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Threads 2951 to 3000

Do you relate to any of this?
Posted by Dawn on Sun Nov 4 05:44:31 2001 (#11566)

I have a book, I talked about it a few months ago, but feel like this is a good time to speak of it again, because it puts light on how I have been forgetting what it is that goes on in me.

LIFE AT THE BORDER, by Leland M. Keller M.D.

Imagine you are reading the front of the book with me, and while you do make a mental note of things that seem to click with you. Ok now, going from the top right corner: Too Much Anger..Don't Want To Live..Pain..Feeling Numb..Black And White Thinking..Who Am I?.. What Do I Want?..Alcohol and Drugs..Binge Spending..LOSE IT UNDER STRESS..Bored..Fear Of Abandonment..Impulsive..Binge Eating.. Self Hate..Reckless Driving..Feeling Worthless..Poor Memory..Self-Destruction.. Mood Swings..Unstable Relationships..Empty ..Can't Trust.

When I read those words, I saw me in every one and thought this Leland Keller had been inside my head and knew me. In the two days I was on suicide watch I skimmed through the book, then wrote down the address of his clinic and before long I had me copy. It is like a bouy, a life-line, a mirror reflection of who I am, how I feel, and what I do to escape my feelings. And now that I am on the board it reminds me that those things that frustrates me, and makes me feel powerless to help people get past all the shit they have to go through is the very same feelings, and issues I go through.

This doctor says that Borderline Personality Disorder is an illness that is not our fault, now is it deserved. And he believes this order can be beaten.

I want to ask forgiveness of all those people I have not been patient with. Sometimes I want to get you to the place I am, and yet I am not as strong as I want to be.

When my shit comes up and knocks me flat, my brains leave me body to fend for itself which leads me to my scissors, not for pleasure, but for and end to the suffering.FOR ME CUTTING IS A WAY TO STOP THE MERY GO ROUND SO I CAN END THE SWIRLING EMOTIONS, AND END THE BATTLE OF MY MIND AND BODY.

I DO NOT WANT TO DIE. I JUST WANT THE BATTLE OVER FAST.

Re: Do you relate to any of this?
Posted by ashley on Sun Nov 4 06:54:15 2001 (#11569)

for awile now, i have suspected myself of having broderline presonality disorder. i do have all the symptoms, yet somehow, it just dosent seem right. i most likely have something, my dad is bi-polar/manic-depressive/sciz ophrenic. i think thats how you spell it. anyways, i just thought id shre that, mabybe if someone wants, theyll tell me whether im full of shit or what. luff, ashley

Re: Do you relate to any of this?
Posted by KAT on Sun Nov 4 16:47:33 2001 (#11587)

I also see myself in those words. I read a book by (a docotr, fuck cant remmeber his name). It was like he was in my head, every sentence I read on I kept saying YES YES..thats me! WOW. its amazing how common every feeling is amongst people with depression and such. Dawn, Im glad you dont wanna die, we all want it over fast but we know the truth it takes time.anything that is worth doing takes time. love and hugs-KAT

nothing i am, nothing i say, nothing is real
Posted by ashley on Sun Nov 4 06:46:12 2001 (#11568)

reading these posts, i realise that i am not alone, other people feel exactly the way i do. my the-rapist told me that things could always be worse, someone always has it worse than me. and some of these posts are worse than what i have. i want to help, to let you all know i care and am here, yet i am always at a loss for words. what can i say? even to those of you who are the same as me? i truly admire those of you who can put your feelings and help into words. even though i rarell post here, and even more rarely reply to any of the other posts, you have all helped me immensely.

Re: nothing i am, nothing i say, nothing is real
Posted by KAT on Sun Nov 4 16:49:29 2001 (#11588)

Im always at a loss for words, I try so hard to say what I want and to say what I think will help , and I hope it does. just replying w/ a take care can make someone day. It makes mine
:) love -KAT

Re: nothing i am, nothing i say, nothing is real
Posted by Dawn on Sun Nov 4 22:20:46 2001 (#11599)

Ashley, what a lovely name. Thanks so much for reading our posts. I think we all feel inadequate in knowing how to respond. As Kat said, and I've been told in emails, that mostly the people on this board just want to be heard (without my lectures). So if all you can say is a word or two. Those might hold more weight than my stories (lectures).

Keep reading. It really helps me knowing there are people reading even if no one responds.

:-) Dawn

**
Posted by thisbe on Sun Nov 4 11:16:36 2001 (#11571)

I really want to cut. but i'm afraid to. I was once addicted to it and I don't wanna feel like that anymore. I just want to see my blood and realize that I'm still alive because lately I feel like i'm dead inside.

want to cut
Posted by thisbe on Sun Nov 4 11:16:44 2001 (#11572)

Re: want to cut
Posted by thisbe on Sun Nov 4 12:00:29 2001 (#11573)

ow i've posted it twice. sorry

Re: want to cut
Posted by KAT on Sun Nov 4 16:51:09 2001 (#11589)

that exact same thing happened to me, and unfortunatly I gave in, but that doesnt mean I gave up. Stay strong and keep your heart and mind in the right place. take care!!!!!!!! hugs and much love TO YOU. -KAT

and so it begins...
Posted by KAT on Sun Nov 4 16:54:58 2001 (#11590)

I don't go to N.A. meetings anymore, my mother doesnt have time and I wrecked my 2nd car. I cut for no reason most the time just to have a scar that will actually satisfy me.

Drugs, Pot, speed, alcohol, fun times, Bad memories.

Last night I went to the place where I FIRST cut EVER! It wasnt a cut it was a total mutilation, total ambush on my poor little arm. (No details, to bad of thoughts).

Too bad of poems dont read them, they'll make you go crazy.

Your not my friend, friends dont make me want to kill myself.

I cant go back there, they said Im crazy, it hurts my heart to hear that..why do you say that when your only kidding.

Im not in a bad place, just a bad time.

what will I do now... Smoke some pot...that'll make it all go away, and when I wake up from my fucking drnken daze Ill have blood all over....fun times bad memories. -KAT

Re: and so it begins...
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 5 19:25:25 2001 (#11643)

I'm sorry people make you feel like that... Lots of love and care Michelle

I'm really sorry!
Posted by Jenny on Sun Nov 4 17:49:28 2001 (#11591)

Hiya everyone, Im so sorry about the way I've been going on latly. Life sucks, i know but I shouldnt be taking it out on you ppl, your my mates!!! I stayed out all night last night,getting pissed and sleeping rough. there were 8 of us to start with then went down to 7. it woz pissing it down and we thought the police came but it wozn't so we moved on 4 nuthing!! nothing happened to us coz we live in a small quite village in england! it woz ok. Life is going kinda ok at de mo dont feel as shit as I did, just wait til monday, ahhhhhhhhhh skool! luv ya all Jenny xx

never need to apologize
Posted by Amanda on Sun Nov 4 21:34:08 2001 (#11596)

this place is meant for venting. that is what we are here for we are here to do. we help by listening. never feel the need to apologize!!

love trust and pixi dust, Amanda

Don't cut on E
Posted by Alana on Sun Nov 4 18:54:52 2001 (#11592)

If ever any of you are on E....don't cut yourself. You can't feel the pain, and if you do...you'll love the pain. I brought my razors along with me to the party I went to last night, and I slit my wrists sooooooo deep. I didn't realize how hard I was pushing down on my skin with my razor, and I was bleeding non stop for about 30 minutes. I've never seen so much blood come out of me before. (minus the curse of my period) I suffered blood loss, and my eyes were rolling back in my head (combination of E and blood loss). My best friend was there with me the whole time taking care of me, covering me when I was cold, and wiping me down with a cold cloth when I got to hot. She was there when I was puking up my hate, and she was there wiping away my tears when I was crying. She was there.

Re: Don't cut on E
Posted by KAT on Mon Nov 5 00:16:12 2001 (#11601)

so Alana..you go to parties? I dunno this is just a guess but maybe all these fucking drugs you do are kinda well really comtributing to your painful feelings. I thought all the shit I was taking was helping me get away from it but it added so much shit. And I still do it, althoug now I kinda know what Im in for. Im so glad your friend was there for ya, shes a true friend. thats good to have. I hope your okay, be careful~!!!!!! Dont just blow me off pleaase BBBBEEE CAREFUL!!!!!! love and hugs-KAT

Re: Don't cut on E
Posted by Emz on Tue Nov 20 18:19:42 2001 (#11999)

sounds bad, watch what your doing sweetheart

Re: Don't cut on E
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Nov 5 01:52:38 2001 (#11616)

Alana, I hope you're feeling better. I'm thinking about you. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: Don't cut on E
Posted by kae on Thu Nov 8 10:01:29 2001 (#11744)

okay.....did u get stitches or at least some form of medical attention? i hope so.

kae

Re: Don't cut on E
Posted by garrett on Thu Nov 15 05:06:42 2001 (#11864)

dum ass

Re: Don't cut on E
Posted by Alana on Fri Nov 16 04:02:58 2001 (#11875)

Did I ask for your opinion. Nope. I know it was stupid which is why I posted it. SO what the hell is your problem?

Re: Don't cut on E
Posted by rvb20@dc.rr.com on Wed Nov 21 07:39:27 2001 (#12029)

Alana, you are a sick person. Get some help. Why and how could you do such a thing? Seems like you need alot of love and attention. Thats why you do it. Also cause you hate yourself. If you are doing these things to make your friends notice you, well, hang it up. Think about it.

Re: Don't cut on E
Posted by kim on Thu Nov 22 04:54:53 2001 (#12061)

why would you bring a razor to a party... you have to be cutting for attenion...when i do cut i try to hide it as much as i can, and i always do it alone...think about why you are really doing this

Re: Don't cut on E
Posted by ... on Sun Nov 25 20:33:02 2001 (#12228)

cant u be a bit more sensitive than just calling her a dumb-ass!

cutting
Posted by Mary on Sun Nov 4 19:59:54 2001 (#11593)

I only started cutting about 7 months ago but i dont think i could stop if i wanted to.Ive been put in the mental hospital twice now and put on three different meds.but i dont feel any better.I may still cutting and still feel the same as before but every time i tell my dr,he either wants to put me back in the hospital or give me more meds.My family thinks Im nuts they dont understand and I get tired trying to keep explaining My moms realy bad see Im 37 years old with two kids and she wants to treat me like im the kid.When I get into my moods she wants me to talk about it I try to tell her that i dont want to talk i just want to be left alone.I know she means well but that only adds to my mood.

Re: cutting
Posted by Dawn on Sun Nov 4 22:57:37 2001 (#11600)

Hi Mary, don't believe I've seen your name on here before... but I have a poor memory. I am like your mom. I try to get people to talk about what is going on inside themselves. I do it because I've learned that by opening up my thoughts and feelings and getting them outside of me I don't cut as much.

I want to say I wasn't always this way, but after I married my children's father I needed for him to hear what he was doing to me was hurting me and our marriage and I would write it all out, because I couldn't get him to listen to me... and it didn't help that he was drunk most of the time. Finally I gave the writing thing up because I would find my letters to him wadded up an on the floor when I'd get up later.

I learned that my idea that if he knew that when he raped me I would be in severe physical pain and would rock myself for nearly 3 hours before the pain would let up enough for me to go back to sleep. that he would stop coming home drunk and raping me was a useless notion.

