real world. In all honesty though I think the worst part of the day is right before you go to sleep. Having to think about everything that goes on in your life. About being over dramatic. I don't know I tend to think that I myself am as well.

Re: here goes...
Posted by Doris on Sun Jan 14 03:57:40 2001 (#164)

I know EXACTLY how you feel. Ever since I was a kid I have imagined myself dead by the age of 25 (it was weird you mentioned that same age). I still don't see myself living that long. I don't want to wake up tomorrow, and I didn't want to wake up today. I know that each day brings more and more misery and yet I continue to truck along, and I start to wonder why I bother.

I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in your feelings. I am here if you want to talk.

Re: here goes...
Posted by Strider on Mon Jan 15 12:51:36 2001 (#166)

I can relate. Especialy with the list and the age setting. When the depression gets so extreme that it's not even depression anymore, but actually becomes who you are, things are pretty bad. I think that people believe the happy face because that way they don't have to care. I't as though they just say "oh, that person's happy, so there's no reason to give a crap". It's generaly a sucking situation. Hope you feel better. Keep us current with postings.

prayers, Colin

Here is where I stand. My chance to wine I guess..
Posted by Stagger Lee on Thu Jan 11 17:01:54 2001 (#158)

Well Hello everyone. I don't want to start anything or seem like a jerk I apologize if I come accross that way. I know I have it good compared to a lot of people. I try telling myself this a lot anyway. I am here because I spend most of my time trying to think of one good reason not to. I hate my life I hate who I am I even hate how I look. I come from a very good family my father is a good man who works really hard to support his family. He's an electrician. I actually worked for him for a short period of time but it was awful. I hated it. Not because of him. But because of my inability to find interest. My mother is great I know she loves me and I of course love her. I think that the tought of hurting them is the only reason I havent successfully killed myself. I spend most of my time depressed and even at work I always feel low. I some times feel so low that I have trouble breathing and feel like my chest is caving in. I have a lot of friends. One of which I feel like I am sucking the life out of. I normally dont go a day without hanging out. I am not attractive at all and I do not have a girlfriend. As a matter of fact one of the things I think of often is a girl I really liked use to call me up and hang out a lot. She met one of my friends and due to his appearance decided to got out with him and stop hanging around me because she felt that It would be hard on me hanging out still. She told me she didnt want to get into a serious relationship and although she enjoyed my company far above his she was only looking for a quick "thing". I know that's petty pathetic but that is not the only reason I think of it there is just so much going on and worst of all I always feel alone and I know that I will be alone for the rest of my life. Whe I was younger I went to a party at my friend's house. Being that he moved and now lived 3 hours away I decided to spend the night. Any way I got pretty trashed and after everyone was asleep I woke up kind of hazy and took his fathers cabnet of medications. Over 30 perscription sleeping pills and a thing of heart med. I passed out and woke up in the emergency room of a hospital where I woke up and they were forcing this black grain shit down my throat trying to get me to puke. It worked I mean I am still here. The second attempt I was fully conscience and noone was home so I tried pills again with simular results. My sister's friend found me and drove me to the Emergency room. This time they put me into thearapy and it was really important to me that my mother not find out. Years before. I mean even before my first attempt I got into a long heated argument with her. Over something supid. I was being made fun of in school and didn't want to go back. (I was young and fucking stupid). A few days later she tried unsuccessfully thank god to kill herself. I think if she had succeeded I wouldn't be here boring you today. It turned out it was over our financial situation she thought we were losing the house and she thought that she was making my father's life difficult. My father took this pretty hard. He doesnt and didnt drink but he was torn apart very visibly. At that time I spent a lot of time with my cousin who has always sort of been my idol. He tried his best to tell me everything was going to be all right ect. BUt try telling that to someone who blames himself. Not being smart enough to see the whole picture myself. I know I am rambling but this is what is on my mind and I have wanted to talk but not with friends or anything I dont think they would be able to understand and I sure as fuck am not going back into therapy. Anyway I started hanging out with him again for years watching movies just showing up ect. Now I find myself doing it again. He was in a very successful local band and when he got sick (MS) he litterally just gave up he quit his band. You have to understand that music was his life. I remember trying to console him because his 4 year gf kicked him out he lost his job and had no will to play music anymore. I spend a lot of time worried that he is going to kill himself. Just talking to him you get the feeling he has been considering it. I am sorry to bor everyone like this. There is a hell of a lot more but I dont want to talk any more. I think I am making myself feel a lot worse. I hate my life I really do I hope I dont piss anyone off by typing this all out. Sorry just dont lay into me to badly okay. I will probably type more later if you guys are unlucky enough.

Re: Here is where I stand. My chance to wine I gue
Posted by Lost on Thu Jan 11 19:14:22 2001 (#161)

You don't bore me at all. Actually, i want to hear more....

and about having it better than most people-but still wanting to die.... I don't think that has anything to do with it. Everyone goes through different things- and they react to them different ways. Some people can go through horrible things and want to die and other people can go through those same things and the thought of suicide would NEVER cross their mind. Everyone is different. ANNNNDD depression a lot of the times has to do with a chemical inbalance and NOT a result of your past or present life.

