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Threads 3351 to 3400

Oh shit! ! ! need I say any more??
Posted by Jenny on Fri Jan 11 11:01:30 2002 (#13341)

Hi, I can't bloody believe it but some one may have remembered that I have wrote here before saying that two people have died in my school reciently. Any one ever heard the saying bad luck comes in 3's! well its happened again. One of my close friends has been dignosed with lukimia. Its so fucking unfair. Y the hell couldnt it be me? I'm the one that want to die none of them me! I could kill myself but then people wuld look at me as someone who killed her self. If i woz ill i would be me not sad and down I would make the most of it. I have one wish to bloody die!

Re: Oh shit! ! ! need I say any more??
Posted by KAT on Sat Jan 12 14:21:59 2002 (#13367)

I'm sorry, that's unfortunate that you're friend has gotten ill..it really is. and I do know how you feel in a way. I tried to kill myself and I was very unhappy because I did not succed..yet someone I knew who was loved and full of life died tragically at a young age. It's very odd the way things work out, but I just don't know why. Maybe you are needed here, take care of yourself.PLEASE. love always-KAT

Re: Oh shit! ! ! need I say any more??
Posted by crystal on Thu Jan 17 05:07:40 2002 (#13475)

a best friend of mine has cancer. we thought it was gone but its come back. i don't know what i will do if she dies. there is so much sadness everywhere i look. all i can do is be there for her and try to make her smile. the sadness is there. it hurts us and makes us cut. but remember that we might be able to be a light for someone and take back maybe just a little of this fucking darkness.

luv,

crystal

Thanks
Posted by Heather on Sat Jan 12 08:45:27 2002 (#13365)

Thanks! this is my first time talking to people who can relate to my problem. For years i've had this hole insid of me. I cry and cry for no reason at all. There is just this empty space that hurts all the time. There are things that trigger my cutting like fights with parents and boyfriends too much stress at school. Sometimes people joke around and say thing that are mean to be but not intended to be and i cut.I have never told anyone this stuff. The hardest thing for me is looking at the scares and not knowing why i do it or why I like it so much. Some times these feelings of depare go away but when they are here i have to quiet it again with my blade. I just wanted to share alittle of my life. I hope you all will trust enough to share with me. Please e-mail me. It's hard to get here with out my parents bothering me.

Re: Thanks
Posted by Erin on Sat Jan 12 16:02:59 2002 (#13371)

hey. I was going to email you but I cant find your email address. lol write back with it or email me or something. see you later

Nothing new, but it still hurts just as bad
Posted by Anonymous(This Time) on Sat Jan 12 14:17:43 2002 (#13366)

Hi everyone. It's very early and I am in a better state of mind then I was in earlier. Almost exactly a year ago some realy bad stuff happened in my life and hurt me like nothings ever hurt me before. I don't know why I just can't move on with my life, and I don't wanna go back to my therapist because I already know exactly what she'll say to me. Get over it. yeah..easier said then done, right? I read some things last night that opened up the wounds of my heart (and scars) that I have let heal with time. It's been a while since everything happened but it still hurts like it just happened yesterday, I can't go one like I'm fine, and when I'm really thinking about the ways I would kill myself and coming about a heart beat away from doing it. I'm a big pussy though, There's like two sides to me here..one wants to live and one wants to die, desperatly. The one that wants to die is much stronger and pushes the other one away..I know sounds wierd. This board used to be like my second home, my place of comforte, but I've noticed some of the threads here just don't get as many (or any) responses like they used to. That kinda sucks b/c people are here asking for some help, and there's kinda nothing any of the rest of us can do. Just because I decided not to put my namr this time doesn't mean I'm a coward or that I am ashamed of my feelings, I just know that some people who read these things(but don't necessarily post anything) have the power to do something about it, and I need no one right now..but myself. Thanks for listening to my stupid shit..I know thats all it is b/c in about two hours I might feel completely different. Anyways..bye. Take Care everyone

Re: Nothing new, but it still hurts just as bad
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Jan 13 19:51:28 2002 (#13390)

Hi, I'm glad you're in a better state of mind. As for your therapist, anyone who says,"get over it" doesn't deserve to counsel people. Find someone else who will truly help you. There haven't been a whole lot of posts here because I think everyone is starting to go over to the new board. I try to read both boards. Sometimes though, I admit, I just don't know how to answer some posts. They seem to be in such pain and since I don't cut,I guess I think maybe I can't help. Would anyone be mad if I just said something like I'm thinking of you and I hope you feel better soon? Kind of like, anything is better than nothing. If you ever want to write me, just pop me an email. Take care. Love, Rhonda

I'm here...... maybe I brought the pain back
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jan 14 03:13:31 2002 (#13398)

I talk about my past, my battles, and give my point of view of hurting and cutting a lot. Like Rhonda said any counselor who says get over it is not someone to counsel.

Early in my recovery from a lifetime of sexual trauma, and spousal abuse I was told, "It takes as long as it takes" many counselors even frightened me by saying it could take as much as 7 years for each year of abuse... thats a lifetime for me.

I've also learned that on anniversaries of traumatic events the trauma comes up to be dealt with at a new level. Maybe that is what is happening with you.

My therapists have all asked me that question when I've found myself in depression, or one of my other two diagnosis is troubling me. Sometimes the answer is apparent, sometimes I haven't a clue. But I think the anniversary idea is meaningful for your present situation. So it might help to write it out and take a look at what comes out on paper. You can always tear the paper up, which is a very cathargic activity by the way, or you may want to save it and if this happens next year about this time you can do the same and then compare writings and it just help you to see the progress you've made.

I don't go to the other board. My back is bad, I just had surgery on my thumb 4 days ago, and my own stuff is always cropping up now and then, so the familiar is better, plus I don't have a computer, just my tv, a keyboard, remote and webtv unit attacthed to my phone line. God bless you....Dawn

"Friends" aren't everything...ya know
Posted by KAT on Sat Jan 12 14:29:14 2002 (#13368)

I hate my so called "friends". Especially my best friend, I don't know why I have these feelings towards her but I really really do. I come close to telling her but I just can't because sometimes I don't hate her. Yeah I know, doesn't make any sence..I'm wierd like that. Well here's something I need to let off my chest my "best friend" <-(bullshit) told my mom a long long time ago that I was cutting on myself because she "cares for me". YET..I come to find out!! the night I tried to kill myself and the same night she called my mother to tell her about my cutting(which ended up with me in a fucking hospital) my "best friend" spent the entire! week with my ex boyfriend. Me and my boyfriend who I "loved" <-(fuck that) had just broken up like THAT day , yeah it was a really bad week, anyways him and her were madly in love, having sex behind my back and "holding each other in their arms at night". My "best friend" doesnt know I know all of this, but I really do and yes it's all true..I know. because one of the reasons I tried to kill myself is because they were "hanging out a lot" with each other. she just so happened to break up with her boyfriend the day before mine broke up with me, what a fucking coincidence. God....why can't you let me die already. all this happened a long time ago, so its not like I like that fuckin guy anymore, no not at all..but it breaks my heart into tiny little pieces when I think about my best friend doing that to me, when I neeeded her the most in the whole 6 years Ive known her.
:( Im sad again. -KAT

Re: "Friends" aren't everything...ya kno
Posted by jes on Sat Jan 12 18:20:22 2002 (#13374)

that isn't a real friend hun. a real friend would never do that to you, and if she did have real feelings for this guy, she would have told you. You see, friends are a very big part of everything and you need a good friend to help you because people who intentionally fuck you over aren't worth shit. some would say i come into that category, but this isn't about me. she has no right and i think you probably need to find someone worthy of the title. xx

Re: "Friends" aren't everything...ya kno
Posted by Heather on Sun Jan 13 07:30:48 2002 (#13383)

Hey~ I'm sorry your friend had to do that. Mine did the same. After about two months of not talking i longed for her. I love her with all my heart and it's really not worth it. Why want to kill yourself over some stupid guy. I know love is strong and extremly painful but don't give him the satifation of seeing you hurt. So many guys are sick and careless. Blow them all off because why do it over dirty dick? I'm sorry if this all sound bad i'm stupid, k. I was caught between two guys that were best friends they played me and messed with eachothers heads all at the same time. In the end i was the hoe and they were the pimps. Guys ain't worth the time of day. So talk to your bestfriend tell her everything that your thinking. It will feel so good to get everything off of your chest! The after you do that work things out and forgive her.

flashbacks....
Posted by lys on Sat Jan 12 23:35:42 2002 (#13376)

last night, I had such horrible flashbacks of when I was abused as a child. I have never had them that graphic, that severe, or that long-lasting. I sat on the phone with a crisis line worker for hours, because talking with her was helping me not completely lose it. I have never been so scared in my life. I could see his hands, all over me, inside of me, I just wanted to die. I cut for the first time in almost 2 weeks because it grounded me a bit. I was so scared. I still am. I was up until the sun rose, I don't even know what time it was, and the lady stayed on the phone with me the entire time. Now, I am getting scared again, because the bad people are here... I am losing it. I don't know what to do. I need to cut, I am going to, but I am scared that I will cut too deep and need stitches or something. I don't know, I am just really upset right now... Sorry for this post, you probably don't need to hear it....

Re: flashbacks....
Posted by diana on Sun Jan 13 01:48:32 2002 (#13378)

yeah everyone gets flashbacks from time to time, its a part of life. but "we" get them the most and the worst. we store everything inside and keep it far back in the back of our minds, and when the time comes you're going to remember it all again, detail by detail. well at least thats the case for me. so write to me and tell me if its the same for you. take care-xoxo-diana

Re: flashbacks....
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jan 14 03:31:41 2002 (#13399)

Like Diana said, the flashbacks will return, but you did the right thing talking to the person on the crisis hot line. That means you will handle them better when they come again.

There are some things you can do other than cut to ground you.

Keep your eyes open, name something you see where you are at, something you smell, something you here, something you taste. I know that it sounds stupid I thought so at first. But you keep going through your senses as many times as it takes. You also talk to yourself, tell yourself its a different time, a different place, you're bigger, you're stronger, if you were forced to keep silent, tell yourself you won't keep silent anymore, you will tell the world if it takes being safe, if you couldn't fight tell yourself you'll fight with all your might. And by all means tell yourself you are ok inspite of what happened. Tell yourself you were not the bad one and that you are not bad now. Tell yourself it wasn't your fault, you didn't ask for it, you didn't want it to happen and you don't want to remember now but that if it takes remembering now then you will do so with someone listening and call the crisis line. And stop when it gets too much and do something different. Listen to music, hug a bear, watch a funny movie, email a friend. or me.

hope this helped....God bless you and keep you safe from harm.... love Dawn

Re: flashbacks....
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Mon Jan 14 10:42:10 2002 (#13410)

as long as the initial crisis is over you could do something to take your mind of it in the meantime, try phisical activity eg. work out go for a jog, Box. it helps.

excuses............
Posted by miserydolly on Sun Jan 13 01:48:01 2002 (#13377)

hello everyone, my arm is presently very slashed up and i cover it whenever i can, but i have to wear a t shirt for gym class and dance classes and i dont have a clue how 2 explain it, anyone have any ideas what do you say when nosy ppl ask you? thanks in advance

Re: excuses............
Posted by ~*sCiSsOrS*~ on Sun Jan 13 19:26:25 2002 (#13388)

well...can u wear a long sleeved shirt underneath u'r t-shirt? cuz thats what i do in gym.

I blame pearents
Posted by Kristina on Sun Jan 13 05:36:19 2002 (#13380)

I blame pearents, mine has never apied anough attention to me, they have always blocked me out, until I did something wrong, then my dad would hit me, I don't feel pain, not any more, I haven't slept properly for 2 months, I have lost all my confidence, I just hate myself, yet, when you do pick yourself up, someone is bound to knock you back down again. There is no way out, I am so paranoid about myself, I don't let anyone help me, I am only 16, about to leave school, all I'm going to get is... "I'm not going near her, she is mental". Or, "look at her, lets laugh" I will never get anywhere with my life. Never

Re: I blame pearents
Posted by ~*sCiSsOrS*~ on Sun Jan 13 19:29:18 2002 (#13389)

well obviously if u keep TELLING u'rself that u'r never going anywhere in life, then u won't. why won't u go get help? i mean, i know its hard at first...but after u take the first step, seeking help, it'll all get a lot easier after that.

Re: I blame pearents
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Jan 13 20:03:20 2002 (#13391)

I'll be the first to admit that parents have a lot of faults, but there are ones who really want to help their kids. I'm one of them.When I hear of parents who hit or ignore or belittle their own kids, it just makes me want to scream. It gives the good ones a bad name also. Is there anyone who you could trust to get you some help? Depending on the laws of your state, you could be old enough to get help without letting your parents know. Check it out. My daughter also left school when she was 17 because of the cruelity of other kids. They said things like "go ahead and get it over with" and "are you stupid or what?" Please try to figure out some way to either stay in school or go to an alternitive school. They have those here in our town and surrounding towns for kids who are unwed mothers, or just can't cut it in regular school. Tara has never went back and I think she is regretting it. Now she is saving money to take her GED test. Kids are cruel and that shows me that their parents aren't too involved in their lives. That is really sad. We always want to know where they are, who they are with, where they are going and when will they be back. Gosh, weren't we horrible!!!!!!!! It embarressed them a lot of times, but after what Tara has been through, they don't seem to mind telling us the answer to all the questions we ask. If you ever want to talk, just email me and I really hope and pray you find some answers somewhere with someone who cares about you. Take care of yourself cause you are special. Love, Rhonda

Re: I blame pearents
Posted by Jenny on Sun Jan 13 23:19:28 2002 (#13396)

Don't blame your parents. Its not their fault. Many people come out of broken homes...and they are decent human beings, fine with alot of things. You can't blame anyone but yourself. That goes for all of us, so don't think I'm picking on you. We have the power to make things shit in our lives, nobody else. We all just have to work at being ok with everything. Thats all.

I hate blame, its ruined me. Try not to blame anyone for anything you feel, have experienced, or think...its all you.

Re: I blame pearents
Posted by cara on Mon Jan 14 04:09:26 2002 (#13400)

i blame mine. they fucked me up and are either unwilling to be a parent, or incapable of being so. my depression and SIing are obvious to most people, just not to them. i dont think they want to know. my parents are divorced; my dad is an alcoholic but i love him too much and it hurts me to see him like this, and i live with my mother who constantly critises me, and makes me feel like shit.i could go on but i will just get upset. things aint good for me right now and i have been cutting for a year and a half now. hi, my names cara.

Re: I blame pearents
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jan 14 21:22:31 2002 (#13416)

We don't all have parents like Tara, and some turn out better anyway, while others, like myself repeat the same kinds of things on our kids just because we don't know any different. I was one of those, but God began opening my eyes to what I was doing to my kids, and I started trying hard to change, but many patterns were already set. I knew I needed help, but I was afraid of the consequences to "Me". Then one day I decided I could not take all the battles anymore. I couldn't take my kids chasing one another around the house while I hybernated in my bedroom depressed and afraid, of them and of my reactions to their behavior, so when I was in the middle of beating my son with a belt intent on killing him, and thinking I would have to kill my two girls then myself, because I couldn't live in prison, God actually spoke to me these words, "Hit him again and you will never stop."

I KNEW HE KNEW WHAT WAS IN MY HEAD AND HEART and I realized I loved my kids more than I hated their behavior and all that was wrong in our family and my marriage. AND I WENT TO THE PHONE AND I CALLED CHILDREN SERVICES, and I said, "I love my children and don't want to hurt them anymore."

That first thing was taking responsibility for my actions. It wasn't my mother beating my children....It was me. And it wasn't my children making me hit them, they were children (teenagers are still children) I was the adult. It was my responsibility to control how I disciplined my children.

Several years later I came to a place where I began asking myself the questions Rhonda spoke of in regard to my mother and my anger toward her rose to the surface.... and it took years, but now I have forgiven her.

Recovery from anything is the choice of the one recovering. I chose to change my life, by changing me.... blaming others for my behavior is a cop out. I and only I am the one that has made every choice I made, some of them were good, but some were bad, like running away, because it put me in worse danger than had I stayed home. But that is something it took 30 years to learn.