Now I have learned that I write and I talk for my own sake. That if I put what is going on inside me into words, they become changeable. And when done here on the board I can get feedback, or at least valadation that I'm not crazy, or alone in my feelings or thinking, and that 9 times out of 10 I don't cut.

But there were years I wanted to cut and didn't want anyone to stop me, so I didn't call for help until after I cut. But I'm better now. Mostly because I talk about what I'm feeling, including my wanting to cut, before I pick up my scissors, or now that I'm on the board and everyone else uses blades I experiment with them superficially rather than get my scissors and cutting until I need stitches.

This is just a suggestion, but maybe you can pacify your mother, simply by telling her that when you are ready to talk you will. And tell her you've found this board and that it is helpful.

Mary, just so you know I was maybe a year older than you are when I started cutting, and now I'm 49.

Stay safe. And email me if you wish. :-)Dawn

Re: cutting
Posted by KAT on Mon Nov 5 00:19:24 2001 (#11602)

I dont know, you sound like me , the only thing is Im just 16 so I dont know if I can really relate to that, but I totaly understand..no one really wants to HELP"help". They just wanna stick you in some crazy house or drug you up so you cant even feel. Im sorry, feel better. love and Hugs -KAT Im KAT by the way.Hello

Re: cutting
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 5 19:22:09 2001 (#11642)

So I guess you are much older than I am, but my mom always trys to get me to talk. But I know she won't understand anyway because she see cutting as so fliftly and wrong... But anyway she asks me question for like 15 minutes and I just stare off into space as if I didn't hear a word then she shakes me to brong me back, but I still act like that... I just wish she would leave me alone...But oh well I'm in my senior year and I'll be off to college soon... Hope you're feeling better. Lots of Love Michelle

nothin to say nothin to feel
Posted by Amanda on Sun Nov 4 21:25:31 2001 (#11595)

numbness and tears, joys and fears, combined and controlled, by the blood that i see, the pain i feel, emotional and physical, far away, yet near to heart, the wanting, and then the feeling, its numb and hazy, all so crystal clear, at home, and at a place i dont know, in my own mind, it seems so unknown.

mixed up, and unwanted, emotion and hurt, needing and not wanting, wanting and not needing, hidden pain, open the door, to see inside, and the smoke will clear.

Love Trust and Pixi Dust Amanda

Re: nothin to say nothin to feel
Posted by KAT on Mon Nov 5 00:21:08 2001 (#11603)

depressed - need to get out
Posted by Erin on Sun Nov 4 22:16:34 2001 (#11598)

really wish I could get out of here...can't though. *sighs* I just want to get away from my mom. I dont have anywhere to go though. god...she makes me feel like shit and I get depressed and tear my skin up. she wants me to be perfect..and I'm nowhere near that..just can't take all this pressure from her. she tells me all this shit, that I'm selfish...everyone hates me..(including her)..I'm fat and ugly..I dont think about anything and I'm just a dumbass and plenty other things that make me feel like I dont deserve to live..good thing she dont know about my cutting...then she'd really lay it all on me. *sighs* I dont know why but she gets to me so damn much..no one else does but her too. thats strange but thats how it is. everything she says to me, keeps spinning around in my head..I cant stop thinking about it no matter what I do. so even when I do get away from her...her words are stuck in my head and its like she's still there anyways. I can't get it to stop either...unless I cut myself. and I'm trying to stop but I can't do it. can't do anything right...

"When will people understand that words can cut as sharply as any blade and those cuts leave scars upon our souls?" I love that quote. it definantly tells the truth..

Re: depressed - need to get out
Posted by KAT on Mon Nov 5 00:24:32 2001 (#11604)

Parents are people too...and some people just dont how how to treat others or be sympathetic towards their needs. I sounds like your mother doesnt know how to be a mother, or maybe she doesnt know how to be the mother you want her to be. No child should have to endure that shit from anyone, I mean no one should. You know, just remember its not your fault what your mother says. Maybe shes mad about her own problems in life and needs someone to take it out on, someone she knows itll hurt so it stops hurting her. Just like you do, but only you do it to yourself by cutting. Im sorry she makes you feel so down, that reallysucks Hang in there girl...your a sweetie many*hugs* love-KAT

Re: depressed - need to get out
Posted by Erin on Mon Nov 5 00:54:33 2001 (#11606)

thanks kat. that means a lot

Re: depressed - need to get out
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Nov 5 01:48:55 2001 (#11614)

Erin, You are so right. The old saying, "sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me", is a big lie! I think words hurt worse cause bones heal after a while, but words can affect you life forever. I'm sorry you're having a bad time with your mom. Parents can be real jerks a lot of times. Just ask Tara. Please try to ignore the words, I know it's hard to. If you give in, then she's won and you start believing it yourself. Your not a dumbass!!!!!!! I'm always here if you want to talk. Just email me. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: depressed - need to get out
Posted by Erin on Mon Nov 5 02:17:11 2001 (#11619)

thanks rhonda...your right about that saying being a big lie. my mom doesnt beleive that though. (obviously) lol

Shit man...
Posted by KAT on Mon Nov 5 00:25:43 2001 (#11605)

They fuckin said I was crazy. I'll fuckin show them crazy.........ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im so pissed off.

Re: Shit man...
Posted by Maggie on Mon Nov 5 01:11:50 2001 (#11608)

Dear Kat,

Hope that I don't sound ignorant, but who said you are crazy? Crazy is a relative term anyway... Don't try to prove anything to people who don't know anything. You'll just convince them that they are right. Sorry you are frustrated... that's a horrible feeling. Hope you find a way to feel better, without being self-destructive.

Luv Maggie.

Re: Shit man...
Posted by KAT on Mon Nov 5 01:35:39 2001 (#11612)

Some of my "friends" that I hadnt seen since I left my old school b/c of my depression and when into the hospital. I know they are confused about it, but it just makes me feel like shit, they were making fun of me saying shit that realllly hurt my feelings. ugh, when people say shit like that it just makes me think maybe their right I mean who the fuck cuts themself!! shit...I dunno...Im sorry..Im just mad I hope no one takes anything as personal as I do. thanks for helping me out Maggie.
:) I appreciate it love KAT

Re: Shit man...
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Nov 5 01:51:22 2001 (#11615)

KAT, I know you're not crazy. Hope you don't believe them. You really care about people and you help by just saying nice things. Take care and stay strong. Love, Rhonda

They don't matter, but you do!
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 5 06:51:14 2001 (#11623)

Hey I'm sorry you feel like that, but my friend thought that I didn't cut anymore so she told me, "I'm glad you dont' cut anymore becuase that's disgusting." So I know where you are comign from. I was so pissed and it hurt so much because I am still cutting, but you are such a sweet girl so dont' listne to them. Friends can be so cruel sometimes, but try not to pay too much attention to them. You've helped me in the past (you know me, but under a different name.). Anyway but you are not crazy! You are a wonder girl and I love you!! Michelle

Re: thanks guys
Posted by KAT on Mon Nov 5 23:14:22 2001 (#11659)

Thanks a bunch, I love you guys, you help me so much more then I can say. Michelle, thanks!!! Love always -KAThryn

Question
Posted by Maggie on Mon Nov 5 01:08:03 2001 (#11607)

Question:

When you cut for the first time, had you heard of SI before, was it an instinctive thing that just happened, or did it start by an accidental cut that just seemed to help?

Re: Question
Posted by KAT on Mon Nov 5 01:30:59 2001 (#11609)

I had NEVER heard of SI or anyone hurting themself to feel better. I just started doing it out of nowhere and it made me feel soooooo much better, I was also under the influence at the time though.-KAT

Re: Question
Posted by the boy in the bubble on Mon Nov 5 01:34:44 2001 (#11610)

the first time i cut myself properley was after an argument with my mother. i had heard of si and people like richet edwards and kurt cobain and suchlike but i cut myself because i felt i needed branding i carved loser into my arm

Re: Question
Posted by the boy in the bubble on Mon Nov 5 01:34:54 2001 (#11611)

Re: Question
Posted by Erin on Mon Nov 5 02:13:09 2001 (#11618)

I had never heard of SI before when I cut for the first time...it was just an instinct when I did it.

Re: Question
Posted by ashley on Mon Nov 5 06:31:50 2001 (#11621)

the first time i cut myself, hmm, was the beginning of 7th grade, after some fight with my mom. i had heard of it before, but i had never known anyone who did it. the day after, a few of my friends at school saw them and showed me thiers too. i didnt even know what to think. now, everyone i know, save a lucky few, cut, or has cut, themselves.

Re: Question
Posted by kae on Mon Nov 5 09:40:49 2001 (#11624)

one of my friends started cutting her wrists when she was 13. so i did know about it, but i didnt understand it at all. when i did it for the first time, it was with the sharp end of a nail file and i scratched all down my face. it was ridiculous - i mean, ur face??? but the amount of comments i got made me feel like i was in control, that i had made something special that no one could take away from me. thats why i started cutting the rest of my body.

Re: Question
Posted by Erin on Tue Nov 6 01:48:11 2001 (#11669)

I was in 7th grade too when I first did it...but I never did it again till I was in 9th and thats when I couldnt stop..(i'm in 10th now)

Re: Question
Posted by jes on Mon Nov 5 13:46:24 2001 (#11626)

I don't really remember the firt time i cut. I used a blade froma pencil sharpener (hygienic, i know!), I know it was that cos i remember being in school and stuff and being sat there pretending to listen whilst cutting mysef under the table because i couldn't understand shit. i hadn't heard of it b4 though, I found out that it wasn'ty just me much later.

Re: Question
Posted by Jenny on Mon Nov 5 14:39:18 2001 (#11628)

I had heard of SI before, I read an article about a woman who did it then afew nights later after Mum and my step dad were arguing I got a razor and scraped it down my arms loadsa times, instantly I felt better and form that day onwards I cut! I woz a 2 bladed razor so it cuts were alful! Now I use a proper razor blade. And I thank the person who wrote the aticle coz she has practically saved my life coz with out SI i would be insane!

Re: Question
Posted by diana on Mon Nov 5 20:28:38 2001 (#11645)

there was an eposode on "7th heaven" about cutting(im sucha dork lol). n then my friend also told me how she did it n thought it was cool. thats when i started

Re: Question
Posted by JeSs on Mon Nov 5 20:45:05 2001 (#11646)

I was in the bath one night, and decided to slide the razor the wrong way along my arm. It was so calming. After that, whenever something went wrong in sports or with boys....I used a small Swiss Army knife instead of crying to express my pain. My scars tell a story. The deeper they are, the worse I was hurt. I still use the knife. I have never tried anything but. Hope that answers your question. Love, JeSs

Re: Question
Posted by ~~~ on Mon Nov 5 21:36:47 2001 (#11648)

I was depressed and just thought I'd see what it was like to try and slit my wrists. It was only a shallow cut and hardly bled, but that's where it all started.

Butterfly.

