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Threads 3851 to 3900

5 days left
Posted by wallflower on Thu Mar 21 05:39:45 2002 (#15560)

So what's going on? Are you all gonna post your autobiographies in response to FROST's message. I guess there are 5 days left. I've been considering mine. I was just wondering if people are actually gonna post them because I don't really wanna just put myself out there and be judged if everyone else is gonna just keep quiet.

Re: 5 days left
Posted by elf on Thu Mar 21 05:41:51 2002 (#15561)

i'm gonna put mine... i think its a great idea

Re: 5 days left
Posted by wallflower on Thu Mar 21 05:47:00 2002 (#15562)

Cool . . . I can't wait to find out about everyone. I'm so curious because none of us really seem to know anyone . . . except the people who have been around for a while. Is yours gonna be long or just the "short and sweet" version?

Re: 5 days left
Posted by elf on Thu Mar 21 05:54:04 2002 (#15563)

i dunno... i'd like to keep it short and sweet, but i have a tendency to ramble on and on and on and on and on... i'm afraid i'm gonna bore people to death if i make it too long... so i'm gonna go for a medium length

Re: 5 days left
Posted by wallflower on Thu Mar 21 05:57:48 2002 (#15564)

Heh, yeah I think I do that too. I was trying to write something about myself in a different program to get my thoughts together . . . but it seems so long. I dont' know that anyone would really want to hear all that about me. I don't really have an idea of the kinds of things people want to hear about and I don't want to bore everyone. Hmmm.

Re: 5 days left
Posted by elf on Thu Mar 21 06:01:52 2002 (#15565)

yeah... same here... i'm trying to think of the things that i would want to hear if someone else was telling me about themselves... but i don't know... anything can be interesting depending on how you say it

I need advise...who knew???
Posted by Dawn on Thu Mar 21 06:08:15 2002 (#15566)

For those who care I wrote a thank you to my last email, which should have been a fresh post. Please go back and read it.

I asked Paul to help me today with paper work I need to have copied so I don't have to go to an appointment. When he came back and I was fuzzy minded trying to put the two sets of paperwork together he said, "how would you get this done in OK?"

you guys out there, would he have meant "I don't want you to leave me"?

When it comes to men I don't know anything except how to run away.But Paul and I have been together for four and a half years. We don't live together. But when I left Nevada and moved back to rainy Nevada about 6 months after I was here I asked him to move here to be near and help me out. And he did it.

I'd been praying he'd get the apartment right next door. If our doors opened outward they'd hit each other. We talk for hours when I'm playing a playstation game. But I don't like it when I'm trying to talk to him and he's playing one of his.

I'll be fine till he says something about not feeling like boyfriend girlfriend because we don't really hug and kiss. In Nevada we did. And we did after he moved here till I broke my foot and he said, "I'm just going to not marry you! I'm not going to marry anyone ever again 7 is enough for me."

That Slammed a door, many doors it you know what I mean. Then when he said the boyfriend girlfriend thing I started thinking of moving.

Its better than cutting ....isn't it? Cutting gets me past it, just like when my ex husband would come home in the middle of the night, crawl out of the truck with his artificial legs sticking out behind him as I ran from the darkened dining room window where I had kept vigil for hours waiting to make sure he'd make it down into the valley and cross it to our dirt road. Then even as I crept into bed I listened to the sounds he'd make taking his legs off and crawling accoss the floor of the house on his way to me. Half of me cringed knowing what was coming that I couldn't stop and another part of me was angry with him because it was drinking that got him fiberglass legs in the first place,

I'd always on nights like that pretend to sleep and it didn't matter to him, never had--- whether I was passed out, asleep, agreesable or fighting him off he'd always do his thing and I'd seperate from my body and go hide in the corner of the ceiling till it was over, or just tell him to cover me up when he was done.

my health is not good. but Paul is tired of being a caregiver. And I get tired of hearing "I'm not going to marry you" or we don't act like boyfriend/girlfriend"

He is still here, he helping me, but he is so full of anger. He cusses out nail in the wall or picture frames that are not easily hung. He slaps at hanging plants and dangles that get in hit over 6 foot stature. And when he strikes at them it is the same message my ex used on me. NEXT TIME IT COULD BE YOU.

Well I'm not waiting for it to be me. Now that I'm a cutter I don't know what I'd do. I hate watching men's anger grow because a similian version begins to grow in me and I know where mine leads. I don't know what to do. In less than 48 hours I'm to tell a housing worker if I'm going to stay where I am for another year or go somewhere else. And if is is somewhere else where would it be.

Is there any place on earth that is safe?

Re: I need advise...who knew???
Posted by She on Thu Mar 21 17:59:30 2002 (#15573)

Hya It can be v scary being aroung an angrey man huh? mae sure you stay safe. love ya loads She

Re: I need advise...who knew???
Posted by Krysten on Thu Mar 21 22:04:28 2002 (#15580)

I know it hurts to be there. Kinda like a ripped-up rag doll waiting for the chance to rip a little more. I'm pretty screwed-over in the head, but if it helps any at all, I'm here for you. My email is krysten@sweetwitch.com Write if you need me. I'm here.

Re: I need advise...who knew???
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Mar 22 01:22:11 2002 (#15591)

Hello friend, You know you'd be safe in my town, but I can't make that desicion(?) for you. You're a very strong woman and I'll say extra prayers for you while you try to decide what is right for you. You know how to reach me if you want to talk. Take care of yourself. Love ya always, Rhonda P.S. Want me to fly up there and beat Paul up for you?!!! (sorry, that just slipped out!!) Take care honey!

Re: I need advise...who knew???
Posted by mego on Fri Mar 22 02:08:02 2002 (#15595)

i dont know, but i have the same problem with guys. any guy who raises his hand to me, or gets angry easily, i'm afraid of. even if its just one of my friends. i've been hit so many times by my dad that i can't stand it when other guys act violent, even if its just a little bit. thats why i think that maybe you should get outta all of this. it could just me me being paranoid, but maybe not. just be safe, alright?

Re: I need advise...who knew???
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 22 20:32:56 2002 (#15624)

anybody who's violent or does things to you that you do not like does not deserve to be with such a strong, wonderful person. stay safe and do what you have to do to make sure you're happy. all my love, eleanor x

Re: I need advise...who knew???
Posted by Erryn on Sun Mar 24 00:34:15 2002 (#15664)

Hey I was in a violent relationship for 5 years and I thought it was okay but it not you already hurt yourself its not okay when others hurt you just please think about what your worth and get out now you can be happy!!!! please take care xxxErryn

bad day
Posted by She on Thu Mar 21 18:10:23 2002 (#15574)

Wow Im kinda not having the best week.Last night i collapsed and my mother found me in a bit of mess which she wasnt to pleased about then i started tripping i cant remember that bit and no one who was around will tell me what happend.Then she(my mother ) rang my new shrink who is quite nice btw.Who thinks im having a nervouse brakedown which i knw nothing about. I decided to go to school 2 day to prevent me gettng further behind, and one of my cuts opend up the blood went through my shirt so i then had to practicall strip and show a male teacher ,well now everyone bar me knows what they are going to do to me and i really scared.

Sorry for being a pain ,hope everyone is ok Loads of love She

Re: bad day
Posted by eleanor on Thu Mar 21 23:21:37 2002 (#15584)

sweetheart you are never a pain!!!!!! are you ok now? I'm sure it'll all be fine. it really sux. doesn't it seem like everything goes wrong at once? If you need to talk honey you know my email address. love you LOADS! take care, el x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x xxxx x x x x x x x

Re: bad day
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Mar 22 01:24:37 2002 (#15592)

I'm sorry honey, I hope your days get better soon. If you ever want to talk, just email me, okay? Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

bad day/week/life?
Posted by She on Thu Mar 21 18:10:43 2002 (#15575)

Sorry for being a pain ,hope everyone is ok Loads of love She

Scared aka donna
Posted by She on Thu Mar 21 18:15:21 2002 (#15576)

Hia how did it go today ?? Did it work. Let us know ? hoe its all ok now, Love you loads She

8 days
Posted by scaredinthedark on Thu Mar 21 22:37:49 2002 (#15583)

there are 8 days to count down before i go mentally insane. it'll be 2 years next friday. god, 2 years how bad is that? it's sad. i miss him though. i want to go to him but i can't he's dead and i don't want to die. i want to kill myself but i don't want to die. i want to live first. i want to be able to do all the things i can't do now like drive and have a boyfriend. idk anyways take care everyone. lots of love scaredinthedark

Re: 8 days
Posted by eleanor on Thu Mar 21 23:47:40 2002 (#15588)

oh sweetheart i'm sorry. it's so hard losing people. I know what you mean. I want to kill myself, but I want a life, something that I don't have now. take care and if you need to talk email me. love you! el x x x

Re: 8 days
Posted by mego on Fri Mar 22 02:30:34 2002 (#15596)

i'll always be here if you need me. i hope youre okay.

