Please note: This site will look much better in a browser that supports web standards, but it is accessible to any browser or Internet device.

You are here: Home > Archive > Ratatosk.net Forum > Threads 3451 to 3500

Threads 3451 to 3500

and another thing...
Posted by *miss-stupid-ass* on Sat Feb 2 01:57:39 2002 (#13830)

your poetry sucks too!

Re: and another thing...
Posted by ms. smarty pants on Sat Feb 2 03:11:39 2002 (#13832)

1. learn how to spell. 2. you are what your name is. 3. who asked you? 4. oh and in case I didn't mention this, learn how to spell.

sheesh, who is the loser? ummm you.

Re: and another thing...
Posted by Alana on Sat Feb 2 04:31:34 2002 (#13833)

why does anyone even fuckin bother anymore to fight? what's the fuckin point. Everybody get a fuckin life and stop causing others misery. SHIT FUCKNUT DAMN!

Chillax.

Alana

Re: and another thing...
Posted by kae on Sat Feb 2 11:47:35 2002 (#13836)

you're a smart-ass wimp trying to stir up people you don't know for your own entertainment. GET A LIFE! if this is your idea of fun, you're a really sad, pathetic person. you don't even have the guts to put your real name...so why the hell do you think we'll care about what you say?

you don't matter to us. you're nobody.

GROW UP.

Everyone, this could be rabbits alter speaking
Posted by Dawn on Sat Feb 2 13:12:04 2002 (#13837)

Who ever is behind this morbid message is far sicker than the rest of us. Everyone who responded did well! I'm proud of you for holding your tongue and your anger. It must have been difficult.

We really need to remember that there are people who post on here who have many other problems besides cutting. Rabbit just posted that he has a female alter (multiple personality) who wants him to kill himself. This might be her speaking. It could also be one of the lurkers who read our post for whatever reason and do not post except like this. But do not forget either that there are many cutters or soon to be cutters who stay in the background reading our post and not responding because they are in so much pain and have not found their voice to speak the words.

Our reaction to everyone can be read by many different people. For the record; this post, though spoken in different words, sounds as if it could be written by my son, which is why I react by cutting. This morning there will be no such action taken.

As was said earlier, we may think seriously about suicide, but we come here and talk ourselves down. WHICH IS WHAT THIS SUPPORT GROUP IS ALL ABOUT.....Dawn

IT'S NOT ME
Posted by rabbit on Tue Feb 5 01:01:47 2002 (#13902)

Although, I do agree that other perspectives must be considered, I want to make it very clear that I've had nothing to do with this particular message ring. I've been away from my puter for a few days because my grandma is in the hospital, so my alters wouldn't have a chance to have gotten online. Wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea. Rabbit

Re: and another thing...
Posted by jen on Sat Feb 2 23:48:57 2002 (#13840)

you know what you are a keniving bitch! if someone said that to you i think u would feel like shit and if anyone listens to you i will royally kick your ass!!! if you have problems then don't come by here. you have no heart if you can actually say that to someone. if i said that to someone i would be so mad at myself but i wouldn't so i have no fear like you should!!!!! have a heart... if you ever say anything like that again you will hear me roar, believe me the bitch hasn't stepped out of her cave i have alot more coming watch your words or you will hear mine!!!!!

you will hear me roar!!!!!
Posted by jen on Sat Feb 2 23:49:10 2002 (#13841)

Re: you will hear me roar!!!!!
Posted by *miss-stupid-ass* on Mon Feb 4 07:23:48 2002 (#13875)

oh, please, go right on. theres nothing like the "roar" of a mentally unstable little cocksucker to brighten up my day. but please, stay in your "cave", i dont want your stupidity and bad taste to rub off. after all, ive got to keep on keepin' on. stay sick! *missstupidass*

Re: you will hear me roar!!!!!
Posted by AndrewCasa on Tue Feb 5 03:20:28 2002 (#13915)

hiss....hiss settle down now...don't wanna have to open a can on both yo asses!

Re: and another thing...
Posted by mego on Sun Feb 3 05:53:55 2002 (#13848)

fuck it. i'm not even to get mad. obviously, you have problems if you have to come on here, trying to fuck people up. you'd never say this shit to anyone if you saw them face to face. you have more problems than any other person here just for that reason, and it almost makes me feel sorry for you. why don't you just get a life and leave us alone?

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

hey man
Posted by *miss-stupid-ass* on Sun Feb 3 01:20:09 2002 (#13842)

wow. if i had known i would get a reaction like this, i would've done it ages ago! keep it up guys, you are too funny!

Re: hey man
Posted by zandra on Sun Feb 3 01:42:51 2002 (#13843)

yea. yur cool. do you really have a problem or are you just here to get a rise out of us? we are just a few people trying to get help or get our feelings out. maybe we have no one else to turn to. and for your information our poetry doesn't suck. yur new i'm guessin so i think you need to lay off some of our backs and say why you're really here. everyone has their problems and if you don't care enough to help or say NICE things i don't think you have a right to be here at all.

Re: hey man
Posted by mego on Sun Feb 3 06:01:55 2002 (#13849)

okay, so you're doing this for fun? obviously, you don't care about anyone, and nobody cares about you. you must cut, because you came here in the first place. we all cut, or are close to someone who does, and many of us may be somewhat apathetic, the difference between you and us is that we still have decency and you don't. if you're looking for some kind of attention or pity, or just for a fight, go somewhere else because you won't find it here. we're don't go for name calling or for petty little arguments, we're more mature than that. so either grow up and work with everyone else to become stronger, or leave. your choice.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever-Incubus

Re: hey man
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Feb 5 01:41:18 2002 (#13908)

This says it all. If we just ignore her, it wouldn't be fun for her anymore. And to whoever you are, I will say a prayer for you tonight cause you really could use some help from above. Take care. Love, Rhonda

a poem
Posted by confused on Sun Feb 3 05:07:00 2002 (#13845)

There are things that no one knows.Somethings that make me cry but
:to speak these things is to hurt me more , for everyone explains i'm
:better off than most. True as that is iam human and i feel things
:that no one understands.So am i strange, different, evil. Im not
:sure but the fear makes me lie and the anger makes me cry so i say
:nothing to no one and life goes on.

Re: a poem
Posted by KAT on Sun Feb 3 18:18:04 2002 (#13855)

Nice poem

:) keep writing, take care -KAT

a poem
Posted by confused on Sun Feb 3 05:52:22 2002 (#13847)

EVERYONE IGNORE *MOSS-STUPID-ASS*
Posted by mego on Sun Feb 3 06:03:51 2002 (#13850)

shes doing this for fun, if we all ignore her, she'll get bored with it and go away.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever-Incubus

Re: EVERYONE IGNORE *MOSS-STUPID-ASS*
Posted by confused on Sun Feb 3 07:34:50 2002 (#13851)

i agree ignore her posts and dont read her responses and she will go away

anyone remember me!
Posted by emm on Sun Feb 3 15:41:03 2002 (#13852)

Hello all! how is everyone? Its obviously been a while coz i dont know alot of you! i havent posted here in ages as i dont have the internet anymore(really pissed off about that still) anyway. im still cutting.not so much but im trying to make a new start.its not working though.i cant stop no matter how hard i try. i hope your all well.i miss u lot soooo much. please think of me even though im not around. i'll try and post as often as i can but its difficult at school as people will see what im doing. oh well. ive got ot go now. nice to catch up with u all. stay safe! emm** E-mail me!

Re: anyone remember me!
Posted by KAT on Sun Feb 3 18:15:43 2002 (#13854)

Hi Emm...I certainly remember you? I'm glad to hear you're okay, I understand about still cutting,. I can't stop either although I've gotten a lot better, some days its worse. Take care I never forgot about you, even if you dont post here very much anymore. Best wishes to you,take care love always -KAT
:)

Re: anyone remember me!
Posted by rabbit on Tue Feb 5 01:06:51 2002 (#13903)

I remember you!!! I just returned, myself. Welcome back, although I'm sorry to hear that you're still cutting. Stay safe sweetie.

Some more
Posted by KAT on Sun Feb 3 18:19:49 2002 (#13856)

Hi I also posted this on the other board but it's hard going from board to board when you dont know who posts where..anyways it's a song by staind called For you and it explains me almost perfectly..so here it goes:To my mother, to my father It's your son or it's your daughter Are my screams loud enough For you to hear me? Should I turn it up for you?

I sit here locked inside my head Remembering everything you said This silence gets us nowhere Gets us nowhere way too fast

The silence is what kills me I need someone to help me But you don't know how to listen And let me make desicions

Cuz I sit here locked inside my head Remembering everything you said The silence gets us nowhere Gets us nowhere way too fast

All your insults and your curses Make me feel like I'm not a person And I feel like I'm nothing But you made me

So do something Because I'm fucked up because you are Need attention Attention you couldn't give I sit here locked inside my head Remembering everything you said The silence gets us nowhere Gets us nowhere way too fast

I love it! :) take care y'all -love KAT

Re: Some more
Posted by kim on Sun Feb 3 19:42:52 2002 (#13859)

i lovvvve that song...ahh its the greatest

Help Needed
Posted by Andrew_BP2 on Sun Feb 3 19:08:56 2002 (#13857)

I am 38, have been SI for some time, mostly by just hitting myself and running my body up against a wall or falling into something. Now I have starting to cut, its quicker, and seems to relieve the pain. I know I its wrong, but folks dont understand the pain inside my head. I see a therapist and a pdoc. I am BiPolar. I am no doubt proably older than most folks on this board but I am in need of help to understand this cutting thing. Last night I cut again, this time I didnt even feel it, but it was like letting the air out of a tire, it was that kind of relief, it was an alternative to suicide for me. Does this make sense??

Thanx for any advice and help!

Re: Help Needed
Posted by KAT on Sun Feb 3 19:42:00 2002 (#13858)

There are a lot of young people here, but there are also some around your age. Everything you typed makes perfect sense to me, and I'm sure to almost everyone here. These ways that you harm yourself, falling into something and running up against a wall are on the same lines of cutting, but you're right cutting helps to an extent, for only for a while. Well that has been my expierence, the first year or so cutting was my relief from the world and painful memories, but now days cutting doesn't compltely satify me anymore. I hope if you read up on cutting on this site or any other you will read the many many other coping skills in dealing with all this mess. Cutting is an alternative to suicide, that's why there is the cutting board and the suicide board, many people who cut wouldn't even think about killing themselfs. You know..but I totally understand what you are saying and I sympathize with you.. take it easy take care of yourself. love KAT

Re: Help Needed
Posted by kim on Sun Feb 3 19:48:08 2002 (#13860)

well, you have come to the right place...i am bi polar too, and it drives me insane. cutting is an aweful thing, but a wonderful thing at the same time. it saves us, and it destroys us. it's like a drug. well i hope this board helps you tons!

~kim

Re: Help Needed
Posted by confused on Sun Feb 3 19:50:28 2002 (#13861)

i think most people here started little and then moved on to cutting. i personally am glad that you are an older person im only 15 and when i first told my close friends and parents they thought it was a teenage hormore thingie. we are all here for you and will help you in anyway we can. the real job however is up to you.

Re: Help Needed
Posted by Nuni on Mon Feb 4 17:28:02 2002 (#13884)

Makes sense to me. I don't think it matters how old you are. What matters is that you know you aren't alone. I'm not clear on the diagnosis of others. I was once labeled depressed, but who isn't at one time or another right? Another doc tried to tell me I had Borderline personality traits from a 5 minute conversation. "whatever"... I didn't buy it then I don't buy it now. I am currently seeing a therapist, actually psychiatrist. I turned down meds, and I found that working consistently with a doctor helps. I would like to say I was a CUTTER. I haven't in so long, but cutting has been a side of me for VERY long, almost fourteen years off and on. All I can say is don't be afraid to tell your doctors. It is why they are DOCTORS.

Re: Help Needed
Posted by zandra on Mon Feb 4 22:06:21 2002 (#13889)

hi. yea you are older than me. i'm only 15 but oh well. i've been cutting for almost a year and i've been told i am mildly depressed by a doctor. why do you think you cut? like what instigates the pain inside your head? why do you think? that's the first step to healing. i hope you can get through this. i saw your other message and i just thought i'd find this one. i found it lol. hehe. anyways please take care and talk to anyone here. we are all here to help you. i'll ttyl8a. <3 always zandra

Re: Help Needed
Posted by jc on Fri Feb 8 07:30:32 2002 (#13949)

I completely understand what you mean. I'm 28 but the last time I self mutilated myself was 16 years ago. I now have a daughter who writes on her arms because she said she wanted to be just like me. And you will never know the regret and pain I feel when she does that. Please do no do it to yourself any longer. If you are already suffering, you will suffer more when someone who means more than life or death does it to themselves. Please stop and learn to love yourself. I wish you all the best of luck !!!

i dunno...i guess this is venting..but i need help
Posted by *me* on Sun Feb 3 20:28:52 2002 (#13862)

i don't know even where to begin but i just am feeling really really really shitty right now, in a low, low spot, in pain, just wanting to get away, to leave, to make the pain stop, to stop being me, to crawl out of me bc i just cant stand being me anymore. i know this sounds weird but i also know you know what i mean. i just dont know what to do. i am going to cut tonight. i just want to bleed and bleed and bleed. i want to slice up my skin until it's raw and bleeding. i cant take this life i cant take this anymore i need to make it stop but i dont know how i dont want to die i dont want to die. i just need to figure out how to make the pain stop its taking me over its consuming me and i cant breathe its just taking over my life. cutting is my only refuge i just need to bleed and bleed i need help please i dont know what to do.

Re: i dunno...i guess this is venting..but i need
Posted by zandra on Sun Feb 3 20:48:03 2002 (#13863)

i know how you feel. i cut every night because of the pain. i want to die but i don't want to die. think of one thing that would make you not want to die. what is it that helps you through the day or who is it that helps you go through the day? think of how much they would suffer from your death. how old are you? no matter how old you are you have a life ahead of you. sooner or later the pain might die down. believe me it will never go away but it will slow down sumwhat. you need to htink of positive things with the negative even if you can't try. that may help you. if it doesn't i'm glad i could say sumthing. please take care and remember everyone on the board is here for you to talk to and if you need to, im me sumtime i'm on at sassycggurl and we can talk. take care. <3 always zandra

Re: i dunno...i guess this is venting..but i need
Posted by KAT on Mon Feb 4 06:00:28 2002 (#13870)

Im soo soo sooooo sorry that you're in so much pain, I know how that feels..to hurt so bad that you can't get out of bed , can't even breath normally. It's a horrid feeling, but it comes from somewhere deep down inside. Think about and get out in the open what is really eating at you and making you hurt so much. If you don't know that's okay too..sometimes I dont know why I just feel like slitting my wrists, but Im still here. Each day brings something so totally new, you never know what to expect ...so all I can tell you now is to look forward to tomorrow and hope that things work out for the best. I give you my love..*hugs* take care. *me* we love you here. Please stay safe the best way that you can..it's difficutl being in a situation so painful as life, but it'll be okay.Time heals all wounds, even ones that stay with us forever. I know exactly how you feeel..I'm in this with you love always KAT

FaTe
Posted by SaTaN666 on Sun Feb 3 22:18:12 2002 (#13864)

FATE

Fate has come for me life is hell again I see back to hell I go fornever more back now it seems life has once again sent me around

death is coming for me nothin I do will stop it it is coming for me fate seems to have chosen me once again been reincarnated severel times I will return again like every other time Has Fate finally chosen me?

