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Threads 3651 to 3700

Tara's Mom
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Sat Mar 2 16:06:19 2002 (#14611)

ummm... i have been reading thru some of the posts that were posted before I joined, and i just felt like saying...

"golly gosh, gee whiz...what a swell lady!"

its so nice that you are here :o)

Re: Tara's Mom
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Mar 2 21:57:36 2002 (#14626)

Thank you. I try not to be to much of a pest. Sometimes I get on a soapbox and start rattling off stuff,so I hope I don't get on anyone's nerves too much. Take care and know that I'm always here for any of you. Love, Rhonda

Re: Tara's Mom
Posted by DiStUrBdFrEaK on Tue Mar 5 00:22:09 2002 (#14698)

I wanna agree!!! Thanx Tara's Mom respect xxx

Re: Tara's Mom
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 5 16:29:53 2002 (#14722)

yeah, me too! i sure wish I had a mom like you

Re: Tara's Mom
Posted by She on Fri Mar 8 16:51:35 2002 (#14865)

Yeah i agree It nice that ur round for peeps .

Re: Tara's Mom
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Mar 9 11:48:29 2002 (#14898)

You are all so right, I think Tara is very very lucky to have a mum who understands. Perhaps you should tell her that you have your own fan club on the net, I hope you have a cool mothers day 2moro!

A really good book
Posted by Matt on Sat Mar 2 17:43:32 2002 (#14615)

I was at Target the other day and i saw a book called "Cut" by Patricia McCormick. It had a black cover, the title was very plain, and behind the title were 3 random red lines. It was in the "teen/adolescent" section so right away i thought it must be about (what ill refer to, simply as) "the thing" so i picked it up and sure enough it was about it. Its a story abouta 15 year old girl who is in inpatient care at a "residential treatment facility," it follows her through her thoughts and it is a truly great book. I really like it and can totally relate, i urge you all to get it, its very good...

ill stop bothering everyone now.

Re: A really good book
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sat Mar 2 18:57:49 2002 (#14619)

yeah that does sound good! ive heard "bright red screams" or something like that is supposed to be really good too.

Re: A really good book
Posted by scaredinthedark on Sat Mar 2 19:44:19 2002 (#14621)

hey matt. i read that book too and it was a good book. i borrowed it from my public library but still i liked it. it realy does help a little i think. it did for me. that's cool that other people have found it too. i didn't know if anyone heard of that book. well gotta go. love ya lots. scaredinthedark

Re: A really good book
Posted by *me* on Sun Mar 3 03:22:52 2002 (#14641)

My friend was reading that book - it kinda freaked me out bc she doesn't know I cut and ... you know ... it sort of took me by surprise! Anyway, ever since then I've wanted to check it out (even though my friend claimed that it was "unrealistic" - like she would know what realistic was for a cutter!!!)

Re: A really good book
Posted by eleanor on Sun Mar 3 19:45:55 2002 (#14661)

thanx for putting that on the board. I've never found any books about cutting before but I'll keep a look out for that. hope you're ok. love eleanor x x

Re: A really good book
Posted by erryn on Mon Mar 4 02:40:48 2002 (#14671)

Hey I just finished the book Wed it was great i would read it a hundred times

Love Erryn

more "poetry"
Posted by wallflower on Sat Mar 2 19:20:09 2002 (#14620)

I WANT IT I want you, Even though you hurt me. I like the way I feel; The pain you give. I want to be wrong. I want that baracade that they put up when they see me. I love it when my hand shakes. Out of control, No one can stop me.

I DON'T CARE Shove me in the closet. Put me in my place. Make me feel unwanted, No matter what the price. I don't care who you are. I don't care how it's done. I must be put away, Before I hurt myself. I feel the verbal abuse. I see emotional stress. I don't care what else happens. Life's such a fucking mess.

Re: more "poetry"
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sat Mar 2 21:43:42 2002 (#14624)

i really like it! i have a question though...im assuming you cut but you said you love it when your hand shakes...is that what youre talking about? when you do it your hand shakes? i know i sound like an idiot, but whenever i do that my hand starts shakin like crazy. i thought i was just a little wuss. but that happens to you guys too?

Re: more "poetry"
Posted by wallflower on Sun Mar 3 00:35:20 2002 (#14635)

Yes, sometimes my hand does shake. It's because I'm scared . . . I don't really know why it is. Sometimes I get really freaked out by what I've just done and my hand shakes. I love it though. I love the adrenaline rush of it. My hand also shakes when I'm really upset . . . and that usually involves cutting too.

best friend.....needs help
Posted by britt on Sat Mar 2 20:50:52 2002 (#14623)

hi,my friend cut herself when shes depressed mostly on her wrist.i just wish i understood more of what she going through i love her with all my heart.she told me helps to realese the pain she trys to stop but i know she cant help herself.can anyone help understand my bff?

Re: best friend.....needs help
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sat Mar 2 21:52:41 2002 (#14625)

im glad you came here to find out more about your friend! it really shows you care. i dont know how much i can contribute but everyone here will help as much as possible! everyone cuts for different reasons but for the "release" your friend is talking about is the most common reason. it just feels better....than anything else. i dont know what it is about it but it just focuses you and it feels spectacular, it makes everything OK when before it was pure chaos and pain. of course its only a temporary release thats why you have to do it over and over. its really hard to understand unless youve experienced it and it just sounds so weird that making gashes in your skin could feel so awesome, but what can i say, it just does. i dont know how much that helped, but what i can advise you to do is not smother her about it, like dont ask her everyday did you cut last night?? and stuff. its SUCH a delicate subject and i know for me its incredibly embarassing to talk about. if she brings it up though its a huge deal that shes starting to talk about it so you should try your best to give her your full attention cause talking about it is probably the hardest thing she'll ever do. dont make her show them to you unless she wants to either. i would die if someone saw my arms and figured it out. anyways, i hope that helps i cant think of anything else to say, but if you have any questions at all feel free to IM me (KoFFeyBeaN) or email me, my email is up above.

Re: best friend.....needs help
Posted by mego on Sat Mar 2 23:05:20 2002 (#14631)

stay here for a while, read some of the posts. it might help. i'm gonna try to explain, it might not make much sense.

its like, you're stressed out, upset, have a headache, whatever. when you cut, it seems to go away, or at least subside a little bit. it works like a cigarette for someone who has had a bad day, only ten times stronger. right afterwards, you can feel all your muscles relax and nothing seems as bad as it was before you cut. its how i fall asleep at night, how i keep from thinking about too much shit.

thats as good as i can describe it. any questions, you can send me some mail or im me (megox182x for aim, for hotmail or msn mego11686@msn.com)

other board - www.psyke.org
Posted by kae on Sat Mar 2 23:43:10 2002 (#14632)

hey...another board was created a while back and everyone started posting on that...but somehow, we're all back on this one! I think theres some new ones who havent heard of it...its www.psyke.org and its got a chat and everything. But hardly anyone posts there anymore!!

maybe I'll see some of you there...cya, kae

Should i tell my mam???
Posted by DiStUrBdFrEaK on Sun Mar 3 00:16:01 2002 (#14634)

Hi, iv only been cutting for about 2 weeks but it seems like years, it REALLY does. I always think about it instead of suicide. I cut about 2-5 times a day with glass, scissors or if i can, a knife. I just cant stop. 1 of my friends know b/c she was saying she beats herself up so she kinda got it outta me when i sat shaking. We decided i needed to get help so i told a teacher who may hav to tell my parents, but thatd kill them. My mam, sister and sunty are all on depressants and theyd be so disapointed in me. My boyfriend also was a cutter for a few years and told me i should stop now b4 its too late and i need to tell my mam so we can see the doctor about a councellor or sumic. I duno if i want her knowing b/c she mite check my arms eveyday and stuff whichd make things worse and id prolly be more frustrated and therefore do it more. I cannot win, but i want her to know so she can help me. I dont want to stop, but i want to want to stop, thats why i want help, does that make sense? Plz post back, love D FrEaK xxx

Re: Should i tell my mam???
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sun Mar 3 00:47:45 2002 (#14636)

i think you should tell her. when you tell her though just say "mom, please dont try to make me stop. i want to stop, but i need your help, not your control." or something like that i donno. but i think if you want to tell her then you definitely should.

Re: Should i tell my mam???
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Mar 3 16:19:18 2002 (#14651)

Hi, I think you should try and tell her. Maybe your boyfriend could help you. NOt that he would have to tell her that he used to cut, but be there as support for you. That is always nice to have. How old are you? Do you know if your cutting has anything to do with your mom? If it doesn't, you should try to explain that this doesn't have anything to do with her. If she is on anti-depressents, it may help her cause she might be able to control her reaction. She might understand more. I just hope and pray that everything works out for you. Try and find a really good therapist that will actually listen to you,not just tell you what you have to do all the time. Please let me know how things are going and know that I will be praying for you and your family. If you ever want to talk, just email me. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: Should i tell my mam???
Posted by DiStUrBdFrEaK on Sun Mar 3 23:38:09 2002 (#14670)

Thank u both loads, im seeing the school nurse on tuesday i think, if shes in cuz my form teacher said shed have a word with her for me bout wanting to see her. Oh yer, and Im 15. Peace, love and respect xxx

parents in denial
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sun Mar 3 00:56:38 2002 (#14637)

this is driving me crazy. my parents are completely in denial that im so depressed. i dont see how they couldnt get it! i cut all the freakin time, i almost never go out with friends and i used to be so incredible social, my grades have fallen from a 4.0 to like a 2.5, i quit swim team and swim team was my LIFE i used to skip school for swim team, and i sit in my dark little room all day because im too depressed to leave it. my mom is constantly telling me that i need to get tutors or something for school because im just getting bad grades cause i dont understand. but thats ridiculous! i understand completely i just cant for the life of me pay attention!! she jsut attributes it to me being lazy, or that im just not smart enought to understand. she thinks i quit swim team cause i didnt want anyone to see my cuts, in reality i spent the entire practice crying my eyes out and trying to drown myself. once i even was under for so long i started turning blue and the lifeguard had to get me. its just killing me!! i have to pretend to be so freaking happy around her cause she refuses to believe im depressed. my dr. convinced her to allow me to take antidepressants but she still doesnt want me to take them cause she thinks im just being a drama queen. ive tried talking to her about it but she refuses to believe it and she'll start going off on how its ridiculous and i just loose all my energy and i cant even open my mouth. i dont know if that last sentence made sense to anyone, but this is driving me crazy that my parents completely REFUSE to believe that i am depressed and not just a rebellious lazy teenager.

Re: parents in denial
Posted by mego on Sun Mar 3 02:23:36 2002 (#14639)

my mom is like that .she tells me to shut up and stop feeling sorry for myself. i dont get it either, and i've given up trying to explain. smile, laugh, do whatever the fuck you have to to make them think youre happy. and then they leave you alone...

Re: parents in denial
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sun Mar 3 03:18:56 2002 (#14640)

yeah i try so hard to be happy around them. i dont wear foundation but i keep powder in my car and eye drops cause i cry all the freakin time and i can make it look like i havent been when i get home, and they dont know i cut still i dont think. they think that i stop like the day i go back into therapy. whatever. but its the whole grades thing. i cant fake that! i wish i could though, and i seriously do try to pay attention but its one of those things where youre really paying attention for 30 seconds and the next thing you know the end of class bell rings and it either wakes you up or you snap out of a daze and i cant help it. damn.

Re: parents in denial
Posted by mego on Sun Mar 3 03:39:45 2002 (#14644)

yeah, i've been like that too at school lately. hey, at least it makes the day go by a little faster :)

Re: parents in denial
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Mar 3 16:26:18 2002 (#14652)

God, I hate hearing things like this. Honey, most parents will deny things like this cause they just can't understand why. It's like they think if they don't say anything, it will go away. But of course, it doesn't. If I can help in any way, please let me know. In the meantime, is there another adult who you trust and could help explain things to your parents? Man, at times like this, I wish I lived where you do, so I could talk to your parents personally. Of course, I tend to get on a soapbox where all my "kids" are concerned,so that may not be a good idea to talk face to face. Just remember that I'm always here for you if you want to talk or anything. Let me know how things are going, okay? I do worry about you.(not in a bad way, just hoping you're okay way) Take care of yourself. LOve, Rhonda

Re: parents in denial
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sun Mar 3 17:48:19 2002 (#14654)

my psychologist knows how my parents are in denial and hes tried talking to them but they still dont believe it. the funny thing though is that both my psychologist and my psychiatrist think my mom is just as depressed as i am. i dont want them to tell her that though. i know its really selfish of me, but i dont want her to know cause if he tells her shes depressed she'll believe it and want everyone to feel sorry for her and she'll make everyone feel guilty and so i DONT want her to know, but i want her to accept that that IS whats going on with me.