Re: 8 days
Posted by She on Fri Mar 22 16:31:56 2002 (#15607)

Ohh im so sorry you have to go through this . Love ya loads She

Re: 8 days
Posted by Erryn on Sun Mar 24 00:51:16 2002 (#15667)

Three weeks ago a old classmate killed himself andd it was hard to think that someone i grew up with thinks the same way I do it is weird you can do alot of things to help you get by go and talk to him or plant an tree beside hime and each holiday decorate it or come on here and write a poem we all care about you and will help you just teel me what you need and take carexxxxErryn

Re: 8 days
Posted by tracey on Sun Mar 24 22:09:03 2002 (#15692)

im sorry your going torough this, i havnt lost a someone close before, but im here for you and ill do as best i can to understnd, but i do understandin about wanted to kill my self, but still live a life, and experiance the rest oir growning up. you can always e-mail me, take care, love T

Re: 8 days
Posted by tracey on Sun Mar 24 22:10:11 2002 (#15693)

sorry bout my bad spelling in that reply

im free!
Posted by matt on Fri Mar 22 01:52:38 2002 (#15594)

hey people, sorry ive been gone for so long without notice... i got put in a psychiatric hospital for 2 weeks, but im out now, and going to an outpatient place every day after school.

matt

Re: im free!
Posted by mego on Fri Mar 22 02:35:15 2002 (#15597)

i'm glad you're back bro. i missed you. good luck!

Re: im free!
Posted by Crimson Fire on Fri Mar 22 03:34:56 2002 (#15599)

hey dude!!! im so glad youre back!!

Re: im free!
Posted by Silver Wolf on Fri Mar 22 04:24:24 2002 (#15601)

Welcom Home man!!!

Re: im free!
Posted by she on Fri Mar 22 16:33:57 2002 (#15608)

Im glad your back

Re: im free!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Mar 23 02:41:42 2002 (#15641)

Hi Matt! I'm glad to hear you're getting help. Keep me posted on how you're doing if you feel like it. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

awake
Posted by mego on Fri Mar 22 02:45:40 2002 (#15598)

this is by godsmack. good song, good lyrics. just made me think about some shit. Awake

Wait another minute. Can't you see what this pain has fucking done to me? I'm alive and still kickin'. What you see I can't see... and maybe you'll think before you speak. I'm alive for you. I'm awake because of you. I'm alive I told you. I'm awake swallowing you. Take another second. Turn your back on me... and make believe that you're always happy. It's safe to say you're never (alive)<- That word is supposed to be have! A big part of you has died. And by the way... I hope you're satisfied. Tearing it back unveiling me. Taking a step back so I can breathe. Hear the silence about to break. Fear resistance when I'm awake.

The Curse
Posted by Silver Wolf on Fri Mar 22 04:11:50 2002 (#15600)

We've heard the tales since we were young,heard the songs that have been sung about an evil spell. Someone beautiful is cursed,we feel sad through every verse, 'til a kiss and all is well.The message that no one can see is clearer to someone like me. There is no curse or evil spell that's worse than one we give ourselves.There is no sorcerer as cruel as the proud,angery fool.And yet we cry,"Life isn't fair!" Beneath our cries the truth is there. The power that will break the spell, we should know very well,is locked within ourselves. Yet we'd rather blame and curse our fate then change. We run from ev'ryone to hide from the pain,and all the shame. The story's old,we know it well,about a wretched,evil spell.The power that will break this curse, oh I know all too well,is locked within myself.

Re: The Curse
Posted by FadeAway on Fri Mar 22 04:35:50 2002 (#15603)

That is sooo true. You can ask for help and advice as much as you want, but in the end it is YOU who chooses to change or not. And for better or worse. I know that you'll find your cure though. We all will eventually, if we really work at it. Hang in there, you'll succeed. Email me if you want.

Re: The Curse
Posted by She on Fri Mar 22 16:48:04 2002 (#15610)

That makes sence. I like it . Loads of love She

Re: The Curse
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 22 17:51:00 2002 (#15613)

thats so true

hi... i'm new here.... I am a cutter...
Posted by pheonix on Fri Mar 22 06:46:34 2002 (#15604)

I am a cutter. I have been self injuring for most of my life. I do it in secret, or did, until my school found out. Then I was forced into treatment. I am in therapy now, but they want me in group therapy and all of this other shit too. It is all too much. I guess I am just coming here as a last ditch effort. They stick me in groups with a bunch of people on too many meds to even talk properly, and if I try to articulate I am told to stop showing off. I have a shitload of stuff going on, I just need help. but I don't know where to go, you know? Everything is just so messed up. I think that if I were dead I wouldn't feel this way.

anyways, enough of that. I don't know why I am doing this, telling you all this crap, but I need to continue.

I have multiple personalities. Pheonix is a name we all like because it is a sacred bird, and also unisex. There are some boys, although this is a girls body. The girl is named Abby. She is in the quiet room now... That is a place for people to go to get away. I am June. I am 36 and I manage the little ones a lot. Abby can't deal with them, even though she doesn't even know that all of them are here. She on;y knows about a couple of us...

I am going on too much. Abby spends a lot of time in the quiet room because she is suicidal, so I take control when she starts to do whatever. Whether it be climbing the the window and me taking us down, or coming out so she can't take the pills. She almost killed us last week. Jenny and Bee were not happy at all. They are too young to understand.

June

aby ttok the pillls and then she wouldn;t let juney take over to the hosiptal so we almosts diied. juney said shes been badd.... sho she is stil in the quit room. jenny

Re: hi... i'm new here.... I am a cutter...
Posted by Silver Wolf on Fri Mar 22 06:52:52 2002 (#15605)

well welcome to the board...I hope we will be able to help you here ...we know what it is like out there on the outside where no one seems to understand where we are comeing from !! hang in there and if you need anything let me know and I'll try and help !!

Re: hi... i'm new here.... I am a cutter...
Posted by She on Fri Mar 22 16:44:21 2002 (#15609)

Hiya Its nice Youve joined us. Love ya loads She

Re: hi... i'm new here.... I am a cutter...
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 22 17:53:34 2002 (#15614)

you're very welcome here. hope we can help. love el x

Re: hi... i'm new here.... I am a cutter...
Posted by mego on Sat Mar 23 00:19:52 2002 (#15632)

hey, we're all glad youre here. you can talk to us whenever you need to. e-mail me if youre having problems and need to talk

Re: hi... i'm new here.... I am a cutter...
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sat Mar 23 00:41:15 2002 (#15635)

yeah support groups kinda suck....i take it june was the one who posted, and shes 36? im just curious but did you go back to school to get another degree? im just wondering cause you said your school found out...or maybe youre a teacher...i donno haha. im just curious.

Re: hi... i'm new here.... I am a cutter...
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Mar 23 02:47:17 2002 (#15642)

Welcome to all of you. I hope you find this board a place to come when one of you has a problem. I'm looking forward to meeting everyone if they feel like talking sometime. I don't cut but my daughter does, so I just try to listen and help when I can. If any of you ever want to talk, just email me. Take care of yourselves. Love, Rhonda

Re: hi... i'm new here.... I am a cutter...
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Mar 23 14:28:41 2002 (#15648)

Hello I have a mood-disorder, Ive fogoton what its called, my therapists always whisper about it behind my back, So I can relate to what it feels like having all these different people inside you. My moods are 'erratic and dangerous' and it feels like all these different emotions are people. Im sorry to hear about the shitty therapy, Ive never been to group therapy so I cant comment on that but I do have a cancellor who is nice but cant help me. I hope you like this board, I think it's the best one on the net, Email me if you want to talk Love Broken Girl x

a song
Posted by rovi on Fri Mar 22 16:03:07 2002 (#15606)

Hi everybody, Its a song i like a lot, the words I like.

Just listen..

