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Threads 3801 to 3850

I disagree...trendcutters welcome!
Posted by Alana on Mon Mar 18 05:29:17 2002 (#15348)

Why do you all cut? I would really like to know. FOr some could it be that you felt segregated in a way - like you don't belong - like you're not seen for who you truly are...well then, lets remember why we started hurting ourselves to begin with and open our closed minds to a more broad perspective. You can't really sit here and demand that trendcutters are not welcome here...it's truly not fair on any of us. How do you know you aren't all trendcutters? How can you tell the difference? That's just it, you can't. Some people start out hurting themselves because they here of it somewhere...and then as time goes on things start to spiral out into self destruction, and you forget how you started SIing in the first place. We are all cutters - more importantly we are all people. We need attention to get through the day. All people need to feel loved, no matter how much they suffer. Lets open our arms to anybody who needs to feel welcomed, no matter what there reasons for hurting themselves is. We all need to feel welcomed. I do right now, and this board has never felt so far from me before. Support is the greatest gift you can give someone...so lets make the best of this gift. Lets give it to all who need it.

Love, Alana

Sound good.

Re: I disagree...trendcutters welcome!
Posted by the voice of reason on Mon Mar 18 05:49:43 2002 (#15351)

is a trend cutter someone who cuts for attention? i disagree with the whole idea that everyone is different, get off your damned high horse and stop being prejudiced. I dont think that there is one person here that, one way or another, does not cut, at least in some part, for attention. so, i mean the more you deny it, the more it is jsut because you know its the truth and are too chicken shit scared to admit it. putting your pain out there for anyone to see -- even when you dont show them, with such minimal tissue damage in most cases is about ATTENTION. so whatever. i mean, really, how many of you have ever thought, GOD, IF ONLY I COULD ROLL UP MY SLEEVES AND SHOW THEM ALL................... right? havent you ALL thought that? maybe people who have started cutting more recently have just been lucky that cutting has become more publicized. anorexia and depression used to be hidden but now not a day passes that you dont hear about them publically in some form or another. so, cutters are the same, there is a new genertation who has taken advantage of the openess of the twenty-first century. not impossible? so maybe we are just jealous that cutting for us could never be a true part of who we were to others. so, use those brains. does it matter anyways? its a friggin board. anyone can say anything they want. they are words on a screen, you dont have to read them if you dont want to. so just read what you want, if you wanna wallow in self-pity with someone who TRULY understands your situation (which i think can be very beneficial sometimes, dont get me wrong) then go ahead and let whoever else wants to speak do it in peace.

Re: I disagree...trendcutters welcome!
Posted by Alana on Mon Mar 18 05:57:03 2002 (#15354)

I agree with everything you have to say. Except that I do view all cutters as true cutters...I actually don't even like to think of categorizing it. It's not worth it. I think what you have to say is influenced by much intelligence, and I'm happy to listen to what you think about the subject. Thanks for the oppurtunity to see it from a whole different perspective.

Alana

Re: I disagree...trendcutters welcome!
Posted by FROST on Mon Mar 18 07:44:51 2002 (#15364)

(Why do you all cut? I would really like to know.)

I have lots of reasons. If you'd like me to tell you what forced me to cut, let me know. Cutting became my coping mechanism, just like smoking is for others. I was glad to be enforcing my own pain - not others.

(How do you know you aren't all trendcutters? How can you tell the difference? That's just it, you can't)

I agree completely. I was trying to convey that in my messages.

(We all need to feel welcomed. I do right now, and this board has never felt so far from me before.)

I know I'm a newbie but I'm here if you need someone to talk to.I'm here for anyone that needs an ear.

Re: I disagree...trendcutters welcome!
Posted by Lost and Not Yet Found on Mon Mar 18 20:12:54 2002 (#15401)

OK, i used to post here as lost and lonly, i decided to come back for a bit. i was reading the posts and what The Voice Of Reason said got me thinking. i agree that we all cut for attention in a way. i just think that the attitude to it can be VERY different. if someone cuts and goes round intentionally shows ppl and shows off about it then, to me, they are abusing the fact that it is a seriouse issue for many people. i hate people who do things like that, its not right. not when there are people who are so desperate for help and support yet they feel they cannot say anything. TVOR, what you said about wanting to tell/show ppl is very true for me. but not because i am self centered and want people to pay attention to me. i just want people to understand who i am. i have never been able to be the "true" me and i release that through my cutting in a way. i think cutting for attention can be right, depends on the kind of attention the person wants. if they want the attention of a medical professional, then fine. if they want the attention of their mates to be different/cool then thats wrong. just my opinion.

Love Trust and Pixi Dust Amanda

Re: I disagree...trendcutters welcome!
Posted by Angel on Mon Mar 25 01:47:57 2002 (#15706)

Spot on thank god there are people in here who are not afraid to look honestly at themselves.

Love to you all

Hope at last.....

I feel lost
Posted by Alana on Mon Mar 18 05:50:41 2002 (#15352)

I feel lost in the hate I feel from this world. I feel lost in my own mind. I feel lost in the love I can't give up to someone from my soul. I feel all too much tonight.

"Deliver me out of my sadness. Deliver me from all of the madness. Deliver me courage to guide me. Deliver me strength from inside me. All of my life, I've been in hiding, wishing there was someone just like you. Now that you're here, now that I've found you, I know that you're the one to pull me through.

I wish I had someone I could spend time with and show them who I am. I can't bear to be alone anymore. I feel that I can see what others can't...and this deep and intense emotion that I sense from the world around me has left me feeling dead inside. What's the point of living on the outside if you're already dead on the inside. I can't begin to explain why I can go from feeling alright with how things are, to complete and hopeless despair. I can't explain what I am to myself and everyone around me.

"I found out that the poets were the worst possible interpreters of their own writings" - I guess that explains why I can't interpret what I mean.

If it is to be, it's up to me to make things work around me. I can't trust others to shape my reality, my emotions, and my moral values. I have to be "ok". I view my existance as insignificant. Take a look around at the mass of importance in this world and really ponder what your life can do and can influence. Shit nothing. I'm useless. I would like to think that I represent a good attitude after all I've experienced these past years, and I'm a strong believer that attitudes are the mirror of the mind - they reflect thinking. My attitude toward myself is shit...my attitude towards the people in my life that I care about is quite positive. So what does this mean? How could I portray two completely different characters all at once. I don't understand how and why I've changed so much.

I'm not me.

~I am wise because I know nothing~ Socrates

I repeat that quote to myself sometimes when I'm feeling down. Gives me hope. Not much tonight though.

Love, Alana

Re: I feel lost
Posted by FROST on Mon Mar 18 08:21:43 2002 (#15365)

(I feel lost in the hate I feel from this world. I feel lost in my own mind. I feel lost in the love I can't give up to someone from my soul. I feel all too much tonight. )

Those night are the worst. I hate them with a passion. Those are the nights I lie in bed, feeling all this energy but having nothing to do with it. Or I lie in bed and have no energy but I cannot sleep. It reminds me of the lyric: "I'm not sleeping can't stay awake"Staind

(I wish I had someone I could spend time with and show them who I am. I can't bear to be alone anymore.)

I know how the pain is. I was so lost before I met my fiance. I was being physically and mentally abused by someone everyone thought I was going to marry. That makes you seem even farther away and even more lonely than you would be alone. It's so painful.

(I feel that I can see what others can't...and this deep and intense emotion that I sense from the world around me has left me feeling dead inside. What's the point of living on the outside if you're already dead on the inside. I can't begin to explain why I can go from feeling alright with how things are, to complete and hopeless despair. I can't explain what I am to myself and everyone around me. )

I'm here if you need someone to talk to, though you don't know me.

Also, I know how you feel when you talk about hating yourself but loving others around you. I cannot stand myself. I try my hardest not to look into the mirror as much as posisble and hate talking about myself, but I adore the people in my life. I would not be alive had it not been for my fiance. Either I would have ended my life, or the relationship I was in would have.

I'm listening to Staind now and it's strangling conforting . . . I haven't felt this down in a long time as well, but good lyrics can make anything better ;-)

FROST

Re: I feel lost
Posted by **??!!** on Mon Mar 18 14:33:59 2002 (#15370)

that was unbelievabale! wow! you are a very good writer, keep it up xxxxxxxxxxx

hey
Posted by elf on Mon Mar 18 06:33:56 2002 (#15356)

hello everyone... this is my first night posting here, but i've been coming to this site for some time now. i feel almost out of place, because i don't cut all the time... i have been doing it off and on for about 5 years. sometimes i go months without doing it.. but then i'll relapse and do it again. i don't see anything wrong with it except for the fact that it is an addiction, and i don't want to have to be dependent on cutting in order to cope with my feelings. i have been able to link my SI back to my early childhood, but i can never come to the root of why i did it back then. i know why i do it now and recently... but i don't know why it started. what is it that makes us want to hurt when we are angry, even if we're angry at other people?

well... enough of my babbling on... you people all seem really great... so i just wanted to say hello

~elf~

Re: hey
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Mar 18 06:44:22 2002 (#15359)

hey elf! i dont see anything wrong with cutting either. my psychologists were always shocked to see that i couldnt see cutting as a problem whatsoever, or why i couldnt understand why someone would think it was a problem. the problem is why you do it. and im not sure why i do it. youre lucky to understand why you do it now, is that knowledge helping you at all? im just curious. but about why we start....i have no clue whatsoever. i still dont understand how gashing your skin makes you feel so much better and in control...all i know is that it does, so i do it. im kind of curious about how everyone stumbled across SI here....if you dont mind sharing. when i first did it it was kinda a blur so i dont really remember...i just remember sitting on my bed looking out the window at the beach and i was just so incredibly unhappy and i wanted to cry but i couldnt and i was playing with the leather puncher on my swiss army knife and i kinda zoned out and my arm itched so i started to scratch it with the leather puncher, i didnt really realize what i was doing and before i knew it i had drawn blood and all of a sudden a smile crept across my face and i was fascinated so i did it again and everything was ok. in about a week i graduated to the knife on my swiss army knife but it was kinda dull so about a month later it was on to razor blades and thats where i stand now.

Re: hey
Posted by elf on Mon Mar 18 06:54:16 2002 (#15360)

yeah... exactly... the reasons are the problems not the symptoms... nobody seems to see that it doesn't help to treat the symptoms

anyway... the very earliest memories i have are from when i was little and i was mad (at myself or others) or really sad, i would bite myself really hard until i couldn't stand it anymore... it would leave a lasting mark, but never draw any blood. then the next memory after that was when i was in about 5th grade and i would use the wires from my spiral notebooks to scratch up my arms in class. i would just sit there and put my arms inside the desk and scratch them on the wires until they bled... but i didn't do anything to hide it, i didn't know what SI was or that people saw it as odd or anything... but some people made comments to me and i got a lot of crazy looks from my classmates so i stopped for a while... went through 6th grade with minimal SI... but in 7th grade i met a friend who did it, and she made me feel like i wans't alone in wanting to do it... so i started up again, and here i am!

Re: hey
Posted by FROST on Mon Mar 18 08:27:00 2002 (#15366)

Welcome to the board. Like you, I've read but never posted until recently. I wish you all the luck in conquering your SI and I'm here if you need any help or just someone to talk to. Frost

Re: hey
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 16:28:28 2002 (#15375)

hte first time I ever remember cutting I was standing in my kitchen. I could hear my mum and dad screaming at each other upstairs, dad had just hit my brother so he was screaming too. then the dog started barking and all around me there was this horrible noise. I don't know why, I just picked up a kitchen knife and sliced into my arm. all of a sudden i couldn't hear the noise anymore. it was like my ears were suddenly able to block it all out.

anyway, elf you're very welcome here. sorry you had to come when there's so many arguments about! take care, hopefully speak to you in the future, el x

Re: hey
Posted by She on Mon Mar 18 17:12:07 2002 (#15384)

Hiya I used to do it alot when i was little and then loads of peeps in my familly commited suisiad in a v short space of tima .But i only started cutting when i was rapped my abuser was talking to his friends downstairs & i other heared him saying shes a little bitch but she has a very nice body. After thet i was determent to wreck my body . Strange i guess Loads of love She **

numbness
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Mar 18 06:35:54 2002 (#15357)

who else here is on antidepressants? i havent been on mine for very long, just a couple weeks, but im not sure if its really helping....when im on the correct dosage i feel kinda numb, like i cant really be happy but im not depressed like i know it, ya know? and i still dont have the motivation to do things like pay attention in class, talk to friends and things like that, but when i triple the dose i can actually laugh and im pretty happy. but then today i didnt take it cause im trying to save them up so i can take a bunch and i just collapsed into the old feelings of despair that i had gotten so used to. i donno what the point of this was, but has this happened to anyone else?

Re: numbness
Posted by elf on Mon Mar 18 06:41:32 2002 (#15358)

i haven't been put on them but a close friend of mine has... she says the same thing. she hates them because they just make it so she can't be happy or sad, and she just feels blahh. so she tongues them and spits them out when her ma isn't around. i've heard that from a lot of people... that's why when my ma offered to get some for me, i refused

Re: numbness
Posted by FROST on Mon Mar 18 08:35:13 2002 (#15367)

I have taken Paxil, Zoloft, Prozac, Wellbutrin, Serzone and one other that isn't coming to mind. None of them worked for me. However, I do hope you all read this and take it very seriously: Serzone causes liver failure. I'm dead serious - no shitting you. I took it and it caused all kinds of problems with me. It has caused tons of deaths. I recommened you read up on it. It's not good. Frost

Re: numbness
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 16:32:03 2002 (#15376)

hey sweetie. yep i'm on them at the moment. I started about a month ago and they still aren't making me happy. like you said, I just feel numb. not happy or sad, just nothing. I feel like i don't really exist. does that make sense? I hate it

Re: numbness
Posted by She on Mon Mar 18 17:18:25 2002 (#15385)

HIya I used to use anti depressants alot but they reacted badley with some of the illegal drugs that i was using so i stopped .Urmm that dosent help much dose it. However i did go to a herbalist and she gave me some wonderfull pills ,they dont stop me cutting but they will make me a little happer sometimes . Good luck . Luv she

Re: numbness
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Mar 19 01:23:46 2002 (#15432)

yeah el i know exactly what youre saying, it feels like youre just not there or something. hey FROST, im not on any of those meds you mentioned...im on celexa and now a little freaked out about the side effects...you dont happen to know anything about celexa do you?

Re: numbness
Posted by FROST on Tue Mar 19 07:28:43 2002 (#15449)

Crimson Fire, I have not heard anything about celexa, but I will look into it for you. They just released the statement about Serzone, but they knew it existed for a long time; so it's a little scary. I will look into it though and let you know if I find anything.

Re: numbness
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Mar 19 01:40:08 2002 (#15435)

Tara was on Effxor XR for a long time. It took a couple of times to get the dosage right. If you feel numb, you should tell whoever perscribed the meds. They may have to adjust them for you. Please don't take any more than what they tell you too. If it takes 3 of them to get you to feeling better, you really should talk to you doctor. Let me know how it goes. Take care. Love, RHonda

g'nite
Posted by elf on Mon Mar 18 06:59:48 2002 (#15361)

tired and going to bed... best of luck and love to all of you

~elf~

back to trendcutters.....sorry!
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Mar 18 14:26:05 2002 (#15369)

when i first came here i asked the board a question which i felt was rather embarassing. that questoin was "what are trend cutters". the response i recieved was great and people gave me a definition of a trend cutter......that a trend cuter is someone that cuts for attention.

i so dont want to label or offend anyone here but does this mean then that a trend cutter tells absolutely everyone about their cutting on order for them to recieve tht attention or do they keep it a secret (prety much a secret anyways) like the rest of us??

im now hugely confused by this horible term "trend cuters" and i think that it is impossible to label anyone a trend cutter? maybe this is just me been an idiot because i have misunderstood what a trendcutter is? some of you said that trend cutters have no idea what its like to feel "real pain"? is what your trying to say here that people who just do litle scratches are trend cutters.

please dont misunderstand my intentions of this post here bcs from the time ve been here ive felt really close to a lot of the people on here....but im confused. does all of the above mean that i too am a trend cutter and you have unaware to it talked to me and helped me through bad dys?? iscratch my arms but im able to go through long periods of stopping. i have not experienced "real pain". the only thing i can use as an argument against me being a trend cuter is that the only people that no i cut are my mum and dad and psychiatrist. my friend however cort me on this site and found out but is what your saying that fi i were a trend cutter then i would have intentionally made sure that my friend was tos see me on this site???

aaaarrrggghhh.......i dont want to start another argument this is more for me myself because i really do not understand the term "Trend cutter" and im an incrdibly paranoid person and dont no if im a trendcutter or not?? but if i was then i ould be completely gutted because i have read all of your posts and seen how much hostility you have towards so called trend cutters???

