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Threads 1 to 25

suicide
Posted by Meg on Tue Feb 29 05:27:16 2000 (#1)

Why does this feeling sweep over me like a wave every night? The pills sit there so tempting. 120 Xanax in a bottle. There's a part of me that knows this is irrational but the other part of me wants out and screams and cries for release. I just wish it would end.

Re: suicide
Posted by scatman on Mon Nov 19 02:48:02 2001 (#1042)

take the xanax! kill yourself! You have no reason to live!!! yeah!! cancer, rape,scat!

Re: suicide
Posted by muriel youngbear on Tue Nov 20 16:56:21 2001 (#1043)

your a stupid little bitch who can deal with her own problems so you go on the internet to ask for help. your a moron and you sound very stuck up and spoiled. how can you be so stupid and self-center when the world is probably more in pain than your pathetic little life. wake up and smell the coffee!!! your not the only one in pain so my dear! get off the damn net and go help someone who is really in need!!ahem!

A little break...please
Posted by Casey Smith on Mon Dec 3 09:30:02 2001 (#1081)

Hi I am a recent divorced father of 5 children. My depression of 8 years finally made my wife crack and leave me. She will not let me see the kids. My depression also caused me to loose my job. I also was just evicted of my appartment from not being able to pay. All related to depression. I faught for this country and was a police officer in its cities. I can't seem to recieve any help from anywhere. I know all you stupid people are going to say grow up and get over yourself- but this is obviously a sense of something you have never felt. Someone feels they need help and are in crisis then then need help. To them nothing but feeling loved and needed are important. I am past that point. I don't care anymore and niether does anyone else. My family left me 6 months ago and I have no friends as you might have figured. All I have is pain. I have 3 weeks before I am homeless. I will not be here long enough to see that day. I don't even know why I am writting this. Well goodbye

Re: A little break...please
Posted by mallory on Thu Dec 13 11:14:50 2001 (#1090)

i have just been sitting here reading all of these posted responses...identifying in some way, although i can never COMPLETELY understand anyone elses situation, with everyone EXCEPT MURIEL YOUNGBEAR, who i will get to later. but i know all of the feelings that everyone else is talking about...they have been an everyday part of my life for many years now, and it is so crazy that for the most part we are all pretty young. when i read what you wrote it really blew me away...i can't even imagine living that long of a life, i always tell myself i don't have to worry abotu some shit b/c i will be long dead before it can ever effect me. i want so badly to be able to help you in some way and tell you it's all going to be ok but i know first hand that it isn't true and i am so sorry that depression has ruined your life. b/c really....when we were born we weren't any different from everyone else but we all got cursed with this damn shit that makes living just that much harder. and people like Muriel who obviously have no clue about that can never fathom that kind of life. i wish i could do something to stop you from ending your life...but i just want people to let me go i don't want anyone getting in my way...it's almost like i don't want to go to all the therapy and take all the drugs b/c i don't want it to have a chance of sabottaging my plans for suicide. i want to die. i really really need to die b/c i can't handle the weight of just every day life it is too much and too hard and it isn't worth all the pain that people tell me will go away and that i don't deserve...this shit ruins lives it leaves us with hardly a chance to survive. i commend you for making it as far as you have that really takes soooo much strength but this disease just kicks our asses over and over again. i know things must be soooo unbearable so miserable and you feel like there is nothing to live for, but i'd like ot think there is some hope out there...something to put these whethered and beaten bodies to use. i couldn't let you say goodbye without me at least trying to contact you...but at the same time i don't even want to tell you to hang on b/c it hurts so much and this is where hanging on has gotten you. i don't want to give you any reason to feel guilty about killing yourself b/c i know i don't want it...but it feels inhumane to just watch someone kill themself and act as though it doesn't effect anything...it all does, we all effect someone else in someway or another and if we are missing, that changes many peoples lives in ways that may be really slight but you took that into your own hands.....jesus, i don't even knwo what i am talking about i am like preaching about shit that doesn't make sense and is full of contradictions... whatever such is life...and what a great one it is!!! allright, not at all.

kill me
Posted by Mason on Mon Dec 17 05:26:05 2001 (#1093)

Something happend to me this summer. I had this weird feeling that ive never had before, and i was out for an ice hockey practice (im a goalie) and i just started crying my eyes out. i starting cutting the hell out of my arms. about 1 month later, i told my parents. they were about as sad as anyone could get. i felt so bad, and now i havent been cutting for a few months. latley, ive been getting those thoughts back. the other day i was in the tub, i wanted so bad to get out the toaster, and push the button down. or strap some C4 to my head. But i know that its the wrong thing to do, cuz one day, all of you will see Mason Hall in the NHL. and thats the ultimate goal, not death. Later all. Mason

I am my own worst enemy
Posted by just another brick in the wall on Fri Dec 28 20:24:46 2001 (#1109)

I'm just over exagerating, just need to get over myself, I don't have problems....I am the problem. As long as I am around, there is someone to blame, someone to be the disgrace, someone to do everythign the wrong way...and after I have gone, they can all keep blaming me for being so selfish. Even if I do find the courage to cut too deeply one night, it won't end anything....it'll just be one more thing I did wrong. If I killed myself over guilt, over not being what they had wanted their daughter to be...I'd still be guilty of being selfish and taking my life. Damnit!*sigh* I just wish that for once, it all made sense...

Am i the only one adicted to 'cutting'?
Posted by Had on Sun Mar 10 07:22:20 2002 (#1213)

i was a good kid, till nineth grade. now all i do is think about 'cutting'. my b/f was a cutter. when he found out i did it he started to cry. that's the only reason why i don't just get it all over with. i hate to see people cry. plus i don't want to die, i just want to take my mind off of life and all the shit wrong with it. i'v been diagnosted with just about everything amaginable. from ADD to bi-polar. i feel like i'm alone, and no one else understands. my friends say they do but they really don't. i just want to know that i'm not the only person that person adicted to 'cutting'.

Re: Am i the only one adicted to 'cutting'?
Posted by Hydro on Sat Mar 16 01:15:42 2002 (#1228)

I cut on myself when I get upset. I have numerous scars from doing it. I usually make it into a design so it wont look like I was trying to hurt myself. I hate my life but like many other people I dont have the balls to kill myself. I want to wait and see if things will get better in the future. I cut on myself because it gets my mind off all the pain going on in my life.

Re: suicide
Posted by Little_King on Mon Mar 4 22:32:45 2002 (#1197)

Yes, I too wish it would all end. After all "In the end it doesn't even matter!"

I also wish I had a bottle of some kind of pills that would do it for me.......END my LIFE!

Re: suicide
Posted by amy.s on Tue Mar 5 21:24:07 2002 (#1201)

i hav been suffering with depression & selfharm for a year now i've attempted suicide twice but hav failed i can not get these thoughts of death out of my head?

Re: suicide
Posted by bex on Fri Mar 22 18:53:08 2002 (#1246)

I go through it everyday! wondering why i should continue! is there a purpose for me? for us all? well, trying seven times, i'm assuming theres either a real purpose out there or i'm just not doing it the right way! i cant say that you should love life or think positive, but take it slow! one day at a time! for each day you move forward, each positive thing you do in a day, get rid of a pill! start from within and maybe the rest will fall into place! i dont know you but i love you all the same! it would hurt me to come back to check this thing and there be a negative response on here! do what you've got to do, just dont do that!

why does no one understand
Posted by raven on Tue Dec 19 17:05:05 2000 (#133)

why does no one understand what suicde is and what depression is and why does no one understand a depressed person

Re: why does no one understand
Posted by Lisa on Thu Dec 21 22:13:01 2000 (#141)

Hi everyone.. I know what you are talking about raven. I have been depressed for 4 years and tried to take my life, I have also gotten into self mutalation. But NO ONE notices. They just ignore it. And when my parents did realize i was depressed, they sent me to a counselor who i hated and they wouldn't change who i saw, so now i act all happy around them so i dont have to go to my counselor, but inside i am slowly dying, and not really caring.. And to "Jonathan Davis" I agree with whoever said you shouldn't hide behind someone elses name...I write songs, and that used to help, but now it just makes me feel worse, so I dont do it that often anymore. I would really like to talk to the people on this board, so i hope everyone keeps writing.__Lisa

Re: why does no one understand
Posted by none on Wed Feb 27 21:07:26 2002 (#1178)

I totally agree with you, I also have turned to self mutalation, and my parents have not even noticed, and even if they did, I doubt they would care enough to stop me or even talk to me about it.

Re: why does no one understand
Posted by vanessa on Mon Jul 30 20:15:15 2001 (#704)

its so hard when u want to die and i pretend its all ok too. but feeling this bad on your own is even worse. i know. i want to die too

Re: why does no one understand
Posted by Stagger Lee on Thu Jan 11 15:38:32 2001 (#156)

The thing is whe you discuss suicide it either draws a silence or the subject changes quite quickly. It is also difficult to bring it up. I hate people thinking that Im out of it or fucked up or something. I don't know I apologize...

Why does no one understand?
Posted by Rachel on Tue May 15 06:51:15 2001 (#419)

Ok so i hate life, does that mean i'm evil? insane? my family hate me..or maybe they just dispise me. I don't have a problem with that though, coz i can garentee i hate them more. I do drugs, i have rasor blades next to my bed, and i stopped taking my anti-depressants. No one understands, they think pills will help HA! i take pills to BUZZ! Ihate life and evrything is fucked!

You have no idea
Posted by ?¿Emily?¿ on Mon Sep 3 02:58:46 2001 (#831)

You tell me that you understand but you have no idea what I'm going through. Stop telling me you can help because you can't!!! I'm just a depressed little bitch and you can't help me. No one can. I'm not taking medicine because it doesn't do anything. So stop telling me you know because you actually have no idea!!!

Re: suicide
Posted by Stagger Lee on Thu Jan 11 15:28:10 2001 (#154)

I don't know why. I hate to come off as citche or an a**hole of any sort. I basically do the same thing. Everynight I think about it for a long while. I get depressed lying down. I get depressed when I am alone. I find that I am way to attatched to my friends. I think I leech of them too much. But you are right every night right before you go to sleep, at least in my case, I find myself trying to talk myself out of it.

suicide
Posted by callie on Thu Oct 18 04:32:49 2001 (#935)

look ya'll~ i've been depressed my whole life. i've been to bout 5 shrinks none have helped (big supprise there). i'm on these anti-depressant pills when i remember to take them and i have thought about suicide every day for as long as i can remember. the only thing stopping me is my parents and 3 friends~ i don't want to hurt them but i can't take it much longer.

Re: suicide
Posted by Amy on Tue Feb 29 06:41:06 2000 (#2)

I'm emailing you.

Re: suicide
Posted by Jonathan Davis on Mon Apr 17 04:05:05 2000 (#19)

I hate my life no one gives a fuck that my life just sucks I'm in a band and write my torment our band is called KORN I just don't know what I did to deserve all of this. When I see a gun I just picture my self laying on the floor dead.