If you are old enough to blame your parents you are old enough to decide how you want to live. If you cannot be open and honest with your mother, then find someone who you can be. But remember no one puts a blade to your skin, no one has the power to make you angry or act out that anger whatever way you choose. If you want things to change, begin by getting help for you. If you ask your mother to join you in changing how things are in your household remember it is her choice too.

And remember CHANGE dosen't happen overnight. It took a long time to get where you are. It will take a lot longer to mend all the bridges and heal all the wounds. The sooner you start, the sooner you see results.

Hope that helped.....Dawn

ashamed
Posted by fallen angel on Mon Jan 14 04:25:02 2002 (#13401)

Yesterday was my first time at this site and i found it really cool especially this discussion board, but i feel really... ashamed beacuse i went and looked at the pictures knowing that they were triggering and saw the one of the girl with the cuts on her side... and now it hurts to lay down it hurts to stand up....it hurts to move. i started cutting at the age of 13 but it had always been on my arms or legs now seeing thoughs pictures i have found places i can cut with out anyone noticing which is good but am now afraid of what i am capable of... don't know why i posted this i guess i just wanted to apologize...

Re: ashamed
Posted by mego on Mon Jan 14 04:58:57 2002 (#13403)

yeah. i try to stay away from those pictures. they make things worse, they make me want to cut, make me jealous of the bodies the girls have, because mine will never be like that, no matter how little i eat or how hard i try. god, now i'm crying again. don't be sorry. i hope everything works out. mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: ashamed
Posted by ~*sCiSsOrS*~ on Mon Jan 14 05:19:54 2002 (#13407)

see now....for me--seeing OTHER ppl's cuts makes me wanna vomit...i don't know why, but i cant stand seeing others cut. it does nothing for me. it def. is NOT a trigger. i saw this made for tv movie called "secret cutting" and every time the girl cut herself i thought i was gonna be sick. i couldnt even watch it. weird, huh?

Now you know why they tell you its triggering
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jan 14 21:44:31 2002 (#13417)

I was on the board for over six months when I looked at the pics. They made me cry.... every wound we inflict on our bodies is internal pain ( a mixture of grief, anger, self loathing, shame, heartache, hurt, fear and many other emotions all wrapped up together)...... and yet I, even me thought of new places I could cut.

I read post I ought not read, because I know the author is dramatic in their descriptions of their wounding their own bodies. I hear of razors a lot and sometimes wish I could use a blade. But I can't. It is Painful..... and I hate pain.

It also seems so violent.... and I hate violence.... I've seen enough in my lifetime.

I came to this board for help. But it takes time to find help while you are reading post after post of sadness, and anger.

If you want help; talk to Rhonda, Linda, Nuni all three care about each one here. They listen and respond and never encougage you to find a new place to cut, or cut deeper, or more frequent. They lift you up and help God to set your feet on higher ground. That's the best part of this board.....God bless your journey. I'll be praying for you....love Dawn

Re: ashamed
Posted by confused on Tue Jan 15 19:21:48 2002 (#13432)

i feel sick when i see pics like that to. one time i did get the guts up to look at one and it was so much worse than what i usally do so i went and made one worse than the one i saw. so i guess i agree with both people.

Re: ashamed
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Jan 16 01:50:15 2002 (#13443)

Don't ever apologize for what you do. It is something that helps you get through whatever you're feeling at the moment. Personally, I haven't ever looked at the pictures, but that may be cause I had to look at my daughter's arms and legs when she cut. I would help her clean the cuts when she was finished. It was kind of our "talking time" Before I forget, welcome to the board. There are a lot of good people here. Linda, Nuni and especially Dawn. I think Linda and I are the only ones who don't cut, but the others do. They can help you so much. They know what you're feeling and going through whereas I can only give my opinions on things. I try to help a lot of the kids here understand why adults act the way they do and let them know that there are some adults who will listen to them. Please feel free to email me any time you want too. As far as your cuts, just keep them really clean and dry. Put some antibiotic ointment on them every time you clean them. Take care and remember,you can write anytime. Love, Rhonda

tomorrow is yesterday was today
Posted by mego on Mon Jan 14 05:14:56 2002 (#13406)

someone hear these silent screams//life isn't what it always seems//wipe away these bloody tears//apologise for all the pain over the years//enough with the lies and dishonesty//give me a bit of integrity//show me what i'm supposed to feel//because right now nothing could be real//agknowledge these scars as normalties//stop to count the casualties//drag me far away from this place//i need to be somewhere else, i'm never safe//abandoned, alone, and lost inside my head//a chance that tomorrow i'll be dead//deep breath, a glimpse of self-control//wipe away the blood, nobody will know//light a cigarette, everything fades//tomorrow is yesterday was today

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: tomorrow is yesterday was today
Posted by Erin on Mon Jan 14 21:14:40 2002 (#13415)

very cool. I like it

any1 else agree?
Posted by ~*sCiSsOrS*~ on Mon Jan 14 06:53:25 2002 (#13408)

ok i WANT to get help...in fact tomorrow begins my first day in a second attempt to get help...i mean..i KNOW its not healthy to be cutting myself up everytime i get upset...but in a way..i dont WANT to stop. do u guys know what i mean? cuz...i dunno, it feels like...thats the only thing i KNOW for sure, u know? its my fall-back...im used to it..just like im used to putting on a smile and putting on a show...if i dont have my cutting, and my hiding...then--what DO i have??

Re: any1 else agree?
Posted by Strider on Mon Jan 14 08:18:31 2002 (#13409)

You're reading my mind, friend. I feel like that completely. Cutting is one thing that I know for sure; one thing that never fails to deliver exactly what I know it will every single time; one thing that I can always rely on... but yes, I DO want to stop. That's the horrible contradiction to it; it's so reliable, but so destructive to us at the same time. Of course, in the end, we are better to not do it, but there is always that voice calling back. It's a tough fight.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: any1 else agree?
Posted by Erin on Mon Jan 14 21:12:50 2002 (#13414)

yes...I agree with you and I know exactly what you mean. good luck getting help :) at least your going to do it. when I tried last year, it didnt work out..mostly because I didnt want it for me...I did it for my bf. I know what you mean about how you dont want to stop in a way...I'm like that right now..in a way I do want help but I dont want it and dont want to stop. *sighs* its confusing, I know. lol

Re: any1 else agree?
Posted by *me* on Mon Jan 14 21:59:18 2002 (#13418)

I know exactly what you mean.

Re: any1 else agree?
Posted by ~*sCiSsOrS*~ on Mon Jan 14 23:51:31 2002 (#13419)

:) i'm so glad that you all feel the same way i do. its nice finally having ppl i can talk to who understand exactly what i'm going through...my 1st session w/ my "shrinky-dink" (as i call them, lol) is in an hour...wish me luck!! ive been to him before..but im still nervous, i don't know why...i'll come back on here later and tell you all how it went!

Re: any1 else agree?
Posted by confused on Tue Jan 15 19:17:27 2002 (#13431)

hope it goes well. i get nervous before my shrinky-dink to i think its coz i know its going to be painful and unlike cutting is a pain i cant control.

do you go through phases of i want help i dont want help?

Re: any1 else agree?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Jan 16 01:52:09 2002 (#13444)

Good luck with your therapist. I hope all goes well. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: any1 else agree?
Posted by erica on Wed Jan 16 02:46:47 2002 (#13450)

I totally know what you mean. I've tried stopping. I went for 2 months without doing anything. I'm even on meds that are supposed to help with wanting to cut. They help to a certain degree. I mean when I don't want to cut and my body is craving the feel of a knife on my skin and I can't control it, the the meds help. But I don't know. Cutting is the only reliable thing in my life it seems.

Erica

Re: any1 else agree?
Posted by mego on Thu Jan 17 04:17:30 2002 (#13469)

hell yeah, i know exactly what you mean. my razor is my best friend right now, the one thing i can depend on. and i really dont want to stop. not tonight. good luck, though. i hope you can stop, because it really is the right thing to do. you have a lot of courage for getting help, and i admire that. just wanted to let you know. and if you ever need to talk, send me some mail,

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

hey new here
Posted by chrissy on Mon Jan 14 18:19:36 2002 (#13411)

hey! I`m new here! It is really nice to know that their is places like this that excist. Well i cut all of the time ! It would be nice to have someone to talk to!

Re: hey new here
Posted by Erin on Mon Jan 14 21:10:30 2002 (#13412)

hey. welcome to the board. i'm happy to be the first to welcome you. lol anyways, I'm 15 and I've been cutting for over 10 months...so if you ever need anything to talk to, just write me. or IM me, I'm online a lot. hope this board helps you. it's helped me a lot

Re: hey new here
Posted by Erin on Mon Jan 14 21:10:42 2002 (#13413)

hey. welcome to the board. i'm happy to be the first to welcome you. lol anyways, I'm 15 and I've been cutting for over 10 months...so if you ever need anyone to talk to, just write me. or IM me, I'm online a lot. hope this board helps you. it's helped me a lot

Re: hey new here
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Jan 16 01:54:07 2002 (#13445)

Welcome Chrissy, This is a good place to come. You'll find lots of people who might be able to help you out when tough times come along. Email me if you ever want to talk. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

how did u guys start cutting?
Posted by ~*sCisSoRs*~ on Mon Jan 14 23:55:32 2002 (#13420)

i was just sitting here thinking about how i even got the idea to start to cut...and why. i realized that before i started cutting, i vented my frustration through throwing temper tantrums...i remember one time throwing a porch chair at my sister, locking her outside, running up to my room and trashing it, then locking myself inside the bathroom. i guess i had some hints to go to anger management classes!! why did u guys start cutting? i don't even think i really knew what "self-harm" WAS when i began it..did u guys? i also realized that we all started around the same age...13-15.

Re: how did u guys start cutting?
Posted by cara on Tue Jan 15 02:26:21 2002 (#13421)

i first cut with sharp scissor blades when i was 13. i wac feeling so damn shitty, and nothing was ok in the world, so i decided that was it, i had promised myself that one day i would just end it all......i have been depressed for as long as i can remember, and i tried to slash my wrists, being young and niave about the whole situation i discovered it wasn't going to kill me after all, but the relief i got from it was enough, and thats when i started.........here i am now, using razor blades, getting stitches and truely fucked up, covered in purple scars.

Re: how did u guys start cutting?
Posted by fallen angel on Tue Jan 15 04:29:12 2002 (#13423)

i think the first time i started was at a church camp. (i was about 13) i know that sounds crazy but it was an awful week. i had not eating anything the enitre time i was there (2 1/2 weeks) and one night i was running around the baseball field and everytime i passed the dugout thing and would hit my arm along the chain link fence that surrounded it. i fianlly passed out and when the camp staff found me i almost got sent to the hospital, but they just called my parents and they took me home. needless to say i never went back. so here i am and things have gotten worse i have gotten worse and i can't seem to ever forget that night, no matter how much i want to.

Re: how did u guys start cutting?
Posted by mara B on Mon Jan 28 22:21:06 2002 (#13739)

one day I just felt like everything around me was falling down, and then I realized that i had a kitchen knife in my hand.

then i just scrated myself, then x-acto knifes and math compasses, now it's razon blades. if there's anything Iever wish wasn't invented, it's those. too easy and too fast.

that's my bit for now.

-mara B

"maybe I'm a fatalist to let it all go at this like some ballon that I probably missed lost in a treetop"

-coffee stain by sarah harmer

Re: how did u guys start cutting?
Posted by mara B on Mon Jan 28 22:21:24 2002 (#13740)

one day I just felt like everything around me was falling down, and then I realized that i had a kitchen knife in my hand.

then i just scrated myself, then x-acto knifes and math compasses, now it's razon blades. if there's anything Iever wish wasn't invented, it's those. too easy and too fast.

that's my bit for now.

-mara B

"maybe I'm a fatalist to let it all go at this like some ballon that I'll probably miss lost in a treetop"

-coffee stain by sarah harmer

Re: how did u guys start cutting?
Posted by confused on Tue Jan 15 19:13:22 2002 (#13430)

ok i know all you guys are going to hate me for this but i started for attention. i had another friend who starved herself for attention and she got alot of it i thiught that, that was what i wanted. i was wrong. when i started getting the attention i didnt want it any more i didnt need it i had my cutting.

i started when i was 14 last year and like you i had temper tantrums. when i started cutting they went away and for a while everyone liked me. then they got sick of my cutting so i hid it. i never do it on my wrists now. but lets just say i cant wear shorts any more.

Re: how did u guys start cutting?
Posted by erica on Wed Jan 16 02:42:10 2002 (#13449)

Hi! I started when I was really young. I remember as a child getting the cat/dog to scratch me. As I got older and we moved out to the small hobby farm I would get the goats to scratch me with their hooves. When I fed the goat kids I would let them chew with their baby teeth(those things are damn sharp)on my finger. Then when I moved out on my own I just took to knives. So thats it. Guess I had to start somewhere.

Erica:o)

Re: how did u guys start cutting?
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Sat Jan 19 21:09:11 2002 (#13499)

when i was little, i used to bite my lip and while i was in the shower i would put the water as hot as i could. then about last may or june i got in another fight with my ex boyfriend who turned everything in to my fault once again, and i was so upsey i dug my fingernails into my wrists...and it went to safety pins to knives

Re: how did u guys start cutting?
Posted by laura on Sat Jan 19 23:55:22 2002 (#13503)

I first started cutting in 1996. I used a knife from the kitchen I was sharing with four people. It was not the kind of release I find now.It started with a small spot on my arm and has escalated into long scares on my arms and legs.I use the same knife every time.

Re: how did u guys start cutting?
Posted by ashley on Mon Jan 21 17:40:36 2002 (#13522)

I first started not even a week ago. Years ago I read this article about girl who once pop the zits on her face then she moved on to cutting. I too would pop the zits, but I said to myself I will never get bad enough to cut. Well here I am now. The first time I used the blunt end of a piant brush, that wasn't working so I used a tack then a picture hanging nail. A couple days later a stole a an exacto knife from work, it is really cool it has six different blades.

Cuts
Posted by shorty on Tue Jan 22 16:07:03 2002 (#13535)

i've been told i was crazy for my scars but i know that i'm not. I dont cut for anyone else but for the person inside me. i haven't cut in a long time 5months but i'm afraid of when the next time is near for then i know that i do have a problem and im not normal

hi....
Posted by Nothing matters on Tue Feb 5 21:26:12 2002 (#13923)

hi. i was reading some of the stuff u guyz wrote. i've been cutting for almost 2 yrs, and i want to stop. i find now that i get no relief from it, and to have any emotion at all or to feel numb, i hypervenalate (sp). cutting is a hobbie; art. it makes me special and different from the preps to act like everything in this world is perfect. nothing was ever perfect and it never will. if ne of u wanna chat email me... (azraelzangel3@aol.com) lata!

Re: hi....
Posted by kim on Tue Feb 5 23:48:12 2002 (#13926)

well the first step in getting help is admitting that you need help...so you're on the right path...good luck with everything

Cuts
Posted by shorty on Tue Jan 22 16:07:44 2002 (#13536)

i've been told i was crazy for my scars but i know that i'm not. I dont cut for anyone else but for the person inside me. i haven't cut in a long time 5months but i'm afraid of when the next time is near for then i know that i do have a problem and im not all that normal

Re: Cuts
Posted by laura on Tue Jan 22 23:31:55 2002 (#13555)

I am about to sell my soul and go and seek advice from the doctor-bring on the prozac!- and that scares me more than the cutting. Who could possibly understand what I do, if they haven't already done it themselves? I am about to become a depression statistic.

Re: how did u guys start cutting?
Posted by H on Sun Jan 27 15:01:48 2002 (#13693)

About a few months ago when I was 13. my friend did it she told me it makes you feel better.At first I used a compass but now a razor blade Id also just moved house and as feeling like no1 cared about me. I dont want to do it anymore it makes u feel really shit afterwards. Other people got upset and calld me a freak that just made it worst. It spreads like a disease too its really scaring me.