WEIRD Isn't it weird, Isn't it strang. Even though we're just two strangers on this runaway train We're both trying to find a place in the sun We've lived in the shadow, but doesn't everyone Isn't strange how we all feel a little bit weird sometimes Isn't it hard. Standing in the rain. You're on the verge of going crazy and your hart's in pain No one can hear though you're screaming so loud You feel all alone in a faceless crowd Isn't it strange how we all get a little bit weird sometimes. Sitting on the side. Waiting for a sign. Hoping that my luck will change. Reaching for a hand that can understand, someone who feels the same. When you life in a cookie cutter world being different is a sin. So you don't stand out. And you don't fit in. Weird. Sitting on the side. Waiting for a sign. Hoping that my luck will change. Reaching for a hand that can understand, someone who feels the same. When you live in a cookie cutter world if you different you can't win. So you don't stand out and you don't fit in. Weird. Isn't it strange how we all feel a little bit weird Strange, how we all feel a little bit weird Strange, cause we're all just a little bit weird sometimes.

I Really like the words of this song! maybe because I'm weird. to everybody HUGS AND KISSES!!

Vicky.

Re: a song
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 22 17:55:11 2002 (#15615)

hanson! god, i've not heard that for ages! el x x

Re: a song
Posted by scaredinthedark on Fri Mar 22 21:38:54 2002 (#15626)

no yur not weird i totally understand. it took me a couple of minutes to figure out who that was. but i got it. lol. it's hanson from their first cd/tape. i have the tape but i love that song and i see where you are comin from with it 100%. good job. take care. lots of love. scaredinthedark

love ya all
Posted by She on Fri Mar 22 16:59:28 2002 (#15612)

Hiya I was just wondering how you were all doing? Im not really sure whats happening a in my life at the moment so i dont know if im going to be able to come on here for a while but befor i go any where i wanted to make sure you were all ok and that you knew that i love and care for you all soooo much. Please let me know how your all doing . Loads of love She** XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx XxXxXxXxXx

Re: love ya all
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 22 17:57:54 2002 (#15616)

oh god, i'll miss you SOOOOOOOOO much! pleas try and come back soon! Love you loads sweetie! el xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Re: love ya all
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Mar 23 02:49:58 2002 (#15643)

Do what you need to do, then come back and let us know how you're doing. Here's a big (((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))) ))))))))))))))) for you. Take care of yourself. Love, RHonda

Re: love ya all
Posted by She on Sat Mar 23 12:33:23 2002 (#15646)

Thanx for all you help peeps . Ill miss you too eleanor and heres a big hug for you all too .lol, im going on holliday from myself at the momet but there ill be a computer where im going (I'll find one omewhere ) so ill stay in touch with you . Hoefully i'll come back all nice and fresh and ready to start whatever theripy there planning on for me.

Love you loads and loads. A HUGE HUG She I will stay in touch i promise

can't do this any more
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 22 18:03:20 2002 (#15617)

I've just come bcak from an appointment with my psych. my mums been on the phone to her telling her all this stuff and now she doesn't believe a word i say. it's like my mums put on this good guy act and convinced her i'm lying. i'm so tired. i can't fight this any more. i really felt i was getting somewhere with my psych but now that's been taken away from me. i feel so alone. i haven't cried in such a long time, i thought i couldn't anymore but i just broke down. why the fuck did she have to do that? doesn't she think she's hurt me enough? i just can't do this anymore.

Re: can't do this any more
Posted by She on Fri Mar 22 19:37:26 2002 (#15620)

Ohh I whish i could make evrything better for you try not to worry to much .Its ok to cry so go ahead. I love you so much sweety. She**

.......bleed......
Posted by jennyfer on Fri Mar 22 19:09:05 2002 (#15619)

i'm kinda new here....yeah...well...there's this song that i listen to when i'm gonna go crazy on myself...it helps sometimes....

I'm feelin' crossed I take it inside Burn up the pain, my thoughts are strange Just like the things I used to love Just like the tree that fell, I heard it If art is still inside, I feel it I wanna bleed, show the world all that I have inside I wanna scream, let the blood flow that keeps me alive Take all those strings they call my veins Wrap them around every f*cking thing Presence of people not for me Well, I must remain in tune forever My love is music, I will marry melody I wanna bleed, show the world all that I have inside I wanna scream, let the blood flow that keeps me alive I wanna scream, I wanna bleed Won't you let me take you for a ride You can stop the world try to change my mind Won't you let me show you how it feels? You can stop the world But you won't change me I need music to set me free To let me bleed

yeah i dedicate this song to my parents in particular.....they're real assholess...i dunno sometimes i feel like i'm dead to the world like everyone could care less what happens to me u know? i dunno...i can't explain how i feel...last night i careved the word "HATE" into my arm...but these feelings r something more than hate...i dunno...don't mean to ramble on soooo....

Re: .......bleed......
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 22 20:24:29 2002 (#15622)

my parents are assholes too. sounds like a pretty cool song. i often carve words into my arm, hate, freak. it doesn't matter that you can't explain how you feel now, when you find the words we'll be here to listen. take care. lots of love, el x x

Re: .......bleed......
Posted by scaredinthedark on Fri Mar 22 21:46:41 2002 (#15627)

i agree. i hate my parents but they smother me now. god i hate it. they are assholes but they are trying to be nice since they found out i cut. idk it's weird cause they never cared before why do they now? i like the song it's cool. i've carved i hate life and a person's name in my arm and death on my thigh. they don't know any of that though so who cares right. when you know how you feel we'll listen or you can im me and talk if you want. take care. lots of love. scaredinthedark

just a question
Posted by cindy on Fri Mar 22 20:13:05 2002 (#15621)

I've wanted to give blood for a while now-give blood the proper way that is. I just dont know whether I'll get loads of questions poured down at me about my stupidly scarred arms or if they wouldn't take my blood or something. anybody know if I'll encounter any problems? thanx love as always. cindy xox

Re: just a question
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 22 20:26:44 2002 (#15623)

hey. i've been wondering the same thing too. I'd be grateful for any response you guys can give. love always, el x x

Re: just a question
Posted by cindy on Sat Mar 23 00:54:26 2002 (#15637)

thanks erica that eally encourages me to go and do it....finally...awkward questions just get me a bit anxious etc. thanx again. love always cindy xox

Re: just a question
Posted by erica on Fri Mar 22 23:31:22 2002 (#15631)

Hi! I gave blood once. I've tried more often, but my medication won't allow it. Here in Canada you go into a little room to answer part of the questions. You are there with a registered nurse. She will ask questions about your sex life, drugs and other important things. Then she/he takes your blood pressure. She/he also checks for track marks. When they saw my arms they simply asked if they were self inflicted. I replied they were. They also asked if I was getting help, which I wasn't, and they strongly encouraged I do. And then we went on to other things. That was all. As long as they can put the line in you, I think everything is o.k. Good luck.

erica

almost pretty sure that i can't take anymore...
Posted by jennyfer on Fri Mar 22 21:21:23 2002 (#15625)

fuck! i don't know how much more of this shit i can take...as the days pass slowly and the weeks creep by i find myself obsessing about ways that i could die...i lay awake at night sometimes thinking of my pain...i don't think it's gonna get better i have nothing left to gain....i cut my arms with razor blades to dull the pain inside...but that can only last so long...i dunno...sometimes i flirt with the idea of pressing the razor harder into my wrist to make the whole world stop...i dunno most days sleeping seems like a less painful way to spend the hours than living...i feel freakishly different...i've never met another person quite like me...all i want in life is to be happy but it seems funny to me how fucked things can be.....

Re: almost pretty sure that i can't take anymore..
Posted by scaredinthedark on Fri Mar 22 21:51:23 2002 (#15628)

those feelings suck. sooooo bad. i want to die too. in 7 days maybe i'll finally do it. it's explained in the message 8 days by me. oh well take care of yourself. lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: almost pretty sure that i can't take anymore..
Posted by Erryn on Sun Mar 24 01:00:38 2002 (#15669)

You find alot of people on here that feels the same way, some act on it some dont you can talk to any of us, I wont try to talk you out of it but i will try to help you we all are kinda like family and we all care if you need me write anytime xxxErryn

pain
Posted by scaredinthedark on Fri Mar 22 22:07:05 2002 (#15629)

Surrounded by familiar faces with no name None of them know me Or want to share my pain They only wish to bask in my light

these words are so true. take care everyone. lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: pain
Posted by jennyfer on Sat Mar 23 00:50:35 2002 (#15636)

yeah....