Re: suicide
Posted by William Cooney on Thu Feb 28 00:08:47 2002 (#1179)

I hate my life no one loves me my family is having the biggest crisis and they have forgotten me. Fuck

Re: suicide
Posted by William Cooney on Thu Feb 28 00:10:14 2002 (#1180)

Life is so fucked can does anyone care

Re: suicide
Posted by dark0ne on Thu Mar 7 02:49:36 2002 (#1205)

please don't. i don't want you to die. :( i look up to you so damn much and listen to your music everyday. i feel the same as you but i keep on living. i hope you will do the same, your music keeps me going, keeps me alive. i don't know what i'd do without it. :( KORN IS BETTER THAN PORN! tis true. i hope you get better, i hope you fight the pain with all your might, i hope you rise above, for you are my hero, a true legend in my eyes, a true artist. no one compares to you, not a single soul, you have a special place in my heart. don't die. please. i beg you. and there are sooooooo many of us that feel this very same way about you, we are all in pain, help us, we want to follow the leader.

Re: suicide
Posted by kelly on Wed Apr 19 12:30:41 2000 (#23)

ironically enough I'm sitting here reading you'e message and one of your songs is on the radio, to get myuself through I used to write, all sorts of black stuff, in the end I burnt it all, you made a name for yourself out of your dark thoughts, money fame, yeah yeah it's all bullshit, so what the fuck do you want then?

Re: suicide
Posted by Ally on Wed Feb 27 00:40:32 2002 (#1176)

I know how u feel sometimes u just want to end it.they say people with money have it easy but as we see now i guess not. i tried before but then i found out there are people who care. im not saying i never think about it but for now im controling it. i just want u to know that people care!

Re: suicide
Posted by Naomi on Sun Oct 14 08:01:08 2001 (#912)

Suicide..Its not the answer. Ive tried suicide so many times i had to be mentally treated for it (yes i was in a mental institution). two of my friends commited suicide and so did my cousin. Those people who did it are out of the pain, but the true victims, the family and friends, are not. I still wake up at night and cry because i just want to talk to my dead cousin and laugh with my dead friends but thats not possible for me. Suicide is not the answer at all. You may think life is horrible and no one listens to you but, believe me, their are people out there who will. -Naomi-

suicide
Posted by Jenn on Tue May 15 21:48:02 2001 (#430)

Well, Im Jenn... One of my really good friends Mark Scalis killed himself on May 1,2001 Ever since then life has been even harder than it already was. My parents are getting seperated. Me & my mom are moving, my brother is cool, but he isnt around too much anymore. My father is a complete asshole & i lost my daddy. I Met my friend Mark last year, we became friends pretty quick. We became good friends when he went out with my best friend, well she isnt my best friend anymore she has turned into a bitch, but anyway he asked her out she said yes Then a week later broke up with him like she does with every guy she dates. And before Mark killed himself she was just starting to fall in love with him. He killed himself & now she is going out with his best friend. When we went to Marks viewing She was crying so much (we all were) but she was the most...i think. Its been two weeks now... Since mark killed himself & she is already goin out with his best friend. But the worst thing is that im in love with him! I liked him so much for the longest time & he is goin out with her! Well any way sorry for telling you all this because just like everyone else you people probibally dont care.

I know how you feel
Posted by Lindsay on Sun Mar 17 00:10:18 2002 (#1229)

my friend killed him self on my birthday after i yelled at him because he forgot it.

Re: suicide
Posted by charlie brown on Fri May 18 21:22:31 2001 (#437)

I hate my life too. I am only 17 and I have tried suicide like 5 times. I am always suicidal and I cut myself all the time... I wish all the pain would go away. It's like beating me into the ground... I hate it, I can almost taste it. It sucks bigtime... I have flashbacks and voices. I see things sometimes like me killing myself and me doing other bad things. The only thing i can find to get me through the pain is drugs-though it's really bad, nothing else works...

Keep it real, cb

suicide, jonathon davis
Posted by Kristin on Tue Aug 8 17:26:50 2000 (#69)

I have one thing to say in reply to Jonathon Davis and that is gwow up?! Why do you have to pretend to be someone that your not, we all know that youre not really him so why hide behind someone elses name??????????

Life
Posted by Hydro on Wed Mar 20 05:43:33 2002 (#1240)

I hate my life. I know everyone hates their life sometime or another but this is different. I dont even want to live anymore. I feel so alone because I dont have any friends or family who care about me. Me and my bf of 5 months just broke up and its been hard because he was my first real relationship. Every time I trust someone with my heart they go and break it. I dont want to live anymore but I am afraid that I will try to kill myself and it wont work and then my mom will send me off to a mental institution. If I knew a way that would definately kill you I would be gone right now. Until then I guess I am going to have to live with all the bullshit that goes on in life.

Re: suicide, jonathon davis
Posted by Stagger Lee on Thu Jan 11 15:30:43 2001 (#155)

Dont argue him that is the whole point of him posting under the name. As long as we get any sort of reaction than he achieves his goal.

Re: suicide, jonathon davis
Posted by Bailey on Tue Jul 3 19:18:50 2001 (#623)

I attempted suicide and now living with the scars litteraly and figuratively. I would like to contact anyone that has scars and see how they have been dealing with it. How have you found work? How has your family dealt with it? How have your friends treated you after it? Do you feel embarrased of your scars? I never stopped to think of how much it would be worst if I couldn't do it. Now life seems to be voided. How long did your scars take to even fade? If anyone can talk to me about there experience please do.

Re: suicide, jonathon davis
Posted by denell on Mon Dec 3 07:43:15 2001 (#1080)

i have found work u just have to look in the right places. it also depends on how ur mgt. decides to see it. also where they put you and where your scars are.my family didnt know what was going on and i stayed at a place called the bridge and thats when they found out. after i was there they cared but now they act like they dont care and like it never happend even though it still is happening. my aunt told all her friends and she pissed me off doing that.my friends cared but now they see it as stupid and something u can just stop doing.sometimes its embarassing but sometimes im proud of them cuz it shows the shit ive been through.my scars take a long time cuz i cut deep.ive had some last for only a month and i have some from a year ago. hope i was of some help to u.

FUCKEN LIFE
Posted by aish on Sun Mar 24 03:55:18 2002 (#1251)

LIFE IS SHITT. EVERYDAY

Re: suicide, jonathon davis
Posted by sara on Fri Mar 1 19:15:39 2002 (#1186)

dear jon, about a year ago i was totally suicidal. i have many scars to prove it. People really dont care about the scars they are shocked about it initially, but soon they get used to it. the pain and agony gets over with and then everything eventually gets better. when you learn to cope with life and everything that comes along with it you will be able to be happy, and forget so much about the negativity in life and just get a positive outlook. Life is a beautiful thing. dont end it over some temporary problem. my family was initially angry about my scars so that made me cut myself more. they were embarassed that i would cut myself to feel better. and for a while, in my head, it did. but that was all that it was. in my head. i could cope with the internal pain so i wanted to feel it externally. my parents never believed that i had problems. but the day that i actually attempted to do so they knew that i had problems. If it werent for my friends i would now be dead. they helped me deal with my agony and anguish. i got a psychiatrist that didnt help much. my friends helped me realize how precious life is. Although my scars are beautiful, and deep. i just keep thinking that maybe it would be better if i were just normal. but i like my scars and i wouldnt be me without them. i hope that this helps you.

Re: suicide, jonathon davis
Posted by sara on Fri Mar 1 19:19:14 2002 (#1187)

dear jon, about a year ago i was totally suicidal. i have many scars to prove it. People really dont care about the scars they are shocked about it initially, but soon they get used to it. the pain and agony gets over with and then everything eventually gets better. when you learn to cope with life and everything that comes along with it you will be able to be happy, and forget so much about the negativity in life and just get a positive outlook. Life is a beautiful thing. dont end it over some temporary problem. my family was initially angry about my scars so that made me cut myself more. they were embarassed that i would cut myself to feel better. and for a while, in my head, it did. but that was all that it was. in my head. i couldnt cope with the internal pain so i wanted to feel it externally. my parents never believed that i had problems. but the day that i actually attempted to commit suicide, by way of slicing my wrists they knew that i had problems. If it werent for my friends i would now be dead. they helped me deal with my agony and anguish. i got a psychiatrist that didnt help much. my friends helped me realize how precious life is. Although my scars are beautiful, and deep, i just keep thinking that maybe it would be better if i were just normal. but i like my scars and i wouldnt be me without them. i hope that this helps you.

Re: suicide, jonathon davis
Posted by She on Tue Mar 5 22:17:39 2002 (#1202)

To baily

I dont think my scars will ever fade.Ok prehaps in a few years time they may fade a litte byt your never gonna forget commiting suiside its like a shadow that wont leave you every monday ( the day of my suiside attampt ) i get this amazing da ja voo feeling that pushes my to try just one more time. Luv She

SO confused
Posted by Jen on Sat Sep 8 00:00:00 2001 (#864)

Ok well I have borderline personality disorder and killing myself goes through my mind whenever I feel even slightly less than happy, you know, have a fight with a friend- kill myself, hear some sad music, kill myself! everyone i talk to says it goes with the disorder but I don't want to fell like this all my life!! I'm a a little bit desperate! how can I get out of this!! :(

Why?
Posted by Jessie on Mon Feb 25 03:38:14 2002 (#1168)

I use to be a great person. I would wake up having nothing to worry about. Then the worries started to pile on and they wouldnt stop. I thought i would be able to hide from them, but i was wrong. I use to be just a regular teenage girl wanting to do everything possible to be right, and I made great grades in school and had no trouble with them. Now I cant even make since out of things i thought was a peice of cake. I dont understand and I am soo confused. Why does this have to happen to a person like me?

Re: life is shirt
Posted by antia on Mon Feb 25 15:05:40 2002 (#1172)

my life will end on the friday

Re: suicide, jonathon davis
Posted by Stewie on Sun Mar 25 17:28:41 2001 (#300)

yay! korn suck

suicide
Posted by kylie on Wed Jul 4 04:57:50 2001 (#624)

hi. suicidal thoughts swim in my head constantly. over comeing me. i sit at home and cut myself for the one reason that i hate myself and everything around me. i cant help but hate everything. i feel as though my existence is not needed here. why are we put on this earth in the first place? the world would benifit from one less destroyer. my arms have scars all over them and they look horible. i never wear short sleve t-shirts now... always long. people think im a psycho at school. my parent just think im depressed and they think they can just buy me happyness. it doesnt work that way. no one understands how i feel. they all think im just a weird whore. when u get called names like gothic whore and smackhead ALL the time whats the reason for living? i think ill qiute school at the end of this year and then quite my life... my life maybe sooner. i dont know. i just want everything to leave me be. make it all go away. the pain. the memories. the hurt...

i want to die
Posted by leanne on Tue Mar 12 12:38:42 2002 (#1216)

im in love with my teacher

nothing
Posted by mallory on Fri Aug 25 21:53:22 2000 (#77)

my life fucking sux.(here I go just one more pothetic moron feeling sorry for her self, and yes yes yes I know "grow up", fuck you all that say that, you oviously dont know what its like to wanna die, to have everything fuck up at the site of you, and have every one tell you to shut up when you cry for help your whole damn life. and you know what, I grew up a little to soon, and now I can see right through every one, and what I see fucking pisses me off, I have every right to be pissed off and to feel like shit, and as a matter a fact, I think its pritty great and healthy that sad people can express and addmit to themselvs so fuck off OKAY.