Re: Question
Posted by elle on Mon Nov 5 22:17:12 2001 (#11652)

Well, I had read an article in 17 magazine when i was in about 6th grade about a gymnast who was used to pain from doing gymnastics and then she cut cause she could deal with physical pain not emotional pain. then sometime much later i was in great distress from the physical abuse i was suffering and i would try to do anything to make myself feel stronger than HIM. i wanted to hurt me more than he could and i wanted to make myself disappear. so i started just hurting myself with whatever i could find.

so, yes. i did know about SI. but, in my head, what i was doing was not connected with my knowlege at all. It was not until last year in therapy that i even made a connection and remembered the article i had read. I had found last year that i had repressed so much of my life that i started going through journals with my dr and all the things i thought i had written as fiction, my parents said actually happened. so, even though i knew about SI, i did not know what i was doing was at all the same. the two did not connect in my head.

Re: Question
Posted by Alana on Tue Nov 6 04:10:02 2001 (#11676)

I had never heard about it when I started hurting myself - how could I have, I was 5! I didn't start out cutting, just beating the crap out of myself till I was black and blue and couldn't move anymore. I didn't know what I was doing, I did it and that was that. Even when I started cutting I didn't realize what it was. My friend mentioned SI to me when I told him, and I researched. It opened my eyes to who i really was.

So to answer you question, NO I didn't know what the hell it was and what the hell I was doing. I just did it.

Re: Question
Posted by jue on Tue Nov 6 07:50:30 2001 (#11678)

i don't remember a time in my life when i didn't bite myself or scratch, and i tried to cut myself many times with a dull knife. i watched a movie about a girl trying to slit her wrists with a razor and said it took forever to get through the skin and i remember thinking, wow. are you a wimp?, and i went home that night and pulled out a razor it kind of snowballed from there. i was aware of what it was.

Re: Question
Posted by Dawn on Tue Nov 6 09:55:05 2001 (#11681)

I'm the oldest, so this is going to be long (I know, what new!). To be honest the first time I wigged out and hurt myself, it just seemed the thing to do. I was going bar hopping and no one anywhere asked me to dance. So it upset me and on my way to another bar I just started beating myself in the head and screaming, "I am so FUCKED UP" People passing me would look at me like I was crazy out of my mind, which I was. The next day I had my saying put on a tshirt.

And that was the end of it, until 10 years later when I was going to a Babtist college and as part of my credits I volunteered at a youth detention center. One day, the Chaplin told me a girl that was coming that day was a cutter. I didn't know what he meant even after she came in with a bandage on her forearm, just below the bend of her elbow. To me I thought he meant she had attempted suicide, like my father had when I was 10.

2 years later my internal life was crumbling to pieces, My ex would let me call my children collect anymore and in anger I decided to kill myself and let him explain why to my kids. I ended up in the mental hospital and it was so horrible I swore I'd never go back, so when the thoughts and feelings were screaming at me to kill myself I tried many things to apease the feelings without actually killing myself. I beat the front part on my hand and wrist against the concrete block wall of my apartment. I boiled water and poured it down my arms, I slide knife and razor blades along my skin, but I'm a whip and not into pain and it stung like hell, so I kept trying different things, like the corner of the glass in picture frames, everything either hurt of was a waste of time, and just made me frustrated as all hell. Then I got out some scissors and started sniping until I got a deep wound and instantly I found relief. The pain was minimal and the affect was freedom immediately. It wasn't until that moment that what the Chalin at the detention center had said that I understood what "a cutter" meant. And it gave me pride to know that what I was doing had a name and that if "cutters" existed then I wasn't crazy, just in pain.

Now I have to say that up till now I have been reluctant to give any detail about my form of cutting. Because I do not want to encougage anyone to start cutting. But after reading the responses I see that you all have gone about finding a relief from your broken painful lives just like I have.

Whatever you do. please do it safe and remember that you are lovable even with your scars. I know because I love you :-)Dawn

Re: Question
Posted by Marie on Tue Nov 6 15:25:13 2001 (#11692)

The first time I cut I was around 10-11 and I had never heard of it... I started out by scratcing myslef with whatever was available and easily explainable... then when I was 15 I slit my left wrist (and have worn a watch ever since) and started cutting in earnest from then on (I'm 22 now)... so, no I hadn't heard of SI not until I was 20... I just thought I was sick or crazy...

Re: Question
Posted by erica on Thu Nov 8 08:00:41 2001 (#11741)

I don't remember the first time I injured myself. For as long as I remember I would get our cats(more often cats than dogs), to bite and scratch me. When we moved to a small hobby farm and got goats I got the goats to jump up on me, their hooves are nasty and sharp. When I moved from home I stopped for a while. I think I went a year or so. Then when things got too tough I started to use sharp objects. It wasn't until I got released from the Hospital earlier this year from an overdose that I started to use knives. I just remembered what a previous room mate had done, and did it.

Erica

So many
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 5 03:40:22 2001 (#11620)

There are so many things that are running through my head. So many things I want to say, but can't put into words... I'm more depressed now then ever... I think about sucide all the time. I feel like I need to cut, but sometimes it's almost as if God wants me to suffer more so He won't let me cut and get my pain out... I'm so afraid of people... My best friend is leaving me and I'll miss her so much, but she doesn't even know I care that much because I'm so scared of beign rejected and hurt again... I want to cry, but I won't let myself... There are times that I'll sit on my bed totally emotion less not saying a word or feeling anything, but I have tears streaming down my cheeks... I love people, but I make it seem as though I hate them because I'm afraid of what they'll do to me... I'm haunted every day my my dad sexually abusing me when I was little and now he comes up to me and and touches me and I'm so scared... It tortures me to think about how my dad physically hit me all the time for not being "perfect" ... I'm just so hurt, but I can't let anyone know... I must go for now

Re: So many
Posted by JeSs on Mon Nov 5 20:49:29 2001 (#11647)

I don't know what to say to make everything all right. I am not good with words like Kat, or Rhonda. However, you mean something to many people in this world, and you shouldn't have to feel this kind of pain. Let your best friend know how you feel. Don't hold back. I hope your day goes better. Love, Jess

Re: So many
Posted by KAT on Mon Nov 5 23:20:01 2001 (#11660)

Hey sweetheart. I know how you feel, It seems like I say that alot but I really honestly do. Its so much like my situation I really cant think of the right words to say b/c if I did then I'd be able to help myself, which I can not do right now. It seems like things are kinda crappy right now , huh? Your best friend leaving, that sux. Me and my best friend Left each other in a sence and I thought the world was over (other thinga happened too though). But I have a lot of great friends, I had to expand myself to new people and not be afraid. I know its hard and rejection hurts bad but it's kinda like one of those things you've gotta face and over come. But first of all you need to be happy with yourself, and when your happy with yourself things will fall together hopefully. Love always *many manyyyy hugs* -KAT
:)

the first time in 2 months....
Posted by ashley on Mon Nov 5 06:45:04 2001 (#11622)

i cut myself last night, the first time in quite awile, for someone like me. my mom noticed, asked me about it. i said that i needed to see if the the-rapist was working. i dont think it is at all, becos i found as much joy in it as ever. oh, what a disappointment i must be. luff, ashley

Re: the first time in 2 months....
Posted by KAT on Mon Nov 5 23:24:21 2001 (#11661)

Oh ashley, honey!! your not a disapointment in the least bit. Your amazing We all slip up and cut or do something else maybe smoke a cigarette after we've quit. It doesnt mean we have done anything wrong !! Its just that we got caught up in something and it happened. I hope youre okay, and I hope for your sake your mother is understanding about it. I get the picture that you dont like your therapist, maybe you should look for a nother one that fits you. I mean whats the sence of being with someone whos just not helping at all. good luck to you love KAT

Re: the first time in 2 months....
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Nov 6 02:51:04 2001 (#11674)

Ashley, In no way are you a disappiontment. Things happen that you have no control over. If the therapist you're with now isn't working, please try to get another one. I hope and pray that your mom is giving you support. That is so important. You can always email me if you have any questions. I'll be happy to try to help. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Thank You All some more
Posted by Dawn on Mon Nov 5 10:19:43 2001 (#11625)

My heart is full of gratitude for the warm thoughts.... I didn't think Gary's dying was that big of deal, because I didn't know him. But a few short months ago I was doing genealogy work on my father's side of the family, but gave up because the ones still living didn't want to be associating with me because I cut and do "crazy things" like buy and wear a burgandy with black highlights wig, or wear two different colored shoes just to see people'e reactions, or shave my head. It hurt that they rejected me without even meeting me. Especially when I was more like them than my mother's side of the family. I grew up feeling "different" and not understanding why. Its hard for kids with two families. My brother Ralph and I were the only children my father had. My mom had 3 girls when they married. They were and still are my sisters, but I was different from them. But not different from my father's people.

This is long, I know. Please bear with me. Gary, the cousin that just died, and his sister, Joyce were the children of an aunt who when she was around 18-20 was married to a man who was shot and killed along with one of my uncles at my Aunt Ruth's home. She was hyterical with grief, so her sister stepped in and took Gary and Joyce to stay with her until Ruth was better, but when Ruth went to pick up her kids, Marie, would not give them up. Distraught and broken hearted Aunt Ruth gave up custody because emotionally she could not fight her sister.

Pretty sad story, but it makes my life rosy in comparsion. Aunt Ruth passed away a happy woman. Matter of fact in the mid 90s we were talking on the phone about my having diabetes and asking if anyone on my father's side had it and she said she did, this just after her telling me she and one of her brothers had just killed of their 3rd box of chocolates. I responded," but I thought you said you have diabetes?" and she replied, "If I'm going to die I'm going to die happy." Those words told me I finally found my roots. Life turns me upside and down the other. My thinking gets on thoughts of suicide, of cutting, of drinking, of taking a medicine cocktail that will kick my but and send me to slumber land and hopefully when I wake up all my troubles will have magically disapeared. But that doesn't happen.

Last night after receiving news of Gary's death. I got a call from my younger daughter, who has obviously been drinking and was crying so much she pressed the wrong speed dial number and got me intstead of the wife of my ex-brother in law who had raped me just after my children's father (it is still hard for me to call him ex-husband...we were supposed to me married forever) N E way it took, Patti, a good 5 minutes before she realized she got me instead of her aunt who apparently resuces her a lot when my daughter's now ex fiance'looses his ass when he's drinking and becomes mean, especially to my 6 year old granddaughter, who has spent a week with me last summer. Now they've split up. I'm happy, and sad, Like all parents I want my children happy, and my grandchildren. I used to try to fix people. I've learned I cannot fix other people. I can only fix me, so I did not cut last night after she called.

There is a psycholigist team that wrote a book a number of years ago titled: "HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE" When it first came out I was deeply depressed and said NO WAY. There is absolutely no way I could just decide to not be depressed. But now I get it. I can be in utter despare. and yet choose to be happy in spite of it and both be true.