Last week i was nobody

yesterday i was the same

today i was extremely popular tomorrow they won't know my name....

Re: pain
Posted by scaredinthedark on Sat Mar 23 19:39:55 2002 (#15653)

exactly. that's what it's like

thinking (caution: may trigger)
Posted by erica on Fri Mar 22 23:19:09 2002 (#15630)

O.K. I've been thinking. Last night I had to go to the emergency room to get stitches, don't worry there's only 5. Anyways I used to think that I was not a real cutter because I never went deep enough. But what is deep enough? I mean is it shallow cuts, or deep cuts? I'm not sure, but I think it could be any. But I was walking to the bus stop from the ER and it hit me. I AM A CUTTER. I can remember cutting and thinking it wasn't enough. Not enough blood, not enough times the blade sliced through my skin. It wasn't until I saw the blood gushing that it was finally enough. So what is enough. Is it the number of times you've been to the ER. Is it being hospitalized for being a danger to yourself. Is it when your skin splits open and you've hit a vein, or is it cutting just deep enough to see blood. And when does that stop being enough? It seems like the more I cut, the deeper I need to cut the next. It almost feels like there is this monster inside of me. He hides for most of the day, occassionally waking up and coming to the surface, but at night I let him out. I let him express all my emotion I feel inside with a knife. Because how could I do this to myself. How could sweet little erica do anything so horrible to her body. I cringe when I think about it. I look at where I got my stitches and wonder why I do this. Why do I think this is such a great coping mechanism. Instead of screaming at the top of my lungs, or sobbing and letting out my emotions, I cut. I pick up the knife, hold it in my hands, feel the edge of the blade with my finger and then drag the edge accross my skin, sometimes I feel pain, other times I don't. And for some reason this calms me down. I'm able to once again let the creature go to sleep. I don't know, I guess I'm scared. Scared because I want so desperately to cut my wrists. Not to die, but to watch the blood come out and soothe me. Let it envelope me in its dark red embrace. Because when I feel like no one else cares about me, my knife does. It has never let me down. It is my friend.

erica

Re: thinking (caution: may trigger)
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sat Mar 23 00:57:13 2002 (#15638)

ive never had to get stitches, but i know what you mean when you say what is enough? i dont really know what the question mean or what the answer means but i know exactly what youre refering to and how it feels...haha if that made any sense.

Re: thinking (caution: may trigger)
Posted by wallflower on Sat Mar 23 02:23:21 2002 (#15640)

I know how you feel. I've never gone in for stitches, but there have been times when I probably should have. Looking at my scabs and scars I'm beginning to realize that sometimes I cut more than I think I do. It's never enough though. I can keep cutting and cutting and go the deepest I've ever gone, but I don't know that it would be enough. I feel so detatched from what I do. It doesn't feel real. I think cutting is totally disgusting and it makes me cringe when I realize for a split second that I have scars all over my body from it. It used to excite me. That was back when I could feel like I was actually doing something. Now it involves no emotion. It's just sort of a reasurring thing and a habit. There was one morning when I cut myself simply to wake myself up. That scares me. I don't even care about what I'm doing anymore.

Re: thinking (caution: may trigger)
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sat Mar 23 05:27:24 2002 (#15644)

i know exactly what you mean wallflower. it absolutely disgusts me to see what ive done to myself, just cause i know that I DID IT and i can remember sitting with my arm over a sink watching it pour out. its gross. and it scares me too cause it used to be exciting like a big secret that i just had and it made me feel like i had something but now sometimes ill cut to see if i still can (i donno its weird) other times ill cut cause im bored, ive cut to make myself fall asleep cause whenever i cut i get really tired and i fall asleep. i still cut when i have panic attacks but ive started using it for really random things too and its freaky.

Re: thinking (caution: may trigger)
Posted by Erryn on Sun Mar 24 00:55:49 2002 (#15668)

Hey i used to not think i was a cutter till someone else told me i was. I once had to get 128 stitches in my arm just to prove that i could stop if i wanted to. (it didnt work) Once you know you are it is easier to cut and it seems like it has more meaning take care of your cuts and yourself okay and no matter how deep you cut its whats in your heart that counts xxxErryn

?Therapy?
Posted by liverpoolfc on Sat Mar 23 00:20:52 2002 (#15633)

Has therapy helped anybody? I went once but after about seven sessions my therapist was transferred. I had to tell her my story and it was very hard. Now I'm given the choice to go see another one. But it was so hard to tell the first person, I don't really want to tell a second. What do you think?

Re: ?Therapy?
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sat Mar 23 01:00:04 2002 (#15639)

therapy can help a LOT if youre willing to be helped. i know in my personal experience im really not ready to be helped so none of my therapists have ever helped, but i do know that my best friend after about a year realized she DID want to get better and she found a therapist she really clicked with and it helped her sooo much and now a few months later shes almost back to normal and im so happy for her :)

Re: ?Therapy?
Posted by eleanor on Sat Mar 23 15:50:08 2002 (#15649)

i've only ever had one and thats just fallen through for me (read can't do this any more), so I dunno. I don't think I can go through all that again, but if you think you can and that it might work then go for it. nobody can force you to make things work with a therapist, it's up to you and the person you go and see. good luck!

Decisions are harder to make this close to 50
Posted by Dawn on Sat Mar 23 05:57:35 2002 (#15645)

You are all right. I am a strong person. But I was a strong person when I was being raped by my ex and all the people before and since. But now my anger is fully charged the some of the characters I cut down to size on my PS1. Paul is a good guy. But it is the underground anger I worry about.

My ex was a charmer. When people from my church met him he wasn't the same man as he was when he was drunk and demanding. Even my mother (when she was alive thought he was the greatest) I had a better house, new cars, new boats, new furnishture. But none on them wanted to look at what it cost me to have them.

Now I am alone and living on assistance, yet have acculmulated a lot of bric a brac and furnishings. And I don't have a clue how I'd sell any of it and start over.

Its not like I haven't before. In 1996 10 years after I split from my children's father I rented a 15ft UHAUL and left Oregon for N California where most of my sisters and brothers lived. Then when I had to catch a ride with one or another who would take me to the dentist 40 miles away. God stepped in and let me know it was time to leave there and go to Nevada. That time it was an 18ft truck.

Then God let me know it was time to move through my same daughter who was on my case and going off on me while I watched my granddaugter sometime 7-14 days straight without out a break. And I was going crazy, but my loyaty was to stand by her and she was moving so I planned to move with her.

I had my apartment packed and ready to go when she came over and told me to stop packing because her father told her if I followed her she would never see him again, nor my granddaughter. So she said, "You are out. I want my daughter to know her grandfather"

So I decided to move back to N.Oregon because I had lived here before. So we went halves on a 24ft truck and I did all the driving with both shoulders torn and needing surgery as soon as I got settled.

IT WAS GOD ALL THE WAY, BECAUSE I HAVE NOT OWNED A CAR SINCE 1988 SO THE ONLY TIME I DROVE WAS WHEN I MOVED. And each time I moved it was a bigger truck than I have ever driven, and behind the 24ft truck I towed my daughter's car. I haven't driven since I moved here 3 years ago.

No matter what condition my body is in when I set my mind to do something and God leads me through it I can accomplish it.

I haven't cut myself for a couple months. Not because I haven't wanted to.. but because I'm handling life different.

I'm taking things to God. I have a good psyche nurse who calls me at home when I can't get in to see her. My nurse practioner listens to me and takes my complaints seriously.

In my heart of hearts I know its time to relocate. I don't want to be a big city girl. I want a nice little house with a fenced yard for my dog. A good doctor, and a good counselor. and a dentist all who takes medical cards, and housing assistance.

I look around and there are many things I can dispose of. So a 15ft truck will be all I need. I have a gas card with about $170 dollars on it.

So right here and now I'm putting this in God's hands.

Now I want to CUT SOOOOOOOOO BAD
Posted by Dawn on Sat Mar 23 13:07:58 2002 (#15647)

It cost close to $700 to reserve a 10 ft truck. I'm willing to sell or give away almost all my worldy possessions just to get me there. But where will I stay, who will get me my meds while my SSI and housing is transfered and.

