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Threads 3101 to 3150

wow
Posted by *Poison on Sun Nov 25 15:44:39 2001 (#12206)

wow is all i can say. this board has been VERY active lately. i come back from about 2 days of not checking it and there are like over 200 new messages!!!!!!!!! i can't keep up!!

KoKo

Lost Children
Posted by *Poison on Sun Nov 25 16:17:47 2001 (#12208)

I just wrote this as i was writing it...the title came to my mind as i was reading some posts...and well i'm happy cause i haven't written anything in forever so i post it here as a thanks for inspiration

Lost Children By: ME (Amanda Kirkland)

forgotten child, that's who i am, left to wither and die in a crib so cold and foreboding

the lemmings of the night, feeding my soul keeping me alive in this world of pure longing, for hopes of a better life

"This too shall pass" they say as they days tick by with not a sign of encouragement the body...weakening..the strength to endure no longer present. as death tolls

-pure firey hell.. crucifying my body with just a sliver of life to continue feeling the pain.

left to fend for ourselves all of us deteriorating into ashes of loneliness, our minds-beaten into oblivion containing hatred and insecurities beyond our control.

We are the lost children waiting... waiting... falling....

Re: Lost Children
Posted by Sliver Wolf on Sun Nov 25 17:59:49 2001 (#12210)

that was wonderfull!!!!! I love it ... you are very good I hope to hear some more!!!! Bright Blessings

Re: Lost Children
Posted by kim on Sun Nov 25 19:19:19 2001 (#12221)

that was just wonderful...you have a really great talent right there, keep it up!

no pain
Posted by Melz on Sun Nov 25 18:10:11 2001 (#12211)

I'm new here, but i've been a cuter for awhile. I just cut my leg this morning and it didnt really hurt, so i went over it again and again, i could feel the skin being cut, but it didn't hurt. Why didnt it really hurt?

Re: no pain
Posted by kim on Sun Nov 25 19:21:24 2001 (#12222)

i cant really answer that...but one reason i think that when i cut and it doesnt hurt is because i am already hurting so much inside, it actually almost feels good to have hurt somewhere else

Re: no pain
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Nov 27 01:55:15 2001 (#12347)

It probably didn't hurt at first because you're body and brain were protecting you from the pain. But it probably hurt after a few hours when that feeling wears off. It's like when you break your arm, you're in kind of a shock for a while, then it's starts hurting. Please keep the cuts clean, okay? Take care. Love, Rhonda

Poem
Posted by Silver Wolf on Sun Nov 25 18:27:52 2001 (#12213)

Liveing in oblivion ,liveing in hell,loseing all hope,no one to tell,life is a joke a morbid sick game,I shudder in fear,am I insane? shattered dreams,terrible lise,loseing my faith,soul slowly dies. hide from myself,stagger and fall bury more pain behind my wall.pray for my death,release from this life,degreading existance,I bring out the knife.the pictures I carve,the life that I bleed,permanant scars,on misery I feed.confusion sets in as the mind goes blank,I manage a smile and my blade I thank,my world grows darker as my body goes numb,I will be forgotten by many,possibly missed by some.my breathing slows down and I feel so damn old,but the world I am leaveing is so fucking cold.my heart bearly beating,my blood on the floor,I just kept on loseing,why bother keeping score,the pain is now gone,I;m no longer bound,could this be the peace I have finaly found,as I take my last breath,I open my eyes,a tear drops to the floor....I'm free from the lies.

this is how I have been feeling here latly!! I hope its not to bad I have never really been able to put what I feel into words!!

Re: Poem
Posted by Melz on Sun Nov 25 18:35:21 2001 (#12214)

I like that, i feel the same.

Re: Poem
Posted by kim on Sun Nov 25 19:25:05 2001 (#12223)

that poem it beautiful...i wish i couls express myself like you

Re: Poem
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 26 06:36:36 2001 (#12279)

I think it's great... Gosh am I a suck up? I hope not, but I really do think it was good. Becky

k.... I hate shrinks.....
Posted by lys on Sun Nov 25 20:46:12 2001 (#12230)

well, I just thought I would check in (I am at my paretns, on their computer) and I am waiting for my laundry (I love it that they have a washer/drier). And I am now on 2 meds, and in a few weeks, I may be on more. Well, 95% chance he will prescribe more. And that just blows. I mean, I am on celexa (been on it before, makes me lose weight) and some sleeping pill (why do they prescribe addictive drugs to me?) And yeah, I hate shrinks. I had to see the guy in a hospital, and I almost had a heart attack, I was so terrified he was gonna commit me. major panic attack and dissociation... not cool at all. Especially since on the way out I let it slip that I did have a plan for suicide. I actually have 3. I figure I could combine them easy enough.... but enough of that.... I am doing pretty good, and I haven't been cutting all that much, although I almost had to get stitches on monday.... oops.... well, I should go eat and have a smoke, so take care....

Re: k.... I hate shrinks.....
Posted by Melz on Sun Nov 25 21:15:06 2001 (#12231)

I hate shrinks too, they think they know everything. I'm on two meds: effexor (doesnt do shit, but have to take it cuz im adiccted) and levolyxx. And the shrink my parents make me see asked me if i had a plan for suicide, but i didnt want to tell her my precise plan so i just said no. Can they really put you in a hospital if you have a plan for suicide?

Re: k.... I hate shrinks.....
Posted by kim on Sun Nov 25 21:26:25 2001 (#12233)

i'm gonna be the shrink everyone loves one day...hehe...but yeah i want to set my life to helping people like us......

Re: k.... I DON'T hate shrinks.....
Posted by Nuni on Sun Nov 25 21:55:44 2001 (#12237)

Hi You all, I know I dont post as often as I use to but.... ok. Here it goes. I think you havent found the SHRINK that can or is clicking with you. The thing is (we know this) that until one is ready to give up cutting one wont. It may make a difference to take meds (i dont know, I CUT and my shrink doesnt feel meds will help) still.. about the death plan. We all have one of those I think. For me, things become more clear because there will be an end result. My plan was to die by age 30. I am 28 and still cut... but I know that my session with my DR help. As much as I would like to think I hate him sometimes, I am straight with him and tell him everything that I possibly can during our sessions. It helps. But like I said before you have to decide as individuals when it is your time to work towards not cutting. I get there sometimes and I get scared... but slowly I want to believe I am getting better. Ok, so i probably said too much. You all take care. Nuni

Re: k.... I hate shrinks.....
Posted by RealityBandage on Sun Nov 25 22:48:14 2001 (#12242)

I didn't read through all of these but I thought I'd put in my comments. LOl, my mother wanted to take me to a shrink and I told her if she even tried to I'd run away. She apparently believed me.

Re: k.... I hate shrinks.....
Posted by the boy in the bubble on Mon Nov 26 23:01:29 2001 (#12334)

my last appointment got cancelled i worried and was aprehensive for ages before it and it didn;t even fucking happen. i have never had the same one twice

face up repent and pay the price for accidentally creating life

is getting help worth the trouble
Posted by carina on Sun Nov 25 21:24:45 2001 (#12232)

I'm new here...but newayz. I've been cutting my arms for about a year now-it's getting out of comtrol and I need to know if it's worth getting help-hwther that's goig to the doctor or whatever r are they justgoing to see me as some sort of melodramatic goth that has nothing better to do but take a razor to her arms? xx

Re: is getting help worth the trouble
Posted by kim on Sun Nov 25 21:46:09 2001 (#12235)

people that "can" help you see this kind of stuff a lot...so they are not going to look at you like you think they will. i have never gotten help for my cutting, and i don't really want to. this is the one thing i have control of i dont want it taken away from me. i think that if you feel that you really do need help then i think you should get some. but only if you want to and no one else is forcing you.

Re: is getting help worth the trouble YES!!
Posted by Nuni on Sun Nov 25 22:02:26 2001 (#12238)

Ummm it does help. Just make sure they are people that have experience with those of us who SI. Also, as far as I know they (dr's, counsellors) arent in the business of taking what is keeping us alive away from us. It is how we cope to our problems and those that are familiar to SI know that they would cause more harm than good by "taking it" away. kim, therapy for SI wont work unless you talk about it and are ready to stop. You're right it is all yours, and noone CAN take it away from you. I havent cut in two weeks, but always carry razors with me. FOr security. I am 28 years old and i have been cutting since i was 14 or so. I can relate to a lot of what you say. NUNI

Re: is getting help worth the trouble YES!!
Posted by kim on Sun Nov 25 22:43:46 2001 (#12241)

well what i am afraid of is if i do get help for SI that i will have to go somewhere else...there is a clinic near where i live where they, whoever they is, sends teens that cut and are suicidal...but most of the kids that go there only do it for attention and flaunt it like it is nothing. i am not like them and i dont want to be with people that are like that, that run around school showing off their arms like it is nothing. and i dont want to leave. i am also afraid that if i get help i have have people watching over me all the time, so i wont be able to cut...i need to, so i can stay alive

Re: is getting help worth the trouble YES!!
Posted by carina on Sun Nov 25 23:24:32 2001 (#12244)

I know exactly how you feel kim-when one of my friends saw my cuts he was like-yeah everyone does it at some time you'll grow out of it...but I cant get through the day without cutting myself and I'm scared that a doctor or whatever would put me on drugs or somehow take my blades away from me at which point everything really would all collapse.

Re: is getting help worth the trouble
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Nov 27 02:02:05 2001 (#12349)

Yes Carina, it's worth the trouble to find someone to help you. I honestly don't think my daughter would be here now without having gotten some help. She went through 3 or 4 therapists before she found an amazing one. He has really helped her so much! Of course, it's a lot of hard work herself, but she has stuck with it and turned for the better right now. Please consider finding someone to help you. It may take a while, but it will be worth it. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: is getting help worth the trouble
Posted by Dawn on Tue Nov 27 05:33:29 2001 (#12373)

There is so many good therapists out there. But like Rhonda said, it may take awhile to find the right one for you. If you are a prayer, ask God to direct you to the right one.

I am a talker, so I need someone who will let me talk things through and confirm I'm on the right track.

Other modles of therapy may be behavioral oriented and have a no harm clause, where if you cut you cannot see your therapist for a week. (I fired the therapist who laid that on me.... Hell when you cut you need to see a therapist then.... a lot can happen in a week)

I would not be alive if I didn't have #!God, #2therapist, #3medication to balance out my moods without making me droopy.

Wish you well.If you want to talk email me

grr...fathers
Posted by kim on Mon Nov 26 02:12:07 2001 (#12246)

okay what the hell is up my fucking dads ass? he keeps saying these fucking rude ass comments to me about nothing. i swear to god if he threatens to hit me one more time i am going to flip out. i dont need him and his fucking shit now. he thinks he scares me i could fucking care less...god i hope he fucking dies...at least then my mom could be happy. i am seriously just going to break down...i cant take this anymore...

...

Re: grr...fathers
Posted by kae on Mon Nov 26 03:56:04 2001 (#12249)

maybe hes just shitty at the moment....and maybe he has some sort of anger-management problem. he shouldnt b hitting you, dads arent supposed to do that.

if you're not happy with him, u should say something to your mum. tell her whats going on and that you two dont get along and that hes being a right fuckn arsehole. (maybe not in those words but y'know) nobody should b living with that kind of stress, no parent should hurt their child like that. if you cant talk to your mum about it, you should sort it out with someone at school, a friend or a counsellor. this isnt right.

i hope you'll be okay.....you sound like such a nice person, you shouldnt be living in this kind of pain. nobody should.

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: grr...fathers
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 26 05:50:20 2001 (#12267)

I know exactly what you mean. Ahh dads I just want to scream. My dad use to hit me when I was little (although once when I was younger I mentioned it to him and he totally denied it.) But just hang in there, but you have to get out of that situation. It's not good. Go to someone older someone that you can trust. You can't keep it all in. Your hurt has to come out and you can't keep hurting yourself as the outlet. But ok i kind of got off the subject, but please talk to a counselor or someone that can help you it's not a good situation. Take care of yourself. Becky

My family
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 26 03:47:03 2001 (#12248)

Yesterday my brother told me that I'm an immature teenage. And I'm a waste of his time... That all started because he always touchs my arms or legs and everytime I tell him not to touch me so I guess he finally got pissed at me for saying that all the time, but I thought he would get the hint that I didn't want him to touch me, but oh well and my parents backed him up because they said he didn't have anyone, but I said that I'm not his girlfriend so him hands shouldn't be on me at all... So my other brother (I have 5 brothers) he told me that I should have just gone through with my suicide attempt because it would have caused less trouble. I can't help but think he is right... Last week my sister saw some really deep cuts on my arms and today she asked me if they were healed yet. I refuse to show her because my family would just never understand. She knows about some of my cuts and lately she has been hitting me excatly where I have cuts. I don't know for sure why she does it, but it hurts so bad and I can't even show that it hurts because then she'll know that I still have cuts there... Becky

Re: My family
Posted by kim on Mon Nov 26 04:05:07 2001 (#12250)

okay dont let anyone ever tell you that you should have killed yourself...do not listen to them, just ignore them and tell them to fuck off. my boyfriend does the same thing...he will hit me right where my new cuts are. i dont think he means to i dont know he says sorry and all. i jsut dont know anymore. and i can also relate to the whole brother thing. i was drunk at my borthers house and i was talking to my so called best friend, (ever since she told him we have not really been friends) about how my arm hurt or something and my brother was asking her what i was talking about and she told him and i just like agreed with it and told him everything and he just called me a sicko and shook his head and walked away. i think i embaresed him in front of all his friends and i felt really bad. but one of his made a comment about how her old friends used to cut because they were bored. and i fliped at her. my brother has never really talked to me the same way after that, we used to be soo close i would tell him everything of course except the fact that i cut. it really bugs me that since he found that out he thinks i am a total different person when i am still the same person he knew...he just knows my secret.

