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Threads 3051 to 3100

sorry i havnt been around...heres wots happenin
Posted by Amanda on Mon Nov 19 20:27:38 2001 (#11954)

ok i havnt been around coz ive been so busy. loads of stuff has happened. ive been really battleing with not cutting, its been tough but its about 2 months since i last cut...YAY ME!!! and coz ive wanted to so much i needed to stay away 4 a bit. also my b/f is havin loads of trouble recently, hes missing his mum as he doesnt live with her and last nite i was on the phone to him and he was feeling so bad, he was crying and he kept sayin that he had had enough of life. hes been like this for a while so ive been trying to help him out. now....good news, i told every1 that i was going to go c a counsellor, well 2day i made the appt. to c my doctor to talk to him about it. my appt. is next wed....and im nervouse already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! does any1 have any tips on wot to say to him? ive neva spoken to a professional person bout SI so i dont know wot to say!

thanx guys. Love Trust and Pixi Dust Amanda

Re: sorry i havnt been around...heres wots happeni
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Nov 20 03:56:54 2001 (#11973)

Does he know why you're coming to see him? See, I'm the kind of person that I just tell it like I see it. Some people don't like that, but that's just the way I am. I like to let everyone know how I'm feeling. You may not want to do that if he doesn't know why you're going to see him. Just do what feels best to you. If you want to tell him, tell him. He may even ask you about it. That probably didn't help much and I'm sorry if it didn't. Write me if you want to talk. Take care and good luck with the therapist. Love, Rhonda

Re: sorry i havnt been around...heres wots happeni
Posted by jes on Tue Nov 20 13:35:57 2001 (#11982)

hey hun, that's so cool about not cutting for 2 months! i wish i could still last that long! right, about going to the docs, firstly i want to congratulate you ontaking the first step, it's hard (i know) and it may even be the hardest bit. i don't know if you know, but a couple of weeks ago i wwent to the doctors as well. not for the first time (i've been to a psychiatrist b4) but it was stil hard. iwalked in there not knowin g what to say and i couldn't seem to get any words out, so i just said i have a problem wiht cutting, and pulled up my sleeve. I don't know if that's the best way to go about it, but it definitely 'broke the ice'. maybe there willbe some better suggestions fromother people but if all else fails, and you still don't know what to say, just flash the doc! heh-humm, i don't mean actually flash him, but u know what i mean. hope i've helped a little, love n hugs, jes xx

Re: sorry i havnt been around...heres wots happeni
Posted by lys on Sun Nov 25 20:11:04 2001 (#12224)

hey, I think that you need to start with the basics, but make sure you tell him exactly what is going on. And tell him what you want. SOme doctors will try to guide you a little too strongly, which doesn't always help. take care, and good luck!!! alyssa

doing ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Tara on Mon Nov 19 20:45:54 2001 (#11956)

hey guys,

sounds like you had an asshole come here.don't worry i put my 2 cents in.shit like that really pisses me off thoroully.it makes me want to take thwm by the throat and squeeze as hard as i can until they realize how hard it is for us when people like them are around.that or cut them and see if they get addictde to the pain rush.that way mabye they will shut their mouth.i know that there will always be peolpe like that but you don't find some place like this just to say things like that.to me that is looking for trouble in a very wrong spot.well i am doing great.still livibg with my boyfriend.he is great to me.understands when i have an episode.he supports me in everything that i do.i am falling for him to.well gonna go now.

LOVE YA LOTS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

i know i haven't been here in awhile
Posted by *Poison on Mon Nov 19 21:22:41 2001 (#11958)

hi. i know i've been gone for quite awhile. i thought i posted about a wek and a half ago explaining why...but i don't see it..mayeb i'm just thinking i did again...i do that often. well i moved back to my mom's house where my cutting all started and my main triggers etc. (long story) but yeah...it's been about 2 weeks now...i'm alerady getting wicked depressed, and my cutting has increased. i'm burning more..which i usually only do in my worst of times. i just love cutting on my arms but i literally have not a single space where there isn't a huge scar on my arm left. and i jsut have this thing about cutting over scars, it's like a forbidden zone. i don't know what it is. it is that time of year again...for the past 3 years i've always ended up hospitalized around this time. i just want to go away. just escape into my own little world. i g2g my stepdad is here

Amanda (KoKO)

Re: i know i haven't been here in awhile
Posted by age6damaged on Tue Nov 20 22:39:58 2001 (#12008)

what is it about your mom's house that makes you depressed? do you have friends their that you can do things with and have fun with, that might make you look up on life instead of down. I know when i get depressed and feel like cutting I turn to others that I can talk to. Do you have a friend or a family member that you can turn to? hope things get better.

I just wanna cry
Posted by Alana on Mon Nov 19 21:44:58 2001 (#11959)

Does anybody else have trouble crying? I do. I can't cry...even though I can feel the tears building up. I need to cry and I can't let it out. I can't get hysterical sometimes, its just not in me. Why can't I cry...its all I need right now.

Alana

Re: I just wanna cry
Posted by DyingtoDie on Tue Nov 20 02:17:48 2001 (#11967)

for me it's like I won't let myself cry... I'm scared of crying in a werid way... Plus what the hell will crying do? just smear my fucking make up... Michelle

Re: I just wanna cry
Posted by Alana on Tue Nov 20 03:29:07 2001 (#11968)

haha good point...not for me though, I don't wear make-up. Au naturelle for me! Just that way I am.

Alana

Re: I just wanna cry
Posted by chris on Tue Nov 20 09:47:23 2001 (#11977)

i have that problem a lot. i can only cry when i'm frustrated at something. otherwise, i want to cry, and i just can't, and it's really just kind of stupid.

i bet that was informative and useful.

-chris

Re: I just wanna cry
Posted by FallenFromGrace on Tue Nov 20 18:15:10 2001 (#11998)

So... your saying that you are frustrated that you can only cry when you are frustrated?

Causality eh - its a b**ch aint it.

Re: I just wanna cry
Posted by chris on Tue Nov 20 22:54:08 2001 (#12010)

hah. yes, yes it is. i meant, only when i'm really frustrated, to the point where i want to hit myself fairly hard (which happens occasionally too, even though i've always thought of that as being slightly insane).

the not being able to cry doesn't frustrate me to that point. or something.

Re: I just wanna cry
Posted by Alana on Wed Nov 21 02:02:47 2001 (#12017)

I beat myself in the head when I get really frustrated so you aren't alone on that one. I always thought it was a tad bit insane too. Ah well, thats life.

Alana

Re: I just wanna cry
Posted by jes on Tue Nov 20 13:52:49 2001 (#11983)

hey, i have that problem too a ot of the time. but then there's times like now when just about anything can make me cry, or at least start to then as soo as i realise what i'm doing, it jus kinda stops, most of the time. no,sense. oh well, that's me. xx

Did you ever......
Posted by star on Mon Nov 19 22:54:42 2001 (#11960)

I was wonderin if it was only me who ever felt so scared that they would be nothing at all and that everything was turning to shit, and there was nothing you could do to stop it, i thought i had the best relationship that was just a wish and a stupid hope/aspiration when i know he's more into the drugs etc then i could ever guess and that really im just the person there for the after/between times i know that to him i might as not be there most of the time except for a bit of sexual releief and thats all that matters to him now, i wont sleep with him but hes oh so keen for anything else any way to get his rocks off then im out thats how this feels, i love him and want him enough for us both but i know i cant do that and that i cant be the person to sort it he needs to do that as well as me. Anyway im sorry for the big stupid rant. Thank you for listening Star (Amz ) xxxx(((())))

Re: Did you ever......
Posted by Emma on Tue Nov 20 12:23:06 2001 (#11979)

Amz, babe you gotta talk to him,u cant keep it all bottled up,i knew that everything wasnt *fine* last night babe. You need to sorrt it out,its causing you so much shit!Please try and sort it out. Ilove you Emm xx

Re: Did you ever......
Posted by jes on Tue Nov 20 13:24:37 2001 (#11980)

emm's right babe, u have gotta speak to him and work out if u can work it out if you know what i mean. You can't go on being unhappy with this, it's not fair on either of you. tell him to sort his fucking self out and show you some lovin'! no, not that, i mean, well, you know what i mean. take care, and don't forget that i'm only on the end of a phone (well, not literally, but y'know!) love jo xx

Re: Did you ever......to emm n jo
Posted by star on Tue Nov 20 17:36:32 2001 (#11996)

Thank you hunneys for that you dont realise how much you helped me i know we need to talk but at the moment im gonna leave it and just give myself time to thinkk, althought i know its a wierd request i wondered if either of you could have a word at all? as i know u might not want to but i fell whateveri say goes in one ear and outta the other if u see what i mean it doesnt matter tho if you would feel uncomftable. I love you both so much Amz xxx

too late
Posted by Aspen on Tue Nov 20 00:34:49 2001 (#11964)

I had the worst day today, you see, my school is in Toronto and is in between two subway stations connected by really high (fatal) bridges over the high-way and at lunch, somebody jumped, unfortunately, before the paramedics got there, my friend saw the body. As if this was not already a horrible day, a few hours later, somebody ODed in the washroom and there were 3 ambulances and 4 police cars at my school. I had what felt like an axiety attack, feelings and flashbacks from when those ambulance's were for me and when I ODed, I couldn't handle it and broke down. I can't take that pain again, I felt suicidal again, for minutes, but enough to make me remember why I tried doing it. I always wondered what it would feel like if I was one of my friend's when I did it, and although I did not know the jumper or person who ODed, I still feel an ache in my heart. I am lost in sorrow. The overdose I'm not sure if he lived and the jumper was already DOA, it's so sad that it was too late for them.

Re: too late
Posted by jes on Tue Nov 20 13:59:08 2001 (#11984)

hey, i'm sorry you had such a bad day. but you will feel better, these things just brought back memories, that can be dealt with like you did before. :-) jes xxx

Re: too late
Posted by Emma on Tue Nov 20 15:41:41 2001 (#11991)

Hey, Dont worry hunney,it might feel awful now,it sure sounds real bad but you'll get through it, if you need support i'm here,i know we dont know each other *yet* but, i'm not that scary i promise! ;) love Emma xx

Re: too late
Posted by Aspen on Wed Nov 21 02:54:35 2001 (#12020)

haha, thanks for the support guys, Aspen

missed
Posted by linzee on Tue Nov 20 02:01:59 2001 (#11965)

its oveuse i wasnt missed here so bye

Re: missed
Posted by Jenny on Tue Nov 20 11:51:52 2001 (#11978)

hey mate, I missed you and have been wondering what you have been doin! Ive e-mailed you luve n hugs Jen

Re: missed
Posted by jes on Tue Nov 20 14:01:07 2001 (#11985)

hey hun, i missed you, and i'm sure that loads of others did too, stay. xxx

stay!
Posted by *me* on Tue Nov 20 22:41:20 2001 (#12009)

I missed you! I hope you are doing ok! Please stay!

What the...
Posted by DyingtoDie on Tue Nov 20 02:09:41 2001 (#11966)

I hate this place... I can't come here anymore... I hate everything. I don't even deserve to be here. I don't deserve to have people who will care... Screw this... I'm leaving and I'll never be back... I say things on here that I would never admit to in person so I don't deserve to have the pain lifted... I will never fucking admit it all the shit with my dad no matter what you assholes do to me... As if I fucking care threathen to send me to a hospital. I don't care maybe I belong in a room with fucking padded walls... Now I'm just gonna curl up and die. I'll rot in this fucking hell of life that my father created... And my best-friends dad... Now how do you like me... See my scars see the shit I do... Now do you want to fuck me like you did before??? I think not because I'm a fucking shit head insane mother fucker... Michelle.... PS none of this applys to any of you sorry

Re: What the...
Posted by jes on Tue Nov 20 14:05:12 2001 (#11986)

hunney, you will always be welcomed here, the only people who don't deserve to be here are the shit-stirrers - you are not one of them. please don't give up, you can overcome all of the bad things, you are better than them, better than they could ever hope to be. don't let them win, they can't, you deserve to live and be happy, and have support from here and wherever alse you choose to seek it. take care, much love n hugs, xxxx

Re: What the...
Posted by KAT on Wed Nov 21 04:50:05 2001 (#12025)

wow Michelle that was lovely. Im serious, sounds like almost all the poems Ive written

:) hang in there cute best of luck to ya!!! take care love KAT

he's gone
Posted by Fran on Tue Nov 20 08:11:08 2001 (#11974)

I don't know if you guys remember me. I feel like shit I want to cut but I thought I'd try getting my feelings out first. My boyfriend left for Australia today, he's gone for 9months. I cared about him so much more than anyone before. I feel like shit, I feel so empty. He was the nicest guy but I pushed him away, I tried to keep him close but I find it hard to trust people. I cried all last night , I asked him if deep down he knew it was over and he said yes, it was awful he hugged me but there was nothing that could make it better. We slept together last night, I felt so close to him much more than the other times, but I also felt so empty inside almost used. Me and my flatmates had a leaving party for him on saturday night, I got carried away and took a lot of e I was so high, I'm not proud of it but I just couldn't cope with it all. I found him asleep in my room and out of all the times I needed him to be there but he wouldn't wake up so I cut but I couldn't feel anything. I went back later and managed 2 wake him and I told him everything all the painful memories, my childhood and how I was so frightened, everything, once I started I couldn't stop, I haven't even told my shrink that. He just couldn't understand why I acted the way I did and I was so desparate to hold on. I couldn't be apart from him the whole weekend..i kept crying and crying. I feel so vunerable and fragile. Now he's gone and it's over and I'm not sure how I'll cope I'm supposed to be studying this year but I feel a mess. I'm sorry I bothered you guys I really am I hope you don't mind me posting this, I just really don't have anywhere else. I guess all I want is for someone to oneday say to me 'It's okay it's alright, I'm here'. I told him that last night too. that I say i don't need anyone but deep down I'm so scared of being alone. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do with myself

Re: he's gone
Posted by jes on Tue Nov 20 14:11:26 2001 (#11987)

hun, i want to say that it's ok and that i and everyone else here is here for you, i want to say it and really mean it and have you believe it, because it's the truth, i was going to say this before you even said you needed it, so don't think that's the only reason i'm posting this. because it's not. please don't blame yourself for it not working between the two of you, i'm sure you had your problems but the end of a relationship is very rarely donw to just one person. take care, and keep coming back for as long as you need to. love n hugs, jes xx

Re: he's gone
Posted by Emma on Tue Nov 20 15:51:30 2001 (#11993)

i agree with Jes, you are welcome hun and you shouldnt worry about what others think of your post babe,if they love you, then they'll love you whatever and if they dont then maybe they havent had the chance to get to know you. Please dont worry, i'm here for you as is everyone else, i mean thats what were here for, everyone has hard times and it sounds like your really going through it at the moment, but dont worry if you ever need to talk feel free. love Emma xxx

Re: he's gone
Posted by Amanda...aka lost and lonly on Tue Nov 20 16:43:36 2001 (#11994)

hey fran, i read ur post and i felt ur pain, i tried to imagin wot if would b like if my b/f left and i cant. if you eva need to talk email me and ill b here 4 u. (((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) ))

Love Trust and Pixi Dust Amanda

Re: he's gone
Posted by Fran on Tue Nov 20 19:02:43 2001 (#12002)

Thankyou for being so supportive. I'm still going through it, it still hurts. I felt so much for him. I went away for a few days, to catch up on my study. I'm going back to my college town on thursday or friday I think. I feel sort useless and fragile, but your words make me feel cared about. Can I help any of you guys?