I am happy that I am not living the life my daughter is finding herself living. I am happy that I've finally crossed the line and made a choice to live and give up the idea that suicide is the only way out of distress. And even when I have flashbacks that make jello out of my mind and try to convince me that cutting will make everything in my life ok again, or will for the moment distract me from the flashbacks or the feelings that go with them....I've learned its not true. happiness, to me, is believing in a God who gave his one and only son to come to this earth with one mission.... to die on a cross and save the world form its sins. And believing that I have peace with God. And I think "where peace is hapiness will follow" Love and hugs... and a pat on the back for all you stuck it out and read the whole thing.Kudos

Re: Thank You All some more
Posted by DyingtoDie on Mon Nov 5 19:07:20 2001 (#11641)

You are an amazing women... Keeping pressing on and helping other over come the struggles that you once went through... Mich

Re: Thank You All some more
Posted by KAT on Mon Nov 5 23:29:57 2001 (#11662)

wow Dawn, things are sounding positive. Im glad. I did read the whole thing, I always find your things interesting. You sound like a pretty cool lady, I mean I've known you a while and I really like you as a person. Im glad to see your looking away from suicide instead of looking into it. good luck on that road to recovery and happyness. Love always-KAT

Re: Thank You All some more
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Nov 6 02:54:38 2001 (#11675)

I'm always here for you Dawn. Thank you for the wonderful card. I hope you're doing okay sis. Take care. Love ya, Rhonda

doctors
Posted by jes on Mon Nov 5 13:58:10 2001 (#11627)

ok, as soon as I've finished on here I'm gonna go get on a bus and make an appointment at the doctors. I'm shaking just thinking about it....how stupid is that? I'm scared he/she'll laugh at me or tell me they need to tell and adult or something like that. i dunno, how can you be scared of going to the doctors when it's ur own choice? I mean, i could just not go, but i want to, i don't wanna wait til it gets as abd as it was before. so i'm gonna go, I'll try to get one maybe later in the week to give me a chance to get myself together. wish me luck, love n hugs, jo xx

Re: doctors
Posted by Emm on Mon Nov 5 16:19:04 2001 (#11635)

OH BABE ,i'm sorry, i only just got on the net today,i so hope everything goes well hunney!! I love you, please stay safe love and kisses emm xxxx

Re: doctors
Posted by KAT on Mon Nov 5 23:31:39 2001 (#11663)

yeah, Im so happy for you!
:) Gooodd luck sweetie!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope everything works out wonderful. love -KAT PS. dont be scared your doing the right thing.

Re: doctors
Posted by Tara on Tue Nov 6 02:36:22 2001 (#11671)

Jes, I wish you much luck and I hope you find a good doctor. I'll be thinking about you. Take care and email if you want to. Love, Rhonda

P O W E R ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Posted by Jenny on Mon Nov 5 14:45:51 2001 (#11629)

Hiya everyone, So hows life for you all today? Its ok for me I get my braces off in a month!!!Ive had them for 2 1/2 yrs so u can c y im excited! I spoke to someone who really helped yesterday and she woz just a girl who woz on this board, shes a * Does cutting make anyone feel powerful? Its control thats keeps you going and the knowlegence that you can cut when things go bad, so heres to life and our savior CUTTING!

Re: P O W E R ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Posted by ~~~ on Mon Nov 5 21:49:10 2001 (#11650)

I guess it does kind of make me feel powerful. I think it's the way I can cut myself and 'feel pain' but it doesn't hurt... does that make sense? It gives you control over the pain.

Butterfly.

Re: P O W E R ....?
Posted by KAT on Mon Nov 5 23:35:04 2001 (#11664)

Hey ..woohoo..hooray on the braces. Ive had mine for almost 5 years and get them off in about 2 weeks so Im pretty excited too. Ive had them my entire teenage life, hehe. anyway..I dunno cutting doesnt give me power, It gives me more sadness but at the same time relief . I wonder if the power you feel is the adrenaline rush that happens when your skin is being tore open and blood is coming out onto your skin. Bright red blood. Power is a funny word, it reminds me of something good but I dont associate cutting with being good. I dunno hun, hang in there okay love -KAT

what is a bus list?
Posted by Jenny on Mon Nov 5 15:13:57 2001 (#11630)

I keep hearing this bus list thing what is it?

Re: what is a bus list?
Posted by elle on Mon Nov 5 22:03:42 2001 (#11651)

Its a webring. bus=bodies under seige

E L L I E
Posted by Jenny on Tue Nov 6 12:39:00 2001 (#11684)

Ho do I get on it?

Re: E L L I E
Posted by kae on Wed Nov 7 09:18:14 2001 (#11725)

hey jen

i go on the buslist sometimes. its just a chatroom for fellow SIers. the addy is www.buslist.org/chattest.html. you have to read the guidelines before you enter. its fun - you meet lots of interesting ppl there.

try it!

luv 'n hugz, kae

what have i done????
Posted by jes on Mon Nov 5 15:23:35 2001 (#11631)

ok, so i went to the doctors, but before i went i was soo nervous. So idecided it was a good idea to cut (silly me). So I went into the doctors, with my left arm tightly tucked into my sleeve, trying to hide the blood steadily making it's way down to my fingertips, and the conversation went someting like this- me- i umm *clears throat*, can i umm...*coughs*...i mean, i want to, umm. receptionist- yes? m- can i, umm, could i make an appointment? please? r- yes, infact someone just cancelled, if you can wait for ten minutes, you can go straight through. m- NO! i mean, no, ummm, sorry, i have to be somewhere ( i didn't think it good idea to go in with blood making a break for it down my arm). ummm, is there another oe some other time? please? r-yes, tomorrow, 10:15? m-yeah, ok. and tha was it, apart from giving details n wotnot. I mean, if i was that bad just talking to the bloody receptionist, what am i gonna be like tomorrow, with the doctor? why am i so scared? maybe it's the whole admitting i have a pronblem thing. I dunno, I just know that I'm shit scared. love n hugs xx

Re: what have i done????
Posted by Emm on Mon Nov 5 16:21:46 2001 (#11636)

awwwww baby,i'm so roud of you, who cares what the stupid fucking receptionist thinks hun,you've taken a step, thats all that matter!! WOW, I'M SO PROUD BABE!!! i really hope it goes well, even if itdoesnt, its a step yeah. Let me know what happens hun Love you always Emm xxx

Re: what have i done????
Posted by Emm on Mon Nov 5 17:59:32 2001 (#11640)

LOL, Sorry babe my spelling is awful!!! xx

Re: what have i done????
Posted by Amanda on Mon Nov 5 19:42:21 2001 (#11644)

admiting to someone that you have a problem, but you have done the hardest thing already, you have admitted it to yourself. thats the worst bit. it all gets easier from there. good luck with the doctor, i hope you do ok.

love trust and pixi dust, Amanda

Re: what have i done????
Posted by ~~~ on Mon Nov 5 21:40:49 2001 (#11649)

You have a lot of courage to do that, and I think many people get scared when they go to the doctors. I'm too scared to go :(

anyway, Good Luck for tomorrow :)

Butterfly.

Re: what have i done????
Posted by ashley on Mon Nov 5 22:59:14 2001 (#11655)

wow, darling, that certainly is the hardest part. im glad that you had the courage to do what you did, and i pray that everything will go ok when you do see the doctor. it definetly wont be easy, or enjoyable, but, you had the balls to go in there, and thats what really counts! luff, ashley

Re: what have i done????
Posted by KAT on Mon Nov 5 23:38:48 2001 (#11665)

the first time I ever went to see a doctor about all this shit was not my choice. So of course I cut a shit load b/c I was pissed at my parents for making me go and then I wore a big sweater in the dead of summer..duh!! Im dumb. anyway..I mean yeah I was scared but After I finally was ready to admit I needed to stop cutting and I got a therapist I like ALOT. I felt comfortable. Things like this are like the first day of school, it makes us have butterflies in our stomach but after a while we get familiar and everything for the most part goes smoothly. good luck w/ your appointment, love you much-KAT

thank-you all
Posted by jes on Tue Nov 6 13:05:47 2001 (#11687)

hey, so i went, and i didn't know what to say so i just kinda pulled my sleeve up and said, 'that's the problem'. the doc asked me a bunch of questions, which i, being the good lil girl i am, answered. So now i have to wait for my referal to this psychiatric hospital place for young ppl, but he's not even sure if i can go there cos he doesnt know the age limit (i'm 17) so if i can't go there, i have to go to the adult one. he says it'll take about 2/3 weeks. I'm obviously not as mental as i thought then ! lol. thank-you for ur support, it helps a lot. take care, love n hugs, jo xx

JO ARE YOU ON BABES??
Posted by Emm on Mon Nov 5 16:23:49 2001 (#11637)

I'M thick, didnt notice the times and whatever, are you still on te net hunney??? xxxx

Re: JO ARE YOU ON BABES??
Posted by jo on Tue Nov 6 13:07:27 2001 (#11688)

umm, no, i was at home. talk l8ter. xx

count to six and die....
Posted by Emma on Mon Nov 5 16:44:01 2001 (#11638)

Count to Six and Die (the Vacum of Infinite Space Encompassing) she's got her eyes open wide, she's got the dirt and spit of the world her mouth on the metal, the lips of a scared little girl i've got an angel in the lobby, he's waiting to put me in line i won't ask forgiveness, my faith has gone dry

she's got her christian prescriptures and death has crawled in her ear like elevator music of songs that she shouldn't hear

and it spins around, 1, 2, 3 and we all lay down, 4, 5, 6 some do it fast, some do it better in smaller amounts

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxx

Re: count to six and die....
Posted by ashley on Mon Nov 5 23:06:07 2001 (#11658)

marilyn manson, right? :)

Re: count to six and die....
Posted by Emma on Wed Nov 7 11:12:55 2001 (#11728)

yeah:) I love the song!! :) xx

me again...
Posted by Emma on Mon Nov 5 16:45:02 2001 (#11639)

The Nobodies today i am dirty, i want to be pretty, tomorrow, i know i'm just dirt today i am dirty, i want to be pretty, tomorrow, i know i'm just dirt we are the nobodies, we wanna be somebodies when we're dead they'll know just who we are we are the nobodies, we wanna be somebodies when we're dead they'll know just who we are

yesterday i was dirty, wanted to be pretty, i know now that i'm forever dirt yesterday i was dirty, wanted to be pretty, i know now that i'm forever dirt

we are the nobodies, we wanna be somebodies when we're dead they'll know just who we are we are the nobodies, we wanna be somebodies when we're dead they'll know just who we are

some children died the other day, we fed machines and then we prayed puked up and down in morbid faith, you should have seen the ratings that day

Re: me again...
Posted by KAT on Mon Nov 5 23:40:35 2001 (#11666)

Hi Emma....I was wondering, who wrote that? Its interesting.

Re: me again...
Posted by ~~~ on Tue Nov 6 00:06:03 2001 (#11668)

It's by Marilyn Manson.

Butterfly.

Re: me again...
Posted by emma on Wed Nov 7 11:15:27 2001 (#11729)

yeah, marilyn manson..i just think the lyrics are really good,meaningful. :) xx

sometimes it hurts.
Posted by Pippa on Mon Nov 5 22:32:38 2001 (#11654)

Hi my Names Pippa im not really sure what to say im never honest about cutting myself. i know why i do it but no one else understands. i feel so alone and scared cutting is my only release does any one know what i mean????????

Re: sometimes it hurts.
Posted by ~~~ on Mon Nov 5 23:02:15 2001 (#11656)

Hello Pippa :)

You're certainly not alone, there's rather a lot of us here who cut for many different reasons. I'm sure they'll be someone here who can relate to the reasons behind your cutting. And I do know what you mean about cutting being your only release.

Love, Butterfly.

