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Threads 3251 to 3300

drew
Posted by lys on Tue Dec 18 01:58:35 2001 (#12936)

just a question: do your parents know about your cutting???

Re: drew
Posted by Drew on Tue Dec 18 18:06:00 2001 (#12942)

....... you know...... I don't really care. I know my dad doesn't have a clue, but considering that I NEVER try to cover up in the slightest way I'm pretty sure my mom is .... well suspicious at least. she just goes back into her little mental cave though, and pretends everything is alright.

it's my brother that's the pain in the ass.

thanks for asking though, it really means allot to me to know that you at least remember my name :)

p.s. if you're still looking for that person that you can talk to that actually cares and won't have you committed, you have my number.

me :)

Whoa, whoa, whoa ...
Posted by Lindsey on Tue Dec 18 20:51:41 2001 (#12943)

Whoa, whoa, whoa ... there are ACTUALLY people out there who won't have us committed?! Well holy shit!

*laughs*

drew
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Wed Dec 19 15:41:33 2001 (#12965)

drew, my mom is the same way...she has seen my cuts like tons of times because i forgot to cover them or whatever, she just asks me and i say its nothing...and all she says is okay and acts "normal" my dad has no idea unless my mom has sais something to him...i told my brother by accident when i was drunk and he just shook his head, and he has never brought it up again...oh well

Email me
Posted by Lindsey on Tue Dec 18 20:57:57 2001 (#12944)

Boo-knows I love getting email, and when it comes from someone on this board it means even more, but I have upped the security on my email address so I don't get crap mail. Now the only emails I get are from people who's email address is in my address book. If any of you are or will be emailing me, PLEASE let me know on the board or from an MSN or ICQ (# 118091333) message so that I can add your address to my book so I actually get your email. I would HATE to miss and email from one of you.

That's all.

Chow

Re: Email me
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Dec 19 02:46:33 2001 (#12950)

Add me to your list Lindsey, I love sending email. Talk to ya soon. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: Email me
Posted by Lindsey on Wed Dec 19 05:25:11 2001 (#12954)

You're in there. *smiles* Now I'm expecting email! *hint, hint*

thanks everyone
Posted by Alisha on Tue Dec 18 21:22:43 2001 (#12945)

thank you Crimson Tears, Lindsey, Nuni & Dawn for your replies and nice welcome.

its the first time i have posted here b4, i have been reading thru some of the posts and the pages on the site and have found it really useful.

i will tell you about me as you all seem to know each other fairly well.

My name is Alisha (no attic jokes ta!) im 15 an from the UK.... i have been c*ttin my arms and legs for about a a year an half. i have never had any help for this an not many people know about it either.

In answer to your question Nuni... i think i kind of knew that i was a s/hmer b4 i posted but i geuss i didnt want to belive myself... im kinda gutted that i have failed myself in this way ... but hey ho i think everyone does it in some way or another! i was very shocked to see the pictures on here and then was trying to kid myself that coz imy c*ts were not as bad as them then maybe im not really a self harmer.

anyways i will finish here... hope to speak to you all soon.

Alisha

Re: thanks everyone
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Dec 19 02:45:06 2001 (#12949)

Hi Alisha, I'm Rhonda, one of the non-cutters on the board.Is there anyone you could trust to help you in your area? Have you thought about telling your parents? I only ask cause they might be able to help, if they are willing. Some parents don't understand so they critize and judge their children. That's not me. My daughter starting cutting when she was 14 after she was raped. She is now 18 and on her own. From the first, her father and I have supported her and made sure she got the help she needed. Some kids aren't so lucky. My heart breaks for them. It has been over 6 months now since she cut and she has almost stopped taking her meds. Of course, she had an awesome therapist. He has helped her take control over her problems and given her things to help her deal with them when they crop up. Tara still has her bad days, but is able to deal with them. If you ever want to talk, just email me. I'll get back to you. Take care of yourself and welcome to the board. LOve, Rhonda

for crying out loud!
Posted by *me* on Tue Dec 18 22:12:49 2001 (#12946)

I'm (yet again) blocked from the new board. SoOoOooO if I can't get on it for a while that's why. PC seem to randomly block things for a few days. Newayz...would someone mind telling me if anyone replied to my post there? Thanks.

Lots of love, take care and stay safe!

Re: for crying out loud!
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Wed Dec 19 16:28:22 2001 (#12968)

Nuni, Star and I responded to your post…

this is what I posted

i hate that too...most of my friends have noo idea what i, or any of us go through...i hate when they want to kill themselves because oh no a gut doesnt like them...gosh it pisses me off...and the other thing that bugs me is these fucking 'trend cutters', gosh...okay lets scratch ourselves a little bit then make sure everyone sees them and pays attention to me, it drives me insane...i dont want people to think that i just do this all...just because...grr...humph...sorry bout that...

nuni’s post

Hi... I think we have all had friends that dont have a clue what we (here) are going through. maybe because we dont tell them. Aside from your friend telling you how she feels, complaining, etc.. tells me that she is comfortable enough to tell you things bother her too. Her not knowing about your problems (i dont know is she does) makes her believe you have it pretty easy and so she shares with you. Dont we wish we all had someone to tell when we felt that "Yeah LIFE sucks (right now, or today). Im glad you know you can come here and vent this about your friend here. Your best friend loves you, she tells you how she feels.. have you told her how you are doing? I think I would.. I wasnt saying all those things to be mean. I really ought to take my own advice.. Huge HUGS!!! Nuni

stars post

Hi well i guess i would be one of thoses kinda friends, sometimes i dont mean to be but i dont cut althought i read what you all write and try and imagine it althought thats very difficult and no im not clinically depressed but yeah i get depression periods like eveyone i guess, its more difficult than you would think being the friend of someone who SI's especially if you dont know as many times in my case i would guess or see or something and not say anything in the hope it would sort out because my helplessness and unability to make it right as all best friends *should* scared me to tears, i know it might seem hard from your side but the only way your friend will know is if you tell her how you feel. Love and prayers Amz xxxx It cant rain all the time

i hope the blocking thing stops soon!

Re: for crying out loud!
Posted by *me* on Thu Dec 20 19:44:31 2001 (#12990)

Thank you SOO much Kim...I seem to be able to access the board today...who knows what's going on w/ the blocking! lol. I'm gonna ply to everyone there...thank you so much tho! It's appreciated!

Re: for crying out loud!
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Fri Dec 21 01:20:23 2001 (#12997)

hey no problem, if you ever need to know about a post or something just email me and ask, and i'll try to get back to you.

thanks, kim! (nt)
Posted by *me* on Fri Dec 21 19:14:52 2001 (#13007)

(nt)

how do you tell?
Posted by mara B on Wed Dec 19 00:32:05 2001 (#12948)

hi, I'm new to the boards, but here's something I'm wondering about:

how do you tell someone that you cut?

many of my friends know about it, but I have a new boyfriend, and don't particularly want to just go "I hurt myself, but you don't have to do anything about it." I want him to know, but I don't want him to feel pressured. any suggestions?

hugs and jazz

-mara B

Re: how do you tell?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Dec 19 02:51:50 2001 (#12951)

That depends on how serious you are with him. You might wait and see where you are going with him. But if he asks you first, just tell him. Make sure he knows it isn't anything about him. Let him make his own decisions about it. If he likes you, he'll try and understand. You might try giving him some information about SI and see how he reacts. Sorry if this doesn't help much. Being out of the dating scene for such a long time(I've been married a little over 20 years), I'm probably out of date. Maybe it would be best to just say, use your own judgement. If you want to talk, just email me. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: how do you tell?
Posted by mego on Wed Dec 19 05:42:12 2001 (#12956)

i dont know how to tell, i've only been caught, never really came out and told anyone what i was doing. just know that he will treat it like a big deal and might get mad

Re: how do you tell?
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Wed Dec 19 15:50:14 2001 (#12966)

well...i find it a lot easier to just let the person find out, and when he asks just try and explan why you do it and everything. he might freak out and everything...but cutting it apart of you...he will understand with time.if you want to tell him just wait until the time is right, when you know you can trust him, i dont know if this is going to help at all, but i tried...you might want to give him this site after he finds out, maybe he will understand more.

wow
Posted by Katelyn on Wed Dec 19 04:14:44 2001 (#12952)

wow.... hi im 14 ive been cutting for about 2 years now, and have looked for a board to talk about it with other people for a while.... i just wanted to say hi and that ill prolly be here a while...... well thats about it. this was a dumb post but o well....

Re: wow
Posted by mego on Wed Dec 19 05:14:07 2001 (#12953)

hey, i'm fifteen. my names megan. i've been goin on this board for a couple months, sometimes it helps, sometimes nothing helps but i'm sure you know what thats like. i've been hurting myself over things since i was probably eleven, actually cutting regularly since i was thirteen, so about two years. just wanted to say whats up and you should stay on this board for a while, there are a lot of awesome people here.

Re: wow
Posted by Maggie on Wed Dec 19 07:17:33 2001 (#12957)

Hi Katelyn.

I've been posting here for over a year now and it's a great place to come for support. I'm 20, was a regular cutter for over a year, but am pretty much on the road to recovery as I haven't cut for a few months.

Just a note to say that many of the other people who post at Psyke have moved to the updated site. It can be found at www.psyke.org/ and you should check that out because I think this one will be shut down soon.

Hope you hang around. From Maggie.

Re: wow
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Wed Dec 19 15:54:30 2001 (#12967)

hey, im kimberly, im 15...welcome to the board!!! i think your going to find it very helpful! it has helped me alot...email me if you ever want to talk

Re: wow
Posted by Erin on Wed Dec 19 21:06:46 2001 (#12970)

hey. I'm 15 and I'm a cutter...I've been cutting for about 10 months now I think. anyway, you can email me if you want or anything. see ya

Re: wow
Posted by Katelyn on Thu Dec 20 03:41:04 2001 (#12979)

you guys r all cool......... thx for the support offers when i need um ... :) same here if any of you need to talk... well gonna go check the rest of the board now. bye -katelyn

Re: wow
Posted by Dawn on Thu Dec 20 06:42:35 2001 (#12981)

Welcome, My name is Dawn, I'm 49 and have been actively self-harming since 1987. when I drove over a 6" ice covered road at nearly 80 miles an hours hoping the car would not that the next curve. I embarked on a journey of some form of self harm that would stiffle suicidal thoughts after a suicide attempt.

I've lived a varied life and has lots of stories that relate to problems facing most of the people on the board. If you want to talk email me./// love and hugs Dawn

Re: wow
Posted by Robyn on Sun Dec 23 17:13:52 2001 (#13029)

Yeah this board can help alot.... i'm Robyn and i've been cuttin for about 3 years now i'm 15. And alot of the people i've met have been able to help me thru. Feel free to Email me ozzyboy102@aol.com ne time or IM me ok well i'll be goin now bye and take care remember we all love you here and ur welcum to talk to ne one here ne time.... Muwah

robyn

bad day
Posted by mego on Wed Dec 19 05:36:38 2001 (#12955)

today was okay until one of my friends decided it would be fun to play wife beater with me. he told me that if he didnt get my cigarettes that i could hit him in the face. he came over and i asked if he had them. he said no so i punched him in the face, like he said i could. he lied, he really had them so i went with him to smoke and after our cigs he slammed me into a mailbox. i hit my head and he was freaking out. he told me he was sorry, and us and our friends were kinda laughing about it cause it was dumb. well, i told him to stop and he kept doing it. he drug me inside and locked me in the bathroom, banged my head on the ground and on the side of the toilet. i have a huge bump and a major headache from that. he was just playing, hes rough like that but still. i cant keep gettin hit in the head, its happened too much lately. i lost, like, 25 pounds over the summer. my mom asked me if i've been gaining wait again, and, of course, i gained 3 pounds so i broke down and started crying my eyes out right there. she just told me to stop being a baby and not to eat much for the next few days. so thats what i plan on doing, maybe a yougurt and water everyday for the next couple weeks, i dont know. someone please tell me if any of you have good diet plans? i've been taking this diet medicine for about a year, it works but i take more than i should and it makes me really shaky. shit, i dont know what to do about that right now. my head hurts so bad, i want to scream everytime something touches it. shit.

Re: bad day
Posted by Emma on Wed Dec 19 11:53:47 2001 (#12959)

hi baby, how are you?

I'm sorry you had a bad day, i really hope things are getting better. I dont know what to say about the game hunney, it sounds like it started as fun but then got out of hand, i've found that things can sometimes turn out like that. Please be careful hunney, try and lie down for a bit it might feel a bit better?

