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Threads 3601 to 3650

cant stop it...
Posted by Loser on Mon Feb 25 15:03:40 2002 (#14415)

Hi... Im also like u guys... I always cut when I feel depressed or somthing like that. I dont know how to stop this bad habit. I tried not to cut but I still couldnt stop it. Theres something in myself that forced me to do this. I dont know what is it... Please give me some tips or advice on how to stop it... Please...

Re: cant stop it...
Posted by scared AKA donna on Mon Feb 25 15:30:39 2002 (#14416)

how long have you been cutting? if lke me you have been cutting for not too long (erm i dunno a coupla months or so) then it would be a good idea to get help, like maybe a psychiatrist or something. maybe it would help if you had some noe close to you to talk to maybe your parents (depending on how old you are) have you told anyone already? if you have and that didnt help and you truly do want to stop, not because you feel you need to conform, then maybe try writing a diary? or poetry? or if your angry just punch a cushion or something daft. if it prevents you from cuttin then its good not daft. i havent told my parents about my self harm but im going to i think because i want counsiling to try and understand whats going on in my head. we are all different though so i dont know how to help you to stop really. i can make suggetsions of stuff to do that woudl distract you but depending on you personally and your current situation i dont know if that would help.

im sorry for babbling, i tend to do that a lot! i hope that you are ok and i have been of some help, take care xxdonnaxx

Re: cant stop it...
Posted by Abigail on Mon Feb 25 21:30:52 2002 (#14429)

Hey there. I am on the road to stopping cutting I think and hope. Yesterday and really all weekend I have been trying to restrain myself from cutting. But yesterday the urge became almost too much to take. I got out a red felt tip pen and did the same motion that I do with a razor. It had the same sort of effect. Pressure on the spot, almost a little pain and then redness like blood. But after I did it for awhile and looked at my wrist I felt a little relief but no guilt at hurting myself. I read though that this method can back fire because we can just cut right over the pen mark. I hope it works for you though. Good luck and you can write me if you need to.

the vicious cycle
Posted by scared AKA donna on Mon Feb 25 16:54:46 2002 (#14417)

the nights are the worst. i have time to think and when i have time to think i have time to cut and when i have time to cut i make time to feel ashamed angry and hurt and when i have time to feel all those things i make time for myself to cut again. the nights are the worst.

Re: the vicious cycle
Posted by Donna on Mon Feb 25 17:13:07 2002 (#14418)

i know how you feel-the nights are the worst for me too! i usually go online now and type to keep myself bust-it helps me. i also phone friends-i talk about general things but it keeps me away from my wrists! i hope you're ok luv Donna

Re: the vicious cycle
Posted by mego on Mon Feb 25 23:00:03 2002 (#14433)

yeah, i know exactly how that is. thats mostly when i cut. it sucks. i can't sleep without it unless i'm messed up or exhausted

Re: the vicious cycle
Posted by ~~~~~~ on Mon Feb 25 23:10:36 2002 (#14434)

i feel ya pain girl. i'm sorry you feel that way and i feel that way. i hope things get betta. love to ya.

to donna
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Feb 25 17:17:58 2002 (#14419)

cheers. thats wot i do aswell, stick around online and type away about nothing nuch. i would ring people but i dont have that many friends and the ones i do i cant really talk to. ive told an adult about my cutting, shes really nice about it bcs of her daughter doing it. im ashamed to say that she is probably my only real friend (that i can talk to), a 45 year old mum of 2! great!

hope your ok im gonna go and have my tea

cya luv n stuff xxdonnaxx

as bad as I thought
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Feb 25 19:50:51 2002 (#14424)

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! so I went back to school and straight away one of the cuts on my arm from last night started bleeding again. I went to the tilet to sort it out and ran into the teacher who's been following me and he saw my arm. He's just rung my dad and told him bout my medication and that I'm still cutting. mum's gonna go mental...again. I really don't need this right now. shit, I knew this would happen. Why can't he leave me alone???? Thanx to everyone who replyed yesterday by the way. x x

Re: as bad as I thought
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Feb 25 20:10:43 2002 (#14425)

oh thats sooooo bad luck!i hope that youll be alrite chuck. it would seriously do my head in if a teacher folowed me around n all that crap! tell him to getlost. your in 6th form arent u...just change skools or go 2 kollege insted thats wot i did xx

u shudnt be askin me if im alrite n need to talk it shud be me askin u! soooo having said that if u wanna talk you know where i am. my email adress is smirfs@aol.com ok? cya later, hope you feel better luv xxdonnaxx

Re: as bad as I thought
Posted by Beautiful Loser on Tue Feb 26 06:21:47 2002 (#14451)

This teacher obviously doesn't understand, but he must care, right?

Hope you feel better.

TO: every1 who replyed to am i self harming?
Posted by anon on Mon Feb 25 20:14:40 2002 (#14426)

thankyou for your help. ok so maybe i am self harming i dunno but well, your all telling me to get help but i fink id be exagerating or somet? i dunno but hey.....thanks anyway for making me feel welcome xxxxx

Re: TO: every1 who replyed to am i self harming?
Posted by Beautiful Loser on Tue Feb 26 01:53:48 2002 (#14437)

Well, about getting help, I wouldn't want to be the one to tell you that, you might not feel comfortable getting help, you know? All I could tell you is to be responsible, take control, be careful and when you think it's getting out of control, get help :)

take care

Re: TO: every1 who replyed to am i self harming?
Posted by mego on Tue Feb 26 03:52:37 2002 (#14439)

i dont think youre exaggerating. i think other people might, if you brought it up, but i just know that because i started off with little things, and it just got worse and worse, that theres a good chance it will with you, too. i hope you take my advise, but i dont take anyone's about getting help, i hope i dont sound like a hypocrit. good luck!

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

dammit
Posted by i'd rather not say on Mon Feb 25 21:58:01 2002 (#14431)

dammit! dammit! dammit! i didn't cut for 2 weeks and then sumone just hadta push me so last night before i went to bed i cut nine times on my arm and i carved death and dying into my thigh. as if you know cutting isn't bad enough it's my thigh. my arm i can handle. i only do the left and i'm right handed so it doesn't matter but my thigh. i like to swim and that season is comin soon. my scars stay purple and they don't fade very well. it sux. i love wearin my bathin suit and swimmin with friends and i don't look bad in one so i didn't need to be ashamed or anything but now i have death and dying there where everyone can see it. and in school today it started to bleed again cause i got hit in the leg with somethin and they blood went through my pant leg so you could see the words on my pants so i hadta cover it up. no one saw it thought so i guess that's good. it sux. sorry i'm just talkin away i needed to vent. thanks for listenin to my shit. love to ya all.

Re: dammit
Posted by mego on Tue Feb 26 03:59:24 2002 (#14441)

that sucks bro. my scars last a long time, too. i read somewhere that putting lotion with vitamin c in it or something helps them fade. i've never tried it, because my scars are always covered up, but it might work. good luck!

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: dammit
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Feb 26 05:19:26 2002 (#14446)

hey i hear ya sista!! i always have to wear bulky clothes cause i have to wrap so much damn gauz on mine and it sucks cause its starting to get hot as hell down here and i surf and swim and everything. know what KINDA works though? get like waterproof foundation matched to your body skin color not your face and use a little of that, of course it doesnt help with the face that the scars are all bumpy and stuff, but it helps them be just a little less noticeable so they dont stand out like crazy. i did that for swim team after people started asking and then they never noticed them again. hope it works!!

Re: dammit thanks guys
Posted by i'd rather not say on Tue Feb 26 21:58:18 2002 (#14465)

hey thanks for yur responses. it means a lot. maybe i will try the suggestions. ttyl8a. bye. thank you very much.

Re: dammit thanks guys
Posted by *me* on Tue Feb 26 22:53:19 2002 (#14468)

Hey..just another idea for you re: swimming and swimsuits. Wear board shorts. They cover up your thighs and they're still fashionable. That's what I wear when I have to go swimming.

Take care and stay safe!

Re: dammit thanks guys
Posted by i'd rather not say on Tue Feb 26 22:57:54 2002 (#14469)

thanks thats a good idea

IM SOO PISSED OFF WITH ME AND MY SHITTY LIFE!!!!!!
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Feb 25 23:33:03 2002 (#14435)

its 10:30pm rite now and im nakered. i wanna go to sleep but i cant. i wanna stay awake and keep occupyed but thats hard when your so nakered. i only have the enrgy to cut. i have to get up 2moro and pretend i give a shit. if it wasnt for cutting id be dead 2moro, i wouldnt be around for my goddamn 17th. who gives a shit!! i dont so why should my family!! they think im happy the hopeless pieces of shit. cant they see through me or are they denying the fact that im sooo unhappy. i hate my life i HATE me. i HATE school. i HATE my so called friends and i hate life, existance. im seing no way out. HELP me please is what im crying out but noone here in england is taking a blind bit of notice. im slowly dying on the inside.

Re: IM SOO PISSED OFF WITH ME AND MY SHITTY LIFE!!
Posted by zandra on Mon Feb 25 23:48:47 2002 (#14436)

hey girl. i feel yur pain. i feel most of what you just said. actually i'm goin through that right now too. if you need to talk i'll be on for a while longer. just im me(sassycggurl) ok. we can talk about whatever you want. i hope you feel better soon. <3 always zandra

Re: IM SOO PISSED OFF WITH ME AND MY SHITTY LIFE!!
Posted by abigail on Tue Feb 26 07:25:06 2002 (#14454)

I just want to let you know I was born in England and have always wanted to live there. I don't know why I think this might help you. But I think sometimes getting a perspective on what you do have helps. I live in the usa and have no cool accent. I hate myself also. I think that is the hardest step to make to help your self is to know that you are worthy to be happy and to like yourself. It is so hard when you hate yourself and you hate what you do to yourself. I hope I helped. You can always write to me.

I felt that way before but I'm different now
Posted by Dawn on Mon Mar 4 07:36:56 2002 (#14682)

There are many many new people on here that most won't know me, nor I you. My arms are covered with evidence of how pissed off I've been at who, what, and how I've lived, felt, and behaved. Stats are, 124 days away from tuning 50. I didn't think I'd make it to 40. Wonder how I made it to 30, and am grateful of God's wonderful faithfulness to get me where I am today. Its an absolute miracle. If I sent you a copy of my biography you would think so yourself. It truel is a miracle and my miracle's name is Jesus Christ, Living Son of the Great High God, Creator of the Universe and Savior of my mind, spirit, and soul. If it were not for Jesus I would not be alive.

I was a newcomer to the board sometime about a year ago. I got tired of being to only cutter I knew and wanted a place that would tell me it is ok to cut "if you feel the urge"

But as I was typing those words I thought "I'd rather be playing board games or cards, or dice games. Anything..... as long at it meant mingling with people."

I like people. I have all my life, but life and people have been shitty to me. But the Holy Spirit makes me long for friendship more that death. The devil can't take that away from me.

Back to the stats, my father, or uncle, or some other man violated my body sexually when I was 3 to 9 months old. My father sexually abused me till he left home in an ambulance, with both wrists bandaged tightly and tied around his back in something they called a straight-jacket when I was 10. I cried, though no one paid attention, but for me I was confused why they were taking him away at all. They should have taken my mother instead.

So I grew up with a mother I hated, who taught me to hate, fear, and obey her without question, but to do so with anyone who demanded that I abandon myself to keep myself living, or find the conscequences far worse than death itself.

One night I had a dream, in it I was curled up in a ball in my kitchen -- my hands and arms protecting my face and head as my children's father kicked at me with his artificial legs. Then something inside of me snapped and like a rocket I shot up in the air and landed Prepared to battle for my life and yelling at the top of my lungs, "NOT AGAIN!! I WILL NOT LET YOU BEAT ME AGAIN WITHOUT FIGHTING TO THE DEATH TO DEFEND MYSELF"

And since that day I've fought many battles. And even though I have scars showing I did not win without some wounds that I inflicted on myself, they were wounds of self preservation, And they speak loud and clear that the life I now live I live for the preservation of my life. If it were death I chose my scars would not be her and neither would these words be written for all to read.

Thank you for reminding me why I fight to stay alive.It is for the freedom to say "NO" even when I have to scream it to my self and say "NO, I will not kill myself today. Today I choose to live." Another day I may change my mind but today I choose to plant my heels in the murk and mire and living the best I can today. God bless you with the freedom to defend yourself, even from ourself sometimes...Dawn

Re: I felt that way before but I'm different now
Posted by star on Wed Mar 6 13:48:29 2002 (#14770)

Take care of yourself and God bless you. you are an amazingly strong person. amz x

asking for help
Posted by sarah on Tue Feb 26 04:33:06 2002 (#14442)

Hi I am 26 and ever since grade 9 I have banged my wrists until they bled against various things, I have cut myself, and using my fingernails scratch my wrists to the point where I get down to raw skin, I'm tired of doing this to myself and I don't know what else to do, if anyone can help me that would be nice.

Re: asking for help
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Feb 26 05:25:17 2002 (#14447)

hey there sarah! im 16 and have only been at this for a year, but i know how addicting this can be!! i do know that with a listening ear and a lot of effort you will get better! my best friend was a cutter for 4 years after she was raped, but she got through it and is now stronger than ever. people on this site are trying hard as well to extend the time between their cuts and theyre getting better!! we're all here to just listen and give advice when you need it, so go on and post some more.