SaTaN666

Re: FaTe
Posted by KAT on Mon Feb 4 06:02:32 2002 (#13871)

choose your own path..don't let something or someone else tell you how you will turn out. Stop fate..isn't possible? It is. love KAT

Hi im new here
Posted by Maniqueen Of Depression on Mon Feb 4 02:42:54 2002 (#13865)

hi, i just came accross this coz i was searching for a self harm thing, im not sure why actually. im a goth girl from london, i started cutting my arms in september because i was depressed. the general attitude was and still is ' i dont give a fuck' to me its like why not hurt myself because i wouldnt care if i got hit by a car tomorrow, a lot of the time i wish it would, but sometimes not. i had a half hearted suicide attemp early in january, the old kitchen knife and wrists scenario. but my mum came home and made me show her. that nite id had a hysterical crying and screaming fit and my grandparents wouldnt let me out of the house, she was holding onto my hair just so i couldnt get out, i felt like some sort of trapped animal. i always feel trapped and alone although ive got lots of family and friends i am just so alone and i cant relate to any of them. anyway that night my dad came with me back to my house and went straight to the bottle of vodka (hes an alcoholic) he was already drunk when he came. and i thought this is exactly what i want to get away from. tonite ive been cutting some more, i used my blood for an art piece. and to write on my wall. maybe u think im kinda fucked up? or maybe not. i dont judge anyone because i know what its like to be judged. i also have a chain which i pull around my neck, i dont do that very often because i get scared when im about to black out. well thanks for listening

Gems xx the oh-so-fucked-up one

Memento Mori is the epitaph that shall be etched upon you grave.

i also have loads of poems to reflect how i feel and stuff. u can check them out at www.geocities.com/gemmalansdow ne/ and click on 'poems' thanks :)

Re: Hi im new here
Posted by kim on Mon Feb 4 03:28:52 2002 (#13867)

welcome!!

you have come to a great board...we all try and support each other and all here. i hope you stay here for awhile...we will all try out hardest to help you with everything!

~kim

Re: Hi im new here
Posted by KAT on Mon Feb 4 06:05:49 2002 (#13872)

Hi there, welcome..nothing you have explaind sounds fucked up to me, although I see myself as fucked up to, so I guess I'm not to one to say whats what. I too have many "bloody artworks". They have a strong impact when I do them, which isnt often, take care and feel free to use this board as a coping way to stop yourself from doing anything you might regret. Or anything at all.. I'll listen, I promise. take care, nice poems. love KAT

Re: Hi im new here
Posted by maniqueen of depression on Mon Feb 4 15:40:16 2002 (#13879)

thanks for the warm welcome, its much appreciated...really :) im sure ill be visiting here a lot from now on.

memento mori is the epitaph that shall be etched upon your grave

Gems xx

*****
Posted by none on Mon Feb 4 03:22:50 2002 (#13866)

Just breathe I tell myself it'll all be over soon. I'm not here today and it's because of you. Trying to rub off the poison you left on my body I guess I'll just burn it off, slice it off, get my father to beat it off me. Control issues have you tied down which is why you like little s cause they don't understand they can be "trained" not to fight back but just to wander out of their bodies till your done. Cut once twice and all of a sudden of I've lost count and I've lost control. I try not to laugh because when I do I nearly pass out hopefully I can just go to sleep and the bleeding won't stop and I won't have to wake up tomorrow.

Re: *****
Posted by maniqueen of depression on Mon Feb 4 15:43:40 2002 (#13880)

powerful writing! i also think how great it would be just to go to sleep and not wake up.

stupid stupid rat creatures
Posted by *miss-stupid-ass* on Mon Feb 4 05:08:22 2002 (#13868)

fuck, you guys better stop hacking yourselves away, its polluting your minds. or maybe your all just naturally stupid. whatever the case may be, i know youll be reading this, and your poetry still sucks, and ill bet your all ugly too. inside as well as out. at least i have the balls to tell the truth, you sick fucks. oh, yeah, i felt quite honored about that cockbrianed cunt said that she was going to 'cut' becos of what i said. shit. do it some more! carve a nice, crimson A into your body as well. remember me forever.

Re: stupid stupid rat creatures
Posted by just another one on here on Mon Feb 4 21:28:34 2002 (#13886)

sorry i didn't do it just because you said to. i do it to feel better. and that a on me is an big fat red m or a nice word somewhere. not an a sorry.

Re: stupid stupid rat creatures
Posted by ms. smarty pants on Tue Feb 5 01:34:03 2002 (#13907)

You need a hug, because you are really pathetic. At least we take out our frustrations and anger on ourselves not on others. You must be pretty bored with yourself, because you sure spend a lot of time insulting all of us here. Oh, I am in fact a regular here. I am being cowardly and not using my own name. Why waste it on you, is what I say. Anyhow, thanks for taking the time how to share how horrible you feel about yourself. Basically your words are a reflection of who you are. DOn't you feel pretty rotten now. Messing with people who aren't bothering. Basically we all come here to get away from assholes like you. Unfortunately you remain welcome, because who am I to say.. Leave and don't come back. Oh, and at least those that write poetry have the courage to display their heart and soul. You don't know how to appreciate it. I guess you are the one that sucks!

get drunk!
Posted by *miss-stupid-ass* on Mon Feb 4 05:14:02 2002 (#13869)

take notice! for this is true poetry, not that self hating slew of pathetic words you all jumble together and call it so.

One should always be drunk. That's all that matters; that's our one imperative need. So as not to feel Time's horrible burden one which breaks your shoulders and bows you down, you must get drunk without cease.

But with what? With wine, poetry, or virtue as you choose. But get drunk.

And if, at some time, on steps of a palace, in the green grass of a ditch, in the bleak solitude of your room, you are waking and the drunkeness has already abated, ask the wind, the wave, the stars, the clock, all that which flees, all that which groans, all that which rolls, all that which sings, all that which speaks, ask them, what time it is; and the wind, the wave, the stars, the birds, and the clock, they will all reply:

"It is time toget drunk!

So that you may not be the martyred slaves of Time, get drunk, get drunk, and never pause for rest! With wine, poetry, or vitrtue, as you choose!"

-Charles Baudelaire

Re: get drunk!
Posted by KAT on Mon Feb 4 06:08:52 2002 (#13873)

Hello..do you feel better now that you've "proven" your point. I hope so. It's obvious of many things about you, and hell I have no clue who you are. -KAT

Re: get drunk!
Posted by manniqueen of depression on Mon Feb 4 15:48:40 2002 (#13881)

Looks like miss-stupid-ass is living up to her name. i read before that someone cut coz of what she said? if there is any reason not to cut, it is the remarks of this stupid bitch! well this is the first and last time i will respond to her comments coz she's not worth my time.

Re: get drunk!
Posted by just another one on here on Mon Feb 4 21:31:17 2002 (#13887)

don't worry. i didn't cut because of her. i'm not that stupid like her.

Re: get drunk!
Posted by Erin on Mon Feb 4 22:20:53 2002 (#13890)

she's not bothering me because I know she's just trying to get us mad and get attention. its kind of funny how she wants to make us mad and just 'get it over with'..sounds like she has nothing else better to do than act like a total retard...

Re: get drunk!
Posted by zandra on Mon Feb 4 22:33:16 2002 (#13891)

i agree. she's just trying to get a rise out of us. seriously i don't think she has a life. if she doesn't have problems then why would she be here telling us these things. people that don't do what we do or think of doing what we do wouldn't just randomnly show up one day here and say these things to us unless they are scared to admit it. i agree with you erin. i think she is a retard for even trying. take care <3 zandra

Re: get drunk!
Posted by Erin on Tue Feb 5 02:24:30 2002 (#13912)

thanks zandra

Re: get drunk!
Posted by zandra on Tue Feb 5 02:34:50 2002 (#13913)

your welcome! :)

damn!
Posted by *miss-stupid-ass* on Mon Feb 4 07:27:37 2002 (#13876)

damn. if you guys dont even know Baudelaire, your alot worse off than i had thought. stay sick, *missstupidass*

Re: damn!
Posted by kim on Mon Feb 4 22:55:15 2002 (#13892)

haha you're so funny...minus the funny part...okay we all know you must cut yourself up too, because someone that doesnt would not even know to come to this board...so hey i got an idea for you take your own fucking advice, or stop being a stupid bitch and tell us why the hell you really are here.

So much for taste
Posted by Rabbit on Tue Feb 5 01:17:19 2002 (#13904)

It is not the lack of recognition, but the lack of appreciation. For one who brags about your taste in poetry at such great length, I am unpleasantly surprised to find it lacking. In other words... It sucks. Better luck next time.

hey guys
Posted by mego on Mon Feb 4 14:02:56 2002 (#13877)

hey, its me. things have been a little better lately. i'm finally calming down a little bit. my mom hasn't been drunk in almost two weeks, she is so much happier, so are the rest of us. nobody is fighting as much. everything is just so much more relaxed. its nice. i'm so proud of her. yeah, i'm still cutting but thats life... what can you do? i woke up in a good mood, which is crazy cause its monday, or maybe thats just the cigarette i had speaking for me... i don't know. but whatever the hell it is, i'm going to appreciate it and make the best out of today because the rest of the weekend sucked. and,hey, life is way too short to be sad, right? why the hell am i saying this? i am such a damn hypocrit but thats okay, because i don't really give a shit! alright! i'm gonna go, bye guys! i hope that today is good for everyone!

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: hey guys
Posted by manniqueen of depression on Mon Feb 4 15:55:12 2002 (#13882)

hey, im glad you are feeling good! thats a rarity in my life, i tend to get these periods of happiness for about 4 or 5 days then back down suicide alley i go. its strange, i feel like im a split personality or something, jekyll and hyde. im pleased that your mum has stayed off the drink for a while. my dad is an alcoholic also, once he stayed off it for a whole year, that was the happiest time i remember, unfortunatley he resumed his old ways. its really horrible because he always lets me down, because i live with my mum. he didnt come and see me for 3 weeks not too long ago, just for no reason at all. and it hurts that he chooses the bottle over me. i wish your mum luck in giving up!

Re: hey guys
Posted by kim on Mon Feb 4 22:58:32 2002 (#13893)

mego.. it's so good to hear that you are happy! i hope you stay like that for a very long time!!

~kim

Re: hey guys
Posted by KAT on Mon Feb 4 23:32:58 2002 (#13898)

Hey its wonderful to see you in this kind of mood, I hope it lasts for a long time, sadness and anger are just parts of life that we all feel, but It's awsome to see you happy. I'm glad, take care love and hugs -KAT

Should I tell the Pdoc & Therapist
Posted by Andrew_BP2 on Mon Feb 4 14:54:05 2002 (#13878)

Hey guys I cut again last night, 2 nights in a row now, should I tell my therapist and pdoc?? I really appreciate the responses I got to my first message. You folks seem so caring. I will wait until I see your response until I do something. Take care and again I want to thank all of you who responded to my first message, you are truly special to me!!

Re: Should I tell the Pdoc & Therapist
Posted by manniqueen of depression on Mon Feb 4 16:00:14 2002 (#13883)

hey there

i didnt see your first message as im new here, i only came here yesterday, but people here do seem really nice :) ill have to read all the old posts. i think telling your therspist would probably be wise and i guess then they can help you fully, or try at least. Hiding things is not really good. i tell everything to my counsellor, i find that its better because she is an outsider and wont emotionally blackmail me etc as families often do, even though unintentionally. well its your decision anyway, take care :)

Gems xx

Re: Should I tell the Pdoc & Therapist
Posted by Nuni on Mon Feb 4 17:31:14 2002 (#13885)

Hi, I responded to your other message. I am unsure if you read it. I am sorry you cut again. Doesn't it suck when you wish you didn't want to make the pain stop in the inside by displaying it on the outside. It sucks, andI hate it!!!! Yes, I think the only way you can figure out why you have to taken this path you may want to discuss it with those that are there to help you. Take care! Nuni

Re: Should I tell the Pdoc & Therapist
Posted by zandra on Mon Feb 4 21:55:57 2002 (#13888)

hey! i didn't see your last post i don't think. i've only been here for like 2 weeks but who knows maybe i just forgot. sorry. i don't have a very good memory anymore but i thought i'd respond to this one before i forget to cause when i read it i wanted to. i'm sorry that you cut. i've cut every night for almost a year. march 29th will be one year. wow! anyways i think you should tell sumone. anyone can help you get whatever if making you cut out. cutting sux. you should get help before you get into it really. i hope you take peoples advice and i hope you get better. take care. <3 always zandra

Re: Should I tell the Pdoc & Therapist
Posted by kim on Mon Feb 4 23:02:34 2002 (#13894)

andrew...

you should tell the doctors because if you don't you will just be keeping another thing inside and it will make you want to cut more...please tell someone that can help you!!

if you decide to tell i wish you the best of luck!

~kim

Re: Should I tell the Pdoc & Therapist
Posted by KAT on Mon Feb 4 23:36:00 2002 (#13899)

Hello there, I personally think it is in your best intrest to tell your Pdoc and your therapist and maybe even some of the people that are close to you. It is difficult to stop cutting once you've started on a path of destruction, but with all those peoples help it can be a lot easier. I hope things for you work out for the best. take care love KAT

Only Child?
Posted by manniqueen Of Depression on Mon Feb 4 23:03:33 2002 (#13895)

hey i dont know if this has come up before but it seems to be only children that often suffer from depression, or people who have spent a lot of time alone. i am an only child, just wanted to know how many of you are or if im just talking out my arse! :)

thanx, gems xx

Re: Only Child?
Posted by kim on Mon Feb 4 23:06:48 2002 (#13896)

hey

i have an older brother but he moved out awhile ago, so its almost like i am an only child

the thing is, is that i like being alone most of the time. i love being with all my friends, and depending on my mood i might want to be around my mom. but usually i just like to be all by myself

Re: Only Child?
Posted by cindy on Mon Feb 4 23:30:03 2002 (#13897)

the opposite is true for me-I have so little idenitity in my family-I'm utterly absorbed into a mess of siblings and step siblings and stuff-could be a cause of depression I suppose-turned me into a bit of a recluse-escape teh din and all that. take care. cindy xox

Re: Only Child?
Posted by KAT on Mon Feb 4 23:40:47 2002 (#13900)

hhmmm..I dunno, that might be true, if so I'm a special case. I've been depressed so much of my life, I look back now and it hurts to think about what a great childhood I wasted being sad and beat up. I have 2 brothers and both my mom and dad..and I actually enjoy being alone, soo alone. sometimes it is discouraging but mainly I love being by myself and doing things on my own. Sorry I know this has not a thing to do with your post. take care hun love ya -KAT

Re: Only Child?
Posted by rabbit on Tue Feb 5 01:20:13 2002 (#13905)

I'm the youngest of 4 and we're all fucked. Of course, I was raised almost an only child because of the huge age difference, so maybe there's something to it.