Re: he's gone
Posted by DyingtoDie on Tue Nov 20 22:20:58 2001 (#12005)

Fran I'm so sorry that this all happened. But you can get through this! We are all here to help you (at least try to help) and we all care. It's weird I don't know you and I've never talked to you before, but I wish I could be there to comfort you. Well not comfort like your boyfriend would since I'm a girl, but I think you know what I mean... But anyway dont' worry post anytime you like. I'm sure all of us would be ready and willing to listen... Please take care of yourself... Michelle

hey Fran, welcome back!
Posted by lys on Sun Nov 25 20:21:23 2001 (#12226)

I am sorry about your relationship being over. I know how much it hurts to lose someone you love, especially when they aren't even dead, just gone away. A few years ago my friends were in a car accident. I mourned more over my boyfriend who couldn't remember anything (like amnesia) than over my friends who died. I know that you are strong enough to get through this... take care, lyssie

Re: hey Fran, welcome back!
Posted by Fran on Tue Nov 27 18:23:21 2001 (#12388)

Sorry I haven't been on in a while, I don't always get into the college computer room, lectures seem to take over. It's great to meet(?) you michelle and hey lys. Thanx for all your words of support and encouragement. It must have hurt alot lys, so thanx for sharing that we me, and thanx for my e hug michelle. I walk around in a bit of a daze at the moment, you know how it is when you slip a bit but oneday I do want to give up cut, I don't want this forever. How is everyone else doing?

where is KAT??
Posted by kae on Tue Nov 20 09:26:26 2001 (#11976)

Kat if you're still reading the posts, i hope you're okay. I hope you're staying safe and getting the right kind of help....the board isn't the same without you!!

miss ya

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: where is KAT??
Posted by jes on Tue Nov 20 14:13:56 2001 (#11988)

i've been thinking the same thing, there are quite a few people who used to post here regularly but don't seem to be doing so any more. i hope that you're all ok. xxx

Re: where is KAT??
Posted by *Poi§oN on Tue Nov 20 22:33:24 2001 (#12006)

I'm here. just not HERE here. i think, for me anyway, i feel as though i'm not wanted. there are so many new people here. and i just can't keep up. i was gone for about 2 weeks and it's like we get 10 new people. and i just feel as though we have started another era. like the era when fran, linds etc were around and posting often. now it's like there is a new era comming. and the old must leave and let the new help eachother that way we don't harm them with our poisoned selves. I say this referring to me because that is all i know.

KoKO

Re: where is KAT??
Posted by DyingtoDie on Tue Nov 20 23:19:45 2001 (#12014)

Yeah where is KAT... We need you come back. It's like you wandered off somewhere... I miss all your encouraging words. :( Michelle

Re: where is KAT??
Posted by KAT on Wed Nov 21 04:44:36 2001 (#12022)

Hi sweethearts, I love you all so much, your so caring even with all the shit goin on in your life! Im here okay? well I havent cut in a while now but Im back heavy on the drugs....its okay for now I dunno how its gonna turn out though I started cutting a little while ago(again) and then my friend died and then I started doing drugs so its like one thing after another I just havent been here in a whil.e I do miss the board and helping everyone out hopefully when I get my shit together I can come back fully recovered. I wish you all the best of luck lots of love -KAT and to koko yes I agree that we have new eras and such of people coming and going to the board I have been coming here since I think last NoVEMber though so thatd make it a year wow time sure does fly lots of hugs and love -KAT if you wanna IM me my AIM name is PanterAMetalChik

Re: no-one HAS to leave
Posted by jes on Wed Nov 21 13:38:52 2001 (#12041)

hey, i just wanted to say that i don't think anyone HAS to leave. if you still need to come here and feel that you still can, then ur input will always be an extremely valuable asset to the board and the ppl on it. the ppl who ahve been here longer have more experience so therefore may be able to offer better advice, and also, just because u've been here a while, it doesn't mean that things just go away. KEEP COMING FOR AS LONG AS YOU CAN AND WANT TO. plz love n hugs, jes xx

i made a boo-boo
Posted by jo on Tue Nov 20 14:19:11 2001 (#11989)

humph.

It's always the case isn't it? i thought that maybe i was slowing down a bit but oh no, someone (probably the inner me) has other plans. ok, not true, i suppose that i knew it wouldn't last , it never does, does it? but i think i still hoped just a little. i'm not gonna say what i did because i don't wanna set anyone off, but just know i can't win. jo xxx

Re: i made a boo-boo
Posted by Emm on Tue Nov 20 15:46:32 2001 (#11992)

YES you can win hunney, you can you can you can!!ok you get the picture,lol!Dont worry everyone trips and everyone falls babe, you just gotta make sure ur still standing at the end of it !(sorry, just came out)and i know you will be. Dont see it as a mistake see it as just another part of life, lifes a shit sometimes, try and find a way to deal, other than *that. I'll always be here for you, always! Love you Emm xxxxxxx

Re: i made a boo-boo
Posted by Amanda on Tue Nov 20 16:47:06 2001 (#11995)

jo, i used to feel like that, but wot is important is that you went for some time without cutting/burning ect. all that progress is important, it doesnt matter if that progress is mixed in with set backs, that is to be expected.

Love Trust and Pixi Dust Amanda

Re: i made a boo-boo
Posted by KAT on Wed Nov 21 04:52:05 2001 (#12026)

oh sweetheart I think you can win and you will win and you want to win so go for it and beat that shit!! Your a great girl.... take care

Fantasic!
Posted by FallenFromGrace on Tue Nov 20 18:35:45 2001 (#12000)

I've had a great day!

I got in at 9:30, without a word from the boss then spent 8 hours drinking coffee & surfing the net (amongst other things).

The best bit is that I got paid for it!!

Fantastic!

Re: Fantastic!
Posted by ~~~ on Tue Nov 20 18:49:20 2001 (#12001)

I had the day off from Uni, but unfortunately I didn't get paid for it.

Butterfly

Re: Fantasic!
Posted by KAT on Wed Nov 21 04:46:23 2001 (#12023)

sounds great
:)

Re: Fantasic!
Posted by jes on Wed Nov 21 15:27:36 2001 (#12046)

i'm glad u had a good day. does this mean that ur staying? and that ur going to be nice? i hope so, if u do have problems u need to talk about, or have CONSTRUCTIVE advice u feel you can share, the this is the place to be. i hope u are going to be nice, we need more nice ppl in the world, s'pecially those with a sense of humour, so long as the humour doesn't go too far, ;-) love n hugs, jes xx

Re: Fantasic!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Nov 22 16:37:34 2001 (#12087)

I'm so glad you had a good day. We need those every once in a while. Take care. Love, Rhonda

ASPEN!
Posted by Alana on Tue Nov 20 20:01:10 2001 (#12003)

I didn't know that you from Toronto! ME TOO! Yay, finally a fellow torontonian on this board. Do you go to Rosedale? You mentioned the high bridge, and I suppose you are talking about the Bloor Viaduct? Sorry to hear about the suicide. It seems that its suicide season, everybody is doing it lately.

I"m so sorry. Email me dude!

Re: ASPEN!
Posted by FallenFromGrace on Wed Nov 21 01:53:21 2001 (#12015)

Well what do you expect, their Canadian...

(watch South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut ... <- ummm, not intended as a pun there ppl)

Re: ASPEN!
Posted by Alana on Wed Nov 21 02:00:32 2001 (#12016)

what the hell is that suppose to mean? YOu have something against Canadians? Thats just too bad for you, cuz we're great people.

Re: ASPEN!
Posted by chris on Wed Nov 21 08:34:53 2001 (#12032)

personally, i happen to be somewhat of a fan of canadians (girls in particular, but the guys are all right also)

Re: ASPEN!
Posted by Alana on Wed Nov 21 23:19:51 2001 (#12052)

Fan eh? Why's that?

FallenFromGrace
Posted by ~~~ on Wed Nov 21 02:37:30 2001 (#12018)

Don't you have another way to amuse yourself, rather than resorting to throwing insults at the people here?

That film sucked.

Butterfly.

Re: FallenFromGrace
Posted by FallenFromGrace on Wed Nov 21 12:29:19 2001 (#12037)

Did you read the message?

No, all the way to the end?

I said there was no insult intended, so get down of your high horse.

Did I say the film was good??

Re: ASPEN!
Posted by Aspen on Wed Nov 21 02:52:50 2001 (#12019)

Hey, yeah I do go to rosedale and that was exactly what I was talking about! Where do you go? This is so kewl, to know atleast I'm not the only one in the city, although it feels like I am the only one in the entire world!

Re: ASPEN!
Posted by Alana on Wed Nov 21 07:05:52 2001 (#12028)

I live in the Beaches...I go to Cardinal Newman. How old are ya? I'm 17/f - well the name gave the female part away, I hope it does anyways.

Where do you hang out? Its a big city I know, but hey, we might be close to eachother...that would be nice.

Love, Alana

Message deleted
Posted by none on Wed Nov 21 17:09:36 2001 (#12047)

This message has been deleted by the site owner...

Message deleted
Posted by none on Wed Nov 21 23:18:25 2001 (#12051)

This message has been deleted by the site owner...

Re: ASPEN!
Posted by Aspen on Thu Nov 22 16:40:32 2001 (#12088)

Haha, that's so kewl! Yeah Victoria pk and Kingston rd is really close to here! Haha, yeah I'll see you around :)

why?
Posted by Sarah on Tue Nov 20 23:02:01 2001 (#12011)

sorry no one has to read this, im just going to have a little rant.

why is it that as soon as i feel like im having a good day and things arent so bad after all that someone does or says something to knock me back down. am i just oversensitive? this time it was one of my closest friends questioning wether or not i should be going to the choir i am in because of the way i am. (it is a christian worship choir and because of my cutting im not being very christian i guess) but it was the one place where i felt really happy and could forget all of my problems and just concentrate on God. i have struggled with wether or not to go but having talked to people decided it did me good to go. but now i jsut feel so lost and crushed. why is it always the small things that get me down. at least i managed not to cut. just went for a long walk in the dark instead. dont know which would have been safer!

sorry rant over.

Re: why?
Posted by DyingtoDie on Tue Nov 20 23:16:41 2001 (#12013)

Sarah, I'm sorry, but I know how it is... My church doesn't think I should be involved with certain things because I cut... I hate when people like that look down on you, but anyway I"m sorry you left, but I say that you stay on the choir. Your heart is what matters. If you go there just to make people think you are all good and godly then yeah that's wrong, but I think that that isn't the case... If it helps you go there. Don't listen to other people they don't know your heart... Take care ... Michelle

Re: why?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Nov 22 00:57:14 2001 (#12053)

A REAL christian would not look down on anyone! I don't like people like that either. They think they are holier than thou and they probably have more skeletons in their closets than any of you do. That's okay, they will have to answer for their attitudes in the end. Okay, I'll get off my soapbox now. I hope everyone has a happy holiday. Take care. Love, Rhonda

DAWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by KAT on Wed Nov 21 04:40:34 2001 (#12021)

DAWN!!!! I havent been posting on here like I used to, Im soooooo back into my old habits, except right now Im in the stage where Im doing alot of fucking drugs butI came on here and havent seena single post from ya in a while.....I soo hope your okay I love ya dawn! you know it ....alot of us here do. Your a wonderful woman e-mail me please or Ill e-mail you take care PLEASE lots and lots of love KAT!!!!!!!!!!

Re: DAWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by jes on Wed Nov 21 15:24:21 2001 (#12045)

dawn, if you read tis, i hope ur ok. maybe u just need some time for yourself? i dunno, just take care and come back when ur ready. love n hugs, jo xx

Re: DAWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Nov 22 01:00:55 2001 (#12054)

She's okay guys, she emailed me some really beautiful cards today. I think she's on some meds that make her really sleepy. Hi Dawn, if you read this. Take care, KAT!! I'm thinking of you and will say a special prayer for you tonight. Love, Rhonda

Holiday
Posted by KAT on Wed Nov 21 04:47:43 2001 (#12024)

I hope you all have a wonderful and SAFE SAFE SAFE!!!!!!!!!! Thanksgiving holiday and if you don't celebrate Thanksgiving well hell PLEASE STAY SAFE NO MATTER WHAT! love you all very much wish me luck Im out to do bad things
:( bye! -KAT

Re: Holiday
Posted by chris on Wed Nov 21 08:15:57 2001 (#12030)

you want good luck on the bad things you're out to do? hah, the irony. good luck. with your.. bad things.

are html posts allowed? we'll see. hm .

have fun.

Re: Holiday
Posted by chris on Wed Nov 21 08:20:24 2001 (#12031)

nope, it was stripped. damnit. s/ / /g; will do that, i suppose, and that won't display either because it'll strip out the .*, maybe if i did < and >. allowing html makes things oh so much more interesting, though. don't mind me, i'm just rambling quietly to myself while waiting for something to happen.

i'm new here. just out of curiostiy, who's regular? i see lots of names repeated here and there.

Re: Holiday
Posted by kae on Wed Nov 21 10:06:59 2001 (#12033)

well whoever has posted more than five or so times would be a regular....we all know each other fairly well by now so WELCOME!!!!!!

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: Holiday
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Nov 22 01:03:48 2001 (#12055)

Welcome Chris, Kae right, if you've posted more than 5 times I think you're probably a regular. I don't cut, but I come here to support all my "kids". This is a good place for support. Take CAre. Love, Rhonda

So Sad
Posted by DyingtoDie on Wed Nov 21 05:54:53 2001 (#12027)

I broke friendships with my best friend... I loved her so much, but I wouldn't let her know... I am scared of being hurt again that I pushed her away... I could cry... I already miss her so much... I'm so sorry... Why do I push away the only people who cared about me... I'm sorry sorry... I haven't love anyone in the longest time, but now that I do, I ruined the relationship... Gosh I loved you so much... Fuck me I'm such an idoit... Just pouring my heart out here to just me hurt again... this is so stupid and you wonder why I've tried to committ suicide 4 times in the past year...

I'm such a mess. I spilled my heart out and now it's been shattered to pieces...

I can't finish this poem... All hope has left me... Look into my eyes Tell me what you see. Radiant blue streams of lies Come flowing out of me. <~~~ most people have no clue what that means.. but when I wrote it, all I meant is that I'm different on the outside than what I am on the inside... People look at me and they think that I'm a happy person, but inside my heart is broken. I have so much pain, but no one knows that because I don't let them know... I'm such an idiot... Michelle

Re: So Sad
Posted by Sarah on Wed Nov 21 11:07:59 2001 (#12036)

hiya. i know exactally what you mean. i always am pushing away the friends that are closest to me. even when i know i am doing it, i cant stop myself. but if she is a good a friend as you think she will be there for you. just ask her and see. and everyone on this board is here for you too. and you are certainly not an idiot, you just gave me some good advice earlier. thank you. you are a lovely person who just has problems at the moment. just stay strong and keep comming here for help, if nowhere else. take care of yourself. love sarah xxx ps. i hope that all made sense!

