Personal Stories   Poetry   Pictures   Coping   FAQ's   Articles   Book Store

You are here: Home > Archive > Ratatosk.net Forum > Threads 3001 to 3050

Threads 3001 to 3050

feeling kinda weird......
Posted by Amanda on Sun Nov 11 14:20:34 2001 (#11778)

ok so no cuts for bout a month, so im really happy coz of that. but yesterday i was in town with all my mates, and like me they are gothic. wot i didnt know is that one of them is like me in another way. he cuts. i really want to be able to talk to him bout it but i dont know him that well. he was talking about it yesterday and i kept quiet. then a load of other ppl started saying they had done it. i dont know why but i felt really awful, part of me wanted to tell them all that i do and part of me wanted to tell them to shut up and stop "showing off" bout it. they werent showin off but part of me felt like they were. especially blondie(the first guy i mentioned) i just felt so odd. im so used to hiding my secret and not wanting to hear about it or anythin, and there i was surrounded by all these ppl who r comparing scars/cuts and i felt left out. it was so strange i should have felt like i fitted in as they all go through what i do. but i felt like the odd one out. when im with my mates who dont cut i feel accepted as they dont talk about it or say anything to me. and then i ended up yesterday with all these other friends who i thought didnt do it and they thought i didnt. but i found out they did and i felt so weird. oh my god i just didnt know what to do or say or anythin.

sorry guys i dont think that made any sense but thanks for readin it any ways.

Love Trust and Pixi Dust Amanda

Re: feeling kinda weird......
Posted by Mego on Mon Nov 12 04:12:15 2001 (#11784)

i totally feel ya man. i will be around friends who have cut themselves and they'll be talking about it with each other and it totally feels like they're showing off and i just want to tell them to shut up and to stop looking for attention, even though i know they are probably just tryin to get some of all that shit out. or something... i dont know. i'm confusing but i just wanted ya to know that i understand exactly how you felt. oh, and congradulations on not cutting yourself for a month, stay strong. lots of love, mego

blah blah a bunch of stuff bc i feel like sharing
Posted by *me* on Mon Nov 12 00:03:19 2001 (#11781)

I had a really bad day today. Has anyone ever been crying really really hard AND had a panic attack at the same time? Yeah, it gets really hard to breathe. I don't recommend it. I had a huuuuuge fight with my mother. Like, this was beyond any of our fights b4. Today sucked pretty bad. I scratched up my hip, and I even scratched over all these old scars. Now the scars are, like, really gross looking bc they're open sores. I'm going to cut later. I feel it coming. I'm so sick of living this way. I really think I need help. I want help so bad. I HATE BEING A FRIGGIN MINOR! Life sucks.

Re: blah blah a bunch of stuff bc i feel like shar
Posted by Mego on Mon Nov 12 04:16:26 2001 (#11785)

dude, i have had that panic attack/cryin thing before. yeah, it sucks. you sound like you and your mom are like me and my mom are, how old are you? everything sucks, i know. e-mail me at megox182x@aol.com if you need to talk cause i will always be there and it sounds like we go through a lot of the same shit. lots of love, mego

Re: blah blah a bunch of stuff bc i feel like shar
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Nov 12 20:20:38 2001 (#11792)

I'm sorry about your mom and you fighting. Is there anything I can do or say to your mom to help you out? I would if I could.If there isn't, how about emailing me and talking? I'll be back on the computer later on tonight and I'll answer you back. In the meantime, here's a (((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))) )))))) just for you from me. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

just wondering...
Posted by kae on Mon Nov 12 04:07:44 2001 (#11783)

first of all, thanks kae, for responding. things get better and worse with me and my mom talking to her wont help, notes dont work either. i guess its just one of those things i will have to live with. i was wondering, where is everyone from? it seems like a few people aren't from the US, is this a site from somewhere in europe or something? i don't know, maybe i'm just dumb and i can't figure shit out but for now its all good! and are all of us chicks or not? its weird, you almost never hear of guys cutting themselves. well, you people are awesome so please post a response to this tellin a little about yourself cause i would like to get to know all of you. thanks! mego

Re: just wondering...
Posted by kae on Mon Nov 12 09:41:21 2001 (#11787)

hey hun

haha dont worry about confusing my name. :) im glad you appreciated my advice.

okay, so about me! i'm 17 and i live in new zealand. ive only been on this board for a couple of months, but it seems like a lot longer!

i saw the counsellor for the first time a week ago. im sposed to b seein her again - but school finishes for the year on friday so theres not much point. i might show her a few things...ah but we'll wait and see, aye? dont want her flipping out on me!

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: just wondering...
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Nov 13 01:26:48 2001 (#11805)

I'm from a little town in western Oklahoma called Weatherford. It's a small college town and is a really nice place to live. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: just wondering...
Posted by Mego on Tue Nov 13 04:55:00 2001 (#11809)

I'm megan. i'm dumb so i am going to answer my own question. i am from a crappy little chicago suburb. as soon as i get the chance i am moving out of here and it will be so great!

Re: just wondering...
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Wed Nov 14 11:21:24 2001 (#11832)

lol, it seams like so long ago that I asked this bord a simaler question, frist of all I'm in Canada and for the longest time I thought I was the only guy who cut and what not. I later found out that there are a few but yeah know. ok I'm spent.

Drew:)

kae didnt post just wondering
Posted by mego on Mon Nov 12 04:19:00 2001 (#11786)

sorry everyone, kae didnt post just wondering, i did. i meant to write mego but instead accidentally wrote kae cause i was thinkin about her cause she responded to that shit i wrote before. my bad

Once again!
Posted by Jenny on Mon Nov 12 10:23:45 2001 (#11788)

oh yes and again I broke my prommise! I cut and I hate it Y does it have to be me? My life is shit and I hate it

Re: Once again!
Posted by star on Wed Nov 14 13:45:26 2001 (#11837)

Darling this isnt your fault i dont cut and only have once but i have a very close friend who does and she has explained stuff to me about it all and its definatly NOT you so please dont think it is i guess this sounds strange so ill go but i hope you feel better soon (((HUGZ))) Take care Amz xxxx

i want to die...
Posted by kae on Mon Nov 12 12:06:09 2001 (#11789)

i feel so terrible....i was feeling fine before but then my friend got upset again.....its so unfair....

why did this have to happen to her....why did he have to choose HER.....?

i want to cut but my arms are a mess and the ones on my legs are going septic....i want to just curl up and die......

whats the point....what the fucks the fuckin point of living in a world where there are too many ppl who hurt others.....

i just want to die.

Re: i want to die...
Posted by Alana on Mon Nov 12 21:44:13 2001 (#11796)

Kae, I understand exactly where you are coming from. The thought of "why did he have to choose her" floats through my mind constantly. Even though that statement may mean different things to the both of us, it still comes from the same place and same pain. It hurts. Also like you, I see no point. No point to loving, no point to getting better, and no point to staying alive.

I just want to die. We'll do it together ok?

Love, Alana

Re: i want to die...
Posted by kae on Tue Nov 13 04:35:49 2001 (#11806)

at the moment, that sounds damn good to me......although i'd prefer it if you just killed me and not yourself!!

sorry to be morbid.....i just feel like shit.

cya

kae

Re: i want to die...
Posted by DyingtoDie on Tue Nov 13 07:25:30 2001 (#11812)

I just foudn out today that my friend was molested... I didn't want her to think about it too much right now, but... It just like why do people do these things... I'm sorry any of us have to go through this... I can't even imagine what goes throuhg people's head to do such horrible things to other people... I don't get it oh well... Michelle

cutting for no reason
Posted by Rachel on Mon Nov 12 21:27:58 2001 (#11794)

Hi I`m Rachel and I just wanted to know if theres anyone else like me, I feel really unhappy basically all of the time and cut myself to. But the thing is I`ve got no reason to be unhappy an I know that. Everything is ok at home most of the time but I still do it. It`s almost like I`m two people one is the real me who I like and is happy and fun, and then there`s this evil psycho depressed, arm cutting me which seems to be taking over.

shit I feel like an idiot.

Re: cutting for no reason
Posted by kae on Tue Nov 13 04:40:12 2001 (#11807)

i totally know what you mean!! thats exactly like me. i dont suffer from depression or anything - not to my knowledge anyway - but i cut myself a lot. i have friends who have been diagnosed as clinically depressed and who cut themselves, but ironically, my cutting is worse than theirs.

the split personality thing is sooo real - ive always thought that about myself. theres this song by Pink called "split personality" - its brilliant, i can totally relate to it!

hope to hear more from ya....

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: cutting for no reason
Posted by Emma on Tue Nov 13 15:42:22 2001 (#11818)

Yeah i too understand what you mean babe,dont worry. Its like on the outside i can be really nice and caring' Emma .and then sometimes i really dont give a damn if i hurt myself,not many people understand that side of me..i'm not sure i do either. Dont worry Take Care Emm xxx

life after death
Posted by Rachel on Mon Nov 12 21:45:38 2001 (#11797)

I was just wondering what all your thoughts on what happens once we die are. I`d like to beleive that we go somewhere better but I dunno. I definately don`t beleive in heaven. but we`re already in in hell, or at least I hope we are I dread to think of somewhere worse. so much shit goes on here.

Re: life after death
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Nov 13 01:16:32 2001 (#11802)

As everyone here know, I do believe in heaven and GOD. But it's not like I preach about it. I just state my beliefs and leave it at that. If you go back on some of the postings, you will see we've had many dicussions about this and some of them got kind of heated. I think everyone can believe what they want to. Personally, I believe we will go to a better place where there will be no more pain, but I know not everyone feels that way. That's okay. Anyway, I've said enough on the subject and will stop before I get someone mad at me. Take care. Love, Rhonda

I NEED TO LEAVE ME!
Posted by ALANA on Mon Nov 12 22:00:29 2001 (#11798)

I HATE ME! I can't stand living inside of me one more day this way. I can't stand to look in the mirror and cry about who I am. I can't stand to see what I've done to the people I love or use to love. I must admit, I don't love many people anymore. A couple and that's it. I'm sure those people would be fine without me here. I hate what people have put me through. I hate my dad for always being angry at me and hating who I am, I hate my sister for being such a slob and making me clean up everything and take care of her baby, I hate colin for making me realize what a shitty person I actually am, I hate dave for turning his back when I needed him most, I hate alanna for dropping me when someone better came along, I hate all my friends for dropping me and making me feel worthless, and I hate myself for letting all these people make me the hateful person that I am.

I HATE.