MY faith took a dive. I don't want to be one of the homeless. I've never driven there before and I will be be leaving within days of my driver's licence e×piring.

I know cutting isn't the answer but it is getting hard not to cut. And Paul came over just after I wrote the first part of this. He cried a little. The later he said I was making a mistake. What do I DO?

Re: Now I want to CUT SOOOOOOOOO BAD
Posted by eleanor on Sat Mar 23 15:57:46 2002 (#15650)

i know it's probably hard to take what I say seriously as I'm so much younger than yourself and haven't had as much experience, but I think that you should do what your first instincts told you to do. go and make a new life for yourself ( and your dog!) and BE HAPPY. I know that you believe that God will look out for you and I hope that he does. you deserve all the happiness in the world so go and make sure you get it. you can get through this. and please try not to cut. I know i'm a hyppocrit for saying that, but you've done so well and I don't want you to give up now. please write and tell me what you decide to do. take care! all my love, eleanor x x

Re: Now I want to CUT SOOOOOOOOO BAD
Posted by Erryn on Sun Mar 24 00:14:46 2002 (#15661)

Hey Dawn, I agree with Eleanor you should go and do what you want dont worry about Paul getting mad do something for you for a change It may be rough for the first couple weeks but it will get better and maybe it will be the best thing you have done with yourself, just give it a try!!!! Trust in yourself and God. Take care xxx Erryn

Re: Now I want to CUT SOOOOOOOOO BAD
Posted by She on Sun Mar 24 20:14:56 2002 (#15681)

Hi Yeah i agree you should go and make a wounderfull life for yourself. I wish you loads and loads of luck with whatever you do . She

feel like shit
Posted by elf on Sat Mar 23 22:18:07 2002 (#15656)

i feel like shit... i got in an accident in my friend's car and fucked it up bad... we weren't hurt but i feel so shitty... it was his dad's car... and i feel like it was all my fault... after i got out of the car a started freaking out and sobbing... i really wanted to just die right then... we had to lie to the cops and our parents.... otherwise we would've been in even more trouble.... ARRG!! he says he forgive me.... but i just feel so guilty.... i had to cut when i got home.... i don't know how i could've been so fucking stupid... i should never have been driving...

and now i can't really tell anyone the truth cause that'll just make things even worse.... so i have to keep the truth and my guilt bottled up inside of me... letting it out with a knife

Re: feel like shit
Posted by eleanor on Sat Mar 23 22:56:00 2002 (#15657)

sweetie, I know it's not easy to forget things like this but everyone makes mistakes. try not to beat yourself up too much about it. take care of yourself. love always, el x

Re: feel like shit
Posted by Erryn on Sun Mar 24 00:23:26 2002 (#15662)

Try not to beat yourself up, I did that when I was 15, the only thing is we got hurt and we lied and said he was driving but then the cops figured it out and we got in more trouble, oh well as long as you all are okay dont worry about it take carexxErryn

I've been there
Posted by Dawn on Sun Mar 24 10:32:42 2002 (#15676)

Only it wasn't me who wrecked our just off the lot new car, but my drunken (now ex) husband. And we didn't have insurance on it so I concocted this elaborate story about rain and deer while our car sat inside our garage until we got insurance on it. I crafted the lie so well one day, all alone in my truck I just blurted out "This is where I wrecked the car"

As soon as the words were out of my mouth I was angry with me for all the gruff I'd taken for weeks by friends saying, "lt me know when you're driving so I can stay off the road. I kept the secret for years because what I did was fraud, but even worse than that I had covered up for an alcoholic to save our family.

I hate to tell you this but we don't forget lies, They stay with us our whole lives. Mine was back in 1982 and here 20 years later I know I did the wrong thing.

But don't cut yourself up or beat yourself up over it. Confess it to God. Ask Him to forgive you, and if need be step up to the plate and come clean or you could be cutting yourself for years and its just as accident. A car can be repaired. A clear conscious frees us to keep going on.

Life is full of mistakes and blunders. Forgiveness lightens our load....love Dawn

"our mission" my story
Posted by Erryn on Sun Mar 24 01:08:30 2002 (#15670)

Hey my name is Erryn I am 26 yrs old and mother of two children, a girl 5 and a boy 2. I am froma small town called Wapakoneta Ohio I have lived here all my life except the four years I was in the Marine Corps. My dad is still around as is my two older sisters. I also had two nephews. My mother shot herself in feb of 1991 when I was 15 yrs old. That when I started cutting, I guess it was because i thought it was my fault. I work in a factory and spend the evenings and weekends with my children who I love dearly. They make up my whole life. I enjoy swimming and going for walks with them. Well thats about it on my life I hope everyone enjoys it, because I dont!!!! xxxErryn

wanna make some money?
Posted by kendrick on Sun Mar 24 01:57:26 2002 (#15671)

now i know one of you fucked up mother fuckers has the urge to kill. yourself or someone else. so here is the proposition, i will give anyone that will $500 to end my life. i will also have a written document signed by myself and the individual that agrees, releiving them of all criminal charges.... any takers?

Re: wanna make some money?
Posted by erica on Sun Mar 24 05:09:51 2002 (#15673)

It's just my personal opinion that you are the fucked up mother fucker. I think it would be best if you left.

erica

Re: wanna make some money?
Posted by Silver Wolf on Sun Mar 24 06:24:12 2002 (#15674)

well what I was wondering ....what happend that you wana ask someone to kill you?? if you wana die so bad then I believe that you would be dead already...and assited suicide is still illigel...weather or not you singe anything!!!! so ....the "?" should be ..what can we do to help? you have made your cry for help but now you gotta tell us whats up what happend thats got you in a mood like this? if you don't want to talk about it and try to find another way out besieds death... then I think you had better learn to pull the trigger yourself .....everyone has prob's and I'm sure that from where you stand it looks preaty bad ....but what you gotta rember is that you have asked for help ..by posting your message on this site.. so let me(us) help you out of this and keep you alive...if no one cared about you then no one would reply!! E-mail me if you wana talk!!! Merry Part Blessed Be

Re: wanna make some money?
Posted by mego on Sun Mar 24 19:54:21 2002 (#15680)

ummm... if you wanted to die that bad, you would kill yourself, you wouldnt pay anyone else to do it. goddamn. you people.

Re: wanna make some money?
Posted by She on Sun Mar 24 20:37:09 2002 (#15686)

Sht I could never kill n e one else for ne amount of money . One of the main reasons im on this sit iscaus i blamed myself for fa,milies suiside for fuck knows how many years . But apart from that i agree with all silver wolf said , Is there somthing thats bringing you down that you want to tell us aboot we could try 2 help. Love She BB

Moving need help
Posted by Dawn on Sun Mar 24 10:12:01 2002 (#15675)

On again, off again. This time I have decided that unless God clearly shows me this is not his will I will be moving at the end of June to OKC.

I'm shakey, put I'm stepping out in faith. Please, those of you who pray. Pray with Rhonda and I that I won't be homeless when I get there, and that God will go ahead of me and smooth the beaucracy so that every thing will transfer without any set backs. I want to be a Caleb not seeing giants in the land but faith that God will supply all my needs as he promises in His Word. And that God will strengthen me so that I don't go ballistic and harm myself in any way. Thank you all and May God bless you by supplying all the strength you need to end this addiction we have with SI...Love Dawn

Re: Moving need help
Posted by She on Sun Mar 24 20:41:47 2002 (#15687)

Ohh im so happy for you i hope everything will be better for you there . Im not a christian but i will pray to my god&goddess for you loads and loads for the next few days. Love and light She

Re: Moving need help
Posted by tracey on Sun Mar 24 22:39:03 2002 (#15696)

im sure everything will go well for you, hopefully your life will be alot happier, and yeah i will (even though i aint a christain) pray for you, love T

i hope it works out well

alone in the world
Posted by stranger in the night on Sun Mar 24 19:02:23 2002 (#15678)

i feel so alone in the world........noone knows me i dont even know myself anymore. i feel so alone.......and i hate keeping secrets.......even the fact that i have to keep my name secret disgusts me.....am i not allowed an privacy. i feel so alone xxx

Re: alone in the world
Posted by eleanor on Sun Mar 24 19:15:46 2002 (#15679)

hey. many of us felt like this until we came here, some of us still do. You are not alone. Whoever you are, we don't care, we still love you. I know how you feel, I'm never allowed any privacy and it drives me up the wall. take care of yourself. love el x

