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Threads 3701 to 3750

ahh!
Posted by Crimson Fire on Fri Mar 8 04:58:08 2002 (#14859)

i just got into a fight with my mom...it wasnt even a bad one, but she got mad at me cause i was reading a site about cutting, actually i was reading jasons sight and i was looking at the pictures and my mom barged in and was like "thats DISGUSTING stop it!!" and she knows i cut and shes still like that is so disgusting youre not allowed to have the internet if you keep looking at stuff like that and she doesnt realize that these sites make me feel BETTER not worse. so the point is ive been feeling a lot better in the past couple of days and ive been able to somehow keep myself busy and i havent cut in about 4 days which is awesome for me. butt.....i just did 13 big cuts on my arm...and i accidentally got blood all over my brothers bed (hes in college so i cut in his room cause no one will look for me there) and all over my uniform. plus i ran out of gauze so i have paper towels taped all over my arm cause its dripping everywhere. now its burning like fuck and i love it except i feel so ashamed. ah why am i so ashamed!!!! it helps me but my moms words are ringing in my ears "thats disgusting beka!!its not natural and only people with problems do that!!" ahhhh

Re: ahh!
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Fri Mar 8 07:52:52 2002 (#14861)

"only people with problems do that"

i read a book last night and at one part it told about a doctor who ran into his friend George in the street. "how are you George?" he asked. while expecting to hear the usual "fine thanks" he got 15 minutes of rambling from George about how many problems he had "nothing but problems, problems problems. i would give you $5000 if you could take all my problems away". the doctor then said "i know of a place where about 1000 people reside, none of them have any problems, nor have had for years." George sounded thrilled "will you take me there?" to which the doctor replied "Ok. i will drive you over to Woodgreen Cemetery"

(maybe you should share this story with your mom. the point being - the only people without problems are the ones without lives)

hope this helps a little

Re: ahh!
Posted by Trout on Fri Mar 8 13:04:16 2002 (#14862)

Oh my god that is so right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: ahh!
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 8 20:20:34 2002 (#14875)

I don't think that I can say anything better than what idonthaveasoul said, that's so true. But fuck what your mum said, you should never feel ashamed of who you are. I know that's easy to say and not so easy to feel and i'm probably being the hugest hyppocrit....but hey. You are an angel and it is NOT disgusting. I love you so much sweetie! You've been my guardian angel - you've helped me so much, even though you may not feel like you've done a lot. I know me spouting off like this probably hasn't helped you at all, but I just had to say that. email me if you wanna talk, rant, rave....whatever, ok? Love always, el x x

not a good night
Posted by Kate on Fri Mar 8 17:43:12 2002 (#14866)

Sometimes it helps me to get things in persepctive when i write in third person.... so here i go.... sorry to bore anyone.

Kate is sitting in her grandparent’s basement right now and it’s not a good night. She has been covering everything up all day and is really sick of it. Nobody knows this, but she hurts so much. The pain is crawling inside her and eating her up but she won’t do anything about it because she doesn’t want to hurt the people she cares about. She would much rather feel like shit than make everyone around her feel like shit.

She wants to cut herself so bad right now, I can tell. The expression on her face says it all and I can’t stand to see her like this. I am afraid of what she will do because you never can tell with her. One minute it seems like everything will be all right, the next, she hurts so much, if she starts crying she won’t stop.

Kate is afraid that she might be depressed. She doesn’t want to be, but she wants to hurt herself, needs to hurt herself to get at least a bit of emotional gratification, even if it only lasts a few moments. She looks like she is going to break any second and tell someone what is going on, even though she tries to hide it; desperately at times. In the past year she has gotten into drugs. She purposely doesn’t do anything harder than hash. Only that along with weed about four of five times a week. She’s also into alcohol and hates herself for all of this because she can feel herself getting addicted. It’s the same with cigarettes. She knows they kill her. She knows that they are wrong... but she can’t help it. Along with cutting and beating herself up emotionally, it’s her way to cope.

Kate feels so fucked up... she knows that she is screwing herself over but she just can’t stop. I know she honestly thinks that she needs to be hospitalized and this scares her because she wants to be normal. She wants to as happy as everyone else seems even though she knows that they think the same about her. People think that she is perfect.... miss honour roll student, great friends, great boyfriend, full of teenage fun girl.... It’s a hard reputation to live up to.

What she hates the most is that she knows she can’t blame it all on Karl. She was beginning to be screwed up before he sexually assaulted her and even tough she tries so hard to hide it from herself, there is this place deep down inside her, where she knows all of this bullshit isn’t because of that. According to her it is nobody’s fault but hers. She has all of this tension building inside of her that is just begging to be let loose, and someday it is going to explode in some inopportune place, at some inopportune time, whether she likes it or not. I really worry about her. I just wish that someone else would too.

Her sixteenth birthday is tomorrow. She should be happy, but I know that she is scared. Kate has such eyes that are full of expression that if you look closely, you can see everything. The people who know her best don’t even know this about her. Even the people that Kate tells her deepest secrets too, they don’t even know the half of it. They don’t know how afraid she is about her risk of becoming an alcoholic, they don’t know how afraid she is about it being possible to not make it into university and being some bum on the streets. They don’t know how afraid she is.

Kate is so scared about dying. It’s pathetic to her but it’s true. Dying is meant to be painful and Kate thinks she deserves pain, after all it always seems to come in her direction. She is also afraid that something isn’t right, She has these crazy flashbacks, crazy thoughts, crazy feelings. She doesn’t feel sane anymore.

Re: not a good night
Posted by scared aka donna on Fri Mar 8 18:46:17 2002 (#14869)

i think thats a really gud way to express yor feelings, i hope it made u feel better! evrythin u sed there i cud relate to, coz it was in third person (or woteva im crap at english) i really thought it wor talkin bout me hope u feel better love xxdonnaxx

Re: not a good night
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 8 20:25:06 2002 (#14876)

I sometimes do that - write like an outsider looking in on my life. sometimes it kinda helps me get things into perspective, other times it helps me pretend that this isn't happening to me, it isn't real. does that make any sense? hope you're ok. I can really relate to how you feel now. just hang on in there sweetie. love always, el x

Re: not a good night
Posted by mego on Sat Mar 9 20:00:43 2002 (#14905)

i know. if i could help you, i would, but i'm going through the same shit, and i cant even figure out how to help myself. good luck.

TO EVERYONE
Posted by scared aka donna on Fri Mar 8 18:38:48 2002 (#14868)

im seriously considering ending it all. tonight? tomorrow? i dont no when but i seriously am, ive had enough of people telling me wot 2 do so if u dont c me here again then thanku for evrythin uve all done, uve bin gr8 and i will be ever gr8full thankyou

Re: TO EVERYONE
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 8 20:28:55 2002 (#14877)

donna, listen to me sweetie. you can't end it all because you're tired of people telling you what to do. And you definitly can't do it like this. how do you think people on here are going to feel reading your last post? Especially people like me who've talked to you a lot and care about you. you are strong, i know you are, and I know that you can hang in there. WRITE BACK. el x

Re: TO EVERYONE
Posted by scaredinthedark on Fri Mar 8 21:22:06 2002 (#14879)

hey scared. listen please don't do anything. please. you and everyone on here have helped me sooooo much and to know that one of the people who helped me is gone is too much to bear. i already lost someone who tried to help me through tough times and i don't want to lose anyone else who has. please don't. you've inspired me to keep on living just as everyone else has helped me. please don't do anything. write back to me if you need to talk or im me at sassycggurl. please please please write back. take care. lots and lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: TO EVERYONE
Posted by erica on Fri Mar 8 21:45:28 2002 (#14881)

Hey Scared, I know it's hard, but you really need to resist this. Trust me, I know how hard it can be. But you don't want to do this. I don't wan't you to do this. We really care about you. I don't want to hear that you woke up from a coma on a respirator, or that you came to with a tube down your throat having your stomach pumped. Trust me it's no fun. I really do care about you. Even though I may lurk a lot of the time, I still read your posts. If you can try and make it to your hospitals emergency room. See some one. Talk this out.

Erica

Seroquel...
Posted by matt on Fri Mar 8 18:48:20 2002 (#14870)

Hey, wednesday the doctor put me on 'seroquel' i had never heard of it before, but as she put it. its an "anti-psychotic medication," thats reasuring haha. Anyway, it makes me tired as fuck and its supposed to help me stop cutting. Does anyone know anybody thats taken this before? Any info on it would be cool.

Thanks, Matt

Re: Seroquel...
Posted by erica on Fri Mar 8 20:57:59 2002 (#14878)

Hi Matt! I take seroquel 3x a day, and I am supposed to take it when needed. My psych put me on it to help stop voices and my cutting. Well it's helped with the voices, and it did for a while with the cutting. Well it has taken away ther feelings my skin gets. But I've started cutting again, though not as bad. I never found it to make me tired, even when they kept increasing it. I'm not sure what else to tell you. if you have any more questions feel free to ask.

Erica:o)

everything
Posted by erica on Fri Mar 8 21:39:44 2002 (#14880)

Hey everyone, I just thought I'd post as I'm feeling frustrated right now. I just cut in the bathroom stall here at school. I chose the one that hardly anyone comes into. But for some reason people kept coming in. I don't know, I mean, everything was going good. Then all of a sudden I started having flashbacks to my assault and rape last year. then next thing you know I'm starving myself. So I started to get concerned. Well i started to eat, but then I was cutting. Not as deep as I used to, but it gets deeper everytime I cut. So now If I eat I cut, if I don't cut well I don't eat. I'm not sure if it's punishment or what. But I've cut everyday for 3 straight days. And I was doing good. I had only cut once since november. So when I talked to my bishop about this, I got a phone call from my doctor(my bishops son) asking me to come in.So I don't know if my bishop said something to him or not. Well I see my psychiatrist on monday and my GP on friday, as well as an orthopedic surgeon on tuesday. I just had a horrible thought, what if they all ask to see my arms and legs? So anyways I'm feeling pretty down. Each day it gets worse. And Now my parents want me to get a part time job at a grocery store near where I live. I'm hiding this all pretty good and I don't know if I should tell my doctors what up. I don't even know how I'm going to last through my class this afternoon. Plus I have a major project due in one of my classes next week. I don't know. I really don't. I just can't wait to do my painting for art. I have to go now. I feel so tired. I am sleeping all the time. I know I am getting sick again, as if I was better. I just hope I can keep myself in control.

Erica

Re: everything
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Fri Mar 8 23:41:46 2002 (#14883)

yeah... painting is way kool. it keeps your hands busy. even tho most of my pics contain a lot of red and images of cutting (a pic called "of course it's an issue- everything's a fucking issue" http://us.f1.yahoofs.com/users /9827faa6/bc/Yahoo!+Photo+Albu m/Issue.jpg?pfV3Ti8AZS2k9lqR ), it still keeps my mind and my hands occupied for a good couple hours.

but i bet your school would rather see nice tree and bunny rabbit pictures...

Re: everything
Posted by erica on Fri Mar 8 23:53:21 2002 (#14884)

Yeah I'm sure that they would rather see positive things. The painting I am doing is on the topic "secrets". It's going to be a mattress on the floor in the corner with a window above it on the side wall. I'm thinking of doing it in very cool colours. Like lots of blues. I actually sketched it in my sketchbook first and showed it to my instructor. She actually loves it, especially the composition. After I told her the story behind it she said it made it even more mysterious. Basically it's a picture of the "mattress room" in the local psych ward. They had me locked in there for three days straight, only allowed out to use the washroom.

hmmm..... at least my day is going a bit better. I made it through my class allright.