Re: how did u guys start cutting?
Posted by mego on Tue Jan 22 00:38:30 2002 (#13526)

i don't know. i used to do things, like rip my hair out and hit myself or dig my nails into myself when i got mad. i remember doing that since i was really little. once, when i was ten, i was mad and cut up my hand with a piece of sharp plastic. a kid i know. danny, was sitting on the front porch next door, just chillin with a group of us, and someone brought up that he cut himself. i thought it was weird, but he kept saying that it felt good. one day a few weeks later, i was upset about something, i dont know what, and i thought about danny and that he insisted cutting felt good, so i just did it. first it was with a screw, then a pocket knife or kitchen knives, then razors. god, just got worse and worse. this sucks.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: how did u guys start cutting?
Posted by natalie on Sat Jan 26 03:33:44 2002 (#13641)

i started self injury years ago,(without even realizing it was s/i) whenever i would get mad i would break a mirror or glass, and slice the tops of my fingers. i am diabetic, and i also would constantly give myself shots until i had huge bruises on my thighs. about a year ago i started cutting my wrists with pins and needles. now i cut with kitchen knives and exacto knifes. it just keeps getting worse, ive become an addict, i cant go more than one day without cutting! i hate it, my life has become a living hell.

Re: how did u guys start cutting?
Posted by zandra on Sat Jan 26 03:55:26 2002 (#13645)

two years ago on march 39th my best friend killed himself in a car accident. he stole the car and smashed it into a tree. the year before that, my grandmother died from cancer. my best friend who killed himself was very close to me. i considered him a brother. he kept me safe and he was always there for me when i had problems. after he died, the sheild he built around me started falling apart. i never got to tell him how much i loved him and cherished him. sumtimes i think that if i told him then he wouldn't have killed himself and i wouldn't be here now writing this. i never realized how bad that sheild was going away until last june, at a graduation party for my cologuard captain, this kid who i never liked started groping me and making sexual getures at me. that's when it hit me. i was no longer safe and that sheild was all the way down. that night i went home and without thinking i just cut myself. it went from a pocket knife to a razor blade and from just my upper arms to my wrists and forearms and my stomach. i've cut a lot and idk when or if i want to stop. people say i should but idk if i want to yet. i like who i am now.

talking to a therapist
Posted by Chrissi on Sun Jan 27 18:49:45 2002 (#13695)

hey... i was just wondering if anyone's talked to a therapist about their cutting and what the response was. for the first time, i finally decided that maybe it's time to get some counseling, but i don't think i'll ever be able to tell the therapist about cutting, especially since i really can't just stop doing it. i don't know, i just wanted to hear about other people's experiences.

Re: talking to a therapist
Posted by confused on Thu Jan 31 10:27:27 2002 (#13801)

i have just started seeing one and shes really quite nice. some can be misunderstanding its best if you go to someone who has dealt with these cases before. its really great that you want to get help its the first step towards healing.

Re: talking to a therapist
Posted by Cassandra on Wed Feb 6 11:25:27 2002 (#13930)

Hey..

I've cut myself since i was thirteen, and i've somehow managed to hide it for 4 years, but last year my friends and parents got aware of the fact that i had a problem, and helped me get some counselling. For the past year i've been seeing a therapist one to two times a week, and i've been dignosed with bulimia and depression. SI is really more common than most people think and the therapists will just try to find the underlying reasons to why you are doing what you are doing. In therapy we almost never talk about me cutting myself or binging and throwing up, but we talk about me, how all the things that have happened in my life has affected me as a person. At first i thought therapy was terrbile, sometimes i just didn't show up. Now i've actually grown to appreciate having someone to talk to about the things i feel i can't discuss with anyone else. Although i haven't stopped my bulimic behaviour or SI i've definately learnt a lot, and i'm now more aware of the thinks that makes me cut myself, and can to a certain extent prevent it.

C

Re: how did u guys start cutting?
Posted by dead flower on Wed Jan 30 12:26:48 2002 (#13790)

I guess it would all of started when i was 11...things at school were getting worse and worse for me thing at home were the same, it was turing into hell, so thats when i took up cutting myself. i remember i was sat in my room crying and i cut up a razor and used the blade that was inside, i didnt know what i was doing at the time my mind would wondered alot. The cuts werent that deep but seeing the blood run from arms gave me such a release it was unbelieveable. i know it was a stupied thing to do but when you have no one to understand you, its kinda the only way to survive.

Re: how did u guys start cutting?
Posted by Catherine on Fri Feb 1 23:32:52 2002 (#13823)

I remember the first time I cut. I was sitting on my bed, rocking back and forth, because I was in so much pain and I could not handle it. All of a sudden I imagined myself bleeding, so I got a pair of scissors and began sawing at my arm. They weren't sharp enough, so I went to the kitchen and got a knife. I cut myself 17 times that night, and I have been cutting ever since. Three years later I found out that my older sister used to cut and that I was aware of it, but I must have blocked it out because I don't remember that time of my life.

back for more?
Posted by blue rose on Tue Jan 15 03:12:11 2002 (#13422)

I don't know why I stopped by after so long, but I did. I don't see anyone I remember, except Linda. I think I knew Nuni and Strider too, but I'm not sure. I haven't posted for a long long time.

All I have to say to all of you is that this will all pass. You're young and even though you hate to hear that, it's true. If you think life sucks now, just wait. Enjoy your youth while you have it, because problems and emotions you can't even fathom are waiting for you. Not all of them are bad, but not all of them are good either.

I am going to pass on one of the best pieces of advise I ever recieved...

You have a choice, you can either be jaded by your past or learn from it and move on.

I know this sounds all too simple and that's because it is. Things don't always have to be difficult. Most things and situations in life are only as difficult as you make them. You should make life a little easier for yourself.

Some of you won't take this advice and some of you will. There is a place and time for everything in life and this is just where you are right now. You can choose to dwell on it or move on.

You are not as powerless as you feel.

stay safe

emailed my response
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jan 15 07:00:58 2002 (#13427)

This was a wonderful testimony of growth and a clear message that the place we are in will change. It is not forever........ its not

ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL NEWS!

Re: back for more?
Posted by Linda on Tue Jan 15 20:05:27 2002 (#13433)

Hi Rose!! It is good to see you back. I am assuming that you no longer cut? Maybe I am wrong but it sounded like you had gotten past it all. Let us know!

question
Posted by fallen angel on Tue Jan 15 05:03:37 2002 (#13424)

i was just wondering if anyone else on here had ever scratched words or phrases on themselves. i know it's weird i was just wondering.

Re: question
Posted by Joni on Tue Jan 15 06:53:18 2002 (#13426)

Yes.Many times.I have three peoples initials tatooed on my ankle. I carved help on my arm but the scar went away. The one on my ankle is there to stay it was pretty deep. I also used to put glass and shit in my skin or anything I could shove in me.I may not have self mutilated in years but it really helps me to read what other people are going through and what they are trying to do to help themselves. I think a site like this is great. Admiting that you have a problem is a step in the right direction.

Re: question
Posted by confused on Tue Jan 15 19:01:01 2002 (#13429)

its not a stupid question at all i know of many people who do including myself. i have confused and alone on my right leg i hate life on my hand and a boys name on my ankle.

what i find funny is that people that dont S.I. do it as well its like a tatoo only you dont have to be 18 to do it.

Re: question
Posted by Erin on Tue Jan 15 21:23:25 2002 (#13436)

I put 'fear' and my bf's name on my thigh..fear faded away though and half my bf's name did too lol so it looks kinda weird

Re: question
Posted by diana on Tue Jan 15 23:36:56 2002 (#13439)

i have the word fat carved into my right arm...n a cross carved into my lower stomach. so you're not the only one who doesn't just makes cuts of lines.

I have a problem that probably noone can help with
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jan 15 06:49:25 2002 (#13425)

I am jealous of my children's loyalty to their father. I also can't break free of the idea we "should" have been together till either one of us died, but my love for him died before we ever married-- it was the first time he raped me-- or the first time he wrapped his hands in my hair and made me....

But no one loved me, and he told me no one ever would. Now I cannot give my heart to anyone.

And my jealousy pushes my kids away. And cutting doesn't help.... it never did.... and my thumb in bandaged from surgery and I go back to the doctor's tomorrow to get the dressing taken off and the tendon checked.

I sent my daughter an e-card and said I'm sorry.... she just moved out of her b/f's home and is struggling to GET OVER IT and tells me to make a bridge and get over it. She says her dad's teriffic, but I know it is only for now, his good stages don't last long, she just makes herself forget when he calls her a whore and a slut, and a bad mother, and his granddaughter a brat. SHE JUST FORGETS, THEN CALLS ME CRYING WHEN HE CHANGES LIKE JECKLS AND HYDE.

and I cannot forget the bad stuff

It was worse than all my other rapes, and sodomy,

I'm sorry this must be triggering for many of you. But the board is all I have tonight. I cannot cut. I see a doctor tomorrow. and if I use my left hand on the arm he did surgery it will make a lot of trouble for me. I don't need that know. I have lots of pills but if I take too many they make me itch and pukey.

There's nothing to DO with my memories and my feelings....no ....God there's always you. You know every hurt. You never leave me. You never forsake me. Help me forgive...I need to forgive and hope that he did change, and be glad he's there for our kids now. That was what I always wanted. I just feel alone. But I'm not alone. I have Paul. He never hurts me. I just don't have romantic love for him. And I have my dog, Trixy. She loves me. Thank you for her. Thank you for reminding me I always have you. I feel better already. Thank you for making me feel better and drying my eyes. I know you save every tear in a special bottle and that not even one is lost from you. Thank you Jesus.

And thank all of you who have read through all of this. I know many are against spiritual talk. I didn't plan this out it just flows through me to my fingers. Its not rambling as too many apologize for. Its talking things out on the board, with ourselves listening to our hearts and God hearing every word. I'm glad he does. He is my best friend. Always with me knowing what I need even before I do. Try him out sometime. Say, "If you're really there help me know you are." then when He shows himself to you ask him to forgive you for not believing in him before and ask him to forgive you of all your sin, and come into your life and change it from the inside out. And Thank him in advance for what his is going to do. And you will begin to see a change. You may not feel any different, but the difference will begin to show itself. God put his word on it and God is not man that he should lie. He is Truth......wow....Thank you God I feel Great now.

Re: I have a problem that probably noone can help
Posted by Linda on Tue Jan 15 20:10:39 2002 (#13434)

Dawn...how I want to reach out and hug you but I know those "hug parentheses" that I put on so many posts scare you. Wish they didn't. I'm still working on finding some answers to some really puzzling questions. You know I want to help.

Re: I have a problem that probably noone can help
Posted by jue on Tue Jan 15 22:10:52 2002 (#13437)

Hi Dawn, i just read your post and it touched me so much. i love that and i love you for it and love you for you and all you have shared and your strength and inspiration. thank you. i hope your children will see what your strength and the gifts that you have to give, even to them. i am sending you hugs and more hugs, and a few happy tears for you:) take care...love julie

Re: I have a problem that probably noone can help
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Jan 16 01:57:20 2002 (#13446)

I love you like my sister Dawn. Take care of that thumb!! Love, Rhonda

being 'alone'
Posted by confused on Tue Jan 15 16:38:12 2002 (#13428)

3 days ago i got home from holiday with my faily 3 friends and a boy friend. im here alone at home now ( im 15 by the way) and my parents left me here coz i went 'wierd' and they got scared and asked me what they should do to make it better.

i was doing quite well before the holiday not cutting very often, but i think not being by myself for more than 5mins drove me nuts. any where i went there was always someone there watching talking making sure i didnt do anything stupid. i wouldnt have done anything (much) if i had had time alone to i dont know sit think just be by myself. i cut so many times, day when i got changed for bed and in the morning. blood leaked through my clothes but no one said anything. then i got bitchy yelling at everyone. and then colapsing and crying non stop. scared i was crazy. there were so many things i had to think about and i was to much. i got annoyed at the smallest things anything that made me think even more.

so when theyasked what i wanted i said to be alone so the next day they drove me home. (2hours) and now im here alone. things are much better i like having no one i can do what i want when i want and im not watched. im going back up to morrow i hope they have enough sense to leave me alone occasionally.

now that was my long story explaining every thing. my question is what abou you guys does being completely alone make things better? do you ever feel controlled and watched to make sure you didnt do anything 'stupid' so much that you wanted to and did it more?

Re: being 'alone'
Posted by Erin on Tue Jan 15 21:22:18 2002 (#13435)

yeah. I love being alone..I wish I could be alone right now...but I cant. It really sucks. It drives me nuts when people watch me. even though none of my family knows about my cutting or anything..but I bet if I did, they'd be watching me all the time too. oh my god that would drive me up the wall.

figures I'm blocked from that other damn web site..right after I post something. probably cause I put "holy shit" in the subect of my post I think. *sighs* oh well lol

Re: being 'alone'
Posted by Linda on Tue Jan 15 23:04:40 2002 (#13438)

Erin, are you sure you are blocked from the other site? It was having trouble this morning. I tried to post the same message three times before it quit giving me the error messages. Those messages still can not be viewed. I believe it is just a problem with the webpage. Could be wrong but worth looking into.

Re: being 'alone'
Posted by Erin on Wed Jan 16 03:00:56 2002 (#13451)

oh, the turdbirds...lol thanks Linda. I just found out that I'm not blocked anymore. lol

Re: being 'alone'
Posted by fallen angel on Wed Jan 16 06:58:45 2002 (#13456)

confused, i love to be alone too even though the only time i do is like now it's 1 am and everyone is asleep i normaly have to pretend to go to bed and then i stay up till sometimes 4 and 5 in the morning just to get my time. that's when i write my best poetry and do my best thinkning along with the cutting and the suicidal thoughts.

here's another question if anyone eles reads this i was wondering how amny of you if any of you hear vocies, don't mean to scare anyone it's just a question.

voices
Posted by confused on Thu Jan 24 03:37:41 2002 (#13603)

i hear voices to i havent told anyone though i mean cutting makes me crazy enough thent here are all these voices telling me what to do. i think everyone hears voices i think the problems come when you are so lost and confused that you listen to wht they say.

Re: voices
Posted by lara on Sat Jan 26 05:34:11 2002 (#13649)

i hear voices in my head, but they arent other people telling me what to do, they are me. it is me screaming all the time, day in day out. it is really hard to concentrate with all the noise so i cut. its really quite simple.

Re: voices
Posted by fallen angel on Sun Jan 27 05:02:26 2002 (#13682)

Yeah lara, that's what mine are pretty much... i mean there are times when i don't regonize them. But it's usally me screaming at me, 24/7 but also what drives me insane is i'll hear conversations or like clips of the day when i messed up or said something stupid and i'll see them and hear them over and over and over again till i feel soooo stupid or insignificant that i can't stand it. i get real mad at myself and cut.But that's just one of the reasons.

grrrrrrrrrrrr
Posted by *me* on Wed Jan 16 00:38:47 2002 (#13441)

I hate fricking teenage girls. Has anyone else noticed that the majority of them are bitches? Well if not, here's a clue - they are! Now right about now I bet you're saying, "wait, I thought YOU were a teenage girl." And you would be correct. But the majority of teenage girls in this world are the biggest bunch of asses I've ever met.

I found out today that about three of my so-called "friends" backstabbed me. They did something that was pretty mean, scared the sh*t out of me, and then LIED about it, have made fun of me behind my back about it for almost a week, and today finally one of my REAL friends found out about it and told me. Bitches I tell you. That's all they are.

Now I don't want you thinking I have crappy friends or something. I have a really great group of friends, about 12 of us. It's just this year about 5 of them have seriously changed and become completely different people. And yep, you guessed it - 3 of those 5 are the assholes I'm talking about. And I know that I don't need those 5 in my life, I really do know that. The other 7 of us have pretty much separated ourselves from them. But the fact is, we were close at one point, and they don't have a right to treat me the way they do. People suck.

Ok, yeah...this is pretty much a vent bc I'm very very upset right now. And also pretty stressed out - exams are this week. Geez. Ok. Sorry if you are actually still reading this.

Lots of love, take care and stay safe.

Re: grrrrrrrrrrrr
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Jan 16 02:02:13 2002 (#13447)

You're right!! KIds are sooooooooooooo cruel! Probably doesn't help much to say just forget about them, but that's what I'm saying. If they say things like that, you don't really need any enemies,right? Well, I really hope you're feeling better soon and I know you'll do good on your exams! Good luck and take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: grrrrrrrrrrrr
Posted by Erin on Wed Jan 16 03:03:07 2002 (#13452)

I hate how people can be real assholes like that too. the same thing happened to my best friend... I have exams this week too. sucks

read mine!
Posted by jen on Wed Jan 16 03:09:55 2002 (#13453)

i know what you mean i don't back stab people or anything

Hate to burst your bubble, but adults are the same
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jan 17 10:44:47 2002 (#13485)

A friend of mine for close to 9 years is having the same problem, and she is in her middle to late fifties..... and it doesn't stop there....it goes on and on. People of all ages do more or less the same thing. And sadly to say even in churches.