Alana

Re: I NEED TO LEAVE ME!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Nov 13 01:18:23 2001 (#11803)

I really do care about you Alana, and I just wanted you to know. Love, Rhonda

aaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh
Posted by jes on Mon Nov 12 23:22:07 2001 (#11799)

saROIUODWFHREAGNEA;UINilusfheu inqreecprei gggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr sorry, i'm pissed off now. i was just watching VH1, and 'design for life' was on, the had these lil captions at the bottom, and one said,

'not long before his disappearance, Richey (edwards) did something to promote (or some equally stupid, similar word) the band and what they were......he carved '4 real' in to his arm witha razor' i mean, fuck, how stupid is that? he did it for publicity, it's nothing really. fuck fuck fuck. xx

Re: aaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh
Posted by the boy in the bubble on Tue Nov 13 00:41:16 2001 (#11801)

Richey Edwards was a manic depressive through most of his teenage years and through the rest of his life. he carved 4real into his arm in norwich arts centre on the 15th may 1991 in front of Steve Lamaouq. he said it was because he couldn't get through to a 25 year old who thought like a 45 year old. it wasn't the first time he had done it and it definatly wasnt the last.

have fun and stay beautiful

i hurt myself to get pain out

Re: aaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh
Posted by jes on Tue Nov 13 14:21:17 2001 (#11817)

hey, giess ur a manics fan then?! i knew when he did it but not the actual reason at the time, i just knew that it wasn't for publicity. it just pissed me off that they would turn something so serious into something to cheap. i like that song, 'an't scream can't shout' comes before that bit doesn't it? take care, love n hugs, jes xx

Re: aaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh
Posted by the boy in the bubble on Tue Nov 13 23:31:44 2001 (#11820)

hiya jes guilty as charged i'm a manics fan i know quite a lot about them and that incident as well as other bits and pieces. can't shout can't scream i hurt myself to get pain out is from the song yes on the holy bible

the reason that VH1 may have said it like that is because sony in their infinate wisdom used the photo for publicity in thiland and america so it seemed like a publicity stunt and it upset richey. even so it wasnt the last time he cut in front of people he did it at a gig in thailand after a fan sent him some knives.

i'm probably getting annoying now have funa nd stay beautiful

aimless rut of my own perception

gosh this sucks
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 12 23:33:34 2001 (#11800)

Yesterday I was getting out of the shower and I thought all my cuts were covered but I guess not and my sister saw some deep cuts on my upper arm... and then I guess my towel wasn't that long and she saw some old scars on my leg... She started flipping out. I guess she just didn't how to handle it, but it was so screwed. Then later on that day my other sister saw old scars on my lower arm and she was questioning me and annoying me toe death about it. Gosh it's so stupid never before in my life did they ever care and now when they realize I have a problem they act as if they are my friend... I'm just wondering why they didn't care before I was so screwed up then maybe I wouldn't be this way... Just wait till my mom finds out about this, I will never hear the end of it... She is going to freaking torture me... I wish she and everyone else for back off... I woke up yesterday and I realized that my shirt is ruined from blood stains, but most of my shirts are like that... My best friend is depressed and I feel so bad because I want to help her so much, but I'm afraid that nothing I do will be good enough... She is so sweet and she doesn't deserve this, but she won't even tell me what it is... I wish I could talk to her, but I just don't think I'm good enough of a friend... Just today she was tellign me that everyone else gets on her nerves but I don't. And she considers me "gold", but gosh I just want to be the best friend to her that I can be, but I dont' think I can... I just want to give up... Oh well Michelle

Re: gosh this sucks
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Nov 13 01:24:49 2001 (#11804)

Did they see the scars on you before? If not, maybe they didn't realize how bad off you were. If they had seen them, maybe they didn't know how to deal with them and now it's a reality check for them. My opinion is to give them a chance to help you. Maybe they will surprise you. I'd be happy to talk to them if you want. As far as your friend, just be there for her. At times like this, you really need someone to lean on and she must think you're something special. If you ever want to talk, just email me. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: gosh this sucks
Posted by DyingtoDie on Tue Nov 13 04:41:25 2001 (#11808)

Yes they saw them before... They all know about it, but now I guess I'm getting worse... But no my parents never took a part if my life before everything there is no reason to let them now... Plus I'm not a very trusting person so I definelty won't talk to them... Everything I do is wrong anyway... gosh whatever....lol very funny... you talk to my parents... I can't imagine that. They don't accept any help outside of themselves... I better go, but thanks for responding... Michelle

Re: gosh this sucks
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Nov 14 00:55:14 2001 (#11821)

It was just a thought,but if you ever do want to talk, I'll always be here to listen. And, you don't do everything wrong. Take care Michelle. I'm thinking about you. Love, Rhonda

I'm scared...
Posted by Aspen on Tue Nov 13 05:40:04 2001 (#11811)

I am getting very afraid of myself as I cut, I've been getting worse and cutting deeper.. the blood is almost mesmerizing, I am 15 and have been cutting on and off for about 3 years. I don't know how to ask for help. Recently I've started cutting again, in places that are better kept hidden by clothing and I'm afraid I won't get help until it's too late, it's like I'm a different person when I do it, but I'm not! I enjoy it and crave it when I can't, I want to do it all the time, I leave class sometimes to do it with exacto knife blades. I want help but I also am not sure if I can handle what help means, I want the desire to do this to myself to go away. please, somebody help...

Re: I'm scared...
Posted by kae on Tue Nov 13 09:35:21 2001 (#11813)

hey hun

i can understand how you're feeling....you need it and want it, but at the same time you know that its not going to be good for you in the long run, yes?

most schools offer free counselling - does yours? you really have to push yourself to see him/her....even if you just go once. they can give you the advice and direction you need.....please just try it!

tell us how you get on.....

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: I'm scared...
Posted by Aspen on Tue Nov 13 22:17:35 2001 (#11819)

I can't do it, I'm not ready to let the world really know what a fuck up I really am, I know if I tried, I would fail, I don't know what else there is left to do. I have been previously betrayed by my school counsellors about stupid little things, and they ran and told my parents, I of course denied it but the point is is that they're both lost my trust. I have no one to go to without it turning into a huge thing. What have you done to cope? Anyone have suggestions? I really need help, but I don't want it.... ...

Re: I'm scared...
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Nov 14 01:00:43 2001 (#11822)

The best thing I could tell you is to find an adult who you can trust and help you. Since I don't know what the relationship is with your parents, how about a preacher or the parents of a good friend, or your doctor? If you can't do any of that just yet, come here on the board and let us try to help. Everyone here,except me of course, has had experience with cutting and they probably know how you are feeling. They would be a big help to you I think. Even though I don't cut, you can always talk to me. Please take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: I'm scared...(TRIG)
Posted by Aspen on Wed Nov 14 01:21:40 2001 (#11823)

I'm not sure who to ask, I could not tell my parents in a million years and am quite comfortable leaving it a secret, I am just scaring myself right now. I cut to watch myself bleed, to watch it roll down my skin.. It's generally something like this that causes ppl to call you crazy..

just defy my love
Posted by star on Tue Nov 13 13:59:46 2001 (#11816)

Just defy my Love.

I wanna kiss you in Paris I wanna hold your hand in Rome I wanna run nacked through a rainstorm Make love in a train, cross country

You put this in me So now what, so now what?

Wanting, needing, waiting for you to just defy my love Hoping praying for you to justify my love

i wanna know you no not like that

i dont wanna be your saviour i dont want to be your mother either i just want to be your lover i just want to be your whore

kiss me, thats right kiss me

i recall my desperate melancholy Do you? i remember your impassioned soliliqy i remember, i remember Your purr, your delicate fingers gripping, lips parting, sucking coming- with angelic ease Do you remeber? Do you remeber your words? i do- they were

I will never place you upon the cross i will never cause you any pain without you my love i will surely be lost i will never look upon you with disdain

you put this in me so now what, so now what? wanting, needing, waiting for you to just defy my love hoping, praying for you to just defy my love....

By Die my darling

i dont care
Posted by Mego on Wed Nov 14 05:43:26 2001 (#11825)

when i cut everything just dissapears, all hate, anger, sadness. it is the only way for me to fall asleep. lately, i havent cared at all about anything. i laughed at something the other day and my best friend asked me if i was stoned. she said that she just figured i was cause i never laugh without bein messed up on something. my grades have been falling, i have been ignoring people. if i dont want to answer someones question, i act like i didnt hear them. i dont care about what people think about me anymore. i dont care about anything. some of my closest guy friends are totally changing and drifting away from me. sometimes, i dont even miss them. sometimes i forget completely about my friends and everything. i sit there in school and just stare off. if a teacher yells at me i am surprised to find that i am actually somewhere. like... i dont know. i don't care that my dad hates me and my brother and mom. he screams at me and i just look at him. when he calls me worthless and tells me i'm fat and lazy and that i will never get anywhere in life, it doesnt even hurt anymore. all i can do is stare at him. i dont cry, i dont fight back. its so crazy. it probably doesnt make much sense to anyone, it doesnt make much sense to me but maybe someone understands...

Re: i dont care
Posted by Maggie on Wed Nov 14 07:51:09 2001 (#11827)

I can identify with many of the things you say, especially the bit about friends changing and drifting away. I notice though that most of your problems listed are associated with other people. I think the most important thing about moving on from SI and depression is to stop letting your happiness depend on other people. This is hard to do when people treat you as they do, but you gotta take control over the bad situation. Tell you friend you'll laugh whenever you want to, and stick up for yourself when your Dad yells at you. Don't be passive because believe me that you are not bouncing all the negative things off, you are absorbing them all. That advice worked for me, hope you can make some sense of it. Take care. Hope things get better for you.

Luv Maggie.

Re: i dont care
Posted by Dawn on Wed Nov 14 08:19:52 2001 (#11828)

I don't care is called apathy. I could give you a lecture on it. But I'd lose your interest half way through. So I will tell you that I care about you. I am a cutter, who is winning the battle a day at a time. And although I've heard many of the things people are telling you, I proved their statements wrong.I went to college in my mid thirties, I was awarded a pin with I made the President's List with a 3.75 gpa, and later was asked to join the Phi Theta Kappa win I made a 4.0 gpa both while I was having a mental breakdown.

We do not have to achieve to be important, we are important because God makes no mistakes. He made us and saw that we were good. then society and family many times have screwed up our lives.... but it aint over til the fat lady sings.... and I'm a fat lady who loves to sing so it must mean til I stop singing. I am alive because of Jesus Christ having my back, front and sides. And what he does for me he can and will do for you and anyone else who are serious about changing their lives. May God bless these words.

Re: i dont care
Posted by kae on Wed Nov 14 09:26:41 2001 (#11830)

yeah i can totally relate to what you're saying. i used to b this major stresshead - spend everyday studying for tests and exams and worked for hours on assignments. this year, now that my cutting has become a lot worse, i dont feel anything. i dont feel stress, or panic, or hurt, or sadness. fuckn hell, i got 5% in my last maths test - no thats not a typo, thats FIVE percent. and i dont give a shit! if that had happened last year, i woulda gone crazy with distress.

i think its because cutting completely numbs your emotional side. cutting becomes your only way of feeling things, and everything you feel is expressed through physical pain and blood. god, i havent cried properly in months....i dont feel sad. my rabbit died yesterday - a perfectly healthy, young dwarf rabbit, dead, just like that - and i didnt feel anything.....

fuck....i sound like a cold hard bitch. arrggh....

kae

If you are unhappy with your lives READ THIS
Posted by Dawn on Wed Nov 14 09:11:19 2001 (#11829)

Hi. This is probably going to be long, semi-lectureous, and spiritually one sided.

I come to this board today with pain in my body which might be caused from the love I have for each of you and the frustration I face with each post and response I read.

Many of you are teenagers who live with people who expect too much of you, or not enough, or who don't understand, and who don't want to face the truth that there is something seriously wrong with you, that they cannot fix, no matter how much they try, or how much they love you, or because their lives are so filled with stressors they do not have the emotional energy it takes to help you, so they do all the wrong things, and you are left to battle SI on your own.

Left to ourselves we try to stop, but something happens, or something is said, or we fear what the consequences will be if our cutting is found out.

Well I've faced all that. I lived a secret life right under the noses of my family, and let me tell you I have 3 older half/yet adopted sisters, 1 full blooded brother, one semi adopted brother, and 3 step-brothers who were all grown when our families merged. I was close to one sister growing up. We are 2 years apart. But she didn't even know that I was being molested and raped even when it happened in the same room, and at the same time that a home video was being made. I was told not to move a muscle, not to utter a beep..... And I didn't because I didn't want even me to know what was happening.

But I started telling my secret 11 or 12 years ago, and the attitude of disbelief ran rampet.

I was in pain like most of you are in and nothing made people believe me until I started cutting. Then they mostly thought I was trying to cover up the truth, that I was having all these sexual encourters and relabling Rape and molestation. I did not want to live in my body. I hate it, maybe I should say I hated it, but truthfully I'm not really there yet.

The thing is there was something deep inside me that new the truth and wanted to get it out because it was poisoning my thinking, so I went to college, and I learned my life really was as bad as I thought it was and finally doors started opening up for me to tell my secrets to who believed me.

And the pain got worse instead of better. I wanted to die, I wrote poems about death, poems about cutting, much like the one I read here.

I didn't have an outlet like this one who supported my cutting. I had an outlet which supported me getting my festering secrets out into the light, so that I could see it was not my fault.

