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Threads 3401 to 3450

i sex, drugs, and alcohol right for me? help
Posted by scared out of my mind on Wed Jan 23 22:43:39 2002 (#13585)

ok i am 14 going to be 15 in like 3 months i have just drank a beer like and hour ago and my friends want me to try some drugs. this guy i like wants me to go out w/ him but if i do i have to give but my preciouse V tatooed on my forehead. i have never kissed or done anything sexual before and he is tryin to make me believe he won't hurt me and i am scared or everything but now i am fallin in love w/ his best friend who likes me twin... help!!!! please i need some advise!!!!!

i sex, drugs, and alcohol right for me? help
Posted by scared out of my mind on Wed Jan 23 22:43:55 2002 (#13586)

moth screamed flames
Posted by crystal on Thu Jan 24 01:23:19 2002 (#13599)

god hasn't spoken to me in weeks. i've been to busy pasting Jesus on my lips as i preach to all the babies i've been eating. i'm just so angry. hating the inches of flesh covering my eyes. with cries from red headed boys who've lost their beginnings in brown paper and crickets. beautiful girls with beautiful smiles are bleeding from the flesh wounds they've been collecting. you say i've been crazy these last few years. you say. i've been losing my pasted on rainbows and wagging puppy dog tails. but you don't know. i'm so happy. now that the pain's on the outside. i can begin scraping it off my skin with razors and scratches.the scabs of 3 months are flecking off with the help of my blood bitten fingernails. i've been looking for truth under bricks and asphalt and found only sewers. i am so full of hate. i'm not beautiful anymore. i am ugly. so ugly with this bursting thirsting fucking coming out of me in exploding fourteen years of hating. while my thighs are screaming for more biting scratching while the baby bites me in midafternoon. and the notes are crawling across me in a million moth screamed flames. licking at my tongue.

Re: moth screamed flames
Posted by kim on Thu Jan 24 04:42:01 2002 (#13606)

wonderful.

you are so talented

thanks kim
Posted by crystal on Fri Jan 25 05:08:35 2002 (#13623)

thank you so much kim. that means a lot.

Re: moth screamed flames
Posted by fallen angel on Thu Jan 24 06:52:20 2002 (#13610)

Wow,Crystal that's amazine. i love your poems keep posting them!!!

thanks fallen angel
Posted by crystal on Fri Jan 25 05:12:04 2002 (#13624)

thanks so much!!! writing is what keeps me sane. i don't know what i'd so without it. art is my life. but painting, drawing, photography, and film are much more thought out than writing. to write is just a vomit up of all the anger and pain. it helps. do you have anything like that to keep you sane?

xoxoxx,

crstl

Re: thanks fallen angel
Posted by fallen angel on Sat Jan 26 04:18:45 2002 (#13646)

i do write, i wrote alot most of it doesn't make much sence, kinda like free association writing (i think that's what it's called) you know where you just close your eyes clear and go deep into your heart and the pen just starts to move, it comes out all jumbled and doesn't make any sence but they are words of you heart, so then i take thogh words and i put them in a poem or a quote. something like that anyway that might sound totally crazy but it's how i cope.

Re: thanks fallen angel
Posted by crystal on Sun Jan 27 02:09:15 2002 (#13668)

thats how i write to. i think its the best way to really clear the demons out of your head. we have so much shit from our pasts and our hearts we need to get rid of. free writing really helps get it out of you onto the page. i'd love to hear more you wrote.

xoxox,

crstl

yup
Posted by A on Thu Jan 24 04:29:13 2002 (#13604)

i've been cutting again. just lil bits here and there. it feels good. but i still feel like shit and everything sucks

Re: yup
Posted by kim on Thu Jan 24 04:44:07 2002 (#13607)

well its good that you have come here to kinda vent...if you need to talk to someone PLEASE email me! my aim screen name is cuzkimmipooluvsu

Re: yup
Posted by crystal on Fri Jan 25 05:22:27 2002 (#13626)

i'm sorry things suck so bad. maybe you can find a little help here. its a good place to find some understanding.

xoxxox,

crstl

gambling
Posted by mego on Thu Jan 24 05:03:24 2002 (#13608)

the screams that come from my closed mouth//are what keep me awake//the pills i swallowed a minute ago//were more than i should take//the wind screams outside in the cold//and echoes throughout the room//my heart is cold but my skin is warm//in this dark and lonely tomb//the blood that flows from my skin//will leave a scar tomorrow//will i be around for that//or will i drown in blood and sorrow//these words that trigger some//to find their precious releif//are more powerful than anything//and are my only beleif//my laughter is convincing//i put on a good show//cover up the pretty cuts//nobody will ever know//only i know inside//that nothing is okay//nothing has ever worked out for me//not tomorrow, not today//i walk on in a daze//and nothing is real//i don't know how to love//i dont know how to feel//i'm afraid of affection//i'm so vulnerable and bare//never again will i ever expect//anyone to care//i'm sorry to everyone//for these red tears that stain//i'm sorry to everyone//because i caused you pain//but for every day thats passed//something more i gain//another heartache to eat me away//something else that tells me i'm not sane//crying for what had happened before//nothing can be the same//i decided to gamble and i lost//i'm terrible at this game

Re: gambling
Posted by Linda on Thu Jan 24 18:04:05 2002 (#13614)

(((((((((((Mego)))))))))))

Re: gambling
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 24 23:19:04 2002 (#13620)

I am really wishing I could be there just to give you a hug , not to lecture you or to tell you false lies, but to comfort you. Honey, please be careful...rough times come and go, and some feel like it will never get better, but they do. Just remember that love always KAT

words help escape
Posted by crystal on Fri Jan 25 05:35:52 2002 (#13628)

mego that is a beautiful poem. you have good rythm and a sense of honesty. i really like it a lot. i would love to hear more. * it is so amazing how alone we all feel. trapped in this prison of ourselves. its like bleeding somehow lets ourself out of this cell of skin. words can do the same thing. let our voices out of this prison. its beautiful.

xoxoxo,

crstl

untitled
Posted by fallen angel on Thu Jan 24 06:49:34 2002 (#13609)

this doesn't make much sence but it kinda goes with my chruch post i did a coupla days ago.

Untitled

You said He would never give us anything to big to handle, but i can’t handle this, i can’t take this shit anymore. He knew that though from the very beginning. So here i am wanting to die waiting, for everything to fall apart again. wanting nothing more than to start all over. Where was my hope lost where did my faith go wrong maybe if i knew these answers than i wouldn’t be sitting here wishing i weren’t. wanting things i could never have or dying inside for a life i could never lead if i close my eyes and not hear the angry voices or see the darkness swallow my mind if only i could see where my heart grew cold than maybe your sermons and lectures would not seem so old.

Lost Prayers that's the name of that poem
Posted by fallen angel on Thu Jan 24 07:09:33 2002 (#13611)

yeah i just looked down at my note book and remember that i titled it that. god it's been a long day!!!!

Re: Lost Prayers that's the name of that poem
Posted by Linda on Thu Jan 24 14:34:51 2002 (#13612)

Sorry you are having such a rough time. I know it is normal to question and try to place the blame somewhere. But I would like to give you a few things to think about if you don't mind. Where was your faith? Was it in a prayer or in a sermon or in a church or in another person? Because NONE of those things can be trusted! Your faith is wasted on anything but God's word. His word said that He would never put more on us than we could bear. And we can trust that. I am going to get my Bible and give you those verses in context in a little while because I have to get offline right now. But I will be back!!! ;)

Re: Lost Prayers that's the name of that poem
Posted by Linda on Thu Jan 24 15:27:33 2002 (#13613)

I’m back!! The verse of scripture that you referred to was I Corinthians 10:13 “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” In context, Paul was speaking to the church at Corinth, a very carnal church. These people were Christians BUT they did not want to live a holy life. In this whole book Paul was trying to warn these people that unless they chose a life of holiness, they would miss out on the blessings God had for them. He had used, in this chapter, the example of the children of Israel and their wanderings in the wilderness. He had mentioned the following problems, “we should not lust” vs.6, “Neither be ye idolaters”, vs. 7, “Neither let us commit fornication”, vs. 8, “Neither let us tempt Christ”, vs. 9, “Neither murmur ye”, vs. 10, and then he followed up by speaking the words that you referred to in verse 13. Anotherwords, he was telling them that these temptations are a common thing to all men BUT God had provided a way out. Jesus was tempted in all the areas that we are tempted and He met those temptations with God’s word. The lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life are the areas of temptation specifically mentioned in scripture. (I John 2:16) May I add one more thing. The Bible was written for everyone BUT the promises of His word are NOT for everyone. The book of I Corinthians was written to born-again believers, carnal as they were, still, they had accepted Jesus’ death, burial and resurrection as truth. That is the foundation. If the foundation has not been laid in your own life, you can not claim the promises of scripture. You can use that book as a source of wisdom but you can not apply the truths to your life. That is very sad to say, when we understand that there is but one thing keeping everyone from being able to claim those promises, yielding control of your life to One who cared enough to pay for your sins. Hope you are forgiven and set apart for His work. ((((((((((((((angel))))))))))

Re: Lost Prayers that's the name of that poem
Posted by Nuni on Thu Jan 24 20:18:32 2002 (#13616)

Linda, I understand what you wrote (WOW for me) . I get what you say about the foundation. I always had a belief that there was a GOD. But my belief only stemmed from what my parents and grandparents had taught me. I was raised Catholic, but I never understood what HE was about. I didn't even understand communion. I am 28 years old and now I have learned what they say when I hear the word "yield". It is such a relief. I also believe that HE knows what we can handle and no matter what we are going through at the time Jesus knows and has laid out the plan long before we were born. Another thing, we are never alone. NO matter what. "The Lord will be with you" **stepping off my soap box**

Nuni

Re: Lost Prayers that's the name of that poem
Posted by fallen angel on Fri Jan 25 05:00:51 2002 (#13622)

Thanx for the adivce, i think what started the whole religion struggle was that it was shoved down my throught my intire life. Like i never had a choice in the matter, kinda like Rhonda's stroy of her dad makeing her go to chruch even though she had a 102 fever, that's how it was here for as long as i can remember.(if you read my post in the "hey guys how did you start cutting" thred the first time i started cutting was at a chruch camp) I don't go now but that's b/c i have learned to stick up to my Father, not in the way i should but at lest i am voicing my opinion. My councler that i saw once or twice said that was good for me. Any way that's all i have to say. but thank you again for trying ot help.

religion has hurt me but god is still there
Posted by crystal on Fri Jan 25 05:58:25 2002 (#13630)

my dad used religion as to support that he was head of the household. god had GIVEN him the right to beat me, rape my mother, beat my brothers, put the cat in the oven, stomp on my puppy's head til its eye shot across the floor like a skater on ice...and countless other things not worth telling. he did this and then took me to fucking church and told me god was my father. Fuck that. do i want to worship a god that is FATHER. I know what father means. father means pain and suffering and anger and hurt and fear. father is the antithesis of love and goodness and i wanted no part of it in my child's soul. i wanted nothing to do with this god who had no idea how to love. i am only 21. and it has been a long journey for me in which i have barely begun. to seperate what i learned god was to what he truly is. and the ONLY reason i have not rejected god completly was because he was in my heart on those nights i heard screams coming from the other room. his hand was on my heart to keep me from falling apart. he was not words in a book, rules on a page, ideas or ideaology. he is THAT feeling. and i will follow THAT and that only. whether it leads me to hindus or buddhists or trees and streams or paint and brushes. whether i find it in sky or smiles of calcutta children (i just got back from india). that is god to me. and it is a long fucking journey to escape the rules of religion. and i have respect for religion but my childhood has made it impossible for me to ever except it as my truth. but that doesn't mean i've rejected god. i don't know why i'm saying this all exactly. maybe just as a hand to hold in case you've been there to.

may we all find our light,

crstl

Re: religion has hurt me but god is still there
Posted by Linda on Fri Jan 25 15:50:45 2002 (#13634)

Crystal, I wish you could see in my heart and know how I truly feel when you speak of the things that your dad has done in the name of religion. It is very hard for me to believe that God loves your father just as much as He loves you and that His Son died for your father's sins also. I want to think about the place in hell that is hotter than all the rest for people like that. Not only the fact that he was in a place of responsiblity and abused that but that he had the audacity to attribute his actions to the Bible. I will tell you that he was NOT serving the God of the Bible. I would like to comment on a few things. Forget about whether you respect religion or not. It is the relationship you have with Jesus that matters. NOTHING ELSE!! If you are in right relationship to Him all else will fall in place. A few verses came to my mind. The first verse speaks of the "god of this world".....and I think that you must be careful that you are serving God and not the "god of this world". Here are the verses: II Corinthians 4:3-4 "But if our gospel(the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ) be hid, it is hid to them that are lost; In whom the god of this world hath blinded the minds of them which believe not, lest the light of the glorious gospel of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine unto them." The other verse that came to me was an explanation about Satan, himself. II Corinthians 11:13-15 "For such are false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into the apostles of Christ. And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light. Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also be transformed as the ministers of righteousness; whose end shall be according to their works." I wish I could remove your past from your mind and let you start all over but that is not possible. You still must, despite the circumstances, make right decisions as to what you will do with your past. Many have chosen to forgive and be healed from it and go on with a worthwhile live. You can do that to and it appears that you are choosing to search. I applaud your effort and will pray that you find the rest you are searching for.