Re: My family
Posted by kae on Mon Nov 26 04:10:10 2001 (#12252)

fucking hell........that is so not fair!! why is your family so cruel to you?? no wonder you feel so bad....christ, i dont know how i would hack that. i would be doing exactly what you are doing.

your brother touching you is so fucking wrong, i dont even know him but i want to hurt him bad. its sick and wrong. the guy who raped my best friend has also touched his sister....and hes being charged with indecent assault, thank god. people like that have no excuse, they're just sick. even if your brother isnt as sick as this guy, its still damn wrong to touch your own sister, in whatever way.

how the hell can somebody tell someone else - never mind their own sister - that they should have died? fuck!! im pretty sure that he would have just let it slip in the heat of the moment, and not meant it....i hope he didnt anyway. he probably just wishes that you werent in so much pain, and that things werent as shit as they are....he just has a funny way of showing it.

as for your sister showing such little compassion towards your si - maybe thats her way of trying to make you stop. she may think that by hitting you on your cuts, you will realise that you cant resume a normal life if you continue to si and will stop.

i get the ideas that your family is lost and confused as to where your feelings are concerned. its as though they have given up on trying to understand why you feel so depressed and are dealing with it in negative ways, ie, taking it out on you.

i think the only way to help the situation is to either write a letter to them (that way they cant interrupt you in the middle of your saying something, and you can get all your thoughts out) or think seriously about living elsewhere. how old are you? if you are old enough to make your own decisions concerning where you will live, i reccommend you live with someone else. a friend, maybe. just have a break from your family, mabye....

i hope this helps....luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: My family
Posted by Melz on Mon Nov 26 04:52:10 2001 (#12260)

How old is your brother? That is just sick. Get outta that house girl, your family is soo mean and unfair and gross, excluding you

Re: My family
Posted by Silver Wolf on Mon Nov 26 10:19:51 2001 (#12291)

Becky, get out of there!!! they are doing you no good even if they think that tough love will set you strat !!we as SIers!! don't like to be pushed!! if you need a place to go my door is always open!! as I am sureso are others!! hang in there...keep your strangth and get the hell outa there!!! Bright blessings

Re: My family
Posted by jes on Mon Nov 26 15:14:01 2001 (#12304)

it's hard trying to hide it but stay strong and know that they don't know what they're talking about. xxxx

Re: My family
Posted by Tara on Tue Nov 27 02:07:08 2001 (#12351)

God, I'm so sorry about your family Becky. No family should treat one member that way. My opinion is they all have the problems, not you. Anyway, I know that doesn't help any. I wish I knew some words of wisdom to help you out but sometimes I just draw a blank. This must be one of those times. Know that I am thinking about you tonight and will say a prayer for you. If you ever want to talk, just email me. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: My family
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Nov 27 02:08:50 2001 (#12352)

Sorry, the post is from me, not Tara. Must have hit the wrong button. Rhonda

its not good when blood turns dark and gushes
Posted by Dawn on Mon Nov 26 04:09:38 2001 (#12251)

I taped my 2x2s so tight my hand turned purple, then I unwound it till it didnt, I'm going to hospital.

My insurance co. insists I call Dr before going to hospital, so I called the answering service. the doctor came on the phone and i said I cut myself and the jerk said, "then don't cut" and went on to tell me bacically to leave him alone if i cut and need stitches "just go to the hospital. I'm going

Re: its not good when blood turns dark and gushes
Posted by kim on Mon Nov 26 04:28:21 2001 (#12256)

what an asshole..not you...the doctor...grrrrr

Re: its not good when blood turns dark and gushes
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 26 05:31:08 2001 (#12265)

If that isn't good then I seriously have a problem... Dawn I care about you no matter how much I try to push you away. It's not you I'm just hiding from my feelings. Please be safe and get your arm checked out. Becky

Re: I got a vein
Posted by Dawn on Mon Nov 26 10:20:47 2001 (#12292)

This time was not so deep but I cut or nicked a vein for sure the ER doctor said and he stapled it so the vein would heal. I am to call my therapist in the morning.

Please forgive me for upsetting anyone with my response to Alana. I did not intend on going where I went, and then I was in a time warp fighting off dogs.

I need to stop hating my body for things other people did to it.

Maybe my past is too much for this board. Maybe I should find some place else on just watch non violent videos for awhile.

This whole ordeal has wore me out I walked a half walk to and from the hospital and waited there for three or four hours. Now it is almost 1:30 in the morning and I'm tired.

Re: I got a vein
Posted by star on Mon Nov 26 12:17:56 2001 (#12297)

sweetie i can feel your pain its so horrible, dont ap[ologise for venting tyour anger and fustration this is the place to do it, i hope your arm is ok and heals if you need to talk please please mail me i would love to talk to you. God bless and keep you Amz xxxx (star)

Re: I got a vein
Posted by jes on Mon Nov 26 15:19:44 2001 (#12305)

you don't need to apologise for venting. take care and ignore your twat of a doctor. xxxx jo

Re: I got a vein
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Nov 27 02:14:03 2001 (#12355)

Dawn, honey, I hope you got some rest. YOu take care of yourself as you are special to me.Don't worry about the venting, things happen and you have to get it out. It's better than keeping it locked up inside you. Talk to ya later. Take care. Love, Rhonda

no one cares!
Posted by tessa on Mon Nov 26 04:27:19 2001 (#12254)

i started because i was so sick of having to tell everyone that i was depressed. i thought by cutting myself i could show them. the friend that i told were upset at first, but now they never talk about it and never ask how i am. why dont they care that i'm hurting myself?

Re: no one cares!
Posted by kim on Mon Nov 26 04:33:53 2001 (#12258)

you do not know for sure that they do not care. they might just be so confused. they are not going through what you are they do not know how you feel. they have no idea why you would want to do that to yourself. try and talk to them, ask them why they do not care. tell them why you cut. if they dont seem to care you have to find out why. if they are your true friends i am sure they care very much, everyone reacts differently when finding out that someone they love hurts themslevs...i dont know what else to tell you...just try and talk to them

Re: no one cares!
Posted by jesse on Mon Nov 26 05:26:01 2001 (#12263)

i know what u're saying is right, but i can't help but feeling that if they were my true friends that i wouldn't have to tell them what was wrong. i feel as though ive already took a step by telling them i'm doing it and now it's their turn. do u know what i mean? maybe i'm just being stupid.

Re: no one cares!
Posted by tessa on Mon Nov 26 05:26:11 2001 (#12264)

NOPE NO ONE DOES CARE
Posted by ,,,VäMpyRë§s ,,, on Mon Nov 26 05:33:02 2001 (#12266)

SHUT UP!!! ATTENTION SEEKING LITTLE BITCH!!! ITS PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT GIVE OTHERS WITH TRUE PROBLEMS TO SHAME.. YOU NEED TO GROW UP AND STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF, IF YOUR GONNA SLASH YOURSELF DO IT DESCRETELY OTHERWISE ITS DAMN OBVIOUS ITS ONLY FOR SHOW AND THAT YOU DONT FEEL TRUE PAIN.. OF COURSE THEY ARE GOING TO IGNORE THIS THEY THINK YOU ARE PATHETIC WHICH IS WHAT YOU ARE, YOU GIVE SO MANY PEOPLE A BAD NAME NOW FUCK OFF AND SLIT YOUR WRISTS PROPERLY CHILD.

Re: NOPE NO ONE DOES CARE
Posted by kae on Mon Nov 26 09:13:03 2001 (#12287)

ouch, girl......that was really harsh. ok, we all have our own opinions but if they're negative, its best not to voice them....

ive had experience with ppl who 'pretend' to cut as well, and it fucks me off just like it fucks you off. but we dont know tessa at all, and we dont know what her situation is really like, so its best not to jump to conclusions.....im guessing that something or somebody has upset you badly at the moment, because ive read your posts and you sound nice. please....email me if you want to talk.

tessa, if you've read ,,,VäMpyRë§s ,,, 's reply, dont take it personally.....just let it ride, ok? stay on this board and tell us more about yourself!

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: NOPE NO ONE DOES CARE
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Nov 27 02:19:44 2001 (#12357)

Tessa, Please dont' listen to the negative comments made by someone who doesn't know you. Although I will say a prayer for Vampyregs tonight. There are plenty of people who care about you and will help you if they can. STay and give us a chance. If you ever want to talk, just email me. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: no one cares!
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 26 05:55:19 2001 (#12268)

Tessa, NO people do care... I care I don't know why I just do. Listen to jesse or kim (whoever suggested it) talk to them tell them how you really feel and if they are really your friends then they will show you, but be prepared for them to not care as much as you think they should. I just dont' want you to be disappointed if you realize that you don't have as many true friends as you had hoped. Take care. Becky

no one cares!
Posted by tessa on Mon Nov 26 04:27:33 2001 (#12255)

i started because i was so sick of having to tell everyone that i was depressed. i thought by cutting myself i could show them. the friends that i told were upset at first, but now they never talk about it and never ask how i am. why dont they care that i'm hurting myself?

i don't really know what to put here...
Posted by sara on Mon Nov 26 04:31:34 2001 (#12257)

ok...i'm obsessive compulsive, i mean that is a given...but i don't know...everytime i cut i cut in groups of 4...and the groups are multiples of 4 which is just not safe not at all...but i always think i am winning the battle but i always fall...harder...i just can't win...like today...completely stupid...i tried to check myself into the hospital today for cutting and anorexia but i didn't..sara

Re: i don't really know what to put here...
Posted by kim on Mon Nov 26 04:41:33 2001 (#12259)

i do the same...i have to cut in even numbers, i have like a fear of odd numbers being on me

what do i do?
Posted by jesse on Mon Nov 26 04:58:47 2001 (#12261)

when i first started cutting i told one of my friends. it was like a secret i just had to tell someone. plus she's been through everything with me anorexia, bullimia u name it. but when i told her about the cutting she started doing it too. since she's started doing it im doing it even more.its like i'm competing with her. i have to have more cuts than her and they have toolook worse. when i see a new cut on her i get crazy. it's like i'd do anything to beat her. if i keep going at this rate i'll be dead soon. what do i do?

Re: what do i do?
Posted by ...VäMpyRë§s... on Mon Nov 26 06:01:50 2001 (#12271)

stop being so childish that is what you do, if you feel the need to cut then yeh.. go ahead.. cut.. Dont show her your cuts.. and maybe she wont compeat.. do it alone... dont let her think that its a competition.. you both sound as imature as each other, stop being so pety, it is pitiful and stupid, people cut for a reason, not for competition.. how old are you?

Re: what do i do?
Posted by ...VäMpyRë§s... on Mon Nov 26 06:02:17 2001 (#12272)

Re: what do i do?
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 26 06:08:33 2001 (#12273)

Jesse, I dont' really know what to tell you, but be careful! It's hard, buttry not to look at her cuts. Maybe it would be better to stop talking to her as mcuh.(at least not about cutting). You can't hurt yourself because someone hurts themselves if you knwo what I mean... Please be care full. Gosh I feel like a retard. I'm telling you people not to do teh thing that i just now did. I'm sorry I feel horrible. but if it helps any just knwo that i care. Becky

Re: what do i do?
Posted by ...VäMpyRë§s... on Mon Nov 26 06:17:55 2001 (#12275)

FOR FUCKS SAKE I WISH YOU LOT WOULD STOP LICKING EACH OTHERS ARSES AND ACTING LIKE THE FUCKING GOOD SAMARITAIN.. ITS PATHETIC STOP WITH THE LOVEY DOVEY SHIT RAAAA!!!!!! TELL THE TRUTH FOR ONCE THATS THE ONLY WAY PEOPLE WILL BE HELPED

Re: what do i do?
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 26 06:27:21 2001 (#12277)

you know what before i pass out from this shit i just have to give it too you. you offically won the damn fuckign award for beign the biggest ass hole. Today i had no goos reason to cut, but i did adn now I'm going to thrown up because i lost so much blood. People are hurting dont' be so cruel. sometimes people need to be loved by other people so they can realize that nothing is worth hurting yourself over. Gosh what am i saying... I can't think straight. Everything is spinning and my words are like echoing in my head... Ahhh what am i sayign i need to go to a hospital... Hey I'll post tomorrow and tell everyone how it goes... TAke care I forget what this post was about. Becky

Re: what do i do?
Posted by kim on Mon Nov 26 22:05:03 2001 (#12330)

becky...i hope you are okay...i really do...and for vampy or whatever, dont even fucking post on here if you dont fucking care about anyone then yourself...you selfish piece of shit...go ahead say you are not slefish...if this was true you would not be taking your anger out on someone else to make yourself feel better...grr sorry

Re: what do i do?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Nov 27 02:27:27 2001 (#12360)

And the way to help them is to basically cuss them out and tell them to grow up? Can I ask how that would help? Some of these kids already have enough people telling them they should just curl up and die and I think it helps to know they have friends over the internet that really do care and want to help. If you have friends, do you treat them like you treat the ones you've responded to? Doesn't it make you feel a little better to hear someone say they care about you? LIke I said in an earlier post, I will say a prayer for you tonight, wither you want it or not. That's just the way I am. Take care. Love,Rhonda

Re: what do i do?
Posted by ...VäMpyRë§s... on Tue Nov 27 21:52:46 2001 (#12400)

Jesse, hey sweetheart, I didnt write that post having ago at you, I have no idea who it was, someone has been using my name on here, I am really sorry :(.. Also to the rest of you, please dont outcast me and ignore me now, as I said, it wasnt me that was being horrible :( Love Always ...VäMpyRë§s...

