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Threads 3751 to 3800

Trapped!
Posted by Julia on Wed Mar 13 04:06:00 2002 (#15090)

I believe I am stuck (trapped) in an inescapable nightmare. Things really aren't okay at all. There is so much sadness pulling me down and away from hope. It's like waves are crashing against me carrying me farther from shore and closer to death, although never close enough!

Re: Trapped!
Posted by wallflower on Wed Mar 13 04:40:27 2002 (#15092)

I'm really sorry things aren't going well. Maybe writing poetry or something would help releive some stress. You seem very good at it just from reading your message. I hope things get better. Stay safe.

Re: Trapped!
Posted by mego on Wed Mar 13 04:59:31 2002 (#15093)

dont let yourself get close enough. donna is gone, we dont need anyone else to leave us right now. post some problems or questions, we'll try to help

somethin stupid i wrote in bio...
Posted by Crimson Fire on Wed Mar 13 05:20:28 2002 (#15094)

High Beam:

To sit by the road watching dull colors fly in hurried torrents quickly by, is to sit in the moment of my life. The unseen holds fast muscles freeze in the heat silent minds trampled under feet is the tormenting pain plaguing my heart. The silence of tears and the lacking of breath insanity approaching death, creating control where before it had lacked. Mad tenderness shown single kindness thats felt panicked emotions all melt life dances on the edges of danger. This life full of death, just dances on the edges of danger.

Re: somethin stupid i wrote in bio...
Posted by mego on Wed Mar 13 13:54:14 2002 (#15099)

thats really good. the way you write things is crazy, it all sounds so good together. keep writing!

Re: somethin stupid i wrote in bio...
Posted by She on Wed Mar 13 16:47:35 2002 (#15101)

That was really good . You should write a book I'd read it loads. Thanx She

Re: somethin stupid i wrote in bio...
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 13 18:21:50 2002 (#15108)

that was beautifull sweetie. I agree with she. it'd be a best seller for sure. x x

Re: somethin stupid i wrote in bio...
Posted by scared aka donna on Wed Mar 13 23:10:06 2002 (#15132)

that was great...keep writing you are very talented and i enjoy reading your stuff xxx

hey
Posted by tearzofblood on Wed Mar 13 05:25:50 2002 (#15095)

hey everyone. . .a friend told me about this site(ahem)and so here i am.(hi nina, i love you) i dont exactally know what to say. . .i have been cutting for years now, and started burning myself not to long ago. I first put a cig out on my hand, and the pain was so intense that i could hardly bear it. . .it was like the world froze around that moment and nothing else in the world around me mattered. if im doing nothing, ill light a candle, heat scizors over it, and burn my skin with that. ive also started peircing myself with safty pins. my ear and hand are both infected at the moment because i didnt staralize anything. . .its so gross. thats about enough for tonight. . .take care.

Re: hey
Posted by fallen star on Wed Mar 13 11:10:23 2002 (#15097)

Hey there, I stopped cutting a little under a year ago but i like to try and help people who still do if i can. I know what you mean about the cig, ive got 3 round scars on my hand from that. Watch out with the burning, they get infected very easily as i learnt. ive got 7 piercings at the moment, 4 in my ears (1 is through the centre and if you want pain well that one kills), my nose, lip and tongue but i also use to have my belly and nipples done, my nipples i took out when i got pregnant. I also have 2 tattoos one is a geckoo and the other a frog names squish. sorry for going a bit off track, welcome to the board, your lucky to have such a wonderful friend :)

hugs and love Heather

Re: hey
Posted by mego on Wed Mar 13 13:56:11 2002 (#15100)

i burned myself for the first time last... saturday maybe?? i dont know, but my hand is all nasty from it too. it sucks. well, you're welcome here, keep posting!

Re: hey
Posted by She on Wed Mar 13 16:53:41 2002 (#15103)

HIya

Ive never tryed burning my self I cut for blood .But i bet burning hurts owch. Humm .Ok im writing bill shit to day. Your luck you have a really good friend . You like the site? i do. Lots of luv she If u eve want to talk let me know

Re: hey
Posted by wallflower on Thu Mar 14 03:36:02 2002 (#15153)

Please be careful with the piercings. Infections are never good (of course). I wouldn't want you getting sick hon. Thanks for joining us. Luv yah.

a friend of scared aka donna maybe??
Posted by sarah louise on Wed Mar 13 17:17:54 2002 (#15105)

hey so i know i shouldnt be here but well i dont know i guess i just wanted to come and find out for myself. my friend is donna but she calls herself scared on here i fink?? neways i was luking thru the posts and saw posts by scared aka donna so im figuring thats her??

well anyways she doesnt know that im here she doesnt know that i know she posts here but i saw her one day n she dint realise so now i ave chance ive come on here. looking at some of the posts has scared the shit outta me what with all the confusion about 2 donnas?? i read a post earlier by wallflower saying dont say anything if u r gunna kill yorself but im sory i have to ask this:

ive not heard from my friend who possibly calls herself scared aka donna, infact i dont know where she is so im hoping that maybe shell come back on this site form a computer somewhere n se this n get in touch coz i wanna no that shes ok. i also was wondering if anyone on here has bin in contact with her some other way like email or sommet? if so cud u just let me no? u dont av2 say where she is if u no just that shes ok yeah?

erm so dont worry anyway shes probably dun a disappearing act to sort her head out i just wanna no shes ok. none of u may no her or even respond 2 her posts coz i dunno how long shes bin cummin here? i just dunno? but luking at the posts reently i wundered what was goin on n cud u pls tell me were those posts called just "donna" from a diff person or wot? i hope u can understand that i really need to know if shes ok if u know. im not her mum or anything....oh yeah and although i have never self harmed, suffered from real depression and can never begin to understand wot your going through i just wana say that i think u r really brave and it is great that you are able to come here and be soo open about how you feel! i fink its fantastic, my heart goes out 2 all of ya xxx

Re: a friend of scared aka donna maybe??
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 13 18:19:58 2002 (#15107)

hey. I spoke to donna a quite al lot when she first came here. I really liked her. I've not heard from her, I've been real worried actually. I'm sure she'll be ok, I really hope so. When you do hear from her can you come back on here and tell us? I'm sure everyone wants to know if she's ok. good luck, and try not to worry too much sweetie. we all care about donna too. love n stuff, el x

need to talk
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Mar 13 18:15:22 2002 (#15106)

hey everyone. oh god, i've been in such a mess this week. haven't even been able to come on the board til now. I got fired from my job today. shit. I only missed 2 days coz my medication was fucking me up. I need the money from that job to go away to uni. I have to get away. I'll die if i'm stuck here forever. I'm also so behind with my school work, it seems like i'll never caTCH up. everywhere I turn somethings holding me back. my arms infected on top of all that. I've bin tryin to avoid it but I'm gonna have to go to the doctors. shit. I'm sorry about this. if someone could write back I'd be real grateful. I guess I just need to talk. thanx

Re: need to talk
Posted by tamzin on Wed Mar 13 18:44:51 2002 (#15111)

hey ther im new here and have bin cutting for a long time now, a friend told me bout this site sooo if you wanna chat then im here xxx

Re: need to talk
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 13 19:29:05 2002 (#15112)

hey. are you still there? I've been here for a couple of weeks but not long. i'm so glad I found this site, I felt so alone until then but people here are great.

Re: need to talk
Posted by She on Wed Mar 13 19:30:23 2002 (#15113)

HIya

ohhh girl sounds like u've had a crap week. If you want to talk let me know i'll be here for you. loads of love She

Re: need to talk
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 13 19:40:20 2002 (#15114)

hey. yeah, it's been pretty shit. I suppose I'll pull myself up again, I always do, but it's kinda hard. one knock back after another ya know? how are you goin with giving up heroin? I know it's SO not the same, but I gave up nicotine and it was crap. keep goin girl! e; x

Re: need to talk
Posted by She on Wed Mar 13 19:53:34 2002 (#15115)

HI Yeah i iz giving it up (good huh) it is hard but it is making me feel healther so thats a bit of a drive for me.Plus i have more money whhoo.(untill i find something else 2 get hooked on) Hows every thing going for you.Well done for giving up nickotine how long was it untill the cravings went away?You must be a pritty strong person to do that . Lots of love She

Re: need to talk
Posted by Erryn on Wed Mar 13 21:47:11 2002 (#15119)

hey guys im probably pretty late to be talking i can never get the time change, i hope things get better, you have alot here we all understand, i dont know where you live but after the terrotists attacks here there are not very many jobs good luck xx Erryn

Re: need to talk
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 13 23:20:18 2002 (#15134)

i live in england. it must have been terrible, all the terrorist attacks, I can't even imagine. I guess I haven't got a lot to moan about compared to some peoples situation. Lots of us are fighting a losing battle. Thanks for replying. lotsa love, el x x

Re: need to talk
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 13 23:16:39 2002 (#15133)

it was a while before the cravings went, a few months. I think its different for different people though. you must be strong for even trying to give up heroin. just having the will to start is half of the battle won. KEEP GOING! I'm here to support you. lotsa luv el x

Re: need to talk
Posted by tracey on Wed Mar 13 23:49:00 2002 (#15142)

hi she, i dont know you very well, but good luck for giving up heroin. i know someone that was hocked, shes on methadone,(i think thats how you spell it)now. its pretty tough, but i hope you pull through. take care, love tracey

Re: need to talk
Posted by fallen star on Thu Mar 14 02:30:22 2002 (#15150)

good on you, i kinda know how hard it is to give up stuff like that. I gave up valium type stuff, pot, speed and ciggarettes all pretty much at the same time, all just before i got pregnant (strange timing but oh well). Stay strong and safe, its a hard road but you can make it.

hugs and love Heather

Re: need to talk
Posted by scared aka donna on Wed Mar 13 22:56:59 2002 (#15127)

hey eleanor how are you i havent spoken 2 u in a while well i hope you are doin ok....it sounds like youve had a shit week chuck. well if ya wanna chat you know where i am K? cya later hun xxxx

to scared aka donna
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 13 23:23:42 2002 (#15135)

hiya sweetie! how are you? I've been worried bout you! the whole donna thing got so confusing I didn't know what was going on. Are you ok?????? Yeah it has been pretty crap. I just need to pull myself together. write back if you're still there hun. love el x x

Re: need to talk
Posted by Crimson Fire on Thu Mar 14 04:52:23 2002 (#15155)

hey! i know this is weird but im just curious...when you say go away to Uni, do you mean the school Uni?? cause if you do then we probably live really close to each other...

Re: need to talk
Posted by eleanor on Thu Mar 14 12:55:18 2002 (#15161)

I mean university. hope you're ok beka! love always, el x x

throwing up
Posted by confused on Wed Mar 13 20:06:15 2002 (#15116)

i decided like almost a month ago to stop cutting and i have not done it i mean ive been close but didnt do it. but recently i started throwing up my food is this just my stupid self hurting me in another way

Re: throwing up
Posted by She on Wed Mar 13 20:19:12 2002 (#15117)

Ohh sweety

Im knot sure if this the same or n e thing but I used to starve my slef hold my breath till i passed out ect bofor i cut and it is Apparentley ont of those things that peopley do to harm them selfs in other ways.Do u think you would be able should try and stop or get help really soon cause it could get really dangerouse for you. If you ever want n e one to talk to let me know. Good luck please try knot to do this to often . lots of love She**

Re: throwing up
Posted by mego on Wed Mar 13 22:45:41 2002 (#15124)

i dont know, i threw up a lot for a while, too. now i dont do it as much, but once in a while i will, usually when i'm upset, so it might be. oh yeah, and make sure you clean your mouth really good when youre done, your stomach acid will eat away at your teeth

Re: throwing up
Posted by scared aka donna on Wed Mar 13 23:04:09 2002 (#15130)

yeh.... i did that last month......i think for me it was just an another way of harming myself oyu no 2 see which worked best for me! i was lucky in a way coz i hated it so i stopped. try not to let yourself get addicted to it its more harmfull than cutting

that was said with no intention of patronising you by the way xxx

Re: throwing up
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 13 23:27:55 2002 (#15136)

hey. yeah, it is another way of harming yourself. i do it someertimes. I hate myself so in a way it's my way of punishing myself. I know it's dangerous and I am trying to stop, along with the cutting but it's hard when you get into a habit. take care of yourself sweetie and be careful. lots of love, el x x

Re: throwing up
Posted by Crimson Fire on Thu Mar 14 01:07:06 2002 (#15145)

i was bulimic for about a year, it didnt really take the place of my cutting but it added to it so instead of doing like 20 cuts id do 5 and then throw up. so yeah. i know what you mean.

Re: throwing up
Posted by confused on Thu Mar 14 06:37:51 2002 (#15160)

wow it seems like alot of people do other things to stop why is it that we have all the problems i mean not only do we cut but we starve vomit are depressed. any thing else anyone can think of? why is it this happens anyway?

OH MY GOD HOWDYA NO!!!!????
Posted by scared aka donna on Wed Mar 13 20:45:05 2002 (#15118)

erm so yeah here i am..gian trying to explain myself!!! HEY!!!! sarah absolutely no need for you to post here and im angry that you did and that you have bin eavesdropping on my conversations!! but i still luv ya and i hope that you can understand why i do wot i do and i also hope youve not told anyone and it really sucks that you have found out this way but nevermind. as for evryone else...........sorry that my friend has posted like that i guess she jst paniked and eleanor sorry if she made u worry 2 coz im fine im just not around and about thats all.

erm i guess i just like reading evry1 elses posts sometimes oyu know and dont have anthing to say myself but im still inyour presence though....sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry

and sarah......thanks a lot i may have to stop postin here now cozza you reading my posts i wont b able to expressw wot i feel wivout bin paranoid!!!! thanks a bloody lot love!! (but i still luv ya)

bye bye bye evrybody...hope yor doin ok xx

Re: OH MY GOD HOWDYA NO!!!!????
Posted by Erryn on Wed Mar 13 21:52:09 2002 (#15120)

Hey dont worry about her maybe she does care dont stop posting here because we all care about you and want to help you because you have helped me alot, we all feel the same way just hang in there if you dont feel comfortable posting e-mail me ill be happy to talk to you xxx Erryn

Re: OH MY GOD HOWDYA NO!!!!????
Posted by lora on Wed Mar 13 23:03:49 2002 (#15129)

Don't stop posting messages.From one cutter to another.