Re: sometimes it hurts.
Posted by ashley on Mon Nov 5 23:03:49 2001 (#11657)

im glad you found this place, its helped me quite a bit. i, along with most everyone here, knows how you feel, and will listen without judgement, or misundertstanding. i hope this place helps you as much as its helped me! luff, ashley

Re: sometimes it hurts.
Posted by KAT on Mon Nov 5 23:42:12 2001 (#11667)

I Terribly understand what your saying. Cutting used to be my best friend/ worst enemy/ medicine/ reason to live. Its horrible how much of your life cutting can consume.......so YOUR not alone. but hang in there and be careful take care hun, Love KAT

Re: sometimes it hurts.
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Nov 6 02:43:49 2001 (#11672)

Hi Pippa, Welcome to the board. This is a good place to come because there are people who will understand how you feel. I myself don't cut, but I come here in support of all my "kids", younger and older. If you ever want to talk, just email me. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: sometimes it hurts.
Posted by kae on Tue Nov 6 09:46:48 2001 (#11680)

hey girl.....its great u've found this board. i hope u post heaps - we do!! as u'll notice there are lots of regulars and a few on-offs. come join us....it helps to vent.

hope to hear from ya soon

luv 'n hugz, kae

Women who hurt themselves
Posted by KAT on Tue Nov 6 02:29:36 2001 (#11670)

Hi, I bought this book a long time ago called WOMEN who hurt themselves, a book of hope and understanding by Dusty Miller. Here's what the first page says, (I love it).

"Imagine a long, black marble wall, inscribed with names, reaching far into the distance. Imagine a quilt, covered with names and images of loved ones who have died, stretching over acres of land. But instead of war casualties and AIDS victims, the names on this wall and this quilt are those of women who died by their own hand. They died from alcoholism, drug addiction, anorexia, bulimia, excessive dieting, self inflicted burns and slashing, and a hundred other ways of harming one's own body. These are women who killed themselves, yet they could be considered murder victims. In childhood they suffered sexual abuse, physical abuse, neglect, or psychological terrorism. Thier names would stretch for hundreds of miles if inscribed on a memorial wall or stitched on a memorial quilt. These women are not remember as brave victims on a war of epidemic illness, but they should be. Instead they are often blamed for their deaths because the fatal wounds were inflicted by their own hand. These wounds however were a direct consequence of earlier injuries inflicted by parents, grandparents, or other primary caretakers, injuries that never healed and proved deadly..."

Sorry I know this was very very long, it was only the first page but I thought it described alot of us very well and Hopefully we can understand that this shit isnt our faults. and We can heal. take care all lots of love-KAT

Re: Women who hurt themselves
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Nov 6 02:46:29 2001 (#11673)

That sounds like a very interesting book. I think I'll go to the library tomorrow and see if I can check it out. Thanks for the info,KAT. Hope you're doing okay. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: Women who hurt themselves
Posted by DyingtoDie on Tue Nov 6 21:58:33 2001 (#11698)

Thanks Kat.... Michelle

Eating Disorders
Posted by _ on Tue Nov 6 04:26:47 2001 (#11677)

How can I make myself throw up? PLEASE only answers.

Re: Eating Disorders
Posted by kae on Tue Nov 6 10:39:16 2001 (#11682)

do you really expect people to give you advice on how to develop bulimia? why are you asking this on a self-injury board? this board is here to HELP people deal with their pain, not to give advice on how to inflict more. stay on here for a while....tell us about yourself, at least see if we can help. thats what we do on here.....HELP each other.

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: Eating Disorders
Posted by diana on Tue Nov 6 22:20:47 2001 (#11703)

i am bulimic.. believe me-u don't want to become it. i was bulimic all last year, and somehow i managed to overcome it. But now it is back in my system n i can't stop. So just don't bother learning how, it will just make u'r life more of a living hell.

you dont know...
Posted by _ on Tue Nov 6 23:31:41 2001 (#11709)

you don't know what it's like to be fat and young at the same time.
:(

I know exactly
Posted by the boy in the bubble on Wed Nov 7 00:07:45 2001 (#11711)

i know exactly whats it's like to be young and fat i was at school and i was in college and in uni. Diana is right. it would fuck your head up a lot and you don't need that

have fun and stay beautiful

if you're scared to die you'd better not be scared to live

i know...
Posted by sara on Thu Nov 8 01:50:04 2001 (#11736)

yes, i do know how it "feels" to be fat and ugly. its what i feel, if that even is a feeling...i think of it more as a demon...it haunts me everyday. i am anorexic but i purgue alot...especially when i haven't eaten and taken too many weight loss pills. trust me, don't go down that road. email me if you want. i love to talk :-)

don't give up...we are all who we are inside, that makes us who we are...not the outside, but the inside.

sara

in relation to...
Posted by jue on Tue Nov 6 07:56:40 2001 (#11679)

i was reading all the answers to Maggie's question above and was noticing how many of us got the idea from somewhere other than ourselves. maybe we always had the craving in us but often there was a push in the direction of cutting...ie article, friend, etc. i think it is important to raise awareness but does anyone think that maybe it is potentially damaging to younger kids. i think that sometimes it may be almost contagious...my friend started cutting after she found out about me and sometimes i seriously wonder if maybe i should have never told her. What Does Everyone Else Think???????

Re: in relation to...
Posted by kae on Tue Nov 6 10:49:50 2001 (#11683)

OMIGOD! i totally know what you mean. my best friend found out about my cutting when i started, although it was just minor at the time. this year she suffered rape....and she turned to cutting. im sure it at least had something to do with knowing i did it....and that another girl in our group had done it a long time before.

cutting is a trigger. you hear about cutting - naturally, u want to try it out. then it becomes addictive....and it spreads. its more like a disease - contagious and deadly.

posting on this psyke board is also a trigger sometimes. i remember when some girl posted on here, asking about salt. when we all told not to ask triggering stuf like that she posted back saying that salt was next on her list of things to do when she cut herself. i dont know about anyone else....but i couldnt get it out of my mind and i had to try it. ive tried other things that have been mentioned in posts.....i dont mean to, i dont read them and think "hey that sounds cool, i wanna do that". its just that the next time i start cutting, the new ideas take over and its as if i had done them all along.

that sounds fucked up. well its me being honest, and if its fucked up, then so am i.

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: in relation to...
Posted by jes on Tue Nov 6 13:27:04 2001 (#11689)

hey,

I know what you mean, although i can't say that i personaly started cutting because of other influences because i didn't knw about it, I sometimes think that it's kinda like drugs. Looking from the 'outside', you see it as a bad thing, soemthing you would NEVER try, it'll destroy your life, then you get in a situation where you think tha trying it just the once may help, i mean, it's only once, isn't it?? but that's the problem, once you start to think tht it's helping you, and that it's make you feel better, you can't give it up, you don't want to lose the one comfort you have. so yeah, that's what i think, it's just another addiction, a drug. sorry that went on for a bit. love n hugs, jes xx

Re: in relation to...
Posted by DyingtoDie on Tue Nov 6 22:05:56 2001 (#11699)

I see what you are saying about how we got it from others. The first tiem I ever heard of it was on a show and I was just amazed why people were so mean to her. But anyway that has nothing to do with anything, but yes just the other day I found out about a friend of mine cut... She knows that I have been cutting for almost a year now and I can't help but think that I had some part in it... Oh well take care. Michelle

Re: in relation to...
Posted by ashley on Wed Nov 7 07:54:13 2001 (#11721)

yeah,, i sometimes think i got my best friend/so close i consider her my sister, to start cutting herself. i moved in with her last december, i was cutting myself, and she started. her dad found out and blamed it on me. its funny. i know her almost better than she knows herself, yet i still dont know why she started doing this to herself. another thing about it is, she was this preppy girl at skool, and i was the most outcasted, 'freaksih' kid there. yet were still best friends. all my love, ashley

true true
Posted by diana on Fri Nov 9 05:02:21 2001 (#11755)

..i started cutting after i found out that my friend did... so to me i agree w. u

I PROMMISED
Posted by Jenny on Tue Nov 6 14:11:05 2001 (#11690)

I prommised my self abouy a week ago that I wozn't goiung to cut for a long time unless there woz a propper reason. But I have. I dont know what came over me. I woz in bed last night and I just had this urge to do it so I did then I thought about what I had done and I didnt care I woz pain free and really relaxed. I have tried not to cut for ages but keep failing now Iam a failure to everyone coz I said I wouldnt. Im just a disaster case and Ive fallen back into the cycle of cutting.

Re: I PROMMISED
Posted by Marie on Tue Nov 6 15:16:33 2001 (#11691)

I have broken that same promise to myself and others countless times... it is devastating to anyone to measure success or failure by cutting or not cutting, what really matters is that you get back up and keep trying to not cut... keep promising, even if you have to break it a hundred times... maybe the hundred and first time you'll be able to keep it...

Re: I PROMMISED
Posted by kae on Wed Nov 7 09:09:26 2001 (#11722)

hey jen....you're not a failure. nobody who lives on earth is a failure. you have to keep trying - nothing is ever easy to break. one day, you'll make it. and you'll wonder how you could ever subject yourself to this miserable world of slicin' and dicin'.

luv 'n hugz, kae

Fucking Bastard...
Posted by Marie on Tue Nov 6 16:54:55 2001 (#11693)

This is going to be kinda long... sorry

There is an older man on campus who has been talking to me (he's about 45-55 and I'm only 22) He seems nice, just like a lonely guy and I didn't see any harm in talking to him. We would just sit and chat about everything form French to farming. I have never felt uncomfortable with him until Thursday. I can't explain why I was uncomfortable, but I was. He did little things that made me uneasy. He sat closer to me than usual, he commented on my appearance, he touched me (on the face). I was very uneasy... he asked me to go to the theater with him on Sunday and I said I might... (I don't know how to say no... especially to an older male... I've had my role of a submissive, obediant female beaten in to me.. literally) He was kinda pushy about us taking my car since he doesn't drive (no explanation given as to why)... Once I said I would go I felt trapped into going and even when he changed plans I didn't feel like I could back (he 'suddenly' remembered a prior engagement that would mean he would have to call me later to finalize plans) So I gave him my number... I was worried about the whole thing so I called my boyfriend for advice... I told him that I didn't want to go, but I didn't want to be not going just because of the shit I've been through in my past with men... I didn't want to be suspicious of this man just because I've had bad experiances with other men... so My boyfriend told me that if I was determined to go that I should take someone along with me... We agreed that that was what I should do and how he reacts to that will tell me what his intentions are...

The man (Tom) called me Friday to finalize plans and when I told him that someone would be with me if that was alright with him he was furious... he yelled that, no, it was not alright with him and that he "guessed he'd see me later on campus" and he hung up on me... Now I'm scared to walk around campus because I'm afraid of seeing him...

What I really hate about the whole thing is that I feel bad for making him angry and all I want to do is cut the badness out of me... what's wrong with me... what did I do for this man to single me out... why do I have to be afraid all the time????? I'm too young to be this tired .... do you ever feel that way? Much too old for your actual age?