Re: Only Child?
Posted by zandra on Tue Feb 5 02:15:34 2002 (#13910)

i have a younger brother but he's like the center of my families world. he's done drugs and he smokes marijuana and smokes but my parents still love him like he was their little baby price. god i hate that butme and him don't talk much. we used to but when i go to high school last year we broke apart. so it kind of seems like i;m an only child because i don't talk/see him much. i just hear of him and when i do i'm like who oh yea you mean that other kid who lives in the same house as me. he gets the upstairs while i live in the basement. i <3 privacy but when i want it i can't have it and viceversa. lol. anyways.... idk if that's what you wanna hear but i just thought i'd write. take care. <3 always zandra

I don't know why!?
Posted by KAT on Tue Feb 5 00:57:53 2002 (#13901)

Today I sat in school and wrote a poem to my very "best friend." We've been through a lot I titled it My best nightmare, I'm sure she'll never get to read it though. Just because I think I'm to scared to give it to her..here it goes:

You've used me more then I ever wanted my boyfriend on your arm you flaunted. You broke my heart and made me cry, every day it was worse, I always wanted to die. Now we try and be friends again, it'll never be the same, I don't think anymore about what we could have been. We let a boy come between, if only the future we could have seen. I'm sure you feel I was in the wrong, but now we sit and hit the bong. Nothing matters anymore, I'm sorry that I called you a whore. My poems are stupid and never writen right, hopefully in the future we'll never have to fight...over someone who was no good from the start, boys shouldn't break friendships apart. Now it's all over and sometimes I still cry, please do this for me- please don't ask me why. Don't ask me why I'm the way I am now , I still cut and still smoke, you'll never know how... how much I hated you at one time in my life you told my mom I cut with a knife. They sent me away while you stayed home everyday. You said you cared yet you wouldn't talk to me , so one day I slit my wrists, hoping to be free. I thought it was over, I thought it would end , yet one day I was still breathing, you wanted to be my friend. The past is over now and we can't go back, yet still today trust and truth we lack. One day if you read this I hope you don't cry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I didn't mean to die.I didn't mean to break your heart, or make you hurt inside. When we were not speaking, I had no one in which I could confide, In. But now days things are still the same, you make me feel like I should have shame. I try to escape these feelings that scream in my head,still some days I wish I were dead. I wish I could tell you all this and know you'll keep my secrets in hiding, but I know if I tell you it'll all lead to more fighting. So you're blonde and you're smart and you're pretty, please move on, forget about me and don't give me your pity. I dont need it, don't want it so you can go on and flaunt it, like you do with your self, I'm still here and still sad, put me back on the shelf. I'm damaged, I'm fucked , I don't need you as a friend, can't you see what I'm doing, don't lend me your hand. At the hardest time in my life, I survived on my own, I don't need friends or companions, I love to be alone. So now I'll end this poem of sorrow , and maybe I will write some more tomorrow. Wether I don't and whether I do, I'll always know that my best friend is YOU! by jkp(KAT)

I know this poem is confusing and very contradicting of itself but it's all a short period of time in my life, about a year and a half or more this hell went on. It still lingers today but Im getting btter love KAT

Re: I don't know why!?
Posted by zandra on Tue Feb 5 02:23:35 2002 (#13911)

hey that was a great poem. i can relate to it in most parts considering my bff is going out with my ex right now and we kinda hate each other and all but she'll always be my bff. that's what they go through right... fights and makeups then more fights. anyways i just wanted to say i loved your poem. keep on writin them. <3 always zandra

Re: I don't know why!?
Posted by Andrew_BP2 on Tue Feb 5 04:07:31 2002 (#13917)

Your poem is incredibly insightful, beautiful. Please share more, I was so honored that you were so open about who you are. Thank You so much!

Andrew

God I hate hospitals!
Posted by Rabbit on Tue Feb 5 01:29:11 2002 (#13906)

My grandmother had a prety massive heart attack and I have spent most of the week at the hospital visiting. I hate hospitals so much. My father died when I was sixteen and before that we practically lived in the hospital. It seemed we were always there. What is going on with my grandmother is really bringing me back to the last few years with my father. It has been a hellish week. Grrr... I don't know what to say.

By the way, Dawn posted a bit ago that "miss stupid ass" may be one of my alters, and although I responded to her post, I wanted to repeat myself because so many messages have been posted since. I am 100% sure that No One in my system has anything to do with the messages posted under that name. I am really screwed up and have a major psycological disorder, but even I am not that sick.

Re: God I hate hospitals!
Posted by KAT on Tue Feb 5 02:15:28 2002 (#13909)

Rabbit, I am so sorry that your grandmother is ill...and I wasn't aware that your father died when you were at such a young age. Thats got to be hard, I dont know what its like but my mothers father died when she was 13 and shes told me a lot about that. I hate hospitals too..yet they bring me comfort, I have no idea why. Take care...your problems compared to mine make me look back on the things Ive dealt with in my life and they dont seem as bad, yet I know we all deal with things in many different ways. again take care, you'll get through this I hope. Best of luck to you and your family. *hugs* love ya much -KAT

I'm back, sort of!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Feb 5 02:35:23 2002 (#13914)

Hey everyone, Just wanted to let you know that I haven't forgotten anyone. I live in Oklahoma and last week we had a severe ice storm come through our part of the state and we lost all electrical power. I'm only here now cause we're at my husbands sisters house about 13 miles away where they have lights and hot water!!!!!!!!! I'll try to get on a little bit each night but this computer is really slow! Welcome to all the newcomers here as I've read some of the posts. I'll be back in full force when I get power back to my house. till then, everyone take care and I'm thinking about all of you every night and hoping you're okay. Love ya all, Rhonda

Re: I'm back, sort of!
Posted by KAT on Tue Feb 5 03:45:01 2002 (#13916)

Rhonda, it sounds scary up there with a huge storn like that and all.. I hope things clam down for ya up there. Im thinking about you, and Tara. I hope you both stay safe in wehatever situations you come across..There is supposed to be ice and snow here tomorrow in TX. but I doubt it'll happen. stay warm love ya -KAT!

Re: I'm back, sort of!
Posted by Rabbit on Tue Feb 5 21:47:02 2002 (#13924)

You and Tara stay safe and warm, because you are much loved and needed here.

Took Your Advice
Posted by Andrew_BP2 on Tue Feb 5 04:14:39 2002 (#13918)

I took your advice and called my therapist and pdoc today. Therapist didnt get mad or go crazy, I will see him in 2 days, he asked me not to cut until then, I said I couldnt promise, he understood. He said he was going to get me into some kind of weekly class for people who cut or SI, its 6 months long. Anyone hear about this?? Anyway, thanx to all here, I truly do LOVE all of you. You are so kind and gentle towards me. I have felt so ashamed, like total crap, you folks have made these last 3 days much more bearable. For this I am truly thankful!! Bless All Of You Here 4ever!!

Andrew

Re: Took Your Advice
Posted by manniqueen of depression on Tue Feb 5 15:32:41 2002 (#13920)

:) im happy that we could help, im also glad i found this site coz its a place to talk to people who understand and stuff. hope your class will help, although i havent heard of that before? take care

gems xx

Re: Took Your Advice
Posted by Nuni on Tue Feb 5 20:16:06 2002 (#13921)

I onkly do what others here have done for me. God bless! Nuni

Re: Took Your Advice
Posted by Nuni on Tue Feb 5 20:16:22 2002 (#13922)

I only do what others here have done for me. God bless! Nuni

Re: Took Your Advice
Posted by zandra on Wed Feb 6 00:53:49 2002 (#13927)

i am truly glad you told someone. it's something i could never do. i'm glad you have guts to do that. can i borrow some sumtime. lol. j/k. but seriously i'm proud of you and i wish you the very best of luck. good job. take care. <3 always zandra

facepicking
Posted by kdmlm on Tue Feb 5 05:29:07 2002 (#13919)

anybody mirror junkies out there?first time emailer needs in commoner.

Re: facepicking
Posted by KAT on Wed Feb 6 01:48:08 2002 (#13928)

There are two reasons why I used to carry a mirror with me everywhere I went. Not sure if you can relate to this though.. 1. I was depressed and would uses broken pieces from it to slice myself. 2. I was into some "bad" drugs in the past..mirror helped me with it. not sure if this is what you're looking for.. but best of luck to you anyway love KAT

Re: facepicking
Posted by kdmlm on Fri Feb 8 05:32:17 2002 (#13948)

thank you for your response!!new computer,have spent past few days trying to get back to this site!! Have come to accept (w/counseling) that i pick my body , mostly my face. i thought it was learned. Still have scars from mom as a child. Past includes the various"bad drugs", bad "attempts", but now i find i'm a mother and a grown up, and i can see that all parntal lessons are not to be passed down. i have broken generations of certain family cycles.i credit that. i just get stuck in the one cycle that i can' escape. again, thank you for leaving me a message. let's do mail again? kdmlm

Re: facepicking
Posted by KAT on Fri Feb 8 23:35:32 2002 (#13954)

Hello, I'm glad you found your way back here. I understand when you say the cycle of the family generations. I think I know one of the cycles your talking about, maybe Im wrong. Child abuse, it was a big part of my childhood and I have come to know that when me and my two brothers start having babies we will unfortunatly almost surely do the same thing our parents did to us to them. I really badly would like to break the cycle, and Im glad you have done this for yourself. Its a huge accomplishment, Im sure you know. Take care of yourself and dont give up on your progress. Id like to mail you love- KAT

chemistry
Posted by *me* on Tue Feb 5 22:13:05 2002 (#13925)

Side note - I hate chemistry. Point of this post: Anyone currently in chem? Remember chem? Yeah, I've been meaning to post this for a while but I forgot. The measurement system used (or at least my book uses) is called the SI system! It stands for System International (in French). Anyway, it freaks me out because whenever we talk about it in class I'm afraid my teacher is going to call on me and instead of saying "the SI measurement" or "system international" I'm going to say "self injury." Yeah, I know I'm weird and paranoid. But I just thought I'd share.

Re: chemistry
Posted by KAT on Wed Feb 6 01:51:39 2002 (#13929)

hi there, lol..sorry don't mean to laugh at your fear but I know exactly what you mean. This is my first year in chemistry..and It's kinda difficult, but my teacher is easy so that helps. I know what you mean about that "SI" thing..thats so wierd, I know. Don't be afraid of it, I'm sure your teacher has no intentions on exposing you.. heh take care hunny love KAT

Re: chemistry
Posted by confused on Thu Feb 7 08:12:58 2002 (#13934)

ihave the same thing going on with me in aot of classes. when ever someone uses the word cut or a word that has cut in it like execute first i feel like i need to cut and then i feel as if everyone is looking at me knowing what im thinking.

Re: chemistry
Posted by ChrisE on Thu Feb 7 19:01:15 2002 (#13938)

Hate chemistry? What blasphemy is this??? My chosen profession, insulted on message boards... I'm crushed... ;-)

Re: chemistry
Posted by Blue on Fri Feb 8 01:49:08 2002 (#13944)

I hate chemistry too.

You're just weird. tee hee :)

love xxx

LOL Chris!!
Posted by *me* on Sun Feb 10 22:09:05 2002 (#13962)

Perhaps I wouldn't hate it so much if the teacher I got stuck with didn't have a reputation for being the cruelest teacher in the school. And also if the Bunsen burner didn't REALLY freak me out. LOL.

Anyways, Chris, nice to see ya back on the board! :-) Be prepared for me to come a' calling when I'm hopelessly lost in chem now, though! hehehehe.

Lots of love!

I'm new here. Second time posting.
Posted by Blades on Wed Feb 6 21:45:00 2002 (#13932)

Do any of you see yourselves not cutting? If so what does that PIC look like? What I mean is will you be more evenly balanced with your emotions or can you even see past cutting. Has cutting become an addication or is it an attempt with every slice. For me personaly it was a little bit of both. I could not see any future past cutting ecxcept to cut more. That's all I wanted to do until people around me feared every second I was alive because they thought I was going to cut a vein or major artery. I started realizing that there are reasons to stop. If not for myself for the people who love me. Those who still cut and post on this site I hope you all realize that there are so many people who care and love you. Just scroll up and down on this page and you'll see. I pray that someday soon the pain that you all are going through can get worked out in a positive way because cutting is only a quick fix to the problem/s that are deep in side. Please take care of yourseleves you'e all in my prayers.

little dreams
Posted by none on Thu Feb 7 03:41:49 2002 (#13933)

There she is, the little that haunts my dreams and follows me in the day. No one else can see her and we share an unexplainable bond. She's sitting in her dark corner humming and rocking. As I look at her something in her hand flashes brilliantly and blinds me for a moment. It's a razor, I start to scream, cry I tell her to stop that it's ok. Her face twisted in agony looks up and I feel her unbearable pain, anger in every curve of my body. I stop the crying, the screaming, the useless comands. Quickly, silently she cuts away her flesh and as the chunks fall away leaving the white fat underneath her skin exposed and as the dark red with that slight metallic taste begins to well up her faces loses all it's tension. She stands up running down her arms, dripping off her finger tips she walks up and hands me the blade. I take it and release myself from the chains that hold me in myself. For those minutes I'm free.

Re: little dreams
Posted by The person on Thu Feb 7 20:39:05 2002 (#13939)

wow love and support xxx

proud
Posted by confused on Thu Feb 7 09:53:19 2002 (#13935)

i just went for my nightly run and it was really hard. all i have eaten today was a piece of steak for dinner and i really had no enegry when i got to the end i was really tierd and sleepy and felt as if i was going to faint so coz i was like two minutes from a dariy i figured id go get my fave choc bar (mars bar) but then i had this whole rush of feelings come over me about trying to make myself fatter so id be unhappier and eating three or four and then vomiting and even taking a laxitve and then i ythought no ill just get some sugar free chewing gum and that will be better ill be proud of myself but then i thought i dont want to be proud i dont want to be skinny i dont want to be happpy so i stayed there for abou 20mins deciding what to do and i eventually just decided id walk up there and just buy what i picked. i picked the chewing gum. and i felt fat and lazy and still so very very hungry.

My opinion about life!
Posted by rovi on Thu Feb 7 15:35:02 2002 (#13936)

LIFE SUCKS !! especially today. Vicky.

*pats yer nose and gives you a stuffed kitty*
Posted by Raven on Thu Feb 7 16:59:50 2002 (#13937)

I'm all sorts sorry? Curl up under a blanket with a stuffie and take a nap? Things won't be bad forever? and you can all rant and rave if you want to?

Re: My opinion about life!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Feb 8 03:19:33 2002 (#13945)

Hey Vicky, Sorry you're having a bad day. I hope tomorrow is better for you. I'll say a prayer for you. Email me if you want to talk. Take care. Love, Rhonda

nasty scars forever?
Posted by Dillinja on Thu Feb 7 21:59:07 2002 (#13940)

Hi folks, I'm new to this site, and am finding it refreshing to meet other people who do what I do (I've been cutting my shoulders and upper arms with razor blades for about a year). Older, deeper cuts have left bright red scars on my pale white english skin. Will these fade to white eventually? (Where are you guys from? I don't want to pry or anything, I'm just curious).

Re: nasty scars forever?
Posted by Erin on Thu Feb 7 22:04:38 2002 (#13941)

I cut in the same area and some of mine turn white. but sometimes they turn brite red or even purple like when I'm cold.

I'm from ohio by the way

Re: nasty scars forever?
Posted by Erryn on Sun Feb 24 02:03:38 2002 (#14365)

I love cutting, I have so many scars, i can't count them all. My co-workers think I have a very vicous cat, boy are they naive or am I. I feel so better after I cut.

I'm also from Ohio

Re: nasty scars forever?
Posted by Cristal on Sat Mar 2 23:53:53 2002 (#14633)

hey I have bee cutting for almost 15 months. I cut my arms,legs,stomach,wrists. I cut with whatever I can.

Re: nasty scars forever?
Posted by zandra on Thu Feb 7 22:13:27 2002 (#13942)

hi. i cut on my right forearm and wrists and stomach and legs. i hate shorts so it's ok to cut there. my scars turn white and they turn purple and red when it's cold out. yurs may do the same thing. i'm from massachusetts. hope you find comfort here. <3 always zandra

Re: nasty scars forever?
Posted by KAT on Thu Feb 7 23:34:34 2002 (#13943)

Hi , welcome here.. I am very pale as well..and the scars that I have have turned from a dark deep purple red color over time to a very un noticeable light pink-very white lines . Some though on my legs are still very pink and purplish after a long time, so Im pretty sure its got something to do with where on your body they are. If you are trying to faid them they sell wonderful creams like vitamin a and coco butter that makes the scars less noticeable. take care love KAT

Re: nasty scars forever?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Feb 8 03:22:52 2002 (#13946)

Welcome to the board! My daughter's scars have faded to a pale white. You can't really see them unless you're looking for them. We're both from Oklahoma.Take care. Love,Rhonda

Re: nasty scars forever?
Posted by jaicee on Fri Feb 8 07:49:04 2002 (#13950)

mine turned slightly white..unfortunately I have a tan.. so that makes it more noticable you know. I just want to share something with you... I was 16 when I did my first mutilation and I am now 28. I have a beautiful family... GOD blessed me with 2 beautiful little girls. Unfortunately, my baby wrote across her arms, like slits you know, and said she wanted to be just like Mama. I don't know if you have any children, but it's more painful when your little baby does it herself because she loves and looks up to you and wants to be just like you. My girls constantly ask me what happened and I come up with the lamest excuse. I always want to be honest to the people I love... but my stupidity from the past is now catching up to me... please do not self mutilate ... I have been there and i understand how self mutilation is relieving...it's only a temporary relief. but you will have the scar for life to remind you. I myself am in desperate search of a plastic surgeon who can "fix" my scars. This is not something I want my babies to remember. I wish you all the luck in recovery!