Matter of fact it is written about in the Bible which was written over 2,000 years ago.

It all boils down to picking your friends and accepting the fact that people grow and change at different rates. People are fickle. They are affected by the use of alcohol and drugs and are always trying to one up themselves by putting down someone else.

Now that is not true of every individual. There are people "of character" who are careful about what they say and who they say it too.

Sorry about the lecture, but I thought you should be warned.

From what I've read and heard, the truth is we are lucky to have a hand full of true friends throughout our lives.

Friends come in different catagories, from most intimate and trustful--- to those we know and say hi to in passing but would not trust with our deepest secrets. And many of our intimate friends pass in and out of our lives as we change and grow, go to college, get married, divorced, and even grow old.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now. I guess all I can really say is this too shall pass.... and it is a lesson of life.

Best wishes on your exams....Dawn

I'm all sorts upset?
Posted by Ebil Kuwala on Wed Jan 16 01:11:43 2002 (#13442)

Why do bad things happen in one big streak?? A really close friend of mine killed himself last night...and I had no idea he hated his life? Of course he joked about it...but doesn't everyone? I've lost so many people to death in the past year..and the thing is..I am the one that wants and deserves to die.

Re: I'm all sorts upset?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Jan 16 02:04:18 2002 (#13448)

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I wish I could be there to give you a hug and hold you for a while. Please don't give up on life. There are a lot of us here who wish you well. Email if you want to talk. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: I'm all sorts upset?
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jan 17 11:21:30 2002 (#13486)

I am sorry about your friend's death. But it desturbs me more to read your statement that you "deserve to die". I am aslo sorry for what I am about to say. Your name sounds foreign to me. And as an American I connect the sound of it with the war. Now I am not in any way saying you had anything to do with the tragedy in New York, or Pennsylvania. but something from my past is quickening my mind to some of my own thinking errors.

My father did something bad to someone else when I was very young and years later my spirit, mind, and soul took on his guilt. It hounded me for years. Until I remembered he did the same thing to me.

This war is not a war between races and sects. It is a war of individuals who themselves commit war on innocent people.

I am a Christian who has battled thoughts of suicide for years, even this week. AT times my heart and mind condemns me for things I've done and things I've thought of doing but stopped myself.

But the Bible says that "we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" and in another place it says, "The wages of sin is death, BUT THE GIFT OF GOD IS ETERNAL LIFE THROUGH JESUS CHRIST HIS SON." so when my mind condemns me for things I've done, said, or thought, that condemnation comes from satan and with the power of the Holy Spirit I can tell satan to leave me alone, because Jesus died to free me of condemnation.

I believe what the Bible says, Jesus came for everyone and that includes you. If anyone believes in Him... or will even take a small step toward believing in Him they will be saved and every sin they have ever sinned will be thrown into the sea of forgetfulness and that we do not need to fish them out and beat ourselves up over them, because Jesus' blood washed them away.

Thank you for your post. If what I have shared with you did not help you. It did help me. I thought I deserved to die for something someone thought I did. Sometimes I've thought I deserved to die just because I am me. But that is a lie. And I'm not going to believe it anymore. How about you? Are you ready to stop believing the lies satan tells you? I hope so.

I will be praying for you. Email me if you feel like it. I'll get back to you. I promise...Dawn

life, why does it suck?
Posted by Elisha on Wed Jan 16 04:19:46 2002 (#13454)

I hate my life, I hate school (I'm in university)and above all I hate myself. I have no real friends to call my own. No body cares about me besides my family I don't care about me. How can I expect people to love me when I don't eve LIKE myself? Why can't I just off myself? Why am I such a coward? If I could change one thing about myself it would be that I would grow some balls so I could get the nerve to kill myself. It's getting so hard to cut anymore, I just don't have the will to do so, I hardly have the will to go on yet I'm a coward. Nothing matters anymore...LIfe sucks and I deserve all the pain that I feel, whatever nevermind...

Re: life, why does it suck?
Posted by fallen angel on Wed Jan 16 06:00:07 2002 (#13455)

i'm going through almost the same thing only i'm trying to get my GED b/c i couldn't finish highschool,being homeschooled and me and my mom couldn't get along. i know exactly what you are saying about having no close friends and being a coward, but i do have a little bro and soem younger sisters that i don't think i could hurt liek that if i did take my life, sometimes i think about them when i'm cutting or about to take to many pills, i cut but not like i used to i have too many people.. like, shrinks, my mom her friends that check my arms and stomach. it pisses me off soo bad. but sometimes i can get away with out showing them by just putting on a fake smile and pretending that everything is fine, but as soon as i show just a little bit of anger or sadness they demand to see, it humiliates the hell outta me and only makes me want to cut some place eles. i hate my life, i hate what i have become, i hate the way people look at me, i hate that i can't consentrate on school or anything eles that requires my full attention. i will never make it to college!!! or outta this hell hole!! anyway .... i don't know if that was a respond to your post or just some ranting of my own but i think i have rambled long enough..

Re: life, why does it suck?
Posted by Linda on Wed Jan 16 15:18:31 2002 (#13458)

Elisha...it doesn't take "balls" to kill yourself! You are not a coward. It takes real guts to live when things are not going well. You need some hope and there IS hope!! I would love to correspond with you personally if you like!!

Linda
Posted by Elisha on Wed Jan 16 22:21:06 2002 (#13459)

People always say that it takes guts to live, but what if I don't want to live? What if my destiny was to die young? What if this is as good as it gets? I'll always be alone and I'll probably die alone. All those people that claimed to be my friends just vanished...I'm destined to be lonely forever...People say that suicide is selfish but if someone is miserable and are only living because of the people that want them to live aren't the people that want someone to live a miserable, lonely life aren't they the selfish ones?Sorry ramblings that hardly make sense. Hope was not meant for me...Sorry.

Re: Linda
Posted by Linda on Wed Jan 16 22:42:35 2002 (#13460)

But there is hope! There is as much hope for you as there is for anyone else! The hope is supernatural. The only TRUE hope that anyone has is to have their sins forgiven and be accepted as a child of the King. That gives a new outlook. You have a reason for living and a reason for dying. It puts everything into perspective. I still welcome you to write to me personally if you wish!

Re: Linda
Posted by Elisha on Wed Jan 16 23:46:41 2002 (#13461)

There is no God, he left me alone along time ago.

Re: Linda
Posted by Linda on Thu Jan 17 00:35:59 2002 (#13462)

Well, I would disagree strongly with you on that one. God is believed by faith but even if you do not have faith...He still exists. It may appear that He has left you but I assure you He knows all about you. Perhaps you left Him. Please email me. I would be glad to discuss this and promise not to be harsh and accusatory.

Re: Linda
Posted by Lindsey on Thu Jan 17 09:56:05 2002 (#13483)

Saying you love someone when you don't love yourself is like a naked person offering you a shirt. - Maya Angelou

That whole thing about God leaving you alone and all that. Yeah, I can see where you're coming from. No one's saying you have to believe in God. Linda was just saying to believe in/gain some faith and hope. Linda and other's find that faith and hope through God and Jesus and Buddha and Isis and Shiva and the Virgin Mary and other places. What is important is that you find it and hold on to it. Will it sometimes not be there in the morning? Oh hell yeah! But once you get a hold of it, really get a hold of it, finding faith and hope on those days where it seems to not be there is so much easier than it seems.

The only thing you need is a pair of open eyes.

I do hope you and Linda are corresponding via email. I'm sure she can teach you a thing or two. If you want, you are more than welcome to email me at wonderlandslut@hotmail.com

Re: Linda
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Jan 17 02:22:27 2002 (#13464)

Personally, I think it takes more guts to stay alive and fight through all the hell you're going through than it does to die. Life is always hard and death is easy. At least that's the way I see it. Please take time to read my story that I wrote to Fallen Angel about Tara. Our life for the last 4 years has been extreamly hard for the whole family. Please don't give up on life. Fight for it, cause everyone is worth fighting for. If you ever want to talk, just email me. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: Linda
Posted by fallen angel on Thu Jan 17 04:00:21 2002 (#13467)

i don't mean to keep you down and wish i had some words of encouragement but all i can say is..... damn you took the words right outta my mouth "I'll always be alone and I'll probably die alone." "People say that suicide is selfish but if someone is miserable and are only living because of the people that want them to live aren't the people that want that someone to live a miserable, lonely life aren't they the selfish ones?"

Elisha, fallen angel, and all those miserable ppl
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jan 17 12:08:00 2002 (#13487)

I know misery, TRUST ME, I've said the "yeah sure"s to ppl who told me life was worth living and suicide was selfish, and "think of your family" And I thought it was all crap. And I am a Christian and was one then. My pile of misery was so high it touched the very feet of God, and when I attempted suicide then called for help before I died, I thought I was chicken, and with no balls either....But God saw farther down the road than I did. And today life is different. I'm not completely alone, but I live with just my dog, Trixy. I have a b/f of sorts next door, but he likes being alone and being free to play his playstation games, and smoke like a chimmney, and I like clear air and living free of ppl who gripe and bicker.

It was the constant griping and bickering, and physical fighting that made my mind snap. It was leaving that life "alone" that made my heart break, and it was rape and abuse that all together made my life so miserable that it has taken 16 years to get over it and find life worth living.

I cannot take being a Christian and having some great Christain faith to hold onto the reason....my Christian faith failed me.....But God did not fail me.

There is a verse, I believe it is in Thesalonians or Corinthians (see, at 3 Am my brain doesn't even work well,) but Linda will know...n e way it say,"when we are faithless, He (God) remains FAITHFUL, because he cannot deny his own. He loves me, fallible as I am, so much that when I was so miserable and felt worthless and researched how many pills I'd have to take to kill myself, and how long it would take me to take a bus and get to a place no one would find my body for days, God was faithful to let me discover my plan wouldn't work. And he was faithful to clear my mind when I had ODed to remember it wasn't dead dead I wanted. It was freedom of the misery. And for that I had to identify the things that made me miserable and work through them, even to the point of reliving them over and over until I could see I wasn't a whole, tramp, slut, dump as a door nail, slow as all get out, or unlikable, and horror of all horrors, UNLOVABLE. Because the King of Kings loves me as much as he loves even you. And you see as miserable as you feel. I felt as if I was the scum under your feet, under everyone's feet that ever walked this earth. But I'm not and neither are you. Jesus loves you. He loved you before you were born. He is in the room with you right now waiting for you to let go of trying to live life on your own, on your terms and reach out to Him. Its that easy... stretch out your miserable arm and ask Him to help you up out of your misery. I'll be praying for you....Dawn

to Tara's Mom
Posted by fallen angel on Wed Jan 16 07:13:44 2002 (#13457)

i was just wondering with a mom as great as you why Tara would even start cutting her self, i mean there could be lots of reasons why, things you couldn't control things that she didn't tell you untill she started i guess. But i was just wondering you don't have to answer if you don't want to. i just think if i had a mom or someone i could to talk to when the shit started in my life that i might not have started at all. if that makes any sence.

Re: to Tara's Mom
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Jan 17 02:16:51 2002 (#13463)

I'd be happy to answer your question. Tara was raped by a "friend" when she was 14 years old. She was scared to tell us so we didn't find out till 4 months later. By then we had noticed her temper was so out of control we couldn't help but noticed something was wrong. It all came out in a big screaming match we had. After that we tried to get her help professionally but that didn't work. When she was 16 years old, she got involved with a guy who was 26!!!!! Boy were we shocked. He was in the army in Texas but came up here to our town every weekend. By the time we figured out that they were involved, he had gotten her into believing in witchcraft and a whole lot of really bad stuff. It broke my heart and her dad was just in shock. When we told her she couldn't see him anymore, she ran off with another "friend" who was 24 years old and they told her she didn't have to listen to us. To make a long story short, her dad called the base in Ft. Hood Texas where the guy was stationed and found out from his CO that he wasn't supposed to be going off base. Craig told him if he showed up again, we would press charges of statory rape against him. When we told Tara, she told the police we were beating her just to get away from us. We had to go be interviewed by them and they really were very nice about it. Finall, Tara said if she couldn't be with this guy, we would find her dead and I believed her. We called the police again and they took her into protective custody for her own sake. While at the police station, the officer asked to see Tara's arms and she held them out like she was proud of them. That's the first time we saw the cuts!!!! I cried and Craig cried. Her dad nevers cries unless it is something really bad. We had to put her in a treatment center in Oklahoma City for 4 days. I think it made her realize we would fight for her. And we have, every day since then. Eventually through therapy, it all came back to the rape and how she saw herself. It has been a long hard fought battle and I know she will battle with it every day, but she has gotten so much better. That is why I always encourage everyone to find a GOOD therapist cause I've seen what Tara's did for her. Today, she is out on her own and hasn't cut in about 8 months now. She still gets depressed now and then, but can work through it. She knows that she can come to me for anything and I will listen. This whole thing actually brought us closer and I thank God for her every night. She is my first born child and I would die to protect her, she knows that. Sorry this was so long, but maybe if others read my story with my daughter, they will have some hope that things can get better. Take care of yourself cause all of you are very special. Love, Rhonda

Re: to Tara's Mom
Posted by fallen angel on Thu Jan 17 03:54:53 2002 (#13466)

wow that was an incredible story thanx for sharing.

Re: to Tara's Mom
Posted by Lindsey on Thu Jan 17 08:54:32 2002 (#13480)

Thank you for sharing Rhonda. A story with a lot of courage and love behind it. I had no idea. Make sure Tara knows she's not alone. I didn't start cutting as a result of my rape, but it sure didn't help any!

*warm hugs to you & family*

... I need to start posting more.

bored and depressed
Posted by black tears a.k.a fallen angel on Thu Jan 17 04:53:20 2002 (#13472)

i wish i could write out what i am feeling right now, i have been staring at this screen for 15 mins. i'll write a long story and then end up erasing it as soon as i read over it. i think my feelings are stupid and that no one would want to read them.... i feel that i dont' matter and that no one would miss me. i feel lost in the chaos of the world and my own house. i am nothing more than a little girl inside that cries out for attention though i always try to hide...... anyway that's apart of a song by Staind one of my favorite bands. well i'm going to go sit now and stare at the ciling b/c i have nothing better to do with my time.

Re: bored and depressed
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jan 17 12:37:48 2002 (#13488)

I wish I was with you to hold you and listen to all you wrote and errased (excuse my spelling, too many pain pills and muscle relaxers, and a lot of relating to being a teen no one understands.

I lived a whole life none of my family knew about. It will haunt me the rest of my life.

I won't get religious on you now, I already did that under Elisha's Post.

Growing up is so hard. So is being raped. I didn't realize the damage they were having on me till I was almost 40. I've been raped or molested by so many people, over 150 and many of them multiple times. I was so lonely, friendly, and believed people were good.

My life is depression now, but not as bad as a few years ago. I've learned to talk about it.

Rhonda would be a good listener, but I have a guess you can't email ppl. Many of the teenagers can't because of their parents and their situations. If that is the case, write what you need to say on the board and let us respond. You can't shock most of us by what you say or the words that explain your feelings best.

Did you know that depression is referred to as frozen rage, and losing interest in things you once found fulfilling. The only way to get out of depression is to get the bad feeling outside you where you can look at them and find out if they are true or false. If they are true, you can do what you can do to change them. If they are false you can do a lot of things to reprogram your mind to release the lies by telling your innerself the truth.