Erica

my first time....
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Fri Mar 8 23:55:52 2002 (#14885)

...seeing a counsellor, that is... what were YOU thinking??!!

i had my first appt today and i dunno what you guys' first experience was like, but :

i was expecting a big room with a desk in the middle of it, in front of a huge window. an uptight 50 year old with horn rimmed glasses calls out "11:30" in her sharp voice. i walk into the room to find an elderly plump, grumpy looking man in one of those HUGE brown leather plush chairs that swivels round. im supposed to go on "the couch" and pour everything out while he just sits there writing everything down, occasionally interrupting me with "and how does that make you feel?"

instead i got a friendly man who opened the door for me, ushered me into a living-room like space, and offers me a tea or coffee. i stand there looking around in amazement at how "comfortable" it all is. no sight of any horn-rimmed, tight-lipped old woman! theres a guy at the reception desk wearing a t-shirt that reminds me of hippies. the man who brings me my tea is very softly spoken, ordinary and not intimidating at all. i think my guy, Richard, must still be in his last appointment because I am 15 minutes early. at 11:30, i am led into a large-ish room with several comfy chairs all the same size. two are beside a table with coasters and a box of tissues on it. i guess this is where i sit. i put my tea down on the coaster...and the guy who brought me the tea was Richard! i had already decided i liked him, and once we started talking i got the feeling that it didnt matter what i talked about- i could have sat there crying for the whole hour and i dont think it would have mattered! i started talking, and when i came upon a point that i couldnt get any words out, he asked me gentle questions to get me in the flow again. it was so so nice, and i have another appointment for thursday.

and no sight of "the couch" Anywhere!

Re: my first time....
Posted by Erryn on Sat Mar 9 00:41:24 2002 (#14887)

That is great that you have found a doctor with a comfortable setting, stick with and maybe you maybe get better and be on here offering your success story, good luck xx Erryn

Re: my first time....
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Sat Mar 9 01:01:28 2002 (#14888)

i know, it was scary going there after reading all the horror stories about peoples' "counsellors", and they posted on here about how insensitive they are so i imagined the worst!

but ...eeeerrrr i didnt actually tell him i cut. it was bad enough saying it to the Doctor ...i am definetly gonna tho.

Re: my first time....
Posted by eleanor on Sat Mar 9 01:42:21 2002 (#14890)

hey. I was pretty lucky with my first time as well. I got someone called anne. she's pretty cool, it's early days yet but she was easy to talk to. I didn't have to bring up the subject of cutting, she already knew from my doctor referal which definitly helped. i'm glad you got on ok. x

Re: my first time....
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Sat Mar 9 11:05:45 2002 (#14895)

thats kool. my dodctor refeered me but didnt... what happened was she just gave me this information for the counselling service, and i called them myself and made an appointment. which i never thought i could do!

but saying that, does anyone ever feel like they dont wanna get better, because its a comfortable pattern you have gotten into? i sometimes look at myself and say "i shouldnt do this", but when im cutting i feel like "this is the only thing i can rely on- i cant stop because then i wont have anything."

Re: my first time....
Posted by eleanor on Sat Mar 9 13:10:45 2002 (#14900)

yeah, I feel like that all the time. this is gonna sound weird but cuttings kinda like this blanket I hadx when I was little. It would always calm me down and make me feel better, like an old friend I guess..........sorry if that's too weird

Re: my first time....
Posted by wallflower on Sat Mar 9 05:59:44 2002 (#14892)

Yeah, my first (and only) experience with a therapist was pretty good. The woman, Andrea, had a really pleasant yellow room with plants and a big squishy white couch. She sat in a big comfy chair across the coffee table from me. If I was hungry she would offer me candy. She also liked to chat about movies and her own personal stories. She was a pretty nice woman, but eventually stopped seeing her. I never told her anything, so she couldn't help me. She pretty much had to guess why I was there and what was wrong . . . she asked me to keep a journal to show her, and I did but I still didn't say much about my feelings so it was a lost cause. She decided that my parents divorce was making me depressed. Boy was she off . . . the divorce made me happy. Anyway, my friends were doing a better job at therapy than she was so I stopped seeing her. But it was still a pleasant experience. I hope everything goes well for you.

Re: my first time....
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Sat Mar 9 11:12:51 2002 (#14896)

hey thats great! even tho it didnt work, it wasn't 'because' of anybody. actually showing up was a step, but i guess it just wasn't the right time for you. its good to hear about some nice therapists out there!

Re: my first time....
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Mar 10 20:31:58 2002 (#14925)

Oh God, I'm starting to cry right now!!!! I'm so happy you found someone who seems to care about you. He sounds like Dr. Gilbert, Tara's doctor. He was very gentle and very understanding. I truly hope he helps you. Please let me know how things are going. I'm really interested. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: my first time....Taras mom
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Sun Mar 10 21:00:37 2002 (#14930)

thanks :)

(and the tea was really good too!)

scared Aka Donna
Posted by Erryn on Sat Mar 9 03:58:08 2002 (#14891)

I was wondering if anyone has heard from donna or you yourself is reading this I was wondering if she was okay please respond asap thank xx Erryn

Re: scared Aka Donna
Posted by eleanor on Sat Mar 9 13:18:42 2002 (#14901)

I've not heard from her. Donna sweetie, if you read this we're worried about you. please get in touch. love n stuff (you know what I mean) el x x

ICQ ???
Posted by rovi on Sat Mar 9 18:27:07 2002 (#14902)

I was just wondering does someone has ICQ? MY ICQ number is 126620492. take care! hugs vicky.

Re: ICQ ???
Posted by diana on Sat Mar 9 19:43:25 2002 (#14903)

whats an icq?

Re: ICQ ???
Posted by rovi on Sun Mar 10 18:00:01 2002 (#14921)

Its a chat program, you can see when people are online. vicky.

?????
Posted by scared aka donna on Sat Mar 9 19:44:20 2002 (#14904)

hey...well im alive so...yeah, there u go. sorry i just have a hangover, pathetic

Re: ?????
Posted by mego on Sat Mar 9 20:20:19 2002 (#14906)

yeah, i've had those kinda nights too. take some tylenol, try and get some sleep. hope you feel better.

Re: ?????
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Mar 9 23:32:51 2002 (#14910)

Actually, I'm glad you have a hangover!! I know that sounds stupid, but I'd rather hear that than hear you weren't here anymore. Take care honey. Love,Rhonda

Re: ?????
Posted by Erryn on Sun Mar 10 00:21:28 2002 (#14912)

hey im glad you are okay keep in touch xx Erryn

weekend
Posted by mego on Sat Mar 9 20:31:44 2002 (#14907)

thursday night nick came over for a while, then i hung out with nell and tim. nell took some of my money, but its okay cause she bought me a pack of cigarettes with some of it. yesterday i hung out with kristine, steph, nick, will, danny and paul. it was an alright day. the weather was pretty great, but some things pissed me off. i went out to eat with my family, ended up making myself puke in the bathroom. some little girl (probably like, 12) came in and i didnt like how she was looking at me, so i rolled up my sleeves when i was washing my hands, so she could see my arm, hoping she wouldnt fucking look at me anymore. well, i guess it worked cause she left pretty quickly. good. i hate when people look at me like i'm stupid, especially people like her. see? i dont even know this kid, i didnt like how she was looking at me so i got mad. then at danny's pauls like "megan, will you strip for us?" what the fuck is that? how can he just assume that i'm gonna take my clothes off for him? goddamn. and kristine bitching about the stupidest shit "oh my god, junior cant even call me. how many times have i called him? hes probably out getting high" why the fuck does she care?? she would be too if she could. goddamn. today is saturday, but it feels like sunday, the girls smoked most of my cigarettes, i only have two to last me until...whenever i can get more...and i'm having family over tomorrow and i need one now... fuck it. i dont know what the hell is gonna happen. i'm gonna go smoke a cigarette and maybe cut a little. then i'll be able to relax and tell myself 'this shit happens every day and it shouldnt be a big deal' and maybe i'll actually believe myself.

bored
Posted by Erryn on Sun Mar 10 00:28:37 2002 (#14913)

just wondering what everyone was doing on their weekend and how everyone was doing im bored and i tend to cut when im bored. have a good day xx erryn

Re: bored
Posted by sn0wbunnie015@aol.com on Sun Mar 10 01:45:36 2002 (#14914)

hey whats ur screen name cuz im bored n sick today so if u wanna chat just gimme ur sn.-diana

oops my bad ..
Posted by diana on Sun Mar 10 01:47:35 2002 (#14915)

lol i put my screen name in for my name by accident.. put it in the wrong box

Re: bored
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Mar 10 20:27:38 2002 (#14924)

I'm just gonna play on the computer and then go help my husband cut wood for our fireplace. (thrill!) Take care. Love, Rhonda

i want to apologize to everyone
Posted by mego on Sun Mar 10 02:10:51 2002 (#14916)

i just wanted to say i'm sorry to everyone for being so bitchy about so many things lately (religion, trend cutters) and for posting goddamn posts that just ramble on and on about things that arent really important and for posting all those damn poems that all sound the same. i'm sorry for not helping anyone when they need it, and for not knowing what to tell people when they are having problems with things that i dont know how to relate to. i dont expect you all to tell me its okay, and that i dont ramble and all that shit, i'm doing it right now. im not looking for people to tell me its okay and that they like my poems and all that shit. its not important. nothing i have been saying has been important. i just realised all that and i wanted to apologize for everything. sorry.

Re: i want to apologize to everyone
Posted by Erryn on Sun Mar 10 03:26:55 2002 (#14917)

Hey its all good, everyone needs to ramble on occasionally but i have to admit your rambling on reminds me of me so trust me i dont mind, and you have helped people here because your here and thats important to me. I love your poems, because if we didnt feel like them and do the things that you talk about then we wouldn't be here, so no apology needed here, but thanks for being here. take care xx Erryn

Re: i want to apologize to everyone
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Mar 10 20:23:59 2002 (#14923)

Don't worry honey, that's what we're all here for,is to help each other. It's actually a good thing that you have a place to come where you can just ramble on and on. Take care of yourself. Love, RHonda

Re: i want to apologize to everyone
Posted by matt on Sun Mar 10 22:39:04 2002 (#14943)

Dont apoligize... Those poems are good, and when we talk online, you help me more than you know, thank you.

love, matt

Re: i want to apologize to everyone
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 11 18:44:25 2002 (#14999)

hey. you have helped me...a lot. I'm glad that I met you on here coz you've made such a difference to my view of myself and what I do. I know me saying that probably won't mean much, but it's true. And I love your poems, i've even copied some of them so I can look back on them. I hope you don't mind. Please keep posting them. Also I should be thanking you for reading and replying to all my shit! take care x x

sorry sorry sorry
Posted by scared aka donna on Sun Mar 10 17:31:36 2002 (#14918)

hey look everyone sorry bout before, i got some very bad news which has left me absolutely devastated and i felt and still feel that i cant go on. this news has changed evrything. however im hangin on ok so please dont worry and it wasnt my intention to worry any of you and im therefore very sorry. i really am. i guess i have got what i deserve. im sorry but i felt that writing down exactly how i felt and what i wanted to do would help me a bit. i dunno.

Re: sorry sorry sorry
Posted by wallflower on Sun Mar 10 20:38:14 2002 (#14927)

Hey, there's no need to feel sorry. Writing what's on our minds is what can help all of us feel sane. If we can't get it out where would it go?? We'd just bottle it all up and be even more destructive later on. Keep it up, anytime you have something that needs to get out let it out. It's catharsis, the purging of feelings . . . and it's great!