Re: So Sad
Posted by jes on Wed Nov 21 13:51:23 2001 (#12042)

hey, i know how you feel, i have done it many times before, i have pushed away the ppl that mean the most to me because i don't want to hurt them....etc. but things do get better, you make new friends, you get back to getther with old friends, things works out, trust me, i am the 'friendship destroyer'! lol. humm, sorry serious. take care, love n hugs jo xx

Re: So Sad
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Nov 22 01:10:15 2001 (#12056)

Michelle, I'm sorry about your friend. Maybe the reason you push people away is because you're afraid to trust. It's hard to trust someone when you have been hurt so many times that I can see you not wanting to let anyone close out of fear. Then again, maybe I don't really know what I'm talking about. I know I haven't been through what you're going through so it doens't connect with me about your feelings. If i'm rambling, tell me to shut up. I'll go and I hope you keep plowing ahead. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

mirror, mirror......
Posted by kae on Wed Nov 21 10:21:09 2001 (#12034)

i carved the words NOT FAIR into my thigh. it is beautiful....im not regretting it....yet.

look at me, mirror. what do u see? a lightly-built girl with blonde hair and green eyes....? ....purple and red slashing scars on her body....her arms.....her wrists.....her hips.....her thighs....ten or fifteen at a time......

how could she do that to herself? they told her she was pretty, didnt they? they said she was smart, that she could become anything she wanted. she has lots of friends, a good family. she doesnt miss out on anything.

so what the fuck is her problem?

shes ugly now......and its her own fault.

stupid bitch.

Re: mirror, mirror......
Posted by chris on Wed Nov 21 10:48:45 2001 (#12035)

green eyes are amazing. and not everybody finds scars ugly.

do you not want to be pretty?

- reading old posts and looking at the names, either the guys are shy or there are just more girls. i find that weird.

Re: mirror, mirror......
Posted by FallenFromGrace on Wed Nov 21 12:33:33 2001 (#12038)

Indeed, green eyes rock!

Re: mirror, mirror......
Posted by jes on Wed Nov 21 15:13:11 2001 (#12043)

you're not ugly and it's not your fault. Yuo can still be anything you want to be, you just have to over come the problems you're having at the moment, which will not last forever, you will remain beautiful and strong no matter what you do. No-one worth listening to will tell you any different. take care, love n hugs, jo xx

Re: mirror, mirror......
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Nov 22 01:14:24 2001 (#12057)

You take what you want out of what someone tells you. If you don't like what they say, throw it back, if you like it, take it. Words do hurt no matter what anyone says. But if you can let them slide, I know it's hard, you can overcome what people say about you. If someone doesn't like you for the way you are, I say Screw 'Em! If you ever want to talk, just drop me an email. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: mirror, mirror......
Posted by FallenFromGrace on Fri Nov 23 10:27:34 2001 (#12108)

I philosophy I can identify with, finally!

it's here.
Posted by jes on Wed Nov 21 15:21:57 2001 (#12044)

The appointment is here. i convinced myself it was a bank statement and started opening it, then i saw the letter head with the name of the place on it. so i folded it up and put it in my pocket, which is where it still is. it's strange, last time i got a letter i didn't want, a letter also came from someone i hadn't heard from in ages, so it was a nice surprise. now today, i got a letter from my dad's ex (who he still ahs contact with and who istill care about a lot. she was like a second mum to me.) she wrote saying that whenever she asks my dad about me, it seems that i've lost my direction in life and that i seem unhappy. she said that she knows how important it is to have support from ppl u care about (just recently she's had more problems w/ a back injury, meaning she'll have to quit work :-( ) and so if i need to talk i can always fone her. it's wierd how these things come all at once. but i don't think i can tell her even now. i want to, i think she'd be good about it, but i know her and dad are still close and i don't know if it's fair to make her keep it from him, or even that she would do so. what should i do? it's an invite to talk to someone who i know is good to talk to, but i don't know if i should take it. i mean, i got this appointment now, maybe should just see how that goes?? hellup meeee. :-) love n hugs, jo xx

Re: it's here.
Posted by Emma on Wed Nov 21 17:29:28 2001 (#12048)

Dont worry babe,its ok. When do u have to go?do u want me to come with?its upto u though babes, obviously. take care i love you emm xxxxx

why?
Posted by S.O.A.D on Wed Nov 21 19:05:16 2001 (#12049)

why do we all cut?

Re: why?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Nov 22 01:16:43 2001 (#12058)

If we knew the answer, no one would cut. Wouldn't that be nice?!!! Love, Rhonda

bah
Posted by *me* on Wed Nov 21 20:16:24 2001 (#12050)

I'm feeling such a lack of energy lately. I'm with all of my friends at lunch and I feel like I'm not in my body. It's like I'm just watching everything that goes on. I'm aware of my actions and I have control over my body, but I just don't have the energy to always join in the conversations or whatnot. But then when we go out I try to cover it all up by smiling and talking and blah blah blah and I don't even know what I am nemore. It's like I'm three seperate people: 1-the person my friends and teachers and the outside world sees 2-the angry person who my mother sees (all we ever do is fight and fight and fight some more) 3-ME - the REAL me, who is hurting and everything. But no one ever sees this person, except for me, and you. And I'm so sorry that I don't post as much here nemore. I come on almost everyday and read the posts, but..I don't know. I don't know what to post about myself because my feelings are so screwed up I don't even know where to begin and what to say and I don't know what to tell all of you in response to YOUR posts because I'm so screwed up myself that I don't know how to help you. I'm sorry. I'm posting this because I'm hoping you understand, and I have a feeling most of you will. I guess this post is just to let all of you know that I'm still here and I care about all of you so much. Bah, it was kinda a pointless post...but hey..owell.

Lots of love, take care and stay safe!

Re: bah
Posted by jes on Thu Nov 22 13:30:43 2001 (#12079)

hey hun, i knw how you feel, at the moment i'm not too bad in relation to the responding to posts bit, in fact i think i might be writing a bit too much crap at the mo'! but a lot of the time,when it comes totalking to ppl i just can't seem to think of anything to say, i just nod and laugh in the right places and ty as hard as i can to say something, anything, but nothing is right. i hate when i can't smile. take care hun, love n hugs, jo xx

um...hey.
Posted by RealityBandage on Thu Nov 22 01:55:41 2001 (#12060)

Hey, I just thought I'd introduce myself real quick. SOrry if I"m like wastin space or something...My name is Zoa...that's about it. bye.

Re: um...hey.
Posted by kim on Thu Nov 22 05:50:40 2001 (#12065)

hey...::idroducing:: kim...yah me...blah blah....my best friends are all changing...emotionally...i need them...

Re: um...hey.
Posted by chris on Thu Nov 22 11:23:18 2001 (#12067)

oh no, you're both really really cute

Re: um...hey.
Posted by jes on Thu Nov 22 13:42:33 2001 (#12080)

hey, welcome to the board, i think you'll like it here. you're not wasting space! maybe you could tell us more about yourself? i'm jo bye the way. :-) take care, ove n hugs, jo xx

Re: um...hey.
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Nov 22 16:34:44 2001 (#12086)

Hi Zoa, Welcome to the board. This is a good place to come for support. I don't cut, but my daughter does and I come here to support my kids. Write if you ever want to talk. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: um...hey.
Posted by RealityBandage on Fri Nov 23 21:54:16 2001 (#12120)

You guys are really welcoming, thanks a lot.

Poem, plez read
Posted by Dawn on Thu Nov 22 07:02:55 2001 (#12066)

So many lives wasting away. So many lives filled with decay No reason to get out of bed No reason to live another day

SO MANY LIVES WASTING AWAY

Child abuse Sexual abuse Shattered dreams Old age

THE REAL CAUSES OF DEATH, NOBODY SEES

Lives imprisoned by walls of pain Shrouded in darkness of depressions and shame

Miserable people Living miserable lives Harboring miserable secrets Pain, guilt and shame

Betrayed by mothers who did not protect Mothers who saw, then turned their back Mothers who scorn their daughters Mothers who stayed loyal to their man And did not "act" in their child's behalf

BETRAYED TRUST, LOVE, RESPECT

Wounds go deep, and deeper still No relief found Not in drinks or in pills Or even a lover

Wounds go deep, and deeper still Words speak of tender compassion But grief remains an every day opression

Wounds to the spirit inside the soul Wounds that reveal a gigantic hole

Where is the hope I so desperately need Where is the One to make wrongs things right Where do I turn when the verses fail

The trauma is ever present Beckoning me to take my life The future is clouded by my shame Where do I go from here I'll do anything to free myself from pain I cannot play pretend any longer

I've tried everything I know to try Then a sweet calling voice says lean on me.

I found this poem in a box full of papers from old journals I got tired of lugging from state to state. I wrote that poes almost 10 years ago. I've came a long was in an eternity. So many times I found myself on the very threshold of suicide, and here I am today, repeating what Paul the apostle said in Phillippians 3:12 "Not that I have alrady obtained it, or have become perfect, but I press on in order that I might lay hold of for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus"

Paul goes on to say BEWARE of those who will lie to you and say there is no hope, no future for any of us (my paraphrase). I haven't been on the board but I've heard some of what some people have been saying and it disturbs me, No! it ANGERS me that someone would come on this board where people who live in misery come to find compassion and vent their cancerous emotions and kick them in their behind and tell them to take their lives.

Recovery is hell. Working though our issues are hard. And a lot of times we come on and unload our burdens and find some peace. The peace may not last long, but it is like needing to breathe and taking in one breaf breath of air that will get us over the next hurdle.

I still have hurddles to get over so I came here tonight. To say Thank You "all" for the help you've given me in the past and for what you will give me in the future. Love and Hugs

Re: Poem, plez read
Posted by jes on Thu Nov 22 13:47:43 2001 (#12081)

hey dawn, i like that poem, eventhough it may not apply to you any more, a lot of it will still mean some thing to ppl on here, so thank you. i'm glad that ur ok though. take care. love jo xx

Re: Poem, plez read
Posted by star on Fri Nov 23 15:02:33 2001 (#12113)

Dawn that was amazing, my faith may be a little strained at the moment but He knows i love Him more than anything, i really hope and pray you find hapiness may God bless you Amz xxxx

false alarm
Posted by jes on Thu Nov 22 14:00:24 2001 (#12082)

All that bloody worrying, i even made my friend read the stupid thing. And it was a letter to tell me that I DON'T HAVE AN APPOINTMENT YET. aarrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhh it's gonna be another 6 to 8 weeks. that's over 2 months since i first went to the doctors. ah shit. that's bad though. i mean, what if i got bad in that time and killed myslef? i know that it's not their fault, waiting lists n all, but this country is so fucked up. if i had money i'd go private. sorry, i just had to rant about that. right, now another lil rant stylee thing, no need to read if you don't want.... last night i was with my friend and as we just passed a bus stop, she goes 'did you just see Lee?' (he's the guy that was sposed to be my friend but who decided i should be his fucking sex toy for the fucking night) i hadn't seen him , but it really freaked me out and i was crying. then i was waiting at the next bus stop and i thought 'oh shit, he's gonna be on my bus' that just started me off again. i was waiting for the bus and i was shaking and i was trying not to cry in front of a load of strangers. luckily he wasn't on the bus but i still cut. i thought i'd be ok if i saw him now, it didn't bother me too much if i thought about seeing him, i mean, i didn't want to, but i thought i'd be ok, either ignore him or tell himwhat i thought. but no. i can't handle seeing him. i broke down and i can't seem to un-break. i walk around town looking like i'm guilty of something or that there's someone out to kill me and i've got to watch every direction all of the time, just in case he's there.. maybe i am guilty, guilty of being weak. and i said i'd speak to my friends boyfriend for her cos they're having problems, and i couldn't even do that. i just sat all night like a bleedin' zombie, i couldn't bring myself to talk to him, i know i would ahve ended up shouting at him and fucking things up even more. i couldn't face it. i'm sorry. xx

Re: false alarm
Posted by FallenFromGrace on Thu Nov 22 14:10:19 2001 (#12083)

jes, your from the UK aren't you?

>but this country is so fucked up

There is nothing wrong with the UK, save all the American crap thats constantly being rammed down our necks.

Re: false alarm
Posted by jes on Thu Nov 22 14:14:59 2001 (#12084)

yup, that's me. i'm from the good old fucking crap uk. england. i take it u r too?

Re: false alarm
Posted by Emma on Thu Nov 22 20:30:04 2001 (#12092)

Hey Jo, Thats horrible babe, look dont worry, he cant hurt you i know it doesnt feel that way at the minute, but he cant babes and hurting yourself wont help either hunni. You dont deserve what happened, none of it at all, at all babe. Please dont think you do its just the shit that life sometimes seems to deal. Please dont give up hope. I'm here,Talk babe, whenever u need my mobiles always on,u know that (i never have any damn credit)lol.I'm sorry if you feel neglected hunny,i'm really sorry, please 4give you mean so much to me u really do. I love you Hunny Emm xxxxxxxxxx

Re: false alarm
Posted by jes on Fri Nov 23 12:44:24 2001 (#12110)

thank-you hunney. i love you.

Re: false alarm
Posted by FallenFromGrace on Fri Nov 23 10:07:05 2001 (#12106)

Dam straight.

>good old fucking crap uk

The UK might be crap, but England is great!

It's having Wales & Scotland attached - they bring the standard down!

Re: false alarm
Posted by star on Fri Nov 23 14:51:05 2001 (#12112)

Darling, please dont worry he cant hurt you now, i wantwed to go after him myself at first but figured hell get his punishment eventually anyway so what difference will it make, and about speaking to jez you dont have to honest its kinda sorted now anyway so dont worry about it it doesnt matter honest, i love you Amz xxx ps. please dont cut again you were doing so well, and if you ever need me to open letters again please let me know, i dont mind if it makes you feel better, also FALLENFROMGRACE why are you going all patriotic on us?? this wasnt what this is about...soz rant over love n licks xxx

Re: false alarm
Posted by jes on Fri Nov 23 23:27:02 2001 (#12122)

it's not that simple hunney. i'm sorry.

Jes, being hypervigilant is not a false alarm
Posted by Dawn on Sun Nov 25 00:30:55 2001 (#12173)

It is part of being a rape victim. Almost every rape victim experiences it. And I am sorry that the responses to your post took a side trip down geography and did not tell you that it is normal to experience fear of seeing your rapist again, or the he would deserve what he gets when you do see him again. And if you get the chance to scream all the hate and fear and anger you rightful deserve to pile on him, it would do you a hell of a lot of good.