(complete and utter confusion not to be misunderstood as a dig at anyone on this board) xxxx

Re: back to trendcutters.....sorry!
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 16:39:33 2002 (#15378)

hey sweetie pie. good to have you back! hehe! ok, maybe i'm totally confused as well, but my definition of a trend cutter would be someone who scratches themselves then walks around with it on show just to get attention. these people give the ones who cut in private a bad name and create a lot of predjudice. as far as I can see you aren't a trend cutter. (anybody else who reads this feel free to tell me if i'm wrong, I wanna learn just like everybody else). take care honey, love n stuff, el x

Re: back to trendcutters.....sorry!
Posted by She on Mon Mar 18 17:25:45 2002 (#15388)

Hiya than for coming back its sooooo nice to here from you. hows everything going? urmm i dont really know what the defernition of a trend cutter is . I think its someone who does it for attention . Keep in toch love ya loads She

Re: back to trendcutters.....sorry!
Posted by elf on Tue Mar 19 00:30:58 2002 (#15425)

i always figured a trendcutter was someone who cut because they thought it was "the thing to do" and that it gave them some sort of statis... and then they would show it off because they saw prestige in it... but hey, i don't know... i really haven't heard the term used very much.

maybe we just shouldn't label people as "trendcutters"... its bad to label anyway

~elf~

Re: back to trendcutters.....sorry!
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Mar 19 01:34:48 2002 (#15434)

hey donna!! im glad youve come back!! to me being a trend cutter is more of your attitude towards cutting. i know its really hard to stereotype that kinda thing which is why theres so much argument, but i kinda classify them like youd classify a brown noser or something...ya know? like theres a difference between just trying REALLY hard in class because YOU want to do well and sucking up to the teacher cause youre a little kiss up, do you get what im saying kinda? thats how i classify trend cutters, there isnt a set of traits you can associate with them its their attitude towards cutting. i guess i see them as people who dont need to cut they just kinda grit their teeth and do a teeny bit of skin damage and then purposefully walk around so people can see it. yeah i know its mean to get so annoyed by my def. of a "trend cutter" but there a couple of them at my school and all of a sudden people start really thinking of cutters as freaks and it kinda made people scared of cutters, which makes it hard for me to deal day to day when my friends will be like "DUDE did you see so and so?? theyre such a FREAK who would do that??" and im just like well uhh i donno dude yeah theyre freaks...cause ya know what else am i supposed to say??

please can there be peace?
Posted by ella on Mon Mar 18 16:34:56 2002 (#15377)

i was feelin really down today and i came on this board to try and find some encouraging words to help me through it all. but i came on to find only more depressing fighting and arguments...it made me cry. I may not put a lot up on this board but i find reading it helps me immensely, and i find that i am calmed and reassured by the stories and poetry and general talk.I hope that all the argueing will be over soon because this was my only place to come that i felt safe from the "judgemental eye" and the yellin and arguments in my life and if it doesnt stop i might as well never bother because i believed this was a good place and if people cant even get along here then what is the point really.....whats the point in tryin to be happy if eventually everything around you will fall?............hmmm ignore me i guess im just babbling cuz im upset. hope everyone is ok tho, and i hope people will be happier soon cuz i cant take it much more. love ella x

p.s. sorry if this posted twice i dunno whats happening but i cant focus very well on the screen right now...im too drugged up i guess?? oh well sorry if it bugs ne1!!!

Re: please can there be peace?
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 16:42:55 2002 (#15379)

hey sweetie. I know what you mean, I came here to find some comfort and there were all these arguments going on. I just hate seeing people that i've started to really care about getting so upset. anyway, hopefully this won't go on much longer! take care, lotsa love el x

to She
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 16:45:14 2002 (#15380)

hiya sweetie! how are you? just thought I'd see if you were around coz i've not spoken to you for a while. hope you're ok!!!! lots of love, el x x

Re: to She
Posted by She on Mon Mar 18 17:05:23 2002 (#15383)

Hiya im here yeah its really nice to here from you everythings a little mad huh? love ya loads She

Re: to She
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 17:30:37 2002 (#15389)

it's crazy! :) i hate all this arguing. i missed it all coz of the time difference and when i came on this afternoon world war three had broken out! lol!

Re: to She
Posted by She on Mon Mar 18 17:39:00 2002 (#15393)

Yeah i miss alot cause of the time diffences it usually nice comming home to loads of nw messages but today whoa. Ohh well maby things will get better. Hope so . How have you been doing ?? love you loads She**

Re: to She
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 17:43:02 2002 (#15394)

i'm ok I guess. been having problems with my medication so i've been at home today. i feel really messed up. jeez, and they're supposed to make you better? lol. how are you doing? still off the heroin? hope you don't think i'm being nosey, just wondering how you're getting on! love you loads, el x x

Re: to She
Posted by She on Mon Mar 18 17:49:21 2002 (#15395)

Hiya I'm sure that some of thease anti depressants and stuff are a compleate waste of time Hope you get well really soon .I hate being stuck in the house. Yep im still of heroin its been nearly 5 weeks now its seamed like an eternity but its getting easier now thanx so much for beliving in me. Love ya loads She **

Re: to She
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 18:00:22 2002 (#15396)

that's great! I knew you could do it!!!!!!!!!! keep going honey, and if you ever feel like you're slipping you can e mail me, or write me a message on here. i'll always reply. love ya loads, el x

normality
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Mar 18 17:19:54 2002 (#15386)

so things have bin weird round here lately havent they? well erm just thought id tell you bout what happenend to me today......to bring me crashing bsck ot earth (he he he)

i was at school having a relatively ok day when my stupid english teacher had a go at me bout my coursework!! can you believe he said to me that my article was way too good for my standards and that he wants me o print off the internet pages i went on for research. i did an article on autism to try and create more awareness of it and i thought it was pretty damn gud if i do say so myself then that twat goes n accuses me of cheating!!! can you believe?!!!! so yeah i no im crap at evrythng else but writings the one thing i can say yep thats me i can do that.....and he goes and shatters me with his sill accustions and lowering my self esteem even more by saying that it was too good for someone of my niteligence!! the fucking bastard.

anyway just needed to get that off my chest coz you no how easy it is to get wound up then the next thing you noyur slashing yurself....any ways hope evry1s ok xxxx

Re: normality
Posted by ella on Mon Mar 18 17:33:31 2002 (#15390)

hey well i know what id say to him if i was there and had heard him say that to you!!! (i would type them but i keep gettin stuff filtered on this stupid comp-but trust me is would not be "thank you sir have a nice day"!!!)

i cant believe people...espes people who claim to be our "teachers" that knock us down and discourage us when all we want is encouragement and guidance!! its not even their right to be like that so i dont see how they can justify being so damn harsh!!!!

ive had similar experiences with teachers...once my teacher yelled at me infront of the WHOLE class and said i was getting an F (completely failing) and that i was useless and if i ever was going to pass id be lucky and that it was a waste of her time to teach me if i was going to be busy off school with sports (cuz that doesnt count apparently for anyhting) and i would have yelled something horrid back if i hadnt burst into tears and been so embarrased and shocked that she would EVER yell at me like this when i knew for a FACT that i had an A in that class....i passed that class with an A+ so PLEASE dont listen to your teacher!! they dont know what they are talking about ALL the time.

Take pride in what you do...writing is your thing and you are amazing at it! you have such a passion and charisma that it will ultimately get you somewhere brilliant and you will be able to look that teacher in the eye and laugh!

go on and live your life and be proud that you ARE amazing at writing and never give up on it because its inspired me and im sure lots of other people!!!!

love ya, ella xxx

Re: normality
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 17:35:21 2002 (#15392)

oh dear! that's one problem i've never had. people have never said things are too good for someone with my intelligence, they have this view that i'm some kind of genius so when my works slipping coz of my depression {like now} I get told that i'm not living up to my intelligence. I hate the stupid pressure! neways, keep smiling hun! el x

ne altenatives
Posted by ella on Mon Mar 18 17:23:07 2002 (#15387)

hiya

i was just wondering if there is summit i can do to make me stop OD-ing on tranquilizer type pills that gives the same kind of calm?? also i wanted to ask if anyone knows whether this is classed as self harm?? i take enough to make me REALLY calm or pass out but only a few times have i gotten really ill and risked losing my life. i dunno just thought id ask?

love ella xxx

Re: ne altenatives
Posted by She on Mon Mar 18 17:34:38 2002 (#15391)

Hiya Its sooo easy to really on drugz .Heroin was my only way to get away from reality im a perthetic person and i cant always deal with it. I find keeping myself really busy helps,Its nice to be able to get away from reality without drugsz so i find going for really long walks alone can help to . I cant think of n e thing else yet but 'll get back to it . Good luck if u need n e one to talk to let me knoe Loads of love She

Re: ne altenatives
Posted by Alana on Mon Mar 18 20:37:08 2002 (#15404)

Damn those tranquilizers...ODed on them last year...was asleep for days. I do see ODing as a form of SI, you're deliberately trying to harm yourself...so ya. My advice to you is to smoke WEED, you're calm, you're relaxed, and you can sleep just about anywhere.

Good Luck Love.

Alana

to ella
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Mar 18 18:41:02 2002 (#15397)

hi ella.....just wanted to say thankyou for what you said in yur response earlier.....it otuvhed me.well ya know how to build up a persons self esteem dont ya?! you made me feel better and to say ive never reall chated to u b4 i thought it was nic so thankyou. erm so how are you and whats yor story then?? if im not being nosey that is just tel me to mind me own if so!!! lol! i can take it!!! ive bin cutting for three months but ive stopped for 3 weeks so far at the moment which in a way is something to be proud of but in another ashamed of if u no wot i mea. neways hope yor ok and feel free to chat any time you like. dont no if our on aol but my screen name is SMIRFS but anyways cya l8a and thanks again xxx

to SCARED AKA DONNA
Posted by ella on Mon Mar 18 19:47:28 2002 (#15400)

heya donna!

i know that i havent really spoken to you but i thought it was worth saying, cuz i hate it when i hear summit bout someone being put down...one of my huge hates of myself is that i never stand up for myself when i should..i always question myself and then sometimes even start to believe that i was the one wrong in the first place....and all because i didnt stick up for myself.

This has happened particularily a lot to me when im at school (im not bullied by classmates but i am picked on by teachers for dumb things just cuz they dont understand me and its happened since i was very young, so i get VERY upset if i ever hear that anyone else is getting shit from teachers! and if i can stop one person from feeling shit because of summit their teachers saying then maybe im kinda getting back at all of my teachers....cuz i HATE the way they have made me feel and i dont want you to be put down by them cuz you have a serious talent in writing and you deserve to go far...you write what you feel and what you believe, and thats what makes it so powerful....youre much more talented than me, thats for sure....i never could write...(oh yes thats another thing they like to remind me constantly about!!)

but i hope you really do believe me cuz i love all the stuff thats posted...its got so much feelings in it...its not pretentious!

well i dunno i feel pretty outta place here cuz i dont self harm...well i dont cut or burn myself. I originally came here to get help for my friend cuz shes started to SI again and i want to help her and i wanted to find out more for myself cuz ive never really heard much about it (as its a pretty taboo subject still in society i guess?) and i always wanted to know what people were thinking and why and stuff like that cuz i dont like hearing all the "stereotypical" comments...so i wanted to find out for myself.

Besides finding out loads of info and finding a board of people that are actually REALLY caring and loving and GENUINE people(and most are VERY talented writers looking at all the poetry and stories) I found that i can somehow relate to you lot...

altho i dont cut myself or externally damage myself (do u know whether this is SI?)i take over doses of pills, sometimes every other day, sometimes every few hours, gues it depends how im feeling...i take all sorts of pills...i just get to my room and swallow four or five really strong sedative type pills to let myself get to that really hazey state so i can dull everything in me....i dunno whether you would call this self harm or if im just stupid but its what i do to cope....?i have tried to properly overdose a couple of times and have ended up in hospital before but obviously i havent succeeded...im never sure whether thats a good thing or a bad thing. Sometimes i go around for days in a complete state because im so unhappy.

i dunno whether you wanna know bout all that....im sure people are like "what the hell is she doing on a site for SI if she doesnt even SI" but somehow i feel i really connect with all the pain and suffering and i havent found ANYWHERE else that people who actually suffer from all this, are talking, and are trying to help each other....do you get what i mean??i feel like im the only one who does this and its really hard to know where i fit in....or if i fit in at all!

i would probably not be here at all if i hadnt found this board because i thought nobody was feeling the way i feel and that nobody would ever care bout it all...i know i dont cut but i felt like this was my last chance!

as for you....well done for being so strong as to hold back from cutting for three weeks...its a start right and even if you dont last much longer till you next cut at least you can look back on it as an accomplishment to yourself and a lil step forward to coping with everything in a different way, you controlled those three weeks in a different way to before and you didnt harm yourself (you can tell me if im wrong but thats what i think) you should be pround of yourself!!! just try not to be ashamed of yourself no matter what you do because its all a way of coping...and just by coping you are controlling your life and choosing whether you live...which is WAY better than (for example) all the times i have tried to overdose to end my life....so no matter what be proud that you are trying to sort it out, cuz then on the hard days at least there will be ONE thing for you to be HOPEFUL about...right?

well i think ive babbled a lot for you...i hope you understand what i mean and arent mad at any of it...sometimes i get all confused at my point and then say summit i dont mean to and offend someone...so just know everything i said was meant to be good

:)

hope to hear from you soon

love ella xxx

Re: to SCARED AKA DONNA
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Mar 18 21:11:11 2002 (#15408)

you shoudlnt feel out of place at all.......k so you dont cut but that doesnt mean you have no right to be here. without trying to make you feel any worse or frighten you in anyway for what its worth i do actually think that what you have described is a form of self harm. youre harming yourself (coz taking those drugs cant be doing you any good) trying to block out whatever pain it is that youre going through and although tis method dosnt actually cause you any pain (well actually im just guessing there but pls tell me if im wrong) its still causing you harm and is a coping mechanism. i think that you hand out really god advice. i think everyone hands out eally good advice on here and to be completely honest despite the reasons we are al here individually its stil a great place to come to because the relationships between evry1 is absolutely brilliant. im not offended by anything you said there at all why would i be?? what you said is all true......i think anyway. you should never feel out of place in here...i thought that at first because i dont cut as deep as the others???!!!! which in a sense is what you and i have in commom coz you are doubting whether you hsould be welcome here or not too. i guess im just a paranoid person but that whi i am and i cant change that. well im glad i got talknig to you because you have made me feel a lil bit more relaxed tonight. i was seriously considering cutting my leg tonight so that i dont look stupid infront of my shrink tomorrow. you know coz al of my marks have pretty much faded quickly...im lucky in that respect....anyways geeeesh im as bad as you for writing novels as a response i babble too much so im going ot go now

take care of yourself and thankyou again xxx

music
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 19:19:33 2002 (#15398)

hey everyone. I thought i'd give everyone something else to talk about considering what went off yesterday. when I'm feeling really down sometimes the only thing that can comfort me is listening to music. sometimes song lyrics seem to be the only thing that understands. I light up a cigarette (although i am trying to give up at the moment, yet another losing battle) and let myself get lost.

I was just wondering what kind of music you guys listen to. I really like bruce springsteen, led zeppelin, jimi hendrix, blink 182, greenday and things like that. I'm not really fussy though, i'll listen to most things. my favorite songs are black dog and stairway to heaven by led zeppelin and born to run by springsteen. I play born to run at top volume when I'm really down because it reminds me of my dream of getting out of this hell.

anyways, hope you're all ok. take care of yourselves. love y'all

Re: music
Posted by She on Mon Mar 18 19:31:47 2002 (#15399)

Hiya I love led zeppeling to time seams to fly by listening to him. I really like stuff like Muse,nirvana,static x,def leppord,jaded,ect I love listening to radiohead when im depressed . Love ya loads She**

Re: music
Posted by FROST on Tue Mar 19 08:02:43 2002 (#15453)

She - Of all the bands you listed, I really like Nirvana. The others really don't do much for me.

Re: music
Posted by Lost and Not Yet Found on Mon Mar 18 20:21:53 2002 (#15402)

i listen to varied music, at lot of Marilyn Manson, Korn, Guns 'n' Roses ect. my fav songs are Last Resort by Papa Roach, I Don't Like The Drugs(But The Drugs Like Me) by Manson. Three of my ultimate favs are Paradise City, Cowboy(cant remember who these are by) and I Dont Want To Miss A Thing by Aerosmith. these are my favs as they were loved by two of my friends who died. they are the sort of song where if im in a bad mood they make me cry and let all my feelings out and if im in a good mood they make me happy coz i know nothing more can hurt Isaac and Danni.