Beautiful!! have hope!
Posted by crystal on Fri Jan 25 05:44:34 2002 (#13629)

oh my god fallen angel! there is so much that poem makes me want to say to you. the words you wrote are so true to my own heart and journey. i know how you feel. i get so angry at god for this darkness, this pain. he takes me right to the edge of it and when i can't take it anymore he/she/it lays a hand on my heart and i sob with the feeling of joy and relief that comes for no reason at all except that god has shown just a momment of life in my soul. and when i talk about god i don't mean rules and sermons and religious bullshit. i can't find my truth in organized religion. but that god that calls to me through my art, my words - he speaks to me in a thousand ways and yet i feel he abandons me in a thousand more. the last 4 months i have gone through a sort of death of my god in a way. the destruction of what i thought god was. i could go on forever but don't want to bore you. but anyway, i know how you feel. i feel the darkness of the absense of god. but also the intense light of god in my soul and those make the dark times worth it. and i think the darkness makes the light more beautiful!

xoxoxox,

crstl

thought I was alone in this shit until I came here
Posted by Heather on Thu Jan 24 22:37:39 2002 (#13618)

Hey,

I was a self injurer and suicidal . I tried to kill myself about 14 times and I'm amazed I'm still alive. I started cutting about three years ago and it just got way worse. First it was small scratches and then it went to razors and cutting deep. I only cut a little bit now, but I'm making my way to recovery, Cutting is like an addiction, once you start it seems impossible to stop. I would love to email some of you guys, because I thought I was really the only one that cut ,and that there was something wrong with me. But I want you all to know that I have been through that shit, and trust me, now that I actually tell people how I feel, rather than cut, I feel so much better. I've been called phsyco and freak so many damn times, its not even funny. So far though, I love this site, It shows the realism involved in cutting. Love always Heather

Re: thought I was alone in this shit until I came
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 24 23:21:14 2002 (#13621)

evewrything you said was true.Im in the same boat you are in, on my way to recovery getting better but I still cut deep here and there, its not good. But Im trying, just as you are Welcome here, Im glad you find it comforting, I always have too take care of yourself and keep posting to update as how your doin. take care Hun -KAT

not alone!
Posted by crystal on Fri Jan 25 06:02:55 2002 (#13631)

i'm so glad you've started getting better. anytime you want to email me is wonderful. i would love to hear from you. its nice to know we aren't alone. even though its kind of sad in a way to - the fact there are so many out there who cut themselves. anyway, i hope you find some peace here.

xoxoxo,

crstl

thought I was alone in this shit until I came here
Posted by Heather on Thu Jan 24 22:40:18 2002 (#13619)

Hey,

I was a self injurer and suicidal . I tried to kill myself about 12 times and I'm amazed I'm still alive. I started cutting about three years ago and it just got way worse. First it was small scratches and then it went to razors and cutting deep. I only cut a little bit now, but I'm making my way to recovery, Cutting is like an addiction, once you start it seems impossible to stop. I would love to email some of you guys, because I thought I was really the only one that cut ,and that there was something wrong with me. But I want you all to know that I have been through that shit, and trust me, now that I actually tell people how I feel, rather than cut, I feel so much better. I've been called phsyco and freak so many damn times, its not even funny. So far though, I love this site, It shows the realism involved in cutting. Love always Heather

**Dreams**
Posted by crystal on Fri Jan 25 05:30:49 2002 (#13627)

last night i had a dream of a huge barren landscape of snow. up out of the snow a large bird began to form. slowly it hardened into an ice eagle and flew up into the air. as it flew suspended above the snow it turned into a naked woman made of ice. she bent backwards, pointing her breasts to the sun and vomited a gyser of gravel. she did this about 5 more times. the second time she vomited a huge spray of rocks she turned towards me and as the gravel hit me it turned to ice cold water. i began to notice that every time she would vomit she melted a little bit. she was the most beautiful thing i'd ever seen. i wanted to save her. but by the time i reached her only her head was left sitting in the snow. i reached for her but as i did she vomited one more stream of gravel and melted through my fingers. i was so full of grief i fell on the snow screaming and sobbing. then i woke up. how many of you believe in the relevance of dreams? what are your dreams like? do you attach much importance to them? i was just curious since dreams can be so intense and interesting sometimes. whats your most interesting dream?

xoxox,

crstl

Re: **Dreams**
Posted by Heather on Fri Jan 25 17:33:29 2002 (#13635)

Hey,

I always find dreams so intriging, they mean so much more then what they seem. My most important dream I can recall, is when I used to be a self injurer. My best friend , Jenna,was never a self injuer and was always there for me, and still is, but anyways, the dream went like this. .. I was in this new house with a guy I new, and he kept on hitting on me, and I kept on telling him to fuck off, but he wouldn't listen to me. Then I saw Jenna outside through the glass door, and she was on the phone with her mother. Then I noticed Jenna had cut herself all over. Her arms and legs, stomach, everywhere! she was in so much pain and trying to hide it. I went to open the door to go outside and help her, but I couldn't open the door. I banged and screamed at her, "Jenna! What Have you done!!", finally I broke through the window, and Jenna, finally got off the phone with her mom, and her mom had no idea she was hurt. I gave Jenna a hug, as we both cried, and then I felt her pain all through out my body and I realised I was cut all over, just like her. It was a very sad dream, but I realised that everything Jenna had felt in the dream was exactly what I had felt in real life. I'll never forget that dream, because it was a pure nightmare. luv always heather

Re: **Dreams**
Posted by diana on Fri Jan 25 22:25:21 2002 (#13637)

this is really freaky... but ever since my sister got her licence a year ago, i have been having dreams about how she would get into an accident n die.(i guess im just worried but whatever).. and a couple weeks ago, indeed, she did get into a car accident and totalled her car. she didnt get too injured.. just bruses n shit but her friend go pretty injured but they are ok now...

heather
Posted by crystal on Sun Jan 27 02:26:51 2002 (#13673)

thats pretty intense. its amazing how dreams can make us feel things we are trying to avoid in real life sometimes.

xoxoxx,

crstl

Re: **Dreams**
Posted by cindy on Sat Jan 26 00:07:33 2002 (#13639)

I dont think I attach too much importance to my dreams-nothing like they contain within them truths about my inner sub-conscious as I can mainly attribute most of the stuff that gos on in the to things that will have happened to me recently. but that does by no means mean my dreams are coherent or normal, quit the opposite in fact! there are recurring themes mainly-dreams where I'm blind, dreams with knives (the most unpleasant of these being one in which I was lying on my back and my brother was slowely driving two 6 inch kitchen knives into my chest). my favourite dream has to be the one where I was a roman centurion in a remote outpost fighting the barbarians-it was very bizarre and far too complex to describe. I can control my dreams most of the time which is also an added bonus-for example I often try to bring my gran into my dreams as I miss her greatly(she died last summer). being able to dream about her is a small comfort i suppose. take care. cindy xox

Re: **Dreams**
Posted by KAT on Sat Jan 26 03:40:55 2002 (#13643)

wow...that was very interesting dream, it would be a nightmare to me,I dunno why it just sounds kind of disturbing, especially when you can't escape it from "dream world". I take a medicine called seroquel at night and I've read up on it and actually a side effect to it is abnormal dreams and well thats whats been reported, so I have had a few wierd ones over the past year. I dont think Ill explain any of them because they involve alot of people that are either close to me as a friend or hated enemy. Oh yeah..I fucking HATE some people in this world. once I remember the best dream I think I ever had. It was me and my grandmother who is deceased now. She was like a second mother to me when I was a lot younger, and I miss her terribly. So anyways it was me and her and it was just us standing under a very warm bright sunlight and we were holding hands and I dunno, it was sooo magical....and so real and I didnt want it to end, too bad thats all I remember from it. thats all..hehe love KAT *sweet dreams*

Re: **Dreams**
Posted by ashley on Wed Jan 30 10:21:18 2002 (#13789)

Inmteresting dream. The Indains used to believe that when you dream something it has or will happen. Now a days the say that dreams are something that is on your mind but that you keep burried deep witnin you. I think that maybe the lady in the dream could represent you. You want to help yourself but you don't know how. Just a thought.

The worst dream I ever had was I was in this pool with a guy and he had a pen, he held it up to his throat and motioned like he was going to kill himself. I was just like yeah whatever you won't do it, I don't believe you. Then he did he stabbed in throat and killed himself. If I had believed him I could have stopped him, I'll never get over the feeling of guilt and pain I had when I woke up from that dream.

now i am stummped
Posted by scared as all hell on Fri Jan 25 12:59:24 2002 (#13632)

does anyone know that feeling? it is like a tinglying feeling when you love someone... well i get this all the time and i like him alot but i don't think i want to do anything like that yet but i know if i want him to like me i have to so i don't know what to do! he has now switched some of his classes around so he can be w/ me ahhhhhhh i make up some lame excuse so he can't come over like i have to go to 8th hour but i never do or i have to go to a club meeting. stupid shit like that. and as far as the drugs and alchohol goes the school councler just asked me if i wanted to be in tatu (teens agains tobacco use) and i said sure so i guess i shouldn't do any of that shit... i have good news now... i have been cutting ever since high school started and it has been about 3 weeks i am hopein this is for good it is just when my siblings piss me off i punch the wall instead well i have to go now please return replies... thanks so much sincerly, scared as all hell

Re: now i am stummped
Posted by heather on Fri Jan 25 17:43:36 2002 (#13636)

scared as hell, i'm glad you might start to stop the drugs and alchohal, because, I used to get stoned every day, and now it has been about two months since I did any of that. And I know the feeling your talking about, love, but if your not ready , then don't go into it, but let the guy know your not ready, and tell him, that if he likes you as much as he seems to he will wait for you to be ready. Trust me, you have to love yourself first, before you can fully love someone else. Also, you have your whole life ahead of you so take time, and do what YOU feel is right for YOU. luv always heather

Re: now i am stummped
Posted by KAT on Fri Jan 25 23:26:41 2002 (#13638)

I hope things keep gettin better for you, and if something happens that isnt so good well you know it'll be okay because your a strong person and you can get things in order. take care -KAT

Re: now i am stummped
Posted by crystal on Sun Jan 27 02:24:28 2002 (#13672)

you don't HAVE to do anything. if you have to DO something to have him like you - fuck him. you don't need that. love is a feeling of mutual care deep down inside your belly and if he isn't willing to give that to you just because of the person you are - if he expects you to pay for his affection - he is NOT worth it. trust me. i've been there. it only leads to hurt. its awesome that you have stopped cutting!

xoxoxox,

crstl

new to this site
Posted by zandra on Sat Jan 26 03:24:56 2002 (#13640)

do people here really care about one another? i'm new to the whole cutting thing. i was just wondering if you like new people comin in and posting stuff on here. idk y, i was just wondering though. thanx even if no none reads this.

Re: new to this site
Posted by KAT on Sat Jan 26 03:34:47 2002 (#13642)

Zandra..Hello, and welcome here. I can't speak for everyone and there are quit a few people who post between here and the other psyke board so I do happen to have a few attachments, but on the other hand I care about anyone and everyone who has had the same or similiar expierences as mine. For example, expierenced cutting, depression, abuse, and drug addiction, simply because I know the feelings they feel and will feel and by caring we can try and help each other out, I guess thats what this place is all about. I hope you are able to stay safe and find some satisfaction towards your problems from help here and from the people here, I'm sorry you've had to come here under these circumsatnces, but non the less..welcome. :) I'm KAT..well thats the name I go by. so don't feel afraid to type out what you are feeling, no matter how bad it might seem to you. I hope I can help..take care always-KAT

Re: new to this site
Posted by zandra on Sat Jan 26 03:48:51 2002 (#13644)

thanks KAT. i'm glad i can talk to other people. a couple of my friends know i cut but they haven't really cared much or helped. but i'm glad i can talk to other people who are going through the same things.

Re: new to this site
Posted by zandra on Fri Feb 1 01:44:22 2002 (#13813)

i can relate to the friend thing. a few of my friends know and they don't do anything to stop me or care much either. i know how it feels. if you want feel free to im me anytime. my sn is sassycggurl. <3 ya zandra

Re: new to this site
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jan 26 16:10:23 2002 (#13661)

Hi Zandra, Of course you're welcome to come here and we all really do care about each other. Everyone here is like my adopted kids. Just so you know, I don't cut but my daughter does. That is how I got started coming here cause she did. I do my best to try and give advice without judging cause that nevers helps any body. Please feel free to come here and let us all try to help you. You can also email me if you ever want to talk to an adult. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: new to this site
Posted by crystal on Sun Jan 27 02:07:14 2002 (#13667)

people seem to really have a care for each other here. everyone has been through something the other can identify with. at least a little. its a good place for support and just to share whats in your head. with people who will understand you aren't crazy.

lots of love,

crystal

I am very suicidal.... I am gonna take the pills..
Posted by lys on Sat Jan 26 05:11:42 2002 (#13647)

for the past week, everynight I have sat up counting every single pill I have in my apartment. I have 62 celexa, 17 imovane, 91 extra strength tylenol, 49 naproxen, and about 20 pills for my stomach, and then my presciption pain killers. Plus about 60 300-mg iron tablets, amoxicillin, and aspirin. I think I might have more too. I have just been feeling so shitty. I don't know what to do. I can't go to the hospital, I can't tell anyone because they might send me to the hospital.

I saw my therapist today, and she said that she had "never seen me look so happy", when in fact, I feel worse than I have in months. I had to laugh to cover the tears. I hurt so bad, I am not sure what to do.

I have a plan. I am going to take the sleeping pills, the celexa, the iron, the pain killers, the amoxicillin, and the naproxen. About half an hour after, I will take the tylenol, and the aspirin. Then I will cut, because I always get scared at that point and cutting will help. Then, I may jump out of my window (I am 9 stories up).

I am kind of scared though. But I am going to do it. No body likes me. I am not going to get anywhere in life, and I am never going to have anyone to love me that I can love back. I will always be alone. So I am going to die. I am just waiting for the perfect time. So far there hasn't been one. But it will come very soon. I know it. I just have to wait a few more days. Maybe less.

I am so sad right now. I hate my life.

Re: I am very suicidal.... I am gonna take the pil
Posted by Lindsey on Sat Jan 26 06:14:17 2002 (#13650)

Oh hun, please don't. Email me or talk to me on MSN (lgibson@hotmail.com), please?

Re: think before you act more rationally..Love you
Posted by KAT on Sat Jan 26 06:20:12 2002 (#13651)

This post makes me very sad, very sad to be in the situation that I am in and have been in..wanting to and attempting to kill myself, when in the after math I would have definently regreted going through with it all. I can tell you one thing sweetheart, not to discourage you will actually yes to discourage you from going through with this plan. I had that same sort of plan the celexa will do nothing as my counselor explained to me after I told her my "plan" the tylenol and the amoxicillan and the apsirin can be very dangerous, give you liver cancer, failure at an early age, therefore a long painful death and maybe a big tummy ache but thats about all..I don't really think the other pills will ahieve what you are trying to ahieve here. I am telling you all this because it is the truth and because I am desperatly wanting to convince you to not go through with this. It is obvious you are hurting and that you want someone to reach out, Im reaching out and Im sure everyone who reads this will reach and out in our hearts take your hand and comfort you. It'll be okay as long as you dont do you're plan. It might not seem like much now, but I truley dooo care. I do very much..you are like me in so many ways and I care about myself, and I am here telling you that I care for you and do not wish you to see you in this much pain. By sayin you will cut, wel cutting is a way of coping you know, to feel better you want to live stil , please say you do. If you didnt want to you wouldnt bother cutting to cope with the feelings. I hope you will maybe come to a better comclusion about your precious life and take things slower and think them through before doing anything drasic. I hope to god that you are safe and I pray that God takes you in his arms no matter what you do with your own life. Take care Please I am here, I will be all night..please be careful and don't kill yourself. Please. love always and forever-KAT

the pills will work...
Posted by lys on Sat Jan 26 06:54:51 2002 (#13657)

I took the tylenol before.... and that with the other pills is bad. It causes liver failure. I am going to take it with vodka. One of my old 'roommates' at the hospital was a pharmacist, and she told me many ways that will kill me. Plus the fact that if I jump and cut too, the doctors won't even notice the pills right away, and then it will be to late because the way I am gonna do it there is no antidote, and they will be out of my stomach and through my system by then. So it will kill me. And I won't die alone. I have thought about this a lot. I know how to do it so it will work.... This is the plan that might actually work because I will die, but I will have people around me. I can't explain to you how important that is to me. I have lived my whole life alone, I don't wanna die alone too.... Thanks for caring enough to respond... you to lindsey...