I already said a prayer for you.... Dawn

Re: bored and depressed
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Jan 18 01:20:56 2002 (#13490)

Your feelings are not stupid and I would like to hear how you feel about things. And you are important to people,especially me. Even though I don't know how you feel, I know that you are in pain. It just makes me wish I could hold everyone who needed a hug. If you don't have anything to do, how about writing to some of us or writing some poems? Tara always writes her feelings down. I think she is on her 3rd journel. She let me read the first one a while back and even after all this time, I was stunned and scared at how bad she wanted to die. Of course, this was at the beginning. When you feel bad, just email me. I won't get it till the evening time (in Oklahoma), but when I do, I'll answer you. I haven't listened to Stained that much, but I really love "It's Been A While". I couldn't believe it when Tara told me who sang it. I listen to all kinds of music except for Rap. Sorry, I can't handle that stuff. Anyway, I hope you feel better and remember to write me if you want too. Take care. Love, Rhonda

why won't they post my poem??
Posted by fallen angel on Thu Jan 17 05:33:09 2002 (#13477)

i wrote a poem called cold nights and sent it to.. whoever posts them and am just wondering why they haven't put it on there yet

is anyone there?
Posted by Kris on Thu Jan 17 07:55:04 2002 (#13478)

Hi to all, I know it is late so I do not know if anyone will respond to this. Here is my sotry I have been a consisant cutter for little over an year now, i use to cut off and on from when I was 12 up until I was 17 when it turned into a everyday thing. I havnt cut for 4 months now and I have done very well, allot of wanting to but havnt. But today and now is different. I am feeling so consumed by everything around me and I feel I have no outlet. I had a miscarrage 2 weeks ago and my mother doesnt even care, on top of that she leave me here to take care of everything plus go to school and do a full time job. just so she can be with her boyfriend. My father could acre less if I died and I just feel like no one cares anymore, the only person that has kept me sane is my boyfriend who is scuh a wonderful guy that I think he could do so much better and I always think why is he with me? Just please someone help. I have thought about suicide again , and I need someone to talk to

Re: is anyone there?
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 17 23:38:53 2002 (#13489)

with your boyfriend by your side you will hopefully be ok and stable ya know, but first off you gotta depend on yourself. which it sounds like your doing a pretty good job of, Im so sorry about your miscarriage, I know thats painful yet it's unfortunate timing couldnt have been better huh? Im truly sorry hun. take care of yourself, keep in there, it'll be ok LOVE KAT

I just can't stop
Posted by Kellie on Thu Jan 17 08:31:21 2002 (#13479)

I have been cutting on and off for a while now and it just seems to keep getting worse, its not like i have any major problems and there doesn't seem to be any reason for me doing it execpt out of anger, and it doesn't even have to be that anymore(i do it cause i'm bored). its really starting to scare me and no one else seems to care, and all i want is some one to listen, and the sad thing is after 20 years of trying to get some one to they still don't realize what that has done to me. Can anyone help???

Re: I just can't stop
Posted by Lindsey on Thu Jan 17 09:27:24 2002 (#13482)

Hun, just start venting away here. We all know what you're going through, and we won't judge. Just go at it. Don't worry about proper spelling (we all know shorthand *smiles*) or any of that, just start venting.

If ya want (and if you have it), add me to your MSN messenger (don't email me though, I have high security and I won't get it) and rant to me.

Blah, blah, blah
Posted by Lindsey on Thu Jan 17 09:23:05 2002 (#13481)

Life is getting queer. I actually got out of the house this past weekend (*gasp!*) thanks to a friend. Indeed, I enjoyed myself, but throughout the weekend I had to stop and remind myself "Lin, you're having fun; it's okay to feel happy." Quiet sad when you have to stop and remind yourself it's okay to feel something. Reminds me of that line from 'The Grinch' - "Max! Help me! I'm feeling!"

Anyway, I need to journey to Chicago again this weekend to the Center for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome at the University of Chicago only so they can tell me again that my chances for Endometrial Cancer are sky high. Yeah, well they already popped my bubble when they told me I had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome when I was 17, so I don't think this could be any more worse.

I don't remember who it was, but someone posted about Mercy Ministries of America awhile back and I sent for some info. I think I'm going to send in an application. I'm sick of living my life this way. I cut myself when I'm pissed; I starve myself for perfection; my mind is constanly going ... I'm just sick of it! Yes there are "oh-this-is-my-life-and-y ou-can't-change-me" days, but the "I-hate-living-this-way&q uot; days outweigh the others.

I dunno. All I know is this isn't a way to live.

http://www.geocities.co m/lindseyrey/

Re: Blah, blah, blah
Posted by fallen angel on Fri Jan 18 06:14:40 2002 (#13491)

i liked your comment "Yes there are "oh-this-is-my-life-and-y ou-can't-change-me" days, but the "I-hate-living-this-way&q uot;days outweigh the others. but unfortunently(sp?) they don't for me and it's more of a this-is-my-life-and-you-didn't -care-then-why-would-you-care- know-so-get-the-fuck-outta-my- face day. anyway i just thought your little hyphend "day things" were cool.

i went to your site and think it's awsome!! and your pictures are hilariouse(sp?) hope you have a good day!

Re: Blah, blah, blah
Posted by Lindsey on Sat Jan 19 04:20:50 2002 (#13494)

*laughs* Thanks for checkin' my site out! Sometimes, I swear, no one sees it. But thank you very much! :)

New email address (someone use it ... PLEASE!)
Posted by Lindsey on Thu Jan 17 10:00:07 2002 (#13484)

I have a new email addy - wonderlandslut@hotmail.com Not very appropriate, but I don't care. There's no security on this one, so anyone and everyone is free to email me with it and I WILL get the message.

My MSN email is lgibson@hotmail.com

I LOVE THE LEADER!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Fri Jan 18 10:48:39 2002 (#13492)

hey, I'm not sure if I've done that subject or not but whatever. Any-who all I can say is grrrrrrrr, my stupid brother has to work at like 7 am tommorrow but he just got off now (1:46 am) just to piss me off because he knows I wanted to use the comp.

what kind of asshole makes himself suffer just out of spite for someone else? errrrrrr

he's right next to me whilst I type this, talking about crap makeing me nervous as hell, man I hate that guy.

Any-who2 sorry about that just needed to vent a bit, this certanly isn't bitch about my famly time and no the subject has nothing to do with him. (!!!)

what was I going to say???....????....????..? hmmmm, I don't really know. oh well, have a good night ppl.

p.s. I only have time to check this thing around 1-3 am every now and then so I hope you'll forgive me for not spending too much time answering everybodies post. night.

laters.

Drew :)

HOPE FOR ALL/Religious(of course) ;)
Posted by Linda on Fri Jan 18 16:18:08 2002 (#13493)

HOPE.....I have said there is so much of it. Do you REALLY want to find it? If you do please go to http://oneplace.com/Ministries /Running_to_Win/ and click to listen to today’s broadcast. Dr. Erwin Lutzer of Moody Bible Church in Chicago is giving a series of sermons on Getting Beyond Your Past. He is dealing with many things that are very common to most of you. He has some wonderful news for you if you want it. You may also go back through the broadcast archives and hear the previous sermons which were also on the subject. If you do not have a sound card and can not listen, you may order the tapes or a book on the same subject. Here is something I learned today. Dr. Lutzer mentioned that he was apparently counseling with a young man who had been verbally abused by his mother. He could not seem to get past it all. He was numb as so many of you mention. He told Dr. Lutzer that in order to be successful, he HAD to fail because that was what his mother had told him all his life. Dr. Lutzer’s answer was to refer him to Jesus sermon in the temple found in Luke 4:18....”The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, TO PREACH DELIVERANCE TO THE CAPTIVES, and recovering sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, To preach the acceptable year of the Lord.” This young man’s mother had him in captivity to her words..........Jesus can deliver captives!!! There was so much more on the last 5-6 broadcasts. Please give yourself the freedom to check it out. I want to see a lot more deliverance of captives!!!! Love to all!

Re: HOPE FOR ALL/Religious(of course) ;)
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jan 20 06:31:53 2002 (#13508)

Thanks Linda, I'll try out the sight. I don't have a Java Browser so I may not be albe to connect, but I'll give it a try... even if I don't the part of being a captive to the words is something I connect with. I've tried many things to free me from words thrown at me that held me captive, and I've never associated the idea of taking them to Jesus.

Its not programs or techniques that are able to break the bonds, But Jesus can and will if I ask Him. It is his promise. thank you again.....I am so glad you are on this board. Love in Christ ... Dawn

"Cold Nights"
Posted by fallen angel on Sat Jan 19 05:48:41 2002 (#13495)

This is the Poem i tried to post a coupla days ago. i'm not much of a writer but i try to get my feelings out. Well that was before i found out that my mom went through my notebooks. now i dont' write anymore. i've tried hiding them but it seems stupid and worthless if she really wanted to find them she would. but it doesn't matter i'll find other ways to vent and express my feelings good or bad who knows.

Cold nights

She closes her eyes and her mind drifts away, As she pulls the covers to her chin, Feeling ashamed and all alone, She gazes into the darkness of her room With the curtains pulled tightly shut, And the room turns black as night With her head pounding and her wrists aching, She slowly reaches for the phone, but hears them whispering. “don’t be a burden, let them sleep.” “it’s not their problem the demons you keep.” She wants to cry, but the tears are frozen. So she sits and tries her hardest, to make sense Of the chaos buried deep within her mind. But her eyes get heavy as the pencil slows. Another feeling buried, another poem unwritten But maybe they will let her sleep. Maybe the feelings will go away. For the morning will come and the dreams will be forgotten, The night of torment and pain is over. It might be hot in her long sleeves and jeans, but the night came to an end when she finally gave in.

Re: "Cold Nights"
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Sat Jan 19 23:53:16 2002 (#13502)

WOW...that's a great poem right there.

Re: "Cold Nights"
Posted by *me* on Sun Jan 20 02:44:24 2002 (#13505)

Hey, I REALLY liked your poem. Don't let your mom prevent you from writing. You're good at it! Keep posting.

Lots of love, take care and stay safe.

Re: "Cold Nights"
Posted by mego on Tue Jan 22 00:45:09 2002 (#13527)

thats me.

mego

now my only conoslation is that this could not last forever.~Incubus

Re: "Cold Nights"
Posted by crystal on Wed Jan 23 01:41:41 2002 (#13563)

keep those demons coming out in words onto the paper so they can't hurt you anymore. if you let the words flow eventualy those voices will shut up. you have beautiful words.

xoxox,

crstl

i feel like it
Posted by david on Sat Jan 19 06:08:34 2002 (#13496)

I feel like cutting right now , I haven't decided if i'm going to or not . I'm waiting for the witching hour. I've got everything ready. I'm hoping if I write this it will be instead. well the deed is done. another tribute of blood for unrequited love. I don't need much just enough to watch the blood run. sorry if this seems too bleak or glib, it's just how I am at these times. I just needed to share and this seemed the place to do it. thank you david

Re: i feel like it
Posted by Kellie on Mon Jan 21 01:20:07 2002 (#13519)

I know just how u feel, i tried writing to stop myself a few times, but it just doesn't work! I have found that talking has helped a great deal in some time were i probaly would of really hurt myself worse that normal. if you ever need to vent just go ahead thats why were here~~so you can talk about your problems when you need to! go ahead and email me if you ever need to talk, I'm will to try and help you if you ever need it!

ok here's another stupid poem
Posted by fallen angel on Sat Jan 19 07:08:09 2002 (#13497)

i'm bored and don't want to go to bed b/c i'm afraid i will start to cutting again, i have already tore up my ankles and have to go see the "almighty shrink" on monday so i need to stay busy.... it's not gonna happen but at lest i tried.. Ok here it goes nobody laugh.. well you can if you want just don't tell me about it.

Endless wishes

Do you ever wish , you didn’t have to wish anymore do you ever wonder what it’s like to be happy, to not always have to wish that you were someone else, or always want to be anywhere but here. Do ever wake up and feel like throwing your fist through the mirror, or go to sleep afraid of what the night might hold do you ever wonder what it’s like to be me to live in my world of confusion and fear of heartache and broken promises. Can you see the pain? have I hid it well?

Re: ok here's another stupid poem
Posted by *me* on Sun Jan 20 02:45:56 2002 (#13506)

Keep posting your poems!! I love them!

Re: ok here's another stupid poem
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jan 20 06:52:07 2002 (#13509)

That was wonderful. I wrote a poem much like it so you won't get a laugh out of me.

And keep writing. It is one of the best therapies around.

And by the way, in group therapy years ago, now, I learned that many times abuse happened at night, and because of that the survivors had problems sleeping at night, or in their beds, because they had to keep up the vigilance even years after the abuse.

Many survivors also harm their bodies because it was what they did after the abuse, and that only then could they sleep.

This may not apply to you, but it is something to think about.

Funny with all I KNOW I still struggle, but not like I did. And that is why I share some of what I've learned. Sometimes by understanding things we can work better toward healing.

But keep writing poems, AND PLEASE DON'T PUT THEM DOWN BY SAYING THEY ARE STUPID OR EXPECTING PPL TO LAUGH.

It isn't a writing competion, to be judged. It is a healing experience that flows from deep inside you. And what ever comes out is what is meant to be expressed without judgement even by you. (and I do not mean to sound like I'm repremanding you) I'm just trying to encourage you to be more accepting of yourself. YOU ARE NOT STUPID. YOU ARE A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING....and I love who you are...Dawn

Re: ok here's another stupid poem
Posted by crystal on Wed Jan 23 01:36:46 2002 (#13562)

keep on writing. beautiful words.

xoxox,

crstl

stupid
Posted by charlie on Sat Jan 19 17:30:09 2002 (#13498)

im trying to stop cuttin, not straight away just weaning off at the mo, i havent cut my arms or legs for over 6 weeks now! and a real big thing! i dont want any obvious scars for my holiday i have in march! i have however cut my ankles, feet and once on my tummy! these placese are all new but i dont see it as a problem! so far i havent touched my arms and legs an that all i have tried to do!......... the problem is i have a close friend who has told me to ring her when ever i feel in the mood to cut! we have a code for it an i text her first.....i thought this could be the only thing that could stop me doing it in the heat of the moment until the other night i found myself cuttin while i was on the fone! i did tell her an she accepted it really well but i just feel really bad for it! ...... s if thats the case what is there left for me to help stop me cuttin?? ive messed up big time and i have failed!

sorry to blab on but i needed to tell som1!

charlie xxxxxxx

I hate the word stupid, you are not stupid
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jan 20 07:15:01 2002 (#13510)

Charlie; I can relate to your story and how you feel you failed... but I did something much worse.

I am a Christian, I love God more than I have ever loved anyone or anything. Since I was a very young child I sang to God everywhere I went. I took a hymnal from a church and carried it with me. After my breakdown I still played Christian tapes and my heart was where it always was when I sang, in the presence of God, then suddenly I became aware that I was cutting. I felt so horrible.... like I corruted my spirit and my relationship with God. So unconsciously I quit playing music. And it was over 8 years before I played anything at all.

The problem is I split. When I was raped I would split and take myself out of my body to a different place. It is an unconscious happening. That was what I had done that day, only the place I went was God's presence, and instead of someone else harming me it was myself.

I think while you were talking you split as well. I do not believe you knew what you were doing until you became aware of it. Then the self loating took over and now you feel terrible about yourself which causes you to feel the need to cut more.

I think some good self talk will help. Tell yourself it wasn't your fault. that you are not stupid, you weren't even aware you were doing it. AND FORGIVE YOURSELF just like I've had to do.

If this has helped please let me know...Dawn

thanks dawn
Posted by charlie on Sun Jan 20 13:32:14 2002 (#13513)

yes dawn that does help in the sense i know im not me when i do c*t..... i only realised that last night when i had a c*t myself so badly that i reached for the fone an rung a crisis line, an for me that is a big thing coz i hate fones and i hate talking, especialy to people i dont know!....

i was so desperate an darent trouble my friend again.....talking helped alot. im glad i could do it.

you have helped dawn...... thank you for replying

*hug*

hmm...
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Sun Jan 20 00:01:29 2002 (#13504)

wow...i have not written in so long. i have not even been looking at the post and what not. i dont know why, i just did not feel like it...but yeah...lots has changed. i told my parents about my cutting, my best friend made me. so i am in theapy and all that stuff. i guess its good. i just dont like answering all those questions. nothing really has changed between my parents and me, they dont treat me any different...so i guess that is a good thing...this was a total pointless post, but i just felt like sharing...sorry

Re: hmm...
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jan 20 07:49:54 2002 (#13511)

I emailed you, but wanted to say again that I have a lot of experience with therapy, and knowledge of some tools to help find the root problem that causes all of us to cut.