Amanda

Re: music
Posted by Alana on Mon Mar 18 20:34:47 2002 (#15403)

System of A Down, Tori Amos (all time fave), Matthew Good, Dave Matthews, Disturbed, Barenaked Ladies, Tool, NIN (another fave), Korn (way up there on the list), U2.....damn there's so many more, but you get the drift.

Alana

Re: music
Posted by FROST on Tue Mar 19 08:04:19 2002 (#15454)

Alana I really like System of a Down, Disturbed and Korn as well :) Frost

Re: music
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Mar 18 21:16:19 2002 (#15410)

hey eleanor chuck, so how ya doin???

i love to listen to music. my favourite artist is michael jackson i have 75 of his singles i think hes great. my alltime favourite songs are BEAT IT (michael jackson), SMILE (michael jackson), everybody hurts (REM) and ill be missing you (puff daddy) i also love stereophonics (just looking). i love music its my lifeline that doesnt involve turning on the computer!! lol!

music is my life, sad i know but true xxxx

my inspiration is michael jackson

scared aka donna
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 21:42:05 2002 (#15415)

i'm not too bad thanks luvvy! it's not sad at all. music is my life too, well that and writing. i also love the stereophonics. i've not listened to much michael jackson. have you got the performance and cocktails 'phonics album? I love number 11, aaaaaah whats it called? she takes her clothes off I think or something like that

Re: music
Posted by ella on Mon Mar 18 21:23:30 2002 (#15412)

now this is summit i can definately agree with!! i LOVE music...it is what gets me throught the day! i have different music for EVERY kind of mood possible to help me calm down, relax, let out my emotions and recover! i love papa roach, linkin park, limp biskit, p.o.d,staind, puddle of mud, nickelback, loadsa punk rock...then theres the other side of music i love, like westlife, sting, puff daddy, loadsa old songs and LOTS of really depressing sad music that makes me cry....sometimes i feel like when i cry, i cry really hard, and i almost feel a sense of release after sobbing my heart out with my depressing music.

without music i would be lost!!!

love ella xx hope everyone is doing ok

Re: music
Posted by diana on Mon Mar 18 21:29:24 2002 (#15413)

i like to listen to a lot of techno. and when im not listening to that i listen to bush, u2, linkin park, blink182, staind....etc.-diana

Re: music
Posted by elf on Tue Mar 19 00:17:52 2002 (#15424)

music has been such a savior to me. sometimes it seems like the music is the only thing that understands. i don't know where i'd be without music.

i listen to a really wide variety of stuff.. but for the most part i guess i stick to rock, techno, and punk/ska... but it varies A LOT! it all depends on my mood i guess

i like to listen to Smashing Pumpkins a lot, they're pretty much my favorite band... their lyrics are really beautiful and have inspired me a lot. recently i've been listening to a lot of Silverchair and a lot of They Might Be Giants (for an up-beat change).

Music is one of the greatest things ever.

~elf~

Re: music
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Mar 19 01:33:23 2002 (#15433)

You can definately tell that I'm the old foggy here. I like country music(I know!!!) I also like a lot of classic rock like Boston, Journey, Lynyrd Skynyrd, REO, Bob Segar and the Silver Bullet Band, Rolling Stones,Def Lepard, Deep Purple. But there are some songs of Staind and Creed that I like. For easy listening I like Eva Cassidy. I'll listen to just about anything once except rap music. Sorry, I can't stand that stuff. My list could go on and on, but I'll stop for now. Take care everyone. Love, RHonda

Re: music
Posted by FROST on Tue Mar 19 08:00:39 2002 (#15452)

I just really like to listen to things that make me think, or things that I can relate to. Staind is great; I love Disturbed and Godsmack. Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" makes me cry all the time; it reminds me of my child. I love Bryan Adams as well :)

Re: music
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 19 13:33:40 2002 (#15459)

hey FROST. eric clapton's tears in heaven makes me cry too. it was played at my little brothers funeral so it has a lot of memories for me. :)

Re: music
Posted by tracey on Tue Mar 19 22:26:18 2002 (#15498)

hi,

well i like listening to wheatus *punk ass bitch*, linkin park *in the end*, blink 182 *adam's song*, sum41 *rhythems*, but when im sad i like cyndi lauper *true colours* - complety differnt from the others, but i just love that song.

hope everyone is doing alright, love tracey

Re: music
Posted by ella on Tue Mar 19 22:30:50 2002 (#15499)

i LOVE cyndi lauper....i completely forgot that...i have that album too its really good to listen to cuz it reminds me of a time back when i was young and didnt know anything and i was happy.

oh the memories :)

love ella xxx

Re: music
Posted by ella on Tue Mar 19 22:37:02 2002 (#15500)

oh and ONE more band that i love and i dont care what poeple think but Alanis Morrisette ......theres just summit great bout all her songs that really make me feel better once ive belted the entire album out...i want her new album...i have Jagged Litle Pill (haha kinda ironic i have that one considering thats what i like to take haha)

well hmmmm im confusin myself now so oh well hehe im going to think up summit else to say

love ya ALL ella xxx

Re: music
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 20 08:59:26 2002 (#15520)

OH MY GOD! that's such a great album!!!!!!!!!! I just bought it yesterday and haven't stopped listening to it since!!!!!!

Re: music
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Mar 21 20:40:10 2002 (#15578)

There are three things in my life; music, Cutting and the Internet. Sad isn't it? But there you go… I really like Coldplay, Elbow, Nirvana and the Verve, but when I really need pick you up music then its Bob Marley or REM's 'out of time'. I also really like Bob Dylan, Donovan + John Lennon, but no one else I know likes my kind of music so I don't get to go on about it much, that is my excuse for these ramblings! Some times I feel like just talking in lyrics, they make a lot more sense to how I feel then any thing else Ive heard. Broken Girl x

to broken girl
Posted by eleanor on Sat Mar 23 18:11:37 2002 (#15651)

I know what you mean! song lyrics make so much more sense than anything else to me. I also like bob marley, john lennon, bob dylan, and coldplay!!!!!! which are your favourite songs by them? love el x

Re: to broken girl
Posted by Broken Girl on Sun Mar 24 20:46:30 2002 (#15688)

Hello Yay!!! Some one else with taste, I love 'Spies' by Coldplay and that last track on the album, cant remember what its called… I love most songs by Bob Dylan but especially the Blood on the Tracks album and The Freewheeling, Imagine by John Lennon, I love Buffalo Soldier and One love by Bob Marley the best. What are you favourites? Do you like Leonard Cohen, I forgot to mention him last time he is another genius that none of my friends like. But mind you they all seem to like Kerrang music, which is pretty different to Bob Marley! Love Broken Girl x

Re: to broken girl
Posted by eleanor on Sun Mar 24 23:54:45 2002 (#15698)

anything by bob dylan is great! i also love imagine by lennon and one love by bob marley. I've not heard anything by leonard cohen but I'll check him out if I get the chance. love el x

Re: to broken girl
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Mar 25 12:03:48 2002 (#15721)

Hi, Leonard Cohen is great, my fave albumn is Famous Blue Raincoat, but most of his stuff is fantastic. Luv BG x

a lone pair of watchful eyes
Posted by Alana on Mon Mar 18 20:51:00 2002 (#15405)

"A lone pair of watchful eyes oversee the living"

Why doesn't anyone watch over me? Am I that stupid that nobody cares? Why are people happy, and I'm not? Do I really deserve what I feel everyday? I must. YOu receive what you dish out. Well fuck.

Alana

Re: a lone pair of watchful eyes
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Mar 18 21:23:12 2002 (#15411)

theres no point in beating yourself up about that one hun coz that means that theres a hell of a lot of us out there that would have to ask that same question and be paranoid about whether anyone is watching over us. you are NOT STUPID so dont let me evre hear you saying that again!!! you are just a human like the rest of us nad are going through a very very tough time like the majority of us will do in our life time. theres no point wasting life questioning life because that means your not living your life. weve just gotta realise that we will never find the answers to those sort of questions and that beating ourselfs up over them aint gunna help. i hope you are ok and i hope i havent offended u in any way?? anyway take care ok xxxx

and remember i care which is always nice to know he he he lol!!!

Re: a lone pair of watchful eyes
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 21:50:05 2002 (#15416)

I feel like that all the time, like there's no one out there for me. nobdy who cares. I started to believe that I don't deserve to be happy, that this is lifes way of telling me that I'm not worth anything. maybe it's true, i don't know. but people on here care about you, so never give up. take care.

Re: a lone pair of watchful eyes
Posted by she on Mon Mar 18 23:14:57 2002 (#15420)

hiya We all deserve to be happy but we dont seam to be i dont like to let myself be happy cause then it seams wors when im depressed (dose that make seance?) I care sooooo much about you all Love ya loads She**

Re: a lone pair of watchful eyes
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Mar 19 01:23:40 2002 (#15431)

You're not stupid Alana! And you deserve all the good things in life. If I could get them for you, I would. Please take care of yourself honey. I'm thinking about you. Love, Rhonda

Re: a lone pair of watchful eyes
Posted by tracey on Tue Mar 19 22:49:41 2002 (#15502)

Alana you dont deserve how you feel evryday, you deserve to be happy, and lucky for some they are, but sadly others of us arnt. and your not stupid, no way! love tracey

Re: a lone pair of watchful eyes
Posted by jennyfer on Fri Mar 22 18:43:33 2002 (#15618)

i dunno.....the saying "peole get what they deserve" means nothing to me...what did i do to deserve this punishment? u know? sometimes i feel like...who gives a fuck if my life sux?! not everyone is happy...i know i'm not....but sometimes i see people and i know that they'll be happy the next and the nextand i won't...it kinda sux but hay!man i dunno......

Psychiatric needs?
Posted by Susan on Mon Mar 18 20:53:38 2002 (#15406)

Good evening to you all. My name is Susan and I am currently training to be a psychiatric nurse. My question to anyone who feels happy to talk about it is what do you feel you need from psychiatric services if/when you come into contact with them? For those of you with experience what have you found helpful in the past? For example do you find close observations on an in-patient ward reassuring or intrusive? Do you feel that contracts regarding your self-harming help YOU or the nurses to feel safe?

I'm 6 months from registering and am writing an essay entitled 'The social context of self-harm'.

Many, many thanks in advance for any response.

Susan

Re: Psychiatric needs?
Posted by the voice of reason on Tue Mar 19 00:11:01 2002 (#15423)

i feel that over-protective nurses are like over-protective parents. sometimes it feels really good to know that there is someone there who cares about you, but when the nurse is a complete bitch who couldnt give a fuck about you its just annoying. i think that self-harm contracts are stupid. if you are not ready to stop then you either end up doing it for someone else and it doesnt last or feeling guilty. when you are ready to stop, you do and there is no contract needed. i think its very individualistic. you need to feel out the patient to find out how much space to allow. when everyone was down my throat all the time about cutting i cut more than ever just to prove that i could do what i wanted. when they finally left it up to me to decide what i was doing with my life. when they let it be between me and the dr was when i finally started to move on. when i could cut, and not be worried about how anyone else would feel was when i finally felt in control again. i am lucky i have a wonderful dr. he is not upset when i cut, and really works with me, if im upset, he wont pretend like its nothing, but if i know it was a mistcake and a slight setback then he will let me move on and not dwell on it. so, i think that the patients need to know you are there to support them, but the pressure to not SI has to come from within, as long as it is coming from someone else, the cutter feels that they need to cling to it -- that the only way they have the power is to keep cutting. when you hand the power over to them, and are there supportiing them whether they cut or not then you leave it up to them to have complete control and that means control to not cut too... does this make any sense to you ? just remember this is my own personal opinions. let me just say that at the height of my psychiatric intervention i was cutting more just to cling to what i knew. when it cooled down, when i became used to the ideas of being able not to cut and also being able to cope in other ways was when things would happen and i would feel no need to cut. i would want to, but it wasnt something that i would actually do. i guess i have just moved on. i think the culmination in my case is that when i was raped a few months back...that would have been the trigger to set me over the edge and send me back to the start line. but, i talked with my friends, i talked to my dr, i said what i felt, and i THOUGHT about cutting...but i didnt. day by day passed until the emotions had settled and i realised for the first time that i have made big leaps, that something so horroble could happen, that could remind me of everything else that has happened to me and i MADE it. i expressed myself, i was un-medicated, and i did not cut. in the midst of all the stress and everything...it was my decision, there was no one standing over me telling me no...it was like, what will it accomplish? i have learned BETTER ways to handle this situation. again, i guess i needed people there at the beggining to stop me, to push me to move on, but being able to do it by yourself is just incredible. im sorry i went so off on a tangent.

To The Voice of Reason
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Mar 19 01:13:47 2002 (#15427)

I'm so glad to hear you have a doctor like that. Tara's doctor is like that also and I honestly think that is what helped her so much. He didn't make a big deal of her cuts and if she wanted to leave it alone, he left it alone. Your progress is wonderful and I truly hope you continue to do well. I know sometimes you say things that get people upset, me included, but a lot of times when I re-read your post, most of it makes sense. Just keep going the way you are and know that I'm hoping and praying for you all the way. You've gotten a good start. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Everybody
Posted by J on Mon Mar 18 21:11:54 2002 (#15409)

You reading this now, are the most beautiful person in the world.You have it all.You just don't realise it yet.You have a life full of experiances ahead of you.All of which will make you a better person.Do a daring thing and smile at the screen, let your hidden self out.Feel free....... love and support J

Re: Everybody
Posted by ella on Mon Mar 18 21:33:17 2002 (#15414)

thanks....thats a really nice message to read!

hope youre doin fine too!!!

love ella xxx

Re: Everybody
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 21:53:22 2002 (#15417)

do you know, I think that's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me. no, seriously! lots of love, el x

Re: Everybody
Posted by She on Mon Mar 18 23:18:53 2002 (#15421)

wow do you know how much that means to hear that? he he you've made me all happy now. Thanx for that it was really sweet. How r u Loads of love She**

Re: Everybody
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Mar 19 01:15:42 2002 (#15428)

I think you just made everyone smile. Thank you for the message. It means a lot to a lot of people. Take care of yourself. Love, RHonda

Re: Everybody
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 19 02:22:27 2002 (#15438)

thanx i did really smile. ttyl8a. scaredinthedark

Re: Everybody
Posted by elf on Tue Mar 19 05:41:15 2002 (#15447)

that's really kind and beautiful. reading it really does make me smile. :)

~elf~

Re: Everybody
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Tue Mar 19 21:10:54 2002 (#15488)

*SNIFF* thanks :) *reaches for tissues ...*

broken angel
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 22:04:32 2002 (#15418)

inside every little girl is an angel waiting to be set free. well i'm the broken angel, the misfit, the mutilated and the tortured. I have an angel's wings yet I cannot fly. they are scarred and broken, hang useless by my side. I am bathed in blood, not pure but tainted. how I wish that my wings had never been torn. I wish that I could fly away

Re: broken angel
Posted by billiejean on Mon Mar 18 22:48:31 2002 (#15419)

wow, man, thats touching. i feel its changed me, way deep down inside, in my feelings, poor you.

Re: broken angel
Posted by She on Mon Mar 18 23:21:10 2002 (#15422)

Wow girl that was really good. You feeling n e better now? love ya loads She**

Re: broken angel
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Mar 19 01:20:59 2002 (#15430)

That is very good Eleanor. I hope you are feeling better. Take care honey. Love, RHonda

Re: broken angel
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 19 02:24:15 2002 (#15439)

that was so good. i loved it. it's ve3ry good to put on here. thanks. good job again. scaredinthedark

Re: broken angel
Posted by tracey on Wed Mar 20 00:29:44 2002 (#15510)

that has really touched a part of me, your very good at expressing yourself in writing.