Re: asking for help
Posted by emma on Sat Mar 2 22:55:36 2002 (#14630)

when i started biting myself untill i bled i needed some help but was too scared you see i have two children because id not got help i started using razors now i try to keep myself busy by going out or cleaning i dont know if this will help emma

I don't usually talk like this
Posted by a little worried on Tue Feb 26 04:51:45 2002 (#14444)

I have to admit this is pretty awkward for me. I've never talked to anyone but close friends about my "problem." I think it's great that all of you have come together and are in different stages of recovery and stuff. I personally don't think I'm ready to stop, but I know I'm getting there. It has been making me more and more nervous lately because I no longer believe I'll die before I'm 18. I'm 16 right now, and I've been self-mutilating for at least 2 years. I don't know if stuff I did before that was intentional enough to count. I guess I'm starting to worry about long term effects and wondering if there's anything behind what people say about it being wrong. If there isn't, then why are we supposed to stop? Thanks for letting me use up a few moments of your time. Peace, Love, and Blood, "me"

Re: I don't usually talk like this
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Feb 26 05:28:58 2002 (#14448)

hey chica!! i know i dont think im ready to stop either, i seriously dont see anything wrong with it at ALL. i do know that it can get dangerous, the only thing im scared about it that ill accidentally slip and kill myself. i know i dont have the guts to do it on purpose. but post some more stuff everyone wants to help.

Re: I don't usually talk like this
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Feb 26 12:02:42 2002 (#14455)

hey. I don't see anything wrong with cutting and i'm definitly not ready to stop. i think the reason people say we should stop, apart from the possible danger is that they don't like to see the scars. well they don't look pretty do they? blood and all that stuff scares people who don't understand. hope that made some sense? keep posting on here, it does help. love always, el x

Re: I don't usually talk like this
Posted by She on Tue Mar 5 19:04:37 2002 (#14729)

Yeah I know what you mean I think that selfharm was the only thing that keep me alive for about a year or 4 if it wasnt for the realife than im pritty sure that i wouldnt be here now .

But if youve had a shite day its so easy to go just a little to deep and go though one of thouse major attery thingies so and then ur life saver get turn in to ur murderer in seconds .All i wanna say is be caerfull it wouldnt matter if you were the only one suffering but if you die from it then you go through about a hour or so of suffering you famaliy and friends have eternity to deal with it. luv She

Re: I don't usually talk like this
Posted by mego on Wed Feb 27 01:43:48 2002 (#14476)

i dont think its normal, common, but not normal. i dont know why we're supposed to stop. its keeping us alive for now, itsnt it?...

last days of my life.
Posted by Beautiful Loser on Tue Feb 26 06:14:28 2002 (#14450)

I've been awesome about not cutting or doing anything harmful for a very long time, about 3 weeks. Now, everything is falling apart. I haven't been in school in weeks and this is becoming a problem for me. I used to make it to school for usually once a week. I'm so miserable. I can't take control. I promised my TA that I would start going everyday starting at the beginning of Febuary. I've been in once. My dad freakin hates me for this. I used to think of my family as some sort of outlet for all the shitty things in my life, but not anymore. My dad yells at me, my mother ignors me. My brother .... argh. My sister is so sweet to me, she's the only one that understands me. I can't help but feel like I'm dragging her down with everything. I keep her home from school because I don't wanna be alone and hopeless. On Saturday night I drank and cut myself, burned a named off my arm. I hate myself and this is the only thing that I have control of. Knowing that I can have control of many other things and knowing that I could, but I don't, it makes me wanna cry. I can't help but feeling like these are the last days of my life.

Re: last days of my life.
Posted by eleanor on Tue Feb 26 12:08:36 2002 (#14456)

hey sweetie. I know what you mean, cutting is the only thing that I have control over in my life. my family don't understand, I can only talk to my best friend but yeah, it does seem like i'm dragging her down too. keep going. i know it seems impossible now but hopefully things will get better. take care of yourself, love always elx

Re: last days of my life.
Posted by ella on Tue Feb 26 18:17:12 2002 (#14460)

Hi I know how you both feel, after 2 yrs i finally plucked up the courage to tell my mum, she then told me it was my *hormones*, she now just ignores it and has put me on a canselling waiting list. I wish you luck and hope your still here and reading this, no matter how your family react to the cutting that doesnt mean they dont care for you, stick around for your sister, Im only here because i realised if I die, grief might make someone i care about feel as shit as i do. Good Luck! Take care, luv ella

Re: last days of my life.
Posted by mego on Wed Feb 27 01:52:05 2002 (#14478)

theyre only the last days if you let them be. i hope things get better, i dont know what to tell you.

PLEASE HELP
Posted by Abigail on Tue Feb 26 06:22:27 2002 (#14452)

Ok question. I havn't cut for awhile now and I the urge so bad it hurt and really want to release some tension. I have been sorta dating this guy and we keep talking about sex and I think we will by the end of the week. I know it will release some tension I am feeling but I have big issues and he has just over a month of being clean for alcohol. We met in the hospital both there for depression. My question is being safe and all, should I or should I not have sex with this guy? Any information you have will be great. Just one more thing he is 35 and I am 23. Please respond. THANKS

Re: PLEASE HELP
Posted by Beautiful Loser on Tue Feb 26 06:25:59 2002 (#14453)

What brings on the urge to cut?

In my opinion, I think you should. Just be careful not to get your heart broken. I don't think age matters.

Re: PLEASE HELP
Posted by ****** on Tue Feb 26 16:36:29 2002 (#14458)

go for it if its what you want. youll know if you wanna have sex with him or not dee down. the age difference doesnt matter at all but dont try and make yourself fall in love with this guy coz your scared of being alone. im not saying that you are or anything im just saying dont.......because forced relationships are doomed from the start. xxxx

to scared aka donna
Posted by eleanor on Tue Feb 26 12:16:28 2002 (#14457)

happy birthday chuck. I know that amy seem like the last thing you wanna hear, but I just thought I'd let you know I do care. hope you're feeling better today, I read some of the things you posted last night. I know exactly how you feel. anyway sweeteie, my email address is at the top of this so mail me any time you want to talk! love n stuff, el x

wot???
Posted by scared aka donna on Tue Feb 26 16:45:05 2002 (#14459)

ok.......so this maybe a daft question, but whats trend cutters???????

sorry im a begginer and some of the terminology is a bit confusing!!! xxx

Re: wot???
Posted by matt on Tue Feb 26 19:33:53 2002 (#14463)

daft question. i think it not, lol... i wAs actually wondering the same thing

Re: wot???
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Feb 26 22:21:36 2002 (#14467)

i think a trend cutter is someone who cuts for attention and shows off their cutting like it's a big acheivement or a show and does it for those pleasures. i'm not sure but that's what i get from the text i've heard or seen on it. love ya lots. scaredinthedark

Re: wot???
Posted by Crimson Fire on Wed Feb 27 01:58:48 2002 (#14479)

hey guys! trend cutters are just what they sound like, theyre not really addicted to it like a lot of us here are. they dont cut deep, they dont get releases from it, they just do it for attention. they wear short sleeves on purpose and show their little wimpy scars to people hoping that theyll smother them with attention. i even saw this one trend cutter leave the blood on her arm (well what little blood she got out) all dried up so people would really give her attention. yeah i know they have their own issues if they have to go to such lengths for attention, but trend cutters piss the hell outa me. anyways, i hope that answered your question...

Re: wot???
Posted by katelyn on Wed Feb 27 04:24:13 2002 (#14494)

why would anyone even do that? sounds pointless to me..... i know for attention but i dont see why they couldnt get it in some other way if cutting doesnt help them feel better than why... well i dont know i guess out if stupidity..... -katelyn

im goin cold turkey
Posted by matt on Tue Feb 26 19:49:36 2002 (#14464)

As of thursday of last week ive decided to go as long as i possibly can without cutting, its been hard so far, but im fighting off the urges. This may sound conceeded but i was kinda proud of myself on a few occasions in which i really really wanted to cut, but i kept myself from doing it. Im home, sick, with strep throat, so ill tell you my ever-so-boring story of why ive decided too try and stop so badly.

Im a freshman in high school and my cutting has been getting worse and worse over the past few months. Well my friend Scheeler (thats what i call him, his last name) has an older sister who's a senior, and i would always sleep over scheelers house, then one time i slept over i ended up sleeping in the same room as his older sister, who had another senior friend sleeping over, Danielle. Shes mad beautiful and really nice, well Lindsay (his sister) and Danielle have also been through some really tough stuff, so we talked all night long and they really helped me out. I really started looking up to them. So then last week, i slept over scheelers again and danielle was sleeping over to, and so me and scheeler were upstairs and they were downstairs watching a movie, well i got a really bad sudden urge to cut, and i was nearly crying, so i went to scheelers bathroom and got a box cutter like thing that i had kept in my jacket. I started, the cutting had recently moved from just my forearm area, to my wrists. Well, i gave myself 2 pretty deep cuts there and one was bleeding pretty bad, so thats when i snapped back to reality and realized that i just couldnt do this over his house and with his sister there and everything. So i went downstairs and asked Lindsay to come into the hall way, and, fighting off crying i told her that i started to cut and i was sorry and i knew i shouldnt so i gave her the blade to keep from me. So a few days later when i was talking to scheeler (who also knows/understands my problem) he was saying he got rid of the blade and he also said that Lindsay was really worried that i was going to hurt myself, he was too. I guess just knowing that she actually cared that much about me, to actually worry, made me want to stop, so im going all out to try and make it... i encourage everyone else to at least try.

Re: im goin cold turkey
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Feb 26 22:10:31 2002 (#14466)

oh dude i'm sorry. that's sad. if i could cry i would have but i cant have no more tears but i'm glad yur gonna stop. it's good you have someone to talk to too. well gotta go.lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: im goin cold turkey
Posted by eleanor on Tue Feb 26 23:34:22 2002 (#14472)

I'm glad you're trying to stop. I'm trying really hard too. I've not cut for two whole days, that's the first time I've not cut at all for about a year and a half. It's really hard and I'm feeling really shit so if you have any tips or anything please feel free to share them, I need all the help I can get. take care of yourself. love always, el x

Re: im goin cold turkey
Posted by mego on Wed Feb 27 02:21:37 2002 (#14483)

hell yeah. good luck. i'm fifteen too, and i look up to one of my friends (who is also a senior and who i met through one of my best friends, who happens to be his little sis) like that, only he doesnt know i still cut. but i talk to him a lot about a lot of shit goin on. hes great, its awesome you have someone like that too. its good that you can trust them. good luck. if you ever wanna talk, my AIM screen name is megox182x and for msn or hotmail, its the same as my address.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: im goin cold turkey... ive failed
Posted by matt on Wed Feb 27 21:12:45 2002 (#14508)

Dammit... Last night, i lost it, i went f*ckin crazy, 86 bleeding cuts on my forearm, after it was over i wanted to die because i just want to stop cutting so bad, but when im cutting i get in this mind set that makes me think its good. When i woke up this morning i almost cried because it just made me sick at how i did this to myself, i think this is enough to scare me out of doing it again... i hope so. For school i wore one of those ACE bandages around it with a long sleeve shirt and a sweatshirt over that. It got pretty hot, but i was totally ashamed, and like, normally ill hid it, but ive never really felt bad about what i had done... this made me feel horrible. I cant stand looking at it... i want it to go away. I talked to Danielle today though, and she helped me out, i only told her that i kinda cut last night, i didnt tell her really how bad it was or anything, and i sure as hell didnt show her. I wish it never happened.... Im sorry.... im sorry.

Re: im goin cold turkey... ive failed
Posted by katelyn on Thu Feb 28 23:10:19 2002 (#14549)

dude its ok ....... dont get to pissed about it or youll wanna cut more...... sucks when you try soo hard not to but it happens i know ive been there too.... if you want to cut again look at your scars and remind yourself that its not worth it to do it again.. cry it out listen to music it works sometimes for me..... but i kant promise anything... how long have you been cutting for? -katelyn

Re: im goin cold turkey... ive failed
Posted by matt on Fri Mar 1 02:47:34 2002 (#14569)

ive been cutting for like 3 months now, doesnt seem like much but its gotten pretty bad in that short time

Re: im goin cold turkey... ive failed
Posted by emma on Sun Mar 3 02:02:40 2002 (#14638)

matt like you my cutting got bad really quick once id made that first cut it just felt so right to carry on within two days i went from biting to cutting im trying to stop now but it is so hard when something upsets me cutting seems like the only way

Re: im goin cold turkey... ive failed
Posted by mego on Fri Mar 1 22:18:19 2002 (#14588)

dont be sorry, bro. just try again, its not gonna be easy, but if you really want to stop, eventually you can. you can write to me or talk to me whenever you need to. good luck!

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: im goin cold turkey... ive failed
Posted by emm on Tue Mar 5 14:59:06 2002 (#14719)

hi matt, your post set me off, lol, almost bawling in the college libary aint good, huh? :(.

I totally feel what ur going through, i;ve been there myself many times, dont give up hope, you will stop, it sounds harsh but sometimes it just takes something to make it happen, a friend, a family member someone to show they care.And this girl and your friends seem to be the ones to do this, its great that they understand, a couple of months back my Mum found out again and she wanted to get me help, i overreacted and assumed i was to be *carted off to a hospital* And almost lost my family and friends' trust, but i got over that period in my life, now i look to other things like Music and Poetry for my release, it'll happen, please dont worry :).