This is it-bye guys!
Posted by Donna on Sun Mar 10 17:43:51 2002 (#14919)

hey guys, ive been thinkin a lot and i think its timei just got it over and done with instead of talking about it all the time! things are not getting better for me-i cut all the time, i cry all the time-the list just goes on! im so sick of this life and the only way for things to get better would be for me to die-it would stop the suffering of the last 4 years and the abuse i suffered prior to that! it seems like my only option guys! noone is there to help me except for wot you guys post and i really appreciate that but i can only cum online once a day! im just so tired and pissed off with everything and im sorry guys but tonights the night if all goes to plan.thanx 4 everything guys and i hope you can be stronger than i have been and have a gr8 life-dont throw it away-u all have so much potential!i mightnt always reply to your posts but i read every single one of them-i admire your strength and bravery-keep fighting!!!! luv u all

Re: This is it-bye guys!
Posted by scared aka donna on Sun Mar 10 17:49:31 2002 (#14920)

donna please dont end it all, please please please dont!!! i was gunna and i still really wanna but u gotta keep fightin!!! please id b so upset if i found out from sum1 on ere that u had died. please post bak if u r still ther. my aol screenname is SMIRFS if u on that, or email me or just post me. pls dont do it i will be devastated

i don't know if i'm crazy or what
Posted by wallflower on Sun Mar 10 20:32:41 2002 (#14926)

I don't know if anyone else ever gets like this, but I'm really starting to feel insane. I'm so goddamn sick of everyone in my life being so fucking supportive. They seem to be even less worried about me than I am! Doesn't anyone care that something could go wrong?! I guess people just trust me to know how to help myself, but I don't! No one has ever suggested that I tell my mom, or see a therapist or anything. They all say, "no one can change you, so there's no point in me doing anything, you're the one who's in control." Do I fucking look like I'm in control?!!! I may be in control of my pain, and the timing of my death, but other than that I've lost it. I know that even when I'm feeling on top of the world, I'm still unhealthy. But I also know that I'm not going to do anything about it. I just want someone to want me to help myself instead of telling me to "love myself for all my problems" and shit like that. No one seems to care that every cut has gotten deeper. No one cares that I'm so disgusted by myself when I look in the mirror that I get nautious. Yes, this is who I am, and yes, I know I have to deal with it eventually . . . but is no one there to help? Is there no one who will tell me when I'm heading in the right direction and put me back on track when I'm heading off in the wrong direction again?? It's not fair that the only one who's "in control" is me and I can't even stop myself. Ugh, when is this stupid cycle gonna fucking end already?

Re: i don't know if i'm crazy or what
Posted by scared aka donna on Sun Mar 10 20:47:33 2002 (#14928)

i mean sure, i spose i could say that you are not crazy and not to worry but then i would be a hypocrit because i hate myself and know that i am crazy, abnormal or woteva. but im gunna say it anyway because i seriously dont think you are crazy, you are just going through a tough time and the only way to deal with your feelings is to cut. i care that something could go wrong, im aware that something could go wrong for you and i know that i have no control over my feelings and urges therefore i would never presume that you are any different. dont wait for any1 to suggest to you to go see a therapist. if its help you want sometimes you just have to rech out for it yourself without others blessing. its a tough cycle xx

Re: i don't know if i'm crazy or what
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Sun Mar 10 21:08:49 2002 (#14931)

yes i have definetly felt like that. my life is an endless series of "things to take my mind off it."

the time has come
Posted by scared aka donna on Sun Mar 10 20:57:08 2002 (#14929)

im too afraid of the future, im too afraid of what will happen for it is out of my control. they have taken that control away from me. they have made me feel helpless, as though i have to answer to them. they say they have my best interests at heart but they cant do. i told them, i made it perfectly clear hat i would kill myself if they told my parens about my biggest secret. i kept cutting secret for a while but THIS secret i have kept for over 5 years. they cant force me into anything, they cant. social services are a bunch of arsehols who claim to care about my welfare when really they are scared in cse they lose there jobs. it stinks and i hate them. i hate myself and i hate my life, i hate all the lies all the secrets. sometime soon they will intervene and tell my big secret which therefore means that no matter what, sometime soon i will be dead. i will have been forced into killing my self because i will not be sticking around for any reaction to the "big secret". i will be dead soon, its kinda hard to take in. my sister will be devastated, so will my parents. im crying right now thinking about it but i have no choice. maybe next week, maybe next month, soon i will be dead.

hello?
Posted by scared aka donna on Sun Mar 10 21:24:57 2002 (#14932)

is any1 there i really need to talk? keep occupied

Re: hello?
Posted by She on Sun Mar 10 21:30:56 2002 (#14934)

Yeah im hear U ok??

hummmm
Posted by She on Sun Mar 10 21:29:34 2002 (#14933)

Im really bord and ive started to think about some stuff (being bored isnt healthy for me ) ok so --- Life, not being funny or n e thing but it can seriously suck big time and it seams to get worse . So we all have to live really sucky lifes and it probabley wouldnt be so bad if we got somthing out of it but hay another suckey thing we dont, we just fucking die ohh goody .sucky life then a sucky death. ok sorry bout that hope ur all well luv She ok

Re: hummmm
Posted by scared aka donna on Sun Mar 10 21:35:45 2002 (#14935)

wots the point in life? as u sed we live then we die. the end. im being forced into killing myself, infact right now im finking of the best way i can do it. im scared. i dont wanna but im not letting social services tell my big secret no way, they can go take there concern and fuck it. i hate all of this im having to go 2 such great lengths 2 proove that i have control in and over my life. this is gonna be horrible for my sis. why am i so horrible and selfish, its all his fault and partly social services. i hate myself

Re: hummmm
Posted by She on Sun Mar 10 21:40:47 2002 (#14937)

Im sorry I didnt mean to get every 1 all suisidal.Yeah i know what u mean about the social servises they really suck they followed me round for a long time but Donna you are the only one in controll of your life . U can make it better. Lots of luve She

Re: hummmm
Posted by Erryn on Sun Mar 10 21:57:20 2002 (#14938)

I dont think you can make us anymore suicidal than we are all ready everyone else is crazier than us because we understand each other they dont xx Erryn

Donna r u there
Posted by She on Sun Mar 10 21:37:00 2002 (#14936)

Donna r u there im REALLY worried about you . I just read a few of ur messages .Can you please get imn touch with me or n e someone really soon my screan name is Rockinggodess if you want to im me , email me (above ) Or post another message. Please let me know if ur around. luv She

DONT DO IT!!!!
Posted by anon on Sun Mar 10 21:59:05 2002 (#14939)

hey!! donna and/or scared aka donna! i dont no if u r both the same person or 2 different donnas but please both of u...dont end your lifes. without trying to sound patronizing life is precious. you can get through whatevre it throws at you!! please i tried and failed and realised theres a chance of happiness. please dont bcs unlike me you may not get that chance. Scared aka donna you posted most recently so chances are your still here maybe so post please post and Donna i dont know if youve gone through with it but if not please post. even though i dont no you it would make me feel loads better if i knew you were (both) ok xxx

n e one there
Posted by She on Sun Mar 10 22:11:34 2002 (#14940)

Hello is n e one there?

Re: n e one there
Posted by matt on Sun Mar 10 22:46:27 2002 (#14945)

i'm here... i'm sorry

Re: n e one there
Posted by She on Sun Mar 10 22:55:24 2002 (#14948)

Why r u sorry. U dont have to b sorry for n e thing.

i am
Posted by anon on Sun Mar 10 22:18:26 2002 (#14941)

i am...has donna got in touch??

Re: i am
Posted by She on Sun Mar 10 22:28:24 2002 (#14942)

No im really sceared bout her i havent heard n e thing from het for about 25 mins ro so . So im just sittin here staring at my screan wating for somthing new. Donna if your there can ou let one of us now please. luv Elle

ONE LAST TIME
Posted by Donna on Sun Mar 10 22:40:38 2002 (#14944)

hey guys, im here for da last time! i hope you're ok! please dont worry about me...i mean it! this is going to free me from the hell ive been going through! its time i got it over and done with...it will be painless and ill be free from hell on earth!!

Re: ONE LAST TIME
Posted by matt on Sun Mar 10 22:48:38 2002 (#14946)

I pray that you come here at least once more, im online MattCarmenX2 please IM me. i know i havent talked to you personally much, but i still do care. Please, youve helped too many people to let it end like this, please dont....

im sorry - love, matt

Re: ONE LAST TIME
Posted by She on Sun Mar 10 22:52:37 2002 (#14947)

Hiya Ok we've all felt a little like thi b 4 but its one of those things that if we do were not gonna be able to take back so will you do me a huge favour and hold on or a while . Chat to some one, have a fag roll a joint but just hold on for an hour or so to think about what your doing, If you want to talk please let me know im just sitting here at the moment and im not going n e where Please think about it all Loads of love

She Please get in touch

Re: ONE LAST TIME
Posted by Donna on Sun Mar 10 22:59:40 2002 (#14949)

guys.....im in floods of tears at da mo...dats all im ever doin..cryin or cutting!!its been 3 years since i wasnt like this!!no one but you people cares and i am sooo weak!!!i dont sleep and ive been on da internet all day..got no homewrk done either!! im sooo sick of it all...i want to die..i really do! im not afraid of death any more!!

Re: ONE LAST TIME
Posted by She on Sun Mar 10 23:10:56 2002 (#14950)

Donna

Ohh I'm really kinda stuck here girl.Im so sorry about everything thats gone on for you belive me I knoew what the social servises can be let but you cant let them take controll of your life like this. You have to be stronger then thm cause belive me girl you are . Please write back on here soon .Im sooooooo worried about you.

Re: ONE LAST TIME
Posted by She on Sun Mar 10 23:11:42 2002 (#14951)

Donna

Ohh I'm really kinda stuck here girl.Im so sorry about everything thats gone on for you belive me I know what the social servises can be like but you cant let them take controll of your life like this. You have to be stronger then them cause belive me girl you are . Please write back on here soon .Im sooooooo worried about you.

Re: ONE LAST TIME
Posted by She on Sun Mar 10 23:23:29 2002 (#14952)

R u still there Donna Hows it all going ?Im getting kicked off my computer in a minnit so PLEASE get back to me really soon Im gonna try and go on line l8er if not first thing tomorrow is there any thing i can do befor i go , Loads of love Very worried She

Re: ONE LAST TIME
Posted by Donna on Sun Mar 10 23:28:30 2002 (#14953)

im still here!ill b here until i decide to get off and finish myself!! please dont worry....ill be happier where im going!!thanx guys

Re: ONE LAST TIME
Posted by Erryn on Mon Mar 11 01:40:34 2002 (#14964)

Hey Donna if you are still there we all understand but please think about what you are going to do, just know we all care about what happens to you. love Erryn

whos who??
Posted by anon on Sun Mar 10 23:36:33 2002 (#14954)

k im kinda worried guys coz theres 2 donnas. the 1 ive spoken 2 scared aka donna is the one with the big secret n social services n stuff n the other i fink is the 1 whos got in touch last. wot bout scared aka donna is she ok?? dus any1 no coz i thought a lot bout her and havnt herd nethin?? im worried xx

Re: whos who??
Posted by Donna on Sun Mar 10 23:40:08 2002 (#14955)

hey....i havent heard from scared aka donna!!im donna..plain old donna and u wont hav to worry bout gettin us mixed up anymore cos i wont be around anymore!!! im worried bout her too....im a hypocrite but she shouldnt kill herself

hey-is anyone here?
Posted by Donna on Mon Mar 11 00:31:50 2002 (#14956)

hey-its me again! ive been on this thing all day-im waitin till everyone's in bed so i can get this over and done with!i just need to be kept busy till then!im shakin away here-all over!!im so glad im gonna end all this tonight-i know ppl will b hurt if i do...but they knew i wos sufferin and the blatently ignored it so is not not acceptable that i end the suffering like this? i think it is!ill b here if n e y else is!