Re: alone in the world
Posted by She on Sun Mar 24 20:20:36 2002 (#15683)

Hello sweety:o) Were all here for you . Hope your ok hows everything going ? Gess the next few weeks are gonna be real hard for you so good luck and be proud of yourself through them . Keep in touch with me of you can . Loads and lods of love She

Re: alone in the world
Posted by She on Sun Mar 24 20:21:35 2002 (#15684)

Hello sweety:o) Were all here for you . Hope your ok hows everything going ? Gess the next few weeks are gonna be real hard for you so good luck and be proud of yourself through them . try to keep in touch . Loads and loads of love She

Re: alone in the world
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 25 00:21:05 2002 (#15701)

I know things are gonna be hard for you but keep your chin up! I love you loads (whoever you are! ;0) keep in touch luvvy! Love n stuff, el x x x x x x x x x x x

Poem
Posted by Broken Girl on Sun Mar 24 20:16:58 2002 (#15682)

Victim of our system // Overshadowed by my pain // More salty claret tears // Are all I have to gain // Sometimes I think I've faded // Just left a hollow shell // Spent too long in limbo // On my way to hell // I'm lost inside my thoughts // In this web of eternal hurt // Their eyes are so confused // As they look at me like dirt // Oh I know they love to jeer // So many insults do they hurl // To the scarred and lonely one // To the broken Girl.

Re: Poem
Posted by manniqueen of depression on Sun Mar 24 21:41:56 2002 (#15690)

i liked your poem, its like something id write. its a good way of self expression, i also do mine through art (and cutting) which is ofcourse the less positive way! lately my poems all seem to be the same. its like ive wrote about my feelings so much that i cant explain it in many more ways. if u want to see my poems go to www.geocities.com/gemmalansdow ne/

i hope you keep up the creativity, i think it helps, if only a little :)

love gems

Re: Poem
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Mar 25 12:08:14 2002 (#15722)

Thanx, Im glad you like my poem, Im always writing poems cuz it sometimes stops me cutting, Im gonna go to ur web site a bit later but Im sure its great, I would like to write songs but I cant sing so theres no point. Why dont you post one of your poems to our message board? Luv Broken Girl x

not important
Posted by mego on Sun Mar 24 20:26:59 2002 (#15685)

last night i went to the bowling alley with brandy (tims girlfriend) and nell. tim dropped us off, and before he left he told brandy to not let nell do anything stupid. nell ended up leaving with some guy who was 22 and just got outta jail to get some alchohol for later. brandy told them to be back by 11:20, they were gone until 12:45. we had to sit in the parking lot for 45 minutes waiting for her, tim wasn't sure if he was gonna call the police or billy (billy's like a big brother to me and nell, hes really protective over us and has a bad temper, he'll fight anyone if he thinks its worth it)and was about to look for a phone when nell pulled into the parking lot with this guy. she jumped outta the car and got into the van. she was crying and tim got out and started threatening the guy while me and brandy tried to calm nell down. the guy ended up driving off, and nell told tim and brandy that she was just crying because she wanted to get back and they took a wrong turn and she didnt want them to be mad at her. i was tired, i've had a really shitty past couple of days, so i just climbed into one of the back seats to lie down. for the twenty minutes we were driving all i could do was lay there and think about how i wanted to be anywhere else in the world, instead of in that cold van, listening to tim and brandy fight and nell cry. my head hurt so bad, i just covered my face and tried not to cry. nell reached back and handed me a cigarette. i was almost too tired to even smoke it. and if you know me and what a feign i am, you'd be really really surprised. we went back to her house and she told me that the guy tried to make her give him head and all this shit, and thats why she was crying. about fifteen minutes later she was fine and laughing about shit. i dont know whether or not to believe her. i just want to get wasted to forget about all of this, like i did friday. but i have nothing. i want to go to sleep and just not wake up, i'm not saying im gonna kill myself, dont take it that way, i just want to be away from all this shit. all this goddamn disappointment, all of these people. i dont even want to be around my friends anymore. everything they say hurts me in some way. i dont know if they realize it and dont care, or if they dont know it. cant they see? why the fuck cant anyone see how bad i hurt? i'm gonna go have a cigarette, maybe call someone to hook me up with a bag. i dont know. i just need to get away from all of this. nobody needs to respond to this, i dont really need any advise. i just needed to get all of this out.

Re: not important
Posted by She on Sun Mar 24 20:46:54 2002 (#15689)

m soo sorry about that . It must be really hard or you to deal with that. Loads and loads of love She BB

Re: not important
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 25 00:02:09 2002 (#15699)

life deals out all sorts of shit but we survive. you're a strong person and I know you'll be fine. write down whatever shit you want if it makes you feel better, you know we're here to listen. take care of yourself. x

Re: not important
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Mar 25 06:22:44 2002 (#15715)

COME TO CALI

hello again
Posted by manniqueen of depression on Sun Mar 24 22:07:16 2002 (#15691)

hi there, i came on this site a few months ago but havnt been on since, i guess i was busy with college, and things seemed to be looking up, but alas it has all come crashing down once more. ive been cutting more recently and have discovered razor blades (i used to do it before with a little knife type thing) i got really upset because the psychiatrist i see is leaving. and i thought oh no its happening again. one of the main causes of my depression was because my teacher (who i was in love with) left my college and it broke me so much that im still suffering, that was almost a year ago and i just cant forget him, he was my world, and to some extent still is. im only 17 but i have learnt that love is just as bad as it is good. i feel so intensely sometimes that i just cant deal with it. anyone have the same problem? plus me and my boyfriend are on a break because i got into a state and stuff, and i just seem to be hurting people unintentionally. i dont know what to do. its like there is a kind of knot in my chest or something, the pain has been there for so long that i dont know how to be happy anymore. and none of my family properly understand. they assume they know all the answers and they really dont have a clue. also had an argument with my mum this morning because i said about myself 'when in doubt act like a whore' and she had a go at me for saying it. just another example of how i have to lie and cover up, just like everyone does. well sorry for that little ramble but im going crazy here. btw anyone heard 'suicide is painless' by marilyn manson? its on the tainted love single. its a good song, i guess just coz it relates to my situation. feel free to email me as i am glad of like minded people to speak with.#

love gems

Re: hello again
Posted by She on Sun Mar 24 22:21:31 2002 (#15694)

Hiya Im so sorry things arnt to great for you at the moment.I find it really easy to get way to friendly and dependant with my phsyciatrist who left me when she went on long tearm sick leave a few months back leaving me with a really nasty guy which messed me up a bit. I like suiside is painless alot i just downloaded it befor i came on holliday so ill have it to listen to when i get back. Loads of love Hope things get a bit better.You cane mail me n e time if you would like to talk. She** BB

in my mind
Posted by mego on Sun Mar 24 22:21:55 2002 (#15695)

i bled for you, opened my skin let everything out, you cant come in. youve broken me down to make me feel something that i believed might be real. you made me take a look around then left me laying here on the ground. i'm so cold, something i was is bought and sold. i'm awake and everything inside me is begining to break. nothing is going to be alright, you made me think twice tonight. and now i bleed for you, there is nothing you could ever do. i bleed for me, and the blindness you refuse to see. i bleed for us and all of this broken trust. dont try to make me feel alive, you've made it harder to survive. in my back is the knife you placed and in my mind rests your smiling face.

'my mission story'
Posted by tracey on Sun Mar 24 23:24:58 2002 (#15697)

im 14 and i live in the uk (eastbourne).i used to have bunch of mates (ladz n galz) we all got on soo well, happy life i lived, like no worries back then, me n two other galz came quite attached to this one lad, he said he luved us and well loved only one of us, we all new who that was. he couldnt get what he wanted from her, so he tried with me, he didnt get, only some of it (year ago). he cut in front of us, he tried ODing before, didnt work, but he blamed us. thats when i starting scratchiing my skin(not cutting), about june last year, i found out my dad was haveing an affair. later i found out she was a prostitute, on heroin, and aslo she couldnt get pregnant, but she did and had an abortion. thats really hard to deal with, as half of this about her, was kept a secret from me, a half-sis/bro i was nevr told about, and then nevr had. but then my scratching turned to cutting, now i do it more often and alot worse, i dont alwasy know why i do, i just feel the need to.

ok im really sorry guyz and galz, i have just rambled on forever about nothign really. but thats my 'story' i guess.