I praise you for being angry. I appauld you for your courage to be out and about and not avoiding places where he might be. Most rape survivors do avoid most places their rapist frequent, but as you both share friends an haunts it takes a great deal of courage to resume your regular life. My hat is off to you my friend. love and hugs...Dawn

Re: false alarm
Posted by star on Mon Nov 26 11:22:29 2001 (#12293)

i dint say it was, i just said i think that you need to think about it thats all. i love you and im always here love always Amz xxx

Poem...
Posted by RealityBandage on Thu Nov 22 14:35:18 2001 (#12085)

The pain is too much to bare on my own. The knife in my hand keeps me company. The thought of suicide no longer scares. I'm actually starting to like it. End the guilt... End the pain. But for now the knife does that job. For now the drugs do that job. Something has to make me forget. But when I am real all I do is remember. All I do is worry. All I have is regret. ALl you have made me feel it. At the moment the sting in my legs drawl my attention away from realization. Attention away from expectation. Persuasion to do it again. Slide the blade over my skin. Peircing my thoughts again and again. Maybe I'll just end it all. Maybe I'll just get over with it.

Re: Poem...
Posted by alexandria on Tue Nov 27 20:10:55 2001 (#12394)

I totally agree with your poem that is how i feel exactly... it scares me... because as deep as i cut every where else on my body i know that i could easly commit suicide if worse came to worse.... i am terrified of myself... what will happen to me if something just goes completely bad and the cuts on my body just doesn't do it anymore...will i resort to killing myself b/c i can... i am terrified...

yes... when i cut...it is like peircing my thoughts over and over.. then guilt sets in.. guilt that i do this...or even contemplated sucide...( wow last resort just came on) ironic???? i hate this song... i feel like he is singing what i am feeling...i hate...it.......... grrrrrrrrrrr...

but please stay strong... don't end your life... for i know if someone feels the way i do... and can overcome the tempation of the easy way out... i can do it... your strong i am strong and visa versa...

alexandria

thanks for putting my feeling into words again...

*sigh*
Posted by Aspen on Thu Nov 22 16:43:21 2001 (#12089)

Life can be so boring, I am so burnt out these days. I have missed school twice in the lat week and 1/2 because I just couldn't get up. I am getting help now because I was suicidal and still kinda am, I just don't wanna be hospitalized y'know. *sigh* life is just so.........

Re: *sigh*
Posted by alexandria on Tue Nov 27 20:13:51 2001 (#12395)

say strong Aspen... we need you here on the message board... we all have the really bad times... but dieing is not it... not the answer... keep strong...

alexandria

Message deleted
Posted by none on Thu Nov 22 20:03:40 2001 (#12091)

This message has been deleted by the site owner...

Re: Messages from "me"
Posted by Emma on Thu Nov 22 21:12:18 2001 (#12094)

Hi, i wanna start by saying that i am sorry if i said anything that wasnt called for, i was just really upset with it all at the time. So i'm sorry, i really am. But there really isnt any reason to get all defensive and threaten about messages *appearing, yeah, people obviously didnt realise that this has happened, otherwise they wouldnt have reacted the way they did. Anyway i've said my shit now, babe. hope you are well and that if you ever need help you will find people who might compare with the friends we have all found on here. all my love Emma xxxx

thanks...
Posted by kim on Fri Nov 23 00:23:59 2001 (#12095)

hey everyone...thanks for making me feel welcome!! and thanks to the person who said i was cute..hehe...but anyway...why are parents so fake sometimes? i was sleeping and in the middle of the night i hear my parents screaming at eachother about who knows what...they just got back together and i thought everything was okay...the next day the acted as if nothing had happened...my biggest fear in life is ending up like one of them

Re: thanks...
Posted by RealityBandage on Fri Nov 23 01:20:04 2001 (#12096)

I think my biggest fear actually is turning out like one of my parents...but it's too hard to explain.

:) buh bye.

Re: Messages from "me"
Posted by kae on Fri Nov 23 04:02:33 2001 (#12101)

how did you expect we would react, whether you wrote it or not?? its not like we get out the detective kits and try to identify the nature of the message. and, if it wasnt written by you, why should you be offended anyway? the messages were directed at the person who wrote it, not you.

get over it.

kae

Re: Messages from "me"
Posted by FallenFromGrace on Fri Nov 23 10:23:56 2001 (#12107)

Because, people were emailing him about something he had nothing to do with - thats why he is upset.

>not like we get out the detective kits and try to identify the nature of the message

Understandable, but there is no need to lay into someone that had nothing to do with it.

Re: Messages from "me"
Posted by kae on Fri Nov 23 11:29:37 2001 (#12109)

whatever. why believe him, anyway.

call me a bitch, i dont care. fuck the world.

To: kae and the assholes
Posted by DyingtoDie on Sat Nov 24 07:44:25 2001 (#12138)

kae you're not a bitch. I like your style. Lets put these mother fuckers in there place... as for all the rest of yous assholes, get a life and drop this whole damn thing It's just wasting space... Michelle PS do I come off to be mean? I'm sorry, but GET THE FUCK OVER IT. damn *sigh*

Re: Messages from "me"
Posted by DyingtoDie on Sat Nov 24 07:36:58 2001 (#12136)

Know what I'm in a pissy mood so I'm just gonna tell ya straight... Get fuckign over it. Who fuckign cares who really fuckign posted the damn message. The fact is that it was posted and we reacted how we should have... And whoever backs this asshole us is a fucking moron because we have no need to apologize to him. He's a bastard and so is his stupid "friend" that supposedly posted it... Gosh Ed whoever you are be a man and don't come on here asking for a damn fucking apologe... You have no clue about the shit we go threw and we don't need your damn stupid shit posted on here... Gosh I'm in a bitchy mood... Michelle

im with you on that one
Posted by kae on Sat Nov 24 12:11:11 2001 (#12143)

well said....i couldnt have put it better myself.

Message deleted
Posted by none on Sun Nov 25 01:04:25 2001 (#12174)

This message has been deleted by the site owner...

umm....
Posted by lys on Sun Nov 25 20:27:16 2001 (#12227)

well, I wasn't here, all I know is that people responded with anger to something that was posted that made them angry. That seems reasonable to me. And I would have to agree with dyingtodie because not to many people here are going to give an apology for something unless they have damn good reason too. And I don't see it. So yeah. Plus, how do we even know that he is telling the truth??? So, whatever.

my biggest fear
Posted by sara on Fri Nov 23 02:46:27 2001 (#12097)

my biggest fear is that i will go actually go away to college (i mean i live at home now while i am finishing high school requirements)that i will completely start cutting more and eating less...maybe this is completely and utterly unreasonable...but i don't know...ok i just needed to rant..bye sara

Re: my biggest fear
Posted by kim on Fri Nov 23 03:07:28 2001 (#12099)

i know it's hard but try not to think of what will happen...just think of things as they happen. one of my biggest problems is worrying about things way before they are going to happen...which leads to me doing things that i shouldnt, but yeah.

Re: my biggest fear
Posted by jes on Fri Nov 23 13:05:24 2001 (#12111)

i feel the same about going to college or getting a job. i don't wanna be how i was b4. jes xx

:D
Posted by The Boy in The Bubble on Fri Nov 23 03:05:30 2001 (#12098)

hello i went to dublin in ireland for 2 days to see the Divine Comedy and they were so so so so so so so so so so so amazing. they played with such passion and emotion and power and happiness. what a shame that this amazing band is splitting i feel so hapy at the moment believe me these things should happen more often

I haven't cut myself for three weeks. i'm pretty pleased with that i have had the urge and i have controlled it and i'm not good at that usually.

have fun and stay beautiful

if what is wrong could seem so right then lifes no longer black and white

Re: :D
Posted by kim on Fri Nov 23 03:10:06 2001 (#12100)

i'm glad for you...i wish i could say the same

...i hate hate it when he says he will call

...but he doesnt

Re: :D
Posted by Alana on Fri Nov 23 05:12:09 2001 (#12102)

Do you live in Ireland...or were you just visiting? I'm over there every summer...pretty cool. See ya around.

Alana

Re: :D
Posted by The boy in the bubble on Sun Nov 25 16:10:28 2001 (#12207)

I wish i lived in ireland it is so so so so so cool the people are lovely and the guiness is the greatest (it's cheaper over there than coca cola) i live in manchester and literally only went over for the gig

Re: :D
Posted by sarah on Sun Nov 25 22:08:46 2001 (#12239)

hiya! just wondering where abouts you live in manchester as i come from stockport, well live there when i am not at uni. take care sarah xx

Re: :D
Posted by the boy in the bubble on Wed Nov 28 01:10:33 2001 (#12411)

hey i live in salford when i''m at uni and altrincham when i'm not. 2 awsful places really but i cant help that

have fun and stay beautiful

we can be happy underground

Re: :D
Posted by sarah on Thu Nov 29 15:51:55 2001 (#12534)

i know a bloke at salford uni. its a long shot but you may know him. his name is Ian Hanson and he comes from cheadle/heald green. and i think he is doing something computery in his second year. i was also thinking of going salford to do social work next year, but as have not got round to applying yet prob wont make it! sorry bit of useless information there tkae care love 'n' hugs

Re: :D
Posted by the boy in the bubble on Thu Nov 29 21:04:52 2001 (#12544)

hello again

i know a James hanson. i live with him he is studying music and computers they could be connected but i dont know. salford uni is quite cool. we have some nice bits of it

Re: :D
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Nov 24 17:40:15 2001 (#12156)

Way to go on not cutting for 3 weeks! I'm glad you had a good time in Ireland. You know I'm still here if you ever want to talk. Take care. Love, Rhonda

is there life after Self Injery?
Posted by Silver Wolf on Fri Nov 23 09:19:34 2001 (#12103)

well Iam kinda new to this site..a friend of mine sent this to me I guess in hopes that I would stop cutting...I have been cutting for 11 years now so it seems kinda hard to think of wht els I could do...mostly all I really want is to meet someone or some people who wont look at me as tho I am a freek!! I don't cut as often any more its been almost a year however just comeing out of rehab for some stuff seems I am picking up my old habbits!! is there life after Self Injery? please someone I need help.. can someone show me a light!! Merry Part,Blessed Be

Re: is there life after Self Injery?
Posted by kae on Fri Nov 23 09:35:32 2001 (#12104)

yes there is life after SI, u just have to believe it.

11 years is a long time....it would be really good if you stay on here, tell us more about yourself. let it all rip, thats what we do!!

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: is there life after Self Injery?
Posted by kim on Fri Nov 23 19:53:55 2001 (#12115)

....do you want to stop cutting? because if you really want to stop this you have to want to, you can't force your self...the time will come...

Re: is there life after Self Injery?
Posted by Silver Wolf on Fri Nov 23 20:01:38 2001 (#12116)

well thank you for the response!! yes I do want to stop and I was doing good untill about 3 weeks ago and silpped up ...for the frist time in a year :( I don't know what went wrong I thought I was ok after the fight but then I wake up in the morning in a puddel of blood...I really thought I would be ok !!

Re: is there life after Self Injery?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Nov 24 17:45:48 2001 (#12158)

There is life after self-injury, but you go at your own pace. It may take a while, but it can happen. My daughter is doing really good out on her own right now and with help from a great therapist has learned how to control and help herself when the feelings start. Don't let what happened several weeks ago stop you from believing that you can make it. It was just one stop along a long road that you're traveling. Pick yourself up and keep going. If you ever want to talk, just email me. Take care. Love, Rhonda

I'm too old for this.
Posted by LeJay on Wed Nov 28 20:41:25 2001 (#12448)

Seems like whenever I get in a chat room or look through forums all I find are young people. I am 46years old and need to know is there anyone out there who is my age. Is there ever any hope for me. I have been cutting for 30 years. Only now have I started therapy. Will it ever end? Because I can't live even another year with this elephant on my back.

Thanks...that was fun
Posted by Alana on Fri Nov 23 19:10:09 2001 (#12114)

I'm learning, I'm yearning I'm burning all your stuff, but that's not enough

I'm faking, that I'm aching Mistaking lust for love

Thanks that was fun Don't forget, no regrets 'Cept maybe one

Did I scare you? When I dared you? I stared you in the eye And told you good-bye

You mock me, it shocked me When you walked me to the bus

Thanks that was fun Don't forget, no regrets 'Cept maybe one Made a deal, not to feel God that's dumb - hey

Everybody knows the deal fell through I was hoping I could just blame you When was it that I became so soft? This sentimentality doesn't look good on me I thought that you would be begging to be with me I'm the one on my knees blubbering 'please let me stay'

Deflated, and jaded I hate it when you call, which isn't at all

I've spoken, though broken Here's a token of my love

Thanks that was fun Don't forget, no regrets 'Cept maybe one Made a deal, not to feel God that was dumb Don't forget, no regrets 'Cept maybe one Made a deal, not to feel Thanks that was fun

- BNL

That was GREAT!!!!
Posted by Dawn on Wed Nov 28 08:38:56 2001 (#12420)

Alana, you are making strides, and opening up it is wonderful to see you get stronger. Love and Hugs, and more hugs...Dawn

scars...
Posted by kim on Fri Nov 23 20:02:33 2001 (#12117)

what do you say to someone who first notices scars or new cuts? i hate it and i never know what to say, my stomach just drops and i say i fell in a bush, or an angry cat attacked me...

Re: scars...
Posted by RealityBandage on Fri Nov 23 21:52:50 2001 (#12119)

THat's what I pretty much say. I had to play volleyball in gym last week and I went to bump the ball and practically fell over. I had a fresh cut like right on my wrist, this chick I know asked me if I tried to kill myself. I was like "Hell no, it's a cat scratch."

Re: scars...
Posted by kim on Fri Nov 23 22:05:43 2001 (#12121)

my mom saw my wrist for the first time today...i usually hide it well, but the one time i wasnt thinking she saw my wrist...god i should have hid them better, she just asked if i had cut myself and i said no. she asked what happened and i said nothing...she still has not said anything, she is acting normal, maybe she is taking my word that nothing happened, or maybe she is just going to ignore it and not face the problem like she usually does

Re: scars...(and mothers! - Attn: Kim)
Posted by *me* on Sat Nov 24 00:36:45 2001 (#12124)

Hey Kim..just plying to what you said about ur mom.

I had a similar experience: a few months ago I was sick and had a fever, and I wore boxer shorts to bed bc I was so hot. Well, my mom came into check on me during the night, and apparently my boxer shorts had been pushed up so she could see all of the *fresh* razor cuts I had alllllll over both thighs (I was so peeved at myself for wearing those boxer shorts!!!!). The next day she asked me if I had "scratched" myself, and did I know that that could scar. She did this over the phone! And she has completely ignored it ever since.

So...yep...kinda a pointless post but just wanted to let u know that sometimes parents are really weird and stupid, and if your mom ignores it you're not alone. Ok? Take care and stay safe. Lots of love.