I do not want to sound judgemental, but most of what I read here is people being too comfortable with cutting and not getting help for the why behind the cutting.

I want to help, But I need people who are committed to changing their lives. I'm not a license psychologist, or therapist. I am a survivor of incest from as young as 3 months of age, a survivor of child physical, mental, and emotional abuse, I am a survivor of molestation, and rape, and gang rapes, I am a survivor of spousal sexual assault, attempted murder, and severe emotional abuse. I know pain. But I also know growth and healing. I can love people, even people I only communicate by typing on a keyboard connected to my television..... But most of all I CAN RECEIVE GENUINE LOVE. I've gone from being broken beyond repair, to being able to laugh out loud for a half hour after receiving a funny email card from a friend from this board. It feels good to laugh. I want to be able to help some of you laugh out loud too.

But I cannot heal you. I can listen and cry with you, and pray for you. And I know God Himself hears my prayers because I'm His child and I ask for things I know He wants too.

So if you are still reading and are willing to work on changing your lives, email me or respond to this post. Three are stronger than one. Love to all... Dawn

Re: If you are unhappy with your lives READ THIS
Posted by Emma on Wed Nov 14 12:59:10 2001 (#11835)

Dawn, your so wonderful you really are! I just read your post and it almost made me cry, youve been through such alot and have overcome so much and you are honest and welcoming. I used to cut i havent for a little while now, probably cos i have a new boyfriend and college and whatever keeps me occupied so i dont have time to think about it. I just wanted to say that i hope you can give people help, you sound like an amazing woman, if this world had more people who cared like you, we would all be alot better off. God Bless Emma xxxx

so confused......what now??
Posted by kae on Wed Nov 14 09:37:23 2001 (#11831)

hi

as i said a while ago, the school counsellor finally made an appointment to see me about my SI. i went, and it was good....we talked about lots of stuf, even if i did sort of tune out while she yakked on about ways of avoiding cutting. i guess i need to work on my motivation to stop. but i didnt show her anything...she didnt ask, otherwise i would have. im not sure why.....i guess i just want to shock her....show her what ive done to myself. i want her opinion....and then i can start thinking about getting past this.

anyway we talked for a good while and at the end she said she would definitely see me again, before school finished for the year.

well, school finished today. and i didnt see her again. there are reasons for it....me, her and my friend are all wound up into this huge mess about this fuckn rapist arsehole. the cops are getting involved, as well as our principal, in order to confront him and give him one hell of a fright. AND to prevent him from becoming head boy next year. so yeah, i can understand that shes not had the time to see me again....but i feel so lost now. what do i do?? im still cutting, still getting urges. and summer's here....which means that if im going to stop, i need to do it soon. but i cant do it alone.....i need help. there, i said it. i need help!!

fuckkkkkk i dont know what to do now....its like shes completely forgotten about me. i know, i know, this other drama is way huger and needs way more attention, and i agree with that because its going to help my friend. but now.....arrgghh i just dont know what to do.

someone help me!!!!

kae

Re: so confused......what now??
Posted by Jenny on Wed Nov 14 13:00:20 2001 (#11836)

Kae. Look non of this is your fault. You couldnt have done anything to stop him. Its not a wise thing to do but seems as its summer I think you should leave your arms alone coz ppl will see. you sholuld cut ur legs it not wise to cut but to save you from going mad that is the only place. Who needs councellors? I did to start with but you dont need them. Keep a diary t works. just make sure no one sees it!!! its a hard habbit breaking out of, getting out of seeing a counciller but you can do it. You sound so much like me you dont want ppl close to know you cut but you do strangers?

Kae, maybe I can help
Posted by Dawn on Wed Nov 14 20:43:17 2001 (#11839)

I am not able to see you face to face to make the human connection we all need but not all will be honest about it.

I believe you cut like I did, do? When I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm numb, feeling empty, alone, frustrated, bold, fearful, drunk, confused, angry, "I'll show you" and "fuck you" thinking and feelings, heart wrenching pain.... and for no reason at all except that some where inside us is the urge.

One of the BIGGEST TRIGGERS FOR CUTTING IS STRESS. So wise as I am I come to this board where there is stress gallore. you know what I mean. You read someone's name and your body responds because you know this person is going through so much crap and you don't know what to say to help. For a lot of people it happens when they see my name, because I lecture. Which I'm doing now.

I answered this post because you said the magic words "I need help" or "I want help" Well help can be found in being gut wrenching honest about what is going on inside you as well as outside you. The Serenity Prayer talks about changing the things we can and accepting the things we cannot change, which are: people, places, and things. The only one we can change is ourselves. I'm not right beside you, but I'm here. May God bless these words and let them find their mark...Dawn

Re: so confused......what now??
Posted by Alana on Wed Nov 14 21:08:56 2001 (#11844)

approach her and tell her that you need outside help. Look for a self injury support group, those always helped me realize what I was doing and going through. My advice to you is to call around to different places and ask about self injury treatment facilities...summer is coming for you right? (lucky you, snow is coming soon for me) Maybe you could set yourself up for the summer getting help for your SI.

Sorry I'm not much help.

All my love, Alana

Get your hands off me ! YOU DAMB DIRRTY APE!!!!
Posted by Drew on Wed Nov 14 11:36:35 2001 (#11833)

anyone ever notice how my screen name is thecutthatneverheals and I sign with Drew:) but every second or so thing I type is from Drew:) signed with thecutthatneverheals??? that's really wierd. of corse ther's probably only 3 ppl. left that would notice that.... hmmmm, ever notice how we all love eachother so much and we're all so suportive and saddend when someone leaves, and we swear we'll still e-mail them because they helped us through are lives in the thick and thin; but who really remembers the ones that really cared about us? we allways just let them fade into nothingness and forget there names, like Liza or good old ....... doris????.......hmm, now what was her name...................

thecutthatneverheals :|

Re: Get your hands off me ! YOU DAMB DIRRTY APE!!!
Posted by Dawn on Wed Nov 14 20:57:04 2001 (#11841)

I have seen your names, but mostly I see an attitude I cannot help. But today's subject title hits home so I read your post. Frankly I do not understand the connection, except that the image you drew is an image that cutting cannot erase from my mind, but I know first hand that God, work, and therapy can heal if we want them to.

You are absolutly right about cyber love, it doesn't hold a candle to the warm embrace of someone who is there physically. But there are several people I'm met on this cyber board, and whom we share email and I feel their love for me and my love for them whenever I see their names, or think of them throughout my day. If you don't make that bond I am sorry. An old addage say, if you want a friend first you have to be one... Love and Hugs from Dawn

Re: Get your hands off me ! YOU DAMB DIRRTY APE!!!
Posted by Alana on Wed Nov 14 21:05:36 2001 (#11843)

I wish I could forget. Unfortnately I can't. The shit that has happened on this board has scarred me for fuckin life, and I made the stupid choice of letting it. Now I have to walk around with the guilt of knowing all the pain I feel inside is my own fault for letting the people here destroy who I am. Its only my fault. Nobody to blame but me for letting it affect me.

I completely understand what you're saying though Drew. SOmetimes you just fade.

Alana

DREW
Posted by jue on Wed Nov 14 23:56:56 2001 (#11850)

doris and i e-mail each other.

Re: Get your hands off me ! YOU DAMB DIRRTY APE!!!
Posted by *me* on Thu Nov 15 02:35:33 2001 (#11853)

Hey - I have noticed the two dif things u sign ur name w/!! haha - just wanted to letcha know I at least noticed.

I know what you mean. I don't know who Liza is, she must have been b4 my time, but I definitely remember Doris. In fact, I have one of her poems printed out and I read it all the time bc it helps me, and I think about all the poor ppl on this board who never knew her! LOL. Yeah, there are only like 4 of you who understand what I mean. Newho, this whole post is kinda getting off track...but yeah, I know what you mean.

Take care and stay safe. Lots of love.

U HAVE TO C
Posted by Jenny on Wed Nov 14 12:54:10 2001 (#11834)

I have just seen the best film ever! I heard about it on this board and I watched it. GIRL INTERRUPTED Its just the best. you can kind of relate to it. And another 28 DAYS. the both have a simular story line but the are fucking ace. But be worned after watching girl inturrupted it makes you want to cut so be warned. I did but I felt so much better after wards, feeling for the people in the film. U MUST C IT

Not me...I'm a cutter..
Posted by Dawn on Wed Nov 14 21:11:05 2001 (#11845)

I have the video 28 hours, it is truely a good movie. But I do not want to watch a movie about someone cutting themselves because I lived it.... and I read post on this board by people who describe in detail how they look and feel, plus I've viewed some of the pictures available on this site.

I'll stick to Ma and Pa Kettle movies, Simply Irresistable, and Anne of Green Gables. I've seen enough violence in my lifetime,, but if comedy is the vehichel (sp?) by which a story is told I can watch it that way, like in Another Stakeout, I've been afraid too much, now I like to laugh-- not cry.... Dawn

Re: Not me...I'm a cutter..
Posted by Jenny on Fri Nov 16 12:23:00 2001 (#11876)

Its not like that its a story you can relate to andf it is really good. it may be triger but it is good

Re: U HAVE TO C
Posted by kae on Thu Nov 15 10:18:51 2001 (#11865)

see, i told ya you should watch it!!! its brilliant!! i love 28 days as well, two of my faves.

if ya havent seen girl interrupted yet, SEE IT!!!

kae

final realization....
Posted by Amanda on Wed Nov 14 19:37:56 2001 (#11838)

ok so ive finally decided that i just cant cope with the past on my own. i know that i need to talk it through with someone else, someone i dont know and someone who wont piss me off like my mum. im going to sort out seeing a counsellor. i never did in the past coz of a very bad experience with a "family counseller"...(i dont recomend that ANYONE goes to c 1) ive decided to do this. i need to sort this out, i can just about cope with my problems but i need to deal with them so that i can get on with my life. i dont want to just COPE i want to DEAL with it. IVE HAD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!

OMG that is the fisrt time i think that i have really admitted to myself that i cant manage on my own.

Love Trust and Pixi Dust Amanda

Re: final realization....
Posted by Alana on Wed Nov 14 21:01:51 2001 (#11842)

Good for you. I'm very proud. It shows sincere courage when you admit that you can't deal with it on your own. You are truly brave.

"it's not brave if you aren't scared."

Hope it works out for you.

All my love, Alana

Re: final realization....
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Nov 15 01:00:19 2001 (#11852)

Way to go Amanda!!! The first step is usually the hardest and I'm glad you've taken it. Good luck along the way and I hope you find a really good therapist who will care about you. They're out there, you just have to hunt for them. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: final realization....
Posted by Dawm on Thu Nov 15 03:41:34 2001 (#11857)

I'm happy for you. It is such a big step and you put it right out here for all to see. If you are a praying person, pray before starting your searh, and then listen to your inter-voice. Love and hugs...Dawn

Re: final realization....
Posted by jes on Thu Nov 15 14:20:44 2001 (#11867)

hey,

Well done! the hardest bit is admitting you need help, and then getting it, i'm really proud of you, i know how hard it is. take care, love n hugs, jes xx

David and Angel
Posted by Alana on Wed Nov 14 20:52:51 2001 (#11840)

I don't understand what I've done to you two (David and Angelica or whatever the hell your name is), could you please explain to me where this sudden hate for my existence comes from and why you feel you need to destroy me?

Good news for you people (I use that word lightly for I'm not sure if you are people, you sure don't act like it) you've already succeeded in destroying me. Keep it up, and I won't stick around much later.