Re: parents in denial
Posted by eleanor on Sun Mar 3 19:36:31 2002 (#14659)

hey sweetie. My mum IS as depressed as I am. it's her being screwed up that was one of the things that messed with my head. she won't accept that tho. she thinks I'm depressed coz my schoolworks bad, she won't understand that my schoolworks suffering because I'm depressed. I know what you mean! I can't concentrate on anything in school. hang on in there honey! I'm sorry you're parents are like that, you deserve the best!! love ya muchly! el x x

Re: parents in denial
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Mar 5 18:17:17 2002 (#14727)

Hi I know what you mean about the whole parents in denial thing, my mum thinks I stopped the second after she first saw my wrist, I tried to tell her the other day I still do it, and she just stood there looking confused. That whole lak of concentration thing is quite a peak in having several mental disorders, one minute Im staring out the window or just plain staring, then the bell goes! Lets hope your Mum comes to terms with it, Ive lost all hope of mine ever registering there is a problem. Dont even get me started about my phycologist... good luck, luv Broken Girl

Hi everyone again
Posted by *Poison on Sun Mar 3 03:37:45 2002 (#14643)

hi, i know i haven't been here in a long time and i miss it. i really do. i suppose it's mainly because i've been so busy lately with work, playing my bass, (trying to do something positive) and school work that i have been completely obvlious to everything. well...i'm going to be switching therapists soon. i've been seeing mine for about 10 months and i recently realized that he doesn't do shit for me. he doens't know and single one of my problems and when i try to bring them up he says things like "well you just have to radically accept that is how you mother is" I hate DBT. for some people it works and more power to them but for me, i can't stand it. i hate the whole concept of it. ugh. well...here is the most recent update i suppose. i started dating my friend Josh...and we were out last friday and we started making out and such, and then he started to go down my pants and i was like NO and he wouldn't stop, i had to push him off of me like 3 times. and i must have said no about a billion times. thank god my friend came just at the right time to pick me up! what the scary part is, is that it kind of hit a nerve for me, like a flashback to something that i can't remember. the memory wasn't there but the feeling was. i ust went numb and froze. i don't know. but i hope everyone is doing well.

Amanda

Re: Hi everyone again
Posted by mego on Sun Mar 3 04:15:46 2002 (#14646)

good luck with the new psychiatrist, maybe you and josh should break up if he keeps acting like that. i dont know, i shouldnt be one to give out relationship advice, but its just an idea... i dont know. i'll shut up now. sorry

Re: Hi everyone again
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sun Mar 3 04:45:50 2002 (#14647)

i agree with mego you should break up with him. its just going to escalate and he'll probably try rape you or something. maybe im just a pessimist...what do you mean about the memory thing? were you molested when you were younger? or do you just completely not remember?

Re: Hi everyone again
Posted by *poison on Sun Mar 3 05:01:30 2002 (#14648)

yeah i plan on breaking up with him, and crimson, i don't remember if i was molested as a child or anything, all i know is that i have issues -lol and that many of my symptoms are of those who usually have somehting like that happen to them, but i have no idea, there are a few incidences that i can remember where i felt uncomfortable around people in that sort of way but nothing more, my mind blocks everything out

Re: Hi everyone again
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Mar 3 16:32:04 2002 (#14653)

Amanda, Hi honey. Maybe you should think about if you want to continue this with Josh. If he tries to push you into something, it's not a loving relationship, it's a controlling one. Rape is not about love, it's about control! Please be careful honey. I hope you find a therapist that will do you some good. If you have a memory of something, they should be able to help you uncover it and see if that's a problem you need to work on. Keep looking, there are good therapists out there. Take care of yourself honey, and keep me posted on how you're doing. Love, Rhonda

oboy..lotsa stuff here..some random some important
Posted by *me* on Sun Mar 3 03:49:50 2002 (#14645)

Ok..don't even know where to begin! I guess I'll begin with the important stuff so I don't forget. First - I have a question. I was punching and banging my arm and stuff, which I've done ever since I began SI...but this time, instead of the normal bruise appearing..there's a little lump thing and a couple purple dotty spot things. What did I do? Is it ok? This is new for me - it has never happened in the almost five years I've done it!

Hmm ok next thing is that I'm proud to say I was able to wear an orange ribbon on March 1! I planned my whole outfit around it so I could wear it in my hair and support the day without anyone being suspicious! Oh, and March 1 was a retreat for my class, and I have STORIES dealing w/ SI from it! Whew! So at this one point we were allowed to get up and share stories or whatever, and TWO people got up and talked about how they CUT, and another girl got up and said how this year she had tried to kill herself for the THIRD time! I was in shock. And, I thought it was cool that knowledge was getting out there on SI awareness day, even though I'm sure those people had no idea that that was that day. But yeah, there are officially three people "out" about cutting at my school...and it got me thinking. There are at least 4 people in my school who cut - the four who are out and me. And there's probably more, who, like me, keep it hidden. So I would bet that there are so many cutters out there...that we all have met at least 20 in our lives without even knowing it. And then AFTER the retreat my friend and I got started talking, and how it took a lot of guts for them to get up there. And I said that, "hypothetically," if i did that, I wouldn't be able to get up there. And we got started talking about keeping cutting hidden. And she didn't think anyone could do it for very long. She was like, "if one of our friends cut, someone would find out so quickly. Our group is so tight that someone would be bound to find out." And then she was like, "and what about parents? If someone cut for like, two years, how could they not know?" And I just wanted to SCREAM and to show her my cut up wrist and say "I'VE BEEN DOING IT FOR ALMOST FIVE YEARS AND DID ANYONE HAVE A CLUE??? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" But I couldn't. But it was weird, bc when one of the girls was telling her story, this friend was SOBBING. And she was reading a book about cutting a few weeks ago. But she DEFINIATELY does not cut. I mean, I know I know, people would say that about me, too, but this girl wears tank tops and I've been to pool parties with her and stuff...and she doesn't have scars or anything. So it was weird...I wonder if she knows someone who cuts...like a family member or something.

And now...a little rant about me...ok I guess that technically I have the start of an eating disorder...I've lost 18 lbs since new year's. Tonite I had a massive binge/purge session. But no one knows I do that. As far as my mom's concerned, I've just stopped eating between meals, and as far as my friends are concerned, I'm just eating less and what I do eat is healthy. They don't know the truth. But everyone's telling me to stop losing weight. My mom said exactly that, and my friend's said to not "go overboard" on dieting. Why can't anyone be happy for me?

Bahh....so yeah...sorry this is really long. Kudos to anyone who's gotten thru it.

Re: oboy..lotsa stuff here..some random some impor
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sun Mar 3 05:05:58 2002 (#14649)

that mustve been so hard for those people to say that in front of everyone!! but i know what you mean people dont understand how easy it is to hide!! no one wouldve ever found out about me except my best friend who used to cut saw a tiny little scar on my wrist when i was washing my face and immediately knew what was going on and she freaked out and told my parents cause she thought it would be best...WHATEVER. about the arm thing. i only cut...so i couldnt help you with that. i used to be bulimic too. i gained weight though (thats the weird thing about bulimia, you can loose weight, stay the same or gain weight with it...i donno whatever) so no one ever thought something was wrong, but it can be dangerous. i accidentally poked a little hole in the back of my throat, the dr. couldnt do anything about it but i could only eat apple sauce for like 3 weeks cause it hurt like hell even to swallow. im not trying to say that its stupid cause i really liked it a lot cause it was another secret i had. i love having deep dark secrets. so im not going to tell you to stop but im not going to say its super good either. i think if its working for you now then thats good, just be aware of the dangers and of what youre doing. dont go blindly into the waiting night.

water is filling the room
Posted by mego on Sun Mar 3 07:16:51 2002 (#14650)

false accusations and suspicious glances// unexpected alterations and a million lost chances//nothing was ever okay and i am done with all of this//i'm thinking about everyday and all the same old shit//about when you left me crying in the middle of the room//do you feel me dieing and do you regret leaving me so soon//i take a look around and dont remember today//now i'm slipping to the ground and i'm slowly fading away//water is filling the room way to fast and my feet are chained to the ground//i dont know how long i'm going to last before i eventually drown

Re: water is filling the room
Posted by eleanor on Sun Mar 3 19:42:26 2002 (#14660)

that was great. x

"hormones"
Posted by eleanor on Sun Mar 3 19:19:55 2002 (#14655)

hey guys. I've not been around for a few days, I guess it was a relief to lots of you not to have to read my babble! why is it that adults put everything down to hormones? I'm depressed "it's her hormones", I cut my arm to pieces "it's her hormones", I try to kill myself "it's just her hormones, she'll get over it". Why the fuck can't they understand that this is real and they can't blame the way that they've fucked up my head on my hormones?! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! anyway, enough ranting now. hope you're all gettin on ok. love always, el x

Re: "hormones"
Posted by mego on Sun Mar 3 19:56:54 2002 (#14663)

yeah, i know. they dont want to believe that we're fucked up because it might mean that they are too.

Re: "hormones"
Posted by eleanor on Sun Mar 3 22:34:43 2002 (#14666)

it sucks

Re: "hormones"
Posted by erryn on Mon Mar 4 02:45:19 2002 (#14672)

I am an adult and when my parents found out they ignored the problem and me they just dont want to believe that they messed up and that something they did or let happen to us fucked us up. Keep in touch

Erryn

Re: "hormones"
Posted by mego on Tue Mar 5 03:55:57 2002 (#14713)

fuck yeah it does

Re: "hormones"
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Mar 5 00:54:59 2002 (#14702)

Being almost 42, I can relate to the hormone thing really well. But I also know that not everything is related to that. It's just an excuse to the adults who are saying that so they won't have to deal with the real issues. That's so sad. If I can help you, please let me know. I know it's such a pain in the ass to listen to people like that, but just remember that you have friends here who will help you. Take care honey, Love, RHonda

hi im new here:::::::::::::::::::::::>
Posted by Ella (The Part Time Psycho >_<) on Sun Mar 3 19:24:29 2002 (#14657)

hi im ella from the north west uk. ive harmed for over 3 years now have a personality disorder and other "lables" got out of the hospital a few weeks ago where i was on a psycho ward cos my harming was very manic and lots of it since comin out ive not done as much until yesterday where i relapsed. well enuff about me for now hope ur all well takecare and hope you all welcome me here, feel free to email me im always ere to help ppl! -ELLA-x-

Re: hi im new here:::::::::::::::::::::::>
Posted by eleanor on Sun Mar 3 19:30:33 2002 (#14658)

hey! i'm eleanor as you probably guessed. I live in the east midlands of uk, tho most ppl on the site are from the usa. of course you're welcome. i'm pretty new too and I know how welcome they all made me. feel free 2 email me 2. take care! love el x

Re: hi im new here:::::::::::::::::::::::>
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Mar 5 00:58:53 2002 (#14703)

Hey Ella, Welcome to the board. I know you'll find a lot of support here. Keep coming back to just rant and rave. I'm always here for you if you want to talk. JUst email me. I've always wanted to go to England, but will probably never have the chance. Oh well, you could just tell me about the countryside. Anyway, gonna go, I'm getting boring now. Take care of yourself. Love, RHonda

liar
Posted by mego on Sun Mar 3 20:18:25 2002 (#14664)

i was thinking about how much i lie to everyone. "i'm fine" "i didn't take anything" "yes, i behaved" "no, there will be parents there" "i won't get in a car with anyone i dont know" "i'm not mad" "i got pushed into something, thats what the bloods from". jesus. and they always believe me. is is because i'm good at it or they dont want to believe anything else? its scary because my mom is like that too. she has lied so much about so many things. only i know when she's lieing. she never knows when i am, or she just doesn't care. i dont want to be like her.

Re: liar
Posted by eleanor on Sun Mar 3 22:41:16 2002 (#14667)

lying is possibly the worse part. nobody wants to turn out as fucked up as their parents, but every day I can see myself becoming more and like my mum. the things I hate about her i'm starting to see in myself, like the depression, self hatred, lying........the list just goes on. people believe what they want to believe, the fact that they don't see through the lies and see what's in front of their face says more about them than it does about you. x

Re: liar
Posted by wallflower on Mon Mar 4 03:02:33 2002 (#14673)

I find that I lie a lot too. Recently I lied to all my friends who know about my cutting. I told them I had decided to quit, and that I actually hadn't done it in about a week and a half. I have no intention whatsoever of quitting I just didn't want anyone to know anymore. I want it to be a secret from everyonw I know. Now no one knows except you guys . . . and you don't really know who I am. Anyway, I think some lies we give are believable, but mostly it's that people will take things as what they want them to mean. They hate the idea of us hurting ourselves so they would love to believe that we're just really clumsy or have vicious pets. Everyone does it, even if it's not about self injury. I know if I think someone hates me it doesn't matter if they do or not because whatever they say I'll either take it to mean something mean or just think they're lieing to me. Oh well. Maybe it's a trait to keep humans happy. If we only ever hear what we want to hear we'll continue to live in the wonderful world of makebelieve.

Re: liar
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Mar 4 05:37:05 2002 (#14678)

i think its that people just want to believe the lies. im so terrible at lying its not even funny, but my friends believe it all. my parents on the other hand refuse to believe anything, i tell the truth they think im lying, actually i think they believe the lies just not the truth. i dont know what their deal is. but hey wallflower. i did the same thing as you. a couple of my friends found out about me cutting by accident (swim team people... bathing suits suck), but i told them all i stopped about 3 months ago. i just dont want anybody to know.

I need some answers, I'm a newbie!
Posted by Jessie on Sun Mar 3 22:00:53 2002 (#14665)

I am new to this site, But I am not new to the cutting. I have been cutting for over a year now. I told my dad just yesterday I cut. And he's been really understanding. I thought he would freak!! I should have realized my dad's cooler than that. ANYWAYS, getting off track here, is cutting a sin? I mean sometimes the only reason I feel guilty when I cut is because I think I should have asked God for help. Cutting isn't any different from smoking pot, or drinking, and I have heard that stimulated the mind in sucha way is a sin. So is cuting a sin??? I need some help. Please email or post! ~*Jessie*~

Re: I need some answers, I'm a newbie!
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Mon Mar 4 19:45:00 2002 (#14692)

yeah.... i used to go to church every Sunday, sometimes twice on sunday (and if i wasnt working i would go to the friday morning service too) i would get up every day an hour early so i could read My Bible, and i would read my Bible on my coffee breaks at work, i listened to all those Christian music cd's ( which i spent fortunes on...i still put them on occasionally) i would read books on how to achieve more heartfelt prayer, and things like that. i got baptised last June too.

i dont have a clue what happened, but I tell you what- it was the happiest I have ever been and I wish I could feel that way again. i know what it's like to be a cutter and still confused about God. but i do know that He loves me and i just need to start loving myself too. but that's the hard part...