I havent cut now for almost three months, and its been the happiest (and sometimes the hardest) time in a long while, it will happen, just dont give up hope. :) if you EVER need to talk, moan, vent, cry, WHATEVER, you can always mail me or i'm on msn messanger most nights under my email address. Take Care and I hope things pick up for you. Love Emm xx

thankyou scaredinthedark!
Posted by scared aka donna on Tue Feb 26 23:06:33 2002 (#14470)

just a msge to say thankyou for that. i heard about it from someone and wondered wot trend cutting was. i thought thats what it mite av bin but i darednt say that incase i was wrong and seriously offended anyone! thanks

Re: thankyou scaredinthedark!
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Feb 26 23:29:16 2002 (#14471)

your welcome. i'm glad i could help. take care. lots of love. scaredinthedark

why do I feel so shit?????????????
Posted by eleanor on Tue Feb 26 23:50:15 2002 (#14473)

ok, so this teacher went and rang my parents and they went mental. then this morning my mum had to go in and talk to him, my dads away as usual, and now she's watching me like a hawk. it's like living in a prison camp or something. they're going on about how they're gonna check my arms every week to make sure i'm not cutting coz of what this would do to my dads reputation if it got out etc. FUCK! what am I gonna do? i can't stop cutting. It's the only thing that keeps me sane, keeps me alive. I've not cut for 2 days and it's driving me even more insane than I already am. why do I feel so shit? I just wanna die

Re: why do I feel so shit?????????????
Posted by julie on Wed Feb 27 01:01:33 2002 (#14475)

I just started cutting, so feel free to ignore my response.

Does picking old scabs help? Or do you want to quit?

Re: why do I feel so shit?????????????
Posted by Crimson Fire on Wed Feb 27 02:14:06 2002 (#14480)

hey el! yeah my parents used to do that all the fucking time, you can get creative and cut on your stomach and other places that they wouldnt guess if youre desperate. i tried that for a while but i really like doing my arms so that stopped...i started cussing out my parents every time they tried to look and i ran away a couple times and they stopped trying to check. actually i think they think i stopped. if just not cooperating doesnt work for you though, just get creative.

Re: why do I feel so shit?????????????
Posted by mego on Wed Feb 27 02:24:11 2002 (#14484)

hide it, bro. i cut on my stomach, underneath my underwear line. nobody sees it.

new cutter
Posted by julie on Wed Feb 27 00:58:01 2002 (#14474)

Hi, I've never written here. I hope you don't mind. I only started cutting a month ago. It started when my rat scratched me. I liked picking the scratch. So, I cut. But now, it's like I have to. It's like, I used to eat to feel better - or not feel. Now, I cut. I really like it. I know that sounds stupid, and horrible. I feel like I'm faking it because it's only been a little while. I don't know if I am, or not. what do you think?

Re: new cutter
Posted by Crimson Fire on Wed Feb 27 02:16:02 2002 (#14481)

if you feel like its real then youre not faking it. why do you think you do it? i mean are you depressed, hard family life? perfectionist?

Re: new cutter
Posted by julie on Wed Feb 27 06:37:22 2002 (#14499)

I had a great family life, but recently moved across the country to help my sister recover from a heroine addiction. Also, I'm in my second year in university. My parents expect too much from me. I have anxiety disorder, and have a hard time leaving the apartment. I've missed school since Christmas because of my stupid complexes. So ya, alot of stuff has been thrown at me all at once.

Re: new cutter
Posted by mego on Wed Feb 27 02:26:40 2002 (#14485)

as long as you really need to do it and you're not showing it off or telling a bunch of people about it, youre not faking

important day!
Posted by Crimson Fire on Wed Feb 27 02:20:09 2002 (#14482)

hey guys, i just thought you all might be interested in knowing that this friday (2/29/02) is national SI (self injury) awareness day. i didnt even know they had that day, but i thinks its great cause practically no one knows about what we do to ourselves. so do what you want with this info i just thought you all might want to know!!

Re: important day!
Posted by mego on Wed Feb 27 02:30:49 2002 (#14486)

HELL YEAH!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!! WOO HOO! YOURE MY SISTA FOREVER!!! haha, i'm showin my support! seriously, though. anyone who reads this, this girl is awesome. you should talk to her. shes my twin, i swear to god, we're so much alike.

Actually....
Posted by elle on Wed Feb 27 02:41:11 2002 (#14487)

ITs actually March 1st and has been for the past several years. ~elle~

Oh yeah...
Posted by elle on Wed Feb 27 02:42:39 2002 (#14488)

And if you wanna show your support, then you are supposed to wear an orange ribbon. ya know like the red ones they wear to support aids and the pink ones for breast cancer? Laters ~elle~

damn
Posted by Maggie on Wed Feb 27 06:05:41 2002 (#14498)

Do you know what really sucks? I am catching an eastbound plane across the International date line on the 28th February and wont touch land until 2nd March. That means I wont get to experience 1st March at all, so I can't enjoy the experience of SI Awareness day. That kinda annoys me, coz I always support all the other ones, but can't do so for the one that affects me.

Re: important day!
Posted by Erin on Wed Feb 27 21:05:25 2002 (#14507)

i thought it was march 1st...

Re: important day!
Posted by diana on Wed Feb 27 22:06:13 2002 (#14510)

march 1st is friday....well at least thats the date in nj...or maybe i just read it wrong cuz my glasses rn't on

for nathan
Posted by mego on Wed Feb 27 03:13:15 2002 (#14489)

here we are in days sweet daze//hoping yesterday was just a phase//i bleed a couple tears for you//its all i really know how to do//i'm trying so hard to explain//but your scared face is driving me insane//i only want to make things okay//want you to stay here for today//i want to end all your pain//i want to help you win this game//its not about me anymore//its about why youre always so sore//those scars and bruises you try to hide//i appreciate you never lied//leave your house come stay with me//this isn't how it should be//nathan this is for you know that i'll always be there//this is for you because you always cared

Re: for nathan
Posted by scaredinthedark on Wed Feb 27 03:28:56 2002 (#14490)

mego that's so sad i loved it it's so good lots of love scaredinthedark

Re: for nathan
Posted by mego on Wed Feb 27 03:34:54 2002 (#14493)

thanks :). you tried to IM me and i didnt get it for a few minutes cause it was lost, then i couldn't reply. just wanted to let you know it was an accident, i wasnt ignoring you

Re: for nathan
Posted by Crimson Fire on Wed Feb 27 04:59:12 2002 (#14495)

hey chica freaka beaka! (hope you got that email otherwise youll think im trippin but anyways). i know how worried about nathan you are and i dont blame you!! hes gotta be the strongest one nutted boy ever in the world and its stupid how this stuff happens to those kinda people, but it does and its all going to work out somehow someday and you just gotta hang in there and be there for him whenever he needs you!!! luv always!

Re: for nathan
Posted by scaredinthedark on Thu Feb 28 21:10:05 2002 (#14543)

it's ok i hadta leave that's why i wasn't on. bt it's good that you go the im. take care. scaredinthedark

My project
Posted by a little worried on Wed Feb 27 03:29:34 2002 (#14491)

Recently I've been trying to get some of my feelings out in ways other than cutting to save my skin. I have a huge fear of scars. Anyway, I started writing a play two years ago when I was really depressed. I couldn't think of a way to finish it so I put it down for about a year and a half. I started up on it again just a few months ago and I'm pretty much finished now. It's 22 pages long, and still needs some editing. I guess this could seem kind of random but it really isn't. I thought I'd bring it up because the main character is a cutter. She eventually gets over her problem, but it isn't very convincing the way it's written now. I don't have any personal experience to use in this case, so I was wondering if anyone could give me ideas. What would drive her to really decide once and for all that it's time to stop. Right now her only incentive is that her boyfriend doesn't want her to do it. I'll be thankful for any possible insights. Peace, Love, and Creativity, "me"

Re: My project
Posted by julie on Wed Feb 27 06:52:26 2002 (#14500)

just a suggestion:

something happens - fight with someone important - kicked out of school - parents die in a horrible accident -

So there's something awful in her life - she cuts.

then go through everything that goes through your mind.

in the background, have her voice playing on a tape recorder - this is how the audience can connect with her without dialogue.

Show her going deeper into the state of cutting - losing all her emotional build-up. . . have lights fade down. Next shot in the hospital - she's almost died.

That could be her incentive.

it may be to much of an expected ending for a cutter, I'm not sure. I'll keep thinking on this one.

Anyway, hope this helps. In fact, you know, I wouldn't use that for incentive. It's too annoying. You'll have to think on it too. I'll write again.

Re: My project
Posted by a little worried on Thu Feb 28 01:46:23 2002 (#14517)

Thanks for the idea. Actually I already have depression as a cause for her cutting . . . and lots of self-hatred. Her dad had an affair and ended up leaving her mother for the other woman. She has never forgiven him for it. It's made both her and her mother depressed and untrusting of men. Anyway, after a while she ends up having a boyfriend and he finds out about her "problem" and wants her to stop. She does, but I feel like she needs something besides him, to drive her to quit. I don't want it to be anything too dramatic because that would take away from the ending. In the end her boyfriend breaks up with her and after he leaves she takes a piece of glass to her arm and then swallows handfuls of pills. She dies and the last scene is of the funeral. The ending is my favorite part. Thanks again for the input though and I'd love to keep hearing ideas. Peace, Love, and "Happy" Endings, "me"

checking in...
Posted by lys on Wed Feb 27 05:04:36 2002 (#14496)

I have just read some previous posts where my name was mentioned ( about a month ago, the last time I was here). I know what it means to be there, in the emergency room, with those questions being asked. I have been there enough to know. Too many times. I wish that in none of those times I made it. I wish I was successful. I wish I wasn't breeathing right now, I don't want to need it. I know that you may not want to hear it, I know you are probably sick of it, but I don't care, not right now. If you don't like it, don't read it. All I know is that right now, you are the only people i can reach out to. I don't want your help, all I want is to know that somebody at least SOMEONE hears my SCREAMS!!!! Because nobody hears it in my world, even if they look right hard at me. So I come here, and scream. I do not want you to miss me when I die, I don't want to have those connections. Because I could have died already, but I didn't. You won't know what happens to me, so how can you be sad? Someone else will still respond when you need it. I am bleeding now, Bad, but it is good. I need it. I need it all out, all the bad. There is no more good left just bad. If you don't want to listen go away. I SAID GO AWAY!!! I am dead already, with all of the bad, all of the hurt. I am just a zombie, and I am bleeding. I don't think I will die from it though. But I live up hig, so it doesn't matter. The fall will work.

"when the cut goes in deep and your lost in sleep" love spit love

"I go to sleep knowing that even if I don't wake up at least ths stars will go on." unknown

Re: checking in...
Posted by Crimson Fire on Wed Feb 27 05:51:45 2002 (#14497)

hey gurl. i dont know you but i know most of what youre feeling although ive never really tried to end it...at least not with a knife. i know how much life can be pure hell, and so thats what makes it hard when someone wants to die. because i know how much you can want to and in that sense i should be happy for someone who finally did it because theyre finally at peace. but in another sense theres always still hope...even if you cant see it and even if it takes your whole life you will get better...and its up to you to decide if its worth it because no one can decide for you and no one can make you choose what they want you to. i dont know what the point of all that was but yeah. we all love you :).

trying new places.
Posted by scared aka donna on Wed Feb 27 14:37:48 2002 (#14502)

i tried cutting my leg and my stomach last night. ive always ranted and raved about the nights been the worst, well i just prooved it to myself. the cuts still arent as deep as most people in ere go though but i feel the urge to cut is escalating out of control. for me it helps when i see the marks not as much the blood which is why i dont go too deep because im not really bothered. is this normal? or would people on here think that i was attention seeking? i feel like the odd one out but i dont particularly (at the mo) wanna cut really deep to proove you wrong.

its been two months now of cutting and i feel really depressed. i dont wanna get up on a morning. ive told 1 person about my cutting whos great about it bcs her daughter cuts herself too. ive tried to tell my mum about it but the only thing now thats stopping me from telling her is that she wil think im attention seeking bcs my cuts are not that deep?!!

im thinking about telling my mum and then ill go to the docs and get refered for counsiling maybe bcs i dont no why im doing this to myself?? has counsilling helped anyone on here? im scared ive never bin 2 see a shrink before

oooooh sorry about this theres an awfull lot of questions in this msge!! xxxdonnaxxx

Re: trying new places.
Posted by eleanor on Wed Feb 27 17:00:39 2002 (#14504)

hey sweetie. I had my first appointment with my shrink today and it wasn't too bad. I dunno if it's gonna help in the long run but it sure felt good to get some stuff off my chest. you don't have to tel your mum to start off with. go to the doctor if you want help, it's confidential. good luck! love n stuff, el x

Re: trying new places.
Posted by Crimson Fire on Thu Feb 28 04:50:36 2002 (#14523)

hey chica. youve only been cutting for 2 months, it took me about 5 before i really started going deep. i always thought my cuts were super deep, then you like break through a new level and you have to like push the sides of the cut together so itll stop bleeding and shit. i think those are deep, but i know ill just end up going deeper and deeper and i go on. as far as shrinks go, ive seen a couple different ones, the first 2 didnt work at all, the two im seeing now are good though. i dont know how much theyre helping i really dont trust people but i think if i can get over that they will help. you just have to be sure you find a dr. that YOU like and not your parents. it makes all the difference. best wishes!!