Also be careful about the dieting thing hunney, i've recently lost about a stone and a half (i think thats about 21 pounds i'm not sure) and i seem to be getting the other reaction, My Mum's constantly on about it and how i should eat more and i dont need to lose any weight, i didnt plan to lose any in the first place tho!lol. I just tend to eat when i'm hungry. I'm not beong nasty at all but i dont think your mum's reaction is heling anything babe, is she really into weight loss?? A yogurt and water wont help baby, you'll just feel more hungry and you wont be getting minerals and vitamins that you need hun. Try more fresh vegatables and Fruit and less fatty foods? its only a suggestion hunney.

If you ever need to talk, email me or post back. Love and Hugs Emm xxxxxxx

Re: bad day
Posted by Lindsey on Wed Dec 19 13:37:09 2001 (#12961)

I don't know, but it sounds like your friend took that a little to far. Try talking to him about not being so rough with you.

As for dieting, don't just eat a yogurt; eat other foods as well. If you're worried about calories, http://www.ntwrks.com/~mikev/c hart1a.htm gives a calorie and fat gram chart. Use that to help plan out healthy meals. And try very, very hard not to get obsessed with dieting; it will take over your life.

what would you do? (long rant sorry.....)
Posted by Emma on Wed Dec 19 11:56:43 2001 (#12960)

Hey,its Emm here,sorry for this long deppressing post, i hope someone has some ideas on how to sort this out??? Ideas would be grealty appreciated.

I've been SIing for quite a while now, and i stopped for a few months, now things seem to be getting worse to be honest. I started going out with a great guy about 7 weeks ago and weve got pretty close, closer than i've ever been to someone.

He used to go out with a girl who lives in America (were in the UK) and i can understand he must still have feelings for her, i mean it was only a few months ago that they split. Last night i was tidying up in his room (lol, hes such a bloke,i got bored of the mess ) and he was in the shower so i was tidying, and i found loads of stuff from when he went to stay with her. When he came back in he was really grateful that i'd tidyed up but was trying to annoy me by saying he needed to keep all this stuff that was useless really, it was all stuff from America.

I know it sounds stupid but i was so pissed off, i know he still has feelings for her and i cant help being jelous of her.

So when he left the room i found an old scapel blade in his drawer and cut her name in the top of my arm and cut my chest as well. I dunno why really, it seemed sensible at the time. But last night my sister saw it on my chest and asked what happened.

He saw it as well and he even asked if i'd been messing around with that blade, i couldnt believe it, i just laughed i mean i cant admit i'm still cutting. He had to stop his sister when she almost killed herself from cutting last year...

I'm sorry everyone, this has gone on.... If anyone has any ideas about what to do, i dont think i could tell him, but my sister is saying shes gonna tell my Mum again cos i need help....

emm :( xx

Re: what would you do? (long rant sorry.....)
Posted by jo on Wed Dec 19 13:39:09 2001 (#12962)

hunney, i don't know what to say. but he's with you now, if he's keeping that stuff then i doubt that it's because he still has feelings for her. it's probably because when he went to america, he had a good time, maybe it's not that he's keeping the stuff because of her, but because of the memories of a good holiday? i don't know what to say about amy, maybe i'll say something to her, because you may very well need help but if you don't want to get it right now, then making a big fuss about it isn't what you need. you do it when you're ready and not before, i know she's only worried about you, as am i but i would have thought that what happened with me would have made her realise that it only makes things worse if you put pressure on some one. i love you, phone me whenever you need to un. xxx

Re: what would you do? (long rant sorry.....)
Posted by Emma on Wed Dec 19 15:03:31 2001 (#12963)

Thanx hunney, thats really sweet i knew i could count on you to understand. I know, its probably what you said hunney, he probably just has good memories, but i just couldnt bring myself to ask him,its weird like i wouldnt like the answer. Baby...she looked so hott!!she really did, all gothy and cute, i cant help thinking he would rather i was her.. I'm sorry. its true what you said about Amz, she didnt scream like she usually does, but she wasnt happy. I couldnt help it, i cant believe he asked about the scapel!! weird?huh!!?? i love you i'm sorry emm xxxx

Re: what would you do? (long rant sorry.....)
Posted by star on Thu Dec 20 00:01:52 2001 (#12975)

i didnt *scream* like i usually do, thanks shit sat here crying like a baby. i didnt freak out did i?? if i did then im sorry i just care thats all this is so fucking hard, u lie to me and i wanna cry or scream or something as you promised you didnt SI when i asked you said it wasnt a prob, y cant you tell me the truth and to think you both think this shit about me and i dont know what ive done FUCK im sorry im such a bitch im sat here cryin what the fuck does that help why is this all so fucked why> i cant understand what i dont feel i cant understand what you say aint real, cant even talk in person to you both but see the hatred on the page see you so filled with rage, im so sorry. i love you i give the fuck up with all this shit, im sorry i wont interfere i wont notice again. i love you im goin to bed i need to sleep perchance to dream not a dream that wakes me from my sleep pray the lord my soul to keep, im sounding crazy maybe i am maybe it isnt either of you that need help its me?? lol could be?. amz xxxx

What to do
Posted by Jamie on Wed Dec 19 20:17:15 2001 (#12969)

i have a couple of friedns who blame me for their self injuries because i cut and theat made them do it. What should i do?

Re: What to do
Posted by jes on Thu Dec 20 15:14:11 2001 (#12984)

at the risk of sounding like a class A bitch.....if the only reason they do it is because of you then they are pretty pathetic. They should be concentrating on getting a mind of their own and not blaming you for them being too dumb to realise it a real problem that people do because of some shit or another and not just because some one else does it. xx

star...
Posted by Alana on Wed Dec 19 21:18:12 2001 (#12971)

I didn't write that post a couple days ago. Some shit disturber has fun fucking things up on the board for me. It's been going on for awhile now, so I'm not shocked. Never in a million years would I be rude to you in anyway, I've never spoken to you. THIS IS TO ALL OF YOU: if you see something written by me and seems to be a little bitchy, its not me, cuz I honestly couldn't be bothered to bitch here anymore, its not worth it.

Sorry that someone has decided to criticize your work and pretend to be me. Thats just gay.

LOve, Alana

Re: star...to alana im so sorry :(
Posted by star on Thu Dec 20 00:04:24 2001 (#12976)

Hi, im sorry i didnt realise someone was using your name and whoever is doing this is so FUCKED UP people should realise what shit they can cause, and thanks for writing and explainin heres a sorry hug ((((ALANA)))) im sorry babe. Amz xxxx

this is what happened
Posted by diana on Wed Dec 19 21:40:36 2001 (#12972)

..i was in school today in law class and the teacher gets a phone call for me to go down to the councelors office.. i was like oh crap what did i do now. so i get down there n the lady sits me down, n is like, "ok diana, spill it. whats goin on behind that happy face mask?" omg so like the whole freakin staf of the high school knows now, and i don't know what to do, cuz they might call my parents, but the middleschool already did when i was in 7th n 8th grade. my nightmare keeps coming back...

Re: this is what happened
Posted by jen on Wed Dec 19 22:28:19 2001 (#12973)

i feel so bad

Fucked up
Posted by star on Thu Dec 20 00:13:31 2001 (#12977)

Ive just read two posts off my best friends and i realise what a BITCH i am, they act as though i have to be treated with caution and as though if its hidden its ok as i wont freak out, what sorta friend am i??? i cant believe this i thought i was a really great friend to them both and that i helped with stuff, emm always says she doesnt SI when i ask, why cant she trust me??? cause im a stupid bitch! thats why! i cant believe ive done this to my friends i wanna make myself feel the way they do see what they go through i never knew i was this bad i cant even contomplate how i must make them feel , like they cant approch me or anything, im meant to be a fucking friend!!!!!?? shit im such a evil bitch i cant even live with what i am. im sorry for this i cant understand why i never saw how bad i really am. *

Re: Fucked up
Posted by jes on Thu Dec 20 15:30:49 2001 (#12985)

amy, you're not an evil bitch and you are a friend. you also find it hard to understand and hard to accept and don't always know how to react or what to say. It's not that we treat you with caution etc it's just that (and i think emm gets this more than i do) sometimes you do over-react.You sometimes take it personally, like it's because of you and when someone is upset they don't need to have to be reassuring someone else all of the time, or you get an idea in your head and won't let go of it and sometimes it's just gets a bit too much. You have to be able to say what you think but then realise that what you want to happen isn't necessarily what we want to happen at the time and so be able to just be there and listen and give support when we're ready to talk or go to some one or whatever it is. Like i said before, at the moment i think this applies more to emm, and i know you're worried about her, so am i, but forcing her to do something she doesn't want to do or threatening to tell some one will only make it worse. please don't think i'm having a go at you, i'm not saying any of this to upset you but your sister needs you support, you don't need to understand something fully to be some help. you just need to be able to try and be patient. i love you, xxxx

Re: Fucked up
Posted by star on Fri Dec 21 17:03:49 2001 (#13005)

Hey, thanks for the reply that was sweet of u to take time on it and everything, i havent tried to force help on her i was just upset and said it in the spur of the moment as i did that she should talk to someone (which im sticking by as i think she needs help with it) i guess its harder than people think. love u amz x

Re: Fucked up
Posted by Emma on Sat Dec 22 15:07:34 2001 (#13022)

Thanx to both of you.Its really great that both of you care for me and wanna help. things are a bit messed up at the moment, im hoping there getting better.. i love you both love emm xxx

nothing
Posted by mego on Thu Dec 20 04:45:48 2001 (#12980)

i have a bunch of shit i need to study for, but i'm not going to study for any of it. winter break starts in 2 days anyway. i dont care what my grades are. i freaked out on some junior today cause he was being a retard and had to stop in the middle of the hall to talk to his friends. i had tons of people behind me, pushing me, and i couldnt move cause this idiot was just standing there. i had a shitty day and i'm sick of morons like him so i yelled at him "are you trying to piss people off? learn how to walk asshole. god, are you retarded?" i expected just to make an ass out of myself like i always do but he looked at me and moved, nobody said anything about it. i'm a freshman, hes a junior. he could yell back, he could just ignore me, so why did he move? am i that much of a bitch? i know if i was him, i would have yelled back some smart-ass comment, i wouldn't have moved out of the way. god, this is so stupid but its driving me crazy. got another note from nell sayin how much tim likes me. i hate it so much, i told her to stop telling me this, i dont want to deal with it right now. i need to cut, haven't done it in almost a week. i am so goddamn fat, why did i ever let myself think that i was actually looking good for a while? i am so stupid for letting myself believe that i am the same size as a lot of girls. i looked in the mirror today and started crying when i saw my reflection. god, no wonder guys are always hitting on my friends and never seem to talk to me. i used to wonder about it and its taken me long enough, but at least i figured it out. goddamn, what do people think of me? i know it shouldn't matter, it usually doesn't, but right now it matters more than anything in the world right now. all i want to hear is that people like me, think i'm fun, pretty, whatever. i would never be able to handle the real truth about what people think about me or what they say behind my back. god, it would hurt so bad. everything hurts right now. i'm talking to myself right now like a crazy person. i need to go.

I have a broken heart and no money for a tattoo
Posted by Dawn on Thu Dec 20 07:12:16 2001 (#12982)

Today the package I mailed to my son and his girlfriend came back "Refused". I don't have money to get a tattoo. I cannot cut myself because I have a post opp appointment the 3rd and surgery on my right thumb the 9th, my son's birthday, What if I die on the table? I know that is unlikely. It is only going to be a local..... I don't want a local, I wan't to be knocked out. ,,,, Its not that I'm a sissy. Its my back. I can't go 10 hours without ppain pills.

And what about my broken heart, Can I burn a whole in a heart and have it heal by the 9th

Where is my strength now? Where is the Rock I hold onto, the same one I held onto when my children chose to live with their father and I had to go bed for a place to stay and food from the step dad of the girl my husband was having an affair with. I can't believe I did it, tears flowing the whole time, but I would reveal my identy and he didn't acknowledge he knew me. We just did a business matter.

His buisness was providing emergency housing and meals for 3 days for who ever qualified. And I was penniless.

God steadied my feeble countenious then He will do it again. I don't have to draw a drop of blood or burn my flesh.

There is a song, "The God of the good times, is still God in the bad times." And its true. But it still hurts.