Re: I need some answers, I'm a newbie!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Mar 5 01:06:15 2002 (#14704)

Hi Jessie, I expect Linda or Dawn to answer you soon if they read this. But I guess I'll be the first of the "older" people to answer. First of all, I don't cut but my daughter does. Second, I am so happy that your father has been so understanding and helpful. My hat is off to him. Third, as far as cutting being a sin, I guess only God could answer that. But it says in the Bible that he loves all of us, no matter what. I feel that while it hurts God to see anyone hurt themselves, he won't leave you behind and forget you. Your post could start up the "old religion discussion" again, so be prepared if it does. If you ever want to talk to me or anything, just email me. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: I need some answers, I'm a newbie!
Posted by mego on Tue Mar 5 02:01:46 2002 (#14709)

i disagree. smoking pot and drinking are different than cutting. smoking pot and drinking are fun, and make things fun. cutting makes things a little better, but isnt fun. and how can smoking pot be a sin if god put it here in the first place?? what do you think, he looked down at the earth and all his creation and said "oh shit, i left fucking pot everywhere? if i leave pot on the earth, people are gonna think they should smoke it! shit!"? come on now, its not a bad thing if you think about it. not that it wont get you into trouble... but thats beside the point. i dont think that cutting is a sin. your obviously punishing your body, you aren't really doing anything wrong. if cutting was a sin, then doing anything to cope with your problems would be a sin too. i think that too many people worry about god and what "he" wants everyone to do and whats considered a sin. you only live once, and you should do what you want in that one lifetime. as long as it doesnt hurt anyone else, it shouldnt be a sin.

Re: I need some answers, I'm a newbie!
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 5 15:34:20 2002 (#14721)

listen to mego - talks sense!!!!!!!!!!

do i need to stop?
Posted by Erryn on Sun Mar 3 22:42:59 2002 (#14668)

My name is Erryn and I have been cutting for eleven years, recently at a new job people started to notice my scars, and are asking alot of questions, I'm scared to tell anyone what they are from, some have already guessed. I have a really good friend from there and she kinda gets mad when I cut, she tells me I need to stop, but I dont want to it fills my needs and I love to do it, but I am 26 yrs old and a mother, how am I going to get by, I am only alive because of my kids. I don't want to disappoint any one else in my life, so I need to cut to be happy? Help!!!!

Please help Erryn

Re: do i need to stop?
Posted by eleanor on Sun Mar 3 22:50:11 2002 (#14669)

hey. you are lucky because you have a friend who cares about you enough to want you to stop. I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old are you're kids? do they know that you cut? I can't tell you that you have to stop because I know how hard it is and I would be being a hyppocrit, but maybe you need to think about how it affects your kids. you say you're only alive because of them, so maybe they could give you the incentive to stop? i dunno. hope you're getting on ok. I'm sure somebody here will be able to help, even if I was useless! love always, el x

Sharper?
Posted by Rat on Mon Mar 4 04:05:01 2002 (#14674)

Is there any difference in the sharpness of a razor blade and an x-acto knife blade?

Re: Sharper?
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Mar 4 05:40:10 2002 (#14679)

i dont think there is a difference in sharpness....personally i prefer razor blades.

Why do you?
Posted by Jade on Mon Mar 4 05:30:37 2002 (#14676)

Hello anyone who wants to read this. I was just wondering why everyone here cuts. It may be too personal - but this is a personal site so don't answer if you feel uncomfortable. I know my cutting has a lot to do with my eating disorder. I know if I have unexplainable cuts on my body then there will be no way that I would take my clothes off in front of a guy, therefore I won't have sex or anything, and I won't feel bad about after like I always do. And then I won't want anyone to see my body until the cuts heal - and by that time my weight could be the way I want it. So I was just curious why others do it. Also, I like the blood and the cuts after the fact - but I'm not a big fan of the pain. I always freeze where I am going to cut first, anyone else do that? I'm new here - and just curious - so feel free to write if you feel like it. Take care all.

Re: Why do you?
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Mar 4 05:44:30 2002 (#14680)

my cutting mostly has to do with my parents, they drive me INSANE. also i have absolutely zero self esteem and whenever someone so much as doesnt laugh at one of my jokes i think they all hate me and i cut. god that sounds so incredibly stupid when i think about it but i really believe it. i kinda like the pain. i dont like the annoying pain from when you just break the skin cause thats not real pain, i like the kinda numb pain you get when you go deeper. plus i like seeing the nasty scars and half healed cuts cause they i know i have the control over something involving myself and i can do what i want to my body.

Re: Why do you?
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Mon Mar 4 17:27:46 2002 (#14685)

phoo...... well the first time i cut... i dont feel ready to explain yet what triggered it, but even after 8 months i am still using the same excuse, and building myself a list of reasons in case the first one ever goes away:

1)control- life is painful. everyone knows that. but this is ONE pain you give yourself. you cant control how much pain others give you (if we could i think half of us wouldnt be so fu*ked up). i dont know if this is sick, but i love the red lines. i look at it and think "yeaah- I did that. ME. nobody else hurt me this time, it was MY CHOICE to hurt." 2)high- i dont know what it is but i feel so good right afterwards. one thing that feels really invigorating is when wind blows across open cuts. 3)replacement- i think this is on everyones list. replace mental/emotional pain with a physical pain. a temporary distraction. anything helps. 4)wanting to die- i want to die, and i would LOVE to kill myself, but i know im too chicken to actually do it. so cutting myself gives the same kind of effect, only not so "final". 5)i cant do anything else- if i have problems that i cant do anything about... the only thing i CAN do is cut. sometimes i dont know what to do about something, so i turn to the "old reliable". 6) habit- SI to me is like pringles, or lays "once you pop you cant stop" or "you just cant have one"

Re: Why do you?
Posted by Evail Syn on Mon Mar 4 22:58:20 2002 (#14696)

answers are merely excuses to fall back on when someone would ask why? I have no answer, for all I have is my self-mutilation. That is who I am, that is what has become me. Not only cutting has become a ritualistic custom, but burning, punching walls, killing small creature (cat, dog, anything of the sort), attempting to kill family memebers or boyfriends, anorexia, bulimia. But my heart (what's left of it) will always remain with my passionate love: cutting.

bullshit
Posted by mego on Tue Mar 5 02:34:16 2002 (#14712)

i know you dont to all that shit, killing things and trying to kill people. thats bullshit, this site isnt about getting attention, its about getting help. stop looking for people to impress or feel sorry for you.

New here
Posted by Brokenwing77277 on Mon Mar 4 05:35:39 2002 (#14677)

Hey guys, I'm a 20 year old college girl who self-injures. I'm looking for a good place to share my thoughts. Can't wait to hear yours.

Faith

Re: New here
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Mar 4 05:47:47 2002 (#14681)

hey. im kinda worried about college myself. im scared about whats going to happen when i get there. is my roommate going to find out and start spreading rumors? im so shy when i first meet people and am convinced everyone breathing hates me and thinks im disgusting to look at, and thats a huge reason why i cut. so im scared im also going to spiral even farther into depression when i get there and accidentally cut too deep. ah. maybe you could share come of your experiences in college? thanks!

Re: New here
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Mar 5 01:12:18 2002 (#14705)

Hi Faith, Welcome. I don't cut but my daughter does so I come here in support of everyone who doesn't have anyone else to support them.My main purpose in life has become to educate adults about supporting their kids who deal with this issue. If you ever want to talk, just drop me an email. Take care. Love, Rhonda

they dont understand and to be honest neither do i
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Mar 4 13:12:08 2002 (#14683)

mum keeps checkin my arms every night and my dad keeps cracking jokes as thats his way of dealing with it. i havent cut for 6 days but it feels like forever. id also like to stress that the only reason why i havent is because they keep checking my arms. dad says he has to so that if i do cut again theyll know and can take me back to the docs again or sommet. whats horrible is that they dont understand. dad says (his words) "its just a phase, people your age do stupid things" mum says "its your hormones love, i understand the depression bcs every1 suffers from it at some point in their life but cutting? that i dont understand" "stop cutting donna, its crazy, how can that make you feel better" and my all time favourite stupid thing shes sed is " doesnt it hurt?" well DEERRRR!!!! thats the whole fucking point. for fucks sake this is driving me nuts, they dont see that by forcing me to stop is gonna make things worse in the long run, do they not understand that cutting in a way is to stop me from killing myself? i feel so ashamed of myself, i HATE myself because i havent cut for 6 days, i feel like i have to? but not urges to do it as such just thoughts that its what i have to do or what i deserve. i dunno. im just so confused and my depression is getting out of control bcs ive ben forced not to cut. i dont want to cut in secret because i dont want to hurt mum anymore but i still want to cut. this therefore means im resenting my mum fro checking my arms so i therefore want to hurt her so i want to cut. oh this is pointless, im on my own in the house which is y im writing ere now, partly because my mum is out and its tempting to cut and secondly because if she was ere she wudnt leave me on my own upstairs (where the computer is). this is really bad, im hating myslf even more now that i have told them. im going to see a shrink this week and im on antidepressants so maybe in time things will get better but this whole cut or not to cut business is overtaking my mind, its all i think about. anyways i wasnt expectin any of u to read this (maybe get bored halfway and stop) bcs it is very long, but im trying to keep occupyed bcs i dont want tu cut. YET THE STUPID THING IS I WOULD SEE ME CUTTING MYSELF AS AN ACHIEVEMENT THAN ME NOT CUTTING? HOW CAN THAT BE??!!!!!

Re: they dont understand and to be honest neither
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Mar 4 18:32:15 2002 (#14686)

hey donna! when my parents found out it was hell too. they never checked my arms like your parents do, but they would time it so they would come in to say goodmorning right after i got out of the shower so they could look...dumbasses they thought i didnt know. and before i knew that they knew it was summer and fucking hot so i would wear tshirts cause i hadnt really started to go deep yet and i didnt think the scars were very noticeable, but whenever i was driving with my mom she wouldnt even glance at the road shed be STARING at my arm and it made me just want to jump out of the car. the whole "everyone goes through depression at some point" pisses the FUCK outa me. my friend on swim team saw my cuts and i thought shed really understand so i didnt feed her the same bullshit that if feed everyone else, cause she had told me about how in 8th grade she was really depressed and she tried to kill herself, so i wa slike ok shell get it. so i told her what had really happened and i started crying and shes like "oh beka dont be such a dramaqueen. depression is like a right of passage everyone gets depressed at some point in their life" thats when i realized she never really was depressed, she just had a bad month or something and she never REALLY tried to kill herself. she just stood at the sink with a pile of pills and then didnt do it. thats not trying to kill yourself!!! trying to kill yourself is raiding your cupboards and taking everysingle pill you can find in there, then they all hit you and you throw up for hours uncontrollably and it hurts so bad you think you WILL die and then you pass out on the bathroom floor and wakeup 28 hours later. depression isnt not feeling peachy for a month, depression is fucking hating yourself and looking at yourself in the mirror and wishing you could tear that ugly beast apart . depression cant even be explained in words. and its fucking NOT A PHASE. not everyone goes through it. god that pisses me off. ok im gonna stop. but about the antidepressants. what did they give you? im on celexa, i think they prescribe that to like every teenage girl. i havent been taking it for very long but my friend was on the same dosage and said it was bullshit. OK lol i doubt you read all that. but yeah...luv ya

Re: they dont understand and to be honest neither
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 4 18:55:23 2002 (#14689)

hey sweetie! my parents have started doing the same thing, checking my arms, and if I hear one more time that its my hormones I think i'll shoot myself! you just have to keep going. take it one day at a time. it's a fucking nightmare and it drives you crazy but that's the only thing you can do. love n stuff, el x x

Re: they dont understand and to be honest neither
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Mon Mar 4 19:35:40 2002 (#14691)

i read about this one girl (now grown with kids around 8/10) who used to cut when she was younger. she had stopped gradually and not cut for like,7 years or something, and one day she was making a dinner for her kids and completely by accident her finger got cut by the knife. all of a sudden it bought back everything and the cycle began again.

so its not a "phase", its a part of you that no matter how much you supress it, its always there. friggin haunting you....

dammit! the word "Phase" should only be used in science classes to explain metamorphosis and stuff...shouldnt be applied to Humans!