THANX
Posted by Donna on Tue Mar 19 00:56:46 2002 (#15426)

hey guys........im back again! things didnt work out how i planned and they got to me in time. im really mixed up at the moment and worse than ever in fact. i suppose its gonna take a while until counselling helps!i dont want to do anything, see anybody and i sit around all day listening to my discman or come on the internet.ive been dreading coming on here.....its been the most difficult thing yet because you were the only supportive people i had and you all tried your best even though you have problems of your own, to help and support me and i just let you all down!im really sorry and for your sake glad that it didnt work cos now i can reassure you that tryin to kill yourself is NOT the right way to go-if you need help-try to get it so your suffering can be put to an end......im getting the help i need now and if it wrks i will b grateful!! i know im slabbering here but i dont know wot else to do at da mo........im still cuttin.....more than ever in fact and altho my parents are watching my every move they still seem disinterested and havent noticed wot im doing-thankfully. im a mess!! i just wanna thank you all for being there for me and im really grateful!!ill probably b on here more than ever and even if i dont post n e thing ill b thinkin bout u all and checkin how you're all doing!!thanx a million guys........u are the only ppl i really love for wot u hav done for me!! xoxo luv donna

Re: THANX
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Mar 19 01:19:06 2002 (#15429)

You didn't let me down, maybe just scared me a little bit. I'm so happy you're alright. Please let your parents help you and you really need to take care of yourself from the inside out. Let me know how you are doing and if you ever want to talk, just email me. Take care. Love, RHonda

Re: THANX
Posted by tracey on Tue Mar 19 02:01:36 2002 (#15436)

Donna, im soo glad your ok. youve helped me soo much, i want to return the favour and help you too, (sorry if that sounds selfish) its not meant to, im soo glad that your alright :) its great to have you back! i hope the help your getting now does help you. lots of love Tracey

Re: THANX
Posted by mego on Tue Mar 19 03:56:47 2002 (#15440)

you didnt disappoint us, we're happy that youre here and youre okay.

Re: THANX
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Mar 19 04:10:27 2002 (#15441)

im so happy to see you back donna!!!!

Re: THANX
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 19 13:39:58 2002 (#15460)

you didn't let anyone down, we're just glad you're still here! take care and come back soon!!!!!!! all my love. x x

Re: THANX
Posted by scared aka donna on Tue Mar 19 15:07:09 2002 (#15465)

im glad you are ok hun and its nice to hear frm you again, i was worried xxx

Re: THANX
Posted by ella on Tue Mar 19 16:30:56 2002 (#15471)

glad youre still around!!!! i know i didnt talk much when you were on before but i still felt really upset when you said you were going! hope everything starts to get better fgor you and you even start to smile :) lots of love ella xxx

Re: THANX
Posted by She on Tue Mar 19 16:36:50 2002 (#15472)

Hiya You didnt let ne one down at all. U just worried the fuck out of us but u made us all stronger too . Hope you get better soon Loads of love She**

sorry for not posting
Posted by tracey on Tue Mar 19 02:04:49 2002 (#15437)

sorry i havent posted in a while, ive read the messages to see how your all gettin on. i gave this email site to a mate, and now i feel a litle un-easy about messaging, i dont really want her to read them. but ill see hows things go, i just want to get her the help thats needed. i will reply to the posts soon, take care, love Tracey

our sanctuary
Posted by mego on Tue Mar 19 04:43:43 2002 (#15442)

our sanctuary is falling down//we all lay broken on the ground//words cut like the razors we tend to use//we came here to escape from this abuse//i cry a tear for all of us//i remember how we used to trust//i couldn't live without this sacred place//now a black tear runs down my face//we're slowly tearing each other apart//again i can feel coldness seeping into in my heart//we're starting to listen to what they say//i never wanted to end up this way//selfish and thoughtless and so unfair//we're standing here pulling out our own hair//little words we used to build this wall//are now begining to make it fall//its crushing our spirits its breaking my mind//all because our words had to be unkind//just make it okay, let it go//maybe from this we can grow

Re: our sanctuary
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Mar 19 04:53:50 2002 (#15443)

i loved it mego!! i feel like the people on this board are the only people who really care about me no matter what, and all this fighting we've been doing is ridiculous.

Re: our sanctuary
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 19 13:43:31 2002 (#15461)

x x x x x x

Re: our sanctuary
Posted by scared aka donna on Tue Mar 19 15:36:01 2002 (#15467)

yep i could relate to that mego...thanx xxx

Re: our sanctuary
Posted by ella on Tue Mar 19 16:38:12 2002 (#15473)

thats AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant believe how amazing everyone on here is at writing poetry and stories...im so jealous because thats one thing i cant do and i get in so much trouble with it at school...i hate that i cant write and yet everyone here seems to find it all so easy! but hey i guess ill have to find what my talents is....hmmmm.

keep up the amazing peotry....i still cant believe how well you..and everyone else write....its....well AMAZIN!!!!

love ella xxx

Re: our sanctuary
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 19 21:15:17 2002 (#15489)

that's really sad but really good. good job. take care. lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: our sanctuary
Posted by tracey on Wed Mar 20 00:38:43 2002 (#15511)

i loved the peom, your very talented. keep going

Please dont cry
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Mar 19 04:58:35 2002 (#15444)

Please dont Cry:

deep brown dishes/ of chocolate mousse/ drowning in droplets of the unknown/ bittersweet kisses, and hidden intrigue,/ little girl why do you cry?//

the dolly is broken/ the giver forsaken/ alone here in these strokes of blue/ the world so large, and the reasons forgotten/ but little girl, why are you crying?//

The roughest of hands/ the clasping of fate/ vast emptiness filling expression/ the memorys lost, and the future is stopped/ so little girl please stop your crying.//

Devotion of lovers/ sheer hatred for tears/ emotions flowing through the lack there of/ entrapment of moments, please, girl, dont be sad/ little girl ILL go on crying.

Re: Please dont cry
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 19 13:45:15 2002 (#15462)

that was beautiful

Re: Please dont cry
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 19 21:18:39 2002 (#15490)

this is well written. it's cute/awesome. is it ok if i print it out. i wanna show my friends. i have printed a couple out before and i gave all the credit to whoever wrote them. i just thought i'd ask you first. im me and tell me sassycggurl i'll be on for a while. take care. lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: Please dont cry
Posted by mego on Tue Mar 19 23:38:25 2002 (#15505)

thats really good bro, but you already know that, right? :) i luv ya!

I Need Advice
Posted by FadeAway on Tue Mar 19 05:14:05 2002 (#15445)

Perhaps I'm being insensitive here, but bear with me please. Over the past three days I have learned more about SI and suicide than I'd care to admit. Someone I care about deeply does one and attempted the other. Granted my pain is not nearly the same caliber as all those writing here, but I hurt just the same. I feel she couldn't trust me enough to tell me the truth. What can someone who isn't involved with SI, but has a friend that is, do? I'm at the end of my rope here...

Re: I Need Advice
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Mar 19 05:34:42 2002 (#15446)

im very tired right now so im probably not going to be of much help, but just be there for her...i know that often times i DONT want my friends to ask me whats wrong i DONT want them to try to talk to me, i just want them to recognize that no matter what kinda peppy girl im pretending to be that somethings wrong and i just want them to hug me and let me cry on their shoulder and not ask me to talk about it if i dont want to. in my eyes thats everything that could help me.

Re: I Need Advice
Posted by elf on Tue Mar 19 05:46:09 2002 (#15448)

i agree with Crimson Fire. The best thing you can ever do is just be there... that's what friends are for. Support her and make sure she knows you care.

~elf~

Re: I Need Advice
Posted by FROST on Tue Mar 19 08:30:20 2002 (#15457)

First, you need help in dealing with it. I know it seems funny, but if you have hang-ups about SI, you can't help someone deal with it.

Secondly, you need to talk to this friend and try to understand where s/he is coming from. You need to understand why this person uses SI, how it helps them and the depth of their SI (how do they injurer themselves and how badly)

Third, you need to be available to this friend. Most self-injurers only harm themselves in private, and I'm sure almost everyone on this board would agree with me on that. The more time you spend with your friend, the less amount of time s/he will have to hurt themselves and the more included they will feel.

Fourth, you need to be supportive of this friend. Do not try and take away SI from this friend, it will only make them more insecure and make them feel more alienated. You need to understand that it is a coping mechanism and help them find other ways to cope, better helping them stop the SI.

Finally, you need to be able to understand that it takes a long time to stop SI. It took me six years. You need to be patient and understanding.

I wish you all the luck! Frost

Re: I Need Advice
Posted by ella on Tue Mar 19 17:21:35 2002 (#15481)

hey

i know what youre going through because i came onto this site for the exact same reason...i wanted to help my friend that has just started SI again and i wanted to know the truth bout it all and this is certainly a great place to come. also check out the secret shame website its brilliant i think for all sorts of information to help you understand and get a feeling for what its all about!

altho i dont cut or externally hurt myself (so i kinda am not a SI) i do take overdoses of sedatives all the time to dull me to any pain and anger i feel...so that in a way is a different kinda SI?well i guess it is cuz its my way of hurting myself.

anyways just make sure she knows you are there for her and when SHE is ready to talk then let her know you will be willing to listen and things should start to get better...it takes a while and a lot of courage on both of your parts to deal with it all but its worht it! just take it slow and do as much reasearch as poss cuz itll show her how much you care if you understand lots and she doesnt have to explain every lil thing.

good luck with it all and if you have ANY questions just ask....even if you think they are silly ill try and answer them cuz being a good friend and trying to help someone is a great thing to do!

keep in touch

love ella xx

Re: I Need Advice
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Mar 21 01:33:06 2002 (#15547)

Hi, My daughter cuts and the only thing I can tell you is to just be there for them. Don't yell, scream or belittle your friend. That won't help at all. You have to understand that this is their way of dealing with, usually, a lot of pain and other stuff going on in their lives. I know it hurts a whole lot to see someone you love doing this to themselves, but please don't push her to talk unless she has said she wants to talk. Let her tell you in her own time and you just have to wait. Let her know that you will always be there for her no matter what. Take some time to learn about SI. It's a very complex thing and requires a lot of understanding. If you ever want to ask any questions, just email me. Take care. Love,Rhonda

Re: I Need Advice
Posted by liverpoolfc on Sat Mar 23 00:30:49 2002 (#15634)

you just need to be there for them. Don't try to solve the problem, just be there. Try to understand the best you can. But don't ever hate or get mad at their actions, it only makes it worse.

Crimson Fire - Here is your info on Celexa
Posted by FROST on Tue Mar 19 07:54:51 2002 (#15450)

What is the most important information I should know about celexa?

Do not stop taking celexa without first talking to your doctor. It may take 4 weeks or more for you to start feeling better.

Use caution when driving, operating machinery, or performing other hazardous activities. Celexa may cause dizziness. If you experience dizziness, avoid these activities.

Use alcohol cautiously. Alcohol may increase drowsiness and dizziness while you are taking celexa or affect your condition.

What is celexa?

• Celexa is in a class of drugs called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. Celexa affects chemicals in your brain that may become unbalanced and cause depression.

• Celexa is used to treat depression.

• Celexa may also be used for purposes other than those listed in this medication guide.

Who should not take Celexa?

You cannot take Celexa if you have taken a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAOI) such as isocarboxazid (Marplan), phenelzine (Nardil), or tranylcypromine (Parnate) during the last 2 weeks. A dangerous drug interaction can occur if Celexa is combined with any of these medications.

Before taking Celexa, tell your doctor if you

· have liver disease,

· have kidney disease,

· suffer from seizures, or

· suffer from mania or have suicidal thoughts. • You may not be able to take Celexa, or you may require a dosage adjustment or special monitoring during treatment if you have any of the conditions listed above.

Celexa is in the FDA pregnancy category C. This means that it is not known whether

Celexa will harm an unborn baby. Do not take Celexa without first talking to your doctor if you are pregnant.

Celexa passes into breast milk and may affect a nursing infant. Do not take Celexa without first talking to your doctor if you are breast-feeding a baby.

How should I take citalopram?

• Take Celexa exactly as directed by your doctor. If you do not understand these instructions, ask your pharmacist, nurse, or doctor to explain them to you.

Take each dose with a full glass (8 ounces) of water.

• To ensure that you get the correct dose, measure the Celexa solution with a dose-measuring spoon or cup, not with a regular table spoon. If you do not have a dose-measuring device, ask your pharmacist where you can get one.

• Celexa may be taken with or without food.

• Celexa is usually taken once a day. Follow your doctor's instructions. Take your dose at the same time each day.

• Do not stop taking Celexa without first talking to your doctor. It may take 4 weeks or more for you to start feeling better.

• Store celexa at room temperature away from moisture and heat.

What happens if I miss a dose?

• Take the missed dose as soon as you remember. However, if it is almost time for your next regularly scheduled dose, skip the missed dose and take the next one as directed. Do not take a double dose of this medication unless otherwise directed by your doctor.

What happens if I overdose?

Seek emergency medical attention.

• Symptoms of a celexa overdose include nausea, vomiting, tremor, drowsiness, dizziness, sweating, and a fast heartbeat.

What should I avoid while taking celexa?

• Use caution when driving, operating machinery, or performing other hazardous activities. Celexa may cause dizziness. If you experience dizziness, avoid these activities

• Use alcohol cautiously. Alcohol may increase drowsiness and dizziness while you are taking citalopram or affect your condition.

What are the possible side effects of celexa?

• If you experience any of the following serious side effects, stop taking citalopram and call your doctor immediately or seek emergency medical treatment:

· an allergic reaction (difficulty breathing; closing of your throat; swelling of your lips, tongue, or face; or hives);

· an irregular heartbeat or pulse;

· low blood pressure (dizziness, weakness);

· high blood pressure (severe headache, blurred vision); or

· chills or fever.

• If you experience any of the following less serious side effects, continue taking celexa and talk to your doctor:

· headache, tremor, nervousness, or anxiety;

· nausea, diarrhea, dry mouth, or changes in appetite or weight;

· sleepiness or insomnia; or

· decreased sex drive, impotence, or difficulty having an orgasm.

• Side effects other than those listed here may also occur. Talk to your doctor about any side effect that seems unusual or that is especially bothersome.

What other drugs will affect celexa?

• You cannot take celexa if you have taken a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAOI) such as isocarboxazid (Marplan), phenelzine (Nardil), or tranylcypromine (Parnate) during the last 2 weeks. A dangerous drug interaction can occur when celexa is combined with any of these medications.

• Before taking citalopram, tell your doctor if you are taking any of the following medicines:

· another antidepressant such as fluoxetine (Prozac), fluvoxamine (Luvox), sertraline (Zoloft), paroxetine (Paxil), trazodone (Desyrel), or nefazodone (Serzone);

· a tricyclic antidepressant such as amitriptyline (Elavil), imipramine (Tofranil), doxepin (Sinequan), nortriptyline (Pamelor), and others;

· a seizure medication including carbamazepine (Tegretol) or felbamate (Felbatol);

· a stomach medicine such as cimetidine (Tagamet, Tagamet HB), ranitidine (Zantac, Zantac 75), or omeprazole (Prilosec);

· an antibiotic such as erythromycin (Eryc-Tab, E-Mycin, E.E.S., Erythrocin, P.C.E., others) or clarithromycin (Biaxin);

· an antifungal medication such as fluconazole (Diflucan), itraconazole (Sporanox), or ketoconazole (Nizoral); or

· the asthma medication zafirlukast (Accolate).

• You may not be able to take citalopram, or you may require a dosage adjustment or special monitoring during treatment if you are taking any of the medicines listed above.

• Drugs other than those listed here may also interact with citalopram. Talk to your doctor and pharmacist before taking any prescription or over-the-counter medicines.

Crimson Fire - Here is your info on Celexa
Posted by FROST on Tue Mar 19 07:55:27 2002 (#15451)

What is the most important information I should know about celexa?

Do not stop taking celexa without first talking to your doctor. It may take 4 weeks or more for you to start feeling better.

Use caution when driving, operating machinery, or performing other hazardous activities. Celexa may cause dizziness. If you experience dizziness, avoid these activities.

Use alcohol cautiously. Alcohol may increase drowsiness and dizziness while you are taking celexa or affect your condition.

What is celexa?

• Celexa is in a class of drugs called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. Celexa affects chemicals in your brain that may become unbalanced and cause depression.

• Celexa is used to treat depression.

• Celexa may also be used for purposes other than those listed in this medication guide.

Who should not take Celexa?

You cannot take Celexa if you have taken a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAOI) such as isocarboxazid (Marplan), phenelzine (Nardil), or tranylcypromine (Parnate) during the last 2 weeks. A dangerous drug interaction can occur if Celexa is combined with any of these medications.

Before taking Celexa, tell your doctor if you

· have liver disease,

· have kidney disease,

· suffer from seizures, or

· suffer from mania or have suicidal thoughts. • You may not be able to take Celexa, or you may require a dosage adjustment or special monitoring during treatment if you have any of the conditions listed above.

Celexa is in the FDA pregnancy category C. This means that it is not known whether

Celexa will harm an unborn baby. Do not take Celexa without first talking to your doctor if you are pregnant.