Re: hey-is anyone here?
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Mar 11 00:57:35 2002 (#14957)

hey donna, im online right now i probabyl will be for a while...IM me. my sn is KoFFeyBeaN

Re: hey-is anyone here?
Posted by Donna on Mon Mar 11 01:03:01 2002 (#14958)

hey! how r u? im finally gonna do this---the waiting is killing me!!my wrists are cut but im gonna overdose--dats da best way i think! how do i IM u?

Re: hey-is anyone here?
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Mar 11 01:10:02 2002 (#14959)

you click on the single person with a conversation bubble at the bottom of your buddy list and type in KoFFeyBeaN and then type the message. give me your sn just in case it doesnt work

Re: hey-is anyone here?
Posted by Donna on Mon Mar 11 01:20:15 2002 (#14960)

i dont hav a buddy list.....or an sn

Re: hey-is anyone here?
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Mar 11 01:21:46 2002 (#14961)

haha well then i guess that wont work....but the message board does!!! so what exactly are you planning to take tonight?

Re: hey-is anyone here?
Posted by Donna on Mon Mar 11 01:24:49 2002 (#14962)

i have a stash of stuff.....i mean ive got everything i could get my hands on....its mostly shit stuff like paracetemol but i couldnt really get much into da house without my parents noticin!!! but believe me, ill take enuf to kill 3 ppl

Re: hey-is anyone here?
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Mar 11 01:33:26 2002 (#14963)

are you sure you want to do this?? i mean ive tried over dosing before so i know how much you want to....but theres got to be someother way....

Re: hey-is anyone here?
Posted by Donna on Mon Mar 11 01:52:48 2002 (#14967)

i do really want to die.......i hate my life sooo much-it is unbearable to get up every morning to kno that you will be getting no help-even if i ask for it i dont get it! i dont want to suffer any more...ive suffered too long already

Why is everyone so fucked up?
Posted by wallflower on Mon Mar 11 01:43:02 2002 (#14965)

Life's a bitch, and then you die. I know I feel like life isn't worth living sometimes too, but it seems like everyone on this message board has just suddenly hit rock bottom. I mean, I know I feel like shit sometimes, but I'm never gonna kill myself. God I don't even care enough about myself for that. As the Buddhist phylosophy goes, life is full of suffering. If I am here to suffer, then let me suffer. I know there are so many people out there who have it worse than me, and most of them aren't trying to die right now. I know I don't really have the right to say this, but I think everyone just needs to take a second to figure out what really matters. Don't you guys ever feel selfish for thinking that your life is so fucking awful that you just have to die? What about all the people who are left behind? You think you're really making their lives into a paradise or something? I don't know, I just want all you peoople to get better . . . and not by taking your lives.

Re: Why is everyone so fucked up?
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Mar 11 01:52:22 2002 (#14966)

i agree it seems like everyones hit rock bottom, but once youre at rock bottom it doesnt get worse, it either stays the same or gets a little better. i hit rock bottom this summer. not like anyone wants to hear the story but i had been cutting for a couple months by the time summer came and id been depressed for almost 2 years, thats when my best friend found out i cut cause she used to cut. anyway i tried to off myself twice that summer with sleeping pills and all sorts of drugs my friends gave me, and id pretend to take them at the party then i tried twice. both times it ended in me throwing up viciously for like an hour then passing out on the bathroom floor and waking up days later. i didnt want anyone to find out but my best friend did and after a party she almost died. she thought it was her fault that i was so depressed and everything because she had been depressed before me and she thought i got the idea of cutting from her. that party ended in us both sitting in the middle of the woods me holding her in my arms crying harder than id ever cried just praying that she wasnt dead. shed taken so many drugs i didnt even know what shed taken and she had just said shed rather die than watch me suffer then she passed out in my lap and it was so heart wrenching lying in the middle of no where with the one person who means the world to you lying almost dead in your arms. after that i still wanted to die but i never could let myself try again. im not saying im hugely better id just rather live my life in misery than die.

Re: Why is everyone so fucked up?
Posted by Donna on Mon Mar 11 01:59:58 2002 (#14968)

try being depressed and suicidal for three years...having repeatedly asked ppl for help b'cos you were too young for patient confidentiality!!! try havin your parents be sooo ashamed of wots wrong with u that they tell not a single soul about it and tell you to "get on with it"-even though you're desperately cryin out for help!!! would you call these people who really care?? i luv them dearly but they havent helped me at all! im not being selfish about this.....why are they being selfish and wont give me the help i need..i cant get it by myself!!! every time i ask for it i get knocked back.....i cant take any more knocking backs-cud u?

Re: Why is everyone so fucked up?
Posted by wallflower on Mon Mar 11 02:23:42 2002 (#14969)

Hey, I've never had any huge, horrible experience with death like Crimson Fire has, but I would still never kill myself. Don't think I really have no idea what you're talking about though. I was ready to kill myself way back in 4th grade . . . I know that doesn't sound convincing, but death was my obsession. That was before I started cutting. Then, two years ago I asked some people for drugs with the intention of overdosing, because I wanted to die. Well, the people found out my intentions, so they refused to help me out. I guess that was for the best. A few months later I plotted my suicide during the school lunch hour. When I got home that day I went into the basement and looked for a ceiling pipe that was strong enough to hold me. I got a rope, tied it to the pipe, got a chair, and put my neck in the noose I had made. I was just about to jump off the chair, but I thought of my sister. Now, I don't know anyone in the world that I hate as much as my sister, but I still care about her as a human being. I would not want her to become depressed and feel as shitty as I do, simply because she had to see her sister hanging from the basement ceiling. I cried for a half hour and made up my mind that I would give it a rest for a while and do it later. Well, I put everything away, but I never tried again. The thing that scares me the most is that I will do it and in the few minutes where I am dieing but am still alive I will regret what I've done and not be able to take it back. And as far as being suicidal for 3 years . . . don't tell me I need to try it! God damn it, I have! I know there's no one I can talk to. I went to a therapist, and the first thing she said was, "if you ever tell me about suicidal thoughts, or ever cut yourself I am required by law to tell your parents." Well that was the end of that! I never opened up to that woman, and I will never go back to a therapist because I will never tell my parents either and I don't want anyone to take away the option of secrecy. I will never tell my parents. I told my boyfriend once, and he was so "supportive" it made me sick! I don't see how anyone could be so accepting of my cutting if I couldn't even accept it. I couldn't stand it. He never once asked me to get help, he wouldn't even ask me to stop. As far as I could tell he didn't fucking care, but that never drove me to be suicidal. I dumped him, and now I'm alone . . . I lied to my friends, so now no one knows about my "problem" and now no one can dissappoint me cause there's no one in my life.

Re: Why is everyone so fucked up?
Posted by Donna on Mon Mar 11 02:35:08 2002 (#14970)

im sorry you feel like that-y did u feel like it in the first place?(if u dont mind me asking) i have always considered my family and friends and how they would feel and it stopped me previous to this but now i really dont care because they know i wanted to kill myself at one stage so y didnt they help then?it does baffle me!if they werent gonna stop me the last time then y would they possibly care or be "scarred" if i actually went thru with it?

Re: Why is everyone so fucked up?
Posted by the voice of reason on Mon Mar 11 03:45:27 2002 (#14972)

i know i am hated here and completely unwanted. but truly dear, get over yourself. i know how bad it is, and even if they dont care, do it for yourself. show them how strong you are. maybe they dont know how to help. i mean really, what could anyone say to make you feel better? trust me, life moves on, and with it come better days. hold on to it...becuase you deserve it. not becuause people love you or it would be a tradgedy, becuase what else is there to existence? others have it worse, but does that matter to you? it shouldnt. try to pick it up and help yourself. others cant help you until you resolve to help yourself first. it takes more courage to get help when you are young and not care if they tell your parents or family. if it wont upset them that you die, than it shouldnt matter to them if the therapist tells them about your secrets. and as long as the therapist sees that you are making an effort to improve your situation they most likely wont tell your parents anything. i know this...so, please, try to have courage, try to make the best of things for YOU. help yourself first.

Re: Why is everyone so fucked up?
Posted by fallen star on Mon Mar 11 07:37:04 2002 (#14979)

The voice of reason is so right

It took me way to many years of feeling the way you do to actually get help. Trust me getting help is worth it if it means feeling happy again. I hit rock bottom and was hospitalized just over a year ago, because of that my parents found out about my cutting. They were really upset, all they wanted was for me to get better. Ok so it was annoying the way for a few months after that they keeped 'checking' on me in different ways to see if i was still cutting but now things are back to normal and im really happy. So in the long run its worth your parents finding out even if you really dont want them to, if you need to get help just go and get it because if you dont and try to kill yourself they will find out anyway. I just wish i had got help sooner and not wasted so many years of my life.

hugs and love heather

Re: Why is everyone so fucked up?
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 11 19:15:52 2002 (#15004)

i've considered killing myself several times, but I know I could never do it. My best friend tried to kill herself last summer and It totally screwed me up. I love her so much and my life would be nothing without her. it hurt like hell. well she survived and I swore that if we could get through something like that together then I'd never do anything to make her hurt the way I did when I found out what she'd done. In a way that's why I still cut - to keep me alive and she understands that. So if it wasn't for her I'd probably be dead now, but as long as she cares about me then i could never do that to her

Re: Why is everyone so fucked up?
Posted by fallen star on Tue Mar 12 00:49:28 2002 (#15019)

Yeah its hard when friend try to kill themselves, ive had to hold down a friend to stop her then fight with her because the only way to stop her was to put her in hospital which of course at first she hated me for doing but there wasnt any other way. To many of my friends have tried to kill themselves and it breaks my heart having to watch them. Im just so lucky none of my friends have died yet but i know its only a matter of time. Stay strong and remember you can try and help them but are not responsible for what they do.

hugs and love Heather

Re: Why is everyone so fucked up?
Posted by mego on Tue Mar 12 00:16:40 2002 (#15016)

what you said made me think... about hitting rock bottom. but maybe all that means is that it can't get any worse. maybe not, i dont know. i think a lot of us feel the same way as you do, just none of us have ever put it into words. i think a lot, about how its selfish to feel so shitty about things in my life, when i could be worse off. but its just the way i am, i'm trying to learn to accept that. i dont know how many of us have tried to take our own lives, i dont know if any of us will ever succeed. i don't want any of us to ever succeed in that, i dont think any of us really deserve to die. we are all selfish, we all have faults, but none of us deserve what we have now. i dont know why i'm saying all of this, because i'm sure everyone knows it. i dont even know if anyone will ever even read this. if anyone does, please listen to her, nobody should have to die.

Re: Why is everyone so fucked up?
Posted by wallflower on Tue Mar 12 06:10:33 2002 (#15048)

Yeah, I think we all just need to admit some of these truths sometimes. I mean, I hate to admit that even when I want to die I know I won't do anything about it. It makes me feel like a coward because I can't go that far. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. Sometimes we need reminders that what we feel is normal and there's nothing wrong with it.