Re: I care!
Posted by michele on Fri Nov 3 00:03:27 2000 (#109)

We have all had the thought of comiting suicide thats taking the easy way out right?! But i think the people who take that way out dont know that there are people out there that will listen to you and there are people who care...and that can help you!So taking that way out is not the answer! THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT ARE WILLING TO LISTEN TO YOU!

2 all
Posted by andela on Tue Jan 1 11:33:15 2002 (#1111)

im sitting here reading everything u have all written,im not here 2 give u any advice just some in couragement, i no how hard life is trust me ive gone from eating disorders to being treated 4 manic depression. i just wnt to say hold on because in the end you will be so glad ur alive hopefully good luck all of you

Re: nothing
Posted by bex on Fri Mar 22 18:57:14 2002 (#1247)

WOW, it sounds like me! and yes, your right to want to express yourself! i do it all the time! growing up too fast, i totally agree! life is difficult and its hard! i would be a hypocrit to sit here and give you advice, i dont go to church, i am struggling to live on my own at 18, i go to school, work and attempt to deal with stupid people who tell me life is what you make of it! they dont know! i may not know all of your pain, but i know mine, and reading what you said felt like i was reading my journal! keep your head up!

Re: i have no idea
Posted by Arika on Mon Mar 19 07:37:03 2001 (#276)

I am doing a report on suicides amongst teenagers for an english project. I chose this subject because i have lost three people to it and i also think about it on a daily basis. When i read what people are saying i cry and i know how they feel. I just want to help parents understand how they can help their kids. I have not partisipated in any other web site that i have been on but this one really touched me. Please respond to help me help others. I don't know why i wrote this maybe i am also crying out for help.

I have no idea
Posted by arika on Tue Mar 20 05:15:48 2001 (#282)

Re: nothing
Posted by carol on Tue May 1 23:57:35 2001 (#390)

mallory, i have to say that i am in total agreement with you! no one gets it! it so fucking screwed up! i have even tried to explain this to people before because they want reasons for every thing i think but i don't have any like concrete ones that they'll "accept". thanks for writing that...if anyone tries to pull that shit on me again i'm gonna tell them that! your message has really i think helped me to figure out how to like express myself! thanks so much! (hope you read this...it's been awhile since you've written anything else...) carol

Re: nothing
Posted by Angela on Tue May 29 23:01:33 2001 (#478)

So.. none of you give a fuck right? who does? look. I know how you all feel. the scars on my wrist could prove that to you. fuck who doesnt hate life at some point. but guys, you're not alone. dont give up. (yah yah just another dumb brode blabbing about a hope that no one really has) the only reason you dont have hope, is cuz you're looking for it in the wrong places. honestly guys, God saved my life. Bleeding on my bathroom floor. if i can be saved by the grace of Jesus Christ. so can you.

knock some sense into you
Posted by muriel youngbear on Tue Nov 20 17:00:21 2001 (#1044)

your not really suicidal are you? you just bored with your life and have nothing better to do but whine to other people and you know that they can't help you. you don't even know these people and you ask them to help you with your problems. e=mail me and tell me what your deal is kid!

i want to die
Posted by robin on Wed Mar 14 17:36:03 2001 (#256)

i have a plan for committing suicide. but when i was in mental facilities for attempts my family and my friends all cried, i dont want them to be sad cuz i love them but thats the only thing stopping me.. every night i get a strong impulse to kill myself. does anyone else feel the same?

shut up and listen!
Posted by muriel youngbear on Tue Nov 20 17:05:23 2001 (#1045)

so you wanna die huh? i'll kill you myself and enjoy it! you are a fat ass lier and you need to get on with your life. you can't be that sad and depressed to wanna end your life. it's stupid because i was once the same way but i know now how stupid it really is. i'm not here to help you, i'm here to tell you that your stupid for feeling that way. get the point!e-mail me so i can bitch you some more!

MURIEL SHOULD HAVE DONE IT
Posted by mallory on Thu Dec 13 11:14:10 2001 (#1089)

honestly...what the hell is wrong with you? why are you even reading what these people have to say if all you are going to do is bash them and tell them you would enjoy killing them? and what the fuck right do you have to tell someone else how they feel? you don't know shit about anyone here and to be honest i don't exactly understand how you think you deserve to still be alive, i think in your case we can make an exception and just tell you you were right for all those feelings you had before and who gives a fuck about the pain you had b/c it'd be worth losing you to prevent further pain i am sure you will cause other people. how can you call that person a lier, what do you know? and obviously you don't know how it is or how the feeling all of these people have feels. and yeah for your information it is possible for people to feel this way. why the hell does all this shit happen if it's just a figment of everyone's imagination...yeah that really makes loads of sense. you said yourself that you felt that way once but now you realize it is stupid...so then if you know how it feels wouldn't that mean that it IS possible to feel that way for real? or were you just bullshitting everyone, trying to get people to feel sorry for you. you aren't helping anyone here, so why are you even waisting your precious time on something you don't buy into. is it just natural born cruelty? do you like to make people suffer? i would honestly love to meet the people who produced something like you what the hell happened to turn someone so cold against people that you should be able to sympathize with. please respond i am really looking forward to what you have to say.

Re: MURIEL SHOULD HAVE DONE IT
Posted by robyn on Sun Dec 23 19:07:29 2001 (#1098)

yeah i agree 43617894618% with u. He has no fukin idea of ne thing that we're goin thru i think he jsut wants attention ya kno.... fuk him email me guys ozzyboy102@aol.com byeee

robyn girl

Re: i want to die
Posted by kitty on Fri Jan 18 18:09:03 2002 (#1123)

i know exactly how u feel ... the only thing keeping me hear is that i dont want to hurt other people

i dont care about myself everything is to pointless

Re: i want to die
Posted by Monica on Fri Mar 1 01:59:44 2002 (#1184)

I fell the same way as you do I was sent to a placement and when I got out I think about suicide but my family is the one I love. I been suicidal since I was 14 and I am 17 now and I got the perfect plan so one of these day I going to do it maybe tonight or tomorrow

Re: i want to die
Posted by Allen on Wed Apr 18 05:08:26 2001 (#352)

I have thought about killing myself for many years but I have never been able to do it for 1 or 2 reasons,one like you I can`t stand the thought of causing my family and friends the pain of wondering what they could have done to help me.The second reason is that I don`t really want to die,but i can`t stand the thought of living my whole life depressed and tryng not to let anyone see it.You strike me as being young and you should not be like me and keeping all the pain and lonelyness botteled up inside.It is to late for me but you should at least wait till you are old enough to have a life of your own,you might fall in love or find something that you enjoy so much that suicide slowly leaves your thoughts.My wish for you is to live a long and happy life filled with friends and family.

Re:
Posted by carla on Thu Jan 3 00:11:58 2002 (#1112)

Mental Health Workers are fucked in the Head. They are more CRAZY then me.

anita
Posted by anita on Tue Feb 26 14:10:00 2002 (#1174)

will u kil me will u kil me will u kil me will u kil me

Re: i want to die
Posted by Tara on Sun Jul 29 06:08:28 2001 (#692)

allen i think u should take some of ur advice its not to late for u either!!

Re: i want to die
Posted by vanessa on Mon Jul 30 20:12:07 2001 (#703)

i know how it feels to want to die and i want to die so much. i know that it would be so much easier then trying to sort out how i feel. but i cant do it. i dont wanna reck my family, friends and boyfriends lifes. i wake up and i feel so alone and inside im falling apart and its like no ones there to hold me up. it would be such an easy way out if it would only effect me.

Re: i want to die
Posted by Grace Louise Edwards on Sun Jan 6 17:53:25 2002 (#1113)

Hiya I know how you feel i am in care at the moment and i cut my wrists all the time.

Sometimes it feels as if i am screaming and no one can here me but you have to relize that things will get better for you because they sure have for me yeh i might be left with all my scars but i have my whole life ahead of me and so have you.

I have been sexually asalted my gran died of cancer i have been nearly abducted and raped and thing have got better for me so any time you feel like dying think into the future and see what you have got a head of you i will be thinking of you From Grace

Re: i want to die
Posted by Julian on Wed May 30 05:00:03 2001 (#484)

I know how you feel, every day, after i get up, i look at a hunting knife i have and wonder, is this the day? Should i slit my wrists and end it all? i've got a shitty life, i'm made fun of at school, no one ever cares that i'm there, no one even see's me. I think i will en it tonight, this can be my suicide note. goodbye.

i think u need to step back
Posted by pisj on Mon Oct 15 11:27:06 2001 (#923)

look i tried to kill myself again at easter and it did nothing except put everyone i care about through alot of pain and heartache and was it worth the scars and the liver problems no because it means u still have to go on and that ppl watch u more and friends look at u funny and sharp objects are hidden from u and pills also .mayb venting like this works for a bit but my opinion is this is more of a trigger site then a helpful site tell me if u disagree as i too have to battle the suicidle thoughts but im slowly realising that bpd is no excuse to try to end it all

Re: suicide
Posted by David Larson on Tue Apr 3 23:29:02 2001 (#344)

I'm looking for a Poetry about suicide preventions and I'm having trouble looking for it so could you please help me?

.....
Posted by Mandy on Tue Apr 24 04:34:40 2001 (#364)

This is to all the people who pretend to understand what another person is feeling. Even if you are suicidal and talking to a suicidal person, you cannot possible imagine the pain they are feeling. So the right thing to say would not be.."I know how you feel." And another thing..I cannot stand people saying, "It'll get better." How is the fuck would they know it'll get better. It hasn't gotten better in 4 years...why would it now...???? Nothing matters.

.....
Posted by Care on Fri Jun 1 07:56:30 2001 (#486)

anyone who reads this, know that i am not trying to say that everything will be ok, or that i understand... because i have no idea what kind of pain you are going through in your life, all i know is you are all hurting... and i just want to voice my opinion hoping it will help somebody.... Jesus saves.... He will take your pain, he will take your tears, he will suffer for you... i am not trying to preach to anyone, or make anybody believe something they don't.. i just want to share my beliefs with you all, and i will pray for everyone of you to have peace in your heart.