My son said no package came to him...maybe that' true. It is just so easy to believe he doesn't love me more than his dad. I beat him more, I was going to murder him...do I not deserve to cut up my body and rip out my heart... How can I expect things to be different..... but I planted my feet on the rock of truth and confessed I was the one wrong, no matter how unruley he was I WAS THE ADULT...I WAS SUPPOSE TO STAY IN CONTROLL, the fact that I was sick of mind is now excuse......why can't he forgive me. He tells me he loves me yet refuses my gift.

Father God, Throw out the life line. I'm sinking fast. Your word says when I am faithless you remain faithful because you cannot deny your own. And I am you own and no one can pluck me out of your hand. I know lay all the hurt down and rest in your hand.

Re: I have a broken heart and no money for a tatto
Posted by nyja lagif on Thu Dec 20 15:56:19 2001 (#12987)

I'm so sorry to hear that. I wish there were words I could say, or anybody could say that could help you get through this.

god bless you.

Re: I have a broken heart and no money for a tatto
Posted by Lindsey on Thu Dec 20 17:10:36 2001 (#12988)

*a warm hug*

PS - I don't have money for a new tattoo either!

Re: I have a broken heart and no money for a tatto
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Thu Dec 20 18:34:38 2001 (#12989)

dawn...i really do not know what to say, but i hope everything turns out perfect, and i will be praying for you. you have even me great advice so many times...thank you. stay strong Dawn, you are a wonderful person and i admire you greatly.

Re: I have a broken heart and no money for a tatto
Posted by STAR on Sat Dec 22 14:53:30 2001 (#13020)

dawn, you have to stay strong i dont know what else to say, maybe your son didnt get the mail as he said? you should ask, stay strong God bless Amz xxx

cigarette burn scar and names in my arm.
Posted by nyja lagif on Thu Dec 20 15:53:06 2001 (#12986)

I've been hurting myself for 5 years.

I think there should be rules to self injury, I really do, I've been doing it for so long. First of all, you can't let it get out of control, you can't do it too often and you have to eventually stop.

This is my opinion. Now on to my problem.

I'm such a wreck. I have "jonathan" and "william" and "useless" on my left arm, "love" on my stomach and various cigarette and cut marks on my arms and legs and everywhere else I could reach.

I take two sleeping pills a night just to get to sleep to go to work the next morning.

I was an alcoholic this summer before I got my job, I was living with a different person every week.

I was on celexa, for two weeks. I just can't make this commitment that I have to make to get past everything that's been dragging me down for the past 5 years.

What triggered all the depression is a problem that's already solved. I just realized how screwed up everything else was, and how dumb everyone went along with it.

my body's so numb, from all this crap I've been doing these past few years, that I can't feel anything at all. I scared that I might not even want to feel anything anyways, out of fear, fear of what?I don't know.

I once stayed with my dad five years ago, when I was first starting to feel depressed. He's a hunter. He had a rifle. He left me in the house one day. I played with it. I even put a bullet in it. I still have that bullet. I keep it to remind me of where it all should have ended. No, I can't say that, there have been some good times since then.

sorry if this was triggery.

Re: cigarette burn scar and names in my arm.
Posted by Maggie on Fri Dec 21 01:47:02 2001 (#12999)

Now that's about as honest as one can get. I'm assuming that you that was your first post on this board. I'm Maggie, 20 years old, cutter for a year or so but partially given up now. This site is a good place to come and get things off your chest, although it's soon gonna be moving to a new URL address: www.psyke.org/ where most of the people who have been posting here a while, now go. Hope you hang around.

Maggie.

Re: cigarette burn scar and names in my arm.
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Fri Dec 21 05:00:04 2001 (#13002)

welcome!!

detective
Posted by diana on Thu Dec 20 21:37:23 2001 (#12994)

a detective came into the school today n called me down.... she asked me if my dad has raped me before or his friends. it came outta no where n i can't take this shit...i honestly can't

Re: detective
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Fri Dec 21 01:23:37 2001 (#12998)

listen babe, i dont know the story or anything at all...but just take everything one step at a time, all of us here are here for you whenever...email me if you need to talk or anything

Re: detective
Posted by Nuni on Fri Dec 21 20:35:18 2001 (#13008)

First, things don't come out of nowhere. The cops wouldnt show up JUST because. If there is something happening to you, that os harmful TRY to do what is best FOR you!! I am emphasizing it that way because no one else knows what is going with you,.. JUST you. I hope everything turns out alright for you. I hope you can find some kind of comfort in visiting this board. Even if there are unspoken (& grim) reasons why we visit here. E-mail me if you want, or need to. Take care, Huge hugs!! Nuni

Re: detective
Posted by Nuni on Fri Dec 21 20:35:41 2001 (#13009)

Re: detective
Posted by Dawn on Sun Dec 23 10:46:29 2001 (#13026)

Diana; It must have been embarassing to have them come to school, and call you out of class in front of everyone. I imagine you were not humilated and scared you denied everything.

I do not know what the truth is, but if it is true you have been gives a gift... the gift is freedom of having of KEEPING "SECRECT" which entails lying even to yourself that nothing has been going on and life is A OK, when its not.

Sure telling the truth (if he has raped you) creats discord in your family, and you may be riduled for causing a number of conscequenses affecting your father. But if he has been raping you and you bite the bullet and speaking the truth inspite of the fear it is the best, yet the hardest thing to do.

When I was young I ran away from home and each time I was caught the police asked me why, social workers asked me why, and all I could say was, " I don't know" and that was the truth. It wasnt until I was well into my 30s before my brain revealed the truth to me. Would you email me. I would like to be a support person to you. Its up to you.

Until the Merry Christmas. I will be praying that God will be with you during this trying time you have before you. Love and Hugs....Dawn

manic street preachers
Posted by jennie on Fri Dec 21 08:01:37 2001 (#13003)

Is anyone on here on the Richie Edwards thing? x

Re: manic street preachers
Posted by diana on Fri Dec 21 21:05:45 2001 (#13010)

whats the richie edwards thing? can u explain to me?

Re: manic street preachers
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Fri Dec 21 22:34:38 2001 (#13013)

richie edwards?

Re: manic street preachers
Posted by Lindsey on Sun Dec 23 18:07:17 2001 (#13031)

Richie Edwards is the posterchild of self-injury.

Re: manic street preachers
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Mon Dec 24 03:33:05 2001 (#13040)

there is a poser child for self-injury. how so?

Re: manic street preachers
Posted by Shrapnel Surrealist on Tue Dec 25 17:57:25 2001 (#13063)

> http://www.self-injury.net/doy ousi/famous <

Check out that page and scroll down to Richey Edwards. That'll give you a bit of info on what he was all about.

He's often regarded as the poster child of SI because he was the first popular celebrity to overstep the taboo and bring the problem into the open. Sometimes, however, he was/is blamed for causing "obsessed" fans to start SIing purely in reverence to him.

Re: manic street preachers
Posted by *Poison on Wed Dec 26 05:46:09 2001 (#13072)

Richey Edwards is awesome. He is a god...ok well maybe that is a little obsessive...but still..i love his music and he is not dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!he did not kill himself! i know he didn't! ....geez...i'm just a BIT obsessed huh???

Amanda

Manic street preachers rule

Re: manic street preachers
Posted by little baby nothing on Fri Dec 28 02:28:41 2001 (#13097)

well, i have to agree with some of this. the manics do rule and richey, wherever he may be, he is/was absolutely lovely. it's always hard being a manics fan to try and get over the - you only SI cuz richey did scenario. personally, i started before i even knew who ricey was, but i admit there was some sense, when i started to get into them, of, well, if richey does it, then i can't be that weird? someone else also feels like this is their only way of control. i don't know if that's just me, but it helps me a lot to think that. stops you from feeling so isloated and alone. anyway, that's just my little piece on the topic. stay beautiful everyone and take it easy. **hugs**

how do i help my friend?
Posted by christina on Fri Dec 21 21:43:09 2001 (#13012)

my friend has just told me how she self harms herself, i know that this must have been very hard for to tell me and we talked about it. She has been depressed for a long time, and i am one of the only people she feels she can talk to. she has been self harming herself for months, and i feel guilty because i should have noticed something was wrong. What can i do to help her?

Re: how do i help my friend?
Posted by Nuni on Fri Dec 21 22:53:01 2001 (#13014)

Hi, The best thing you can do for your friend is listen. Your friend is very lucky that she can confide in you. Try to remain neutral and not pass judgement, its innocent if you do. Try not to blame yourself for not noticing, sometimes we (self harmers) do our best to hide our feelings. Now you know, be there for her, and she will appreciate it you for it. She is lucky to have such a good friend. Nuni

Re: how do i help my friend?
Posted by Jessica on Sat Dec 22 08:46:46 2001 (#13018)

tell her about Mercy Ministries, www.mercyministries.com email me if you do. IT helped me

Re: how do i help my friend?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Dec 22 16:13:51 2001 (#13023)

One of the best things you can do for her is not to judge her and help her out. A good thing to do would be to get some information and find out all you can about SI. There is a lot of stuff out there on the internet that would help you understand. And as far as you should have noticed something was wrong, please don't feel guilty over that. My daughter hid that from us and I never even suspected she was cutting. I knew others things were wrong, but not that. I'm glad she feels comfortable letting you know her problems. It helps when you have someone to talk to who you trust. If you have any questions, please feel free to email me any time. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: how do i help my friend?
Posted by Dawn on Sun Dec 23 11:07:21 2001 (#13027)

I am a cutter, and have been for about 13 years. I have been in therapy ever since. 4 years ago I met a man 18 years older than me and he told me to call him so I did. I am very grateful for both his support and his friendship. He never is onto me about my cutting, he just sighs and does what he can to be here for me.

There are many books to read, but Paul is my best support because he doesn't read and gets heady. Support is not about trying to fix the problem its about being there, sometimes not saying a word, just listening Email me please I have a paper about being a good support person, but I am way to sleepy to find it or write it down now. As it is sometimes I type in my sleep so if some of this is mispelled or doesn't make since that is why.

Thank God you are there to help her.

sorry but i have a question
Posted by diana on Sat Dec 22 03:43:43 2001 (#13015)

okay well im kinda forced into seeing a therapist again, but i have a question. i don't really care that my parents know that i cut and that i have an eating disorder, but if i tell the therapist during a session that ive been raped and molested before.. are they going to tell my parents? because i am a minor(only 15yrs. old) so please get back to me soon if you know anything. thanks

Re: sorry but i have a question
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Dec 22 16:20:03 2001 (#13024)

Ask the therapist when they have to say anything to the parents. Tara was only 16 when she started seeing her current therapist and he didn't tell me anything unless I asked. Even then, he held stuff back if I got to personal. You might check with the state laws where you live, but I didn't think they could say anything unless they considered you to be a threat to yourself or others. Just ask them and see how they react. Sorry if this doesn't help much. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: sorry but i have a question
Posted by *Poison on Wed Dec 26 05:42:53 2001 (#13071)

It depends on the state laws i think...but then again one of my therapists hasn't said a word to my parents...but the rest of them had to because it was state law. so you just need to ask. they will tell you without prodding...or they should

Amanda

Re: sorry but i have a question
Posted by confused on Tue Jan 1 11:06:18 2002 (#13171)

if you are 15 they can and will tell if they think that it puts the child in danger.

saying somehitng like im goingt o kill myslf tonight they will have to tell.

it all just depends ont he person ask her/him what his policys are

personally i thinm its stupid that they dont keep it confidental it forces us to hide it which is exactly what we shouldnt do.

A PLACE THAT REALLY HELPS!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Jessica on Sat Dec 22 08:44:36 2001 (#13017)

to all you ladies 13-28 that really want help

www.mercyministries.com

been here for 10 months, the place is free of charge, it's 'live-in', non-government (fundind completely from donations),

an awesome place, folks from all over the US, but they have a Mercy Ministries in austrailia too and one opening up in england.

before i came i cut myself about twice a day. I was on effexor, prozac, neurontonin, seroquel, and revia all at one time. now i'm on no medicine, and it's been 2 months since injuring myself.

visit the cite, request an application, and email me if you do.