Long, pointless rant....I'm sorry it's so long
Posted by tawnia on Mon Nov 26 06:00:43 2001 (#12269)

Hey. My name’s Tawnia, I’m a 20/F from Canada and this is my first time writing something here. My friend Chris introduced me to this site last week. I’ve just been reading other people’s posts for the past few days, but now I have decided to write something myself. I’m not really sure what I’m going to write ~ I just need to vent for a while.

I’ve been struggling with my depression for about 7 years now. For the first 4 years or so, I managed to hide it rather well from the people in my life (mostly my family, because when I got depressed, I became extremely anti-social). Then, in grade 12, everything just sort of came to a head if you will, and it all fell apart. I went from being a 90+ average student to literally not even being able to copy a one-page note from the board. I went to the doctor’s, was exempted from my exams, and dropped out of school a few weeks before graduation (but still managed to graduate because of the exemption). I can’t really remember the first time I cut, but I remember just having a sudden, over-whelming need to do it. I was in so much emotional pain, but I couldn’t cry; I couldn’t get that release, so I cut and it helped so much, like I somehow knew it would. When I dropped out of school I went on anti-depressants and they worked, but when things got better, I thought I could do it on my own, so I went off the meds. The past 2 years or so have had their ups and major downs. I tried taking a couple of courses at night school (the Ontario school system is kind of messed up. If you want to go to university, you have to go back for grade 13 AFTER you graduate, to get 6 Ontario Academic Credits. Anyhoos…..), I tried going back and even though I started off strong, near the end my focus was completely gone and I just stopped caring. I went back on the meds about a month ago, but it’s not working this time. If anything, things are just getting worse and I’ve become more self-destructive then I’ve ever been.

I have no appetite whatsoever. I’ve lost 15lbs in a few weeks which isn’t that much, but some members of my family have become really worried and I’m being “watched”. At first, it was simply that I wasn’t eating because I wasn’t hungry, but now? I don’t know. It’s like I’ve becoming afraid of eating anything fattening. The other night I ate a Big Mac. It was the only thing I had eaten all day and even though I didn’t really want it, I ate it anyhow. Then I started thinking about how much fat is in it and I made myself throw it up. I realize it’s not that big of a deal, but it is self-destructive and it’s something I’ve never done before. Chris is going to kill me when he finds out, not to mention how upset he’s going to be with me :c(. I told him that my not eating was not intentional and it wasn’t, but in the past few days it seems to have gone to shit. But I'm more worried about him and how he's going to react than anything else. I also started smoking this past month. I’m 20 years old and before this month I’d never had so much as a drag, and now I’m smoking even though I have an extremely high rate of cancer in my family. In the past week, cigarettes have also become a new form of self-injury for me. Based on what I’ve read on here, a lot of people have their own “thing” when it comes to cutting (whether it's what they use, or how many times they cut, or whatever). Mine is the location; I always use my left wrist. I’ve gone from just cutting to now holding my wrist over my lighter or even putting my lit cigarette on my flesh. I really don’t know. This isn’t what I had intended to write about when I started, but this is what came out. I’m going to post it anyhow, just to see if anyone responds. I’m sorry it’s so long.

Like the stars above…..’til I die

Tawnia

Re: Long, pointless rant....I'm sorry it's so long
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 26 06:18:55 2001 (#12276)

Hey, so depression for 7 years. whoa that's a lot... I'm glad you hung in there though... Going to school was a good idea because you know mayeb studying will take your mind off of hurting yourself. The cigarette thing, I've done that too many times. I dont' smoke anymore, but occasionally I'll get a cigarette from someone and then repeatedly burn myself with it. (I'll put it out on my skin and then I'll relight it stupid i know.) but I don't really know what to say that might help, but keep comign to board. There are smart people here who unlike me will be able to help you. take care. Becky

Re: Long, pointless rant....I'm sorry it's so long
Posted by hughey on Mon Nov 26 07:19:35 2001 (#12282)

tawnia, welcome to the site i just got on here myself, but there seem to be many caring people who have been through a lot of shit. i have been cutting for ten years now. its a way to feel anything at all...just to know your still alive. i cut a lot last night it bled lots so i guess im still alive. i tried to kil myself,but it only bought me three weeks in the hospital psych ward. i just got out last fri. oh well theres always tomorrow. they were very nice and understanding in the hospital if anyone is thinking of going to check themselves in. im just as fucking depressed and still may kill myself but in the mean time i can still cut. dont worry about your friend so much you have to focus on yourself, and getting better if thats what you want. hang in there --hughey

RE: hughey's answer
Posted by tawnia on Mon Nov 26 08:37:56 2001 (#12284)

Thank you to you as well for responding :c). It really is great to have access to so many caring people, but more than anything else people who can actually EMPATHIZE! I try to talk to people in my life about it, but unless it's something you have the desire to do or have done yourself, it's not possible to completely understand or advise on (at least, that's been my personal experience). This may be somewhat pretentious of me to say, but please don't kill yourself. Would it help if you went back to the hospital maybe? If not, keep coming here and doing what you have to do, but don't kill yourself.

As for my friend, Chris. He understands first hand what I'm going through, and he really is one of the best things I have in my life. I don't really know how to fully explain it, but my desire to not upset him is not because I'm concerned with how my hurt (and what I do b/c of it) effects other people; it's because he is my support and I love him. I try to be good to myself for him, and I hate when I disappoint him. If it wasn't for him, things would be a lot worse. So, yeah. I don't know.

Like the stars above.....'til I die

Tawnia

Re: Long, pointless rant....I'm sorry it's so long
Posted by tawnia on Mon Nov 26 08:25:50 2001 (#12283)

I just wanted to thank you for your response *hugs*. I'm not really sure what to say about your comment about not being smart, coz I know how it is and what not. But I've read some of your other posts, and I want you to know that I do value your opinion and just having people respond helps some, so thank you.

Like the stars above....'til I die

Tawnia

Re: Long, pointless rant....I'm sorry it's so long
Posted by Alana on Mon Nov 26 07:09:14 2001 (#12281)

Hey...a friend of chris' is a friend of mine...and a fellow Canadian, how peachy. Well what I wanted to say is I sympathize with your story in the retrospect that I completely understand the HATE towards OAC! What a bitch of a year. I'm the last class to take OAC, so university is going to be twice as hard to get into. Ain't like just grand up here in Ontario. Uhmm, nope.

Love, Alana

Re: Alana's answer
Posted by tawnia on Mon Nov 26 08:41:50 2001 (#12285)

Yeah, OAC's are a bitch. And I wasn't supposed to be in the double year, but b/c I dicked around, I'm going to be ~ sucks to be me *L*. What's even worse is that my younger brother is already in college, which makes me look like even more of a failure. Oh well. Thank you for your response, Alana :c).

Like the stars above....'til I die

Tawnia

Re: Alana's answer
Posted by kim on Mon Nov 26 22:15:18 2001 (#12331)

pleaaasssee do not compare yourself to your brother...i do it all the time...well not as much as my parents do..but yeah thats a whole other story... the only way you can get through this is by focusing on yourself and not anyone else...i'm glad your here

What have I done?!?!?!?!?
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 26 06:01:37 2001 (#12270)

Oh no this isn't good. I cut too mcuh this time... My blood keeps coming and I'm feeling physically sick... My head is kind of heavy and my whole body aches... I have like this achy feeling like when you have the flu... My temperature isn't right and I'm kind of light headed... I'm feeling weak and I'm getting heat flashes. I think I need help, but I told my friend adn she's just like "it's your life" I hate when she says that. I'm gonna get help for this. gosh please pray for me people aren't gonna take this well... painfully your, Becky

Re: What have I done?!?!?!?!?
Posted by ...VäMpyRë§s... on Mon Nov 26 06:14:05 2001 (#12274)

shit girl, go and get help, ring someone. do something get yourself to hospital thats bad.. GO NOW!!!!! Love always.. VäMpyRë§s

Re: What have I done?!?!?!?!?
Posted by Alana on Mon Nov 26 07:01:35 2001 (#12280)

I hope you're ok! There's no shame in getting help. You need it. I need it. We all need it.

Good luck!

Love, Alana

Re: What have I done?!?!?!?!?
Posted by tawnia on Mon Nov 26 09:09:06 2001 (#12286)

My thoughts and prayers are with you, hun, but make sure you get yourself to the hospital (I know this is kinda after the fact, but that's ok). As for your friend...well, I'm going to assume she doesn't cut, so don't expect her to understand (I know that's hard. She's supposed to be your friend; regardless of whether or not she understands, she should at least be supportive of you. But, as we all know, people suck. Keep coming here, hun, and get support from the people here *hugs*). I know that's what I plan on doing.

Like the stars above...'til I die

Tawnia

Re: What have I done?!?!?!?!?
Posted by kae on Mon Nov 26 09:26:50 2001 (#12288)

i get that feeling sometimes, but only just after i cut and it only lasts a few minutes....this is really serious. you're obviously suffering blood loss and god knows what that could lead to, shock and all sorts. GET OUTTA HERE and into a hospital!!!

please, girl.....!!

luv n' hugz, kae

Re: What have I done?!?!?!?!?
Posted by star on Mon Nov 26 12:28:25 2001 (#12298)

Sweetie you really need to get help and quick i hope you are ok, my prayers are with you please be careful you gotta pull through this. God bless and keep you safe Amz xxx

Re: What have I done?!?!?!?!?
Posted by jes on Mon Nov 26 15:26:15 2001 (#12306)

i hope you're ok hun. xxx

Re: What have I done?!?!?!?!?
Posted by megz on Mon Nov 26 17:20:42 2001 (#12315)

I've only just red ur message and other people's replys.We all hope and pray u will be ok.plz get sum help,fuck knows i probly need it to,though my situation aint as bad as it has been.While ur getting sum help try getting sum new friends too.I'm not saying u should ditch the one u've got,but close friends who UNDERSTAND what ur going through will help.We're all ur friends,even sum 1 like me who's only started going on this site and don't know any 1!!!

Re: What have I done?!?!?!?!?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Nov 27 02:34:09 2001 (#12362)

Becky, I truly hope you're okay. Please let us know how you are doing. And please take care of the cut when you get home. Keep it clean and dry. Take care. Love, Rhonda

...VäMpyRë§s... PLEASE READ!!
Posted by kae on Mon Nov 26 09:33:58 2001 (#12289)

hey ....what's wrong?? you posted two very abusive posts aimed at tessa and jesse (um, are they the same person?) and then you suddenly posted one to Dying2Die, telling her to get help and being all concerned and stuff....

i dont know, it just seems like you went from extremely angry and hating - you said that we all lick each others arses!! - and then to being all sweet and concerned....im not saying its wrong but i will say that its strange....what happened??

i thought maybe someone had hacked into your email or used you id name on here.....?? i dont know......please explain!!

kae

Re: ...VäMpyRë§s... PLEASE READ!!
Posted by ...VäMpyRë§s... on Mon Nov 26 16:59:17 2001 (#12312)

Hi sweetheart, I have no idea who posted the abusive messeges, I just read them, that is awful, I think someone used my name on here or something, I would never write things like that, I apologise to you all about this, I am working on finding out who it was, once again, Sorry. Blessed be, my love is with you all ...VäMpyRë§s...

Re: ...VäMpyRë§s... PLEASE READ!!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Nov 27 02:35:57 2001 (#12364)

I hope you find out who posted all those horrible things in your name. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: ...VäMpyRë§s... PLEASE READ!!
Posted by kae on Tue Nov 27 06:35:49 2001 (#12374)

thats good.......i was sure that it wasnt you!! i hate ppl who pinch other ppl's names, i say 'FUCK OFF LOSER' to whoever has done it. i knew you sounded too sweet in your other posts to have suddenly changed like that!!

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: ...VäMpyRë§s... PLEASE READ!!
Posted by ...VäMpyRë§s... on Tue Nov 27 21:41:36 2001 (#12398)

thanks... yeh I hope I find out who it is too, I am very annoyed grrr! Love Always ...VäMpyRë§s...