Celexa passes into breast milk and may affect a nursing infant. Do not take Celexa without first talking to your doctor if you are breast-feeding a baby.

How should I take citalopram?

• Take Celexa exactly as directed by your doctor. If you do not understand these instructions, ask your pharmacist, nurse, or doctor to explain them to you.

Take each dose with a full glass (8 ounces) of water.

• To ensure that you get the correct dose, measure the Celexa solution with a dose-measuring spoon or cup, not with a regular table spoon. If you do not have a dose-measuring device, ask your pharmacist where you can get one.

• Celexa may be taken with or without food.

• Celexa is usually taken once a day. Follow your doctor's instructions. Take your dose at the same time each day.

• Do not stop taking Celexa without first talking to your doctor. It may take 4 weeks or more for you to start feeling better.

• Store celexa at room temperature away from moisture and heat.

What happens if I miss a dose?

• Take the missed dose as soon as you remember. However, if it is almost time for your next regularly scheduled dose, skip the missed dose and take the next one as directed. Do not take a double dose of this medication unless otherwise directed by your doctor.

What happens if I overdose?

Seek emergency medical attention.

• Symptoms of a celexa overdose include nausea, vomiting, tremor, drowsiness, dizziness, sweating, and a fast heartbeat.

What should I avoid while taking celexa?

• Use caution when driving, operating machinery, or performing other hazardous activities. Celexa may cause dizziness. If you experience dizziness, avoid these activities

• Use alcohol cautiously. Alcohol may increase drowsiness and dizziness while you are taking citalopram or affect your condition.

What are the possible side effects of celexa?

• If you experience any of the following serious side effects, stop taking citalopram and call your doctor immediately or seek emergency medical treatment:

· an allergic reaction (difficulty breathing; closing of your throat; swelling of your lips, tongue, or face; or hives);

· an irregular heartbeat or pulse;

· low blood pressure (dizziness, weakness);

· high blood pressure (severe headache, blurred vision); or

· chills or fever.

• If you experience any of the following less serious side effects, continue taking celexa and talk to your doctor:

· headache, tremor, nervousness, or anxiety;

· nausea, diarrhea, dry mouth, or changes in appetite or weight;

· sleepiness or insomnia; or

· decreased sex drive, impotence, or difficulty having an orgasm.

• Side effects other than those listed here may also occur. Talk to your doctor about any side effect that seems unusual or that is especially bothersome.

What other drugs will affect celexa?

• You cannot take celexa if you have taken a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAOI) such as isocarboxazid (Marplan), phenelzine (Nardil), or tranylcypromine (Parnate) during the last 2 weeks. A dangerous drug interaction can occur when celexa is combined with any of these medications.

• Before taking celexa, tell your doctor if you are taking any of the following medicines:

· another antidepressant such as fluoxetine (Prozac), fluvoxamine (Luvox), sertraline (Zoloft), paroxetine (Paxil), trazodone (Desyrel), or nefazodone (Serzone);

· a tricyclic antidepressant such as amitriptyline (Elavil), imipramine (Tofranil), doxepin (Sinequan), nortriptyline (Pamelor), and others;

· a seizure medication including carbamazepine (Tegretol) or felbamate (Felbatol);

· a stomach medicine such as cimetidine (Tagamet, Tagamet HB), ranitidine (Zantac, Zantac 75), or omeprazole (Prilosec);

· an antibiotic such as erythromycin (Eryc-Tab, E-Mycin, E.E.S., Erythrocin, P.C.E., others) or clarithromycin (Biaxin);

· an antifungal medication such as fluconazole (Diflucan), itraconazole (Sporanox), or ketoconazole (Nizoral); or

· the asthma medication zafirlukast (Accolate).

• You may not be able to take celexa, or you may require a dosage adjustment or special monitoring during treatment if you are taking any of the medicines listed above.

• Drugs other than those listed here may also interact with celexa. Talk to your doctor and pharmacist before taking any prescription or over-the-counter medicines.

Cutting - my first poem (written about 6 years ago
Posted by FROST on Tue Mar 19 08:20:33 2002 (#15455)

UNEDITED!

Cutting

These tears I cry, Tears of pain Turn to blood and Ooze through my veins Seeping through the wound Made by a razor blade Bleed past the skin and Through the bandaid Trickling down my arm Then falling into the sink So focused on the end I don't even blink Nothing left to live for, No one will miss me Holding on to poetry Keeping me in reality These words flow from pen to paper My only way of expression The blood drops into the sink, Still better than using a gun How much longer for Someone to notice? How much longer to Finish this? How much longer can I cut away? How much longer until The final day?

Re: Cutting - my first poem (written about 6 years
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 19 13:50:44 2002 (#15463)

that was really good. i think a lot of us can relate to that. take care. lots of love, el x x

Re: Cutting - my first poem (written about 6 years
Posted by scared aka donna on Tue Mar 19 15:39:20 2002 (#15468)

that was very good.....thanx xxx

Re: Cutting - my first poem (written about 6 years
Posted by ella on Tue Mar 19 17:27:33 2002 (#15482)

hey that was really good, gave me goose bumbs all over! hope you are well :) ella x

I'm all keyed up..want to move
Posted by Dawn on Tue Mar 19 08:23:09 2002 (#15456)

There have been so many changes in my life I want to run away....from me...from Paul...to another state...to a new live....to begin again.

When I was a kid my father was in the Air Force and we moved all over. I remember as we drove through West Virginia or Virginia on the west side of this mountain there was a beatuful park and lake where we stopped for a break and inside me my heart felt a peace. Then we got back in the car and at the top of the mountain was an old mom and pop motel, gas station and grocery, with benches out back to sit and eat your meal and watch the babbling brook. I wanted to stay right there. There was PEACE.

I want peace. I want to see it, expose myself to it. To become one with it. Tara's mom and I email each other. I've thought of moving to the state she lives in. I really want to... but I need a town where doctors take people with state medical cards, and counselors who listen as I change and grow through the memories of my past......

But it is like trying geographical changes to get alcoholics to sober up. My moving to where Tara's mom and I have talked about won't work for me. I was raped by so many guys, a whole motorcycle gang. I'm barely getting by now I don't need to relive those memories. I wouldn't feel safe walking down streets. God would have to assure me He would be with me every footfall I'd make.

And then there is Paul. He helps me live. He helps me feel safe. I just react when he says it doesn't seem life were boyfriend and girlfriend because we rarely kiss or hold each other. But it is my past.

People tell me all the time "Just don't think about it!" But how can I. How do I put it behind me when several of the people were people close to me, my father, my uncle, my cousin, my husband, his brother, my best friend growing up.

I'm stronger now, I have reckoned with my anger and have vowed to defend myself even to the point of death. But for how long will I be physically be able to defend myself when I went to sleep and woke up to darkness and didn't know if it was 8AM or 8PM till I checked my phone in the living room, but I knew I needed to check my blood sugar. it was 61. Thats scary. I tell Paul when I'm sleeping like that and my blood sugar drops I could die. The pain medication they put me on decreases my appetite. It is gone. So I have to see my doctor and I don't want to leave my apartment

I may think about killing myself at times when my memories surface. But killing myself and dying in my sleep are two different things. First of all one is an irrational though, and the second can really happen and I not have any control of it.I WANT CONTROL!

I don't want to move. I just don't like want Paul to say he doesn't want me as his girlfriend. Have you even noticed it is easier to break up if you are the one doing the breaking up, than it is when someone wants to break up with you?

I have had those times when I feel like shit an want to cut myself then I'm cooking and cutting a potato the knife slips and I slice my hand and its a whole new story. It isn't a good thing, a controled thing. It hurts and I'm bleeding blood and I want the flow to stop, and seeing the pool of blood grow is a scary thing, NOT A RELIEF. NOT "OH GOOD I'M ALIVE" but an "OH MY GOD I COULD DIE...HELP!!!!!!! Cutting is a whole different deal when I'm not the one in control. And right now this I want to move thing is not what I really want at all. I just want Paul to not bitch about walking my dog, when I say I will and he tells me no he doesn't want me to fall. I just would rather move away that live with contension. Does anyone understand?

Re: I'm all keyed up..want to move
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 19 13:58:13 2002 (#15464)

I understand that you want to be in control of your life. I want to be in control of mine so much, but I don't feel that I can. Maybe some of that is to do with my age, I don't know. I can't just get up and move away because I'm "too young". You have to do what makes you happy. you've come through so much in your life, it's stupid to give up now. so take control and do what you have to do, only you know what that is. take care of yourself. love eleanor. x x

Re: I'm all keyed up..want to move
Posted by She on Tue Mar 19 16:58:14 2002 (#15476)

HIya i know what u mean . Im in controll of what i do in my life i suppose as ive suddenly decided to move or go away on long hollidays out of the blue several times however im definatly not in controll of my body someone else seams to be .It would be so nice to be able to decide what pills i could or couldnt take . You've obviousley been rthrough alot in your life and mabey it would be nice to have a change of seanory and a fresh start.# Loads of love She

Re: I'm all keyed up..want to move
Posted by Lost and Not Yet Found on Tue Mar 19 17:03:22 2002 (#15478)

Dawn, i understand the whole control thing. that is one of the reasons i cut i suppose. its the only thing i have in my life that only I control. no one else tells me how when or where, its all down to me. ive had to move away from friends and family twice, once when i was 8 and once when i was 14. when i moved recently it uprooted my life and i lost all control it was the finally thing that made me feel desperatly out of control. so i understand your reasons and your hurt. i wish i could move. i want to choose where i live and who with but i have no choice. you should go where your heart tells you to, no matter what others say its more important that you feel right where you are.

Love Trust and Pixi Dust Amanda

THANK YOU EVERYONE
Posted by Dawn on Wed Mar 20 07:38:29 2002 (#15519)

When I was a teenager I ran away 9 X from age 14-18. The last time I was on the street for 14 months. And let me tell you on the street your body is the price for everything... from food to a bed for the night. But that is not what is negociated at the beginning. Pretitors lie, and young, GULLIBLE girls... and guys who are looking for something they will never find get sucked into things they can't get out of. I learned the hard way and stayed with the first guy who didn't raped me the first night or two. Then I let my guard down and he kissed me with such tenderness I thought he was different. I was so desperate I fell prey to his suave words and made a vow to do everything within my power to win his love and spend the rest of my life doing whatever it took to KEEP him. Now I'm sorry I did. He was a liar, a pervert who after 15 years tried to get me to let my dog clean me up. He'd have sex with my body when I was unconscious from drinking too much and smoking too much pot. And the next day when I asked about the mess I was in he'd say,"Don't you remember, we had fun last night." No one you knows him would believe these stories. That is how they operate. So when I was I want to run away you can take it to the bank that is not what I'm talking about.

Because of all my bad decisions I am mentally ill and live on government assistances, staying mainly inside my apartment, because I KNOW WHAT IS OUTSIDE.

I know how to transfer my housing assistance, apply for foodstamps, know what to look for in a town I'm considering moving too. And with the web I may be able to make it a lot easier to find what I'm looking for. And I have one sourse that has never let me down. I go to God. I humble myself and confess how I cannot depend on my mind and emotions to judge rightly, because I could make a list that would almost circle a globe of the bad judgement I've made. I need His guidance because my guidance is confused by my past, my present, and my life experiences.

Tonight I made a decision that is difficult to undertake. Whatever kind of relationship I've had with the man I have counted as my boyfriend is not heallty for me. I cannot live with disharmony, anger taken out on inadimate objects especially those belonging to me. And I will not have my mental health blamed for statements someone else said and then blame my mind for formulating "My version" of what he had said. He pushed the wrong button when he pushed that one. I may be mentally ill but I know what I said and what others said to me.

And this time I do not have to punish myself for being someone elses patsey. I've not lost it, and I wont accept it

You all want to get better. Well this is how you do it. First make clear in your mind what the truth it. Then prepare to do what it takes to work it out for the best for you.

Thank you all for wading through this. Please do yourself a favor and stand up for yourself, pick and chose your battles and never go into battle without checking with the One who sees the ending from the beginning. Become you own best friend it helf more than you know.HUG........DAWN

Your mission, should you choose to accept it:
Posted by FROST on Tue Mar 19 08:39:36 2002 (#15458)

Hey everyone. I realize I probably started on the wrong foot, and I'd like to start over. I sat here tonight, reading some entries when it hit me: I don't know anything about all of you. So, your mission, should you choose to accept, is to write your life story, or a mini-auto-biography if you will. I'm thinking it would be a blast and we'd all learn a lot about one another.

Deadline: Due Monday, March 25, 2002 (I will not be here, as I'll be in a car on the way back to my home, but I think a week is a good time)

Requirements (LOL!): Tell us where you were born, who your family is (immediate or extended), who you are, when you started SI and why, what you like to do and anything else you'd like to add.

C'mon people! I think this will be great! You can make your own post with your mini autobiography, and title it whatever you want, but make sure I can tell what it is from the title :) If you think I'm just a loon who needs sleep, ignore this. Frost

Re: Your mission, should you choose to accept it:
Posted by Lost and Not Yet found on Tue Mar 19 16:49:28 2002 (#15475)

i think that is a great idea. especially as people come and go around here so its hard to keep track. i used to post here a lot as lost and lonly, now ive come back i only recognise a few names. the idea is great frost. mine will be here by the 25th.

Love Trust and Pixi Dust Amanda

Re: Your mission, should you choose to accept it:
Posted by She on Tue Mar 19 17:01:34 2002 (#15477)

I think its a nice idear however i cant remember much past 4 months ago lol( to much drugs) Ill try though. Loads of love She

Re: Your mission, should you choose to accept it:
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 19 18:11:33 2002 (#15487)

yes teacher! lol! sounds good, i'll definitely do one. sorry you got off to such a bumpy start on here, you seem pretty cool. lots of love, el x x

Re: Your mission, should you choose to accept it:
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 19 21:31:16 2002 (#15492)

yea i agree with the rest of them. i think that'd be a great idea. then we'll know each other and be able to help each other more. i'll do it. idk what i'll be able to remeber but i will. ttfn. lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: Your mission, should you choose to accept it:
Posted by tracey on Wed Mar 20 01:07:00 2002 (#15512)

i'll give it a go, we will all get to know eachother better.

Re: Your mission, should you choose to accept it:
Posted by mego on Thu Mar 21 04:40:38 2002 (#15554)

first of all:i totally respect you for this, thanks for trying to fix any problems you think you might have caused, instead of being stubborn. and i'd like to apologize for freaking out, i just get defensive somtimes.

I've lived for my whole life in Chicago, with my parents and my little brother. I'm fifteen. I don't really know who I am. I don't really have any hobbies or anything. I'm not really all that clean cut, so to speak. I get in my share of trouble, but don't we all?? I love my mom, probably more than almost anything in the world. Just lately I've been getting along with my dad a little better. They're both alchoholics and beat on me from time to time, but just lately thats been getting a little better. We still have our moments. I started cutting when I was thirteen, I don't really know why, but it helps, you know? Of course you do, otherwise you probably wouldn't be here. I write a lot of poetry, not that its any good, but I'm not looking for compliments. Just typing whatever pops up in my head at the moment. I'm constantly having these crazy ass mood swings. Almost like personality changes. I'll go from being shy and quiet to loud and outgoing, from in an okay mood to a terrible one. I guess I have a hockey temper, thats what some of my friends say. I get really mad, really easily, usually over stupid things, so if I blow up on anyone here, I'm sorry. I can't help it. I've never gotten professional help for anything, I don't plan on it. The only person who knows is my mom, and we don't talk about it. Alright. Enough rambling.

shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit
Posted by scared aka donna on Tue Mar 19 15:15:03 2002 (#15466)

SHIT! im soooooooooooooooo angry, scared confused, lonely, sad. social services are gunna tell the bastards!!! someitme soon aswell i have to go see them this week. im soooooo scared i dont know what to do. im sooooooangry and hurt and upset and all of this made me cut last night. i hadnt done for over three weeks and then look at me......i cut my leg 6 times!!!! oh i dont know what to do anymore i dont see thepoint. this is just one huge nig mess that is gunna get even worse after the parents find out bout him. i hate myself sooo much im so ashamd of myself that no amont of cleverly worded adjectivs can describe!!! it really does get ba ddoesnt it when you realise that you feel so bad that even writing poetry or woteva doesnt help.

i do not see any light at the end of the tunnel. i see a whole lotta grief that i dont deserve. i hate my life and i hate the knife but cant survive without it. aaaarrrrgggghhhh i just wanna die, i wanna disappear i wanna run away i wanna pinch myself and realsie this is just one big nightmare. oh how silly of me it is a nightmare, a living one.