-Marie

Re: Fucking Bastard...
Posted by DyingtoDie on Tue Nov 6 22:12:02 2001 (#11700)

I'm sorry about the whole thing with that guy... Guys can be real jerks, but don't pay attention to them... You don't deserve that no one does... I myself have had many problems with men and I'm very afraid of men so I know where you are coming from. But you did the right thing with getting someone else to go with you. It probably saved you from a lot of grief.. Take care of yourself... Love Michelle

Re: Fucking Bastard...
Posted by Dawn on Wed Nov 7 09:11:11 2001 (#11723)

Marie, I'm very proud of you for not letting this guy carry out his plans. From the information you shared with us this guy fits the definition of a predatator, and his reaction seems to confirm it.

I know from experience that we need to trust our gut responses. They are, what is that number today, I think it says our instincts are about 98% accurate every time.

You sound like me, raised to trust and respond compliantly when someone older than you asks you to do something.

I cannot tell you what to do, but if it were me, I'd report him to campus security. he may have already pulled this on someone else, or be in the process of winning their trust,( its called GROOMING) his next victim. Again, kudos for the courage you mustered up to protect yourself. I'm proud of you! :-)Dawn

Re: Fucking Bastard...
Posted by kae on Wed Nov 7 09:14:35 2001 (#11724)

hey hun.

this guy isnt worth your pain. why should he be? hes not a friend. hes turned weird on you. if you see him on campus, let him know whos boss - YOU. you may be younger, but you have the power to report him if he tries anything. i mean, fuckn hell, this guy sounds like a dirty old pervert.

hope you're alright

take care

luv 'n hugz, kae

new with problems.
Posted by sarah on Tue Nov 6 19:40:04 2001 (#11694)

Hi everyone. i am new here today and it seems like such a good idea to have a place to support and help each other. i have been cutting for about a year now. it was ok over the summer, i only cut twice but now i am back at uni its as bad as it was before i went home. and now a friend asked me tonight if i had cut recently and i said ys, so she said that she was going to tell my parents. and she went and phoned them. i just feel so let down. as if she thinks that thretening things like that is going to make me stop cutting. all it is going to do is make me not tell anyone and hide it away even more. i just cant trust her. anyway thats my story so far. hope to hear from you soon sarah x

Welcome Sarah
Posted by Marie on Tue Nov 6 21:27:32 2001 (#11697)

I'm glad you came here to the board... it is a good place for support and advice or to just vent adn get rid of all the negative feelings... (hug) -Marie

Re: new with problems.
Posted by DyingtoDie on Tue Nov 6 22:15:49 2001 (#11701)

I'm sorry that your friend told your parents... AHHHH I hated it when someone told my partents. But you should still tell other people, but make sure it is someone you can trust. Take care... Michelle

Re: new with problems.
Posted by ashley on Wed Nov 7 04:49:41 2001 (#11719)

welcome Sarah, i hope you find this place as helpful and comforting as i did. im sure youve heard this before, but i know just how you feel. when a 'friend' stabs you in the back like that, theres hardly a thing worse. the way i see it, if someone is going to do something like that to you, they arent worth your time, (even if you think your not worthy of anything). yet i always start out feeling like im the bad person. things will get better, its true, and ive had just about everyone in the world stab me in the back! all my love, ashley

it makes me feel good and bad!
Posted by pippa on Tue Nov 6 20:32:35 2001 (#11695)

First of all i wana say thanx to everyone who msged me back yesturday! there are alot of reasons why i cut myself but i suppose the main one is anger, not at anyone else, or anything else but at me! im angry because the way i let people treat me, and how fuckin sorri 4 myself i feel. do you feel the same????? love xpippax

Re: it makes me feel good and bad!
Posted by marie on Tue Nov 6 21:25:33 2001 (#11696)

I don't really get angry... in a way it's one of the reasons I cut... because I'm never angry, but I turn all the negative feelings inward, and hate myself instead of getting it out of my system... I have 'pitty me' days, but I think everyone has days like that once in a while...

Re: it makes me feel good and bad!
Posted by DyingtoDie on Tue Nov 6 22:19:12 2001 (#11702)

Most of the time I cut because I'm angry at myself also. I mean yes there are many times that I cut because of my father, but it's more because of my reactions and hatred toward him that I cut... Oh well Take care... Michelle

Re: it makes me feel good and bad!
Posted by ashley on Wed Nov 7 04:41:46 2001 (#11717)

pippa, i love that name! yes, i know all to well how you feel, and i also hope that now you dont feel so alone. anger is such a bitch! ive got so much anger inside of me im suprised i havent exploded. yet im managing to go about things fairly well, and i hope you can do the same. all my love, ashley

A poem I wrote....lemme know what you think
Posted by JeSs on Tue Nov 6 22:42:41 2001 (#11704)

She's so pretty, they say.... so perfect Bright smile, long blonde hair But no one sees the pain beneath Her dull, dispassioned stare Her life is, in a word ....wonderful Not much can go wrong But no one hears the sadness When she sings her favorite song She drums her fingers on her desk Leisurely closes her eyes Hums the tune so familiar Just wishing that she could cry Her fairy tale has some missing pages Some parts that just don't rhyme Yet she lets them be deceived Leads them to think she's fine They look away when they see her scars Refuse to take it in Not wanting to believe this pretty girl Could take a razor to her soft skin Now and then her pain gets to be too much For her to hold her head up high And she's got too much pride behind that smile To let them see her cry So she lives on, her seamless life Behind a smile as bright as a star Hoping that one day someone Will love her with all of their heart

Re: A poem I wrote....lemme know what you think
Posted by DyingtoDie on Tue Nov 6 22:54:20 2001 (#11706)

I like it alot... It probably descirbes most of us who hide behind some kind wall of deception. But yes it's very good thanks for sharing. Take care... Michelle

Re: A poem I wrote....lemme know what you think
Posted by ashley on Wed Nov 7 04:44:24 2001 (#11718)

wow, thats perfect. it sounds like it was written just for me. every one tells me im so beautiful and shit, but i always wonder if they would still think the same once they KNEW. all my love, ashley

Re: A poem I wrote....lemme know what you think
Posted by kae on Wed Nov 7 09:24:05 2001 (#11726)

i like it. i can totally relate to it.

My poem...
Posted by DyingtoDie on Tue Nov 6 22:50:53 2001 (#11705)

I don't have a title for this poem yet but I just wrote it today so it still needs much revising. But tell me what you think. I'd love to hear ways on how to improve it or if it is totally stupid and I should just throw it away...

My heart is like a furance of pain

Spewing out emotions which can't be explained.

My soul burns in the eternal heat

Searching for the me that I will never meet.

I yearn for my very being to be released

From this hell of life which offers no peace.

Yes the peom is very short, but hopefully I'll be able to add some more. Thanks for reading... Michelle

Re: My poem...
Posted by ashley on Wed Nov 7 04:23:36 2001 (#11713)

i like it alot, sounds alot like some of the stuff i write, but way better! luff, ashley

My fav song
Posted by DyingtoDie on Tue Nov 6 23:08:31 2001 (#11707)

I close my eyes when I get too sad I think thoughts that I know are bad Close my eyes and I count to ten Hope it's over when I open them

I want the things that I had before Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door I wish I could count to ten Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad Will figure out why they get so mad Hear them scream, I hear them fight They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed And I dream of angels who make me smile I feel better when I hear them say Everything will be wonderful someday

I go to school and I run and play. I tell the kids that it's all okay. I laugh aloud so my friends won't know When the bell rings I just dont' wanna go.

Promises mean everything when you're little and the world is so big. I just don't understand how you can smile with all those tears in your eyes adn tell me everything is wonderful now. Everclear: Wonderful

Awww I love this song so much because I realte to almost all of it... Michelle Everclear: Wonderful

Re: My fav song
Posted by ashley on Wed Nov 7 04:33:22 2001 (#11715)

i love that song as well, have you heard 'so much for the afterglow'? thats such a good cd. luff, ashley

Re: My fav song
Posted by kae on Wed Nov 7 09:29:45 2001 (#11727)

I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH!!!!! i cant believe someone else does as well!!! none of my friends did!

have u seen the video for it?? its soooooooo cool!!!!

Re: My fav song
Posted by jes on Wed Nov 7 12:43:14 2001 (#11730)

I've never heard it but i really like the lyrics, xx

Maybe...
Posted by KAT on Tue Nov 6 23:29:31 2001 (#11708)

My whole world has shattered(again). I know it's not the end of the world b/c Ive been through all this fuckied up shit before, but Im reallly sad and Im just really..I dunno..confused. I cut before school this morning...bad bad bad! I cut during lungh today, damnit I might not be here for a while b/c I am to sad to get my lazy ass out of my bed. I might be here to see how you are all doing. take care of yourself for me. LOVE ALWAYS-KAT

Re: Maybe...
Posted by DyingtoDie on Tue Nov 6 23:52:49 2001 (#11710)

I wish you the best of luck... It may not be much but I care about you alot and I wish you didn't have to go through any of this... Plese take care of yourself... Don't be sad so many people care about you. We all need you so much... Love Always... Michelle

Re: Maybe...
Posted by ashley on Wed Nov 7 04:37:53 2001 (#11716)

i really hope you come through this (whatever this may be) alright, and feel bettervery soon. i havent been posting here very much, but youve answered just about all of my posts, and helped me alot too. i hope your ok, all my love, ashley

Re: Maybe...
Posted by jes on Wed Nov 7 12:46:58 2001 (#11731)

I'm sorry your feeling so shit at the mo' hun, but like you've told so many of us here, if you do cut again, it's not the end of the world and you haven't faied, you jst have to get back up when you're ready and start again. hope you feel better soon, take care, love n hugs, jo xx

my friend
Posted by ej on Wed Nov 7 02:30:47 2001 (#11712)

My friend keeps cutting herself on the wrist. Very few of us know about it. I've known for a while. Another one of our close friends just found out yesterday. When anyone asks about the mark she blames the cat. The stupid thing is people believe her. One of the teachers knoticed the marks and he knows the truth. How can I help her? I'm not sure what to do. I'm anorexic and it's like everything she says I understand. I guess that's why we're such good friends. She does it for the same reason I peirge. She says she'll stop because I'm trying to quit. But don't think she can. What can I say to her. Please I need help. e-mail me at ejmusick_83@yahoo.com I'm more likely to get it there. I don't want my parents to know I'm on this kind of site. My dad would think it's about me. Thanks Eva

a new poem
Posted by ashley on Wed Nov 7 04:31:11 2001 (#11714)

ok i just wroet this last night, it needs a bit mor work, but tell me what ya think, ok?!

i feel so ugly,

i think you should know,

agonizingly beautiful,

undeniably free,

i think you live on my essence, my pain,

what is this sparkling madness?

dont drop your eyes anymore,

infect me with your own weakness,

winding down the psycho path,

cherry scented, yet blue,

i never wanted this life to end,

my dreams, or yours, scare me so,

the acid drops of jupiter,

makes the dreams go bad,

just because you touch me,

with your automatic scar,

i hate you more than ever now,

i want you more and more,

devour me with your sin,

i want to feel you til my nerves go numb,

dip your finger in my lust,

write it out for god to need.

like i said, it needs work, but thanx for reading it! luff, ashley

Re: a new poem
Posted by kt on Wed Nov 7 22:41:19 2001 (#11734)

wow, i wish i could write like that with such emotion and passion. thanks for letting me read it!

