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Threads 3501 to 3550

Cutting for no reason
Posted by KAT on Thu Feb 14 04:09:09 2002 (#14033)

Am I the only one who does this? I feel bad like I have nothing major, just little hurtful things going on in my life..and yet I still cut. I cut in the shower, left arm..I dont normally do that. EVER

I cut to cut, to feel..to see blood to see how far I'll go. for no reason..that in itself makes me hurt inside to know that Im harming my body and making marks thatll be there for a long time for NOTHING ..NOTHING! am I crazy? whats wrong...WHY. am I alone? no reason I cut

no reason..it makes me cry

-KAT

Re: Cutting for no reason
Posted by mego on Thu Feb 14 04:49:07 2002 (#14037)

i cut for no reason too. i never said anything here because it seems like everyone has all these huge problems, and mine seem so unsignifigant. don't want to have to listen to one more person tell me to shut up and stop being a pussy. but if you do it and admit to it, then maybe i can too because everyone loves you, so why would they yell at me and not you?? my family does shit like that, but the people here have more decency than that. can't spell, you know what i mean. sorry, rambling again. bad night.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: Cutting for no reason
Posted by Ema on Thu Feb 14 18:04:43 2002 (#14045)

I used to do the same thing. I haven't cut or burned for six months and hopefully I'll continue not to do so. But I used to love the feeling of cutting and would do it even if i felt totally fine. Sometimes just to see how much damage I could do. xxx

Re: Cutting for no reason
Posted by confused on Thu Feb 14 19:58:20 2002 (#14047)

i sometimes cyt for no reason sometimes i cut for a good reason an dother times i cut coz things are going so great.

we all cut for different reason and those with problems feel no less or more pain than everyone else. if thier probs went away they would still cut its a addiction.

never feel to scared or pussy to talk to us we are here for you even if you feel no one is.

Re: Cutting for no reason
Posted by Dawn on Sun Feb 17 01:28:01 2002 (#14103)

Hi Kat. I can't remember if I replied to your email. Sometimes these meds I'm on make me forget how to pee, and I sit on the toilet for hours, waking then dosing off again, but since my fall last summer I make sure my leg is awake before I get up and try to get to bed. So if I didn't reply or I did and it made no sense please forgive me.

Now about the cutting "for no reason". Bull!!!! Even when our conscious mind does not identify a rational reason doesn't mean we have no reason. If we has super human eyes that could look in the deep recesses and corners inside the cells of our memory we could spot the reason with very little effort. But God created us with a subconscious that stores things that are too painful to remember, and trust me some, most are better left unremembered.

I went from thinking I lived a pretty normal life to asking God to break down the walls of my subconscious mind so I could be healed, so that I could love people and feel the love they were trying to give me. Now I am almost sorry I prayed that prayer because I learned I lived the life of a whore, although, I fought againse it.

Here is a good example. A friend from jr. high was two years older than myself. I was shy and naive. One night at her house every kid from the neighborhood was at her house and was playing spin the bottle. I was ok with the other kids kissing their what I surmised was their girlfriends, but when it came time for me to spin the bottle I couldn't. There was no one I wanted to kiss. So my girlfriend rescued me and spun the bottle and made sure it landed on herself, then she kissed me on the cheek. Later the games changed to ones played outdoors. And she picked me because eveyone else had chose someone and I was the only one, the one nobody wanted. the only one left. Kim rescued me a lot. I counted on that. And these kinds of boy / girl games were not for me. I was into card games, go fish, concentration, canasta.... Not 7 minutes in heaven. So she said we'd go first and she took me to a table had me get on it and lay on my back.....what she did next was sent into one of those corners in my subconsicous. and it is a very good reason to cut that is buried deep under a lot of other crap.

Years later our paths crossed and she told me she went by her first name since high school. And we started hanging out together. Me still being the tag-a-long. One night a bunch of service men brought her to where I was staying and she asked if I wanted to go hang out with her and her friends. They talked about going back to their place and playing cards. Which I said earlier was more m cup of tea. Only ten minutes or so into the game they threw the regular rules out and added removing items of clothes when you lost hand. Fear gripped me and I became a zombie, control by the crowd while Lisa became a player like I had never seen her. Before long I was swept up and place on a bed on one side of the room and Lisa climbed in one right across from me. Both of us were having sex, in my mind only two kinds of people have sex, married women and whores. Well three, people who love each other. I knew Lisa did love all these guys and I hated them and was crying my eyes out, while Lisa was seeming to have the time of her life.

When they were trough with us and took me to my oldest sister's house where I was living I cried myself to sleep and when I woke up the memory of the night before was extracted from my mind. Until 20+ years later. When my subconscoius mind released its memories.

I haven't cut for a long time but there were days when I cut when my conscious mund had no reason to cut. However when I did an inventory of the breakers of my mind flashes of that night revealed to me and many reasons to cut. One was that while Lisa was involved in the happening of the same night, I was raped and she was not, and the truth hurts even more.....Kim has molested me in jr High, and Lisa from high school set the whole gang rape thing up knowing I'd not make a fuss because I counted her a sacred friend when the truth was she was not a friend at all.

And although I learned in therapy I was raped, I still feel like a whore. And even when I'm not thinking about any of my rapes and molestations they continue to hide out in the recesses of my mind and can bring about the urge to cut at any moment, at the sight of serviceman, and at any of the hundreds of reminders of any of my rapes or molestations while on the surface it appears I am cutting for no reason at all.

So boiling this all down: It come down to this. We probably have a reason we are just not aware of at the moment. Please forgive me for going on and on but sometimes saying the boiled down point without the story makes the answer meaningless....May God use my words to help someone understand how our subconscious minds better

Re: Cutting for no reason
Posted by emma on Mon Feb 18 23:46:03 2002 (#14134)

i feel like ihave failed you have all been hurt so much i dont even know why i cryed when i read your storys i dont have right to be here

Re: Cutting for no reason
Posted by zandra on Mon Feb 18 23:55:48 2002 (#14135)

emma everyone has a right to be here no matter how much they have been hurt or not. even if you are here to help it's ok to be here. idk why you are here i haven't been on in a while but why r u here? i would like to know cause i'm just curious. it's good that you're here even if you don't think you should be. <3 always. zandra

Re: Cutting for no reason
Posted by emma on Tue Feb 19 01:13:26 2002 (#14141)

zandra i feel i should not be here because i dont have a reason to cut myself

Re: Cutting for no reason
Posted by zandra on Tue Feb 19 01:58:49 2002 (#14145)

maybe you just can't find a reason. did you have a reason when you started or did you just start for no reason too. maybe you have a reason deep down inside that you haven't faced yet because it hurts too much. take care. <3 always zandra

Re: Cutting for no reason
Posted by scared on Tue Feb 19 14:28:39 2002 (#14165)

i started cutting for no reason too before christmas. i feel angry and upset just as i imagine you will be. people cut themselves for all sorts of reasons and it is common for the people not to know why. counselling may help to uncover the deep deep down inside reason as to why you do it. but then hey! listen to me giving you advice when im in the exact same position so i aint gonna carry on being a hypocrit. i no that i could go get counselling but to be honest with you im scared to find out the reason. ive been cutting for 2 months now. i hope that you overcome your fears.

Re: Cutting for no reason
Posted by emma on Tue Feb 19 15:30:46 2002 (#14166)

you seem to be nice i have been cutting myself for about two months but i have been thinking about it for a long time ,i cant understand why i have the need to see blood myheart races thinking about cutting when i cut myself i can breath again.

Re: Cutting for no reason
Posted by zandra on Tue Feb 19 17:02:28 2002 (#14176)

maybe you just don't know the reason yet or can't remember it because it happened a long time ago. thank you one the nice part. i've been cutting since june last year. i know why but don't want help. yet but it's good that you came here. and i came here too. it you ever want to talk im me(sassycggurl) i have aol but my email thing is messed up i hafta but yur email adress on it but you can still im me if you need to. i'm here and everyone else is here too. take care. <3 always zandra

Re: Cutting for no reason
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Feb 19 17:22:10 2002 (#14179)

I've been cutting myself for about a year now. Sometimes I do have a reason for cutting, but others I do it because I just can't help myself. I don't know why you others come on here, this is my first time, but reading your messages has helped. My parents have gone away and left me alone for the week, they often do this. When I'm alone I cut more. I'd appreciate someone writing back to me, I need some kind of human contact or I'll go crazy. Hope you're all ok

Re: Cutting for no reason
Posted by zandra on Tue Feb 19 17:24:33 2002 (#14180)

hey eleanor, i hope you are doing ok too. i'm sorry your parents left you for the week. i'm on vacation and my parents are gone too but they went to work or school

Re: Cutting for no reason
Posted by zandra on Tue Feb 19 17:24:58 2002 (#14181)

hey eleanor, i hope you are doing ok too. i'm sorry your parents left you for the week. i'm on vacation and my parents are gone too but they went to work or school. if you need to talk im me sassycggurl and we can talk ok. <3 always zandra

ignore the first one the second one is the reader
Posted by zandra on Tue Feb 19 17:27:11 2002 (#14182)

it says it all in the title. dont' read the first one it wasn't done read the second one cause it's the one that is done.

Re: Cutting for no reason
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Feb 19 17:33:50 2002 (#14183)

Thanx, this site is great. It's so helpful and everyone seems so nice. My parents are always going away. We don't really get on, mum is clinically depressed and hates me and my dad has a job with the government and is away all the time. They found out about my cutting and now they think I'm a freak, they don't understand. That's waht's so great about this site, people really know what I'm going through. Love El x

Re: Cutting for no reason
Posted by zandra on Tue Feb 19 17:43:58 2002 (#14184)

i'm glad you like the site. when i came here a couple of weeks ago i thought the same thing. i still do and i think it's great that people need and want help. that sux that your mom and dad think yur a freak. i think they should just try to talk to you. i think it would help a little. my parents don;t know i cut and i don't plan on telling them anytime soon but i still have my friends. they don't understand but they are sticking with me to help me. i'm in the colorguard and we are all like sisters so they want me to be ok. i guess i should love them for it but sumtimes it gets on my nerves. we are all here to talk and as i said in my other one you can im me to talk. i love talking to people. <3 always zandra

would you be my valentine?
Posted by none on Thu Feb 14 04:27:01 2002 (#14034)

Excuse me Mister. I was wondering if you'd be my Valentine? I'm very easy to please. Just take this razor and cut me anywhere you desire. Make it deep, make it a special scar that I can remember you by. You can own me with that scar. Look at it as marking your territory. Uh, Sir? You're looking rather pale. I'll be the one losing not you. You don't have to take any risks so don't be scared. Do what you want because you know you don't really care. You don't have to get me roses, my is red so that counts. You don't have to get me chocolate, I don't believe in eating. Just get me silver, the ones you by at the store. You're looking a bit better now. Nice to know that once you've bled me of all I'm worth you can just walk away. Look, I have a razor with me... Would you be my Valentine?

Re: would you be my valentine?
Posted by KAT on Thu Feb 14 05:02:47 2002 (#14039)

Nice way to get through a tough day, also known as Valentines day.