Re: nasty scars forever?
Posted by manniqueen of depression on Fri Feb 8 16:48:24 2002 (#13951)

what you said about your children wanting to copy you, it almost made me cry. im glad you were able to stop. i have been cutting for about 5 months. i have raised pinkish scars on my arm and wrist. im hoping they will fade but i know they wont go completely. i guess its my fault for doing it in the first place. despite that i know i will carry on, at least for now. perhaps in the future things will get better, but i cannot visualise the future because i dont see anything, all i can do is dwell on the past. i dont want to die, but living is so hard. yesterday i carved 'freak' into my arm and was strangling myself with a chain until i almost black out, thats when i stop for some reason. im glad you got through it! :)

Gems xx

Re: nasty scars forever?
Posted by Amanda on Sat Feb 16 21:09:24 2002 (#14095)

Could someone please enlighten me why people would cut themselves and self-mutilate themselves to such degrees? I just don't understand the madness behind the method.

Til the day I die.
Posted by Beautiful Loser on Sat Feb 23 05:29:00 2002 (#14354)

It's not often that I come to this site, I've posted under a lot of names ...

Anyway, my opinion is that, people have this evil standard that their bodies are suppose to be spotless, if not, then with tasteful tattoos. I've always adored my scars. My whole left arm is full of them. I shouldn't hate who I am, I only hate what I feel, which eventually leads to cutting, burning, ect, ect, ect. Which, leads to who I am. You know?

Anyway, I love my scars and I wouldn't trade them for the more beautiful body which meets people's stands ... in the whole world ... I hope that makes sense.

Beautiful Loser.

Re: Til the day I die.
Posted by DiStUrBdFrEaK on Fri Mar 1 00:23:19 2002 (#14552)

I totally agree with everything u have just said and i feel EXACTLY the same way! U tell it how it is man. Happy mutilation xxx

Re: Til the day I die.
Posted by frozen tears on Mon Mar 11 22:52:42 2002 (#15010)

hey beautiful loser. ive nvr been here b4 but ur msg was the 1st one i read. i was drawn to your name. and your message was just as beautiful and truthful as i thought it would be. where would we be without our scars. they remind us of what we have been through and how far we have travelled to get there. although i am ashamed of my scars i could not be without them. i like to look at them. they are who i am and they are the most honest thing about me. i want to leave you with a piece of writing of mine... the hours continue in the inevitable way that they will forever in the same way that my scars will never fade as new pain covers old pain to make sure the memories never go away i hear a soft whimper a tear down my cheek the salt stings my heart. its from the water i leak. you dont know the earth shattering beauty of the spillage of your own blood how can you? its okay. none of the living know.

take care. xxx

Re: ::sigh::
Posted by Jasmine on Tue Mar 12 02:59:53 2002 (#15033)

I have cut myself for almost 3 years now, this is not really something im proud of,and I don't like doing, and I don't like the thought of doing it. When im not upset I always say to myself I am not going to ever do it agian, but the first time something bad happens that I can't deal with I cut myself. This makes me feel better, because I can handle physical pain a lot more than I can stand emotional pain. I don't tell people cause Im embarrassed. Everyone thinks im this happy go lucky girl ... Little do they know .. eh? I just thought that I would say ... Cutting myself isnt something I look foward to, and for those of you that say you like to do it ... Well, I dont know. I would like NOT to do it!

Re: ::sigh::
Posted by frozen tears on Tue Mar 12 18:22:17 2002 (#15061)

hi. its froen tears. you replied to my post. im not gettin at u now but i would like to explain something. where did i once say that i enjoyed cutting myself? i actually said i was ashamed of what i do. and i am. what i meant was i like the feeling when i cut. it makes me feel better. turns my internal pain into something physical that i can concentrate on. i need my scars. it shows me how far i have come. and that i am still here. cutting is a part of me. i cant cry. it is my release. i am not proud of it atall. infact only 1 person knows. but it is who i am. i accept that. hope u understand what i meant a little bvit better now.x.

Re: ::sigh::
Posted by frozen tears on Tue Mar 12 18:24:04 2002 (#15062)

Re: nasty scars forever?
Posted by she (again) on Tue Mar 5 19:16:01 2002 (#14731)

To the person who said that they didnt understand Please dont judge n e one your in know position to do so

Re: nasty scars forever?
Posted by Amanda on Mon Mar 11 05:43:41 2002 (#14978)

I'm not judging anyone. I just think that it's pointless and a waste of a beautiful body that was a gift. If you think that I'm judging in any way than your assumptions of what you are doing is self-convicting.

new umm "tools"
Posted by Danielle on Sat Mar 23 18:22:21 2002 (#15652)

well, never thought i would find this many ppl who do what i do, i tried stopping, thats a bunch of BS, i am tired of life...oh well, anyone know anything that is really good to cut with? my knifes are boring me, thanks a bunch...Danielle

Re: new umm "tools"
Posted by jennyfer on Mon Mar 25 02:18:04 2002 (#15708)

well i personally recommend taking apart one of those shaver things and using the blade...it's quick to draw blood and if u hold it the right way it cuts deep...and u have easy access to it...

Re: nasty scars forever?
Posted by Dillinja on Sat Feb 9 21:43:31 2002 (#13957)

Thanks for the response guys. Most of my cuts have become pale and hardly noticable as described, its only the deeper, nastier ones which are raised and red looking. These aren't really a problem since I never allow people to see me without a shirt anyway, because I have a terrible body which I really hate (Ironically, the only part of my body I don't despise is my arms and shoulders, which I'm now making as ugly as the rest). These last few days I've been checking out all the fascinating online self injury resources for the first time, and its given me a lot of comfort and hope. This message board has been particularly useful, now I'm really starting to feel this is something I could, with a bit of work, stop doing forever. Once again, thank you all. I'll be checking the board every few days from now on, and if anyone feels like e-mailing me, I'd love to hear from you.

Re: nasty scars forever?
Posted by fallenstar on Sat Mar 9 08:53:22 2002 (#14893)

I stopped cutting just under a year ago and now have a beautiful baby boy. Your post made me cry, mainly because i thought of my baby cutting himself one day. I think that thought alone will make sure i never relapse. Thank you so much for sharing.

hugs and love heather

Re: nasty scars forever?
Posted by Steph on Sun Mar 17 04:49:05 2002 (#15297)

I have two young daughters as well. They don't even ask what happened to my arms anymore. They are used to always seeing my arms cut up.

I want to stop, but can't. Is there anyone else trying to stop? How are you doing?

Re: nasty scars forever?
Posted by jen on Sat Feb 9 23:57:56 2002 (#13958)

hi my scars turned pale white but the sucky part is that i have olive colored skin (i am italian) so it shows really bad on my arm so i never wear short sleeved shirts i am from illinois it!

Will any of it fade?
Posted by SLH on Mon Feb 25 21:57:44 2002 (#14430)

Scissors, blade, knieves, staplers, anything I can find. I sometimes wish I could cut all the bad out. Maybe I'm just making an opening to let it all in....

Re: Will any of it fade?
Posted by kerri on Tue Feb 26 03:54:52 2002 (#14440)

Scars will fade, it's the memories that will live on torturing us

Beauty of Scars
Posted by tugboat on Tue Feb 26 04:36:46 2002 (#14443)

This is my first time in the forum but I have been a self-injurer for many years without even knowing it. I'm finally starting therapy and try to unearth the terrrible memories that i tried to cover up with scars. In someways however, i think i've re-written my childhood to the extent that without the scars i'd probably never admit i went through any pain.

self-injury is a coping mechanism. there is no doubt in my mind that it probably produces a chemical responce in the brain which is why we feel relief after a self-violent episode.

i'm now 24 and realizing how difficult this behavior is to explain to friends and family. well my family still doesn't know which is funny b/c i thought coming out was going to be the hardest thing to do but admit i mutilate myself. that is worse. the reason i can see that know is that i can only imagine how i would feel if my child told me the same. it was deeply moved by jaicee's story of her daughter carving her arm to 'be like mom.' gasp!

often i rationalize my behavior by explaining it as a medicine, form of temporary relief, fetish, what have you, but in reality its (for me) nothing more than self-hate, frustration and misplaced anger. it surprizes even me to what extent i'll go to be mean to me when i know from personal experience i am all i have.

i'm glad to participate in this forum b/c i might be leaning towards continuing my behavior but i am also actively pursuing an answer to why i do it. hopefully when i find that answer i'll no longer get to the point where i feel there is no other solution but to beat the living daylights out of myself.

good luck to everyone and i look forward to exchanging ideas with you.

Re: Beauty of Scars
Posted by Teufelfrau on Tue Feb 26 05:38:39 2002 (#14449)

Hello everybody,

why are we kidding ourself, it is not pretty to look at. I started cutting (Blade, scissor, glas) when I was about 15, I am 15 now, and trust me, my arms look like I fell into a bunch of broken bottles, so do my likes, in the meantime, they look more like white lines, some of them bigger than others, but it is getting bettern, exept the ones on my hands hurt every now and then. Let me tell you something, I also came up with the best storys about them, my little girl is asking me about them, and it is so hard to tell her a lie. It hurts me, but the really scary part is, that the time is coming closer, the urge is coming in stronger and I am gettin scared, because everytime I did it, it got worser, I had to top the last one, and the bad part is, it did not help, hello, wake up, all of you, we all sit in the same boat, It hurts inside, we cant stop it, we can feel anything, what is the solution?

Re: Beauty of Scars
Posted by Beautiful Loser on Fri Mar 1 00:21:54 2002 (#14551)

I posted this, but I don't think anyone read it ..... I added some to it.

My opinion is that, people have this evil standard that their bodies are suppose to be spotless, if not, then with tasteful tattoos. I've always adored my scars. My whole left arm is full of them. Some are huge and streched and I still love them. Some are dark and red and some even lighter than my skin. I shouldn't hate who I am, I only hate what I feel, which eventually leads to cutting, burning, ect, ect, ect. Which, leads to who I am. You know?

Anyway, I love my scars and I wouldn't trade them for the more beautiful body which meets people's stands ... in the whole world ... I hope that makes sense.

"we show our scars to show where we come from"

self-harm
Posted by laura (aged 13) on Thu Mar 14 20:20:41 2002 (#15174)

im 13 years old and my dads really mean to me.... he's cheating on my mam.....so almost a year ago i started cutting my arms....one day in art at skool when i had to take my blaer off to do clay work i tried my best to cover up the cuts but one of my friends noticed....they told me to wait for them at the end of the lesson and so i did.... at the end of the lesson she asked me what i'd done..i cried and explained it to her and she cried too and made me promise never to do it agen and so i promised... but about a month later i started cutting my arms again but this time because i thought my parents had found something out about me something i really didnt want them to know bcoz i was afraid of how the'd react... this thing i didnt want them to know was that im lesbian. id told a few friends about this but i was never ready to tell my parents.... my friends found out again... its so hard to hide the marks at skool wen u hav to wear a t-shirt to do indoor Pe.......after that my best friend started avoiding me a bit and not talking to me. i asked her about this and she sed it was so she didnt get too atached to me bcoz she's afraid of losing me...ive cut my arms for various reasons since then but lately sum how sum1 else has found out that im lesbian and has spread it round the whole skool... loads of ppl are giving me a really hard time because of it and are calling me names and making fun of me and stuff....ive started arguing with my friends more over this because they say its stupid an how can cutting ur arms make u feel better wen all it dus is cause more pain... ive tried explaining to them that it dus help with the pain... but they wont listen and ive lost a few friends because of it.. i really dont know what to do anymore... im only 13 and already ive self-harmed and attempted suicide.... i just want all the pain to stop.....dus ne1 know wot i shud do????

im hurting so many people
Posted by sara on Sun Mar 17 15:13:07 2002 (#15325)

my family have just recently found out about me cutting myself and they are hurting so much. i feel so helpless-i dont know how to help them because i dont know how to help myself.my mum is finding it so hard to cope, my dad just chooses to ignore it because he doesnt understand it and my brother is being as prcatical as he knows how.i really wnat to get better but dont know how x

Re: im hurting so many people
Posted by She on Sun Mar 17 21:16:28 2002 (#15334)

Hiya I kinda know what its like sweety .Its hard anought to be brave for yourself let alone ne one else huh. It will be hard for a while but you'r Very lucky that they cear about you . You could try to include them in your healing , they will probably heal with you. Good luck Love ya loads She

Re: im hurting so many people
Posted by claire on Mon Mar 25 00:46:24 2002 (#15703)

hi im new here and I feel the same way. I hav been cutting and overdosing on OTC medication for about 3 years now, and I used to think it was only my problem and how i feel about myself I didn't think it would effect all my family. I don't know how to stop either 2 months is my maximum i can't cope after that. luv claire XxX

self-harm
Posted by laura (aged 13) on Thu Mar 14 20:20:54 2002 (#15175)

Laura

Re: self-harm
Posted by eleanor on Thu Mar 14 20:40:16 2002 (#15177)

oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. people suck, I know that for sure. They're so closed minded about things that don't really matter. Nobody should be awful to you because of your sexuality, you're still the same person that you always were. On here we're all trying to make the pain go away, whatever that pain may be. I understand that cutting does help with the pain. I cut as well. I'm so glad you came on this site. there are some lovely lovely people here and they all care and will be willing to help you. If you wangt to talk to me about ANYTHING my e-mail address is at the top of this message, or you can always talk to me on here. take care honey. lots of love, el x x

How do you hide them?
Posted by collegegirl on Sun Mar 17 05:01:00 2002 (#15298)

I have to wear long sleeves all the time to hide my scars on my wrists. I have tried cutting in other places, but it's not the same. How do you hide your scars? Is there anywhere else you recommend cutting?

Re: How do you hide them?
Posted by liverpoolfc on Fri Mar 22 00:13:50 2002 (#15590)

By cutting ourselves we have to face the consequences. I wear long sleeves as well but people are always suspicious. Theres no way to hide it.

Re: nasty scars forever?
Posted by monica on Fri Mar 1 02:05:57 2002 (#14564)

I been cutting on myself for 2 years and everytime I cut on myself it make the pain go away and it also hurt people to see me do this to my body but I don't care because their the one who sent me away for a year and 4 month so I am going to cut on myself intil all the pain is away some of my older scar faded but some had stayed

Re: nasty scars forever?
Posted by Monica on Fri Mar 1 05:00:46 2002 (#14576)

I am a 17 year old girl I start cutting on myself when I was 15 I was always depress intil I start cutting it made me happy I got some scar that last 2 years but my newers one I think there not going to last so I keep doing it I cut on my arms, legs, and stomach

Re: nasty scars forever?
Posted by Dillinja on Wed Mar 6 15:57:36 2002 (#14773)

Wow, such a lot of messages in this thread! I'm honoured. Hello everyone, and thanks for your contributions, and the occasional e-mail. Just wanted to tell you something... I rent a room in a big, student-style house, and last week I exposed some unpleasant scars on my shoulder by accident after a shower. One of the girls living there saw! Yikes! She didn't say anything, but later on she came to talk to me. She asked why they were there, but I was a bit embarrassed about telling her. She then guessed for herself, suspiciously quickly in my opinion. She told me she did it too! We spent ages talking about it and comparing wounds. its great having somebody around who understands! Anything like this happened to anyone else?