Re: trying new places.
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Mar 1 01:23:43 2002 (#14560)

I know it's scary to talk to someone about why you cut, but it really helped Tara a lot. She went to 4 different therapists before she found the one that made a big difference in her life. I'm glad you have an adult who at least understands about the cutting. What your mom needs to understand is just because your cuts are not deep doesn't mean you're just looking for attention. God, I hate that phrase. I went to a couple of sessions with Tara so I could understand how to deal with this myself. Maybe your friend could help you tell your mom. Please let me know what happpens and if you have any questions, email me. Take care honey. Love, Rhonda

Re: trying new places.
Posted by amanda on Thu Mar 7 23:06:39 2002 (#14843)

i know what you mean. i dont cut so much for the pain or the blood but for the scars and scabs. it seems wicked gross to me but i cant help it. i have scars all on my lower arm and even when i feel pretty good, they still make me feel....comforted when i look at them. i can sit there for hours just staring at them, marveling at my scars.

COMPLETE CONFUSION HERE!!!
Posted by scared aka donna on Wed Feb 27 16:51:16 2002 (#14503)

ive just cut more on my arms and legs. its stinging like shit!!!!! just thought id let you know and you know what?......... i havent got a bloody clue why ive just done that? is there anyone on here that cuts themselves but doesnt know why? lke maybe you mite know why butit has nothing to do with a bad life experience or anything really bad happpened to you? if so please share with me coz im starting to feel like im really alone in the world. am i the only person that cuts themselves yet has no deserving reason????????!!!!!!!!!1

Re: COMPLETE CONFUSION HERE!!!
Posted by Donna on Wed Feb 27 19:49:14 2002 (#14505)

hey there-dont put yourself down! i cut because of my confusion and anger-thats b'cos of years of sexual abuse!! of course u have reasons-it is a way of easing you and altho you do it im sure you felt better afterwards! its not a bad thing that you dont have a reason or havent had a bad life exoerience-any pressure can trigger it off and make some1 start-different ppl can withstand different amounts of pressure and you have nothing to be ashamed of!!

Re: COMPLETE CONFUSION HERE!!!
Posted by DiStUrBdFrEaK on Tue Mar 5 00:31:21 2002 (#14699)

Hi, dont worry, i feel exactly the same, it helps LOADS to cut wen im depressed, stressed, lonely, angry etc, but usually i just cut b/c im bored or just b/c i know i "like?!?!" it. I dont like it but i do, im sure u no wot i mean. I always want to do it (cut) but afterwards it stings like made and my arms and thighs feel bruised and sore. I also am thinking of telling my mam, im seeing the school nurse tomorrow b/c the 1 of my frends know and she thinks i shud tell her, so im scared. The nurse will tell my parens for sure, and i dont want that!!! Gud luck!!! If u want to talk, just email me k! Take care xxx

Re: COMPLETE CONFUSION HERE!!!
Posted by She on Wed Mar 6 16:31:08 2002 (#14775)

Yeah I know wot u mean usually there some resone for me doing it but when I go deep its usually like im in a trance or something or like really bad da ja voo or a trip and then u look at other people and think well there lives probably aint perfect and they dont silce theneself for it . Just one of those things i Gess luve She**

Re: COMPLETE CONFUSION HERE!!!
Posted by DiStUrBdFrEaK on Tue Mar 5 00:32:22 2002 (#14700)

Hi, dont worry, i feel exactly the same, it helps LOADS to cut wen im depressed, stressed, lonely, angry etc, but usually i just cut b/c im bored or just b/c i know i "like?!?!" it. I dont like it but i do, im sure u no wot i mean. I always want to do it (cut) but afterwards it stings like mad and my arms and thighs feel bruised and sore. I also am thinking of telling my mam, im seeing the school nurse tomorrow b/c 1 of my frends know and she thinks i shud tell her, so im scared. The nurse will tell my parens for sure, and i dont want that!!! Gud luck!!! If u want to talk, just email me k! Take care xxx

Re: COMPLETE CONFUSION HERE!!!
Posted by DiStUrBdFrEaK on Tue Mar 5 00:31:46 2002 (#14701)

Hi, dont worry, i feel exactly the same, it helps LOADS to cut wen im depressed, stressed, lonely, angry etc, but usually i just cut b/c im bored or just b/c i know i "like?!?!" it. I dont like it but i do, im sure u no wot i mean. I always want to do it (cut) but afterwards it stings like mad and my arms and thighs feel bruised and sore. I also am thinking of telling my mam, im seeing the school nurse tomorrow b/c the 1 of my frends know and she thinks i shud tell her, so im scared. The nurse will tell my parens for sure, and i dont want that!!! Gud luck!!! If u want to talk, just email me k! Take care xxx

CRACKING UP!
Posted by scared aka donna on Wed Feb 27 20:13:58 2002 (#14506)

ok, so im crying my bloody eyes out here. im so confused and upset. i feel soo weak, im ashamed to be me. this is the worst ive felt in a long time. i shudnt be cutting myself, i shudnt be ere on this site. i shud be ashamed of myself and i am. this has come from nowhere. i mite be depressed, i dunno, im scared confused and losing the will to live. maybe im in the wrong discussion board

Re: CRACKING UP!
Posted by DiStUrBdFrEaK on Tue Mar 5 23:20:33 2002 (#14755)

Hey, dont feel like that (i no its easy to say but all of us feel this way sumtimes). And NO! u shudnt be ashamed of urself at all! U shud love urself, just u need to get help! U need to realise that its not u that is to be ashamed of, its ur illness. U can be "cured" if u REALLY try. I feel REALLY week rite now, my parents are telling me i have to sort myself out becuz im being lazy, selfish and neva help them, but they dont know about my cutting, wait til they find out. iv got an appointment with the scool nurse, she will MAKE me tell them or she will do it herself, then they will hate me and be dissapointed in me for sure!!! I duno wot theyll do but itll make things loads worse and will make me suicidal again!!! They duno how it makes us feel (parents i mean, less they do it or have done) Its made me weak, like u sed and i sortv feel embarressed by it in a way, but oh i duno. Cuttin helps me loads (i think) so if i stop, i may not be here another day. Peace xxx

BAD NEWS WITH NATHAN, I'M SCARED FOR HIM. HELP
Posted by mego on Wed Feb 27 22:01:38 2002 (#14509)

okay, nathan has been beat by his step dad, rob, a lot. he has scars from where he was beat with the buckle of a belt, rob made him pull down his pants and kicked him in the nuts so hard he puked. its so sad cause hes gotta be the coolest kid i know. hes always so nice to everyone, hes just a really great kid. well, someone called the school and said something, they wont tell who, and he was called down to the psychologists office. they asked him if he was having problems at home and he lied, hes afraid that if he tells the truth he'll get beat worse and kicked out of his house, they've threatened before. usually hes so calm about things like this, but when he told me he looked so scared, like he was gonna cry. that made me even more scared. last night he left my house late, he was supposed to be home a half hour earlier. i offered to have my mom drive him home, but he was gonna get a ride home with someone else. i didnt get to talk to him at all today, and a bunch of us were supposed to go over there but my mom was the only way we could get a ride, and she went to get a puppy with my brother. i was talking to tina, who lives by him, and i guess when he was talking to her he was like "you guys need to come over right after school, before rob gets home". i didnt know about it, otherwise i would have had my mom bring me there before they went to get the puppy. if i told her, she deffinately would have. now tinas gonna have him at her house but i feel like such shit. i cut the shit outta my stomach last night, i'm gonna again in a few minutes. it makes me feel so terrible, every time ive had problems like that with my parents, he's always been there, he always knows what to say and do. i feel so helpless, i told him he could come live with us, and i'm sure he could, but he just shrugged and said he'd be fine. it makes me feel sick, i cant eat, i have a headache. i want more than anything to be able to help him. i'm not going to say anything to the school, i'm not going to try to interfere, that would make things worse for him. i just wish he knew that i care and he can always turn to me. shit, i dont know what to do. i have to go. someone, please help me out here, i am so clueless, i cant even think.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: BAD NEWS WITH NATHAN, I'M SCARED FOR HIM. HELP
Posted by Amber on Thu Feb 28 00:38:50 2002 (#14512)

Hey, I'm new here but I read your post - are you friends with Nathan then? I'm sorry -it's hard to know what to do in a situation like that. He must be scared to death of doing anything about it :( Anyways, I don't have any definite answers, I don't think there is a right answer as to how to deal with this sort of thing, but I do know that you should stick by him and be his friend as much as you can - which it sounds like you're doing. Just don't be afraid to let him know that you care about him and want to do whatever you can to help him. So this is his step-father? Then does is mother know about this? I don't know much about the situation, so I don't know if I can be of much help but it seems that if she's there, that she should definitely know about it. And, I know that you don't want to go to a psych or anyone to report this, but if it continues you have to think about what's more important - Nathan not being mad at you? Or his safety? OK, I've ranted way too long. I'm sure that you're being a wonderful friend to him, and that youre doing all you can. Good luck. And on a different note, I'm a cutter too - please be careful not to cut too deep! I'm not gonna tell you to try and stop, I know it's hard, but please be careful. Thanks!

*hugs* Amber

Re: BAD NEWS WITH NATHAN, I'M SCARED FOR HIM. HELP
Posted by Crimson Fire on Thu Feb 28 05:12:17 2002 (#14524)

chica!! you cant beat yourself up over this!! nathan really needs ya gurl, and i know its tough to try and stay strong but you have to! you know im always here to help you out if you need it cause i know you probably dont want to go to nathan for help cause he really needs yours right now. i know how much it kills you not to have been there for him, but its not your fault and i know its cliche but you cant change the past so you gotta move on cause yours and nathan's future is all that matters right now. i think youre right that you shouldnt try and get involved with the situation cause it probably will only make it worse, but you just need to be there for nathan like you always have. hey gurl i dont know what else to say, but just remember i love you and im always here for you and nathan loves you too and hes lucky to have you cause youre an angel!!!

Re: BAD NEWS WITH NATHAN, I'M SCARED FOR HIM. HELP
Posted by julie on Thu Feb 28 09:00:47 2002 (#14529)

i'm so sorry that you have to go through this. the hardest thing is deciding what type of friend you are to him. i think amber was right about getting him help. if this is something that could put his life, or mental stability in serius harm, you need to help. If Nathan is close to or above 18, then he does have the option of moving out. If not, i imagine that he is too afraid if the future to do this for himself. From my experience, schools do not do much for the welfare of students. another authority should be brought in. Children's aid takes anonamous calls. if you're worried about losing him as a friend, you can do it that way. By reporting it, you would not be alone to carry this burdon. I was once in the position where calling the police could have been my only option in saving my sisters life. I gave it a week, then moved across the country to live with her so that i wouldn't have to get her into trouble. Without the option of physically removing Nathan from his home, you may have to make that type of phone call. I am so sorry. I understand the guilt. try everything you can before choosing this option. If you are comfortable doing so, speak with his mom.

Good luck with this. I'm sending as much love and support as I can.

Re: BAD NEWS WITH NATHAN, I'M SCARED FOR HIM. HELP
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Mar 1 00:44:26 2002 (#14553)

Oh honey, I'm so sorry about your friend. I wish I could be of more help. I'll include him in my prayers tonight and pray that will help him some. If you see him, let him know I'm thinking about him. Take care. Love, Rhonda

help
Posted by cheri on Wed Feb 27 22:41:54 2002 (#14511)

hey everyone...i just found this place and i have a question...why? i have my own methods and my own reasons...i was wondering what were some of yours?

Re: help
Posted by lora on Thu Feb 28 01:19:06 2002 (#14515)

Hi Cheri. I can't really tell you my reasons.The hatred I have for myself springs to mind but is that just self pity? Who knows? It just seemed like the only release I had. I don't even know what put the thought of cutting into my head.I started six years ago while I was backpacking through Australia, and it's still going on. I use the same kitchen knife every time and centralise on my arms, although I have cut my legs and chest too.

Re: help
Posted by Cheri on Thu Feb 28 01:54:20 2002 (#14518)

i don't cut...i scratch...does anyone else do it? i scratch till i have more skin under my fingernails than i had on my body. i've heard that often times ppl cut because they were sexually abused when they were younger...was anyone abused by a female? a friend? i could really use someone to talk to...please....

Re: help
Posted by a little worried on Thu Feb 28 01:59:25 2002 (#14519)

I've had all sorts of reasons for doing it. It always changes. I think it started for attention . . . except that I didn't tell anyone untill a few months after that. I think I sometimes do it in the hopes that someone will notice and be worried about me and tell me they care about me. I've also done it when I'm really upset with myself. The worst cut I ever did was the day after I broke it off with my boyfriend of 5 months. As far as where I cut it's just about anywhere where I don't think I'll mind scars too much. Peace, Love, and Lasting Memories, "me"

Re: help
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Mar 1 00:49:54 2002 (#14554)

My daughter cut because she was raped and the emotional pain was more than she could bear. She said she would cut to feel physical pain so she would forget about the emotional pain. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: help
Posted by c on Fri Mar 1 06:02:42 2002 (#14581)

how did she get past it?

Re: help
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Mar 2 01:58:14 2002 (#14598)

She got past it with God's grace and a lot of help from her family, friends and the best therapist to come along. She still gets depressed,especially if she sees the guy running around town free and clear, but she just goes back to what her doctor and her family tell her. She is an amazing girl and I wish all of ya'll could meet her. Take care. Love, Rhonda

i dont want to stop!
Posted by Amber on Thu Feb 28 00:49:54 2002 (#14513)

Hi everyone! I haven't posted much here but I've cut on and off for at least a few years now, as well as occasional burning/headbanging. Boy it feels odd to say that so openly. Anyways, I'm pretty much at the point where both my parents are keeping their eyes on me and if I cut even once more I'll be hospitalized. And I REALLY don't want to be hospitalized! To be pulled away like that...it's a scary thought. Anyways, does anyone have any suggestions as to how to get myself to just stop, at least for now? I've tried ice cubes..it doesn't work, really. Oh, well. Or any fool proof ways to cut and not get noticed would be appreciated, cuz right now I really don't want to stop cutting to be honest. Well, I hope everyone here is doing good!