Alana FAH Q

Fearless
Posted by Alana on Wed Nov 14 22:03:52 2001 (#11846)

Is there anything that I need to say that hasn't been said before I have been polite for too long why should I be anymore better now than never, better loud than clever better just to play the fool it's times like this when you just close your eyes and kiss cause everything after this is just bullshit and being cruel so hold me up, I'm going out and don't wait up, I won't be coming home

if you lay me down in concrete fields will I dream of grass and opera this is the sound and how it feels to be dead

In the end there will be fire and brimstone and no one will be there to answer the telephone you are the only one I'll miss you are the only answer at a time like this she is he trick of my trade she is the thing that can't be made she is gold and nothing less and she is fearless so hold me up, we're going out and don't wait up, we won't be coming home

You hold it in your hand you keep it in your heart you hide it in your head and you use it when you have to she is the trick of my trade these are the things that can't be made stay yourself and nothing less stay fearless

Re: Fearless
Posted by jes on Thu Nov 15 14:40:59 2001 (#11868)

this is really cool, did u write it? i like it a lot. xx

Angelica is a cunt!
Posted by Alana on Wed Nov 14 22:13:34 2001 (#11847)

Ahahaha, I got ya didn't I. Think you're so smart eh? Uh nope. "I didn't tell you to add me" Read em and weap cocksucker you did so.

I don't care what you think of me, you don't know me. Nobody knows me here, why? Cuz its over the fuckin computer, its fake, its not real...none of this is. Its wierd how I only have problems with people over the net, "real" people think I'm the nicest. Angelica, you can just eat my ass and enjoy it for all I care, cuz you're just an immature fucknut! Yes yes you are. None of this is any of your business anyway. Get a life.

"love and blood soaked tears" - eghhh make me puke.

Alana aka the MATURE bitch.

Re: Angelica is a cunt!
Posted by Angelica on Wed Nov 14 22:48:54 2001 (#11849)

You - the nicest? Don't me fucking laugh! ROFLAMO Do you feel good now you've got everybody's attention. I mean you do get off on attention seeking don't you. Well now maybe you can go back to your mundane fucked up life and leave me alone.

Re: Angelica is a cunt!
Posted by Alana on Thu Nov 15 03:54:27 2001 (#11858)

HA! I got news for you bitch, everyone is looking for attention, everyone posts for attention, everyone needs attention - including you, so grow up already. And by the way, I am the nicest person once you get to know me, its the internet that fucks everything up. I've never once been attacked by people like I have over the net, so that pretty much says nothing about me. Its the real relationships that count in life and so far I'm doing pretty good with those, msn relationships mean little to nothing so what the fuck is so wrong with me....uhhhh nothing.

And one last thing - so you're trying to tell me that you aren't fucked up? If you aren't then why are you on the self injury board..hmm, just a thought.

Re: Angelica is a cunt!
Posted by KAT on Thu Nov 15 04:44:10 2001 (#11862)

haha yeah that girl Angelica has been on my ass too. About time someone told this girl to grow up... ah

Re: Angelica is a cunt!
Posted by Alana on Thu Nov 15 04:54:55 2001 (#11863)

Thank you KAT! Thank you!

You all need to stop!
Posted by DyingtoDie on Fri Nov 16 00:46:34 2001 (#11871)

I think you all need to grow up. People come to this board for help not to hear people fighting about stupid pity disagreements... Please let us all feel safe on the board. We have enough division in most of our homes we don't need it here. This is suppose to be a safe-haven and lets keep it that way. Michelle

someone agree with me.
Posted by jue on Thu Nov 15 00:01:09 2001 (#11851)

this board is not a place for fighting. i may be the only one but i remember the last fight and i don't think it accomplished anything.

Re: someone agree with me.
Posted by Drew on Thu Nov 15 02:43:54 2001 (#11854)

I agree.

thecuttham/zxmv.cxkjzkx fglKJ....bla bla bla with the name.

Re: someone agree with me.
Posted by *me* on Thu Nov 15 02:44:36 2001 (#11855)

Hmmmm dunno which exact fight ur talking about...there have been a few on this board...but I believe you, Jue, were here for the big fight when ALANA was called a cunt? Ok...I reaaaallly don't wanna get involved in a fight BC I FOR ONE CANNOT TAKE IT, but I just wanted to say that anyone fighting, please remember that we are all here for the same reason, and that fighting is not going to help anyone w/ that reason. I'm not trying to be bitchy, I just don't like to see others fight bc I know what happens w/ me when I am involved in a fight. Ok. That's all.

Take care. Lots of love.

I completely agree with you
Posted by Alana on Thu Nov 15 03:59:02 2001 (#11859)

I know guys I'm really sorry for that post...but Angelica (not that she's any angel) decided not to explain why she was mad at me quite so clearly so I had to resort to the board. Plus I was angry and had to get it out somehow. I think thats why you all think I'm so cruel, because I take my anger out on the board. What would you rather have though - me take it out here not necessarily attacking anyone (I haven't gotten in a fight with someone here since like march) or take it out on myself. The point of the board is to cope with the urges of cutting. That's exactly what I'm doing...by getting it out I'm not cutting myself about it. I may about other things that aren't exactly angry feelings, but its all I can do right now.

I'm very sorry for bothering anyone. Truly.

Alana

Re: I completely agree with you
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Nov 16 01:52:51 2001 (#11873)

You didn't bother me Alana. I don't like the fighting but it's like another way of getting your feelings out instead of keeping them bottled up. Fights never really solve anything but even I have to yell and scream sometimes. Hope your feeling better and I really like the way you talk to others. Keep going no matter what anyone says. Follow your heart. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: I completely agree with you
Posted by FallenFromGrace on Fri Nov 16 16:57:43 2001 (#11879)

*snigger*

ha

ha ha

hahahahahahahahaha

"Follow your heart" - Yeah, that works!

hahahahahahahahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Ok, i'm done.

P.S. I'm open to any insults....

Re: I completely agree with you
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Nov 17 01:11:55 2001 (#11897)

For most people who have a heart it works. Do you have a heart?????????????????????? Love, Rhonda

Re: I completely agree with you
Posted by FallenFromGrace on Sat Nov 17 21:23:22 2001 (#11905)

No. I have a small rock.

ppl are gettin suspicious...(possible trig)
Posted by Aspen on Thu Nov 15 03:35:28 2001 (#11856)

I am gettin greally nervous because my bro asked me this morning when I walked outta my room what the cuts on my arm were, cuz I didn't expect anyone to be there, anyways I kinda muttered "cat... the cat" under my breath and walked away. I then went back upstair and he said " so.. what happened to your arm?" and I said I picked up my friend's cat and it went psycho.. anyways I'm pretty sure he believed me b/c he then started tellin me about stories about his friend's crazy cats, I felt so stupid in that second.. just so damn stupid. I am also very scared, I don't have very many cuts right now, because believe it or not, it actually takes me a while to make a cut I "like" because I go over it over and over.. anywaysI only have like 35. I want more, when do it all I can think about is the skin that isn't cut, how fucking crazy is that? I think I am beyond help, help that I haven't even asked for.. nobody knows.. nobody!

Re: ppl are gettin suspicious...(possible trig)
Posted by Alana on Thu Nov 15 04:05:30 2001 (#11860)

Hey Aspen!

I babysit a little guy pretty much everyday after school and when I give him a bath I have to pull up my sleeves to wash his hair. The first couple times he saw my arms he was quite curious about them. At the time I had just burned the word shame into my arm and it was standing out big time. He's only 3 so I didn't think that he would be able to read, but he's really smart and started to sound out the word. I was like "whoa back up babe". I too told him that my cat had scratched me (even though I don't own a cat...allergic) and his response was "Alana, I don't think that was a cat that did that, I think you did it to yourself".... I couldn't help but laugh abit at his intelligence. So everytime he sees my arms now he says to me "Alana, I don't think you should do that to yourself anymore, you're hurting." He's a sweetie and I love him. BUT, I don't want to expose him to this...he doesn't deserve it.

So yes Aspen, it's very scary when this happens. Frightening. Hope it all works out.

Alana

Re: ppl are gettin suspicious...(possible trig)
Posted by jennie on Fri Dec 21 02:06:09 2001 (#13000)

I am getting really sick of having to make excuses to people about the cuts inside my wrists. Either the cat got me or an allergy is favourite. People know exactly what they are but are too embarrassed to comment. My boyfriend sees them and just thinks im psycho. x x

Re: ppl are gettin suspicious...(possible trig)
Posted by Dawn on Thu Nov 15 04:08:29 2001 (#11861)

No one can hide their scars forever. though they put a lot of effort into tring. And no one is beyond help unless they choose to be.

Try a local crisis services. Although when I worked on one we were not trained to deal with cutters, but when I was in the throes of pain and cuttling I'd call for help, and wound up training the crisis counselors in how to help me.Best of luck... Dawn

no help
Posted by Aspen on Thu Nov 15 14:04:33 2001 (#11866)

I have chosen not to get help, I can't stop unless I want to and that won't be for quite a while.. hope everyone else is doin' better than me.

Re: no help
Posted by kim on Thu Nov 22 05:23:46 2001 (#12063)

you know that feeling when someone asks about your scars or cuts....your stomache just drops...and you know you have lost all color

Re: no help
Posted by Emma on Wed Dec 12 12:46:41 2001 (#12855)

I know what you mean hun. If my sister finds out i used to just giggle or mumble cat because i was so embarrased about how she'd think of me. Shes great, dont get me wrong and reall supportive but she doesnt understand, she doesnt believe i'm a real *cutter* whatever that means?? she thinks i dont have problems and that if i do i know other ways to deal with them and i dont at the minute, i cant let it all build up, feels like i'm gonna explode. She thinks i only do it cos my best friend does and that i want attention,i dont want attention if i had it my way no-one would ever see my cuts, EVER! i only have to look at my scars (which arent bad) and i feel sick i really do. I'm sorry, rant over now.. love emm xxxxxx

Re: ppl are gettin suspicious...(possible trig)
Posted by kirsten on Fri Dec 21 17:13:07 2001 (#13006)

u just have to be careful. i know that u are probablly thinking that its hard when ur covered in cuts but youve gotta try ur hardest if u really dont want anyone to know. all the time i have long sleeved tops on or jumpers and my excuse is that its cold at the moment so when summer comes who knows what ill do!! just try ur hardest to hide it u will if u dont want any one to know. GOOD LUCK kirsten

Re: ppl are gettin suspicious...(possible trig)
Posted by katy on Mon Dec 17 00:01:23 2001 (#12908)

i cut myself when i feel like it is the only way of dealing with my pain. In some ways i feel like i am punishing myself for what He did to me. I don't enjoy the scars on my arms, i don't want them to be there. I want a clean slate. But every time i get upset by something i grab the first knife that i can. This isn't normal. I don't want ot be a cutter. I can look at it and say it's fucking stupid and i can want to stop, but in the end it's who i am and what i do. You say that you are scared of people finding out. I was to. But some people know now and they don't seem to care. They think it's probably just a phase. but i've been doing this for two years.. don't be scared by people who love you being concerned and trying to help. At least they havn't rejected you.take care. kt

Re: ppl are gettin suspicious...(possible trig)
Posted by robyn on Mon Dec 24 17:34:39 2001 (#13050)

Yeah i kno cause after a while y a just get sick of hidin them and that's how i was... the enitre skool already knew wat i was doin so when the teachers were all like wat is that i was like ya kno wat i fukin give up this fukin sherade. i'm a fukin cutter now get over it. and they tried totell me that it was for attention and i was like ya kno wat no it's not cause i can tell u now that it's who i am and if you have a problem with me then don't fukin talk tome and i told them in the language too and the've layed off of me!! and i was like thank u cuae my mom already knew so them knoin is just anothe thing ya knos?!!?

robyn

Re: ppl are gettin suspicious...(possible trig)
Posted by Tiana on Thu Dec 20 09:58:44 2001 (#12983)

I would love to talk to someone about this. e-mail me at tianana805@hotmail.com make the subject apples!