Re: OH MY GOD HOWDYA NO!!!!????
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 13 23:30:59 2002 (#15137)

you'd so better not stop posting young lady!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! seriously though hun you know my e mail address so USE IT any time you don't feel comfortable on the board. love ya loads, el x

Re: OH MY GOD HOWDYA NO!!!!????
Posted by She on Thu Mar 14 00:19:48 2002 (#15143)

Please dont stop posting here i know what you mean though I'd die if a friend of mine found My messages. PLease dont stop though. Lots of love She

just curious!!
Posted by Erryn on Wed Mar 13 21:55:35 2002 (#15121)

Hey guys im just curious about where everyone is from and how old you are? Im 26 have two kids a girl that 4 and a half and a boy thats 2 and im from Wapakoneta, Ohio small town sucks Neil Armstrong (the first man on the moon) was from here take care xxxErryn

Re: just curious!!
Posted by scared aka donna on Wed Mar 13 22:16:31 2002 (#15122)

i dont mind posting you my age and where i come from....its not like thats big secret from my friend or anything!! im 17 and i come from liverpool in england.

and in response to your other post you have helped me a lot more than youl ever know so it would be a shame for me 2 stop postin ere coz i like 2 no how u all gettin on. England is such a shitty place to live weather wise!!! we just saw 1st signs of sun today....but it was still freezing!! typical...we may never experience sunburn ever!!! we are deprived!!1 thanks a lot neways im just bablin now but im in quite a normal mood at the moment which has probably got something to do with my alcohol intake but who cares??!!! im feeling merry even if it is for a lil while its still better than never rite?? hop you feeling ok and take care of yourself!

geeesh i sounded like your american dude jerry springer then....."take care of youselfs and each other" hee hee heee hee hee hee.......sorry but when im drunk i tend to find anythin amusin!!!!! typical brit our sense of humour is sooo different to americans e use sarcasm in a different context...neway i really am gunna go now!!!!

am listening to my fave michael jackson......hes soooo fantastic!! but really i am gunna go now!! sorry if ive nnoyed anyone but well i guess it makes a change fro me talking bout suicide dunnnit!!!!!

cya l8a aligator (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah a ha hhahah h aha hha ha hha ah ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!)

Re: just curious!!
Posted by mego on Wed Mar 13 22:55:40 2002 (#15126)

my names megan (yeah, no shit...) i'm 15, i'm from a shitty little suburb about 20 minutes north of chicago

Re: just curious!!
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 13 23:37:42 2002 (#15140)

i'm 17 and i'm from a "historical market town" called chesterfield in the east midlands of england. sounds great doesn't it?! I can't wait to get out, it's killing me (literally). whether that's my parents or the actual place is debatable, but I'm getting out all the same. I love america, well what I've seen of it anyway. The best holiday I've ever had was over there, me and my best friend went to get away from shit and the people were so lovely. anyway, i'll stop babbling now! love ya loads, el x

Re: just curious!!
Posted by Tracey on Wed Mar 13 23:32:07 2002 (#15138)

im Tracey, im 14, i live in shitty england too (done south, east sussex), its aload of bollocks over here, evrything sucks.

Re: just curious!!
Posted by fallen star on Thu Mar 14 02:19:22 2002 (#15149)

I was wondering that to so good question, Im 21 and i have a 3week old baby boy named Seth. Im from perth australia but I was born in South Africa but have been here since i was about 2. Perth is pretty boring to but a nice quiet and relatively safe place to raise Seth.

hugs and love Heather

Re: just curious!!
Posted by scaredinthedark on Thu Mar 14 02:44:23 2002 (#15152)

that's a good question. i was wonderin it but i didn't have the nerve to ask. i'm zandra and i'm 15 and i'm from abington massachusetts. oh god never come here it's full of preps and jocks and cheerleaders and the occasional fucked up in the head person. oh wait i'm part of that. yees alright~!~ sorry. lol. take care. lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: just curious!!
Posted by Crimson Fire on Thu Mar 14 05:04:00 2002 (#15156)

haha like everyone else i was kinda curious too. most of us seem to be from england and the US!! im from sandiego california and im 16.

Re: just curious!!
Posted by tearzofblood on Thu Mar 14 05:25:00 2002 (#15158)

hey, im from millwauke wisconsin and am 15. . .yeah. talk to yall later. .

by the way
Posted by tearzofblood on Thu Mar 14 05:35:22 2002 (#15159)

. . .my screen name on aol is dustyteapot if anyone wants to talk, or whatever.

~C.

Re: just curious!!
Posted by She on Thu Mar 14 16:22:13 2002 (#15168)

Hi Im 16 from Wales in the Uk at the moment. If n e one wants to chat ever my Aol screen name is Rockinggodess Yahoo messanger is Javanight360 nut i cant work yahoo very well. Lots of love She

Re: just curious!!
Posted by She on Thu Mar 14 16:22:31 2002 (#15169)

Hi Im 16 from Wales in the Uk at the moment. If n e one wants to chat ever my Aol screen name is Rockinggodess Yahoo messanger is Javanight360 but i cant work yahoo very well. Lots of love She

Re: just curious!!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Mar 15 02:06:27 2002 (#15193)

Hey Erryn, I'm 41 and I live in Weatherford, Ok. That's in western Oklahoma, in the really flat part of the state. I'm still waiting to hear from Dr. Gilbert. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: just curious!!
Posted by wallflower on Fri Mar 15 03:33:24 2002 (#15202)

I'm 16 and I'm from the same fucked up and boring little suburb as tearzofblood. (That's Shorewood, Wisconsin) Yeah, I was born in a little hippyville in New York state, and that's where my heart is. Someday I will go back there even if it's the last thing I do. Talk to y'all later!

Re: just curious!!
Posted by elf on Mon Mar 18 05:59:02 2002 (#15355)

hi, i'm 16 and i'm from Wisconsin... i hate where i live, but i think everybody hates where they live...

®¢§

LOVE YA ALL
Posted by scared aka donna on Wed Mar 13 22:22:36 2002 (#15123)

hey hey hey hey hey hey just thort whilst i remember to say thankyou to evryone here you have been fantastic do u no that? i think yo are all great and im soooo gratefull for evrythin youve dun 2 help me these past few weeks. i love ya all!!! xxx

donna is okay
Posted by mego on Wed Mar 13 23:00:04 2002 (#15128)

i cant say how i know, but i know

Re: donna is okay
Posted by scared aka donna on Wed Mar 13 23:06:51 2002 (#15131)

thats brilliant news xxx

hope shes doing ok xxx

and dont really no u mego bt hope you doin ok 2 luv donna xxx

Re: donna is okay
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 13 23:40:30 2002 (#15141)

that's great, I'm so glad. lots of love, el x

Re: donna is okay
Posted by Tracey on Wed Mar 13 23:34:47 2002 (#15139)

that is such good news!!! hope she makes a good recovery, best wishes to her.

Re: donna is okay
Posted by wallflower on Thu Mar 14 03:44:24 2002 (#15154)

Heh, I hope you don't mean she's gone to heaven. I don't know, sometimes that's what people mean when they say stuff like that.

Re: donna is okay
Posted by She on Thu Mar 14 16:25:26 2002 (#15170)

Thats great news Hope everyone else is ok to. See you soon donna . Luv She

wallflower
Posted by mego on Thu Mar 14 23:46:52 2002 (#15183)

no, shes alive :)

Re: wallflower
Posted by wallflower on Fri Mar 15 02:53:56 2002 (#15199)

Oh that's good. I'm so glad to hear it.

Re: donna is okay
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Mar 15 02:10:39 2002 (#15194)

Wonderful news!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks Mego. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Get your ass's in here!!
Posted by Angela on Thu Mar 14 00:20:47 2002 (#15144)

Hey people, i'm new here. been cutting for about a year now, but I used to hurt myself in a lot of different ways. Why?? Screwed up family, I was abused once. it fucks me up quite a lot. I'm also bulimic, and have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Any of you wanna talk, email me!!

Trapped (cont.)
Posted by Julia on Thu Mar 14 01:08:51 2002 (#15146)

Waves od sadness have clamped over me, selaing in am emptiness, like an envelope (licked and shut). i wonder if this is how it feels like to be alone. It's like I'm caught in an endless hurricane storm, everything has swirled together.

my psych proff.
Posted by erica on Thu Mar 14 01:55:54 2002 (#15148)

Hi all, On monday I saw my psychiatrist. Since my mood has been down for a month she decided to increase my serocuel, respiradal, and effexor. She didn't touch my neuronton though. So yesterday was my first day of the new dosages. I slept in today until 11:00, I had gone to bed at 9:00 last night. I was supposed to be up for an 8:30 class. I talked with the instructor and everything will be allright. Anyways it seems to me that I slept for a little too long, and I'm allready ready to go to bed and it's only 5:30. Well in psych class today we were talking about bipolar depression. After class I talked to my instructor, who is a psychologist, about my mood swings. I haven't been diagnosed with bipolar, but I was told I get bipolar mood swings as well as post traumatic stress disorder. Well my instructor asked what kind of meds I was on. I told him I was on an anti-depressant, anti-psychotic, and 2 mood stabilizers. I also told him I took nine pills this morning and even though my coverage covers 80% of the cost of my pills, I still have to pay ~$100. He's like that is way too much. I told him I agreed, and that I want to go on less medications. I also named a dr. that my friend saw when she lived here in lethbridge, and in one visit he had her on less medication, and straightened out. So I told my instructor that and it turns out they are next door neighbors. He highly recommends I go. So that was my news about my psych instructor. Meanwhile I am soo totally bummed from yesterday. I saw 2 orthopedic surgeons about my arm(my right arm is partially paralized due to a birth injury). Well they were like"you are very complex and it will take radical surgery to achieve what you want". I guess the thing that bums me out is that some arrogant SOB fuckin idiot doctor injured me for life. So anyways they have me seeing another doctor in a week. I really hope it goes well. I'm just thinking that if my shoulder joint is as malformed as they say it is, why don't they just put a new one in. Oh well, this just totally sucks and I wanna cut, but I don't know how I would explain the cut if the dr asked. aurgh.

Erica

Re: my psych proff.
Posted by eleanor on Thu Mar 14 13:05:03 2002 (#15162)

hey. that's great. It sucks being on so much medication, if you can get it reduced then go for it girl. It really does suck about your arm though. you said it was a doctor that injured you? that happened to my little bro when he was born. anyways, hope it all works out ok for you! lots of love, el x

psychologists
Posted by Crimson Fire on Thu Mar 14 05:19:36 2002 (#15157)

i just stopped seeing my psychologist....this is like the 4th psychologist or something ive been through in the past year. i swear to god leaving a psychologist feels like you just had a bad breakup or something. its so stupid. its just that i canNOT talk about myself in person or with people that i know im going to have to see in person. like i talk to people on psyke and my friend tim and thats it, cause its online and ill never have to meet the people from here and i never see tim so thats why i can do it. im such an idiot. seriously if you put me in a psychologists office i can talk my head off about my family and friends but as soon as they ask me something about me i like just shut up and zone out and cant MAKE myself talk about myself. whatever.

Re: psychologists
Posted by eleanor on Thu Mar 14 13:10:44 2002 (#15163)

I know what you mean. I can ramble on about my family and friends for hours, but I hate it when they ask about me. I don't know why. I guess I just feel self concious, like someone's looking inside of me and it's weird. This probably isn't the same for you, but another thing is that I hate the way I look soooo much, and when I start talking about myself to other people face to face I find that they like stare at me really hard, like they're studying me or something and I hate that. it makes me really paranoid. anyway, I'll stop babbling now! take care. lots of love, el x

Re: psychologists
Posted by fallen star on Thu Mar 14 14:20:19 2002 (#15164)

WOW you sound so much like me!! Ive seen 6 psychiatrists (was all in one year aswell) and one psychologist who i still see. I find it so hard to talk to them about anything, i can answer most questions they ask me but never come out and say something. I zone out really bad to, i think its called dissociating, all i know is there head go kinda weird like im further back and they get smaller. The psychologist i still see is really good about it though, he doesnt push me to hard to talk (ive had sessions where i just couldnt say anything, like i was mute) and is very patient with me but its gets easier with time. You need to find a psychologist who you dont hate instantly and who will be patient and not push you to hard to talk. Im sorry the others didnt work out, dont give up.

Hugs and love Heather

Re: psychologists
Posted by Crimson Fire on Thu Mar 14 17:20:11 2002 (#15172)

yeah i know what you mean with the dissociating. i do that like constantly. im either dissociating, or im listening but like you said its like im mute. if hes talking about something my parents said about me i listen cause im curious but i CANT speak, but if hes trying to talk to me about cutting or something i dissociate cause its like i dont want to hear it or something.

hate
Posted by scared aka donna on Thu Mar 14 14:44:51 2002 (#15165)

hey everyone.......so i guess im a bit stresed out 2day. i had a relatively good day at skool and was socialising and evrytin and im even going out to the pub wiv evry1 2nite to get drunk which is better than gettin drunk on yur own! but i dunno tho......i came home and mum was home from work and i was all hot and sweaty coz id walked home and it was boiling (for a change!!) soooo i took my jacket off when i got in without even thinkin bout my arm. it didnt even cross my mind itll mum grabbed my arm to see how the healing was going. then i realised.....oooops id completely forgotten about my arm. thats put me in a bad mood now coz i feel as though i hate myself now for forgetting..... u no almost like i should always remember and always be down and depressed type of thing. i dunno it was strange......i got really annoyed wiht myself for not remembering that loadsa shits hapening in my life at the moment and under no circumstances am i suposed to be happy!!!! it made me so mad

BUT the good thing is my arm is actually healing and i havent cut for 2weeks. but then i feel ashamed coz i ant cut...i wanna cut but i ant......strange very strange indeed.

just succesfully confused myself more now and probably evry1 that reads this..ah well....