~Amber~

Re: i dont want to stop!
Posted by DiStUrBdFrEaK on Thu Feb 28 23:56:07 2002 (#14550)

Hi, iv just recently started cutting myself and cant seem to stop, well actually i dont want to stop at all! It helps so much, anyways, can u not tru sumwhere different, like ur stomach or ur thighs, that may sound silly cuz u prolly already do that,but just cut sumwhere that ur parents wont see, like the very tops of ur thighs or the sides or ur body. I hope u dont get hospitallized, gud luck and happy cuting xxx

Re: i dont want to stop!...
Posted by matt on Fri Mar 1 02:36:15 2002 (#14568)

With all due respect, and knowing what its like to feel that. How can you enthusiastically, like, cheer each other on about cutting. I know that it sometimes feels like it helps, but it isnt good. I know this is sort of supposed to be like a support board, but i mean, come on. Some people here are trying there hardest (me being one) to STOP cutting, then you start posting things like "i love cutting" "cutting's the best, it helps so much... keep cutting" I respect how you feel, but i just dont understand how you can be like that.

Re: i dont want to stop!
Posted by Jasmine on Thu Mar 7 00:50:22 2002 (#14808)

If you really want to cut yourself try under your boobs(if you have any) i doubt your parents will notest there.

thanks
Posted by lora on Thu Feb 28 01:01:00 2002 (#14514)

Thanks to Matt, Eleanor, Donna, and Taras'Mom for replying to my post. I am eternaly grateful for your understanding. As much as the one friend I have who knows about my cutting helps me, she will never be able to give the advice you guys can. P.S I still haven't taken my anti depressants, although I it in mind to do so. Thanks again. You are stars!

lost and alone
Posted by c on Thu Feb 28 02:20:37 2002 (#14520)

no one f***ing understands!!!why is it that you can go to all these stupid websites that are like "we can help, talk to us" and then you have to dial a stupid number and talk to someone who probably doesn't give a rats a$$ about you!! i'm sorry guys...this is the first time i've been able to talk to ppl that understand what it's like to feel alone. i know this is a self harm website but what i have to say leads to my reason for self harm. when i was young, i'm talking like elementary school age, i had 2 DIFFERENT FEMALE friends who took advantage of me. in every way possible. nobody understands...do i have a sign on my head that says, "screw me over, it won't hurt." i'm so confused. it was 2 totally different ppl who did the same thing to me without knowledge that someone else was doing it too. this is so pathetic...i didnt even remember that this happened till a couple months ago. i don't remember my childhood...MAYBE 3 memories, MAX...i used to scratch and pop myself with rubberbands till my wrists were purple and swollen...the popping felt so good...but i didn't know why, all i knew was that it made me feel better somehow. now i remember, and i scratch again. i don't know where to go, nobody understands....i just wanna go away.

Re: lost and alone
Posted by wallflower on Thu Feb 28 03:05:18 2002 (#14521)

I'm sorry I can't relate to the being taken advantage of thing, but I'm really sorry that you had to go through any of that. No one should have to. I myself have always felt separated from everyone. I still don't know why, but when I feel unwanted I end up trying to prove to myself beyond all doubt that I was right. No one cares about me. I would leave my group of friends while they were hanging out outside and come back in a half hour and no one would have noticed. I would cut myself at lunch and in class and no one ever noticed. Keep writing. I've only been to this site in the past week, but everyone's been super nice.

gets me maddd....
Posted by katelyn on Thu Feb 28 04:23:40 2002 (#14522)

ive only "told" like 3 ppl about my cutting either they found out by seeing me or i told them because i am/was very very close to them. one of them cut themselves also a while back and would tell me dont cut i know what youre going through..... dont do it and another told me "every cut you make in yourself you get a little farther from me" but when i was going to cut i would call/im them and talk about it with them like they told me to but they wouldnt have the time or felt uncomfortable talking about it with me. has this happened to anyone else? then what did you do? I found this site, alittle uncomfy still talking about it a little worried someone i kno might read it. i know pathetic! has anyone that you know read one of your posts? well i was just really pissed and i didnt want to "lose sleep" or "cut" over it.... o well thanks for listening any good bands anyone know of that i might be interested in? thanks alot - katelyn

Re: gets me maddd....
Posted by c on Thu Feb 28 19:54:19 2002 (#14538)

i've told one person about my s.i. and he just kinda blew it off like, "everyone has problems." what the fuck? it's hard to tell when ppl really DO care and when they're just saying what they think they're supposed to say. ppl are so fake.

on the "ppl reading your posts" note, i've learned not to use my parents comp for fear that they might see the history...one tip, don't type in the address...go to a search that you know will bring up a site that will link you to it and just keeping linking till you get here...i figure no one will have enough sense to track us down that way. hope this helped, love and peace, c

Re: gets me maddd....
Posted by katelyn on Thu Feb 28 22:40:27 2002 (#14546)

yeah i guess youre right that they say it so they can be nice at the time and think theyre doing right..... and the computer thing i have my own computers so my mom cant check well shes too stupid neway but i meant like friends... but thanks for your input on it :) Like sometimes i want to post something but i wont because i worry someone might come on here and read it that i know but you know what i just thought of sometihng.... fuck um if they wanna look then they can look i think i just broke the barier where if i have something to say or need to talk ill be able to come on here and type it up..... thanks lol i know it was off subject but yeeeeah -katelyn

Re: gets me maddd....
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Mar 1 01:17:58 2002 (#14559)

Hey Katelyn, Don't worry, you're not pathetic. I'm sure some of the people here have worried about someone they know reading this, but it doesn't stop them from posting. Weither you post or not is up to you. YOu don't have to worry about any of us. I don't really know what to say about your friends cause you know them better than I do, but the one who says, every cut gets you further away from me, seems a little, I don't know. To me, that seems mean. Maybe not to you and I don't mean to make you mad or anything. I just can't see telling any of my friends something like that. Like I said, you know them better than me. Now, as for good bands, I'm a country girl, but have always liked U2 and I like Train. Saw them both on the Grammys last night. Did you see some of the outfits!!!!!!!!! Oh well, to be that young again. I'm more into country and classic rock like REO Speedwagon, Bob Seeger, Lynard Skynayd, and Journey. Anyone heard of those groups? Well, gotta go. Katelyn, you take care of yourself. If you ever want to write, email me. Love, RHonda

trend cutters
Posted by mego on Thu Feb 28 05:12:40 2002 (#14525)

i'm sick of all these little trend cutters who think they know what shits like. who do stupid little shit like scratch up their wrists or arms, so everyone sees it and gives them attention, or who do other little things, to make it look like they were hurt for a short time, but that heal within hours or a couple days. they have no clue what the hell its like to really cut and bleed and have to keep it a secret. they have no clue what its like to have to sit in a room full of friends and smile and laugh like you're happy. because a lot of them are, theyre just so self centered that they have to do stupid shit in order to be the center of attention all the time. what do they do, sit in front of a group of people and wait until someone asks what happened to their wrists and start crying "i slit them. nobody understands!" and bitch until they get attention?? its all bullshit. those people are so goddamn stupid. why the hell would they even get into cutting, knowing what it does to you?? what, they think having scars all over their skin and having to worry about not getting their clothes bloody or people seeing them and thinking theyre freaks is cool or something? yeah, a great way of getting attention. it just makes them look fucking stupid. especially the ones who have only done it a couple times, and think they need it all the time. i'll admit, it took a while to realize that i couldn't stop, not only a couple times, and it took even longer for me to realize i had a problem with it. do they even have any idea of what its like to not be able to think of anything else? i hate people like that with a passion. ignorant people who need to get fucking lives. damn.

Re: trend cutters
Posted by Crimson Fire on Thu Feb 28 05:18:59 2002 (#14526)

fuck yeah mego! i cant stand those little bitches!! i dont know why the hell theyd do that, its so damn stupid!! they dont get what its really like to every fucking moment of your life to be so unhappy it physically hurts, they dont know how cutting really does help people. then the attention other people give them sickens me too!! its like "OMG, you think thats bad??? REALITY CHECK!". its the same with people who fail a single test and theyre just like "omg im going to shoot myself im so depressed" its like PEOPLE dont play around with serious stuff liek that. youd be surprised how many people you know who actually have to deal with this shit on a day to day basis. k im done bitching, but DAMN this stuff makes me mad.

Re: trend cutters
Posted by matt on Thu Feb 28 21:25:49 2002 (#14544)

Right on dudes, That shits annoying as hell, like, this fucking girl i know who trys to act like her life is horrible was talking to me online, and she was trying to act all depressed and shit, then she put on her away message, it was like "ill be back in a little while, i hope not though, not that anyone cares" then when she fuckin came back i asked her if she tried to do anything to herself (as much as i hate acting worried when im not) and she was like, "i tried killing myself... twice, by slitting my wrists" and so the next day she walked over to me and held out her arm and i see ONE tiny little fucking tac scratch, THAT WASNT EVEN NEAR HER WRISTS, it was like, on her fucking thumb. It pissed me off soo damn much. and like, im fuckin here wrapping my arm in gauze and wearing a coat all damn day so no one sees my cut-to-shit arm. At least in health class me and a few kids are gonna help teach the "suicide and depression" section, so ill show the little shits what lifes REALLY like living with this shit.

Re: trend cutters
Posted by katelyn on Thu Feb 28 22:45:02 2002 (#14547)

even though i have never met a "trend cutter" right on! i would feel the same way if i met someone who did that - i think im prety sure yeahhh. so yeah what you all said!

Re: trend cutters
Posted by Tiffany on Fri Mar 1 01:45:01 2002 (#14562)

I agree with you 100%, but what makes a cutter a cutter? How do you compare the amount of pain and suffering a person feels to someone else? Some people are just wimps and can't handle the pressure, but we can't just jump on them because they are fuckin confused idiots. My real question is what is the definition of a true cutter? Is it the penetration of the blade or the shit a person has to put up with day to day?

I don't know I was just thinkin maybe I can stop cutting, but everytime I try the feeling comes back, I have short periods of intermissions, then the second Act continues in my play of a life.

Tiffany

Re: trend cutters
Posted by mego on Fri Mar 1 03:23:58 2002 (#14571)

a true cutter is someone who doesn't show off their cuts, and who has to cut. not someone who does it to get attention. yeah, everyone has problems, but the people who "cut" to get attention from others aren't true cutters. i put cut in quotations because most of those who do it for attention don't really cut. they scratch, and yeah, theres a huge difference. i am not going to support anyone who is like that. because of them, people who really do cut look crazy. maybe we are, but not like others think. we are thought poorly of because of trend cutters. people see us as freaks, who are looking for attention. and we're not. true cutters aren't proud of what they do. they don't just sit and complain about always cutting. sure they have their days when they have to complain, but they also spend their time trying to learn more about their problem, and/or getting help for it. here, they help support others and give as much as they expect to get out of this site. trend cutters don't. they just complain and whine and don't try and support anyone else, because they only care about themselves. thats what makes a trend cutter.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: trend cutters
Posted by wallflower on Fri Mar 1 04:10:58 2002 (#14573)

All this talk about hating "trend cutters" so much really scares me. I personally still don't know if i'm really a cutter. I don't actually care if I am or not. I know that if people yell at me I'll leave. I also know that I might be exaggerating if I say I'm a cutter. I just don't want anyone to be mad at me. I don't want to be accused of trying to be something i'm not. I've been doing this for 2 years. My "scratches" bleed and I have scars all over my ankles, hips, and hands. I am restricted in my cutting because I am a competative ballroom dancer and our costumes show a lot of skin. I don't know if I'm a cutter or not, I know I'm unhappy . . . it may not be enough to call depression though. Please don't be mad.

Re: trend cutters
Posted by mego on Fri Mar 1 04:58:03 2002 (#14575)

i never said you were one, nobody is going to yell at you or make you leave. the fact that you've been cutting for two years is enough. you seem really sweet. the post was in no way aimed at you. i'm sorry if you felt that way, thats not what it was supposed to be.

Re: trend cutters
Posted by Tiffany on Fri Mar 1 22:26:45 2002 (#14591)

Thanks Mego for the clarification, and like Wallflower said I too was beginning to examine if i really was a cutter. I've been cutting since i was 13, i am now 17, and this shit is crazy!! Only one person knows, and it's my volleyball coach, we are really close. Do you know what triggered you to start cutting? Just wonderin, you don't have to say if you don't want to. Oh and thanx for replying back to me.

Drowning in endevors, sinking when i try, living life on ice, barely skating by, existing in a world in which every attempt, is another life alterting, dissapointment.

C-YA

Tiffany

Re: trend cutters
Posted by mego on Sat Mar 2 17:47:06 2002 (#14616)

i don't really remember. my family life has been shitty since i was about seven, i always did little shit to hurt myself, like scratching my skin with combs and brushes or banging my arms on something to bruise them, even pulling out my hair. I found out a kid i hung out with sometimes was cutting. at first i just thought it was weird, but one day i was mad, so i just did it. i was thirteen then and i'm fifteen now, and the only thing thats changed since that day is that my cuts are deeper and i do it more often. sorry if i offended you, i didnt mean to.