Re: scars...(and mothers! - Attn: Kim)
Posted by Silver Wolf on Sat Nov 24 07:32:37 2001 (#12135)

Hey Kim..... I know the feeling...my mom seems to see the scares every time I cut...but she never says anything...she had at one time told me we were going out to do something and I ended up at a shrinks office..I was soooo pissed but I had that guy totly snow blowed!! told him I did alot of tree climbing and sports and stuff and that thats were I got all the cuts from....she has tried that many times .. every now and then she will ask me now ..why I do this to myself..so I sent her this site in an e-mail...I think she is getting the point now ....she and I have really started talking for the frist time!! about alot of things!! so you see tho our parents may seem stupid some are but some are just trying to understand....and wondering what they did wrong...sometimes it is a 2 way street...it seems as tho we are going in one direction and are going in the other... don't give up on your mom just yet couse maybe just maybe she will what you are going thru....and maybe she will see it thru your eyes!! don't lose the faith!! Merry Part Blessed Be

Re: scars...(and mothers! - Attn: Kim)
Posted by Erin on Sat Nov 24 17:34:10 2001 (#12154)

I cut my arm near my elbow about two days ago and my mom saw it last nite. she asked me what happened and I told her I didnt know. (stupid, huh? lol) I didnt know what to say so I just said I didnt know. I think she's catching onto it though..especially since she knows about all the scars on my wrist..and theres a few of them and hard to miss. think a couple teachers at my school saw my wrist too but didnt say anything to me.

Re: scars...(and mothers! - Attn: Kim)
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Nov 24 18:01:22 2001 (#12160)

Boy, is this ever a topic for me!!!!! Since I'm a mom of a cutter I figured I'd put my two cents worth in. First, Kim, you say what ever you feel comfortable saying at the time. If you want to tell them a cat scratched you, that's okay or if you want to say, I cut myself, that's okay too. A lot of people don't understand why you guys cut so be prepared for dumb and stupid questions if you say you cut yourself. As far as mothers go, I like Silver Wolf's reply. Give your mom a chance to help you. You might be surprised. Of course, I know a lot of parents act like jerks, or worse, when they are confronted with this. I was just hurt and confused when I found out Tara cut, but at the same time, I wanted to help her all I could. After all, isn't that what parents are suppose to do? Some parents are so scared that their kids are hurting themselves that they don't know how to talk about it, cause they've never had to deal with this sort of thing before. It took me a few weeks to understand that Tara had to be in some really bad pain to do this to herself and that I would not help the problem by yelling and screaming at her. Ever since then, she has had my full support in dealing with her self-injury and I like to think that she is better because I didn't make a big issue over it. I truly wish all of you had parents who understood and helped you instead of causing problems. Maybe that's why I come here to show you all that there are parents who will help. Now that I've said probably twenty-five cents worth, I'll go. If you ever want to talk, email me. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: scars...(and mothers! - Attn: Kim)
Posted by kim on Sat Nov 24 20:02:13 2001 (#12171)

thank you to everyone who responded...it means alot to me...i think my mom is going to be talking to me about the whole cutting thing soon. we were talking today and she asked me what was going on. like my room being a mess always and my grades slipping...she said that maybe this weekend we could go christmas shopping and just spend some time together...i just don't want her not to understand and flip at me...i know when my dad finds out he is going to freak and give me this whole speach about what i am doing to myself it totally wrong and i should be put away.

Re: scars...(and mothers! - Attn: Kim)
Posted by star (amz) on Mon Nov 26 11:46:38 2001 (#12294)

darling, i hope the Christmas shopping goes well with your mum and that you can talk about it, please dont worry you can only do your best take care if you ever need to talk please mail me or post to me on here, take care Love Amz xxx (star)

i hate holidays
Posted by *me* on Sat Nov 24 00:38:55 2001 (#12125)

I hate this time of the season. It sucks. I know I'm supposed to be happy: HOLIDAYS, time for celebrating, right?? Wrong. Holidays suck. They say that the most suicides are committed around Christmastime. It makes a lot of sense. Holidays suck.

i need help
Posted by Hughey on Sat Nov 24 04:51:07 2001 (#12129)

this is my first time at this site,and i relate to everything i have read. i am very depressed and i have been cutting for ten years. in the last year it has gotten worse. i wont stop cutting until i need stitches. i want to kill myself. i just got out of a psychicatric ward i was there for three weeks. while i was in there i hung myself in the smoking room but they found me.i need to talk with people who relate --H

Re: i need help
Posted by kim on Sat Nov 24 05:23:34 2001 (#12131)

all i have to say is that everyone is here for you...relating with people will make you feel alot better...

Re: i need help
Posted by Silver Wolf on Sat Nov 24 07:41:10 2001 (#12137)

well looks as tho I am not the only one here now that has been cutting for awhile!! I have been cutting for 11 years this would be 12 now!! hang in there and try to stay calm.. that sounds like a stupid thing but its a start !! when ever you get the urge to cut find something els to do ...find something that will help you to forget..call a friend or come on-line and talk with one of us!! thats what we are here for... to help each other out!! Merry Part Bright Blessing..

Re: i need help
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Nov 24 18:03:52 2001 (#12161)

Welcome Hughey, This is a terrific place to come. Everyone here will probably understand how you feel. If you ever want to talk to an adult, email me. Take care. LOve, Rhonda

Re: i hate holidays
Posted by Erin on Sat Nov 24 17:36:14 2001 (#12155)

I hate holidays too. I didnt know about most suicides happening around christmas though. it does make sense.

Re: i hate holidays
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Nov 24 18:05:28 2001 (#12162)

You feel what you want to feel and know that I'm here for you if you want. Take care. Love, Rhonda

holidays don't just suck, they blow!!!
Posted by lys on Sun Nov 25 20:37:20 2001 (#12229)

last year, day after christmas, my dad announced only to me, in secrecy, that him and my mom were splitting up. He left for a business trip that night, didn't come home for weeks (which is a bit normal) but it completely isolated me because my 3 sisters didn't know. Suprise suprise, 8 days later my stomach was being emptied of over 60 extra strength tylenol (though things taste disgusting, especially with a combo of coke, chocolate milk, charcoal, and ipecac). Thanksgiving a few years ago my mom gave me a concussion banging my head into a wall. The next year I was so sick I couldn't walk. But now, I have my own place, and my own little christmas tree (even though I actually celebrate yule) and I am not going to die yet. I have a lot of chocolates to eat.... And then where would my kittens end up??? Sorry, this is probably a useless rant/post but what the hell. I have 2 more loads of laundry to do....

Re: i hate holidays
Posted by LeJay on Wed Nov 28 20:54:24 2001 (#12450)

Holidays are the worst time of the year. Everyone she "Happy" and "Cheerful" BAH! We are forced to spend our time and our money on people, who although they may be family, you don't even like them. I'd love to just lock all the doors. Keep my kids and husband inside and lock out the world until Jan 2nd.

So Suicidal....
Posted by Alana on Sat Nov 24 04:39:47 2001 (#12128)

I'm so suicidal tonight I don't even know if I can make it. I sometimes get like this, and I know that everything will be ok the next day...but its not like that lately. The pain that lives within me is constant. All I do is reflect on all the shit I've done, and I feel so out of it. I forget what I look like and who I'm close to. I just forget.

But I can't forget the pain. It just stabs me in the heart everytime I try and think of something else. Its just there. I want to die.

Alana

Re: So Suicidal....
Posted by diana on Sat Nov 24 06:11:41 2001 (#12132)

i totally can relate to you. i tried killing myself so many times this past month. i don't feel as if i exsist. everyone and everything is so fake. nothing is real anymore.

Re: So Suicidal....
Posted by jes on Sat Nov 24 14:12:52 2001 (#12146)

hun, i'm so sorry that uir feeling how u r. it makes me cry just thinking about it because i know how much it hurts and how desperate it can make you. But please hang in there, you are a wonderful person who will one day overcome this. take care, love xxx

dead inside
Posted by dani on Mon Nov 26 00:02:44 2001 (#12245)

i feel like im dying, im in so much pain, it even hurts to cry. ive taken a tiny overdose and i feel nothing just numb

Re: So Suicidal....
Posted by sara on Sat Nov 24 15:01:54 2001 (#12150)

alana...i remember you when you first came and how suicidal you were then...but also how you overcame it then...you can win over your deamons...email me if you need to vent...

sara :-)

Re: So Suicidal....
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Nov 24 18:07:14 2001 (#12163)

Here's a big ((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))) for you Alana. Keep going, we're all here for you. Take care. LOve, Rhonda

Re: So Suicidal....
Posted by Hughey on Sat Nov 24 18:28:02 2001 (#12165)

alana, i wish i could offer you some hope or words of wisdom however i also am trapped in this hell called life. i hate myself and want to die, but i stay alive by cutting and letting all my pain and sorrows pour out. that has been working but it gets frusterating and dying seems the only peace for a tormented soul. try to hang in there i will too hughey

Re: So Suicidal....
Posted by Alana on Sat Nov 24 18:42:42 2001 (#12166)

I wish I had some gratifying words of thanks to share with all of you...but I don't. All I can say is I appreciate the encouragement you all show me day after day. It means so much to me.

ALANA

selfish?
Posted by kim on Sat Nov 24 05:16:37 2001 (#12130)

well yeah, i was talking to my boyfriend tonight, i dont know how we got on the subject of me cutting more but we did. anyway he basically told me i was slefish and didn't care about him or any of my friends. grr...i told him he wouldnt understand, he isnt going through what i am and he doesnt feel what i feel. all he said was do you want me to start cutting and see how selfish i look. and then maybe i will understand...he was freaking out at me. he used to understand, why does he have to change... all he ever does anymore is question me, like i say something "odd" and all he says is are you alright? like the mental alright. we were in the middle of a fight and he just stops and asks if we are going to the movies tonight...what is that?!?

Re: selfish?
Posted by Silver Wolf on Sat Nov 24 07:51:19 2001 (#12139)

hmmm sounds like your man is haveing some probs dealing with your SI prob!! have you given any thought to maybe getting him more invaluved in what you are going thru?? maybe if he has internet give him this sit!! let him learn...help him come into your world and understand... if he means that much to you anyway!! if he is just a fling and you were looking to replace him then tell him to mind his own f***ing bisnuss!! but if is kinda like your soulmate then maybe that would help ...it worked for mine !! Bright Blessings Merry Part

Re: selfish?
Posted by jes on Sat Nov 24 14:16:50 2001 (#12147)

i don't know the details like how long it's been going on but maybe he's run out of things to say to you, maybe he's worrying about how long it's been going on for or how bad it it or the factthat he can do nothing but sit there and watch whilst you try to sort it out by yourself with his help when you need it. i don't know, but i do know about making it hard for friends or loved ones without meaning to, so if this makes any sense at all or if you just need to talk, feel free to mail me. love, xx

Re: selfish?
Posted by sara on Sat Nov 24 15:06:41 2001 (#12151)

kim- all people's reactions are different...of the whole 4 or 5 people who know about my cutting and not eating thing they have ALL reacted differently. one of them just shrugged it off like i told her i just bought new socks or something...one told a teacher who told a counsler, and she is probably the reason i am still alive...and one...did tell me what your boyfriend did..and it hurt...but i also had to understand where she is coming from as well. its hard...but don't give up...

sara

p.s. its just a guy...others will come :-) don't let him get to you

Re: selfish?
Posted by kim on Sat Nov 24 19:04:00 2001 (#12170)

thank you guys...you really helped me...i know he is just a guy...but he saved me, if it was not for him i wouldnt be here right now. i love him more then anything...

Re: selfish?
Posted by Alana on Tue Nov 27 02:19:32 2001 (#12356)

you are selfish.

Things are different now....
Posted by DyingtoDie on Sat Nov 24 07:14:41 2001 (#12133)

I use to be able to come to this site and say how I really felt. I use to be able to get at least some of the pain off my shoulders by coming on here. Before I knew how I felt, but things are just different now... Sometimes I don't even know what I'm feeling... My friend is talking to be again so I should be happy, but I'm just not... I'm just not feeling anything... I haven't cut for a couple of days and yesterday I had all the hope in the world to stop cutting, but I think it was all a hoax. Maybe in my head I created this false sense of security so that I could be happy again, but I've lost everything now. I think that that was my final plea to get out of this endless abyss of pain, but now I've realized that that will never happen... I want to cry, I want to be happy, I want to have a true smile again, I want to feel again, but I don't. so I have to go back to cutting... Cutting brings me down from swirling emotions. Then at other times, cutting brings up from this zombie dead state that I'm in now... I need help, but my church won't let me get any help outside of it's self... Funny, church is suppose to help, but it's almost as if they are keeping me in this pain. Michelle

Re: Things are different now....
Posted by Silver Wolf on Sat Nov 24 08:08:19 2001 (#12140)

Michelle,, Don't give up hope!! I have cut for almost 11 years...then something happend..I lost the urge to cutI don't know why I just did.. and untill this last mounth I stoped for 11 mounths!!! almost a year !!I was made known about a week ago that the man that my mother was married to ..the same man that raped me everyday just about..from the age of 7 to 10 it was just orel stuff and then on my 10th b-day he told me that he was going to make me a woman and he raped me ... it happend over and over till I was 14....I lost my life,love,happyness,myself!!I was on hairrowen..and some other things and he did cocane so I was danceing in a strip club...it was eather do that or be beatten!! well come to find out he has just been released from prison...he did not end up there for what he did to me.... no closure... I thought I was ok ..boy was I wrong!! but I only slipped 1 time... the point that I am trying to make is that no matter how long you try not to feel it will never work your sheild that you have built will come down... it needs to if you ever want to be"normal" or just to be half way happy !! you will have to find your balance!! take yourself away from your triggers..the things that make you want to cut!!!but don't give up hope .... we are all allways here if you need any one of us !!! send me an e-mail and I'll give you my number and you call anytime you feel the urge to cut!! keep your chin up for now tho!! you can make it!! Bright Blessings Merry Part

Re: Things are different now....
Posted by jes on Sat Nov 24 14:19:29 2001 (#12148)

you remind me so much of me. take care hun, and feel free to mail if u want, love, xx

Re: Things are different now....
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Nov 24 18:14:45 2001 (#12164)

Hi Michelle, HOw old are you and why is your church saying you can't go to anyone else? I don't really thing that is their decision. It's yours. If you're old enough, go find someone else to help. If you find the right therapist and maybe get on some meds, it could help you a lot. From just reading your post, you sound seriously depressed and that requires medication. I personally know quite a few people that just tell me that Tara should "snap out of it" but they truly don't understand that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It requires some type of medicine to balance that out. If you're old enough, please try to seek some outside help. And if you ever want to talk, just email me. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: Things are different now....
Posted by DyingtoDie on Sun Nov 25 05:32:42 2001 (#12182)

Why does everyone say I'm depressed? I dont' know what I am, but oh well... and I'm 17. Becky

Poem.......
Posted by DyingtoDie on Sat Nov 24 07:28:32 2001 (#12134)

I started this poem and posted it on here a while ago, and I finally added some verses to it... Here goes nothing:

My heart is like a furnase of pain, Spewing out emotions that can not be explained.

My soul burns within the heat, Searching for the "ME" that I will never meet.

I yearn for my very being to be released, From this hell of life which offers no peace.