Every day I'm getting better, so something must be working.

First time
Posted by ashley on Sun Jan 20 06:24:35 2002 (#13507)

This is the first thing i have ever wrote here, I feel really uncomfortable righting this. Two of my friends, that i know cut themseleves. One has major problems with her parents and think thats why she does it. The other I don't know why, and almost everything about her makes me mad, but that is hole different message. I started "cutting" a couple days now and i don;t know why. I have everything, a wonderful family, a good roof over my head, i am decently actrative, i am out going and get decent grades. Yet i want to make little cuts all over my arm. The only that is stoppong me from making more deeper ones is that i'd have to come up with excuses for all of them. Thats all the energer i have to right right now, but there is so much more.

Re: First time
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jan 20 08:08:54 2002 (#13512)

Welcome to the board. We have all been where you are, those first cuts, the more to tell, the questions why.

What I can't relate to is your homelife, I'm one of those people who had abusive parents, grew up on welfare, got new clothes at the beginning of school and Christmas, moved more times than I can count and so on. And believed if I had the things you seem to have would have no problems.

But at 49 I've learned that trouble comes to all people regardless of income, social standing, and material advantages.

I hope that before you cut anymore you speak with a counselor at school or your parents and get into counseling. I believe if you do this soon you will nip this in the bud and not have the permanet scars on your body as I and most others on here does.

If you do not feel as though you can talk to the people I suggested I hope you will begin writing your thoughts and feelings in a journal or diary, and come to this board instead of cutting. But I want to warn you that often times the atomousphere and attitude is cut all you want...it is ok... the deeper the better.

But I've been cutting for 12-13 years and it got very bad before it got better. And you sound so tender, and innocent, but there is deep pain or shame somewhere inside you that needs to come out. That not all is as good as it appears from the outside.

If I can help in anyway please email me. I'll be praying for you....Dawn

church...........
Posted by fallen angel on Sun Jan 20 19:56:04 2002 (#13514)

ok well i just got back from chruch, which i don't attend on a regular basis and now i know why. The only reason i went was to see a friend that i haven't seen in a long time , she's really nice and kinda reminds me of tara's mom, she gives me encouragement and one of those hugs that just makes life seem worth living. But even though it was great to see her, i found myself cutting as soon as i got to my car. She makes me feel safe, and makes my feelings seem important. Something that i never had at home. So i don't know if it was that i didn't want to leave or maybe just the whole church setting that got me upset but i felt really bad afterwards more than usuall. She's a great person and would help more if she could, but she lives about 45-50 mins away and leads a very busy life. The only draw back in her personality is that she makes alot of empty promises, another thing that i have stuggled with from my home life and past. anyway i don't know what adivse anyone could give on this matter i just felt that i needed to write it down instead of pushing it down with everythign else. Hope everyone else had a great day. Oh and if anyone has AOL IM i'm on alot but it's motsly in the early mornings from like 11:00pm to around 2or3 in the morning. oh and i live in NC so i don't know what the time diff would be but my SN is fallen660angel. if your up and wanting someone to talk to i'll be here.

Re: church...........
Posted by Linda on Sun Jan 20 21:39:59 2002 (#13515)

((((((((angel))))))) You posted that because I needed to hear it. The part you wrote about the empty promises hit very close to home for me. I am sure that I am a lot like your friend. I am very passionate about everything I do. I am easily touched by others hurts but the problem is that I can't make it all better for EVERYBODY.....actually the truth is "I" can not make it better for anybody!! Only through the ministry of the Holy Spirit in me can I touch another life. I'm very sure that your friend may be the kind that can take a hug from someone and go on in the power of that affirmation for awhile, so therefore, she doesn't realize how much it means to you. There is One that does know that though. AND He never will leave you if you have accepted Him. I hope you know him. By the way, I put you on my AOL messenger. My name there is Svdbygs2341.

((((((Linda))))))))))
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jan 21 08:42:01 2002 (#13521)

I haven't been to church for quite some time. I miss what I used to have. I miss the me I used to be.........

Cutting cuts me out of the life I used to live.

Now its sleep, and rest in God's hands till I can go to church and sing without splitting or thinking of suicide.

I'm doing better..... as long as I stay home, or going to Goodwill or to the grocery store. or a doctor's office. I'm Hermitizing....Dawn

Big Hugs to you Dawn
Posted by Linda on Mon Jan 21 19:52:36 2002 (#13523)

I don't think I've ever enjoyed a big parentheses hug more!! Knowing how you feel about them makes it mean more. Relax in God's hands! He is capable of making you whole again!!

Re: church...........
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jan 22 01:07:37 2002 (#13529)

Hey Angel, I don't go to church very much either. I mean, I believe in God but my feelings are different from most people. I don't think I have to be in a building to show God how much I love him. I know my father disagrees with me so much that we can't even talk about it without him getting out of control in his words, but that's the way I feel. I can remember my dad making me go to church when I was little and I had a fever of 102!!! The Sunday School teacher called my mom out of her class and had her take me home and when dad found out, he was totally pissed off. Maybe that is why I don't like going in a building to worship. I just sit on my back porch and looking at the views. Well, there's my two cents worth. If you like going to church, by all means go, but you can worship without a building. Hope I don't make anyone mad with my speech. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Still wondering
Posted by ashley on Sun Jan 20 23:26:35 2002 (#13516)

I am still trying to figure out why I do this. Is it for attention i am just trying to fit in. I don't know and don't understand. I have changed alot in last couple years. I used to be very close to God, prayed every night. But now I am a pot head that steels. I have no need to steel it just seems easier paying sometimes. While I am cutting I think about my other friends that do. A doctor could probably tell me that means something very specific. I also feel really guilty, like I am letting down some of the people that are most important. I am so glad I found this place, I really felt like I needed to talk to someone but didn't know who, now I do.

Re: Still wondering
Posted by Tiffany on Tue Jan 22 03:12:43 2002 (#13533)

Hey, I really don't post much, but you sound like you really need someone to talk to. I have no idea as to why i cut, i've had a coule of friends who've done it, but i think i got the idea from them. They have no stopped, but cutting has become part of me now. My grades have slipped and even though i have more friends (after i've cut i become more open and not afraid to talk to people) I'm just not dependable. I had to tell my coach that i cut because everytime I would pass the volleyball, it would open my cuts,and i would have to get a bandaid. But, ne ways, i got off toipc, you talk to me anytime. Hopefully we'll talk soon, maybe we can help each other out.

Hopefully Devoted, Tiffany

Re: Still wondering
Posted by KAT on Tue Jan 22 16:58:19 2002 (#13540)

you're very important to us here, at least to me you are. I dont wanna sound corny as hell, but I do wanna say that I feel your pain, and Ive felt the same you have said you are feeling. If you start now to try and change your life maybe things can turn for the better. If you continue to do drugs and go down a winding depressed road your gonna end up..well lke me. I know that doesnt give you much insentive, but please take care of yourself..you sound so willing to get better, marijuana makes you so severely depressed in the long run. I know it does, Ive smoked it for years upon years..useless years. Take care Ashley, we're here to talk whenever you need to. If you wanna find out more about cutting and the causes Id say look on this site, its pretty good..or go get a book from the library. Books on cutting have also helped me learn why Im so ...well why I cut myself up. love KAT

Swimming classes at school=BIG PROBLEM!
Posted by Shannon on Mon Jan 21 01:00:20 2002 (#13517)

I wanna cut myself all the time, but I know if I do the next time I have swimming, they will report my cuts to the guidence counselor at school and I hate her, she sent me to the hospital every school year so far(6th, 7th, and 8th grade) I'm in 8th, but I've been the hospital a total of 4 times, I'm really getting tired of it by now, Ijust wanna cut myself to feel better but people think its a bad thing everyone except for my outside of school counselor...I go to her for sexual abuse counseling, she thinks it's fine because she's knows that it's MY way of coping and not my school counselor's or my mom's, or whoever has a problem with it...but I don't know what to do....I don't get enough joy from real little cuts on my shoulders, I need big cuts on my arms instead....anyone have any adivice? HELP ME HERE, PLEASE!

Re: Swimming classes at school=BIG PROBLEM!
Posted by sara on Mon Jan 21 02:37:03 2002 (#13520)

hey, i don't post here much, mostly read...anyway, try vitamin e lotion (its also in most lotins/some suncreens/age defying stuff). but i coach the special olympics swim team, and the chlorine does help the scars get lighter. anyway, email me if you want

sara

Re: Swimming classes at school=BIG PROBLEM!
Posted by erica on Mon Jan 21 22:43:09 2002 (#13525)

I know what you mean in a way. In school growing up I was able to get away with telling them that my cat scratched me. Which was true. Can you wear a t-shirt in class? Thats what I did a lot. I know what you mean about that desire to cut all up and down your arms. But let's look at the bright side, it's a few less scars if you resist the temptation. Erica:o)

Re: Swimming classes at school \coping skills
Posted by KAT on Tue Jan 22 17:04:26 2002 (#13541)

I know t's hard but you can try and learn new coping skills. Heres a few that HAVE actually worked for me. I made them up my self because all the coping skills I learned in hospitals have been useless. Ok here they go: Take washable markers and draw all over your body what you are feeling or just draw pictures, it really works for me..then when your done and you've calmed down you can was it all away. You cant wash away the feelings of deep hurt that are instilled that make you wanna cut but you can wash away the anger and hate that you feel at that moment. Time really heels the worst of our hurts, and yet some dont ever heal. Ok here's another one..take a bunch of paper and write in big words just anything you want, tape them up over your room and read them and just sulk in your feelings. dunno it worked for me. when your at school or somewhere where theres alot of people and you need to cut get around someone you trust a friend, a teahcer, or just by yourself and just cry and let yourself cry as long as you want. Excuse yourself or go to the restroom..Im not sure if you can do that though. Im sorry you have had such tough times, take care Shannon Im herew for you, and I know the pain that sexual abuse can cause. love ALLLLLWAAYS -KAT! :)

Re: Swimming classes at school \coping skills
Posted by mara B on Mon Jan 28 22:31:23 2002 (#13741)

here's my suggestions:

if you can, wear a t-shirt over your upper body. if your scars/cuts go down to your wrists, you can always get a wetsuit jacket..I've done that, and when people ask, just tell them your arms are sensitive to chlorine, so that's why you have the jacket.

are the swimming lessons mandatory? even if you hate your guidance councellor (I know how that feels) she can get you out of them, or at least try to. same with your outside councellor. it's worth a shot.

peace shannon

-mara B

i don't know what to do anymore
Posted by Ann on Mon Jan 21 01:03:45 2002 (#13518)

Well, I don't really know where to start, this is my first time talking about my cutting problem, I have been cutting since i was 14 and now im 21 and it just seems that every day it just keeps getting worse and i don't know how to stop! Im happy i cut, im sad i cut... im sure who ever reads this knows the drill, but im starting to scare myself when i do it cause i can just cut once and there getting deeper and deeper and hard to explain when people see them (and hard/longer to heal). Im tired of waiting to see how bad it is the next time, it is just such a releif to do it, but when its over i feel even worse for doing it so the cycle begins again and i cut. I just want to know does it even get better/easier to resist, easier to stop, cause i feel that if i dont i might cut do deep the next time and not heal at all.

Re: i don't know what to do anymore
Posted by jennah on Mon Jan 21 20:41:16 2002 (#13524)

hey i know the drill but don'tthink about it always try to keep your mind occupied and away from sharp objects it help k please listen thanks- *~jennah~*

Re: i don't know what to do anymore
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jan 22 01:14:22 2002 (#13530)

Hi Ann, This is a good place to start talking cause there are all kinds of people who will understand your problems. Me, I don't cut, but my daughter does and I come here to try a give advice from an adults point of view. Let me ask you some questions, do you get help from a therapist or anyone else?, do you take any medication? If not, you should consider doing that. If you don't want to do that, then try to keep coming here and we'll all try and help you as best we can. You can email me if you ever feel like talking. Please take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

hurting...IMPORTANT
Posted by mego on Tue Jan 22 00:49:51 2002 (#13528)

everything hurts. it hurts to think, it hurts to cry, to see people, to listen to my moms voice. all of these memories and thoughts hurt so bad. my head and eyes hurt. cutting hurts. cutting has never, ever hurt before and i dont know what the hell is going on. why is it hurting to cut? its supposed to fix things, it always makes me numb, or relaxes me. i can't live if i can't cut, and i can't cut if it hurts. what am i going to do? i'm starting to get scared and if i can't cut and feel better in a couple days i seriously will go crazy. i don't know what i'll do, but i know something will happen. i'm really nervous, someone please help, tell me how to make this stop hurting. mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: hurting...IMPORTANT
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jan 22 01:17:23 2002 (#13531)

Take a deep breath and relax. I'm here for you. I wish I could be there to hold you. It would be so much better, but since I can't, please know that I will say a prayer for you and hope that by the time you see this posting that things are a little better for you. You know you can email me. ((((((((((TAKE CARE))))))))))))))))) Love, Rhonda

Re: hurting...IMPORTANT
Posted by KAT on Tue Jan 22 16:42:09 2002 (#13537)

Sweetheart, I know what your going through..what to do when the cutting doesnt help anymore. I dont know, Im not a psychologist but I think that at a certain point we get a tolerance for cutting and it begins to hurt. Our depression kind of fades, maybe, and the cutting hurts again..it hurts because we know its wrong. like when drugs dont work anymore, when pot doesnt get you fucked up anymore you move to something stronger. When cutting doesnt work anymore we are lost..I know I was, I was completely lost. I had help though, I was sent to a crisis center no thanks to any of my "friends." With counseling and love and time I got over cutting, yet sometimes I still slip up and cut, and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt. You need to get on some anti=depressants or some medicine s that will suit yo best..medicine was also a big part of my recovering..well trying to recover from my fucked up life. I realy believe that stopping cutting is almost if impossible to do on your own, especially if your dependent on it to make you "normal" day to day. Like smoking, you need help, you cant just go cold trukey. please take care of yourself you're in my heart because I know the pain you feel, its unlike any physical pain and it hurts so bad. please feeel better, please be safe, take care of yourself..your precious. love KAT

GETTING WORSE
Posted by mego on Wed Jan 23 03:19:28 2002 (#13565)

i'm trying to take deep breaths but these damn panic attacks aren't letting me. i can't take anti-depressants, my mom says that they're for crazy people and that i'm just being stupid. my mom says i dont need them, i dont know what to do. i am so scared. i tried cutting again last night. i couldn't even get the razor in deep enough. i bled, but not enough. it hurt too bad. i dont know what i am going to do. i have been so jumpy lately, paranoid even. shit. i'm scared. my hands are shaking, i can't breathe, i can't think. all day people have been asking me if i'm sick or stoned. i talk and i know i'm not making any sense. i stumble over all my words, i've been forgetting people's names. i get nervous talking to the same people i talk to every day, like they're jugding me, like they know about me. but nobody knows. i'm confused, and i'm scared and i think i'm going crazy. help me.