Endings
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 26 13:17:09 2001 (#12300)

I've lost another friend, but this time I deserved it. You know who you are and I'm truly sorry that it ended. All my pain will die with my dad, and then I'll die too because my whole life is this pain... May God bless you all. maybe I need a break from here because I've obvisously said to much... but I'm just wondering how do you know if you need stitches? I'll see you all someother time... Becky

Re: Endings
Posted by Emma on Mon Nov 26 14:57:35 2001 (#12303)

Baby, dont worry its okay. Everyone needs a break sometime, I really pray that you are okay hunney, and that if you ever need help you will come back and talk. Please take care God Bless and Protect you Em xxxxxx

Re: Endings
Posted by megz on Mon Nov 26 16:16:43 2001 (#12310)

Everyone needs a break from time.If i were to have a break every time i needed one,i wouldn't even be where i am-i'd be on a permanent holiday! =) I can understand how life can be a total shit face,but sometimes we've got to get on with stuff.Every time you do get on with something you think you really can't face up to,think of it as an achievment.Trust me there's a good chance of it helping.I really hope it does.And i hope you,the others and i will find our own peace and happiness some day soon.

nothing really...cud utrn out to be a long nothing
Posted by jes on Mon Nov 26 15:57:33 2001 (#12307)

k, first, i got my appointment thru. it was supposed to be 6-8 weeks. but no, it's next tuesday (4th dec). i don't mind so much now. i can do it. but i'm not sure how much to say, i don't wanna be locked up ir anything and i don't know how crazy what i think is. so i dunno. hmmm. i got invited to go out with my friends to this club, i really wanted to go, but last time i went i had to leave early because i was freaking out about the guy who was my friend being there. i didn't know what to do. so i decided the thing to do was to get some base (speed). it worked, i danced (which i can never do unless i'm too drunk to know what i'm doing or even stay awake for longer than 5 minutes at a time), i wasn't worried about him being there, and i had a good time (apart from worrying about getting drunk and not being able o stop myself if this guy who was coming on to me carried on. but i just told my friends to come over n help if he was coming too close, which was good) and it was just a good night. now, i don't have a problem with what i did. i hardly ever do it and it helped. but i think i've really disappointed my friend by doing it. or upset her. or both. i dunno. i didn't want to. but i wanted to go out. i wanted to leave him behind for just one night. ok, it'll stop after this. once again my eating habits are causing problems. this time with my dad. although some other ppl have said things about how i need to put some weight on. it's not like i'm doing it on purpose. i eat when i feel hungry, and at the mo' i'm not hungry very often. i haven't really lost that much weight, i mean, it's only a couple of pounds (about 4 in the last week). but i'd just put that back on. i'm now back to about 7 and 3/4 stones. i don't want to lose too much weight. i couldn't stand anymore hassle on top of what i already get from him. but i don't want to put it all back on again. i don't want to go back to 8.5 / 9 stone. i don't want to. ok, there will be certainppl who will now be worried about me again. but can i just say thati'm nt purposely controlling what i eat, if i'm hungry then i do eat but when i feel like tbhis, my appetite goes to shit. and the not wanting to put on the weight? i thinks it's only natural. no-one wants to gain that muchweight. i probably sound like i'm making excuses here. maybe i am. but i do not have an eating disorder. i just don't like it when my belly sticks out. i'm fine how i am. ummm, i think that's long enough for today. i don't want to bore you too much. take care everyone. xxxxxx jo

Re: nothing really...cud utrn out to be a long not
Posted by Melz on Mon Nov 26 16:05:20 2001 (#12309)

Fathers suck. If your not hungry, dont eat! ok, Take care!

Re: nothing really...cud utrn out to be a long not
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 26 23:05:59 2001 (#12335)

I've been losing weight lastly and my father is like the only one that notices and that's just sick, but anyway. Well sometime I dont' eat because in my head food is a good thing and when bad things happen I don't think I deserve it. But I never eat lunch or dinner so I'm only on a one meal a day thing, but I see what you mean usually it's not a problem with eatting disorders, I just dont' wait up early enough to eat breakfast and I'm too lazy to pack a lunch. But oh well i know where you are comign from, but just wondering, what is a stone? I have never heard of that. you must live like I dont' knwo, but not around here. oh well just to let you know we go by pounds... See ya... Becky

Re: nothing really...cud utrn out to be a long not
Posted by jes on Wed Nov 28 13:34:36 2001 (#12423)

hey, i'm on the on meal a day thingy too, but hey-ho, sometimes it's more, or i make up for it in the evenning. a stone is, um, i think it's a bout 14 pounds, but don't quote me on that, it's something lkike that. so if that;s true, then i weigh about 110 pounds. or something like that. i'm in england by the way. :-) take ccare, xxx jo

Re: nothing really...cud utrn out to be a long not
Posted by star on Wed Nov 28 15:11:41 2001 (#12424)

I guess im the friend? i aint mad at you i was just disapointed i guess that you needed drugs to dance with me etc i thought you were just deciding to dance anyway i guess. Also dont worry bout moose seriously from what ive known hes pretty harmless just a bit over-sexed lol. ill leave the eating thing..dont want a argument take care xxx

Re: nothing really...cud utrn out to be a long not
Posted by jes on Wed Nov 28 17:46:03 2001 (#12433)

there's nothing to argue about.....nevermind.

Re: nothing really...cud utrn out to be a long not
Posted by star on Thu Nov 29 12:24:21 2001 (#12526)

well there seems to always be an argument when we talk about your eating tis all i meant x

Fight
Posted by Melz on Mon Nov 26 16:00:32 2001 (#12308)

I got in a really big fight with my dad last night, and he is really mad at me. I can't even stand to look ot him anymore. The fight was about me cleaning my room, stupid, i know, but he wanted me to do it 'now'! A 30 minute yelling lecture about how 'he is the boss, and i do what he says, no questions', also how he is fed up with me and how im a lazy worthless peice of crap. I couldnt get to sleep last night, so i carved an x on my upper thigh, it helped take my mind off my dad. I need to leave home too, but i have nowhere to go. Uggghhh i hate my family. (sorry for whining, just venting)

Re: Fight
Posted by megz on Mon Nov 26 17:07:31 2001 (#12313)

hi melz.i just red ur message and decided to write u a response.suggestion for ur"livin @ ome" problem:why don't u move into a flat with a m8 or 2?Getting a job ur really interested in livin wiv ur m8s what could be more fun?

Re: Fight
Posted by Melz on Mon Nov 26 17:16:03 2001 (#12314)

I don't have any friends that i could live with though. They all live at home.

Re: Fight
Posted by megz on Mon Nov 26 17:44:31 2001 (#12318)

how old r u?

Re: Fight
Posted by megz on Mon Nov 26 17:55:58 2001 (#12320)

i'm 15,just incase u were wondering.From what i've red u aint sed nothing about ur mum and i was just wondering how she feels about u s.i-ing (if she knows) and how she feels about what ur dad says to u.If u don't want to talk about ur private life stuff or if u want me to shut up and butt out then u just let me know coz i don't wanna go upsetting u or any 1 else on this site.I hope u rite back soon. megz

Re: Fight
Posted by Melz on Mon Nov 26 19:42:37 2001 (#12326)

i'm 15 too. My parents dont know about my s.i. And my mom, doesnt say anything to my dad cuz he'll yell at her too, so she just stays out of it

poem 2 other s.i'ers
Posted by megz on Mon Nov 26 16:41:50 2001 (#12311)

Smiles can be strong,so can be tears,but some of them are false,and brought on by fears.The privacy in our minds,is the only we hold,our secrets and descretions,not wanting to unfold.Hiding the unknown,is a trick we've learned to play,we can hide our delicate scars,every second every day.We've all gotta stick together,cos they don't understand,how we're all feeling,in our fucked up land.None of us are alone,we've all got each other,we can talk and communicate,for something to hide or cover.I remember when i first started i thought i was the only one.my whole world was utter hell,my sorroundings were a con.It's ok to cry,we are here for you,we know how you're feeling and what you're going through.Cos we've all shared the pain more than a hundred times,we've all stumbled across at least a thousand mines.

Re: poem 2 other s.i'ers
Posted by alex on Mon Nov 26 17:50:26 2001 (#12319)

We all feel that one... deep inside we are all the same... i guess that is nice to know... yes... we are not alone.

poem 2 other s.i'ers
Posted by megz on Mon Nov 26 17:23:25 2001 (#12316)

poem 2 other s.i'ers
Posted by megz on Mon Nov 26 17:26:16 2001 (#12317)

Smiles can be strong,so can be tears,but some of them are false,and brought on by fears.The privacy in our minds,is the only place we hold,our secrets and descretions,not wanting to unfold.Hiding the unknown,is a trick we've learned to play,we can hide our delicate scars,every second every day.We've all gotta stick together,cos they don't understand,how we're all feeling,in our fucked up land.None of us are alone,we've all got each other,we can talk and communicate,for something to hide or cover.I remember when i first started i thought i was the only one.my whole world was utter hell,my sorroundings were a con.It's ok to cry,we are here for you,we know how you're feeling and what you're going through.Cos we've all shared the pain more than a hundred times,we've all stumbled across at least a thousand mines.

deep and painful
Posted by alex on Mon Nov 26 18:02:49 2001 (#12321)

i feel like i am in this hallow room(my skin) and my emotions on the inside are scrambleing around on the inside banging on the wall.... always constantly hurting... i hate it.... i get depressed about this... my screwed up past and everything that is happending right now....

i am at my last string... i want to be happy or leave this world... i am only killing myself slowly... and pushing everyone away... i want to let it all out... i wanna... be able to go outside and enjoy a beautiful day and not think about how screwed up my life is... i want to go out and think of nothing.... feel an over abundance of joy... like i used to have... and feel... where did it all go... where... i miss just being happy... i used to have so many friends that loved my... now they are all gone because i bring there day down...

i... just wanna be happy... and get rid of the scars... my whole body aches and yearns for peace... i just want to be happy or leave this world... i don't want to kill myself i just want it to go away... i feel like a baby who can't tell people what is wrong... i have to just sit by and cry until someone(or myself)figures out what i need... to calm my pain...

searching for peace...

Re: hope your there
Posted by megz on Mon Nov 26 19:15:38 2001 (#12325)

hiya megz here,i'm not quite sure if this is a poem or a statement thing but i just wanted to say that i can totally relate to what you've said and have also wrote poems about those feelings.I hope you don't mind me asking but how old are you,i know it shouldn't really matter but i'm interested.If you were wondering,i'm 15.

Re: hope your there
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 26 23:18:34 2001 (#12337)

Alex, hey I'm sorry, but I know what you mean... it's like on the inside, my emotions are screaming and tearing my heart to sreads trying to release themselves, but nothing helps. I don't feel as if I can go to people because they just won't understand. I also have a little sayign that goes like, "I don't want to die, but I don't want to live." I dont' know I'm sorry if I took you words wrong and this doesn't apply, but just wantted to help a little if I can... well take care of yourself. you seem like a nice guy (and that's a compliment cause i hate all guy because they are just so conceited.) anyway, but stay strong and take care ... Becky

Re: hope your there-to megz
Posted by alex on Mon Nov 26 23:24:44 2001 (#12338)

i am 18 years old...