Love, Jessica

Re: A PLACE THAT REALLY HELPS!!!!!!!!!
Posted by jen on Sun Dec 23 19:30:29 2001 (#13033)

Hi
Posted by divingmermaid on Sat Dec 22 15:07:02 2001 (#13021)

Hi! I do not thing many people here know me but I just want to say that since I have started to go to University I am feeling so much better. I rarely binge and purge and hardly cut nowadays. What I am trying to say is that when I was feeling down I could not believe that things could get better and from hearing it from someone a glimpse of hope came up inside me. I know that life is hard but there is hope I think that things get better. Anyway love to everybody. I an finding Christmas quite difficult to cope with. It is so emotional.

christmas sucks
Posted by mego on Sat Dec 22 16:37:12 2001 (#13025)

christmas sucks, my friends suck, i would rather be at school concentrating on school work than on break having to deal with everything else going on. goddammit. this sucks.

Re: christmas sucks
Posted by robyn on Sun Dec 23 17:22:36 2001 (#13030)

I agree with you 43547852057%... i'd rather be at skool or in bed sleepin christmas then beinw ith family ya kno email me ozzyboy102 2aol.com

robyn

Re: christmas sucks
Posted by jen on Sun Dec 23 19:27:46 2001 (#13032)

i know how you feel i hate being w/ family it sucks ass so much i would rather be doing like 10 reports per class then have to sit on christmas day and open presents w/ my family i can't wait to move out my twin sister makes my life a living hell so i agree 200000000000000000000000000000 percent! always, jennah

depression and selfharm
Posted by sam on Sun Dec 23 15:58:01 2001 (#13028)

I am not sure if I am in the right place but I reall do not now were eslse to go. I have had depression for a long time I did see a doc but did not like the was I was treid and I hate the way I was on the drugs so I stop . Then a bit later I started to srlfharm now one nows about any of this not my faimly or friends I a to ashamed to show my arms. I can go days and week and not cut but then I just get the need to I gess that the depression .I just feall like I am sreaming on the in side and crying to and I feall anger and sad sorry I am not make much sence now I beat go.

Re: depression and selfharm
Posted by RealityBandage on Sun Dec 23 19:42:17 2001 (#13034)

Um....sam...I think I can relate to what you're saying. If you need some help contact me I have msn messenger and aim.

Love, Samantha

Re: depression and selfharm
Posted by sam to reality bandage on Sun Dec 23 21:12:42 2001 (#13036)

do you have depression and selfharm I have tried other place but now one seems to I feall alone in this .I can not tell my faimly thay will get to up set. I have yahoo messager.

Re: depression and selfharm
Posted by Angelica on Sun Dec 23 21:13:48 2001 (#13037)

Hi honey. Yes you are in the right place. If you want to talk please feel free to e-mail me. Love 'n' blood soaked tears Ema xxx

Re: depression and selfharm
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Dec 24 04:40:43 2001 (#13042)

Hi Sam, Welcome to the board. You're in the right place cause this is the best place. I don't cut, but have a daughter who does. Please feel free to email me if you ever want to talk. Since I'm a parent, maybe I can help you out there. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: depression and selfharm
Posted by sam to Angelica on Mon Dec 24 11:10:55 2001 (#13048)

Sorry I know that this is a time to be happey with your family.But I just hate being at home I feall trapped and all ways haveing to put on a happey face.It all make me feall more alone I can not reall explan it.My family are great but I just feall so much on the out side I wou't to scream at them that I am not ok but I now how much that it would heart them. That is somethink I can not do sorry I best go. Thanks

Story
Posted by Robyn Girl on Sun Dec 23 20:01:12 2001 (#13035)

if you'd like to hear a good story... email me cause it's too much to type click the linky or Im me on ozzyboy102, Tuchthehiney, or D1sturbed4L1fe

robyn

Need to talk to someone
Posted by Robyn on Mon Dec 24 01:20:37 2001 (#13039)

Hey all well ya see i have an issue and i reallie need some help. My issue is that everytime a person dies or gets hurt i'm thinkin to myself i wish i were dead or i wish i was the one bein carried away. I don't want it for atteniton as others that i've told have said i just have this urge to die or be hurt just to get away from this world... please Email me or IM me at d1sturbed4L1fe. thanks bye now

robyn

Re: Need to talk to someone
Posted by Dawn on Mon Dec 24 09:04:24 2001 (#13046)

Robyn; You emailed me today and I replied. As I said in my reply that you were very graphic. Personally it struck me as an odd way emailing someone you did not know.

As for thinking, wishing, imagining, hoping it was you dying instead of whoever, you are not alone. It is my guess that at least half of the people on here has thought or felt the same way.

I wrestled with it for many years, until I realized I didn't want to be dead dead, I just wanted the pain and constand barrage of flashback to end.

I've not said this before to anyone, but my gut screams at me that you are not one of us, just someone to distance myself from so I am going to block you from contacting me via email.

Sorry but I got to go with my gut on this one.

Re: Need to talk to someone
Posted by robyn on Tue Dec 25 05:21:59 2001 (#13062)

And another thing i'd like to say.... i'm feelin that this is a board where u can say waht u feel. well that's wat i'm doin and appernatly u shouldnt respond if i didn't do any fukin thing to u so please don't make me feel even worse about me. I'm fukin sorry if i offended u in any fukin way but i didn't do shit to u. i don't fukin kno y u had to be such a rude ass to me in the firstplace so leave me the fuk alone.

Robyn

Re: Need to talk to someone
Posted by robyn on Tue Dec 25 05:18:06 2001 (#13061)

Wat did i email u? i donm't remember

A graffic poem in red type
Posted by Dawn on Fri Dec 28 19:53:49 2001 (#13116)

I am sorry, you are right I reacted instead of responded. I have just read so many graffic poems that seems to glorify our self-mutilation I resented the fact that you emailed me a poem in red type which symbolizes blood and the message of the poem was about cutting and watching the blood drip or something like that and I reacted.

It is one thing reading graffic poems on the board, I can avoid post from the people who write them, but when it appeared in my email it was a different story.

Please forgive me.!!!!!!!!!

Re: A graffic poem in red type
Posted by robyn on Sun Dec 30 01:11:22 2001 (#13140)

Sorry dawn.... i didn't mean to offend u with the poem on aol it's called Signature where u can set it so it always comes on at the end and that's wat it's set on so it just shows up whenever i send anyone anythng it comes up.... i think the one that i had was... i'll draw you a picture i'll draw it with a twist i'll draw it with a razor blade i'll draw it on my wrist and if i draw it correctly a red fountain will appear washing away the memories and wipin away the tears..... i think but Pweese forgive me for bein a jackass i love u

Mwahhhh Email me if ya wannna talk more okie doke i'll always open ....

Robyn Girl

only for attention
Posted by katelyn on Mon Dec 24 03:36:07 2001 (#13041)

dont you hate it when someone sees scars or fresh cuts or nethin nd theyre like ..."you only do that for attention" or say "just stop doing that to yourself" like they have a single clue whats the situation or whatever..... o well im blabbering and was just wondering if anyone else hates that. -katelyn

Re: only for attention
Posted by Erin on Mon Dec 24 04:46:45 2001 (#13043)

yeah...that bugs the hell out of me

Re: only for attention
Posted by Jenny on Sun Jan 6 13:28:19 2002 (#13262)

Nobody hs a clue and attention is just an anwser that people won't see past. I have god know show many people tell me that it's for attention even my own family my mum, my grandparents, and so many have told me to just stop it but it's not that easy thety have no idea what it's like.

Re: only for attention
Posted by mego on Mon Dec 24 07:16:19 2001 (#13044)

hell yeah. fuck all of them. they have no idea, never will.

Re: only for attention
Posted by amanda on Thu Jan 3 12:21:37 2002 (#13212)

yeah!i just HATE it when they do that!!! they suck!! they don't understand anything and judge without knowing the situation.

Re: only for attention
Posted by jen on Mon Dec 24 18:00:51 2001 (#13051)

yeah i hate that they don't know how it feels to be in my shoes or anyone elses i hate that alot

Re: only for attention
Posted by *Poison on Wed Dec 26 04:03:30 2001 (#13069)

well..i agree but i am going to play the other side for a second cause i have some really annoying friends who do cut for attention...don't we all cut for attention because we want help right? and we obviously can't do it alone? (hence we are here on the board) so don't we all do it for attention so that we can recieve the help we would like? so that someone out there will see us and take us into their arms and guide us through this tough time on our lives? -i'm just being an ass, i know what you mean, and i also hate it, but it's just something to think about.

AManda

Re: only for attention
Posted by confused on Tue Jan 1 11:00:45 2002 (#13170)

when i started i was doing it for attention and it had all just started by hitting myself untill i bruised. i copied off one of my frineds who also did it for attention. as i got worse and worse i did get attention. alot of it. but it wasnt the right kind of attention i was expecting. but by then id knew how 'good' it was and i just hid it and kept on doing it.

some of my friends still do it for attention its just a cry for help that if it isnt satified early it grows and changes

Re: only for attention
Posted by *sCiSsOrS* on Tue Jan 8 06:10:27 2002 (#13284)

i dont think most ppl do it for attention...b/c a lot of ppl try to COVER UP their scars and cuts (including myself). there's no worse feeling in the world i think than that moment when you know someone has seen the cuts and they have that look on their face like "what did you do" and u try to make up some bullshit excuse...god that sucks. i laugh looking back at all the excuses i used to give....how i thought ANYONE believed me, is beyond me!

Re: only for attention
Posted by michelle on Fri Jan 11 22:05:42 2002 (#13344)

I hate that also. everyone in this world who is ignorant and doesn't take the time to understand what they know nothing about says that. "you're just doing it for attention" That pisses me off so much that I just want to do it more. If I was hurting myself for attention, I would stand up on a stage and do it infront of people. Fucking assholes!

Re: only for attention
Posted by crystal on Thu Jan 17 04:52:02 2002 (#13471)

i never know what to say to them. i know they are just concerned but they have no idea. and i'm glad they don't know. i'm hope they never can find joy in watching their own blood flow out of their skin. but sometimes it makes me sad. when i have nothing to say. just staring at them thinking. what can i say to you?

turning into her
Posted by mego on Mon Dec 24 07:34:27 2001 (#13045)

i'm turning into my mom. everyone is in bed and as soon as i was sure my mom was sleeping, i made myself a drink. i promised myself that i would never drink alone because that would make me just like her, and now look at me. i don't want to be my mom. i love her, but i want to have control over something besides my cutting and i want to be able to be independent enough to make my own choices about my life, instead of having to have an abusive husband make them for me. i love my friends for trying to be there for me but i hate them for giving up or for not ever being able to really understand me. shit, i dont even know if any of this is making sense right now. if i could get one thing for christmas it would be for everything to be like it was when i was little. i could forgive my dad for beating us, like everyone else seems to do even now. my mom would only drink once or twice a week. i wouldn't have to worry about my friends because they were coughing up blood (my friend nathan, long story) or about having to find cigarettes to calm me down or ritalin or whatever else to keep me awake during school. my biggest problem was worrying about who to sit by on the bus. god, those were the good days. if my life can get this bad in the few years since then, what is it going to be like in a few years from now? i dont even want to start thinking about that. i've been drinking as ive been typing this and my headache is going away... thats always gosod. good. shit, but im making more and more typos and i keep hai having to go back and erase them, which is making this take forever so fuck it, i'll just start over every time i make a mistake. last night i had tim flirting with me, then he left and his girlfriend, brandy, came over. she was flirting with tims friend brett, until tim got back, then tim and brandy were all over each other and his sise sister, nell, and brett were flirting. they all totally stabbed each other in the back and none of them see it. is the whole world like that? am i just talking ao out of my ass? i think i might be. shit... i need someone to talk to right now, whenever i start drinking i do that. but then what would happen, i'd just ramble on and on, repeating myself s ans and feeling sorry for myself. once more, like my mother. wowk wow! this is great! shit, dont reply to this. its dumb buti 'm bposting it s anyway. goddammit. sorry i cant type for shit. fuck.

Change takes Courage EVERY 1 PLEZ READ
Posted by Dawn on Mon Dec 24 10:32:42 2001 (#13047)

Mego; typos and all it made a lot of sense to me. Because I lived it from your mother's side, and my children's side, and from the side you see life too. That is what happens when you get to be 49. You've been through all the years and the changes, and problems.

That is probably why your mother drinks too. I did. We try whatever we can just to get through the life we've got ourselves in.

Children can forgive their parents easier than when they get older and their eyes are open to the bigger picture. But let me tell you. The older we get the bigger the picture of our lives becomes.

Children cannot change their parents, parents can't change their children. Friends try to understand but they have their messed up lives to muddle through, so it seems we are fighting a losing battle. But there is Hope. There is one person we can change. Ourselves. We can explore who we are inside ourselves as well as how we react to the world around us. And we can begin taking baby steps and begin changing ourselves and our lives.