I've been through 2 overdoses also... same thing happened to me as happened to you. BUT my mom didn't try to kill herself or anything... BUT instead she pushed me away and she doesn't even really talk to me anymore (and we live in the SAME house-- but she acts like i dont exist) even tho the attempts were like 2 years ago.

Anyway............ e-mail me or something.... I still want to hear more of your story :)

looking over my message the irony is
Posted by Stagger Lee on Sat Jan 13 09:11:11 2001 (#163)

looking over my message the irony is the fact that I can't talk to my best friends or parents but I am willing to talk to people I dont know. I dont think this is a good thing. I am not looking for sympathy. I am not really sure what I am after to be perfectly honest.

Re: Here is where I stand. My chance to wine I gue
Posted by Strider on Mon Jan 15 12:40:54 2001 (#165)

Stagger, I can sympathise. I've always been unattractive and shunned by girls. The feeling of being alone even when surrounded by people is horrible. The only thing worse is deciding that you'll always be alone. Things just get worse and worse the longer you feel this way. I know for me that not being able to find a girl that likes me is crushing. And hey, never feel like you're being a jerk just because you're saying how you feel. I'm new to these message boards (the suicide and SI) but it seems that every one here cares. Keep posting and stay alive.

prayers, Colin

Just incase you post here....
Posted by Strider on Sun Jan 21 07:08:43 2001 (#167)

I check the PSYKE site often now, and noticed that not many people post often on this board. If anyone posts here and needs a quick response, try the self injury board for people, because people post there more frequently. To whoever reads this, please stay alive.

prayers to whoever comes here, Colin

eternal sleep
Posted by AJ on Wed Jan 24 19:16:32 2001 (#169)

i am new to this board and i have been reading some of the messages here and i can relate to so many of them. i am 14 and i have self injured for 3 years and i dont see an end in the future, i have always thought that death is so interesting and mysteriouse i think about it all the time i imagin what it might feel like to kill myself, but as yet i have never tried it. i have only told a few people i feel like this and i just feel like i need some one to love and care for, i need a light at the end of this dark tunnel, a ray of hope but i cant see it, i have been blinded by the ever lasting darkness. where ever i look nothing but blackness, where is my light??????????

Re: eternal sleep
Posted by KAT on Sat Jun 9 17:19:26 2001 (#506)

Hi...I care. I don't know you, but I totally understand what your saying. I am 16..some of the people on this discussion board might be a bit older. I know it means nothing when people tell you to stop cutting and stuff but if you continue it will only get worse, sounds to me you love living. I love living too and I love myself, although may 7th I tried to comit suicide. I always told myself I would NEVER do that..but I did. Please just know that things can only get better from here , so be safe. love J.

this advice helped me when I was feeling suicidal!
Posted by pippa on Thu Jan 25 21:15:39 2001 (#170)

I had to watch my family struggling to come to terms with my brother's death. It was very sudden and none of us had been expecting it. I became very ill; I stopped eating and lost three stone in two months. I was dangerously thin. My dad walked out on us and had to take a job miles away because he couldn't face what had happened. It has taken me nearly five years to come to terms with what happened that night. I will never really know for sure because although my sister watched it happen I can't ask her because I am scared of watching her cry or hurt herself again. Once she’s gone I will never be able to find out what happened. It is horrible not understanding why someone you loved so much did what they did. Even if you wrote a note explaining why, it is unlikely that anyone would truly be able to understand why. If you were to see me and my brothers you would realise how hard it is. I have learnt a lot, through my past experineces, as well as some info I picked up from my friends. I am going to tell you a few home truths. 1) If you go ahead with this you will always be remember as the person who tried to commit suicide (or worse as the person who killed themself), instead of being remembered for the good things. 2) You end up at hurting everyone else more than you hurt yourself. However you do it, it would be over quickly, and although it would hurt like nothing else you have ever felt before, there would be no turning back and the light would go out. For everyone else, they are left with a huge fucking lifetime without you. 3) Have you ever had a day when you have never smiled once? (And be honest the answer is no. You have smiled everyday). What made you smile? Something did! If would be pointless throwing all of that away. 4) No one knows what the future holds. If you had asked me last year I wouldn’t have believed my life would be how it is now. In fact, if you had asked an eight-year-old me what the fuck I would be doing when I was 13, I’d say I thought I’d be dead by then, but things have got better since then 5) You wouldn't be ruining your life but that of your parents. If anyone you care about has died, think how bad you felt, and then think what your friends and family would feel like. Everyone else is left with a lifetime without you, and some of them probably couldn’t cope. 6) It will be worth it once you have sorted your self out and got some help in doing it. The only way out is to talk to someone. And you have already started with me. The right person to talk to is often the person you least expect. I found Mrs Davies. Someone I had hated for three years. All she did was listen and offer to help. But I knew I could trust her. Try writing things down. Things always seem less important if you can see them all. Try and make 50 different reasons. It is much harder than it sounds. 7) What if it fails? You would be left with a worse situation, and everything would be fucked up completely. By law the hospital would have to tell the school, the local authority and your family. You would have your parents tip toeing around you, not letting you go out in case you tried again. Once a week you would have to see a counsellor who would sit there with a sickly sweet smile on their face. They would try to analyse every bit of your life. It isn't very nice having to spend time with a stranger who wants to know everything about you. All the teachers would have to know what had gone on. It would be hard to start again and rebuild you life. Trust me I know what I am talking about. I had to watch me best friend at Waldegrave go through it. She was just like you very clever with a lot of potential for the future. By the time she left secondary school she hadn't even got the five C's she needed to go to College. It was impossible for her to rebuild her life. Everyone (I think even me) treated her differently because all they could think of when they saw her was 'she's the girl who tried to kill herself'’. I've also been there myself. 8) I know haw bad you must feel to want to end your life, I’ve only just got out of it. Imagine that you’re on a beach, and it represents your life. When bad things happen to you, or you feel upset, you start digging a hole, as other things go wrong, you keep digging, until you find that you are stuck. You can’t get out of the hole yourself; the only way to get out is to let someone else help you. You need to find a friend who is older than you, not just a few years, but someone who’s lived part of their life already, someone that’s experienced more than you. Keep talking to people your own age. That was where I went wrong. I found someone to talk to, and then I gave up on all my friends, and I had to go back to them later and try to explain why I had been ignoring them, and not taking the help that they were offering me. When I threatened to commit suicide, my best friend took the pills I had shown him and, to stop me taking them, he took them all himself. He thought they would just be some shitty little painkillers, but I didn’t tell him, they were ecstasy. He took all 26 of them and ended up in intensive care. He was in a coma for six months and never woke up. I blame myself for his death because I was the one that he had taken the pills for, if I hadn’t threatened to take my own life, he would never have taken his. I know what I’m talking about. I have experienced so much in my 17 years. My mum died of cancer last year; my brother and three best friends committed suicide; my uncle, aunt, grandma and grandpa have all died; and I held my friends six year old sister in my arms as she died of leukaemia. All this has made me feel like shit. There are so many things I’ve left out. They don’t all matter, but all I want to say is that there is no point ending you life, things can get better, you just have to give your life a chance.