To me its just another day..another day filled with the color red..a color I see all to often. love ya -KAT

pain and valentines day
Posted by mego on Thu Feb 14 04:58:02 2002 (#14038)

carved PAIN into myself again. this time much bigger, going across my stomach, from one hip bone to the next. bled so much, but after i got out of the shower, it seemed so clean and the cuts seemed too little. so, i did it again. could read the word on my pants in blood that will turn darker as it dries. kristine and junior. nell and ted. tina and kevin. steph and luke. me and my razor. happy valentines day!! i should stay home from school tomorrow. all i'll do is sleep and feel sorry for myself anyway, so why can't i do that at home in bed?? maybe eat some chocolate someone offers me and get a little fatter. sounds good. i don't expect a response to this, what would anyone say that was really truthful anyway?? nothing because they'd have to lie, say something to make me feel better. fuck that. i dont need that shit, no more lies. i'm sorry, but i'm sick of all the bullshit going on everywhere. fuck.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: pain and valentines day
Posted by KAT on Thu Feb 14 05:05:22 2002 (#14040)

Hey mego.. yeah the word revolves on lies..people live day to day and keep a smile on their face due to pure lies. Everything is fucked, but no reason to be extra depressed on a day that was created for card companies to get rich fast. you know take care love -KAT

Re: pain and valentines day
Posted by Jenny on Fri Feb 15 00:49:18 2002 (#14054)

Hey,

I'm gona be honnest! This is one of the 1st times i ve been bak here 4 ages and from what little I have read I can understand what you are goin through. It sound stupid but I havent cut 4 bout a month or so, so im like well close from goin bak but i aint gona let my self. It is only you that can get you out of the way that you r. sound stupid but people can talk to you till your red in the face and it still wont go in but its YOU, you need to fink bout and CARE bout. Find a goal and think that yuo are gona achieve it, believe in your self. I have only stoped cutting because someone has made me happier than eva and i have realised that when eva things get me down ther are so many people around that care, I care about you else y would I be righting this????? answer that. i just came bak to read some but yours struck me. I have to help. Pain ive carved words they dont mean anything but they make you feel better right? wrong they hurt and dont solve anything. It has taken time to get over this nearly 2 1/2 years it makes me cry to see everyone like this, but what it takes is what it takes. Give me a buzz and im here to help, just dont forget thhis has all came from a 16 yr old!!!! love u loads

Re: pain and valentines day
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Feb 15 02:00:51 2002 (#14059)

Hey Mego, Here's something that's truthful, I care about you and really hope you're okay. Please keep your cuts clean and dry for me,okay? Take care. Love, Rhonda

fighting the urge...
Posted by marie on Thu Feb 14 16:35:42 2002 (#14044)

Hey guys... I keep hoping that it'll get easier to not cut, that all I had to do was resist the urge and it would eventually go away... I haven't cut in 5 months and it isn't getting any easier... some days it's much harder. I want to cut so bad I could scream... but my room-mate says she'll make me go the the emergency room and get stitches next time I cut, because the last time was so bad and I talked her out of taking me to the ER. I've been cutting so deep lately that I'm scaring myself, and I'm afraid that after fighting the urge for 5 months if or when I do cut it's gonna be bad. Please please give me some advice!!! I'm so afraid of giving in... I'm so afraid of myself and I don't know who to turn to. -marie mobley

Re: fighting the urge...
Posted by Ema on Thu Feb 14 18:16:29 2002 (#14046)

HI Marie Like you, I haven't cut or burned for a while now, 6 months to be exact. Each day is hard some harder than others. I've stopped for a year before and then gone back to it. And my cutting has gradually got worse. I've needed stitches a few times, but refused to go to hospital. I am determined to win this time. Please don't give in honey. You're stronger than it is. If I can be of any help, I'm here. My e-mail address is above and I have various messengers if you're interested? Hugs. xxx

a weird thing happened today
Posted by *me* on Thu Feb 14 21:43:56 2002 (#14048)

So at lunch today my friend brought up the subject of self-injury. She was telling us how there's this senior in one of her classes that cuts herself. Now, my school isn't small, but it certainly isn't big, and most everyone knows at least your face. So I know who this girl is. It was just really weird. My friend was saying how her "arm and wrist are all scabby." And then another friend kept going "Cutting? That's so gross." I so totally wanted to scream "NO! IT'S NOT GROSS!" and try to explain. But how could I explain without them knowing I cut? I couldn't. I might have slipped and told, or it would have hinted that I know a little too much about cutting to not be a cutter myself.

I just don't get it. There are two other cutters in my school. There's one that is in my class, we even used to be friends but we drifted apart. She was soo totally open about it, she didn't even hide it. And now this other girl. I don't know whether she showed her cuts or it was an accident. But God, how can people be so open about cutting? I mean, I don't know if any of you are, but me, I would do (almost) anything to keep it hidden. It's not that I don't want "help" but I just can't stand the thought of people knowing...I don't know. I'm rambling now. It was just really weird to learn about another girl right at my school..I don't know. It was weird.

Re: a weird thing happened today
Posted by The Person on Thu Feb 14 22:54:12 2002 (#14050)

im open about my cuts.In school i'll happily show them to those who ask to see.They often look in disgust and pass hurtful comments.I dont want help,i've never had help.It's always on offer.Teachers have seen my arms,my tutor has asked about it.I tell them straight up,they make their own decisions from there.The other school kids used to tease,name nd attempt to break me, as if i'd snap.I left them to it.They'll learn when they grow.I dont show them off.I'm just sick of hiding that part of me all the time.If they don't like it,they're not worth your time. I suppose im just open in a closed mind.

love and support. The Person

Re: a weird thing happened today
Posted by zandra on Thu Feb 14 23:06:13 2002 (#14051)

i agree. i like the last sentence too. i think that if anyone has a problem with it well too bad. that's who we are and if they want to see show them. i'm sick of hiding who i am. i don't do what The Person says she does but i wouldn't care if i had to. my parents don't know either. i don't care anymore. cutting is me. it's a part of me. i agree it's wrong to get attention but wouldn't you want to be free. like be free to wear whatever you want like everyone else and do things that require you to like wear a bathing suit. who cares what people say. you are you and they can't change you. they can hurt you only if you let them. don't let them and you'll be who you've always been just less paranoid. take in consideration what i've said and what The Person has said. she's right and i agree with her and in a way i'm right too. what i've said goes along the grounds of what she's said. <3 always zandra

Re: a weird thing happened today
Posted by KAT on Thu Feb 14 23:19:41 2002 (#14052)

I know what you mean. With me I dunno it's wierd..in the school I was in I didn't hide my cuts at all..all my friends knew I cut and even some teachers. I just wore what I felt like no matter if I had huge gross cuts, I mean I wouldnt show them off or anything like that, but if it was hot I would take off my jacket. BUt now things are different, I go to a new school and no one knows I cut and my parents think I have stopped. So now days my cuts are much deeper and worse, I wear a long sleeve every day! I mean every single day..it sucks because it gets really hot and I feel like Im gonna faint sometimes due to the heat. But I cant reveal my arms..or any other part of my body that is cut right now. But when you find out someone else around you does it, it is very strange!! Like at these meetings I go to there was a man sitting next to me I glanced over and noticed huge cuts on his arms, they were somewhat hidden but not really..ever since then me and him have set together at alot of meetings, it's wierd..like you have a connection to the person just cuz they cut. I dunno..maybe thats just me. I am I suppose afraid of what people might think after they see my cuts, its getting into spring time and it gets really hot down here. Not sure what to do. love ya bye -KAT

idk just bored
Posted by zandra on Thu Feb 14 22:46:36 2002 (#14049)

hi guys. idk what i'm writing today. i'm feelin pretty horrible and no one seems to be talking to me lately. i got 4 flowers today from my friends. my school sells carnations for this stupid holiday and i got 4. i have 3 months 26 days of school until summer vacation and 69 days until i go to willamsburg virginia for a band trip. i guess it'll be alright but my roommates told me not to bring anything sharp. we make these room rules and one is to make sure no one brings anything sharp unless it is a shaving razor and they will make sure i only get it to shave. idk it's a couple of months away i shouldn't be worrying now but i just had to say something. i hope everyone is doing well and even if i hate it and anyone else does too happy valentines day to everyone. <3 always zandra

Re: idk just bored
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Feb 15 02:05:47 2002 (#14060)

You're in Band? What instrument do you play? My youngest daughter plays the saxaphone. She's pretty good at it too. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: idk just bored
Posted by zandra on Fri Feb 15 02:47:14 2002 (#14062)

well i'm kind of in the band. i don't play an instrument. i'm in the colorguard. i twirl and flip the flags/rifles/sabres. we perform and play with the band so we are called the band while we are together but it's really the colorguard i'm in.

Re: idk just bored
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Feb 15 03:32:42 2002 (#14066)

That's pretty cool! Tasha likes the "flag girls" but says she didn't think she could do that. She's afraid she would mess up. Whenever her dad and I go to a football game, we sit at the very top of the bleachers so we can look down on the field and see the formations the whole band makes. Our flag girls have several different flags they use. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: idk just bored
Posted by zandra on Fri Feb 15 03:36:21 2002 (#14068)

yea we have many different flags too. we do like 3 or 4 songs for the seasons show and we either us a flag for it or the rifle or sabre. i like the rife and sabre the most. they are so fun to flip and spin. we make like the randomnest flags. right now we have a flag on a 3 foot pole with a ractangle shaped flag on it that twirls around us kind of like a ribbon dancer but the flag is the long way goin with the pole. well talk to ya later. <3 always zandra

you guys helped!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Tara on Fri Feb 15 00:34:35 2002 (#14053)

hey guys,

i read what you wrote.it helped me alot.justin and i have made up.he said that he was sorry and that he should have questioned the guy instead of blowing up on me like he did.also the reason that he would leave me if i cut again is that he does not like to see me hurt myself.it puts him in pain.i understand that to.i have almost beat this.i am just about to pass for the gold medal.i have worked far to hard to go back on something that only leaves behind painful memories.that is what the scars are to me.i know what each of them were for and i can't take anymore pain.i want peace in my life.i know cutting is a way for you guys to releive your pain,i just wish that you would try other methods.like sqeezing 2 or 3 pieces of ice in your hand.it hurts but does not leave behind scars.or even poping a rubber band on your wrist.they both hurt.i have tried them both.i am not criticizing you.its just that it is not healthy.and you can fight it and put it in your past.you guys are strong enough.i beleive in you.so does my mom.just ask her.i am not saying that it is easy because its not.it is a long battle in your every day life.but you can do it.please just try.for me ok.

LOVE YOU GUYS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

Re: you guys helped!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Feb 15 01:57:14 2002 (#14058)

Hey honey, So this is where you went when you ran some errands for me today!!!!!!!!!! I hope when you read this you will realize how proud I am of you. YOu've come a long way baby! Just wanted you to know how much I love you. See ya tomorrow! Love, Mom

like a weird thing happened today
Posted by mego on Fri Feb 15 01:35:39 2002 (#14056)

*me*, same here. i've been talking to this kid, kurt, whos in one of my classes. he usually wears hoodies, but today he had a t-shirt on and he had little x's on his hand and the word "MAN" cut into his arm. one of our friends said something about it, he just smiled this half-assed smile and nodded. then he took the stapler and stapled his arm right under the cuts, just to make a joke out of it, to make it seem like less of a big deal, i guess. everyone was freaking out and yelling at him except me, i could only sit there and stare. what could i do, tell him to stop?? hell no, that would be hypocritical. marlene kept yelling something like self-mutilation at him and she turned to me and said freak under her breath. i wanted to punch her but all i could do was stare at his arm and i looked up and he was watching me, still smiling. i nodded and he raised his eyebrows. i didn't say anything his smile turned to a grin, he shook his head and turned around. does he understand or was he just being a smartass like he always is?? i don't feel so alone anymore.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: like a weird thing happened today
Posted by zandra on Fri Feb 15 01:45:43 2002 (#14057)

i wish i had someone who did what i do that i knew. it would make me feel better in a way. we would know what each other was going through and i wouldn't have just my band friends. you guys are lucky as i see it. even if you don't think you are i do. well that's all. i gotta go <3 always zandra

ZANDRA
Posted by mego on Fri Feb 15 04:55:27 2002 (#14070)

hey, bro. kurt isn't the type of kid i'd talk about it with. and i have no clue what he's going through and he doesn't know anything about me. all i know about him is he got kicked outta a catholic school and goes to my school now and that he's a skater. but it does feel better, and i'm grateful for that. i never thought i'd find anyone else who did, and its amazing cause i'd never expect it from him. just be patient and keep waiting, you'll come across someone. i promise. :)

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: ZANDRA
Posted by zandra on Fri Feb 15 21:13:20 2002 (#14077)

thanks i hope no one in my school does what i do but if someone doesi hope i find them because it would be nice for someone to understand. even if i don't hafta talk to them. thanks for advice. <3 always zandra

he added
Posted by mego on Fri Feb 15 23:34:00 2002 (#14080)

now, instead of "MAN", kurts arm says manic. nice.

Re: he added
Posted by zandra on Mon Feb 18 04:25:50 2002 (#14120)

yea, and he shows everyone too huh?