Why go on?
Posted by Shannah Murray on Tue Jun 26 06:28:58 2001 (#541)

Here i sit with suicide fresh on my mind... It is so easy to end ones life. People may say "it is the easy way out." But really it is the hard way. Because i have dealt with this pain for so long and endured it, i have been through hard shit. Fuck people who say they understand. What do they know? They are probably some hip-happy tree-huggin hippies. Well good luck to all of you!

*~* Shannah MUrray*~*

In response
Posted by Tara on Sun Jul 29 05:59:28 2001 (#691)

Mandy people can have peace they dont need jesus i dont hate god or whatever i know somthing made us but how many lives has him and jesus actually saved??my concerns go out to all u people and i know i dont know how it feels sure ihave the thoughts but i have never done anything about it my bestfriend is always depressed but she hides it that is one thing i sugest none of u do is to hide ur pain the more u hide it the closer u are i just thought i would say that and i hope that all of u r fine and no being here on earth just thiking about dying.yes life is hard but what would life be like if it wasnt hard i think there would be more suicides then there is today.Thanks for listening from !! Tara !!

just let me die...
Posted by me on Wed Jul 4 05:15:01 2001 (#625)

what the fuck does it matter that im different from other people? that doesnt mean that my life has to be so fucked up... but it is. whats the point of going on? you go through so much pain in ur life that its not worth lving. some more than others. like the people who are writitng into here. just like i am. i think that sharing our feelings is a good thing to do. maybe even help a bit. im not sure ive never really said much to anyone. i sit at home and cut myself...alot. if i dont cut myself its like i need to. like im addiceted to it. so many timesi have thought about cutting so deep the knife comes out the other end of my arm and i slowly die. i wish all the pain and misery would just go away... i wish i was dead. but wishing it is totall\y different to actually killing yourself. i dont actually want to kill myself, its just that i just want all the pain and shit to just go the fuck away and leave me alone. well thats my say. now lets all go die... theres nothing left.

too long.
Posted by Dawn on Sat Sep 1 06:48:50 2001 (#816)

I tried killing myself once by od'ing on about 170 valium and tylenol pills. Didn't do much besides making my whole family and friends angry... now, 6 months have passed and the feeling is still there. Whatever I do, there's this part of me that just wants out. Cuting my arms or doing drugs don't help anymore. I've been thinking about hanging myself for it seems easy and fast... Part of me knows how stupid it is but a bigger part keeps telling me how this is the right thing to do. Very messed up...

just let me die...
Posted by kylie on Wed Jul 4 05:15:04 2001 (#626)

stupid little bitch
Posted by muriel youngbear on Tue Nov 20 17:13:05 2001 (#1046)

your so stupid you little lieing bitch!! you people make me so mad and you think your the only one who feels like shit! e-mail me and it's on!! lets talk one on one and i'll tell you what i think of you and your "issues", you sounded so fake in your "i hate my life" speech. your a stupid faggot and you need to get on with your life!!ahem!

stupid little bitch
Posted by muriel youngbear on Tue Nov 20 17:13:21 2001 (#1047)

Life is not worth...
Posted by Melissa on Fri Oct 12 21:41:59 2001 (#911)

Hey people, I know how it feels when you think you should end your life. Im only 12 and yet I still go through half of the shit that older kids go through. I mean I have thought of suicide before and had thoughts of just seeing me fall to the ground. But those pictures and thoughts only go away if you make them. I mean Im soo depressed right now with everything, my family, my friends. but just stop thinking of killing yourself and live life to all the greatness of it!

Re: suicide
Posted by Heather Mcdonald on Tue Aug 7 01:20:28 2001 (#722)

HELP!!! Please god someone help me!! I am so lost and afraid I just cant take it anymore.When im alone i cut my arms and let them bleed. why make it stop..just so i can do it again tomorrow!?!? everytime i cut my self it gets deeper i know that soon if no one helps me im gonna kill myself!!! please help!!!if i dont get help now i'll die..i just know i will..im so afraid!

listen.....
Posted by summer on Fri Aug 24 09:08:23 2001 (#794)

all i want is a fulfilling life.....all i want is a boyfriend.....fuck...even a girlfriend would be good.....i feel a sense of calm thinking about the day i die. pray for cancer, anything to take the shame of taking my own life. i have an eating disorder. i am clinically depressed. i was raped last winter. when will i get past these weaknesses i feeland the rest of the shit taking up space in my head........if anyone out there can respond....i would love to hear from you....at this point i'm waiting for anyone to give me any kind of feedback at all. i'm 22 years old and my life basically feels alone and lost. keep on keepin' on, s.m.c.

sum1 plz help me
Posted by Jenna on Tue Feb 26 20:19:12 2002 (#1175)

yer..i am thinkin tonite..cud be the night..to end the pain and misery.no1 can help me..they are all fed up with me.i jst wanna be happy?..is that such a big thing to ask?..u see i used to be happy..then everything came crashing down around me.i have written every1 a gd bye letter..and sed gdbye to them in my own way..now there's nothing to stop me..i jst hate the world..and mostly i hate the emptyiness inside me..i hate it and i hate myself

Re: listen.....
Posted by majkalene on Sat Sep 8 02:48:34 2001 (#865)

i know how you feel. i am just in the contemplating suicide mode right now. i can't believe i can't find a site on the web on info on how to do it. i mean, not just this way or that but practical medical knowledge so that i do it right and not end up just comatosed or something. i am 31 and know how you feel. i was thinking maybe overdosing on ecstacy but i am not a drug taker so i have to find out if the amount of hits is due to the person's body size or what is actually in the pill.

Re: listen.....
Posted by Terrie on Thu Oct 4 23:07:20 2001 (#903)

No one has to die !!! There is help out there , please look for it . Some one loves you and believes that you are a very important person .

Re: suicide
Posted by Jenna Wooden on Wed Oct 10 02:03:35 2001 (#908)

hi i am a lesbian. I just want to kill myslef becuase all thses guys like me and all im interested in is vaginas and breasts. I am interested in woman and not guys. I wish guys wouldnt like me and i could wnaeverytihng to be how i want it to be

Re: suicide
Posted by Courtney on Wed Oct 17 02:57:12 2001 (#932)

All of you who are thinking of comitting suicide neede to understand that there are people who care about you and you'd be doing the biggest mistake to take your life because you're not happy. You don't want to really take your life because there is a world of oppportunities out there for you. Please take that into consideration!

66666
Posted by shit face on Mon Feb 25 15:12:34 2002 (#1173)

kil kil

Re: Think!!!!!
Posted by Courtney on Wed Oct 17 02:58:01 2001 (#933)

U think its so easy!
Posted by Jennifer on Fri Nov 16 11:18:03 2001 (#1041)

I know some of u ppl want 2 help but alot of the times there is no need 4 help u don't have a clue about whats goiing on in our heads why we're thinking about killing ourself.Some of u if not all think its easy 2 just seek help well its not I have my reasons 4 wanting 2 do it and no person in the world will change my mind about it.I know i can do it becuz i've slit my wrist lots of times b-4 and the last time i did it i found out that i could actually go thru w/it.And yeah it did freak me out but in a fu**ked up way made me feel so much better just knowing that i have the balls enough 2 take my own life.And its sad of me 2 say this but i m more then sure i will do it sooner or later.

Re: suicide
Posted by matt on Thu Oct 18 11:40:38 2001 (#939)

Bit selfish int' ya?!! think about the ppl yer hurtin' (family friends..) plus, right, if ive gotta put up with this shitty world however crap, cuz face it, lifes a bitch and the you die.. then so can you. Things can only get better...

okay
Posted by paige on Sun Oct 21 06:42:26 2001 (#943)

Okay fuck. I hate that you guys say someone cares about you. Well they dont and I do not feel like looking for sympathy. Okay and the facct about not killing yourself because you'll hurt you family and friends.Well I guess they schould have thought about not hurtong me first. You know were not weird to want to kill ourselves? You ask why and we ask why not?

confusing
Posted by lexy on Sat Oct 27 02:37:09 2001 (#981)

wanting to actually kill yourself and not wanting to kill yourself is just so confusing. i think that it would be the best way of all possibility if somebody's sad they should go away its not worth living through so much pain. but if its for no fucking reason and your like sad because no body likes you at school or cares that your there. it doesnt matter because you just WILL always end up finding somebody else even when your thirty. just go on and live your life. but if your life is like so bad because you were abused or sexually abused or whatever than its not worth living. i guess? ive been through all this crap. i hate it. if i hear of somebody that killed themselves iget really pissed because i so much want to be there beside them and say 'dont go'.

cowards or survivors?
Posted by Joey Warrender on Sun Oct 28 12:19:04 2001 (#992)

A lot of times i've wanted to kill myself... and many times i've tried. But everytime i see the scars on my arm, i think about how stupid the idea is. Suicide is the cowards way out, and i don't want to be a coward. Do you?

Re: cowards or survivors?
Posted by Becca on Thu Nov 1 09:45:34 2001 (#1012)

Suicide is not the "cowards way out". if you were really suicidal you would know this. I've attempted many times. and i will keep going downhill until i fall over the edge. Which will probably be soon. I don't think i'm a coward. Everyone would be better of without me anyway . I cut myself last night, again. I'm sick of it. It doesn't make me feel better anymore. Neither do my precious pills i like to O.D on. what to do....

get help, all of you
Posted by Josephine on Thu Nov 1 12:27:35 2001 (#1013)

what to do? Get help. All of you on here. I sympathize with you, but you're sick. You need help. This board doesn't help, makes it worse. Please, be a person again

Re: get help, all of you
Posted by bec on Fri Nov 2 06:17:54 2001 (#1016)

I'm sorry. i was in a mood. this is board is a load of shit. Thanx for your advice....

Re: cowards or survivors?
Posted by ANGEL on Mon Jan 28 05:24:26 2002 (#1136)

HEY; JUST WANT TO SAY TO ALL OF YOU THAT WANT TO END YOUR LIVES; LIFE IS A DIFFICULT ROAD THAT WE MUST ENCOUNTER AND CONQUER. I WAS IN A DEVASTATING CAR ACCIDENT THIS PAST JUNE NEARLY ON THE BRINK OF DEATH AND NEARLY SEVERING MY RIGHT FOREARM.IT WAS SAVED BUT MY ARM IS EXTREMELY SCARRED AND DEFORMED. I WAS AN ASPIRING MODEL/FITNESS COMPETITOR WITH THE WORLD AT MY HANDS. I COULD HAVE ENDED IT ALL LIVING WITH THIS AS DIFFICULT AS IT IS EVERYDAY. , BUT I'VE CHOSEN TO CONTINUE....... YOU GUYS THAT SELF MUTILATE YOURSELVES SHOULD THINK AND LOVE YOURSELVES. FUCK THE WORLD, FUCK THOSE THAT DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU! CARE ENOUGH ABOUT YOURSELF AND LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO PROVE TO YOURSELF AND NO ONE ELSE, THAT YOU'RE FUCKING GOOD. YOU ARE!!!!!!! LIVE LIFE AND MAKE IT BEAUTIFUL NO MATTER WHAT. PLEASE VALUE YOUR LIVES. SOMEONE DOES CARE THIS SURVIVOR DOES!!!!!!!!!