Re: this advice helped me when I was feeling suici
Posted by Someone on Fri Mar 2 20:28:35 2001 (#194)

I have no words for it...

Re:feeling suicidal
Posted by nicole on Mon Jan 29 06:37:45 2001 (#171)

hello,

I am trying not to take all the pills in my house. I have already drank most of the red wine in my house. why do i feel so hopeless? will this feeling ever end? i don't even know what is making me feel so bad other than the knowledge that i am unworthy of the goodness around me. please e-mail me so i will know there is more than this blackness.

Re:feeling suicidal
Posted by Strider on Mon Jan 29 09:04:46 2001 (#172)

There is a way...

prayers, Colin

Re:feeling suicidal
Posted by minsay on Tue May 29 03:06:35 2001 (#474)

Hello Nicole, I know just what you are going through i used to go through it ever day. feeling hopeless,like no-one cared for me ,that i cant do anything right, but you know what i did i went and talked to some about my probles and It REALLY helped me to get through the hard time. NOw i am happy i've got friends that help and i know that they love me. I am sure that you have lots of people that love you and would be really upset if anything happened to you. if you need to talk just send me an E-mail. remember to always look on the bright side luv minsay

damnit all to hell
Posted by Amy on Tue Jan 30 07:02:14 2001 (#173)

i've attempted suicide bout a year ago. i was suppose to die. but my damn parents heard me fall. damnit it all. i tryed the stupid meds. i've tried the docs. i've tried the nut house where they take away your freedom. i pushed it all away. i said no. it just didn't work for me. so here i sit cutting up my arms. i started stocking up on sleeping pills. i have 3 boxes so far. i figured one more box and i'll be set. ready and raring to go. i'm actually excited. i just can't wait for that eternal sleep. no feeling. no breathing. no nothing. just complete and udder darkness. absolutely nothing. god it just seems so beautiful. i can't wait. i really can't wait.

Re: damnit all to hell
Posted by Pippa on Mon Feb 5 19:28:12 2001 (#174)

please don't do anything stupid. its not worth it, whatever has happened to you, or whatever is making you feel bad, isn't worth dying for. sure, tis the end of all your pain, but what about after death? commiting suicide, however you do it, might hurt lioke nothing you've ever experienced before, but after that, theres nothing. you're gone, and everyone else is left with a lifetime without you. theres nothing anyone else can do. it's got to be your decision. please don't kill yourself, by telling people, i'm guessing that you don't really want to die that much. you're hoping that someone will try and stop you, and the only way i can stp you is by asking you PLEASE DON'T DO IT!

you can email me whenever, and i'll always be willing to offer advice, i've been through so much, i've tried to connit suicide before, and I've had to help one of my closest frineds through it all, when she was in a psychiatric ward.

luv Pippa

f*ck this place
Posted by black rose on Mon Feb 12 01:16:30 2001 (#175)

F*CK this place I cant stand it...I'm bleeding from almost everywhere now...BYE!