Re: nasty scars forever?
Posted by Milly on Wed Mar 6 22:56:06 2002 (#14804)

I just found out that a girl I know had been cutting her forearms with butcher type knives. The scars are horribly pink and purple. And when I saw them i wanted to gag. She thinks they are soo cool. But I thought that this was something people prefer to hide, they keep it all bundled up and to themselves. Her mom had found out what she was doing, so she took a butcher knife and began slashing at her arms, right in front of her mom. Which made me even more worried, when I herd this. I don't know how she's feeling and why she would do this. She has the perfect boyfriend, and the perfect body.

-confused?

Re: nasty scars forever?
Posted by fallenstar on Sat Mar 9 09:06:29 2002 (#14894)

Just because someones life looks perfect from someone elses point of view doesnt mean they are happy. Self injury is coping mechanism so in someway they arent coping with everything, usually to do with depression or other psychological problems. If your worried try talking to her or just being there for her when she needs.

hugs and love heather

Does this count?
Posted by krispy on Thu Mar 7 00:53:21 2002 (#14809)

I dont know if what i do is actually self injury. I scratch myself on purpose to feel the pain but i dont know if I should consider this SI. Sometimes its deep scratching and other times the cut runs deep enough to draw a little bit of blood. I treasure those times althogh I know im not suppose to. Ive told 4 people and they want me to stop cuz it might get worse but I dont want to. I dont know if what im doing is SI.

Re: nasty scars forever?
Posted by Amanda on Tue Mar 12 20:29:44 2002 (#15066)

Hi everyone! Well I've been cutting myself for about a year and a half already. It's cool to finally know how people feel about the things that they do it makes me feel wanted and not neglected by others because they think I'm a freak or something. I cut myself with a blade on my arms,m lower stomach, and thighs. The scaring is still there! I would really like to talk to someone who has my same problem as me that will be really cool!!

response to all
Posted by confused on Wed Mar 13 11:39:06 2002 (#15098)

ok first thing amanda ill email you soon

second krispy yes it does count and it will most like get worse if you do nothing.

in response to the girl who knew a girl who did it on her forarm who showed it off and who had the 'perfect life'. some people get so sick of hiding it and hiding it makes them so unhappy that they give up and show anyone, sometimes to scare people off. i dont know about this girl in particular but with me and my friends i have what they would considor a perfect life. my parents are still together and he love me. we arent poor and can afford school books and i can go to the movies. i have never been molestred, raped, abused, i dont have parents or family members that are alcoholics or drug addicts, my parents or sibling havent died ect... and they have had al these horrible things happen to them and i have nothing. well whta happens if i want to be upset if i want to cry but how can i cry about mum grounding me that weekend when sally or jenni just got raped my their step dad again. so what did i go and do i invented problems. being perfect is a big strain.

Re: nasty scars forever?
Posted by Emmy on Thu Mar 14 01:51:40 2002 (#15147)

Some of my shallower cuts, the ones I made when I was more afraid, they turned white, and some you cant even see at all unless I hold my wrists up to the light and move them around, because then you can see the light reflecting on the smooth scar tissue. Deeper ones are always pink. Ive been doing it for about 2 years now, and I live in Canada.

question
Posted by Lindsay on Fri Mar 15 00:05:32 2002 (#15185)

What is the most common way of suicide????

Why do you guys cut yourselfs?
Posted by Crystal on Fri Mar 15 00:26:02 2002 (#15187)

i need these answeres for a report for school dont think i am dumb i just want to help

Re: Why do you guys cut yourselfs?
Posted by wallflower on Fri Mar 15 03:37:57 2002 (#15203)

My reasons for cutting are ever-changing. Sometimes it's for punnishment for something I've done that I feel horrible about. For example I have a huge scar on my arm because I dumped my boyfriend of five months. I've also cut for feeling. I mean, if I feel emotionally numb it's kind of a way to see that I'm still here and can still feel. Good luck on your report.

Re: Why do you guys cut yourselfs?
Posted by liverpoolfc on Fri Mar 22 00:11:47 2002 (#15589)

Icut because I hurt on the inside and it is my way of dealing with it. I cut because I hurt other people. I cut because I do good and I cut because I do bad. It is never ending cycle.

Re: Why do you guys cut yourselfs?
Posted by Roo on Fri Mar 15 04:54:25 2002 (#15209)

When I first started c*tting,it was because there was so much pressure in my brain. I just had to release it somehow. But now, I do it as a form of punishment. There is always a negative tape running in my head telling me how I should be doing things better: being nicer to people, being more productive at work, eating less. C*tting helps me keep myself in line when I misbehave and don't live up to my standards.

Re: Why do you guys cut yourselfs?
Posted by confused on Fri Mar 15 06:19:38 2002 (#15213)

i cut or used to to deal with stuff mostly bad stuff sometimes good stuff some people cry some yell some drink do drugs and i cut and itgives me a release a thing to feel other than what i am feeling. i too sometimes cut to punish my self but it just becomes an adiction that you cant stop i think you gt addicted to the painkiller drug that you body releases and the adrellain before you do it.

Re: Why do you guys cut yourselfs?
Posted by Cat on Fri Mar 15 22:53:47 2002 (#15242)

Hey crysal, self harming can sometimes be very hard to understand personall i cut my selff because i reach the stage of extreme pain when i feel like im going to explode the only way that deals with that is by cutting and when u first start doing it it becomes your only way out i also do it because of self hatred of y selff because i was abused and i have so much hate and disgust with my self and body. i am now looking at it though and finding fifferent ways of dealling with it, if your more inrterested look at them sites or email me on angelstar114@hotmail.com ause im sure i could help

Re: Why do you guys cut yourselfs?
Posted by Emma on Mon Mar 18 15:42:47 2002 (#15371)

hi Crystal, yeah i must agree that was mostly the reasons i used to cut, i havent cut for about 4 months now, and its been the best and sometimes hardest time i've had. I used to feel that if i had done something stupid or behaved in a certain way then my release was to cut, luckily i've now found there are other ways to deal with my feelings, i've turned away from the religion i was kinda forced into and onto the things that i WANT to do such as music and poetry and i find that it now helps, just wanted to say hi really and that you should note that people can and will eventually stop cutting if they want to and if the right opportunity comes along :) Love Emm xx

Re: Why do you guys cut yourselfs?
Posted by star on Mon Mar 18 16:13:26 2002 (#15374)

Hey, emm love you and agree completly hope u and lianne are sooo happy|! love you so much Princess Amz xxx

Re: Why do you guys cut yourselfs?
Posted by Erin Sweeney on Wed Mar 20 02:55:31 2002 (#15516)

It's our way of dealing with things. You might talk about it, but we cut ourselves to find out where the pain is coming from if we can't see it.

Re: Why do you guys cut yourselfs?
Posted by 14yr old on Sat Mar 23 23:02:09 2002 (#15660)

why do you breathe Crystle? coz you need to stay alive... i cut coz i need to stay alive.

Re: nasty scars forever?
Posted by flip on Fri Mar 15 13:58:59 2002 (#15226)

The hardest aspect faced by someone who self injures is copling with and seeing the scars every day. i started with thorns in bushes, then turned to razor blades and now for the past year and a half have only used broken glass, im sure you can imagine the scars on my armes, legs and body, not only to they make me feel ugly, i hate the way that other people see them and categorise me as something i'm not.

Re: nasty scars forever?
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Mar 19 17:33:41 2002 (#15483)

Hi I used to really hate all my scars, just looking at them would make me feel sick, but now Im starting to get used to them, I actually really like the ones on my wrist, But i hate the marks all over my legs. They are messy and disgusting and refuse to heal. Facing what Ive done to myself is hard and I know they will affect me in the future but once I learn to live with those scars and memories, maybe I can learn to live with myself... I dont know, Im probably just being to phylisophical and rambling too much... Broken Girl

Re: nasty scars forever?
Posted by Kelly on Thu Mar 21 08:08:51 2002 (#15567)

Hey, Im in the same department as you except instead of shoulders and upper arms, it is my wrists, veins all over my arms,and just beneath my palm,(where most veins are). Alot of my scars are only noticeable when you bend my arm a certain way to face the light (because they are skin color), but if you tan or something sometimes your scars are noticeablecause they stay a lighter shade, usually they are the same color as your skin. I would be careful though.. I have recently been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder (cutting my wrists).. and it is really serious, I have been so close to death realizing that isn't what I wanted. But I still have become prone to doing this compulsion. Anyways watch where you cut too you could blled so much you have to go to the hospital then they inform the police and your arrested cause its against the law to attempt suicide.

Re: nasty scars forever?
Posted by 14yr old on Sat Mar 23 22:58:21 2002 (#15658)

cut at a angle - it dosnt scar so bad. I'm from Uk - Kent.

a few days, feel like weeks
Posted by mego on Fri Feb 8 03:26:48 2002 (#13947)

i haven't cut in probably about three or four days. it feels like forever. my mom is drunk again. she'd stopped for a couple weeks, which seemed like forever, too. and now all i can think is that i want to cut. one cigarette left to last me tonight and tomorrow. shit. my head feels like its going to explode. two quizzes and two tests tomorrow. i don't know what i'm going to do about that. could get off the computer and study, or get off the computer and have a cigarette. hmmmm... thats a tough decision. sorry, just a lot of bitching, nobody needs to respond, i just cant talk to my friends cause i'm listening to them bitch about their dates to turnabout. at least they have dates. shit. i really have to shut up.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: a few days, feel like weeks
Posted by manniqueen of depression on Fri Feb 8 16:59:35 2002 (#13952)

i guess cutting is kinda like alcoholism? in the way that it can be addictive. my dad said to me to stop cutting and he would try to stop drinking, but i knew he wouldnt. every tuesday he drinks and drinks because thats when he gets money. then he stops when the money runs out, then its the same the next week and the next week. i suppose its a little easier for me because i dont live with him. hey you can bitch here until your hearts content! venting frustration is better than just thinking about it until you go crazy. i cant really talk to friends either, and they end up pissing me off because they talk about so much crap. i seem to be everyones agony aunt. i like helping them, if theyve got a serious problem. but when theyre going on about guys, "i had an argument with my boyfriend coz he didnt dance with me at the club" and stupid shit like that. im just thinking, you dont know what a real problem is if that is what you are moaning about!!

lol, looks like i turned into the bitchy one! oops never mind, anyway i hope you stay strong :)

gems xx

Re: a few days, feel like weeks
Posted by mego on Sat Feb 9 20:03:34 2002 (#13956)

thanks, yeah, my friends are just like that. one of them is just now facing her first real problem. her dad is cheating on her mom and treating the whole family like shit. i dont know what to do about it. i'm gonna get off the computer now so i can call her and see how shes doin and if she wants to stay here tonight. god, i'm so scared for her... i'm just going to try to be there for her and support her throughout this, but i really have no clue what i'm doing.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

i'm back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Tara on Fri Feb 8 22:05:08 2002 (#13953)

hey guys,

i guess my mom told you why we could not get on the computer.well we have power now.we got it back wednsday morning.we went a week without power.it was awful.the whole town was black at night.it was creepy to see nothing but car lights and sometimes i even thought that the lights were spotlights.but we made it all right i guess.me and my boyfriend(justin)lost all of our food that was in the freezer and frig.so enough about me,how are you guys doing.i know that i don't come here that much anymore,but that does not mean i have forgotten you.i think of you guys often.i don't know if mom told you guys,but after going atleast 6 months without cutting,i did it again.3 times i did it.i felt worthless.i can't keep a job and that means that i can't help justin with any of the bills.that makes me feel bad,like he is paying my way through life or something.i like to help with stuff.sure i keep the house clean and all but a lot of times i feel that is not enough.anyway i am sorry that i don't come and say hi to you guys like i should.i hope that you will forgive me for that.well i had better go.i have went on for enough for today.send me some e-mails. i promise that i will write back.see you guys later.

LOVE YA,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

Re: i'm back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by KAT on Fri Feb 8 23:49:28 2002 (#13955)

Hi there Tara Im sorry things arent so great, but it sounds like you have a normal every day life. Troubles you just gotta deal with sometimes. Sounds alright though, take care of yourself..Im thinking about you as well. Your advice and comments are missed here :( but I understand.. life is tough sometimes, gotta do what you gotta do. love you much -KAT
:)

pain
Posted by mego on Sun Feb 10 01:55:45 2002 (#13959)

the word i carved into my skin, "pain", has turned into a scar already. today i was looking at it, and it calmed me down. instead of cutting, i looked at the scar. i traced over it with my finger and thought for a minute about things, and i put my razor away and finished cleaning my room. wow. its a really good feeling, knowing that i can cut, and i want to, but i'm chosing not to. i hope everyone who can't feel this right now gets to sometime soon. i love you guys. send me some mail if you ever need to talk. if you're on aol, put me on your buddy list, my screen name is megox182x. i just need to talk. i'm like that.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: pain
Posted by Linda on Sun Feb 10 03:07:03 2002 (#13960)

Meg....I added you to my aol messenger....I am Svdbygs2341 but am only on there occasionally. Hope to see you sometime.

Re: pain
Posted by KAT on Sun Feb 10 04:49:37 2002 (#13961)

Yes, I also added you. I'd like to talk sometime. I know what you mean with the being able to not cut when you really want to, it's a very powerful feeling, unfortunatly for me this night I wasn't able to feel the powerful feeling. I gave in. take care -Kat

Re: pain
Posted by zandra on Mon Feb 11 20:30:10 2002 (#13972)

i know how you feel. if i look at my scars that say i hate life then i calm down and realize i don't want to cut today. i put you on my bl. that'd be cool to talk to someone who's goin through the same type of thing i am. my sn is sassycggurl. if you ever need to talk just im me if i'm on. <3 always zandra

Re: pain
Posted by Nuni on Mon Feb 11 22:55:47 2002 (#13978)

Hi Mego, I use to carve words on my skin too. I still have HATE on my stomach and that was over a year ago. A lot of times the words we choose are associated with what we are experiencing. I learned this through my therapy I encourage it.. tell someone.. I suppose its obvious you are hurting. PAIN is pretty clear. Take it easy.

----
Posted by no name this time on Sun Feb 10 22:37:00 2002 (#13963)

I came about thisclose to offing myself yesterday, but I knew I wouldn't have the guts to do it. Things are getting really bad. Really really bad. I don't know if I can take it. I need to get out. I don't have the guts to kill myself. I don't even know if I want to DIE. I just want to make it stop. I can't take this anymore - the pain, the pressure, the controlling, the stress, the hidden secrets. And the fact that there's absolutely not a damn thing I can do about any of it. What am I supposed to do? Help me.

Re: ----
Posted by KAT on Sun Feb 10 23:05:17 2002 (#13964)

I am so glad you're still here. By you posting ..it kinda gives us the same courage as you have to stay on this Earth a little longer and try and see what we can do about all the suffering going on within ourselfs. I can't say do this or do that and your problems will be solved, but I know exactly where you are coming from. Theres like a line you dont cross..and once you've crossed it, you sit and wait for death to knock on your door. Its a scary feeling..medication helps. But I'm not sure if your ready to let go of some of your secrets and get the proper medication and mental stability needed. If your not ready, then it will be a lot tougher, as it was with me..but by telling someone such as your parents, or gaurdian..or maybe a significant other or good friend..these people are the people who care for us the most, even when we dont care about ourselfs anymore. We do need thier help, so maybe you will consider telling someone you might have a problem with depression. It isn't something to be ashamed of or feel guilty about, it's just a mental illness that can end tragically if not interveened with. Life gets tough, and scary and stressful..but you've got to wait for the good things to outweigh the bad. and if they don't you've just got to seel for yourself what makes you happy. Because your important. I dont have a clue who this is, but I know frim your pain youve put out on the board that I feel a connection and love for you. Finally..someone who feels what I feel and thinks along the way I think. Your not alone..so dont give up.. if none of my words have helped you, please dont see this as the end. Theres so many people out there they can help you and are actually trained for situations such as a person down on life and wanting the pain to stop..even if its forever. Take care love you -KAT *hugs*

Re: ----
Posted by no name this time on Tue Feb 12 22:12:16 2002 (#13990)

Thankx for replying. I can not tell anyone. It's just..it's not an option for me right now. I just can't do it. But the days are getting so long and harder ever damn day that comes. I've never been at this point before. I've been close, but there it hasn't been like this. When you weigh life against death and death seems so much better no matter what you have to give up in life to get there. I'm very scared of what I might do if pushed just a little further. I don't want to die. I don't even know if I have the guts to off myself. But I'm still scared.