???
Posted by Krista on Tue Feb 29 08:47:08 2000 (#3)

I went to a college counselor last month, because I cut my right wrist. I was ashamed and appalled at what I had done, considering that it had been two years since I had done this. I took this little "depression test" and the lady counselor said I was fine. A month later, I don't feel fine. I feel like escaping. I am so afraid that I will be like this forever--dark, moody, too thoughtful.I can't bear to have my parents know about these things I do or the way I feel. Even though I've discovered I haven't the guts to kill myself, I think about it all the time. This alone drives me up the wall. I want to die. I say it all the time in my head. I think so much, it gives me headaches at night. and I can't seem to find the point of college. I hate it here.

Re: ???
Posted by Stagger Lee on Thu Jan 11 16:01:13 2001 (#157)

I use to slice my arm up pretty badly. As a matter of fact I spent a while wearing nothing but long sleave shirts. It felt really odd I mean the sleaves and the blood made my arm feel wet so I was always pulling at my shirt. I pretty much had the same feelings I mean if I wasn't such a fucking coward I would have just done it by now.

Re:???
Posted by callie on Fri Oct 19 00:53:40 2001 (#942)

this is only my second visit here. and although i've never been a cutter i know how it is to feel pointless and worthless. i haven't been happy for about 7 years and i'm only 15. i really hate my life and i have so much to think about i can't deal anymore. i need some help.

Re: ???
Posted by jordon on Wed Apr 19 12:33:50 2000 (#24)

I can understand the head full of thoughts, but why is college such a dilema?

Re: ???
Posted by Alicia on Tue Feb 29 17:11:30 2000 (#4)

Krista, you have described word for word how I have been feeling lately. I too have a scar on my right wrist that I caused just under two years ago. I work full time and than I go home to my 4 year old daughter and try to take care of her the best that I can. I am so tired of working hard to keep it together. My question is the same as yours; When are these feelings of gloom, emptyness, anger, solace ever going to go away? When my mind races and I can't stand to think anymore, I drink myself to sleep. When I wake up, I'm full of regrets because I don't want to add an addiction of alcohol to my problem, so I feel even worse in the morning. Right now, I am thinking of packing my bags and leaving. I don't know where, but I keep thinking that if I keep going, I can somehow outrun these feelings. Krista, this is what I go through at least 10 times a month. It's a vicious cycle. Yet, i'm still here, at my job, going home to my daughter every night. If I didn't have her, I know I would not be here! I don't know if that will change at some point because I don't feel I have control over anything. Krista, can you try to find something or someone as your focus, that can bring you even a little bit of happiness?

helping
Posted by meg on Wed Mar 22 03:16:13 2000 (#14)

I really don't know what to say to all of you except keep going. I'm not gonna give any of the God loves you and so do I shit becasue that's never helped me. What has helped me are red markers and ice-cubes. Use the red markers for where the cuts will be and use the ice-cubes to jolt you out of whatever memory or situation that you are stuck in. Weird and messy (the ice melts and smears the marker if washable) but it really helps. Ive been dealing with eating disorders, abuse, and cutting for about 7 years and I've tried to end it about 4 times. I still want it to sometimes and then I think about the people I'd hurt. I'd be killing my self to end pain but making much more pain and guilt for others, what a shitty selfish thing to do. Keep going, one day it will end, it has to. Meg

Alicia
Posted by susie on Sun May 27 21:31:01 2001 (#466)

hi im new here, but alicia you have described exactly how i feel, I too have a daughter who is 4, and im just going thru the motions numbly, and coming home to my daughter too, and i also think if it wasnt for her, i dont think i would be here now either. I self harm, but i do think about sucidie and tried to OD last month, but that failed, and i felt really guilty cos its not fair on my daughter which makes me feel even worse anyways i just wanted to say i totally empthaise what you said there alicia

Re: ???
Posted by Nele on Tue Feb 29 21:09:30 2000 (#5)

Dear Krista and Alicia!

I know exactly how you feel. I also used to cut my arm and wrist, but haven't done it for a while. Since a couple of weeks I feel more depressed again. I started to do a lot of sports in order to feel myself, yet I feel such a pain inside me that I do not see any other way as to cope with it as just getting back to cutting...I am afraid...I think if my parents, my family and friends would not show me as much love as they do, and if I would not feel so guilty about the thought committing suicide, I would jump from somewhere or take tablets as soon as I could. The most stupid thing is that I cannot figure out what all this results from. I cannot remember getting abused or anything else...There is no reason, or at least I cannot see it. My parents do not have a clue what self-destroying phases I went through. (It is actually the first time I write this anyone!) Not eating for weeks, vomiting, excessive sport, tablets, alcohol, cutting....Luckily I always somehow got over it after a while. The longest phase was about 7 months in a row. I just wanted to express that I can imagine what you feel. In a way it gives me a good feeling to know that I am not alone, maybe it helps you as well reading these lines. On the other hand how can we really support each other if all of us have our problems?

Re: ???
Posted by Krista on Wed Mar 1 03:54:35 2000 (#6)

Hi Alicia, Hi Nele.

Nele, the last line of your statement hits me, too. I would want more than anything to stop "thinking about everything" and just fix everything so I can move on and be 'happy and normal' like everyone seems to be around me. More than this, I commend you for writing about your problems for the first time. I know it can be scary to put stuff out about ourselves like this.

What litte advice I could give is that I keep a journal on my computer that only my eyes can see. I write EVERYTHING down in it. And I know that this really helps. Maybe you could try this. If you do, I want to warn you that it can be very un-nerving at first to see the darkness of your mind pour out onto the paper. But it helps. Especially if you are the type of person who likes to be alone, and when you want to talk to someone, you find no one trustworthy. My journal is about to hit the 100 page mark very soon, so it is obviously a place I retreat to often. Some days I save my journal on a disk just in case 'something' happens and my parents are left wondering what went wrong.

I am wandering, though. Sometimes, I find myself disappointed with my parents and my friends for not picking up that something is wrong with me. Later on, I feel guilty for wanting to attract attention to myself. Do either of you ever pick up on this too?

Re: ???
Posted by Alicia on Wed Mar 1 19:37:07 2000 (#7)

Hi Krista, Hi Nele:

Answer to your question Krista, yes! I hated the fact that nobody attempted to find out what was wrong with me when I retreated to my room every night or never even cracked a smile for months. I was angry as hell. Sometimes I think, if they showed me love or concern, I would not have gone so far as to almost cut my arm off. Than I think, gosh, maybe they were so engrossed in their own problems that they didn't see it. I try not to dwell on it because than I get angry again. What I have is an illness. I am sick! I realize that now. I still can't control it, but I am better. Why should you feel guilty for wanting to attract attention, when what your really saying is that "I wonder if these people who claim they love me, really know me if they can't even tell when I'm hurting inside?"

Nele, thanks for sharing with us for the first time! You said that you feel stupid because you cant figure out where your illness stems from. You don't have to be abused or anything like that to have this illness. It could be something as simple as a chemical imbalance in your brain. That's what the doctors thought I had. But you see, I was physically and sexually abused as a child and I pushed all those memories way back into my head and didn't think about for years. I married and had a daughter, I have a B.A. in Psychology and I have a good job. It wasn't until my marriage collapsed that I broke down emotionally, or so I thought. I didn't stop to think about all the times I purged that I was bulimic, or binge drink and thought that I was an alcoholic, or cut my wrists when I was really angry that I was sick. I just thought that that was how I was dealing with my abuse, but I was still normal because I was accomplishing so much. Little did I know that I was slowly killing myself and when my husband divorced me, I went for all or nothing.

Thank GOD, I did not succeed!!! I live for the good days I have with my daughter. But I still have relapses and I'm not perfect, I still binge drink but not as often. I hope to eventually stop. Lets all take it one day at a time.

Girls, be thankful for the people who love you, because I live alone with my daughter and she is all I have. I am estranged from my family and have been since I was 14 years old. Now I only have the support of my closest friend whom I work with. I've only known her for three years and she makes me feel like I'm part of her family. That's all I ever wanted, for the abuse to stop and to have my family love me. I'm crying so that's it for now. Stay well.

Re: ???
Posted by bozo on Sat Mar 4 01:56:55 2000 (#9)

Promise someone you love you won't do it. You just have a case of the "suck it up" blues. Yes you have to do something you don't want to for the forseeable future, that's life. You just suck it up and do it. If you need someone, it's up to you to find them. It won't come to you, go get it. BOZO

Re: ???
Posted by dying on Wed Aug 23 07:25:59 2000 (#75)

krista, i know just how u feel. i have a scar on my right wrist also (im left handed) and also all over my body. my parents don't know. they know im "depressed" but they dont really accept it they dont know about the cutting though. so, like u, i feel i have nowhere to turn. i urge u to find another counselor. fuck that little test. u are the only one who can really know how u feel. u need help and u deserve help and u deserve to get better. if u truly dont like college then quit... but if u think its only cuz of ur depression u should probably wait to see how another counselor could help u before doing anything rash. dont do anything that makes u unhappy! please find another counselor.

Re: ???
Posted by MICHELE on Fri Nov 3 00:11:24 2000 (#110)

I can not say that i have been in any of your situations but there is a way out...and you all need to relise there are people out here that will listen to you and that do care so dont always take the easy way out ok...before getting help you must help your self!

my life sucks
Posted by bozo on Sat Mar 4 01:23:11 2000 (#8)

When my wife nagged me about not making enough money I said "My mother and our son are in poor health, I can't look for another job. My mother became terminally ill and I fought with the hospotal for 2 months to make them honor her living will. My brother fought me tooth and nail until I left him there alone with Mom and Dad for 3 days. I got a call from him, "I can't stand this, come back and make them let her die". I fought with him all night to keep him from pulling the plug himself. When they turned off the respirator, I whispered to her, "mom were all here, we've all had dinner and we're resting in the living room, why don't you go to sleep." She stopped breathing in 20 seconds. On my way out the door to her funeral, I was met by 2 process servers informing me I was being sued by someone I had never herd of, (mistaken identity) A month and 2 days later my 30 year old son shot himself in the head at 4:20 A.M in our living room after an 8 year fight with schizophrenia. It is 3 years later and I have a new job and make a huge salary and life isn't worth living. I had to be strong and do all the funeral things while his mother, my wife, was catatonic. I didn't have time to mourn my mother, and then I got hit by a brick wall with my son and best friends death. I woke up with the woman I loved crying for the next year. The job I had had for 20 years was evaporating, as mis management destroyed the company. I'm not going to kill myself because I told my wife I wouldn't, but I wish I hadn't. I can't talk to anyone because she reads over my shoulder and crawls up my ass. Aint I a little ray of sunshine?