Re: trend cutters
Posted by Tiffany on Sat Mar 2 22:33:28 2002 (#14627)

Oh, no you didn't. Well I started at the same age, and the only difference is that I an 17 now. Life looked perfect from an outsider's perspective, but living in my house was hell!! As a child I did the same thing, i would bang my head against the wall and stuff like that, and when I turned 13 i found out my best friend was cutting. She had been in and out of the psyke ward for a couple of months now, and I didn't let her know I started doing it, and she still does not know even though she has stopped. Well that's my story... lol. It was nice getting to know you, know I know someone on the board. I g2g if I don't I'll be on here all day and night.

Tiffany

Re: trend cutters
Posted by She on Wed Mar 6 16:25:45 2002 (#14774)

Yeah i know wot u man it makes me sooooooo mad when you see lil kids walking round with tinsy scraches on there arms .Sometimes looks lit there showing off there scars it makes me reall mad. She **

Re: trend cutters
Posted by Trout on Wed Mar 6 19:00:57 2002 (#14786)

I think that we need to be careful, steerotyping about scratches that somepeople do, after all we dont like to be pigeon holed either.

People dont always start off cutting themsleves badly enough to need treatment. It can be progressive. Like drug taking, Anorexia etc then before you know where you are it takes over.

Those who feel the need to be identified as true cutters need to ask themselves why. I think that people attention seek for a reason and they need help as much as true cutters not accused and isolated.

I think its real dangerous to say hey Im sorry you cant be apart of this because your cuts arent deep enough. That basically says that they have to do it more and worse to be acknowledge by you.

Everyone needs to look back at how they started, and some compassion and love for those who sliding down a rocky road that fucking difficult to escape from.

Im just making a statement no offence ment, but I think we need to see the consiquences of what we say to others.

Re: trend cutters
Posted by mego on Thu Mar 7 01:04:19 2002 (#14812)

i'm not saying people have to cut "this deep" or "this often" to be "accepted". I'm saying that people are fucking stupid when they scratch up their wrists or whatever and then show it off. I started off with smaller cuts that got worse, but theres a difference. I did it on my own, and kept it a secret. I had only heard of one other kid doing it, and I thought he was crazy and never wanted to be like him. I'm talking about the morons who show it off. They need a slap in the face, not attention and pity.

Re: trend cutters
Posted by Trout on Thu Mar 7 12:30:49 2002 (#14825)

That seems a lot clearer now, thanks it just worried me, I hope Ive not upset anyone,I hope things arent too bad for you at the mo, Love always........................ .

Re: trend cutters
Posted by eleanor on Thu Mar 7 21:24:51 2002 (#14838)

i agree with mego. people like that make people who really have a problem with cutting seem crazy. I could never put myself on show like like. it's a part of me that's deep inside and it's not for other people to see

Re: trend cutters
Posted by frozen tears on Tue Mar 12 23:50:57 2002 (#15077)

those people dont kno wht itz like to bleed. i mean to really bleed. to watch the water rush over your arm then take it away and watch your blood rush out in gushes. gush after gush. to wrap your cuts in gauze and hope they would have stopped bleeding by the time you wake up. fuck those attention seeking pricks. they dont kno. id like to fuckin show then tho!

you and "them"
Posted by laughing through the pain on Thu Mar 14 21:35:02 2002 (#15180)

strange how quick you are to all distance yourself from the "trend cutters." there's instantly a "them", you think the line dividing you and them is so obvious...i think not. yeah, there's attention seeking people, but there always is, with everything... drinking. ana. people who smoke weed and have the fucking phone cover with a pot leaf on it. *shrugs* to someone else, you are one of "them" and you all fucking know it, which is why you're so quick to insult "them", so eager to distance yourselves immediately.

how do you think you define "them" ? are their cuts not deep enough? did they do it all wrong? did they cut their left arm, instead of their right ankle, which is where you do it so obviously everyone else must?

get over yourselves

help me
Posted by kelly on Thu Feb 28 06:27:05 2002 (#14527)

i cant stand it anymore its like all i think about anymore is different ways to hurt myself, and how i can hide all my new scars. i really need to talk to some one right now but my best friend seems to be mad at me and there is no one on line that i know i can talk about it with, so i guess im about to add another mark to my body that will never go away. How to hide this one??

Re: help me
Posted by julie on Thu Feb 28 09:13:52 2002 (#14530)

the other day, i was cutting too deep, and got scared afterward. Instead of cutting more - what else do you do when you're afraid, I went to this chat thing. A woman there was so supportive, i actually had really good day! I'm serious! I felt normal, happy, healthy! She was amazing, and I just stumbled across her. The site was www.bravenet.com . Try checking it out when you need someone immediately.

Do you have any family members that could listen?

My sisters are my best friends - outside of the family, friends always seem to get upset with you. Friends are like that.

Love and Support!

Re: help me
Posted by erica on Thu Feb 28 20:11:17 2002 (#14540)

Oh man, I wish I could wrap you in a warm quilt and let you talk on and on until you have let all your feelings out. As for your scars. If their on your arms you might be able to get away with wearing long sleeve shirts. On your legs, pants. I guess thats all you can do to hide them

Erica

now and then????help me please
Posted by no one special on Thu Feb 28 06:55:03 2002 (#14528)

i'm new to this site so i hope that no one minds me venting here. Well so a brief short story of my life i have been cutting for about six years now and have to hide my body from head to toe because of all the scars. It all start when i began to remember all the things that i had been blocking out about me past. And the scary thing is that i dont know if the things i remember are even true or not!! And thats mostly because i have a problem with lying to, its so bad that i dont even know if im living in my own reality. i just can't seem to stop the lying either. LIke the cutting i do i dont know where the pain ends and the truth in my life begins. I just got done cutting some pretty deep gashes out of my leg, that would probaly need stitches if i wasnt so scared to go to a doctor.... but like the rest they to will heal. Well my question is how do u guys cope, i just cant seem to stop myself went i get up set, i carry a blade with me everywhere i go just in case. And i really dont have anyone that i can really talk to, because i have pushed them away, or im afraid that i cant tell them the truth~~~~isnt that tupid evenwhen i want to tell the truth i can't!!

Someone please help me

Re: now and then????help me please
Posted by jade on Thu Feb 28 14:52:57 2002 (#14531)

hi hope u dont mind me responding to you i just wanted to say i know how u feel(even though ihavent been self harming that long) coz whenever i want to talk about it no one wants to no and they start another conversation reply if u want luv jade

Re: now and then????help me please
Posted by scared aka donna on Thu Feb 28 16:18:13 2002 (#14532)

hi ive not been cutting myself for as long as you, only a couple of months so far but i can relate to wot you have just said. you said about blocking things out from the past and not knowing if there true or not. i can relate to that deffo, and the lying....well yep ive done my fair share, sometimes they have got way out of control as well. having noone to talk to when you really wanna....yep that 2 i can relate to. becuase of the lies and hatred of myself, i have successfully managed to push people away. they dont no that ive lied bout stuff and i cant talk to them coz i fel guilty bout the lies. i feel for ya....its shit innit? well i dont cut as deep as you but then ive only bn doin it for 2 months (im on the scratching but enough for blood stage). i have cuts on my arm, leg and stomach. i prefer to cut on my arm but im trying really hard to stop that bcs bigger chance of people seeing and i sooo dont want that. take care of yourself love xxdonnaxx

Re: now and then????help me please
Posted by c on Thu Feb 28 19:45:34 2002 (#14536)

hey, hang in there...just remember that what happened in the past is just that, the past. you can't help what happened and you'll never be able to change it, no matter how much cutting/scratching you do. we've learned to control pain...the cutting hurts but it's a good hurt...and we can make it not hurt if we want. it's not quite that easy with emotional shit but still, the past only has power if you give it power. try not to focus on the things you can't control. this is your life, fuck anyone who'll look down on you because of who you are. anyone that would judge you for cutting isn't the kind of person who's opinion you SHOULD value. there's so much fucked up shit in the world...and most of it we can't control...maybe you should see what kinds of things drive you to cut...it's not worth worrying over something you can't control...i don't know if this is what you're looking for but i hoped it helped, even just a bit. love & prayers c

sorry im being a pain in the butt agan
Posted by scared aka donna on Thu Feb 28 16:36:10 2002 (#14533)

i havent cut yet today, i was gunna cut now but then i thort oh dear better not! and u no why? because i keep trying to pluck up the courage to tell my mum bout my cutting. shes obviously gunna wanna see my arm so i dint want to give her a heart attack or somet by adding to my collage. BUT on the otherhand, i never quite manage to pluck up the courage to let my parents no because they will want me to stop, and i dont want to. ive only bin doin it for 2 months, im in full flow i cant stop now. im really confused/all over the place though coz one minute i dont wanna cut for fear of hhurting ppl, the next i dont wanna tell ppl bcs i wanna keep cutting!!! AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!! it makes me so mad, does anyone understand my confusion? please express your opinions on my current dilema xx

i am sorry! i no i have like a different question every day dont i? its just that i found this site lst week and i have the opportunity now to see if i am crazy or if people can relate to me! i dunno, sorry guys!! xxx

Re: sorry im being a pain in the butt agan
Posted by Donna on Thu Feb 28 17:33:43 2002 (#14535)

im sorry but i cant advise you on your current dilemma cos im in the same position! id luv to tell my parents but i know theyd flip and go totally mental! id luv them to know but id receive no support from them! they knew that ive done it before but they think ive stopped! you're not annoyin me anyway so dont worry!if cumin on here helps you then why should you stop doin it cos u think you're annoyin every1!?! you're not goin crazy and i can relate to you so im sure others can too! i hope you make the right decision whatever you do and im sure ill find out wot you do soon! keep fightin luv Donna!

Re: sorry im being a pain in the butt agan
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Mar 1 00:59:36 2002 (#14555)

Hi, Don't worry about annoying any of us. As far as telling your parents, are you scared of how they will react? I'll tell you that most parents do not understand this at all. They don't understand that you can't just stop no matter how bad they want you to. I can't tell you what to do, but at least think about telling them you need help. The cutting doesn't bother me anymore like it used to, just knowing that any of you could accidently hurt yourselves really bad is what worries me. Just promise me you will keep your cuts clean and dry. Take care of yourself. If you ever want to talk, just email me. LOve, Rhonda

Re: sorry im being a pain in the butt agan
Posted by She on Thu Mar 7 17:15:28 2002 (#14831)

Good luck to whatever you do . I didnt get to tell my pearents they found me in a really bad way in hospital and yeah they went mad then but i think mainly it was because of the way that they found out about it . They have been really supportive about most things ive done and i thing if i had told them then they would have helped me ut with SH to , dont know maby not.But its probably better that you tell them that they find out another way. Good luck If you ever want to chat let me know . Luv She

to scared aka donna
Posted by Donna on Thu Feb 28 16:59:18 2002 (#14534)

hey there! how have you been keeping? i hope you're doin ok! i havent been on in a while so i thank you for your message! ive been havin a rough time lately! school sucks altogether and more and more people seem to be talking about me and my S.I! its starting to really get on my nerves!!! dont worry-i cant talk to my friends about my problems either-i seem to block them out and keep everything to myself! i prefer things that way! at the minute im still in school-i dont want to go home and i can use these computers whenever i please so i like that! im really confused about what im going to do about all this-it has to stop-i cant let it go on forever!!at least you have someone to turn to-thats great!i only wish i had someone to talk to! i mightnt be on in a while so dont worry if i dont leave another message in a while!i have to think about things and just get my head sorted! As im sure you have noticed im slabbering on and on her so pay no attention-its keeping me away from my wrists! chat soon hopefully! luv donna!

new to the board
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Thu Feb 28 19:52:39 2002 (#14537)

but not new to cutting.... why the hell do i feel so bad? does anybody know where it comes from? why ...after years of being "normal", all of a sudden you Hate yourself and your life and want to kill yourself? the only thing that stops me actually doing it, is that i dont wanna end up in Hell.....but whats to say im not already there?

confused, sorry.

Re: new to the board
Posted by c on Thu Feb 28 20:02:12 2002 (#14539)

on a personal note, for me, i dont think there's a hell...maybe just a place where you chill till God says it's okay to go to heaven...but if he truely loved us as much as he says he does then i don't think he'd allow such a place...or maybe this is hell...that makes sense, right?and being here helps us appreciate heaven. maybe this is our second life/or hell and then we get to go to heaven...who knows? okay, i'm just rambling now...sorry one thing you do have to remember is that if you "left" you'd be passing your pain onto others...and i know that's one thing that nobody here wants to do...a very good friend of mine shot himself 3 months ago...i almost followed...but i thought about it and he was one of the few ppl who taught me how to live again, and i'm gonna keep on living just to show him that his efforts weren't without notice. stay strong and watch sunsets/rises and stars...they're always there but nobody ever cares...but that doesn't mean that they'll go away...they still shine for those few ppl who appreciate what they truely are.

Re: new to the board
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Thu Feb 28 20:14:46 2002 (#14541)

that was real nice...about the sunsets and stars. would be nice if i could place myself in the same category as them. i know life isnt perfect, and its not meant to be...

but couldnt it at least be Bearable?