Re: he added
Posted by mego on Wed Feb 20 06:13:05 2002 (#14257)

i dont know. its making me mad, though. at first i was like, whatever, hes not doing for attention, but now its stupid cause hes not trying to cover it up.

Re: he added
Posted by zandra on Wed Feb 20 18:49:32 2002 (#14263)

yea it i stupid maybe you should ask him about it. ask him why he shows the scars off. i would say tell him you do it but idk if that would be such a good idea. well i gotta go. <3 always zandra

Re: he added
Posted by mego on Thu Feb 21 04:28:51 2002 (#14292)

i'm not even gonna say anything. i dont know...

Re: he added
Posted by zandra on Thu Feb 21 17:46:53 2002 (#14303)

that might be a god idea too. he might tell of sumthin.

my boyfriend dumped me on VDay..but
Posted by diana on Fri Feb 15 02:52:48 2002 (#14063)

yeah so i get home n had a great talk w. my boyfriend but then told him i was going outside to play lacrosse. n well i hung up n all.. 2 minutes later he calls back n said we needa talk. n well yeah, all u guyus know what that means. i dumped me on fucking valentines day... because he said we don't see each other enuf(he lives 1 freakin town away). so then 10 minutes later i called him back crying my damn eyes out.. i really thought i was gonna cut but i didn't.. maybe tonight.. but neways we're back together. he messes w. my mind too much... well sorry for the meaningless post

Re: my boyfriend dumped me on VDay..but
Posted by zandra on Fri Feb 15 02:56:54 2002 (#14064)

that's kind of mean to do. does he know you cut? cause if he does that's even meaner. especially on valentines day. i don't have a bf but i still think it's wrong to mess with someone's head like that. if he knows you cut didn't he think you would over this. take care. <3 always zandra

Re: my boyfriend dumped me on VDay..but
Posted by mego on Fri Feb 15 04:58:43 2002 (#14071)

hey, don't get offended because i dont know you and i dont know the situation you're in, but it sounds like this guy is bad for you. congradulations on not cutting, for now at least. we'll see how you are later, but even if you do cut, nobody here will be angry, you know that. please stop and think of whats goin on with this guy. don't let him hurt you. :)