Re: hate
Posted by fallen star on Thu Mar 14 15:13:44 2002 (#15166)

Even though i dont know you that well yet Im still proud of you for the 2weeks of not cutting and i do understand. Its great that you went to the pub and felt good, everyone deserves some times out from there problems and i know what you mean about feeling bad about it. ive forgotten to put my watch back on that covers my really bad scar and not know how i could have forgotten, i think its easy to forget things like that when your minds preoccupied. Anyway just wanted to let you know that it did make sense and i do understand, also try not to feel bad you are allowed to be happy.

hugs and love Heather

just sum emotional bulshit to let my feelings out
Posted by scared aka donna on Thu Mar 14 16:05:33 2002 (#15167)

u stare right through me, as though i do not exist, like a monster you use your wit and try to make me feel pain noted only when i am pissed. you are a coward, a bully, a shame, you are everything i hate about the world, i dont even like your name. you make me feel angry you make me feel pain, you make me forget what physical pain feels like, you havedrained me of emotional pain. i hate you with all my spirit, i hate you so much i dont think i can do it. i dont think i can bear to watch you get away with the crimes comited, i dont think i can watch you win. the only way i can win is to keep quiet, the only way i can win is to forget not remember. i hate you so much i hate you more than youll ever know because you are ignorant and it is not within your nature to realise how much harm you cause to others. i hate you and you know you are going to get away with it, i hate you because you know you will have full suport from friends and family. i hate you because you have made me hate me. i hate you i hate you and most importantly i hate me.

Thanx
Posted by She on Thu Mar 14 16:39:22 2002 (#15171)

Hiya I've been really tempted go bye some heroin today through school But I just got on line now and read alode of the messages from you all you about it . Thank you so mach for being so supportive .You have given my alot of dertermination. Thank you all so much . Loads of love She Thanx thanx thanx thanx thanx thanx thanx

Re: Thanx
Posted by eleanor on Thu Mar 14 18:56:14 2002 (#15173)

I'm glad you're determined! Keep going, we all know you can do it! lots of love, el x

Re: Thanx
Posted by fallen star on Fri Mar 15 02:41:08 2002 (#15197)

Just remember to be proud of yourself, you are doing great and showing alot of stength :)

hugs and love Heather

Therapists
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Mar 14 20:31:25 2002 (#15176)

Just talked to my new therapist on the phone, she is really patronising but we'll see how things go… I was just wandering if it was compulsory for all therapists to talk to their clients like they are stupid freaks, or is it just my bad luck? She seems quite nice but some how I don't expect much. Broken Girl

Re: Therapists
Posted by eleanor on Thu Mar 14 20:45:38 2002 (#15178)

I think it must be compulsory! :)No matter how nice they seem, they always end up patronising you. My therapist told me to go swimming and stop being so stupid. apparently swimming will ease my stress and help me lose weight, it's so nice when even my psych tells me I'm fat! anyways, I know all that. she seemed to have forgotten the fact that the reason I see her in the first place is coz I cut my arms to bits - scars and a swimming cossie don't really mix well. Oh well............. ;-)

Re: Therapists
Posted by She on Thu Mar 14 22:57:10 2002 (#15181)

Yep I think they get paid more depending on how perthetic and young they can make you feel, They get a bonus if they can get u to go 2 Care or mental institute and they get a premotion if they drive you to insanity or suicide . They also have to tell you at least 2 times when the6y see you about there medicall qualifications.

lol Lots of love She

Re: Therapists
Posted by She on Thu Mar 14 22:57:16 2002 (#15182)

Yep I think they get paid more depending on how perthetic and young they can make you feel, They get a bonus if they can get u to go 2 Care or mental institute and they get a premotion if they drive you to insanity or suicide . They also have to tell you at least 2 times when they see you about there medicall qualifications.

lol Lots of love She

Re: Therapists
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Mar 15 02:16:08 2002 (#15195)

Tara went through several therapist before we found one who would actualy listen to her. Keep looking, if they talk to you like that, they don't deserve to help people. How could it help you if they talk "down" to you? Find others. They are out there somewhere. Good luck. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: Therapists
Posted by fallen star on Fri Mar 15 02:48:23 2002 (#15198)

The same thing hsppened with me, because i dont like talking about 'stuff' or talking to psychs in general really alot didnt know how to handle me. The psych i go to now is very patient and is never patronising to me. Oh and we did ink blot once, it was very funny. Dont give up, just think of the first session like your interviewing her and you dont have to go back if you hate her. Good luck

hugs and love Heather

Re: Therapists
Posted by scared aka donna on Fri Mar 15 11:01:52 2002 (#15220)

ive just had my first appointment with mine. she seems pretty nice but did seem patronizing as well. youve just gotta give them a chance and see how it goes, maybe once they get to know you they behave differently i dunno?? well if not you always know you can change therapists cant you?

take care of yourself xxx

Re: Therapists
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Mar 16 19:48:32 2002 (#15292)

Hurrah, I am not the only one with stupid therapists! I am also in agreement on the theory of the shitter they make you feel the more they get paid. But I have to admit I am looking forward to getting a lot of things that are buzzing around in my head out the way, so even if she does leave long rambling messages on my voice mail I should give her a chance! Lets hope she doesn't try to patronise me and talk to me in that soft sympathetic voice most people reserve for dying animals… Love from Broken Girl

Re: Therapists
Posted by elf on Mon Mar 18 05:41:29 2002 (#15350)

yeeup, my therapist was a dip-shit too. he juggled jolley ranchers and talked to me like i was 3 yrs old.

Re: Therapists
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Mar 18 21:01:15 2002 (#15407)

Hello Do understanding and useful therapists actually exist? Is there any hope for the therapist kind, from my cancellers frequent phone calls what I can tell so far is she's nice but too patronising and set in her ways to help me, So it would be pretty cool to hear if there are any decent ones. Or maybe they are all useless!

self-help
Posted by abby marie on Thu Mar 14 20:52:44 2002 (#15179)

Does anyone out there have available pictures of their scars or cuts tht I can use for a project I am doing. If you would like to know more about it, e-mail me and I will tell you.

the demon (MIGHT BE TRIGGERING)
Posted by mego on Thu Mar 14 23:56:50 2002 (#15184)

hey everyone, sorry i'm not going to really respond to any posts right now. i know i hate when other people only post and complain and dont respond to anything. its just one of those days

last night i got in a million stupid little fights with my mom, she was drunk again. i dont even remember what they were all about, today were getting along but i'm still not feeling to great. i cut my arm up again, i know that if i went to the hospital at least one or two of them would get stitches. i'm keeping a notebook again. its stupid and will probably get me into more trouble, but right now its helping me and all i really care about is right now and what i'm going to do. after i cut i let some of the blood drip onto the pages. the whole notebook is for writing about my cutting, because it helps calm me down. i was feeling a little crazy, and what i thought last night was only a little blood turned out to be a lot. its all dried in clumps everywhere, kinda nasty but whatever... its me, you know? heres something i wrote, i dont know if its any good, i just dont think i ever posted anything that i wrote in a notebook

I feel the demon in the room//I know that its lurking near by//Its breath is hot on my face//My ears ring with its piercing cries//Heart pounding and cold sweat on my face//Hands that shake but not with fear//The time has come for me to let go//This demon is drawing near//A muffled cry escapes my lips//Razor sharp slashes that hold no pain//All the tension has left my body//And the demon is now tame//Its holding me close in its arms//Its shaddow is my blanket//It whispers a lullabye in my ear//and all I can do is thank it

Re: the demon (MIGHT BE TRIGGERING)
Posted by zandra on Fri Mar 15 01:58:20 2002 (#15192)

hey this is a deep peom. i'm sorry about yur mom and yur arm but the poem is very good. well take care. <3 always. zandra

Re: the demon (MIGHT BE TRIGGERING)
Posted by wallflower on Fri Mar 15 03:05:33 2002 (#15200)

Great poem! Hey I have often felt like I should put my blood on a page when I write. Sometimes even when I'm writing a letter to someone. I feel like I need proof. I feel like what I'm doing isn't real. It's crazy because whenever it starts to seem real I get all sick to my stomach and everything. I want a picture or a video of myself or something. I guess that's kind of sick, but maybe if I saw it from a different perspective I could actually believe what's going on. A lot of times I write poems refering to myself as "you" because it just doesn't feel like this could ever be happening to me. Oh jeez, sorry, I didn't mean to ramble on. Bye.

Re: the demon (MIGHT BE TRIGGERING)
Posted by Crimson Fire on Fri Mar 15 04:01:17 2002 (#15205)

i love it mego, i really do.

wallflower
Posted by mego on Fri Mar 15 04:29:50 2002 (#15206)

yeah, i know what youre talking about. i dont know why i did it, though. i need to be able to see my cuts, to look at them and feel them and make them bleed more, almost to prove it to myself.

Re: wallflower
Posted by Crimson Fire on Fri Mar 15 09:18:44 2002 (#15217)

i know what you two mean. especially with the video thing, wallflower. sometimes i wish i could videotape myself or this is really sick) catch all the blood in a jar and look at it the next day. just cause i seriously dont believe that im doing it especially after they heal. and sometimes when i really think about it and i start to think about what im actually doing i start to feel sick to my stomach too cause im like "omg this doesnt happen to people, this isnt life" but it is. i go in cycles with my cutting too. ill go for like 2 months of reallly really bad cutting and then like a month or so of really light cutting and when im in one of my "light" stages i CANT make myself cut deep and ill look at my deep purple jagged scars that probably needed stitches and ill be like GROSS, I did that?!!? no way! then a few weeks later there i go spiraling down again....

Re: the demon (MIGHT BE TRIGGERING)
Posted by scared aka donna on Fri Mar 15 10:58:06 2002 (#15219)

that was really gud mego xxx you are very talented and hope you are feeling ok xxx dumb thing to say but well.......it has to be said to show im thinking of you hun take care xxx

Re: the demon (MIGHT BE TRIGGERING)
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 15 14:18:24 2002 (#15228)

that was really good as always. I know you don't write for praise, you write how you feel, and that's why so many of us can relate to it. I also know what you all mean about the paper and the videotapes. I always thought I was just weird. take care sweetie. x

Re: the demon (MIGHT BE TRIGGERING)
Posted by She on Fri Mar 15 18:20:48 2002 (#15230)

That was really nice . Thanx for sharing it loads of love she hope ur doing ok

I duno what to do, can some1 plz plz plz help ?!?!
Posted by DiStUrBdFrEaK on Fri Mar 15 00:12:41 2002 (#15186)

Hi, i no fine well im prolly guna blabber on here but here it goes... Im 15 and only been cutting for sumthing like 3 weeks or so however it feels like years, it really does! So anyways, my frend was telling me how she thort she maybe needed help cuz she was sum times beating herself up but it left no bruising or anything. Then i was nearly crying and she cud tel something was rong and she got it outa me that i cut, she wanted to see my arms so i showed her (they wurnt that bad then) but now it looks like iv been doing it for years, i have loads and loadsv cuts allova them. I started using my nail scissors cuz they wur the only things sharp in my room, then i went on to glass, then knives but iv just found today that if u get a real cheapy pencil sharpner u can bite the plastic from around the blade and use that! Its the best thing iv found yet but i duno how to keep it clean? I washed it in hot water then stupidly enough put some antiseptic cream on it, cuz i thort itd work, then i came home at lunch time to find it all rusty...ahhhh! So 2nite i got a shaving razor and broke the plastic away and used the blade, but how do i keep THAT clean? I dont have any fancy steralising solutions or anything and i dont want my parents finding out. Plz help! Also, hehe i no im blabbering! But i duno wot to do! My frend took me to my form teacher at skool and now she knows about my cutting, she made me an appointment with the skool nurse, i saw her then she sed by monday i have to tell a family member or see my GP (doctor). I was thinking about telling my mam, but u all seem totally regretting telling ur parents! But im under 16 so if i went to my doctor he'd HAVE to tel my parents, BUT if i dont go to my Docs, the nurse will prolly tell them?!?!?! I duno wot to do. And the thing is, i dont really want to stop my cutting. BUT i want to want to stop. Dus that make sense to u? I know it cant look nice to any1 and its soo fucking hard hiding them (i also cut my tighs) but i actually like my cuts/blood/scars. They remind me of the relief of tension of wen i cut. Does that sound sick or sumic? Oh well its me, im not lying about who i am. So anyways, lol, sorry for blabbering, i duno wot to do. Cuz if i tell my parents im scared they'll cheak my arms all the time and ask me loadsv questions or ignore me. I feel hated by them enough as it is. OOOHHHHH GOD! I was i hadnt told any1 at all, its so much beta that way! I dont wanna stop, im so scared of wot i'll do if i cant cut. Suicide? I duno, maybe. Sinse iv been cutting i aint felt the need to commit suicide! So...how do i keep my razor/blades clean and wot shud i do bout the doc/skool nurse/parents thing???Plz help me, im so confused!!! Love & Huggs xxx

Re: I duno what to do, can some1 plz plz plz help
Posted by scaredinthedark on Fri Mar 15 00:28:51 2002 (#15188)

oh hunny calm down. that sux so bad. i'm sorry. my parents found out too and i regretted telling them but now in a way i don't. i like that they want to help. maybe yours will too. if i didn't stop i was going to end up killing myself. well i probably am now but that's not the point. i think you should tell them. if you think they will be willing to help you then you should tell them. as for the razors, idk. i used those too. i put them in a special case. but i didn't do anything to them. i just left them alone until it was time to cut. my school psych told my guidance counselor who told the principal. the nurse at my school doesn't know. i wish no one knew but i'm glad they do. and just like you i want to cut but i don't. i think you should tell your parents. it might surprise you. i got yelled at at first but i didn't tell them they found out. it's better to tell them than find out from someone else i think. they might check your arms everyday yes but maybe they won't. my parents don't but i think it differs from person to person. well take care of yourself. lots and lots of love. scaredinthedark ps if you ever need to talk im me sassycggurl and you can im me too sassycggurl@aol.com. i'll just need to add your email addy to my list first but if you want me to tell me and i'll write back to you when i do. ok. bye.