Re: new to the board
Posted by katelyn on Thu Feb 28 22:48:50 2002 (#14548)

stay strong and watch sunsets/rises and stars...they're always there but nobody ever cares...but that doesn't mean that they'll go away...they still shine for those few ppl who appreciate what they truely are.

wow if you/a friend made that up or read it its really ... nice? dont know what to call it but its umm true and a good thing to tell yourself when ur not happy... thank you im going to copy that and tell myself it when i need to .... if you dont mind..... thanks yeahh ill go now lol ----katelyn

Re: new to the board
Posted by c on Fri Mar 1 06:10:52 2002 (#14582)

you're welcome, i'm glad i could help

Re: new to the board
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Mar 1 01:03:19 2002 (#14556)

Hi, I just wanted to welcome you to the board. This is a good place to come cause someone will understand what you're going through and how you feel. Personally, I just provide support and let the "kids" know I'm here for them. Please take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: new to the board
Posted by Crimson Fire on Fri Mar 1 04:55:41 2002 (#14574)

hey! i hear you about the being "normal" then all of a sudden youre all fucked up. i was like the golden child till the end of 8th grade then all of a sudden all i could think about was how much like hell life was, i couldnt get out of bed in the morning, i couldnt talk to my friends anything like that, then i discovered cutting...and somehow it made me able to get through the day. i wasnt much happier but at least i could get out of bed and occasionally mumble a hello to my friends. if you ever wanna talk just email me or something and ill give you my screen name. we;re all here for you :)

scared of losing the person I care about the most
Posted by eleanor on Thu Feb 28 21:06:46 2002 (#14542)

I have this friend, my only real friend. well she's amazing and I love her more than anyone in the world and she's always been there for me. she tried to kill herself last year and that nearly killed me, and she's been in therapy and on tablets for about a year. well, she's been so down recently and today she told me that she's taken herself out of therapy and stopped taking her tablets and her depressions getting worse. I feel like some of it's my fault coz i've been such a fucking mess and cutting and she knew all about that. we've always been there for each other, she's more like family than my family, but I feel like i've let her down and I hate myself for it. she's so down i'm scared she might try and kill or hurt herself again and i know I'm a hyppocrit but I can't stand to see her like this again I want to make her pain go away but I haven't been doing coz she's been so worried about me and I HATE MYSELF. I love her so much. Is this my fault? Please help. what can i do?

Re: scared of losing the person I care about the m
Posted by scared aka donna on Thu Feb 28 21:55:48 2002 (#14545)

hi eleanor, its me again! listen chuck, i can relate to you on this one to a certain extent. i shall explain....... my friend last year tried to kill herself, was unsuccessfull and tried again. it hurt me so much to know that shed done this. i thort i was going to lose her. later she became worse and refused to see her counsiller. i was very worried about her. you have to understand that whats going on with your friend is NOT YOUR FAULT. she is going througha rough time of it just like you and unfortunately she doesnt seem to see much of a way forward. i think that the only way you could help her is to let her know that you are there for her and try to support her in the decisions she makes. im afraid thats all you can do really. maybe you could let her know that you cansort of understand how shes feeling. i mean i dont no your circumstaances but i no that i have felt suicidal in the past but i dont no about you. that is hte way that i tried to help my friend, along with her other friends we made her realise that, as shocking as it was for her to understand, we all cared about her very much and would be experiencing the pain tht she was having too if she were to die. my friend is doing well now and is in college and is in love. she got through it, she is my inspiration. what you need to grasp here is that how your friend is feeling is not your fault ok? just as you would probably reassure your friend that how your feeling is not her fault. i hope this has helped chuck. hope you are ok love n stuff xxdonnaxx

Re: scared of losing the person I care about the m
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Mar 1 01:07:37 2002 (#14557)

Hey Eleanor, Please don't loose hope. Have you suggested to your friend about trying some different meds? The ones she's taking now don't seem to be working if she's feeling more depressed. And please don't feel guilty for her problems. Sounds like she wouldn't want you to. She sounds like such a great friend. If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know. Also, don't forget to take care of yourself. YOu're worth it also. Take care honey. LOve, Rhonda

Re: scared of losing the person I care about the m
Posted by Amber on Fri Mar 1 01:15:11 2002 (#14558)

Hey, it sounds like this must be really hard for both of you. Above all, you shouldn't feel guilty - chances are your friend would feel this way even if you weren't cutting. The only thing you can do is be there for her and stay with her as much as possible. Also, if she thinks it would help, try to possibly get her in a different therapy program, or like Rhonda said, on meds that work. And if worst comes to worst and you are really fearing for her life, there are ways you can contact hospitals. I know that would be a horrible thing to have happen, but to be blunt, its better than her dying, right? Well, I'm sorry your in such a tough spot. Also, don't forget to take care of yourself! Cuz it sounds like she really cares about you too, and I'm sure she wouldn't like seeing you sad. Good luck, ~Amber~

WHERE ARE ALL THE OLD PSYKE PEOPLE?
Posted by mego on Fri Mar 1 01:36:27 2002 (#14561)

Where did everyone go?? I come on and all I see are posts from new people and I miss everyone that was on before, in the beginning. I don't know, I feel like I'm one of the only ones left from everyone else and it's kinda suckin right now because I'm goin insane, not being able to talk to someone familliar or see a post from someone from before. Come on guys, where are you?? Come back!!

mego

Now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

poetry?
Posted by crystal on Fri Mar 1 01:57:23 2002 (#14563)

written anything new lately? i would love to hear it. love, c

Re: WHERE ARE ALL THE OLD PSYKE PEOPLE?
Posted by Alana on Fri Mar 1 02:23:20 2002 (#14566)

hahaha, still here...unfortunately...I'm a really old psyker though, ancient.

You don't know me do you? Meah. I know you.

Love, Alana

Re: WHERE ARE ALL THE OLD PSYKE PEOPLE?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Mar 2 02:01:56 2002 (#14599)

Hey Mego, I'm still here but just not every day. I still try to read all the posts. It does seem like there are a lot of new people coming here, but they are all welcome. Take care mego. Love, Rhonda

Re: WHERE ARE ALL THE OLD PSYKE PEOPLE?
Posted by *me* on Sun Mar 3 03:26:38 2002 (#14642)

I'm here, I know what you mean about all the new people - I think all the "old" people have drifted over to the new board...which I'm usually blocked from. I'm on here a lot, I just don't post as often as I used to. If you need anything, just ask, I'm here. Take care and stay safe! Lots of love.

Re: WHERE ARE ALL THE OLD PSYKE PEOPLE?
Posted by Silver Wolf on Mon Mar 4 05:19:24 2002 (#14675)

yeah same here ....I am an oldy as well but sometimes the new people can help out just as much if not more then the old ones did !! hang in there mego ....things will start looking up!!

i guess i write poetry
Posted by wallflower on Fri Mar 1 02:15:05 2002 (#14565)

I have some "poetry" I've written. I don't know that it's any good, but you guys can decide. If you don't like it I'll just keep it to myself, otherwise I have plenty to share.

SUFFOCATION I love you so much I'm suffocated. You are the light and dark, Black and white. Where am I, the child? The child is inside Pushed down and suffocated Waiting to breathe. The outer image sighs And conforms to the shape you mold. Am I still here? Hands come. Quick movements. Silver plunges. There I am, and I am free. My mutilated image brightens. A shaky strength has returned. I can breathe now.

Re: i guess i write poetry
Posted by mego on Fri Mar 1 02:36:14 2002 (#14567)

youre really talented. damn, thats phat. keep writing.

Re: i guess i write poetry
Posted by wallflower on Fri Mar 1 03:40:38 2002 (#14572)

Thank you so much. I'm glad you liked it. Usually the people who read them just go, "weird." I'll post some more later. Thanks again.

Re: i guess i write poetry
Posted by mego on Fri Mar 1 05:08:27 2002 (#14577)

please post more, i'd like to read it

the moon is falling from the sky
Posted by mego on Fri Mar 1 02:51:23 2002 (#14570)

misty silence in the air//the smell of smoke in my hair//this morning that arose in pink in gold//the night is now so dark and cold//the moon is falling from the sky//and we're standing here, you and i//my secret torments me and keeps me alive//if i told would you survive?//the light melts down and all the stars laugh//what will become of our aftermath?//a few scars that will take time to fade//a few memories that wont ever go away//and still you stand by my side//trusting me to confide//i wonder what would happen if you knew//nothing could make me tell you//so i crawl in my bed where i feel safe and warm//only after what you might call self harm//my secrets and my thoughts mix into my dreams//and, like life, its not what it seems

Re: the moon is falling from the sky
Posted by Crimson Fire on Fri Mar 1 05:13:07 2002 (#14578)

i love the last line. its sadly so completely true.

Re: the moon is falling from the sky
Posted by scaredinthedark aka zandra on Sat Mar 2 00:04:29 2002 (#14593)

hey mego. that was really good. i liked it. the words make sense together and i get the feeling of the poem. good job and keep writing. lots of love. scaredinthedark

Hello All
Posted by KAT on Fri Mar 1 05:23:36 2002 (#14579)

Hi Ive been locked away in a psych. hospital for the past 2 weeks. I had to get 36 stitches in my arm.. yah its gotten way out of control. I wont be back until after a nother month in a good treatment center for SI people. I guess no one cares, but anyways thats whats up with me,. I prob wont read what yall say here for a while so take care everyone. love you much KAT 2-28-02

Re: Hello All
Posted by mego on Fri Mar 1 22:15:55 2002 (#14587)

dude, i miss you so much. i was wondering what happened to you. please try and get better quickly, i miss reading all of your posts. good luck, try to post again soon!

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: Hello All
Posted by zandra on Sat Mar 2 00:06:48 2002 (#14594)

hey kat. that sux. good luck though. cya when you get back. <3 always zandra

Re: Hello All
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Mar 2 02:04:21 2002 (#14600)

KAT!!!!!!!!! I really hope everything goes okay for you. Please come back when you can and let me know how you are doing. I'll be praying for you. Good luck honey. Take care of yourself. Love, RHonda

my first poems on psyke..
Posted by Crimson Fire on Fri Mar 1 05:52:17 2002 (#14580)

hey guys im avoiding hmk and i just found three of my old journals (the only three i never burned..) and i thought i might put two of the shorter ones on here for you guys to read. theyre not like good or anything, but ya know, its just expression i guess. they take up a lot of space so dont read them if you dont want to...

The Question:

a scapegoat of my sins exists in panging segments 'cross my wrists. down my skin i make my lists, between the lines its truth, subscripts.

lost atop my. sinai, no bushes here to heed my cry life lingers on this solemn lie... do fear the power atop the sky?

the apodictic laws arent heard, i cant obey...oh curse the third! pillars of salt or leave the herd faithful...i cant say the word.

ive lost my sight, lextalionis his awesome hand provides no solace, in belief there is no bonus, how can he...how can he own us?

a scapegoat of my sins exists in panging segments 'cross my wrists. down my skin i make my lists, between the lines its truth, subscripts.

Captive:

You feel the moments you misconstrued, you know the times youre wrong. youre blinded by the things you see, sift through you like malicious song. with pieces you can smash a puzzle, but pieces break your soul. the jigsaw that embodies enemies inside of your heart's hole. the warewolf singing in my head, wont let me break away. he holds me with his love of hate, puree me till i live.

Re: my first poems on psyke..
Posted by mego on Fri Mar 1 22:22:23 2002 (#14589)

fuck yeah, dude!! you're a little poet! thats awesome, i didn't know you could write like that. right on bro!! i luv ya! write me some mail, okay chica?

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

scratching???
Posted by c on Fri Mar 1 06:41:29 2002 (#14583)

i've been reading all these posts about scratching and got a little freaked out...i said in some other messsages that i scratched....but i want to clarify myself. i'm not a trend cutter. i don't scratch with toothpicks but i don't cut with knives. i scratch my skin like i itch..and just keep scratching... i guess i'm not really a "cutter" but i deal with my problems in my own way. i hate sharp pain but scratching sort of, soothes my pain, i guess....i just keep doing it till i can control the pain. then i get this warm sensation as the scratch goes numb. and the marks just look like i fell and took some skin off...so i guess i'm not a cutter, but i feel what you guys feel and hopefully that's enough...

Re: scratching???
Posted by BeautifulLoser on Fri Mar 1 08:27:58 2002 (#14584)

Naw, you're not a cutter, a self injurer maybe, I don't know, maybe it's just a habit, do you do it intentionally to hurt yourself?

Re: scratching???
Posted by c on Fri Mar 1 14:33:19 2002 (#14586)

yeah, pain makes me feel better...atleast while i'm doing it...i dunno...it's more like punishment...i'm such a fuckup...you don't understand...everything i do i fuck up. i've fucked up everything in my life that has ever meant something to me. if i dont' fuck it up then other ppl fuck me over. i'm such a disappointment to everyone around me...it's more like, "you stupid bitch, just leave everyone the fuck alone!" and then i start scratching...kinda my own way of reminding myself not to fuck up again. it never keeps me from fucking up but atleast i feel like i get what i deserve. maybe i just don't belong here either...sorry guys.

Re: scratching???
Posted by Trout on Thu Mar 7 12:48:20 2002 (#14826)

Yes lovey you belong here and dont let anyone say otherwise, I start with stcratching when I was 11 it stopped for a while I think becuase I got into other stuff, drinking etc Then when everything really went to shit I started cutting. Some people use this site to let out their feelings, talk, If its going to help then do it here, These can be lonley times and your certainly not alone here and there are people that care, me for one, Keep talking lovey it does work, Im doing ok at the mo Im not cutting thanks to a good counsellor, If you can get a hold of this before it gets a hold of you, where here to support you.

Ps im thinking about launching my own site when I do I'll let you know and you can be apart of it.

Re: scratching???
Posted by Trout on Thu Mar 7 12:48:49 2002 (#14827)

Yes lovey you belong here and dont let anyone say otherwise, I start with stcratching when I was 11 it stopped for a while I think becuase I got into other stuff, drinking etc Then when everything really went to shit I started cutting. Some people use this site to let out their feelings, talk, If its going to help then do it here, These can be lonley times and your certainly not alone here and there are people that care, me for one, Keep talking lovey it does work, Im doing ok at the mo Im not cutting thanks to a good counsellor, If you can get a hold of this before it gets a hold of you, we are here to support you.