Re: f*ck this place
Posted by Strider on Mon Feb 12 07:06:13 2001 (#176)

Rose, I just read this post, if you can see this, PLEASE talk to me! I'm on AOL Instant Messanger with the name "UndeadLine", and I'm on MSN Intstant messanger as Colin. Please talk to me! Check your e-mail too!

Í'm praying that you're alive
Posted by Strider on Mon Feb 12 07:16:42 2001 (#177)

I'll be on for another half hour (it's realy late here) but then I have to go. PLEASE, e-mail me and let me know how you are! I hope and pray that you live to read this.

praying that you're alive to read this, Colin

Re: Í'm praying that you're alive
Posted by black rose on Mon Feb 12 21:41:12 2001 (#178)

Colin you can call me Christine or Chris...black rose is just a name I use when I post messages on websites! I lived yestaday...I had 15 tylenol and passed out on my floor...nothing 2bad happened...just dizziness and I couldnt think or walk right for a few hours after I woke up! I was expecting to die but I guess I didnt make it...I cant talk right now and I'll try to im you if I can. buh byes, Christine

Valentines' Day
Posted by black rose on Wed Feb 14 02:25:07 2001 (#179)

For all of you lonely on Valentines' Day I'm always here w/hugs and kisses to comfort ne 1 of you, just don't b lonely 'cuz there is always someone that cares and will be there for you!!! xoxoxo!!!

buh byes, Christine

~Happy Valentines' Day~

hello?!?!?!?!?
Posted by black rose on Fri Feb 16 02:20:24 2001 (#180)

y doesnt ne one post messages 2 much on this board?

welll....
Posted by Strider on Fri Feb 16 06:25:16 2001 (#181)

It seems that this board is more for "please help me right now" posts. For when you get so low that it's about over. The SI board is more like the "I'm cutting, feeling bad, and need someone who will listen to me" posts. This board isn't much of a talking board it seems. I check it every night to see if anyone needs help though. Actually, one night I had a chance to help someone because of checking it. It's too bad really, because if someone posted here and really needed help, it might be to late when somebody finaly reads it.

Re: welll....
Posted by black rose on Fri Feb 16 21:45:13 2001 (#182)

well this might be one of those times for me! buh byes, Christine

Arghhh....
Posted by Strider on Sat Feb 17 08:14:08 2001 (#183)

I wish I could catch these posts earlier! I hate seeing these posts and noticing that I'm only reading them way after what I write could have done some real good. Must be because of the time zone I'm in. Also I can't really go online during the day because the family doesn't want me to. Oh well.Just know this: if I read it I will respond to it. If I haven't responded it means that I haven't read it yet. Hope I've been of some help anyways.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Arghhh....
Posted by blackrose on Mon Feb 26 01:42:47 2001 (#184)

this isnt the first message board I've gone to...and I hate getting the messages to late...cause it makes me feel helpless when I dont even get a chance to talk to them!

AAAAHHH!
Posted by chanel on Mon Feb 26 04:48:21 2001 (#185)

y does life suck!? this is it, i tried last yr but htis is it. i've got everything i need, razors, tylenol, E, everything i need. its so obvious that no one really cares, and if i dont care either then whats the point of going on...? there isnt one well this is it, bye

Re: AAAAHHH!
Posted by Strider on Mon Feb 26 07:15:21 2001 (#186)

Oh chanel, listen to me! Don't do it! If you're reading this right now, I'm on the MSN instant messenger right now, and my AOL instant messenger name is UndeadLine, so please contact me! Please... don't end this.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: AAAAHHH!
Posted by Doris on Tue Feb 27 16:55:08 2001 (#189)

Please, chanel, don't give up. I don't know what advice I can give you other than there is a point. There is a purpose for my life and your own. There is a reason you're going through this. You WILL be a better person for it. Trust me. I was there a few months ago and I have completely turned around since then. Please just have hope for your future. When you lose hope you lose the desire to go on. Please have hope. Please have peace within you. There is a reason for this, and when it's all over you'll be such a better person. Remember, chanel, "This too shall pass." God speed.

why
Posted by xXx on Tue Feb 27 16:37:58 2001 (#187)

Why don't my friends understand me? Why are they just thinking I'm fucked up in my head.Why do i wanna kill myself, when i have no reason to do it. I've got people who care, so why am i feeling like this????

Re: why
Posted by Doris on Tue Feb 27 16:50:10 2001 (#188)

I know how you feel. It's like on the ourside everything seems fine. When you hear that someone is suicidal you assume that they were beaten as a kid or have some other horrible past. But my past was fine, no abuse or anything, completely normal. And I had great friends who would do anything for me. So, why did I still feel that way? I came to the understanding that it was nothing external that was causing my depression. When you have everything going for you on the outside and you still feel this way, it means that it's coming from within.

If you're not already involved in it, I suggest you try counseling. It helped me target and deal with my internal problems. If your friends don't understand you then I think you should talk to someone who will. Just know that you're not alone.