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

~~~~~~~~
Posted by ~~~~~~ on Fri Feb 15 03:17:30 2002 (#14065)

I HATE VALENTINES DAY WITH A PASSION.IT SUX ASS AND IT'S THE STUPIDEST HOLIDAY THERE IS. THERE IS NO POINT FOR IT BUT FOR THOSE STUPID MUSHY POEPLE TO MAKE OUT AND GO OUT AND FOR CARD COMPANIES TO MAKE TONS OF MONEY. I HATE IT. have a nice day.

Re: ~~~~~~~~
Posted by mego on Fri Feb 15 05:00:37 2002 (#14072)

RIGHT ON BRO!! YOU HAVE A NICE DAY TOO!!

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

alone
Posted by Oc on Fri Feb 15 03:34:08 2002 (#14067)

im kinda new at this, but i'll give it a go if it'll help. well i guess im like the rest of you guys being alone hateing life i want it too end and i see that injuring myself is the only way out. I've tried to tell my folks but i always end up deciding against it for fear of what they'll say and do. Yep i've gone through razors and seragted knifes down the arms, legs and body. but recently its gotten a hell of a lot worst and i know it, it resulted in me stabing a knife into my leg and still covering it up. so i have decided to try and find help. so i hope some1 here can help

thxs Oc

Re: alone
Posted by mego on Fri Feb 15 05:06:30 2002 (#14073)

wow. sounds like things are pretty bad. none of us here are doctors so we can't help fix things completely, but we will all talk and will be willing to help or give advise when we can. this website has helped me a lot, i've been coming here for a few months. some of the things on here are triggering, i'll admit, and i still cut, but now i don't feel so alone and i hope you won't either. good luck, you can always send me some mail if you need someone to talk to.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: alone
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Feb 16 17:16:40 2002 (#14088)

Hi, I'm a parent so I'll tell you how I felt when we discovered Tara was cutting. Of course, we were hurt. My first thought was what did I do wrong to make Tara want to hurt herself this way? I didn't understand it and I still don't but I try to understand that it has nothing to do with me personally. Tara was raped when she was 14 and that is how all of this came about. Even though I was hurt, I was also glad I knew cause that meant I could get some help for her. As most every one on this board knows, I will do anything I can to help Tara. I know that is not the case for a lot of the others and that hurts me a lot. I don't like to see parents ignore their kids. Do you think they would listen to you without yelling and screaming? If you have a half-way decent relationship with them, please consider telling them that you would like some help in dealing with this. It really helped me a lot to go to a couple of therapy sessions with Tara and get to know her therapist. Of course, he doesn't tell me what they talk about in private, but he knows my feelings and how much I want to help Tara. It also helped me understand her pain and how to deal with it. The more parents can understand their kids, the better off they would be. HOw old are you? Please feel free to email me if you have any questions or just want to talk. I would also be happy to talk to your parents if you think they would listen. Just let me know. In the meantime, keep you cuts clean and dry. If you put anti-bioitic ointment on them, that will help keep them from getting infected and help with lessing the scarring. Please take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: alone
Posted by Oc on Sun Feb 17 01:00:36 2002 (#14102)

thanks u dont know what a relief it is finding this site it has helped a lot but not completly but who knows if that can ever happen with me. Thanks rhonda for those kind words they helped alot .Well here goes im 17 nearly 18 and ive been cutting since i was 13 mainly due to school (bullying). i come from a fairly large family mom,dad,bro and 2sis's its not the fact im distent from my family its just im affraid of what theyed say i know they wont shout but its the not knowing which is the problem. so being raised on the theory of big boys dont cry i never show my emotions and act like everything is normal when inside its not.

woa when i write i sometimes get a little carried away soz about that Oc thanks for the words and advice

Re: alone
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Feb 17 16:42:57 2002 (#14110)

Hi, I'm glad I could help somewhat. Do your brother and sister's know? If so, maybe they could help you approach your parents or just one parent at a time. It would be so helpful to have the support of your family. That can make a huge difference in your dealing with this. I can't tell you to tell your family, but I still hope you consider doing it. I know it will be scary, but I honestly think if they really love you, they would want to help. As far as your siblings, Tara's younger sister supports her totally. No one can say anything bad about Tara cause Tasha will be ready to kick some butt. Have you thought about telling them to read things from the internet about cutting to help them understand? There are so many places they could gain knowledge about this subject. Please promise you will at least think about it. Personally, I think the "boys don't cry" thing is really dumb. Keeping stuff inside in you like that could hurt you physically. It's always better to get things out instead of keeping them in. that's just my opinion. I'll always be here if you want to email me or anything. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: alone
Posted by Erryn on Sun Feb 24 02:11:55 2002 (#14367)

I feel that I am alone. I'm 26 and a mother of two. I hane been cutting for eleven years, i have never told my family. I don't even go around them so they don't see my scars. I have had to go get stitches nine times in the last four years, I told my parents I fell. The only thing keeping me alive is my children. I hope someone can help or just want to talk. thanks Erryn

Death-poem
Posted by Silver Wolf-returns on Fri Feb 15 04:54:37 2002 (#14069)

liveing in oblivon liveing in hell loseing all hope no one to tell life is a joke a morbid sick game I shudder in fear am I insane? shattered dreams terrible lies loseing my faith soul slowly dies hide from myself stagger and fall burry more pain behind my wall pray for my death release from this life degreading existance I bring out the kinfe the pictures I carve the life that I bleed permanant scarea on missery I feed confusion sets in as the mind goes blank,I manage a smile and my blade I thank,my world grows darker as my body goes numb,I will be forgotten by many,possibly missed by some.my breathing slows down and I feel so damn old but the world Iam leaveing is so fucking cold, my heart is bearlr beating my blood is on the floor,I just kept on loseing,why bother keeping score.the pain is now gone,I'm no longer bound,could this be the peace I have finally found,as I take my last breath,I open my eyes,a tear drops to the floor,and I whisper,I am finaly free from the lies......

Re: Death-poem
Posted by mego on Fri Feb 15 05:08:59 2002 (#14074)

thats perfect. i saved it so i can look back on it. you're really talented.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: Death-poem
Posted by ~~~~~~ on Fri Feb 15 21:18:19 2002 (#14078)

that is soooo good. i feel everything you are saying in it. i feel like i can relate exactly. i try every night to do what that poem describes but it hasn't happened yet. maybe it will someday though. yur very talented. take care.

Re: Death-poem
Posted by Silver Wolf on Sat Feb 16 03:33:01 2002 (#14083)

thanks ...but I only write how I feel .... I hope this feeling changes soon .......

Re: Death-poem
Posted by A helping hand on Sat Feb 16 23:06:57 2002 (#14101)

Silver Wolf..........just thought you might enjoy a copy of your poem with corrected spelling errors. You are a very talented writer. Too bad you want to give up on life!

DEATH POEM Living in oblivion, living in hell, Losing all hope, no one to tell. Life is a joke, a morbid, sick game, I shudder in fear; am I insane? Shattered dreams, terrible lies, Losing my faith, my soul slowly dies, Hide from myself, stagger and fall, Bury more pain behind my wall, Pray for my death, release from this life, Degrading existence, I bring out the knife. The pictures I carve, the life that I bleed, Permanent scars on misery I feed. Confusion sets in as the mind goes blank, I manage a smile and my blade I thank. My world grows darker as my body goes numb, I will be forgotten by many, possible missed by some, My breathing slows down and I feel so old, But the world I am leaving is so very cold. My heart is barely beating, my blood is on the floor, I just kept on losing, why bother keeping score. The pain is now gone, I’m no longer bound, Could this be the peace I have finally found, As I take my last breath, I open my eyes, A tear drops to the floor and I whisper, I am finally free from the lies....

Re: Death-poem
Posted by Silver Wolf on Mon Feb 18 06:21:11 2002 (#14124)

ooo spank you help-e-helperton!!!!:p

Re: Death-poem
Posted by crystal on Wed Feb 20 04:33:45 2002 (#14252)

i like your poem. its so good to read so many people writing their hearts. xoxoxox, crystal

a year or five minutes away
Posted by mego on Fri Feb 15 05:18:53 2002 (#14075)

i remember when the sky fell down// and i remember when they didnt see me frown// i remember all the things i used to know// from so long before, just an hour ago.//the things i used to do to make it okay//the razor blade to make it through the day//the darkness that filled my room up with light//the thoughts that filled my head when i was alone at night//the wind that still gives the house a draft//to send chills through my body, a thing of the past//five minutes ago was a year or more//because nothing is the same as it was before//jumpiness and paranoia that do combine//to make every little dister one of mine//to make me believe i'm somewhere else//to make me think i might need some help//in a year or more five minutes away//i'll have reached another day//new thoughts a new begining to start again//a new name a new face a time to mend

Re: a year or five minutes away
Posted by ~~~~~~ on Fri Feb 15 21:20:28 2002 (#14079)

that was good mego. i liked it. keep writing. take care.

Re: a year or five minutes away
Posted by A listening ear on Sat Feb 16 00:45:40 2002 (#14081)

A very powerful and emotional poem... tears stung my eyes as I read it.

Re: a year or five minutes away
Posted by Silver Wolf on Sat Feb 16 04:04:57 2002 (#14085)

souns like a time that even I used to know...keep on writeing from your soul man it sounds good!!

Should I be here?
Posted by A listening ear on Sat Feb 16 01:13:25 2002 (#14082)

Hello to you all,

This is the first time I've visited this site...and the reason I'm here is that, my friend cuts himself, and although I do not personally do it, I want to deepen my understanding on the subject.

I know this condition is not something that is easily spoken about, and I respect all of you who use this message board. Reading what some of you guys have said, is very interesting and upsetting... And I've also checked out the photos and articles featured on this site.

I hope by me being here doesn't offend any of you...if it does, please do not hesitate to say.

Take good care of yourselves

~x~

Re: Should I be here?
Posted by Silver Wolf on Sat Feb 16 04:10:10 2002 (#14086)

I think everyone is welcome here...cutter's or not...and I think it is really cool of you to want to learn about what your friend is going thru!!! I think we all could use a friend like you!!:)wellcome to the board and I hope you will find something here that will help you out some...

Re: Should I be here?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Feb 16 17:27:19 2002 (#14089)

Hi, Welcome to this board. I don't cut either, but I come here because my daughter does. It's why I started coming also, to understand her reasons. It has envoled into me trying to help and encourage "my kids" and to let them know that I really do care about them and what happens to them. Some of the stuff they write is upsetting to me also, but I know that this is an outlet for them. This is one place that they can say whatever they feel like saying without being judged. If you have any questions, please feel free to email me. Also, the people here will help you answer any questions. They are honest and giving with anyone seeking an understanding of what they do. It's nice to find someone who doesn't treat them like freaks. Too many people in this society do that. They are just people who handle their pain in a different way than others do. It doesn't make them strange. Take care and I hope you find the answers to your questions here. Take care. LOve, RHonda

Re: Should I be here?
Posted by mego on Sat Feb 16 18:09:09 2002 (#14091)

hell yeah, bro. its awesome that you're here, trying to learn more about cutting. most people just ignore it or think of it as disgusting and crazy. i don't think that anyone would be offended that you're here. does your friend come to this site? if not, you could bring it up to him, it helps me a lot, it might help him. if you have any questions about cutting that this site doesn't answer, you can e-mail me and ask, or you could post them on the board, we'll answer them as well as we can.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

mego

Hiding-new poem
Posted by Silver Wolf on Sat Feb 16 03:44:03 2002 (#14084)

Obliterate my soul rip out my heart abandon me here couse I'm falling apart. Bullet to my brain Kinfe throught chest,My tourment is endless,I don't desreve rest. Cut the pretty Pictures,Blood Drips to the floor Dreams are slowly fadeing,Hope .... went out the door.Stuffing down the pain burried deep inside,Crawl back to darkness.... From the world I hide.

well this is not one of my better ones but its short and to the point ...

Re: Hiding-new poem
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Feb 16 17:28:49 2002 (#14090)

I liked it!!!! Take care. LOve, Rhonda

Re: Hiding-new poem
Posted by mego on Sat Feb 16 18:11:27 2002 (#14092)

its good. i like it.

Re: Hiding-new poem
Posted by A helping hand on Sat Feb 16 23:04:21 2002 (#14100)

Obliterate my soul, Rip out my heart, Abandon me here, 'cause I'm falling apart. Bullet to my brain, Knife through my chest,My torment is endless,I don't deserve rest. Cut the pretty pictures, Blood drips to the floor, Dreams are slowly fading, Hope .... went out the door.Stuffing down the pain buried deep inside,Crawl back into darkness.... From the world I hide.

I don't know if i can do this....
Posted by Poxy on Sat Feb 16 06:52:25 2002 (#14087)

I'm glad i found this page... I've been cutting for about 4 years now... I'm 17... I've been hospitalized 3 times... i've tried suicide god knows how many times... Today seems like it may be one of those times... I'm just not doing well... Flasbacks... mother being a sadist... And me, the little psyco girl... Someone please e-mail me... I want to stop this... I need help in how... Please... Love/Poxy

Re: I don't know if i can do this....
Posted by mego on Sat Feb 16 18:17:17 2002 (#14093)

check your mail

good time
Posted by mego on Sat Feb 16 18:24:23 2002 (#14094)

last night i hung out with nell and kristine and tim, three of my best friends. the three of us haven't hung out together in a while, i was afraid it would be weird, but it wasn't at all. we all got along, kristine was having a good time and being loud, which she usually isn't when she's parying. after her and nell passed out and i couldn't sleep, me and tim shared a cigarette and talked about tons of shit. just little shit, which probably wouldn't make sense to anyone who was straight, but we understood everything. we didn't disagree with anything, we didn't talk about anything bad. it was great, there was nothing in the world to bring me down. he sat in nells room with me and messed around with his guitar (quietly, which was nice)and talked to me until i fell asleep. this morning he was still sleeping when i left, but i want to call later and say thanks for being so cool with everything. like, i was being so stupid, i had to sit on my butt and go down the stairs like that, and i was cracking up and talking out of my ass and he just walked in front of me, backwards, and talked and laughed and it was great because he wasn't getting annoyed with me or sick of me. it seemed like he was enjoying himself. then nell and kristine were just so happy. they were smiling and joking and laughing the whole time. maybe it was just the vodka and weed that did it, but i'd like to think it was something else...

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: good time