Re: my life sucks
Posted by Kay on Mon Mar 13 01:43:27 2000 (#10)

babe, I'm glad that you promised your wife that you wouldn't kill yourself because later on in life you will probably see that it wouldn't have been worth it. It is causing a domino effect on everyone. first your mother, then your son, best friend and now you want to go. but guess what? you would leave your wife behind which would probably mean that she would commit suicide herself because she would have nothing to live for. Keep eachother alive. Trust me, I've been through 5 suicide attempts myself and if it weren't for the doctors I would've been dead and I hated them for saving me... but now that I look back I am actually thankful. I still get in my moods where I want to die, but all I do is call someone and get my mind off of it. So many people would be feeling the same pain that you're feeling about your lost ones if they lost you. Think about it. Suicide is a selfish easy way out.

Re: my life sucks
Posted by bonnie on Wed Apr 19 11:43:27 2000 (#21)

if you have the huge salary, leave your'e wife who crawls up your arse. It's not written in stone that we have to endure misery with another, take two giant steps back from your "life" as it is at the moment and start gratifying yourself with what ever means you feel like.

Re: my life sucks
Posted by Rachel on Tue May 15 07:05:43 2001 (#422)

Ok your life sounds absolutly horrible, but so fair you haven't killed yourself, what has stopped you?

problems
Posted by Kay on Mon Mar 13 02:04:17 2000 (#11)

Hi all you guys. Just reading all of your messages to eachother brought back so many memories about how I was feeling during my extreme depression. I was physically and emotionally abused as a child up until I was 13. After the physical abuse stopped came the emotional and mental abuse. I was told daily how worthless I was. I have flashes in my head of seeing my mom unconscious on the floor from being so severly beaten. I first tried to kill myself at 13 with a gun. I chickened out. After that I cut myself constantly. All over. When I hit 14 I started getting into the drug scene. It made me feel better. I started having countless sex partners to try to make myself feel loved. My family life was still hell. When I hit 15 I ran away for the first time. The cops caught me and I told them that if they took me home i would kill myself... so it was then that i had my first encounter with a mental hospital. they locked me up for 2 weeks. they released me. my parents ignored me when i got home. 3 days later I was in the emergency room drinking charcoal and getting my stomach pumped. Yet again I was in a mental hospital. I was released 3 days later. my parents were the nicest people to me... but still there was something missing. There were all the memories of the past that couldn't just be made all better by them deciding to be nice for a couple of days. 6 days later I was again in the emergency room getting my stomach pumped. Each time I had taken over 200 pills thinking for sure that I would die. During all of that time I had slashed my wrists open 4 times. They placed me in a mental hospital for a month and then transfered me to a rehab center where I stayed for 4 months. During this entire time, none of my friends were coming to see me or writing to me or accepting my collect calls. this made me sink further into my depression because they were the only people that i could depend on and they weren't there. I got out of my last mental hospital last July. I have run away once since then. I thought nothing could ever get better... but it did. I don't know how but it did. I am only 16 now and i am in college. Its sounds like it would be wonderful... but the only thing thats keeping me from doing it again are my friends. I can't rely on my family. they still constantly informing me of how worthless I am. My boyfriends are just as bad. they take advantage of my low self esteem and treat me almost as bad as my parents. I can't ignore it all and pretend it is not there because I have to face reality. No more hiding in my room crying and wishing I was dead. I do get in my moods every couple of days where I cry uncontrollably. The strange thing is I can never pin point what I am crying about. All I know is that a horrible sad painful feeling engulfs me and I can't do anything about it. I have to keep myself busy because if i am not busy then i am thinking and when I am thinking I am depressed. I hate thinking.

Re: problems
Posted by rayne on Sat Jun 17 00:42:24 2000 (#41)

i hate thinking too. i thought i would read your posting to find out more about you and girl, just because our problems are a little different doent mean our feelings are more or less than eachother. we both feel extreme pain and we need someone who understands that we can talk to. do we really want to become a statistic? i will listen to you any time. i will not back away if you hurt yourself. i know how it feels when someone does that. dispite my popularity i too have been shunned. i hope your ok. Rayne

Re: problems
Posted by MR. T on Wed Feb 13 21:43:43 2002 (#1153)

I feel bad 4 u

Re: problems
Posted by Rachel on Tue May 15 07:10:52 2001 (#423)

I agree i HATE thinking i think and most of the time i'll start crying. I also have problems being alone. I get insomnia and being with my family causes more depression.

me
Posted by Andrew on Wed Mar 15 05:56:30 2000 (#12)

Hello, i'm new to this board,

i'm 18 and i feel suicidal on and off... During some weeks I can't stop thinking about suicide. I have a bit of an obsession with all or nothing, and sometimes when I've failed it violates my construction of life to the point that I'd like to just quit (being athiest). still, nothing severe has ever happened to me, I guess that's a good thing, although it makes me feel like i'm insincere somehow.

i've been on and off medication, ikeep trying to stop taking it, i've been off wellbutrin lithium, and neurontin (i was on all 3 before) for about a month now... i wonder if i should recontinue. i'm feeling ok at the moment. last week was horrible.

well that's me.

andrew

Re: me
Posted by Jackie on Tue Mar 21 05:35:12 2000 (#13)

Andrew, I am 23 and am also suicidal from time to time. I have been hospitalized 3 times because of it.

I would definitely recommend that you go back on your meds though. I know sometimes you want to stop because you are feeling better, but that's the best time to keep going. It's during those times that you don't have to deal with the suicidal thoughts or at least nowhere near as much as you think about it now.

Good luck to you!

Jackie

Re: me
Posted by Rachel on Tue May 15 07:02:28 2001 (#421)

hey you sound like me good and bad weeks etc, stay off the medicine if you ask me, thats what i did. It didn't help, then again if you ask me neither did the drugs.

Is this forever?
Posted by Kat on Sun Mar 26 23:06:58 2000 (#15)

I feel so terrible I don't know what to do anymore. I think about killing myself all the time but I don't want to hurt my parents. I have this great future- I just got into grad school- but it's like I don't care. I feel so sad, so empty, so ruined. I don't know what to do or think or try anymore. I just wonder am I going to spend the rest of my life like this. I'm in therapy- it's barely helping. The only thing that helps momentarily is not eating, but if I keep that up I'll end up in the hospital. Does anyone know what I should do or try?

Re: Is this forever?
Posted by Alicia on Fri Mar 31 20:04:42 2000 (#16)

Tell your therapist exactly what you just wrote or give him/her a copy!! Don't let it get to you, don't let that feeling make you do something stupid. What your feeling is the beginning of a suicide attempt. When you don't eat and you feel depressed, you are not able to think clearly and your emotions get the best of you. Please these are clear signs that something is about to happen if you do not take care of it now. Find someone who can just listen and not give advice to you but will hold you tight and close! It helped me.

Re: Is this forever?
Posted by kat on Wed Apr 19 11:59:51 2000 (#22)

why do you feel so ruined

Re: Is this forever?
Posted by sarah on Sun Jun 25 19:13:11 2000 (#47)

let me tell you something everyone has a bad life even me. sometimes it seems like the best way of geting through is by feeling sorry for ourself and finding some way that others can feel sorry for us, rather that be by making yourself sick or even taking your own life. But thats not the way. I found that by not feeling sorry for myself and have fun as much as a can than it is all worth not taking our lives. so hang in there because some day soon you will look back at everything and be glad that you didn't.

Re: Is this forever?
Posted by Chris on Mon Feb 25 09:01:26 2002 (#1169)

Hi Kat, I'm sorry that you are hurting so badly. Life sounds awfully confusing for you right now. A lot of people feel like you do now at some point in their life. But for most people, it gets better. It will get better for you too sweetheart. Keep going to therapy and try different medications if neccessary. Hang in there, okay?

Thanks!
Posted by Angi on Wed Apr 12 08:06:13 2000 (#17)

This the first place I've come across where I actually feel I can relate. I'm surrounded by people who love me, but don't understand how frightening these feelings can be, and how close you can come to ending it all while still appearing rational on the outside. I know I don't want to kill myself, but I'm considering self-harm as an alternative. Any suggestions?

Re: Thanks!
Posted by tina on Fri Apr 14 15:02:00 2000 (#18)

PLEASE don't start to self-harm. i have done that. it only gets you in more trouble. you feel good for a short time, but it leaves mental and physical scars. when you self-harm it doesn't help the situation that much. you think it does, but it NEVER does. i know how you feel.

Re: Thanks!
Posted by kristina on Wed Aug 30 06:01:17 2000 (#81)

i agree with angi... dont start self harm if u can help it at all, it really does cause so many problems. i wish i had never started. i know what u mean about the appearing rational on the outside and everything, most of my friends dont even know anything's up, im so used to hiding it. dont give in no matter what, go get help from a doctor if u have to, anything to keep u from doing something ull regret.

my thoughts scare me
Posted by Lost on Mon Apr 17 08:32:38 2000 (#20)

I can't fuck'n live here like this... you don't understand. I constantly get told how worthless i am and how i'm this and that. at first its like "yeah whatever" but after a while it starts to hurt that your own parents are the ones putting you down. god! I try to act happy all the time but its hard to just put a fake smile on your face all day. No one understands how depressed i am... and i can't tell anyone because if i do they'll want to lock me back up. I think thats why i get so attached to guys so quickly. I guess it makes me feel like I'm actually worth something. someone is actually taking the time out to notice me and i don't want to let it go. I don't know... I've already tried suicide, and i don't think its worth it but sometimes i just get the urge and just think about how easy it would be and then it would all be over. My thoughts scare me... but i don't know what else to do. I've already been to the hospitals... the short and long term ones. All that anger management and copings skills stuff that they teach you does nothing for me... the only thing that will work is me moving out... and its not gonna happen because i'm a minor... so i'm stuck with these thoughts in my head and nothing to pull me back.

Re: my thoughts scare me
Posted by AJ on Fri Dec 29 22:27:15 2000 (#142)

I know what it's like to be scared by your own head. i am too, i cut myself because of this. i've never been into a hospital because of it, but i think i will end up goin crazy, if it hasn't already happened.

good luck to you.

Re: my thoughts scare me
Posted by Rachel on Tue May 15 07:25:21 2001 (#424)

You sound like me, my dad no longer lives with me and my mum and sis and bro, but thats a bad thing. My mum constantly gives me shit, 'You never do anything around her' 'grow up!' etcShe KNOWS i suffer from depression. I'm also a minor and can't move, though i want to but i have no job. I also get along with males, infact i only have one female friend. I makes me feel good knowing i have men around me. I have ever been in a hospital or anyhting before, but it's bound to happen...