Re: ppl are gettin suspicious...(possible trig)
Posted by Um... Riggy on Thu Dec 20 20:38:02 2001 (#12991)

Hey Aspen. I know how you feel. I get really freaked out whenever anyone asks me "What happened to your arms?" It's been forever since i've worn short sleeves, and i sometimes get sick thinking about it. I dread being around people, because i fear they will see my scars. BUT, i did find something that i think i will use. It's a list of excuses someone compiled to answer those questions. They're mostly just for humor, but i'm sure that they could get people to change the topic. It's at http://www.palace.net/~llama/p sych/injury.html. As for you cat thing? Yeah....:) I used that exact same thing... about the psycho cat. My friends just laughed and started talking about cats. They believed. But i've been babbling. I just wanted to let you know about that site. I be out.

Re: ppl are gettin suspicious...(possible trig)
Posted by Tiffany on Sat Dec 29 06:43:07 2001 (#13129)

My worst excuse was I fell through my fence. I got the weirdest looks. I tried the cat thing, but when you don't have a cat, and the person you told that knows that, you look like an idiot. Just a little humor.

Tiffany

so stupid
Posted by jes on Thu Nov 15 15:03:36 2001 (#11869)

why am i living ni fear of the postman? i mean, i put myself in the situation, now i'm scared about getting the letter for my appointment. every morning i get up and look down the stairs to see if there's anypost, then i have to sit in my room for 10 minutes aying big brown envelope over and over to my self cos even though i know that, that's the kind of envelope it'll come in, i still get worried by innocent lil white envelopes. it's soo fucking stupid. love n hugs xxx

Re: so stupid
Posted by Linda on Thu Nov 15 23:57:47 2001 (#11870)

Ohhhhh Jes! Such a waste of fear when there is so much peace available! Would love to help you find it!

Re: so stupid
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Nov 16 01:45:34 2001 (#11872)

Don't feel bad jes, a lot of people are scared of little white envelopes these days. Depends on what part of the country your loving in, it's probably no bid deal. I live in Oklahoma and I look at my mail before I open it so maybe I'm just as bad. Anyway, don't let it scare you. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: so stupid
Posted by FallenFromGrace on Fri Nov 16 17:01:15 2001 (#11880)

Careful opening it now... you could get a nasty papercut.

Get it?

*sigh*

Re: so stupid
Posted by jes on Fri Nov 16 17:15:00 2001 (#11882)

fuck off. you have no idea, and you don't want to either. u are no help, we don't need you and we aren't going to listen to you.

Re: so stupid
Posted by FallenFromGrace on Fri Nov 16 17:27:48 2001 (#11884)

Yeah, your probably right.

It was a good pun tho.

Y me???
Posted by Jenny on Fri Nov 16 15:44:21 2001 (#11877)

Y do I have to be me? I fucking hate my life. have you ever got the feeling that you are all alone and have no 1 to talk to face to face that cares? I do all the time all I need is some one to talk toto get the steam off my chest i feel like shit. I have prommised my self so many times that I would never cut again but I have and I am still doing it. I hate the whole vicious cycle, will it ever end?

These people keith and sallyanne they want to know me when theres nothing wrong but now there is they dont care. Im screaming inside for some one to notice me i hate the lot of it. I hate school coz im so far behind and now cant catch up when will it end?

When im dead???!

Re: Y me???
Posted by FallenFromGrace on Fri Nov 16 16:42:41 2001 (#11878)

Oh for god's sake.

Life sucks - get over it. You will never be rich, you will never be famous, no-body will ever care.

The people who say 'I care' DONT. They just say that at the time.

So the world doesnt revolve around you - the sun doesnt shine out of your arse. You think that making yourself bleed is going to change that?

You profess to be 'lonely'. Well I wouldn't hang around with a nutter that got handy with a blade whenever they were down.

If your behind at school because of this, then thats your fault.

While I do acknowledge that this is a psychological disorder, its bought about by the fact that you are weak individuals.

Having looked at most of the names in the thread list, it is apparent that most of the posters are female. What a bloody surprise.

Anybody want to flame me? - bring it on.

Re: Y me???
Posted by jes on Fri Nov 16 17:12:59 2001 (#11881)

fuck you, you're not needed here, we are sorting things out the way we know how and we are never gonna be able to do that with people like you confirming false thoughts about our selves that have driven many of us to want to commit suicide.

Re: Y me???
Posted by FallenFromGrace on Fri Nov 16 17:22:48 2001 (#11883)

Your sorting things out?

By telling one another that you cut yourselves, then getting a pat on the back and a comforting word.

How is that sorting it out?

I would also like to point out that they are not false thoughts. It's the plain truth.

Cant you accept the fact that your a nobody? I'm a nobody, your a nobody - we get born, we live, we die.

Thats it. End of story. You should be glad that you are insignificant.

Re: Y me???
Posted by jes on Sat Nov 17 17:59:57 2001 (#11902)

yes, sorting it out, as in admitting there is a problem and eventually getting help for it, although people like you make it hard for people like us to do this for fear of a VERY SERIOUS problem being laughed at. And me personally, yes, i am sorting it out, and no, not by just telling someone on the internet because even thought this place is amazing when you need some support from someone who understands, it's not proffessional help, which is what i have recently been seeking, which, by the way, is the reason for me being a little on edge when looking at the mail. it was my own choice to go but i still don't know what to expect and it's pretty tough doing it on your own, which is another reason why this site is so important. It's not the 'plain truth' at all, everyone onthis board (with the exeption of you) is a wonderful, understanding individual, who deserves more than anything to be happy but, because of various reasons out of their control, have to fight for it every day of their lives. I now bid you a (hopefully final) farewell from this board. jes

Re: Y me???
Posted by star on Sun Nov 18 16:36:07 2001 (#11920)

well done baby whoever they are they need to fuck off i couldnt have said it better myself, im so very proud of you keep going baby remember im always here for you. Amz xxx

Re: Y me???
Posted by DyingtoDie on Fri Nov 16 23:14:30 2001 (#11889)

Whoever you are please I'm asking you don't condemn what we do... Yes it is wrong and it shouldn't happen, but it's not as easy as you think. There are many reasons for why we do this and one is guilt. Saying the thing that you have only will make us worse... My first reaction was to go cut again because I'm very depressed and I just feel as though people like you will never accept us for who we are... If you want someone to pick on, then pick on me I don't care. I just dont' want other people to go hurt themselves because they dont' feel accept in the only place where they can be open about their cutting and that is here... so you want to yell at someone and make them feel like crap here I am... Tell me I'm horrible because I'm so selfish and hateful. Tell me how horrible I am because my own father had his distusting way with me... Tell me that I'm flithy because I let my best friend's dad do things to me that werent' right just because I was raised to obey men... Tell me that I'm not worth anything because my father never loved me and beat me when I was little... Call me anything you want make me feel like crap because I already feel that way on my own a little more punishment won't make a difference. Yeah and maybe I do pity myself more than i should because of my life, but you try going through some of the things that we have and You'll realize that it's not as easy as you may think... Michelle

To FallenFromGrace
Posted by DyingtoDie on Sat Nov 17 00:20:33 2001 (#11893)

By the way that was to FallenFromGrace, but look please you are welcome here. Maybe we can offer you some love and support, but it's not gonna happen by making fun of us... Take Care ... Michelle

Re: Y me???
Posted by FallenFromGrace on Sat Nov 17 21:36:03 2001 (#11907)

mmmm, I feel a little guilty now.

Touche.

Re: Y me???
Posted by Jenny on Mon Nov 19 12:57:09 2001 (#11945)

To FallenFromGrace, Y pick on me? It not fair what have I ever done to you? Ive never ever heard of you so why pick on me? You may have strong oppinions on this subject but why take it out on us? We are allhere to talk and we dont need mean in puts. It woz me that started this bitchyness coz of my post so cant we all just stop it?

Re: Y me???
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Nov 17 01:02:10 2001 (#11894)

This is for FallenFromGrace. I will say a prayer for you tonight even if you don't want one. This is not the way to help the people on this board, but you go right ahead and talk. Maybe you will get some of your anger out. Take care and God bless. Love, Rhonda

.....
Posted by A/artemisia on Fri Nov 16 17:30:01 2001 (#11885)

When did you first think it? what pushed you to do it.... recovering... discovering? Why in the first place... want to stop... can you stop?

i've stopped.. for three months... not looking for a trigger...

opinions.. just.. collective.. opinions.... knowledge of.. what sets you off....

A/artemisia current/new webmistress of vampirewhitepages.com(sorry wasn't trying to throw a promo in... it's just the site that i associate myself with)

Re: .....
Posted by kim on Thu Nov 22 05:32:58 2001 (#12064)

to let out the emotions i was taught to hide

FallenFromGrace
Posted by Alana on Fri Nov 16 22:27:47 2001 (#11886)

Hey now.

I actually think what you're saying has alot of truth to it. I kick myself all the time for the character and behaviour I portray - I hate it. So yes, I found what you're saying extremely true and a little humourous. That doesn't mean I like how you're picking on people though, but hey if thats what you have to do then thats what you're going to do.

Thanks.

Alana

Re: FallenFromGrace
Posted by FallenFromGrace on Sat Nov 17 21:28:48 2001 (#11906)

If I appear to be picking on individuals then I apologise.

My intention is not to pick on anybody.

They're starting to notice again
Posted by Alana on Fri Nov 16 22:37:44 2001 (#11887)

Yes, my parents are starting to notice that I'm sick again (sick from my depression, I don't really like to call it sick though) although I do feel sick alot of the time. I've realized that I'm usually really depressed through the winter and get worse at the beginning of spring, but then I seem to get ok. I dont know why that is.

So ya, back to my intended post. My parents keep questioning me on my mood and attitude. They wonder why I sleep so much and why I hide my arms all the time, and why I look like I'm going to break into tears all the time. They wonder why my face is starting to sink in, and they wonder why I'm not getting help anymore. Well I have news for them. i don't want help..I don't need the help. I don't need anything. I'm fine.

I'm just sick again. Sickness ends, and I'll be better in the summer, and then it'll happen all over again. All over again till I die.

Alana

Re: They're starting to notice again
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Nov 17 01:04:45 2001 (#11895)

I wish I knew how to help you, but since I don't I send you a (((((((((HUG))))))))))! I hope you feel better soon. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: They're starting to notice again
Posted by Emma on Thu Nov 22 20:38:32 2001 (#12093)

Babe, i know this is a bit of a delayed post, sorry i only just read yours. I'm not a psychologist or anything(thank God!) but i've heard of an illness which makes you deppressed in the colder months when theres less sunlight then u feel better in summer, its called S.A.D (Seasonal affective disorder)obviously i dont know if you suffer from this hunney, but it just remided me reading ur post. I hope this helps maybe make things clearer, i hope i havent offended u by trying to catogorise you, i honestly dont have that intention babe. i used to cut and i havent for a couple of months which is really cool, but i kinda have the feeling it could turn up at any time, hope not tho:). Anyway hunny, take care and if you ever need to talk,email me. Love and Hugs Emma xxxx

Please guys this needs to stop.
Posted by DyingtoDie on Fri Nov 16 22:57:37 2001 (#11888)

There has been alot of arguing and name calling around here lately. Everyone just seems so hosital toward each other. Yes I understand we all lose it and say things we don't mean, but it has happened to times that I've notcied in the past 2 days... I don't even feel right coming here anymore because people are so mean to each other... We're suppose to welcome people to the board not chase them away. I mean yes if someone says something rude to you dont' be a jerk adn just let it happen, but there is a clear line between confronting and cursing someone off because they tired to bring some humor into the conversation... Please I don't want to have to leave the board because of something like this, but I can't handle it... Maybe I'm just a baby because I've had personal problems with so much yelling around my house, but it still doesn't mean that it is right... Michelle

Re: Please guys this needs to stop.
Posted by KAT on Fri Nov 16 23:54:48 2001 (#11892)

it'll all be okay.
:)