Re: shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit
Posted by She on Tue Mar 19 17:05:32 2002 (#15479)

Hiya ohhh sweety , Im so sorry its going this way. You have nothing to be ashamed of though. Good luck with it all tomorrow we'll all be here for you if you need people to lean on. Love ya loads She

Re: shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 19 21:48:45 2002 (#15495)

yea. we are here if you need to talk. She is right. you and everyone in here can talk to anyone in here. take care. lots of love to you all. scaredinthedark

how
Posted by scared aka donna on Tue Mar 19 15:46:05 2002 (#15469)

something powerfull, something magic, something strange, something clasic, somethings missing in my life.

something warm, something soothin, something happy something healing, somethings not right in my life.

how i long for those stereotpical childhood memories to come flooding back, how i long for those days of happiness that for some reason i lack.

something evil, something sad, something scary, something bad, some of the things in my life.

how i long for some reality in my life.

how i long for my life.

how i long for

how?

Re: how
Posted by She on Tue Mar 19 17:07:23 2002 (#15480)

That was amazing wow loads of love She

Re: how
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 19 18:00:27 2002 (#15485)

so whens the book coming out?! I love you sweetheart, never forget that. I'm always here. el x

Re: how
Posted by Erryn on Sun Mar 24 00:30:35 2002 (#15663)

Thats cool I enjoy reading it over and over thaanx for posting it take care xxxErryn

hhhelpe
Posted by scared aka donna on Tue Mar 19 16:08:49 2002 (#15470)

eeerrrrmmm sorry im invading the mesage board but i cant cope. this is getting way outta control . im screaming in the inside and no1 nos help help help me please i dont know wheere to turnnnn im sha ki ngos much icant even type this is getiing siiliy . i want to be normal again i wannt to bee meeee dont no what to do anymorem

Re: hhhelpe
Posted by Lost and Not Yet Found on Tue Mar 19 16:45:43 2002 (#15474)

Donna, you are the only one that can stop this. you must be strong, every one in the world has strength that they dont realise is there. its hidden inside each of us, and now is a time that you need it so you must find it. if no ones knows how you feel then find somone you can talk to. talking things through helps so much. if things get spoken about they do not go away but the get delt with which makes them less painful for you. the people around you cannot sort things out for you but they can be there to help you through it. finding the ability to go to someone and say...look i need help coz i cant deal with this on my own...if you can do this to someone other that the people on this board then you will find things start to get easier. we all support you and care for you. dont let anything/one control you...learn to be in control of your thoughts/feelings/life. it will help i promise.

Love Trust and Pixi Dust Amanda

Re: hhhelpe
Posted by ella on Tue Mar 19 17:49:51 2002 (#15484)

heya hun,

im sorry that i wasnt on earlier! im sorry that you are having a really hard time now...but im sure that you will be able to work through it!!!

DONT BE ASHAMED that you cut yourself...remember what i said bout it being a lil victory in your gaining control of your life and of how you cope. sure it was great that you lasted three weeks and cutting yesterday wasnt you failing, more of a relapse....but you can pull through it. its understandable that you have so much pain and anger and stress and fear inside you that you dont know any other way that will help but im sure there are other ways. i know you'll probably laugh at me for all these suggestions but this is what i do when im tryin to get it outta my system and tryin to resist taking any more drugs! i run listening to my fave music and SCREAM the words out till im so tired and most of my anger has mellowed, i get my book out and paint in all the feelings i have either in pictures or just the words, i go out into this field and just sit...no matter what the weather and i let the wind or the heat or the rain over come my feelings till i cant think of anything else (its like its MY place and im in a whole new world).....i dunno if any of those would help at all but im only tryin to help and you deserve to be happy cuz you are tryin to get better and succeed and thats SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better than a lot of people who have everything handed to them on a plate...you know what life is and you appreciate it!

please get back to me when you can cuz i wanna help you the way you are helping me!

lotsa love ella xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Re: hhhelpe
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 19 18:05:03 2002 (#15486)

honey, I don't know what i can say that other people haven't. just stay strong, like I know you are. we came on the board at about the same time and you helped me through so many bad times in the beginning. now I want to help you. if you need to talk, rant, rave whatever just email me or put me a messsage on here ok? we'll gwt thru this together. Love n stuff, el x x

me
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 19 21:35:30 2002 (#15493)

I just need to get some things off my chest. I feel so down at the moment, more aware of my scars, of what a mess my body is. I just can't see that there's any hope. I'm 17 years old and i've never had a boyfriend. what does that say about me? I've always been the fat weird one at school. when I was younger i was rejected because I liked reading and writing. I used to write poetry and stories in my spare time. god, she writes poetry and likes literature, what kind of freak is she? as I got older that became more acceptable, but I still never really had any friends. people at school would be talking at break and dinner about what they'd done on the weekend, some great party that they'd been to, "everyone" was there. everyone except for me. I'm the freak who wears weird clothes, has black hair and just doesn't fit in. oh yeah, i'm fat too. that sure as hell doesn't make me socially acceptable. then I met gena, my best friend and things seemed alright for a while. I could cope with my home life and being the outcast when I had someone to cope with me.

but now.... well, she tried to kill herself and she's going away. the only person who ever cared, and now I'm on my own again. Now i'm not only a fat freak, i'm the fat scarred freak. and I have to be that on my own forever. how can anyone ever love me when I look such a mess? they can't.

Re: me
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 19 21:45:12 2002 (#15494)

we love you in here. so you do have someone to cope with. us! i know how you feel though the only reason i have friends is because i do colorguard and the band/colorguard people try to be nice to me casue they know i have problems. i've never had a bf either though. and i'm fat. so mabye we're a lot alike. i only have one true friend but it's a guy and he has a gf and she gets jealous when he talks to me. i'm about ready to hit her. and she's supposedly my friend too. idk. they all suck but alex(my one friend). well if you ever need to chat you can im me or email me (sassycggurl or sassycggurl@aol.com) and i'll talk/respond back. i hope your day goes better. take care. lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: me
Posted by She on Tue Mar 19 21:54:49 2002 (#15496)

Hiya(hugz)

ohhhh sweety you should nevery worry about what people thing about you allthough we all do , Sux huh?Im not exactally the most populur person in school becaus i've always wanted to do things a little different others. As for veing "socially accepted" your the most helpfull friendly person who i have ever been in contact with. I care about you sooo much . I dont give a shit how you look (however i bet your way pritter then you think)i love you soooooooo much . Keep safe Love you loads She **

Ill always be here for you

Re: me
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Mar 22 01:33:09 2002 (#15593)

Hey Eleanor, I know you've probably heard this before, but if people can't accept you for you, they're not worth your time. There are people in this world who look inside a person to see what they're like and that's the ones you want for friends. I know this probably doesn'thelp you very much, but know that I do care about you and I don't care what you look like. I'm not exactly skinny myself and I do have my bad days, ask my husband!!!!! I judge people by their hearts, and from what I've seen of yours, it's a good heart. You care about others on the board even when you're in pain yourself. If you ever want to talk, just email me. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: me
Posted by Erryn on Sun Mar 24 00:41:58 2002 (#15665)

Hey girl dont worry about boyfriends and stuff it will all come in time i know it can get depressing when you dont have one but it also comforting and nice not having one. I haven't had one in a couple years and im still happy i have to be i have two kids that depend on me I love you as a friend and if you ever want a place to come and hang out I would love to have you here!!!! just take care because I need you around Sorry I was late posting this I found out I had mono and it kicked my ass!!! take care loveErryn

Re: me
Posted by eleanor on Sun Mar 24 14:41:14 2002 (#15677)

thank you!!!!!! if I lived in america I'd be round your place like a shot! unfortunately I live in england so it'd be a little difficult. hope you're feeling better now sweetie! give your kids a BIG hug from me. love always, el x x x x

you can't keep me down
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 19 21:59:56 2002 (#15497)

Hey, hey man, what's your problem I see you try to hurt me bad Don't know what you're up against Maybe you should reconsider Come up with another plan Cuz you know I'm not that kind of girl That'll lay there and let you come first (Chorus) You can push me out the window I'll just get back up You can run over me wit your 18 wheeler truck And I won't give up You can hang me like a slave I'll go underground You can run over me wit your 18 wheeler but You can't keep me down (verse 2) Hey, hey girl, are you ready for today You got your shield and sword Cuz it's time to play the games You are beautiful even though you're not for sure Don't let him pull you by your skirt You're gonna get your feelings hurt (Chorus til' fade)

i thought this would be a good song to put on here. for hope or sumtin. idk forget it oh well. scaredinthedark

Re: you can't keep me down
Posted by tracey on Wed Mar 20 01:23:41 2002 (#15513)

i like the song, 'you can run me over with your 18 wheeler truck but you can't keep me down' thats soo true.

Re: you can't keep me down
Posted by scaredinthedark on Wed Mar 20 21:12:42 2002 (#15535)

thanks i'm glad sumone knows what i'm talkin about

Re: you can't keep me down
Posted by Erryn on Sun Mar 24 00:45:21 2002 (#15666)

This is also one of my favorite songs it rocks I love the pink album it says alot take care xxxErryn

some fave quotes
Posted by ella on Tue Mar 19 22:46:19 2002 (#15501)

heya everyone,

i just thought i would share some of these quotes that i particularily like....none of them are by me but oh well, im sure everyone has heard me say i cant write :(

"if you judge people, you have no time to love them" Mother Teresa

i thought that was kinda appropriate cuz of all that cuffuffle earlier on :)

"a friend is a gift you give yourself"

"there are high spots in all of our lives and most of them come about through encouragement from someone else"

"in the darkest hour the soul is replenished and given the strength to continue and endure"

"you gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. you are able to say to yourself 'i lived through this horror. i can take the next thing that comes along'"

"those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves"

"although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it"

"the task ahead of us is never as great as the power behind us"

sorry if that bores anyone but i like them....stuck them up so i can read them when i want...

love ya ALL ella xxx

Re: some fave quotes
Posted by elf on Wed Mar 20 00:26:32 2002 (#15509)

oooh, those are really nice! i love reading quotes, i don't know why, but i've always thought them to be very inspiring.

~elf~

Shud i lie now she knows?
Posted by DiStUrBdFrEaK on Tue Mar 19 22:52:01 2002 (#15503)

Oh god! I went to da school nurse for my second appointment and she was fine until she saw my arms again. She looked really worried and sed she’d HAVE to tell sum1: family or GP. But then she phoned a colleague and they sed she’d have to tell my parents. So she rang my mam and we went home and she told my mam. I was sooo scared. My mam cryed and I cudnt even look her in the face. And wen the nurse showed her my arms she looked sick and shocked. It wasn’t way as bad as wot I thought BUT I REALLY need to cut. I didn’t yesterday, wen my mam was told cuz we went to da doctors and she’d’ve seen da new cuts. She is constantly askin me if I'm ok and kissing me and shit. Makes me sick, nice she cares, but tears wont make her see, these fucking cuts have. I didn’t want her to see them, cuz now she’ll no if they get worse. I cut my stomach 2day again but I got a bit of blood on it so she’ll know now, shit!!! I NEED to cut my arms, it’s the “best” place I know, shit!!! I duno. Iv gota see a psychiatrist/counsellor the nurse sed. I hope it helps, there r a LOT of mixed views and horror stories on here so I'm scared a lil. But if they make me feel worse I will simply tell them where to shove their “help”! My mam also keeps askin me where I go every time I leave the room, I guess its wot any mam wud do, maybe not, but its so fucking annoying. She makes me feel ded guilty and shit. Saying shit like “Now ur not guna do anything silly are u?” (Meaning am I guna cut myself?) I feel ded guilty cuz I no I want to but I cant tell her. If she asks if I hav cut recently shud I tell her the truth and try and explain that I NEED to do it until I get help BUT that cud hurt her and make her worry, OR shud I tell her that I havent, but then she’ll think I'm fine but she wont keep askin wer I'm going and wot I'm doing and shit…plz help me, and sorry for blabbering, hehe. Oh ya and my dad (who does liv with us) doent know yet, we duno how to tell him, well my mam’s scared of telling him cuz it’ll upset me! Peace xxx

Re: Shud i lie now she knows?
Posted by Crimson Fire on Wed Mar 20 04:32:43 2002 (#15517)

hey gurl!! my mom reacted the same way, i dont think she realizes that crying 24/7 and hugging and kissing me isnt going to help. whenever i go to the bathroom my parents go in after me and look for "evidence" EVERY time i go to the bathroom. and if im in the bathroom when they come in my room they wait in my room until i come out, and (this is sick) they try to peak around the corner to see what im doing (my bathroom is connected to my room but theres no door cause its just like a huge arc in the wall). it pisses me off so i told them i didnt do it anymore and they left me alone but then they started spying on me so they know. anyways. i dont know your parents so i dont know whether you should lie to them or not....i personally feel much much more comfortable lying to my parents and just not talking to them...of course now my mother in dead convinced that i despise the family which is completely not true. maybe i shouldnt lie....but i dont want them to try and control my actions.

Re: Shud i lie now she knows?
Posted by She on Wed Mar 20 16:38:58 2002 (#15526)

HIya Im so sorry that they found out but it dose sound like they will help you to get help so it may not be so bad.There will be alot of shouting and crying probaly but (i know you've probably heared this b for )its because they love you and care about you .Your very luck to have them. Look after yourself and i hope things get better for you really soon. Love ya lots She**

Re: Shud i lie now she knows?
Posted by scaredinthedark on Wed Mar 20 21:18:36 2002 (#15536)

i know how you feel. my parents acted the same way but they found out themselves. it sux. i hate that they smother me. i just yell at them when they do it though. you didn't care before when you didn't know. why are you now? stop i hate it. idk they piss me off. i haven't cut for 3 weeks. and in 9 days i'll be mentally insane. i just know it. it'll be 2 years and i can't take that. oh well. anyways.... i hope you feel better about it. at least you still get to cut even if it's not your favorite spot. take care and good luck. lots of love. scaredinthedark

panic panic panic
Posted by Pamela on Tue Mar 19 23:12:39 2002 (#15504)

omigod, i don't know what to do... don't know whre i am going don't know if i even care. can't even type right, usually good typist... but not now. so shaky, want to cut so bad but can't cuz people do arm checks sometimes so i started cutting my leg, but it doesn't feel as good as cutting my arms, don't know why my arms. don't know what my arms ever did. but my arms are a part of me and i have done so many things wrong that they aren't even worth listing and i am such an idiot for thinking that things would ever change. I am such an idiot for hoping. new shit comes and slaps you in the face and it hurts so bad sometimes that i just want to scream and throw and cut. no one cares, everyones sick of hearing it... what the hell is wrong with me? oh god i'm sorry, vision is getting blurry. want to cut, got to not let myself cut feel like i'm floating (other times like i'm sinking.) and it's weird, i'm weird, i'm crazy for wanting to do this... it is okay for everyone else to hurt, to feel pain, to have emotion, just not me. fuck it.

Re: panic panic panic
Posted by She on Wed Mar 20 16:42:08 2002 (#15527)

I care XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Everybody again
Posted by J on Tue Mar 19 23:51:24 2002 (#15506)

Helloooo! if you ever want to talk or just get something out of your system i'm here with a listening ear (sounds sooo cheesy!?) I'll give my honest opinions and advice to any lovely person who wants it.Your all lovely so your all welcome.Just mail or add me. love and support Jx

Re: Everybody again
Posted by elf on Wed Mar 20 00:00:40 2002 (#15507)

Thanks! you rock!

same goes for everybody with me. if you ever wanna talk, just e-mail

my psych paper
Posted by erica on Wed Mar 20 00:24:09 2002 (#15508)

Well it's done. I just stapled my psych paper together. I will be handing it in early. on thursday. Anyways I thought you might like to read it. A warning: it is long. 11 pages altogether. So enjoy. Oh and let me know what you think about it.

Erica

Self-Mutilation

Self-mutilation is becoming more prevalent in our society. The journey through time for those who self-mutilate to get the recognition they deserve has not been easy. At one time those who practiced self-mutilation were thought of as either saints or possessed by demons. Lately we have classified those who self-mutilate into other subcategories. Classified in disorders such as depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and borderline personality disorder. Although the self-mutilator may not exhibit all the signs of these disorders, they still may get classified in them.