Too many people start trying to change the outside, but if we are still the same on the inside we are back to our old way of life in a very short time.

Changing our insides takes a lot of courage... just looking inside ourselves takes courage. Some special gives me the courage to look inside and take those baby steps to change. His name is Jesus.

Before your anger rises too high, just listen for a bit. Jesus doesn't look down his nose at me and points out all my flaws and calls me names because I made bad choices throughout my life that led me to be in an abusive marriage, or to drink every day for years and do drugs and smoke pot, and give my children alcohol and nyquil when they were little so they'd go to sleep and leave their father and I to party the evening away.

No, Jesus took me just as I was, a heavy drinker, who smoked pot, grew pot, beat my kids, and went so nuts I decided to kill them to stop the madness in our home. My kids use to fight with each other, run through the house with sharp knives screaming, 'I'M GOING TO KILL YOU" and nothing I tried could undo the bad things I had done when I was angry. And I knew their behavior was learned from me. That makes me sad.

But I've learned I tried my best to correct my mistakes, and now they have to take the intiative to change their lives.

Like I said at the beginning I saw a lot of the different stages of your story in my own. What made me nuts was trying to change other people's behavior to fit me, and instead of that I lost control of myself.

My life is oh so much better now, because instead of murdering my kids and myself I call the authorities and asked for their help. They told me what I'm tell you and anyone else that reads this. IF YOU WANT YOUR LIFE DIFFERENT, GET YOU LIFE IN ORDER FIRST.

I need help so I ask Jesus first, then I seek out professionals who are right for me. And I am so much different than I used to be. I don't even drink anymore. I don't hit anyone anymore, well my granddaughter gets a swat on the behind if she lashes out at me when I watch her, but she is getting better behaved than when she was 3.

Just so everyone knows before I was going to murder my kids and myself I was afraid to telling anyone, even my family that my kids were too much for me to handle, or that I drank so much, or grew pot, or was arrested for shoplifting at the age of 30ish.

But now I tell you all because if I tell you maybe you will know it doesn't have to go that far. There are caring people waiting to hear from you, waiting to share your burdens, waiting to support you when you make the decision to report abuse, rape, or child molestation, or to leave an abusive situation.

I wrote the other night that I have a broken heart because I don't have the love I want from my son. BUT BROKEN HEARTS MEND, DEAD CHILDREN STAY DEAD. I'm glad my children are alive. I'm glad I'm alive.

Being alive is good because with courage you can change some things and accept things you cannot change.

Wish you all a Merry Christman

Re: Change takes Courage EVERY 1 PLEZ READ
Posted by Linda on Mon Dec 24 18:41:43 2001 (#13054)

Dawn, you are so special! I'm proud to be your friend!

Prayer
Posted by Robyn Girl on Mon Dec 24 17:18:35 2001 (#13049)

Dear Heavenly Father I come to You today Humbly as I know how I praise You and I lift Your name up I know that it is only because of You that I have made it this far I look at my life knowing that my days are precious and that nothing is forever As I move forward, on this journey I learn to take what I need and keep it moving I realize that my talents are a gift from You, And what I do with them is my gift back to You I want to give back to You, Lord and I know that sometimes I go astray But I’ll always come back Because I love You In Your precious name we pray Amen

~~i read this whenever i'm feelin bad cause if we all wanted to die we'd be dead but there is always that one part of us that tells us no and wen we're afraid and we feel the warmth after a while that's God workin in us and without him we have nothing and we will kill our selves. Pleas talk to me guys i'm goin thru everything that u r and i want u to kno that u need to email me or IM me at d1sturbed4L1fe if u ever need ne thing, a prayer a person to talk to a person just to tell u it's all gonna be ok anything i'm hear for you and i'm ususally on so u can catch me and if i'm not well i'll be on the next day. please come to me if u need any thing and remember that we all do go astray but we'll always find our way back to Him (god)so talk to me cause i'm here for u!!

~~Robyn Girl

Re: Prayer
Posted by star on Mon Dec 24 22:44:44 2001 (#13057)

If u ever need to talk to me then i am always here you are amazing i can tell that through just reading your poems and story etc Love and Prayers Amz xx

email me to here my story
Posted by Emily Anderson on Mon Dec 24 18:33:38 2001 (#13052)

my story is way to long to tell so email me and I'll tell ya what my SI is like(it ain't pretty)

Re: email me to here my story
Posted by robyn on Mon Dec 24 18:41:17 2001 (#13053)

email it to me

Re: email me to here my story
Posted by confused on Tue Jan 1 11:08:35 2002 (#13172)

email me

Re: email me to here my story
Posted by diana on Mon Dec 24 20:26:46 2001 (#13055)

you can email me it if u would like to..

Re: email me to here my story
Posted by star on Tue Dec 25 20:13:11 2001 (#13064)

You can email it to me as well if thats ok peace and prayers Amz xx

Re: email me to here my story
Posted by Erin on Mon Dec 24 21:08:42 2001 (#13056)

you can email it to me..I'd like to hear it

Re: email me to here my story
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Tue Dec 25 01:41:05 2001 (#13059)

hey,

i tried emailing you but it wouldnt let me. so if you could just email it to me that would be wonderful!

Re: email me to here my story
Posted by Shellz on Wed Dec 26 06:32:21 2001 (#13076)

Please send me your story I'd love to hear it

boyfriends blow....
Posted by lys on Tue Dec 25 01:25:10 2001 (#13058)

well, okay... I met this guy last weekend, and we kind of hit it off... this weekend, I spent the night at his place 2 nights ago, with a girl friend of mine, and nothing happened. Then last night, while we were both wasted (I drank way too much) he asked me out. I would have said yes whether or not I had been drinking. That isn't my issue. My problem is with myself. I mean, I liked him a lot, and then now that I have him, I don't care, I just wanna get rid of him. I hate being like this, because I am acting so coldhearted, and the thing is that I don't give 2 shits. Actually, it isn;t that I got him and then didn't care, but all I wanted was him to cuddle me all night, which he did, and now I am done. I just sort of chew men up and spit them out (sound familiar drew? but you helped me when we dated... you made it easy). And so now, its Christmas Eve, I am sick with a cold, the flu, stuffiness, and really bad ear infections. And nursing a hang-over. Merry Christmas anyone???

so, I hope everyone has a good Christmas, although I will probably be online before then.... take care!!!

Re: boyfriends blow....
Posted by mego on Wed Dec 26 00:17:37 2001 (#13066)

yeah, i'm like that. i feel like shit for it too. damn. cigarette time!!

Re: boyfriends blow....
Posted by Drew on Sat Dec 29 05:36:54 2001 (#13126)

hmmm, well..... that does sound like a perdickamint indeed.... and no, that doesn't sound familiar at all. I never felt used, just....... well, not used,

as for your problem.... try getting yourself a nice girlfreind for a while, I find they work great. :)

thecutthatneverheals :)

Re: boyfriends blow....
Posted by confused emma on Tue Jan 1 10:39:32 2002 (#13169)

i know what you mean but believe me you anit bad you say you use them and then then spit them out thats ok dont they do the same to us?

when you have onlt known a guy for like a week or even a month its fine its not as if they are in love with you they dont even know you.

christmas
Posted by necrosis on Tue Dec 25 04:08:25 2001 (#13060)

have a fucking good time ok!! that's an order!!xxxx

Re: christmas
Posted by mego on Wed Dec 26 00:13:42 2001 (#13065)

haha, its already sucked. damn family.

Re: christmas
Posted by Erin on Wed Dec 26 03:31:12 2001 (#13067)

sucked for me too...and I dont even have any family

Re: christmas
Posted by somebody who loves you on Wed Dec 26 23:35:27 2001 (#13085)

you aswell angel, i havent spoke to u for a while, i love u lots and lots in a friend way... merry christmas angel mwahxxxx

Christmas Sucks
Posted by *Poison on Wed Dec 26 03:53:45 2001 (#13068)

end of story...actually i'm just depressed cause i haven't taken my meds in a week cause i OD'd on them and i didn't want my mom to find out...I yi yi...what am i to do with myself? well i hope everyone is having a better time than i am.

Mery christmas

Amanda (KoKo)

christmas doesnt have to suck..2every1
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Wed Dec 26 05:42:42 2001 (#13070)

i know everyone thinks that christmas sucks and all...but there are different reasons for christmas...religious reasons...but yeah. think about what it is really about...i kind of enjoyed just sitting there watching all my family members talk and then trying to strike a convo with me. kind of imppossiable but yeah...merry christmas all...hopefully next years will be better

Re: christmas doesnt have to suck..2every1
Posted by *Poison on Wed Dec 26 05:50:42 2001 (#13073)

There is no real religious thing for christmas, there is fact that jesus wasn't even born near the day. it's mainly a time to get together with family and give gifts...sorry...i'm acting bitchy...i'm jealous of the UK...:) (see post below)

Amanda

jealous of the UK
Posted by *Poison on Wed Dec 26 05:52:53 2001 (#13074)

hello, my name is amanda and i'm jealous of the UK. all the good bands come from the UK, SI and mental illness is more open in society and there are more options and places to choose from to get better...so all in all i'm jealous of the UK

poor lonly US citizen Amanda

Re: jealous of the UK
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Wed Dec 26 06:33:09 2001 (#13077)

as am i...

... that is so odd...i was just thinking about that tonight, about how they are more opened with self injury there...odd odd

Re: jealous of the UK
Posted by robyn on Wed Dec 26 18:21:34 2001 (#13080)

Yeah i kno my sister's studing to be a Phyco. there cause she's been livin there for a year doin skool there so yeah i'm jelouse!!

robyn

Re: jealous of the UK
Posted by *Poison on Wed Dec 26 20:15:51 2001 (#13082)

lol, i wanna study to be a psycho! lol -i know what u ment but it just sounds funny :)

Amanda

Re: jealous of the UK
Posted by .::*kim. on Wed Dec 26 21:37:40 2001 (#13083)

me too...yay! i want to be a psyco. hah

Re: jealous of the UK
Posted by pippa on Fri Dec 28 22:58:38 2001 (#13120)

hey, just thought id let u no that the uk iosnt all its supposed to be. i dunno what u heard, but its soo awful, the whgole system is a pile of shit. if the teaqchers find out about SI or anything then they have to tell every other teacher & ur parents bgy law, so, if u gotta a problem with whats hapeening at home & ur teachers find out, then they fone ur parents & tell them, its so stupid. u have no privacy. just thought id let u no, but if ur still jealous of a society where noone has the right to their own life, then carry on.

Re: jealous of the UK
Posted by *Poson on Sat Dec 29 02:19:10 2001 (#13122)

it is no different anywhere else in the world. by law in the US if teachers find out they as well have to phone your parents. there is nothing wrong with that if u ask me. i mean your parents do have a right to know if their children are having a hard time... i don't know...

Amanda

Re: jealous of the UK
Posted by Jenny on Sat Dec 29 22:28:22 2001 (#13136)

Hey the Uk aint all its cracked up to be. SIing isn't talkined about that much they tend to avoid the subject and dont do anything about helping you to stop. I was seein ppl for months and they all knew I cut but never did anything to help. Where is all the bloody tips to make you stop????

Re: jealous of the UK
Posted by confused on Wed Jan 2 12:27:41 2002 (#13188)

im in new zealand and 1/2 the school (teachers and students and even the princabal) knew before anything was done and i was the one stupid enough to tel my parents.

i agree with pippa you have got to have privacy its ne of the few things that human beings have left.

Re: jealous of the UK
Posted by jes on Thu Jan 3 14:20:22 2002 (#13213)

hey, i didn't think that they had to tell anyone? i mean, wheni was in hospital for stitches, my head of year knew, and a couple of teachers who's been giving me a hard time. oh, n the teacher who told my head of year when dumb-ass me let my sleeve drop. but no-one else knew. and i could talk to her and she NEVER phoned my dad about any of it. (i mean, he knew about the hospital obv, but not the other stuff) did my teacher break the law? oh well. all done and dusted now. just thought i'd say. (this is the uk by the way) xxx

Cutting (possible trig)
Posted by Shellz on Wed Dec 26 06:18:19 2001 (#13075)

Hi everyone, this is my first time on this board. I started cutting 4 years ago, nothing really that serious until this last year though. But I haven't cut in nearly 4 months. It seems like forever. This is the first time in 4 years I haven't been depressed. Yet, I'm not happy - I really don't know how to explain it. When I used to cut all the time it was usually brought on by a panic attack and cutting would make me feel better. I haven't really had any desire to cut in a long time, but right now I really really want to. But it's wierd because I have no reason too, I'm not suicidal or depressed, I'm not having a panic attack. I just want to cut, I want to dig out my razor blade and slice my skin, I want to feel cold, sharp steel on my arm. I don't know what to do. It's Christmas for cying out loud! Anyway I just needed to get that out.