Re: Please guys this needs to stop.
Posted by jes on Sat Nov 17 18:09:08 2001 (#11903)

hey, I'm sorry if i've contributed to you felling like this in any way. Maybe i should have been a little less hostile to 'fallenfromgrace' but i got the feeling that this person was only here to take thie piss and make trouble which i don't think anyone needs right now. if i'm wrong, i'm sorry, but this guy needs to stop being so nasty. love n hugs, jes xx

help
Posted by Mego on Fri Nov 16 23:19:24 2001 (#11890)

me and my mom got in a huge fight the other night, because my lil bro told her that i was smoking again... she said she is going to stop buying my singulair for my asthma and that she doesnt care if i die or if i kill myself as long as i am not wasting her money doing it. i cut myself so bad, the next day at school i was still bleeding a little bit. she grounded me but yesterday after school my friends nell and tim (two of my best friends, nell is 15 and tim is gonna be 18 soon) came over. tim talked to my mom and now everything is cool between us, she bought me that nicoette gum which isnt working too good but at least im not grounded. last night nell was at home doing her chores and me and tim drove to pick up his friend, eric, who got caught smokin weed in the freezer at subway, where he works, and he was fiered. (dumbfuck, i know) and in the car tim was complaining about his girlfriend, who he's been seeing for 10 months and saying he was gonna break up with her. hes like "megan, will you be my girlfriend?" and it was funny, so i said yeah, figuring he was jokin cause that kid is never serious. well, this morning nell was in the shower and i was layin in her bed, still buzzin from my wake and bake, and tim layed down next to me and put his arms around me and asked if i was okay and how shit's been for me lately, if my dad was hitting me, how often my mom drinks, just tons of stuff that i really needed to get out. i talked to him about it and he just held me, told me it was going to be okay. it was the best feeling in the world. i love him so much, when people ask me who he is i say my big brother cause we're so close. the only thing is lately he's been flirting with me a lot, putting his arm around me and hugging me all the time. i need that more than anything in the world, its been so long since someones cared about me like that. but he does have a girlfriend and i'm afraid that i will be over there, drunk or stoned, and do something with him that i will regret. i dont know how i feel about him, if i really like him like that or if i just need that kinda love out of someone and he's just a conveinence, someone to care for me. i love him so much, as a brother, as a friend, whatever, but i just dont want things to get messed up, you know, if we hook up for a while and when shit doesnt work out would be still be as good of friends? i know he would want to sleep with me and i'm a virgin, i want to keep it that way for a while. he knows that but he has this way of talking to you and you just believe everything he says, maybe because he believes it too. i am afraid of getting hurt and of losing one of my best friends but i'm really afraid of being alone too. i need him more than anything right now, as a boyfriend, as friend... someone please reply to this if you understand or if you can help me figure all of this out. peace. mego

Re: help
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Nov 17 01:08:36 2001 (#11896)

Mego, I'll have Tara email you cause she can probably help you or give you some advice on the subject of guys. I'm an old married woman of 20 years so I've been out of the dating scene for a long time. She's moving back home for a while and I'll have her write you,okay? Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: help
Posted by Linda on Sat Nov 17 06:56:29 2001 (#11900)

Mego....first of all, let me say how very proud you should be of yourself to be able to claim that you are a virgin. That is a treasure beyond compare. If you will respect yourself enough to keep yourself for ONE man....after marriage......I know, I know....that's very old fashioned......but stay with me. You will never regret it. If you give yourself away, you can never get that purity back. Make it a goal to be able to give yourself to one man and know that it is truly a gift! Next, as an old woman let me say some things that will probably fall on deaf ears but give me a few minutes anyway. I don't really know how old you are but am assuming you are a young teen. Your emotions are running wild right now. The things you think that you need can be highly distorted because of the passions that are so vibrant at this age. God gave you this body and He designed it to be able to give and receive love. Don't lose sight of your value. It is not impossible to say "no" to your flesh. It is very possible and much more profitable to you than treating sex loosely. In dealing with this guy you have already said that he has a girlfriend. Your conscience has already told you that it isn't right. Would you want your girlfriend to even entertain the thought of being with a boyfriend that you had been dating for 10 months? Don't let him talk you into anything. If he really cares that much for you, he will respect you and not try to take advantage of your depression or pain in order to get a sexual advantage for himself. I know it's hard to fight the urge, especially when you need some attention so badly BUT please be careful and just listen to yourself on this one. You would ruin your friendship with him and most especially your friend who is dating him. It's not worth it! You are worth more than throwing your life away for a few moments of pleasure that can never be taken back! Hope you make a good decision on this one.

Re: help
Posted by Tara on Mon Nov 19 20:25:23 2001 (#11953)

hey Mego,

if you are scared of doing something that you will regret you need to talk to this guy and tell him the way that you feel.also that you are not the type of person to fool around(kiss and things like that)with him if he has a girlfriend.this is one of the many things i have been through in my short life.if he can not understand than he never really cared for you.sorrry to say.i hope he dos care and will understand if you do decide to talk to him.gonna go.

LOVE YA LOTS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

when will this end?
Posted by Mego on Fri Nov 16 23:38:13 2001 (#11891)

i dont know when this will end, i dont know if it ever will. i wonder if everyone lives like this, if anything will ever be okay, how much longer i have before i do something to really fuck things up. i need someone here with me, to fix everything. i have so many cuts right now, i went crazy on myself the other night, during that fight i wrote about in a different post. i feel so helpless, everything is so confusing. my guy friends keep making things so complicated for me. they like me, they dont. when theyre single i'm their friend, when they have a girlfriend they want me to be more than a friend. this year is the first year i've had guys i hardly know talk to me, try to make me laugh. i was telling this kid, alain, that i was havin problems at home, he told me to come live with him, he was serious too. this guy i harldly know, mitch, saw that i was upset in the class we have together and freaked out. he asked what happened, if it was a guy, if it was he'd talk to him. i've got all that shit with tim and this kid john trys to kill me one day (long story) and the next he's sneaking up behind me, rubbing my back and telling me how much he cares for me. is there any guy out there who is just normal?!! haha, ROAD TRIP!! god, this is making all of the other shit goin on even more complicated, but it feels good at the same time. someone help me out here.

Doing alright
Posted by KAT on Sat Nov 17 02:34:49 2001 (#11898)

Im okay, I cut here and there but things aren't terrible. Hope your all okay have wonderful holidays -KAT

please read!
Posted by Aspen on Sat Nov 17 03:36:35 2001 (#11899)

hey, I finally told someone today, the streetworker at my school and I dunno how I feel about it, she's not telling anyone so that's good, and she was all like why why why? and all I could say was i dunno, i dunno, i dunno and felt kinda stupid, I am pretty close to stopping for now, I have phases where I do and phases where I don't it't not like relapsing or anything, I know I'll do it again just maybe not for a hew weeks or days y'know. I feel so screwed sometimes and some of da cuts r infected I think, red and swollen and hurty. I wish someone understood I'm sure you ppl do, just I dunno, I feel so alone...

Re: please read!
Posted by sarah on Sat Nov 17 23:57:24 2001 (#11909)

hiya! i know exactally how you feel. i have been cutting for about a year now, and aam gradually being able to stop for short times but then i need to do it again. and sometimes i do do it for no real reason. so i understand completly! take care of yerself lol sarah xxx

I hope you ALL read this response
Posted by Dawn on Sat Nov 24 23:13:08 2001 (#12172)

Aspen, and everyone else who reads this (my lecture for today). I have been cutting for as near as I can say 12 or 13 years, and many times in those early years I cut with no Surface reason. I talked to my therapist and she told me I had so much stuff buried under layer of stuff that I didn't have to have a recognizable reason to cut. That I "ALWAYS" had a reason. It was just buried.

My life is fairly stable now. At least the meds I take make it seem that way. But sometimes I use my scissors for ordinary stuff, like opening a box that came in the mail or cutting up chicken, and I think about cutting. But I don't do it now. A few years ago the simple act of using my scissors was a reason to use them because I had imprinted on my mind "scissors in hand==cutting flesh"

Cutting is not just something we do to releive tension. When done often it becomes an addiction that is hard to break. Everyday, every time we resist the thought or the urge is a day to celebrate breaking the addiction. Love and Hugs to all...Dawn

Message deleted
Posted by none on Sat Nov 17 15:30:34 2001 (#11901)

This message has been deleted by the site owner...

Re: Top yourselves you useless people
Posted by jes on Sat Nov 17 18:58:38 2001 (#11904)

ok, i'm not going to lose my temper, i'm going to be real nice and polite and just tell you this place is for people who need support and help, so if you need any of the above, please let us help and if not, please leave and don't come back until you can be of help. jes

Re: Top yourselves you useless people
Posted by Nuni on Sat Nov 17 22:56:56 2001 (#11908)

I agree with Jes. I'm not sure what kind of jollies you get out of tormenting people. Sorry, I am not going to be polite. I don't need to be. You probably don't even begin to know how serious it really is. Suicide is very rarely an intention among self-injurers. In fact more times than not, self-injury is a coping mechanism that prevents suicide. SO, keep your uninformed opinions, and suggestions to yourself. Oh and if you do need help stick around. Everyone here is nice. You dont need to be MEAN!!!!

Re: Top yourselves you useless people
Posted by Emma on Tue Nov 20 15:33:37 2001 (#11990)

I agree,people like *him* are just the kinda people we dont need in this society,it really annoys me how low people can be and how much they dont seem to care. People like this are probably the ones that need help,in my opinion anyway.

*^Light a candle for the sinners, set the world on fire*^

xx

Message deleted
Posted by none on Thu Nov 22 12:21:32 2001 (#12077)

This message has been deleted by the site owner...

Message deleted
Posted by none on Thu Nov 22 12:21:40 2001 (#12078)

This message has been deleted by the site owner...

Message deleted
Posted by none on Thu Nov 22 12:16:29 2001 (#12070)

This message has been deleted by the site owner...

Re: Top yourselves you useless people
Posted by Alana on Sun Nov 18 02:03:05 2001 (#11911)

I was thinking of actually doing that tonight, so thanks for the push.

Message deleted
Posted by none on Sun Nov 18 02:55:20 2001 (#11914)

This message has been deleted by the site owner...

Message deleted
Posted by none on Thu Nov 22 12:17:13 2001 (#12071)

This message has been deleted by the site owner...

Re: Top yourselves you useless people
Posted by kae on Sun Nov 18 05:39:05 2001 (#11916)

hey shithead, give us one good reason why we should listen to you, anyway?

you've never been here before - you're nobody. so piss off and amuse yourself doing something more creative - wanking, for example.

kae

Message deleted
Posted by none on Thu Nov 22 12:17:53 2001 (#12072)

This message has been deleted by the site owner...

Re: been there done that, Fuck yourself
Posted by KAT on Sun Nov 18 20:38:00 2001 (#11922)

.

Message deleted
Posted by none on Thu Nov 22 12:18:35 2001 (#12073)

This message has been deleted by the site owner...

Re: Top yourselves you useless people
Posted by Mego on Mon Nov 19 01:37:42 2001 (#11928)

you dont even know what some of us are going through. you arent even worth getting angry at.

Message deleted
Posted by none on Thu Nov 22 12:19:14 2001 (#12074)

This message has been deleted by the site owner...

Re: Top yourselves you useless people
Posted by Tara on Mon Nov 19 20:36:17 2001 (#11955)

lisen here it is people like you that need to shut the fuck up.you have no place here.you have no idea the things we go through.if you think that way you should off yourself.if you don't someday someone else will with you telling people that kind of shit.i don't appreciate that at all.and dieing is not the way to solve things like you think it would.so go back to where ever you fucking come from and stay the fuck out.you are lucky i don't know you.i am not going to say what i would do to you if i did.its to grusome to say.this is not a threat,its a promise.if you tried to be in one of these persons shoes you would probaly break down.we are very much stronger than you will ever be.just by not ripping you to shreads we grow stronger.so you think that you are big and bad.guess again MOTHER FUCKER.

TARA BUTTERBAUGH.

Message deleted
Posted by none on Thu Nov 22 12:20:00 2001 (#12075)

This message has been deleted by the site owner...

Re: Top yourselves you useless people
Posted by chris on Tue Nov 20 09:07:24 2001 (#11975)

not again, yeah?