Self-mutilation has many other names. Self-injury, self-inflicted violence, cutters, self-destructive behavior, and self-harm are just a few. It will be referred to as self-mutilation in this paper. In the Bible section Mark 5:5 a demon-possessed man is referred to. "Always, night and day, (he) was crying and cutting himself with stones." Flagellants, a religious sect in the middle ages lashed themselves with cats-o'-nine tails, attempting to atone for societies sins and lift the great plague, while wandering through Europe. Whirling Dervishes of the Islamic religion have been said to split open their head, allow people to dip bread and such items in the blood, and then the people eat the food. Even in some cultures youth go through initiations that include being cut and pierced to gain entrance into adulthood. Today’s youth often go through body modification processes that include piercings, tattoos, and branding. However this, for the most part is not considered self-mutilation.

What is self-mutilation? Mosby defines it as "a state in which an individual is at high risk to injure but not kill himself or herself, and action that produces tissue damage and tension relief." In simple terms Self-mutilation is any act that will harm oneself. There are three main types of self-mutilation: Major self-mutilation, Stereotypic self-mutilation, and superficial or moderate self-mutilation. Major self-mutilation includes such things as castration, amputation of limbs, enucleation of eyes, and other practices that lead to permanent disfigurement. This form is very rare. Stereotypic self-mutilation usually occurs within those who are psychotic and the mentally retarded. It includes behavior such as rhythmic head banging, eyeball pressing, and biting. The final form, Superficial, is the most common. It includes cutting, burning, scratching, skin-picking, bone-breaking, hair-pulling (trichotillomania), hitting, overdosing on medication, deliberate overuse injuries, interference with wounds healing, and any other behavior and action that will cause damage to oneself.

Still yet in clinical studies and an informal Usenet survey it was found, "the most popular act was cutting, and the most popular sites were wrists, upper arms, and inner thighs. Many people have used more that one method, but...tend to favor one or two preferred methods and sites of abuse." However other sites those who self-mutilate use includes: lower legs, stomachs, lower arms, and the breast area. Dr. Favazza and another conducted a study of self-injuring women. It was found that: · 34% strongly hated their breasts · 58% strongly hated their periods · 56% strongly hated pelvic exams · 19% said they would be better off without a vagina · 10% said they injure in an attempt to stop their periods

"Each of these self-harming people has a different history, a different motive, a different state of mind before, during, and after harming themselves" (Steven Levenkron). Self-mutilators have several characteristics that define them. However not all individuals fit it exactly. They may only exhibit one or two characteristics. According to Mosby there is "an inability to cope with increased psychologic/physiologic tension in a healthy manner; feelings of depression, rejection, self hatred, separation anxiety, guilt, and depersonalization; fluctuating emotions; command hallucinations; need for sensory stimuli; parental emotional deprivation; and a dysfunctional family." While "Miller (1994) and Favazza (1986, 1996), among others, discuss several possible motivations: · Escape from emptiness, depression, and feelings of unreality · In order to ease tension · Relief; when intense feelings build, self injurers are overwhelmed and unable to cope, by causing pain, they reduce the level of emotional and physiological arousal to a bearable one · Expression of emotional pain · Escaping numbness · Obtaining a feeling of euphoria · Continuing abusive patterns: self-injurers tend to have been abused as children · Relief of anger · Biochemical relief · Obtaining or maintaining control over the behavior of others · Exerting a sense of control over one's body · Grounding in reality, as a way of dealing with feelings of depersonalization and dissociation · Maintaining a sense of security or feeling of uniqueness · Expressing or repressing sexuality · and Expressing or coping with feelings of alienation"

It is believed that self-mutilation may be co morbid with other disorders. For example a person, who shows a self-mutilating behavior, also is likely to suffer from an eating disorder, substance abuse problems, etc. The following is a percentage from the book Bodily Harm showing what percent of people with other disorders also self-mutilates: "Types of population Percent who also self-injure" Bulimics 40.5 Anorexics 35.0 Patients with multiple personality disorder 34.0 Prisoners with personality disorders 24.0 Mentally retarded people in institutions 13.6

Women and men experience and deal with their emotions differently. While a woman is more likely to turn their feelings inward, men are more likely to express and turn their anger outwards. When it comes to self mutilating behavior women tend to do things like cutting carefully. While a male is more likely to make deeper, and longer cuts, more serious burns. They act more than they think, where as female will think a little more when it comes to self-mutilation. Two friends of mine, one male the other female, mutilated themselves in almost the exact same spot, a few inches above the left nipple. My female friend made a cut that required about 10 stitches. The cut was somewhat shallow, yet deep enough to require stitches. While my male friend took a knife and stabbed it into his chest, barely missing his heart. Both were acts of desperation, yet expressed in two different ways.

Self-mutilation is slowly gaining in popularity. Coined now as the "anorexia of the nineties," it is slowly becoming just as popular as eating disorders. Some even will say that self-mutilation and eating disorders are sister diseases. According to Favazza "self-injury is probably a bit epidemic." Favazza continues to estimate "the number of sufferers at 750 per 100,000 Americans, or close to 2 million, but suggests the actual figure may be higher." Many self-mutilators will even be hospitalized. However this is one of the worst things that can be done. In a hospital setting the individual is often restricted from sharps of any kind, including plastic silverware for eating. When you remove the individuals’ choice cutting instrument it forces the individual to become very resourceful at finding objects to harm themselves. Unless the individual wants to stop self-mutilating, any hospitalizations will be useless.

Self-mutilation affects many people of different ethnic origins. It is found that females practice the behavior more than males. The mutilator usually starts at about age 14 and will continue until their late 20's. However it has been found that some people start as children and continue until late in life. The usual self-mutilator is generally of Caucasian descent, and comes from middle class families. As mentioned before they are also likely to suffer from other obsessive-compulsive disorders. "Often she is a high achiever in some area.... At the same time, she may ignore subjects that don't interest her.... She is often apologetic even when she has done nothing to apologize for.... Still she is a person generally liked by her peer group." A recent question on a self-mutilation message board asked what age everyone had started hurting themselves. Overall it was found that 7 out of eight respondents started in their early teens. The other one had started as a child.

Two groups that aim to help those who self-mutilate are S.A.F.E., short for Self Abuse Finally Ends, and Self-Mutilators Anonymous. Both have been researched for the study of this paper. The Thin Red Line mentions: "Self-mutilators anonymous, a New York support group, was initiated 11 years ago by two men, one of whom, Sheldon Goldberg, 59, gouged his face with cuticle scissors, "deep digging" to remove ingrown hairs. 'I would have so many bandages on my face from cutting that I would sit on the subway all dressed to go to work,' says Goldberg,"and people would look at me and I would realize a wound had opened up and I was bleeding all over my shirt.' Now five reconstructive surgeries later, the lower half of Goldbergs face is solid scar tissue." Goldberg continued, "But men can get away with it.... When people ask me what happened, I say: 'I was in the war. I was in a fire.' Men can use all the macho stuff."

In one part of Levenkrons book this dialogue goes on: “I commented, 'you don't like pain at all, then?' She shot me a critical look. 'It's never about liking pain. If I liked pain, then it wouldn't help. I hate it, that's why it helps.'" Conterio and Favazza conducted a study in 1986. According to them 10% of those who self-mutilate feel great pain, 23% experience moderate pain, and 67% felt little or no pain at all. One self-mutilator quoted, "It wasn't pain I was feeling, it was like an injection of Novocain that the dentist uses; it makes pain go away even though the needle 'pricks' as the dentist puts it in. And because I controlled the pain there was no fear with it. So maybe it's not real pain." For the self-mutilator, the physical pain is a cure for emotional pain. Karen Conterio states "Self-mutilation is a behavior, not an identity."

Family and close friends often have a hard time dealing with the self-mutilator. Some may give ultimatums. However no matter how much a person cares for the self-mutilator, no one can force them to stop. Family and friends need to be honest with themselves about how self-injury makes them feel. Some ideas of showing support include: · Don't avoid the subject of self-mutilation. · Be available to talk. · Make it clear from your behavior that they don't need to self-mutilate to get your attention. Family and friends should never be afraid to take a break when they need to. If they don't take breaks they will eventually burn out.

Behind every self-mutilator is a very scared person. “I think that there’s a wish implicit in the injury that someone else will notice and ask about it,” claims Conterio. On a self-injury message board, there is a common theme. Almost everyone wants help. Often you will read about how someone in the helping role made a comment that was rude or uncalled for. Many health practitioners are not trained in how to deal with a self-mutilator. A bill of rights has been written up for those who self mutilates. It follows: “The Bill of Rights for Those who Self-Harm 1. The right to caring, humane medical treatment. Self-injurers should receive the same level and quality of care that a person presenting with an identical but accidental injury would receive. Procedures should be done as gently as they would be for others. If stitches are required, local anesthesia should be used. Treatment of accidental injury and self-inflicted injury should be identical. 2. The right to participate fully in decisions about emergency psychiatric treatment (so long as no one's life is in immediate danger). When a person presents at the emergency room with a self-inflicted injury, his or her opinion about the need for a psychological assessment should be considered. If the person is not in obvious distress and is not suicidal, he or she should not be subjected to an arduous psych evaluation. Doctors should be trained to assess suicidality/homicidality and should realize that although referral for outpatient follow-up may be advisable, hospitalization for self-injurious behavior alone is rarely warranted. 3. The right to body privacy. Visual examinations to determine the extent and frequency of self-inflicted injury should be performed only when absolutely necessary and done in a way that maintains the patient's dignity. Many who SI have been abused; the humiliation of a strip-search is likely to increase the amount and intensity of future self-injury while making the person subject to the searches look for better ways to hide the marks. 4. The right to have the feelings behind the SI validated. Self-injury doesn't occur in a vacuum. The person who self-injures usually does so in response to distressing feelings, and those feelings should be recognized and validated. Although the care provider might not understand why a particular situation is extremely upsetting, she or he can at least understand that it *is* distressing and respect the self-injurer's right to be upset about it. 5. The right to disclose to whom they choose only what they choose. No care provider should disclose to others that injuries are self-inflicted without obtaining the permission of the person involved. Exceptions can be made in the case of team-based hospital treatment or other medical care providers when the information that the injuries were self-inflicted is essential knowledge for proper medical care. Patients should be notified when others are told about their SI and, as always, gossiping about any patient is unprofessional. 6. The right to choose what coping mechanisms they will use. No person should be forced to choose between self-injury and treatment. Outpatient therapists should never demand that clients sign a no-harm contract; instead, client and provider should develop a plan for dealing with self-injurious impulses and acts during the treatment. No client should feel they must lie about SI or be kicked out of outpatient therapy. Exceptions to this may be made in hospital or ER treatment, when a contract may be required by hospital legal policies. 7. The right to have care providers who do not allow their feelings about SI to distort the therapy. Those who work with clients who self-injure should keep their own fear, revulsion, anger, and anxiety out of the therapeutic setting. This is crucial for basic medical care of self-inflicted wounds but holds for therapists as well. A person who is struggling with self-injury has enough baggage without taking on the prejudices and biases of their care providers. 8. The right to have the role SI has played as a coping mechanism validated. No one should be shamed, admonished, or chastised for having self-injured. Self-injury works as a coping mechanism, sometimes for people who have no other way to cope. They may use SI as a last-ditch effort to avoid suicide. The self-injurer should be taught to honor the positive things that self-injury has done for him/her as well as to recognize that the negatives of SI far outweigh those positives and that it is possible to learn methods of coping that aren't as destructive and life-interfering. 9. The right not to be automatically considered a dangerous person simply because of self-inflicted injury. No one should be put in restraints or locked in a treatment room in an emergency room solely because his or her injuries are self-inflicted. No one should ever be involuntarily committed simply because of SI; physicians should make the decision to commit based on the presence of psychosis, suicidality, or homicidality. 10. The right to have self-injury regarded as an attempt to communicate, not manipulate. Most people who hurt themselves are trying to express things they can say in no other way. Although sometimes these attempts to communicate seem manipulative, treating them as manipulation only makes the situation worse. Providers should respect the communicative function of SI and assume it is not manipulative behavior until there is clear evidence to the contrary.”

Self-mutilation is a very complex disorder. By examining the behavior we gain a better understanding about why someone would feel the need to participate in it. Just as you or I learn ways to cope with the stresses of daily life, so has the self-mutilator. They are not freaks or extremely abnormal, they simply have a disorder that must be addressed. Through understanding, and psychotherapy the self-mutilator will learn healthy ways of dealing with their emotions. Family and friends must be there to help and guide that person as they learn ways to deal with life instead of harming themselves. We must be careful not to put a stigma on those who need help. Educate yourself on the matter.

Re: my psych paper
Posted by tracey on Wed Mar 20 02:05:33 2002 (#15515)

Erica, yes its very long, but ive read through it all, and i think that you have really thought about what you are talking about. i think that what you've written is very good.

The Bill of Rights for Those who Self-Harm - that was quite intersting to read, to see the rights it writting, i hadnt before, and it was reasuring to know them.

but overall, that was a very good paper! well done

Re: my psych paper
Posted by scaredinthedark on Wed Mar 20 21:36:15 2002 (#15537)

this is really good. i hope you get an A. but even if our parents try and help we don't want to be smothered. just to keep that in mind. well good job and post what you got on the paper. it'd be cool to know how you did. lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: my psych paper
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Mar 21 01:47:37 2002 (#15549)

Very good Erica! I hope you get an A+ on this paper. Take care. Love, RHonda

Re: my psych paper
Posted by She on Thu Mar 21 22:25:11 2002 (#15582)

Thats really good i bet u'll get an a+

hey everyone
Posted by Erryn on Wed Mar 20 01:55:49 2002 (#15514)

Hey guys haven't been feeling to good lately sorry I haven't responded hope everyone is okay!!! See ya later Erryn

Re: hey everyone
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 20 18:17:41 2002 (#15532)

hey honey!!!!! good to hear from you. hope you feel better soon! loadsa love, el x x

Re: hey everyone
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Mar 21 01:49:31 2002 (#15550)

I hope you feel better real soon. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Update
Posted by FadeAway on Wed Mar 20 04:43:06 2002 (#15518)

She attempted suicide. What the fuck do I do now?

Re: Update
Posted by ella on Wed Mar 20 10:44:35 2002 (#15521)

hey,

im sorry that things arent going well! is she going to be ok?? if she is alright and you are able to see her try and talk to her bout good things that she is still alive and just how her that you are happy that she is there and that you care...maybe get her summit nice to show her in a physical form that you care or do what i do and justsit with her loads (well if you feel comfortable) and just listen to music and gossip or watch tele so even tho youre not talking (you are showing you care by sitting there) and when she is ready to talk she will open up to you.

write back as soon as you can...ill be thinking of both of you!

lots of love Ella xxxx

Good News
Posted by FadeAway on Thu Mar 21 04:58:27 2002 (#15556)

She's recovering. I went to see her today, even though I was certain she wasn't up for seeing me. I couldn't have been more wrong! She was overjoyed to see me, and she'll probably be out of the hospital by Friday. Thanks for everything, guys (and girls!)

Re: Good News
Posted by ella on Thu Mar 21 16:06:32 2002 (#15568)

thats great news and im glad you went to see her!!!! im so happy that she was happy to see you.....means she knows that you care and that she trusts you!!

yay thats put me in a really good mood for some reason!!!! :)

hope things start to sort themselves out properly and that you two get to be even better friends from all this!!

good luck and keep up the good work, keep me up to date on how everythings going

lotsa love, ella xxxxxxx

Re: Good News
Posted by FadeAway on Fri Mar 22 04:26:20 2002 (#15602)

Actually, she was already my girlfriend.

nothing really
Posted by ella on Wed Mar 20 11:38:57 2002 (#15522)

heya people,

im just writing cuz i reckon im the only person here who is on right now.... hmmmm wel im just gunna let u all know a few things......

the other day i was in a REALLY bad mood and instead of tryin to steal back all my sedatives from where they were hidden from me i thought that i would try painting what i felt..so anyways i painted everything in red and on one page i just wrote the word "hate" three times really big....it felt good for some reason doing this and so i left it on my radiator to dry but i forgot it and some of my friends came in and saw it and looked through my book and then just kinda left...they didnt say a thing and ive written some pretty scary stuff in there i guess and it wasnt their right to read it all but now they are giving me strange looks and havent said a word bout it even tho i know that they must have seen it all.....i feel so crap cuz that was my special book and now theyve seen it......

hmm thats shit

another thing is that im WAY behind in schoool work, like beyond belief...well in my eyes i am,cuz im normally really good at keeping up but lately im just too tired and too lazy to bother or care really...i hate that bout me

i seem to be hating a lot of things bout me

but i hate that i dont have my sedatives...i need them cuz i feeel so much worse without them and i know if i had them i wouldnt be all stressy and argh!!!

i look bout and everything is just a haze... like literally.....and nothing registers well anymore cuz i dont pay attention and im just so tired i dont want to ....

plus my "friends" have COMPLETELY stopped talking to me bar one and i dont see her very often cuz she lives far away...i hide away from eveyone now cuz i dont wanna deal w them and they dont wanna deal w me...

god im so tired of everything.....

what can i do................

im just feelin really hopeless

love ella xxx

Re: nothing really
Posted by She on Wed Mar 20 16:53:03 2002 (#15528)

Ohh girl taht really sux. Do you think that they may come round when they have time to think about what they saw ,they ,they may be upset to think that their friend feels that way. Luve ya lots She

Re: nothing really
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 20 18:13:56 2002 (#15531)

oh sweetie, i know how you feel. I'm too tired to do anything at school and my works soooooooooooo behind. my "friends" don't talk to me either. i feel pretty alone, apart from when I'm on here. you've always got us to talk to. I know that's probably not much consalation at the moment, but hey. take care honey, love ya loads, el x

SMILE
Posted by smiler on Wed Mar 20 15:16:33 2002 (#15523)

smile though your heart is aching//smile event though its breaking// when there are clouds in the sky youll get by//if you smile with your fear and sorrow then maybe tomorrow//youll find that life is still worthwile if you just smile.

that is my inspiration

michael jacksons SMILE my all time favourite song

i dunno y i posted that but hey......what can i say i love it!