I'm finally engulfed in the immense heat, And once again Death crys at my feet.

by RMC *aka* Michelle

This still needs work and I'm trying to improve on my writing style, but I'm not much of a writer. Most of this comes straight from my heart so I guess that's the only reason i post it. Oh well hope you like... Michelle

Re: Poem.......
Posted by Silver Wolf on Sat Nov 24 08:12:16 2001 (#12141)

if it comes from your heart then it is good no matter if it rymes or flows or whatever these writers today say .....if it is truly from you then theres bothing wrong with it!! to ..I think it sounds great...it really does ....I hope to hear some more!!! Merry Part Blessed Be

Re: Poem.......
Posted by kae on Sat Nov 24 12:19:45 2001 (#12144)

i think its beautiful.....you have a talent for putting feelings into words. do u mind if i print it out and keep it?

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: Poem.......
Posted by DyingtoDie on Sun Nov 25 04:18:26 2001 (#12176)

It'll be an honor... Michelle

Re: Poem.......
Posted by DyingtoDie on Sun Nov 25 04:50:21 2001 (#12178)

Now you know my real name and what "RMC" stands for... (Rebecca Michelle Caceres) just to let you know... (read my other post on the board and some of this might clear up and make more sense) Becky

Poem
Posted by Silver Wolf on Sat Nov 24 08:35:07 2001 (#12142)

Welcom to my hell inside there's only me blood stained thoughts that fallow my exquisite misery crawl backwards into myself return to dark and pain never step out side again nothing out there to gain the wormth of darkness comforts me so fimiliar to my soul surrounding me with silent bliss my submission its only goal loneiness softly cressing my lips bitter tears run down my face my self hated existance infliecting unbearable disgrace my time in this world is ending release from this wonderful sorrow time's scares just run too deep I don't want to see tomorrow stomp these emotions that I have inside smash these feelings that I must hide I fight these desires with tooth,nail,and fits but it's you that my soul just can't resist. as darkness and sorrow descend with the rain,I try to escape the shame and the pain my feelings don't matter to anyone I fear but that stays the same year after year.my anger and resentment could slaughter this town,but depression and sadness are bringing me down.the rain on the windsheild,the fear in my soul,my finger the trigger,as I staire down the hole,I laugh at the bang,the fire,the smoke,but still I'm alive,an etternal crule joke,I curse at the gods,yet still I wont cry,this secret will stay with me till the day that I die,I wish you could hold me,and I could tell you my fears,but these too will be hidden for millions of years.So alive I must be with these thoughts in my mind,searching for peaceI may never find....

well thats one from me !! hope it is not tooo wearied!!

Re: Poem
Posted by jes on Sat Nov 24 14:22:01 2001 (#12149)

it's really good, i like it for what ny views are worth. love, xx

Re: Poem
Posted by DyingtoDie on Sun Nov 25 04:54:22 2001 (#12179)

That was very interesting... I liked it alot... hope to hear more... Becky

just pissed off
Posted by kae on Sat Nov 24 12:32:16 2001 (#12145)

well you all remember my friend, the one who was raped by the school dux/leader....the cops went round to his place and performed a search for evidence. and boy did they find it....porn that he'd downloaded off the net, the ropes he'd used, video tapes of the incident.....a whole lot of sick, sick stuff. hes a fucking psycho....

but he denied that he'd raped her.

i am so fucked off.......i hate him, i hate him and hate him. i dont know how i will ever look at the disgusting maggot creep in future......he is foul and sick and twisted and i will NEVER forgive him.

my friend has taken SI into her own hands. she knew about me, and then she started doing it herself. she doesnt do bad stuf, nothing like what i do anyway....but she still makes such a big deal out of it....a big deal out of nothing. why is she trying to worsen the situation by adding the SI? Shes not even doing it right......but she pretends that its serious and that its all hers, as if she thought of it first and shes the big expert. she said to me tonight "we all have to resort to shit like that sometimes" as though its so great to do and that shes a fuckin martyr for it.

i know thats really bitchy, shes going through hell at the moment.....but i just hate how she stole what i had, the thing i used to cope, and used it for herself.....without even doing it right....and getting all the fuss for it.

just pisses me off.

sorry

kae

Re: just pissed off
Posted by Walking Zero on Sat Nov 24 16:53:40 2001 (#12153)

she didn't take anything from you. she just saw that maybe SI worked for you and since she's going through hell right now she uses it to help her. and abt that "doing it rigt" part, what is the way to SI right? there is no way, SI is SI no matter how much or how little you hurt yourself. there is no way of doing it "right". if she thinks that SI is helping her deal with the pain of being raped then whats your problem. you sound jealous that she's doing it too.

Re: just pissed off
Posted by kim on Sat Nov 24 18:58:40 2001 (#12168)

i know what your talking about...some people cut to be "trendy" or for the attention...but who knows...i know how you feel...my best friend is one of the few that knows that i cut...we were jeust sitting in my kitchen and out of nowhere he goes i do it too. i just looked at him, and i was like what? then he showed me his arm...it was nothing a few non-deep scratches in the middle of his arm on the opposite side of his elbow...all i said was, "you chicken" he didnt understand...i mean i always make deep cuts along my wrists or upper arms... i felt bad because i thought it was my fault that he was starting to cut. he never did it again...but i wanted to cry because i really thought that it was all my fault. he later told me that it wasnt because he jsu twanted to do it, he didnt know why. i think he did it for the attention...grr i dont know but i can see how it can bother you...

for kim...
Posted by kae on Sun Nov 25 10:11:56 2001 (#12196)

thanks for your reply, it made me feel a lot better. im glad you know how i feel!!!

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: just pissed off
Posted by jesse on Mon Nov 26 05:19:13 2001 (#12262)

sorry i'm responding a little late but..i know exactly how u feel. my friends doing the exact same thing to me and i want to kill her for it. and i feel stupid feeling like that bc i'm sure she has her reasons, but it just feels like she stole "my thing"

It's back!
Posted by Jenny on Sat Nov 24 16:38:11 2001 (#12152)

The pain is back. Its there constantly and it wont go. It like some one is inside me wanting to get out, the pain to cut and let it out. Its agnosing and I hate it

Re: It's back!
Posted by Sliver Wolf on Sun Nov 25 08:02:38 2001 (#12191)

I know how you feel..I had felt that way for the almost 12 years I have been cutting.. there is someone trying to get out...YOU!!! you know what you need and so you try to find a way to make it happen...just like we all do...sometimes something so bad or close to it happens to someone and then they become a cutter..they feel they have to hide so no one will see how bad they hurt couse they feel ashamed for what has happend!!we go inside ourselfs to hide...we shut out emotions that hurt us so we can protect our inner child...the one who was hurt !!and then just every now and then we try to come out...and then we get hurt again couse we have been hideing for so long...so we build our walls shut ppl out..and hope like hell that no one will try and get in thats going to hurt us somemore!! it sounds strange I know but after cutting for soooo long you tend to think on things for awhile!! ooo well thats just 1 theory!! I hope you start feeling better and that you find your peace!! take care and keep your chin up!! Merry Part Bright Blessings

PLEASE READ MY POEM IT MEANS ALOT TO ME
Posted by ...VäMpyRë§s... on Sat Nov 24 17:43:52 2001 (#12157)

Weeping Beauty.

Out of the shadows, into the light, Came a figure in black, her face snow white. Her head held down she walks through the mist Her expression glum, her lips blood kissed. Her hooded cloak like a ravens wing, Around her feet the wind doth sing. A single tear rolls down her cheek, Oh tell me why does such beauty weep? On past the cemerty, the bells chime two, She knows exactly what she must do. Cold is the stong, sharp is the knife, Impossible was her undying life, So vein the world, so gentle her heart, 'Twas one false love, that tore it apart.

Thankyou for taking the time to read this, it means alot to me.... VäMpyRë§s

Re: PLEASE READ MY POEM IT MEANS ALOT TO ME
Posted by Sian on Sat Nov 24 17:47:23 2001 (#12159)

truely amazing, you have great talant...

Re: PLEASE READ MY POEM IT MEANS ALOT TO ME
Posted by DyingtoDie on Sun Nov 25 04:56:00 2001 (#12180)

Thanks for posting it :) Becky

Re: PLEASE READ MY POEM IT MEANS ALOT TO ME
Posted by alex on Sun Nov 25 06:21:58 2001 (#12187)

i really liked your poem... you should post more

alex

Re: PLEASE READ MY POEM IT MEANS ALOT TO ME
Posted by ...VäMpyRë§s... on Sun Nov 25 10:47:48 2001 (#12199)

Thankyou all for you response... VäMpyRë§s

Re: PLEASE READ MY POEM IT MEANS ALOT TO ME
Posted by ...VäMpyRë§s... on Sun Nov 25 10:47:56 2001 (#12200)

Thankyou all for your response... VäMpyRë§s

Re: PLEASE READ MY POEM IT MEANS ALOT TO ME
Posted by kae on Sun Nov 25 10:19:00 2001 (#12197)

hey i like it, i love poems that rhyme well and have a meaning.

kae

Re: PLEASE READ MY POEM IT MEANS ALOT TO ME
Posted by star on Mon Nov 26 11:54:17 2001 (#12295)

WOw that was so amazing baby you have a real talent i think that poem is so beautiful yet so tragic and true. Take care Star xx (amz)

Re: PLEASE READ MY POEM IT MEANS ALOT TO ME
Posted by jes on Mon Nov 26 14:21:12 2001 (#12301)

that is really really good. i congratulate you on being talented. :-) xxx

Re: PLEASE READ MY POEM IT MEANS ALOT TO ME
Posted by Emma on Mon Nov 26 14:49:13 2001 (#12302)

thats so amazing!! wow! I wrote a kinda song the other day and i was gonna post it but i cant remember how it went,lol. Well done babe, thats beautiful Emm xxx

Blurry
Posted by Alana on Sat Nov 24 18:45:08 2001 (#12167)

Everything's so blurry and everyone's so fake and everybody's empty and everything is so messed up pre-occupied without you I cannot live at all My whole world surrounds you I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone you could be my scene you know that i'll protect you from all of the obscene I wonder what your doing imagine where you are there's oceans in between us but that's not very far

Can you take it all away can you take it all away well ya shoved it in my face this pain you gave to me Can you take it all away can you take it all away well ya shoved it my face

Everyone is changing there's noone left that's real to make up your ending and let me know just how you feel cause I am lost without you I cannot live at all my whole world surrounds you I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone you could be my scene you know that i will save you from all of the unclean I wonder what your doing I wonder where you are There's oceans in between us but that's not very far

Nobody told me what you thought nobody told me what to say everyone showed you where to turn told you when to runaway nobody told you where to hide nobody told you what to say everyone showed you where to turn showed you when to runaway

This pain you give to me

you take it all you take it all away... explain again to me you take it all away explain again to me take it all away explain again

- Puddle of Mudd

Re: Blurry
Posted by kim on Sat Nov 24 19:01:00 2001 (#12169)

i love that song...its just great...the way the lead singer sings it and all...you can almost feel his pain

Re: Blurry
Posted by Mego on Sun Nov 25 06:09:58 2001 (#12184)

hey man, i put that song on repeat last night and fell asleep listening to it. rock on bro!

Finding it too hard
Posted by Alana on Sun Nov 25 02:17:20 2001 (#12175)

I'm finding it very hard to keep myself alive lately. Whats the point? I don't even know who I am anymore. I look in the mirror and I see this hallow face...there's nothing inside of there that makes me who I am. All thats inside are feelings of worthlesness and death. DEATH is all my mind can handle...everything else can take a back seat to death, cuz death is the only answer.

Think about it...we'll never make it out of this world alive....

Alana

PS I know what I need. I need dick.

Re: Finding it too hard
Posted by alex on Sun Nov 25 06:18:15 2001 (#12186)

i know how you feel... i have been there two times before... i am not cured... but i know that i am put here for a reason and so are you... you must find some strenght inside yourself... to feel like you are something in this world...

dig into your talents, your joys, what makes you tick in life... this will not help you get over your cutting... but you will start feeling like you are still worth something in the end...

draw, buy music, sleep in silk sheets, take a long shower, sit outside... feel life... you are more than what is in the mirror

you will make it... life is worth living... alex

Re: Finding it too hard
Posted by Silver Wolf on Sun Nov 25 08:14:52 2001 (#12192)

Alana, I totaly agree with alex..once you find that inner strength you will look in the mirror one day and say "ooo so there you are!!" thats one of the many reasons we start cutting in the frist place is couse we feel left out and have no clue where we are headed in this life...almost like being on a roller coaster!! never knowing where the next cruve is couse your going sooo fast that you can't open your eyes!!give yourself the chance to find out who you are...if you were totly down we would not be haveing this talk!! couse you would not be here in this world!!soooo for some reason you stay here you have some deep reason for staying alive!! as long as you still have that fire you will A OK !! and as long as you keep in touch with us here maybe togeather we can help find you and each other!! Bright Blessings Merry Part

Re: Finding it too hard
Posted by mai on Sun Nov 25 21:47:53 2001 (#12236)

yeh life sucks but your time will come so life with it until you die.. thats all you can do fuck it

This is who I am....
Posted by DyingtoDie on Sun Nov 25 04:44:28 2001 (#12177)

Find Dawn you want to screw up my freaking life... Here it is... I'm Becky the same Becky that was here a while ago who left because someone on here called the cops on me because I was gonna committ suicide... (not suggesting that they were wrong by doing that though) but yeah. It's me. OH and incase you are wondering "michelle" is my middle name. (the poem i post yesterday under RMC Rebecca Michelle Caceres) I never really meant to hide behind that name I just didn't want the cops coming over my house again freaking out the whole neighborhood... Do you even want my email address: GodsAllSufficientGrace@hotmail .com .... I'm not hiding from anyone... Dawn now you know. I'm totally open now... and I didn't post under a different name because "things got to hot" i did it because I want any ore visits... Some of this doesn't apply to any of you, but screw everything as if i care life already sucks... Rebecca

Re: This is who I am....
Posted by kae on Sun Nov 25 10:39:53 2001 (#12198)

i wasnt here when that happened.....but what Dawn did probably saved you from doing something very stupid. you sound like a great person, you are talented and sound like fun. it would have been terrible to see that all go to waste......please.....just hear me out.

i would have been pissed off too, if it had been me. my folks would have asked so many questions and all hell woulda broken loose. so i can understand that ur pretty fucked off with how it happened. but what matters is that you're still here with us. you're important. i agree that life sucks, it fuckn sucks beyond belief. but some ppl reckon life is good. maybe it gets better, who knows? maybe we just have to stick it out, just wait and see what happens. i believe we all have a destiny and we just have to keep chugging along to find out what it is.

fuck i sound like a goddam self-help book from a cheap shop. feel free to abuse me if this sounds as fucked up to you as it does to me!

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: This is who I am....
Posted by kim on Sun Nov 25 18:43:17 2001 (#12215)

kae, you didnt sound like a self-help book...everything you said was true and hopefully it will help rebecca

Becky I'm Glad you're mad, it show guts
Posted by Dawn on Tue Nov 27 05:09:23 2001 (#12370)

Becky I told you right up front as we got closer that the only time I would give out what information I knew was if it was clear that suicide was emminent (sp?).

Kae and Kim are right life sucks, and when our minds get filled to capacity with memories and feelings and an increasing amount of anger we release it, cutting saves our lives, but taking our lives means only that the people who deserve punishment for what they did to us go scot free.

You may be angry. I give you my permission, because your anger towards me is not about me, it is about the change going on inside of you.