Re: my thoughts scare me
Posted by Chris on Mon Feb 25 09:06:06 2002 (#1170)

Your parents are wrong to treat you so badly. It's wrong that you can't be honest with them and tell them you are depressed. Love means being able to be honest and being accepted even when honesty isn't pleasant. I'm sorry your parents are such a-holes. But at least you can be honest here :) Take care.

the black hole
Posted by life's a bitch on Wed Apr 19 13:16:08 2000 (#25)

I sit here and in the corner of my room, there is this big black hole ready to take me, forever, suck me down into oblivion. I lie there in bed watching. I know that hole is the end of all this ,and I also know that I don't really want this life to end, even if it is bullshit. It's a fine line between bravery and stupidity, and I'vbe walked the wrong sifde of the line for too long, so I'll just check out.

What the fuck do I do??
Posted by Clarity on Wed Apr 19 22:43:24 2000 (#26)

Suicide tempts me..it provokes me..it calls me, and Im starting to realise how dangerous my thoughts really are. Noone understands me at all, I dont blame them, I dont even understand myself.Life seems so pointless, if the rest of my life is gonna be like this 16 years that I av already had to live thru, I dont know if I want or if I can keep going. Nothing works; the drugs, drink, cigarettes, music. I am fucked n I gotta face it. Its just noone understands, my mum is mentally ill and I have to look after her, my brother has behavioural problems, my Dad doesnt give a shit, hes got a new bitch n kids. Men just use me especially JONATHAN COLBECK, if I saw him now I d fuckin kill im cos he doesnt c what he is doin to me, noone does. Its not even worth the effort-life. The only thing that stops me killing myself is my Mum-the guilt-Well if Im ded I wont feel guilt, I wont feel anything, No Pain, No rejection, nthing, that sounds like heaven to me.

Re: What the fuck do I do??
Posted by Damien Baxter on Tue Nov 21 13:05:02 2000 (#125)

Hey Hunny,

I'd like to hear more about what is causing you so much distress. Believe me, I will understand because I have been down the track of knowing what it's like to be on the 'verge' of death. Believe me, I do. You should have seen me at the hospital only a few weeks ago, then you would believe in me. Bless you darling. I'd love to hear more from you, so please write to me.

In loving memory,

Damien B.

P.S I won't be alive for much longer myself so you'd better hurry up and write to me :(

Re: What the fuck do I do??
Posted by Jessica on Tue May 2 06:09:57 2000 (#27)

Believe me, I know what you're talking about. And I know you're not gonna believe me when I say this, but suicide is NOT the answer. I attempted suicide a month and a half ago. I know what you mean about nobody understanding you; most of my friends abandoned me because of how scary my thoughts are. I still freak out a lot, and sometimes I even get tempted, but I'm slowly getting better. I think you can too. Maybe get into some therapy if you can; it's slowly starting to help me. Remember (and this is a HUGE realization that has helped me overcome urges to kill myself) if you die you may never feel any more pain, but then you'll never have a chance for things to be good again either. Think about that and good luck.

suicide
Posted by dallas on Sat May 13 16:45:16 2000 (#28)

Hi All I can think about lately is killing myself. I am trying to fight of this but cant seem to shake of how I am felling.Its really hard and I dont know how much more I can hang on and I dont know if I wans to anymore

Re: suicide
Posted by Elizabeth on Tue Feb 19 19:36:06 2002 (#1162)

I felt the same way about 3 days ago and I ended up cutting deep to where I needed 9 stitches. You can't give up because that shows you have let your enemeys win. Please do not give up stay strong and keep smiling and you will be happy.Love your friend Elizabeth.

Re: suicide
Posted by Rachel on Tue May 15 07:42:39 2001 (#425)

hey i know how you feel, but it's actually doing that is the hard part.

it's okay
Posted by Blue on Tue May 16 00:05:00 2000 (#29)

i think people who wants to commit suicide are okay. they have no way out, so what are they going to do. dying is their only option. people might say, oh, you shouldn't do this, life is to good...blah blah blah. but hello? where were you when they're suffering? it's kind of too late for you to say that you care.

Re: it's okay
Posted by Lost on Thu May 18 08:28:56 2000 (#30)

I couldn't agree with you more. I never thought of it that way. Yeah, when I was crying all the time and trying to tell people my problems, they didn't really pay me any attention, but once the suicide attempts started, then they got mad because I was being "selfish" and it was "the easy way out". But when you've tried everything else, it seems to be "the ONLY way out". I guess this little message board is supposed to give you support and someone to talk to that can relate, but you people seem to either just read what everyone else writes and then go on your merry way, or post one message and never come back. Is there a point to all this?

HELP!
Posted by Jade on Sat May 27 06:46:37 2000 (#31)

my friend recently tried to commit suicide by slitting her wrists. I need to help her but i don't know what to do. Please help me!

Re: HELP!
Posted by Roni on Wed Dec 20 08:01:19 2000 (#137)

Take it from a suicidal person: Slitting of the wrists is not an efective way. What I'm saying is that it was a suicide gesture, which is simply a cry for help. Did something happen to bring this on? Or does she have a history of depression or mania? Write back and maybe I can help, at least with your understanding of suicidal thoughts and feelings. Love roni

tell me more
Posted by pathetic excuse on Mon May 29 06:47:36 2000 (#32)

HI, well the pathetic excuse is my life hereees my story... I was lets see sexually abused, then raped many times, and beaten... ive done drugs, eating disorders, smokes, drinks,cutting my mom is a bitch when it comes to everything.. I just got over this huge fight with my best friend... I cant trust her anymore I have a project due tommorow - not started I hav e exams in two week and am failing school I take on average 8 tylenol per night to knock me out I have made a decision to not press charges against the person who raped me because I am too weak to fight... I cant stand living and want to die.. I t never seemed so real to me but know it does.. before I could see at least to my twenties ... now I dont see tommorow... I think I will die but im too afraid to ask for help...I dont want to die

Re: tell me more
Posted by Lost on Tue May 30 22:52:38 2000 (#33)

e-mail me... krazienghetto@yahoo.com

there is someone out there to listen
Posted by maria on Wed Jun 6 01:07:14 2001 (#499)

To you I read your story and know what it is like to be you to feel like there is no purpose left to fight for there is nothing in the world left for you you feel tired weak feel like the world is never on your side but there is hope for you just stop and think what makes you really happy start by thinking of happy things just thinking of one happy thing can make a differnece in your life you may feellike no one in the world may listen to you but if you keep telling your story and fighting someone somewhere will here your cries and will help you there are good ppl out there and you should fight to live live for yourself don't end your life its not worth it you should help yourself before n e one else just let your story be heard it may save your life keep fighting till the end live you life to the fullest because you may just find out that you love life in the end.

Stabbing myself
Posted by Gemma on Mon Jun 5 22:12:53 2000 (#34)

I was abused and raped as a kid, bullied through school, my parents are f*@king me off, life sucks, I'm gonna fail my exams, I hate myself. I have a knife and right now just want to stab myself to relieve the pain.

Please someone talk to me nobody understands.

Thanks

Re: Stabbing myself
Posted by Zimone on Tue Jun 6 13:11:02 2000 (#35)

dear Gemma, I really don´t know what to say, but please don´t hurt yourself. It won´t get any better - I know!

Re: Stabbing myself
Posted by Melanie on Wed Aug 22 05:00:04 2001 (#780)

Hey you lot - I'm new to this message board, but I just wanted to say to Gemma, I know how you feel and I feel that way every day, but stabbing yourself and killing yourself is not the way out. If you ever need to talk (if anybody on this message board does) then you can just e-mail me because I'm here to listen to anybody. I know that suicide seems like the way out a lot of the times but believe me it's not. Gemma I was raped and molested as a child so I know how that is too. My dad's an alcoholic and my mom is very opinionated and dominating about my life so I know how you're feeling at the moment. Please if you ever need to get something off your chest, don't stab yourself or anything like that, try screaming or going running or just go outside and beat up a tree or something. Grab a rug and beat the fuck out of it! I've been cutting myself lately, but I'm trying to stop that. Another suggestion is to wear a rubber band on your wrist and snap it whenever you get pissed. It works kind of! I love snapping my wrist (with the rubber band) it does work a little. =) So please if you do need to talk to someone think of me. I know where you're coming from and I will try my best to help you when you need it. xoxo Melanie

Re: Stabbing myself
Posted by Brit on Sat Dec 8 04:11:03 2001 (#1087)

....THINK ABOUT IT...DO U REALLY WANT TO DIE?

What can I do?
Posted by Zimone on Tue Jun 6 13:17:27 2000 (#36)

I´m a 19 y.o. girl who lives in Sweden at a psych.ward. I will soon move out and don´t want to stop that by telling them that I am considering suicide. I have a wonderful family but that is all. I feel that I just have to comitt suicide, but I don´t want to! I just want my life to get better, but whatever I do there´s no way out of this.

I just can´t go on living my life like this.

Re: What can I do?
Posted by KiLLeRByTE on Tue Jun 6 23:11:33 2000 (#37)

I understand what your saying, i have a normalish family, but i try suicide for other reasons. no matter how much support i get, it doesnt help. if you want to talk to some one who is in a similar situation, email me.

Re: What can I do?
Posted by Miara on Mon Jun 19 22:07:44 2000 (#42)

Joe, I read you message on the self injury board, and it really broke my heart. I wrote you a long email, but it came back to me and said 'undeliverable'. Every time I look at the board, I still can't believe that no one has taken time to reply to your message. I have tried to kill myself too, and I think I am going to die in a couple of days. My dad's a PARADOID scitzo I'm beginning to seriously think. I understand you alot though.

Re: What can I do?
Posted by Joe ( KiLLeRByTE ) on Sat Jul 1 01:08:48 2000 (#54)

hey miara, thanks. if the email didnt get through, please try either, absolute_nutter@hotmail.com or joe@emailworx.com

thanks

same to anyone who was going to contact me. as if.

Joe

its all good i guess....
Posted by RAYNE on Fri Jun 16 07:15:05 2000 (#38)

yeah, ok. im 20. im a lesbian. my parents just beat the shit outta me and disowned me. in the past 3 years 8 friends died. 6 were suicides. i also suffer from depression and i am an ex coke addict/junkhead. still smoke pot. its the only thing that keeps me sane. i also think alot about some pretty heavy shit. i also was severly abused as a child. i was raped at 4yrs old for the first time. i just got diagnosed with lung cancer. i want to kill myself but why would i want to make my friends feel the way we all felt when the other ones offed themselves? what does anyone think i should do? who gives a fuck right? im not the problem, the rest of the world is. so, i guess its all good. whatever. email me back for any reason whatsoever. i'll respond. i promise.