Re: why
Posted by Strider on Wed Feb 28 01:17:21 2001 (#191)

Oh xXx, I've found that no matter how many people that you have caring about you, it can still fell like everything's hopeless. It's all internal. I know that it's hard to see sometimes, but you are MUCH bettter off alive. E-mail me, OK? Also I'm on the AOL Instant Messenger as UndeadLine as well as the MSN IM as well. If you catch me online, talk to me! Try and hold on, OK?

love and prayers, Colin

Re: why
Posted by Davina on Sun Mar 4 19:38:11 2001 (#206)

Why do you say that your friends don't understand you? I am a friend of yours. Maybe not a close friend but still... You are the only person I know in my environment who I can talk to without judging me. I know I'm not much of a help for you. If you feel like you can't talk to my, PLEASE just say it and I will try to understand you. We both won't to commit suicide so in a way, you and I are the same. Remember I am always there for you...

Davina

P.S.: Ge weet dak ui geirne zie en dak alles zoe doene om ui te verstaan. (Dutch)

if you want to talk...
Posted by Doris on Tue Feb 27 17:05:45 2001 (#190)

Hello everyone

A few months ago I hit my lowest low. I was self-injuring every day, several times a day. I was ready to kill myself. I would even stop when I crossed the street to see if a car would hit me. I just want everyone to know that I was going through this, and I have since been reborn.

I got through it, and I'm not sure how. I had incredibly supportive friends that helped me through it and, thank God, a wonderful family that rallied circles around me while I was trying to get through it.

I know a lot of you are all alone - you have no close friends, or you have no family. I just want you to know that I am hear to talk if you want to. I've been told that I'm good at calming people down when they're very upset. Please just think about it. I'm not saying I have the answers or the solutions to your problems, but I'll be here to hold your hand or to cry with you. I've been through Hell and back and now I want to help others get through it. Please have hope and faith.

My AIM screen name is SlippersAngel.

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding." ~ Kahlil Gibran

God speed.

Doris

Re: if you want to talk...
Posted by joe on Thu Mar 1 16:52:51 2001 (#192)

i'm glad you are feeling better! tell us all the secret of your success. bye

my secret
Posted by Doris on Fri Mar 2 06:30:31 2001 (#193)

Hi Joe There was no one thing that saved me. It was a combination of the love and support from my friends and family, and the inner srength to admit to myself and to others that I had a serious problem. Once I could confess to my parents my problem, they loved and supported me like never before.

Although the support of others really helped me through this, I do believe that it's all internal. It doesn't matter how happy someone makes you if you can't first make yourself happy. I hope and pray that you, Joe, and everyone else that writes and reads this board, are healthy and well. You only get one life, so live it. Please. God speed. Doris

White lies
Posted by Barbara on Fri Mar 2 22:13:35 2001 (#195)

I'm eager for just about anything that'll say, you know, that anything is better than suicide. I love it in the movies when they go "you have so much to live...you don't have to do this.." and yadda yadda yadda. I want to hear it, I want to read it. I want tomething to convince me that I am just like anyone else.

Sometimes it gets just so damn hard. They say in the papers that the suicidal make the decision in an instant. Like they have a really rotten day and they flip. I wouldn't know about it. In my case, it's the hopelessness, knowing that hanging in there for a day or another year doesn't make any difference. I'm looking for reasons to stay for quite a while. I can't live for sunrises or college or kids I see playing in kindergardens or books. (I tried. It didn't work.) Things don't get better and time heals zit.

You guys know American Beauty? I think it's hilarious. If only I could have someone. That movie was right, about the beauty. It's not so much its quantity but the harrowing fact that I cannot be a part of it. Watching the good stuff and knowing that moments don't return. I've never experienced a worse feeling than having no memories, nothing to look back to. I leave no footprints. I have a looming fear of abandonment and isolation. I feel stuck like I did for past nine years. I've come upon Clapton's lyrics and personalized them a bit.

Lord, how long have I got to keep on running, Seven hours, seven days or seven years? All I know is, since that spring evening I feel like I'm drowning in a river, Drowning in a river of tears. Drowning in a river. Feel like I'm drowning, Drowning in a river.

Does anyone think about what would othere people think about them if they killed themselves? I do it all the time. What would my beloved profesor think? Would he feel guilty, since he knows I’m messed up? Would I want him to? Or the schoolmates that I don’t know. Would they give it a second thought? Or a elementary schoolmate, who grew into a kind man? I wonder all the time. Is there something, genuinely something I can do to save myself. Because most of the time it feel like I’m just postponing, living in denial and looking for something, anything. Anyone. I just needed to get it off my chest

Re: White lies
Posted by blackrose on Fri Mar 2 23:19:36 2001 (#196)

I dont exactly know what to say...but u r gonna b missed if u do something stupid...u r important and I hope u read this...I dont need to know u to say this cuz I know everyone is special...everyone is needed....and everyone is loved and wanted. if u need to talk ne time just im me or e-mail me. my sn is... twistedpsycho13@aol.com! Christine

Re: White lies
Posted by Barbara on Sun Mar 4 12:32:57 2001 (#203)

tanx

Re: White lies
Posted by Strider on Sat Mar 3 05:35:04 2001 (#197)