Ps im thinking about launching my own site when I do I'll let you know and you can be apart of it.

Re: scratching???
Posted by Matt on Sat Mar 2 00:42:11 2002 (#14596)

Hey, I actually started out only scratching, like, i used this metal filing kit that my step dad had. I despised sharp pain, i could never think if actually cutting myself... Now im fuckin butchering my arms on at least a biweekly basis with a box cutter razor.

It probably will get worse if you dont try and chill out. (sorry to sound like an idiot)

I TOLD MY PARENTS
Posted by scared aka donna on Fri Mar 1 13:08:08 2002 (#14585)

i finally did it. they cried i cried they yelled i yelled they dont understand at all and have taken the knife away from me and have counted my cuts. they only want to help and im gratefull its just that they think that im going to stop just bcs they tell me to. ive been to he docs today and i go to see a psychiatrist next week. im sooo tired i hardly slept last night. in a weird way i do feel better for telling them even though there reaction has been unbelievably ignorant. its gonna be a hard time for all of us but i think i have done the rite thing xxx

Re: I TOLD MY PARENTS
Posted by mego on Fri Mar 1 22:26:19 2002 (#14590)

be grateful, i got hit and threatened to be put away when my mom found out, shes never even tried to get me help or anything. youre lucky. good luck.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: I TOLD MY PARENTS
Posted by scaredinthedark on Sat Mar 2 00:14:39 2002 (#14595)

hey. good job i'm very proud of you. it sux that they don't understand but maybe talk to them about it without them yelling or talking. sit down with them and ask them to listen for a while. tell them why you cut and yur problems. hopefully if they are good parents then they will listen. i wish you the best of luck. take care. lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: I TOLD MY PARENTS
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Mar 2 02:07:50 2002 (#14601)

I'm proud of you honey, that was a big step to take and it takes a lot of courage to do that. Now, I just hope your parents get you someone to really help. It wouldn't hurt for them to attend a few sessions on how to deal with their feelings about your cutting. It helped me sooooooooooo much. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you or your parents. Take care. Love, Rhonda

cant take it back
Posted by mego on Fri Mar 1 22:43:56 2002 (#14592)

black cold tear that was once warm and clear//leaving a trail down my face//nothing is real, only the pain that i feel// and i'm trapped inside this place//the walls know my secret and i know they will keep it//but they're slowly falling down//too much left of the awful mess//the blood is staining the ground//i remember what was nothing might have been something//but that was so long ago//the words of the past never seem to last//unless i didn't want to know//now i finally relax and i can't take it back//tomorrow is another day//things will go wrong and it will last to long//but what the hell can i say?

Saw the cuts, sendin me somewhere
Posted by Matt on Sat Mar 2 00:56:19 2002 (#14597)

I recently REALLY fucked up my arm, 87 cuts and ive been trying to hide it, but my mom and psychiatrist saw it so now theyre gonna send me to, i believe its called "out patient care" its a more institutionalized type place, like a hospital. And i guess ill just go there for a few hours every day. That fuckin sucks... Has anyone been to any place like that? If so could you tell me about it, what is it like? i dont know what to expect, theres a long waiting list though so i wont have to go for a few weeks, but im still curious...

thanks

Re: Saw the cuts, sendin me somewhere
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Mar 2 02:13:38 2002 (#14602)

Hey Matt, We sent Tara to a in-patient place for 4 days. We couldn't see her till after the second day. It was the hardest thing we ever had to do in our lives. I cried all the way home and so did her dad. Then I cried while making supper the next night cause I realized that I was only making supper for 3 people instead of 4. I don't really know what your experience will be, but it helped Tara so much even though she hated the people there. It helped her see that some of the stuff she was doing (not the cutting) was taking her down the wrong road. She has come a long way and I'm very proud of her. Take care of yourself Matt cause you deserve the best. Love, Rhonda

Re: Saw the cuts, sendin me somewhere
Posted by Alana on Sat Mar 2 03:02:53 2002 (#14603)

I've been to many...sorry to hear you have to go, but maybe it could help you. YOu just pretty much participate in all the daily activities and groups that the inpatients go to, its just you get to go home at night....lucky man, such a man.

Good Luck :)

Love, Alana

Re: Saw the cuts, sendin me somewhere
Posted by eleanor on Sun Mar 3 19:48:57 2002 (#14662)

i'm really sorry to hear that, it really sucks. they keep threatening me with places like that but i've managed to avoid it so far. I really hope you get on ok. love always, eleanor x x

Panic Attacks
Posted by Dawn on Sat Mar 2 04:49:31 2002 (#14604)

I had a big one the other day, hope I can stay awake long enough to type what I wat to say.

My latest attack showed me how sick I've been since in my early teen years. Sorry, dosed off for about 5 minutes there. Ok, back then I called it a lot of things, flipped my lid, wenr (did it again).Simply put I labled it sometning different (excuse the typo-- it I go back and correct them It w;; tale ,e a;; night to say shat I SIMF (DOD OT AGAOM)/

oK LET ME MAKE SOME SINCE OUT OF all this. I learned that when I went off my mediscations I did it a lot with my kids and took mu crazyiness out on them.

The think is I witnessed my father try to manipulate my mother into disregarding his molesting my half sisters and her threatening to divorce him for lying about it fo 7 yeats and accepting hiw word that it would never happen again even though for seven when he molested her and she went to Mama and told he has told her Bitsey was making up fibs because she didn't like how he made her do what he told her to do..

I am very impulsive. I get an idea into my head and I wanted it done yesterday. I turn into a mad woman. I scream because they weren't done fast enough for me and I would beat them until I was exhausted. So now I believe I deserve punishment CUTTING for being such a horribe mother and blame it on all the guys who raped and molested me throughout my life. I feel like a hypocritt.

My point tonight is that we behave as we do because we lose control and judge our own behavior as we would do unto other peoble who have harmed ourself.

I have a right to cut, MUTILATE, my body. not because I was a poor defensless little baby who was made unclearned by hands and other body parts that touched me agianst my will from the time I was in diapers. They did something bad, and can be forgiven for, My defilemanet by their acts soiled me and I hurt others because I was infected with mental illnesses by thier touch.

I believe Jesus Chirst, and the blood that He shed paying the penalty for the sins I commited and those commited by all those who touched me, asked me to do things which I in good consciouse would never do or even think of. Yet my body went into auto pilot believing that to disobey would cost me my life. Now I wonder if in trying to save my life I lost it to mental illness. The bottom line is this: look your past in the face and seek out help from the One who both cleans and heals broken hearts, broken souls, and finds the point of the break where the spirit is injured the greatest.

Jesus, do for me what I cannot do for myself. Grant me Peace/

really random..
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sat Mar 2 06:03:14 2002 (#14606)

hey guys i know this is really random and i know all of you guys have thought about this before, and i know i have too, but reaaaaally randomly it just all of a sudden dawned on me that im gonna be covered in scars the rest of my life! like sure some of my super old ones that werent really deep will probably fade, but for the most part im gonna die with purple covering my arms...i donno why that all of a sudden affected me so much. i mean ive thought about it before but it just all of a sudden hit me. its gonna be something im going to be hiding forever. for the rest of my life im going to have this huge deep dark secret, and it kinda bothers me. i wish scars wouldnt stay. cause the cuts feel better than anything in this world, and i LIKE the scars for now cause they bring back memories...i know its twisted but you like remember the cut ya know and so sometimes it just makes you feel better to remember unless youre really in a hole. but yeah. it just dawned on me for real that this is never going to go away and theres nothing i can do about it...and nothing i really would want to anyway...

Re: really random..
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Sat Mar 2 11:48:23 2002 (#14608)

yeah...i've kinda thought about it, like- if i get out of this mess and find a guy who doesnt treat me like a wad of flem (mission impossible?), then i wanna have kids....and how would i explain to them? and if they saw me with scars and i tell them not to cut, they would be confused, like "my mom does it so it must be ok....and if she does it why does she tell us NOT to?"

thats more what im worried about. im not worried people will think im sick or disturbed...... because they think that anyways.

and this whole "thing" is not about what others think of you...its about how you think of yourself. nobody else is important right now. they got their freedom, dont give them yours as well.

sorry, in a weird mood today! nice weather outside, reminds me of when i was 12 :o)

Re: really random..
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sat Mar 2 17:24:53 2002 (#14612)

yeah ive thought about that too. what will my kids think?? i really want to have kids someday. and how will i be able to find a guy tahts not going to be completely disgusted? and i know its not really what other people think about me that matters...but my self esteem is so incredibly low that whenever someone says something terrible to me i completely believe it and when they say something nice i think theyre just saying it cause they have to be nice. oh well though. theres nothing that can be done about it all anyway.

Re: really random..
Posted by Matt on Sat Mar 2 17:32:19 2002 (#14614)

Dont worry babe. Youll find a guy out there thats right for you. Besides, if any guy is a big enough asshole to be 'disgusted' in the scars from something like this, and he doesnt take the time to understand it and realize what a great person you are. Then he doesnt deserve you, you're better than that, and deserve to be treated better than that. Anyone ignorant enough to be an asshole about what we do, isnt worth getting upset over, because theyre obviously a jerk anyway, so why would you even want to be around them?

sorry, i hope this helps, im sorry

Re: really random..
Posted by mego on Sat Mar 2 18:12:19 2002 (#14617)

i know what you mean bro. and i have words carved into me. you can still see them in the scars. what will people think if they see them? i know how to keep it covered for now, what about later?? shit. now i'm thinkin about it. write to me!!

Re: really random..
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sat Mar 2 18:55:50 2002 (#14618)

yeah mego the word thing freaks me out a lot. i dont have that many words, and most of them are indistinguishable cause of all the other scars aroudn them they just look like a patchwork of crazy lines, but you can definitely see "HIDE" and "CHAOS" and then there are a bunch of stars that you can definitley see, and its just like whats gonna happen when inevitably someone sees?? i didnt mean to get everyone all crazy thinking about this, but im just really starting to realize this, and i feel stupid too cause youd think that thinking about that would motivate me to stop...but well in no way has it! it just makes me feel like even more of a freak. but thanks matt, hopefully we'll all find someone who doesnt judge us and can get past it. my boyfriend right now can "get past it" but i think its just cause hes a horny little fucker.whatever.

New
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Mar 2 11:36:18 2002 (#14607)

Hello Ive been on loads of self harm sights and I have finally decided this one is the best. What do you call self-harm, am I the only one who calls it that, because everyone else seems to call it self injury, or even self mutalation. I hate that last one, when my cancellor uses it i always have a go at her, im not a mutant or a freak. i just have different ways of dealing with stuff. Ill go now because Im rambling... Love Broken Girl

Re: New
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Sat Mar 2 11:57:14 2002 (#14609)

i prefer self injury. or if i HAVE to talk about it, i say "cutting myself", though i certainly respect that cutting isnt the only form of self-injury -its just that its my "preference."

i agree with self mutilation... thats what it is, but the wording makes it so gruesome. maybe they gave it that name to try to "shock" people out of doing it. i dunno.... i think this is a great place to talk because you know the people here understand, won't mock you or put you down. plus you dont have to tell your name or age or anything. and you dont have to worry about that HORRIBLE face-to-face confrontation, which is my worst nightmare!

welcome to the board :o)

Re: New
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sat Mar 2 17:30:03 2002 (#14613)

hey broken girl, welcome to the site! i dont like to even refer to SI. on the board its ok like i can say yeah i cut myself, but in realy life i like freak out whenever someone says cut even though the only time i ever hear it at school is like "can you cut out that picture for me", but i still freak i cant STAND hearing that word. my parents when i used to still communicate with them would refer to it as cutting, or more often slicing. i literally felt like i was going to throw up every time they mentioned it. then in therapy my therapists always said "cutting on yourself" or "your cutting" which always pissed me off but when they said that id start shivering all over and felt like i was going to throw up. i just cant stand it being talked about in real life. but i agree with you guys about self mutilation, sure thats what it is but could you choose a more gruesome way of saying it???

Re: New
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Mar 2 20:09:18 2002 (#14622)

Hi, Welcome to the board. This is a good place to be in my opinion. My daughter never calls it anything but cutting herself. Even her doctor says cutting. And you're right, you're not a freak or any other thing. You just deal with with stuff in a different way than I would. That's okay though. Wouldn't it be great if everyone accepted you for how you are?!!! I know that is wishful thinking. YOu just hang in there and keep plugging on. Don't worry about what others think. IF they can't accept you for who you are, then that is their problem. If you ever want to talk or anything, just email me. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: New
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Mar 9 11:44:18 2002 (#14897)

Hi Thanx for respondin to my post, shame no one else calls it self harm, mind you Im starting to get used to saying self injury, but the word cutting always wins. Its pretty ironic Im here talking bout what to call it, because when I started I didn't even know it had a name, I just did it. Bye bye for now, Broken Girl x

thanx4 help, wont be around 4 while cozza parents!
Posted by scared aka donna on Sat Mar 2 15:16:04 2002 (#14610)

hey everyone. im not getting any space whatsoever now that the folks know my secret. they want to help and think they are but they autmatically assume that this is sommet u can switch off. oh shit dads bak... i wont b around for while now there keeping close tabs on me. cya sometime soon hopefully. i rely on this site a lot. ive gotta go without cutting for a long time xx wish me luckxx