Re: Why is everyone so fucked up?
Posted by lora on Wed Mar 13 22:55:05 2002 (#15125)

I find that my cutting is'nt about dying, it's about surviving. It's something that keeps me going. Keeps me sane.I don't feel I should be pityed for it. Not even understood.It's me and I make no apologies for it. Thats what I am. It makes me, ME!

BYE
Posted by Donna on Mon Mar 11 02:54:55 2002 (#14971)

im going now-thanx for everything guys!!!!keep fightin-be stronger than me!!!!!i know you can all do it!!!im sorry i have to go like this but it will relieve me!!!!may you all have fulfilling lives and make me proud!!BYE to you all. luv DONNA

Re: BYE
Posted by the voice of reason on Mon Mar 11 03:54:14 2002 (#14973)

it wont relieve you -- you could burn in hell. a pain worse than any imaginable human emotional or physical suffering. most likely if you do attempt it you wont suceed...and you could end up witht the mental capacity of a two year old knowing you once were normal. you could end up without the ability to use your body? and what kinda life would that be? not as bad as hell, but worse than what your life is now? come on, you are smarter than this. can you really be this lazy? just to give up like this? dont sound so damn cheery about it. this will only make whatever you see as a hopeless rock bottom WORSE. so do me a favor, stop spamming the message board and go fix your life.

Re: BYE
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Mar 11 03:54:41 2002 (#14974)

donna we all love you here and dont want you to resort to this...if tonight you have ANY doubts please just stop. and if you start to slip away and are feeling regretful its never too late to call 911 and save yourself. im not going to try to talk you out of it because i know youre set in your mind, but its never to late to bail out of your plans. we love you.

just read this...
Posted by diana on Mon Mar 11 04:45:48 2002 (#14977)

the voice of reason is right... if it is just an attempt it can do some serious damage. im not just saying that, but im saying it because i now have liver damage and kidney failure due to the stupid attemps to kill myself over the past 2 years. this will still stay with me for the rest of my life. The thing that is so sad is that i did that to myself. out of this, i learned that if someone doesn't care about you, then who the fuck needs them? i, you, every1 deserves better then the people around them who bullshit with them.. all you have to do is wait around to find those people who are true to you. How are you going to find those people if you are dead?

Re: just read this...
Posted by She on Mon Mar 11 16:36:21 2002 (#14991)

Diana and The voice of reasoning are right a really close friedn of mine spent a whole fucking year in hospitall on life support cause of an overdose . It hurts yeah but thats gonna hurt a whole lot more luv She

Re: BYE
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Mar 12 02:20:32 2002 (#15023)

Donna, Right now it's all about you, but once you're gone, it's all about the ones you leave behind. Please think about that. Surely there is someone you care about that will forever wonder WHY you did this. It will always be with the loved ones you leave . Call someone for help, even if it has to be 911. You would get help. Please think hard about this before you do it. Take care. Love, RHonda

pure and innocent
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Mar 11 04:04:55 2002 (#14975)

i know this is realyl stupid especiall with everything going on with donna (or the donna's) im not sure. but i was just talking to my friend and he started like getting mad at me because i was depressed and hes like youre so stupid beka just snap out of it or change your friends or something and i just went numb and knew i needed to cut but theres no room right now on my left arm (where i usually cut) cause its completely wrapped in gauze and still bleeding from like monday. but anyways i needed to and so i decided i was going to start on my right arm which ive never done before. so i rolled up my sleeve and grabbed my alcohol treated razor and look down to decide where to start and i just saw my pale milky pure skin untouched by a razor and it just made me cry because it looked so good and innocent and undeserving of this violence and i just sat there crying i dont know why. i cant get over it i just ran my hand up and down my arm because it was so smooth with no bumpy purple scars. the hatred towards myself hadnt been tallied in loathsome blood yet. i attacked my hip instead for the first time cause i really needed to, but i like my arms more and i know someday im going to splatter the innocent pale flesh on my left arm with tears of vicious blood and it makes me so sad. i feel so immature and stupid but it reminds me of a tiny baby oblivious to the evils of the world and of myself and its just so godamn pure and innocent...

Re: pure and innocent
Posted by mego on Mon Mar 11 04:42:01 2002 (#14976)

i love you beka. :) be happy.

Re: pure and innocent
Posted by fallen star on Mon Mar 11 07:50:21 2002 (#14980)

Your friend sounds like he has never been depressed, he doesnt understand you cant just snap out of it just like you cant cure yourself of cancer! I wish both my arms and legs were still pure and innocent. Take care and be careful and try and stay safe

hugs and love heather

Re: pure and innocent
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Mon Mar 11 10:01:09 2002 (#14981)

that was so beautiful

Re: pure and innocent
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 11 18:49:41 2002 (#15000)

I agree, it was beautiful. I also want you to be happy because you make such a difference to everyone on here. take care sweetie x

im the other donna not the donna last nite ok?????
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Mar 11 13:20:49 2002 (#14982)

erm so yeah....woah!!!! wot the hells bin happening over nite!!! well ok im a bit confused ive bin reading all of the posts by donna. erm, well yeah so my post (scared aka donna....called myself that so people wouldnt get confused when i found out there were 2 donnas...erm ooops) my post said that social services were going to tell secret BIG) to my parents! i also said that yeah, the way im feeling right now, i figure im going to have to kill myself at some point sos ot avoid the inevitable! erm some of you talked about social services in your reply to the other donnas msges thinking they were from the same person (i.e. me). erm so yeah i wanted to clarify that. so those mesages last nite were form other donna, whether she has dun the deed or not i do not know and those mesages last nite have made me think twice about my current situaiton, i just do not know. i hope that the other donna is ok and sorry for any confusion created on my part. erm im just in complete shock, the relaity of donna saying she was going to kill herself and the reality of not ever really findin out if she has died or not has put me in complete state of shock. am very confused.

Re: im the other donna not the donna last nite ok?
Posted by fallen star on Mon Mar 11 14:06:53 2002 (#14985)

Please think long and hard before you decide to kill yourself. I dont know how bad your secret is but ive had some huge ones and I dont think there worth killing yourself over, they might make things harder for a while but eventually will blow over.

hugs and love heather

can anyone help me?
Posted by Tracey on Mon Mar 11 13:27:00 2002 (#14983)

i feel such pain and hurt, anger form inside. i don't always know where it comes from. but when i get sad and depressed, i cut my arms. i used to be proud of my scars, but now i'm ashamed of them,coz i think they make me look ugly, i do it more. i try not to, i know i shouldn't, so instead i've smashed stuff up, breaking everything, chairs, doors. my mum gets mad with me, so i just hurt myself. i hate living now, my problems are just getting on top of me, i can't look for good things in my life, only bad. i'm 14.

Re: can anyone help me?
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Mon Mar 11 17:02:48 2002 (#14994)

I wish I could. I hate to hear anyone saying these things (even though i say them myself) especially at your age. u can always email me if you want someone to bitch at who wont judge you ar bitch back at you. :)

Re: can anyone help me?
Posted by Tracey on Mon Mar 11 17:31:02 2002 (#14997)

thanks for respondin to my messg, i'm new here. hope i'll be accepted. thanks.

Re: can anyone help me?
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Mon Mar 11 18:30:36 2002 (#14998)

yeah im *kinda* new here, compared to some. but still i feel like everyone here gets along, because we all have one thing in common that ties us together.nobody here will say to you "you shouldnt cut -thats stupid, why dont you grow up" because we know what its like to have people say that to us (and trust me -we dont like it!) everyone here is kool so of course you will be accepted :)

Re: can anyone help me?
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Mon Mar 11 17:03:13 2002 (#14995)

I wish I could. I hate to hear anyone saying these things (even though i say them myself) especially at your age. u can always email me if you want someone to bitch at who wont judge you or bitch back at you. :)

Re: can anyone help me?
Posted by my bad-posted twice :P on Mon Mar 11 17:05:47 2002 (#14996)

-

Re: can anyone help me?
Posted by Erryn on Tue Mar 12 00:09:30 2002 (#15014)

Hey welcome i will say the same if you need someone to talk to just email me, I started cutting when i was your age and im still doing it 12 yrs later, so i can relate alot xxErryn

Re: can anyone help me?
Posted by Tracey on Tue Mar 12 13:57:16 2002 (#15058)

i'm glad i can talk to people on here, i can't normaly talk to anyone. i'm sorry to hear that your still waiting for help, i hope tara's mum can help you out. i'm sorry i can't. i wouldn't know anyone in your area, i'm form the uk. i wish you good luck, Tracey, xxx

Re: can anyone help me?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Mar 12 02:48:20 2002 (#15029)

Hi Tracey, Welcome to the board. My daughter started cutting when she was 14 and now she is almost 19. It has been almost 9 months since she cut last, so there is hope. Are your parents going to get you some help or do they even know you cut? Sorry for the questions, I'm just nosey I guess. I like to know what is going on in your life so I can get an idea of how to maybe help better. Please let me know how you're doing. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Hello
Posted by fallen star on Mon Mar 11 14:01:33 2002 (#14984)

I thought since ive started posting a bit on here i better introduce myself. Im 21 and i havent cut in a little under a year, i started cutting at about the age of 13 but did other si like biting my gums till they bled when i was much younger. Ive just had a baby boy named Seth who is my whole world and am feeling great and more stable than i have ever felt before. I thought i might be able to talk and try and help anyone who wants it since I am now in a position to mentally. As for my life story well i wont bore you all with that ;)

feel free to email me if you want to talk, im happy to listen :)

take care and stay safe

heather

Re: Hello
Posted by Erry n on Tue Mar 12 00:12:59 2002 (#15015)

Hello and welcome I also have children Im 26 but i still do cut about once a week take care and thanks for being here.xx Erryn

SHIT HELP
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Mar 11 15:01:27 2002 (#14986)

hi so i guess ive decided to write babble again like i laways do! erm, well i wanna tell u bout my day. this morning was fine, you know chillin wiv mate n everything but then came afternoon. i dont like going to some of my lessons well ok i lie, i mean i hate going to all of my lessons and i hardl ever turn up anymore. my mates just think i cant b arsed and thats that but my teachers are gettin realy pissed off. there making me feel really stupid. ive always felt weird and different and everyone alwas makes me feel that way i guess im paranoid. i used to have quite a lot of friends now i only have 1. im such a loner and im ashamed of myself i hate myself for who i am.. ive dun something so bad that i cant control my feelings of hate i hate getting up every morning. so thats why i dont turn up 2 my lessons coz i hate myself so y bother turning up 2 do work theres no point. neway so my teacher rang me today to say that he is pissed off along with everyone else and made me assure him that i will be turning up to lessons from now on. noone likes me there anymore, its making me feel even worse than i already do!! aaarrggghhh! apparently sum flowers are there for me 2day. there from this guy ive bin chattin 2 on internet! ive never met him before but hes sent me flowers, i dont no whether to meet him or not but i feel i have to now so im worrying about that. i got really panicky coz im gunna av2 go to skool and actually make contact wiv sum1 at skool to get my flowers its pathetic. i just wanna curl up and die, hide out at home etc. i dont wanna do any form of socilising, i dont care. i have my exams in 8 weeks (as levels) and i want to quit now. i no thered b no point coz htere nearly thru but i cant cope turning up to skool anymore. it sucks bigtime! im going to college in sept so it wouldnt matter if i didnt do them. i feel really down, lost. i know that no matter what i cant leave school coz that means social services will b gettin in contact wiv my folks!! arrrggghhhh im sooo traped i dont no where to go or who to turn to!! there is noone that will understand what i have done i dont understand i have lied to social services bout stuff and im scared as shit coz soon theyl find out that i lied i need help. i see my shrink 2moro. shud i tell her that ive lied to social services or will she be able to go straight to them and tell them what ive told her??? i dont no what to do help me please anyone who knows a bit about social services and patient confidentiality!!!!!!!! please im trying to find another way out of this mess rather than suicide because i dont wanna leave my sister on her own!!! please!!!! help!!!!!