Re: they dont understand and to be honest neither
Posted by Erryn on Tue Mar 5 01:13:20 2002 (#14706)

Hey girl, this is not a phase I am 26yrs old and a mom of two ages 5 and 2 i started cutting 11 yrs ago i did it heavy for the first 4 yrs and then gradually stopped for about 2 yrs then it got worse i would lie to my parents and my then husband telling them that i fell and had to go get stitches. its not a phase because now it is worse than ever and i cant stop. this has seperated my parents and i because they cant fess up and relize they fucked up. everyone just uses everything but the truth to make it better so they look good take care and hang in there love Erryn

Re: they dont understand and to be honest neither
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Mar 5 01:18:44 2002 (#14707)

I'm sorry you're having a bad time. If you would like to give me your email address, I'd like to send you some cards like I do with the others sometimes. Don't worry if you don't want to, I'll understand. You can send it to me privately and I won't tell anyone else. I hope things go okay with the therapist this week. Let me know,okay? Till then, I'll say a prayer for you. Take care. LOve, Rhonda

Re: they dont understand and to be honest neither
Posted by She on Wed Mar 6 19:36:09 2002 (#14792)

My pearents were the same when they found out I dont think they understod why I did it They seamed to think that my life is perfect.I gess the found out in the wrong situation . I told them that I would stop but I couldnt i think that the only person that i could stop for is myslef and honestley Im not ready to do that yet . My pearents think that ive stoped so thats ok I guess . N e way good luck Loads of love She **

doctors appt tomorrow
Posted by idonthaveasoul *frustrated!* on Mon Mar 4 17:16:18 2002 (#14684)

i have a doctors appt tomorrow. i hate the doctors- 2 weeks ago was the first time i had gone in over a year. the only reason i went is bc someone called and made an appt for me because she thinks i need to "talk to someone". so i had to tell the doctor what i "do". it was so humiliating bc i have never met this doctor in my life, and having to tell a complete stranger "i came here because i have been cutting myself" is ....ick. i had to say it. OUT LOUD. ugh. she said she would be in touch with someone from the mental heath dept to talk to me. i havent heard anything yet. and i hadnt cut for about a week when i went, and she asked to see my arm and it wasn't as bad because i had left it alone. but now i have fresh marks and she's gonna ask to see it again and tell me off and make me feel stupid. i really would like to talk to someone, but not about the SI...just about stuff in general. i think thats part of my problem- i never talk to anyone except about work stuff. i dont have any friends i go out to concerts with or just out to a club to have fun like i used to. dammit i should be feeling this way at 60, not frigin 20! i should be HAVING a life, not missing the one i already lost.....

Re: doctors appt tomorrow
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Mar 4 18:42:07 2002 (#14687)

i must agree with you telling a complete stranger about that is THE MOST HUMILIATING thing that could ever happen to you. i wanted to cry and sink into the floor when i had to, not to mention open up a vein. some dr.s arent that bad. ive been through a few, and i think my parents are actually going to fire my current one soon, so ill be going through a couple more. i have mixed emotions about drs. i dont want one to "cure" me frankly i think its impossible, but i like them to talk about other people. its actualyl kind of ridiculous i go to a dr. to help me, but i cant i really CANT talk about myself, i can analyze my friends and parents to death easily but the moment he asks me how i feel or what i did today even i just shut up and cant utter a single word. its weird. about the 20 vs. 60 thing. i know im only 16, but im a teenager i should be dating lots of people going out on friday nights, partying, but i cant. ive had the same boyfriend whos 4 years older than me for over a year, and i dont think i even care about him i just cant break up with him. i havent gone out with friends in months, i havent talked on the phone with friends in months, im like a hermit crab and i know its not me. i can see my life passing me by and i know its never coming back but i cant see myself ever snatching it back if that made sense. god i cant explain it. im sure all of you know what im trying to say though.

Re: doctors appt tomorrow
Posted by erica on Mon Mar 4 20:08:10 2002 (#14694)

I totally know what you mean. Yesterday I met with my bishop. He also is a doctor. We were talking and I didn't want to tell him what was happening in my life. Anyways I finally told him that when I'm not starving myself I'm cutting, and when I'm not cutting I'm starving myself. Anyways he asked me if I had been abused as a child. I hesitantly said yes. He asked me if I'd told my doctor(who's also his son). I was like no. I don't know. It's not like I'm going to walk in to my doctor and blurt out "oh yeah, my teacher sexually abused me, as well as my mom locked me in a closet a bunch of times". Deffinately not my type of thing.

Erica

Re: doctors appt tomorrow
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Mar 5 01:23:05 2002 (#14708)

If you don't like or feel comfortable with her, find someone else. You have the right to do that. It really helps to be able to talk to someone who doesn't make you feel bad about what you do to feel better. Too bad you're not here in Oklahoma, I could give you the name of Tara's therapist. He was and is a godsend!! The man is truly amazing. Take care of yourself and write me if you ever want to talk. Love, Rhonda

Re: doctors appt tomorrow
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Tue Mar 5 06:44:53 2002 (#14716)

well its not that i dont like her (shes a lot better than the other guy my mom sent me to- everytime i went i got the feeling that he really didnt wanna be there -would never look me in the face or give much help....and this was BEFORE the cutting!) this lady looked at me and gave me some tissues (aaaaah) and *gasp* actually SPOKE to me!!!! lol she made me feel like she wanted to help. its just that as erica said, you cant just walk into someone and go "nice day today isnt it, oh by the way i torture myself on purpose. did you watch Friends last night?..." etc.

so it was the guy i had before that gave me such a negative view on doctors, but this lady seems to be the exception. ...or either HE was the exception... whatever :P

feeling empty
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Mar 4 18:49:46 2002 (#14688)

im sitting at home with everything to do and not the slightest bit of motivation to do any of it. i wish i could go back to sleep and sleep forever. theres a blood stain on my bed cause i cut last night and while i was sleeping the blood went through the gauze and theres a puddle of blood there but im too lazy to clean it. my life just seems like a fucking cruel joke right now. i mean im wasting it sitting here in bloody thoughts and bloody actions but i dont want to stop this i dont want to "get better". my friends care about me less than i care about myself. the ones that know ive convinced ive stopped and gotten better. which just confirmed their beleif that it was just a phase that everyone goes through and i was just being a fucking idiot to embellish this phase in torn tissue and hemoraged blood. they dont give a shit and frankly neither do i. what is the POINT of life anyway? youre born, you grow up, you make money or you dont, and then you die. wahoo, id rather take my chances in hell then slave away in this superficial ridiculous world. i just dont see beauty in anything anymore when everything that met the eye used to be fabulously beautiful to me.

Re: feeling empty
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Mon Mar 4 19:23:32 2002 (#14690)

i completely hear u on Everything

Re: feeling empty
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 4 20:07:44 2002 (#14693)

hey sweetie. boy do I know how you feel. the only thing I can say is that i would miss you if you weren't here. you've helped me a lot over the past few weeks. love ya loads, el x x

Re: feeling empty
Posted by mego on Tue Mar 5 02:28:35 2002 (#14710)

yeah dude, i know exactly what youre saying. it sucks, but i love you and fuck hell, man. come live with me, i've already told you you should. my friends are just like yours, just believe it when you tell them you dont cut. its cause thats what they want to believe, thats what i'm thinking. please.... dont be sad. i can talk to you about more shit and get along with you more than i do with my best friends. youre, like, my other half man. and if you do something like kill yourself, how will i be able to take a road trip to see you and how can we go on tour?? you'll never get to see nathan or kamil, you wont be able to smell kamil. it will be so sad!!!! you wont be able to make your million babies with brian, we wont be able to worship the bud god on the beach with incence or be hippies or watch cky or anything!! come on bro! i luv you!!!! youre my sista!!!!

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

just so tired
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 4 22:36:50 2002 (#14695)

i woke up this morning and couldn't get out of bed. I feel like this every day, i can't face school, my friends, my family, myself.... But today I literally couldn't move. the doctor increased my dose of tablets and they're making me feel like shit. I feel numb and so spaced out that I don't know what I'm doing. The pains still there but it's more like a dull ache twisting and tearing at me inside than the sharp pain that was there before. the medication that's supposed to "cure" me just makes me want to cut deeper and more often than before because I don't feel real anymore. and I'm so fucking tired. Physically tired, mentally tired, tired of this meaningless shithole of a world and living each day with a hatred of my stupid, fat, repulsive, useless self that grows with each hour. I'm just tired

Re: just so tired
Posted by Donna on Mon Mar 4 23:51:13 2002 (#14697)

hey there-u hav to keep goin!!!i feel like that every day but i wish i was on medication to help me along!!of course there will be bad days but you must look to the futuure and realise that sumthing good will cum out of all of it!!!it takes time

Re: just so tired
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Tue Mar 5 19:50:10 2002 (#14732)

dammit...i feel the same way. except im not taking anything! but you gotta have ONE thing that makes you wanna stay. for example i am writing a book. im not gonna let myself die before its done! (its actually a book about how shit everything is.... gonna be an international bestseller!)

you have to find at least one thing that makes you wanna stay -because no matter how stupid or small you think it seems, if it makes you feel better then it is definetly NOT stupid or small.

Re: just so tired
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 5 19:54:36 2002 (#14733)

i'm writing a book too. I love writing, it helps me to get all of my feelings out without hurting other people. hey, when you've written your book you'll have to let me know what it's called.....i'll definitly go out and buy it! thanks x x

Re: just so tired
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Tue Mar 5 20:23:52 2002 (#14735)

yeah kool! or maybe i could just trade you a copy of my book for a copy of yours! i still dont know what to call it, i need something that lets people know what its about but not so much to put them off reading it. so "everything is shit" i dont think will work as a title!! the 'segments' i have so far are called "the beginnings of a beginning", "pieces of happiness" and "my last thoughts" (in which i write about my suicide as if it already happened, and i am talking about it from the other side) what's your book about?

i have some poetry on www.angelfire.com/realm2/legol as if you fancy a peek do u have a page? if u dont wanna post it here thats kool.

Re: just so tired
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 5 21:17:19 2002 (#14738)

mines kind of like an autobiography, telling the story of my life and the world through my eyes. the title I first came up with was "not quite there yet" but i think i'm gonna have to work on that! I don't have a page. The trading thing sounds good! You're right tho, "everything is shit" could put a few ppl off! :)

Re: just so tired
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Tue Mar 5 21:26:35 2002 (#14741)

if u dont mind saying, how old are you?

Re: just so tired
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 5 21:52:18 2002 (#14744)

i'm 17

Re: just so tired
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Tue Mar 5 22:15:22 2002 (#14747)

WEEEEEEEEE! *someone* has been signing my guestbook!!!!!! :o)

Re: just so tired
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 5 22:21:19 2002 (#14749)

yep i certainly have! the poems were really good, twas great. :) x x

Re: just so tired
Posted by She on Wed Mar 6 17:13:30 2002 (#14781)

I h8 those fucking piss they give you do they really aspect us to take them they suck .There supposed to make u better not wors wots the deal with that. Someone told me to smoke st jhons wart instead its pritty good i mean i dosent stop the cutting but it relaxes u ands makes u think twise about everything loads of love She**

advice for all
Posted by wallflower on Tue Mar 5 02:30:02 2002 (#14711)

Hey, I don't know if this is good advice or what, but I thought I'd at least put it out there for people to consider. I always get these horrible images in my head, things like hands with the fingers all cut up and mixing the blood from one hand to the other, or having someone else cut me. Has anyone else had that fantasy? Am I crazy? Anyway what I decided to do was start drawing all the horrible pictures I get in my head. I have to keep the pictures out of sight, but it's really helped. It's really reduced the urge to do things like that that would obviously cause me trouble and get me caught. I don't know if that would help anyone else but whatever, it's just a thought.

FUCK
Posted by mego on Tue Mar 5 04:51:00 2002 (#14714)

my head is going to fucking explode. i dont know whats going on and i dont give a fuck. i want to hurt someone so bad, i want to beat the shit out of someone, every time someone comes near me i yell at them. one of the guys touched me and i punched him in the face and gave him a bloody lip, i dont even feel bad about it. goddamn, i am so mad about so much shit. this came out of nowhere, i was fine an hour ago. i want a fucking cigarette but danelle blew me off so i didnt get a chance to have tim buy me a pack. these goddamn people are making too much noise.

Re: FUCK
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Mar 5 05:11:10 2002 (#14715)

breathe in slowly...and wait for the butterfly to come because the bud god will save you like he saves all his loyal followers. let the oopa crew carry you away to the frog priest land where they feed you flies and everything is peachy. and when you have a moment to think in the bud god land burn some incense and remember the spoons....

thanks beka
Posted by mego on Tue Mar 5 22:40:30 2002 (#14751)

thanks, i'll work on it

patient confidentiality?
Posted by scared aka donna on Tue Mar 5 13:13:00 2002 (#14717)

i go to see the psychiatrist 2morrow right? but they said in the letter that mum and dad have to come with me and that the appointment will last for about 1hour-2hours! so ok this is fine because i was gearing myself up ready to open up to this shrink in the hpoe that it wud help me in some way right? but not if mum and dad are there! im really worried now because what do they expect me to talk about for that amount of time when my mum and dad are here to its sooo stupid and has got me both angry and worried. its my 1st appointment, so cud any1 tell me what you do talk bout in your 1st 1? they also might wanna tell my skool bout it BUT i dont want them 2 bcs im happy at skool (as happy as can be) and dont want 2 ruin that as its the only place where i can chill out. i didnt think theyd b able 2 tell my skool bcs im 17 and the whole patient confidentiality applies dunt it? i mean i didnt even av 2 tell my parents i cud have just gon strate 2 the docs and theyd never no so surely they wud have to respect my dcision wudnt they? oh god im sooo nervous

Re: patient confidentiality?
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 5 15:28:09 2002 (#14720)

hey sweetie. I had my first psychiatrist appointment last wednesday. I didn't tell my mum and dad about it, I just went without them. surely you don't have to take them? my letter said I could go on my own or take a friend or summat, but I went on my own. I dunno if it'll be the same for you, but mine asked me a load of questions about my life and family background off a sheet and then she filled it in with everything I said. I was really worried about what to say, but all I had to do was answer these questions and as soon as I started talking, all this stuff came out that I thought i'd forgotten about. It really wasn't as hard as i'd thought, just a little weird at first. I've got my 2nd appointment tomorrow. I don't think they can tell your school without your permission. mine wanted to tlk to my school but I said no and they haven't said anything. DON'T BE NERVOUS! I know it sounds scary but you'll be fine, and hopefully it'll help. Good luck honey! Write and tell me how you got on!!!!!!!!!! you can also email me ANY time if you want! Love n stuff, el x x x