Posted by A listening ear on Sat Feb 16 22:53:01 2002 (#14099)

Mego, it's obvious your friends care a great deal about you... I don't know if they know about you cutting? If they do, and thats the reason you havent spent much time together recently... it looks as though things are going to change. I'm sure it wasn't just the vodka and weed. Trustworthy and honest friends are for life... as long as you have both of those, your friendship with all three is sure to last a life time. Make sure you guys meet up again sometime, it sounds like you had a great laugh.

~x~

Re: good time
Posted by mego on Sun Feb 17 21:36:17 2002 (#14114)

no, they dont know about it. but its okay, just being with them helps.

Mego...
Posted by A listening ear on Sun Feb 17 21:46:29 2002 (#14116)

Keep them close by if it helps you :o) x

~x~

willing to help
Posted by Joe on Sat Feb 16 22:01:41 2002 (#14097)

I would like to extend an offer of prayer to anyone in need. Whether you are a Christian

or not, if you have any prayer needs then please let me know and I will pray with you as well as forward them to my prayer team.

Prayer is powerful and effective, and God has always been in the healing business and still wants to heal (free of charge), but it is important to come to Him for that healing. and we will be happy to pray for any needs you have, just let us know how we can help.

God truly loves you. He knows your name, He treasures you, and He NEVER stops thinking about you with the greatest and purest

love and affection. If you are not a Christian, God's fervent desire is to adopt you as His child. He would go to great lengths for the

joy of having you as part of His family, even to the point of letting His only true Son be executed in your place so that you can be

freed of all guilt and burdens. If you have any questions about God or spiritual matters then please send them to me and I will be

happy to try to answer them for you. I am more than willing to help you know for sure that you are going to heaven! or feel free to check out this link for more info: http://www.gospelcom.net/guida nce/gospel/gospel.shtml

I look forward to hearing from you, and may God abundantly bless you!

email is: Jesusisthewaytoheaven_2002@hot mail.com

Thank you...
Posted by A listening ear on Sat Feb 16 22:41:23 2002 (#14098)

Thank you to those who have welcomed me :o) It's nice to know you don't have a problem with me being here. Also, thank you for offering to help me with any questions I may have. My friend who cuts is the one who linked me to this site...although, he doesn't know I use this message board. He knows I check out other sites like this one, and doesn't have a problem with it. I unfortunately do not know him in 'real life', but has become a close friend through the internet, and I care for him a great deal. I know I don't know a great deal about all of this, but I hope to learn alittle more.

Any of you are welcome to mail me if you want to... like the name says, I'm a listening ear :o) Oh, and I'm also on AOL, so if any of you want to chat, your welcome to Instant Message me! I hope your all keeping well and enjoying your weekend, speak soon

~x~

****
Posted by none on Sun Feb 17 01:55:43 2002 (#14104)

It burns and I love it, this comforting pain. God why does everyone have to be such a bitch? I don't want it to hurt anymore and I can't stop this pain. I'm rocking and taking my pills but nothing is helping. I can't breathe, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I just can't. Trying to help all those falling around me and I can't trying to cope but nothing is helping. Stress is crushing me and I you so much. Why did you never love me? Why do you hit me? Why do you act surprised when you've found out that I've hurt myself again? I that you hurt yourself to get back at me. You think it'll give us a connection? It won't cause you do it to hurt me not yourself you do it so I'll be devoted to you not to cope. You use cutting as a toy not a tool. I thought you were my best friend. The one guy I could trust and now you are doing everything to hurt me. I can't breathe I can't breathe. I can't cry and I can't sleep. I'm trying to stop all this abuse and I can't and I just keep on falling and I know that no one will ever be there to catch me. Everyone's selfish and full of it. I'm trying to be good but I'm not sure what's good or bad anymore. The lines are all so blurry and the rules keep getting bent.

****
Posted by none on Sun Feb 17 02:11:39 2002 (#14105)

How I hated it when you touched me. I swallowed my decency and let you have your way. I felt so little as you went about your business. I refused to feel fear or disgust or hate or anything at all. I was an obedient little girl. I didn’t cry and I didn’t scream and I didn’t say stop cause I know that it would have just given you more of a reason to whip me into shape. I wanted someone to come rescue me and by my Superman but no one came cause this is the real world or maybe I’m just full of kryptonite. I’ll just pretend I’m not here that it doesn’t hurt that it isn’t really happening. It’s not happening…. I’m not here…. It doesn’t hurt….

new here...
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sun Feb 17 09:01:48 2002 (#14106)

hey obviously im new here...but im just so glad to have found somewhere i can talk to people who know what im going through! i dont know anyone else who understands so i end up talking to myself cause i cant talk to other people..i guess i kinda feel bad though cause i dont think i have that bad of a problem...i mean ive never needed stiches or anything and iknow so many people are worse off than i am...and im even embarrassed that my scars arent bigger, like im a wuss or something, which is stupid cause id never in my life let anyone see them or know about it, its like a competition with myself to see what i can do but im too scared to or something. i donno maybe im just crazy..well there i go with a superlong entrance that means nothing, but thanks for being here!

Re: new here...
Posted by kae on Sun Feb 17 11:12:41 2002 (#14107)

hi! its great you've come here looking for help. this is a good place to vent and get advice from people like yourself.

hope to see you more. how old are you, by the way?

luv, kae

Re: new here...
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Feb 17 16:31:04 2002 (#14109)

Hi, Welcome to the board. I think you will find a lot of help and comfort here. Everyone but 2 of us are cutters. I'm one of them, but my daughter cuts, so I kind-of know something about it. I hope you keep coming back. This really is a good place. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: new here...
Posted by A listening ear on Sun Feb 17 18:51:08 2002 (#14111)

Hey Crimson, welcome to the board... I've only just joined myself, although I can assure you everyone is lovely and always willing to offer advice when they can. I am not a cutter myself, but my friend is, which is why I have come here, to try to learn more about why it happens. Please, don't think your crazy, as I assure you, that isn't the case. Take good care, and I hope to see you again soon

~x~

Re: new here...
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sun Feb 17 20:23:42 2002 (#14113)

hi again! im 16 (kae was wondering). this is still very strange to me...people that actually might give a shit! imagine that. it just seems like people dont care about other people anymore, especially guys. all they ever do is judge you if you try to reach out for support. i had been more depressed than usual one week and i tried talking to my best girl friend and she just told me i was stupid and that it was nothing cause yesterday SHE realized shed gained 2 pounds and it pissed her off how all i did was complain when i had it so great (believe me i never complain, im there to please my friends not cause trouble), so then i went up to my best guy friends house in tears hoping id at least get a friendly hug, but i still cant believe it, he SHUT THE DOOR IN MY FACE!! that was it, id promised myself i was going to cut anymore and i hadnt in about 6 weeks, but that was it, my knife was my only friend left i had to turn to even though i knew id just have to cut everyday to feel better. i still want to stop but i dont see how im ever going to get there without someone to support me through it.

the parentals have forbidden me!!!
Posted by Jen on Sun Feb 17 15:55:08 2002 (#14108)

omg my parents have found out i come here and they told me they watch anything i say or do online i am screwed... what should i do e-mail me at Jewishgurl@adamgarcia.every1.n et

Re: the parentals have forbidden me!!!
Posted by A listening ear on Sun Feb 17 18:56:06 2002 (#14112)

Jen, the only thing I can suggest is that perhaps you try and talk to them. As hard as it may be, try to keep cool and calm, coz working yourself up into a state won't help at all. I hope all goes well, take care of you

~x~

Re: the parentals have forbidden me!!!
Posted by mego on Sun Feb 17 21:43:11 2002 (#14115)

i dont know bro. maybe if they see all of this and can learn what its like to cut and have problems, they will try to help you. or maybe they'll just be ignorant like most parents and get angry. i'm sorry, you can always write to me if you need to talk. they can't get into your e-mail, can they?? my screen name for aol is megox182x and for msn or hotmail mego11686@msn.com. good luck! and just be honest with them!

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: the parentals have forbidden me!!!
Posted by diana on Mon Feb 18 22:44:38 2002 (#14131)

if they already know that u go on here n if it makes u feel unhappy n weird that they read everything that you say, then you shouldn't change your name when u post a note or responce. don't put jen down... put another name so they won't know which one is you thats talking.

war camps
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Feb 18 01:34:49 2002 (#14117)

i just saw Hart's War, and it kinda freaked me out because its about a prisoner camp in the nazi war and at the end of it they show the big field in the middle of the camp with the guy standing in it and the effect was to get you to remember all the murders you saw on that field and all the terrible things that were over, and it just made me feel weird cause thats like exactly how i feel about my life. like a war inside of me so terrible you dont think its real, and its like youre looking at whats happening from somehwere else like youre not inside you, and when they showed the field at the end it reminded me of my room and my body cause everytime i walk into my room thats how i feel. like it looks so normal and bright and happy with its orange walls but theres a terrible secret hidden in those walls with all the secrets that take place in my room, and i started to think what the hell happened to me? you know? when did i stop being the charismatic outgoing smart girl and become this depressed freak who hates being around her friends shuts everyone in the world out whos close enough to already dead? if i was home alone right now i might be able to let some blood flow and feel better but im not...so im stuck in this endless black hole and i cant even see myself. ahhh. where did i get so lost.

Re: war camps
Posted by mego on Mon Feb 18 02:57:12 2002 (#14118)

yeah, bro. i know what youre saying. i feel like that a lot, and i have never known how to put it into words until now. you did a good job at discribing it. :)

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

I cant do this...
Posted by Erin on Mon Feb 18 04:09:01 2002 (#14119)

I cant quit...it seemed so easy at first. probably because I finally got it out to my parents and it didnt seem like such a big, dark, horrible secret anymore. but now it is again. nothing has changed at all. everything is just the same. god..I just feel like giving up. I dont care what happens to me anymore... just need to end the pain...

Re: I cant do this...
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Feb 18 04:29:01 2002 (#14121)

dont loose hope now!! itll be a really hard feat (you already know that though), but youre stronger than you think and youre going to get through this!! dont try to force yourself to quit, itll come slowly, and there will be numerous setbacks and relapses! just like with quitting smoking the cravings and relapses seem unbearable, but eventually you get through! and everyone here on the board is here to support you so never loose hope!! whenever youre feeling overwhelmed feel free to IM me (KoFFeyBeaN), im always ready to just talk. best of luck, love always.

Re: I cant do this...
Posted by A listening ear on Mon Feb 18 16:09:51 2002 (#14126)

Hey Erin, just want you to know, that although you may feel alone at times, you're not. Theres loads of people on here, who feel like you, so they come here to escape and talk to others in similiar positions. I'm not a cutter myself, but have a good pair of ears on me, so if ever you feel you need to get some things off your chest, feel free to IM me; MistyPink17. Stay strong, look after yourself

~x~

^#^#^#^#^
Posted by ~~~~~~ on Mon Feb 18 05:11:38 2002 (#14122)

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! i can't take it anymore. i hate my life.

Re: ^#^#^#^#^
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Feb 18 05:47:11 2002 (#14123)

i know im probably not the best person to be trying to comfort you now, but i know when i feel like that it helps so much to just let myself cry. it feels so good, just let every tear youve ever held in come out. of course it wont solve all your problems, but it helps a little. i hope someone can think of some more advice other than this, but itll get better dont worry!!! love always.

Re: ^#^#^#^#^
Posted by ~~~~~~ on Mon Feb 18 18:43:09 2002 (#14128)

thanks for your advice but i can't cry i have no more tears for life or anything/anyone. i like that you tried though. yea you will get better. i hope you do at least. thanks for the advice again. bye

I can't believe some people...
Posted by kae on Mon Feb 18 11:08:49 2002 (#14125)

My sister, (who's 15 and, like the rest of my family, doesn't know about my SI) was just telling me about this girl in her group of friends. This girl is the same age as her and has a habit of 'slitting' her wrists. My sister was telling me how this girl was bouncing around today, in a totally hyper mood, singing (in front of everyone) "My pills will start to work in 8 days!!" Apparently, she has been put on anti-depressants...and was happily telling everyone and anyone. Not only that, my sister described to me the 'cuts' on this girl's arms and wrists...nothing more than minor scratches that looked just like cat scratches. She'd made crosses in some places and little scratches on her wrists. Okay, well, fair enough. Every cutter I know started with scratching. But we all kept our newly discovered habit hidden, kept it a closely guarded secret. This girl does not. My sister told me about how she sits with her friends, her jersy off, and her arms positioned so that EVERYBODY can get a clear view of her scratches. AND, not only that, from time to time she turns her wrists over, while she knows people are looking. Of course, this makes the most innocent members of the group say "oh (her name)! what have you done, ohhh wah wah wah..." The girl loves this. She loves the attention. She is making sure that absolutely everybody knows about her stupid non-existant problem. I'm really annoyed. She is attention-seeking. She is making a drama out of something that is NOT serious. My sister and a few other girls don't believe the pills story either. The worst part is, people are wasting their time worrying about it. They think that the scratches are 'slitting'. They are not!! Slitting is a fine art! Slitting one's wrists means cutting deep, deep into the flesh until the necessary veins are ruptured and that person's life is in danger. NOT SCRATCHING WITH A FUCKING TOOTHPICK!!

This girl is quite well-known for making dramas out of little things. I'm just so mad...I want to shove my arms in her face and show her what a real self-injurer looks like. Someone who DOESNT prance around making sure everyone sees.

Aarrghh. Stupid little girl. I wish she'd get a clue and stop pretending, thats all.

kae

Re: I can't believe some people...
Posted by A listening ear on Mon Feb 18 16:20:34 2002 (#14127)

Kae, don't let this little girl bother you, shes not your problem, so leave her to carry on attention seeking. I understand this sort of behaviour would piss you off, but try not to let it get to you. If shes well known for this sort of thing, then I'm sure she'll soon get bored with it, and find something else to 'show off' about. I'm sure her group of friends, including your younger sister will get bored of hearing her bullshit and eventually leave her to it... then she'll be left with no one to boast to. Take care of you