Re: deep and painful
Posted by kae on Tue Nov 27 10:01:41 2001 (#12375)

that was so beautifully said...i can understand exactly how you are feeling. i could cry for reading it, its so emotionally touching.....

please stay on here and tell us more about urself. where are u from? how old r u? what are your hopes and dreams for the future?

luv 'n hugz, kae

deep and painful
Posted by alex on Mon Nov 26 18:03:03 2001 (#12322)

searching for peace... alex

bad day
Posted by cindy on Mon Nov 26 18:17:58 2001 (#12323)

I've had such an awful day...my boy friend's threatened to dump me if I carry on cutting myself...and I know that if someone misunderstands my situation that badly then he isn't worth it...but I really do love him. I;ve been cutting myself at every possible moment today and my arm aches so badly I daren't move it...everything just feels like it's spiralling out of control and I;m the only person who'd noticed or even cares for that matter. xox cindy

Re: bad day
Posted by megz on Mon Nov 26 19:10:17 2001 (#12324)

hiya cindy,my heart goes out to you.At the moment i'd love to just give you a big hug but as that's kinda impossible i'll have to give you a keyboard hug instead ((((HUG))) About 6 months ago i was in a relationship i never should've got into,but that's a different story,anyway,some where in May i met this guy who had the best personality ever,he wanted me for me.He had been a serious drug user before i'd got with him.About two months after we got together he phoned me and said he didn't think it was working out between us.While i was with him i was cutting myself but not very badly,he didn't like it because he once had a girlfriend who cut themselves she was only 15 and got put into "a special home"-sorry 4 the term i don't know what else to call it.I had a piece of broken glass from a coca-cola pint glass that my brother had accidently already smashed.So i grabbed it from my draw and cut myself badly.I got off the phone to him and burst into tears,my mum heard me crying so she came in my room and we ended up going to PMH.Long story,i know there is a point:a few weeks ago,i found out from one of his m8s that the reason why he finished me was coz he couldn't handle me cutting myself any more.Does your boyf actually understand anything about your prob?Maybe he's just so scared of losing you he lost himself and doesn't know how to handle the situation.Are you getting any help at the mo and do you have any 1 2 talk to?You can always contact me at my email adress if you need some advice or anything>megz

he doesn't understand
Posted by cindy on Mon Nov 26 20:03:42 2001 (#12327)

megz:-my bf doesn't have a clue-he thinks I'm going to suddenyl turn suicidal or something which is completely wrong...and he blames himself when really it has very little to do with him. I'm not getting any help-I'm scared of doctors etc. I dont want to be shoved into some psychological pigeon hole. atlking to people is difficult...if anyone ever sees my cuts they just tghink I'm doing it for attention or I'm being melodramatic or something so I've given up trying to talk to anyone because no-one can even be bothered trying to understand. xox

Re: he doesn't understand...cindy i am going throu
Posted by kim on Mon Nov 26 22:42:48 2001 (#12332)

cindy i am going through the same thing with my boyfriend right now..i am in love with him...he saved me from killing myself. he thinks the reason i cut is because of him, and i can see it hurts him. he doesnt understand at all. but at the end of a day when i can tell him i didnt cut and he is so proud of me it makes all the crap him and i have been through worth it. and if i do cut he just says there is always tomorrow. just try to tell him that he is not the reason you cut...make him know that

Re: he doesn't understand...cindy i am going throu
Posted by kae on Tue Nov 27 10:48:10 2001 (#12385)

ha......well my ex-boyfriend must have been one in a million.....at least yours cared about you! (even if they did have a bad way of showing it) my boyfriend kept asking me about the cuts on my arms and i kept feeding him bullshit about my cats because i wasnt ready to tell him. anyway when i broke up with him i finally told him (as part of my reason for breaking up) that they werent cat scratches. and he said "yeah i guessed...everyone has something like that, though. nothing to worry about."

it was like i'd said "hey i pick my nose."

ah well, he can get stuffed.

kae

Re: he doesn't understand
Posted by megz on Mon Nov 26 23:14:51 2001 (#12336)

i'm really sorry,i don't know if your still there but life's just been full of stuff,sum 1 i aint seen 4 2 yrs came over now me m8's on the phone i'm definately gonna be back tomorrow about 5ish i hope your @ this site @ the same time.i hope your ok .megz

i have cookies.
Posted by nobody in particular on Mon Nov 26 20:58:39 2001 (#12328)

this is what i want you can tell me i'm a selfish bastard or you can tell me that it was all my fault i know what you're going to say i've heard it all a million times from myself everything you tell me justifies my decision i never tried to blame you

and if i close my eyes i can remember the good times, the better times, the times i naively prayed wouldn't end, but what good is a prayer anymore?

because this is what i want and the knowledge that everything i am is all that i gave to me is easier to bear when there is blood in the tears.

Re: i have cookies-we are all just trying to cope
Posted by alexandria on Tue Nov 27 20:03:10 2001 (#12393)

I am sorry you feel that way... i wish i could be there for you and show you that you are worth more than just blood... we all have this in common and we can all be here for each other... we must accept everyones reasons for cutting and help them... i do it... you are not alone... i am sure there are a few who feel the same as you... don't beat yourself up for being the way you are... we are all just trying to cope...

alexandria

why do I have to resort to this??
Posted by cindy on Mon Nov 26 22:59:46 2001 (#12333)

I feel so weak and ashamed that the only way I can deal with all my problesm is through this awwful act of scarring up my arms-it feels so stupid and groundless and yet all I ever think of is how I want to bring out the razor blades and watch my pain bleed away into nothing. excpet that's never the way it works out. one cut leeds to two whihc leads to 50. it's an awful and painful vicous cycle...pain leads me to cut myself and yet cutting myself gives me inexorable pain. I;m only 17...I shouldn't be here doing this but I can't stop...

Re: why do I have to resort to this??
Posted by kim on Tue Nov 27 02:06:16 2001 (#12350)

don't be ashamed all of us here are going through the same thing...everything happens for a reason...good or bad. cutting to me is an addiction, as it is for many others...they are many people here to help...all you have to do is ask

Re: why do I have to resort to this??
Posted by kae on Tue Nov 27 10:07:53 2001 (#12376)

hey hun....we're all the same here. we share our pain and experiences with cutting and it helps to know we aren't alone. YOU arent alone, and we're here to support you. im 17 as well, ive been cutting for about a year and a half and i hate it as well. but its exactly like you said.....a vicious cycle that seems impossible to break.

i wish i had never known started cutting myself....its summer and im a mess.....but its good to talk to you about it. email me if you need to talk some more.

luv 'n hugz, kae

Alex is a girls name
Posted by alex on Mon Nov 26 23:28:27 2001 (#12339)

i wanted to say that i am a girl not a guy... sorry DyingtoDie... but i hope you are still cool with me

alexandria

Re: Alex is a girls name
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 26 23:33:50 2001 (#12341)

I'm sorry I didn't realize, but I knwo a few guys with the name alex. I'm sorry though, btu yeah you're still cool. I hate guys anyway... take care becky

Update
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 26 23:31:24 2001 (#12340)

Well just letting you guys know that I made it through the nihgt, but I'm still week... Today people thought I was high because I was acting weird, btu I think it's just because enough blood isn't getting to my brain. OH well... And it's horrible today I had gym and he made us run around alot, and then I had basketball practice, and I' so dead. I shouldn't hve worked as hard as I did, but i don't want people to know what is going on... I still feel sick, and I'm a little light headed, but I'll get better. And tonight i gotta run. I should be doing this, but I need to get in shape again... Anyway just letting you know I'm alive and thank you to everyone who posted to my post... Lol gosh I'm in such a weird mood, but oh well... Take care... Becky

Re: Update
Posted by kim on Tue Nov 27 02:11:22 2001 (#12353)

i am sooo glad to hear that you are okay...you scared me there for a little!! be careful babe!!

Re: Update
Posted by kae on Tue Nov 27 10:09:33 2001 (#12378)

look after yourself girl......and keep us posted.

luv, kae

Re: Update
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Nov 29 01:01:57 2001 (#12488)

I'm glad you're okay Becky. Take care and email if you ever want to talk. Love, Rhonda

WARNING: Maybe be TRIGGERING
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 26 23:41:03 2001 (#12342)

I must be mentally sick. Yesterday, oyu guys know about my little cutting thing, well i also made two pictures with my blood. The first time I let the blood drip all over my hand and then I put my hand print on paper. I also let it drip to add some more colors to it. The other picture was just splattered blood that dripped on it. I don't know why I did that, but I thought I just mine as well do something with all the blood I lost... I also made a bloody mess of my shirt, my pants, my sheets on my bed, and my pillow. I leaked on the floor too, but not as much... OH well why am I tellign you people this. You're all gonna think I'm stupid, Oh well I'm gonna let yous go... becky

Re: WARNING: Maybe be TRIGGERING
Posted by Melz on Mon Nov 26 23:57:35 2001 (#12345)

hey blood art... can you paint pictures with it? You should write letters in your blood too, lol j/k.

Re: WARNING: Maybe be TRIGGERING
Posted by kae on Tue Nov 27 10:43:49 2001 (#12384)

what the fuck are you on...??

you arent funny....you're obviously either too immature to know the seriousness of these situations or just being a pathetic bitch.

dont post on here again. just leave.

kae

Re: WARNING: Maybe be TRIGGERING
Posted by Melz on Wed Nov 28 18:13:42 2001 (#12435)

like i said before, laugh at it, its anly as serious as you let it be. Maybe your immature for blowing things way out of proportin.

Re: WARNING: Maybe be TRIGGERING
Posted by kae on Thu Nov 29 09:54:11 2001 (#12518)

honey, you've been here for what, three days? you dont know any of us....and that sort of attitude is so pathetic. it doesnt help anyone....you may think that taking the "who gives a shit" attitude actually helps us, but it doesnt...

we post on here to get out our feelings and be comforted by other people... not to have our experiences and thoughts laughed off.

thats as fair as i can be, and if ur still abusive after this, then GO TO HELL.

kae

Re: WARNING: Maybe be TRIGGERING
Posted by Melz on Thu Nov 29 17:05:09 2001 (#12535)

Nothing i said was intended to hurt anyone, maybe i deal with shit differently then you guys do. I don't know you, but people deal differnetly with things. Just chill, you guys have soo much stress and pain in your lives already, try not to curl up with your problems. Denial is not just a river in egypt. Live like there is no tomorrow, cuz one day there won't be

Re: WARNING: Maybe be TRIGGERING
Posted by kae on Tue Nov 27 10:15:03 2001 (#12379)

ive done that too.....there are spots of my blood all over my sheets, pillowcases, duvet and floor. it eventually makes my bed smell of dried blood, which i cant stand.

once, when i carved the word BITCH into my hip, i held a piece of paper to it so that the word was written on the paper in blood. it didnt really work coz it smeared together but it worked on the towel i used to stop the bleeding - BITCH was written backwards all over it. god...is that as crazy as it sounds? nah.

kae

why do u all need to bragg
Posted by people=shit on Wed Nov 28 21:03:32 2001 (#12451)

why do u feel the need to tell everyone when u've cut?! wenever i do it i dont want anyone to find out and there u guys r practically bragging about it all. the words 'attention' and 'seeking' come to mind

Re: why do u all need to bragg
Posted by kim on Wed Nov 28 21:40:46 2001 (#12453)

okay well most of the people here like myself probably do not tell anyone about their cutting other then on here...this is a place to ralate and help us feel like we are not alone. maybe you like feeling alone? i dont know...but we are all here to help eachother that is why we tell eachother when we cut and what we are feeling

Re: why do u all need to bragg
Posted by DyingtoDie on Wed Nov 28 22:08:09 2001 (#12458)

Fuck you ass hole... It was like the frist time I ever posted when I did it and what I did... I even said that i must be insane for doign it so that would mean i'm bragging about beign insane... that wouldn't make sense... Just fuck you all... Gosh people will never understand... Becky

Re: WARNING: Maybe be TRIGGERING
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Nov 29 01:04:07 2001 (#12489)

There were times when Tara wrote in her journel that she would cut and let the blood drip on what she had just written. So, no, I don't think you're stupid. Take care. Love, Rhonda

I seem to be triggering
Posted by cindy on Mon Nov 26 23:52:01 2001 (#12343)

a good friend of mine decided to see "if my way of coping with things worked" so he cut himself.. now I just feel like shit...I dont want him to end up like me..I dont know what today...please any help from anyone....xox cindy

Re: I seem to be triggering
Posted by kim on Tue Nov 27 02:24:32 2001 (#12358)

okay first of all it is not your fault. he just thought that since you cut that maybe it will work for him. he did not have to do this. you did not forse him to, or give him the idea that he should try it. he thought to cut by himself...please do not blame yourself for what he has done.

Re: I seem to be triggering
Posted by kae on Tue Nov 27 10:19:17 2001 (#12380)

i HATE ppl who do that.....but there must be something triggering about it to everyone. its happened to most of us on the board - my best friend started doing it too, which REALLY fucked me off because she acted like it was much worse than it really was. a few of the other girls on here have had similar experiences....its so annoying. its as though the control you had won for yourself by using SI is being taken away from you. like, someone else has wanted the benefits you've had from it and stolen it. FUCKS ME OFF.

kae

I hate guys!!!!
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 26 23:57:14 2001 (#12344)

I really hate all men... At school this one guy won't leave me alone. I don't get it, it pisses me off. We're in Math class and he sits behind me adn he has to find some way to have his hands either on my back or shoulders. or my hair... Ahh just some part of me has to be touched. I go to a small private christian school, and the guys there shoudln't be doing this. today we are in bible class, and he has to sit next to me of course. well we watched a movie about some thing which I couldn't concentrate on because I have this dumb guys touching my legs and his arm around my chair... I hate it so much... And in the hallways, he trys to tickle me around my waist, and he knows I'm not ticklish there so I dont' get it... I'm not even that pretty so why does everyone have to touch me? It makes me so sick and I feel like crap... But the thing isn't only with guys, my best friend was a lesiban (I had no clue I must have been stupid), but she always wanted to hug me, and I found out later that she use to like me at one time so I'm just so sick... I dont' feel like I'm worth anything... But I could see if I was just a push over adn I never said anything about people touchign me, btu I always say things like "dont' touch me"... Why dont' they get the point? I feel so used adn defiled... I'm only 17 I don't deserve this... And oh yeah this other kid (he's in 6th grade. My school goes k-12) he came over and grabbed my chest when I wasn't looking. I wanted to smack him, but if the teacher saw me then I would have gotten in trouble... And other times he'll come and smack me in the butt... Gosh this kid is in 6th grade and I'm in 12th and he's asked me out twice in the past week... I can't stand this anymore, but I'm afraid to tell someone... Someone please help me... I dont' understand why this is happending, I just feel so worthless... becky

Re: I hate guys!!!!
Posted by Melz on Tue Nov 27 02:12:23 2001 (#12354)

So, is the guy in your math class hot? lol

Re: I hate guys!!!!
Posted by DyingtoDie on Tue Nov 27 02:26:23 2001 (#12359)

fuck you... I hate people... Becky

Re: I hate guys!!!! this 1 is 4 melz
Posted by kim on Tue Nov 27 02:31:20 2001 (#12361)

you heartless little fuck...how the hell could you ask a question like that?!?! don't you see how much that guy is hurting her...you must have no idea what she is going through so shut the fuck up bitch...becky i understand you 100% you have to tell someone at your school what they are doing to you...please for me?