You came on this board "God'sallsufficantlove or grace" and then your changed to Dying to die. That means the infection inside you is boiling its way to the surface. You would rather take your life than to let your father be accountable for molesting you and your sister.

You told me you would lie if someone came to your house. That means the ball is in your court.

You are facing the same choices and conscequences than thousands of young girls face. Many of them find the courage to tell, and to testify, and face whatever conscequences come their way in order to get away from their abuser.

Last night your told me I didn't deserve to hurt myself because of what my ex-husband did to me.... Well Becky you don't deserve to cut up your body and consider suicide for what your father did to you and your sister.

Here is a question. If you don't stop him who will he touch next? Maybe daughters you have some day? or maybe your friends... like the friends father you touched you. If he touched you....who is to say whether he touched her as well.

Right now you don't know who to trust? yet I ask you to trust me. And I have not said anything on this board you have not already said.

Just look at how far you have come... from a girl whose pain was bottled up so much you were all peaches and cream. Now you've told everyone who reads this board that your father and your friends father has touched you and you hate your body.

I hate my body too. But I cannot turn my father in because he died before I remember how he bathed me until I was 10.

Does it really boil down to "no one will believe me.... my father has a good reputation in the church?" Well child molesters can be found everywhere. Read the newspaper, listen to the news. But most of the stories are not told for 20 years because 20 years ago the world didn't believe the child. But times have changed.

Becky do you know that 1 in 3 children are molested before they turn 8 or is it 10. And now child molesters can get help, and many are returned to their families it they confess and get help.

Becky I Love you... I love you when you get mad at me and tell me I'm screwing up your life. And I love you when you console me or someone else. I love you when you tell me to leave you alone, and later when you write and tell me you are sorry. I love you Becky

Dawn
Posted by DyingtoDie on Wed Nov 28 01:05:45 2001 (#12410)

Thanks, but You know I can't tell anyone... I'm not gonna ruin my parent's marriage... It's not right. I can't put my mom through that... I can't make the rest of my family go through that... I can't go through that. I don't want to feel all those emotions again... Plus I can't go through that embarrassment... What will people think of me? I'll feel disgusting. I'll be paranoid... Gosh I'm so paranoid that you people know, what will happen if I tell people here where I live? I couldn't handle that...

But Dawn I was never really mad at you even when I go into my little mood swings (which you were right I do change moods very fast) and while I'm on the subject, why do I go into mood swings and why do the slightest thing change me so fast? well I just think maybe you would know since you seem to know alot.

Anyway but all this will end when my father dies... All these feelings will die with him.

And my friend's dad, I was gonna file a sexual harrassment suit against him (my pastor's wife told me too because she saw some things that went on) But I also can't ruin my friendship. Me and this girl were best friends and then we found out that she was a lesiban (with my other best friend) and our church threatened her adn told her not to come back. They also told her that she wasn't allow to be friends with anyone in the school or church... At first it didn't matter because I didn't know how to deal with the fact that my best friend was a lesiban. But then I realized that that was stupid because it's the person that counts. (by the way she's not anymore) But I dont' know it's a long story, but I can't put her through anymore crap... Yeah her father wasn't right, but she doesn't deserve to be hurt again... And what about her brother and sister. they don't deserve to have to think bad things about their father...

I don't know... I'm sorry Dawn. I can't. I feel so bad. I'm just sorry that all this has turned out so bad... I"m sorry I should go... Becky

Becky....You are the innocent one
Posted by Dawn on Wed Nov 28 03:27:25 2001 (#12413)

It makes me so angry that kids feel like they have to protect their mother's, their parents marriages, their own reputation, as well as the reputation of the family and the church.

YOU are the one to be protected. You father, your friend's father, and your church are the ones who are suppose to be protecting you. But child molesters twists things around and convince children that if they tell the conscequence will be their fault.

Becky I've spoken with people in your state and in your town. They all tell me that you are of age to get help on your own. Your church is keeping you silent so that you will not bring reproach against them and they are not considering the price that brainwashing is doing to you.

Becky you love your family, your friends, your church so you are protecting them out of love. I ask you where is their love for you? Why are they not the ones turning people in for childmolesting and refusing you the help you need?

You are smart. You say yourself your church isn't wanting you to let people outside of the church Know what is happening with your cutting. Is it helping you or hurting you?

Now I can get a lot of critisim for what I am about to say, but Becky I've listen to many women who deem themselves liesbians, because their fathers, grandfathers, uncles, and cousins, or other males have raped or molested them.

But many go straight after they have been in therapy for awhile and discovered that not all men are sexual preditators.

And for the record I do not believe that ALL homosexuals have been sexually abused, and "turned" to the other side because of abuse.

Becky, here is another one of my stories. My sister who is two years older than me was married to a man who worked for an electric company at a powerhouse on a river. There were a dozen or two families living in a cluster of homes near the power plant. All the kids played together, grew up together, spent nights at each other's homes.

My sister had two daughters. Sometimes my nieces went and stayed a few days with another of my sisters. On one of those visits the oldest girl mentioned something to my sister, whom she was staying with, about a neighbor who would come into the room in the middle of the night and put his hands under the covers and touch her.

My sister called my neice's mother and her mother talked to her younger daughter and the two girls told the same story. Within an hour or so it was discovered that this man, whom everyone trusted so well had been touching all the girls and telling them not to tell because something bad would happen to their parents. So all these girls had not told anyone. The man was arrested. His family was moved out of the camp within hours of their father's arrest for 18 counts of child molestation.

Then the company which had lots of money and lawyers somehow managed to hush the whole thing up. My neices didn't get counseling, because their mother had never had counseling when my father molested her when she was little so she didn't see any need for it.

Several years later both girls had problems with drugs and alcohol, and boys. Later the oldest had a baby out of wedlock which was hushed up as well.

Now that my neice is older and married she told her mother that her life would not have been so screwed up if she could had talked about her molestation..

TRUE STORY... HONEST TO GOD.

My sisters do not, or did not, believe that talking things through helped at all. But a few years ago. My sister, whose girls it is I talked about, finally went to counseling after her husband put a gun in her face and said "Today you die". I talked her into going to the doctor because he had dislocated her jaw. And her husband was arrested. My sister told me one day that if we had all been able to talk about our lives, we would not have had such bad marriages.

Becky you are not the first person to get mad at me because I believe in getting outside help. And you won't be the last.

One day I was walking to church and was talking to God about going public and telling people about my life and my family's lives and God whispered in my ear, "Are you ready to count the cost?" Then we discussed what the costs would be. And God said to me, "People will get mad at you." I thought he was talking about the men whose wives I talked into leaving their husbands who drank and raped and beat them. Because that was before I learned what "child molestation" meant and remembered how my father touched me when he bathed me, or of all the other boys and girls, even my best one and only girlfriend, and all the others.

I don't want to cut myself anymore Becky. I've been hurt too much already. Come to me anytime you need to. I'm your friend, good times and bad.

I'm not innocent
Posted by DyingtoDie on Wed Nov 28 06:45:10 2001 (#12418)

I can't be innocent. I let these things happen because I was too scared to say no... I didn't have to obey them when they told me to do things, but I chose to because I of afraid of getting hit...

And the people in my church, they care about me I know they do, but they just have a hard time showing it... None of the leaders ever talks to me anymore. I mean in the summer when I worked at church they all were fine and dandy with me, but then they found out about my cutting and everything stopped... I stopped getting work at the church, No one ever said anything to me, and just things like that. But I mean I think they still like me, but they just don't know what to say maybe...

And my church doesn't want me to go somewhere else because they honestly believe that my problem doesn't need help, but it's just that my heart is not right with God... But I agree with that... I've always been taught that if you get right with God then you wouldn't struggle with these kinds of things... That is part of the reason I was so afraid to come on here because talkign abotu my sin openly isn't a very good thing, and I was afraid to really ever talk to any other SIers because you know "they have heart problems" that need to be settled with God.

Plus if I went to somewhere outside of my church for help, then I would be fired. (I work on the school staff, and I'm sure they would have asked me not to teach anymore once they found out about cutting, but couldn't just change their mind with out giving the public a reason why. So right there, they are protecting me by not letting everyone know.)

But anyway, so you're are sayign that I make you cut? Yeah and you want me to go to other people so they can be upset too? I dont' think so. That is wrong and see if I talk to people I just feel like I'm a burden to them. I dont' know I'm sorry if I do make you think about your past... I'm really sorry if I ever hurt you... Please forgive me... And sorry if this doesn't make much sense... Becky

becky...read this please
Posted by kim on Wed Nov 28 17:31:22 2001 (#12431)

becky, about your moods always changing...have you ever been tested for being bi polar? it is usually passed down from parent to child. i live with it everyday...one second i will be the happiest person, then the next i just want to kill myself. it can be treated...with the right meds and everything. my mom suffers with this too.

Re: becky...read this please
Posted by DyingtoDie on Wed Nov 28 22:11:00 2001 (#12459)

I've never been tested or whatever, but I've never gone to any where for help so maybe that's why, but I don't think any of my parents have it either. I must just be the odd ball of the family... OH well becky

Today
Posted by DyingtoDie on Sun Nov 25 05:10:56 2001 (#12181)

I was in the fitting room today and I was tryign on some outfit and I pulled my shirt off and I finally saw the mess that I've made of my self... It seemed so bright in the fitting disgustingly bright... I guess I never really realized the extent of my self harm because I only do it in my room and there the lights are dim... I don't know it was like a horrifing realization to me about what I have become... But something good did happen today... I was workign in some neighbor hood where i didn't know anyone and I was taking my dog for a walk so he wouldn't go to the bathroom in the house. (I fix houses working for my parents. I hate the job but they make me do it...) Anyway so I took my little dog for a while and it was nice weather outside so I took off my sweat shirt and I finally felt free. Of course I had a t-shirt on underneath, but my arms were there all mangled, but free. It was so amazing for once the huge burden of hiding my cuts was lifted and I was open for the world to see the true me...

Re: Today
Posted by Mego on Sun Nov 25 06:14:07 2001 (#12185)

thats awesome, i would do anything in the world for that feeling. congradulations. you've accomplished something, i dont know what it is, but it is something

Re: Today
Posted by Silver Wolf on Sun Nov 25 08:36:07 2001 (#12193)

Thats wonderfull news!! I am very happy for you...if can get to the point that you accept who you are and what you do then who cares what the world thinks of your scares!! those are yours and yours alone...they mean something to you ...and maybe instead of looking at them as anger or sadness..look at them more like battel..and that the less you do it the more you have wone!!you have a wonderfull yet very jaded spirit .... and you have more then likly been hurt alot or have seen a lot of hurting...but remember if you can learn to learn from every cutting and every set back and every pain and every sadness..then you will start to feel...and you will start to heal..if you walk away from a situation good or bad learning nothing then you have neather gained nor lost it just seems as tho you have lost!!yes some things do happen for a reason stupid tho they may be..leassionless tho they may seem..there is always something to be learnd!! you just have to open your heart to what the univers has to say ...don't worry about what other ppl think about your scares couse you have alot of here who do understand more then you know and soon you will start to meet ppl just like you that you did not even know were there...I am not saying to shove your armes in everyone face.. just if someone asks think fast.. if you feel you can trust them then let them in !! the univers will send you who you will need to help you thru...all you have to do is listen to what your heart tells you..past the hurt and the fear,hate,and sadness.... Merry Part Blessed Be Bright Blessings!! p.s if you should need anything just e-mail me !!

Re: Today
Posted by kim on Sun Nov 25 18:49:48 2001 (#12217)

i know that feeling so well. i am so used to hiding my arms. i love it when i am around someone that knows i cut and it okay with it and i can wear tank tops or a short sleeved shirt and show my cuts and scars. and i love it even more when they say nothing about it, they just act like it is apart of me and there is nothing wrong with it. even though they have talks with me to try and help me stop...i really love my few close friends...i dont know who or where i would be without them

Re: Today
Posted by Dawn on Tue Nov 27 05:21:47 2001 (#12371)

Today I went to the grocery store, took off my raincoat and backpack and put them in the cart. on my left arm from the elbow to the wrist is a big white bandage. I had a tshirt on and if anyone took notice I didn't see it. I am me. I never hide my scars.....Love you lots...Dawn

scared and scared
Posted by alex on Sun Nov 25 06:07:25 2001 (#12183)

i have been doing this for 3 years now... i have so many scars i am scared i will never be normal again...

my heart pounds and feels like it is being held tight when i think of what i have done. I look at pictures of others like me and i cry inside for them, because they remind me of myself... all my pain and anger is seen in others in there pain on there faces... I wish i could meet them all and talk to them all...

i don't want to do this anymore... but what am i to do... i can never get rid of it.... never... why... why do i have to be afraid of myself and what i will do to myself...

i am afraid of confict... uncontroled emotions... for i fear that it will make me cut myself...

sometimes i can't breathe... i want to go back to when i didn't do this... where i was reminded on a daily basis what my pain looks like... i now will never beable to forget my pain... for it is always going to be visiable to me... in the from of a scar... alway...

please i just want to stop

alex

Re: scared and scared
Posted by Alana on Sun Nov 25 06:48:01 2001 (#12188)

You just wrote everything I've been trying to say for 4 years.

Thanks.

Alana

Re: scared and scared
Posted by Silver Wolf on Sun Nov 25 08:54:35 2001 (#12194)

To Alex & Alana, Take it from someone who has been cutting on and off for 12 years... you will have your ups and downs...you will have your urges to cut ... what you must do now is find your triggers...what makes you want to cut..then from there remover your trigger..if it is a person lets say.......pisses you off or hurts your feelings maybe a boyfriend or girlfriend..bad brake up or just another fight...if they seem to be helping you cut then get away from them for awhile!!what you need to do is go inside yourself not to hid but to find... find an emotion that does not hurt so bad and bring it out...go thru it and get used to it !! you have to not worry about so many other things....slow down your roller coaster!! things right now seem all over the place and when you try to take too much controll over your feelings and stop them all togeather...well we tend to do more harme then good !! find ppl that you feel at ease with ppl that if you feel like tearing down and just crying they wont look at you like you were an alien or something!! get you a grupe... find your strangth that you have..for if you were not strong then you would be dead already!!you just have to learn how to release your feelings.... besides on your self couse it goes nowhere but back inside you truning toxic...and thats what in the end gets us all!! I know this seems stupid but if you look at it from your good eye you will see what I mean..and it will make sens..just step back look not with a jaded eye....but with an eye of hope. things will get better you will slip and fall ..but the point is not to fall too often and stay on the ground!!get back up and go on!!hole your chin up and know that you have a major place in this life that why you have so much shit to go thru...we are the worriers of this life...we are the future leaders and helpers...what we go thru only makes us stronger and able to help others!! if you want to that mountain that sits in your heart frist learn to fly.... Bright Blessings Blessed Be

Re: scared and scared
Posted by kim on Sun Nov 25 18:55:41 2001 (#12218)

the first step in stopping is wanting to stop...it looks like you have gotten there!! and the whole thing about the triggers...with me its like...i'll get in a fight i will cut, sae with like bad grades, or pissing my parents off, i will just cut. also when i think too much i will cut...thats the whole thing with some people even if they take away the things that make them cut, you can still think about them...grr i think i should just be locked in a room by myself...woth nothing...no one

Cutting is scary, because we see no end to it
Posted by Dawn on Tue Nov 27 11:38:58 2001 (#12386)

Alex, I'm a talker, though I've never talked directly to you before this. 3 year, gee my third year was eons ago.