Re: I duno what to do, can some1 plz plz plz help
Posted by mego on Fri Mar 15 01:39:29 2002 (#15190)

hey, i know exactly what you mean. i'm 15 too, i've been cutting for about a year and a half, two years maybe. my mom knows, but she doesnt ask about it, we dont talk about it. thats it, her and the people who post here. i'm not trying to criticize or say you dont need to, but you've only been cutting for three weeks. you should really try to stop now, it only gets worse as time goes on. trust me. when i first started, i kept thinking of how great it was and how good it felt. i thouht i needed it then, and it helped then, but i had no idea how bad it could her. now i have to cut more often and deeper than before, theyre getting harder to hide. it doesnt even feel the same as it used to, now i do it on impulse, i need it to sleep, i need it if i have a headache, for everything i do, i need to cut. if you stop now, things will be so much easier. keep talking to people about it, i guess its supposed to help, and keep posting here. all of us would be glad to help out with anything you need. you can send me some mail, or talk to me through AIM (megox182x) or through msn or hotmail, mego11686@msn.com. good luck,

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: I duno what to do, can some1 plz plz plz help
Posted by scared aka donna on Fri Mar 15 11:15:56 2002 (#15221)

hey there! well theres a lotta questions need answering in yur post so if i miss anything out then sorry!!

erm so yeah ok you really do sound like me which freaked me out a lil but hearing what youve just said has cofirmed that i really am not alone. i told teacher at skool too who forced me into telling ma n pa. erm i fink on this one your best bet wud be 2 tell yor mum before they do. and im sorry if thats not what you wanna hear but yor gunna av 2 face facts because if you dont say anything they will. the only other alternative i can think of for that situation is maybe to wait till your 16?? is that far away yet?? if not then maybe you cud compromise with the school nurse and say that youll go see her evry week or sommmet then wen your 16 you can go to your GP and get help that way?? i dunno if tat wud work. i told my mum and it was real hard at first and i did regret telling them. they ceck my arms every night and as a result i havent cut for two weeks apart from a few scratches on my leg. i resented them checking my arms and still do but i understand that they are concerned for me and dont really understand and dont expect them to. what im trying to say is that 3 weeks later and 1 session with shirnk later i feel that ll in all i dont regret tellin my mum and dad.

you sed bout liking the cuts and scrathes you make.....yeah well thats fine i understand that coz i like them too even more so than the actual sight of blood its the fact that a mark has been made.

the fact tat you sed you want to want to stop is exactly wot i sed to evry1 and is still how i feel so if you want to want to stop then go get help. and uve only been cutting for 3 weeks too which is gud help wise if you no what i mean??!!

im afraid i cant help you iwth the keeping "instruments" (so to speak) clean! i cud do with answers to that question to?!! but im sure some1 on here will no the answer to that one for you and help you best they can!

erm i fink ive covered evrything and remember if you ever need to chat bout anything im always here.....my screen name for aol is SMIRFS ok?? you remind me a lot of me and ive bin through your dilema. take care of yourself xxx

Re: I duno what to do, can some1 plz plz plz help
Posted by She on Fri Mar 15 18:36:59 2002 (#15231)

Hiya Im sorry u'r having a bad time at the moment. Umm ok Yeah i know what you mean about u'r arms being covered with scars .I also have alot of scars serringe marks in my arms .However i use sharpener vlades sometimes they can be v sharp but the scars seam to go quicker the most blades (strange huh)I dont know if n e one else finds this but they leave alot of bruses. It is important u cleand ne thing you gonna stick into your self( cause of A.I.D.S and shit) I leave my blades in vodka cause it claens really well & if you feel v bad then u can calm yourself befor cutting .I pour a little on the cuts awret to clean the ( that stings like shit ) And finally I used to go to the doctors befor i turned 16 and it was confidential. however they did tell my brother Who pritty much is my guardian.To make sure about that ask him if its confidentiall befor you talk to him. hope thats n e help lots of she **

Re: I duno what to do, can some1 plz plz plz help
Posted by DiStUrBdFrEaK on Fri Mar 15 20:06:46 2002 (#15238)

Hey all of u who replies, thanx SSSOOO much, im so glad i found this board, its so full of luvly people!!!I'll wait to tell my mam wen she aint in such a BAD mood. We just had a row cuz i had more than 2 people in the house at once last week wen they (parents)went out, then she had a go at me saying "You think ur so hard done by", so if i tell her now she'll think im just being stupid. God i wish parents understood! Cyas all soon and thanx alot for ALL ur posts, love and respect xxx

Re: I duno what to do, can some1 plz plz plz help
Posted by scaredinthedark on Fri Mar 15 23:31:44 2002 (#15252)

your welcome. if you need anyone to talk to im me sassycggurl or email me sassycggurl@aol.com. ok well good luck. lots of love. scaredinthedark

maybe i should get some help
Posted by i'd rather not say on Fri Mar 15 01:36:53 2002 (#15189)

alright. here's my problem. i've been cutting since last june. well for this june, i've been having thoughts of committing suicide. i've had dreams of it and thinking about it everyday all day for a very long time. like since january. i don't know what to do. does anyone think they know why i'm doing this? can anyone help me? my parents found out i cut and they took everything away. i have no methods to cut with and i'm so jumpy and paranoid. i flip on anyone i can if they even give me the remote sign of attitude. what should i do?? i'm probably just talking away. sorry. well, loads of love. thanks.

Re: maybe i should get some help
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Mar 15 02:21:55 2002 (#15196)

Do you really want help? If so, find it.Personally, I think you should since you're having thoughts of suicide. I'm sorry if I upset you saying that, but after hearing Tara say she was going to kill herself and she would make sure I would be the one to find her, that kind of talk just really freaks me out. It terrifies me that it could happen. Please,find some help somewhere. If you're parents won't help, there are others you could probably turn too. Don't wait. Sorry, it's just that maternal feeling in me. If you ever want to talk, please email me. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: maybe i should get some help
Posted by wallflower on Fri Mar 15 03:20:39 2002 (#15201)

I think you might want to see a therapist. Not to say you're crazy, I mean, I do the same sorts of things. If you're worried about asking your parents to get you a therapist don't be. You can tell your parents that you've just been having some trouble dealing with stresses at school or something. I'm sure you could come up with your own excuse. Also don't worry too much about the cost. I don't know if you were, but that's one thing that made me feel like it would just be a burden to ask to see a therapist. I'm pretty sure that in most cases therapy is at least partly covered by whatever health insurance you have. I'm sure you're parents wouldn't mind paying either as long as they feel like you're getting help. Therapists are really nice and understanding, at least from my experience. If you're worried about telling about cutting or suicidal thoughts to your therapist you don't need to. They can actually be a big help even if you only tell them about other stuff, like stress at school, at home, etc. Anyway, I hope everything works out for you. Tell us how it goes.

Re: maybe i should get some help
Posted by mego on Fri Mar 15 04:32:17 2002 (#15207)

yeah, it sounds like things are getting pretty bad. maybe you should get help. its awesome that you know that its a problem, and that youre asking about it before it gets out of hand. good luck. lots of love.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: maybe i should get some help
Posted by scared aka donna on Fri Mar 15 11:22:20 2002 (#15222)

hi its a shame bout your mum and dad it seems as though they dont fully understand but then no outsiders fully understand so that dint really make much sense?!?!? anyways erm so yeah i feel like commiting suicide everyday and its a horrible feeling isnt it? i think that maybe you should talk these feelings through with somenoe like a psychiatrist for example?? i dont no if you see one alredy but that may help you. all i can say here without trying to be patronising or a hypocrit plz plz dont end your life.....oyu are too precious for that, you are capable of getting through anything in your life so try not to give up just yet take care xxx

Re: maybe i should get some help
Posted by She on Fri Mar 15 18:47:57 2002 (#15232)

Hiya Yeah go for it girl if you think that it might help you at all do it . It cant make things n e worst could it ?

I attemted suiside once and i still can really bad trips about it and then like a picture of me looking all happy but im not going to go yet its not time for me and i wouldnt like to let them think they beat me.

lots of love She If u want to talk let me know Im never far

Re: maybe i should get some help
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 15 22:48:35 2002 (#15240)

yeah, I think maybe you should get help sweetie. I know what it's like to want to kill yourself and I don't think I'd have got this far without support. take care honey and let us know what you decide. x x

thanx everyone
Posted by i'd rather not say on Fri Mar 15 23:16:26 2002 (#15247)

hey guys/girls. thanks for all the help. i'll ask my parents i think. they know i'm havin a hard time so maybe they'll try and help that much. thanks again. loads of love. thanks

hey
Posted by scaredinthedark on Fri Mar 15 01:50:05 2002 (#15191)

hey is anyone in here? i'm so bored. i just need sumone to talk to. i can't cut there is nuthin to cut with. my house is clean out of sharp things that make the blood get free. lol. oh well.

Re: hey
Posted by wallflower on Fri Mar 15 03:55:23 2002 (#15204)

Hey, I'm here. You can IM me if you want, I'm TigerGddss.

Re: hey
Posted by scaredinthedark on Fri Mar 15 23:19:06 2002 (#15248)

thanx

Feeling like shit...again...
Posted by Alana on Fri Mar 15 04:53:41 2002 (#15208)

It's been awhile since I've contemplated picking up that razor and slicing up my wrist. Oh what to do. I promised myself I wouldn't cut anymore, cuz prom is coming up and I'm wearing a dress with no sleeves. it's bad enough I'm going to have to face the stares from the deep purple scars that cover my arms. Hmm, I guess I few more wouldn't make a difference. They'll heal by May right? I just need to slice my wrist. The urge is tooooo much to bare. Somebody please help me stop this hate inside of me..this hate for myself. I'm nobody, I have nobody, nobody wants me. I just need to release these feelings inside of me, these feelings of rejection. Cutting is always there for me, it will never REJECT me. Never...I feel like shit for rejecting cutting. I want it back. I want to bleed.

Fuck, this is stupid. I hate myself.

Love, Alana

Re: Feeling like shit...again...
Posted by Crimson Fire on Fri Mar 15 05:36:21 2002 (#15210)

chica i know how you feel, i really felt the part where you said cutting will never reject you and you feel bad for rejecting it. why does that make perfect sense???? all i can say is you have everyone here on the board and i know that probably doesnt help...but what else can i say..

Re: Feeling like shit...again...
Posted by mego on Fri Mar 15 05:38:51 2002 (#15211)

we're here for you, and i love you. careful, dont cut too deep, especially on your wrists. try not to cut at all, think about prom... i'm here for you if you ever need to talk.

Re: Feeling like shit...again...
Posted by She on Fri Mar 15 18:55:29 2002 (#15233)

HIya sweety Yeah i know what its like .Im addivted to like every thing .Well done for giving it up try to keep it up caus if u do it once more it sooooo easy to think whats the point . Lots of love She Dont give up giving up yet good luck

Re: Feeling like shit...again...
Posted by She on Fri Mar 15 18:55:51 2002 (#15234)

HIya sweety Yeah i know what its like .Im addicted to like every thing .Well done for giving it up try to keep it up caus if u do it once more it sooooo easy to think whats the point . Lots of love She Dont give up giving up yet good luck

Re: Feeling like shit...again...
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 15 22:52:08 2002 (#15241)

hey. dont't give up now. I've also got my prom coming up so I know how you feel. sometimes i'm so desperate to cut my arms it almost kills me. keep going honey. el x

Need to ramble.
Posted by ~R~ on Fri Mar 15 06:19:11 2002 (#15212)

Feeling so very low and I just need a place to vent. Never posted here before, but I guess it doesn't matter. I hate my step-dad so much. He never stops telling he how much of a worthless fuck-up i am. My mom loves hearing him say it. Stupid slut just laughs and urges him to keep at it. Break me over again and again. I just want to shove my arms and in their faces and point out each scar. Tell them exactly what they did to me when I made each one. God, I just want him to go away. I want her to go away. If it wasn't for my little brother, I wouldn't be here. I have to keep the kid safe though. I want him to at least enjoy what he can of life.

Re: Need to ramble.
Posted by scared aka donna on Fri Mar 15 11:25:52 2002 (#15223)

i can relate o that although its not with my folks that i get the hasle its their friend...anyway thats beside the point i can relate to you because im only here for my little sister to keep her safe too. its such a hard responsibility put on us isnt it? but thats life! i hope you are ok and if you ever need to talk just email me ok? take care xxx

Re: Need to ramble.
Posted by mego on Fri Mar 15 14:00:08 2002 (#15227)

your family sounds like mine, only i dont know why i stay here. my little brother doesnt give a shit about me, and they dont treat him like they treat me anyway. i know exactly how you feel, with your step dad always telling you that youre worthless and your mom laughing and liking it. my mom and dad are the same. its cool that youre coming here, if you have any problems or just want to vent, well help you out.

panic
Posted by Dawn on Fri Mar 15 06:33:13 2002 (#15214)

So now that I know what panic attacks feel like I know when I'm having one and how to treat them. I think I ran to my scissors before and now I run for my medication. And even further back it would saved my children a lot of heart ache and sore bodies where I beat them, hit them, and lashed out at them for not being adults and acting like an adult. When I was an adult not acting like as adult.

But as least now I know and I can draw upon my own knowledge and changing how I respond instead of reacting insanely to a normal child behavior. Now I ask for support in doing things that sit me up to react like a crazed lunatic.

Re: panic
Posted by scared aka donna on Fri Mar 15 11:28:57 2002 (#15224)

thats really great.........im glad you are getting help and you sound like a fighter!! keep fighting for your childrens sake.

take care of yourself and im really proud of what you are doing (without trying to sound patronising so plz dont take ofence) xxx

Re: panic
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 15 23:05:52 2002 (#15243)

keep fighting. you are such a strong person. thank you again for your e mail. all my love, eleanor. x x

Re: panic
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Mar 16 02:12:01 2002 (#15266)

My friend, my friend, you are such a strong person. I'll be emailing you later on this weekend with some answers to your questions you asked me. Take care of yourself hon, you know how I feel about you. Love ya always, Rhonda

im just glad im not deaf
Posted by tearzof. . .of. . .ummm. . . . .right. . . blood. on Fri Mar 15 06:41:58 2002 (#15215)

have you ever heard of the 3 little pigs? one was blind, one was small and one was deaf. They would run and play and fondle eachother until They told them to stop, but the deaf one just kept on going because he never heard Them say stop.

i didnt think so. . .maybe thats because i just made the story up, then again, maybe not. .

. . .i am clearly dying alongside you. . .