Re: I hate guys!!!! this 1 is 4 melz
Posted by Melz on Wed Nov 28 18:10:18 2001 (#12434)

it was a joke, you guys take everything so seriously, sorry if it hurt you becky, i didnt mean it. I do have an idea of what she is going through, and i learned the best way to get through it is with laughter. Laugh at the situation, and it makes it a lil better.

Re: I hate guys!!!! this 1 is 4 melz
Posted by kim on Wed Nov 28 18:59:40 2001 (#12439)

this isnt funny at all though...what if you were sharing how you felt and what you did, and someone made a rude comment or joke about it that was totally fucked up...think about it

Re: I hate guys!!!! this 1 is 4 melz
Posted by Melz on Wed Nov 28 19:07:34 2001 (#12442)

how was it rude?

Re: I hate guys!!!! this 1 is 4 melz
Posted by kim on Wed Nov 28 19:33:02 2001 (#12443)

okay i am not going to fight about this...i'm sorry...its your way of dealing with things sorry for not respecting it or agreeing with it...okay i am sorry...just forget it

Re: I hate guys!!!! this 1 is 4 melz
Posted by Melz on Wed Nov 28 19:41:07 2001 (#12444)

aww, it's ok, you were just defending a friend. i dont wanna fight about it either. I'll keep the funny Melz to myself, no more 'jokes' sorry for causing trouble.

Re: I hate guys!!!! this 1 is 4 melz
Posted by kim on Wed Nov 28 20:07:53 2001 (#12445)

no trouble caused...heh..sorry again :)

Re: I hate guys!!!! this 1 is 4 melz
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Nov 29 01:11:26 2001 (#12490)

It's kind of hard to laugh when you're being sexual abused and that is what seems to be happening. Becky, you've got to find someone to tell. This is serious. Please, for me. If I was there, I would punch them all out for you. And that little 6th grader, I would probably slap him then go slap his parents for raising a boy like that. Take care. Even if you hate people right now, which I completely understand, I hope you understand that I will never hate you. Love, Rhonda

Re: I hate guys!!!!
Posted by RealityBandage on Tue Nov 27 02:54:31 2001 (#12366)

I feel your pain...I really do. This guy has been obsessed with me since 4th grade :( He calls me ALL the time, I of course don't answer it. I mean, I'm nice when I say no but dammit I finally got fuckin mean. Just punch this guy or something because that's what I do if someone pisses me off...hehe.

Re: I hate guys!!!!
Posted by Emma on Wed Nov 28 12:20:02 2001 (#12422)

Awww thats horrible baby, unwanted attention is the worst, dont worry, just tell someon if you can and try not to let him see that hes getting to you Love and Hugs Emm xx

some girl in my school
Posted by jen on Tue Nov 27 00:15:36 2001 (#12346)

some gurl in my school alwasy peed her pants in class. one day i was taunting her about it and everyone drove her so crazy in study hall she took a pencil and jammed it in to her wrist from now on i feel like shit cause of what i said to her how can i handle this i don't know but i need to find out, sahe is now in what everyone calls "looney bin" i feel horrible she used to be in my art class but she has not returned back to school yet

Re: some girl in my school
Posted by grrr on Tue Nov 27 01:55:53 2001 (#12348)

you should feel horrible, you caused her to do it. You ruined her whole life, your a terrible person,i hope you feel bad about it the rest of your life, because you deserve it.

Re: some girl in my school
Posted by kim on Tue Nov 27 02:35:09 2001 (#12363)

you shouldnt have done that to her...but i know sometimes people can get carried away...just try and find out where she is...call her, write her a letter, something and tell her you are sorry and your there for her if she needs to talk...if you want to do that and you are sorry...

Re: some girl in my school
Posted by kae on Tue Nov 27 10:27:03 2001 (#12381)

people can be cruel....you werent the only one who was hurting her. i was verbally bullied a lot at school when i was younger and it hurts....really hurts.

the best thing you can do is to contact her. PLEASE do it. you'll feel so much better about it when you have. as kim said, write her a letter, phone her, visit her, anything. it would mean so much to her to know that someone cared....hell, i dont even want to imagine why she hasnt come back to school.

you have to put things right....then you will ease your guilt.

luv 'n hugz, kae

PS - keep us posted on what happens.

hello all
Posted by sara on Tue Nov 27 03:45:38 2001 (#12367)

hi...i've been away for awhile...i've come and read the board for the past 2 years but i just haven't...been getting lots of help, a whole lot..anyway, i see alot of new faces...anyway, i do hope that you all get better...i really do, and you guys can talk to me anytime...ok i'm really upset right now so this might me a bit triggering so just in case... 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 ok...today...i cut alot, i think i need stiches...i don't know waht happen...its like i was watching myself do it...too many cuts too much blood...see i was cleaning out my closet and there was a bad storm here and the lights went out and i freaked...all the memories of being physically abused and sexually molested from nanny i had when i was little and how i just wanted to protect my brother...and i went to the corner of my closet...pulled out an old sharp friend and yeah...and then theligthts went back on and then i didn't stop...and now i'm afraid...i have ballet and gymnastics tommorrow after class and i can't bend my arm (i'm typing only with my left hand) and now i'm afraid...i don't know waht the hell i did...i need help...if only i could cry...i almost drove myself to the hosptial but i didn't...

sara

Re: hello all
Posted by kim on Tue Nov 27 04:10:13 2001 (#12368)

i hope everything is okay...go to the hospital...please!! this is kind of off subject. but i used to do ballet too...it was my life i just stoped this fall. i had to...i couldnt hide the cutting anymore and dancing for 4 hours 6 days a week wasnt fun to me really anymore when all i could think of how un happy i was...now i am unhappy because i gave up a dream...but yeah...i really hope you are okay i will be praying for you

Re: hello all
Posted by kae on Tue Nov 27 10:29:56 2001 (#12382)

i think you better get help on this one....you could end up with a serious infection plus permanent scarring if you dont. go to your doctor and SOON.

luv 'n hugz, kae

Ahhhh
Posted by DyingtoDie on Tue Nov 27 04:47:28 2001 (#12369)

I feel so helpless... I'm destroying myself with every pump that my heart makes... The blood keeps coming because I keep cutting... Under my shirt, I feel the moistness of my blood that wont stop flowing ... I hurt so bad, but I dont' knwo why I keep doing this... nothing really really bad has happened out of the usually lately, but I feel like shit... I took a 40 minute run today and I took my glass with me just in case... It was the second time that I ever cut somewhere that wasn't in my room, so I guess that means I'm getting worse... I can't stop shakign, but i think it's because I'm nervous... I wish this were all a bad dream... I need someone that won't take advantage of me and will just love me for who I am... gosh I'm hurting so bad I need someone... Becky

Re: A few of your posts
Posted by tawnia on Tue Nov 27 05:28:59 2001 (#12372)

Hey Becky *hugs*;

It's crazy how much I relate to the things you've said in your posts. Like the boys in your school - what asses - but I know what it's like (and I went to a Catholic school my whole life. Not saying that that has anything to do with their behaviour, but one would tend to expect a bit more from them or whatever). And you're right; you can't slap them b/c, for whatever reason, teachers seem to fail to realize that you were PROVOKED. They seem to feel that girls just like to randomly hit guys b/c they're standing there or something, so you would probably get in trouble. I'm not sure if it would help, but the only thing I can suggest is going to the principle and making an official complaint against the specific boys. If possible, bring a friend or two as witnesses. Especially if it's a private school where you're paying money to go, I would think that they would not want a reputation of letting sexual harrassment go on in their school. And hun, it is harrassment; it's not your fault in any shape or form, ok? *hugs*

As for you getting worse, I (unfortunately) know what that's like too. I feel like I'm getting progressively worse this past month and am starting to do things I have NEVER done before. I'm just trying to hang in there and keep coming here to write stuff and read other people's posts to help me feel less alone, and you should make sure you keep doing that too. B/C you're not alone and as you obviously know, the people here show a genuine sense of understanding and caring, which helps a lot when you feel like no one else knows what you're going through.

As for needing someone? Yet another way in which I relate to you :c). I keep saying I'd be a lot happier if I just had that ONE person that I could go to for everything, who would understand and care, and love me nonetheless. I've come close, but I have yet to find that ONE person who encompases everything I'm looking for, so for the mean time I try to make due with going to different people for different things. It helps somewhat, as does coming here for people who can empathize.

Just hang in there, hun. As cliche as this sounds, things will get better *massive hugs*

Like the stars above...'til I die

Tawnia

i don't even know
Posted by tawnia on Tue Nov 27 10:08:51 2001 (#12377)

I don't even know what I'm going to say or why I'm here. I'm just completely losing my grip on reality, and I'm terrified beyond words. I have people I'm 'supposed' to call when something like this happens, but I just came seem to bring my self to do it, for various reasons. I don't know what it is about the fucking knives in my house, but none of them are sharp enough. I press as hard as I can, but the bastards just won't cut deep enough. I don't want to kill myself; I just want to cut. I was going to go break a glass to use, but I didn't want to wake up my mom, so instead I took apart a razor blade. As sick as this is or whatever, I'm rather excited b/c when I was taking it apart I slipped a couple of times and it made me bleed, so I know this is going to be more effective. Now I'm just waiting for my mom to go to work (I don't want her freaking out and asking questions and what not). So, yeah. I don't even know any more :c(.

Like the stars above...'til I die

Tawnia

Re: i don't even know
Posted by alexandria(alex) on Tue Nov 27 19:49:05 2001 (#12391)

I totally underdstand how you feel.... I have people who i am supposed to contact if i feel like cutting... but i feel like they are going to get tired of me if i sit there and call them everytime i did this... i would be calling them a lot... i don't want them to know that i am that messed up...

I know also how that blade feels good... my friend took away one of my blades and when i got my next one ready i slipped a lot too... my hands were all cut up trying to get the blade out.... i don't know if it is a great thing... but i wish i could get myself to throw it out... it is like it is apart of me... it is my pain reliever... it is the only thing that comforts me... and takes away the pain... when no one else is there... i hate it... my best friend is a blade... i am sad... a sad person...

alex

Re: i don't even know
Posted by kim on Tue Nov 27 22:56:50 2001 (#12406)

i know what you guys mean by saying how your supposed to call people when you feel like cutting...all the people that know tell me to do that. but its not that easy..i dont feel like talking when i feel like cutting and i dont want to seem like a burden and i am bothering them...they gat mad when i dont tell them and they get mad when i do....it just doesnt make sense

infected cuts.....someone help!!
Posted by kae on Tue Nov 27 10:41:42 2001 (#12383)

im worried....i cut the top of my thigh a few days ago. it was pretty deep, like, i could see the tissue underneath....(hope this isnt too triggery)...i kept it covered and then i stuck one of those Bandaid Advanced Healing plasters on it - these are really good! - and the whole thing blew up underneath the plaster and started seeping out....then i noticed that the skin in the 2-3cm radius around the wound was bright red, inflamed and swollen. and the whole thing is FUCKNG SORE!!

im worried shitless that i'll develop septisemia (however u spell it) because my dad is quite prone to it....how the hell could i cope with that sort of drama? everything would be seen if i had to get medical attention. help help help, what can i do?? will it just go away by itself?

...kae

Re: infected cuts.....someone help!!
Posted by chris on Tue Nov 27 19:24:03 2001 (#12390)

i don't know what septisemia or whatever is, and if it hurts, you should maybe go to a doctor... depending on how old you are, he can't talk to anybody (i don't think.. check first, there might be rules when it involves self harm or potential harm to others, or something).

whenever i get an infection i just put antibiotic stuff on it and a band-aid, and wait for it to heal. my eyebrow ring was infected for a week, and it cleared itself up. but... if it hurts... i'd suggest seeing someone

just my personal opinion

-chris

REQUIRED READING
Posted by Morten Wulff on Tue Nov 27 13:38:28 2001 (#12387)

We're moving!

I finally got around to buying a domain for psyke! From now on, psyke and this forum can be found at:

www.psyke.org

I would apreciate it if you would begin posting in the new forum. All messages from this forum will be accessible in a browseable archive on the new site in a couple of days (hopefully!), and this forum will be taken down in approx. 2 weeks (this should give everyone a chance to learn of the new location).

As always, comments and suggestions are welcome: wulff@ratatosk.net

Love, wulff

can't keep up
Posted by Fran on Tue Nov 27 18:26:14 2001 (#12389)

Oh my god so many ppl post here now I'm not sure I could ever keep up, especially as I don't get that much time to come on the board but hi to anyone who knows me, I'd love to hear how u r getting on email me.