Re: patient confidentiality?
Posted by diana on Tue Mar 5 21:40:20 2002 (#14742)

they told me that i had to bring my parents (im 15).. but when i got there i told them that i would not like to talk to him w. my parents in the room n he respected that n made them sit out. but then they came in at the end n well hes an asshole n told them half the shit. but usually psycirotrists aren't as confidential as therapists. but thats just mine. try seeing if u can go in by urself n make ur parents sit out or somehting till the end n tell him/her that u wish not to talk about ur problems in front of them...it could work

Re: patient confidentiality?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Mar 6 02:50:36 2002 (#14761)

Here's what happened with Tara and me. We went into Dr. Gilbert's office together and both tlaked to him. He asked me what I wanted for Tara then asked Tara what she wanted for herself. I told him how I feel and how I just wanted Tara to feel better about herself. I think the 3 of us talked for maybe 30 or 45 minutes then he excused me so he could talk to Tara without me. She was only 16 and 17 at the time. Never one time did he tell me what him and her talked about. Tara often would let me know, but the doctor never did. I think the only time they are suppose to tell the parents is if you are in any danger of hurting yourself or others. By hurting yourself, I don't mean just cutting. I'm talking like actually saying you're going to kill yourself or something like that. If you have any other questions, please email me and ask. I'll try to answer them if I can. Try not to worry to much. (sure, like that is gonnna happen, right?!!!!!) I'll be thinking about you and hoping you do okay. Let me know how things go. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: patient confidentiality?
Posted by Crimson Fire on Wed Mar 6 03:53:05 2002 (#14765)

chica ive definitely been through my share of psychiatrists and i think my parents are going to fire my current one soon so ill have to find yet another. so heres the deal with the first appt. i realize its different for each person but dont go into this trusting them! just cause theyre professionals doesnt mean theyll lie. the first one i saw they made both my parents go but i insisted i didnt want to talk to them so we have separate meetings (i was in for 45 min and my parents were in for 45). so the lady gave me the whole confidentiality speech, but she told every fucking word to my parents!! i didnt catch on till about 2 weeks later cause my parents were pretty subtle but i figured it out and stopped going, cause i went in a separate car i just stopped showing up cause it was bullshit i couldnt trust her. none of my other ones ever told my parents anything but i sure was a btich to them constantly reminding them i didnt trust them some to the point where they dropped my case, others to the point that my parents fired them cause they wouldnt tell them everything. but the point is make sure you can trust who youre seeing before you spill your guts, and just request separate meetings.

one joy in life...
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Tue Mar 5 17:01:57 2002 (#14723)

...is getting a *papa johns* pizza delivered when you are home alone, and scoffing the lot (plus 2 garlic breads!) thats what im experiencing now, and its something that nobody else can ruin...for a change :P

mmm...dip the crusts in that sauce....!!!

Re: one joy in life...
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 5 17:12:40 2002 (#14725)

lol, sounds great! I can't even do that coz I have a wheat allergy :( oh well, enjoy yourself!!!!!!!!!

broken wings and broken veins
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 5 17:06:10 2002 (#14724)

broken wings and broken veins//this angel is fighting a crimson tide//pathways to freedom map her arms and her soul//acrid smoke in her head embodies the pain that she hides

ok, so maybe i'll never be a poet. maybe it makes no sense. I don't know. I don't feel like I know anything anymore. maybe i just need a cigarette. anyways, hopw you like it. take care, love always, el x

Re: broken wings and broken veins
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Tue Mar 5 17:51:04 2002 (#14726)

...*pathways to freedom map her arms and her soul*...

sheesh, you musta wrote that about me :P (i think its awesome btw)

Re: broken wings and broken veins
Posted by mego on Tue Mar 5 22:33:48 2002 (#14750)

sounds good to me.

weird place...
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Tue Mar 5 18:24:42 2002 (#14728)

umm...ok. arms and legs seem to be a favorite. i even know one girl who cut words into her tummy.

but does anyone else cut into the skin around the fingernails? i always used to bite at it and pull it off when i was younger(and WAY before i began to SI), so i have alwayse had sore fingers. but only recently i have stopped biting that area, and using blades to actually slice bits of skin off. makes it hell to type.

Re: weird place...
Posted by mego on Tue Mar 5 22:46:22 2002 (#14752)

i've cut words into my tummy and hips, too. i just cut my arms for the first time last night. big mistake...

Re: weird place...
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Tue Mar 5 23:23:29 2002 (#14757)

how come last night was the first time, and why was it a mistake?

Re: weird place...
Posted by She on Wed Mar 6 19:21:49 2002 (#14790)

Arms probably aint such a great place unless its really cold werer u live and you dont mind wearing a sweater. lots of luv She

Re: weird place...
Posted by mego on Thu Mar 7 02:01:39 2002 (#14815)

first time cause theyre hard to hide, mistake cause they hurt like a bitch and i think theyre infected

confidentiality
Posted by erica on Tue Mar 5 20:19:01 2002 (#14734)

O.K, so the thing is that my doctors office called today. Not my psych, my general. He wants me to come in and see him. I haven't been in since early december. Here's the thing. On sunday I talked to my bishop, who happens to be his father. I told my bishop, i.e. my priest/pastor/minister, that letely if I'm not eating I'm cutting, and if I'm not cutting I'm starving myself. I've also tried purging, but I'm having a really hard time doing that. He thought I should go see my doctor, his son, about what was happening. As well as that I was abused as a child. I was like, there is no way in hell that I am going to tell my doctor that. I mean it was hard enough telling my psychiatrist. The good thing is that my bishop is going to call Lethbridge Family services and see whats happening with getting me a counsellor, and if that doesnt work he'll get me in with my old counsellor. Well anyway the next day my doctor called my parents for my new number, and today they called me at my place. My doctor, whos my bishops son, wants to see me. I don't really want to go, but I will anyways, I mean he did help save my life on my last overdose. But there is no way I want to tell him that I'm cutting and starving myself. This time it's secret. Well what I'm wondering is if my bishop broke confidentiality and told. If he did I don't think I can trust him again. He already broke doctor-patient privelege once. I don't know, I just wanted to get my thoughts out. I don't even know if I will tell my psychiatrist about whats happening.

Erica

Re: confidentiality
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Tue Mar 5 20:30:26 2002 (#14736)

they do have a rule about confidentiality, but maybe this bishop cares so much about you that he just told his son to call you. he might not have gone into detail about why. it's very likely that he just could have told his son "i'm concerned about this girl,i think you should call her." theres no reason to say that the bishop told his son all the details, and even in the small chance that he did tell, its just because he cares and is worried for you.

Labels that dont fit
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Mar 5 21:06:59 2002 (#14737)

Hi Thanx 2 everyone who responded to my 'new' thread, its nice to know I'm wanted somewhere! I am so pissed off with those ignorant people who insist on labelling people and judging what they don't know, they are so concerned with what the out side looks like they can not imagine the pain and hurt that rages inside me. When my friend accidentally saw my wrist once she was repulsed and started treating me like a psycho, just what I need hey? My mum is in denial and my friends don't know what to do with me, I'm just the sad and angry one to be careful around, the one who never wears skirts or short sleeves. Still being a psycho has its advantages, I can do what the hell I like! Broken Girl

Re: Labels that dont fit
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Tue Mar 5 21:18:06 2002 (#14739)

who gives a hell what people think? you are far superior than them because you KNOW what they cannot begin to understand. when people try to pretend everything's fine, that's faking ignorance. your mother is probably not stupid but just doesnt know how to handle it (obviously bc she is ignoring the problem, which makesit worse) my favorite "trick" is that when im on a downer and people think i "just feel a little tired" (PUH-LEASE!), if i get a strange look from someone i dont know, i just whisper loud enough for only them to hear..."freak" its great bc thats exactly what they were thinking of you! i love to see the reactions bc u can tell they are put off their stride, but cant bring themselves to react. it makes me feel on top for a couple of minutes...!

(note: calling "normal" people freaks works especially well if you dress in a style that is punk/hippy/goth/anything not "normal"!)

is that too mean...?

NAAAAH!!!!!!

bent
Posted by idonthaveasoul (yes..posting AGAIN!!) on Tue Mar 5 21:24:44 2002 (#14740)

i guess you guys can tell im not busy today- all ive done is post stuff!!! anyways made my first appointment with a counsellor called Richard for Friday. i figured i would take a short list with stuff on to remind me of what i wanna get off my chest (bc once im there i know i will freeze and my mind will blank out) also, was just listening to Matchbox 20 *LOVE them!* and i kinda figured this one song could do with being posted here. kinda applies to me, maybe you guys will get that feeling too. it's called "Bent"

if i fall along the way,pick me up and dust me off and if i get too tired to make it,be my breath so i can walk. if i need some other love, give me more than i can stand and when my smile gets old and faded, wait around i'll smile again

shouldn't be so complicated just hold me and then.. just hold me again

can you help me i'm bent i'm so scared that i'll never get put back together you're breaking me in and this is how we will end with you and me bent

if i couldn't sleep could you sleep could you paint me better off could you sympathise with my needs i know you think i need a lot

i started out clean but i'm jaded just phoning it in just breaking the skin

start bending me -its never enough till i feel all your pieces start bending me keep bending until i'm completely broken in

shouldnt be so complicated just touch me and then... just touch me again

hi everyone.
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 5 21:49:38 2002 (#14743)

hi guys i haven't been here in a few days. my parents found out from someone. idk who but it sux. they went ripshit on me. i mean like ''omg this is bull shit. what the hell would possess you to do something like that. you didn't just pick it up out of no where. how long have you been doin it a couple of weeks.'' and i was like no for a lot longer than that almost a year i've been doin it since june. and then they said bull shit a few more times and told me that i was a bitch and a liar and it was a bunch of shit and i was just doing it for attention. i hate them soooo much and then my dad tried to be nice and talk to me but that was a bunch of crock cause he didn't care. he didn't even show he cared. now i hafta go see a doctor to talk to and that's alright but they took everything away and i can't fight these stupid urges and it's driving me crazy. idk what to do. i'm so mad. well that's enough outa me. anyone have any ideas what i can do to get rid of the urges if i have nuthin to cut with. i need help. i'm so mad at them. well i'll talk to yall lata. lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: hi everyone.
Posted by Erin on Tue Mar 5 21:57:29 2002 (#14745)

my mom reacted just like that too.. except they didnt get me help or make me talk to anyone

Re: hi everyone.
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 5 22:02:01 2002 (#14746)

hey. that sux. my parents reacted in the same way and they insist on checking my arms etc for cuts and send me to a psych once a week. i can't tell you how to get rid of the urges coz i'm having a bad time with it myself. smoking myself into an early grave...shit

Re: hi everyone.
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Tue Mar 5 22:19:22 2002 (#14748)

they can take away blades but they cant take away your teeth, if you get me. (friend of mine used to bite her wrists when she was about 6-9)

Re: hi everyone.
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 5 23:20:46 2002 (#14756)

thanks everyone for yur help/advice. i'm goin insane. idk what to do. yur replies helped me. thanks for replyin to me. lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: hi everyone.
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Mar 6 02:59:55 2002 (#14762)

I'm sorry your parents don't understand you. If you ever want to write me and just rant and rave, drop me an email. I'll always be here for you. Wish I could make your parents understand, but I can't. Have you thought about writing down your feelings in a journel? It might help get some of the anger down on paper. Since I don't cut, I can't really recommend anything to replace the urge to cut. Maybe some of the other can help in that area. Take care and write if you want to. Love, Rhonda

Re: hi everyone.
Posted by scaredinthedark on Wed Mar 6 22:53:55 2002 (#14802)

thanks that would be good. it's so good that you're here because you know how to make us feel better and help us. you have been through the shock and it's cool that you want to help us instead of just yell at us. thanks. lots of love. scaredinthedark

infected??
Posted by mego on Tue Mar 5 22:54:44 2002 (#14753)

ummm... alright. i usually cut my stomach, so nobody sees, but last night i cut my arm, it was supposed to be only one in the crease of my arm, but it turned into somewhere around 13 or 14. its really swollen around it, like, its huge, and it was bleeding all day at school, and right now its leaking some kinda clear sticky shit and i have no clue what the fucks going on, my stomach never did this. it hurts really bad to straighten my arm, even just a little bit, and all up and down my arm is pretty sore. does this happen to everyone?? maybe i'm just paranoid but this is the first time i've ever cut on anywhere but my stomach, like, really cut and its kinda worrying me. please respond soon. thanks

Re: infected??
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 5 23:26:15 2002 (#14758)

mego idk what to say. you might want to see a doctor to help you with it. make up some lie about it so they don't know the truth. that really sux. i cut there once and it hurt like that but no clear sticky stuff came out of it. i usually stick to my left arm thighs and stomach but i tried that once. it hurts like a bitch. it may need to be checked out. take care and i hope you feel betta soon. lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: infected??
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Tue Mar 5 23:46:56 2002 (#14759)

i get clear stuff, sometimes...how deep did you go? obviously, the area will not be used to being injured, so it's what i call "new flesh" - my right arm is "new flesh" because its only been cut like, twice, and is more sensitive to cuts than the left. i think my left arm is becoming immune to the pain because it gets cut so much. i guess if you keep doing your arms it wont hurt as much in a couple weeks. i wouldnt reccomend it tho, bc its sooo not as easy to hide as the tummy. even when u wear long sleeves, sometimes you can move wrong and the sleeve pulls back. if you are not used to trying to hide your arms it will become tricky to keep remembering.

just to keep your peace of mind, i suggest you clean it up with some comfortably warm water and a cotton ball, put some antiseptic cream on it and cover it up to stop any dirt getting into it.