You want to hear it? well you have so much to live for...things will be better...lighten up!... but you know what? All of those things are hollow. I will telll you one thing that isn't. I care about you. I've never met you, but I care about you. The thougts you have now, have gone through my mind over and over for the past seven years. There is hope! I know there is! I found it, and you can too. e-mail me Barbara. Please.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: White lies
Posted by Barbara on Wed Mar 7 16:57:33 2001 (#220)

ugh I forgot to thank you

Re: White lies
Posted by Kate on Sat Mar 24 09:43:43 2001 (#295)

I am new to this message board. I was looking through here and decided to read tis entry. I have felt the way that you do many times. On top of suicidality I am also Bipolar. I wanted you to know that everyone around you would feel the pain of the loss of your life. They say that for every suicide it directly affects 10 people and indirectly affects 50. Take care...Hope that you feel better soon.

my advice
Posted by Doris on Sun Mar 4 01:10:28 2001 (#198)

My advice

When nothing is going your way, when you can't find a reason to stay, when all hope and energy is gone, and all you've had is sadness all along.

When you see disappointment any way you look, and yours is the oldest story in the book, when you look left and right and can't find enough, it's then time, everyone, to look up.

Find your hope in the Lord, find everything you need, nothing else is reliable, nothing else makes you free. You will find happiness, you will find love, you will find strength and guidance from Him up above.

I'm not trying to sound wise, but this is the only thing I can advise. Do you really want to stay this blue? Trust me, it saved me and it can save you.

God speed, Doris

Re: my advice
Posted by Barbara on Sun Mar 4 12:30:23 2001 (#202)

I can't live off hope. I tried , it doesn't work.

Re: my advice
Posted by Doris on Sun Mar 4 23:21:33 2001 (#209)

Hope kept me alive. I thought it would work for everyone but I guess not. My theory is that if you see a future - one that is different and better than the pain you feel now - then you will no longer want to die. I found this feeling through God.

Tell me your story, Barbara. I want to know how hope didn't work for you. I am curious as to what else you have tried. Have you tried looking to God? If not, that's cool. I'm just trying to tell you what worked for me. Be well, Barbara. God speed.

Doris

Barbara story
Posted by Barbara on Tue Mar 6 16:44:13 2001 (#212)

What is wrong with me is that I live with a barrier and I don't know how to put it down. When I am in public, I don't feel. I cannot feel; if I try to and force myself, the barrier only streightens. I guess it's a defence system I created in the early teens. It has a will of its own.Only when I am alone, I can feel. The switch is instant and automatic. When I'm with people I act; I don't know how not to when around people. If I force to be myself I become a hypocrit and a nincompoop.

Because of this wall I am alone. I don't know what a touch is like. I imagine intimacy from books and movies. I don't know what's it like not to feel lonely in college. I hide behind books. Which is ironic because I have serious problems with studying.

When I look back at my life it doesn't look like a human life at all. There are rolling two tracks. One, concious one, is my public life and the other, non-human, that sometimes emerges from the subconciousness and that's when I don't know my arse from elbow. Looking at the second, there is unexplicable, Atlantises, Jack the Rippers, Twilight zones, everything mangled and disfunctional.

I think I am like this because of my father. He is more of a businessman than a devout father. He didn't hurt me physically; he is someone who laughed at me when I cried.

And if I could put in one sentence what I always wanted in life, it's a father figure. But it's like this, I'm stuck. Although I dream about it all the time, I think I don't really want to be helped because if I would, I'd get help. I always went to the wrong people. The wrong friend, the wrong psychiatrist, and the worst, a profesor. I don't go to the friend that I know would do all she could to help me. Why? Because I'd have to open myself. And I wouldn't know about that.

But even if I went to her—what could she do? I'd tell her everything in a nonchalant voice. She'd take me with her to hang with her friends, she'd phone me more and things like that. And it doesn't work; I've tried. I don't connect. What it does is I watch the million beautifull things I miss out and that is the worst feeling.

That's why I'm suicidal. I like to pretend when I go to bed that I took a handful of aspirins with vodka on a day-old empty stomach and that I'm falling asleep into tranquility. It helps me fall asleep.

And about god—I think I see him (or her) a dozen times a day. I see but I don't feel. I don't connect.

Re: Barbara story
Posted by Doris on Tue Mar 6 18:06:50 2001 (#214)

Wow. I have never heard a story like that. And I wish I knew what to say. The only thing I can think of to say is that I sincerely hope that you can find a will to go on. Because you will be missed if anything happens. I can also tell you that I'm always here if you want to talk. I understand your inability to connect with people, but maybe if it's over the computer you won't have to. I just don't want you to feel alone. It's the worst feeling in the world. I just want you to know that I'm here whenever you need me. Okay? I wish I knew what more to say. I just don't have any experience with a story such as yours. Please don't feel alone. I'm here. Please remember that. Be well and happy, Barbara. God speed.

Doris

Thank you
Posted by Barbara on Tue Mar 6 19:44:49 2001 (#215)

Is it a strange story? I've never really told it that way. Thank you for the words. God speed.

Re: Thank you
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 7 02:38:11 2001 (#216)

You're welcome, Barbara. Email me or IM me (SlippersAngel) ANY time you need to talk. Remember that you're not alone. Be well and happy. Please! :) God speed.