Re: Cutting (possible trig)
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Wed Dec 26 06:36:26 2001 (#13078)

well i hope everything is okay...welcome to the boared...its really helpful here. if you ever need to talk or vent just email me.

Re: Cutting (possible trig)
Posted by Dawn on Thu Dec 27 11:56:36 2001 (#13091)

Welcome to the board where we all are family. At 49 and with 12-13 years of cutting behind me I've learned we never REALLY need a reason to cut, we don't have to be depressed, anxious, or anything else. It seems that once we do it that first time and find whatever it is that cutting does for each of us, THAT THING IS ALWAYS UNDER THE SURFACE READY AND WILLING TO GIVE US WHAT WE THINK WE NEED, but what is true, is that like other addictions it slowly loses whatever it was it did and we try to find it again, and there comes a time where it just won't be found again.

Hopefully its been so long with you that that is true for you. love and hugs...Dawn

Re: Cutting (possible trig)
Posted by Jen on Fri Dec 28 06:16:12 2001 (#13106)

I can relate to your feelings so bad. Everything can be going great for me. I became addicted to the feeling of bleeding and cutting...i dont know what ur opinion on Eminem is but the line of "Stan" that says " sometimes i even cut myself to see how much it bleeds it's like adreneline the pain is such a sudden rush for me" reflects how i feel. I think sometimes when you dont know how to feel you figure that if u feel pain at least you know what you are feeling, and that feels good because it is a releif... try to hang in there. when you get through this tough time you will be so proud of yourself. Once you cut, your risking falling back again, and i know how hard it is to stop, you've worked way too hard to fall back

the day after x-mas suckes just as bad
Posted by Kristina on Wed Dec 26 17:47:28 2001 (#13079)

Hey everyone, this is the first time im posting on this board. Iv been cutting for the last 3 monthes, i no thats like not that long but i feel like iv been doing it for ever, i cut a min. of 6-7 times a day. Aside from the SI iv been Anorexic for the last 3-4 years and depressed for as long as i can remeber.Iv attemped to OD once but that was never that big a deal, im pretty sure everyone has. Im kinda freaking out cause tomarow i have to go talk to a Shrink for the first time. Its kinda funny that my paretns after, 4 years, now deside that something might be wrong with me. Im just gonna try and BS my way through it, if anyone knows whats gonna happen, i could use the advice.

Re: the day after x-mas suckes just as bad
Posted by Erin on Wed Dec 26 18:39:27 2001 (#13081)

Hey. I've never been to a shrink before so I dont know what to tell you...I've been cutting for about 10 months and I'm 15. more people usually post on the other board...at psyke.org Just thought I'd tell you that. and your right...the day after christmas does suck just as bad. hope everything turns out aight for you.

Re: the day after x-mas suckes just as bad
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Dec 27 02:33:29 2001 (#13087)

Hey Kristina, Welcome to the board.The only thing I can say is please don't try to BS your way through sessions with a therapist. If you get lucky and find a really good one, you will be amazed how they can help. You don't have to tell them everything all at once. My daughter was in a bad way and we went through 3 or 4 therapist before we found Dr. Gilbert. He is totally awesome. I went the first few times with Tara so I could ask some questions and answer some from him.He helped me a lot as far as understanding Tara. Today, Tara is out on her own and holding her own. Just try talking to a therapist and see if you think it might help. That's all I ask of you, okay? If you ever want to talk, just email me. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: the day after x-mas suckes just as bad
Posted by mara B on Sat Dec 29 03:25:41 2001 (#13124)

therapists, shrinks, councellors, psychologists, social workers, the guy on kids help phone........it's weird at first to go see on, much less talk to them, and trust them. and it does take some time to find a good one who wont just say it's a phase, or any other loser shrink line. but they do help. they are worth it in the end. don't like or trust the one your parents send you to? find another. ask around. it's your mind and sometimes body if they prescribe meds that they're dealing with. so try it, fool around between doc and get one who you like, and who you trust. want more first hand experience info, e-mail me, okay?

hugs, music and mayhem

-mara B

telling som1
Posted by charlie on Wed Dec 26 21:45:38 2001 (#13084)

hi! hope you all had a good xmas...... s*rry to be morbid in the same post but i wanted some advice...

i told som1 a few weeks ago that i have been cuttin my arms an my legs. it was a close friend that i talk to on the pooter and somtimes go an see. shes been very supportive altho she didnt quiet understand about s/i at first i think she has done some reading up and now she kinda knows what i talk about... anyways.... she wants me to stop doing it, i told her i cant just stop! shes ok with that but she also wants me to get professional help but im a bit scared, i dont think i really want to stop else i wont be able to cope any more. also i dont talk very well bout stuff like that.

also im not sure how much and when i should tell her bout what happens.... im worried that i will upset her or make her upset...

im sooooo confused!! any advise???

thanks

Charlie

Re: telling som1
Posted by jen on Thu Dec 27 00:37:24 2001 (#13086)

i know how you feel don't even listen to someone when they tell you to stop you can't just go ok i will stop now you know don't listen to them, my best friend said that and now he knows what i meant by tellin him i can't you know well g2g bye i am really sry if you need to talk ever e-mail me at footballgodess87@aol.com

Re: telling som1
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Dec 27 02:36:01 2001 (#13088)

Just tell her that right now you're not really comfortable talking to anyone, but you will think about it later on. Who knows, maybe you will feel like it on down the road. Please take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: telling som1
Posted by Dawn on Thu Dec 27 11:46:04 2001 (#13090)

Hi Charlie, I'm Dawn, 49 and will hopefully make it to 50 if I get past what happened last night.

There was a lot in my life I couldn't talk about when I was growing up I shoplifted. Then I started hanging out downtown with kids who did drugs, drank, and girls who ran away. I ran away 9 times in 4 years and I totally try to discourage anyone from running away, because life on the street is hell.

What happened to me, and what I've seen happen time and time again is those things we don't talk about come back to bite us in the but.

Look at yourself, you are talking here, but mostly you are talking every time you cut. Cutting is a language we on the board know well.

I do not know how old you are but it is common for cutters to be teens. But that was not my case. I started cutting after I stopped screaming at my kids or beating with the idea that would correct their behavior. The problem is it led to them mimicing my temperment and behavior, And instead of talking to a professional my abusiveness esclated and I decided one day to end all our lives, but God broke through my maddness and I picked up the phone and called for help.

What I'm trying to say is that when we are not speaking words with out mouths we are speaking volumes with our behavior.

Cutting like screaming and beating kids often escalates very quickly and many times we cuttings stand at deaths door. The ones who live reach out for help either here on the board or through the telephone wires to crisis centers where we can say what we need to say without giving our "true name".

Getting help has to begin with you. You do not have to stop cutting. I'm been getting professional help for upteen years, and getting stitched up when I needed it. But then I'm 49 not a teenager living with a family, in my parents home, where someone other than me makes decisions for me and my wellfare.

Talking things out is good for me but it may not be for me. But it was so important when I got bit in the butt by the things I didn't talk about as a teenager and I didn't have money for a phone of my own. I would go to a pay phone and call up the crisis hot line and talk, and when the listener quit listening and tried their, "Well how do you think so and so would feel if you killed yourself, I would stop them and say, "Don't play your little psyke games with me just listen. And slowly I taught them to listen and as I did I listened to myself as well.

Writing is another good way of speaking what our insides needs to say, but if privacy is an issue after you write it down, Tear it up, or use a shredder. It is actually a good way to release what we have spoken on paper. Or if you use a computer.... errase it. The thing is you are getting it outside of you and you are becoming more at ease about doing so and then when you are ready to talk face to face with someone, whom you've built up trust with you are way ahead.

If you want to talk, you can email me, but if you become suicidal I will do whatever I can to get you help. That is the only reason I would share anything anyone shares with me with anyone else. love and hugs...Dawn

Re: telling som1
Posted by sara on Fri Dec 28 03:56:52 2001 (#13099)

hey--i used to come here alot but i've been drifting in and out of eating things so my therapists have been keeping me busy...anyway, when i told someone about my cutting, she freaked. but, i suppose she freaked in a good way if that makes sense. anyway, it was at band camp and she was on staff at band camp (she graduated a few years ago, i'm a senior now) and she told one of the counslers at the school. while, i hated her for doing that, i realize that she did the right thing, she probably saved me. well, i suppose that each and every person would react differently, someone at school told me that they did, and i wasn't sure how to respond to that person and i cut myself. so as long as she is being supportive of you and letting you talk to her, then go for it. just don't overwhealm her with it, i mean, if it gets to much for her, give her a way out.

anyway, you said that she talked about you getting professional help, which is a hard thing to do to admit you need help. but all in all, sometimes it is good to just let go and admit you need help, the hardest thing in the world to do, but also the best.

hope i helped, email me if you want :-)

sara

mfkkaldmv?
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Thu Dec 27 11:01:16 2001 (#13089)

im drunkfmsjj

Re: mfkkaldmv?
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Thu Dec 27 23:01:18 2001 (#13094)

you all probably dont care but yeah...sorry for that message, i dont know what i was thinking...i drank a little too much. and after getting sick for about 3 hours i came here for some reason...but yeah sorry all

sorry
Posted by mego on Thu Dec 27 15:40:23 2001 (#13092)

shame, hate, tears, razor, blood, cuts, pain, releif, secrets, fights, screams, mess, ,headache, bed, him, mom, dad, friend, enemy, brother, cousin, everything, nothing, emotion, empty, panic, breathe, sigh, live, kill, die, too much, not enough, cigarette, smoke,5 hits, no, yes, cough, laugh, trouble, bruise, yelling, shame, hate, tears, razor, blood, cuts, pain, releif, secrets...

:::Crying:::I Am Dying From Self-Mutilation, Help!
Posted by Jordan on Thu Dec 27 22:51:37 2001 (#13093)

Hi, my name is Jordan. I am a 15 year old female. I have been cutting on and off for about a year now. It all started with me liking a guy that didn't feel the same. It seemed to be a good solution at the time. Now, it just seems to be an addiction/hobby of mine. I am scared to die but; I am not scared of taking the wrisk of commiting suicide. Most of my friends think I am full of bullshit. I am not though...I am dying inside so badly. I have no other way to think things through. I just cut to my hearts content. I have been to psychologists since I was 3 years of age. I have taken many medications for my diagnoses. I have been diagnosed with Manic Depression, Severe Free-Floating Anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and something else, which at this time I cannot remember. I am currently on Zoloft 100mg. It seems as though I am now immune to the drug. I have been taking it for quiete sometime now. I now have another problem. I am in love with a guy that lives about 3,000 miles away from me. I don't know what to do. So, I cut. I hate how all my friends think I am full of bullshit though. I do not know what to do about that. I mean I admit I express that I cut myself and I think about suicide freely. They are just my feelings. When people ask me how I feel, I tell them. Now, they are going to get mad at me for answering one of their questions? I don't get it. I come to find myself always depressed. I mean, look at my profile. My screen name is SafetyPinzPunk. How do I get my friends to realize that this is not a game? That I am totally serious about suicide and self-injury. Please, someone, anyone, help me, before I trust my mind, that suicide is the only answer. Please, HELP ME! Jordan

Re: :::Crying:::I Am Dying From Self-Mutilation, H
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Thu Dec 27 23:05:13 2001 (#13095)

welcome!!

okay now not to sound like a bitch...you are 15. you are cutting over a guy that you THINK you love. think about it. please. you are 15.

You don't have to die, and welcome to the board
Posted by Dawn on Fri Dec 28 03:34:03 2001 (#13098)

Jordan, you are 15 and I will be 50 next July so there is a big age gap, but the age gap here is a good one. I know more than a 15 year old knows because I have lived through much more.

It troubles me that you have been cutting over normal addolessant stuff. The boy/girl thing is complicated enough but at age 15 it is magnified 100 times. Love comes and goes at that age just like the clouds swept along by the wind. Its called puberty. Its called being fickle, its all normal.