~x~

Re: I can't believe some people...
Posted by Rabbit on Mon Feb 18 21:42:39 2002 (#14130)

Yeah, it is annoying, but she obviously really does have problems or she wouldn't act like that. Maybe she's Borderline or Hystrionic with all the attention-seeking stuff. She does still need help, just not the same kind that you may or may not need. And, then again, when people get bored with this stage she'll have to either come up with somthing new or make it worse, so she may end up a "real" cutter after all. (hope not) -love-

Re: sarah
Posted by emma on Tue Feb 19 00:04:45 2002 (#14136)

dear sarah what do you do when you dont know why its messing my head up.from first timer emma

Re: I can't believe some people...
Posted by mego on Tue Feb 19 03:55:02 2002 (#14152)

right on bro!

hi
Posted by scaredinthedark on Mon Feb 18 19:09:31 2002 (#14129)

hey. i was bored so i thought i'd just come and bitch on here. i hope it's ok. my brother had his friend come over and sleep over last night. he's still here but oh well. anyways he and my brother are a year younger than me and his friend started to hit on me. i was like wait you have a gf and yur hitting on me. he was just like so she's not really my gf we just hang out a lot by ourselves. i looked at him and was like whatever. then i was on here last night and i have a group on my buddy list that says secrets don't get out. it;s a group for the people on here who say for me to im them if i want to talk. he asked what secrets don't get out means and i said exactly that. it's a secret that you won't know so it won't get out. he was like that's so hilarious. anyways.... i'm on the other board too but i like this one. people care there too but i think they care more here. oh well i'm done bitching. i'll leave now. bye.

Re: hi
Posted by mego on Tue Feb 19 04:24:56 2002 (#14153)

just one of those days...

bored
Posted by ~~~~~~ on Tue Feb 19 00:05:39 2002 (#14137)

hey everyone i'm bored. i just thought i'd say hi to EVERYONE and say i hope everyone is having a good day. i'm feeling good today so i just thought i'd pass on the good feelings. well gotta go but i'll ttyl8a. bye

Re: bored
Posted by mego on Tue Feb 19 04:25:49 2002 (#14154)

thanks bro.

first timer confused
Posted by emma on Tue Feb 19 00:12:45 2002 (#14138)

could somebody please tell me im not mad ,i feel like a freak

Re: first timer confused
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Feb 19 00:18:23 2002 (#14139)

yur not mad and yur not a freak. why do you feel that way??

Re: first timer confused
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Feb 19 01:52:30 2002 (#14143)

youre no more a freak than any other person in the world! what made you think you were?

Re: first timer confused
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Feb 19 02:30:11 2002 (#14148)

You're not a freak Emma. This is a really good place to come and I hope you come back often. You're very welcome here. Take care. Love, Rhonda

I need someone to understand
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Feb 19 15:31:35 2002 (#14167)

Hi. I've never been on this site before. My names Eleanor. I don't know why i'm doing this, it's just, well i need to know that i'm not on my own. I'm scared. I'm losing my friends because they don't understand. I feel like a freak. I'm sorry, I'll go now

Re: I need someone to understand
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Feb 20 01:07:40 2002 (#14220)

Hi Eleanor, Welcome. Believe me, you are not alone. There are so many here who understand what you're going through. I just try to help with advice, if it's wanted. This is really a good place to come so I hope you come back often. Take care and email me if you ever want to talk. Love, Rhonda

Re: I need someone to understand
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Feb 20 01:17:16 2002 (#14224)

Thank you so much. It's been such a help to me being able to talk to people who understand and care - I don't get that at home. I'm definitly going to come back. Love Eleanor

cant go on
Posted by donna on Tue Feb 19 01:30:14 2002 (#14142)

i haven't been in this site before but im glad i found it! ive been cutting my wrists for almost three years now and the more i do it the worse it gets. I really do hate this life-i try my best to be happy and get on with things like everyone tells me to but they don't understand what im goin through!! my parents are ashamed of me and refuse to discuss the topic with me.I really cant go on any more....i cry all the time, cut all the time,as time goes on i take more and more time off school. Everyone thinks im a weirdo and i cant handle it.I do wish i was dead...the only thing keeping me from going that little bit deeper is the thought of my parents state of mind after my death!!!i really dont know wot to do...

Re: cant go on
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Feb 19 01:57:11 2002 (#14144)

hey there donna! im new to this site as well, and its already been incredibly rewarding! im so glad you found this site, the people here are so incredibly helpful. IM me (KoFFeyBeaN) if you ever just need to talk.

Re: cant go on
Posted by zandra on Tue Feb 19 02:05:20 2002 (#14147)

welcome to the site to both of you. i hope you both get the help you need here. we are helpful aren't we. bye. im me if you need to talk either of you. (sassycggurl)

Re: cant go on
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Feb 19 02:02:47 2002 (#14146)

why won't your parents talk to you about it. sometimes that helps a person just by talking about it. i'm sorry you want to die. i'm such a hipocrit though because i want to die too. i hate life but i like to help people. today i'm ok but idk about tomorrow. you're not a weirdo you are just a disturbed child who needs help gettin through life. don't take that the wrong way ok. it was meant to be nice. well i gotta go. bye

Re: cant go on
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Feb 19 02:37:07 2002 (#14149)

Hi Donna, Welcome to the board. I'm sorry you're parents won't listen to you. Maybe the reason they won't talk about it is that it upsets them too much. They probably don't really understand how to deal with this from their own child. How old are you? If your parents just refuse to help in any way, is there another adult who you could trust to talk too? And I'm also glad you're thinking about your parents state of mind if you went through with this. I don't know how I would have survived if my daughter had killed herself. I'm sure I would have survived, but I wonder how my mental state would have been. Anyway, if you ever want to talk, just email me. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: cant go on
Posted by mego on Tue Feb 19 04:32:56 2002 (#14155)

i don't know what to say to help you. if i did, i wouldn't be here, now would i? but you should stay on this board. people here really help a lot. send me an im on AIM (megox182x) or on msn or hotmal (mego11686@msn.com) or send me mail (mego11686@msn.com) if you ever need to talk! i hope everything works out.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

blah blah blah
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Feb 19 02:40:31 2002 (#14150)

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahty blah blah. can you tell i'm bored. hi. sorry if this pisses you off. i wanted to post something but i didn't know what. and my mood worsened. love to all. scaredinthedark

Re: blah blah blah
Posted by mego on Tue Feb 19 04:33:51 2002 (#14156)

i feel ya man

bored and empty...
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Feb 19 02:52:44 2002 (#14151)

hey all. im bored outa my mind. i should probably do my homework but i feel so empty and unreal...i just got back from therapy...hes still trying to convince my parents to put me on meds. i went through today in a daze. i just found out my best friends mom found out about me and im not allowed to see her anymore cause im a bad influence...which is odd cause i was the one who got her daughter to stop cutting and not kill herself.whatever. everything just seems so incredibly unreal. i think my therapist thinks im crazy now. i just sat there laughing the entire time cause everything just seemed so pointless and fake it was funny...anyways. maybe i will do my homework...bubye

Re: bored and empty...
Posted by mego on Tue Feb 19 04:36:58 2002 (#14157)

i'm really sorry about your friend. maybe her mom will come around, just needs some time. i hope everything is okay. write me or something if you need to talk.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: bored and empty...
Posted by A listening ear on Tue Feb 19 19:38:16 2002 (#14191)

Hey hun, it was good cahtting to you the other night :o) You heard anymore about your mate since posting this message? I don't know how we're gonna chat again, coz now I'm back at college and you at school! I'm not sure what the time difference is between America and England?! When you went out the other night, it was like 11pm here!! Get back to me :o) Take care

~x~

Re: bored and empty...
Posted by Crimson Fire on Thu Feb 21 05:10:49 2002 (#14293)

hey! no i havent heard from my friend yet... :*( but we'll figure something out i hope!! yeah the time difference is gonna be a problem!! email me (bekala@san.rr.com)!!

as the petals fall
Posted by mego on Tue Feb 19 04:55:53 2002 (#14158)

this blood, the deepest red as it slowly drips//over my beautiful razor to stain my fingertips//almost the color of my rose that is now almost dead//as the petals fall something breaks in my head//i'm standing here trying so hard to get warm//vulnerability has caused me some of this harm//you look at me and dont notice my desperate eyes//that are begging for you to somehow realize//that i am not going crazy but i'm not sane right now//i'm just calming down the only way i know how//i need to be held and told i'm okay//you didn't do it for me yesterday, you wont do it today//so silently a tear rolls down my face//and i beed and cry alone in this cold dark place

Re: as the petals fall
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Feb 19 05:05:39 2002 (#14159)

omg mego that was so awesome!! i almost started crying cause that is so true and so exactly how i feel too!

Re: as the petals fall
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Feb 19 17:07:18 2002 (#14177)

hey man that was great. i liked it a lot. keep writing and posting. they are great. love to all. scaredinthedark.

Re: as the petals fall
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Feb 19 22:36:51 2002 (#14207)

Hey. I'm new to this site and I've been reading through some of the messages. I hope you don't mind, but I just wanted to say that that was beautiful. It totally describes how I'm feeling right now. You're really talented. x x

pretty poem
Posted by crystal on Wed Feb 20 04:31:29 2002 (#14251)

pretty poem mego. very sad. i love reading your poetry. love, crystal

Hey mego??
Posted by Silver Wolf on Tue Feb 19 07:15:18 2002 (#14160)

This is a work in progrss so let me know what you think!!!.......

Tonight is a restless night,and it seems as tho sadness has found its place inside these cold walls,which now surround me like a presion cell,only with no bars to look thru,and no one here can feel this chokeing pain,no one here can feel this lonelness,no one here seems to care,but then that stays the same year after year.why then do I stay? what would happen if I were to die?would it really make a difrence?would anyone really know I'm gone? I'm screameing.....can't you hear me ??why are you not helping me ?can't you see this blood?? OO MY GOD what have I done.....hello ..someone help me...I would go on screameing but it seems as tho no one is listening...my crys and my pleas,my need for help and comfort seems to fall on def ears,almost like rain on a ducks back-rolls off,never being hurd...maybe you will understand...maybe you will shun me like the rest of those people....oooo wait I hear someone.....PLEASE HELP ME... LET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!! bound by my own darkness....I can't trust you...hidden angles and secret ajendus...I see what you wont say ...I look at my armes and see I see the scares,I am sure that if I look again I will see my blade,and then my blood..like a movie playing in slow motion over and over inside my head,I see the cuts I see the blood ....and then re-live the pain...I think I might expload....ooo so you came to give me more drugs huh....well I'll fight them and I'll fight you...goddamn it ..you fucking basterd that hurt.........I think I might be ready for sleep now ..I wish the guy in the other room would shut up....

Re: Hey mego??
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Feb 19 17:12:29 2002 (#14178)

that was a very deep poem. i really don't know what to say. it left me speechless. i'm sure if i had tears left for life i might've even cried. that was beautiful. take care. love to all. scaredinthedark

Re: Hey mego??
Posted by A listening ear on Tue Feb 19 20:02:30 2002 (#14192)

Wow... what can I say?! It's amazing how deep you guys think and write. I think it's great you can write this sort of stuff down, but coming from a non-cutter... it really hurts to read. Please, look after yourself

~x~

Re: Hey mego??
Posted by mego on Wed Feb 20 03:35:23 2002 (#14240)

hey, bro. i just started talking to you but you're awesome and i really care a lot. when i talk to a lot of the other people from psyke, its weird. but when i talked to you it was like i've known you for a while, i am totally comfortable, and its awesome talking to you cause i'm never comfortable at first, talking to people. you won't ever be alone cause you can ALWAYS talk to me about ANYTHING. i promise i won't get mad, i'll only try to make things better. but that was really good, what you wrote. it described things perfectly. i hope you'll talk to me when you need to. please try and be happy, i know its hard but i care about you.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

scared
Posted by me on Tue Feb 19 13:07:11 2002 (#14163)

just started cutting myself after christmas and am scared and alone. no one knows apart from me and whoever reads this. i guess i just want you all to no that im really gratefull that you all write your messages. i was shocked when i came on to this site because i realised that im not the only one who self harms as i had first thought. i have absolutely no idea why i do this to myself (cutting) and maybe someday i will pluck up the courage and confide in a friend or family member. but at the moment im too scared that no one will understand me. my dad has always told me this quote: " life is mostly froth and bubble. two things stand in stone. kindness in anothers trouble, courage in your own." maybe someday my parents will be able to practise what they preach. oh yeah and while im here babbling on 2 u all i may aswel share with you my favourite quote: "when one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us" thankyou again, at the moment your messages are my alternative to a shoulder. i wont say "shoulder to cry on" because that would be false, at the moment i cut instead of cry. maybe someday ill find out why.

Re: scared
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Feb 19 15:46:10 2002 (#14169)

I'm scared too. I feel so alone and this site is the only place I've found where people really seem to understand. I confided in my friends and ended up losing them, all apart from one. My parents think I'm a freak, they seem to spend their whole lives helping everyone else but when it's their own daughter they don't want to know. Sorry to babble on, I'ts just I've got so much I need to let out.

Re: scared
Posted by emma on Tue Feb 19 15:54:31 2002 (#14170)

i told my boyfriend but he dont understand he checks me all the time and phones advice lines about me.all i can think about is thinking a way of cutting deeper without the pain holding me back.

Re: scared
Posted by mego on Wed Feb 20 04:01:27 2002 (#14242)

i know, bro. it sucks. megox182x is my screen name for AIM and mego11686@msn.com is for hotmail or msn and my e-mail address. write me if you need to talk.

scared
Posted by me on Tue Feb 19 13:50:15 2002 (#14164)

wow! ive just been reading some peoples messages and peoples responses to those messages. is this an american site?? ive noticed that some fo the spellings are different and you write out the date the opposite way that i do. can i just say that "taras mom" your messages of support to newcomers to this site is great! i really admire you for that