Doris

anyhthing to live for?
Posted by sarah on Sun Mar 4 06:17:46 2001 (#199)

Hey people. Do you think everyone has something to live for or are some people just doomed to be unhappy forever and acommplish nothing? Sometimes I feel like I don't have a purpose and continueing living would be a waste of time

Re: anyhthing to live for?
Posted by Strider on Sun Mar 4 07:18:14 2001 (#200)

There is something to live for! There's so much! If you can read this, IM me, OK? If you're not, just know that there is something to live for, you just have to look and you'll find it.

love and prayers, Colin

by the way
Posted by Strider on Sun Mar 4 07:21:09 2001 (#201)

My AOL Instant Messenger name is UndeadLine.

Re: anyhthing to live for?
Posted by Barbara on Sun Mar 4 12:40:22 2001 (#204)

I don't know. It seems to me that whether I have a purpose is something I decide myself. And I suck at it.

Re: anyhthing to live for?
Posted by Davina on Sun Mar 4 19:25:11 2001 (#205)

I always think that some people are just borned to die. I know everybody eventually dies but I really think some people are not ment to be in this world. Maybe if this world wasen't such a fucking awful place, nobody would feel suicidal.

Davina

P.S.: I apologize for my bad english

It never goes away
Posted by Samantha on Sun Mar 4 21:31:55 2001 (#207)

I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe its because you all seem like understanding people. I'm not expecting anyone to understand my situation...frankly its not all that bad. I know I'm acting irrationally, i know I think irrational things...but I don't care. I'm 19, in college, and I have close friends and family. I don't work, I don't drive, I basically, and meaninglessly float through my life seemingly happily to everyone else. Still, everytime I get the chance to focus on my life..I can only think about how I want to end it. I began writing suicide notes when I learned to write. I remember wrting one in the second grade. I've lived with this feeling that I am worthless practically all my life. I don't know where it came from. People love me, I can love people.....but thats just not enough to make me want to live. I have goals, sure, people laugh at them, but I'm devoted to them. It just seems like nothing is working out. I always said, life wuld get better when i got into college and stuff, but it never did. Frankly, I'm getting sick of feeling this way, and I honestly, firmly, from the bottom of my heart beleive that no one can help me. I was just wondering if anyone else ever felt this way. Everyone where i live thinks you're crazy for even condsidering suicide. My friends would make fun of me if they had any idea about how many times I've just downed a bottle of pills and woke up unaffected. I've done that about 3 times in my life...I must be using the wrong pills. I'm not looking for anyone to help me stop feeling this way...i just wanted to know if I'm the only one who feels this way. I am a total spoiled brat, I know that. If I discussed this with anyone in my neighborhood, they'd just tell me that suicide will put you in hell and to be thankful to god for all i have. Well, I am very thankful to God...I just can't handle it anymore. Frankly, I already think I've been through hell in this life...I highly doubt God would send me to hell in the next one. Thanks to all that reply.

Samantha

Re: It never goes away
Posted by Doris on Sun Mar 4 23:15:30 2001 (#208)

When I was reading your message it looked exactly like something I could have written a few months ago. You are not alone, Samantha. I was right where you are. When you're busy doing things you seem to be happy, but when you're left alone to think about your life... you just want to die. Believe me I know that feeling.

There is love in your life but no hope. Hope is what keeps us alive. It's the reason I'm alive today. I have never, since I was a kid (I wrote my first suicide note in sixth grade) pictured myself living beyond 25. Once you can hope for a future you no longer want to die. There is a future for you.

And, if I read right, you believe in God, so you must believe that he has a plan for you. You just have to put your life and your future in His hands and TRUST and HOPE that everything will be okay. It will, Samantha. You say you've been through Hell in this life... if that's true that it can only get better. The only place you can go is up. Just hope, Samantha. Hope. God speed.

Doris

Re: It never goes away
Posted by blackrose on Sun Mar 4 23:59:32 2001 (#210)

Samantha, I'm a self injurer and I've tried 4 times in my life already to kill myself...the worst I've gotten was pasted out on the floor w/blood everywhere...I'm not even in college yet...not even close!I wrote suicide notes all the time! my mom would find um...read um...start laughin...show my dad and sibs...and everyone would start to laugh at me and all I could do was cut! (i can't even cry ne more) sometimes I would just feel like a complete failure and get so fucking mad that all the tylomol didnt kill me and my family would laugh at my depression cuz they didnt even take the time to even relize that something was wrong...they dont even wanna admit to it now! my life is hell and sometimes I just want it to end but I know it's not right but I dont care...I hope u read this bcuz u will b missed if u do something "stupid"...ur wanted and dont ever forget about that..I do too many times and am scarred for life everywhere on my body bcuz of it! please im or write me! Christine

Re: It never goes away
Posted by Strider on Mon Mar 5 02:10:47 2001 (#211)

Samantha, I have felt that way, and much more. If you read this, please e-mail me, OK?

love and prayes, Colin

Re: It never goes away
Posted by Barbara on Tue Mar 6 16:50:18 2001 (#213)

Well, I'm in college too, I feel worthless too. Drop a line if you feel like it.