Anyway, thanks again for replying. Please don't think "your words haven't helped." They have. This board is one of the few reasons I'm still here.

Re: ----
Posted by KAT on Wed Feb 13 01:47:05 2002 (#14004)

Again..Im glad you're still here. Im sorry things are so shitty..life gets that way sometimes, and no one understand just how another person is feeling. I suppose no ones pain is the same yet everyone who suffers has one thing in common..we need a reason to live b/c if not..the world seems to go black. And suicide is a reasonable option..but in reality it isnt at all . give it some time, hopefully time will heal some of the hurt , new ones will appear but we can only live from day to day. PLEASE keep trying to stay in there..things can get better love you much {{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}} }

Re: ----
Posted by Sarah on Fri Feb 15 01:18:21 2002 (#14055)

To Someone in Pain without a Name, I am a 24 year-old college student, sitting here in the corner of the school computer lab, trying to look like I'm doing something important and academic while reading the posts on this board. After a long time of not cutting, I came REALLY close last night, closer than I have in months, so I thought I had better try to find a little help, or at least a little release from reading the posts of people with similar problems. I was totally content with just reading, but then I read your post and had to write. Your words just broke my heart. You must be in so much pain right now. I don't know exactly what you are going through, but I know what it is like to get to the point that suicide becomes a real day to day struggle. I almost killed myself two years ago. I used to walk through the halls at school, and I'm sure to everyone there I just looked normal, but I would imagine blood just pouring out of my veins and dripping onto floor as I walked along because I was in so much pain. It's been a while since I've felt like that, but I know it just SUCKS. I admire your courage for writing, that is a HUGE step. I would strongly urge you to find someone that you trust, preferably someone older than you, and confide in them. Once you feel that you know them and have established some trust, REAL TRUST so that you know that they won't jack you later on, let them in on those secrets that tear you up. Secrets have so much less power over you once they are out in the open, trust me. The only thing that gives me hope now to go on in this world is faith in Christ. I would above all things urge you to seek refuge in him. He knows what you've been through, and he loves you and wants you to come to him to find peace. He also knows how crappy this world is first hand because he walked in our shoes. The bible describes him as a man of many sorrows, well aquainted with suffering. All I know is that he loves me, and I can attest that I'm as screwed up as they come! Try to read John, it's a great one to start with to learn more about him. He PROMISES that anyone who comes to him in faith will be saved. Life is still hard, (OK, really REALLY hard... )but I have great hope in him now that he'll pull me through. Don't give up. I'll be praying for you and thinking about you often. Sarah

Re: ----
Posted by no name this time on Sat Feb 16 21:50:44 2002 (#14096)

Hi Sarah. First, thanks for responding. Second, welcome to the board - it's a great place and feel free to post any time you want b/c the people here are really supportive. I'm glad you didn't cut. That takes a lot of courage. I've tried to stop and I can't. Cutting is an addiction, the only thing that eases the pain (ironic, isn't it?) Anyway, in response to your post: I know what you mean about walking through school and everyone thinking you look completely normal. No one, NO ONE would guess that I cut..that right now I'm feeling so close to the edge that I'll go over with a little tap. My friend used that phrase the other day b/c she was swamped with homework. She put her hand up and said, "this is the edge" and then put her other hand a few inches away from it and said "and this is me." I wanted to shake her and tell her that she has no idea. No concept at all what it's like. But I couldn't. You see, I can't tell anyone. I know both you and KAT said that I should try to tell someone. But I can't. First of all, I really and honestly think that my family wouldn't do anything. And the guidance department at my school sucks, and there are a few teachers I would trust, but I know that by law, teachers are required to tell (I'm a minor). So my family would find out, nothing would happen, and all I would be left with is the awkwardness and humiliation of people knowing. Which I couldn't take right now. I'm trying to find strength in God and in this board, both of which have helped me so many countless times before. They say God won't give you a cross you can't bear. I'm trying to believe that. I'm trying to hang on. It's just I've been hanging on for so long now, I'm starting to slip. You can only hang on for so long before you fall.

Re: ----
Posted by Sarah on Mon Feb 18 22:49:31 2002 (#14132)

To my friend without a name, Thanks so much for writing back. I've been praying and thinking about you a lot over the past few days, so it was really good to hear from you. In your last couple of posts you never mentioned that you cut before. I was kind of wondering why you chose to post on the SI boards instead of the suicide ones. I'm really sorry to hear you struggle with that. It is terribly addicting. I was thinking about what you said about God not giving us a cross that we can't bear, and you're totally right. Even though it might be more than we can handle on our own, it won't be more than we can handle with Him. In regards to your friend, sometimes I think people's problems are proportional to their ability to deal with them. I know people who act like their world is going to end if their car gets scratched, or if they do poorly on a test, or if they have to stand in line too long at the bank. I totally relate to what you were saying about "if they only knew..."

I think you're right about what would happen if you told a guidance counselor or a teacher about the cutting or the suicidal feelings. Man, it sucks being a minor. I probably shouldn't be saying that, because you really need to get some help of some kind, but a lot of people get really freaked out about the cutting if they don't understand it. Maybe you could start talking to someone about the underlying stuff first, before you bring up the other things. I don't know you well, of course, but most of the time there are reasons why we feel depressed, crap that has happened in the past or that is happening in the present that ends up manifesting itself in self-destructive ways. A lot of churches offer counseling for free, and maybe there is one with a big enough youth group that you could find a leader that you trust.

I'm going to give you my e-mail address if you want to write me off the posts, and if not, it's cool. It's weitzer@msn.com if you ever want to talk. I'll still keep looking for you on the boards, although I think we're about to get scrolled off of the current page. I totally screwed up the other night and cut myself. It's been the first time in a long time, and I forgot how effective it is. It's not what God wants for either of us, though, so we've got to fight a little harder. Keep hanging on, my friend. Read Romans 8:28 for encouragement. Right there with you, Sarah

Re: ----
Posted by emma on Mon Feb 18 23:32:01 2002 (#14133)

help me i dont know why i cut

Re: ----
Posted by Sarah on Tue Feb 19 09:41:00 2002 (#14162)

Dear Emma, First off, let me congratulate you on taking the initiative to post. That takes a lot of guts. Welcome to the boards. I'm really new myself, but this is an awesome place to get insight into the problem of cutting. I would encourage you to do some more searches on the web for other sites on self-injury. You could run a search on google.com for the "Bodies Under Siege" webring. It's this whole database for sites dealing with self-injury. Be careful though, a lot of them are just done by some extreme cutters without any professional backing, and they can be kind of sketchy. They might just want to make you cut more.

People cut for a lot of different reasons: self-hatred, shame, release, etc. It seems like the typical cutter is female, 12-24, has suffered some kind of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse in her past, may have parents that abuse substances, is usually very secretive and is good about hiding their pain. These are generalizations, and maybe none of them are true for you, but they might be a starting point. I know that you must be in a lot of pain right now to have come here. Keep coming back. Hopefully you will find some answers and some help.

Glad you're here, Sarah

Re: ----
Posted by no name this time on Tue Feb 19 00:59:08 2002 (#14140)

Hi Sarah, thanks for writing back. I appreciate your advice to talk to someone about the underlying stuff first, but, truth be told, I honestly don't know where to begin, what lies underneath, and how to bring it up without getting myself caught. I've been thinking about talking to my priest, but I don't know. It's not like I have a personal relationship with him or anything. And I wouldn't know how to go about getting in contact with him. I guess this sort of seems like, oh gee, she really doesn't want help, or she would make a bigger effort. But that's not really true. I'd love to feel "normal" but I'm really scared, and really dependent on SI. I don't know. I'm feeling slightly less suicidal right now...although considering I just had a fight w/ my mother that could change things.

Anyway, I'm sorry that you cut, but don't feel too bad about it. We all slip. If cutting keeps you here, keeps you sane, keeps you whatever, then I'm all for it.

Thank you for trusting me with your email. Right now, I really don't feel comfortable giving out mine. I'm a regular poster here, and since we're talking about suicide here I'd rather not "reveal who I am" with my email. I'm sorry, I hope you understand. If you want to keep talking on the board, though, that would be great.

Re: ----
Posted by Sarah on Tue Feb 19 09:24:39 2002 (#14161)

My Friend with No Name, No problem on the not e-mailing thing. Chances are we live 3000 miles away from each other, but I completely understand. Just know that it's there. Thanks for your support about the slip. I keep toying with the idea of just cutting myself once really big so that I can have a large scar, like something permanent to hold onto instead of re-injuring myself again and again. I'm sure somewhere in the real world that must sound so jacked up, but it's my line of thinking right now. I talked to my friend last night and she told me to call my psychiatrist to see if they can do anything about my meds, because I've gotten dramatically worse over the past month. I guess I'm going to see if my doc will see me this week. Meds are a whole 'nother can of calzones. Really strange.

Your priest would probably be good, because I don't think they're bound by the same laws as teachers and guidance counselors. Maybe you could start hashing it out under the anonymity that the boards provide. Chances are that at least one of us on here has struggled with similar stuff to what you're dealing with.

It takes a lot of courage to open yourself up as much as you have. I'm really proud of you. Don't feel bad about not wanting to reveal yourself yet, or at all. My name's not really Sarah. : )

Keep writing, your friend, "Sarah"

chester
Posted by mego on Mon Feb 11 05:12:33 2002 (#13965)

alright, i got this rat a couple weeks ago, she was so sweet. she was really tiny, just a baby. i'd take her out all the time, she'd just cuddle up with me, if i was havin a tough time i'd take her out and hold her and talk to her and it would make me feel better. it was like she was my baby, i was responsible for her, i took care of her, she trusted me and liked me. yesterday i took her out and she seemed really tired and a little cold, so i put her back and gave her a treat with vitamins in it and made sure her cage was warm. this morning she was a lot worse, she was so cold and kept shaking. i held her all day, wrapped in a blanket. i tryed getting her to drink and eat. all day she slept, she would get up to cuddle closer to me or climb on my neck once in a while, i got her to drink some water a couple times. i was crying and my mom was drunk, which only made things worse. she finally died about a half hour ago. it sucks so bad, she was so much to me. i kept telling myself that she was gonna be okay, i kept talking to her. i tried so hard to make everything okay. i know, i know, she was only a rat, but i really cared about her. she was just happy to be held and pet and just let everyone love her. i dont know if this is dumb, i know im going to cut. i am so tense right now, i need something. i dont think its going to help me sleep, i need to sleep, i need something to keep me from thinking about all of this. i dont know what. i wish today never happened. i was so happy friday, saying how awesome this weekend was going to be. surprise, surprise!

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: chester
Posted by KAT on Mon Feb 11 06:01:39 2002 (#13967)

I cried when my rat died too. Suzie was her name..we even took her to the pet clinic but she died of a pnemonia.
:( Im sorry Megan... I hope you feel better, dont be to hard on yourself.. ***hugs***

love -KAT

Re: chester
Posted by Nuni on Mon Feb 11 19:10:18 2002 (#13970)

I am so sorry to hear about your pet. You loved her!!! It isnt dumb. Love isn't dumb. You know what?? It's okay that you feel sad, and want to cut yourself. Just be careful, and I am sorry your mom was drinking. My dad is an alcoholic, he has been as long as I can remember. It is frustrating to want to be near someone you love but he/she are too incoherent to notice your despair. Huge hugs, Love Nuni

not a sicko
Posted by confused on Mon Feb 11 11:46:53 2002 (#13968)

ok so i dont want help. i dont want drugs conselling and i dont want to talk about it.

just because i like what im doing. just coz it makes me feel better. im not a sicko and i dont want to change. the whole you need help its bad for you i cant see how. they say its only a release it doesnt make your problems go away thats not entirely true. im better when im being the real me and he real me hurts herself. and doesnt want to and wont stop for anyone.

i know that you are thinking if ou really meant all this youd wouldnt be here and maybe you are right. but its just well you know.

Re: not a sicko
Posted by Nuni on Mon Feb 11 19:06:04 2002 (#13969)

Hi confused, I think you got it right. First, I want to say I once was there, where I believed that cutting was it. I based my emotions on the fact that because I WAS numb and couldn't cry I could always cut, then achieve that release. That feeling of being overwhelmed by emotions. Not being sure on how to feel. My endless questions always was "How am I suppose to feel about this?" so I would cut. It would go away I would feel better, until the next time. Second, I see a therapist (psychiatrist) I turned down medication and decided I could do this on my without mood altering drugs. Without therapy and without this board I probably would still be cutting, or worse (yes I was once suicidal). Third and last, if you are not ready or don't even see yourself thinking about quitting, then don't. Because this is your outlet, but it doesn't have to be forever. Like a lot of us, you will eventually find something different. But only you know what will work for you. I hope you find that path soon. Oh, and another thing. You are right don't do this for anyone.. DO it for you. Huge hugs, Nuni

Re: not a sicko
Posted by KAT on Mon Feb 11 21:59:24 2002 (#13973)

For a short time in my past, I didnt want help either, and sometimes I still don't. Your not a sicko in the least bit.

A lot of people come here, that Ive seen and dont want help either. They either want to get something off their chest or maybe just find out some info. Not wanting help isnt so bad, although to get through tough shit in life, help is always a good thing to have. when your ready..you might find yourself looking for help.. just take care love -KAT

Re: not a sicko
Posted by mego on Mon Feb 11 23:15:02 2002 (#13980)

i know what you're saying.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

fuck it
Posted by - on Mon Feb 11 19:25:15 2002 (#13971)

Why the fuck does everything have to be so hard? Why can't people just leave me the hell alone? Why does everyone seem to want something from me all the time? Jesus, I give what the fuck I can, but it's never even nearly enough. Then that's my fault when I give up. Can't be bothered any more.

Re: fuck it
Posted by mego on Mon Feb 11 23:22:32 2002 (#13981)

yeah, i know exactly how you feel. wish i knew how to help.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

I went through with it..
Posted by KAT on Mon Feb 11 22:07:22 2002 (#13975)

After years of batteling in my mind with this one person who has been my only friend since 6th grade. Well I am at the end of my 11th grade year now and this person has been actually my only and best friend, although the stuff we;ve done to each other wouldnt aexactly be called something a friend would do. I know we've broken each others hearts and some days I hate her so much . But I always pushed donw those feelings for a long long LONG time because I thought they would go away. About 3 days ago..I told this friend that I felt like I coulent be friends with her anymore, at least for a little while until I figure out some of these things in my life. Sge laid a total guilt trip on me asking me what she did and why am I doing this to her WHY AM I DOING THIS TO HER. she cdoesnt know how much hell shes put me through in the last year..with my cutting revealed and all..its been a nightmare. It broke my heart to tell her I didnt want to remain friends anymore, and I actually cried for the firs timein a long time. I mean actually cried my eyes out. I not feel like I didnt make the right decision, but I dont know..something had to be done. I just couldnt go on living like that anymore.. I have not a friend in the world now..Im so alone, but it doesnt bother me much. I like being alone, although afriend would be nice..

anyways..I hope I made the right decision
:( but it still hurts love -KAT

Re: I went through with it..
Posted by zandra on Mon Feb 11 22:41:55 2002 (#13976)

oh kat i'm sorry you fell like that. friends are great unless they are part of the problem. i'm glad you did something to help you. i know how it feels to have no friends. it's fun sometimes. actually most of the time. i hope your friend realizes why you did what you did and that you still want to be friends sometime. good for you. <3 always zandra

Re: I went through with it..
Posted by Nuni on Mon Feb 11 22:45:26 2002 (#13977)

Sometimes the best decisions are the hardest. If you felt that this was a friendship that was causing you pain deciding to walk away from it for a little while is absolutely ok. About your friend, the fact that you were friends for so long I hope you gave her an idea on your decision. I would hate to be the friend that has been causing so much pain on someone (and not now it) and then BLAMO no friend. I am sure you did the right thing, and I hope you feel better soon. Love and HUGE HUGS!!! Nuni

Re: I went through with it..
Posted by mego on Mon Feb 11 23:08:12 2002 (#13979)

i've had friends like that too. sometimes you're just better off without them. and you're not alone. i'm talking to you now through AIM and you're awesome. you've helped me so much, you're so understanding and compassionate. thanks for every time you've ever helped me, i really appreciate it a lot. IM me or write me some mail any time you need to talk to anyone, I'll always be there. I hope things work out for you.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

cutting
Posted by Sue on Tue Feb 12 01:16:32 2002 (#13982)

my neice is injurying herself and I dont know what to do.. please I am looking for advise.