Re: 'my mission story'
Posted by manniqueen of depression on Mon Mar 25 01:00:38 2002 (#15704)

youve been through a lot of shit, im sorry for that. you probably know this but just remember that none of it is your fault. unfortunatley other peoples actions effect others and sometimes they dont think about it. i also started off by scratching, that was about 6 months ago now. but its good that you can talk about it, to people who understand because i know that very few people i know, actually understand me. maybe they say they do but really they dont.

how is your situation now? i hope its not as bad as it was :)

love gems

all my fault
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 25 00:10:51 2002 (#15700)

I can't stand the noise any more. all the screaming, it's messing with my head. it's all my fault. before it was mostly my mum yelling about me because she's screwed herself up in the head with alcohol and her shitty life and she needed someone to blame. someone to take it all out on. me. now it's all my fault because I'm the one who's screwed up. I cut myself again last night and they saw the blood. they want to blame anybody but themselves, but it's their fault. my mum's for the way she treated me and my dad's for not being there to stop her. they make me feel like i'm to blame for the way i am. but i'm not. I'M NOT. shit

Re: all my fault
Posted by Silver Wolf on Mon Mar 25 03:50:23 2002 (#15713)

you are right .....how old are you? if you are of age to leave then I would say do that find yourself some help and start healing yourself ... I some of what you are going thru only it was my dad ..or dad's 5 in a row step dads ....hang in there and if you should ever need a place to go our door is always open!!

Re: all my fault
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 25 15:29:31 2002 (#15724)

i'm 17. I am gonna leave but it's just so hard finding the money and somewhere to go. I did have somewhere all set up with my friend but then she attempted suicide and got taken away. thank you.

Re: all my fault
Posted by She on Mon Mar 25 16:37:45 2002 (#15730)

HIya:o)

Im so sorry i havnt been round so much at the moment but im going "home " the day after tomorrow so we can talk loads and loads then. You are such a amazing person sweety , Your pearents have no right to call you their child after all the pain they put you through. Let me know if you ned n e help with ne thing. Loads of love and a huge hug. I'll mail you as soon as im back She**

the mission - my story
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 25 00:39:10 2002 (#15702)

I was born in 1984 (which incidently was the year Bruce Springsteen's Born in the USA album came out! He's one of my favourite musicians in case you haven't guessed :) That make me 17 years old now. I have a younger brother and sister and atill live with my parents who unfortunately are still together.

I did have another younger brother, Oliver, but he died. He would have been 13 now if he'd have lived. His death was the start of all my problems. It really screwed my mum up. He died when he was a few weeks old and mum nearly died when she was having him. Losing him really messed with her head. Well she got real bad mental problems and I was left "holding the baby" looking after my lil bro and sis while she abused me and tried to kill herself. My dad is never around cause he has a job in the working in government (in the house of commons) and that takes him away from home all week.

I guess I started my depression about three years ago. I couldn't cope with the abuse at home, school and trying to be mother to two kids at the same time. Then a year and a half ago my best friend who had been my only support through the whole time tried to kill herself. That was the final straw i guess. I had SId before that, I have a huge burn scar in the shape of a number seven all down my arm from about 3 years ago, but gena's suicide attempt was when i started cutting.

I live in a smallish town called Chesterfield in Derbyshire, England. I guess it's kind of picturesque if you like that kind of thing but it's boring as hell.

I love music, reading and writing. My favourite artists are Bruce Springsteen, Led Zeppelin, Jimi Hendrix, Coldplay, Bob Marley, Bob Dylan, John Lennon, Alanis Morrisette, Greenday, Blink 182...............the list could go on forever! I'm a real music fan. I'm also writing a book as writing is my real passion, has been ever since I was tiny.

Anyway... I've written far too much so I'll leave you for now. That's me anyway. Love to all, el x

NOT SAFE IN HERE ANYMORE
Posted by Angel on Mon Mar 25 01:51:37 2002 (#15707)

Ok, Ive just read the arguments that have been going on.

Im not going to give an opinion because its obvious that we are not allowed one, unless it conforms to that of the REAL CUTTERS.

I was doing quite well, not self harmed for 8 weeks, I started to read the board in oder to help me get through.

And yes I did want to cry when I read what people have said.

Just when I started to believe that there were people out there who cared, that are good and kind to each other,who are accepting.I find I was wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I came to the board becuase I felt totally alone and quite frankly I feel a lot fucking worse.

If you think this helping anyone your way of the fucking mark.

How dare any of your tell anybody else what they can and can not write, or who should or shouldn't be here.

I feel that you made FROST prostitute her life (Trauma) infront of you to get your acceptance, does that make you feel good? Because it makes me feel fucking sick.

In fact I havent felt this angry, or sick since my father let his friends rape me, your judgement over people, people that need support and love and yes sometimes advice,makes you part of the problem,you take away someones voice and you enable people to continue to be abused, and to be in pain. I started for attention, Attention I didn't fucking get because of judgements like the ones made in the previous posts. This allowed "them" to systematically abuse me from the age of seven, Had someone responded in a more helpful way, firstly the abuse woulndt have continued, and secondly I wouldnt now be a REAL CUTTTER, but I completely refuse to use this title, because its dangerous. I myself, yes meeeeeeee, I refuseeeeeeeee to isolate anyone, or to make anyone feel anymore alone than they do already. If you can not understand the damage this could do you then there is something seriously wrong.

THIS PLACE NO LONGER FEELS SAFE

will I be attacked for saying what I think and feel? Do you call that support?

I feel lost again......................... .

Last time no one listen I got raped........

Hope is slipping away......................

FROST was trying to create an environment where we could all feel safe.

Re: NOT SAFE IN HERE ANYMORE
Posted by scaredinthedark on Mon Mar 25 02:50:13 2002 (#15709)

i guess yur right. idk if i've done any of the stuff you've said but i see where it's comin from. your a good person to say something like that. you have a lot of guts and that's cool. i admire you for it. well take care of yourself. lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: NOT SAFE IN HERE ANYMORE
Posted by mego on Mon Mar 25 04:13:05 2002 (#15714)

dont be a hypocrit. you said that you can't have an opinion and all that shit. why don't you let us have ours? frost didn't have to write anything she didnt want to, nobody ever said that they didnt accept her, we were giving our opinions. if you feel that thats being attacked, thats you. i'm sorry if you dont feel safe here. i really am, but nobody is forcing you to stay here. i'm not saying that you should leave, i dont want you to feel like you should, or anything that you say youre feeling. i'm not even mad, i'm just saying...you know? all the fighting has finally calmed down, lets not get it started up again. you can e-mail me or post if you want to talk about any of this shit

Re: NOT SAFE IN HERE ANYMORE
Posted by Incisura on Mon Mar 25 06:48:16 2002 (#15717)

dealing with something like self injury is a powerful subject to discuss. so its bound to cause conflicting opinions etc. everyone on here should have freedom of speech and if they disagree with something, to constructively say it. im sorry the board didnt help you coz of stuff u thought was unfair. wishing you luck in recovery

love gems (manniqueen of depression)

Re: NOT SAFE IN HERE ANYMORE
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 25 15:33:05 2002 (#15725)

please don't start arguments again. everyone has the right to their own opinion and to voice that opinion. Frost understands that and we have all made ammends now. try to understand as well

FULL STOP>>>Re: NOT SAFE IN HERE ANYMORE
Posted by ANGEL IN DESPAIR on Mon Mar 25 16:37:22 2002 (#15729)

Just to clarify, I also dont want to start an argument,or even talk about trend cutters anymore.

I simply wanted to express my reaction to what has been said, and the exfect of judgemental comments, on me, Me, My point of view, and it isnt safe in hear if we cant say what we think, for fear of being attacked.

And perhaps I am at fault in that I lashed out in reponse to what has been said. And in that sense I wasnt respecting the view of other, and I can see both sides of the issue. In that way Im sorry, but It made start to feel totally alone again, and suicidal, and my concern was for my self (I dont want to start slipping down that road again) and for others who may come here for help and support and be treated in a way that causes them more damage and pain. Which seems to me the opposite of what people here say they want and opposite to the purpose of the site.

My post in rectropspect, really is to ask for unconditional acceptance and support for anyone who feels they need it.

Therefore my post wasnt to say what people had said was wrong but to say hey this has really effect me. ME. and it could affect others.