I'm falling down some invisible dark pit.
Posted by Julia on Wed Mar 7 04:58:19 2001 (#217)

I haven't been here ever before, only the self-injury place. I'm new to both. I'm writing because I'm desperate! I know this may sound stupid but it's true. Things are becoming harder day by day. I can't think straight anymore and I don't know how to make it through tonight let alone the rest of the week.

Re: I'm falling down some invisible dark pit.
Posted by Strider on Wed Mar 7 06:08:00 2001 (#218)

Julia, you came to the right place, because I'm here to help you through tonight if you need it. If you're still on, IM me if you can, if not, e-mail me, OK?

love and prayers, Colin

Re: I'm falling down some invisible dark pit.
Posted by Barbara on Wed Mar 7 16:49:54 2001 (#219)

Tell us what's wrong

Re: I'm falling down some invisible dark pit.
Posted by blackrose on Wed Mar 7 17:57:58 2001 (#222)

Julia please dont do ne thing "stupid" I'll miss u soo much! I will help u whenever u need help or a friend just e-mail or IM me! I promise to do all I can! I never really had good friends and I was hopin that u'd b 1! if u read this please e-mail or IM me! Christine

Re: I'm falling down some invisible dark pit.
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 7 18:26:41 2001 (#223)

Julia, you came to the right place. We are all here for each other and now we're here for you. Please talk to us. We want to help you. Please understand that things WILL get better, I promise. My life was getting worse day by day too. And now, I haven't cut in 79 days and I never think about suicide anymore. You will get better. You just need hope and strength - and by posting here I can tell you have both. Please be well, Julia. And keep posting. God speed.

Doris

no!!!!!!!
Posted by shawna davidson on Wed Mar 7 17:37:26 2001 (#221)

There is no point in trying to kill yourself. If you need to talk I am here for you and don't hesitate to email me to talk. Love me your angel~~~~~~

I'M STILL FALLING
Posted by Julia on Fri Mar 9 04:37:49 2001 (#224)

I need some kind of help, just don't know where to find it. Earlier today I found some pills that I now call "my secret stash". Yes, this does mean that I feel like dying. I'm still in high school, my teacher, my friend and my principal want to have a meeting to discuss me and my behavior. My teacher knows that I cut, she caought me in the bathroom. I should have been more careful! I'm feeling like amybe life isn;t worth living, for me. I want someone to help me but I don't know if anyone could help me anymore. The only good thing I have is my writing, I'm a big writer. I write a lot everyday! Does anyone know how to write a suicide note? I was thinking that if I do kill myself I want to leave a note for certain people in my life. Do you think it's wrong to want to leave a note?

Re: I'M STILL FALLING
Posted by Barbara on Fri Mar 9 10:32:13 2001 (#232)

hey I'm a big writer too

I don't know
Posted by JULIA on Fri Mar 9 05:03:11 2001 (#225)

I guess no one is here right now, which sucks. I hope that all of you are okay! Stay safe,

Julia

(HELP!!!)

Re: I don't know
Posted by Doris on Fri Mar 9 05:46:21 2001 (#226)

JULIA! I'm here!!! Please keep writing or IM me at SlippersAngel. I want you to live, Julia. Do NOT write a suicide note tonight. Please, PLEASE be strong. Even call me if you need to. Just stay with us, okay? God speed.

Doris

Re: I don't know
Posted by Julia on Fri Mar 9 05:51:11 2001 (#227)

I'm dying!!!!! Well, not really, I just feel like I am.

Re: I don't know
Posted by Doris on Fri Mar 9 05:59:46 2001 (#228)

Julia! Be strong!! You can get through this, I know you can! Please be strong and keep on writing to let us know how you're doing! Please! God speed.

Doris

Re: I don't know
Posted by Strider on Fri Mar 9 06:10:40 2001 (#229)

Julia, I'm still here, OK? Please, just write and post with what you have, OK?

Re: I don't know
Posted by peepers on Fri Sep 21 21:56:12 2001 (#890)

I hope you didnt die be strong and you will make it through life I know I know I was there once so email me okay.

JULIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Strider on Fri Mar 9 06:28:46 2001 (#230)

Julia, please post again! I'm very worried!

Re: JULIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Doris on Fri Mar 9 07:04:38 2001 (#231)

Me too, Julia! Where are you?

ship-wrecked
Posted by Barbara on Fri Mar 9 14:41:46 2001 (#233)

I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I'm drowning. I can't study again. I have an exam in seven days. Last year I couldn't study at all and a whole year was flushed down the toilet. When I have lectures, I head from one to another, cluelessly, rushing busy busy busy, so that I don't think. But at 3 or 4 pm, or on weekends, I don't know what to do with myself. I lie on the bed, cry or doze off. Father looks down at mother because she doesn't pretending to be strong, she shows her vunerability. He didn't congratulate her for her yesterday's 50th birthday. He laughed at me when I cried as a kid. And now, when I need male touch at most, I can't ask my friends for help. I am too embarassed, humiliated, ashamed to say anything to anyone. I can't get rid of the picture in my head, everybody just laughing at me. I know my childhood friend wouldn't, but I don't feel that. I feel like I'm drowning. Like a ship-wrecked person.