Re: im just glad im not deaf
Posted by Your Dream on Mon Mar 18 05:20:35 2002 (#15347)

Death is a choice, not a destiny. Nothing is ever as bad as it may seem, believe me. I know, I've felt pain unparalleled. But don't we all say that? Aren't we all in pain? It's rare that we find someone that's not too absorbed in their own pain to try and help you with yours. But sometimes, there is someone... a dream come true for those deserving. And you are.

im sorry. . .
Posted by me on Sat Mar 23 21:27:21 2002 (#15654)

im sorry for all that i dont do. im sorry for all that i do that i shouldnt. thank you. . .i love you. . .

LIAR!
Posted by Crimson Fire on Fri Mar 15 09:05:06 2002 (#15216)

this is so ridiculous but i feel like such a lying little cheat!!i was walking with my friend alan and i stubbed my toe and i thought it might start to bleed so i was like "oh shit alan i think it might bleed...!" and hes like do you ever just watch yourself bleed? its kinda amusing...its really cool watching yourself bleed underwater (dont get me wrong alan is NOT a cutter, he just wants to be a doctor so hes intrigued by like blood clotting and stuff). and i was just like ew! alan youre such a freak! thats disgusting!!! i like FAINT at the sight of blood!! omg what kinda freak are you. and it wasnt like i was thinking about the response i just kinda said it and then i was like whoa, im a hippocryte omg....whatever. i just feel like such a liar right now.

Re: LIAR!
Posted by scared aka donna on Fri Mar 15 10:48:03 2002 (#15218)

i no what you mean ive been hypocrit many a time but the reason you were on his case so much is because you were just being efensive maybe. you know coz you didnt want him to realise you too like the sight of blood. maybe you reacted that way too because you may have been anry that he likes the sight of blood for completely diffrent reasons to you and paranoia may have got the better of you?? sorry i sound like im psychoanalysin you hear but im not im talking from my experiences. being defensive of who you are and what you do does not make you a liar. the 2 things are copletely different take care love donna xxx

Re: LIAR!
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 15 23:10:01 2002 (#15244)

hey sweetie. I do that all the time, say things about how gross blood is and things. like i'll be watching a film and someone will cut themselves and I;ll flinch and things, but afterwards i'll look back and think yeah but you do that to yourself all the time. I dunno, I suppose it's just human reaction or something. x

right then.....now.....
Posted by scared aka donna on Fri Mar 15 11:33:46 2002 (#15225)

hey guys....erm ive repsonded to as many posts as i posibly can in the time ive got today. sorry if ive missed anyone out!!

i wont be around for a while i wont be able to come to my computer screen as easily as before and for quite a while now i wont be around. but i wanted to let you no that im thinking of you all and i hope that you are all doing ok and i hope that you are all still here when i find the chance to come back. i may be back next week but then again it could be months i just dunno??

so what im saying is that i havent topped myself or anything and that i really really will miss you guys and ill b thinking of all of you while im away. please keep fighting all of you and please please all of you still be here when i get back ready to fill me in with the latest developments in yur lifes!!! good luck with evrything love donna xxxxxx

Re: right then.....now.....
Posted by She on Fri Mar 15 19:18:26 2002 (#15235)

HIya

I'll miss you . Thanx loads for your help . Hope everything is ok.Be brave. Wow i had so much stuff i wanted to tell you but ive forgetten . Any way try to see us sometimes. Let me know if you ever want to talk. Good luck Love you lots She **

Re: right then.....now.....
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 15 23:12:17 2002 (#15245)

I'll miss you so much sweetie. make sure you come back as soon as you can. love ya always and forever. el x x x

some very weird shit
Posted by **!!??** on Fri Mar 15 14:58:00 2002 (#15229)

hey erm so this is a little weird and evrythin but its what came out on to the page so here goes.....

she laid in the exact same spot, too frightened to breathe, too trapped to even contemplate moving a muscle. the air was so fresh high up above her but she had no way of reaching the oxygen. the oxygen was practically calling out her name but she dare not move to answer its cries. she panicked as the light was beginning to turn into darkness, as the air surrounding her was decreasing by every aching second. flashbacks, visions, nightmares began to overtake her mind. her thoughts percieved were worsening, she had nowhere to turn, noone to turn too, no knife to reach out and grab. sparkling stars and wonderfull eyepiercing light was all she could see.

DARKNESS

she let out a scream! gasping for breath, he had come for her, he was going to take her away and keep her captive and she would never see reality again. she cried out once more only to be held down by his strength. "everything is going to be alright" she heard him cry. tears were welling up in her eyes as she realised the truth behind the man holding her down. the pain was unbearable, her stomach ached tremendously as the pump got to work. this man was not taking her captive she thought aloud, this man had just saved her life. she looked up and all she could see were the men looking down on her assuring her of her safety. she realised how silly the thoughts were of this man taking her captive and never letting her go........

after a moment of concentration and thought she muttered to herself "i was right"

Re: some very weird shit
Posted by She on Fri Mar 15 19:22:18 2002 (#15236)

wow that was really good .

Re: some very weird shit
Posted by ~~~~~~ on Fri Mar 15 23:46:06 2002 (#15257)

wow!!! i'm speechless. oh wait..... i have sumthin to say. hehe lol. that was really really good. great job. take care.

Re: some very weird shit
Posted by mego on Sat Mar 16 01:18:27 2002 (#15258)

thats cool bro

reality unvailed (its kinda crap)
Posted by She on Fri Mar 15 19:35:31 2002 (#15237)

The broken whore sat in the coner with the rusting razor lying next to her to fit the scars on her wrists Her bleading eyes looked up to the stars & With her last few breathes she saw her god who didn't acknolage her ,he didnt even know her name for to him she was only an experement.

The next day in the busy city and there must have been aroud 2 ,00,00 people who walked past the decaying body lying in a pool of her own blood and vomit.They didnt notice her and the ones who did were just incovenienced by her.

She

ohh well it was an attempt

Re: reality unvailed (its kinda crap)
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 15 23:16:23 2002 (#15246)

WOW. sweetie that was amazing. it's so true as well. people are so shit. they walk around in their own little world and don't give a fuck about all the shit that's going on around them. ( sorry, i've got people issues at the moment). take care honey. hopefully hear from you soon. love you lots, el x x

Re: reality unvailed (its kinda crap)
Posted by scaredinthedark on Fri Mar 15 23:29:16 2002 (#15250)

that's so true. it's kinda like how i feel. no one notices me. they leave me on the corner to rot and die. idk anyways that was really good. it's not crap don't worry. good job. take care. lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: reality unvailed (its kinda crap)
Posted by mego on Sat Mar 16 01:24:25 2002 (#15259)

i liked it

trying to over come self harming
Posted by Cat on Fri Mar 15 22:36:44 2002 (#15239)

I went to the local hospital today because i had severly cut my arm last night, there was a dr swho saw me and he was so helpful and understanding i was so scared of going because i felt so ashamed and guilty. The dr told me to come on the net and look at peoples stories and how i can start to find ways of coping and its been so helpful because its made me feel im not alone and people are going through and have been through the same emotions as me! Ive self harmed in the past throug anorexia and through other way but its only now im starting to deal withh all the issues i blocke out. everydays a marathon but i am trying to hard.....all my love goes out to all of you xxxx

Re: trying to over come self harming
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 15 23:21:35 2002 (#15249)

keep on trying honey, I'm sure you can do it. I'ts great that you've come this far! I understand what you mean about everyday being a marathon, but I'm slowly learning to take every day as is comes and not to look too far into the future or I'll get swamped by doubt. take care. all my love, el x

Re: trying to over come self harming
Posted by ~~~~~~ on Fri Mar 15 23:42:53 2002 (#15256)

i agree with el. good job and the best of luck.

Re: trying to over come self harming
Posted by mego on Sat Mar 16 01:28:29 2002 (#15260)

thats great! good luck!

Re: trying to over come self harming
Posted by She on Sat Mar 16 13:40:57 2002 (#15274)

Hiya

Good luck sweety. Lots of love She Let us know how you get on with it

giving up
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 15 23:31:42 2002 (#15251)

the world was once a beatiful thing to me. I marvelled at the sunrise and sunsets, the moon and the stars. they all comforted me, like a security blanket. I used to know how to love. I used to look in the mirror and believe that i was an angel. now they've taken my soul and put a demon's in it's place. how can people love me if I don't love myself? It hurts. I hurt so much. I can't cry, can hardly breath. I can only bleed. that's what makes me real. This monster, so hideous, no use to anyone else or herself, doesn't care if she lives or dies. maybe I should? i just want somebody to love me................

Re: giving up
Posted by scaredinthedark on Fri Mar 15 23:37:46 2002 (#15254)

i hear you girl. if you need to talk email me but take care. lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: giving up
Posted by wallflower on Sat Mar 16 01:57:33 2002 (#15262)

I always wonder how anyone can love me too. It just doesn't make sense when I think about how much I hate myself. It makes me so mad when everyone else is so much more forgiving to me than I am to myself. It ends up feeling like everything is just a lie, and nothing matters at all. Then I feel numb, and I cut some more. Oh well. Such is life, I suppose. Right?

Re: giving up
Posted by She on Sat Mar 16 13:46:11 2002 (#15275)

Wow that is soo true. BUt dont give up not now . Love u loads Thatnx for being here u've helped me out loads reacentley if you ever want to talk let me know. She***

Re: giving up
Posted by eleanor on Sat Mar 16 14:15:55 2002 (#15276)

i suppose that is life. but it sucks

She
Posted by eleanor on Sat Mar 16 14:27:26 2002 (#15280)

thanx sweetie. you've helped me a lot too. You know where i am if you need me. love ya loads, el x

sorry
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 15 23:37:11 2002 (#15253)

I'm real sorry about that shit I wrote before. I'm just having such a bad day, feel so low. I apologise for putting you through that crap.

Re: sorry
Posted by scaredinthedark on Fri Mar 15 23:39:59 2002 (#15255)

that's ok. lol. i hope your day gets better tomorrow. take care. lots of love. scaredinthedark

eleanor
Posted by mego on Sat Mar 16 01:32:52 2002 (#15261)

its cool bro... i know how it is. i'll probably be on tonight if you need someone to talk to :)

Re: eleanor
Posted by eleanor on Sat Mar 16 14:18:18 2002 (#15277)

thanks for understanding. x

thinkin it up as i go...
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sat Mar 16 02:04:33 2002 (#15263)

Paradox:

questions dragging through my mind why your eyes dont glitter and shine why your tender calloused fingers dont shake and shake and tingle and i ask again this moment how my love can flow in torrents brushing dust off my emotion lying exposed, and clear, but closed in because your eyes cannot see mine you see a weed choked up in vine, a drop of paint against the backdrop and terrible pain in that pestulant dot. i forgive you though, i understand i see the vines too, like a brand and those drops are merely bloody tears that taint the perfection of your ignorant fears.

Re: thinkin it up as i go...
Posted by scaredinthedark on Sat Mar 16 02:11:17 2002 (#15265)

wow that was really good

Re: thinkin it up as i go...
Posted by mego on Sat Mar 16 02:52:22 2002 (#15270)

thats really good, i like it a lot

the morning after (poem)
Posted by Erryn on Sat Mar 16 02:07:03 2002 (#15264)

Its that feeling again, you wake up and see the blood stains on your arms and clothes. You feel numb, dazed, hung over,stupid, you can hardly get yourself up, just what are you trying to prove? I'd been working all day, wanted to go out and relax, enjoy myself, no one around, went to the store, bought something to drink, sat in my living room listening to my favorite violent and depressing music. Something is welling up inside, it feels like at any moment your going to explode, your eyes become watery, you start to cry, you cant calm down, you look in the mirror, hate, disgust, frustration,anger and regret........almost like a ritual, without thinking what your doing, you pick up th razor blade.....blood dripping down, you rub it in, than you do it again, you do it until your calm, you satified, like when you go out for a drink and have one or two and you just want more, you know its stupid but you cant help yourself. How do you feel now? alive, real, numb,calm, satified. You smear the blood around, its sick, but it makes you feel real, it makes you feel human and good, at the same time you feel the pain, you deserve the pain. You walk around in short sleeves, scars showing, not used to people asking questions or even noticing. You tell some people, some think your sick, your weird, one or two may understand, but theyre still wary, still shocked, some think your suicidal, who is to judge? Cutting is for coping, its unpleasant and dangerous, but it works. It helps me cope with strong emotions that I dont know how to deal with. Dont tell me I'm sick, Dont tell me to stop, Dont try to make me feel guilty, thats how I feel already, Just listen to me, support me, help me, because I am human too!!!

Re: the morning after (poem)
Posted by scaredinthedark on Sat Mar 16 02:15:22 2002 (#15267)

that's deep. very good job

Re: the morning after (poem)
Posted by mego on Sat Mar 16 03:04:32 2002 (#15271)

hell yeah.

Re: the morning after (poem)
Posted by eleanor on Sat Mar 16 14:20:52 2002 (#15278)

x x x x x x x

the day I died (another poem)
Posted by Erryn on Sat Mar 16 02:15:51 2002 (#15268)

I dont remember the words "I love you" or I care about you I cant remember the reasons why my father was so angry But as I aly here and look up I see people did care But why didnt they before this before the day I died You dont understand anything me, my family, my feeling, my life thats why I was so lonely Why did I do this, because No one cares, you say yes we did then why didnt anyone show it instead of letting me do this by myself death has set in and im with my mother a person who understand now all my dreams can come true and you can have memories of me and the day I died

Re: the day I died (another poem)
Posted by scaredinthedark on Sat Mar 16 02:22:13 2002 (#15269)

:`( oh this is sad. but it's thought out well. good job.