Re: GETTING WORSE
Posted by KAT on Wed Jan 23 23:49:47 2002 (#13591)

Hi sweetheart, it's okay..just calm yourself down.I dunno you sound like I felt the night before I found myself in a mental hospital for the first time. Sorry it seems like I always talk about that hospital but it has been a big part of my life. I thought I was going crazy, but no..I was sooo severly depressed and attached to cutting that I was just like you, couldnt breath couldnt speak couldnt function. But I have great news, that feeling does not last forever and it gets soo much better. If your mother wont let you go on medicine then talk to your school counselors, dont be afraid to. You should be the most important thing to you right now in your life and you need to do anything that will help you out. Maybe write down what your feeling or explain to your mother what your feeling, let her read about depression and know that its nothing near being crazy. I promise!!! take care of yourself, and take things one at a time, dont let to many things overwhelm you.. take care *hugs* all my love to you -KAT

Re: GETTING WORSE
Posted by mego on Thu Jan 24 01:14:47 2002 (#13598)

i wrote about being depressed in all in my poems, my mom read them and got mad. i can't talk to my counselor without an appointment, that takes forever to get in. last time i was going to talk to her, she cancelled my appointment because 'something important came up' but i could hear her in her in her office talking to some woman about cupons and clothes. i am not going to talk to her. shes so fake. my family and friends are more important than me right now, because they are the ones that i depend on to feel normal. i know i'll never be normal myself, so i have to put them first. whenever i don't, its all problems. my best friend is mad because she saw me hugging the guy she likes. we weren't flirting, we were making up because we were joking around and he pushed me into a counter and knocked a chair over on me (yeah, another reason for people to look at me funny). so she's been giving me attitude. she's only liked him for a couple days, and we weren't all clingy or anything. it was just a quick friend hug. too bad thats all it took to make me feel real for the couple seconds it lasted. i dont know what to do. every time i ask for help and someone gives me some advise, i say it wont work. i feel really bad about that, don't think i'm ungreatful, its just too complicated. my mom knows i'm cutting myself, she knows i'm depressed, she just keeps threatening to send me to a home "whith all the other kids who are so out of control that they cant stay at home" and yells at me and tells me how bad it is for her, having to read my poems. "'oh it feels so good to cut myself' thats real cool megan. youre sick. you know that? do you know what its like for me to read that? i spend all my money on you for christmas, i buy you whatever the hell you want, i drive your ass everywhere, i let your friends come over all the time... what the fuck do you want? you're a spoiled brat. wake up! get a fucking clue and stop feeling sorry for youself! or no, just lie to your friends again, like in that notebook you have with kristine" so i dont write anymore. i haven't since before christmas, and its making things worse. except the poem i wrote as an apology to my mom. too bad i didn't mean it like i meant all of that other shit. she keeps insisting that it wasn't hidden, that i wanted her to find it. it doesn't make any sense. if i wanted her to know, i'd keep the blood in my clothes, i'd cut in places that she could see. lately i've been thinking about slitting my wrists. i can imagine the blood and being relaxed. i was staring at my wrist today in class, tracing over my veins with one of my fingers, totally in my own world, until this kid asked what the hell i was doing. he was looking at me like i'm insane, like i actually did it. its too bad, hes a cute kid. i'm sorry. just more complaining and i'll probably have some reason not to take anybody's advise. thanks for your help, though. its nice to have someone make the effort, you know? thanks. mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: GETTING WORSE
Posted by Angel on Tue Jan 29 08:42:53 2002 (#13765)

I know how you feel. You shouldn't listen to your mom. Anti depressants are a good aid. They calm you down and hel you think more rationally. Call a lifeline or see a councillor. I tried anti depressants, and they helped me calm down. While I was on them, I was SI free for about 2 weeks. That's a record for me. Tell your mom you need help. ~Angel

Your prayers are needed
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jan 22 01:54:22 2002 (#13532)

Hey everyone, JUst wanted to post and let you all know that Tara really needs your prayers tonight. She cut today for the first time in almost 8 months. It breaks my heart but all I can do is love her even more. I posted the reason why on the other board. Remember her tonight please. Take care everyone. Love, Rhonda

Re: Your prayers are needed
Posted by sara on Tue Jan 22 11:39:27 2002 (#13534)

yes, i will pray for tara as i remember when she helped me many times around this time last year. sara

Re: Your prayers are needed
Posted by KAT on Tue Jan 22 16:46:03 2002 (#13538)

I hope that Tara stays safe trhough this hard time. To a "cutter" a hard time could seem like the end of the world. Pleasee take care of her Rhonda , I know you will.and it seems to me that you and Tara have an open enough relationship so she can tell you when she cuts, but still watch her closely. love always.. youre in my prayers *Tara* love KAT

I'm a faceless whore
Posted by KAT on Tue Jan 22 16:50:38 2002 (#13539)

wow it seems that I only come to the board when something goes wrong, wel I guess thats part way true. So I posted onthe other psyke board about my parents raiding my room, not like it's anything knew..but they found things they shouldnt have. They have known for years that Ive been on and off dsrugs they have known for almost 2 years that Ive been cutting on and off and depressed, but they have NOT ever known that I have had sex. It hurts to teribly that they know now that I am not a virgin anymore. They found condoms in my room. and I wasnt going to lie directly to their faces. Now my mom sees a pimple near my mouth and immidiatly says you have herpes dont you! Im like mom, what the fuck! god she doesnt know but that hurt my feeling ssooo bad. It hurt my heart, it made the hole in my heart even bigger and more bloody. My father cant even look at me anymore, they dont talk to me, aznd havent said they love me, they havent even hugged me like they used to . I feel so worthless, and I feel like a dirty whore even though I know in my mind that I had sex because I believed I was truely in love and wanted to. My parents see me as the cornor whore...I need help. -KAT

Re: I'm a faceless whore
Posted by Linda on Tue Jan 22 19:30:09 2002 (#13542)

((((((((Kat)))))) It is very good that you feel ashamed that your parents found out about your problems. That means that you have a deep respect and love for them. That will take you a long way. I'm sorry they are treating you as if you don't exist. I am sure that is the only way they know to act right now. They are probably questioning what THEY did wrong to cause you so much pain. It is good that it is out. Now that it is out you can begin to heal from the damage done. A sore always hurts when it is lanced BUT the healing begins from that point. Use it for good in your life. You must make a decision to do that. No one else can. Know that you can stand before God perfectly clean and pure as a new fallen snow through Jesus Christ!

Re: I'm a faceless whore
Posted by crystal on Tue Jan 22 20:52:55 2002 (#13545)

i'm so sorry you are going through this. don't ever feel like a whore. don't ever let anyone make you feel that way. even your own parents.you are the one in charge of your sexuality. and you decide what is right and wrong for you. it sounds like you are being safe so don't let them make you feel like a bad person. i know it must hurt that your parents are giving you such a cold shoulder. but that is their shock talking. they have to get used to you growing up. it isn't a reflection on whether or not you are a truly bad person. don't let that hole in your heart grow any bigger. i hope things get better soon. i've been there.

xoxox,

crstl

Re: I'm a faceless whore
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Jan 23 02:50:42 2002 (#13564)

Kat, I bet right now your parents are wondering what they did wrong. That's the way parents are, at least the ones I know. It's also good that everything is out in the open now. It may not seem like it. When we found out about Tara, her father couldn't look at her either cause he didn't want to see that his LITTLE girl was turning into a woman. It's so hard for fathers to accept that fact in their daughters. What do to now, I don't really know. I'll say prayers for you and your parents. I really hope they try to help you and if they don't, I'm here for you. Please take care of yourself. Email if you ever want to talk. Love, Rhonda

some flowers bloom dead
Posted by cindy on Tue Jan 22 20:02:17 2002 (#13543)

that's how I feel-as though I was born already dead-that there's something so fundamentally wrong with my head thaht it was just never even meant to work from the start. does that make sense? could there be something physically wrong with my mind or is all emotionally stuff that makes you cut? I just dont know. thanks. take care. cindy xox

Re: some flowers bloom dead
Posted by crystal on Tue Jan 22 20:44:46 2002 (#13544)

it could be a physical thing caused by stuff from your past. if you are abused a lot as a kid sometimes the seratonin (the chemicals in your brain that help you not be depressed) go way down. it could be a lot of things.

xoxox,

crstl

you're beautiful inside
Posted by KAT on Tue Jan 22 23:30:24 2002 (#13554)

tabula rasa- a baby is born with a clean slate. Everything that gets written on the babys slate is all the expierences she sees, hears, tastes, smells, and feels. That is one theory to how human beings form , believed by a British philosopher John Locke. Sorry just a little somethin i picked up in Psych. class but I felt it fit perfectly for your thread. I don't think that you we're born severly wrong, although I dont know exactly what you think and feel..It is most liley something that either happened early on or a trauma in your life that is upsetting you to this day. Maybe it's depression, depression comes from so many different things its hard to pin point exactly what got you depressed or when you first started feeling depressed, but it can be cured. The right medicines and the right life style can help tremendously. By cutting you are just coping with something that is hurting you way down deep inside. Cutting, isn't really it's own disorder, well so for I believe, like anorexia..which is also a coping skill. these are terrible skills we picked up somewhere along the line to help us deal with painful memories, or even painful stressors that happen in every day life. well I hope that helped you understand that you are not just pure fucked in the head, your just like us..hurt and angered but there is hope. trust me, Ive been through it. love ALWAYS KAT

snapping bird bones
Posted by crystal on Tue Jan 22 21:04:08 2002 (#13546)

happiness isn't something i know how to deal with. joy and i squabble about indefinate things. screams try ripping through the fresh air breezing across my bare breasts. and i'm not used to all this sunlight. frying the deepest underbelly of my nightmares. the past of days rears up to greet me every time my throat is silent. and i keep speaking cheerful words. and smiling steak knife smiles slicing my head open. hopefully spilling out the cat's eyes rolling round inside my head like obsessed eels. wrapping round the back of my eyeballs like leeches. til i can't see anything but slime. and i am stretching til my tendons crack like snapping bird bones.

Re: snapping bird bones
Posted by Repeated Mistake on Tue Jan 22 21:23:08 2002 (#13550)

Wow. That was deep. And Gothic. And......

............True....... .........

thanks *Mistake*
Posted by crystal on Wed Jan 23 01:13:49 2002 (#13558)

thanks for taking the time to read my words. hope you kind find something in it. glad you're feeling better. we all have bad days.

xoxoxox,

crystl

Re: snapping bird bones
Posted by KAT on Tue Jan 22 23:18:20 2002 (#13553)

Crystal, that what you wrote was very very intriguing to me. I liked it very much, you are very good in putting to words feelings that hurt so much. I write, but it's all pretty much the same thing over and over put into different words and rhymes.. take care Hun. LOVE KAT

thanks kat
Posted by crystal on Wed Jan 23 01:09:07 2002 (#13557)

thanks so much. it means a lot that you apreciate the words. writing the same thing over and over can help us excersize our demons. and is often beautiful.

xoxox

crstl

Who Knew
Posted by Repeated Mistake on Tue Jan 22 21:08:11 2002 (#13547)

Who would have known, the day I was born, that I would be such a total screw up. If you ever saw my baby pictures, you would see that I never looked like one. But now i'm just..... ugh. Screwed up.

*New Here...* *Mistake*

Re: Who Knew
Posted by crystal on Tue Jan 22 21:13:15 2002 (#13548)

we're all screwed up. but sometimes the screwed up people are the most interesting ones. the most amazing people i know are the ones who have gone through a lot of pain when they came through to the other side they were better for it. you are never a total screw up. you are a beautiful person and things will get better.

xoxoxox,

crstl

Thanks crystal
Posted by Repeated Mistake on Tue Jan 22 21:21:21 2002 (#13549)

Thanks a bunch. I just had a sucky day, that's all =) *Mistake*

Simple Math
Posted by Olonafano on Tue Jan 22 21:27:33 2002 (#13551)

Life= Shit Shit= an ass-born hotdog An ass born hot dog= smelly Smelly= life *repeat repeat repeat* from this we can deduct that life is a never ending cycle of shit, asses, and smelly hotdogs... why bother to put up with it?

Re: Simple Math
Posted by Repeated Mistake on Tue Jan 22 21:30:18 2002 (#13552)

TRUE THAT!!!

Heehee I loov you Olonafano!

--Irukahana--

AKA MISTAKE

Re: Who Knew
Posted by angel on Tue Jan 29 08:47:58 2002 (#13766)

This message board might not seem like it helps, but I think it does. If we couldn't talk about shit on here...where would we be able to otherwise? Normal people are scared of us because they don't understand. we can't turn to them for help, so why not turn to eachother? ~Angel

Re: Who Knew
Posted by KAT on Tue Jan 22 23:39:36 2002 (#13556)

welcome here, I hope you find yourself comfortable enough to talk when you feel like cutting or just when you feel like talking. Take care of yourself, PlEASE..! We all have had very disturbing , painful life expierences, doesnt mean any of us are screwed up from birth, honestly. love KAT

Question...
Posted by Strange~ on Wed Jan 23 06:08:18 2002 (#13567)

Before I put my whole life story down or something, does this message bored thingy really help you guys deal a little more?

Re: Question...
Posted by crystal on Wed Jan 23 06:38:31 2002 (#13570)

yep.

Re: Question...
Posted by KAT on Wed Jan 23 23:33:03 2002 (#13587)

now days things in my life are way more complicated and involve more then just a little love and care, but when I was having a tough time and wanting to cut and massacre my body, this board helped more then I can say. It has helped me sooooooooooooo much to get out feelings i might not otherwise get out. -KAT

are we a human virus?
Posted by crystal on Wed Jan 23 01:27:24 2002 (#13559)

last night my roomate and i staid up all night talking about Nietzche and the existence of God. I've been reading the Nag Hammadi. it talks a lot about how in the beginning of the world there was light and darkness and the spirit inbetween. the dark was envious of the light and so lost its sense of self. the spirit got stuck in the middle and split into us - human beings. we are each of us the physical manifistation of the battle between light and dark. that is the constant passion and torment we feel. i thought it was interesting. perhaps a good metaphor for our own pain. my personal pain aside - i get so disgusted by myself as a part of this human virus consuming the world. the tradgedy is in that, as horrible as humankind is sometimes - it is such a beautiful work of art at the same time. there is that struggle again between dark and light. good and bad. does anyone else feel that larger pain, aside from the personal life, that can just rip you up inside?

Re: are we a human virus?
Posted by Repeated Mistake on Wed Jan 23 01:29:00 2002 (#13560)

Absolutely agree.

Re: are we a human virus?
Posted by crystal on Wed Jan 23 01:33:17 2002 (#13561)

so the question is... why don't we destroy ourselves to save whats left of this earth. or hey! why do the !@#$@ destroying it get to lead the destiny of humanity. don't you ever wish you had a say in this freakin mess.

xoxoxxo

crstl

Re: are we a human virus?Relighous
Posted by Linda on Wed Jan 23 18:21:59 2002 (#13573)

Crystal, I just had to answer this. I am a Christian and we base all our beliefs on the Bible, which we believe to be the very words of God, given by inspiration. I didn't know if you had heard the Bible's views on what you were discussing so I thought I would give that to you so that you can consider it. The Bible teaches that the world was created by a omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, and never changing God Who is holy and righteous in all that He does. He spoke this world into existence and all nature is His creation. Man was created in the image of God and for His fellowship. He gave us a free will and put the first man and woman into a perfect environment. He fellowshipped with them daily but gave them only one negative command; that was not to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. You see, he wanted their love to be true. True love must be tested. God had before this time created the angelic realm and had also given them a free will. The most beautiful and highest ranking angel, Lucifer, who was in charge of the holiness of God, rebelled and led 1/3 of the angels in rebellion against God. It was this Lucifer who became Satan and came into the garden where the first man and woman were, using the body of the serpent, he tempted Eve to disobey God. Eve was naive and fell for the temptation, taking the temptation to Adam, who knew better but made a conscious decision to disobey God, thus plunging all humanity into sin. We are all sinners because we have the same Adamic nature that sinned the first time. BUT God in His love and mercy provided for our sins to be covered by sending His son, Jesus, born of a virgin, so that his blood would not be tainted by the sinners blood that we have, and all God yet all man. Jesus chose to take a body like ours so that He could live on this earth, suffer temptations as we do and finally offer his body as a sacrifice to pay for all sin. He did that and then arose from the grave on the third day to prove that He was deity as He had explained. He offers a cure for all our sin to anyone who wants to accept His substitutional sacrifice. We can stand before God, the Father, completely clean because of accepting Jesus to take our place. And what is so exciting....it is an eternal gift. It does not change our sinful bodies but it gives us the Holy Spirit to help us live in this world and the promise of a new body in eternity. There is the good news and hope that Christians hold on to. Thanks for letting me expound! :)

Re: virus/religion/Linda
Posted by crystal on Wed Jan 23 20:48:06 2002 (#13578)

thanks for taking the time to write. i've was raised a christian and have read the bible all my life. i find answers in the bible and my own walk with God but not in christianity. i find organized religion takes me further from God than it does help me. lately i have been reading the nag hammadi. it is some ancient words of jesus they found along with the dead sea scrolls. it is an amazing book. i've also been reading the bible lately for its graphic metaphor and symbology. and using it for my artwork. there is so much in the bible and the nag hammadi (also in works of buddhism and hinduism) that deal with great pain, sacrafice, and inner torment. it seems there are a lot of lessons and answers there for those of us who cut ourselves and want to find the deeper root of our problems. i have been going through a lot of spiritual upheaval the last 4 months. i feel god is trying to tell me something, teach me something. i have been venturing into the darkest depths of myself lately. drinking, drugs, self destruction....to an extreme. and i am learning something. i see so much pain all around me. i am trying to understand pain so that i can get rid of it. in myself and others. i feel like for some reason god has put me in this place for a reason. there is a lesson in all of this. i am torn between so many things in my soul right now. walking that edge of light and dark. i am so close to the edge but i know that i will never learn what i need to if i have fear of myself. it is about keeping your heart open. anyway, thank you so much. it means a lot you would take the time and care.

xoxoxox,

crystal

revelation
Posted by cindy on Wed Jan 23 21:07:31 2002 (#13581)

I too find the meaning in the bible from a more sylmbolic and less literal stance crystal(well I think that's what you were saying! sorry if I've misinterpreted you!). from what I can see (and this is not meant to be patronising, promise) linda's understanding of the bible is that taken by most conservative evangelicals and roman catholics-it is of 'propositional' revelation in that the bible is a divine record of religious truths and it IS the word of God and as such should be understood literally. I on the other hand come from a 'non-propositional' stance in that I believe the bible is the Human attempt at understanding revelationary truths and a record of human faith. this allows me to comes to terms better with the problem of evil within the universe. hmm this could get complicated so I think I'll finish while I'm ahead...although I could explain if anyone is at all interested! take care ...cindy xox

Re: revelation
Posted by Linda on Wed Jan 23 21:36:20 2002 (#13582)

Oh Cindy, DO finish your thoughts for me. You are welcome to write me personally if you feel that it would take up too much time and space on the board. I would love to hear from you. Thanks.