Re: its all good i guess....
Posted by Lost on Fri Jun 16 19:11:15 2000 (#39)

Check you e-mail

its not all good
Posted by RAYNE on Sat Jun 17 00:20:49 2000 (#40)

im freaking out hardcore man. its getting worse. thank you to the people who responded to me. you guys are awsome and have alot to offer. i dont. i found out the cancer is actually on my breastbone. and ive got pnemonia. they can get rid of the cancer. im still depressed about other things though. i still have depression, im not sleeping, im having flashbacks, i was pretty much gay bashed emotionally by my no longer soon to be landlord. so now im staying in this damb shelter. i dont know my way around this brand new town. i have no energy. i keep seeing the faces of my freinds that killed themselves. everyone is pissing me off. my family still hates me and i am so fucking mad!!!!! i dont know whether i want to kill myself or take off again. i will go anywhere in the world. i dont care about canada. nuke the fucking maple leaf!!!!!!!!!!

Re: its not all good
Posted by Jenna on Wed Jun 21 09:33:53 2000 (#44)

Rayne,

There's really not much to say, but try to hold on. Life sucks some serious ass sometimes, but then you just have to watch the sunset, read something meaningfull, or make someone happy. I hope that you are still doing okay, and all you can do is try to bear it as it comes. And I agree "to nuke the fucking maple leaf."

Suicide
Posted by Kate on Tue Jun 20 02:07:48 2000 (#43)

Hi everyone my name is Kate and I am 21. I have a pretty normal life. But i used to be extremely suicidal. In fact I got kicked out of the dorms for attempting twice. I am not suicidal anymore but I do cut. So I understand kind of what you guys are going through. I haven't been through as much shit as you guys but I am here to help.

emptyness
Posted by Annthia on Sun Jun 25 06:33:18 2000 (#45)

If I could take the pain, and heart ache that life brings, I'd still be here. I'm going up a yonder, I'm going up a yonder, to be with my Lord. That's some of the lyrics to one of my favorite songs and how I feel inside. I'm alive and I occasionally smile, but I have no feelings inside. I'm just....there. I'm never sad/sadder, I'm never happy, I don't feel excitment or dissapointment. I think I would be able to lift myself out of the darkness if I could just feel. It's so hard, all I do is cryout on the inside and have that framilier ache of not being "here" inside of me. Oh, I wish it just stop.

Re: emptyness
Posted by Chris on Mon Feb 25 09:14:37 2002 (#1171)

Wow. That was eloquent. I know how you feel. I also feel empty. I want a certain love that I know I can never find. My heart is empty and aching from lack of that love. Some people say it's god's love, but I need love "with skin on" I need arms to hold me, a gentle voice and kind eyes. But I've never found this, and I don't think I ever can, because I expect too much. But since I can't have the love that I need, I just go on feeling hollow inside and dead or wanting to die. Why is finding love so hard? If I could find a woman who would care about me, I feel like it would be okay. But there's nothing in me worth caring about, so it's not going to be okay. I get so tired of this. Longing for love is a fatal condition. My heart died a long time ago, but my body is taking a bit longer to catch up.

Re: emptyness
Posted by Kate on Sun Jun 25 17:33:28 2000 (#46)

Please don't do anything. It is not worth it. I tried twice and I just hurt my family. I never realized how precious life is. I know that sounds like a bunch of bull but it gets better. My life sucks a lot of the time. But if you just hold on you will find something worth living for if not yourself. i am a cutter so I know a lot about not stopping. Are you on medication? Please write me back. If you want to email me you can.

Re: emptyness
Posted by Linda on Mon Jun 26 18:12:21 2000 (#48)

Please write me! I would love to communicate with you.

Re: emptyness
Posted by Annthia on Fri Jun 30 07:09:41 2000 (#49)

Kate and Linda,

Thanks for acually replying. I'm not to sure that there are acual humans with emotions out there anymore. I've been so cut off from my emotions for such a long time all I feel is emptyness. No pain, no joy, no worry, no happyness. And in a way that's worse than constintly being in pain. In pain you can feel, you can cry. This, this is nothingness, just a constint and continuing grey life called life. It never goes up never goes down. But happens when the grey line runs out of paper?

Re: emptyness
Posted by Kate on Fri Jun 30 14:46:14 2000 (#51)

Maybe you are on your way to recovering. I know this sounds bad but if you used to always feel pain and sadness at least you are at a different level. Do you understand what I mean? I was flat like you for a while and then I went on different medication. My psychologist said being flat was better than being so down that you can't get back up. It is easier to treat a flat mood with medicine and therapy than a really down mood. I hope this makes sense.

Re: emptyness
Posted by Linda on Mon Jul 3 05:14:09 2000 (#56)

I wish I could communicate with you on a personal level. I would like to try to help you.

Re: emptyness
Posted by Annthia on Thu Jul 6 18:25:11 2000 (#63)

Mabe flat is better than down, I don't know and at this point I don't care, about myself or about anything. I'm not sure why I'm still here, mabe because it would make to many people happy if I left. Yesturday, the guy that I began to care about, left me. He's the first person I opeaned up to in close to four years. So, I'm not sure what I feel. But I don't like it. It's not pleasant, mabe not a feeling, but not a good thing. I'm not making anysense, words aren't working in this situation. Mabe music would, but this is a disscusion board, not a stero. Hope all is well with others.

Am I crazy?
Posted by Reyna on Fri Jun 30 11:46:43 2000 (#50)

Hi i am pretty new here, Well recently i was sent to a hospital for self injury and suicide, i have been there twice, and today I felt so bad I just was so tempted but, i do not have the courage, my story is long for why i feel this way, but if anyone want's to know just ask. I feel helpless, lonesome, and suck. I have had it. Does anyone have suggestions. I have lost alot of friends b/c of this. reyna

Re: Am I crazy?
Posted by minsay on Tue May 29 02:59:01 2001 (#472)

HI Reyna,I know what you are going through and well you know that saying time is a healer. If you ever need to talk to someone or you need to just get it down on paper well just write it and send to me. Don't worry about your friends because they are just scared. How old are you? i'm 16yr and well i've been down that same road luv you always minsay

Re: Am I crazy?
Posted by Kate on Fri Jun 30 14:49:32 2000 (#52)

First of all they weren't really friends in the first place if they left you. Friends stick with you no matter what. Second of all do you feel lonely because you are back from the hospital? Or just in general? What was your day like? I have had bad days but you can't let assholes predict how you are going to live? I know from experience how you can let a situation or a person bring you way down.

Re: Am I crazy?
Posted by Linda on Fri Jun 30 21:33:21 2000 (#53)

Reyna, I just posted on the other board and I thought that I would make this announcement over here also. I would be honored to hear your "long" story. I am not a self-injurer nor am I suicidal. I am just a mother that cares. I love being an encouragment to others. If anyone needs a listening ear, I most certainly welcome your e-mail. Linda

Re: Am I crazy?
Posted by Joe on Sun Jul 2 16:15:05 2000 (#55)

hey reyna, remember me? just to let oyu know, you aint gonna lose me as a friend

Joe

Sadness/Emptiness/my plan
Posted by Freek on Mon Jul 3 06:31:39 2000 (#57)

Sigh... I just came here to not feel alone. I really wish there was a chat room cuz I really need to talk to someone... Today is my Birthday, and I feel horrible. I mean, I just turned 19 a few hours ago, and I feel completely lifeless. It was my big plan to kill myself at the end of my birthday...I don't know why. I still might do it, I have everything that I need. I told my therapist, but she told me not to focus on the negative, and that I just felt that way because I was having a bad day. She's on vacation now, so I don't have anyone to talk to. All of my friends left me because they think I'm pathetic (their exact words) and I feel so alone. Anyway, I hope I didn't make everyone feel bad, because I know that I'm not worth crying about anymore....

Re: Sadness/Emptiness/my plan
Posted by Steph on Mon Jul 3 14:11:28 2000 (#59)

Hi there, sorry that you are feeling so bad, on what is suppose to be a special day. You are worth something. Mind you I can't really preach as I am feeling quite down at the moment anyways. I just want you to know that there are people out here that are going through the same thoughts that you are.

Re: Sadness/Emptiness/my plan
Posted by Emma on Fri Aug 24 12:42:03 2001 (#795)

hi babe, sorry your feeling down, please be careful hun. I know you feel down but there will be better days please try and stay positive. love emma x

I need help
Posted by Steph on Mon Jul 3 14:01:35 2000 (#58)

Sorry, I am a bit of a mess at the moment. I have tried killing myself 6 times and failed. I suppose that this just shows how stupid I am. I can't talk to anyone about the way that I am feeling right now. Life doesn't seem living. Things are pointless, why the hell was I put here and why the hell should I continue? I haven't got a clue. I am just such a mess and I realy don't know what to do with myself. I think that if I carry on like this then I may not be here soon.

Re: I need help
Posted by Kate on Mon Jul 3 16:27:27 2000 (#60)

I can totally relate. You sound like me three years ago. There has to be something worth living for, family, friends, anything. Your feelings are probably temporary and suicide would be a longterm solution to a temporary problem. Please write me, don't do anything until you talk to me again. Do you have a therapist? Maybe you need medication. Medication helped me, I am a SI but I am not really suicidal. Email me or post a response.

Re: I need help
Posted by Steph on Mon Jul 3 17:26:48 2000 (#61)

Thanks Kate, It was nice to hear that someone out there understands where I am at. I will mail you later if that is OK. As the internet screen reader that I use doesn't like sending e-mails.

drunk and high
Posted by LOST on Tue Jul 4 08:57:33 2000 (#62)

I'm sitting here drunk and high. I feel alone (not because of the drugs) and I just had 3 people tell me that I was fake because my suicide attempts didn't work and that if i really wanted to die... I would've. I mean, I was unconscious for a WEEK in intensive care both times I overdosed... I think I tried hard enough! But I guess since I'm still here that it wasn't good enough for anyone. Its starting to get me thinking.... Should I have tried harder? WILL i try harder? I don't know!!!! I hate this! I don't have any true friends. They've all fucked me over in one way or another! My "boyfriend" if you want to call it that is in jail for 1-3 year years so now I'm completely alone! I don't think I'll make it. I don't have anything to hold on to and I don't expect anyone to pull me back. They shouldn't have to. THis is my life and I should have to deal with my own problems whether they're my fault or not right?

Pandas
Posted by Annthia on Thu Jul 6 18:31:00 2000 (#64)

Last night someone I had opeaned up to decided that it would be better if we didn't talk anymore. I have such a hard time opeaning up to people because of previous situations, and now this. It sucks so bad. I didn't feel. I still don't often. Does anyone else have these problems? No pain, fear, sadness, but no happyness either? I'm starting to a little bit. Right now, I'm aching. Inside it feels cold and empty. Even more than before. I'm STILL not making sense, have I ever? So I'll spare all of you the rest of what I was gonna say....

sorry about the weird subject line, they make you put a subject line, and I didn't feel like thinking that hard. plus that snickers commercial was on....

Re: Pandas
Posted by kate on Fri Jul 7 00:25:53 2000 (#65)

this person is not worth your time then. People like that are so self centered that they don't want to listen to anyone elses problems. A real friend would listen and try to help you. Talk to me anytime.