Re: the day I died (another poem)
Posted by mego on Sat Mar 16 03:06:40 2002 (#15272)

thats really sad, but its how i feel sometimes too. youre very talented, keep writing

Re: the day I died (another poem)
Posted by eleanor on Sat Mar 16 14:24:05 2002 (#15279)

that's definitly how I feel right now. I can't find the words to say how I feel, seeing that written down. it's like it came out of my head. take care sweetie. all my love, el x

Re: the day I died (another poem)
Posted by She on Sun Mar 17 20:33:40 2002 (#15332)

my good poeple u'r all so good at poetry ive been reading back at them all there so good they all brought tears to my eyes . Keep writting Luv u loads She XxXxXxXxXxX

amazing
Posted by ella on Sat Mar 16 10:43:06 2002 (#15273)

hi,

i just wanted to say that i think EVERYONE in here that writes poetry and stuff is amazing!! every piece is really really good and shows so much true emotion that i cant help but cry. I find that i feel what you feel and if im like that then you have definately succeeded because so often ill read summit and feel nothing or not even get what its about or see the point but everything on this site that people post is incredible!i think that everyone here should think about writing as a career because i would read all of your books and im sure loads of other poeple would...inspiring!!! love ella xxxx

some more weird stuff bit more intense
Posted by **??!!** on Sat Mar 16 15:45:56 2002 (#15281)

the darkness within her bedroom frightened her for she could only think of the one thing that made her develop a sudden urge to cut. what is this thing that is invading her thoughts, this dream that peple can best describe as a flashback. she thinks its a horrible term to use for something so vile, something so teribbly mouthwateringly sick and ugly that it dare not rear its ugly head in public. the darkness turned to light yet again.........

the footsteps became louder as he climbed each step one by one, slowly, making sure that the poor girl in her room could feel his presence getting closer and closer. the upstairs landing light was on explaining the need for caution on his part as one thing this man was not in control of was the shadows that were created by his ghastly body. when he finally reaches the top of the stairs he cleverly checks all of the rooms upstairs double checking that she was the only one upstairs with him. once that had been safely assured he turned to face her room. she could see his eyes. his eyes scared her, they lways have. his glasses made them seem wider which has always frightened the poor girl ever since she first met him. he slowly pushed the door open. it was a very old door and had a tendancy to creak as it is being pushed open. the girl opened her eyes as the door opened wider and the crack of light became bigger. she was convinced this was the monster living under her bed that had forgotten to go back to its hiding place before she came to bed. he was in sight. he stood there with the same expression on his face.....just staring wide eyed. she panicked at first but then realised that this was ok for it was her fiend with the scary eyes. yeah sure he has scary eyes but she trusted him nevertheless. she thought aboutsaying hi as it seemed very strange that he was just standing there with no facial movment. she didnt say anything as he came towards her with the same expresionless face. he sat on the end of her bed and watched her go to sleep stroking her face. she felt very uncomfortable but still trusted his presence and went to sleep.

she then woke pu or rather came out of her trance for want of a better word. she was sweating and her hert beat increased. she realised that she was just aydreaming again.....or was it a flashvack......or a fantasy or a nightmare. this time she was awake when it happened so she cant have been dreaming. confusion confusion confusion.

will this ever end?

Re: some more weird stuff bit more intense
Posted by wallflower on Sat Mar 16 16:11:43 2002 (#15284)

Wow, you're a good writer. Awesome!

Re: some more weird stuff bit more intense
Posted by mego on Sun Mar 17 02:25:19 2002 (#15295)

i hope so

i want to be a writer so much
Posted by **!!??** on Sat Mar 16 15:53:12 2002 (#15282)

i want to be a writer so much it is my ambition in life and is what keeps me going. but i keep thinking to myself the only thing i write about is cutting and all the stuff that goes with it. would any publisher take me seriously? what could write about i dont know? i dont even know if im any good but it helps me a lot and is a big part of who i am will i get anyhee in life is the question i ask myself?? hhmmmmm

Re: i want to be a writer so much
Posted by wallflower on Sat Mar 16 16:07:14 2002 (#15283)

Hey, I'm really interested in writing too. I even wrote a play about a girl who cuts. It ended up being 22 pages long! Maybe if you read up on some of the psychology behind cutting you can sort of get a different side of it and still write about what you know. Also it might make people take it more seriously . . . I don't really know. If you want to talk some more about writing feel free to email me.

Re: i want to be a writer so much
Posted by **!!??** on Sat Mar 16 16:32:51 2002 (#15285)

yeah i study pschology anyway but i dont no if i could write to inform people though? i dunno i guess i find creative writing more interesting but people wouldnt want to read a book as morbid as the stuff ive written on here though would they? i dont know hough i really ant to make a career ou of it so maybe writig to inform isnt such a bad idea?? maybe i could write about my life so far...nah that wudnt work but i could talk bout my experiences with self harm and get everyone elses bits together an merge it into one book. soz im thinking aloud here!! im gunna av a think bout that. ive done articles before on various topics but i dont want to be a journalist though i dont wnt o haev to go and do he media course it bores me. wonder if theirs a writing course at uni or college or sommet. u no wo im gunna be a writer one day ill keep fighting that will be my aim in life. right im off now soz for the rambling!! i do that a lot!! lol!!

Re: i want to be a writer so much
Posted by wallflower on Sat Mar 16 16:44:43 2002 (#15287)

That's great that you have a background for the stuff already . . . I'm sure that makes it easier to analize what's going on. I don't know. You don't need to write informational stuff just to get the information out though. I mean, people seem to be into really depressing novels . . . You could maybe write about a girl who cuts and have her thoughts as well as a narration about what's actually going on and causing stuff. I don't know . . . sounds like a lot of work . . . I wouldn't be able to pull it off. You're good at it though. Heh, just an idea though.

Re: i want to be a writer so much
Posted by eleanor on Sat Mar 16 18:38:53 2002 (#15290)

hey. I wanna be a writer as well. thats the only thing i've ever been good at, since i was tiny. I've already written half of a book about someone who cuts. i've had some poetry published as well. writings the only thing that keeps me going. you can write things down on paper that you could never say to someone face to face, you know? what you wrote was relly good by the way.

Re: i want to be a writer so much
Posted by mego on Sun Mar 17 05:20:09 2002 (#15300)

youre a good writer, all i write about is cutting too.

it's been a while
Posted by wallflower on Sat Mar 16 16:38:22 2002 (#15286)

Hey, I was just realizing I haven't posted anything but responses in a while. Way back I said I would post more poetry later, but I never got around to it. Sorry guys. Anyway, here's some stuff that was in my notebook . . .

UNTITLED: I don't even care anymore It doesn't matter what happens Habitual relaps to my core As my heart beat quickens Shaking hand that holds the blade Plunge in; cut out the pain This is for that failing grade Silence my screaming brain All blind people cannot see Dlosed eyes to what goes on They miss the hate inside of me Can't see the hurt beyond

KICK: Give me a good hard kick In the back When I can't see you I must not rest When misery subsides All time has ended So don't break my fall Instead break my back With the burdens of your expectations A never-ending marathon I'm exhausted from my world of secrets But don't make me end it I love my privacy And I'll never tell Hurt me some more So I can go on It doesn't make sense to you But pain gives me strenght I just need abuse I just need more lies

Sorry everyone . . . I know the first one is just childish and the second one probably makes no sense. I don't even make sense to myself. Oh well. It doesn't matter.

Re: it's been a while
Posted by **!!??** on Sat Mar 16 17:04:19 2002 (#15288)

no need for apologies that was really good. i could relate more to the 2nd.....oyu could feel the passion that lies behind it. you know like writers nowadays they just write bout stuff they dont no bout really....shitty love novels etc. but poetry has a diferent edge to it. that wa really good. sorry as you can tell im v passionate bout writing so i tend to go off on one.

Re: it's been a while
Posted by Erin on Sat Mar 16 17:19:05 2002 (#15289)

I like them

Re: it's been a while
Posted by eleanor on Sat Mar 16 18:40:52 2002 (#15291)

they were great. I especially liked the second one

Re: it's been a while
Posted by mego on Sun Mar 17 05:22:14 2002 (#15302)

i think theyre good

another room to try out
Posted by **!!??** on Sat Mar 16 22:49:28 2002 (#15293)

hey ive just bin looking for another place aswell as this one to let off some steam an i thort id let you know incase you didnt already that there is a good chat room on myfriend-myenemy.com! worth a look xxx

past thoughts
Posted by eleanor on Sun Mar 17 00:40:32 2002 (#15294)

I was looking back over my journals that i've kept in the past two years. There's loads of stuff in there, most of it depressing, none of it hopeful. I've picked out some of the bits that mean the most to me. here goes......

Losing you. If angels could cry//their tears would form a river//as red as blood//as rich as wine//as sweet as honey//I drown in that river as your spirit dies//every time you fall//those tears shower down on me like raindrops//they fill my lungs so I cannot breath//and I die with you.

I wrote this just after my best friend tried to kill herself last summer. she is the only person who's ever understood me, she knows me better than I know myself. when she tried to kill herself I felt like it was me who was dying.

This next bit is an extract from a diary entry I wrote when my mum first started getting ill. god, that was ages ago. I'm surprised I've still got it.

"Watching someone you love suffering from depression is worse than watching them die. When someone dies they are gone forever and you are left with their memory. When someone is depressed you see their heart and soul drain from their body until they are left with nothing but a hollow shell that walks and talks, but has no real emotion. Looking into their eyes which once sparkled with life and which were a clear gateway into their thoughts becomes like trying to read a book which has no plot and no real substance. It has no beginning and no forseeable end. Just emptiness."

I guess that kinda describes me now. It's weird how things turn out.

Re: past thoughts
Posted by She on Sun Mar 17 12:57:13 2002 (#15316)

Hay those poems are so good . Thanx for shaering them. Loads of love She

3some
Posted by can't really say on Sun Mar 17 04:42:35 2002 (#15296)

OKAY, so this is how my predicament goes. One of my best friends whom I've known since kindergarten has asked me to join a threesome with her and her boyfriend next weekend. The thing is, I really want to, but find I'll feel dirty afterwards. I don't want to be ashamed of who I am. I'm still a virgin and don't know if I can give up my virginity to my best friends boyfriend. It just seems weird to me. But I also want to just get rid of my virginity so its not lurking above me head anymore. I hate it. I need it to be over with. I'm all up to a threesome, always has been, I just don't know if it's what I want to remember my first time as. Please somebody help me out on what to do...I'll probably end up going through with it, but I just need some support. I don't want to feel ashamed anymore. I want to be happy.

Re: 3some
Posted by mego on Sun Mar 17 05:43:50 2002 (#15304)

think about it bro. would you be more ashamed of being a virgin or of losing it to someone who loves your best friend and not you? it wont feel good at all, you even said you would feel dirty afterwards. if you really need to lose your virginity that bad, lose it to one of your close guy friends, not like that. its your choice, though, nobody can stop you. just think about how you'll feel afterwards, and then decide if its really worth it. e-mail me if you need to talk some more. good luck.

Re: 3some
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sun Mar 17 08:15:27 2002 (#15311)

i dont think you should do it...i mean think of how its going to change everything!! your rep cause people will no doubt find out, your relationship with your best friend and her boyfriend...and like mego said do you really want to loose it to someone who loves your best friend and not you? not to mention he'll give your friend so much more attention than he'll give you and itll just make things so awkward...

Re: 3some
Posted by She on Sun Mar 17 20:20:53 2002 (#15331)

Hiya ;o)

B carefull sweety .I dont know if i could be the same round a friend if i'd slept with her boyfriend. I dont know if it would be the best idea to loose ur virginity with someone else there . Loads of love She Theres no rush for n e thing

Re: 3some
Posted by can't really say on Mon Mar 18 04:47:07 2002 (#15345)

Well it's set,Friday night. Surprisingly enough I'm not that scared or anything. I'm actually looking forward to it. I know things won't be the same between the three of us, but it's something I've always wanted to do. I don't know how I'll feel afterwards, more than likely like shit, but I can handle it, I think. I truly hate my virginity, I feel it is a curse at times. Than other times I feel like its the most sacred gift I could ever give someone and I want that someone to love me. I don't care right now. I'm numb.

~Can't Really Say~

Thanks for all of the replys, thanks for making me feel loved.

afraid
Posted by mego on Sun Mar 17 05:37:56 2002 (#15303)

last night i found a few pages i didnt burn from an old diary. it was from when i was thirteen, right after i started cutting. yeah, fifteen isnt that old, but i cant believe how much i have changed in the past two years. i was so nieve about everything. i thought i could cut for a while, and just stop. i had no clue how it could take over my life like this. all my friends are different, one of the pages had a picture of me. i act different, i dress different, i look so different. in the picture i'm not smiling, but i look... i dont know. if you see pictures of me now, even when i'm smiling, i look distant or something. i've lost a lot of weight since then, grown a little taller, lost my baby face, but none of that is whats different. i have more friends now, but i'm not sweet like i was. i looked like i was still attached to everything. my poetry was still about cutting, but doesnt have the same meaning as it does now. before it was cutting and other things thrown in here and there, now its all cutting and drinking and drugs, family problems, being hurt and alone and afriad. and its what makes up my life. even now, on a saturday night, i'm sitting on my computer, alone, wondering where i'm going to cut in a couple hours after i go to bed. my family sees me and tells me i've grown into a charming young lady. yeah, real charming. they havent seen me, leaned over a toilet, throwing up everywhere with one of my friends trying to hold back my hair and stand on their own two feet at the same time. they haven't been there when i was so wasted i passed out hanging half way out of billy's car, they don't know half the shit that happens. they dont know how afraid i am that i'm not going to live long enough to make it through high school. they dont know a thing about me, so why do they pretend? sorry thats a lot of shit, and it doesnt have to do with anything.

Re: afraid
Posted by FROST on Sun Mar 17 06:06:35 2002 (#15306)

>> last night i found a few pages i didnt burn from an old diary. it was from when i was thirteen, right after i started cutting. yeah, fifteen isnt that old, but i cant believe how much i have changed in the past two years. > i was so nieve about everything. i thought i could cut for a while, and just stop. i had no clue how it could take over my life like this. all my friends are different, one of the pages had a picture of me. i act different, i dress different, i look so different. in the picture i'm not smiling, but i look... i dont know. if you see pictures of me now, even when i'm smiling, i look distant or something. > i've lost a lot of weight since then, grown a little taller, lost my baby face, but none of that is whats different. i have more friends now, but i'm not sweet like i was. i looked like i was still attached to everything. my poetry was still about cutting, but doesnt have the same meaning as it does now. before it was cutting and other things thrown in here and there, now its all cutting and drinking and drugs, family problems, being hurt and alone and afriad. and its what makes up my life. even now, on a saturday night, i'm sitting on my computer, alone, wondering where i'm going to cut in a couple hours after i go to bed. my family sees me and tells me i've grown into a charming young lady. yeah, real charming. they havent seen me, leaned over a toilet, throwing up everywhere with one of my friends trying to hold back my hair and stand on their own two feet at the same time. they haven't been there when i was so wasted i passed out hanging half way out of billy's car, they don't know half the shit that happens. they dont know how afraid i am that i'm not going to live long enough to make it through high school. they dont know a thing about me, so why do they pretend? <<

I'm sure you've heard this a million times, but maybe you should tell your parents. It can only help. I waited too long to tell my mother. I was anorexic and in the hospital for cutting before she knew anything. It hurts to see your siblings cry in front of you, sitting in a sterile white room, because they don't think you're going to live. It's not something you want to put your family through and certainly not something you want to experience yourself.