Re: the pills will work...
Posted by KAT on Sat Jan 26 07:04:34 2002 (#13658)

Please reconsider... and don't go through with this. much love and care-KAT

Re: the pills will work...
Posted by confused on Sat Jan 26 11:53:43 2002 (#13659)

i have no idea if the pills will work so im just going to blabble in the hopes that you will read it and you will know that someones cares and that you arent alone.

everyone (or most people) inside themselves and you can not say you are alone out side coz first of all you have everyone here is your freind and i care about you enough. i know your probably thinking hey you dont even know me why should you care and you are right i dont know you but i care. you are like me and there arent many people like you and me and if i didnt have you and everyone else here i would be truly alone. please dopnt make me.

please please please please please please don't
Posted by jes on Sat Jan 26 13:38:19 2002 (#13660)

hun, i know, it feels like it won't get better. like you're on your own, that it won't make any difference to anyone. that you're gonna live the rest of your life like this. but please beleive me when i say that it won't be like that. i don't know much about you (moslty due to me forgetting what ppl write) or your situation, but it's obvious that you have got people who care about you, you have a life in front of you that someday, will make you glad that you didn't go through with it. i don't kow how helpful or other i've been but PLEASE re-think what you're talking about, e-mail me (even if you just wanna shout at me for anything, i don't care), rant and rave to the board, talk to some one, but please, don't give up. take crae, love xxxx

Re: please please please please please please don'
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jan 26 16:16:23 2002 (#13662)

Please lys, don't go through with it. You have so many friends here and we all care about you. I know that nothing I can say will change your mind but know that no matter what you do, I will still love you. Please condsider things several times first. If you want to talk, email me! Take care sweetheart. Love, Rhonda

PLEASE LYS - hear me out! don't do it!
Posted by *me* on Sun Jan 27 01:54:39 2002 (#13666)

Sweetie, I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll begin by emphasizing that I CARE ABOUT YOU and DO NOT (I repeat, DO NOT) want to see you hurt yourself like this! Please! I know that suicide seems like the only way out - I've been there before, too! But please, you have to trust me, offing yourself is NOT the only solution. I know, it seems like the only way to make the pain stop. I know, I really do. But please try to think about some good times that you might miss if you're gone. I am not going to say that things are going to improve, that they will become drastically better. I can't say that, and I can't promise it, because it may not happen. But at some point in your life, there's going to be SOMETHING that happens, and you're going to say, "Boy, I'm really glad that I am still around for this." And there are going to be lots of crappy moments when you will want to stop the pain again. It's a part of life, and it's especially hard for us as cutters, and it sucks. But you have your whole future in front of you, and ending your life is not the answer. Please, please, will you try to talk to your therapist or call a hotline or something? Just give it a try? If your therapist thinks that you've "never been happier" at least try telling her "I'm not happy - I've never felt worse!" I know what it's like to have people think you're happy when inside you feel like shit. Worse than shit. But things can't get better if you don't talk to someone. (ha, easier said than done, right? I should take my own advice.) But I tend to think that *maybe* deep down you WANT a different solution, because otherwise you wouldn't have posted. Am I wrong? Anyway, please know that you are loved by a lot of people here, and you mean a lot to us all, and we would miss you terribly if you left us. Please stay - for us and for yourself.

Lots and lots of love, take care, and PLEASE stay safe!

Re: PLEASE LYS - hear me out! don't do it!
Posted by jue on Sun Jan 27 09:34:58 2002 (#13689)

lys....i am really worried and scared for you and i wish i could take away the pain and the hurt and the aloneness. i know the feeling of being alone and it seems to consume me sometimes....but please please try to find a little hope somewhere that it will get better....hugs so many......

take care hun....

julie

LYS? LYS? LYS? come back
Posted by KAT on Sun Jan 27 18:53:37 2002 (#13697)

please post something anything , it doesnt have to say something just post so we know you are still with us. all my love to you -KAT

Re: LYS? LYS? LYS? come back
Posted by lys on Mon Jan 28 06:08:27 2002 (#13730)

hey... I am still alive. I am just coming down from a manic episode. I feel like shit, and I am dead tired. I will write later. Bye...

Re: LYS? LYS? LYS? come back
Posted by *me* on Tue Jan 29 22:14:09 2002 (#13777)

Lys, I'm sorry you feel like shit. I am very glad that you are alive, though. Please take care and stay safe. Lots of love.

unnoticed and broken
Posted by lara on Sat Jan 26 05:25:48 2002 (#13648)

Hey i feel really fake writing this, but this is the only place i feel safe. i wish people in my own life would notice that i feel so depressed but it seems that they are too busy with their own stuff and i have become too good an actor. i managed to convince my mom a huge slash across my wrist was from playing badminton in gym. that scared me so much, have they become so blind? i started cutting recently. the first time was with a dull pair of sissors that took a half hour of scratching for it to bleed. it got infected and my wrist swelled up but no one noticed even when i wore t shirts in gym. i guess thats why i started, so that someone would tell me that they care and actually show me that they do. now i use a scalpel i found in the medicine cabinet. now i can't stop. i wish to fix myself but i don't know how.

Re: unnoticed and broken
Posted by KAT on Sat Jan 26 06:26:01 2002 (#13653)

learn some new coping skills or ways that suit you to get people to see your pain. A good way would to sit down with someone you love trust and care for and tell them exactly how you are feeling. Im sure nothing bad will come of it, maybe a trip to a doctors office and some medicine to get you back on your feet and back to your normal feeling self. Depression is a sickness and unlike any other sickness needs to be payed attanetion to and taken care of imiditatly before it gets any worse. You know, Im sure you know what I mean..take care of yourself. Maybe your parents arent blind they are just wanting to trust what you say and scared to think any different. Take care and take things easy, dont stress yourself out. love-KAT

Re: unnoticed and broken
Posted by Lindsey on Sat Jan 26 06:32:20 2002 (#13654)

Reading your post, the first thing that came to mind was the song "Fix Me Now" by Garbage. Fix me now/I wish you would/Bring me back to life.

I can totally agree with what you've said. I believe that's why suicide is such a big roll in my life. If I off myself maybe then people would see the pain I'm in.

This may seem TOTALLY self-centered of me, but here's a quote from my journal ...

When I kill myself I'm going to mutilate my body so damn bad. Cuts, bruises, burns, and maybe a broken bone. It'll be awful. And people will cry, "I never saw it coming. She was always a happy, funny girl."

Why can't I wear my heart on my sleeve so people can see I need help, that I'm dying on my own? I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't. I want to be able to laugh and to smile and not have it be a cover-up of the darkness that lies underneath. I just want someone who understand me and what I'm going through, but there's no one. I can go to Rachel, but she's doing so good in life and I don't want to drag her down. I could run to a therapist, but they don't know me. I'm alone. I'm alone with only my unquiet mind to keep me company.

Re: unnoticed and broken
Posted by Lindsey on Sat Jan 26 06:32:35 2002 (#13655)

Reading your post, the first thing that came to mind was the song "Fix Me Now" by Garbage. Fix me now/I wish you would/Bring me back to life.

I can totally agree with what you've said. I believe that's why suicide is such a big roll in my life. If I off myself maybe then people would see the pain I'm in.

This may seem TOTALLY self-centered of me, but here's a quote from my journal ...

See, you're not alone.

poop, ignore the first one
Posted by Lindsey on Sat Jan 26 06:36:37 2002 (#13656)

Yeah, ignore the first post

Re: unnoticed and broken
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jan 26 16:26:07 2002 (#13663)

Hi Lara, Since I'm a parent let me put it in a point of view from my side. I was in total denial about Tara's cutting till it was forced on me at the police station. That woke me up. From then on we both vowed to do whatever it took to help her with this, knowing that it could take the rest of her life. It is so scary to know that your child is hurting themselves and you think, "what did I do wrong for them to feel like this?" A parent hopes that if they ingore it, it will somehow go away, which is not true. Maybe telling your mom you really need to talk to her and telling her you want some help will jolt her enough to get help for you. Depression is nothing to fool with. It's a serious medical condition that needs to be treated. When Tara started therapy sessions, I went with her several times and it helped me to understand how serious this was. Hopefully your mom will do the same for you. Please let me know how things are going and if I can do anything to help you deal with your mother. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: unnoticed and broken
Posted by crystal on Sun Jan 27 02:12:47 2002 (#13669)

oh, sweetie. i'm so sorry. people are always blind. but there are those out there who have eyes that come from experience. here is one of those places i think where you can talk to people who will understand and listen to you. people get so caught up in their own lives that they can't see outside of the screen of their own face sometimes. and people also try to hide from pain. so they ignore it - even if its in someone they love. have hope. things will get better.

lots of love,

crystal

Re: unnoticed and broken
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jan 27 04:42:35 2002 (#13678)

Lara: I've been broken my entire life and I am 49. Before the cutting I did different things at different ages. When I was a teenager I could have received help had I only known how to speak the pain inside me, instead I told them "I don't know" and I didn't I began disociating (splitting) {going off into another world I created in my mind} and inside there I hid away all the bad things that happened to me. I was so detached from what was going on at home it took being beat up, slapped silly, knuckled beat into my head for me to remember my mother was mean, in between time I would forget it.

OMG............I never put that into words before........

Thank you!

If I could have told someone how my mother was with us kids, we could all have got help. Now I'm a cutter (down to 3-4 a year) and it is terribly difficult on my whole family.....I'm the one that nutted out. They still keep their childhood experiences locked away and never take them out to see how it screwed up decisions they've made, or who they are today, and how they relate to other people, even family.

I'm not the only one with problems, I'm the only one getting help for mine.

Please trust me....life can be better. But you have to be the one to take the blinders off others, not by cutting.... people just get the idea we are strange, crazy, ignorant...and they run from us. Finding my voice was the best thing that ever happened for me. I like living in the now and learning other ways to tell people how I feel inside... and right now I feel sad. tears are leaking from the corners of eyes s as I think of you using a scalpel on your delicate skin. My arms are covered with scars that won't EVER GO AWAY.....Life changes, scars fade but they never go completely away. I don't want that for you. May God give you a voice to ask for the help you need... Love and Peace... Dawn

*Ben Stein voice* Anyone, anyone?
Posted by Lindsey on Sat Jan 26 06:21:19 2002 (#13652)

Do any of you have a LiveJournal? I'd be interested in reading them. Mine's nothing more than shootin' the shit with myself. I don't openly talk about my depression and self-abuse, but who knows for the future.

Anyway, if you have a LJ mind if I check it out?

http://www.livejournal. com/users/danikus/

Re: *Ben Stein voice* Anyone, anyone?
Posted by crystal on Sun Jan 27 02:15:12 2002 (#13670)

i'm just an idiot but what's a live journal? is it just recording your voice? i'm not good with all this computer stuff. grew up in the woods without electricity. so i'm still gettin the nack of all this bullshit.

xoxox,

crystal

Re: *Ben Stein voice* Anyone, anyone?
Posted by Rabbit on Sun Jan 27 10:05:30 2002 (#13692)

I don't have a livejournal, but I have an opendiary. It's fun. Anyone can check me out at opendiary.com at the diary name of multiple me.

I have returned...dammit
Posted by Rabbit on Sat Jan 26 23:05:51 2002 (#13664)

Hey y'all. It's been a long time since I've been here. There are all these names I don't recognize, but there are still a few that I know. (Dawn, Tara's mom :), etc.) I'm cutting on a regular basis again... grrr. *sigh* I really hate that. I go a while cut-free, but I always come back to it. Well, anyway, I'm back. Just wanted to say "Hi".

Re: I have returned...dammit
Posted by KAT on Sat Jan 26 23:10:04 2002 (#13665)

yesterday I was reading through my old posts on here that I posted from a long time ago and you're name kept comming up. Ya know I was wondering where you were off too...sad to see you back, but Im glad you're here. Sad because cutting sucks, and Im so much like you. Stop for a long period of time even..but always..always come back to it. It like lives inside me and comes out when I don't need it the most. Anyway..welcome back..I hope things are okay, be safe and take care. love-KAT
:)

Re: I have returned...dammit
Posted by crystal on Sun Jan 27 02:18:38 2002 (#13671)

why are you cutting yourself again? did something happen or just falling into it again? i don't really do it on a regular basis, just severly when something is wrong. i've got to lay off it awhile though since i went to the emergency room drunk with my arm gushing blood on new years. whooo hooo. what a way to start the new year. anyway, hope you are feeling better soon.

xoxoxox,

crstl

Re: I have returned...dammit
Posted by disturbedgurl4u/bladelover on Sun Jan 27 03:40:28 2002 (#13675)

dont u just hate it when that happens just when youre proud of yourself for not cutting in a week or however long for you but then one night youdo...... that makes me even more pissed off making me cut more one big cycle... im sure thats not really what youve been waiting to hear but i just thought i would share........... katelyn

Re: I have returned...dammit
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Jan 27 23:02:53 2002 (#13699)

Hi Rabbit, Sorry you're cutting again, but I'm happy to hear from you. You know you can still email me if you ever want too. Keep in touch. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Out Of Control*!!*
Posted by crystal on Sun Jan 27 02:37:44 2002 (#13674)

so, i was telling my ex that i still can't feel my arm from where it was stitched up 3 weeks ago. so he said i should burn it with a lighter to see how much i can feel. dammit. i love these people around me but they are all these depressed artists and musicians who are in love with pain and full of self loathing. i am too which is why we all get along so well but we send each other deeper into this disgusting pot of darkness. parties at my house are constant and out of control. everyone gets so trashed no one can remember a thing. the floor gets set on fire. someone shits on the bathroom floor. there is vomit everywhere. people passing out and pissing on themselves they are so drunk. people on god knows how many drugs. i can't even begin to go into it but it gets so out of control. since schools started we've all settled down a bit but soon as we're depressed its get drunk and spiral further into this morass of hopelessness. a friend cut his leg and ate it for gods sake. what is going on in this place?! its only been 3 weeks since i went to the emergency room but i have barely gotten better. sorry for this rant. i am just constantly feeling that i am swimming in an ocean of black oil and barely keeping my chin above the slickness dragging me down. thanks for letting me rant.

lots of love,

crystal

Re: Out Of Control*!!*
Posted by Rabbit on Sun Jan 27 03:57:17 2002 (#13676)

Perhaps a positive influence is needed. I'm not really into the mentor/good influence stuff that people try to throw at us, but Jesus! (a friend ATE it! EEEWWWWWW!) Is there anyone in your life who knows and supports you, but doesn't encourage you to hurt yourself more? I know that if it weren't for my friends, I'd be much worse off than I am now. My $0.02

Re: Out Of Control*!!*
Posted by KAT on Sun Jan 27 06:27:59 2002 (#13684)

Crystal..I kinda know how you feel my life is one big out of control mess inside this huge bubble of control and sanity. Its so wierd, every weekend I have to at least get high once at least and if not Ill go crazy..so far still smokin'. same old shit, different day..my life is terrbile because of this. and Im sure your sounds like it is very hard. It might all seems like fun but the after math is terrible, please take some control...if i knew how id be doing it myself so i cant say i know how but please get some help. you cant do it all on your own, so dont try..itll make you more down. Take care and Im here to support you, I can try my hardest if you can too take care -KAT

kat thanks
Posted by crystal on Mon Jan 28 00:36:59 2002 (#13701)

for some reason you really seem to know what i'm talking about most of the time. that means a lot. it feels like you are kind of in the same spot i am and its maybe led you to some sort of the same understanding. every time i hear you give someone advice i'm just like - yep. couldn't of said it better myself. i'm glad you're here kat. thanks.

xoxoxoxoxo,

crystal

ps where are you from?