Re: infected??
Posted by Crimson Fire on Wed Mar 6 04:12:45 2002 (#14766)

yeah mego...disregard everything i told you before about this...just watch for that red line thing and keep it gauzed up...im not a great person to ask for advice on this i like to get mine infected on purpose...yeah im a dipshit. oh well.

Re: infected??
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 6 12:32:27 2002 (#14768)

this happens to me all the time. what I usually do is make sure it's clean then put some antiseptic cream on it and cover it with gauze. it'll hurt like hell for a while but it should get better

Re: infected??
Posted by Milly on Wed Mar 6 23:24:33 2002 (#14805)

Infections can be easily spotted if a clear oily like or opaque pussy like liquid comes out of it. The other major clue is that the area around it is streaked red, and its hot to the touch.

Re: infected??
Posted by Milly on Wed Mar 6 23:28:17 2002 (#14806)

by the way you might want to get it looked at because an infection can cause severe pain and the need for surgery. If its not taken care of it might go as far as joint replacement or amputation. I'm not trying to scare you but I've had past expierinces with infection and it's not to be taken lightly.

Re: infected??
Posted by mego on Thu Mar 7 01:00:17 2002 (#14810)

i cleaned it up and put some neosporin and gause over it, i haven't gotten to take a good look at it since this morning when i bandaged it for school, but it doesn't fucking burn so bad, or didn't until the damn guys kept grabbing it ("what, is this the arm you use when you shoot up?" yeah.) morons. anyone know how i can get rid of the scars once it starts healing? summer is coming up soon, and it would be nice to be able to wear short sleeves... thanks for your help.

hard times
Posted by Donna on Wed Mar 6 00:41:06 2002 (#14760)

im gonna be brief here...my friend commited suicide at da weekend and ever since i've been a mess..moreso than ever beore!! i havent cut in a while and im fighting with myself at the moment to try and stop myself!!!i really need to cut tho..to release the anger!!!!!im cryin all the time, im not sleepin and im not doin any work at school these days!!!my exams are less than 3 months away and i dont think ill get thru them alive!please help!luv donna

Re: hard times
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Mar 6 03:04:44 2002 (#14763)

Oh Donna!! I'm so sorry about your friend. Since I don't have anyone close to me who has done this, I can't say I know how you feel. But please know that I will keep you in my prayers that God will help you in your times of need. If you want to talk, just email me. Please take care of yourself honey, you are very special. Love, RHonda

Re: hard times
Posted by mego on Wed Mar 6 03:17:55 2002 (#14764)

i dont know what to say, i'm not going to try to pretend that i know how you feel because i don't. just know that i'll always be there for you, you can always talk to me if you need to. know it wasn't your fault about your friend. you didnt do anything wrong. its gotta be hard. stay strong, things should get better.

Re: hard times
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 6 12:27:49 2002 (#14767)

oh sweetie, i'm so sorry. my best friend tried to kill herself last summer. she survived but I know how much it screwed me up because for the first week I didn't know that she was still alive. I'm so sorry that you have to hurt like this. it will be hard, and you'll always think about you're friend,but eventually it will get better. I don't know if any of this has helped, but you can ALWAYS talk to me on the board or email me if you want to. take care honey. love always, el x

Re: hard times
Posted by Trout on Wed Mar 6 13:47:08 2002 (#14769)

Donna

This is a terrible thing to happen to you. My sister tried to commit suicide last year so i have some idea what it does to your head and my mum died a couple of years ago so ive been through the whole grief thing. You said you havent been cutting, but now feel the erge try to see this as body letting you know that your in pain emotionally. You've been really strong and this I guess will be a big test for you, getting through it will mean that you will be able to cope with what ever life chucks at you. I find walking, getting out in the countryside, being with animals,children, playing piano helps, anything that is calming. For me angre played a big part in my cutting so when ever I feel, really emotional and angry and really need to cut I start focussing the anger on the person who deserves it: In my case it was a male adult in my life, anyway im starting to realise that I didnt deserve to be beaten up emotionally or physically by myself, I was and i am in alot of emotional pain, I need/needed someone to look after me and that someone is me. Its a slow process but gradually it works, I still get the erge but so far so good. Give yourself space and time and remember there are people that get better, there are people that believe in you and are thinking about you. Always....

Re: hard times
Posted by She on Wed Mar 6 16:56:28 2002 (#14777)

Im soooooo sorry about ur friend .Alot of my familly commited suiside in a very short time.So i kinda know how it feels If you wanna chat just let me know. Lots of love and light She**

Re: hard times
Posted by She on Wed Mar 6 16:56:56 2002 (#14778)

Im soooooo sorry about ur friend .Alot of my familly commited suiside in a very short space of time.So i kinda know how it feels If you wanna chat just let me know. Lots of love and light She**

what does everyone think?
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 6 14:01:53 2002 (#14771)

I've read most of the messages over the past few weeks and it seems to me that there are some people on here who really believe in god and some people who don't seem to. I'm not sure what I believe. it just seems to me that if there was a god "he" wouldn't let people suffer like this. I think the thing that first made me give up was when i was real tiny and my baby brother died. I just thought that how could something that's supposed to be so good kill something so tiny and pure? that was also the starting point of all my problems at home which have led to where I am now. I guess I just want to know how people can keep their faith even after everything they've been through?

I really don't want to offend anyone and I'm sorry if I have, I'm just confused

Re: what does everyone think?
Posted by Trout on Wed Mar 6 14:16:16 2002 (#14772)

I dont believe in God no offence, but im strating to really believe there are some truely amazing people out there, that never fail to suprise and amaze me, Im also starting to really feel that I have strength within me, corny I know, but its true I used to feel like a child most of the time, I used to react emotionally like a child, the rage and emotion coming on uncontrollable like a child, I couldnt stand people saying no to me, sound a bit mad, now I guess the adult part of me is getting stronger and stepping in when My child part feels vunerable or hurt. Please note Im not a psycho this kind of thing occurs in a lot of people but they dont realise or acknowledge it. Anyway this is really a long way of saying I believe in human nature.

Re: what does everyone think?
Posted by Donna on Wed Mar 6 16:59:53 2002 (#14779)

hi ya!there was a time when i really didnt believe in God and it was harder than ever- i didnt have anyone at all then-no one to pray to to help me through my problems! When i see cruel things happen i think to myself now that it is the devil's work!!i believe that's the only rational explanation--for example,there are so many great people in the world who are willing to help us through hard times,if only we'd ask for that help!!! if God let all these bad things happen,then why would he put all these good people on the earth to help us deal with them!it doesn't add up if you ask me!! i believe that there is a God and when the devil gets through and causes people harm and pain he makes sure that someone will come along to help us and make things better again!! i hope im making sense to you but thats what i believe-no matter how hard things are i pray and pray and it can make me feel better...if only for a while...but it helps!!!!

Re: what does everyone think?
Posted by Crimson Fire on Wed Mar 6 18:04:21 2002 (#14784)

i definitely dont believe in god. i really dont want to offend anyone but i used to be INCREDIBLY religious and then it was just like reality check! this is just some bullshit that ive been believing to hide from the truth, this is all there is and all there is is shit. its just my belief that its just something to make you feel better which is great cause if it works for you thats awesome i just cant believe it.

Re: what does everyone think?
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 6 18:59:18 2002 (#14785)

i can't believe it either. it just doesn't make any sense to me

Re: what does everyone think?
Posted by She on Wed Mar 6 19:15:38 2002 (#14787)

FUck id like to belive it .Be it dosnt seem to make n e sence .Im so jelouse of people who do belive it .It must be nice to have something to ook forwards to . Luv she **

Re: what does everyone think?
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Wed Mar 6 22:55:55 2002 (#14803)

i used to be really Churchy (message in the index somewhere talking about that) but even now, that i dont pray as much as i used to, i dont have as much faith as i used to... i still have such a tiny bit of faith left that when the blade gets too close, my tiny little bit of faith makes me stop. im glad for that. also brings to mind the saying "if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can move a mountain" ...i havent moved any mountains, but im still breathing (which seems to me a better accomplishment)

Re: what does everyone think?
Posted by mego on Thu Mar 7 01:54:29 2002 (#14813)

exactly. i look at my mom and friends and even at myself and i wonder what the hell we did to deserve half the shit we put up with. my mom has lived with so much abuse, and now has to watch her children get treated the same. nathan gets beat so bad by his step dad, with his mom standing right outside the garage. wheres god for that? stephs mom is always in institutions for trying to kill herself. steph can't live with her dad because her step mom beat her, her dad never wants to talk to her. she hasn't talked to her little sisters since before christmas. the guy she lost her virginity to over a year and a half ago didn't talk to her until a week or two ago, and only because he broke up with his girlfriend (who he cheated on with stephanie, she had to find out about the other girl about a week or two afterwards). people say that once you truely believe in and accept god, things will change. steph is pretty religious, things aren't getting too much better for her, now are they? if there was a god, how come we are here, cutting ourselves to pieces? how come i used to pray every night for things to get better, and they never did?? fuck that shit. sorry if i offended anyone, but come on now, think about it.

Re: what does everyone think?
Posted by eleanor on Thu Mar 7 21:17:05 2002 (#14836)

I agree with you. My grandma is a proper church goer, but she's had so much shit in her life that I don't know how she can still believe, it seems stupid to me. My friends, one in particular is the most amazing person I know and she's had such a shit life. her mum and dad abandoned her when she was tiny and she now lives with her grandama and her grandma's boyfriend. he's an alcoholic and beats the shit out of them. then my friends boyfriend cheated on her after she'd slept with him and he fucked off and left her and made her life hell. well she's tried to kill herself before and i just can't believe that there's any god who would let such a special person be treated that way. and people on here, your friends, you all seem such great people, you don't deserev this shit.

I really am sorry if I'm offending people, but that's the way I see it

Re: what does everyone think?
Posted by Erin on Thu Mar 7 03:10:03 2002 (#14818)

I dont beleive in god at all

Re: what does everyone think?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Mar 7 04:29:25 2002 (#14822)

I guess I'm one of the people who do believe in God. I know this has come up in the past and things have gotten pretty heated, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I guess that's why I hope no one gets upset if I say I'm gonna pray for them. Anyway, I do believe in God. He is my rock and strength. Take care everyone. Love, RHonda

Re: what does everyone think?
Posted by eleanor on Thu Mar 7 21:20:56 2002 (#14837)

hey. I could never get upset if you offered to pray for me. I may not believe, but I respect the fact that you do. And if someone would offer to do something for me that is so special to them, even though it is not my belief, I would be honoured. I guess it's nice to know that people care enough to offer to do something like that. hope that made sense. love el x

taras mom
Posted by mego on Fri Mar 8 02:27:39 2002 (#14852)

i appreciate that you say you'll pray for me, when things go wrong. not because it has to do with "god" but because i know its what you believe, and your way of trying to help and fix things. thanks for being so understanding

Re: what does everyone think?
Posted by scared aka donna on Fri Mar 8 18:19:48 2002 (#14867)

hi eleanor how are you i havnt spoken 2 u in a while. my lifes been turned upside down but thats just me. hpe you are doin ok. hows school bin 4 ya, teacher got off ya bak yet? i hope so for your sake. well in response to you question bout god, i personally do not believe whats in the bible but i do believe there is sommet out ther just dont no or care wot at the moment! hope ay ok cya luv donna x

please help me?
Posted by She on Wed Mar 6 16:40:46 2002 (#14776)

Hiya

ummm. how do I put this?? Ok my old shrink has gone on long tearm leave and ive had to go to this new guy .Whith my 1st shrink we used to have really layed back sessions and didnt really do v much .But this new guy was so nasty he made me have alode of people come to the sesions with me ( famaliy friedns ect) and expected me to answer thease really deep personal questions .As if i was gonna tell him .When i didnt answer he got really frustrated and shouted at me .Im really shy so I said sorry left and cut deep when i got home to deal thith it. I didnt turn up to my sesions for ages cause they made me feel worse not better. Now the shrink is saying he could send me to a physicriatric hospital or to care. Is he allowed to do this ? Am i allowed to ask for a different guy or just not go at all ? luv She

Re: please help me?
Posted by Donna on Wed Mar 6 17:06:25 2002 (#14780)

hi there!!!thanx for your message!!im so sorry that things are getting worse for you!!!i think you should either move on and get a new shrink or else try your best to tell your new shrink what you want and that having family and friends there makes it worse for you!!!it is about you and what makes you happy is what really matters...so he will have to listen to what you want!!if that doesn't work you should definitely get a shrink who will help!!im sorry you cut too!!!i dont think he can send you to a psychiatric hospital-i think he's tryin to scare you so you'll come to your sessions!! hope his helps ya!! luv Donna

Re: please help me?
Posted by Trout on Wed Mar 6 17:17:43 2002 (#14782)

I have never heard such bollocks, this guy sounds like a fucking jerk, My advice is to see your doctor or who ever and get referred to someone else, and no he cant have you put in a hospital, he would have to section you (if you refuse to go) and then he would have to prove loads of legal stuff,(danger to self/others) which he cant. Your obviously willing to seek help which is excellent so why would they put you in hospital, hes broken all kinds of rules about thereapy and counselling, you should have been forced to have people there if you didn't want, talk about mal practice, dont let this jerk set you back, hes not fucking worth it, make and appointment as soon as to see someone else.