I am not manic depressive, I'm totally disabled due to depression, post-traumatic-stess syndrome from being sexually abused since I was in diapers with over 150 different people being involved. I discoverd many years back that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which is why I cut. BPD has many symptoms, like relationship problems, feeling empty, hating myself, having a lot of anger, multilating my body, feeling worthless, not wanting to live, not trusting people, mood swings, a lot of emotional pain, wondering who I am and why I'm on this planet, binge spending, binge eating, problems with drugs and alcohol, being impulsive, and totally lossing it under stress, or just feeling numb, being afraid people will abandon me.

At a halfway house, on suicide watch I was handed a book, and on the front cover all those sypmtoms were on it and I diagnosed myself because everyone of those symptoms were ME.

The author of the book said that Borderline Personality Disorder was not a mental illness, but rather a physical illness just like my diabetes.

Once I understood that I could tell people like your friends who tell you its all bull shit that it isn't. I ordered the book directly from the author and when people "don't get it" I can show them in black and white that I have a phyiscal/mental illness and I am not ashamed. People get cancer and they are not told it all bull shit.

Being 15 and in love with someone 3,000 miles away is not bullshit, its being 15 and human. 15 year olds fall in and out of love sometimes on a weekly basis, or even daily. It is Normal.

Cutting is not normal, but I cut too at times and so does most everyone on this board. So don't be a stranger. WE support each other. Sometimes we cop an attitude, and say things like "your 15 get over it" please don't let that stop you from coming here or going to the new site at PSYKE.org We are here to help, and even to just listen. Love and Hugs...Dawn

Re: :::Crying:::I Am Dying From Self-Mutilation, H
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Dec 28 04:31:01 2001 (#13101)

Hi Jordan, I'm Rhonda and I don't cut, but my daughter started when she was 14 after being raped by someone she considered a friend. She also went through threatening to kill herself if we didn't let her see her boyfriend. The problem with that was, she was 16 and he was 26!!!! She thought she was so much in love with him and he had her believing we were evil. He was into witchcraft and got Tara believing she was a witch. After we got the police involved and his CO in Texas, he was in the army, we or Tara never saw him again. So much for him loving her forever. Long distance relationships are hard enough for adults to keep in line, much less teenagers. I don't doubt your feelings, but this will be hard to keep going. As far as your friends, you might try giving them some material to read about SI. If they understand it, maybe they will start believing you. You can always come here and there will be people to help you. Please take care of yourself and if you ever want to talk, just email me. Love, Rhonda

Re: :::Crying:::I Am Dying From Self-Mutilation, H
Posted by Jen on Fri Dec 28 06:25:36 2001 (#13107)

Oh god i hear ya. but suicide isnt the only answer.. i dont know who said it but someone once said " everything will work out in the end, if it's not working out, it's not the end" think about killing yourself. it would be like a really good movie with a terrible ending. Thats probably not what you really want. Think of all the years that you could live, and make a happy ending. You will eventually have the chance to meet this guy who lives thousands of miles away.. if thats what you really want to do. I always said to the guy that ilove " sometimes good things have to wait" look forward to that day. If you end your life now, you wont meet him anyhow. I know how much being in love can ache in your heart. Especially when it is beyond your control and you cant be with that person when you want to be. Try... really try to look forward to a day when you can be... but learn to be yourself and channel your anger and pain through writing and singing. Thats how i have come to slow down on the cutting. I just read or cry or draw or do something else.. go out jogging. it may be able to help

My story
Posted by Jen on Fri Dec 28 01:02:16 2001 (#13096)

So im a sophomore now... it all started back in 8th grade. i Was a pretty girl.. not too popular at all.. and i'd just found the man of my dreams. He is still beautiful. I guess i could look back and say that i had everything that anyone could ever want. On the inside i was dying. I had always been a cheerleader, ya know the peppy type. Even my teachers mocked my enthusiasm and i pranced through the hallways. Secretly i knew i coulnd't pretend to be happy forever. My best friend had been in and out of the hospital for suicidal attempts,a nd i knew iw ould be right behind her. I admit the first tim ei cut, i had the intention to kill. Yes it might have been Naive and i've been lectured on it, but it was ona those things where it's just all too hard and you give up. My parents didn't seem to care much. after all i do live in a household with parents that are happily married, we have enough money, and im not an ugly girl so i have nothing to be depressed about. Well you see after the first couple times slicing my wrists to bits someone went to the school counselor. They asked me why i did what i did.. and i didnt know what to say. from then on it wasnt about killing myself. It was about the adreneline rush. It felt like all the tension and everything i felt would escape when i cut. Unfortunately they found the cuts on my wrists, and threatened to throw me into a looney bin. It didnt stop me. I just moved to my legs. Which i thought were too fat anyways so i covered them up with pants. i used to cry. I stopped making tears.it's like my blood fills that urge now. I know this is a really long and probably boring story, and that most of you wont get past this far but hang in there for me... So i had my friends backing me up. Most of em. When i was at rock bottom, i used to meet this one friend in the bathroom after lunch and we would both puke our food up. and when i slept at her house we would just say " 123 CUT" whenever one of us was upset and we'd hold our wrists in the sink and watch the blood go, It was like we were trying to help eachother. I always argued with people that i wasnt going to kill myself by doin git and they should leave me alone if it makes me feel better. But it didnt stop people from being concerned. 2 yrs later i have scars of THAT BOYS name carved in my leg. Hearts and all sorts of shapes and designs. the way i see it, it's art. sometimes i am ashamed though. I have started trying to eat like normal. i sleep when something is wrong. and i dont cut much anymore. Now the whole capri pant thing is in. I got a pair and people constantly ask " oh what happened" ya know the normal.. an di just say "life" ya know life happens. And you dont want to stop it. I lived because i had that man backing me up from the beginning. He helped me all the way through it and i knew that i had to make it so that i could tell my story.. only he really knows what went on. He was my best friend for the past year and a half. The only one i really talked to. He was just the guy.. ya know the one i sold my heart to. Well it's broken now. I think i was too much for him to handle... although sometimes i think i hate him for leaving me. i smile by day and cry or cut by night. i really do love him. because without him i wouldnt be here today. So i dont know where im going with this. I guess im trying to thank him for at least helping me build myself back up...even if he couldnt stay around. he'll always be the man of my dreams. i guess im saying to anyone out there that just being or having a friend can save your life. Even when it hurts you have gotta open up and talk to someone. and listen when they talk. you could save someone just by asking " whats up" just letting them know you care. i know how much it means. if anyone ever needs any help please e-mail me. i am more than willing to talk. online at least.. and i will admit now that i have never told my story to anyone but you and that man before

Re: My story
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Fri Dec 28 04:21:19 2001 (#13100)

you seem like such a wonderful person :)

Re: My story
Posted by Maggie on Fri Dec 28 05:14:48 2001 (#13103)

Dear Jen,

Thanks for sharing your story with us. I hope it helped you to open up with it. I'm sorry you've lost that wonderful-sounding guy...are you dealing with it okay now? I hope you hang around here for a while...it's a safe place to share anything you want, without being judged. This site has been upgraded at www.psyke.org, where many of the people here also post. Check it out.

From Maggie.

Re: My story
Posted by Jen on Fri Dec 28 06:08:09 2001 (#13104)

I seriously didnt think that anyone was going to read this or reply. it means so much to me that people did. I guess i am doing as good as can be expected for now... please e-mail me i would love to continue to talk to u

just another bad year or month or maybe just a bad
Posted by mego on Fri Dec 28 05:10:27 2001 (#13102)

have you ever known there was nothing left to hold on to?//and did you ever wonder what was wrong with you?// and when did you finally say that this is more than just a bad day// when did you finally give in?// to that razor on your skin//to that feeling that helps you breathe//when you have no other releif//have you ever lied awake in bed//crazy thoughts running through your head//did you ever know it is not a game// when people tell you that you are insane//did you ever know this is not your life//standing, scared, with a kitchen knife//did you ever wonder why//you could never seem to cry//and did you know the happiness//of the color red that makes a mess//when you finally start to relax//away goes that panic attack// and all you need is for everything to go away//just another bad year or month or maybe just a bad day...

Re: just another bad year or month or maybe just a
Posted by Jen on Fri Dec 28 06:12:00 2001 (#13105)

I wonder this all the time. I wonder when it will end. I wonder what kind of choices i want to make, i think the fact that it could get better tomorrow is the fact that keeps me holding on. maybe it sounds dumb, but if that idea helps even one person consider holding on, then i figure it was worth telling right? so

Re: just another bad year or month or maybe just a
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Fri Dec 28 06:50:37 2001 (#13108)

mego did you write that? its super good!

Re: just another bad year or month or maybe just a
Posted by mego on Fri Dec 28 18:36:16 2001 (#13112)

yeah, thanks

Re: just another bad year or month or maybe just a
Posted by star on Sat Dec 29 23:52:28 2001 (#13137)

wow that is amazing. i love u take care Amz xxx

26 dayz of no cutting and i've screwed up again
Posted by Bleeding Angel on Fri Dec 28 06:55:24 2001 (#13109)

well, i haven't... errr... hadnt cut myself in 26 dayz, then today i broke down and cut myself. it felt good but not like it used to. the pain wasnt there anymore... i cut, i saw the blood surface but there was no pain. cutting myself today helped me with the anger and frustration that i had pent up inside me for those 26 dayz tho... i let most of it out... theres still a lot of anger, hurt, and sadness in me tho... if i dont release it soon itz gonna either kill me ~or~ make me go insane... i started cutting when i was in 9th grade w/my friend. he got me into it b/c he used to carve stuff into his arms and legs and so i tried it one day and i carved a cross into my arm. i made it my birthday present b/c thats when i "perfected" it. i still have that scar but its faded somewhat and covered by a few other scars. after the cross i didnt SI for about 4-6 months then i recut my cross. i would do it when i got really upset. then after a few months i started cutting my legs when i got really upset. i went from cutting once ~or~ twice a month to cutting a few times a week. i only cut my legs tho... i was afraid to cut anywhere else. then about 3 months ago i started cutting my arm. i would always think about cutting my arm then one day i went into a blind rage and i cut up my arm. it felt good so whenever i cut i would cut my arm. there was more blood and more pain. i told only one person about my cutting then i ended up telling my best friend b/c she was gonna find out anyways. theyve both helped a lot and i'm grateful to them for that. there were two other ppl i told but they werent as helpful as my best girl friend and my best guy friend. unfortunately i messed up tonite and i have to start over. i just hope i can do a better job this time. i dunno tho. a part of me likes cutting and wants to keep doing it b/c it helps the inner pain but then theres another part of me that wants to stop b/c of my friends and b/c i know deep down its wrong. i dunno what else to write... theres so much more to say but i cant say it...

Re: 26 dayz of no cutting and i've screwed up agai
Posted by Shining star on Sun Dec 30 00:56:45 2001 (#13139)

Sweety u didn't screw up.... u made a mistake and every person in the entire world makes mistakes.... i make mistakes, u make mistakes, parents make mistakes.... please don't blame ur self.... if u ever need ne help thru ne thing IM me at D1sturbed4L1fe and i'll talk to u.... God is here for u and i can be too

robyn

We don't "screw up" we vent
Posted by Dawn on Mon Dec 31 05:23:27 2001 (#13157)

Hi. I'm Dawn. I'm older. I've been cutting for 12-13 years. and did many other things to gain some kind of control of life. Some of it was criminal like shoplifting, growing pot, and popping pills. Nothing changed until I started working on the things that caused the pain in the first place.

I see thousands of people light up cigarretts when they wake up and have to face a day, and some cannot even drink coffee without a cig, or whatever else causes them stress. Yet still them smoke.... and not one says "I screwed up"

I believe in God. I trust him with my life even when I am untrustworthy with it myself.

I don't count days, alcoholics count days and reward themselves and get their chips and congrats from their fellows in recovery from alcohol addiction.

Our addiction is to bleeding, making scars, feeling our frustrations flow from inside us and down a drain. But the next day, or even the next hour the pain laughs at us and say, "Ha Ha, I'm still here do it again" and counting days doen't matter.

I wrote about my life from start to the day I stopped writing on paper and I took my life story to the printing company and had it copied and bound. I gave copies to my children and kept a copy for myself. And something changed in me.

Another very important thing I have learned is that our lives are like onions. We peel them away and each layer makes us cry over something new. And if crying and cutting is all we do with it we take what is in one layer to the next and the pain is doubled, and so on and so on UNTIL WE DO SOMETHING TO STOP THE SITUATION THAT IS CAUSING US PAIN.