Message deleted
Posted by none on Thu Nov 22 12:20:37 2001 (#12076)

This message has been deleted by the site owner...

Re: Top yourselves you useless people
Posted by megz on Tue Nov 20 23:14:30 2001 (#12012)

To start off,i think you're the one who should slit their wrists because people with your attitude shouldn't even be on this planet.You don't know any of these people,so why judge them?You obviously don't know anything about self injury or even the emotions and hard times us HUMANS have.All that's left to say now is thank fuck there are decent,understanding people on this planet unlike you.

Message deleted
Posted by none on Thu Nov 22 01:47:06 2001 (#12059)

This message has been deleted by the site owner...

Message deleted
Posted by none on Thu Nov 22 12:03:25 2001 (#12068)

This message has been deleted by the site owner...

Message deleted
Posted by none on Thu Nov 22 12:13:59 2001 (#12069)

This message has been deleted by the site owner...

Message deleted
Posted by none on Fri Nov 23 09:43:24 2001 (#12105)

This message has been deleted by the site owner...

Message deleted
Posted by none on Fri Nov 23 21:43:12 2001 (#12118)

This message has been deleted by the site owner...

Message deleted
Posted by none on Sun Nov 25 11:06:01 2001 (#12202)

This message has been deleted by the site owner...

it makes is worse
Posted by Aspen on Sun Nov 18 00:20:54 2001 (#11910)

sometimes when I hear about ppl who cut worse than me and stuff, It makes me wanna go do it more because I feel like I don't even need help, let alone deserve it. I am goin to go see my school streetworker again hopefully on Monday if she's there and get some shitty stuff sorted out. I hate myself and am seriously condidering suicide.

Re: it makes is worse
Posted by Alana on Sun Nov 18 02:05:41 2001 (#11912)

I"m the same, so I don't even bother asking people how they cut anymore. Just makes me cut deeper.

Colin dude, you make me feel inadequate as a cutter, ever since you I've been cutting so deep just trying to catch up with you. Ya so there's my humour for today and that's all you're getting. That goes for all a ya. Hahaha, shit.

Love, Alana

Re: it makes is worse
Posted by kae on Sun Nov 18 05:44:04 2001 (#11917)

you're right. hearing about other ppl's cutting, stitches, hospitalization etc makes me feel so inadequate. cutting is my control - its something ive beaten my friends who also cut in. the worst of them, one who is on strong meds and has been diagnosed as clinically depressed, told me herself that my cuts were worse than hers. that made me feel so good.

when another of my friends (yes we're all fucked up) started cutting, she told her counsellor but refused to let her see the cuts. her counsellor immediately thought this meant the cuts were really bad, and was constantly asking about how deep, how bad, when was the last time, etc etc. that made me really mad - her cuts were just scratches compared to mine, and yet the counsellor had no interest in me.

it just pissed me off. anyone else felt like that??

kae

Re: it makes is worse
Posted by Alana on Sun Nov 18 06:30:43 2001 (#11918)

Yup. I've felt like that before. After I told one of my friends that I cut myself, she came to school the next week telling me that she had cut herself the night before. She told my teacher who also knew about me, and he was so worried about her cuts. I saw them later that day, and they were just scratches, not even deep enough to bleed a little, juts scratched skin. He was so worried. I was like "HELLO, mine are down to the fat and veins" - yet he never seemed to care about that. Alana can handle herself. Ya ok, think again.

So yes, I know how you feel.

Egggghhhh!

Alana

Re: it makes is worse
Posted by Aspen on Sun Nov 18 22:38:04 2001 (#11923)

holy shit yeah. I know how you feel, my friend one day decided to do it too and because she wouldn't show anybody, they all assumed she was in such worse condition than me, I was like hello? R u ppl alive? My skin is broken atleast, she practically doesn't have a mark left on her arm!ffff!!

Re: it makes is worse
Posted by kae on Sun Nov 18 23:25:41 2001 (#11924)

wow.....it makes me feel so much better to hear uve had similar experiences...

last night my friend started tellin me that she'd 'slashed' her wrists. ive seen them and they were NOT slashed. cut, yes, but not badly. slashing is so much more violent than what she does. and she also says that she 'slit' her wrists.....slitting is NOT what she does!! slitting is getting right into the major veins - slitting is what ppl do when they are trying to kill themselves.

arrgghh it frustrates me so much....GET IT RIGHT, non-cutters! YOU DONT KNOW A THING.

kae

Re: it makes is worse
Posted by Alana on Mon Nov 19 03:12:17 2001 (#11932)

I can spot the fake cutters a mile away, and so far I haven't encountered any fake cutters on this board. Fake cutters are too lazy to get up and research SI. Thats my theory anyways.

forget it
Posted by Aspen on Sun Nov 18 02:23:23 2001 (#11913)

I shouldn't have said I was considering offing myself earlier, I have felt like that before but that is not what I felt like at the time, I was confused and such. I am getting help on Monday and hopefully this will end.

Message deleted
Posted by none on Sun Nov 18 03:44:38 2001 (#11915)

This message has been deleted by the site owner...

Message deleted
Posted by none on Thu Nov 22 19:37:10 2001 (#12090)

This message has been deleted by the site owner...

Re: Scarred Red
Posted by ...VäMpyRë§s.. on Sun Nov 25 11:09:10 2001 (#12203)

SHUT UP GODDAMMIT

tired
Posted by justanother on Sun Nov 18 13:29:31 2001 (#11919)

well hi, i know i have never posted here before, but i need to get stuff out. i am a cutter and have been hospilised for 2 months for it. i have been out not for at least 5 months. nothing works. i am so sad. i can't work out how to get better. i've tried. tried.... but i can't do it. but the real thing is, i don't want to be better. whenever i feel happy i do everything in my power to bring myself down again. i do anything i can to prove i am still sick. and i can't stop doing this. i am scared because in a week i have exams. i have always been a perfectionist, and i know this time i won't be getting a+'s. i know that the main thing is that i am alive, but somehow that doesn't seem to help. i don't know what to say. and i think that is the problem. everything is wrapped up tight inside me. and i am just so tired. does it really matter?????

Re: tired
Posted by kae on Sun Nov 18 23:32:16 2001 (#11925)

stay on here, talk to us more. most of us post everyday, so we know each other fairly well.

have u been to counselling? its vital that u seek help and maybe try meds. most of us on here feel the same way as you do about getting help, so talk to us!!

hope to hear from ya soon

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: tired
Posted by ignorance is bliss on Mon Nov 19 01:38:54 2001 (#11929)

sweetie i understand just how you feel, im new here myself, well SORTA, i used to be here a LONG time ago.. Long long LONG time ago.. but im back, But i know just how you feel, ive been hospitalzed twice, and its seems as if, nothing ever helps.. nothing. Im here for you.

recommended reading
Posted by *me* on Sun Nov 18 19:18:08 2001 (#11921)

Hey...dunno if ne1 is interested but thought I'd share neways. I just got this book last nite, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul on Tough Stuff. I think it's good and worth reading for all of us. Maybe it's just cuz I'm a sucker for the Chicken Soup books - lol I have like 10 of them - no joke - but really, I recommend it. I've already read the chapter on suicide. I dunno...just thought I'd share that I think it's good.

Re: recommended reading
Posted by kae on Sun Nov 18 23:36:17 2001 (#11926)

hey i wondered what that book was like, maybe il buy a copy.

thanks

kae

Re: recommended reading
Posted by ignorance is bliss on Mon Nov 19 01:40:10 2001 (#11930)

ive read the other chicke soup books, and they are really good, so ill take your word for it... I just hate how they have NOTHING about cutting in it

Re: recommended reading
Posted by *me* on Mon Nov 19 23:59:51 2001 (#11962)

I know I hate that too. But this book actually does have some stories about cutting. There is a poem in the suicide section that talks about "cutting w/ razor blades" and there is a story called "cookie cutter hands" which is all about cutting. I don't know if there are any other stories bc I'm not done w/ the book yet.

I could never find nething in the other chicken soup books about cutting, and it really bugged me, too. But this book is really good. I got it Saturday and I'm already almost done w/ it. hehe.

just lonely (vox et praeterea nihil)
Posted by jes on Mon Nov 19 01:51:23 2001 (#11931)

hey,

I'm only writing this because it's quarter to 1 in the morning, i've een working and should be tired, buti'm not. i haven't cut in a couple of days, which is good, i suppose, but i think it might mean that i'm getting closer to the time when i will do it. does that make sense? instead of saying, 'yey, ii didn't cut' i say 'hmm, and the count down begins to the next time' i feel like doing it right now. i want to. i want to bleed and idon't know why. yes i do. because every time i wake up, i'm still the same as i was before and no ammount of therapy is going to change ME or my life. listen to me, it's soo pathetic, i sound so sorry for myself. oh well, amybe i am, i dunno, i'm just fed up with being me.

xx felo de se xx

Re: just lonely (vox et praeterea nihil)
Posted by Mego on Mon Nov 19 03:15:05 2001 (#11933)

i feel ya man. i know exactly what youre goin through. you dont sound at all like youre feelin sorry for yourself. stay stong. peace. mego

Re: just lonely (vox et praeterea nihil)
Posted by star on Mon Nov 19 12:06:24 2001 (#11944)

I love you please dont feel bad you are doing so well, you dont neen to change you but just what you think of yourself i think its more a self esteem thing than about you as a actual person as you are the most beautiful, interlligent and caring person i know you just need to find that yourself Omnia vinat Amor. Amz xxx

Re: just lonely (vox et praeterea nihil)
Posted by jes on Mon Nov 19 14:31:06 2001 (#11947)

thank-you both, i dunno what's wrong with me. hmm, well i didn't cut n e way, i got myslef stoned instead, maybe not much healthier, but at least the damage isn't visible, eh? he he, we're both starting to talk in latin, he he, makes us sound soo much more intelligent doesn't it? talking in this long lost ancient typee language! xx

Re: just lonely (vox et praeterea nihil)
Posted by star (amz) on Mon Nov 19 15:05:41 2001 (#11948)

i think gettin stoned is very healthy lol, so is getting drunk and watching your boyf and your sis's boyf gett off lol ;\0 oh n i told brian i was straight and he said as straight as a circle!!!! lol i dont deny it at all! Anyway baby dont worry if you need me then call me (mobile is the best idea as then you know ull get me! ) i love you Amz xxx Omnia vinat amour (what does your thingy mean?)

vox et praeterea nihil - means...........
Posted by jes on Mon Nov 19 15:29:11 2001 (#11952)

it means 'a voice and nothing more'

Re: just lonely (vox et praeterea nihil)
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Nov 20 03:36:41 2001 (#11969)

Hang in there Jes, you have a lot of friends pulling for you. Write if you want to. Take care. Love, Rhonda

My heart was aching
Posted by Alana on Mon Nov 19 03:21:08 2001 (#11934)

I saw him walking on the other side of the street, so I crossed the road and stood in his path just waiting for him to notice me. He caught a glimpse of me when he raised his head from watching the ground pass under his feet. He didn't smile, yet he didn't frown. He just let it be. He brushed up against me looking me straight in the eye and picked up my hand in his. Nothing was said, we just walked hand in hand for miles, until I woke up and realized that my heart was aching.

Love, Alana

Re: My heart was aching
Posted by mego on Mon Nov 19 03:38:31 2001 (#11936)

i know. i hate that too. it hurts so bad. i'm sorry. god, thats the worst.