Re: Crystal :)
Posted by KAT on Mon Jan 28 00:44:41 2002 (#13704)

Thanks for the kind words, they go straight to my heart and make me feel a lot better about what I write on here. I am glad you can relate to me, I can relate to probably a lot of people on here and vise versa, we are all alike in so many ways, I guess thats how we can support each other so well. I am from Texas..yep.. take care of yourself. love KAT

P.S.
Posted by KAT on Mon Jan 28 00:59:53 2002 (#13709)

sometimes this board gets a little slow which is possibly a good thing, Im not sure if Ive seen you over on the other psyke board. Its run by the same site I think but the address is www.psyke.org a lot of people post over there as well. take care -KAT :)

texas?!
Posted by crystal on Mon Jan 28 01:27:30 2002 (#13717)

ha! texas! thats pretty sweet. i've met some cool people from there. a really amazing film chick in my class is from texas. i live near seattle - going to school in olympia. thanks for the tip about the other board. i've never been there. i just accidentaly discovered this site about a week ago or something. anyway. thanks.

xoxoxoxox,

crystal

Re: texas?!
Posted by KAT on Mon Jan 28 02:29:17 2002 (#13725)

that's interesting. Yeah Texas isn't much, out of all this space that Texas takes up you'd think theres something amazing here to see but there really isn't unless you like dirt roads and trees. I have been coming here on and off for a long while..it's been a home to me, when I first came here it opened up my eyes to so many things about myself that I thought would never change. take care -KAT

thanks rabbit
Posted by crystal on Mon Jan 28 00:41:15 2002 (#13703)

the problem is my friends are just in the same spot i am. thats why we're friends. we understand each other. we try to support each other most of the time. but if we all hit bouts of depression at the same time its a nasty spiral. my mom is a real help in my life. i give her a call when things are too out of control and let her know whats happening. shes a bit of an anchor. this town is just a fuckin pit. its an artsy town of depression and everyone wants to be a rockstar or the new flavor of the month (seattle/olympia). so its just in the air. thanks for listening to my rant.

xoxoxoxox,

crystal

Re: seattle
Posted by kim on Mon Jan 28 02:37:54 2002 (#13726)

i love seattle!!!

just thought i would share.

Re: seattle
Posted by crystal on Mon Jan 28 03:00:36 2002 (#13728)

me too!!! where are you from kim? seattle is beautiful. but this rain!ugh!and it is so dark all the time. but it leads for some good music and art. atmostphere and all.

xoxoxoxo

crstl

Re: seattle
Posted by kim on Mon Jan 28 22:08:55 2002 (#13738)

i'm from pennsylvania...i lived in seattle i think last summer or so

Hello, I'm better, new addy for e-cards
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jan 27 04:02:48 2002 (#13677)

Hello, I've been sleeping the days away and awake all not playing Legend of Legaia on my new PS1. Now when I feel down, or angry, or any other unwanted feeling I turn on the game and kick some beefed-up ass. I spend most of my time beefing up, and racking up the levels so when I meet the realy bad guys I level them with no effort. Its good exercise for my rapidly healing thumb, but it sure is tired after 4-8 hours. BUT IT BEATS CUTTING!!!!!!!

After months of nagging by my b/f because I spelled Innocence wrong {Innonence} I dropped the email site completely. My new e-card addy is Peacewanted@webtv.net it is where I store most of the companies that have good free greeting cards. I like sending them and feel blessed receiving them as well. NO SEXUAL OR VIOLENT CONTENT please.

If you are able to receive cards and like sending them send me one to that addy and I wlll send one back to you. This too is better than cutting.

In fact just about anything is better than cutting. I saw a program the other day and I could not take my eyes off how sweet and undefiled the girls arms and legs were, and I cried. I can never go back to that purity of flesh.

You know many of you younger ones don't have to let cutting take over your life. Tell someone how you feel with words, if not spoken then written. Don't let grievances build up that is how we explode and grab the razors, or scissors, or cigarettes or lighters, or whatever else we use to create lasting scars on our bodies.

Its hard to stop cold turkey, but if we try other things when the urges first come into our minds slowly we begin to cut less and less. Now I finally have cut down to 3-4 cuts a year, when it had been 3-4 cuts a day. My heart is with you all....Love Dawn

Re: Hello, I'm better, new addy for e-cards
Posted by KAT on Sun Jan 27 06:44:36 2002 (#13687)

Dawn, its soooooo so good to hear this positive post from you. It really truely is, Nice new addy I like it. I will send ya a line hopefully soon or within the week if not sometime I will..I love hearing from you. take care and keep up the encouraging words, they dont go un noticed here love KAT

Re: Hello, I'm better, new addy for e-cards
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Jan 27 23:07:02 2002 (#13700)

Hey Dawn, If you like that game, you should see if they have The Legand of Zelda. That is a really cool one. Craig played for 6 hours straight one night. I can't do that cause my eyes would cross on me!! Glad to hear you're feeling better. I'll remember your new address for e-cards. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: Hello, I'm better, new addy for e-cards
Posted by crystal on Mon Jan 28 00:45:15 2002 (#13706)

yeah, it hits me sometimes when i see kids playing and it breaks my heart how happy they are and i just want them to stay happy forever. never to be like me. with these fucked up scars and scabs barely healing over before i start picking them again. i want them to stay in that innocence.

xoxoxox

crstl

Depression??
Posted by fallen angel on Sun Jan 27 04:49:28 2002 (#13679)

ok i have a freind.... well actually he's my older sister's, B/F, brother, but whatever we kinda hang out, he suffers from drepression and is also suicidel... but that's not why i'm writing, i kinda have a question. i cut (obviously) and i ware the dark make-up and the black attire, my parents and i don't get along... ok you get the picture anyway, he say's that i don't really suffer from depression b/c really if you are depressed you don't do anything, you try your best to get along with your parents b/c "you" don't like confrentaion, you don't draw attion to your self aka black attire, cutting... i'm not on any medication b/c my parents don't believe in that kinda of thing. So i guess i'm just wondering is there really anything wrong with me? and if it's not depression what the hell is it??????

Re: Depression??
Posted by katelyn on Sun Jan 27 04:57:52 2002 (#13681)

i cut and theres no "it" wrong with me i like to say...... it makes me feel better. try it. well not really but for a few minutes it does.......

Re: Depression??
Posted by KAT on Sun Jan 27 06:32:45 2002 (#13685)

if you know in your heart that your sad, dont listen to anyone else. Only you know how you truly feel and no ones words will change that..take care of yourself. depression is a sick ness that only gets worse with time, get out your feelings now and go on some medication to prevent this sickness from spreading. take care love KAT

Re: Depression??
Posted by confused on Sun Jan 27 09:54:40 2002 (#13690)

your 'friend' has been alitle misinformed. some people that cut will have depression some people that have eating disorders may have depression some people with eating disorders also cut but dont have depression.

i would never say there was anything wrong with you and you might still have depression people have differnt ways of dealing with it. you wear the dark make up and the dark clothes right? so maybe you are setting your self out being differnt and cutting can be way of doing that to and maybe you dont care what people think or say about it coz you are trying to keep them out. thats a sign of depression too.

or maybe im babbling and i make no sense. i mean i am a nut case so dont take me too serouisly

Re: Depression??
Posted by Rabbit on Sun Jan 27 10:01:10 2002 (#13691)

Okay, first of all, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Depression has nothing to do with what you wear or if you get along with your parents. It manifests in many different ways, as all people are different and deal with their emotions (or lack thereof) differently. Not all dpressives cut, not all are actively suicidal, and not all are non-functioning. There are several types of depression (bipolar, dysthymic, major depression, etc.) so no one can tell you that you are not depressed because you don't act like them. As far as "what is depression" there are zillions of sites on the web and books of all types that will give extensive answers to that question. In short, depression is a deep and/or overwhelming sadness that is more than just average "blues". Everyone gets sad, it's a part of life. but if sadness persists for more than a couple of weeks and is accompanied by certain "symtoms" then it is considered depression. Symtoms include: change in sleeping or eating paterns, irritability, suicidal thoughts or actions, self injurous behavior, decreased level of functioning, etc. All of these are signs of depression. Do some research and see if you believe that you are depressed. if you are, then try to see a therapist, because depression sucks and gets out of control really easily. Meds may not be necessary, but they can help sometimes. But most importantly, tell this guy to "shove it". Take care and be safe.

Re: Depression??
Posted by crystal on Mon Jan 28 00:51:49 2002 (#13707)

don't let people tell you how you feel. what do they know. they aren't you. i used to say the same thing about people who wore black all the time - just trying to be gloomy and wallow in sadness. i thought most of them didn't know what true sadness was. but i realized when i got to college and my best freinds became those people that wore black and were obsessed with industrial, that i was completly wrong. i realized how much more they knew about pain than most. and these are all huge generalizations but i guess i'm just trying to say - don't let people tell you how you feel or what you are because they don't really know. there isn't anything wrong with you. you're dealing with life. and sometimes life is really fuckin sad. it can be beautiful too though. sometimes the darkness makes the light brighter. anyway , enough from me.

lots of love,

crystal ps and keep up with those beautiful poems

thanx everybody!
Posted by fallen angel on Tue Jan 29 06:18:40 2002 (#13763)

Hey guys thanx for your insite and your encouraging words, i dunno why i'm still with this guy(and yeah i know i made him out to be just an aquantienc??(sp?) but it's alot more complicated than that) ... ok well i don't know what else to say so thanx again guys.

ct ppl?
Posted by katelyn / bladelover on Sun Jan 27 04:55:13 2002 (#13680)

are there anyone here from ct?? just curiouse ..... thank you

Re: ct ppl?
Posted by crystal on Mon Jan 28 01:15:59 2002 (#13715)

where's that? sorry. i'm bad with abbreviations. xoxoxox, crystal

Re: ct ppl?
Posted by zandra on Tue Jan 29 02:03:40 2002 (#13752)

i think she means conneticut

Re: ct ppl?
Posted by katelyn on Tue Jan 29 03:54:20 2002 (#13758)

yeah connecticut.... sorry bout the abbrev. thing

Re: ct ppl?
Posted by zandra on Tue Jan 29 21:54:27 2002 (#13775)

that's alright it's cool.

"Sick"
Posted by fallen angel on Sun Jan 27 05:53:19 2002 (#13683)

Ok here's another poem, and i know you guys have never read any of my "love poems" but i did at one time i might have three or four anyway.. i think it might need some work but here it is...

sick

i’m sick of writing of love for love is the one who has abandoned me i’m sick of laying a awake in bed and arguing with voices in my head i’m sick of this life and all the pain and confusion it causes i’m sick of being alone and tired, scared of what I might do next, scared that i’ll never love again. i’m sick of the of these tears, and the sleepless nights that they cause. sick of trying to be someone I’m not, and putting on a show so you won’t know that the pain in my head and stomach come only from the torment in my mind and my cold and bleeding heart.

By *fallenangel*

Re: "Sick"
Posted by KAT on Sun Jan 27 06:39:23 2002 (#13686)

I reallllly loved that poem. Great imagery there hun. I liked it a lot.. take care and keep writing its good for the soul. -KAT

Re: "Sick"
Posted by zandra on Mon Jan 28 00:38:07 2002 (#13702)

hey that was a good poem. i liked it. it had a great idea to it. i wrote a poem too if you wanna read it sumtime im me at sassycggurl. i have aol. ok well i gotta go but i just wanted to tell you i liked yur poem. take care. <3 zandra

Re: "Sick"
Posted by crystal on Mon Jan 28 01:14:17 2002 (#13714)

well...that was definatly not your typical "love" poem. i like it. i love it when you post your poems. "arguing with the voices in my head" - don't i know that one.

oxoxoxoxo,

crystal

Re: "Sick"
Posted by Catherine on Fri Feb 1 23:45:34 2002 (#13824)

I do not know how to describe the intense familiarity I felt when I read your poem. I write poetry also, and I am always looking for poems about the same things that I write about i.e. depression, cutting, lost love, suicide, eating disorders. Thank you for your poem. I truly felt it.