Re: SHIT HELP
Posted by diana on Mon Mar 11 15:22:47 2002 (#14988)

hey,

can you do me a favor by actually telling me what your big secret is? cause i don't know how to help you if i don't know whats going on..do you get what im saying? im only 15 so its not like im gonna go to social services and fuck things up and tell them shit. if you want, you can email me your secret. if you don't want to tell me at all, then im cool with that too.

OH SHIT AGAIN
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Mar 11 15:22:07 2002 (#14987)

ive lied to too many people, ive got people trusting me believing evrything i say feeling sorry for me. i did it for the attention i guess although i dont think i needed it i got plenty. now i hate myself and it is playing on my consciounce bigtime. too many people have been hurt in all of this and if the truth comes out loadsa people will be hurt when they realise i lied soooo bad. i havent admitted it 2 anyone im in denial. im trying to convince myself that what i said happened happened to try and make me feel better. why did i lie?? why? i hate myself its all his fault!! i hate him so much, if he hadnt have made me feel so uncofortable in his preence, soooo damn uncomfortable in his presence then i wouldnt have dun it!! for years that man has made my life a living hell, having weird dreams/vision type things (but im awake) of him coming into my room and doing things. everytime i saw him i would see the vision, the same goddamn one evry tme it never changed!! i told my aunt bout them 2 years ago........1st she said "i wonder if its because anything happened" meaning were what i was seeing flashbacks and i was only just starting to remember coz i blocked it out all those years......but then she sed after lil pause...."nah its just your brain tellin you to be carefull thats all warning you that hes not exactly the nicest person". i never spoke of them again and then all of a sudden out of nowhere came the lies to make it sound real. to me it was real i wanted other people to think it was real!!!!! im just crazy i no, and i hate myself sooo much but my hate for that man is much much more worse, its almost like ik obsessed. im convinced he did something to me? else where did the visions come from huh? hes driven me to lie tho those that i care about, my friends evryone and also social services who i hate so much!!!!!! the bastards. i want this nightmare to end before its too late. its getting worse and pretty soon the fears will come reality as it iwll be time to either 1) kill myself the easy option. 2)play along with the lie therefore will be lying to my family or 3) admitt evrything.

im too much of a coward to do the latter and im too much of a coward to do the 1st. but i dont no if i cud lie to my mum like tht so i cant do the 2nd. im trapped with nowhere to turn.

Re: OH SHIT AGAIN
Posted by She on Mon Mar 11 16:18:41 2002 (#14990)

Donna how r u today.I was sooo woried about you all day im really glan yo wrote in today . Lots of love She

Re: OH SHIT AGAIN
Posted by wallflower on Tue Mar 12 06:39:23 2002 (#15049)

Jeez I'm really sorry. I know it's shit to feel trapped like that . . . Is there anyone you could confide in who could maybe help you slowly let out the secret? I don't know if that would work, but it's all I can think of. Hang in there though, and tell us how it all works out.

AND FINALLY SOME MORE SHIT
Posted by ignore my babble - my way of sorting stuff out on Mon Mar 11 16:08:24 2002 (#14989)

oh u no what SOD IT!!! im sick of that man controling my life, hes on my mind 24/7 and ive had enouhg of him. ok so i lied a bit about him to social services (or as i lke to call it an extension of the truth) i dont give a damm, its not worth ending my life ovr!!!!!!! its time i sorted myself out. im gunna tell my shrink 2moro all bout the lies and evrything and hope that shell be able to help me. i dont want her to tell social services of late development though so i might just check with her bout patient confidentiality first then if its ok il spill the beans. it still wont change the fact that social services completely believed what i said and are wanting 2 get involved. ny the way i sooooo never told them u no it was the person i originally otld that did that which made my one lie turn into a whole spiders webs worth. oh well, maybe things will get better. maybe they wont say owt to mum amd dad who knows?? ive bought myself some time neway as they said theyl hold off till ive sorted myself out (coz doctor told them of suicidal feelings and self harm)

Re: AND FINALLY SOME MORE SHIT
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Mon Mar 11 16:43:32 2002 (#14992)

im glad you decided to stay with us and get it sorted out...and you're right- its so not worth ending your life over.

Re: AND FINALLY SOME MORE SHIT
Posted by She on Mon Mar 11 16:49:18 2002 (#14993)

HIya

Totaly no person is worth your life And that guy sounds like a compleat creep so he definatly isnt worth it. Im so proud of the way ouve pulled through from yesterday.Well done see you soon Luv She

Re: AND FINALLY SOME MORE SHIT
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 11 18:54:54 2002 (#15001)

hey sweetie. I hope you're ok. I've not been around for a few days and I feel so bad for not being there when all this stuff has been going on for people. I'm so glad you've pulled yourself back from the edge. I've been there loads of times and I nearly lost my best friend so I know how much it hurts. e mail me if you wanna talk ok? love n stuff, el x

to everyone
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 11 19:06:10 2002 (#15002)

hey guys. I've not been around for a few days, my computer was down. Shit, I hope everyone's ok. I've been reading some of the posts I've missed and they made me feel really bad. I care about everyone on here and I don't want any of you to feel so down. I know that you wouldn't be on here if you didn't, but you know what I mean - I hope.

Anyway, things are pretty much falling apart for me at the moment. I'm not gonna say my goodbyes on here yet, but I've seriously considered it these past coupla days. It's weird how much I rely on the board. In a way it's keeping me sane. My parents are treating me like shit because they found out I still cut. If dad didn't have such a public job - he's on tv and stuff, then I swear they'd disown me but as it is they keep on pretending we're a happy family. fuck. they screwed me up in the first place, mum's an alcoholic manic depressive, and dad, well he's just never around. I pretty much had to bring up my bro n sis on my own these past few years.

God I'm so sorry for rambling like this when some of you are going through so much shit. I just needed to let some of this out. I hope you're all ok. take care people. love you all. x

Re: to everyone
Posted by Erryn on Tue Mar 12 22:37:35 2002 (#15073)

Hey thanks for being here, i think we all relate because we cut and talk about dying im glad i could come here. thanks for everything xx Erryn

Alternitives
Posted by She on Mon Mar 11 19:12:09 2002 (#15003)

Hiya

Im pritty new here so i hope no one minds me posting ,but every thing seams to be really crazy round here at the moment.We all probably cat those times when you think fuck it .And the only way i can deal with it is to cut deap and that usually gets messy and i end up in hospital which is anoying. So dose n e one know of any alternititives for when you feel like that. heres a few that can work 4 me some times -Using my razor to cut into some play doe -stroking animals -looking at pics of my brother (or n e one who cears about me ) -rolling a joint its kinnda relaxing watching all the smoke leave your body its like ur blowing ur feelings away .

ok well i hope these may be a little helpfull to someone love She

Re: Alternitives
Posted by fallen star on Tue Mar 12 01:16:34 2002 (#15020)

One that worked for me when I cut was ice, especially if you cut for pain. You just see how long you can hold it against your wrist, it kills after a while and leaves a pink/red mark, i also visualised the water from it melting being blood. Riping paper is also good when your angry and want to cut or a computer game to keep your mind off cutting for a bit so you can calm down a little and not cut as bad or not at all.

Hope they help you a bit

hugs and love Heather

Re: Alternitives
Posted by She on Tue Mar 12 19:34:47 2002 (#15063)

Yeah there really good ideas I like the one about the ice I'll try that . Thanx Lots of love She

blood red tears
Posted by Rissa on Mon Mar 11 20:12:23 2002 (#15005)

I wonder if this will ever stop. I am not sleeping anymore I always have dangourus dreams. I never get a minute of peace. I wish I knew how to stop. sometimes I think that this will kill me I need someone to talk to about this. is anyone out there I am crying blood red tears and no one seems to notice. or care

Re: blood red tears
Posted by ella on Mon Mar 11 21:19:29 2002 (#15008)

hey, i dont know much about SI but i know the feeling you must be going through. i just wanted to say that even if im no help to you i still care that youre alright because i hate seeing anyone upset...it makes me feel even lower! so if it helps at all just know that someone cares :) love ella

Re: blood red tears
Posted by She on Mon Mar 11 23:02:16 2002 (#15011)

Hiya

I know what its like at night , Through the day you usually have distractions to keep your mind away from reality and memories but yeah when its quiet its sometimes like a load of shit memories flowing through ur mind . I've suffer really badley from insomnia and there are some really good pills /Herbal remerdies that are soo good .However its really hard to get hold of them if you self harm,but u can get Kava kava root ,pills from health shops which are really good. Hope that helps a little

Re: blood red tears
Posted by mego on Tue Mar 12 00:22:20 2002 (#15018)

we all care, and we all notice. sometimes, its just hard to try and help everyone with their problems, when there are so many of us, and we are still trying to figure ourselves out, you know?? not that we don't want to help, most of us love to. it helps me to know i'm helping someone else, almost like its something left to hang on to. i dont know if this is making any sense. before i started posting here, i had no one. yeah, my family and friends are always here, but they dont know what really goes on, they could never understand. just keep posting, we'll try to help out every chance we get. good luck. you can write me talk to me whenever you need to (on AIM megox182x and on hotmail or msn mego11686@msn.com).

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

need advice on how to help my friend
Posted by ella on Mon Mar 11 21:15:50 2002 (#15007)

Hi, i recently found out that my friend has started to self harm again and feels so low that she has considered ending her life. i have read loads about SI but i dont know how to bring it up with her or how to help her, without her thinking im just being annoying or partronizing. PLEASE can anyone give me some advice because i need to help her, she means so much to me, and i dont think she will be around for much longer if i dont help her because i am the ONLY person she talks to! Sorry if you get a lot of this kinda stuff but i dont know where else to go for help. love ella

Re: need advice on how to help my friend
Posted by She (again) on Mon Mar 11 23:12:55 2002 (#15012)

hiya

wow I've never been in ur situation. Guess its pritty hard for you as well as her. Well i gess your helping her one hell of alot by just being there for her in the first place.She obviosly trusts you allot by telling you how she feels. It might be nice if you could ask her if she wants any help with anything . I used to have a close friend who came to see my srink with me which was really nice . I really cant think of much right now but i'll think some more through my borring lessons tomorrow and get back to you. Ohh ok just thourght of something ,why dont you give her this web page , Its really nice to talk to some poeple that may understand you a little so that could help her.

Good luck Luv She

Re: need advice on how to help my friend
Posted by Erryn on Tue Mar 12 01:28:53 2002 (#15022)

Hey it is great that you are such a great friend to want to help her. i have a friend like you and i value her quite alot. just stick by her, if anyone else finds out people tend to be mean she will need you beside her all the time, just be there good luck and take care of both of you xxErryn

Re: need advice on how to help my friend
Posted by mego on Tue Mar 12 02:31:23 2002 (#15024)

chances are that she just isnt gonna bring it up, so you'll have to. shell probably be grateful, and you wont be annoying. just let her know that you wont stop her from cutting, but you do care about her and that you'll always be there for her, no matter what shes going through. dont act like you understand everything, if she doesnt want to talk about specific things, dont push it. just try to spend as much time as you can with her and call her every once in a while, just to check in. the more she knows you care about her, the better she'll feel. if you have any questions or need to talk, write to me or we can talk over AIM (megox182x) or if you have msn or hotmail or whatever, its the same as my address. good luck!!