Re: My heart was aching
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Nov 20 03:39:46 2001 (#11970)

Hi Alana, I wish I knew some fancy words to make you feel better, but I don't. I'm thinking about you tonight and saying a prayer for you. Take care. Love, Rhonda

god...
Posted by Mego on Mon Nov 19 03:35:15 2001 (#11935)

i dont know what i am feeling right now. i need something... i just dont know what. there has got to be something to make me feel more...complete? i dont know. everything is just so messed up right now. its like i'm someone else, looking at my life and i see myself, freaking out in the bathroom, cutting myself over and over until i have calmed down. i dont cry like i should be able to, not hard enough to help like cutting will. i know i should stop, that it isnt healthy. but there is nothing in the world that is as good as cutting. i can always depend on a razor to make me feel better. it cant hurt me, cant turn me away. its so much more dependable than anyone in the world could ever be. its almost like its a form of friendship. sometimes i'd rather be cutting myself than hanging out with my friends because i just cant relate to much that they say. all they talk about is guys and how much they hate everyone. yeah, i dont get along with a lot of people but some of this shit is just so stupid. petty. as for guys... well that is just too confusing. haha, bastards. thats all i have to say. goddamn bastards. is any of this normal? if i'm just bitching will someone please respond to this and tell me that youre sick of it cause i will stop. its all stupid shit anyway. i think i'm kinda repeating myself in every post. i dont need to share this shit. i wonder why i am... okay, enough. i'm done.

This is freaking insane
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 19 04:29:45 2001 (#11937)

I don't understand anything anymore... One of my friends told an authority figure that I have eatting disorders (on top of cutting and burning) and I'm just so mad... I don't even know who I'm mad at because I don't know who told... And it's weird because the person I think told is one of my closest friends and I can't even imagine thinking that I'd be mad at her... This is so weird... I feel like I hate eveyone and everthing... Last night was so crazy... My emotions were screaming to be released adn I won't let my self cry and feel that relief... I honestly havent'cried since july (unless you count the time that I was totally expressionless, not making a sound or feeling anything, but tears streaming down my cheeks) But anyway I've just worked so hard on punishing myself to finially let it out even a little... I feel like I' going to exploded... My sucidal thoughts are coing back... Nothing is real anymore... It's almost as if mentally I'm somewhere in my own little world, but physically I'm here... It's so werid like nothing affects me anymore... Well things to affect me, but I push all my feeling aside so I don't have to deal with it... Gosh I hate when I do this, but I'll never open up to anyone because I don't want to face my dad going to jail and me being taken to a girl home... I hate life.... Michelle

Re: This is freaking insane
Posted by kae on Mon Nov 19 04:58:56 2001 (#11940)

ohhhh hun.......im so sorry you're hurting so bad.

lifes a fucking bitch. it doesnt help to state the obvious, i know. but life isn't always the same. it changes. heres a quote i found:

"All things are difficult before they are easy." this is so true. life, as hellish as it may seem, will always get better. but sometimes you need the help of others to make it better. are u getting help? meds? you need to talk to a professional and sort out whats going on in your head. your depression wont go away all by itself....you need to seek help.

try writing. writing in a diary can help a lot because your feelings are on paper and not inside you. once you make writing a habit, things are easier to deal with....

i hope this helps....feel free to yell and scream at me if it doesnt..!!

luv 'n hugz....kae

Re: This is freaking insane
Posted by *Poison on Mon Nov 19 21:14:18 2001 (#11957)

I know what you mean Michelle, i fear the same thing about being taken away and stuff....my dad threatened to put me in one because he couldn't handle my cutting anymore..(even though they wouldn't have accepted me with my cutting anyway....) but i dunno...i wish i could, just leave i was actually sort of happy that he threatened that...but i was also wicked scared. i'm always scared espically about my mom, i don't know why i stick up for her so much. i once told my counselour something and she had to tell the department for child and youth services (DCYS) and they had to come and investigate. that day though i went to a friend's house because i was too scared to see the lady that was comming. but i know that everyone else lied to the lady...i dunno...

Amanda(KoKo)

arggh its SUMMER....
Posted by kae on Mon Nov 19 04:35:31 2001 (#11938)

the days are getting hotter and hotter....(im in new zealand)...i love the sun....but not this year.

last night i drew a picture of my left arm. i drew in every cut and scar. the next time i cut, im going to make myself add it to the picture. i dont know why....it'll probably end up like a competition to myself. but its also to show myself how bad it was....so that, when i do stop, i wont forget what it was like.

the part that annoys me most is the fact that my counsellor will never see the state of my arms. she'll never realise just how bad it was, or how much damage i was capable of.....but then, il probably still be doing it when we go back to school next year so....yeah.

has anyone got any ideas about healing scars? hiding scars? is there some sort of make-up i could use?? PLEASE IM DESPERATE!!!

thanx

kae

A few words of advice
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 19 04:40:08 2001 (#11939)

NEVER TRUST a freaking single soul UNLESS you want you heart broken once again... It would have been SOOO much better if I had shut my damn fucking and crawled into a little corner and died... Sorry I don't usually curse but life sucks like shit right now. Gosh I feel like no one will ever be a true friend no matter how fucking hard I try... I fucking hate life Michelle

Re: A few words of advice
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Nov 20 03:44:07 2001 (#11971)

I'm sorry you're hurting Michelle. You can trust people, but they have to earn your trust first. We're all pulling for you. Take care. LOve, Rhonda

does anyone
Posted by mego on Mon Nov 19 05:05:03 2001 (#11941)

does anyone ever write something down, when theyre upset, and then just keep goin on and on until you arent even thinking, just writing tons of shit? i did that today. it was crazy, almost scared me. i had shit like "you know what mommy? i know. i know everything that you're thinking and you will NEVER KNOW ME! you think its funny? i dont! haha! joke! don't fuck with me, i hate you! WHY DO YOU HATE ME? i know you do. why dont i just die!! go ahead, you've had the chance to do it, go for it. its okay. dont be scared. i'm not" the whole thing was like this. i was shaking so bad when i was done, and i still cut myself. that kinda shit is supposed to help, but it made it worse. how can i think things like that? i'm insane. god, where did those thoughts come from. dammit!!

Re: does anyone
Posted by jes on Mon Nov 19 15:08:57 2001 (#11949)

hey hunney,

You're not insane, I've done it many times before, maybe it's just a way of saying what you want to say when you can't really sya it to who you want to? does that make sense? it won't necessarily make you feel better, i mean, how many people fel better after having an arguent like the one you wrote down? it's like you really did have that discussion with your mum, and just like if you had really had it, you cut, see, perfectly rational!! lol, sorry if my attempt to explain the wierd yet wonderful ways of a cutter don't make sense, just tell me to shut up. take care, love n hugs, jes xx p.s. feel free to mail me if you want, even if it's just to tell e how much shit i can wirte in such a short time! i don't mind. If it helps, do it. xx

Is this sick or what?
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 19 05:40:10 2001 (#11942)

If I jumped off a building and had my blood and body splattered everywhere it would make less of a mess than what you've made of my life... Gosh that is so fucking true... Is it normal that I think how I would land if I jumped out of a window? How much blood I lost in this finally attempt to ease my pain? Is it normal to think about how many cuts and slashes jumping out of the window will cause from landing on the glass... Ummm... whatever the number would be isn't enough to punish myself as much as I deserve. I suppose it's not normal that I think of my own death and what it would be like, then why do I do it? Why is killing myself the only way out? I'm so sick I don't remember ever being this bad before, but no I'm not on meds because I'm not allowed (long story) but even if what would meds do for me? Keep me alive? that's the exact opposite of what I want... Just fucking shoot me and when I go to heaven I'll watch the video of when the bullet passed through my head and blew chunks of my brain all over the floor... Gosh I'm fucking sick... I scare myself, but oh well I don't care much anymore... Michelle

Re: Is this sick or what?
Posted by jes on Mon Nov 19 15:16:26 2001 (#11950)

ur not sick hun, or at least i hope not because i think the same things as you quite a lot of the time. It does worry me exactly how much time i spend thinking about my own death, whether it be, how i could do it, or why today maybe i don't feel like it and then there's always the things that you mentioned. i'm sorry you feel so bad and i know it sounds like the hugest cliche around on this board, but it WILL get better. feel free to mail me. xx

Re: Is this sick or what?
Posted by Mego on Mon Nov 19 23:35:12 2001 (#11961)

do you have good days and bad days or is every day like this??

helping to stop cutting
Posted by Open on Mon Nov 19 06:16:55 2001 (#11943)

it's so difficult to stop. i can't seem to stop it and lately cutting has become A LOT deeper. i can see the fat tissues...why can't i stop? does anyone have any advice on how to stop? My mom, my friends all tell me i need to stop but i can't. i just can't! it's something i need. i threw away my razors last night, but i'm about to break in a new one. advice??? please help me!

Re: helping to stop cutting
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Nov 20 03:47:28 2001 (#11972)

If you really want to stop, ask for help. Find and adult you trust and tell them you need them to help you cause you can't stop yourself. Are you seeing a therapist or on any meds? That might help some, but please get someone to help you. If you want to talk, just email me. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Im gona tell some one
Posted by Jenny on Mon Nov 19 13:19:03 2001 (#11946)

Hiya everyone. I just wana know that everyone is alright after all the abuse that has been flying around in here over the weekend. I never should have posted to start the whole bloody mess off. That is all I do is cause a mess where ever I go! So ne way life is still aload of shit im well scared Im gona tell some one today that I ahve started cutting again wish me luck!

Re: Im gona tell some one
Posted by jes on Mon Nov 19 15:23:46 2001 (#11951)

hey hun, good look with telling some one, i hope it goes well for you, i'm sure it'll be fine. the whole thing ith people arguing....it wasn't your fault, yes he replyed to your post, but then he did to mine as well and comeone elses. the only one blame for this is the stupid twat who thought it might be funny to take the piss. :-) love n hugs, jes xx

Re: Im gona tell some one
Posted by *me* on Tue Nov 20 00:10:44 2001 (#11963)

You don't cause a mess wherever you go! You are completely welcome here - I'm sure that's true of pretty much everyone here - it's at least true w/ me! Neone is welcome here bc we know about something the rest of the world doesn't. Whoa, I just kinda had like an epiphany thing - lol. We are a unified ppl. When you think NO ONE else understands, come here bc WE DO. We may be miles and miles and miles apart from each other, but every single person who has ever posted here has formed a bond. It's like a really big chain of people and we are all linked together and the links can never ever be broken. And even if someone leaves the board, they are still part of that chain bc we are PSYKE and we are cutters.

Newho...enuf of that deep thought - lol - GOOD LUCK! :-)

Re: Im gona tell some one
Posted by jes on Tue Nov 20 13:28:15 2001 (#11981)

i like that thought, thank-you for posting it, i never thought of it like that before. xx

Re: Im gona tell some one
Posted by FallenFromGrace on Tue Nov 20 18:03:58 2001 (#11997)

I'm welcome - yay!

Great, now I can start posting again.

In addition, jes - is it possible for you to articulate a reponse that doesn't contain a swear word?

Y'know, maybe mature a little?

FallenFromGrace
Posted by DyingtoDie on Tue Nov 20 22:07:13 2001 (#12004)

You are not welcome here with all the rude remarks to people... We all live our lives the way we want and jes can curse as much and as often as she wants to. you have no control over that... I mean come on look at me. I never curse, but I flipped a couple of times and said every swear word that I knew... (Ok that really had nothing to do with it, but oh well) All I'm saying is little rude remarks about what you don't like about other people will tear this site apart. We'll all get ad and take sides, and no one will get the help that they need... Please I'm askign you don't start this again... Come here to talk and let out the pain that is eatting us all up inside... Let us help each other... Ok I sound like a moron so I'm just gonna stop there... Michelle

Re: Im gona tell some one
Posted by *me* on Tue Nov 20 22:37:27 2001 (#12007)

Let's say the link is only broken when people don't respect each other. How does that sound to everyone? To be welcome here you have to be respectful.

Re: Im gona tell some one
Posted by jes on Wed Nov 21 12:59:21 2001 (#12040)

umm, yes i suppose that would be a possibility, i tend to swear more when i'm angry, so don't make me angry and i might not swear quite so much. lol.

Permanent location: http://www.psyke.org/archive/ratatosk/061

© 2002 Ratatosk - Page generated by Yggdrasil, Fri Oct 4 2002 (20:00:47)
All stories, poems and comments on this site are owned by their respective authors.