Re: can't keep up
Posted by alexandria on Tue Nov 27 19:56:12 2001 (#12392)

I was looking up SI and i just found it... i think it is great... i love it... i have met ppl on line and begain to chat with them it is nice....... it helps some... i can talk to others about it... i am not alone...

EVERY 1 PLZ READ THIS
Posted by megz on Tue Nov 27 20:19:53 2001 (#12396)

i've only been on this board a day or two and i really like it.the way you all link together and help eachother out.it's quite strange coz i wrote a poem months ago about people like us doing this sort of thing.it would be appriciated if you red it and gave me your response.(the poem is further up on the message board).as you are all here for eachother i'd like you all to know i'm also here for you all.1 question,there seems to be know 1 else the same age as me(i'm 15),it doesn't really bother me though and i hope it don't bother any of you.if you do leave a response could you leave your age so if i do start talking to you,asking you how school is and your 20 odd,it aint gonna seem quite right.thanks for reading.

Re: EVERY 1 PLZ READ THIS
Posted by *Poison on Tue Nov 27 21:25:38 2001 (#12397)

I'm 15, don't feel bad, there are plenty of people here your age. and i like your poem.

Amanda

..sorry i didn't write much it's been a bad day 4 me

Re: EVERY 1 PLZ READ THIS
Posted by ...VäMpyRë§s... on Tue Nov 27 21:56:46 2001 (#12401)

Hey sweetheart, I am also 15.. I liked your poem alot, I write alot of poetry myself, I posted one further up the board as well, where you from? ...VäMpyRë§s...

Re: EVERY 1 PLZ READ THIS
Posted by DyingtoDie on Tue Nov 27 22:09:10 2001 (#12402)

Hey welcome... I'm 17 and I go to school so you could ask me about school, but I'll probably just say "i don't know".. it's funny I say that to everything...well yeah i hope you like it here and don't feel out of place there are at least 2 people that I can think of off my head that are 15... Well take care... Becky

Re: EVERY 1 PLZ READ THIS
Posted by kim on Tue Nov 27 23:05:24 2001 (#12407)

welcome!!! i am also 15 i live in p.a ....i liked your poem alot...keep posting!

Re: EVERY 1 PLZ READ THIS
Posted by Melz on Wed Nov 28 16:16:26 2001 (#12426)

i'm 15 and i live in p.a. too.

Re: EVERY 1 PLZ READ THIS
Posted by DyingtoDie on Wed Nov 28 22:20:25 2001 (#12462)

yo melz where at in PA? I live on the east coast over near philly (if oyu know where that is).....becky

Re: EVERY 1 PLZ READ THIS
Posted by kim on Wed Nov 28 22:36:05 2001 (#12463)

i live near philly too...lansdale to be exact

Re: EVERY 1 PLZ READ THIS
Posted by DyingtoDie on Wed Nov 28 23:15:20 2001 (#12471)

Really that's cool... I live in Bucks County. Umm.. so yeah we play a team in Lansdale for basketball adn volleyball, but we only play other private school, but that is really amazing... I thought I was the only one from around here. Becky

Re: EVERY 1 PLZ READ THIS
Posted by Melz on Wed Nov 28 23:33:13 2001 (#12475)

i'm more near pittsburgh

Re: EVERY 1 PLZ READ THIS
Posted by hughey on Fri Nov 30 23:10:26 2001 (#12586)

i am pretty old too(28) but i still get carded for cigs which is good but its also a pain in the ass. i am from Michigan, if anyone cares. take care everyone--hughey

Re: EVERY 1 PLZ READ THIS
Posted by diana on Wed Nov 28 00:15:42 2001 (#12409)

hey. im 15 also from nj. where you from?

Re: EVERY 1 PLZ READ THIS
Posted by ...VäMpyRë§s... -- on Wed Nov 28 05:53:27 2001 (#12416)

WOW!! I thought everyone here was older!! thats great :) loadsa people my age.. hey all Love Always ...VäMpyRë§s...

Re: EVERY 1 PLZ READ THIS
Posted by *me* on Wed Nov 28 22:04:34 2001 (#12457)

Hey Megz. Part of what I love about this board is the linking together part. Did you read my post about the chain? I dunno. It was a while ago so prolly not...

I said that we're like a chain and each of us a link. We're all linked together and the links can never ever be broken because we understand something the rest of the world does not. And everyone who has ever been on Psyke is part of that chain, and will always be a part of that chain bc we are Pyske and we are cutters.

And newho...I'm 16 (going on 17) so I can relate to school. There are a lot of ppl our age on here.

Lots of love.

Re: EVERY 1 PLZ READ THIS
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Nov 29 01:20:29 2001 (#12492)

Boy, now I really feel old. I'm 41 and most of you know I don't cut. I live in Oklahoma. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: EVERY 1 PLZ READ THIS
Posted by Mego on Thu Nov 29 02:11:05 2001 (#12501)

wow, there are a lot more people who are 15 then i thought... well, some of you might know, i'm 15 too and anyone can send me some mail if they ever feel like they need to talk about anything at all, i know i do enough bitching on here... whatever though. so... yeah. i'm here for anyone if they ever need to talk. i'll try to give advise but i'm not sure if i'm any good at it

my night (help me)
Posted by *Poison on Tue Nov 27 21:51:25 2001 (#12399)

well i've been having a hard time lately. and when i goto bed i always test myself to see how long i can go with out moving, (except for blinking and some times i'll allow my self to swallow) and recently i've been VERY depressed. so depressed that i'm scared. i'm scared that my parents will hate me if i don't get better soon. i'm afraid that i will get even more people to begin cutting because i gave them the idea. i'm scared that i will cut and not be able to stop. i want to die. i just want to let everyone live their lives in peace. that way i won't casue anyone any additional pain and suffering. I am Poisonous. Everything i touch is poisoned, people i get near, poisoned...well last night i woke up around 2:00 am and the first thing that came to my mind was "i need to cut myself." that's it everyone always thinks that i'm thinking "I need to cut myself because my parents pissed me off..or...i'm too stressed...or i wanna kill myself.." no i don't think that deep. i jsut cut when i feel like it. and so i am forced to tell them lies when they ask me why, because i seriously don't have any reason..but last night (sorry i keep getting off the subject) i cut my self with a razor that i had in my room for awhile, but that one was real dull, and i can't stand cutting with a dull razor. well i just took the razor down on my arm and in one slice it left the biggest cut i had ever done on myself. i got scared, but i loved it. a half house later when it wouldn't stop bleeding i finally got up the courage to tell my mom i needed to goto the ER to get some stitches, She yelled at me for waking her up at 3:00 am and for doing this to her, and that she isn't like my dad and won 't take that (going to the ER) etc.. well this new hospital i went to because it is closer to where my mom lives (since i don't live with my dad anymoer)this hospital decided that i didn't need stitches...which pissed me off because i have had smaller cuts that needed stitches. i swear it was either a predejuice thing because i did it to myself or it was because that hospital is on a serious budget. so instead they put on about 100 (seriously) steri-strips because the nurses couldn't get them to close...(stupid doctor) and of course they made me talk to their on call psychologist. and i was almost sure he was going to send me to the hospital because he started to get fed up with me cause i wasn't giving him the answers he wanted. but he went to talk to my mom alone and i think he changed his mind when my mom told him i had a psychiatrist appt in a few days. i overheard him talking to my mom in the hall and the doctor and he was close to sending me. so i even started to think of what i was going to say becasue i've already been to 2 different hospitals adn i don't want to go to those ones again. BLAH i've written too much.. i'll go now..

bye Amanda

Re: my night (help me)
Posted by kae on Wed Nov 28 09:16:17 2001 (#12421)

you poor girl...you had one hell of a night. at least you were able to tell your mum - i could never do that.

it sounds like the psychiatrist you're seeing at the moment isnt helping. maybe its time you found a new one? sometimes it takes ages for someone to find a psychiatrist that suits them....and its really important that you do before things go too far.

life is shit....it doesnt help to state the obvious but i guess all i can really say is DONT GIVE UP. think of the future....who you will become, where you will go, the job you will get....thats what keeps me going because im desperate to fulfil my dream to become a journalist....its that thought that has kept me going this long.

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: my night (help me)
Posted by megz on Wed Nov 28 17:15:09 2001 (#12429)

I so know what you mean by the fact of wanting to die and leaving every 1 peace don't give up.

Re: my night (help me)
Posted by *Poison on Wed Nov 28 21:42:34 2001 (#12454)

Thank you guys for helping me. I am going to get a new psychiatrist soon. new therapist too...hopefully things will change for teh better...or do i want them to?i don't know! but thank you guys a lot

Amanda

song
Posted by Mego on Tue Nov 27 22:40:01 2001 (#12404)

This is a song by an awesome band called pete. It helps me cause I feel like I can totally relate to it, I hope the lyrics can help you guys too. You can hear the song at www.petenoise.com

So it goes a piece of me I left for you to find Decay away Receded to feed It's not so bad It's not so bad

Down here in day's sweet daze Where all that I need is not what I need Down here you're not my enemy Then what would I be? Then what could I make?

Ashamed to find that all I was Is not so much Is not so much While away in all I made I can't give back I won't give back

Down here in day's sweet daze Where all that I need is not what I need Down here you're not my enemy Then what would I be? Then what could I make? Could I make

All my friends and all my fears And I'm afraid they're all the same And all my scars get torn away Get torn away Get torn

Down here in day's sweet daze Where all that I need is not what I need Down here you're not my enemy Then what would I be? Then what could I make?

burned out
Posted by cindy on Tue Nov 27 23:44:55 2001 (#12408)

I nearly tepped in front of a car today just like I almost do most days..but instead I went home and slammed a door on my fingers-which I've never done before-and it hurt like hell-more than most of my cuts. my hand's all swollen-why the hell would I want to do that to myself-it makes no sense. I just dont undertsnad at all what's happening to me. I nearly fluipped in my english class today-I was so close to just pulling up my sleeve and showing everyone the mess I've made of myself...maybe then everything will be better. I dont know maybe that'd just make things worse. I need help but I dont know from who or where. I just want to be released. cindy xox

no more ever again.....hopefully!
Posted by KAT on Wed Nov 28 03:11:48 2001 (#12412)

Today I had my last session of therapy with my therapist, I love her she's been great to me, especially in those times when I was a complete bitch and total fuck up! to say the least! Things are pretty good for me now, I get to go off my meds. In January... although I'm not heavily into drugs anymore, I am unfortunatly still doing them but ... "once an addict always an addict"..
:(

... thats all even though I dont post even half as much as what I used to I still read the posts and I care how you are all doing take care PLEASE love KAT

Re: no more ever again.....hopefully!
Posted by ...VäMpyRë§s... on Wed Nov 28 05:56:16 2001 (#12417)

Well done babe, I am so happy for you, I hope things stay good for you, and maybe one day I will feel your happiness too... Love as Always ...VäMpyRë§s...

Re: no more ever again.....hopefully!
Posted by DyingtoDie on Wed Nov 28 06:48:49 2001 (#12419)

congrats KAT that really cool... I'm very happy for you ... stay strong if one person can get out of this mess, then we all can... Thanks and Take care... Becky

Re: no more ever again.....hopefully!
Posted by *me* on Wed Nov 28 22:12:03 2001 (#12460)

Good luck w/ going off ur meds n' everything! Be proud of urself - I am proud of u!

Lots of love.

Re: no more ever again.....hopefully!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Nov 29 01:22:39 2001 (#12493)

KAT, Sounds like you're doing okay and I'm so happy for you. Please keep us up on how you're doing okay? Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: no more ever again.....hopefully!
Posted by star on Thu Nov 29 12:47:17 2001 (#12528)

hey thats great hunney take care and keep us updated with how your dping sweetie, love and prayers Amz xxx

Becky, and anyone else who can handle frankness
Posted by Dawn on Wed Nov 28 03:39:20 2001 (#12414)

Becky, I responded again to your post "This is me" Please read it. It is long. It is frank. But I think it is worth the time.

I started to put in this subject line: I'm no quitter. But the fact that I keep doing what God wants me to do in spite of the emotional pain involved is proof of that.

I believe God has been bringing me through my pain to encourage others to brave the storms as well.