Have you thought or tried counselling Person Centred Counselling is good, as the sessions are lead by you, you are in control, you have the power, and arent about someone thinking they are GOD and have the knowledge. I found this really helpful.

also psychotherapy, which is basically long term therapy.

Or you could try pychodynamic counselling again this if done properly should be led by you and the same as above, the difference being that the counsellor will interpret what you have said into psychology theory, this can help if you like to reinterpret what has happened in your life.

Get some advice of your doctor, they should refer you to someone suitable eg that will allow you control, power etc.

Even look on the net about this type of therapy. let me know if you have more questions. Try to stay calm, take long deep breaths youll soon have this one sorted. I also have had shit therapist, you often have to try a couple to find someone that you click with.

Re: please help me?
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 6 19:57:26 2002 (#14797)

hell no, he can't do that! he'd have to do loads of paperwork and shit and he'd have to justify his reasons, which from what you've said he can't. you should ask for someone else. nobody should have to put up with that crap. I'm lucky with my shrink, she's real nice, but I've heard some horror stories from others on here. you can't put up with that, you deserve so much better!!!!!! good luck! love always, el x x

Re: please help me?
Posted by She on Sat Mar 9 21:02:17 2002 (#14908)

Thanx for that it put my mind at rest. I have been to seen the receptionist since and she's put me on a waiting list for a new guy.But she said I should still consider going to cear prehaps it would be better there ?dunno. thanx again luv She

Success Stories?
Posted by Trout on Wed Mar 6 17:43:32 2002 (#14783)

Are there any success stories, Im doing ok at the mo but need inspirationa and reasurance that people make it. Let me know how your doing, and how you got there, tips.

Re: Success Stories?
Posted by Jason on Thu Mar 7 03:07:56 2002 (#14817)

I haven't cut since about last October. I'm not sure what my trick was. My life hasn't gotten any better. I've actually been through a few serious let-downs since then which gave me the urge to cut. Somehow I resisted. I just got burnt out on it I guess.

Since then I've been trying to get some of my more serious scars to heal. Maybe that's why I stopped.

Just try to think of something else to do if you're depressed. Like drinking. I've been doing a LOT more of that. Substitute alcohol for razor blades. :Þ

--Jason

Re: Success Stories?
Posted by Erin on Thu Mar 7 03:15:22 2002 (#14819)

I thought I had one...

Re: Success Stories?
Posted by Crimson Fire on Thu Mar 7 03:58:15 2002 (#14820)

i dont have a personal success story but my best friend is a success story. she cut for about 3 years after she got molested in a dingy old apartment on her walk home. she said after she found a good therapist she just talked and after about a year of therapy she started to realize she didnt want to anymore and a month after that she slowly started not to. now her scars are fading and there are no new ones!!

Re: Success Stories?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Mar 7 04:20:39 2002 (#14821)

I think Tara is a success story. She hasn't cut in almost 9 months because of a wonderful therapist who truly helped her. She has also had the total support of her family. Now she is out on her own(my baby moved out!!) and is doing good. Of course, she still has days when she gets depressed, but now she knows she can work through it. I hope she can keep going, but if she doesn't, then she can always turn to her father and me for support. Take care. Love,Rhonda

Re: Success Stories?
Posted by Ruth on Fri Mar 8 00:31:41 2002 (#14849)

Hey, I look at this bored often but rarely post.. I've been cutting since the age of 13, now 18 I'm recovering from a breakdown, I hardly cut anymore (not for a few months now) basically cos of the scars. At the moment I don't think I need it anymore, but I might start cutting more as my Dad is dying form cancer and doesn't have long to live... My fiancee is alos doing really well with self harm, he was cutting really deep, but now hasn't really cut for about 9 months :) So you CAN over come cutting, but you have to be SO determinated to sort out the problems which cause them Good luck love Ruth

Re: Success Stories?
Posted by Trout on Fri Mar 8 13:13:46 2002 (#14863)

Im sorry to here about your Dad. Its really hard, I watch my mum dieing of cancer for 6 months.

Its hard to describe how it felt, like your perminantly on edge, waiting, alseep but still listening, every cough, twinge questioning is this is it. Then its over, relief and grief.

You have done so well to stop so far, I realise that this time will be harder, and will be easy to slip back. Im not going to say dont, if you do, dont be too hard on yourself this is an terrible time, and If you have stopped once you can do it again.

Over the past months you must have had other coping stategies or developed some different ways of dealing with stuff try to identify what they are so that you can fall back on them.

Keep talking in my own experience its the only thing that has kept me sane, talk to me if its difficult to talk to anybody else.

Love always

Re: Success Stories?
Posted by Ruth on Mon Mar 11 20:32:24 2002 (#15006)

Thanks for your reply :)would have posted sooner but I've been away for the weekend. Its so confusing my Dad dying form cancer, he doesn't seem so ill, so I feel I'm able to cope, then other times I'm in tears at the thought of losing him. It's horrid that I'm just waiting for him to die... Thanks for the advice. How did you cope with your motheres death? I need all the advice I can get! I think whats been helping me most recently is that the hope that things are going to get better, but now they won't for quite a while and instead get a lot worst. I'm not worried about starting cutting again, what I am worried about is getting into that deep depression, where you don't even have the energy to move. Take care Love Ruth XXXX

Re: Success Stories?
Posted by She on Wed Mar 13 17:04:15 2002 (#15104)

Humm

Well done people who gave up thats really cool. I havent given up SI yet.However i have just given up heroin but its only been fust 3 weeks i cant belive thats all it seams like an eternity . ohhh well its gotta get better huh. well that leaves me with only about 11 more things to give up argh. Stresed she

n e one here
Posted by She on Wed Mar 6 19:17:57 2002 (#14788)

Is n e one here at the moment im lonley

Re: n e one here
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 6 19:20:27 2002 (#14789)

yep. i'm here!

Re: n e one here
Posted by She on Wed Mar 6 19:24:42 2002 (#14791)

cool.

Re: n e one here
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 6 19:44:16 2002 (#14793)

thanx for replying to my other message

swimming hell
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 6 19:51:05 2002 (#14794)

ok, so my mum and dad believe me when I say that my shrink/medication are working and i've stopped cutting. shit, they must be so stupid if they think i'm "cured" just like that but they do. but now my mum, just so she can keep her eye on me 24 hours a day wants me to go swimming with her. I've obviously not stopped cutting and my arms are a real mess. she's not seen them, I wouldn't show her. I can't think of an excuse not to go. any help/advise would be great. thanks guys

Re: swimming hell
Posted by diana on Wed Mar 6 21:17:41 2002 (#14800)

1)tell her that you have other plans 2)tell her thats not gonna work to go swimming n she isn't ever gonna see ur arms n that its none of her business 3)last minute blow her off n leave 4)tell her u have ur period n that u don't use tampons 5)tell her u lost interest in swimming n u can't be forced to do nething u don't want to

Re: swimming hell
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Wed Mar 6 22:48:37 2002 (#14801)

OOOOH!!! get one of those majorly old-fasioned bathing suits that covers your arms, tummy, and goes up to your neck and down to your ankles!!!!! just say you have had enough of being ogled by horrific old men so you are covering up!!!!!

Re: swimming hell
Posted by Crimson Fire on Thu Mar 7 01:56:47 2002 (#14814)

i like the old fashioned suit idea!! haha my parents did that too they thought the day i saw my very first shrink id be "cured" the moment i walked out of the office. then they started coming in as soon as i got out of the shower to look at my arms. then if i didnt walk up to them and shove my arms into her face shed accuse me of hiding them. whenever she asks me to go swimming i say "nah, but ill go to the gym with you..." and just wear long sleeves in the gym. just tell her that going to the gym burns more calories and you can work specific muscle groups.

Re: swimming hell
Posted by eleanor on Thu Mar 7 21:03:59 2002 (#14834)

hehe! thanx everyone, I'll try some of these

Re: swimming hell
Posted by mego on Thu Mar 7 02:21:27 2002 (#14816)

yep. vegetable soup. make a can and make sure she sees you eating it. complain about not feeling well, when you get a chance, water down some from another can and dump it into the toilet. tell her you threw up. its always worked for me. good luck!

Re: swimming hell
Posted by She on Thu Mar 7 16:53:56 2002 (#14828)

Urmm yeah i really like the old swimming costume is a good idear . but they must be pritty damn hard to get hold of so you could -tell her you wanna make a really big thing of going swiming and go scuba diving instead so u could wear a wet sute. - Just go but " accidentalt forget youe swimming costume Good Luck Lots of love she

www.self-harm.co.uk
Posted by talek on Wed Mar 6 19:52:54 2002 (#14795)

http://www.self-harm.co.uk

offering support and information for anyone who is affected by self injury

http://www.self-harm.co .uk

Liar. Liar. Liar.
Posted by Sara on Wed Mar 6 19:53:58 2002 (#14796)

Why is the only people i can't open up to about my feeling my parents? My mom, she keeps asking me if i'm all right, how things are going, if I need her, and I all i can say is that i am fine. I am not fine. I have not been fine for years. She knows I "used to" cut, doesn't know that it's still with me, everyday, every minute, every second. This automatic wall goes up... i can't hurt her. I am so scared... my therapy appt is so long away... so scared cuz it's getting really bad again. Oh god, i feel stupid for doing this.

Re: Liar. Liar. Liar.
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 6 20:04:36 2002 (#14798)

sweetie, I know how you feel. i can't talk to my mum at all. I'm always lying to her about how I am, but then again she's as screwed up as me so it's not really surprising. It sounds like your mum cares about you? you shouldn't worry about the truth hurting her, it would hurt her more if something went wrong with the cutting.

Ok, I really am sounding like a hyppocrit now. I really do know how hard it is to talk to your parents about this, i'm not strong enough to do it. Don't feel stupid! eveyone needs to let things out once in a while! I hope my babble has helped a bit. take care, love always, el x x

cutting
Posted by shandra on Wed Mar 6 20:41:01 2002 (#14799)

Yeah, the scars will fade but it will take time. Mine are years old and are only starting to turn pink.

My soul is dying
Posted by Jasmine on Thu Mar 7 01:02:50 2002 (#14811)

Check this out.......

I hadn't lived with my daddy since i was 3 right, and thats because my parents got a divorce. Im cool with that and everything but it's my brother i hate so much, he use to beat my up when i was little and one time he had let all his friends come over and they where reaching down my shirt and shit and he just set there and laughed. Nobody knows about that but yet my daddy says i have to love him i cant and i wont.. Last year i tryed to kill myself because i keep all my feelins bottled up and when they decide to come out i tend to hurt myself. It's the only way i feel better, i need to feel loved and no one gives that to me not even my parents who tend to call me a "Bitch" and push me. My only friends our my pills i sometimes "OD" on and my scars that i have to prove i cut myself, ive even tryed suffication but nothing works for me. I need that physical pain to get rid of the emotional pain that puts millions of holes in my heart. DESPERATE FOR LOVE>.....

Re: My soul is dying
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Thu Mar 7 09:08:04 2002 (#14824)

i know how it feels to hate your brother. (i have one that tried to push me down the stairs when i was 14, and pinned me to my bed trying to strangle me because he was drunk and i told him to stop drinking- he is 3 years older than me) and i understand as well about the parents (my mom calls me a bitch and she just laughs and carries on reading the newspaper whenever i try to express how upset and angry i am)

its a good thing that you came here because all the people here are really lovely, and by reading these posts you can see that you are Not alone, and people Do care because we understand.

take care xxx

Re: My soul is dying
Posted by eleanor on Thu Mar 7 21:32:07 2002 (#14839)

hey sweetie. I can't identify with you on the brother thing, my lil brother is the only member of my family that keeps me alive, but I know what it's like to not feel loved. I'm so glad you can talk to people here now. they're great and they really do care, so do I. love always, el x x

does ne1 needa good laugh?
Posted by diana on Thu Mar 7 04:42:16 2002 (#14823)

well if ne1 needs a good laugh then check this webpage out, but to warn u its perverted as hell...http://www.blacklungs.c om/fun.html

my sister sent it to me n i was having such a bad day but now im still cracking up over it.. so respond after u look at it if u do.

Re: does ne1 needa good laugh?
Posted by eleanor on Thu Mar 7 21:46:59 2002 (#14840)

hhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...... .... what can I say about that ?????????? hehe! :)

Re: does ne1 needa good laugh?
Posted by mego on Fri Mar 8 02:39:43 2002 (#14853)

oh my god!! thats disgusting! what kinda people would do that?? haha, old men with loose skin and old wrinkly balls...gross!! haha, i dont know if it put me in a good mood, kinda disturbing... haha, but it deffinately made me laugh.

Re: does ne1 needa good laugh?
Posted by mego on Fri Mar 8 02:39:52 2002 (#14854)

oh my god!! thats disgusting! what kinda people would do that?? haha, old men with loose skin and old wrinkly balls...gross!! haha, i dont know if it put me in a good mood, kinda disturbing... haha, but it deffinately made me laugh. thanks

Adictions
Posted by She on Thu Mar 7 17:07:17 2002 (#14829)

dose any one know of a good way to ease out of an addiction. I have soooo many addictions Heroin tobacco weed Selfharm if its there i have to have it .Its getting to be a HUGE problem cuase im getting to be really poor and Ill . Ive just given up heroin and tobacco (im doing 2 at the time) and so far its been not so bad but im starting to crave more and it ends ap with me cutting more often which sux. So if you have any ideas plaese let me know Loads of love She

Re: Adictions
Posted by c on Thu Mar 7 20:56:44 2002 (#14833)

my best remedie is to fill your life with everything you can...keep yourself busy but avoid situations where you'll be tempted...like if you're going someplace where you know there will be heroin...dunno what to tell you about the tobacco....just try to keep yourself moving...that way you'll be less likely to think about the stuff you know you shouldn't be thinking about.