Re: cutting
Posted by mego on Tue Feb 12 04:04:27 2002 (#13983)

don't yell at her or tell her that you're disappointed in her or show that her cutting causes you pain. that will only make things worse. talk to her about getting help, or tell her about this website. let her know that you'll always be there and that you love her, this is important, you cannot forget to let her know you love her. try to find out whats going on in her life thats making her cut, but don't pressure her into telling you things. if you have any more questions you can e-mail me at mego11686@aol.com or keep asking here, everyone else is really helpful. you can give your niece my e-mail address, i would be happy to talk to her. good luck.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: cutting
Posted by Marie on Tue Feb 12 18:31:28 2002 (#13987)

Above all you need to let her know that you are there for her. Don't start to smother her, don't treat her like a freak, or like she has a disease. Tell her that you want to understand, but never lie to her... don't tell her you understand what she's going through if you don't, because she'll see right through that and it'll be hard for her to trust you... love her, be there for her... she really needs you now... and I applaud you for looking for help for her... maybe you could direct her here and help her on-line... sometimes that's easier than face to face. Much luck -Marie

Re: cutting
Posted by Jodi on Tue Feb 12 18:51:52 2002 (#13988)

I Know what your going threw, found out four days ago my 16 yr old daughter is cutting herself as a way to deal with stress. I've spent the last four days researching this subject. My first step is to find a Good Therpist. Which is a big dilema because what if a pick the wrong one and it makes it worse and not better.Pray for her and I and that we find someone to help.

Good Luck God Bless,

Sabrina's Mom

Re: cutting. And for Jodi also.
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Feb 13 03:10:41 2002 (#14009)

Hi, I'm Rhonda and my daughter has cut for the last 4 years. The way to help is to be there for them and whatever you do, DON'T start yelling at her and telling her she needs to just stop. Be there for her and support her. This is something she will really need. Don't treat her like a freak or pull away from her cause that will make her feel like, well, it won't help her self asteam any at all. I have cried with my daughter, cleaned her cuts for her and just let her yell and scream when she needed too. It's all in how you react to them. PLEASE PLEASE don't shut her out. Help her in whatever way you can. IF you want to eamil me, I will gladly answer any questions for you. It has become a goal for me to help non-cutters understand what cutters do and why they do it. And for Jodi, bless you for getting a therapist for your daughter. Tara went through 4 therapists before she found one that has totally helped her. If you are committed to your child and helping her, please keep looking if you don't find the right one. There are good ones out there. I have seen so many parents just ignore their kids when they desperatly need help, mainly because they ususally have problems of their own to deal with. Keep the lines of communications open with your kids and support them all you can. It would also help to go to a couple of therapy sessions with your daughter or neice. I did and it helped me greatly. Remember, if either of you want to ask any question, just email me. Take care of yourselves and please take care of your kids. They are a gift from God. LOve, Rhonda

Re: cutting
Posted by christina on Fri Feb 15 05:56:36 2002 (#14076)

Please Please Please understand her and try your hardest to not say things that to you would sound right but to her sound like you are upset. Like you'll get over it. UNDERSTAND:)

favorite blades
Posted by Steve on Tue Feb 12 04:34:41 2002 (#13984)

What are your blades of choice? I tend to like WALTHAM double edged safety blades, #11 exacto blades, and also the big utility knives. Any suggestions or commonets? Check out my site....www.slicedup.i8.com... feel free to link me, but dont steal my images!

-Steve

Re: favorite blades
Posted by mego on Tue Feb 12 05:24:03 2002 (#13985)

your website makes those who cut look insane, and you treat it as if it were a joke. why? what do you do, show that off to your friends. thats cool. why did you even post that?

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: favorite blades
Posted by mego on Tue Feb 12 05:31:40 2002 (#13986)

oh yeah, and most people who cut don't pick out specific blades and remember them. most of us cut with whatever we can find to break through our skin. you sound like a trend cutter, and thats terrible, if you are. and if you are, you have no right to be here.

Re: favorite blades
Posted by erica on Tue Feb 12 21:44:11 2002 (#13989)

Actually thereare those of us who use only specific cutting tools. I for instancehave special knives I use. It's not that uncommon to do that. I do agree with you on one thing, the trend cutter. I don't like the website at all.

Erica:o)

whoa! Lighten up
Posted by Reese inside Rabbit on Wed Feb 13 00:04:45 2002 (#13998)

There are many reasons that people cut, and this is a cutting board. It is obvious that Steve cuts, so he does, in fact, belong here. Just because his style isn't yours, doesn't give you the right to "un-invite" someone to this public and open disussion board. The only people who don't belong here are those who refuse to respect that other people are allowed their own (and someimes different) points of view and therefore disrespect them. The point is mutual respect and support, so lets start supporting. -Reese (one of Rabbit's alters)

i just have a question for you...
Posted by diana on Tue Feb 12 22:53:11 2002 (#13992)

i just have a question... im not tryin to sound mean or nething.. but honestly, do you think its funny? because you wrote haha a lot. you seem like you do it just so people will look at you... maybe you should think about it and either cut the crap or do it for the right reasons

Re: favorite blades
Posted by KAT on Tue Feb 12 23:44:48 2002 (#13995)

cutting to me isnt something that has any meaning like a competition against someone else's cut's or anything, but I have to admit looking at others cuts is something I sometimes am interested in. But cutting to me doesnt have to involve something sharp or anything, Ive used so many various objects its insane. I hope that cutting isnt a sport or a game to anyone..b/c it hurts to see others suffering the same way you are..yet with any acquired comfort. love KAT

Suggestions Steve
Posted by KAT on Wed Feb 13 00:36:12 2002 (#14002)

Hi there..I appreciate your site.. I really do..but heres a few suggestions, take em if ya want. Your site has not much more then a few pics..so someone who comes across it may be confused. maybe if you added some hints as to what you arte doin in the pic, and facts about the act and such. things to inform. people a little better..its your choice, I know it takes some time to add all that to a site. take care -KAT

Re: Suggestions Steve
Posted by mego on Wed Feb 13 05:16:12 2002 (#14010)

hey, i'm sorry if i offended anyone by what i wrote. its just that, by looking at his website, he seemed as if he thought it were funny, or a joke, and thats bullshit. i wrote a lot of "if" things in my response post, i never said he was anything and i said maybe he should leave if it were all a joke. if you're going to get mad at me, first take a good look at the things i'm writing and how i write them. i never tried to disrespect him in any way, but, like kat said, there was nothing explaining any of what he did, all it was was pictures and jokes, which is to me, as a cutter, degrading. again, i'm sorry if anyone took what i said the wrong way. it wasn't supposed to sound offensive or anything, i was just upset.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: favorite blades
Posted by confused on Wed Feb 13 05:52:32 2002 (#14015)

i dont have favorite blades i just have ones that i use and i feel safe with them coz i know them it isnt new and scary.

i know that some people got upset by his site. but i know that if i were to do a site that i wanted non cutters and cutters to see. i would make them think i was a freak coz thats how they treated me and you eventually become what people treat you like or at least i do.

i think that you just need to know that you aretn at all a freak none of us here are no mattter what people say. and i often say things i regret later and yeah now im just babbling im sorry if i make no sense

love confused

cutting
Posted by Ghost on Tue Feb 12 22:41:42 2002 (#13991)

hey i'm new here i'm 19 and i've been cutting for about 11 years and i just wanted someone i can talk to.

peace ghost

hi...
Posted by diana on Tue Feb 12 22:55:39 2002 (#13993)

hey write me an email or talk to me online.. my sn's are xxstidesxx40z and sn0wbunnie015.. both using aol.

Re: hi...
Posted by Ghost on Wed Feb 13 15:40:54 2002 (#14017)

thanks everyone for making me feel welcome. last night wasn't a good night. i ended up cutting 20 times on my arm, my arm looks like it went thru a shredder. and plus i got the shit beat out of me by my father. i have a black eyes, and fat and bloody lip, i have a cut underneath my left eye. God, I just want to leave this world. Ghost

Re: hi...
Posted by KAT on Thu Feb 14 00:23:55 2002 (#14029)

Hey sorry to hear that. life sucks..but we cut to live in a sence, so keep hangin in there. take care the best way ya can love ya -KAT

Re: cutting
Posted by KAT on Tue Feb 12 23:49:47 2002 (#13996)

Hi welcome..I hope you find this place supportive and as helpful as I have. Any of us Im sure would be glad to talk day or night any time I have aim so let me know if ya wanna chat there. take care love KAT

Re: cutting
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Feb 13 02:03:17 2002 (#14005)

Hi, Welcome to the board. This is a good place to come and I like to welcome everyone new. I don't cut, but my daughter does. I hope you find this place a place of help. Email me if you ever want to talk. Take care. LOve, Rhonda

Re: cutting
Posted by mego on Wed Feb 13 05:21:02 2002 (#14011)

hi, i'm 15, i've been cutting on a regular basis for about a year and a half, i think. before that, it was all just hurting myself, i dont need to get into it. you can always send me some mail if you need to talk, i usually just post messages of the board when i need help with something. everyone here really helps with things. i hope you find some good help here!

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

No Chance To Cry
Posted by zandra on Tue Feb 12 23:08:32 2002 (#13994)

i wrote a poem. i wanted to post it for you all to see. here it goes.

i sit every night, getting rid of the pain. you outsiders look at me, like i'm nuts or insane. the pain escapes me, and none of you see, inside me i'm yelling, i'm screaming, for you help. you'll never understand, the urge within me to die, i sit around waiting, with no chance left to cry. you don't know a way, to comfort me from this. all i ask, is for your love and careness. i ask you to help me, or at least ask me why, but unlike me who can't, you just seem to cry. i can't let it out that way, can't you see, the blood is the way it comes out of me. i lay here now, as everyone sheds their tears above, i send you my heart, and all of my love.

i thought i would write it because i'm bored and i have nothing else to do. <3 always zandra

Re: No Chance To Cry
Posted by KAT on Tue Feb 12 23:52:45 2002 (#13997)

thats a beautiful poem !! It really says alot. It sounds just like some of mine that I write.. I hope your feelin okay! love ya -KAT

Re: No Chance To Cry
Posted by mego on Wed Feb 13 05:22:52 2002 (#14012)

thats good...

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

*Triggering* My trip to the E.R.
Posted by KAT on Wed Feb 13 00:08:31 2002 (#13999)

so I was upset last night and I cut in a spot I had never cut in before. The blades I have now are alot sharper and thicker tehn anyones I had before..so I went at it. This cut looks different then any other one I have ever had. It's a wide open hole in my arm and I can see the yellowish white cell lookin skin underneath..it was like slicing open something that just instantly unattached from each other. ANYWAYS.. I went to sleep and woke up the next morning(this morning) to find my arm still bleeding as bad as it was when I had first done it..I was shocked and scared, thats never happened to me before. So I got ready for school..with half a roll of toilet paper taped to my arm and actually drove myself to this hospital that is 5 minutes away from my house.

I asked my dad if I could borrow some "year book money" about 45 $. I figured that should pay for the stitches that Im sure I still need. So I went into the emergency room and talked to the nurse at the desk. I asked if there was any way I could anonymously get looked at and maybe get some first aid. She said hold on and then took me in a private room where another nurse came and talked with me. she said there was nothing they could really do unless I was really needing medical attention and theyd look at me but it wasnt worth it to me, so I said no thank you and left STUPID STUPID STUPID..i should have just got the stitches and been done with it. but no..I re-wrapped the hole and went home changed into long sleeves and proceeded to school. and the worst part of my day was when I stopped at the gas station to throw away my bloody dressings from my arm and a man filling up his truck with gas made kissy noises at me and was yelling at me to go over to him..I am only assuming he wanted sex. I felt like the whore I was. School was hell..I was totally dissasociated from everything. it was like a blank all day..didnt eat anything all day. after school i went to borders books to read up on first aid for open wounds but I didnt feel like waiting b.c I was dizzy. It's come to a very small blood dripping out now so thats better. Why did I tyype this? it has no point or meaning or advice or anything at all. Its to long and all fucked up. I dont know..sometimes this board is more like a diary for me then a message board. IM sorry everyone, I really am. take care love you -KAT

Re: *Triggering* My trip to the E.R.
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Feb 13 02:08:19 2002 (#14006)

KAT, honey, are you alright?! It's probably too late to get stitches in your arm, but you can get some butterfly bandages to hold the wound closed. Please, honey, keep the cut clean and dry. I hope you feel better soon and you don't have anything to feel sorry for on this board. Everyone understands. Take care sweetie and email me if you want too. LOve, Rhonda

Re: *Triggering* My trip to the E.R.
Posted by Strider on Wed Feb 13 02:32:18 2002 (#14007)

I know I never post here anymore, but I fealt that I could help you, Kat (oh, and just for the record, that was not me that posted on the suicide board). About your cu, don't worry too much; yes it's dep, and it CAN (not the word CAN) be dangerous, but you did what will keep it safe. That yellow stuf is the layer of fat that lies beneath the skin that everyone has (that's why it's yellow, not white), and that's pretty deep. It is freaky the first time you see it that's for sure (I almost had a heart attack when I first cut that dep), but it'll be fine. All stiches would have done is make the inevitable scar more narrow. Don't let the amount of blood scare you (yeah, I know, easy to say when it's not me bleeding)it will stop as long as you bandage it up tight, though it does take a few days for it to stop bleeding. So, if it happens that a cut ever goes that deep again, just be calm, bandage it tight with alot of gauze, and be prepared for it not to stop bleeding until a couple days after, ok? Ok.

love and prayers, Colin

Here's my message without spelling mistakes, ok?
Posted by Strider on Wed Feb 13 02:36:21 2002 (#14008)

I know I never post here anymore, but I felt that I could help you, Kat (oh, and just for the record, that was not me that posted on the suicide board). About your cut, don't worry too much; yes it's deep, and it CAN (note the word CAN) be dangerous, but you did what will keep it safe. That yellow stuff is the layer of fat that lies beneath the skin that everyone has (that's why it's yellow, not white), and that's pretty deep. It is freaky the first time you see it that's for sure (I almost had a heart attack when I first cut that deep), but it'll be fine. All stiches would have done is make the inevitable scar more narrow. Don't let the amount of blood scare you (yeah, I know, easy to say when it's not me bleeding)it will stop as long as you bandage it up tight, though it does take a few days for it to stop bleeding. So, if it happens that a cut ever goes that deep again, just be calm, bandage it tight with alot of gauze, and be prepared for it not to stop bleeding until a couple days after, ok? Ok.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: *Triggering* My trip to the E.R.
Posted by mego on Wed Feb 13 05:29:16 2002 (#14013)

hey, bro. you really should go to the hospital. that could get infected, its really dangerous. i had a friend who cut his hand open and left it and one day he just coudldn't feel it. he finally went to the hospital and they had to do surgaries on it, he almost lost it. i'm not trying to scare you but you should really go. i'm not trying to sound like your mom, either, or to boss you around but this really is an emergency, i'm sure that you could anonymously see a doctor about it, if not at the hospital you were at earler, at another one. please try, i dont know what else to say. and if you don't go, be careful using those new razors.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

So, what's the "right" reason?
Posted by Reese inside Rabbit on Wed Feb 13 00:10:22 2002 (#14000)

Hello. I am one of Rabbit's alters and I was wondering something. I hear people talk about cutting (etc.) for the "right" reason. What the hell does that mean? Can there be a "right" reason to slice yur skin or burn a whole in your arm? I do not mean this in judgemnt, so please do not misunderstand. There are so many reasons to hurt oneself, and I just was curious what the "right" one was.