For me it was starting to tell people that I cut because I was raped and I have flashbacks where I reexperience the rape. But for me it is worse because I tell them the numbers of people who raped me, touched my body, asked me to do things prostitutes do, and that a few rapists paid me afterward and because I was young and in auto-pilot mood I took the money and bought some food and a sparkling blouse.

When I cut it is for a reason.... not because I screwed up counting days of being someone's idea of good, because I had not vented in a way that is socially acceptable like smoking or drinking.

I'm not Bad.... I don't believe anyone on here is bad because the succume to venting their feelings with a blade, or whatever else we use. I personally find blades painful and I'm not into pain so I use something else.

Please don't take on yourself more shit. If you don't cut one day good. If you do the next. Tomorrow is a new day. Live it the best way you can. And each morning you wake up count it good, because maybe that is the day you can release your pain without a blade. Love and Hugs...Dawn

Re: We don't "screw up" we vent
Posted by Bleeding Angel on Tue Jan 8 09:26:54 2002 (#13285)

hey people! Happy New Year! i just wanted to say thanks to Dawn and Robyn for their posts on my message. you guys helped me to not feel like i screwed up. as long as i try my hardest to stop then itz ok if i fall back once in a while. itz not a bad thing. i still feel guilty after i cut tho b/c i feel like i should be able to stop and not make my friends worry about me. i feel bad b/c they do worry. lately i've been venting by writing poetry instead of cutting so... i hope i can keep this up. the last time i cut i cut up my arm and leg. :( the cuts are healing but the scars are gonna stay there for a long, long time. ::sigh:: sometimes i hate wearing short sleeves b/c you can see the scars and the friends that know about my "problem" always ask me about the scars and if i have any new ones. i know they're only doing it b/c they care but i hate having them ask and then scolding me about it. i came to them for help not to be lectured and now i can't see them or talk to them w/o being asked about my "problem." i mean, we all have our own ways of dealing with life and venting and this is mine... itz different from the norm but it works for me. they make me feel so guilty about it. i regret telling them a lot of the time but sometimes they do help me. i dunno... on top of the rest of the crap i have to deal with my "mom" finally decided to call and talk to me. i didn't really wanna talk to her. she makes me so angry! she stole stuff from me and she makes me feel like shit when i don't give her money or do stuff for her. i hate it! i wish her and my "father" would just go away and leave me alone. i want all my stuff back from her and then i want her to leave. they both make the bad memories flood my thoughts and it drives me insane... grrr... it makes me upset just thinking about it and i feel like i wanna cut so bad! i better go to sleep before i get really upset again. ::sigh:: tomorrow is another day... hopefully it'll be better... Blessed Be!

Withdrawl
Posted by RealityBandage on Fri Dec 28 18:12:21 2001 (#13111)

To prove to someone I love that I love them I have forced myself to stop everything. At night the withdrawl from pain killers affects me so bad my entire body starts shaking and i get so cold. I haven't cut in about a month...pain killers 2 day, and muscle relaxers 1 day. I'm still depressed but life has to get better now.

Samantha

Re: Withdrawl
Posted by Emma on Sat Dec 29 00:54:11 2001 (#13121)

Well done babe, thats really cool. i've never had to stop medication but i've had to try and quit smoking before and that was awful, i didnt manage, but you sound like a really strong person inside baby, please stay strong and determined. You'll do it. love and hugs emm xxx

Re: Withdrawl
Posted by RealityBandage on Sun Dec 30 07:48:50 2001 (#13146)

I haven't tried to stop smoking yet...i think i will after this whole pain killers thing passes though. It's not good since i play basketball. :(

new years
Posted by mego on Fri Dec 28 18:44:48 2001 (#13113)

on new years i'm gonnna do somemthing, drink, get high, nell is talkin about trippin or rollin even. i said i'd only trip or roll if tim was there cause he made me promise i wouldn't do it without him cause he wants to take care of me if i have a bad trip or whatever. she doesn't know if he will be, and i keep thinkin that maybe i should anyway... we've planned it so many times and everything gets fucked up, one way or another, so i should just do it. right now if she had some acid or x with her, i'd do it in a second cause i dont really give a shit. but my mind always changes like that. i dont know what to do, either way, i know i'm getting fucked up. what a great way to start the year. crazy and making an ass outta yourself, and then forgetting half of the night. fun!! but someone, please give me some advise on this.

Re: new years
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Fri Dec 28 19:30:38 2001 (#13115)

don't. just don't.

think about all the stuff your going to do. think about what it could do to you. for the new year i am making myself give up drinking. and i guess all drugs. but i have not smoked weed or done acid in about 3 months.

Re: new years
Posted by Dawn on Mon Dec 31 05:32:33 2001 (#13158)

Mego: the way you bring in the New Year is the way you will decide to do it. I brought in many fucked up. And I will tell you this life was the same in the morning.

You are the one in control, but you can change your mind and your plans, and by doing so set the year off with change instead of the same old shit-different day.

I'll pray that you don't find yourself in some of the places I found myself in when I did drugs. Many times talking to God all night was the only thing that kept me alive. Love Dawn

new years i am going to...
Posted by jen on Fri Dec 28 18:47:54 2001 (#13114)

i am going to drink at a friends house there is going to be like 10 guys and like 10 girls the parents aren't home my friend and i are going to get drunk it is going to be awesome!!!!

Re: new years i am going to...
Posted by confused on Tue Jan 1 12:09:13 2002 (#13176)

hope you had fun.

hope you didnt do anything 'bad' though

hello!!!!!!!
Posted by Heather McDoanld on Fri Dec 28 20:13:58 2001 (#13117)

Hey everyone,

Re: hello!!!!!!!
Posted by Dawn on Mon Dec 31 05:34:43 2001 (#13159)

Welcome Heather, what is on your mind.

hello!!!!!!!
Posted by Heather McDoanld on Fri Dec 28 20:19:42 2001 (#13118)

Hey everyone, i dont know if any of you remember me it has been a while since the last time i posted here...i really miss the people that helped me through my hard times..it has been over a month since the last time i cut my self and im doing and feeling much better..i just thought i would come by and say hello to everyone here!!! And also to let some of you see it does get better..it did for me!

Re: hello!!!!!!!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Dec 29 18:12:59 2001 (#13134)

Heather, I'm so happy to hear you're doing better. Take care and drop by more often. Love, Rhonda

375
Posted by Doris on Fri Dec 28 20:49:22 2001 (#13119)

Hi,

Looking around I see a lot of new names. I don't even know if people are here that remember me. I used to post on this board a lot, and I just wanted to tell people that, aside from one of two minor slip-ups, it's been 375 days since I quit SI-ing. I just wanted to share. If I can do it, anyone can. Believe me.

I hope everyone, old and new, has a happy and healthy and safe holiday season and a happy start to the new year. God speed and God bless.

Doris

Re: 375
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Dec 29 18:21:59 2001 (#13135)

Hi Doris, Are you the same girl who used to post on the suicide board? I used to read that, but I never would post on it. Congradulations on stopping SI. That is great! My daughter,Tara, has gone 7 or 8 months now without cutting and I can't tell you how proud of her I am. She has worked very hard. Anyway, take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: 375
Posted by jes on Sun Dec 30 00:56:24 2001 (#13138)

hey, i don't know if i ever spoke to you but i read ur posts. well done :-)

Re: 375
Posted by Doris on Sun Dec 30 05:25:17 2001 (#13143)

Thank you :)

Re: 375
Posted by Doris on Sun Dec 30 05:24:30 2001 (#13142)

Hey Rhonda,

Yeah, I used to post on the Suicide Board too, until recently. Thank you for your kind words. I remember Tara... I left this board a long time ago, but she posted every now and then and sometimes on the Suicide Board. I don't think I ever spoke to her personally, but she seems like good people to me. And that means her mother must be pretty special too. :) Thanks again.

Doris

Re: 375
Posted by *me* on Sun Dec 30 01:30:18 2001 (#13141)

Doris! I remember you! I don't know if you remember me, bc I was sort of still new when you left. But you are an inspiration, and I even have some of your poetry printed out that I keep in this little packety thingy I made that has poetry and stories and stuff that I read when I'm really depressed. Anywho, 375 days...wow...that's terrific. I don't know what else to tell you except that is REALLY great and takes a lot of guts to do.

Lots of love, take care and stay safe!!

Re: 375
Posted by Doris on Sun Dec 30 05:30:14 2001 (#13144)

HEY! How could I NOT remember you?!? You were one of my favorite people to talk to on this board. Thank you for your kind words. Funny... "inspiration" is my favorite word in the English language. I think, however, that it's a bit much for me. :)

I appreciate everything you said, and for being there for me when I was a member of this board. Without this board I could not have gotten through some rough times. I also learned a lot about myself by posting on this board, and I know your posts were a big part of that. Thanks for your friendship and take care.

Doris

Re: 375
Posted by *me* on Wed Jan 2 21:06:22 2002 (#13192)

Hey...way to make me feel special! lol. And you really were (and are) an inspiration. You always have something kind and loving to say! And look - you've gone over 375 days (haha, I'm too lazy to figure out how many days have passed since then) without cutting - and anyone who cuts knows that that is remarkable!

Anyways, I hope you have a happy and blessed New Year. Lots of love, take care and stay safe!!

Re: 375
Posted by Doris on Thu Jan 3 02:13:14 2002 (#13205)

:) Thanks, hun. You're too sweet. Take care of yourself and stay strong.

Re: 375
Posted by elle on Sun Dec 30 16:40:40 2001 (#13149)

hey! good job! i love you!

Re: 375
Posted by Doris on Sun Dec 30 19:24:55 2001 (#13153)

:) Thanks, hun. Love you, too. Take care of yourself, okay? :)

Doris

Re: 375
Posted by confused on Tue Jan 1 11:53:08 2002 (#13174)

this really is the only negitive thing here and dont get me wrong i think its great that you havnt cut for so long.

but its just that i managed to not cut or hurt for like a month but i got disapointed with my self for not doing it. is that fucked up or what

Re: 375
Posted by Doris on Wed Jan 2 05:11:41 2002 (#13186)

Hi,

I'm no expert, but I guess when you do something long enough, when it's the only thing you know, you start to lose yourself if you stop doing that. Does that make sense? Maybe you got disappointed because you felt like you stopped doing the one thing that - you thought - made you who you are. But that's not all that you are, I hope you know. I'm going to stop blabbering now, okay? Take care, confused. :)

Doris

Cutting because of depression
Posted by Lauren on Sat Dec 29 03:16:39 2001 (#13123)

Ok..first off, Im depressed off and on, and its definately on right now..my dad wont let me go over my boyfriends house (being the 13 year old that I am..my boyfriend is the most important person in the world to me right now) but its ok with my mother and my boyfriends parents, me and my mom and dad sat down one day and talked about it, and he made it seem as if I could, I asked him about it today and after putting words in my mouth about me only having a boyfriend to be able to tell my friends about it, he left, taking my sister to our cousins house, Ive been in my room for the past 2 days, sneaking out to get beer and to clean my knife, I cut because it shuts up my tears, I cant describe it, but if my dad would trust me a little more I wouldnt do it, there is so much to explain but I dont want this long..if you could please give me advice about confronting my father and getting a yes about going over my boyfriends house I would very much apreceate it, you dont know how much that would mean to me, thank you..

-Lauren

Re: Cutting because of depression
Posted by Erin on Sat Dec 29 04:40:53 2001 (#13125)

my mom can be like your dad too. she doesnt trust me much either. I'm not really sure how to make your dad trust you more...unless you told him about your cutting but i dont know if you would want to do that. I'm sorry. I just wanted to respond...I'm not real sure why...maybe just to tell you your not alone and I know what you mean when you cut yourself to stop the tears and everything. I hope everything gets straightened out and you can email me if you like. see you later

almost fell off.
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Sat Dec 29 05:46:17 2001 (#13127)

whew, just hanging on by a thread, by the way, hope you had a merry christmas, but yea, old drew almost cut up real good.... I don't know why, I just wanted to cut so badly, I got out my little cutting things and sat in bed and almost pealed myself (arms) but I'm still good.

this isn't exactly the post I wanted, but my g/f and best freind are just around the corner watching t.v. and I must be takeing my leave now.... T.T.F.N.

drew :)

Re: almost fell off.
Posted by CryingRedTears on Sat Dec 29 17:33:32 2001 (#13132)

hey-congrats on not cutting...it's always an accomplishment---

you have just experienced a mind dribble by: brittany