Re: Adictions
Posted by She on Fri Mar 8 18:48:28 2002 (#14871)

Thanx for that c Everythings going pritty well at the moment i think its been around 2 weeks without any heroine and about 2 and a half without tobacco .Good huh.Ive saved loads of money so im gonna go bye something nice saturday .

Hope your doing ok sounds like ur having a pritty crap time at the moment.If there is ANYthing i can do o help let me know. loads o love She

oh boy
Posted by c on Thu Mar 7 17:08:39 2002 (#14830)

hey guys, it's been a while since my last post and i wanted to touch base with you guys on a couple things.... i think i'm going crazy...i realized that i'm not depressed, i've been depressed before and this isn't it. right now i'm fine, happy, smiling, in a fuck-it state of mind...but something'll happen and i'll start thinking, you know the thinking. the voices, screaming, telling you how worthless and disappointing you are...how no one wants to be around you and how everything you always believed in is a lie...i just wanna die...yeah, this has been happening way too much lately...i find myself driving, scratching, and fighting the urge not to drive over that dead-ended cliff, or swerve into oncoming traffic...i twitch, but have to keep moving...i pace and can't focus...my thoughts can't keep up with themselves so i can't figure out why i'm really upset..it just swarms all at once. and then it'll die down and i'm left with blood under my fingernails, half a tank of gas, and emotionally drained. i haven't told anyone about these attacks until yesterday when i found myself in the next state. i think i drove a little far that time. but it's gotten to the point where it'll happen 2 times a day, usually both at night...horrible horrible attacks...like i can't live like this...but good news, i told my mom and we're going to a doctor to see if it's a medical thing and if not i'm gonna try to find a decent therapist... next matter...i was reading those past posts about God and i'd like to share something with you guys...i had a good friend of mine shoot himself last fall...really hard on all of us...but he was one of my church buddies. he was SO amazing and had such a passion for life...which was surprising b/c of all the crap that went wrong in his life..his mom died a year ago, he got heavy into drugs, then, 2 days before his death he got expelled from his senior yr. of high school...but i was so confused...he was one of the ppl who brought me out of my depression and taught me how to live again..and now he didn't feel like life was worth living? what the hell? but after time i realized that he was where he wanted to be...he said in his last letter that he was known as being different to different ppl but the person he wanted to be remembered as was the "fun-loving Christian guy." that was the time when he was happiest. now i'm not gonna go on this big thing about how God loves you but i will say that if someone has that much crap in his life to the point where it's just not worth living, and he sees something in this whole GOd thing....something that gave him hope..and something to look forward to, then there's has to be something there...i know it's like..."well then why would God let that happen and why'd he kill himself?" and i don't know...life's a bitch...but he was happiest when he was surrounded with God's love and that's where he wanted to be...and i personally know that when i give something up to GOd it will work itself out one way or another...somethings you just have to let go of, stuff you can't control...like the past..and give it up to God...it's out of your hands....well, sorry this has been so long...love and peace c "peace give I to you" i love and miss you todd.

Re: oh boy
Posted by idonthave a soul on Thu Mar 7 22:46:51 2002 (#14842)

wow.... thanks for sharing that. i cant say that i understand about losing someone like that, but i Can say that i am here if u ever wanna bitch at someone about how shit everything is.

take care xxx

• My Spankin' New Site •
Posted by Jason on Thu Mar 7 20:02:11 2002 (#14832)

I've just finished doing a MAJOR overhaul on my website. It's lookin' better than ever. It's got pictures of cuts and essays.

WARNING: It is very triggering!

Enjoy, Jason

www.darkhosts.com/iammi sery

Re: • My Spankin' New Site •
Posted by The Person on Thu Mar 7 22:11:36 2002 (#14841)

i like it.t'is alot better than before. r u happier now? i mean in the cutting way. love and support

Jxx

Re: • My Spankin' New Site •
Posted by Jason on Fri Mar 8 01:11:51 2002 (#14850)

Glad you like it. Happier? Um, overall not really. Circumstances are different now than they were 6 months ago. If there's not something dragging me down then I'm usually OK. But there's ALWAY something dragging me down it seems. :(

Anyway, stop back by sometime, Jason

Re: • My Spankin' New Site •
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Thu Mar 7 23:09:12 2002 (#14844)

i love it. i really like the pics most tho. and i know what the trash part feels like- replaced before you're even out..!! makes me sick. mine was supposed to last a million lifetimes so i hear ya on that.

Re: • My Spankin' New Site •
Posted by eleanor on Thu Mar 7 23:40:25 2002 (#14847)

That was great, I loved it. I don't think I could ever share pictures like that but it's great that you can. x

Re: • My Spankin' New Site •
Posted by Jason on Fri Mar 8 01:14:10 2002 (#14851)

Love sucks huh? It's strange that I still want to find it again though. I'm almost certain at this point that my ideal relationship is pretty much impossible. I really am a masochist.

Glad you liked the site though. --Jason

Re: • My Spankin' New Site •
Posted by scaredinthedark on Fri Mar 8 21:54:21 2002 (#14882)

hey jason. yur site is great. i went to it and i was like wow. it was a good site. it made me think of why i cut and how i cut. but you don't wanna hear about that. lol. anyways good job and if you wanna chat sumtime im me (sassycggurl) i'm on a lot. sumtimes on yur site but hey whatever. take care. lots of love. scaredinthedark

random shit
Posted by eleanor on Thu Mar 7 23:28:06 2002 (#14845)

hey guys. hope you don't mind but i've had a shit day and i'm really losing it. I don't wanna cut, been doin really well, but I'm goin mad and if I don't do something(ie write this) i know I'm not gonna be able to stop myself. if there's anyone out there feel free to write back. I don't care what you talk about, I just need something to take my mind off things.

Re: random shit
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Thu Mar 7 23:40:24 2002 (#14846)

i had a shit day too. just sit down with a cuppa and dont think of anything at all. close your eyes and picture yourself in the place which makes you most happy. not just say "oh i'd like to be there", actually make yourself feel as if you're there (for me its a summers day in some woods with a nice little stream with a white horse, a small picnic for me and no people around!)

but the only problem with this medicine is when you have to open your eyes....

but dont get sad because you can always close them again!!! (and failing all that, you've still got your cuppa!!!!)

Re: random shit
Posted by eleanor on Thu Mar 7 23:46:46 2002 (#14848)

thanks. now I'm on a beach down surrounded by cliffs that I used to go to when I was little. the sky's blue and there's a lovely cool breeze and all I can hear are the waves lapping against the shore. mmmmmmmmmmmm, lovely!

Re: random shit
Posted by mego on Fri Mar 8 03:16:32 2002 (#14856)

i have days like that too. today isnt too bad, i'm gonna cut in a few minutes, i know that, but i dont really know why and it doesnt matter. in an hour and a half i'll be gone, smoking a cigarette, listening to music and i cant wait to be outta this house and away from all these people. damn... dont mean to bitch, you just said to start talking, and i'm good at rambling on and on about nothing, i'm sure you can tell. my little bro just interrupted me after that sentense to tell me the neighbor burns himself with a lighter and that hes weird for it... hmmmm.... what if he knew what kinda web site i was on right now?? probably tell my mom. what kinda music do you listen to? sorry, still rambling. i need to shut up.

to mego
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 8 20:03:43 2002 (#14872)

hey mego. I can't wait to get out of my place, "home". They all drive me nuts. Parents are shit. You weren't rambling, I do though, all the time. it's all shit mostly. Music? Well I listen to a lot of old rock, led zeppelin, bruce springsteen, jimi hendrix. I guess I'm kinda weird, well that's what most people at school think. people my age don't usually listen to that stuff. I like stuff like blink 182 and all that too. i'm not really fussy tho, I'm the kinda person who'll listen to everything. how about you? It's really hard when someone in your own family says something like what your lil bro said. I know my family freaked when they found out about my cutting. I guess people don't like what they don't understand? Anyway, i'm rambling now. hope I haven't bored you too much?!

Re: to mego
Posted by mego on Sat Mar 9 00:17:18 2002 (#14886)

no, you werent rambling. and youre not weird at all, you listen to some pretty good music bro!! i was listening to zeppelin and petty this morning...good stuff right there. i'm into blink182 and greenday and all that stuff too. kinda obsessed actually... i really dont think people dont like what they dont understand. thats why i try to keep an open mind about most things, but i still have my problems. i guess everyone does though. how old are you again?? i gotta go! later bro

Re: to mego
Posted by eleanor on Sat Mar 9 01:37:21 2002 (#14889)

I'm 17. Wow, somebody who doesn't think my taste in music is weird..........that's gotta be a first! the only people I know who like the same music as me are two guys at school. they're in a band, pretty good. I think i'm pretty open minded, at least I hope I am, but yeah like you say everyone has their problems

drs appt nightmare!!!
Posted by Erryn on Fri Mar 8 02:54:57 2002 (#14855)

I went to the dr for the first time in 6 yrs,and it was a nightmare, the guy made me feel more depressed and ready to go home and cut, he told me that there was no help for me and that i should just grow up and stop. I told him if I could i would have a long time ago maybe 11yrs ago when i started, he also said i was teaching my children who are 5 and 2 how to hurt themselves, even if they never see it. he was a ass, but i dont have much money and my job was paying for him, does anyone now somewhere else that is good with si. thanks for the help xxErryn

Re: drs appt nightmare!!!
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Fri Mar 8 07:44:52 2002 (#14860)

what an absolute dick! its people like this who make us NOT want to look for help. unless you are around London then I wont know anywhere to suggest to you.

actually, tara's mom said something about a great therapist in Oklahoma, so if you are there maybe you should talk to her about it.

good luck

Re: drs appt nightmare!!!
Posted by She on Fri Mar 8 16:47:22 2002 (#14864)

Those people can be compleat dicks how the hell would they know what where feeling .Yeah Theyr supposed to make you better but i know that I'll feel like shit when i get home from an appointment. But dont give up its SOO good that youve gone for help keep trying there has to be at least one good shrink out there ( hasent there) loads of love She

Re: drs appt nightmare!!!
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 8 20:09:36 2002 (#14873)

god I hate people like that. they think they know it all when they haven't got a clue. I live in england in the east midlands so I can't help unless you're from round here. sorry, I wish I could! I'm sure someone will be able to help. Don't give up! you've come far enough to get help again, don't let one asshole put you off. x x

Re: drs appt nightmare!!!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Mar 9 23:29:50 2002 (#14909)

Where do you live Erryn? I sure wish you lived in Oklahoma cause there is a good therapist in Oklahoma City. If you'll tell me what state you live in, I'll call Dr. Gilbert and see if he can recomend someone is your area. Let me know. As for the one you went to, he shouldn't even be allowed to pratice. He's an ass! NO one has the right to talk to anyone like that that is looking for help. It's a good thing I wasn't there cause my mouth would have got the better of me and I probably would have gotten in trouble. And if your kids don't see you doing this to yourself, don't worry. The older one might pick up on your being depressed or something, but they are really too young to totally understand. If he or she asks, just explain it in terms they could understand about you're just really sad right now. As long as you are taking good care of your children, I wouldn't worry about it. You sound like a wonderful mother and in the future, you will have a different understanding when things go wrong in their lives. You'll be able to understand better. Just take care of those beatuiful little babies and yourself. If you ever want to talk, just email me. Love, Rhonda

Re: drs appt nightmare!!!
Posted by Erryn on Sun Mar 10 00:18:27 2002 (#14911)

Hey Taras mom I wish i would have brought someone with me that can stand up to him it would have made it a little better. I live in Ohio, in a little town around the Dayton area. thanks for trying to help Erryn

Re: drs appt nightmare!!!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Mar 10 20:21:14 2002 (#14922)

I'll call him this week and see if he can help me out with some names or something. When he gets back to me, I'll let you know. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

hemopheliac by choice
Posted by mego on Fri Mar 8 03:32:17 2002 (#14857)

chosing hemophelia as an escape//never letting myself heal//i tell myself i have to wake up//this is a nightmare it cant be real//another hit if it makes you happy//another morning to wake up sad//another laugh that means nothing//and makes you wonder at what you once had//some more words that mean nothing//in ink running with salty tears//another day slowly passes by//like the past few years//screaming at the top of your lungs//but nobody stops to listen//a cut here a million scars there//its everybody else's decision//maybe someday you will look back on this//and laugh at what you thought//youll smile and laugh and be okay//how much does happiness cost?//i've already given up my soul//my smile and my skin//theres got to be somthing else out there//i just want to start over again//i remember my mom smiling when things werent so bad//and the feeling of being complete//now look at us falling apart//i'm burning in the heat//the air is thick with tension//thats building up as the minutes tick buy//i hate being like this in front of people//i'm never going to cry//the tension is thicker and someones gonna snap//and still i wish for the old days, i need those days back

Re: hemopheliac by choice
Posted by wallflower on Fri Mar 8 04:00:50 2002 (#14858)

Wow, that's a beautiful poem. I definitely feel that way a lot. . . Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. I have some more poems too, and I'll post them sometime soon I hope. Really that's a beautiful poem though . . . just wanted you to know.

Re: hemopheliac by choice
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 8 20:12:42 2002 (#14874)

I wish I could write like you. keep posting your poems - it really helps me to know that someone else feels the same as me.

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