Supposedly
Posted by ashley on Sun Jan 27 09:19:54 2002 (#13688)

I made the gash a lot bigger lastnight. I had limited my self to small area so I could have an excuse. But last night I had "rage fit" at my friends. They piss me off so much,but of course came home to the knife, and the limits were cut away. The rage was still there but the gash felt sooo good. Ok I'm done venting. Thanx, ash

Re: Supposedly
Posted by KAT on Sun Jan 27 17:03:00 2002 (#13694)

Yes I understand.."Friends" ; can be a major pain the ass, and sometimes I wonder why I am even friends with these people but anyway. I hope your cuts all heal with care, and mine as well. I hope you feel better, love KAT

Re: Supposedly
Posted by crystal on Mon Jan 28 01:10:17 2002 (#13713)

oh sweetie, i know how it is. but it still scares me to hear. it makes me worried. i was just in the emergency room a few weeks ago for taking out that rage a little too deep. sometimes it just happens so fast. just be careful. i don't want to be preachy 'cause i do it too. but it hurts to hear someone else hurting themself too. i wish i could fix it.

xoxoxox,

crystal

Dying to Live
Posted by KAT on Sun Jan 27 18:51:41 2002 (#13696)

Ok so I was watching this show earlier on the life time channel, I love that channel. It was a show called "After Jimmy". This wonderful family had three kids the oldest was Jimmy an 18 year old boy. He had everything, and he was on the football team and all that in his high school..I dont know if they explained why he wanted to kill himself, but he did. and The family was so upset, I mean once you deside to end your life. You think its for the best to put you out of your misery, yet the suffering truly begins when you are gone. The family of Jimmy had all the signs of a depressed child, yet the hid it away in their mind along with him also acting as happy as he could manage I suppose. Although those are just actors, I've been through the realiy, almost ending my life..going through with the terrible thoughts in my head. waiting in the emergency room for hours and hours, bright lights, stitches, people crying, asking me so many questions. Its all such a blur. UGH. LYS, and so many others on here have come here pleading for their life, telling us their plans..maybe we can stop them maybe we can talk some sence into them. I dont know, I just wanted to share this is hopes of maybe some of you seeing, as well as myself realizing suicide isnt the answer at all unless we are out to achieve suffering for our families and friends for a life time and so on. take care -KAT

Re: Dying to Live
Posted by kim on Sun Jan 27 19:49:00 2002 (#13698)

i saw that on TV too...it was good...i was watching it with my old best friend...who i probably made go away because of me hurting myself...but i will shut up now...bye

good point
Posted by crystal on Mon Jan 28 00:58:52 2002 (#13708)

i just wish i could somehow show people how beautiful life can be. that no matter HOW dark, no matter how hopeless - the light of life is not that far away. that light doesn't last long but we can do so much here. the world is so full of things that can make us happy. just give the universe a chance to show it to you - blah blah blah metaphysical bullshit but i believe it. when i left for india last year i had no idea how much it would open my eyes to the good we can do in this world. i want to be able to somehow show people how beautiful it feels to take the dark sickness in your soul and FIGHT IT by doing some good in this world. there is so much that needs fixing. and we can all fix it because we know what pain is. man, i am really rambling but its the morning after another night of drinking. but i am working on these paintings and i think they might actually be able to say something to someone. i have a show in a month and i hope i am ready with something that can make those people FEEL the importance of LIVING. i really love you guys even though i don't really know any of you. i hope we can all get through this. xoxoxoxox, crystal

Re: Dying to Live
Posted by Dawn on Fri Feb 1 09:22:07 2002 (#13822)

Thanks Kat... From 1989-1999 when I was very suicidal most often the thing that stopped me from jumping off freeway overpasses, roof tops and balconies, or stepping out in traffic was the horrendous trauma it would cause the people whose car window I fell on, or the ones walking on the sidewalks below, or the drivers or passengers of the car that might have ran me down through no fault of their own.

You see, I've known people who commited suicide, one man blew his brains out in front of his wife and small child. And the pain they suffered lasted decades. One of my mother's brother's hung himself and his teen age son found him and cut him down. It probably stayed with him for the rest of his life.

And me.... when I was 9 or 10 years old I was awaken by my mother's screams and ran out into the hall and stopped dead in my tracks as I saw my father standing bleeding to death in a pool of his own blood. That vision will never leave me.

BEFORE my total breakdown I was in college at the age of 38 and was in a psychology class of early childhood. The first day of class the instructor asked us to put our chairs into a circle and told us we would go around the circle tell us our name and our first memory. Like a nightmare the vision of my father came in my mind and what everyone else was saying went unheard, because I was trying to think of a way of not telling it because it was as vivid as the night it happened.

Thankfully time ran out one person from me. When I left the room I didn't go to my next class. I walked as fast as I could to the registra's office and dropped the class and almost put myself in jeopardy of being kicked out because of the dropped credits.

Suicide, and even serrious attempts like that of my father's leaves lasting memories and grief to those who witness them, or discover the bodies. Knowing how it felt like I could not be so (and pardon me for sounding judgemental) in-humane as to cause innocent people such emotional horror. So many times I forced myself to back away from guard-rails, highways and get myself away from the place of temptation. One night I was actually caught by a crisis counselor deep in comtemplation of jumping from a bridge into a shallow creek. He asked me what I was thinking, and I didn't want to lie, but didn't know what to say. So he said the word himself, saving me from forcing them out, and I just nodded. I spent a few days in the hospital...again.

But I'm still here! And a lot of good has come into my life.... a life just 3 years ago was as desperate at your's. Life can get better if we don't give up.... Dawn

i just can't win
Posted by sara on Mon Jan 28 00:45:13 2002 (#13705)

i went almost 4 whole months without cutting. but i lost. again. and again. and i'm just stupid. i remembered again. i went into my closet to get my clothes...and it hit me again. i just want to be invisible

sara

Re: i just can't win
Posted by crystal on Mon Jan 28 01:01:57 2002 (#13711)

why do you want to be invisible???? i bet you have so much beauty in you that you can't see. seriously, why do you want to be invisible?

xoxoxox,

crystal

Re: i just can't win
Posted by sara on Mon Jan 28 01:50:08 2002 (#13720)

i got some pictures of me back today with my boyfriend and three best friends. i saw me--almost too think wearing a big sweater to hid not only scars but also weight. i'm in the arms of the best guys i have ever met who only wants to make it all ok. . . . . why do i want to be invisible? probably the same reason i starve myself and hurt myself. i hate myself. i don't deserve to live. i had a nanny for several years who has been charged on accounts of "sexual abuse of a secondary caregiver." i was the first, i didn't tell. she hurt other kids. its my faught.

sara

Re: i just can't win
Posted by KAT on Mon Jan 28 02:18:19 2002 (#13721)

I know it seems like this battle between our bodies and our hearts is never ending. I have gone quit a while without any cuts at all..close to a year and then I cut again, and then again and again. It comes in cycles for me, I won't do it for the longest time but as soon as people stop remembering my past and my problems and start thinking Im "fine" and trust me I go back in my little shell of lonlyness and cut my feelings away. It's so discouraging and it feels like it's just the end of everything, but it's really not.It's the beginning of a new start. So you cut, so you remembered the old feelings that cutting brings, now it's time to get back on your feet and try as hard as you can to fix the things that have gone wrong. Some things aren't fixable, they just fade, the hurt fades, and time is the best healer of all..Remember that. and take care love KAT

dreams
Posted by zandra on Mon Jan 28 01:01:44 2002 (#13710)

do dreams of killing yourself signify anything? because i have a lot of them and i always end up living but i am still killing myself in the dream. i was just wondering because idk if i should be scared of the dream or not think of it at all. <3 ya bye

Re: dreams
Posted by crystal on Mon Jan 28 01:06:43 2002 (#13712)

i don't know about you but i know my dreams have taught me a lot about myself. but from the time i can remember i have ALWAYS had ONLY nightmares. dreams of dead people or killing people. but dreams aren't images like a painting (for me anyway) that stand for something else. you killing yourself in your dream could mean a lot of things. wanting to change something in yourself maybe. i can't say what it means - but just because it is a negative image doesn't mean it has a negative meaning or message. it could be your unconcious is trying to tell you something important through very powerful imagery. but if it disturbs you maybe write it down to deal with it later and let it go until a time you can think about it without it bothering you too much.

xoxoxoxox,

crystal

Re: dreams
Posted by zandra on Mon Jan 28 01:30:23 2002 (#13718)

ok, i can see what you mean. i never end up dying or anything. i just usually swallow pain pills and cut really deep. idk if it's sumthin i want to remeber but if it will help i suppose i could try it. thanks for your help. <3 alaways zandra

Re: dreams
Posted by KAT on Mon Jan 28 02:21:32 2002 (#13722)

well this is what I have been told about thoughts and dreams of killing someone and killing myself. Thoughts are just thoughts, doesnt mean we act on every thought we have. And dreams are totally and almost always mis-conceived. Just because we dream of killing ourself doesnt mean we actually want to do it all. It could mean a number of things, maybe that you have hurt and anger that you want to get rid of "kill" thats deep inside yourself, and by killing it you will be okay. thats just a thought, like I said it could mean anything.. it doesnt mean at all that thats your destiny, Im sure. please take care and dont let your dreams scare you they are just a pathway into your soul..with very different meanings. take care love KAT

Erase Days Like Thoughts On a Page
Posted by crystal on Mon Jan 28 01:23:00 2002 (#13716)

wish i could erase days like thoughts on a page. words miscalculated in lead exhiled to small white shavings created from this old eraser head. wish i could stick it in my head. erase my brain. erase my pain. erase my memories, like they never happened. price just a worn out hole from this paper soul. worn thin from too much erasing. dissapearing days doing Houdini tricks in this black memory box, reappearing. to remind me i'm supposed to cry. most days i don't even know why. sometimes i look in the mirror and remember...i'm not pretty. hate the way reflections spit at you truths people won't tell you 'cause of conscience. and i think... i should be proud of who i am. came a long way. from the old days. when i used to cut myself to watch my skin bleed. just like everybody else. i just didn't have the balls to make it count. sometimes i cry 'cause i don't think i'm pretty. i just need everybodys pity. 'cause i'd rather not remember other things. rather find some substitue. some excuse. for this hate i feel. everyday. just want to escape. from yesterday.

Re: Erase Days Like Thoughts On a Page
Posted by KAT on Mon Jan 28 02:23:32 2002 (#13723)

what a perfect explanation to my life. that was great Crystal, you are a very talented writer. take care -KAT

Re: Erase Days Like Thoughts On a Page
Posted by Catherine on Fri Feb 1 23:49:31 2002 (#13826)

Your poem is amazing. Thank you.

a poem i wrote
Posted by zandra on Mon Jan 28 01:32:41 2002 (#13719)

please give me back my heart

You will never know what you put me through. All the broken promises that will never come true. What a horrible way to leave. Now you’re holding on too tight, I can hardly breathe. And all I can do is cry in bed. But what do you care, You’re dead. You decided to leave before your time. You didn’t just end your life, You ended mine. I talked to you like I did no other. You weren’t just my best friend, You were considered my brother. You said you left because you couldn’t take the pain. Well to me your excuse is kind of lame. I feel pain all the time, But you don’t see me ending mine. I guess you weren’t the person I thought. Couldn’t take it when a situation got too hot. If you truly want to be apart, Could you please, give me back my heart?

Re: a poem i wrote
Posted by KAT on Mon Jan 28 02:26:19 2002 (#13724)

Zandra..I don't mean to sound stupid but that was very deep, deep rooted with hurting emotion. What a great way to get out the feelings of hurt, it doesn't make them go away, but putting feelings into words that are so hard to remember is a good step in recovering from painful times. I especially loved this poem because of it's content...I can relate to it in my own life
:( very nice -KAT

Re: a poem i wrote
Posted by crystal on Mon Jan 28 02:58:23 2002 (#13727)

those words sound so full of hurt. its very very beautiful.

xoxoxox,

crystal

Re: a poem i wrote
Posted by Catherine on Fri Feb 1 23:47:38 2002 (#13825)

Your poem is amazing. Thank you for touching my heart through your words.

GETTING USED TO ALL THE SHIT
Posted by mego on Mon Jan 28 05:07:24 2002 (#13729)

my mom hasn't been drinking nearly as much lately, not since the last time i ran away, or got kicked out, or whatever the hell happened, i don't even know. that was about 3 or 4 weeks ago, i think. so, everything has been cool with us. i've been crying over the stupidest shit lately. i was sitting in my room, playing with the rat i bought last week, and i just started crying so hard. i wasn't even thinking about anything. i dont think about anything anymore. everything i do is just kinda like a reaction. i haven't felt any emotion, except sadness, and that is just always there, so i think i'm getting used to it. is it good or bad that i get used to that? i think i'm gonna roll next weekend, if i can come up with the money. i'm really excited, i want so bad to be happy and to feel good. i'm just afraid i'm going to want to always use it, if i use it once. but what does it matter anyway, nothing really matters. like i said, everything i do is based on reaction, almost mechanical and routine.

Re: GETTING USED TO ALL THE SHIT
Posted by KAT on Mon Jan 28 23:21:34 2002 (#13742)

Hi there..Im glad to hear that thins are okay between you are you're mom, sounds like youre having some pretty tought times over there, Im sorry things have to be the way they are. Be careful, I know you want to feel happy and using drugs is similar to using anti-depressants to get you feeling okay, but X is a strong thing and be sure that you are with someone you trust, Im sure you know..but it doesn't always turn out good. Im not sure if it's a good thing to feel used to everything, maybe you're not so much used to it as you're growing deeper into a state of Apathy. You don't feel..and I know that's not good. But you said you cry for no reason, the crying spells..those are bad like I explained in a nother post. Crying spells are good yet they are also bad in a way..they mean that you are heavily into your depression yet you are still feeling, but don't know why. Im not sure how to fix all this or I would have done so myself, but I am here to tell you things get better and everything will be alright as long as you don't stuff the feelings that you do feel down way down so that they are un recognizable. If you're sad then be sad, theres nothing wrong with that. take care of yourself, and feel better. love KAT

Re: GETTING USED TO ALL THE SHIT
Posted by mego on Tue Jan 29 03:09:04 2002 (#13754)

thanks :)

"cat scratches"
Posted by Bleeding Angel on Mon Jan 28 07:08:00 2002 (#13731)

well, i've fallen into my hole again and cut myself. i'm leaving for Florida in a few dayz and i'm kinda upset at myself for cutting b/c i wanted to go to the beach w/my aunt and tan and not worry about anyone seeing my scars (almost all the "visible" ones are faded). i cut in a different spot this time. instead of being rite on my thigh or arm i cut rite below the bikini line. i only did three cuts from my "traditional" four so if anyone does see it i can say it was the cat. i had to cut. everyone was home, i was upset--overwhelmed and scared and angry and alone--i couldnt let my anger out ne other way. it was a relief to finally cut again. i cant believe i said that. it soundz so wrong to feel like that. it was different in every way. a new feeling, a new way of cutting, a new place (i usually cut in the safety of my room but today i cut in the shower). i didnt cry like i usually do afterwards b/c i feel guilty. i actually felt that i had the rite to do this and that it was okay. i know if i tell my bffl she'll make me feel guilty but i cant not tell her b/c she'll get mad at me when she sees the scars. ::sigh:: i wouldve talked to her tonite about it but she was drunk so... i'm alone w/my thoughtz tonite and my bf wont talk to me--he never does. we're breaking up tomorrow. i get to do the honors b/c he wont... and he doesnt even wanna be with me. 2 weekz of stressing over him amongst other thingz and this is what i get... i asked him out and everything. it took so much courage to do that. he was my first bf. yeah, 'Sweet 16' (almost 17) and i'm just having my 1st bf. i've still never been kissed. i'm all virgin, pretty much... lol ::sigh:: ok, this is getting pathetic. i'm gonna end it. byez!