If I may, I would suggest you try writing in a journal. I have an online diary and it has been an amazing release for me. If you are interested, I'll help you get set up.

Re: afraid
Posted by the voice of reason on Sun Mar 17 07:36:11 2002 (#15310)

i disagree...having my parents find out only made things worse. our relationship has never been right since. depends on your parents tho.

Re: afraid
Posted by the voice of reason on Sun Mar 17 07:33:11 2002 (#15309)

its wierd how we change and stay the same. sometimes its odd how things i write down seem so new and novel, but i go back to journals from five years ago and my thoughts are the same. i feel like i have changed, but somehow i really havent. sad isnt it?

Re: afraid
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sun Mar 17 08:36:44 2002 (#15313)

sometimes ill look at old photo albums and whenever i see pictures of myself it makes me want to cry cause i feel like *my soul* has been slaughtered and im somebody else now. its really depressing cause i used to like myself so much and now in pictures....when i even have pictures i never go out anymore ill look plenty happy cause im a fucking good actress if i wanna be, but theres something in my eyes....and it kind of scares me but i dont know what it is...sorry for the babble but mego's post just inspired me to think about the pictures thing

Re: afraid
Posted by mego on Sun Mar 17 09:32:51 2002 (#15314)

my mom knows, she bitches about it when she reads something new i wrote. but she doesnt care, doesnt try to stop me, we dont really talk about it

Re: afraid
Posted by eleanor on Sun Mar 17 13:47:12 2002 (#15320)

my family are like that too. they look at me and see this thing that they can mould into what they want. my dads a "public figure", on tv and stuff so the family gets a lot of attention too. to my family and to everyone else i seem perfect. but they don't have a clue. my parents know about my cutting. their reaction was "it's just a phase" and then they thought about it for a while and came up with "think what it'll do to your father's reputation if this gets out". but thats all. like you say, they don't know about the drink and drugs. they don't see me in the state my friends see me in. they don't have a clue. or maybe they do and just ignore it for my "dad's sake". grrrrrrrrrrrrrr! anyway, sorry to go on. take care hun.

TREND CUTTERS AND THE DEFINITION OF CUTTING
Posted by FROST on Sun Mar 17 05:54:11 2002 (#15305)

I just thought I would share a few things with all of you.

First, cutting is a problem and a real issue. Why a person cuts does not make him or her a "fake" or "trend" cutter.

Self Injury (SI) is a coping mechanism, just like smoking cigarettes, alcoholism, drug abuse, overeating, anorexia, bulimia, over-exercising, etc. Self-injury (self-harm, self-mutilation) can be defined as the attempt to deliberately cause harm to one's own body and the injury is usually severe enough to cause tissue damage. This is not a conscious attempt at suicide.

Secondly, there are three types of self injury. The rarest and most extreme form is major self-mutilation. This form usually results in permanent disfigurement, i.e. castration or limb amputation. Another form is stereo typic self-mutilation which usually consists of head banging, eyeball pressing and biting. The third and most common form is superficial self-mutilation which usually involves cutting, burning, hair-pulling, bone breaking, hitting, interference with wound healing and basically any method used to harm oneself.

Third, as fellow cutters, we need to support others who are hurting themselves, regardless of why they do it. Everyone needs supports. Most people who harm themselves do it because they feel alone, and use SI as a way to release they anxienty and express their feelings. Everyone has different reasons for hurting themselves. We need to be there to support each other.

I realize this may start some commotion here. Anyone is welcome to email me and I'll do my best to get back to you.

Re: TREND CUTTERS AND THE DEFINITION OF CUTTING
Posted by the voice of reason on Sun Mar 17 07:28:56 2002 (#15307)

thank you, know-it-all...what did you cut and paste from one of the few million SI sites on the web? geezz, get a life!

Re: TREND CUTTERS AND THE DEFINITION OF CUTTING
Posted by FROST on Mon Mar 18 01:39:12 2002 (#15335)

No, thank you I did not. I myself used to be a self injurer. I've learned quite a bit about life through cutting and I only wish to help others get through the rough times in their own lives.

Re: TREND CUTTERS AND THE DEFINITION OF CUTTING
Posted by the voice of reason on Sun Mar 17 07:29:57 2002 (#15308)

thank you, know-it-all...what did you cut and paste from one of the few million SI sites on the web? geezz, get a life! did your post actually have a point? or are u just telling us what we all know?

Re: TREND CUTTERS AND THE DEFINITION OF CUTTING
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sun Mar 17 08:26:30 2002 (#15312)

um yeah i think you did cut and paste that....my really old psychiatrist made me do a research essay on SI when i first went into therapy...and that sounds exactly like..well every single site out there. and i really am curious what the point of that was...if it was that we should welcome trend cutters here just like we do real cutters then your morality is welcomed, but i have to ask are you a cutter? cause i mean sure trend cutters have messed up things going on with them as well, but its not the same as what other cutters are going through and they kind of get in the way. i think most everyone who has been absolutely tortured by depression and cutting would agree with me that people who do it for attention are incredibly annoying. its fine if they want to do that and everything, but its not ok for them to come on sites like this and try to get attention from people who seriously have a problem.

Re: TREND CUTTERS AND THE DEFINITION OF CUTTING
Posted by mego on Sun Mar 17 09:41:02 2002 (#15315)

i agree with crimson. people who trend cut dont need attention they need to get slapped in the face and to be shown what its like to really cut and really feel pain. then maybe they'll shut their whiny little mouths and think twice before they open them again to bitch. i'm sorry if this offends anyone, but we dont need people like that. we have enough of our own problems

Re: TREND CUTTERS AND THE DEFINITION OF CUTTING
Posted by She on Sun Mar 17 13:10:50 2002 (#15317)

Umm?? Im confused what was all that about . Are you a phsycologyst ? You sound like mine lol. Dose it really matter what the defernition of cutting is ??? I thi8nk we all know n e way. Im not sure what ur getting at about trend cutters ?This site is for cutters not people who what attention . They dont know what its like to bleed and have to keep it silent . Urmm i dont know if that made n e sence im not making much at the moment . Love ya all She

Re: TREND CUTTERS AND THE DEFINITION OF CUTTING
Posted by eleanor on Sun Mar 17 13:37:28 2002 (#15318)

I agree with the others. we know all that shit that you wrote, heard it all a million times before. also, trend cutters do get arrention but for the wrong reason. they make people who cut frquently and badly, who can't stop, look like "freaks". we don't need that.

Re: TREND CUTTERS AND THE DEFINITION OF CUTTING
Posted by eleanor on Sun Mar 17 13:39:01 2002 (#15319)

sorry! attention, not arrention. bad night. also, don't wanna offend anyone so soz if i have. love to all. x

Re: TREND CUTTERS AND THE DEFINITION OF CUTTING
Posted by Erryn on Sun Mar 17 14:23:27 2002 (#15321)

hey do we owe you any money for that session, or was it just to piss us off!!!! If we were trend cutters do you think we would help other people with the problem, or just talk about ourselves. not

read me
Posted by the voice of reason on Sun Mar 17 17:09:36 2002 (#15328)

lemme jsut add something about the whole trend cutters. sure they have their issues and all that....but its DIFFERENT. its like saying that anorexia is ONLY about being skinny. both, cutting and EDs, are about so much more. and yes, there are many people who looking for attention skip a meal and make a big deal about it so that everyone forces them to eat...i've seen it a million times. and it is just as strange to me as the person who would scratch their wrist, barely bring blood, and then go to the hospital and plead suicide. whatever. we all have the power to IGNORE those people. let them deal with their issues. and we, who understand each others true suffering, can lend a helping word to each other.

Re: read me
Posted by She on Sun Mar 17 20:11:14 2002 (#15329)

See now that makes seance frost. Luv ya lots She**

Re: read me
Posted by eleanor on Sun Mar 17 20:15:03 2002 (#15330)

hell yeah!

Re: TREND CUTTERS AND THE DEFINITION OF CUTTING
Posted by FROST on Mon Mar 18 01:44:42 2002 (#15336)

>>and i really am curious what the point of that was... >if it was that we should welcome trend cutters here just like we do real cutters then your morality is welcomed, but i have to ask are you a cutter? >cause i mean sure trend cutters have messed up things going on with them as well, but its not the same as what other cutters are going through and they kind of get in the way. i think most everyone who has been absolutely tortured by depression and cutting would agree with me that people who do it for attention are incredibly annoying. its fine if they want to do that and everything, but its not ok for them to come on sites like this and try to get attention from people who seriously have a problem. <<

How is it you can judge what problems are serious and what isn't? These so-called trend cutters have issues themselves. If they aren't truely depressed and cutting as an escape, than they have issues with peer pressure and those issues are no less that our own.

Re: TREND CUTTERS AND THE DEFINITION OF CUTTING
Posted by FROST on Mon Mar 18 01:52:42 2002 (#15337)

My computer seemed to delete half of my previous message. I realize it could come out wrong, so here is what it should have said:

>>and i really am curious what the point of that was... > The point was to say that we all have issues. "Trend" cutters have issues, be it true depression or just sucumbing to peer pressure, and so do we. We should not judge them, but try to help them.

>>if it was that we should welcome trend cutters here just like we do real cutters then your morality is welcomed, but i have to ask are you a cutter? cause i mean sure trend cutters have messed up things going on with them as well, but its not the same as what other cutters are going through and they kind of get in the way. i think most everyone who has been absolutely tortured by depression and cutting would agree with me that people who do it for attention are incredibly annoying. its fine if they want to do that and everything, but its not ok for them to come on sites like this and try to get attention from people who seriously have a problem. <<

How is it you can judge what problems are serious and what isn't? These so-called trend cutters have issues themselves. If they aren't truely depressed and cutting as an escape, than they have issues with peer pressure and those issues are no less that our own.

Re: TREND CUTTERS AND THE DEFINITION OF CUTTING
Posted by FROST on Mon Mar 18 01:54:12 2002 (#15338)

My computer seemed to delete half of my previous message. I realize it could come out wrong, so here is what it should have said:

(and i really am curious what the point of that was... )

The point was to say that we all have issues. "Trend" cutters have issues, be it true depression or just sucumbing to peer pressure, and so do we. We should not judge them, but try to help them.

(if it was that we should welcome trend cutters here just like we do real cutters then your morality is welcomed, but i have to ask are you a cutter? )

I do not cut myself any more, but I used to. I know the pain but I'm healing. I'm here to offer my advice and try to be support. I thought that is what this board was for; support and understanding. Apparently it's just for ripping one another apart. That's sad.

(cause i mean sure trend cutters have messed up things going on with them as well, but its not the same as what other cutters are going through and they kind of get in the way. i think most everyone who has been absolutely tortured by depression and cutting would agree with me that people who do it for attention are incredibly annoying. its fine if they want to do that and everything, but its not ok for them to come on sites like this and try to get attention from people who seriously have a problem. )

How is it you can judge what problems are serious and what isn't? These so-called trend cutters have issues themselves. If they aren't truely depressed and cutting as an escape, than they have issues with peer pressure and those issues are no less that our own.

THIS IS MY LAST TRY POSTING THIS - SORRY IT TOOK SO MANY TRIES AND SO MUCH SPACE

Re: TREND CUTTERS AND THE DEFINITION OF CUTTING
Posted by mego on Mon Mar 18 02:29:08 2002 (#15340)

okay now. thats bullshit. you come here and tell us what we should do and how we should feel. we disagree with you and you say that this board is for ripping each other apart. we can relate to each other, we can not relate to trend cutters, and they cant relate to us. that is why we dont want them here. they dont understand, they dont belong here, our problems are completely different. as true cutters, we support each other and we really help each other out. youve cut before, and that makes me wonder why and what the hell your reasons were and how bad shit really was for you. obviously, youve forgotten some thigs about cutting, otherwise you wouldn't be so close minded and you could see where some of us are coming from. i dont know what youre doing, coming on here and right away lecturing us and pulling all this psychologist bullshit. the reason a lot of us come here is so we dont have to put up with lectures, and so we have people to understand. i'm not telling you you have to leave, but dont fuck up what we have going for ourselves. we're all pretty damn close and there is no way in hell that someone like you is going to come in here and destroy everything. these are the only people i have that understand what im going through, i dont know where the hell i'd be without them. try and read some of the posts that have been here for a while, maybe you could eventually understand what im talking about. if not, its your problem.

Re: TREND CUTTERS AND THE DEFINITION OF CUTTING
Posted by FROST on Mon Mar 18 03:41:31 2002 (#15343)

(okay now. thats bullshit. you come here and tell us what we should do and how we should feel.)

Not once did I tell you what you should feel. I merely said that we should support one another.

(we disagree with you and you say that this board is for ripping each other apart. we can relate to each other, we can not relate to trend cutters, and they cant relate to us. that is why we dont want them here. they dont understand, they dont belong here, our problems are completely different.)

How do you know that? have you made the effort to talk to each and every "trend" cutter and see what his/her problems were? I didn't think so. everyone has problems and not everyone's are the same, but we should all be willing to help one another.

( as true cutters,)

What makes a true cutter? How deep the cuts are or what the person has lived through? No I don't think so. Should anyone choose to cut themselves, no matter how much pain they inflict upon themselves, no matter what their background and not matter how deep the wound, they are cutters and need just as much help and support as any other.