-Reese

Re: So, what's the "right" reason?
Posted by KAT on Wed Feb 13 00:18:17 2002 (#14001)

well I read this on a site..so sorry if its something youve already heard. It can be the right reason when its preventing you from suicide. Obviously..cutting your skin is a better solution then killing yourself, although it's still harmful and very dangerous. When we cut ..we "usually" wanna feel something other then the pain goin on inside our mind and body. You know..therefore we cut to feel better for the most part. Not everyone does..but Im just speaking in my point of view. I dont really know if thats a right reason, or an answer your looking for but it makes sence to me. The right reason to do anything comes from the decisions someone makes on their own terms. If cutting is the right thing to do to help you out of a situation..then your probably going to do it..although its not seen as "the right thing to do". sorry I hope that made some sence. nice to meet you love always -KAT

Re: So, what's the "right" reason?
Posted by mego on Wed Feb 13 05:53:44 2002 (#14016)

the only wrong reason is for attention or to fit in. the right reason is because it feels better than anything else in the world.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: So, what's the "right" reason?
Posted by diana on Wed Feb 13 22:50:42 2002 (#14023)

ive said before to cut for the right reason only. i never say what the right reason is because there isn't just one way to be the reason. as long as u don't do it to be cool, to fit in w. other ppl who do it, or to do it for attention.... and as long as it helps u to sort out ur problems, relieve stress, suicide prevention, exc. then it is the right reason-diana

*****
Posted by none on Wed Feb 13 01:20:12 2002 (#14003)

Don't know what to do and I can't breathe. You're so close to my face your sweat drips on me. I feel I'm drowning and I haven't got any arms.

the things i say
Posted by mego on Wed Feb 13 05:50:30 2002 (#14014)

a small laugh shatters as it hits the ground//breaking like glass, it drowns out all sound//i pick up the pieces, ignoring the screams within//and press them deep into my skin//warm blood is thicker than salty tears//and lets out the pain built up over the years//if mom finds out she'll be mad//why do i make her so sad//why to her tears make me want to scream//she thinks that i am as i seem//she cant hear any of things i say//i start to explain and she turns away//her mind is somewhere else but her body is still here//she drifts a little farther after each beer//in the morning everything is clean and bare//but the bloodstains are always there//she pretends its not real, everything is okay//just because she can't hear any of the things i say

Re: the things i say
Posted by marie on Wed Feb 13 16:41:15 2002 (#14018)

that was beautiful mego...

Re: the things i say
Posted by KAT on Wed Feb 13 23:58:32 2002 (#14026)

I liked your poem. Im sorry your mother is like that..I suspecte she has some of her own problems, it's kinda tough when someone you need is dealing with their own tough stuff..ya know! take care hun love ya lots -KAT

i'm in a shit hole
Posted by Tara on Wed Feb 13 21:17:05 2002 (#14019)

hey guys, i came to talk and to get some advice.my boyfriend came home for lunch today and told me that he talked to a guy that told him that we had messed around.of course its not true and i told justin that,but he said that he does not know who to beleive.he told me,why would this guy come up to him out of the blue and say something like that?i know for sure that nothing ever happened.i don't know what to do.how do i make him beleive me?i don't want to lose him.i love him so much.i even told him that to prove nothing did happen i would take i lie detecteor test,but he told me no.he does not even know this guy and we have been together for 5 months now.my mom told me that if he does not beleive me that i need to make some big decesiens and tell justin that if he does not beleive me that he must not love me enough to trust me fully.i have never lied to him,why would i start now.i thought that i had a very good relationship with this guy.he tried to tell me that i was acting pissy but i told him that he hurt me very much by not trusting me enough to beleive me.i want to cut so bad,but if i do than i will for sure lose him forever.why does shit like this always have to happen to me when things are going good for me?well i gotta go.i hope you guys will help me find the answers.i need them soon to.please write me back on this.

LOVE YOU GUYS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

Re: i'm in a shit hole
Posted by Nuni on Wed Feb 13 22:22:30 2002 (#14021)

Hi Tara, Guys are funny like that. First, this guy who is he? and have you ever talked to him before. I am thinking that this guy at one point wanted to ask you out. But you are obviously not available and it all may be a tactic to make you available. As in its a trick. I agree with your mom. Trust is a huge part in a relationship. I suggest pointing out to Justin that you have nothing to gain by lying to him. I mean you didnt go out with this other guy, he should just believe you. Love, lies, and trust. TRICKY!! Don't blame yourself or beat yourself up over unsubstantiated accusations. Be good to yourself! Nuni

Re: i'm in a shit hole
Posted by mego on Thu Feb 14 04:33:12 2002 (#14035)

i agree with your mom. let him know how much you love him, tell him how much he means to you and let him know everything you feel. be perfectly honest, but don't tell him you want to cut. that might make him want to leave you. i don't know what i'm saying, thats what i do but i've never really had a relationship so fuck it. never mind. i tried.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last foever~Incubus

Re: i'm in a shit hole
Posted by marie on Thu Feb 14 16:00:34 2002 (#14041)

Tara, there is something serious you need to consider here... is this guy so shallow that he'll leave you for cutting? Because like it or not, for us (or for me) cutting is a part of me, a part of who I am. I haven't cut for 5 months now but that can't take away the scars I have from the past 9 years and it hasn't gotten any easier not to cut... People who really know me and love me have just accepted that about me and are here for me if/when I relapse.... Any relationship can seem wonderful at first, but if you can't be your true self around him, than maybe he's not who you're supposed to be with... with hope and healing marie

let down yet again!
Posted by alisha on Wed Feb 13 22:09:40 2002 (#14020)

i got really upset late on saturday night and after 2 weeks of no c*ttin i had to! i really didnt know what i was doing or why! i had to speak to som1 but it was far too late to ring one of my friends so i called a very well known help line (no names metioned) who once i told them what i had done they called me stupid and sed it was a very silly thing to have done..... even tho this person must have had some idea i was in alot of distress i couldnt breath coz i was crying so much! but still he called me stupid! i can not belive that he said it!

its not really such a stupid things is it? if it can get u thru a night its not stupid is it? if its the only way u know is it really that stupid??

im s*rry i feel so very let down..... all i wanted was som1 to tell me it would be ok! not much.

s*rry to moan on

take care all

(((((((all)))))))))

alisha

Re: let down yet again!
Posted by KAT on Thu Feb 14 00:04:41 2002 (#14027)

Hey..that guy obviously doesnt have the proper training in dealing with someone who was in the situation you were in, so try not to take it personally. Words cut so much deeper then any blade ever will..I know. I hope you can forget what he said and know in your heart that what makes you calm down and better is what is best for you. Although cutting isnt always the best solution it isnt stupid or dumb. It's the best way that you can handle a stressful situation..and thats all. Hyperventalating is scary shit, it happened to me once too..It was terrible. can't breath cuz to much crying..yeah but it's okay. Its a normal responce from your body saying calm down body..youll be okay. I hope your better now, Im sorry you cut. just look at it this way..now you can start over fresh and clean . take care and stay safe love KAT

Re: let down yet again!
Posted by mego on Thu Feb 14 04:39:13 2002 (#14036)

of course it isn't stupid. if it makes you feel better, it can't be. thats bullshit what that guy said. i know how it feels to be let down like that, and its terrible. i don't know what to say. if you ever need to talk, send me some mail. i'm always willing to listen. i'm so sorry that had to happen to you. it makes me so mad, that he called you stupid. what the fuck was he thinking? he was supposed to help and all he could do was criticize you. is he retarded?? obviously you were having problems and called for help, not to be put down. god!! people like that are just ignorant. the best thing to do is to just pretend it never happened and forgive the guy. obviously he's confused and a moron and doesn't have a clue about anything. don't worry about it bro. you're not stupid, i promise.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

I'm getting help
Posted by Ffion on Wed Feb 13 22:50:19 2002 (#14022)

Hi I'm nearly 17 and have been self harming for roughly a year, I have therapy every week, and see a pschycaiatrist(sorry can't spell!!)about once a month. I stopped self harming in the past two months, but last week I did quite nasty cuts on my arms, which I know will scar, I havn;t told anyone because they all think Im getting better. I had just started to get my life back together, I even started going swimming 3 times a week, but now I know I can't let any 1 see my arms because they're so badly scarred, and these fresh ones will scar 4ever!! what can I do, Is there anything to take scars from my arms and hands??

Re: I'm getting help
Posted by diana on Wed Feb 13 22:55:26 2002 (#14024)

this may sound kinda stupid but it sometimes works for me. well 1st of all, are you scars redish or whiteish? b/c well i use a self tanner.. neutrogenia(can't spell) shit from cvs..i use the the medium-deep tan b/c i already am tan so it matches my skin.. n well i tan myself w. that n esp. put it on my scars to make them the same color as my skin. for the most part, it works pretty well n ur scars aren't very noticeable. well thats the only thing that ive found to work for me. i hope it helped lol-diana

Re: I'm getting help
Posted by KAT on Thu Feb 14 00:07:56 2002 (#14028)

woah!!!!! thats very weird....it sounds like I wrote that exact thing you just typed. sorry Im feeling strange because thats exactly the situation I was in..with the doctors and the swimming and everyone thinking Im better. But the truth is even though things seem like there back to normal..it still takes a lot of times to get back to what normal really is in your own terms. Anywa about your cuts..put some disinfectant on there to help them heal and stay clean..bandages at night or even during the day will help alot as well. to calm down the scarring try coco butter, or vitamin A creams. take care I hope your healing alright love KAT

Re: I'm getting help
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Feb 15 02:11:19 2002 (#14061)

Hi, There are several things that will help fade the scars. Vitiam E oil will help some, but there is a cream, I think it's called Merdema or something like that. It's made to fade scars and Curad makes a patch that will fade scars in time also. You might check the pharmacy at a local Wal-Mart and see if they are there. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

A bright red scream.
Posted by KAT on Wed Feb 13 23:55:24 2002 (#14025)

Today I stopped at the book store and asked is they had the book a bright red scream by Marille strong, (sp?) Anyways..I read through a few chapters, and it was a nice humerous book to a cutter.I liked what I read and I plan on going back there tomorrowe and reading some more. anyone read this book before how do you like it? love KAT

Re: A bright red scream.
Posted by *me* on Thu Feb 14 02:18:06 2002 (#14030)

I haven't read it but I've heard that it's really good. As soon as I get my driver's license I'm planning on taking two trips: 1-to get that book and 2-to buy actual blades not the stupid shaving razors I use now from a remote drug store that no one will recognize me at. Yes, I actually have it planned. That's kind of scary. lol.

Anyway, this was a really pointless post because I didn't have anything that really pertained to your question here. Oh well.

Lots of love, take care and stay safe.

Re: A bright red scream.
Posted by marie on Thu Feb 14 16:25:33 2002 (#14042)

I bought the book at amazon.com I loved the book, it was interesting as well as informative... you may also like the book skin games (can't remember the author, but it's at amazon.com too) It's a biographical book written by a cutter. She tells her story from a lighthearted and frank point of view. You can really feel her intensity and confusion, and inner struggle with eating disorders and cutting.

love ya -marie

Re: A bright red scream.
Posted by marie on Thu Feb 14 16:25:33 2002 (#14043)

love ya -marie

I'm not well.... that is why I haven't been around
Posted by Dawn on Thu Feb 14 03:50:24 2002 (#14031)

Hi, I sure miss you all. The pain meds I've was on weren't working good enough, so they put me on methodone and visteral took me off some of my other meds as well. Now they are taking me off my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds because it is hard to stay awake.

But I think of you all very much and hope who are getting the help you need to face the enemy that haunts you night and day.

I remember asking God often if he'd give me a miracle and take me out of the suffering with flashbacks, and everytime I did, before even the words past my lips or wandered through my mind I'd hear his still sweet voice, "I'll take you THROUGH, not around, or over, THROUGH, I'LL TAKE YOU THROUGH, EACH MEMORY, EACH FEAR, EACH HARD PLACE, I'LL BE WITH YOU ALWAYS, THROUGH!" and He has.

Now I'm fighting a battle of painful knots and muscle spasms, all over my back, in my legs and arms. My boyfriend, it seems weird to call him that because He's 67 years old and we don't neck or fool around, which is the image of boyfriend/girlfriend relationships when I was a teenager. But I'm not a teenager, AND NEITHER IS HE. Whatever we call the relationship we have doesn't even matter, right now he is my caregiver, he comes even in the middle of the night to put bengay on my back and rub out the knots until it hurts more than I can bare. He walks my dogs so I won't slip and fall again, and sometimes when he does he kindly picks my feet up from where they fell while I was sleeping and puts them back on the bed and cover them and me up again. And when I wake up and can't get out of bed because the pain is so bad he comes over, gives me some milk and my pills and waits a few minutes for them to start working then he takes my hands in his and pull me first to a sitting position, then to a standing one. And when I have my balance he walks me to my reclyner helps me into it, pulls the lever to lift my feet, then turns on the heat/massage mat he bought me a year or more ago, then he gives me a kiss and goes back next door to his apartment and goes back to bed.

Now that is a true friend! And he is a man. He sees me naked and never violates me. He listens to me being crabby He listens to my endless tales of violation and tells me... that was rape.

He loves me....... when I'm at my worst in spite of my crabby, critical self, and never never hits me or hurts me. He's not perfect. But he knows the real me and my children, and granddaughter, and when I asked him to he moved from a town he had lived in for over 20 years to a town where it rains more days than it doesn't JUST BECAUSE I ASKED HIM TO.

His love is far greater than any love I have ever known. So I don't need to cut anymore.

What I do need is friends. So I hope that those of you who like what I say will drop me an email or a e-card at either this email address or my other email address where I get e-cards

And if you're feeling down, or feeling like cutting or feeling blue write to me and I'll get back to you just as soon as possible... and remember this, whoever reads is all the way through..... as you've been reading, God's been looking over your shoulder and reading right along with you. Because He loves you too. And His love is perfect and He created you just to know and love you at your very worse. If You will reach out to Him he will take your hand and will walk you through the hard times, and will pick you up when the hard times are too hard to walk through. When you've tried everything else and they all fail.... reach out to Jesus who never fails, who loved us enough to die in our place to give us New Life Through Himself.... love to hear from you soon....Dawn

Re: I'm not well.... that is why I haven't been ar
Posted by KAT on Thu Feb 14 03:59:58 2002 (#14032)

Dawn..Im not sure but this is a bit strange. I e-mailed you at this e-mail about maybe 2 hours before you posted this, or I saw it here. I hope you get it and write to me as soon as you feel ready to, don't rush. You've been more help to me then anything I've ever had and I appreciate it so much. Thank you..I'm sorry that you are in so much pain..physically and mentally. Just b/c we sometimes dont feel the pain when cutting doesnt mean other physical pain doesnt hurt just as bad. Your caregiver,boyfriend, love, what ever he is to you sounds wonderful..a true blessing for you Im sure. I suppose people like him are far and few in this world, but its what we all live for. Thanks for your sweet caring words Dawn..I'll try and e-mail you more. I hate to make you feel old or responsible but sometimes when I need help the most I come to you and feel as though your not only a friend, but a mother like figure for me. Sorry dont mean to put pressure on ya there..just my view. Hang in there, I know ya wont give up. take care love ya! *hugs* -KAT