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

hi people
Posted by Tracey on Mon Mar 11 21:55:37 2002 (#15009)

Im Tracey, i posted a message on the board. i only started reading them yesterday, but i have already found that i can relate to you guys. its very helpfull comin here, but i dont want to intrued. i have been self harmin for about a year now. im on a waitin list to see a counsilor, but they sadi it could take months. i feel like im goin mad. i hope you guys gettin better.

Re: hi people
Posted by Erryn on Tue Mar 12 00:17:52 2002 (#15017)

Hey Tracey I have been coming here for a couple weeks, You are defaintly not intruding because the more people to take to the better. Its great to find so many people to relate to. still waiting for help though take care xx Erryn

Re: hi people
Posted by mego on Tue Mar 12 02:41:12 2002 (#15026)

youre not intruding, youre welcome here. we'll be glad to have you. if youre ever having problems, feel free to post, or write to me or talk if were ever online (AIM its megox182x, otherwise its the same as my address) good luck!

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: hi people
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Mar 12 02:44:06 2002 (#15027)

Hi Tracey, I posted to you above. Why are you on a waiting list? Is he or she the only one around? Ask your parents if they can find someone else to help you. Don't worry about intruding here. Everyone is welcome to talk. Take care of yourself and let me know how you are doing. Love, Rhonda

am i?
Posted by anonomous..well sorta but cant bear to say my name on Mon Mar 11 23:21:35 2002 (#15013)

would you think i was a bad perosn if: you new that i had been touched up by man twice, constantly makes me feel uncomfortable and is always flirtin wiv mum and hes reason y i dint go c my grandad coz he was ther, who then later died (my grandad)

well would you fink i was bad person if coz of hatred 4 him i extended the truth n told people hed dun it more than twice (exaggerated) n that my excuse is cozza all of above and that i wantd 2 explain how much i hated him to people but feared that theyd fink i was pathetic so extended truth??

i hate myself for it now, n i maybe forced into tellin mum bout him but wot wud i say......the lie or the truth.

i hate myself n can hardly bear to live wiv self for making it up (saying hed dun it for 3 or 4 years wen only dun twice) i blame him for my grandads death, i hate him.

am i evil??

Re: am i?
Posted by fallen star on Tue Mar 12 01:26:06 2002 (#15021)

No i dont think your evil, I think he is evil. Even if it only happened twice its still very wrong of him and is no way your fault. Can you tell your councelor about the dreams, maybe get her to explain to social services that it feels like years because of the flash backs from the few times he did that, im sure they will understand and wont be mad at you. Just remember what he did was wrong and your not to blame.

I can understand why you wouldnt want to be around him and that made you not go see your grandad, ive been in similar situations and im sure your grandad would understand if he knew.

take care

hugs and love heather

Re: am i?
Posted by mego on Tue Mar 12 02:48:04 2002 (#15028)

i agree with heather. he was wrong, not you. maybe you shouldn't have exaggerated it, that only caused more complications, but theres nothing you can do about it now, and at least you know you shouldnt have done it. its not your fault what he did to you, you need to get help for it. he was so wrong, you didnt deserve any of it. youre not evil, youre not wrong.

hi
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 12 02:33:32 2002 (#15025)

hey. is anyone in here. i was just wonderin. idk i just wanted sumone to talk to. no one is online so i was just seein if anyone was in here to talk. take care. lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: hi
Posted by mego on Tue Mar 12 02:50:33 2002 (#15030)

i'm here now, but youre probably gone

Re: hi
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Mar 12 02:52:12 2002 (#15031)

Hey, I'm here also. If you want to talk, email me. That way, the little bell pops up and I'll know. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: hi
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 12 02:54:41 2002 (#15032)

no i'm not gone

Re: hi
Posted by fallen star on Tue Mar 12 03:00:34 2002 (#15034)

Hi scaredinthedark We are here ready for when you want to talk, or you can email me to if you like :)

hugs and love Heather

Re: hi
Posted by mego on Tue Mar 12 03:03:53 2002 (#15035)

i wish i was gone...

Re: hi
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 12 03:06:46 2002 (#15037)

yea so do i but unfortunately we're not.

Re: hi
Posted by mego on Tue Mar 12 03:09:38 2002 (#15038)

i want to be driving right now, in nice weather, music on, cigarette in my hand, tounge pierced, going to get some of my friends for a party...

Re: hi
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 12 03:12:19 2002 (#15039)

yea that'd be cool but i can't drive yet. in august i'll get my permit. i'm just a baby. lol. but i'd love to be somewhere but here right now

Re: hi
Posted by fallen star on Tue Mar 12 03:31:47 2002 (#15041)

I cant drive either, im 21 i really should get round to doing the test.

i have a tongue piercing by the way.

why do you both want to be gone? i dont want you to be gone

hugs and love Heather

Re: hi
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 12 03:37:16 2002 (#15042)

idk but i want to be gone cause i hate my life. it sux soooo bad and cause i'm bored and the town i live in has nuthin to do. i don't wanna be at home right now. idk oh well right

Re: hi
Posted by fallen star on Tue Mar 12 03:47:22 2002 (#15045)

It wont suck forever, life does change and get better. I use to want to be gone, tried a few times to go but now im glad i never did because my life has got better and i would have missed out on so many wonderful things. I know things get hard but you have to keep fighting.

hugs and love Heather

Re: hi
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 12 21:16:22 2002 (#15067)

thanks for the incite

Re: hi
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 12 03:04:12 2002 (#15036)

hi thanks idk if i should email you though cause if you try to email me back it won't work. i'd hafta add yur email adress to my email contacts list. i will though. and then i'll im you. i hafta get my mom to do it. thanks for talkin to me. lots of love scaredinthedark

to everyone!
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Mar 12 03:25:10 2002 (#15040)

hey guys i dont have anything particular on my mind right now...but i was just realizing there lots of new peoples on the board now and a lot of people who have been here longer than myself, but i just wanted to say that for all of you out there whether you cut or know someone that cuts i welcome you all to add me to your buddy list (KoFFeyBeaN) if you ever need to talk. i really want to help any of you who want it. luv always!

Re: to everyone!
Posted by She on Tue Mar 12 19:46:13 2002 (#15064)

thanx;o)

just me talkin outta my ass
Posted by mego on Tue Mar 12 03:40:51 2002 (#15043)

my mom took one of my razors, its alright, i have more. i drug one across my hand, to see if it was sharp enough. i was used to cutting with a duller razor, so it cut my hand pretty deep. that was on saturday, and it started bleeding again this morning, its infected now. but its okay. i'm kinda liking it, how its all swollen and a purpleish black around it. its on my right hand, and doesnt affect much i do, except picking things up, but thats alright. the best part is i can look down at it and see it whenever i want, and people think i was cutting up an apple and accidentially cut myself doing that. its a good feeling, but i'm kinda tired. actually, i'm really fucking tired so i think i'm gonna try and take a cigarette, and if i cant, i'm goin to bed. goodnight. i dont know what the point of this was, just want to feel like someone can hear me, or know whats going on. i dont know, i'm talking outta my ass, i gotta get to bed. night.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: just me talkin outta my ass
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 12 03:43:07 2002 (#15044)

good night mego. talk to ya lata. lol. lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: just me talkin outta my ass
Posted by fallen star on Tue Mar 12 03:53:32 2002 (#15046)

Be careful with that infection, keep it clean and covered and put some antiseptic stuff on it. Ive had to go on antibiotics before when a cut got infected and its not good, please if it gets bad go to the doctors.

hugs and love Heather

Re: just me talkin outta my ass
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Mar 12 04:32:14 2002 (#15047)

you mean you didnt tell people i tried to sacrifice you to the bud god?!?!? im ashamed mego!! lol jk. chica be careful!!! god knows i know how much fun sharp razors can be....but try testing them on like a text book or something....lol. i love you!!!!

Re: just me talkin outta my ass
Posted by Erryn on Wed Mar 13 00:54:54 2002 (#15079)

hey just be careful with those razors i got hepatitis from one and was really sick for weeks take care xxERRYN

is the secret out?
Posted by wallflower on Tue Mar 12 06:47:08 2002 (#15050)

Hey you guys. I was just wondering if there's anyone here who's parents haven't found out yet. I mean, I've been cutting for about 2 and a half years, and my parents still don't know. Most of my friends don't know anymore either because I told them I stopped. Hearing all you guys talk about how your parents get mad when they find out you're still cutting makes me feel like I'm the only one who's never been found out. Am I the only one left hiding?

Re: is the secret out?
Posted by fallen star on Tue Mar 12 08:12:33 2002 (#15051)

I was cutting for at least 6years before my parents found out. Parents can see what they want and ignore what they dont, I think its something they dont want to believe could be happening to there kids everyone wants happy stable kids. Thats why i think there usually the last to find out, they just dont want to see that there kids are unhappy. Friends are similar, they hear what they want most of the time. Its hard hiding something so big like that, i found it was always good if one friend knew, one that you can talk to about it a little as it takes some of the stress and stuff off you.

take care and stay safe Heather

Re: is the secret out?
Posted by She on Tue Mar 12 19:56:21 2002 (#15065)

Urmm My pearents found out a few years ago cause they had to discharge me from hospitall and i couldnt think of any good excuses.Its was really hard cause i had to worry about them worrying about me .My mother got very angry told me how selfish I was ,and cut herself infront of me and asked me how i felt about that. But know they think i've stopped . They will NEVER find out again and I dont think they woud care now n e way ( we have a none vocal relationship )I think the only one who knows if my brother whos really understanding and helpfull. Hes the only one I stay aroung for . Love She

Re: is the secret out?
Posted by Erryn on Tue Mar 12 22:50:08 2002 (#15074)

I have been doing it for 11 years and my parents dont know and i dont intend to tell them it is none of their business, stay safe xx Erryn

Re: is the secret out?
Posted by wallflower on Wed Mar 13 03:33:14 2002 (#15086)

Jeez! She cut herself in front of you?? I wouldn't be able to handle that. I've never done anything serious enough to end up in the hospital . . . so I don't really know how my parents would find out. Anyway, I totally know what you guys mean about having just one friend to open up to about it. I told all my friends who already knew that I quit, and then told this one guy in the hopes that he could be supportive. He wasn't unsupportive really, but he didn't know what to say. I kinda wish I hadn't told him in the first place. But it's still a better feeling having someone you can talk to when you need.

Re: is the secret out?
Posted by Steph on Sun Mar 17 05:09:40 2002 (#15299)

I think sometimes people know but they just don't want to pry. Sometimes they don't know what to say.

need input!!
Posted by tc on Tue Mar 12 08:45:42 2002 (#15052)

hey all...me and a friend of mine are trying to put some poems and shit to music so if you have poetry or anything we'd love to put some of it to music...i've seen some of the stuff you've written and it's beautiful i just can't seem to find any of it right now. thanks! love and peace

Re: need input!!
Posted by fallen star on Tue Mar 12 09:02:30 2002 (#15053)

what kinda of poems would you like? what length?

ive written lots but im not sure what kinds your looking for or if mine are sutible

but id love to hear them to music if you like them, just let me know what your looking for :)

hugs and love Heather

Re: need input!!
Posted by tc on Tue Mar 12 09:15:01 2002 (#15054)

anything and everything!! whatever you have that's from the heart would be great! if we come up with anything good we'll find some way for you guys to get a hold of it!