I do not believe it is God's will that I run to my scissors instead of him when the memories come alive and I am fighting for my life again. I didn't do it before 1988 so I guess I can get through the rest of my life by doing what I used to do. Go to the feet of Jesus. He was with me during everyday of my life, and He is not going to leave me now. Love you all....Hugs Dawn

Re: Becky, and anyone else who can handle franknes
Posted by Nuni on Wed Nov 28 04:33:43 2001 (#12415)

Dawn, Funny thing today I was thinking the same thing. As much pain as I continue to experience, not because of the present because of the past it occurrs to me that God does not forsake us. Even if I still retrieve to my blades. God loves Me, and understands, HE feels our pain, and understands. I love you!! Nuni

Re: Becky, and anyone else who can handle franknes
Posted by cindy on Wed Nov 28 16:27:42 2001 (#12427)

I wish I that I could have your sort of faith in God loving you...unfortunately I do not believe in God nor any other form of benevolent being. but I suppose it's whatever works for you..who knows I might have some revelationary experience that changes my whole mind ove rthis matter...we'll see. I'm just happy that you both receive such comfort through your beliefs and wish I could have something similar. cindy xox

cindy
Posted by Nuni on Wed Nov 28 20:34:24 2001 (#12447)

Cindy, Because you feel happy towards others that have the belief, it strengthens you. Do you believe that? i respect your beliefs. It was a long time coming for me. Dont get me wrong, sometimes there is absolutely nothing that takes away my despair. Sometimes prayer feels so difficult and far away. But somewhere DEEP, (very deep) in my heart GOD exists and he waits patiently to be called. I wont smother you with my words. But I believe there is strength in numbers. No matter what you believe in or dont I will include you in my thoughts. I love you. Take care. Nuni

God!?!?!
Posted by people=shit on Wed Nov 28 23:26:05 2001 (#12473)

if he was so fucking great would he be putting u through this in the first place??? nieve to actually think god exsists

God!!!!
Posted by sarah on Thu Nov 29 00:28:38 2001 (#12484)

i dont want to preach at you or anything, but i'm just trying to explain why i do believe in God. i can belive that God exsists even with all the bad stuff going on in my life and the world in general. i have to, cos if he dont then there is no hope whatsoever. i'm never gonna get thru this. i found this the other day and it really helped me 'some areas may be under constuction, but i'm still loved, accepted and approved 100% by God' he's the only one who can really understand and unlike everyone on this world, however hard they try they will let you down at some point, God will always be there for me, and everyone if they let Him. take care love 'n' hugs xxx

How can He love me in spite of myself?
Posted by Linda on Fri Nov 30 20:10:01 2001 (#12581)

I have tried to refrain from posting only very meaningful things here recently since my time is so limited. It really irritates me to not be able to spend more time but this subject I feel needs some addressing. I read all your posts and I wanted to add the fact that Sara, you are absolutely right that you may be totally forgiven of all your sins and accepted by God. Human reasoning looks at our sin and says, "NO ONE could love me in spite of this!!" but there is a way--only one way. You see, that is why Jesus came as a human.....God in human flesh. He lived the life without sin that you and I can never live. And then He GAVE that life freely in payment for ALL sin. It is a gift! What is the gift? That Jesus will take my place before a holy and righteous God and put His life in place of mine if I ask Him to do it. I must see that there is absolutely nothing I can do within myself to be worthy of this but that He loved me so much that He was willing to be sacrificed in my place. Then, when I accept that, I stand before God the Father and He sees me as righteous because Jesus, God's Son, who was all God and all man says "Put her sins on my account!" It's just that simple. Satan is a liar and a deceiver and he would tell you that there is NO WAY that the sins you have committed can be covered. Don't believe his lies. God loved you enough to pay the price but you must accept it!!!! Love you all..... P.S. Why are you not coming over to the new site that Morten has created for you. It has a chat room and everything.. www.psyke.org.

Re: God!?!?!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Nov 29 01:26:02 2001 (#12495)

God doesn't put you through this, you put yourself through it. Do you think HE would think to himself, I think I'll make this person cut today? NO WAY! That's all I'll say on the subject. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: God!?!?!
Posted by DyingtoDie on Thu Nov 29 03:45:40 2001 (#12511)

If it were up to me becuase of what happened today, then I would be dead... I would have killed myself, but God has kept me from it for some reason... Only he knows why... God saved me from the past 4 times that I was so depressed adn tried to commit suicide. It's only by his grace that I'm still here on earth... I hope that he will reveal his presense to you in a wonderful way that you accept him as your savior... Take care all... Becky

PE
Posted by cindy on Wed Nov 28 16:35:22 2001 (#12428)

today I had PE-I;m sure you all know just how uncomfortable it can be...and I hated every minute of it. got told off again for wearing a 'non-regulation' long sleeved t-shirt. but it's worth the hassle compared with the alternative... not that any of this means any thing. I'm just sick of having to revolve my life and actions around these stupid cuts on my arms. hope you're all well. cindy xox

Re: PE
Posted by kim on Wed Nov 28 17:36:58 2001 (#12432)

i know how you feel...i have been hiding my arms for so long that when i see old pictures of me not hiding my arms i look so free and different. same with when i see others wearing short sleeved shirts...it just looks so odd to me for some reason they look so free they have nothing to hide, i love it...i hope one day i can be like that, except for the scars that will be showing...

Re: PE
Posted by Melz on Wed Nov 28 18:22:04 2001 (#12436)

I dont know how many scars are on your arms, but you know those little sweat bands people put aroung their rists, maybe you could put it over a bad scar or something. It may look a little weird , but at least people won't get on you bout the cuts

Re: PE
Posted by kim on Wed Nov 28 19:01:47 2001 (#12440)

thats a really good idea...i also wear tons and tons of braclets...gotta love em!

Re: PE
Posted by cindy on Wed Nov 28 20:11:23 2001 (#12446)

my cuts go all the way up my arm unfortunately-they're densly packed and very noticeable...I have a christmas ball to go to in just over a week and I would love to just be able to wear a nice dress or something but that just wont be possible...

Re: PE
Posted by dani on Wed Nov 28 23:12:17 2001 (#12470)

this isnt about pe cos i left school ages ago, but i work with children in a nursery and its so hard painting and using water etc with long sleeves, and i can hardly pull up my sleeves and let everyone see what a mess my arms r. its really frustrating!!

christmas ball
Posted by sarah on Wed Nov 28 23:31:52 2001 (#12474)

last year at my christmas ball i wore long black gloves which covered up a lot of the damage and you could use a wrap to hide around your upper arms. so i reckon you could get away with wearing a nice dress. go for it xxx

Re: christmas ball
Posted by *me* on Fri Nov 30 00:17:51 2001 (#12556)

I've been wondering what everyone does about dances. Ususally bracelets or the corsage can cover up my wrists, but this year I have a bunch of new scars on one arm, and this huuuuuuuuuuuuge super red, raised one on my shoulder....we're talking really big here. I didn't know how to cover it up - some friends have seen it and I told them it was my cat...but my mom wouldn't buy that.

Re: christmas ball
Posted by sarah on Fri Nov 30 01:12:47 2001 (#12562)

yeah, as i said, and realised after. i will be wearing my black elbow length gloves, but im also wearing a strapless knee length dress which is gonna be tricky as i have recent marks on both my calf and upper arms. a little posh cardie that goes with the dress is a possibility, or a wrap/shawl thing. i'm also gonna wear my hair down to distract the eye away from my arms hopefully. or lace is quite big (in england anyway) and that could also hide anything to an extent. and i guess its gonna have to be thick tights! very sexy! i also bought myself a tiara, somthing i had always wanted, to cheer myself up a bit and give me more confidence. so a little treat never hurts. sorry if ive repeated myself, but hope you manage to find something to wear. let me know if you have any tips, as i love clothes and would like to get away with wearing more stuff. love 'n' hugs

V.IMPORTANT EVEY 1 PLZ READ
Posted by megz on Wed Nov 28 18:46:37 2001 (#12437)

My mate came over last night.I told her how i was feeling,that i just wanted to die and couldn't stop cutting myself.I've been really low the past few days because of how i was feeling.Last night i told her i didn't care,i'd given up hope.My mate said to me that she wants to help me but she couldn't if i didn't want to help myself.She thought i should tell my mum about me cutting myself(my mum knows i've done it but she don't know it's still going on)but i don't want to see the disappointed look on her face.This morning i woke up in a really good mood and have decided to stop cutting myself once and for all.I hope this time it works.My mate asked me if i wanted to be happy,i quietly said yes,her comment to that was,"Well you're not going to make yourself happy if you don't want to help yourself." I thought about what she said,i want to be happy and get myself back on my feet and find myeslf-if you know what i mean.I'll keep you updated on how i get on.The best thing to do is to take one day at a time.I know i can do this.Last night was the last time i'm gonna cut myself.Thank you for reading this.I hope each and every 1 of you will soon get out of this .............!If any of you aren't getting any help but think you might need some then go and get help,it doesn't matterwho it's from-doctors,family,friends whatever,do what you'd tell you'r best friend to do if she/he were in your situation.

Re: V.IMPORTANT EVEY 1 PLZ READ
Posted by Melz on Wed Nov 28 18:51:35 2001 (#12438)

good job megz, you can do it! :)

Re: V.IMPORTANT EVEY 1 PLZ READ
Posted by kim on Wed Nov 28 19:05:36 2001 (#12441)

i wish you all the luck in the world!!!

Re: V.IMPORTANT EVEY 1 PLZ READ
Posted by *me* on Wed Nov 28 22:15:49 2001 (#12461)

Good luck! I wish the very best to you - stay strong and be proud of who you are!

Lots of love!

Re: V.IMPORTANT EVEY 1 PLZ READ
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Nov 29 01:27:59 2001 (#12496)

Good luck and I'll say prayers for you. I hope you can beat this. Take care. Love, Rhonda

....IVE GOT AN IDEA...plz read!
Posted by kae on Thu Nov 29 09:41:51 2001 (#12517)

im so proud of what you've decided, girl....thats fantastic! i wish you all the best.... a million hugs!

it got me thinking....imagine if all of us....everyone on the psyke board....made a pact to stop cutting. all at once. when someone else is trying to stop with you, it helps. if we all made the same pact to never cut again, maybe then it would give us a better motivation to stop. once and for all.

we could share our feelings and slip-ups and thoughts everyday....we could use the board as a means of fighting urges to cut. i love how everyone writes poems and posts them.

so...what do u think?

Re: ....IVE GOT AN IDEA...plz read!
Posted by kim on Thu Nov 29 21:55:04 2001 (#12545)

sounds like a great idea but sometimes it isnt that easy to just stop...

Re: V.IMPORTANT EVEY 1 PLZ READ
Posted by star on Thu Nov 29 13:23:21 2001 (#12530)

YOu go sweetie i know you can do it take care love and prayers Amz xxxx

I can't go on
Posted by LeJay on Wed Nov 28 20:50:29 2001 (#12449)

Ater 30 years of cutting, 17 surgeries related to severe cutting. I can't go on this way. I have been in therapy for 2 years and feel like I am on a treadmill, going no where.I am 46 years old! Isn't that old enough to find some relief from this. I panic and know it is coming and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Is there help? Is there a reason to go on?

Re: I can't go on
Posted by alexandria on Wed Nov 28 21:43:49 2001 (#12455)

I know that there is help for all of us... i don't think there is one cure for everyone... i think everyone who is SI'ers... has there own individual cure for the desease... i am trying to find out what the cure for me is... i try to do other things instead of cutting if i really don't want to... what i sometimes do is i hold a piece of ice and eventhough i am still causeing myself pain i am not leaving scares... it help sometime... but i think we are all different...

I know that there is a reason to go on... i have tried to kill myself twice and i lived everytime... and i know that i am here for a reason i am just struggling to find out why and what i am here for... i hope to one day find out what.... so i do believe there is a reason to go on...

take care... and be strong

alexandria

Re: I can't go on
Posted by kim on Wed Nov 28 21:44:33 2001 (#12456)

it is never to late to fix things....and there is always some reason to go on...try and find a new therapist that can help you and make you feel better about yourself

Re: I can't go on
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Nov 29 01:31:51 2001 (#12497)

Hi. There is a lady on the board who I think could help you a lot. Dawn, are you here? Leave her a post and she will answer. She is 49,I think. Sorry if I got the age wrong Dawn. She is one of my very good friends and is very smart lady. I would give you her email, but I think I'll let her do that. Just post to her. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Dawn are you here?
Posted by LeJay on Thu Nov 29 19:48:56 2001 (#12541)

I've been told by others to talk to you. I am 46/f/WY who has cut for 30 years. i am desperate to quit. Please help.

i hate everyone!
Posted by dani on Wed Nov 28 21:08:51 2001 (#12452)

why do people always try to hurt you damn it. also i cant stand it when people know ur depressed and go on about how happy they are! why does everyone else have be so bloody happy! :(

Re: i hate everyone!
Posted by CryingRedTears on Wed Nov 28 22:38:04 2001 (#12464)

okay, first-i'm sorry you had a bad day. those suck...hard. everyone tells you about how happy they are (i'll get to this in a sec) because they think that if they tell you about how happy they are because they don't know what else to do for you. second-people aren't all happy. they like to pretend that they are because it is a defense mechanism. there are things in their lives that they can't deal with, so they deny it and try to pretend that they truly are happy. it is a horrible cycle for them, much in the same way SI is for those that SI. okay, enough of my babbling, i just felt compelled to respond when i read your post. respond if you like, or email me.

you have just experienced a mind dribble by: brittany

my self
Posted by jen on Wed Nov 28 22:54:52 2001 (#12465)

i used to slit my wrists and it hurt but i thought when you do that i guess it releaves the pain now i have ugly scars my friend jeremy is the one that made me quit i like him alot like more than a friend but i don't want to hurt our friend ship at all