Re: "cat scratches"
Posted by Drew on Mon Jan 28 08:49:09 2002 (#13732)

ok, forget everything you just said. look at the first sentance you wrote. you're going to florida! that means your life really isn't as bad as you think it is and that you should consider yourself lucky. I've never been to Florida. my life isn't the greatist it could be but yet I'm still here. try to look on the positive side of life instead of just focusing on all the negative crap that doesn't mater. the thing with this bored is, yes. it is a support thing and we're all here to help but one must also be carefull becaouse all too maney times have I been sucked into the negative side. this bored is filled with other peopls problems and if you don't watch out you get sucked into them untill your whole world is filled with cutting and drugs. I've been there and I know that it sucks. read my rib story some time. Any-who this is a depressing bored and my advise for what it's worth is to only look at the posts' that you feel you can posibly help with other wise it'll just bring you down. try thinking possitive for a week and tell me if your life still sucks. don't worry about every little thing that happens in your life, just take it one day at a time and know in your heart it will be the best day every day :) of corse if you want you can sit at home and bitch to a computer about your problems hopeing they'll go away. either way it's your choice.

laters.

thecutthatneverheals :)

Re: "cat scratches"
Posted by KAT on Mon Jan 28 23:28:36 2002 (#13743)

hhmm..I dunno I hope that if you tell anyone the cat sratched you way up there, or way down there someone might be suspicious, but none the less do what you feel is right. Theres always other ways of dealing besides cutting, but I know cutting is one of the easiest and fastest ways of cutting out the anger and hurt for that short moment. I have also found that writting reallyy really gets those feelings out at the heat of the moment. As you're "boyfriend" or ex as he might be now goes, forget about him. It doesnt sound like your very upset over breaking up with him but I know its tough and can be very hurtful, boyfriends and high school and all that goes together and it has been a nightmare for me so I hope you deal with that in a good way, if he doesnt want to be with you Im sure he's no good for you anyway. I hope you take care of those cuts, especially out at the beach, by the way have fun In Florida. I would love to go lay out on the beaches there, but I am stuck here in Texas.
:( anyways..take care and dont feel alone or ashamed of your way of coping with stressful times, cutting, its just a way of coping that we've almost all learned somewhere and now it's grown to be a sickness inside of us. Its not really a thing to be ashamed about, yet it isnt really something to be honorable about either, Im just letting you know I understand how you feel. take care love KAT

Re: "cat scratches"
Posted by Bleeding Angel on Mon Feb 11 05:51:45 2002 (#13966)

well, i'm back from Florida. i'm glad to be back home where my friends are. i straightened a few things out while i was in Florida. i thought about a lot of things and i think i'm doing better. i have some goals set up for myself that i'm trying to reach rite now and as far as the whole dating scene goes, i'm just gonna go back to my "i-dont-care-attitude&quo t; and see what happens. i just wanna say thanx to Drew and Kat for their responses. i appreciated the input. i'm not one thatz really good with advice so i'm not much help but if i had to give any kind of advice that might work it would be this: when life gets out of hand try to get away for a bit to clear your mind (ie: vacation, a walk, a swim--whatever relaxes you) and think about the things you wanna accomplish in life and then try and set goals to achieve those accomplishments. (i know this must sound like sum funky, cheesy self-esteem thing or sumthing but its the truth and itz helped me. i wish i had done it sooner.) secondly, get rid of all the things in your life (ie: people, memories) that upset you or make you depressed. (my "grave-diggers" would be my "parentz," certain "friendz," a few hurtful memories, and sum of my other "family" members.) well, thatz my advice. itz not really good but itz the best i can do. hope it helps someone. stay sweet & lotza luv! xoxo

Re: "cat scratches"
Posted by KAT on Mon Feb 11 22:02:40 2002 (#13974)

Glad your doin better! great advice. love ya -KAT dont ever give up your goals.
:)

Lys ?
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Mon Jan 28 08:58:35 2002 (#13733)

why exactly is it that you're so infatuated with the idea of takeing your own life?

can your problems really be that bad? you complain more than anyone on this post but yet yours allways has the least to say?

be honest with me...... are you just reaching out for help? (or attention) if so just say so and I'll send you an e-mail full of BIG FANCY WORDS. otherwise you could look up one post and read my previous advise. let me know.

laters.

Drew :)

no response necessary
Posted by Lindsey on Mon Jan 28 15:59:53 2002 (#13734)

I'm not in gymnastics, so please bear with my poor terminology. You know in gymnastics those two bars where one is higher than the other and the individual swings around them and all that wonderful stuff? ... ...

Sometimes I see myself as the person on those two bars. I'm zipping around and around from bar to bar and back again. I'm having fun. I'm doing good. I'm living. Then I slip. Sometimes I fall flat on my ass, sometimes on my legs spraining them. But no matter what I hop back on. Why? Because I need to make it to the Olympics. But wait ... what's this? My hands slipped. I'm falling, but I don't hit the ground. How could this be? Have I defied gravity? Was Mr. Newton wrong? No. I had let go and instead of colliding with the ground, my face smashes into one of the bars. I can see myself here. Blood and sweat spring about, like when a boxer gets hit. I worked so hard to get here. This isn't the end, this isn't even the middle. There's still a long road, but for some reason I let go.

Why?

is so bad..?
Posted by broken human on Mon Jan 28 19:17:49 2002 (#13735)

is so bad that i hurt? nine years of this plague... Not destroyed yet, cant seem to die, can't seem to live? Why is it so bad i hurt? I dont stab at you, i dont hurt you, yet all alone i stand needle in my palm. So numb, so cold, just one cutt, i need to be warm. emo.

Re: is so bad..?
Posted by heather on Mon Jan 28 20:17:03 2002 (#13736)

Hey I know how you feel. The feeling when everyone tries to make you stop, and you ask your self why? Its my fucking body, not yours to take care of! but in reality, if this is what your talkiing about, the only reason people don't like to see you cut is because they care about you, and they see you hurt yourself and it hurts them to. They want to help you so much, but they don't know what to say. Try to understand, that one more cut, is another fall into self injury, and makes it harder to heal. I hope the best for you, xoxoxo heather

Re: is so bad..?
Posted by KAT on Mon Jan 28 23:37:40 2002 (#13744)

one person hurting inside believe it or not does affect many people around this person. Even if the person is not involved or engages in activities with these people. People can feel or sence when a nother is hurting..at least I can. Im sorry.. KAT

Re: is so bad..?
Posted by Dawn on Sun Feb 3 17:51:20 2002 (#13853)

broken human, I've been broken too. I thought I was so broken no one could put me back together. I felt like humpty dumpty, so I went in search of the doll, but when I found one it was a boy, of course I'd hadn't thought about that, and I was in a "I hate men phase" so I didn't buy him. Then one day I found a girl humpty dumpty with bows and ribbons and bought her with my last pennies. She is thumbtaced to my book shelf. I look at her each day and realize I'm not as broken as when I found her back in 1994, and I'm not as broken each day I wake up as I was the day before.

But when our lives and hearts are shattered into a gazillion pieces we cannot see beyond the moment.

So although you didn't ask for any advise or suggestions, I am going to give you one anyhow. Search for some symbol of how you feel. It could be even a piece of shattered glass, or something that was precious once and gather up all the pieces and put them in some kind of container and mark the day, or not, and put it somewhere you can look at it from time to time and see if you are as broken as you are now. It really works to build up hope.....And if you don't already know God is able to take the broken pieces of your life, just as He has mind and put the pieces pack together, either by crushing them even more, so that he can mold them into something beautiful later.

I still have broken pieces but not as much misery. I'll say a prayer that these words will comfort the readers... Bless you all with Peace that passes all understanding...Dawn

terrified of myself
Posted by Sofa on Mon Jan 28 21:32:08 2002 (#13737)

I am terrified of myself. It sounds stupid, but I am shit scared of what I am capable of doing to myself. I'm scared incase people see the cuts. I'm scared incase my bf sees the cuts, cos he's the only one who knows where they really come from. He'll threaten to tell my parents again. He'll try to heal me - again. He'll suggest proffessional help - again. So I'm basically living every day of my life scared to death. And the whole time I'm screaming inside. Why can't my friends hear me? Why can't they see that I'm not the brave face that I put on? Why can't they stop ringing me with their petty little problems? Why can't I stop being the doormat, and listening to them? Why can't I stand up for myself when they start having a go at me? It puts their small, insignificant problems into perspective when I'm sitting in my room, making myself bleed more and more and more, and crying myself to sleep because I can't get away from the one person who scares me the most. Myself.

Re: terrified of myself
Posted by KAT on Mon Jan 28 23:46:56 2002 (#13745)

I used to be like that I really thought I couldnt control my anger in times of rage and I couldnt. I was just like my mother and father yet I beat myself when I got mad. And when I got mad at someone who I was capable of hurting I hurt them ..and badly sometimes. It was so terrible and Ive learned over time to control my thoughts and to not act on the first impulse I feel. Its not bad to be scared of yourself because I dont know, you could possibly be capable of vishous acts upon yourself . It sounds like a lot of things are adding up inside of you and you won't be able to contain them much longer, I dont want to sound like your boyfriend but you do need some help. You cant manage to fix all this and all these hurting feelings by yourself. It's going to come out sooner or later, yet if you are the one to reveal the truth to the ones you care about, friends family then maybe things will be easier. In my case I was not so lucky, my secrets were thrown out on the table by someone who supposidley cared about me and from then on things did actually get better, although I hated that person with a burning passion inside. So just take things easy, tell your friends you are having a difficult time and cant really listen to their probkems because they are somehwat bringing you down, if they are true friends they would understand. Dont keep pushing all your feelings away..they stay inside you and burn your insides up and eat at your soul. so do what you feel is right and what you will benefit from in the long run of things. take care love KAT

crying??
Posted by zandra on Mon Jan 28 23:48:02 2002 (#13746)

is it ok to cry if you haven't cried since march last year? cause i have breakdowns but i neva cry. i just become more depressed and i can't deal with anyone. my dad tells everyone in my house to stay away from me so i can get through it but all's i need is sumone around to talk to it about. my dad says i'm unstable and no one shoul talk to me. is it ok if i cry or not

Re: crying??
Posted by KAT on Tue Jan 29 00:08:39 2002 (#13749)

CRRYY please cry, cry already, you'll feel almost 100% better usually after done crying. Crying is such a good way of cleaning your heart out and washing away hurtful memories and feelings. PLEASE sweetheart do me a favor and cry your little heart out until you can't cry anymore. I know I should take my own advice but its easier said then done. please cry, dont stop yourself just because you dont know if its right. Your dad sounds like hes trying his best to help you and let you sort things out within yourself, if you feel you need someone to talk to, no one will veer know that unless you tell them. We are all here to listen, unfortunatly we cant be there in person to give a great big hug. take care and dont let yourself keep away all the anger inside, let it come out slowly but surley it 'll fade with time , hoping that all goes well. love KAT

Re: crying??
Posted by crystal on Tue Jan 29 00:56:34 2002 (#13751)

of course its ok to cry!!!!!!!!!! its good for you. they've found that crying lets out some of the chemicals in your brain that make you sad. besides, not talking to someone is never the way to make them feel better unless thats what you really want. for what its worth you can talk to me about anything anytime.

xoxoxoxox,

crystal

Re: crying??
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Jan 30 02:11:11 2002 (#13782)

Zandra, It is absolutly okay to cry. In fact, have a good long cry since you haven't in a while. As for your Dad, I'd like to have about 10 alone with him so I could find out what HIS problem is. Does your mom know how you feel? Tell her! How about any brothers or sisters? Find someone who is willing to hold you. My biggest pet pev is a parent who is being "ingornat and stupid"! Don't get me wrong, I've been that way too with my kids, but I never pushed them away. In fact, I sometimes think I care tooo much. It's just that I read how some of ya'll's parents treat you and it makes me see red. I just want to slap them hard till they understand what they are doing to their own kids. Of course, that wouldn't help everyone, violence never does, but I would love to start up a workshop or something like that and make the parents go to something like this so they could understand more. Okay, I'll get down from my soapbox now. Just remember that it's okay to cry and personally I hope you cry buckets of tears. It's not good on your body to hold all that stuff in. Take care and you can email me if you ever want to talk. Love, Rhonda

Blood letting
Posted by Rabbit on Mon Jan 28 23:54:12 2002 (#13747)

I think that on an emotional level I have taken up the practice of blood letting. Like back in the olden days before modern science, they would "bleed" sick people to get the yuckies out. I guess in a sense that's what we all do, huh? I don't think I have enough blood in my body to get all the yuckies out of my system.

P.S. thanks for the warm welcome

Re: Blood letting
Posted by zandra on Tue Jan 29 00:04:37 2002 (#13748)

i agree with you. i don't think most of us have enough blood. i think the yuckies are all through out me. there is no way for mine to go away. i want them to and i wish they would but they wo'nt ever. it's my fault and i just think they won't. i like how you put it though. it's a very good point of view. well i gotta go. <3 always. zandra

Re: Blood letting
Posted by KAT on Tue Jan 29 00:20:01 2002 (#13750)

Interesting I've never thought of it that way. I like the idea of it though, and it's pretty true. Just like crying but in a different way of letting all the hurt out, well not all but the moments hurt or the days hurt. take care and take it easy on that blood letting Hun. -:) KAT

question?
Posted by zandra on Tue Jan 29 02:17:37 2002 (#13753)

how long has everyone been cutting or been dealing with people who cut in here?? i was just wonderin. please reply if you want. <3 always zandra

Re: question?
Posted by Erin on Tue Jan 29 03:24:28 2002 (#13756)

I've been cutting for almost a year and I've been posting on this board for a couple months...I think since like the beginning of December..I'm really not sure

Re: question?
Posted by KAT on Tue Jan 29 03:48:50 2002 (#13757)

Ever since I was a little kid I can remember doing things to myself that hurt me physically and it would make me feel better when I was mad or hurt. I started cutting two novembers ago..so a while ago, but not as long as some people on here.

that's all.. take care - KAT

Re: question?
Posted by Linda on Tue Jan 29 04:06:19 2002 (#13760)

Hi Zandra! Welcome! I am a non-cutter only here because I desire to help. I have been here since March of 2000.

Re: question?
Posted by Rabbit on Tue Jan 29 21:06:13 2002 (#13773)

I've been cutting myself for seven years now. Wow! I'd forgotten it was that long. I started when I was 15 and I'm 22 now.