Re: need input!!
Posted by wallflower on Wed Mar 13 03:45:48 2002 (#15088)

Heh . . . I don't know that this could be put to music at all, but I think it's awfully funny anyway. I wrote this while sitting in Chemestry (I was supposed to be taking notes . . . heh, yeah right). Enjoy!

IN THE TREE:

Let's go handing in the tree. It'll be just you and me. Fear can bring out all the best. We'll be stronger than the rest. No one ever needs to know. Show them that our smiles won't go. We will feel like we can fly. Here it comes now, just don't cry. Death is in our eyes so clear. It's time to take us down from here.

Re: need input!!
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 12 21:31:33 2002 (#15068)

yea i agree. i've written a couple. just type back on here or im me (sassycggurl) and tell me. i'll give you sum to see if they can be made to music. lots of love scaredinthedark

still tryin to help my friend
Posted by ella on Tue Mar 12 10:16:12 2002 (#15055)

hey thanks everybody who bothered to answer my post because you all gave me some really good ideas and they were good. i went over to hers and we had a little chat but nothing to deep and personal but she started to open up and im so proud of her, it was great.i feel so much better knowing that you guys dont mind me asking you bout stuff cuz i didnt know who to turn to and she is my ONLY true friend.is there anything that would help her immediately or ne other good ideaas for what to do?? thanks again for all your help, i was gettin desperate and it wasnt looking good for me either...im a bit depressive at times, espes when i feel like i cant help. love ella x

Re: still tryin to help my friend
Posted by fallen star on Tue Mar 12 12:53:15 2002 (#15056)

Sorry i dont have the site off hand but i know there are a few that have really good lists of alternatives to cutting and distractions, stuff like holding ice on your arm which hurt really bad and makes a red mark but isnt dangerous or physically damaging. I and other friends ive given them to have found them helpful so if its possible you could give her a copy of them. She is very lucky to have such a caring friend looking out for her :)

hugs and love Heather

Re: still tryin to help my friend
Posted by ella on Tue Mar 12 13:10:55 2002 (#15057)

thanks for that advice. it is helping a lot. i still am scared on how to talk to her cuz i dont want to aggravate it more and i dont want her to think im just ignoring it either. i dont want to disrespect anyone in this site but sometimes i feel really depressed after readin some of the messages and i dont want to give her the address for this site and then have her get even more depressed...i dont know... but i have depression probs and i felt really low after reading some things on here...am i being silly in thinking she will get more depressed from reading a lot of the stories on this site?please write back. love ella x

Re: still tryin to help my friend
Posted by fallen star on Tue Mar 12 14:31:38 2002 (#15059)

No you dont sound silly, its very easy to be triggered by some of the posts. For me when i first went on the internet to a msg board like this it was hard to not get triggered but also good in that it made me feel not so alone, i wasnt the only one cutting. Sometimes when i was still cutting it was hard to resist cutting after reading about it but sometimes people helped talk me out of. So either way there are good and bad points to giving her the url for here. You could just mention there are support pages around and wether she looks or not is up to her. Do her parents know she cuts? Does she have a therapist or councellor she can talk to at all? Sometimes being able to talk to a professional can help because they wont trigger her like it might her.

just my thoughts and experiences, hope they help a bit

hugs and love Heather

Re: still tryin to help my friend
Posted by ella on Tue Mar 12 15:28:35 2002 (#15060)

hiya,

i know i keep saying it but thanks for all the help youre giving me, ive never really had anyone thats wanted to help me let alone help me help someone they dont even know..it means a lot.

i will suggest the sites to her cuz im sure she would be willing to look and if she isnt then i havent really lost much have i? her parents dont know a thing and its gone on for years...they know that shes upset sometimes but no where near to the extent that she is! she has a counselor but doesnt like her cuz shes a bit hard to talk to apparently and so she always cancels but doesnt know how to ask for someone else. i think she wants to get help cuz she is doing all this on her own but sometimes just wants to give up and then im her only support line and im not always able to be around for her...and i hate that!so im tryin my best, i hope it works. love ella x

scaredinthedark
Posted by Tracey on Tue Mar 12 22:19:13 2002 (#15069)

have you got msn, coz i tryed adding it wont let me, can i have your addi please, if you have it. thanks :) hope your ok love Tracey

Re: scaredinthedark
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 12 22:25:28 2002 (#15070)

yea but i don't have msn i have aol. it's sassycggurl@aol.com. i'm alright. take care. lots of love scaredinthedark

Re: scaredinthedark
Posted by Tracey on Tue Mar 12 22:33:22 2002 (#15071)

thanks, hows your day been today? take care, love Tracey xxx

Re: scaredinthedark
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 12 22:35:56 2002 (#15072)

it's been ok. i'm bored as hell though. there is like nothing to do and the only person on is not talking to me. how has your day been?? scaredinthedark

Re: scaredinthedark
Posted by Tracey on Tue Mar 12 23:17:59 2002 (#15075)

mines been ok ish, i didnt go to school today or yesterday, i had a sore throat. yeah im pretty board too. i have to go tomorrow though. :( Tracey

Re: scaredinthedark
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 12 23:22:05 2002 (#15076)

yea i hate school. i think the only reason i like it is to see my friends before and after school and at lunch. i have sum good friends. i'm sorry i hope you fell better to go though. that's cool. me and my mom took last thursday off. like a day off from life. we went to the mall and did nuthin productive all day. it was fun. i hope you fell better soon. scaredinthedark

Re: scaredinthedark
Posted by Tracey on Tue Mar 12 23:53:27 2002 (#15078)

i have some brill friends too, but also some not so brill friends.

yeah i fake being ill sometimes/ most of the time. i cant be bothered with school half the time, crap grades.

my throats a lil better, caugh syrup, yum!

hugs Tracey xxx

Re: scaredinthedark
Posted by scaredinthedark on Thu Mar 14 02:38:50 2002 (#15151)

lol haha is the cough syrup that yummy. lol j/k. sorry. 2 of my friends told the school psychologist i cut. i wanna know who it is so i can ask them about it. i wish no one knew. my parents took everything away from me. i have nothing to cut with. i'm so mad. i just need sumthin. i'm goin crazy on the only friends i've got and they don't know what to do about it. idk. well hope you had a good day. lots of love. scaredinthedark

had a bad day!!!!
Posted by Erryn on Wed Mar 13 01:09:49 2002 (#15080)

Hey guys Today was a bad day, i went to work and this girl kept saying that i was pyscho and people that want to kill themselves are pyscho, this kinda hurt my feelings so i told my line lead they dont care, i want to beat her up so bad, im so sick of everyone judging the outside and not the inside, so while i was in the shower and my kids were watching blues clues i cut about 250 times so i guess i will be wearing long sleeves tommorrow. i dont know what to do, hope everyone elses day went okay take care xxxErryn

Re: had a bad day!!!!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Mar 13 02:05:07 2002 (#15083)

Take care of your cuts honey and give your kids a hug for me. Are you sick of Blues Clues yet? I run a day care in my home and the kids all love that show. I'm sick of it!! Oh well, I'll get over it. Take care of your self. Love, Rhonda

Re: had a bad day!!!!
Posted by mego on Wed Mar 13 03:56:48 2002 (#15089)

yeah, i hear that about every day. how sick it is that people cut themselves. it sucks, pisses me off too. i hope you feel better. i was thinking about me and my mom and how we dont get along, and how things used to be with us. appreciate your kids while they're little and still believe that you can fix everything. give them a hug for me.

Re: had a bad day!!!!
Posted by Tracey on Wed Mar 13 16:49:53 2002 (#15102)

please dont ever think your a pyscho, your not! you cant help the way you feel, and those that say you are, are lucky that their not going through what you are. i wish people could judge me by the inside and not the outside too. take care, love Tracey, give yourself and your kids a hug from me too.

Re: had a bad day!!!!
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 13 18:29:06 2002 (#15110)

I'm sorry. people can be so closed minded and cruel sometimes. I get that all the time. I wish I was little again. Your kids will probably be smothered by hugs by now, but give them one from me too. if they grow up anything like you then they'll be special people. take care. x x

Re: had a bad day!!!!
Posted by Steph on Sun Mar 17 05:20:37 2002 (#15301)

I have 2 little girls too. Don't beat yourself up for what you do. You are not alone. Your kids know that you love them.

My girls see my cuts, and they don't even say anything anymore. They are used to seeing my arms like that. It's not good.

I am trying to stop. It has been a week since I have cut. I have started scratching a lot though and I am worried that it is another way to self harm. I scratched my feet until the skin came off. I have these huge ugly scabs now.

I don't know yet if this is self-harm. It's definately not as enjoyable as seeing the blood from my wrists, but I have signed a contract with my therapist that I will call him before I cut. Then when I call, he talks me out of it.

fuck the bullshit
Posted by c on Wed Mar 13 01:15:44 2002 (#15081)

fuck it...fuck it all...bullshit...people are all bullshit...i hate everyone...most of all myself....i hate my boyfriend, even more my "friends"...fuck'um. ..get the fuck out of my life...i can't keep feeling like this...i'm running around in circles in my head and i can't keep up with myself...friends are so fake...they pretend to care but nobody wants to be around when you suffer....i just "bring them down"...fuck'em...i'll think i'll go for a drive...and just keep driving...never stop...not even if the road ends..i don't want to feel like this...i feel like i'm falling forever, my neverending hole...helplessly spinning out of control...voices tell me to fuck it...just let it all go and give it up...you don't need friends...they'll only hurt you in the end...how could they like me if i don't like me....i wanna go away...go far away...where it doesn't hurt anymore.................... i think i'll go for a drive....goodbye and thank you

Re: fuck the bullshit
Posted by Erryn on Wed Mar 13 02:29:01 2002 (#15085)

I wish i could tell you that it would be okay but who am i to say just take care of yourself and write back xxErryn

Re: fuck the bullshit
Posted by mego on Wed Mar 13 04:06:01 2002 (#15091)

hope you end up coming back, i'd miss you.

Re: fuck the bullshit
Posted by wallflower on Wed Mar 13 06:20:40 2002 (#15096)

I know you don't want to hear this most likely, but that sounds exactly like what i wrote in my diary once. Almost word for word. I'm sorry that things aren't going well though.

Re: fuck the bullshit
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 13 18:24:40 2002 (#15109)

I know what you mean. take care. x

Donna?
Posted by a friend on Wed Mar 13 01:26:22 2002 (#15082)

anyone heard from Donna recently?

Re: Donna?
Posted by Erryn on Wed Mar 13 02:25:07 2002 (#15084)

I havent but donna if your there i hope your okay please respond back xxErryn

Re: Donna?
Posted by wallflower on Wed Mar 13 03:39:51 2002 (#15087)

Yeah, I feel really bad that the last things I said to her weren't very nice. All I can think now is "Donna is dead." I hate not knowing for sure. I can't concentrate. Please, if anyone else is gonna commit suicide, don't tell us. If you wanna say goodbye's I can understand that, but you don't have to tell us you're killing yourself. You could tell us we're appreciated without telling us you'll never see us again, and we won't have to feel guilty just because there's nothing we can do. I know it's stupid to feel guilty, but I can't help it.

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