~kt

this is a real problem
Posted by ashley on Wed Nov 7 07:06:37 2001 (#11720)

my mom. she makes me want to cut myself til the blood comes out in motherfucking spurts. i hate her so much sometimes. i know she likes my brother and sisters better than me, and she resents me becos my dad liked me better. she purposely just does things to make me mad, and blames it all on me. but i dont know what to do, ya know. shes depressed as well, and just tonight she was telling me i was pissing her off for being hyper, and then i said oh but its ok for cody (my brother) to be like that, then she goes oh well how abot i just go and kill myself and then you guys can stay here and live with yer dad,(who just moved back in w/ us last week, after 4 years) and now i know, i fcuking know im going to go back where i was a year ago, and i hate it. please, if you can, help. all my love, ashley

Re: this is a real problem
Posted by sara on Thu Nov 8 01:54:58 2001 (#11738)

yes i would say it is a problem. but you can't let your mother get to you. but i know how it feels to have parents like that, mine put so much pressure on me to be one thing and none on my little brother. i don't understand how its not ok to get an a- but my brother to get a c and be praised. but have you told your mother that? i mean, i cannot talk to my mother about it b/c i think that it would cause more problems and college is just a few weeks away, i'm graduating mid year, so i'm going to school. but seriously, maybe go through a guidance counsler or teacher or some adult who can mediate it. i think that you guys should talk about what your mother causes...maybe not the cutting but the actions. i hope this helps! good luck, email me anytime :-)

sara

Re: this is a real problem
Posted by sara on Thu Nov 8 01:55:09 2001 (#11739)

yes i would say it is a problem. but you can't let your mother get to you. but i know how it feels to have parents like that, mine put so much pressure on me to be one thing and none on my little brother. i don't understand how its not ok to get an a- but my brother to get a c and be praised. but have you told your mother that? i mean, i cannot talk to my mother about it b/c i think that it would cause more problems and college is just a few weeks away, i'm graduating mid year, so i'm going to school. but seriously, maybe go through a guidance counsler or teacher or some adult who can mediate it. i think that you guys should talk about what your mother causes...maybe not the cutting but the words. i hope this helps! good luck, email me anytime :-)

sara

it's started
Posted by jes on Wed Nov 7 13:15:31 2001 (#11732)

this may be long, sorry....

right, so my grandparents have been gone about a week and things were going ok with my dad....'til yesterday.

I've been feeling pretty shit (but not as bad as i have done b4) which was why i went to the doctors.

Because of how i feel, i've been spending all my time in my room reading, like, all day. He comes into my room and start going on about how lazy i am and how i need to get my life sorted and get a job. He jus asks the same questions everytime and i give the same answers and get the same responses (usually, along the lines of 'you're talking crap') I try to ignore him, or agree but it doesnt work, so i've started to argue back, i mean, there's only so much i can out up with before i have to say something.

a couple of months ago, i turned vegetarian (for the simple reason that i was eating chicken and felt guilty and the thought of eating dead things suddenly mad eme feel sick), he says he ha no probem wiht that, he even eats the meals, bt he says that i sudddenly turn round and tell the world that i'm vegetarian (which is bollocks by the way) and i'm not doing anything about it since. now, maybe i'm just incomprehensibly stupid, but i can't think of anything i SHOULD be doing about it? when i ate meat i never went out and bought books to find new, interesting things to eat , so ehy should i now? when i ate meat i never sat thinking what i should eat to give me better nutrition, so why should i now? before, i never went up to him and said 'ooh, daddy, i REALLY fancy eating ______ tonight' i ahve always been useless when it comes to food, if it's there, i like it and it's edible, i eat it, what's so hard about that? why all of a sudden do i have to do all of these things when i am doing exactly as i was b4but without the meat? i really don't understand, maybe it's just another thing to get at me about.

he said that i'm not getting anything from life, that i'm not trying to get anything, the people around me don't get anything from being wiht me (although i think that going by what he said this is wrong-they get misery), that i just take all of the time and never give and that i am perfectly happy just to live in my own little world (which i must admit, i had to shout at him about - 'what crap, i couldn't be more UN-happy in my own little world) ......etc.

at first i wanted to tell him he was wrong, but i can't help thinking hes not, about the pepople around me that it, i know he's wrong about how i think but he knows about the other people, he's one of them. everone probably would be better off without me, i was right all along.

i really want to tell him what the problem is, but i can't. i tried to today, i said, 'i HAVE done something about it', but then i got scared and ran away and hid in the bathroom (being the only room with a lock). I don't want to disappoint him again, i don't want him to be mean like was when he found out before, i don't want himt o have something else to add to his list of reasons why I'm useless, i want to go on thinking that if he knew it'd be different instead of telling him and knowing that as soon as he finds out, it'll be just like i hadn't told him - 'what's wrong with you? get off your arse and do something with your life - i want to go on thinking he'd care more if i told him. i don't want to go on like this, i don't want to go on. xxx

Re: it's started
Posted by marie on Fri Nov 9 14:22:46 2001 (#11757)

It would be nice if those we love most in our lives could offer some sort of understanding. I know how it feels... I've worked hard all my life and it's never been good enough... If I made A's and B's in school my dad would tell me I should have had all A's... if I made all A's he told me they should have been higher... When my friends and I entered and won a vocal ensemble competition he told me that I was wasting my time with music and should focus more on what would get me a job in the 'real world'... I've finally just stopped trying to please him. For almost two years now I've been in a wonderful relationship with a man who loves me just the way I am... scars and all... and as far as he's conserned, I'm perfect... Of course my family severly disapproves of the relationship (because he's black and I'm white) but when it comes right down to it color doesn't make a person... and he's the best thing that has ever walked into my life and I'm not about to let him go just because our skins are different. One day we are all going to have to live our lives to please no one but ourselves... when that happenes we'll all be on the road to a better life.

*hugs* -Marie

jes
Posted by Nuni on Wed Nov 7 18:35:52 2001 (#11733)

Hi, How did your appt go with the DR? I hope you went through with it. I am worried that your dad isnt helping matters much. You will tell him when the time is right. I hope you are doing ok. Nuni

Re: jes
Posted by jes on Thu Nov 8 13:25:18 2001 (#11745)

hey, the doc's went fine,thank-you for asking. I'm now waiting for an appointment at this psychiatric hospital place for younger ppl, but the doc isn't sure of the age limit so if i can't go there then i have to see someone at this other place for adults. No, i don't think my dad is helping much, but then, he never does! I do want to tell him, but i'm a wimp and he makes me cry, so what can i say?! take care, love n hugs, jo xx

Re: jes
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Nov 11 01:53:34 2001 (#11769)

Hi Jes, I hope you're doing better. Sorry you dad isn't helping much. Craig still has a hard time thinking about Tara when she was cutting. It really bothered him and instead of talking about it, he sort of clammed up. They have started talking about it, but it is really hard for a lot of men to talk about emotions cause they were taught that men don't don't cry and get emotional.Maybe someday he'll be ready to let you tell him and maybe not. You're not a wimp for not telling him. You'll talk when you're ready. If you ever need to talk, let me know. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: jes
Posted by star on Tue Nov 13 13:26:42 2001 (#11814)

Hey baby, i hope i was some help if any on the phone the other day i know exactly what you were saying and please please dont listen to what he tells youi i KNOW he is not right you are an amazing person but you just have problems and deal with them in certain ways it is not your fault but you need to help yourself outta it and thats what i think your doing by going to the docs so dont worry baby and take care im always here, Love and kisses Amz xxx

does anyone????
Posted by jue on Thu Nov 8 07:53:17 2001 (#11740)

does anyone feel a desire to cut themselves just to destroy what is pure and nice...i often want to cut b/c i want people to see me and think i am normal and pretty and guys especially to think i am hot and then i'll pull off my shirt and they'll see the scars. i don't know...it is just sort of fucked up like i want to teach someone a lesson. but it really hurts me...and sometimes i get so dissappointed when i see my scars and realise that i have ruined my body. the purity is gone. yet that's what i wanted ISN'T IT????? or IS IT???? i am so confused...does anyone know what i mean?????

Re: does anyone????
Posted by kae on Thu Nov 8 09:21:39 2001 (#11742)

yeah i do. at school im the quiet, actress-girl with wouldnt do anything out of the ordinary. ha! they dont know. they cant see past smiles and long sleeves.

Re: does anyone????
Posted by ashley on Thu Nov 8 23:28:40 2001 (#11749)

i know exactly what you mean. everyone tells me how oh im so pretty and smart. i scare them away with my scars, and then i cut myself even more becos im so alone and have no one left, becos i scared them all away! all my love, ashley

Re: does anyone????
Posted by *me* on Thu Nov 8 23:50:03 2001 (#11751)

Yeah, I totally know what you mean. Everyone who knows me thinks I'm sooo freaking perfect. Perfect hair, perfect clothes, perfect grades, perfect perfect perfect. Only I know the truth - I'm prolly the most screwed up one of all. And so I cut (among many many other reasons) to stop the pressure of perfection. And in some ways I really really really LOVE my scars. But in other ways, I feel so ashamed and so let down. And hiding them - God, doesn't that make you feel like you did something so horrible?? I have to hide all the time. And like, did you ever have that moment when you realize, "oh, I can never do THIS without someone thinking I'm odd." I have. Like swimming. I'll never be able to go to a public pool with just a swimsuit on. Too many scars on my thighs and going up to my hips. I don't know. I'm kinda getting off topic. Just wanted to letcha know that I think I know what you meant. And I feel the same way.

I HATE HIM!!!!!
Posted by kae on Thu Nov 8 09:36:01 2001 (#11743)

ive told you about my best friend who was raped by the school dux/next years head boy. well, her counsellor finally worked out who he is. and shes got no other choice but to take legal action.

my friend rang this morning at 10 and we talked about the sitation until 12.30. it was terrible - she doesnt know what to do. she just wants to crawl away and hide. i spent the whole time trying and tryin to convince her that he HAD to be confronted before he did it again....but to no avail. anyway, when i got off the phone there was a message on my answering machine from her counsellor. i rang her, and she told me that she'd been to the police yesterday. she'd told them the story - without using names - and got her options worked out. and then she'd talked to her superior, and it turns out that if she doesnt do anything about it, and he does it to some other poor girl, SHE'LL be responsible. she'll lose her job and everything with it. so her plan is to tell my friend this in her counselling session tomorrow, and then take her straight down to the police station for an off-the-record discussion. im praying that my friend wont flip out....but i know she will. this guy has committed the ultimate crime and he could go to jail.

my friend is suffering badly enuf as it is. how will she cope if he denies it??? which im sure he will.......hes that kind of arsehole, he'll try twist it around and make it look as though it never happend. fuck...imagine the huge court battle. she wont b able to handle it. this guy is the school's champion debater....he wants to be a fuckn lawyer.....hes got so much power to make it seem like it never happened.

FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKK!!!!! FUCKKKK !!!!!!!! WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN????? WHY?????? SHE NEVER DID ANYTHING TO ANYONE.....WHY DID HE HAVE TO RUIN HER LIFE????????

i hate him i hate him i FUCKING hate him!!!! look what hes done!!!!!!

she wont eat, she wont sleep, shes nothing like the girl she was. she started cutting. im terrified that shes going to try end it all....i would never be able to live if she killed herself. goddddddddd........fuck this fuckn world with its fucking cruel human beings........the cruel ones hurt the kind ones and ruin everything.