Re: revelation
Posted by crystal on Thu Jan 24 00:46:30 2002 (#13594)

i agree. there are so many amazing metaphors in the bible (and in all religious texts) for explaining and examining our lives. i do think there is something else out there. i don't know what. but there is a feeling of something what connects us all and gives deeper meaning to life. however, lately i am questioning so many of these things. god is in a way dieing for me. but something else is taking its place. i am deep in spiritual thought the last 4 months. frightening but exciting. i am trying to find what is behind that "revelationary truth and human faith". why are humans constantly looking for the infinite in a finite world? what is behind that? what is our inner torment and how do we resolve it? if there is some sort of higher power it seems to me it would want us examining in the extreme the intricasies of the world around us and our souls. any more thoughts?...i know this could go on forever...but it is so interesting...

Re: virus/religion/Linda
Posted by Linda on Wed Jan 23 21:52:28 2002 (#13583)

It was my pleasure to take the time(my husband probably wishes I had cleaned the house but it will be here when I get through) :) May I please address a couple of things you said as long as you understand that I am not trying to stir a quarrel or anything like that. I can tell that you are a very deeply thoughtful person and I would like to give you a few more things to think about. The first thing that came to mind was your reference to Christianity as "organized religion". When I mention being a Christian I mean it in the sense of being Christlike. Anotherwords, we follow Christ's teachings. It will be "the church" that Jesus becomes the bridegroom for in ages to come. When I say "the church", I mean the group of born-again believers that will be raptured out of this world before the great tribulation begins when the anti-Christ and the prophet will set up a one world religion and society. Of course, anything that makes progress must be organized. I am personally Baptist in denomination. I believe our church to be the closest to Christ's teachings but because of our humanity, not perfect. I believe that there will be believers raptured from all denominations that believe that Jesus is God in the flesh and have accepted His sacrifice for their sins. I know that there is much to be learned in pain and suffering and I applaud your desire to know truth no matter how deep into it you get. When you think on Jesus just remember that He said...."I came to give life and give it more abundantly".....so my thought it that it may be some other power that would desire your death. I believe this is one of the biggest hurts I have, that so many people are unaware (even Christians) of the power available through Jesus. Satan is so strong in this world today and many do not recognize his tactics. Please be careful. Love and Prayers!

Re: virus/religion/Linda
Posted by crystal on Thu Jan 24 00:57:17 2002 (#13595)

i LOVE that you discuss god with me so indepth. its hard to find people to talk to about it even though it is so important. don't think i'll ever be offended by anything you say. i love discussing god with people. especially if they don't agree. it gives me new things to think about and concider. i am especially intrigued by the idea of the rapture. seems like an interesting concept.i also wonder whether my journey in pain is caused by good or evil. it is hard to tell sometimes when you are walking such a fine line. i just try to keep my heart open and really listen. the reason i think maybe god teaches through pain is because of the pain jesus went through. we are supposed to live like him. and perhaps we are supposed to go through pain like him..."carry your own cross" in a way. perhaps nailing ourselves to that pain is the only way to understand it, and life, and to eventually reach our salvation. the kicker is to not get stuck in pain and make a habit out of it. its tough to manuver around truth and lies. thanks again for the time and thoughts.

xoxox,

crstl

Re: virus/religion/Linda
Posted by Linda on Thu Jan 24 04:35:10 2002 (#13605)

Yes, the rapture is a very exciting concept. I believe that it could happen at any moment. I also believe that the world will dismiss it as having to do with aliens or something along those lines since we are so into the paranormal these days. But the Bible teaches a literal return of Jesus in the clouds just as He left when the dead "in Christ" shall raise first and then we which are alive shall be raised to meet Him in the air and so shall we ever be with the Lord." I believe that it will be at that time that we receive our new bodies....a glorified body like Jesus had after resurrection. I am looking forward to that day. I believe the Bible to teach that pain is a result of sin. When sin entered into this world it set everything in a downward spiral. Our bodies are in pain because we are constantly dying. I am a little closer to death today than I was yesterday. Nothing is getting better. Sin is causing deterioration. I don't believe that pain can be avoided in this world BUT we are not suffering pain in order to achieve a better state but rather because of the sinful state we are in. Nothing will change this state of sinfulness and that is why we must have a substitute. By the way, I was wondering if you have anything to build your thoughts upon. You see, the Bible is a firm foundation. If you understand that it is true and all other is false then you can be stabilized in your thoughts. Without a foundation any building would crumble and so will our deep and reflective thoughts. We must have something to anchor to. I choose to anchor to a firm foundation of God's word. Christianity is based upon faith. The Bible says that without faith it is impossible to please God. I love doing this also. Thanks for letting me.

foundation
Posted by crystal on Fri Jan 25 05:18:11 2002 (#13625)

my foundation is the feeling of light and love i have in my soul that i believe is god's hand touching mine. it is the feeling i get from my art. the feeling i get from the sun on my face or from someone's smile. when i was alone in my bed in the dark when i was 12 years old listening to my mother cry as my father beat my little brother - god was the light in my soul that touched and told me that it would be ok. that feeling is all i've ever had to cling to. so i listen to it. i find its words in the bible, in the koran, in hindu mythology, in nietchze, in a million places i find it. but my foundation is that feeling of light and goodness i can only explain as being god.

life sucks
Posted by black tears a.k.a fallen angel on Wed Jan 23 05:11:52 2002 (#13566)

i feel torn down

i can't sleep, i don't eat, i can't consentrate on my school, but i know if i don't finsh this damn GED test that i will will be stuck in this hell hole of a home. Sometimes they try to hard and other times they don't give a Fu*$. i don't know how to act around them, one min she tells me she's gonna call the doc if i don't give her a reason why i'm not eating then the next she's not talking to me. i have to finish school, or i will........ i don't know what i'll do. sometimes i'm too afraid to quit b/c i know i would end it, b/c if i can't do this if i can't even finish school Randy will think of me as an even bigger failer than he does now. i need to go, i need to get the hell outta here ... but i have no place to go no firends that will take me in, i have no job and no money,and if i do try and leave he will take my car. DAMN IT I HATE BEING A TEENAGER!!! i hate being me, i hate this feeling, i hate my life..... ok hopefully this was just a venting party on my part i feel alittle better i got that out but it doesn't change the circumstances. it doesn't change the way i feel or how i'm gonna do at school tomorrow. but thanx for being here thanx for listening.

Re: life sucks
Posted by crystal on Wed Jan 23 06:36:11 2002 (#13569)

feeling stuck is one of the worst feelings ever. it makes everything else thats wrong feel so much worse. but it always helps me to just vent and have someone listen. hope things are better soon. i haven't slept in three days and i'm beginning to feel it. ever get so tired you can't think but you can't sleep either. i guess its another form of self destruction. it sucks. if its not one thing its another. just stopping cutting doesn't work. you have to get to the root of the problem. whatever that is. anyway. hope things are better soon.

xoxox,

crstl

Re: life sucks
Posted by human disease on Wed Jan 23 19:57:50 2002 (#13575)

life is pain sweety. trust me, i know how you feel. only with me it's got to the point i actually like the pain now... don't let the world kill you. take all they throw at you, reform it, and crush them... it's the only way i know

hmmm...
Posted by Strange*~ on Wed Jan 23 06:20:04 2002 (#13568)

i should of found this site during the day cuz now i can't stop reading about it, and most of its true...

sweet sizzle
Posted by crystal on Wed Jan 23 06:56:31 2002 (#13571)

can't seem to get any of these words out. stuck somewhere under 60 ounces of beer and too many cigarrettes. kisses stolen at 4:10 in the morning. savage rush of concluding cigarette burned palms. sweet sizzle, small charred circle and for 2.5 seconds everything makes sense. 'fore i rush back into this purple haze of raining sexual suppression. and baby, i'd like to take your head in my arms and tell you everythings gonna be ok but i've lost my sense of time and place and i'm just running on empty compromises. sterilized i love yous drownin' out the truth humming in the back. 'round i step to catch the last remnants of self respect i threw down for you to keep your feet from getting wet. and i'd just like to run away but i got nowhere to go accept the cold of some other life than the one i'm leading and all this chicken scratch is one line away from concluding my worst nightmares. my fears of casual degradation. my dilapidated personality is hurtin' for some upkeep but i'm too distracted.

Re: sweet sizzle
Posted by jes on Wed Jan 23 15:27:29 2002 (#13572)

i really wish i had even half of the power that you have with words.

thank you jes
Posted by crystal on Wed Jan 23 20:00:20 2002 (#13576)

thank you so much for reading and for appreciating. it means a lot to get feed back - good or bad. thank you!!!!!

xoxoxox,

crstl

Re: sweet sizzle
Posted by cindy on Wed Jan 23 20:57:00 2002 (#13579)

"i'm just running on empty compromises" crystal I think that is a trully beautiful line-just like the rest but that line particularly stuck in my head. it reminded me of a bit in the film A Bout de Souffle (breathless) when the main character is asked

sorry I hadn't finished!
Posted by cindy on Wed Jan 23 20:59:38 2002 (#13580)

whether he would if forced chose grief or nothing to which he replies "I'd choose nothingness...grief is a compromise. you've got to have it all or nothing" okay now the point! for your poem to incite such a memory/response only proves to me it was good to well done! keept it up! take care...cindy xox

thanks cindy
Posted by crystal on Thu Jan 24 00:39:32 2002 (#13593)

thanks so much cindy! it makes me so happy that people can read some words i write and get something from it. if you have any suggestions for improving anything let me know. i really appreciate critisism. thank you. thank you!

xoxoxo,

crstl

Re: sweet sizzle
Posted by KAT on Wed Jan 23 23:38:47 2002 (#13588)

I liked it..I mean I can relate to those feelings. love KAT

thanks kat
Posted by crystal on Thu Jan 24 00:36:49 2002 (#13592)

thanks so much kat. i'm really trying to reach a point with writing where i can identify with people- especially about pain- so they don't feel so alone. but i have a long way to go so any comment is helpful. good or bad. i really appreciate critisism. thanks so much!

xoxoxo,

crystal

Re: sweet sizzle
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Jan 24 03:19:12 2002 (#13600)

Hi Crystal, Your words are very powerful. I bet you can write some really interesting stories. Keep up the good work. Take care. Love, Rhonda

none
Posted by Human Disease on Wed Jan 23 19:51:35 2002 (#13574)

fuck cutting my skin, every second i breath is pain

breath
Posted by crystal on Wed Jan 23 20:05:15 2002 (#13577)

i'm so sorry you are hurting so much. sometimes every breath feels like a thousand brands underneath my ribcage. maybe it has something to do with our heart being under there and it is already so heavy with pain it can't take the pressure of our lungs. i hope you feel better soon.there are always good days.

xoxoxox,

crstl

Re: none
Posted by KAT on Wed Jan 23 23:42:28 2002 (#13589)

pain feels so good when we hurt so bad inside. I hope your okay and dont get to carried away with the cuts..take care of yourself! love and HUGS! *HUGS*- KAT

Re: none
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Jan 24 03:20:40 2002 (#13601)

Take care of yourself and I hope things get better for you real soon. Love, Rhonda

thank you all
Posted by human disease on Thu Jan 24 20:20:20 2002 (#13617)

thank you for all comments given yet:

to crystal, the problem lies not in the heart yet in the mind.

to KAT, no worries in cutting... i don't do that... i find other ways... maybe not better but different

and to Tara's Mom, just like a mother to care but i have lived with "it" since age 6... i am 18... i no longer yearn for better only human.

blessed be, o.k.k.y

i sex, drugs, and alcohol right for me? help
Posted by scared out of my mind on Wed Jan 23 22:43:51 2002 (#13584)

ok i am 14 going to be 15 in like 3 months i have just drank a beer like and hour ago and my friends want me to try some drugs. this guy i like wants me to go out w/ him but if i do i have to give but my preciouse V tatooed on my forehead. i have never kissed or done anything sexual before and he is tryin to make me believe he won't hurt me and i am scared or everything but now i am fallin in love w/ his best friend who likes me twin... help!!!! please i need some advise!!!!!

Re: slow down there
Posted by KAT on Wed Jan 23 23:45:57 2002 (#13590)

hey hun!! your so young, your so pure still...take care of yourself and be a kid!! dont get involved in something that you KNOW in your heart is bad for you and will hurt you down the road. Love is some strong stuff..make your your love is right , will you die for this person, will you sacrafice everything you own to be with this person, does this person mean your soul your goals, your dreams. That what I think love is about, and so far in my life no ones come along, besides my family that I absolutely love with all my heart. I care for alot of people but love is a strong feeling. Not that love is a bad thing! just be careful, all boys want to do is get in your pants and if your not ready well then dont rush yoursellf into something you wont be able to handle. Sex, believe it or not is a big step..and sometimes, often, a hurtful one, hurtful emotions come out of it, sometimes. take care and be safe and do what you know is right love KAT

Re: slow down there
Posted by crystal on Thu Jan 24 01:03:33 2002 (#13596)

wow. kat knows what she's talking about. that is damn good advice.

xoxoxox,

crystal

you deserve better
Posted by crystal on Thu Jan 24 01:08:52 2002 (#13597)

hey babe, anytime some guy wants you to have sex with him and there are drugs and beer don't do it. ESPECIALLY that first time. they are NOT special enough. and if he has to CONVINCE you that he won't hurt you. than its probably not the right thing. oh god babe. i wish i could be there. i know these situations from experience and often not taken my own advice and it led to me feeling really bad and being hurt. so please be careful. you are precious and your love is a gift so don't give it to someone unless they REALLY deserve it. and PROVE that they deserve it.

all my love,

crystal

Re: i sex, drugs, and alcohol right for me? help
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Jan 24 03:24:32 2002 (#13602)

Oh gosh, you are so young. Please,if you don't feel comfortable with any of this, DON'T DO IT!!!!! And if your friends want you to do some drugs, I don't think they could really be considered friends. Don't feel pressured to do any of these things. If you want to talk, email me, okay? Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: i sex, drugs, and alcohol right for me? help
Posted by star on Fri Jan 25 14:07:56 2002 (#13633)

Hi babe,well in all honesty i think you answered your own question, i think you showed that you dont want to and therfore you shouldnt, virginity is precious (in my opinion) im 18 in july and still a virgin and you would not believe some of the shit i have got for that! but i think you gotta wait tillyour ready, most guys ive met only wanta get into a grrls pants at that kinda age (no nastiness there, hope havent offened any one with that but in my experience thats what ive seen)and they probablywouldnt even know what todo with it ;) sorry justadding a bit ofhumour. Take careof yourself mailme whenever if you want. Takecare God bless Amz xx (star)

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