Re: question?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Jan 30 02:16:31 2002 (#13783)

I've been dealing with Tara for a little over 4 years now. She still cuts, but not nearly as much as she did before. I found the board after watching Tara one day and I asked her if she thought anyone here would get mad at me for posting. She said probably not, and that's how I started posting. After some time, I have started considering everyone my "kids". I hope you all have a safe night or day, which ever part of the world you're in. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: question?
Posted by crystal on Fri Feb 1 01:40:06 2002 (#13809)

5 years cutting. but self destructive since i can remember.

xoxoxox, c

oh shit
Posted by mego on Tue Jan 29 03:17:31 2002 (#13755)

nell was having problems with her family over the weekend. tim told thier parents that nell's been having sex for the past year and a half and that she's addicted to coke. which isn't true, but their parents believed tim anyway, because they always believe him. he also told her that i said i hate nell and i only go over there to hang out with him. which, also, is untrue. all i said was that i hang out with him more than her when i'm over there, cause she's always on the phone or sleeping. nell called me, crying and telling me this, looking for a place to stay. i tried to talk to tim so i could figure out what happened, and hear both sides of the story and he just said "megan? don't listen to her. she's lieing, whatever she says is a lie. i never said anything. i'm cleaning my room now and i don't feel like fighting with anyone. bye" and he hung up before i could even say anything. this morning i saw him at school and i smiled and walked over to talk to him and he just walked away. what the fuck is up with that? i never yelled at him, i never accused him of anything or argued with him about anything. i haven't talked to him in a long time, and i miss him a lot. he's my big brother, he's always watched out for me like i was his sister, and all of a sudden he just stops talking to me. i don't understand it and it hurts so bad. there is no way that i can even talk to him, he just ignores me or hangs up on me. i didn't do anything. the last time we hung out or i talked to him, everything was cool between the two of us. shit... sorry. just bitching and if any of my other friends knew how upset i was they'd accuse us of being more than friends, and i've already been through all that shit, i don't need it again. shit. mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: oh shit
Posted by KAT on Tue Jan 29 03:56:11 2002 (#13759)

Im sorry..I would love to help you out in this situation but it's painful for me to read that and now that your hurting because of all this. It sounds soo much, too much like situations Ive been through in the last year and I really dont know what to say or Id have say it to myself long ago. Im here to sympathize with you and to help everyone understand friends arent always what they might seem to be. My best friend in the whole entire world went behind my back and got me into serious trouble, now Ive been paying with the consecuinces for the past year and a half. Im sorry megan..things are so shitty..I wish I could fix them I really do. I dont know why people lie to hurt other people, its wrong but it obviously means that person has something wrong with them somewhere inside them as well. I hope things turn out for the best in your situation, let everyone cool off including yourself and see what happens next. Best of luck to you! -KAT

Long Time since I've done this
Posted by KAT on Tue Jan 29 04:08:23 2002 (#13761)

my poems that I write almost daily add up fast and are so hurtful and are so meaningful to me that It's hard to read thme to others or when other people go behind my back and read them like my mom, god thats terrible. But I feel like posting this one on here it's called "It's all to real"..so here goes.

I'm sad and don't know why, I justcan't bring myself to feel, to cry. It feels as though a knife is turning in my heart , I'm broken now and falling apart. Life doesn't have to be this bad, nothing is real, I miss the life I once had. Another day passes, another life gone, another cut on my wrist, nothing is wrong. Why is it like this, why can't they see the pain and the suffering going on within me. Their ignorance blinds them and numbs them of pain, I wish everyday my mind would stay sane. Say it again, the pain feels good, the sharp blade on my skin, my past my life, it's all mis-understood. Hurt as a child, hurt is my life, Hurt is the feeling I get from the knife. My only satisfaction is the sight of my blood, beat me again, call me a liar, throw me face down into the fire. The rage I feel now , the hatred I show, it's the only comfort I've grown to know. It's to late for me, you've cut deep to my soul, the stitches the doctorscan not fix this hole. it grows and it grows with the sadness I feel, I'm already gone now, it's all to real. - (JKP)KAT

See thats one of my many crappy poems I write to help me feel better I am no great poetic person and I can only rhyme and shit but its what I feel and its all true. love KAT

Re: Long Time since I've done this
Posted by mego on Tue Jan 29 04:57:52 2002 (#13762)

its not crappy, its really good. seriously. i can relate to a lot that is in that. you're awesome, bro. i know how it is to have people read your shit behind your back. thanks for all the advise you've given to me. its nice to know that someone cares. keep writing, you're really talented.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: Long Time since I've done this
Posted by fallen angel on Tue Jan 29 06:28:08 2002 (#13764)

Damn Kat that was better than any of the poems's i've ever even attempted to write!! i think it's awsome and would like permission to put it on my site. it's not a site about SI just my site and i have a few of my own on there no one would probably ever see it b/c i'm not gonna advertise it in anyway. Just think about and get back to me. if you want you can e-mail me my addy is fallen_angel660@excite.com. thanx and be good to yourself

Re: Long Time since I've done this
Posted by KAT on Wed Jan 30 23:29:32 2002 (#13795)

Thanks, I don't know if I try ane make them good. when I write them theres no tellin whats goin through my mind so I just write down what my mind tells me to. You can put it on your site, thats fine with me. My name is Jessica now KAT if you wanna add thats it's okay with me or just KAT is fine. take care love KAT

Re: Long Time since I've done this
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Jan 30 02:20:34 2002 (#13784)

That's very good KAT! Tara writes poems also. A lot of hers are so dark they scare me, but I read them anyway cause it gives me insight as to how she's feeling. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

beautiful poem
Posted by crystal on Fri Feb 1 01:43:58 2002 (#13812)

i love your poem! its really sad and hard to read because it feels written with such honesty. "i'm already gone, its all too real." thats beautiful in its sadness kat. keep writing. and that thing about you not being a great poet is bullshit!

xoxoxoxox,

crystal

why can't we be understood?
Posted by Angel on Tue Jan 29 08:52:58 2002 (#13767)

Hiya. I'm new here. And I was just wondering, why can't people who aren't as screwed up as us help us? We're treated as though we're insane, or freaks, why can't we just be understood?? People suck. ~Angel

Re: why can't we be understood?
Posted by Amanda on Tue Jan 29 16:58:46 2002 (#13768)

people who dont experience what we do dont understand it. its like racism, racist dont understand enough about other poeple to understand that they are no differents to themselves. ppeople who call SIers names and things do it for different reasons. maybe they dont understand, maybe they are scared, maybe they do it aswell but dont want others to know. there are so many reasons for a single persons actions, its better to let them get on with it, or to talk to them. each to their own.

Love Trust and Pixi Dust Amanda

Re: why can't we be understood?
Posted by jes on Tue Jan 29 17:48:20 2002 (#13770)

i can see that it might look a bit wierd, so i suppose they might be put off by that. but there isn't any need for the nastyness that goes around.just today i was at my course and in one of the magazines there was an article about a woman wo SI's. and this guy looked over the shoulder of the person who was reading it and when it was explained, e just said 'twat'. i really did just want to cry. becasue i think that even if some people don't ssay it (and no, at the moment, no-one in particular), that is what a lot of people think - 'what the fuck does she do that for? how can hurting yourself make you feel better?' enough of the brain goo. xxxxx

Re: why can't we be understood?
Posted by KAT on Tue Jan 29 23:14:33 2002 (#13778)

I guess what people don't know and what they don't understand scares them and frightens them away, like we have some contagious disease, and in a way it can be..but thats no reason for someone to feel hate for another person who is just suffering internally. The best thing I can say about all this is that it's not anyones fault that they don't understand how I feel or how I think, we are all unique and theres no way they can possibly know what goes through my head, therefore things seem ok and fine, but really I feel like shit. I hope that helped a little hang in there, I know how you feel. -KAT

Re: why can't we be understood?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Jan 30 02:26:19 2002 (#13785)

Hi Angel, Welcome. I don't cut but I agree with you. People treat this like it's a dirty little secert that will go away if we don't talk about it. Of course, we know it won't go away. People are scared of what they don't understand and SI is really hard, for someone who doesn't cut, to understand. I still don't understand why my daughter cuts, but I support her in her effort to manage it. There are only me and Linda on the board who don't cut, but give us a chance. We don't judge or yell at anyone. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

i can't think of one right now
Posted by today, i won't say on Tue Jan 29 17:42:55 2002 (#13769)

i want to cut, cut really deep. deep like i've only ever done accidentally before. but i know i won't. i don't have the courage for fear of being found out. i know i'll just cut like i normally do and it won't be enough and i'll just do it more and more but it won't do enough. referring to an earlier post - no, i don't think thre is enough blood at this moment in time. not in the whole entire world. and even if there was, i'd be too scared too use it because no-one can know how i feel. take care of your selves, xxxxxxxxx

Re: i can't think of one right now
Posted by human disease on Tue Jan 29 19:51:15 2002 (#13771)

my name is joshua kendrick, and trust me i know how you feel. i have 12 scars of varying depth and have had 8 broken bones due to self harm. but i have found a way to deal with all pain.... well about 95% of the time. please contact me okky@antisocial.com

Re: i can't think of one right now
Posted by human disease on Tue Jan 29 19:51:44 2002 (#13772)

my name is joshua kendrick, and trust me i know how you feel. i have 12 scars of varying depth and have had 8 broken bones due to self harm. but i have found a better way to deal with all pain.... well about 95% of the time. please contact me okky@antisocial.com

Re: i can't think of one right now
Posted by Rabbit on Tue Jan 29 21:12:23 2002 (#13774)

I understand that impulse, and I'm so sorry that it hurts so much. Take care.

Re: i can't think of one right now
Posted by KAT on Tue Jan 29 23:19:30 2002 (#13779)

It gets to a point with almost everything where it does satisfy you anymore. and cutting especially. Ive gotten that way and I am still that way. The small cuts I do know in places no one will likely see if I keep covered up are no satisfaction, I want depth I want scares I want blood, even then I won't be totally full filled and my hurt is still therew, not even faded a little..why do I still cut I really dont know, I guess it helps a little sometimes. But it will never be like that first cut I made it will never feel as good as that. Thats like drugs, you get used to one you feel you have to move to some thing stronger. It's a terrible cylce, and from here you should test out some new coping skills and see how they work for you. Theres a lot I think listed on this site if not, any other SI site should have tons of coping skills. take care and don't let your hurt take over to much. love KAT *hugs*

Re: i can't think of one right now
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Jan 30 02:29:43 2002 (#13786)

Since I can't think of a nice little speech, I'll just say, please be careful. I'll also say a prayer for you because HE knows who I will be praying for. HOpe that's okay. Take care of yourself. LOve, Rhonda

scared.
Posted by zandra on Tue Jan 29 22:13:36 2002 (#13776)

i'm scared of march. idk what's gonna happen and i'm tryin to get help for it but i'm still scared. i was scared last year and looked what happened but this year i'm even more scared. does anyone have any ideas of how i can be less scared or try to be less scared? please reply! i'm desperate. thanks. <3 always zandra

Re: scared.
Posted by KAT on Tue Jan 29 23:22:10 2002 (#13780)

in what ways are you scared of March Zandra? I would love to help I'm just confused and don't really know how. I'm here to listen and try and help the best way I know how. Don't let your fear of something over take you, theres got to be something that'll make you feel safe when you are scared, anything. Don't be scared of the un-known.. take care of yourself. love KAT

Re: scared.
Posted by Linda on Tue Jan 29 23:27:50 2002 (#13781)

Knowing that you are protected by the God of the Universe and nothing goes unnoticed by Him should alleviate fear. I, too, wonder why you are scared of March in particular.

Re: scared. Why March?
Posted by Rabbit on Wed Jan 30 18:53:14 2002 (#13791)

Is there some anniversary suff happening? What happened last March that has confirmed you fears? What is it that particularly scares you? Relapse? Death? Craziness? The fear is not about the month of March, but of what you think may happen. So what may happen?

why i'm scared of march
Posted by zandra on Thu Jan 31 22:10:25 2002 (#13804)

i'm scared of march because that is the 2 year anniversary of my bffs death. he killed himself on march 29th and last year i started to cut. this year idk what's gonna happen and all my friends keep sayin that they hope i'll be ok. they want to try and help me get throuh it without doing anything but sumtimes i can't help doin sumthing. they don't know what i'm going through. they've never had to deal with anyone who cuts or cutting themselves. no one i know has. i just don't know how they can help if they don't know what i'm going through. that's why i'm scared of march. thanks for the replies. <3 always zandra

Re: why i'm scared of march
Posted by kim on Thu Jan 31 22:58:22 2002 (#13805)

i know how hard it is to loose someone to suicide...i lost one of my best friends last june, she was one of the greatest unique people i have ever met. there is not a day that goes by that i dont think of her. but think about this, would your friend want you to be happy or sad? i know you miss him so bad, but think about what he would want for you...its the only way you are going to get through all this....if you need to talk or anything email me

Re: why i'm scared of march
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 31 23:24:32 2002 (#13806)

Anniversaries of things that we wish never happened or would like to forget are very painful, and they dont necessarily get better with time. Eventually the feelings will lessen but its still hard , I KNOW! It's almost getting to the point of the year where I tried to take my own life for me thats a bad one. Im sorry..Im not sure how to help but to tell you that you're not alone, and that Im sure your bffs would not want you to be sad or have pain from his death, even though thats what suicide ultimatly leads to, I know.
:( take care, and on that day just remember the good things and the fun times and the best of the situation..dont be to hard on yourself take it easy, and be safe. love KAT! *many many hugs*

i have nothing left
Posted by mego on Wed Jan 30 02:53:47 2002 (#13787)

tim still isnt talking to me. i called over there, asking for nell, he asked who was calling and as soon as i said megan, he hung up on me. i have four really close friends, we're like sisters (nell, kristine, tina, steph). i slapped kristine as a joke, and she had to be a little pussy and cry and make a big deal out of it. i appologised and all that shit, but she ignored me, so i wrote her a note saying that i hardly hit her at all and to stop being so damn stubborn and to accept my apology. well, she told everyone that i slapped her really hard across the face (i smacked her forehead as a joke, how friends joke around, not even enough to leave a red mark. she's punched me hard enough to leave bruises but i never bitched about it, i never did shit about it)and now tina and steph are mad at me, too. obviously, they are going with kristines story. god, she makes everything into a big deal, she's always gotta be the center of attention and i am so close to killing myself right now. they are all i have in the world, the only people i felt like i could trust, and they've hurt me so bad. i want to die. if i do go through with it tonight, i want everyone to know how much i appreciate your help and how good its been to be able to talk to people who understand. who knows, though, maybe i'll be back in a couple days, having not fallen through with it. i really hope thats not the case, this shit needs to end. thank you, everyone, so much. i'm so sorry for not being able to make any of you stronger. i love you guys. peace.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: i have nothing left..please read Megan
Posted by KAT on Wed Jan 30 03:21:27 2002 (#13788)

Megan please dont do this because of your friends,. The same thing happened to me my only people, my whole world, my boyfriend and my best frienc, the only people I ever ever loved as people (besides family) they both broke my heart with each other. Every time I saw them together I would feel myself bleeding inside, it hurt so bad and eventually I tried to kill myself over it. but I was not succesful and now I am here, a little bit scared inside and outside but I look back and know that those people were never my friends to begin with, if they were they werent good people. Dont do this, I hope you are able to look back on all this and know that friends arent people who make you hurt inside or make you cut, they just arent. No matter how much you depend on them to make you feel happy and to save your secrets, please dont ruin your life over someone elses mis fortune. So your friends are mad, doesnt mean they will stay mad forever, I know so much how you feeel..I really really do. Please just keep in there, and think about the long run of things. I love you too..I want the best for you, please don't let God take you in his arms tonight, let him watch over you here on earth and make things alright. Take care of yourself megan, your an awsome person..dont give up this early! love always -KAT!!!!!!!!!!! *******HUGS******

Re: i have nothing left..please read Megan
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 31 00:08:30 2002 (#13796)

I hope thigs are okay with you!!! best wishes -KAT

Re: i have nothing left..please read Megan
Posted by Amber on Thu Jan 31 21:22:17 2002 (#13803)

Hey! I'm new here, but I saw your message and wanted to reply...I don't know how you are now but I HOPE you are ok! You've probably heard it before, but you definitely do not deserve to die. I;m really sorry about the situation w/ you and your friends, but if theyre beiong bitches then you have no reason to be nice to them! I know they're very inportant to you, but there are other people, probably a lot of people who would be good friends. At any rate, I'm not here to give advice, it's up to you how to handle this, but one thing. PLEASE try to stay safe! I hate to think of you doing such a thing, you deserve much more than that! Much more. I know I'm being hypocritical since I'm severely depressed and somewhat suicidal myself, but hey, we help each other when we can, right? I really hope youre ok! *hugs*

~Amber~

Re: i have nothing left
Posted by crystal on Fri Feb 1 01:47:10 2002 (#13814)

mego! don't do this! don't let them get you down! they will get over it. just give it a little time. you are too much a beautiful sweet poet to let this destroy you.

xoxoxox,

crystal

Re: i have nothing left
Posted by confused on Fri Feb 1 09:00:45 2002 (#13821)

you sound alot like me we even did the same things. i have two really close friends and i slapped one of them playfully (like you) and both my friends went pshcyo. i did the whole aplogising thing as well but it didnt work but they came around im sure your friends will too. just dont do anything to make things worse.