I need someone to understand
Posted by Eleanor Holmes on Tue Feb 19 15:36:48 2002 (#14168)

Hi. I've never been on this site before. My names Eleanor. I don't know why I'm doing this, it's just, well I need to know I'm not on my own. I'm scared. I'm losing all my friends because they don't understand why I hurt myself. I feel like a freak. I'm sorry, I'll go now

Re: I need someone to understand
Posted by scared on Tue Feb 19 16:09:39 2002 (#14171)

i understand. its my first time on this site today and im feeling better, i havent cut myself so far today and that is a personal achievement. i havent told my parents or anyone for that matter whats goin on so i really do feel alone. but coming on here has calmed me down. i hope you are ok.

Re: I need someone to understand
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Feb 19 18:38:47 2002 (#14185)

im so glad you made it here!! dont worry youre not a freak, and you will get better!! we all love you here!

Re: I need someone to understand
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Feb 19 19:19:49 2002 (#14189)

I'm glad I made it here too. I thought I was on my own, it's such a good feeling to know I'm not!

Re: I need someone to understand
Posted by A listening ear on Tue Feb 19 20:11:32 2002 (#14195)

Hey Eleanor, listen hun, no matter what you may think or be feeling at the moment, I can tell you now, you are not a freak. I'm here if you wanna chat :o) Take care

~x~

Re: I need someone to understand
Posted by zandra on Tue Feb 19 20:16:34 2002 (#14197)

i agree with you. listen to her eleanor. <3 always zandra

Re: I need someone to understand
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Feb 19 20:19:28 2002 (#14198)

Thank you. I'm so glad I found this site! I just feel so alone. My family hates me and my friends think I'm weird, I don't know what to do anymore.

Re: I need someone to understand
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Feb 20 01:29:23 2002 (#14229)

Hey Eleanor, I posted to you above but wanted to post here also. You said you don't know what to do anymore, you just keeping putting one foot in front of the other and fighting your way through life. It's a hard battle to deal with for non-cutters like me, so I can't even imagne how hard it is for you to just keep going. I do know the last 4 years have been really hard for Tara, but she has survived. She also had the support of her family and a handful of friends. There are so many here who will help you so I hope you come back. If you ever want to talk, just send me an email. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: I need someone to understand
Posted by mego on Wed Feb 20 04:10:28 2002 (#14244)

were here for you bro.

me
Posted by scared on Tue Feb 19 16:14:54 2002 (#14172)

i want to cut myself now im panicky so sorry if im boring anyone to death here but i need to keep occupyed. theres a big lump in my throat i think im going to cry. no this is silly got to be strong, cant cut myself not now ive gone all day without doing it. i went to school as normal. and tomorrow im going to a football game (english football) so that wil keep me occupyed. but today....now....ok im gonna go you must all be getting freaked out now but im soooo scared i think im going crazy....its killing me keeping this to myself instead of confiding in at least one person that i no. WHY ME?

Re: me
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Feb 19 16:22:25 2002 (#14173)

I ask myself that all the time, why me? Is there no one you can trust? Telling my parents did me no good but it might help you. I'm English too, which football game? I'm on half term now. Sorry if I'm boring you to death but reading my crap might help keep your mind off things. I can't stop myself cutting most of the time. My arms are a real mess. Do you have any friends you could talk to? I know now who my real friends are (is, there's only one) Keep going, you're doing really well for not cutting today, I don't think I could do it

Re: me
Posted by me on Tue Feb 19 16:39:55 2002 (#14174)

oh rite im off to liverpool v galatasary itll be my first time to anfield so im looking forward to it. no dont stop chatting you are successfully keeping me occupyed. can i ask how old you are? you dont av 2 say. im 16 its my birthday nxt wk tho which is why im going to the match 2moro. im really scared and alone im not sure if anyone will understand. my folks wont but maybe im saying that coz im not redy to tell them. who knows

Re: me
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Feb 19 16:55:15 2002 (#14175)

I'm 17. You say that you're not sure if anyone will understand, well in my experience they won't understand. Most people don't want to understand things like this, but there are a few people who really do care and they will take time to try and understand. You may be lucky and have lots of good friends who'll want to help. I found out the hard way that I didn't have as many real friends as I thought. My parents just freaked out

Re: me
Posted by scared AKA donna on Tue Feb 19 18:59:24 2002 (#14187)

i dont have as many friends as i used to. they all left me finkin i wor a miserable cow because i hardly ever smiled. im not bothered though i can get by without them. im not ashamed of who i am im just ashamed of what i do. if that makes any sense. neway its nice to no that ther is sum1 my age out there that self harms! it makes me feel betta

Re: me
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Feb 19 19:17:20 2002 (#14188)

that makes loads of sense! it's exactly how I feel. People are always telling me to cheer up and stop making other people miserable but it's not that easy. I do put on a happy face now but it's all just show. I'm glad I've spoken to you today, it's made me feel better.

Re: me
Posted by donna on Tue Feb 19 20:07:25 2002 (#14193)

its made me feel better too. thankyou.its such a relief to know that i can jut come on this site and talk to people the same as me when im down. youve helped me a lot today, ive still not cut. cheers. you know sommet....this is sad but you takin the time to chat to me today is more than any of my friends would do (so called)

Re: me
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Feb 19 20:13:21 2002 (#14196)

I know that feeling! I've not spoken to any of my friends since the holiday began. I'm going mad on my own. my families gone and left me for the week so I'm home alone and I feel really isolated. It's not much better when they're here but at least there are people in the house. Anyway, you're welcome. I like talking so any time you need to you know how yo get in touch with me!

Re: me
Posted by matt on Tue Feb 26 18:39:28 2002 (#14461)

Hey, i havent been on this board very much but it has helped me out, i just turned 15 and ive been cutting since, maybe december. If anyone wants to talk to me, i like trying to help people out, my sn is MattCarmenX2 and my e-mail is vikingwizardeyes251@hotmail.co m

Re: me
Posted by mego on Wed Feb 20 04:28:46 2002 (#14249)

i dont know. just try to calm down. if you have AIM im me at megox182x or if you have msn or hotmail mego11686@msn.com. thats my e-mail too if you ever need to talk. good luck

AH!!!!!
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Feb 19 18:44:23 2002 (#14186)

ok, this is probably just me overreacting, but im SOOOO SCREWED!!! i got to school reallly early and there was no one else in the parking lot and i had such a bad morning i dont even know why...so anyways i pull out my razor...and then it seems just like 2 minutes later my friend stacy comes and taps on my window and i was so engrossed in what i was doing that i didnt even notice till she tapped on my window again!! i have no idea if she saw or not, i mean how could you possibly not, but she didnt say anything (then again what exactly are you supposed to say if you go to talk to your friend and see blood dripping in puddles off of their arm??), but im so scared!! what am i supposed to do?? i dont want to ask her if she saw anything...out of the ordinary, cause what if im imagining all this and she didnt see and ill just make it worse! I DONT WANT HER TO KNOW THOUGH, AND I DONT WANT HER TO TELL ANYONE!!! what should i do??? PLease, if youre reading this email me (bekala@san.rr.com) and give me some advice...

Re: AH!!!!!
Posted by mego on Wed Feb 20 04:53:20 2002 (#14253)

i already talked to you and everythings cool. i luv ya gurl!! jk. but i do luv ya!

Re: AH!!!!!
Posted by Crimson Fire on Thu Feb 21 05:12:54 2002 (#14294)

yes we did talk and thanks so much chica!! youre a lifesaver!! much love!

im no longer alone
Posted by emma on Tue Feb 19 19:26:17 2002 (#14190)

im no longer alone this sight has been great i feel alot better talking about it with real self harmers if i wasent on this sight id be cutting myself thankyou all

Re: im no longer alone
Posted by donna on Tue Feb 19 20:09:47 2002 (#14194)

thankyou to you too its my first time on ths site today n ive managed to last al day without cutting.

Re: im no longer alone
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Feb 19 20:37:21 2002 (#14199)

yur welcome. i'm glad you feel better talking to someone instead of cutting. good luck. love to all. scaredinthedark

Re: im no longer alone
Posted by Sarah on Thu Feb 21 21:59:10 2002 (#14332)

Emma, We're really glad that you are here. I'm glad that you haven't been cutting yourself, that takes a lot of strength! I wrote you a little higher up on the posts about some common reasons that people cut, and I have to apologize. Sometimes people have big huge abuse issues that bring them to slicing themselves up, but you don't have to have something that obvious. Usually there is something bothering you, but I don't want to minimize what you're going through if you can't put your finger on it right now. You have as much right to be here as anyone. Please keep coming back, Love, Sarah

Re: im no longer alone
Posted by emma on Sat Feb 23 01:26:23 2002 (#14350)

i have to admit yesterday i cut not as deep but i feel so bad i think my childhood is to blame my mum used to tell me i was stupid maybe she was right all along i just want her to notice the cuts and shout at me that sounds so stupid lots of love em

Re: im no longer alone
Posted by Sarah on Tue Feb 26 03:09:17 2002 (#14438)

Emma, You're not stupid at all, and no one has a right to call you that, especially not your mom. That is a horrible thing for her to say. I'm really sorry that you had to hear that from someone that you love and who is supposed to be supporting you. I know that a lot of times I have cut so that people would notice and would pay attention to how much pain I was in. Have you ever thought about going to your mom and telling her that you have been having a really hard time. Maybe it would help to tell her and to talk about it with her. I can tell you that we care for you and don't want you to cut anymore. I know you must be in a terrible amount of pain right now, and I am really sorry. You are important in this world no matter what you think right now, and someday this will all get better. I will be praying for you, Sarah

Re: im no longer alone
Posted by emma on Sat Mar 2 22:33:33 2002 (#14628)

sarah i feel so happy that when i get your mesages i feel like you know me so well you are one in a million and i bet your allways thinking of others even when you are hurting so much aswell could i ask how old you are im 23 lots of love emma

im panicky HELP!!!
Posted by donna on Tue Feb 19 21:14:43 2002 (#14200)

if theres anyone on this site rite now pls help me.. please i know im new to this site and ive only been here one day but so far today because of this site i havent cut myself but im really panicky. the craft knife is only in the other room im scared im soo scared. please. even if its a long borin story.....anythin just talk to me please

Re: im panicky HELP!!!
Posted by Erin on Tue Feb 19 21:18:41 2002 (#14201)

I'm here if you need someone to talk to..my screen name is Metallicagrl869... feel free to IM me

Re: im panicky HELP!!!
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Feb 19 21:25:45 2002 (#14202)

Hey, are you ok? Don't get panicky, you've managed this long without cutting haven't you? Anyway, I'm still here if you want to talk. I'm not much good at making conversation but I can answer questions so ask me anything you like

sorry bout that
Posted by donnna on Tue Feb 19 21:54:58 2002 (#14203)

im ok now panic over just got a bit strange you no but thanks for the response wasnt expecting one i just thort id type coz it keeps me busy.....as i sed sorry im aving a bad day im sorry.

Re: sorry bout that
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Feb 19 21:58:06 2002 (#14204)

You don't have to be sorry, I'm having a shitty day too. just make sure you do keep busy ok? take care

Re: sorry bout that
Posted by donna on Tue Feb 19 22:08:25 2002 (#14205)

thankyou i will im just gunna stay on line for a while i think. ive got some a level course work that i should eb geting on with but i dont think i can manage that tonight. ah well despite me few moments today i do feel a lil better for discovering this site even though at this moment in time it is my only lifeline. you know i am gunna have to do something about this socialising malarky. me start to actually have a normal conversation with my frends and not shout at em.....NEVER!!!

Re: sorry bout that
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Feb 19 22:19:17 2002 (#14206)

I should be doing my A level English Lang coursework now, but I'm really not in the mood. Hmmmmmmm, sounds like we're both pretty much in the same boat

thanx guys
Posted by Donna on Tue Feb 19 23:05:15 2002 (#14208)

i really appreciated coming into this site today to see all the encouraging comments!! i thank you all for takin the time!! well, im down with flu at the moment and im havin another bad day! i havent cut though-coming on here keeps me busy! its great that there are people out there like you who do take the time-i like to help people in trouble too-thats why i think people get shocked if they find out i cut my wrists-they see me as someone who is completely in control of my life and who helps everyone around me!!when they find out bout my wrists they get totally freaked out-that annoys me. i just wish that inside i could be the person that every1 sees on the outside!!! your comments are keeping me going and many others also!! i hope everything works out 4 you all and whatever problems you have get sorted out!! although i may seem like im in no state to be helping any of you but i can help you all if you ever need it!! thanx guys luv donna

Re: thanx guys
Posted by zandra on Tue Feb 19 23:11:18 2002 (#14209)

i hope you feel better. the flu sux. i had it a coupla weeks ago. i absolutely hated it and wanted to get outa my house and go to school or sumthin. i went to school but my parents called me selfish. anyways..... my life is kinda like that. people think i'm in charge and i'm responsible and in control and when they see my arm and wrist they freak out like omg how can you do that. well when they see it i actually used to think they'd say omg all the pressure on yur shoulders made you do that. one person said that to me. well i hope you get better and feel better. ttyl8a. <3 always, zandra

help I need your prayers...obscene phone calls..
Posted by Dawn on Tue Feb 19 23:32:33 2002 (#14210)

I came home from church Sunday night to 2 obscene phone calls saying if I don't like hearing words like f___ing whore, tramp, slut, and on and on then I shouldn't be listening to "this message".

I know that only Jesus heard the words vibrate through my memory from voice to voice of all who have called me those names....but a part of me thought "how'd 'he' know I had been called those names throughout my life?

A voice inside me tells me to cut them away like a surgeon cuts away cancers. But no surgeon can do what needs to be done. My blood cannot atone, heal, or errase the damage those words have done to my soul. But the Blood of Jesus Christ can do the impossible. So pray for a cleansing and healing of my mind, soul, and spirit so that I can get beyond this new assault and find a refreshing for my spirit and strength for the journey. Thank you in advance for this thing I ask, knowing that many of you are not believers. But I want you to know your willingness will be counted in your favor with God, because in His Word God says that love covers a multitude of sins. But do not forget works are only works and we cannot work our way into heaven, but as we pray for each over we are exercising our mustard seed of faith and planting it in the soil of the Holy Spirit where it can grow strong.....love Dawn