But you know I dealt with my pain differently at different time in my life. I guess bed wetting was how I dealt with things after my father slit his wrists when I was 10, stealing began somewhere around that time, then hitch-hiking, drugs, alcohol, trying to control my husband's drinking by drinking with him, then smoking dope with him to get him to come home after work instead of coming home late and wasted on his ass,trying to control my kids behavior by screaming at them, beating the bed right beside them in an attempt to scare them into doing what I told them. But Alex... each and every method I used to control my environment and my feelings, and my husband and childreds behavior and their feelings escalated into insanity and violence, NOT TOWARD MY HUSBAND, he possessed fire power, but I became violent with my kids in ways that almost made my mother look saintly....But my violence toward my kids stopped short of murder.

God loves me, as bad as I was. He loves me still. He loves me enough to let me make my own choices. My husband (bad choice, marrying him twice right choice) that was a good choice because I wasn't ready to let go of him. And with the kids... I tried for 4 years to tone down my screaming, and beating them, but the years of pain warped my mind and I had to go to threshold of murder before I made the choice to stop abusing my kids, just like I had to go to the threshold of prison before I stopped shoplifting. The drugs and alcohol was not like that, but cutting to stop memories and feelings is harder, because God is not going to rewrite my life for me and take out all the bad and replace it with happy memories. That I have to do on my own.

I tell my lengthy stories because they were all secrets I couldn't share with people. And when I started telling my secret life to my family I was asked if I was making it all up by my brother, who was never raped. And my sisters just brushed it aside because my father molested them before me, and they were all raped, beaten or abused in other ways by their boyfriends or husbands. But they see no need to remember or feel their feelings, so they just keep making the same mistakes and expecting different outcomes, which is how I was sexually abused by gangs, friends (both girls and boys), service men, and married men on their lunch hours.

The point is we all cut, or burn, or carve our bodies up for a reason and it takes so much energy protecting ourselves from memories and feelings, or the threat of breaking up what appears on the surface to be the ideal family, that we cannot do well in stressful situations, or around things that trigger memories and feelings.

I may be sounding like I'm an expert, and I am. I am the best expert in "me". You, or others on the board may be wiser and more stable than I am. And some don't like my lectures.

But I want to leave you with something you or others do not know. It is that memories come to all our senses; smell, words, music, phrases, sounds, the size of a child, the texture of some foods, and our bodies. You may be in the most peaceful place you have and parts of your body may begin to behave as if you were being touched, or other ways of sexual encounters and your breathing may react, you may even leave your body until the danger is gone.

That is what Silverwolf was speaking of. It takes courage to sometimes acknowledge the feelings and memories so that you do not cut when they come up. But sometimes they catch you off guard and you get sucked into the memory, like I did last night, and you may cut. But the sooner you are back on top of things the easier it is to cutting less and less til you don't cut at all.

Obviously I'm not there yet, but it took me till I was edging my way to 40 before I started remembering my childhood. Which is not entirely true. I remembered things that were eventful, but forgot what I had put away. Now I'd dealing with those things. And it is hard arduous work. I believe you and everyone else on this board can conquer cutting, or I wouldn't keep coming back.

Who the fuck am I?
Posted by Alana on Sun Nov 25 06:52:00 2001 (#12189)

Who am I? I look in the mirror and its this hollow reflection of nothingness. I'm nobody. I haven't a clue who lives in me anymore. Its not me. I use to be so sweet, and so much fun...full of life. WHo am I? Somebody please answer me and show me who I am....I can't think anymore. I can't stand who's living in me. I can't do it anymore. I'm losing myself so quickly. Ok, this is my desperate cry for help. I need so much help, and I don't know where to go to get it. My mind is beyond blurry. Everything seems fake, like nothing ever happened. I have memories and I remember things, but it wasn't me who experienced them, it was the old Alana. I have this whole dissociative outlook on my memories, I'm looking from above, but I don't remember how I felt and how I was affected. I was just there looking down on her, just waiting for my time to come in and destroy that beautiful little girl. I am hate and I am anger. I am torment, and I am shame. I am everything she was scared of.

The old me died, and I wasn't even there for the funeral. Nobody was.

Alana

Re: Who the fuck am I?
Posted by kae on Sun Nov 25 10:51:20 2001 (#12201)

Alana, you're still you......yes, you have changed, everyone does.....but you dont like what you've changed into, right? I think of what i used to be like, i was soo innocent and sweet and angelic.....now im carving myself up and watching my own blood run down my body. The 'old' me didnt even know what the fuck si was, let alone thought about it.

The world is a cruel place. When we are young, we are sheltered from the shit it throws at us. then we grow up, and suddenly we are confronted with pain, cruelty, alcohol, drugs, crime, and shit knows what else. it hurts us, it changes us forever. we all experience it differently, and we all deal with it differently....but, deep down, we stay the same person. nobody can take that away from us....

the bottom line is, life is about facing the shit that is thrown at us and fighting back. thats what im trying to do....its fuckn hard and yes i want to give up at times....but i dont, because theres no fuckn way im going to let the cruelty of this fucked up world win me over.

thats my view anyway.

luv 'n hugz ....take care, alana....kae

Re: Who the fuck am I?
Posted by hughey on Sun Nov 25 16:41:30 2001 (#12209)

alana, the last time i was raped over a year ago i too felt like my soul died. i truely think i died that night. its hard to remember pieces of a former life when things were a little more real. its hard to go through the motions of living when we are dead inside. thinking of you - hughey

Re: Who the fuck am I?
Posted by alex on Sun Nov 25 22:56:17 2001 (#12243)

you sumed up how most of us like you feel... we all want our old self back.... i wish i could remember how i used to deal with things before i started doing this... i don't even know... i feel like there is no other alternative for me... the only thing that i found to help me a little is my best friend nathan... he lets me run to him when i need him... but most of the time i fee like i henderance to him.. and i feel like i am going to chase him away with my sickness... so i don't run to him most of the time... even though i know he wants me too...

i wish i could hold you and be there when you needed someone... i understand how you feel...

alex

I am weeping, for you, for all of us
Posted by Dawn on Mon Nov 26 03:11:06 2001 (#12247)

Alana, I don't know if you will read my response, but I believe somone will. Your post has made typing words out difficult, not that I look at the keys, but it is hard to read the words through my tears.

I have been trying to discover who I am for so many years, and what I discover is who I am now is who I am now. I am my past, shattered, broken, bleeding on the inside, rarely on the outside these days.

I haven't been on the board because my attention has almost totaly been about how to stop my body from hurting, and letting the hurts in my heart weep from the broken heart tattoo on my upper chest I got last month. Life gets to hard to deal with all the problems in life all at the same time.

Look for yourself in who you are now, look at the hurts and how you deal with them and if the how isn't making them go away or heal, find a new way.

I will tell you that I tried alcohol and pot for years, and shoplifting from the time I was 7 or 8 to age 29 when I almost went to jail for ten years. I knew I deserved those ten years, but I believe God wanted me somewhere else so that I would finaly get tired or trying everything I could think of to change me life and find peace,

That day finally came and so did the peace, but it wasn't and isn't a peace where I had no more problems, but that I could talk to God and listen to what He was saying to me. But for years I couldn't do exactly what that was. I still tried to control my family and my marriage, and all the problems in my life..... and all the while He was telling me to let go of the controls and if my world crumbled around me then so be it. I was in His hands.

And in 1986 I let each of my family decide how they wanted their lives to be, and they wanted it the way it was. And I wanted peace so I left my children, my home and a husband who raped me often, and in perverted ways, who threatened to kill me, even after I left. Till I had to move farther away. And I lived in fear for years whenever I saw a truck like his until my children told me he didn't have it anymore.

Then I knew peace in a different way, only as you talked about leaving your body and remembering, well since I was free of my ex-husband, I needed to begin the process of getting free of the trauma of my memories. It was so weird, I had a deep down inner peace with God, but on the surface my life was hell on earth as all the memmories as far back as me being probed while someone changed my diaper. That person, whoever he was stole "me" and a defiled me was born.

This is getting very long, but if no one reads it it doesn't really matter. I am speaking it. I hate the defiled me that has felt like a human body marked by men as a sexual conquest.

But that is not the me I am now. I've cut and I've prayed for forgiveness, then realized I was not the guilty party, so I asked for cleansing and God has reminded me time and again I have been cleansed from evertything, that the memories and feelings are mental illusions.

Many on this board wonder if anyone will ever love them if they knew about the cutting. Well I met a man 4 years ago and he is better than a husband, and more than just a neighbor. 2 years ago he moved several hundreds of mile to where I am simply because I asked him to. He loves me, when I have stitches, when I'm so irratable I can't even stand myself, and when he gets irratable I send him to his apartment next door to mine. His number is on all my phones speed dial and all I have to do is push a button and say "I need you" and he is at my side before I can hang up the phone.

I have peace. not a non-probematic life, not without urges to cut, and not without months of not cutting. But I am happy with the way my life is going. I talk to my therapist every week, either in her office or on the phone, and she tells me she can even come to my house if I need her too.

Life for me is the best its even been. and if it can be that way for me who has been a sex toy for over 150 different people, including my ex who was so perverted he wanted me to let my dogs clean me off after having sex one day.

Can you even comprehend how horrible the idea still is for me. he was my husband. He was suppose to love me.....

Tears are rolling off my cheeks and my minds is wondering where my scissors are and what appointments I have this week that would keep me from cutting... and there is none.

Just me. Its my decision. My insides wants to cut away all the pain this typing has brought up. I want to tell you I won't do it that I'm better now. But this is too much.

Hope I haven't sent all of you running to your "friends". It just all spilled out. I hope you understand that I may be 49 and the incident with the dog was in 1985, but right now I wish I knew about cutting back then, Thank You God that I didn't.

Re: I am weeping, for you, for all of us
Posted by star on Mon Nov 26 12:09:08 2001 (#12296)

A post has never moved me so much, im so speechless you are an amazing woman dawn you have been through so much that i cant even comprehend, you may have weak patches (doesnt everyone) but you have inspired me so much you are a true woman of God i am struggling with faith at the moment i might as well admit it, to myelf as well my mum and step-dad are saying im not a christian any more as i dont go to church anymore etc but i dont think that makes people Christian i know they are but i dont think its fair to pressure me to do something i dont want to do, i dont feel comftable with all the *normal* people there as i never want to be on of them or to be like them and im not going to thats what the problem is, im not comftabke there and i dont think i will ever be yet i have faith inside and i pray etc doesnt that make me a christian? its so wierd as all these fears have been sown yet i dont know why i believe things just cause im told, its really hard. Im sorry i didnt mean to go off in a tangent about me i was meaning to say how amazing you are and that your post was saddening yet inspiring. May God bless you Love always Amz xxx (star)

Re: Who the fuck am I?
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 26 04:17:00 2001 (#12253)

I know what it feels like to lose yourself... but you will find it again. One day things won't be so bad. Your past will die along with the people that have hurt you. At least I hope it will. Please take care of yourself. Becky

Sadness
Posted by RealityBandage on Sun Nov 25 07:06:17 2001 (#12190)

I've been kind of happy the last couple days cause of this girl...and like she was supposed to call me and she didn't. I haven't talked to her for...10 hours, and I'm really sad. I'm sure it isn't anything important to you guys but I feel like cutting because she promised she'd call and she never did. :(

Zoa

Re: Sadness
Posted by Silver Wolf on Sun Nov 25 09:03:00 2001 (#12195)

hey hang in there it will be ok !!you never know...maybe she will call!! give her a chance!!

Re: Sadness
Posted by RealityBandage on Sun Nov 25 18:19:52 2001 (#12212)

She didn't....I have three new wounds on my leg though.

Re: Sadness
Posted by Silver Wolf on Sun Nov 25 18:45:16 2001 (#12216)

I am sorry to hear that!! I'll call ya if it makesyou feel any better!!!:) Merry Part Blessed Be

Re: Sadness
Posted by kim on Sun Nov 25 19:12:00 2001 (#12219)

isnt it amazing how by someone just not calling you it can cause so much pain. my boyfriend always says he will call me later but he never does...grr it gets me so mad and i just feel like crying. he always uses the excuse "oh i had a fire call" all the time?? maybe but i think he used that just to get off the hook sometimes

Re: Sadness
Posted by RealityBandage on Sun Nov 25 22:43:46 2001 (#12240)

Yea, she said she was over at a friends and she was thinking about me. I don't know anymore...I"m listening to Marilyn Manson at the moment, LOL. So, that means I'm still sad. hehe...well, I guess I'll go. You're so nice Silverwolf, hehe.

Just remember when you think you're free, the crack inside your fuckin heart is me, Zoa

Re: Sadness
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 26 06:33:18 2001 (#12278)

Zoa hey trust me no girl is worth hurting yourself over. I'm a girl I should knwo what I'm talkign about... I have a feelign that you are too good for her anyway. take care.. Becky

Re: Sadness
Posted by Silver Wolf on Mon Nov 26 09:46:51 2001 (#12290)

yeah I agree with becky ...you are too good for her!!!:)

Re: Sadness
Posted by RealityBandage on Mon Nov 26 12:44:56 2001 (#12299)

Okay, just for the record, I'm bisexual, not gay. Um....she has it off a lot worse then me, her father beats her and does other stuff *cough cough*. I'm gonna try to help her. I'm going to school and gonna ask for help from my health teacher. I just gotta be careful so that I don't talk too loud because the conselor's office is right next to the health room and I hate conselors.

Re: Sadness
Posted by kim on Mon Nov 26 21:52:46 2001 (#12329)

you are a great person for wanting to help her...and what does it matter if you are bisexual, gay straight? it doesnt...we are all here for you

Re: Sadness
Posted by RealityBandage on Tue Nov 27 02:40:34 2001 (#12365)

Doesn't I guess. heehee

I feel better.
Posted by Jenny on Sun Nov 25 15:04:45 2001 (#12204)

Well.......................... I didn't cut last night coz I didnt need to so i felt pleased with my self then today I woz slashing my jeans for effect with a razor blade and I got my leg it woz so deep and even though I didnt mean to do it I still got the same rush as I do when I cut. Its a strange feeling that I got like I didnt need to cut but I did it anyway. I woz really deep coz the jeans were so hard to get through so it hurt and wouldnt stop bleeding so I had to tell my step mum and she z have u been cutting again so i went through the whole story of the jeans even though there were loadsa cuts on them she still wouldnt believe me. Where has al the trush gone?

Re: I feel better.
Posted by kim on Sun Nov 25 19:16:52 2001 (#12220)

i know what its like when someone doesnt believe you about this sorta thing. the only that really matters, is that you know you did not cut your leg on purpose

I feel better.
Posted by Jenny on Sun Nov 25 15:04:54 2001 (#12205)