(we support each other and we really help each other out. youve cut before, and that makes me wonder why and what the hell your reasons were and how bad shit really was for you. )

It does not matter what I have been through. It does not matter why I chose to cut, but since you asked here's my story. In the span of eight months, I was severly anorexic and hospitalized. I lost two of my friends to a drunk driving accident. My grandmother died and my father was shot. My step father beat my brother and I was in an abusive relationship. I was being raped each day and then I had a miscarriage. Is that enough for you to consider me a true cutter?

(obviously, youve forgotten some thigs about cutting, otherwise you wouldn't be so close minded and you could see where some of us are coming from.)

I do understand where you all are coming from when you talk about cutting. I don't see where you are coming from, however, when you talk about trend and fake cutters. There really is no such thing.

( i dont know what youre doing, coming on here and right away lecturing us and pulling all this psychologist bullshit. the reason a lot of us come here is so we dont have to put up with lectures, and so we have people to understand. i'm not telling you you have to leave, but dont fuck up what we have going for ourselves. we're all pretty damn close and there is no way in hell that someone like you is going to come in here and destroy everything. these are the only people i have that understand what im going through, i dont know where the hell i'd be without them. try and read some of the posts that have been here for a while, maybe you could eventually understand what im talking about. if not, its your problem. )

I understnad that you all are close. I have been reading this board for a while and I would love to be a part of it. I too have times when I feel like I am going to cut and I need someone to turn to. I was hoping to offer that to some of you and get it in return. I'm surely not trying to ruin anything.

Re: TREND CUTTERS AND THE DEFINITION OF CUTTING
Posted by mego on Mon Mar 18 02:05:05 2002 (#15339)

there is a huge difference. fuck peer pressure, it doesnt mean shit. its only peoples way of blaming their friends for their own choices. trend cutters dont have real problems, they cant relate to us, they shouldnt be here

Re: TREND CUTTERS AND THE DEFINITION OF CUTTING
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Mar 18 04:20:50 2002 (#15344)

FROST,

i realize that trend cutters have their own issues, i really do, but its not the same as our problems. i dont mean to sound condescending but its just like someone with an eating disorder probably wouldnt find solace in this board. im not trying to say that "real cutters" are the only ones who have problems, but its a specific type of problem and it needs to be addressed differently and specifically. there really isnt room to mix different sorts of issues with cutting, i know that many people on this very board (including myself) have/or are presently dealing with eating disorders but its not brought up that often in their posts because this is a self injury board and thats what we need to be talking about. Yes trend cutters are self injurers, but as you said in your original post there are different types of self injury. most of us here engage in "stereotypical self mutilation". by this i mean that i dont believe anyone here has amputated a limb or anything like that. being that most of us have this type of SI in common that is what should be discussed. trend cutters certainly can post here its just that theres a reason its called trend cutting. its classified differently, and while yes they are inflicting wounds upon themselves the reasons they do it and the ways they deal with it FOR THE MOST PART are different. im not saying that cutting is based on how severe the damage is because we all know that everyone on this board engages in a different level of self injury, but a big topic on this board is how we deal with this burden. how we deal with our *secret* and issues like such. trend cutters are labeled trend cutters because they deal with things differently, so as mego said they cant really relate to what we may be talking about. their advice might be highly relevent to someone else but in general, though its given with the best of intentions, its not going to help someone on this board as advice given by someone with the same experiences or similar experiences with emotion might be. im not saying that no matter what they arent welcomed its not that we are being close minded and judgmental, its simply that we are aware of traits associated with different types of SI and believe they should be separated so as to maximize the effectiveness of the boards. i realize that you have a different stand point on this issue than some of us here at the board, but i also realize that you just as much as any of us need someone to turn to, so im pretty sure that i speak for everyone when i say that you are welcomed here, just realize that the "trend cutter vs. real cutter" is a very passionate issue and considering most people here stand on the opposite side of the argument as you, its probably an argument we best forget about so that we can help each other the way that we came here to do. and i really dont mean to try to shut you down because i respect your viewpoints whether i agree with them or not, but i just think its best that we leave it behind to avoid conflicts.

THIS IS SO GAY!
Posted by ALANA on Mon Mar 18 05:20:02 2002 (#15346)

What you guys are fighting about is so stupid. What I would like to know is why anyone would even take offence to that post by FROST. He/She was just trying to supply us with some information, without any hard feeling as his/her motive. Chillax all of you. Why should this post affect anyone...some are obviously insecure about their cutter status. It doesn't matter what kind of cutter you are, whether you can even classify cutters into categories??? - More importantly, FROST was just posting what they felt needed. So calm down everyone.

It's ok. Everything will be ok.

Love, Alana

Re: THIS IS SO GAY!
Posted by the voice of reason on Mon Mar 18 05:38:08 2002 (#15349)

hell, i just thought that c+p textbook blurb outta no where was funnie. whatever. its all good right?

Re: THIS IS SO GAY!
Posted by Alana on Mon Mar 18 05:52:32 2002 (#15353)

Oh ya, no hard feelings towards anybody here. I'm just trying to relate to everyone. I can understand why people would get a tad bit annoyed, but I also understand that it can be avoided. We need to help eachother out, that's all.

Love, Alana

Re: THIS IS SO GAY!
Posted by FROST on Mon Mar 18 07:23:58 2002 (#15363)

Thank you Alana. I honestly did not mean for anything to come off as offensive as it apparently did. I just wanted to share my view.

This is way off topic, but the first thing I thought of when I saw this post is how pretty your name is. It's a name both my fiance and I would consider using for our child. I prefer it spelled Alannah though. Just my two cents.

Re: TREND CUTTERS AND THE DEFINITION OF CUTTING
Posted by FROST on Mon Mar 18 07:16:45 2002 (#15362)

(Yes trend cutters are self injurers, but as you said in your original post there are different types of self injury. most of us here engage in "stereotypical self mutilation".)

That is not true. Most of you say you are cutters. Read over my original post and you will see that it says: The third and most common form is superficial self-mutilation which usually involves cutting, burning, hair-pulling, bone breaking, hitting, interference with wound healing and basically any method used to harm oneself.

(i realize that you have a different stand point on this issue than some of us here at the board, but i also realize that you just as much as any of us need someone to turn to, so im pretty sure that i speak for everyone when i say that you are welcomed here, just realize that the "trend cutter vs. real cutter" is a very passionate issue and considering most people here stand on the opposite side of the argument as you, its probably an argument we best forget about so that we can help each other the way that we came here to do.)

We cannot support one another if we do not understand and appreciate where the other person is coming from. Should a "trend" cutter come to the board, looking for help, I ‘m sure not many of you would be willing to offer it. That person would get more rejection, which would lead to large and deeper cuts and/or more feelings of rejection. However I’m sure if this happened, then this person would be accepted.

frost
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 16:06:34 2002 (#15372)

ok. my personal viewpoint is that everything that mego and crimson have said is right. but.....frost, can you please just agree to disagree and stop coming back for more? i know you have a lot to say on the subject, but conflict like this isn't good for anybody, especially people who feel shit, come on here looking for support and find world war three breaking out. you ARE welcome here, I'm sure we'd all love to help/be helped by you, but this judgemental thing really doesn't help anyone. also, no offense, but re-writing what people have written and putting it down really pisses me off, and you haven't even done it to any of my posts. take care and PLEASE no more of this.

mego
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 16:09:29 2002 (#15373)

hey sweetie. just thought I'd show my support. what you said made a lotta sense. hope you're ok and didn't get too pissed by what frost was saying. lotsa love, el x

Re: mego
Posted by She on Mon Mar 18 16:55:15 2002 (#15382)

HIya thanx sooooo much for writting that i dont think that n e of us need theripy on line.We just need friends. Love you all She

peace....please?
Posted by ella on Mon Mar 18 12:49:36 2002 (#15368)

i was feelin really down today and i came on this board to try and find some encouraging words to help me through it all. but i came on to find only more depressing fighting and arguments...it made me cry. I may not put a lot up on this board but i find reading it helps me immensely, and i find that i am calmed and reassured by the stories and poetry and general talk.I hope that all the argueing will be over soon because this was my only place to come that i felt safe from the "judgemental eye" and the yellin and arguments in my life and if it doesnt stop i might as well never bother because i believed this was a good place and if people cant even get along here then what is the point really.....whats the point in tryin to be happy if eventually everything around you will fall?............hmmm ignore me i guess im just babbling cuz im upset. hope everyone is ok tho, and i hope people will be happier soon cuz i cant take it much more. love ella x

Re: peace....please?
Posted by She on Mon Mar 18 16:52:21 2002 (#15381)

Hiya Sorry i missed all this (time differences). I agree with Ella I always look forwards to coming home and seeing whats been written on the bord, sometimes its the only thing that gets me through the day.Its really sad that there has been a thingymbob (humm what that word) "dissagrement" and i hope things can get back to normal soon.

Love ya all

She**

Isolated-This no longer feels like a safe place
Posted by ANGEL on Mon Mar 25 01:41:37 2002 (#15705)

Ok, Ive just read the arguments that have been going on.

Im not going to give an opinion because its obvious that we are not allowed one, unless it conforms to that of the REAL CUTTERS.

I was doing quite well, not self harmed for 8 weeks, I started to read the board in oder to help me get through.

And yes I did want to cry when I read what people have said.

Just when I started to believe that there were people out there who cared, that are good and kind to each other,who are accepting.I find I was wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I came to the board becuase I felt totally alone and quite frankly I feel a lot fucking worse.

If you think this helping anyone your way of the fucking mark.

How dare any of your tell anybody else what they can and can not write, or who should or shouldn't be here.

I feel that you made FROST prostitute her life (Trauma) infront of you to get your acceptance, does that make you feel good? Because it makes me feel fucking sick.

In fact I havent felt this angry, or sick since my father let his friends rape me, your judgement over people, people that need support and love and yes sometimes advice,makes you part of the problem,you take away someones voice and you enable people to continue to be abused, and to be in pain. I started for attention, Attention I didn't fucking get because of judgements like the ones made in the previous posts. This allowed "them" to systematically abuse me from the age of seven, Had someone responded in a more helpful way, firstly the abuse woulndt have continued, and secondly I wouldnt now be a REAL CUTTTER, but I completely refuse to use this title, because its dangerous. I myself, yes meeeeeeee, I refuseeeeeeeee to isolate anyone, or to make anyone feel anymore alone than they do already. If you can not understand the damage this could do you then there is something seriously wrong.

THIS PLACE NO LONGER FEELS SAFE

will I be attacked for saying what I think and feel? Do you call that support?

I feel lost again......................... .

Last time no one listen I got raped........

Hope is slipping away......................

FROST was trying to create an environment where we could all feel safe.

n e one there?
Posted by She on Sun Mar 17 14:55:19 2002 (#15322)

hiya is ne one there im lonley

Re: n e one there?
Posted by cindy on Sun Mar 17 14:57:58 2002 (#15323)

yeah i'm here. what's up?

sick
Posted by cindy on Sun Mar 17 15:06:00 2002 (#15324)

I'm so sick. I carved that into my arm once 'sick?' dunno what it meant but it felt right. I haven't cut myself for over two weeks now. congratulations eh? then why the fuck do I still feel like my life is a voidless mess of uselessness. rejectable failure that's me. hmm all this self pity is a bit sickening and this post has no meaning or relevance I guess I'm just fed up [and sick of course]. hope everyone's well or at least coping. love cindy. xox

Re: sick
Posted by She on Sun Mar 17 16:22:20 2002 (#15326)

HIya Dont be too hard on yourself. If you've done it once you can do it again.If u wanna chat let me know. Lots of love She**

Re: sick
Posted by eleanor on Sun Mar 17 16:44:38 2002 (#15327)

hey hun. I know how you feel. i'm pretty much pissed off with everything at the moment. hope you're ok. 2 weeks without cutting is great. the most i've ever gone is 4 days (these past 4 days). take care. el x

Re: sick
Posted by She on Sun Mar 17 20:50:21 2002 (#15333)

Hiya Dont look to far ahead people ,be proud of how long you've given up for even if its only an hour or so its sooooo good that youve said that ur gonna try to give up. I know how hard giving things up . days can feel like centuries. But dont give up yet. Eleanor r u still on the board?? luv u all loads Good luck She

blabbing - bitching as usual sorry everyone
Posted by katelyn on Mon Mar 18 02:36:53 2002 (#15341)

hey everyone havent posted in a while. i cut like a weekn agoi or so after a fight with my mom and these last couple days ive wanted to. i was doing so good too, damn. the thing is i have 1 dog and i just bought another one with my mom and fill/,stepdad-asshole> were both all for it and were willing to help and now im stuck with everything. when the dogs have to go outside i have to bring them when the new pup goes to the bathroom inside i have to cleanup. the new pup has to sleep in my room so when she cries at night it keeps me up and im sick to top it all off. ive been to bed at like 930 laying around till like 11 falling asleep waking up at 1 to let the dogs out and then up at 6 again to let them out and play so i sit in the living room from 6 till 8 when i start schooland watch them at the same time while fill just sits there. so i kant sleep and havenmt been having time for the net lately or just listening to my music or rolling my dreads or nething which al usually comfort me but its just all so much i kould just cry sometimes. wel i guess my bitching is getting boring but i wanted to get that out so it didnt sit inside and get me any more upset. well only 830 but im like fukin just recked....... nehoo of anyone wnats to im me on aol sometimes im disturbedgurl4u so yeah ttyl buh bye

Re: blabbing - bitching as usual sorry everyone
Posted by mego on Mon Mar 18 03:21:48 2002 (#15342)

you have dreads? fuck yeah! i listen to disturbed too. we just got a puppy, it was supposed to be my little bros but me and my mom take care of it. i just had to take a fifteen minute break in the middle of this to follow it around so it wouldnt bother my brother. and here it comes... the little shit. i gots to go take it out so it can shit in the yard...hmmm.. guess who is gonna end up cleaning up after it

Re: blabbing - bitching as usual sorry everyone
Posted by katelyn on Tue Mar 19 21:25:51 2002 (#15491)

dude i know exactly how you feel with the dog thing this is the second dog here and i take care of um both sucks man. yeah i got dreads not for long tho only like 2 weeks but theyre lookin good man :) thanks yeah disturbed is good too ever hear of a band caled scars of life? i just got their cde off of ebay i never heard of um til then but i think theyre pretty darn good tho, nehoo gotz to go buh bye

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