I wasnt around when this all kicked off orginally but, it doesnt mean that either my self or others cant comment or express their feelings in retrospect. If this is the case you are basically invalidating my feelings which believe it or not I have a right to have and express.

Anyway thats it. FULL STOP. I needed to get it off my chest in a way that didnt end up with me in casualty, because thats how I feel right now, and actually what I needed was for people to say hey we may not agree over definitaions, or what ever but I appreciate how upset you are, is it really to much, to want, kindness and love and acknowledgement, SUPPORT>

FULL STOP>>>Re: NOT SAFE IN HERE ANYMORE
Posted by ANGEL IN DESPAIR on Mon Mar 25 16:38:31 2002 (#15731)

Just to clarify, I also dont want to start an argument,or even talk about trend cutters anymore.

I simply wanted to express my reaction to what has been said, and the exfect of judgemental comments, on me, Me, My point of view, and it isnt safe in here if we cant say what we think, for fear of being attacked.

And perhaps I am at fault in that I lashed out in reponse to what has been said. And in that sense I wasnt respecting the view of others,>>>>>> ;>and I can see both sides of the issue.

In that way Im sorry, but It made start to feel totally alone again, and suicidal, and my concern was for my self (I dont want to start slipping down that road again) and for others who may come here for help and support and be treated in a way that causes them more damage and pain. Which seems to me the opposite of what people here say they want and opposite to the purpose of the site.

My post in rectropspect, really is to ask for unconditional acceptance and support for anyone who feels they need it.

Therefore my post wasnt to say what people had said was wrong but to say hey this has really effect me. ME. and it could affect others.

mudshovel
Posted by mego on Mon Mar 25 03:10:08 2002 (#15710)

another good song by staind.

You take away//I feel the same//All the promises you made to me in vain//I lost myself inside your tainted smile again//Cause...//You can feel my anger//You can feel my pain//You can feel my torment//Driving me insane//I can't fight these feelings//They will bring you pain//You can't take away//Make me whole again//I feel the betrayed//Stuck in your ways//And you rip me apart with the brutal things //you say //Can't deal with this sh*t anymore I just //look away //Cause...//You take away //I feel the same//All these promises//You promised only pain//If you take away//And leave me with nothing again//Cause//You will feel my anger//You will feel my pain//You will feel my torment//Driving you insane//I can't fight these feelings//They will bring you pain //You can't take away//I'll be whole again

i finally cried
Posted by mego on Mon Mar 25 03:22:55 2002 (#15711)

there is so much shit going on right now. last night all i wanted to do was be anywhere except in that van. now all i want is to not be here. but last night i also wanted to be able to cry over so much shit. a little while ago i got in a fight with my mom, and finally cried. i cried because shes drunk again and bringing up stupid shit, from everything going on over this past week, from everything that i feel and dont feel right now. all i want is to be in my room, candles burning, listening to music with bens arms around me. not even doing anything, just laying there with him. for this whole week, he made me think that maybe things were gonna turn out okay. friday he was grabbing my tummy, which he knows i hate. he told me "if you dont like it, why dont you lose weight?" and he wouldnt stop bringing it up. i finally told him to shut up and that there was no way in hell i was gonna talk to him about it. he didnt talk to me for the rest of the day, he wasnt waiting by my locker for me like he always does. i know this sounds like that same petty shit that i get mad at my friends for whining and complaining about, maybe it is. but he made me feel so fucking good. i cant remember ever being as happy as i'd been when i was around him. i'd be talking to someone and he'd come up behind me and put his arms around my waist and put his head on my shoulder and it made me feel so special. like i was worth something, and now its back to that same, rock bottom feeling. its not those stupid little fights that girls get into with all the guys. he hurt me so bad. even nick, who i was fighting with and not even talking to, was talking about beating his ass. everyone knows and its humiliating, that i liked him this much and he doesn't give a shit about me. this is so stupid. why the fuck am i bitching? my eyes burn and my face feels numb from crying, i need to cut, i want to cut up my arm again, but its finally healing from a couple weeks ago. cutting on my stomach is never the same, but i guess i'm going to have to deal with that. spring break is great, isnt it?

Re: i finally cried
Posted by scaredinthedark on Mon Mar 25 03:28:11 2002 (#15712)

i know what you mean. i finally cried too. like i haven't since last year on march 29th but i did. i was so happy after that i cried and i just had a shitty day after too. but i cried. in 5 days it'll be crying again but i'll be ok. maybe. take care. and tell ben that it hurt you to say that to you. guys shouldn't tell girls they are fat or need to lose weight. it's just not right. lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: i finally cried
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Mar 25 06:34:15 2002 (#15716)

cut off his balls i say mego!! no guy that hurts someone so shamelessly deserves them anymore. especially not someone who hurts someone like you! mego youre awesome, really you are, and if ben cant see that then gouge his eyes out too!

Re: i finally cried
Posted by diana on Mon Mar 25 07:29:06 2002 (#15720)

i had a similar insident... well the 1st time i was going out w. this guy (we're still together been off n on for a year).. well we were at the movies n there was this like anorexic girl that he was lookin at. n he said "diana see that girl, i want my girl to look like that ". and i was like what r u trying to say?" n he was like "well just don't eat or if u hafta throw it up, cause then you'll be even prettier"..i was so pissed .. at the time i was 5'4 and 110 pounds.. is that fat? i guess so.. and little did he know, i was bulimic.

Re: i finally cried
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 25 15:40:26 2002 (#15726)

I'm always being told I should lose weight. I've never felt comfortable around any guys because of that. it's great that you he made you feel so good, but people who make you feel shit are'nt worth it in the long run. I cried for the first time in ages the other day. I hated myself for doing it, showing weakness again, but in the end it made me feel better. I hope everything works out ok. x

cant sleep
Posted by Incisura on Mon Mar 25 06:57:51 2002 (#15718)

hi i dont really have anything to say but i woke up at 5.15am this morning and i cant get to sleep again. could be the effect of the tablets im on, they put me on 300mg of venlafaxine. anyone else take them? they seemed to be working pretty much when i was on 225mg and then things got bad, in my head.

so i got up and tidied my room this morning. when everything else is such a mess, it makes sense to tidy up lol. listening to radiohead, ok computer which is a fantastic album.

wake from your sleep...........// breathe, keep breathing//dont lose your nerve//

love gems (manniqueen of depression)

Re: cant sleep
Posted by diana on Mon Mar 25 07:21:32 2002 (#15719)

don't worry i can't sleep either...honestly i think it is the medication that im on n also that ur on that keeps us awake. also, too many thoughts running throught my head.

Re: cant sleep
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Mar 25 12:13:34 2002 (#15723)

Im always tired but can never get to sleep. Therapist wants me on medication but mum wont let her. I also keep tidying my room at obscure times of night, holidays at the moment so theres nothing to do but think. Bg x

I'm not moving!
Posted by Dawn on Mon Mar 25 15:47:21 2002 (#15727)

I just came from the mail box and there was a letter for the special needs dept. of my health insurance. They want to get me the help I need.

Realistically I am not physically capable of packing, loading, or driving that far. I rarely leave the house because getting out of bed or even my chair is impossible for days.

Emotionally my life is like a roller coaster. The idea of having friends and families who would support me was like a magical dream come true. But I have to face reality. I have appointments for surgeons and doctors and housing pasted to my kitchen cabinets and it makes me crazy.

I don't want to be crazy or needy but both are true. But I've changed my mind so many times lately it is clear that I am.

Re: I'm not moving!
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 25 15:54:32 2002 (#15728)

You are not crazy and everyone is needy in their own way. I'm glad that you're going to be able to get help and that you finally made your decision. take care of yourself! All my love, eleanor x

I can NOT explan
Posted by D. on Mon Mar 25 16:55:47 2002 (#15732)

Life sucks. I have been rejected again by my "friends". No words can describe what I am feeling. Its just a feeling of help. Help that can not be explaned. I morn for better fellowship but its not happening.I feel like I am in the dark with no one to talk to as if anyone wanted to talk to me anyway. I feel like shit.It seems I am rambling but I told you my feelings can not be put into words. I hate my life.Slash! I cut my throat. I am bleeding to death but no one cares, not even a little. I am lying on the floor choking on my blood and spit. It don't matter now I FUCKING DEAD! What was once a pitty of sorrow is now one person gone for another to be borned; for his/her life to suck as mine once did.