Re: help I need your prayers...obscene phone calls
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Feb 20 01:16:00 2002 (#14223)

My dear friend, YOu are always in my prayers every night. Hopefully when you get that security thing on your phone, the stupid calls will stop. I hope you're feeling better soon. I'm gonna send you some postcards I've been collecting within the next week or so. Take care honey. I miss seeing you post here all the time, but I understand why you don't right now. Email me when you feel better. Love you always, Rhonda

Re: help I need your prayers...obscene phone calls
Posted by Sarah on Thu Feb 21 21:51:31 2002 (#14331)

I will definitely be praying for you. 1 John 5:5 "Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God." The victory is won, my friend. Rest in Him. Sarah

ranting and raving
Posted by *me* on Tue Feb 19 23:42:58 2002 (#14211)

Just a little vent here...

Today at lunch my friend was going on about how she was having an "identity crisis" and how she was so "depressed." My group of friends is really great, but sort of big (almost 15 ppl) and we're starting to drift apart and become super-tight with certain people in our big group (nice time to do this, right - we're almost seniors). There's been a lot of tifts this year and this one friend is really bitter towards the people who "used to be our friends." But anyway, today at lunch she was all about how she's going through this identity crisis because our group is splitting off, and how she's so depressed about it. And I was like, "No, you're not really DEPRESSED, you're just really sad and a little angry about it." But she was stuck on the word "depressed." It's all she would use. And she was all, "No, I'm really depressed, I even cried about it the other day!" F*ck that! It pisses me off so much when people throw around terms like depressed and stuff when they don't even know. This girl could not begin to even fathom what true depression is. She thinks that because she's upset about our group shrinking, she's DEPRESSED?? That's crap! She would have no idea what it would be like to live in my shoes for a DAY, to hate yourself and your life and to worry constantly about everything and to fight urges at school to cut and to want to die and to really CRY, and have moments when you just cry for no damn reason at all and you have to excuse yourself so people don't start wondering about you and to have to wear long sleeves and to not be able to go swimming because your thighs are covered in scars and in cuts and to just want to bleed out everything in hopes of taking the pain away for even a minute and to go to bed at night sad and to wake up the next morning sad (if you can sleep at all) and it just goes on and on and on and......UGGHHH I'M JUST SO MAD! And yet I know I can't be mad at HER bc she doesn't KNOW, she doesn't know what her words mean...I told you this was a vent.

Take care and stay safe.

Re: ranting and raving
Posted by Donna on Wed Feb 20 00:26:03 2002 (#14214)

hey there! i know exactly how u feel!!u gotta get help for wot ur goin through...and it might help if you told your friends!! i cry all the time too...it helps..it gets everything thats been building up inside you out!!! you have to ficus on getting through this...do you know why you're cutting exactly?is it the result of a traumatic time in your life?you need to find out the reasons and start focusing on dealing with them!! i really do understand where you're coming from and ive started to work out my problems..it does take a long time but theres a light at the end of that tunnel!!i cant see it yet but i know it's there. believe in yourself and you will achieve anything..the happiness you craving for!!!im here for you whenever you need me!! luv DONNA

Re: ranting and raving
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Feb 20 01:55:09 2002 (#14232)

Hi honey, I hope you're feeling better. It always helps to vent a little doesn't it? Anyway, take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: ranting and raving
Posted by crystal on Wed Feb 20 04:25:01 2002 (#14248)

everyone needs to rant every once in awhile. i do it all the time. especially at people who ask me all the time how i'm doing but don't actually give a fuck. they just want me to say the word "fine" so then they can move about their undisturbed day. but what i always try to remember is that as angry as i am at people who i think don't know "real" pain - i can say the same for myself. i don't live is some wartorn country where people are having their houses burst into and their families shot and raped in front of them. i have food to eat. i have things to be happy for. its small consolation sometimes. but it keeps me from getting to pissed at people. anyway, i know how you feel. xoxoxoxoxox, crystal

control
Posted by lora on Tue Feb 19 23:53:52 2002 (#14212)

I've been given anti depressants but don't want to take them because I think I will lose the control i have over my cutting.Is that weird to anyone? It's almost like it's all I've got left thats mine. It's hard to let go of a familiar friend.Would be glad of your opinions.

Re: control
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Feb 20 00:03:15 2002 (#14213)

Hey, no that doesn't sound weird. I know what you mean. I was given anti-depressants and that was the first thought that came into my head. I was made to take them but they haven't made any difference to me, haven't made me "better", but maybe that's just me. You should take them though, they might help with some of the lows you're feeling now. That probably hasn't helped at all has it? Sorry, I tried. Love and best wishes, E x

Re: control
Posted by Donna on Wed Feb 20 00:30:18 2002 (#14215)

hey there ive been given the chance to take anti-depressants but i didnt take it...i was afraid of the unknown.it doesnt sound weird at all..i can relate to you.i think im ready for them now but at the time i wasnt!!! u have to be ready for something like that i think, otherwise you wont know what's going on when you're takin them luv donna

Re: control
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Feb 20 01:59:11 2002 (#14233)

Hi, Tara takes anti-depressents when she still gets depressed sometimes, but she used to take them all the time. While it helped her depression, if she felt like cutting, she did. IF she wasn't depressed, a lot of times, she didn't feel like cutting. Does that make sense? Email me if you want to talk. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: control
Posted by matt on Tue Feb 26 18:46:33 2002 (#14462)

Hey, when i was put on zoloft (which im still taking now) That was a big thing on my mind, like, i wanted to be in control of myself, i didnt want to swallow down some artificial happiness that would make the pain go away. But i started taking them, and it wasnt TOO bad, it helped a little, then the doseage hit a platoe and i would have like really wicked panic attack type things, but then they upped the dosage, and things got a little better, Id say in general im still pretty depressed but im working on fighting it... Meds might be worth a shot, but it is up to you.

Re: control
Posted by Ella (The Part Time Psycho >_<) on Sun Mar 3 19:21:05 2002 (#14656)

hi im new here but i kno exactly wot u mean ive been put on anti psychotics and theyre meant to take the urge away but dont, dont wurry the urge to harm wont be taken away fully u may just have days where u ont feel the urge as strongly, as they'll never stop them compleltely- theres no miracle cure hunny! takecare -Ella-x-

not having a good day
Posted by ~~~~~~ on Wed Feb 20 00:46:19 2002 (#14216)

hi everyone. i'm not having such a hot day so i thought i'd write here to see if i can try and get rid of this urge to cut. i don't want to cut. i've been doin good. i haven't cut for a week and a half but that's good for me usually it's a day and back to cutting but i like this week and a half thing. i want it to last. no one was home today except my friend daniela and she had her bf over so she couldn't talk to me. no one cares anymore. no one knows i cut except my friend steve and he is mad at me right now cause he found out but looking at them. i was wearing a tshirt and we were walkin home. it was warm and i started sweating so i took off my sweatshirt but the scars didn't show so i didn't sweat it. when we turned down my street he walked behind me a little and he was giving me something so i hadta turn around or reach behind me to get it. well i went to reach with the other arm and he moved to my left so i hadta use my left hand. he didn't see the scars at first so i didn't worry then he grabbed my arm and tuned it over. it hurt when he did that and then he yelled at me or it. he asked me what would possess me to do something like that. i told him he wouldn't understand but he didn't buy it. he made me tell him. he came over my house and sat down with me and asked me a bunch of questions and said he wasn't leaving until i answered them. he sat there and held me while i told him and then i cried. i actually cried. he held me and told me it was going to be ok and that crying was ok too. me and him are very tight. we could be considered bff's but i don't think we have completely reached that status yet. i love him for what he did. i told him that too. he told me that he loved me too but we are still friends. he has a gf but he still has time for me. that's so sweet. he told me that he always considered us very close and hopes we never drift apart. ok well i feel better now. if you read this thanks for taking the time out to read this. bye

Re: not having a good day
Posted by Donna on Wed Feb 20 00:55:51 2002 (#14217)

hey there dont cut now...you gotta look forward!!! you have a great friend there who will always look out for you...he can help you get the help you need!!! you gotta tackle the root of your problems and do what you can to stop yourself from cutting..i know how u feel...im a cutter too.u hafta be proud considerin you havent cut in a week and a half...that time can expand to 2 weeks and b4 you know it, it will stretch to a year..u just need to find the help you need!! luv donna

Re: not having a good day
Posted by ~~~~~~ on Wed Feb 20 00:59:52 2002 (#14218)

no i'm not gonna cut i feel betta now. yea do have a great friend. i hope he stays close to me. he's vey special. i am proud of myself. i hope it does turn into 2 weeks. i'm not very good with making it. i have too many panic attacks and breakdowns so i don't know how long it will last or when my next one is. i know what the problem is too. i just don't know how to tell some one i cut to get help. i hide it right now. my friend is the only one that knows now. he's the first at least. thanks for responding. bye

Re: not having a good day
Posted by Donna on Wed Feb 20 01:04:13 2002 (#14219)

if you know the reason you should tell ppl.i know why i cut and for me there is no point in ppl just knowing that i cut.it doesnt help until they know why im doin it cos then they can fully understand me!! im proud of u 2-its been three weeks for me and i hope to keep on goin-u do the same!!ill pray for ya!! luv Donna

Re: not having a good day
Posted by ~~~~~~ on Wed Feb 20 01:28:25 2002 (#14227)

thanks for the prayer. lol i'm proud of you too. 3 weeks is a lot. good job. idk how to tell someone. i mean i know i told my friend steve but that's cause he's been with me ever since we've been like 2 or 3. i knew he would understand me but no one else would. not even my parents. well i gotta go. keep goin on yur 3 weeks. bye

Re: not having a good day
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Feb 20 01:10:10 2002 (#14221)

Hey. You're very lucky to have such a great friend. You are doing so well not cutting for so long, I've cut every day for the past year. I can't cope without it. I'm sure you will make it, you've come this far. Try and take it one day at a time, don't look too far into the future as you'll get swamped by doubt. The future's a scary place. just remember there are plenty of people you can talk to, and don't stress too much about getting help- you'll know when the time is right. I'll be rooting for you! Love E x

Re: not having a good day
Posted by Donna on Wed Feb 20 01:14:15 2002 (#14222)

how r u eleanor? i hope you're gettin on ok! i totally agree with you actually..i think that's wots rong with me..i look too far ahead and get swamped by doubt!! thanx luv Donna

Re: not having a good day
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Feb 20 01:21:27 2002 (#14225)

I'm not doing very well at the moment. Things are getting on top of me, I'm feeling a bit down. Hope you're ok. You give out good advice you know! Luv El x

Re: not having a good day
Posted by ~~~~~~ on Wed Feb 20 01:30:34 2002 (#14230)

thank you.

Re: not having a good day
Posted by crystal on Wed Feb 20 04:29:14 2002 (#14250)

thank god for those people that will watch out for us and be there for us. without them i don't know where i would be. i good friend like that is worth the world. we realize we are not completly alone. love, crystal

this girl...
Posted by diana on Wed Feb 20 01:21:52 2002 (#14226)

there's this girl in my science class that i recently found out that she self injures too. n i talked to her and all n it was ok. but today she came in n she was kinda showing off her cuts n smiling when ppl asked... i duno. it pissed the shit outta me. n ppl kept asking so i yelled n said "her cat scratched her deep damnit". n then every1 shut up.. all my friends were like damn diana..why u all stickin up for that girl...no1 likes her. but the thing is.. even if i am upset that shes showin off i still have some feelings n i feel bad for her cuz im in the same position...what should i do? jus drop it n not say nething to her.. or should i ask why shes showing them off?

Re: this girl...
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Feb 20 01:28:40 2002 (#14228)

She's most probably showing them off because she wants to be asked about it. Maybe she wants somebody to care? You should probably ask her about it, it can't relly hurt. Just talk to her, everyone needs someone to talk to. But be careful.

Re: this girl...
Posted by scaredinthedark on Wed Feb 20 01:34:47 2002 (#14231)

that's a hard question. does she understand about you too? r u like friends now or do you just talk? idk what to say. maybe you should ask. love ya lots. scaredinthedark

to: scaredinthedark
Posted by diana on Wed Feb 20 02:51:36 2002 (#14239)

i mean.. its weird. i guess we're kinda 'secret friends'. as messed up as it sounds....our friends don't associate with each other. i wish it was different... but clicks of friends suck.. but oh well.-diana

needs some attention
Posted by crystal on Wed Feb 20 04:17:52 2002 (#14247)

that poor girl probably just needs someone to care about her. not that you should have to. but maybe at least point her in a direction where she can find a little support and help. here maybe? i don't know. everyone deals with their cutting in a different way. some are private about it - some arn't. it can be aggrivating, but they just need someone. xoxoxoxox, crystal

question for everyone
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Feb 20 02:09:54 2002 (#14234)

Hi guys, Would anyone object to getting e-cards from me? Some of you already do, the ones I have an address to, but I really like to send cards. If you don't post your email address and wouldn't mind me sending cards to you, could ya'll send me your addresses? I promise not to give them out to anyone. Just know that I do care about everyone that comes here and I would like to welcome all the newcomers. Take care everyone. Love, Rhonda

Re: question for everyone
Posted by Erin on Wed Feb 20 02:17:48 2002 (#14236)

i wouldnt mind :)

Re: question for everyone
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Feb 20 02:25:28 2002 (#14237)

I wouldn't mind either x x

Re: question for everyone
Posted by Crimson Fire on Wed Feb 20 05:39:07 2002 (#14254)

definitely wouldnt mind...:)

Re: question for everyone
Posted by Donna on Wed Feb 20 21:31:08 2002 (#14274)

id appreciate that!thanx luv Donna

Re: question for everyone
Posted by star (amz) on Wed Feb 27 11:43:37 2002 (#14501)

i would love that. xxxx

Re: question for everyone
Posted by DiStUrBdFrEaK on Sat Mar 2 22:41:11 2002 (#14629)

I would really apreciate that, thank you very much xxx

Re: question for everyone
Posted by She on Tue Mar 5 23:06:10 2002 (#14754)

I would really like that xxxxxx luv She

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