Re: SMILE
Posted by J on Wed Mar 20 19:22:20 2002 (#15533)

if it gets you through the day then go 4 it!!! love and support Jx

scared aka donna
Posted by mmm last chance almost?? on Wed Mar 20 15:22:08 2002 (#15524)

erm so yeah i dont want to kill myself..............i want control thats not the right way to get it

my alternative is to run away???? anyone run away from home before in england???

any ideas where the fuck i can go???

i have no choice so if anyone wants to put me up for a while.......(he he he lol im only messing lol)

but seriously any one no where i can go????????

Re: scared aka donna
Posted by She on Wed Mar 20 17:06:32 2002 (#15529)

Hiya I 'm not sure if this will help .But i have run away from "home" sevral times befor , The first few times i was v young and went home about a month later but l always came home feeling like i have had a huge break .

Then when i was abused i went away with a good friend for a very long time and it was wonderfull i left behind all my troubles and started fresh i didnt cut at all or use drugz (wow) at all for the whole time.

Anfortinatly my troubles cought up with me. I then got in touch with my mother who said i could come "home" if i ever wanted to so i did.

It was the most amazing times of my life was when i was away from "home" I think that it is nice to get away from your troubels even if its just a long holliday.

Im really glad that youve come back. Ive been given the chance to move away with my uncle to an island just off africa .Think i should go ?? Love you loads Keep safe She

Re: scared aka donna
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 20 18:06:38 2002 (#15530)

come and live with me!!!!!!!!! lol! seriously though, you wouldn't find it any better here. :) I've never run away, though god knows I've thought about it. take care luvvy! el x

Re: scared aka donna
Posted by Lost but Not Yet Found on Wed Mar 20 20:46:26 2002 (#15534)

Donna, ive thought about running away so many times, but everytime ive refused to go. i feel that running away from a problem is not the right thing to do. it provides a temporary release but the problems dont go away. my thoughts are that you should try and confront your problems before you run away from them. i cant tell you what to do i just think that you are more likly to find a soloution if you stay where you are and face up to the things that hurt/have hurt you. the only way problems fade away are if they are delt with. there are things in my past that if they had been talked about would never have put me in this situation. i never suffered abuse or anything like that but my step dad walked out on me and my mum and my older sister. because it was never talked about i blamed myself. i wished i could run away from it all, but i was only 11. that was when i started cutting. i still feel as though i could run away but the longer i stay where i am the more the hurt fades. my relationship with my mum has improved with time and i believe that if you stay where you are then you might be able to deal with things in time.

Love Trust and Pixi Dust Amanda

oooops posted that wrong way lol
Posted by scared aka donna on Wed Mar 20 15:24:31 2002 (#15525)

put my name in the subject instead......geeesssh wot am i like??????

humph
Posted by smiler on Wed Mar 20 21:40:38 2002 (#15538)

well im bored......i want to cut real bad and im sick of my life....i thort i would try and see how it helps maybe to write on here??.......mmmmmm i dunno yet but u all seem so friendly.....i think yor all real talented and very brave each and every one of u i hope i can be like you someday.....anyways ill just go and cut now i think, nothing else to do xxxx

Re: humph
Posted by scaredinthedark on Wed Mar 20 21:48:50 2002 (#15539)

don't cut cause yur bored. talk. it's much more safer that way. i wish i could cut. oh well. take care. lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: humph
Posted by Crimson Fire on Thu Mar 21 00:35:26 2002 (#15546)

hey smiler!!! i know i cant tell you not to cut cause dude whats that going to accomplish?!?but then again i dont know what to tell you...i guess this may be for all of you, but i think im starting to get better..!! im not sure, but my happy days are starting to outnumber my sad ones, even though i still have no motivation to do things i used to love, im cutting less, and im not so incredibly depressed! i know i have a long way to go but im starting to see the path brighten, and i just wanted to say that a month ago i never would have ever thought there was a hope for me, but there is. theres hope for all of us, and i seirously think this board is a major factor in me feeling better.

i wish
Posted by scaredinthedark on Wed Mar 20 21:51:52 2002 (#15540)

oh how i wish i could cut. it's no fun if you can't cut. i'm being deprived from it. i know i'm blabbin but i hafta. i have nuthin else to do. there is nothing here to cut with. you wouldn't believe sum of the stuff i've tried but none of it works. does anyone have any ideas on how i can cut? they took like everything away. who has creative minds they can share with me? if you don't wanna help it's ok but i just thought it'd be ok to ask. i needed to. well everyone take care. lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: i wish
Posted by She on Thu Mar 21 17:43:01 2002 (#15569)

iya Someone posted on here befor that if you rub an ice cube where you would usally cut it hurts and leves a red mark but the mark goes in like 5 mins. I found that quite helpfull. Love She**

?????????
Posted by Krysten on Wed Mar 20 22:06:47 2002 (#15541)

What do you do when you give till there's nothing left of you but blood, but you can't let go?

Re: ?????????
Posted by . on Thu Mar 21 19:55:31 2002 (#15577)

give your self time to think over the situation xx

Re: ?????????
Posted by Krysten on Thu Mar 21 21:57:37 2002 (#15579)

Thinking doesn't help. I tried that. I've done everything I can thing of to make it ok(save dieing, so far) and nothing's ever good enough. I haven't done anything wrong to anyone ever, but everyone I know but 3 ppl hate me, and one boy is even trying to hex me to break my legs so he can see me in pain, and I don't know why. HELP!!!!!

Re: ?????????
Posted by she on Thu Mar 21 22:22:01 2002 (#15581)

Hiya I get really worrid when people dont like me to , but you seam like a wounderfull person and they are the ones loosing out. I knowin a bit about hexes and shit and you can totaly stop it by wearing a small mirror around your neck. One side shiney and reflective and the other scrached and dull.There is about 1000 other things you can do to let me kow if you want some more info.But the best thing to do is to know belife it . Love ya lots She

Re: ?????????
Posted by eleanor on Thu Mar 21 23:27:21 2002 (#15585)

people are mostly shit. most people hate me too, because i'm a "freak". always remember that we love you! take care honey, el x

Re: ?????????
Posted by Krysten on Sat Mar 23 21:53:19 2002 (#15655)

I just don't know what I'm expected to do. I just want to leave here and never come back. People say "We love you and want you here with us." and treat me like they wish I were dead. I with the same, most of the time. To make it worse, the one person I have trusted with my woes has stopped responding to my emails, and I can't call, because it's long distance. I feel totally alone, except for you guys, and I just... I am going to start cutting again. I don't know what else to do. Help!?!

Re: ?????????
Posted by eleanor on Sat Mar 23 23:01:22 2002 (#15659)

hey sweetie. people always say that they care about me and want me around but then they act like they want me dead, especially my parents. i'm sorry about your friend not replying to your emails. PLEASE don't start cutting again! if you need to talk you can always email me, i'd love to help and talk to you. take care honey. all my love, el x x

i need help~~so bad
Posted by kelly on Wed Mar 20 22:20:42 2002 (#15542)

my friend died on sat in a car acciednt and i dont know what to do, i keep hacking on my body so bad im starting to scare myself. i dont want to die but thats how i feel right now. i miss my friend so much i cant beleive how much i miss him. i really loved him and i dont know if i can go on, someone help me please. thanks Kelly

Re: i need help~~so bad
Posted by scaredinthedark on Wed Mar 20 22:25:12 2002 (#15543)

oh that's so sad. but i know what you're goin through. i've felt that way and still do but i think it's my fault. my friend died in a car accident. it was a guy too. he killed himself. 2 years ago next friday. 9 days.ugh. if you need to talk i'll be online till 530. my sn is sassycggurl.

Re: i need help~~so bad
Posted by Crimson Fire on Thu Mar 21 01:58:48 2002 (#15551)

ive never had a loved one die, so i dont know what to say!! but i know if you need to talk to someone im always here!!

Re: i need help~~so bad
Posted by SHE on Fri Mar 22 16:51:27 2002 (#15611)

Hiya I know its sooo hard to lose a friend. Hope things start to feel better son . Im here if you Ever want to talk. Love and hugz She

Re: i need help~~so bad
Posted by jennyfer on Sun Mar 24 02:54:28 2002 (#15672)

hay i know it's hard but u have to hang in there mostly for yourself...i know what it's like to lose someone that u really cared for but hay things happen for a reason...rememebr that...my great grandma died in september and i thought my life was ove...i didn't know what to do...that was when my cutting got really really bad...i even tried kiling myself...i was almost successful too..but then i dunno...look here's a song that i listen to when i'm feelin shitty it's kinda corny but read the words...it might help

EVERYBODY HURTS... when theday is long and the night ,when ur sureuve had enough of this life well hang on. don't lt urself go everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.sometimes everything is wrong. now it's time to sing along.when ur day is night alonehold on if u feel like letting go hold onwhen u think u've had too muchof this life well hang on.everybody hurts. take comfort in ur friends everybody hurts don't throw ur hand oh no don't thrpw u rhandifu feel like ur alone no no no ur not alone if ur alone in this life the days and nights r long when u think u've had too muchof this life to hang on well everybody hurts sometimes everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes and everybody hurts sometimes so hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on EVERYBODY HURTS UR NOT ALONE...

well i hope i have provided u with some comfort i know it's not much but hay...feel free to email if u wanna talk or somethin XOXOXOXO

NOT GOOD
Posted by Donna on Wed Mar 20 22:55:17 2002 (#15544)

im not good at all-i cut last nite-really bad!!!i cried for all i was worth-i cant wait till i get my head sorted!! Things are just soooo hard for me and now i'm telling every1 im ok and that everythings fine when im screaming out for help inside!! That makes things worse-the only person i intend to tell from now on is my counsellor and of course you guys cos you're great!i luv you all dearly......im gonna go now but i hope youre all ok and ill b thinking bout you all the time!!! luv Donna

Re: NOT GOOD
Posted by scaredinthedark on Wed Mar 20 22:59:49 2002 (#15545)

i hope you're ok. please please please take care of yourself. we love you in here. you've helped me sooooooo much and i hate to see people like you hurt. take care. lots and lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: NOT GOOD
Posted by Crimson Fire on Thu Mar 21 02:08:28 2002 (#15552)

hey donna gurl!! we love you! dont worry youll get through this!! im sure your counselor will be able to help a lot and if she cant then we will try our hardest!! lov you!!

Re: NOT GOOD
Posted by mego on Thu Mar 21 04:44:07 2002 (#15555)

we love you too donna. i hope things are okay. send me some mail or come on and talk to me anytime, i'll always be here for you. take care.

Re: NOT GOOD
Posted by She on Thu Mar 21 17:49:26 2002 (#15570)

We love you loads . Let us know how you r . Loads or love She

Re: NOT GOOD
Posted by eleanor on Thu Mar 21 23:29:38 2002 (#15586)

hope things get better soon. love you LOADS!!!!!! el x x

panic-help...
Posted by c on Thu Mar 21 01:42:33 2002 (#15548)

i'm back...if anyone cares...fled to florida for a couple days...now my grades are falling. i have panic attacks every night. and maybe a small one during the day. i can't keep living like this...i don't know what to do...it's like going down that first big dip on a rollercoaster...you know that feeling of rush throughout your body...it's like that, but for much longer, and you can't make it stop...you just fall forever. i can't seem to make myself small enough. i curl up in a ball and sit in my closet...i don't usually cry but i just had one and the tears were pouring...i can't keep doing this. i haven't SIed in a couple weeks b/c my parents/friends were starting to ask questions....anyone know a way to make yourself pass out? i can't make myself throw up b/c i don't have a gag reflex...but i need to find somethign....some escape. help...PLEASE!!! i can't keep going on doing this...i just can't, i'm not strong enough...i've about had it...nobody here cares...i hate them...all my friends, family, and GOd for making me alone...i'm sorry...i'm so weak...i can't keep doing this....i'm sorry guys...i know this is just a bunch of bitching and God knows none of you deserve to take on more crap...i just don't know what to do...i'm so sorry if i'm being a burden...i know i am to everyone around me.

Re: panic-help...
Posted by Crimson Fire on Thu Mar 21 02:18:42 2002 (#15553)

hey you are not being a burden!!! im trying to think of other ways you can get a release other than SI....well lets see all ive ever really done is SI and throw up but those are ruled out..i used to swim to make myself feel better. when i was mad id just work my body so hard at practice that sometimes i would pass out afterwards and that often times worked for me but then i started feel like i was a failure at swim team...but lets not get into that. now i dont really swim anymore even though it was like my entire life, but i tap dance now (haha dont make fun of me i love it so much its great) and it kinda gives me the *high* that swimming used to give me. so i guess id suggest trying to find a sport or dance or physical activity you can do...its hard to start that when youre this depressed i know, but it helps if you find something you like to do. i hope it helps!! love you!!

Re: panic-help...
Posted by FadeAway on Thu Mar 21 05:08:14 2002 (#15558)

Someone tell me if I'm way outta line here, but you have to bear in mind that without you, whether you realize it or not, someone will be greatly hurt. People need you, you are part of someone's life. I've kept myself positive by continuously telling myself that. Sometimes all it takes is someone to say that you are a good person. And I know that you are. Having faith in yourself is the hardest thing to do, believe me. Your family and friends wouldn't have questioned your SIing unless they cared. They may not have the best way of showing their love, but they are. And people like me that care enough to try to help are doing just that. We're trying to help, not nagging you. And likewise the other way, you are NOT a burden. Email me if you want, I'll help.

the only importance
Posted by mego on Thu Mar 21 05:01:28 2002 (#15557)

your hands are so cold on my skin//you wonder why i wont let you in//grab my arm, pressure on my cuts//you wonder why i shy away from your touch//i wonder back do you really care//and try to fix what isnt there//when i'm with you i only regret//all the things i tend to forget//now your gone and all i see//is the harshness of this reality//youre playing your stupid games with my mind//are your trying to be so unkind//or is kindness your only true intention//there are certain things i just cant mention//what if you knew my secret//i know without a doubt that youd keep it//but would you still be here tomorrow//if i told you of all my sorrow//what if i let you know about blood//and why there isn't really love//if i let you in on this//would you see through all of it//or would you understand the pain in my eyes//how could you even realize//so lets keep it as it is, these things should be let go//sometimes the only importance lies in what you dont know

Re: the only importance
Posted by She on Thu Mar 21 17:52:11 2002 (#15571)

Wow Tha5t is really good Love ya loads She

sorry i havent been around much...
Posted by fallen star on Thu Mar 21 05:14:56 2002 (#15559)

been sick so i havent really felt up to posting, alots been going on for me. I feel kinda bad because i do want to help you all so much. Anyway just leting you all know im thinking about you, please try and stay safe and take care.

hugs and love Heather

oh and my aol is heatherseth36 and my msn is heatherandseth@hotmail.com and for anyone with icq its 7538741 and last of all yahoo is fallenstar_ - i got fed up with not having the same msg thingy as people so i got one with the lot, feel free to msg me if you need :)))

Re: sorry i havent been around much...
Posted by She on Thu Mar 21 17:54:20 2002 (#15572)

Hope you are better> love n hugz She

Re: sorry i havent been around much...
Posted by eleanor on Thu Mar 21 23:44:20 2002 (#15587)

hope you're ok sweety! take care, love el x x

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