I'm afraid I'm ging to die
Posted by Rabbit on Wed Jan 30 20:30:15 2002 (#13792)

Okay, here's what's happening. I have Dissociative Identity Dissorder, formerly known as Multiple Peronality Dissorder. So what that means is that I have other people running around my head who come out and take over. It's a total pain in the ass, but what can you do, you know? (For further details you can check out my Opendiary @ Opendiary.com at the diary name of Multiple me.) Anyway, back to dying. I have a suicidal alter who is doing a really good job of spreading the message that death is a good thing for us. I can feel it, and it scares me. I don't want her to come out and do something drastic, because I can't stop her. I am totlly unaware when they are out, so there's not much I can do to stop them from doing whatever the hell they want to. I have a therapist, and we're working on it, but I'm afraid I'm going to die. Things are getting so much worse, and I'm starting to think this wouldn't be such a bad thing after all.

Re: I'm afraid I'm ging to die
Posted by Repeated Mistake on Wed Jan 30 23:13:14 2002 (#13793)

Wow. that really sucks. i have the same disorder tho, so if you need to talk, email me FireyEyes317@aol.com

Re: I'm afraid I'm ging to die
Posted by KAT on Wed Jan 30 23:26:40 2002 (#13794)

I haven't really been diagnosed with that bit I sometimes thought I had it, since I never told anyone (the nurses, counselors, therapists, doctors, and such) what I was really thinking. Im sorry I dont know much about that illness, but you can't let it take you over and harm you, I know easier said then done. Im sorry , 'hopin that you find a way that you can control you're different emotions and calm yourself to a good state of mind. Take care much love.. Im thinking about you. -KAT

That explains a lot... But there is HOPE
Posted by Dawn on Fri Feb 1 08:41:13 2002 (#13820)

Rabbit, I want you to know I knew a multiple years ago and one of her alters was the same way. But with therapy she was able to fairly successfully (oh what is the term now) it escapes me.... anyway the last time I saw her she was in control and had custody of her children back, and was doing quite fine.

Don't give up fighting for control. And don't give up Hope of the battle is finished. And remember.... I'll be praying for you.... Dawn

cutting is now....
Posted by jen on Thu Jan 31 00:40:32 2002 (#13797)

hey everyone hows life, that was a dumb question to ask but um... yeah... well my life is goin great now... i have learned to love myself and if you love your self you can love others! i know corney huh? well know that i love myself i have learned to love this guy... he treats me so good he was the reason i have learned to love myself!i have quit cutting my arm up although the scars remain i am feelin better all i have to say is I LOVE ERIC i don't know what i would have done w/ out you!!!! thanks so so so so so so much!!!

Re: cutting is now....
Posted by Erin on Thu Jan 31 02:28:21 2002 (#13798)

i probably didnt help you any but I'm glad your doing better and you love yourself. its a hard thing to do and overcome

Re: cutting is now....
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 31 03:25:14 2002 (#13799)

HI JEN! Its sooo cool to see all the positiveness one person can bring to the board, I love it. It makes me feel so much better about myself and this whole "cutting" depression situation. I hope that things work out for you and Eric , good luck. love ya much, talk to you later!
:) -KAT*

Re: cutting is now....
Posted by kim on Thu Jan 31 03:49:26 2002 (#13800)

im so proud of you!!!! im so glad that you are happy and made it through everything...this just proves that people like us can become happy and fix everything

HI I'm sorta bak!
Posted by Jenny on Thu Jan 31 14:14:53 2002 (#13802)

HIya everyone,

I'm just checking in to see how everyone is doing? well........... tell me. I'm sorry I anint been here for a while it woz like an addiction I had to keep coming back it's not like that now. Not being horrible to the site but it is what made me do it. im getting over it now only time is a gtreat healer. I may check back soon to see otha ppl but othewise ppl take care and plz plz plz plz stay safe Luv N hugz Jenny

Re: HI I'm sorta bak!
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 31 23:32:12 2002 (#13807)

Hi I totally know what you mean about the board and it does have anegative side to it. It does more then anyone probably thinks but its also very helpful, so take care and post back tell us how you are doing, but dont let it "suck you in." Im okay I guess..lots of cutting lately but eh..whats new. I guess that is new for me, I havent smoked in almost a week thats good also take care love and hugs to ya! -KAT

i have a poem
Posted by zandra on Fri Feb 1 01:39:42 2002 (#13808)

have you ever....?

have you ever seen stars run around in the sky? have you ever stopped and thought why? i have, and you know what, it wasn't worth it. have you ever stopped time fly? or have you ever wondered why perfect times passed you by? have you? i did, and it didn't help. it just made the problems worse. i thougt if i did all those things, my problems would sort out. i would be happy, but guess what, it didn't happen. so now, i just keep going, with all my problems. waiting for the one event, that will solve them.

i have a poem
Posted by zandra on Fri Feb 1 01:40:28 2002 (#13810)

have you ever....?

anyways if you like it cool. if you want to tell me or sumthin you can im me at sassycggurl. that's my sn. ok love to all. <3 zandra

Re: i have a poem ignore the 1st one
Posted by zandra on Fri Feb 1 01:42:10 2002 (#13811)

ignore the first one <3 zandra

Re: i have a poem
Posted by KAT on Fri Feb 1 03:59:57 2002 (#13815)

That was nice Zandra.
:) keep writing. It feels good to get out the feelings .. love ya- KAT

Re: i have a poem
Posted by mego on Fri Feb 1 05:04:04 2002 (#13818)

yeah

Re: i have a poem
Posted by *miss-stupid-ass* on Sat Feb 2 02:00:51 2002 (#13831)

that sucks a big black cock!

coward
Posted by mego on Fri Feb 1 04:53:11 2002 (#13816)

i didn't do it. shit. i failed at something else. it hurts so bad because the only thing i was sure about was that i wanted to kill myself. i was going to cut my wrists, as soon as i got through my skin and i saw blood, i changed my mind. i freaked out and carved "pain" near my hip. i don't know what i feel right now. hurt, pain, frustration, helplessness. its sick, but i almost feel pride in the little word carved into my skin. i keep looking at it, or feeling the open skin, to make sure its still there. but today, i felt alive for a few seconds. a guy who i met this year saw me when i was leaving school. he came up behind me and put his arm around me, while i walked down the hall. i smiled and said hi and hes like "are you okay?" so, i put on my fake little smile like always, and said yeah, what else was i supposed to say?? he took me off to the side and gave me a hug, a real hug, not one of those little fake hugs you give your friends when you're in that kinda mood or whatever. he's just like "call me anytime if you need to talk". he let go and walked away, yelling something about eating toes over his shoulder (an inside joke between us). i wanted so badly to run after him and hug him again. i know, its no big deal but it really felt good. nobody else knew anything was wrong, and i dont even know him too well, so how did he know? i can't stop thinking about how good that felt. so, when i start crying for absolutely no reason (yeah, i've been doing that a lot lately) i think about that and it calms me down. but i know i am going to still cut. if i had a couple moments every day where i felt like i did when he stopped me, would i still cut? i wish i could tell one of my friends about it. yeah, things are fixed between me and all of my friends except one. i broke down on the phone last night, crying almost hysterically when i was trying to sort things out with one of them. i almost told her, but she would tell a counselor or something, shes like that. and i've come close to telling tim. i guess he's not mad at me, hes just been in a bad mood cause he found out he's not graduating and then he got suspended for telling one of the deans that hes a dick. thats a releif, but i got that outta nell, i haven't even gotten to talk to him. i dont know why i'm still talking, i think i'm trying to avoid going to bed, cause that gives me too much time to think about too many things. shit. my stomach is sore, from all the cuts. it hurt so bad, being in the shower with the water and soap hitting them. but the pain means i'm alive. and maybe its good to be alive. i'm still not sure.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Humaness is self preservation
Posted by Dawn on Fri Feb 1 08:29:33 2002 (#13819)

You are no more a coward than I am. You are human and God created in humans a will to survive. When I've wanted to die, tried to die I too had that BAM WHAT AM I DOING? EXPERIENCE. It means you are a normal person in pain and reacting to it. Feeling good after cutting is really an abnormal thing.

Have you ever been preparing food and you accidently cut yourself and recoil in pain and say OUCH. That is a normal reaction to pain. Or if you are shaving your legs and nick them, or sewing and poke your finger with the needle. Pain, physical or emotional is something we are not designed to deal with.

But for us cutters our internal pain gets so loud that just like if music went up too loud and we put our fingers in our ears, or the alarm wakes us up and we put our pillows over our heads. Internal screams of pain beckons us to do something....anything to stop the scream of unwanted feelings.

Teens have raging hormones and mood swings, and the need to be their own person, and questions about how to deal with life and all the stress of school, boys/girls, home life, the world at large.

Drugs and alcohol may numb us for awhile but we wake up to the same problems.... and everyday they get louder STRONGER and like addicts we found something to give up a moments peace. But Mego, and anyone else reading this, even cutting only gives "MOMENTS" where the screams die down and a fake peace presents itself.

As I've said many times before you need to work on the problems and to do that you need to break free of the secrecy. Secrecy keeps us Prisioners to the addiction of cutting.

The longer cutting goes on the harder it is to break free of. I know of which I speak. And I have worked very hard on my problems, but my problems were almost 40 years long. Your lives are shorter than that. Think back to when the screams began.... what happened...what became unbearable?

Re: Humaness is self preservation
Posted by KAT on Sat Feb 2 06:37:22 2002 (#13835)

That was a really great way of explaining it Dawn....that was really cool. I liked it a lot and finally it's making a lot more sence. thanks you -love KAT

coward
Posted by mego on Fri Feb 1 04:53:11 2002 (#13817)

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

wild emotions
Posted by monica on Sat Feb 2 00:03:34 2002 (#13827)

im scared to stop scared everything will break down again that il get sent back to the hospital when it doesnt help..... i cant stop cutting myself and no one understands that i cant ..... how can i cope?! does neone understand ..... can anyone HELP??

Re: wild emotions
Posted by KAT on Sat Feb 2 01:12:43 2002 (#13828)

I understand exactly what you are saying! Even after all the therapy, hospitals, doctors, medicines, Ive been through I can't stop cutting myself when times get really tough in my life. I mean I can control myself these days Im not sure how but I feel like the cutting will be with me for a lifetime. Cutting doesnt even work some of the times for me and thats very scary..its like so now that this doesnt work..what will..nothing? I dont know. You can cope with all this by either talking to someone, writing about your feelings( thats what I do and it helps), or just anything you know. Anything! besides cutting thats productive and positive is better. Even doing nothing, just sitting in your feelings and really feeling what is going on inside of you can be an expierence Ive done that a few times. Its..well its different. I hope things work out for you, Im so sorry I can't help any more.. take care love KAT!

this is the support group from hell!
Posted by *miss-stupid-ass* on Sat Feb 2 01:56:01 2002 (#13829)

sheesh. what a pitty-party. isn't it so much fun when you can sit on your ass and whine and then have people lie and say to you "oh yes hun, i care" you cocksmokers. take the pills! cut the viens! just stop being pussies about it!

Re: at least we try...
Posted by KAT on Sat Feb 2 06:13:05 2002 (#13834)

Oh look at me I can use words like you too. It's fun huh, when you can sit and hide behind a name and say what you want. Come feel the pain I feel, come live the life I live..come get beat, come get your head smashed by your parents. Come have fun in my world. its a great things isn't it. I hope you feel 100% Better take care -KAT

Re: at least we try...
Posted by kim on Sat Feb 2 18:54:02 2002 (#13838)

just ignore this person...the only reason she is doing this is to bug us. so dont let her bug us.

i just hope you realize what you are doing. think about it. dont you feel guilty? doesnt it bother you? or are you that shallow?

Re: at least we try...
Posted by c on Wed Feb 6 11:34:05 2002 (#13931)

Oh, aren't you a pathetic little girl missy! You have posted messages twice, if you don't care or have a problem why would you be here? And if your reason really is that you like trying to piss people off, you can't have much of a life! Don't you have anything better to do with your time? Didn't think so, I feel sorry for you. And please, stop posting messages here... It's stupid!

Re: this is the support group from hell!
Posted by jen on Sat Feb 2 23:40:48 2002 (#13839)

you know what you are a keniving bitch! if someone said that to you i think u would feel like shit and if anyone listens to you i will royally kick your ass!!! if you have problems then don't come by here. you have no heart if you can actually say that to someone. if i said that to someone i would be so mad at myself but i wouldn't so i have no fear like you should!!!!! have a heart... if you ever say anything like that again you will hear me roar, believe me the bitch hasn't stepped out of her cave i have alot more coming watch your words or you will hear mine!!!!!

Re: this is the support group from hell!
Posted by just another one on here! on Sun Feb 3 02:14:44 2002 (#13844)

ok you want me to cut the vain? are you sure? because you'll be the one who drove me to do it. you'll technically be a murderer. you drove someone to die. how does that make you feel. i'm going to go cut right now just for you. i want to know though... does this acomplish your goal of coming here? to make one person kill themselves? just tell me. i want to know.

Re: this is the support group from hell!
Posted by mego on Sun Feb 3 05:50:34 2002 (#13846)

yeah, and you're so above us. if you're so much better, why did you come here? and you say all that shit, "just cut the veins, take the pills, stop being pussies" what about you? why haven't you done that yet?

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: this is the support group from hell!
Posted by *miss-stupid-ass* on Mon Feb 4 07:19:16 2002 (#13874)

why, you ask? for the sheer joy i get out of teasing and pissing off assholes like you. stay sick, *missstupidass*