FUCK LIFE.

Re: I HATE HIM!!!!!
Posted by Mego on Wed Nov 14 05:26:31 2001 (#11824)

i'm so sorry. chances are that he wont get away with it. your friend has no reason to make up a story like that, someone will have to believe her. keep me updated on what happens with all of this

tattoos
Posted by sarah on Thu Nov 8 16:03:28 2001 (#11746)

hi. i was just wondering if other people have had tattoos to help the pain, or am i on my own here? im just desperate to have another, but i have had 3 already and sometimes i feel i want them all over my scars so no one will notice them. but i am desperate to have another one. i just think tho, if one day i do get better then i will be left with the tattoos, but i will have the scars anyway. oh i dont know. what does any body else think? love sarah xx

Re: tattoos
Posted by jes on Thu Nov 8 16:19:28 2001 (#11747)

hey,

I'm thinking that if you're using the tatoos as a substitute for SI, then it's someting you should think twice about doing. But if it's to cover your scars then you should still think about it but maybe not in the same sense. If it is instead of cutting, then it's not a good idea, i don't think. take care, love n hugs, jes xx

Re: tattoos
Posted by KAT on Thu Nov 8 23:33:13 2001 (#11750)

well I would like to have some tattoo's done on my body in about a year(when I turn of age). But not to cover my scars, because even if I had tat's that covered my scars I would still know that they were there and I would still feel the pain of having those scars I have inflicted upon myself. Although I think "skin art" as in tat's are pretty and they are really a nice way to express your self for a lifetime. LOVE-KAT

Re: tattoos
Posted by Angelica on Sat Nov 10 16:58:02 2001 (#11763)

I have 5 tattoo's on vaious areas of my body. Most of them were done to kill pain. However, any tattoist that is any good, shouldn't agree to tattoo over scarred skin. Love 'n' blood soaked tears Ema

I feel...
Posted by DyingtoDie on Fri Nov 9 00:02:56 2001 (#11752)

OH gosh... I just feel so inadequate! Like nothing I do will ever be good enough... So many people expect so much and I can't deal with it... And I just think that I am so selfish. There are so many hurting people out there like us and all I do is think about my own problems. Yes I try to help others, but it's just like all the love that I try to show others still isn't good enough. And no punishment I cause is ever enough. I cut unitl I can't take it anymore, but I still feel like I need more punishment... so today (I know this isn't a bulima site.) I kept throwing up until I saw blood. But I don't do it to be skinny I do it just to make my body feel worse and to cause more pain. And I oftem think of other ways to make me feel horrible like taking meds for no reason just to screw up my freakin body... I'm just afraid of myself and what I am capable of sometimes... Oh well... Michelle

Re: I feel...
Posted by Erin on Sat Nov 10 03:10:30 2001 (#11759)

I feel the same way a lot too. thats why I never really post on this board...I never really know what to say to people who cut themselves to try to help them. other people do it really well so at least someone is helping them.

Re: I feel...
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Nov 11 01:56:07 2001 (#11770)

Michelle Please be careful. I don't know any magic words to make you feel better. Wish I did. If you ever want to talk to someone,please email me. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Im awake and breathing but not here
Posted by KAT on Fri Nov 9 03:11:57 2001 (#11753)

My friend died a few days ago. My legs are bleeding, my heart is crying. Take care all

Re: Im awake and breathing but not here
Posted by DyingtoDie on Fri Nov 9 03:21:03 2001 (#11754)

I'm so sorry... Gosh I don't even know what to say... PLEASE be careful. Take care of yourself... You don't deserve to have to cut to ease your pain... Please email me or give me your email... I'm so sorry I wish I could help :( be careful I love you! Michelle

Re: Im awake and breathing but not here
Posted by jes on Fri Nov 9 14:06:33 2001 (#11756)

oh huuney, i am so sorry, I know there isn't anything i can say that will make the pain go away, but plz becareful and if you can, keep coming here for support. take care, lots of love and huge hugs, jes xx

Re: Im awake and breathing but not here
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Nov 11 01:45:09 2001 (#11768)

I'm so sorry KAT. I'll keep you in my prayers tonight and your friend's family also. IF you need me, I'm here. Love, Rhonda

Giving In....
Posted by Alana on Sat Nov 10 04:38:37 2001 (#11760)

Giving In Will you, walk me To the edge again. Shaking, lonely, and I am drinking again. Woke up tonight and no one's here with me. I'm giving in to you.

Take me under I'm giving in to you. I'm dying tonight I'm giving in to you. Watch me crumble I'm giving in to you. I'm crying tonight I'm giving in to you.

Caught up, in life Losing all my friends. Family has tried, to heal all my addictions. Tragic it seems, to be alone again. I'm giving in to you.

Take me under I'm giving in to you. I'm dying tonight I'm giving in to you. Watch me crumble I'm giving in to you. I'm crying tonight I'm giving in to you.

(Oh fuck)

I look forward, to dying tonight. Drinks still on myself, life's harder every day. The stress has got me. I'm giving in Giving Giving in now!

Take me under (I'm killing all the faith) I'm dying tonight (I'm sick of all that faith) Watch me crumble (I'm killing all the faith) I'm crying tonight

Re: Giving In....
Posted by Amanda on Sat Nov 10 11:14:42 2001 (#11762)

alana thats incredible

For Alana
Posted by Angelica on Sat Nov 10 17:00:45 2001 (#11764)

Babe that is beautiful. It really got me. If you fancy a chat u r welcome to add me to your instant messengers or you can e-mail me. Love 'n' blood soaked tears Ema

Re: For Alana
Posted by Alana on Sat Nov 10 22:23:49 2001 (#11767)

Oops, sorry guys, I didn't right that. It's a song called Giving In by Adema. Check it out.

I guess I should have said that at the end of my post. Owell. It's still as pretty, just didn't come from me. You didn't actually think that I would come up with something like that did you?

Love, ALana

Re: For Alana
Posted by Angelica on Sun Nov 11 02:38:35 2001 (#11772)

Alana, I don't care who wrote it, it's beautiful and it was really good of you to post it up. If you fancy a chat sometime let me know. I have msn, yahoo and aol instant messengers and e-mail of course. Up to you. Hugs. Love 'n' blood soaked tears Ema xxx

Re: For Alana
Posted by Alana on Sun Nov 11 04:24:28 2001 (#11773)

what's your msn name?

Re: For Alana
Posted by star on Tue Nov 13 13:32:22 2001 (#11815)

That is such an amazing song, take care baby Amz xx

u know y?
Posted by elle on Sat Nov 10 08:24:08 2001 (#11761)

u know y i look at pics of other peoples SI? becuase it makes me not wnat to cut me. does that make sense? they always say like warning triggering, but if i am in the mood to cut then looking at other peoples cuts makes me not want to cut anymore so it kinda like triggers me to not cut. when it said triggering i always thought it kinda meant that cutting was the good and they would triggersomething in you to make you not want to cut.

I'm here...sort of
Posted by *Poison on Sat Nov 10 19:25:56 2001 (#11766)

Hi, i know i know, i haven't posten in a LONG time. a lot has been happening lately, and with my mom's computer being slow as hell well...i haven't had the chance to write anything...oh well...i don't know where to begin....i guess i will tell you all that i'm OK for now...i will live, but who knows what i'll be like in a month...HA!!! ...why do i feel an overdose comming...????i think i'm messed up or something, am i the only one who can laugh at something like that? i mean it's not like a happy laugh...its more like....a depressed...hateful...let's try and be happy for everyone else laugh...interesting..

amanda(KoKo)

ER
Posted by *me* on Sun Nov 11 02:34:31 2001 (#11771)

Did anyone watch ER on Thursday? They had a cutter storyline. I was glad my mother was asleep.

Re: ER
Posted by elle on Sun Nov 11 19:47:51 2001 (#11779)

I saw that. I was with my mom, she was like, do you think that girl really did that to herself or was it make-up? haha, mom, i think it was makeup.!

Re: hollyoaks
Posted by Rachel on Mon Nov 12 21:39:56 2001 (#11795)

At the moment on hollyoak they have a cutter storyline to.

Re: hollyoaks
Posted by jes on Mon Nov 19 01:26:45 2001 (#11927)

I've been watching that too.

Re: hollyoaks
Posted by kim on Thu Nov 22 05:06:05 2001 (#12062)

i saw that too...i was watching by myself...im glad..my mom would have said something like " freak who the hell does that" not knowing i have been doing it for almost a year...how can people be so blind...and she says she loves me

Re: hollyoaks
Posted by *me* on Sat Nov 24 00:27:22 2001 (#12123)

What is hollyoaks?

Re: hollyoaks
Posted by jes on Sat Nov 24 03:09:36 2001 (#12127)

hollyoaks is a kinda teen-soap thing in the uk.

Re: hollyoaks
Posted by beck on Sat Nov 24 02:28:09 2001 (#12126)

i think having this sort of story line encourages people to try things like self harm. i wonder how many people have tried it because 'the girl on tv did it' they do it to show they are in with the latest 'trend' that is on tv. i wish these people would actually go through something be addicted to self harm and tear themselves to pieces with no one but themselves knowing. maybe then they wouldnt call us freaks or stupid sometimes people actually have a true problem things like this hollyoaks thing just makes people ask questions and make them butt in where they wouldnt have before. Asking if im ok and acting like im going to commit suicide every 10 seconds, well im not!!! its just stupid, it shows it in way too much detail, but on the good side i helps people think that one of their friends might need help. i need help, i have a problem and im not ashamed to say that. beckxx

Re: hollyoaks
Posted by Dani on Sun Nov 25 20:15:56 2001 (#12225)

i was watching that hollyoaks thing with my mum last week and felt really weird, i had to leave to room. did anyone else feel triggered by that?

Re: hollyoaks
Posted by Sarah on Sun Nov 25 21:38:44 2001 (#12234)

i was watching it and then my mum walked in on thursday, where the girl's brother walked in. it was really aquward and i found it dead unconforatble.

Re: hollyoaks
Posted by Jenny on Tue Nov 27 22:15:18 2001 (#12403)

Can some1 pleas e tell me what this girl is called? ive been watching it and I can see it any where I really wana watch it

Re: hollyoaks
Posted by sarah on Tue Nov 27 22:48:11 2001 (#12405)

the girl is called lisa.

Re: hollyoaks
Posted by Jenny on Wed Nov 28 16:00:30 2001 (#12425)

Has the story line started yet? can you keep me posted on what happens?

Re: hollyoaks
Posted by sarah on Wed Nov 28 17:18:58 2001 (#12430)

The story line stared a few weeks ago, gradually leading up to her being seen doing it by her brother. a couple of weeks ago one of her friends noticed that she had marks on her arm and thought it was her dad abusing her, so called social services. they came round and found nothing. but lisa has got a few 'friends' who are being dead nasty to her so thats shown as the reason she cuts, i think. havent got to this weeks episodes as i live in wales at the moment and they are only shown on an omnibus on sunday. you can tell i watch too much tv and dont do enough work on my degree!!! oh well xxx

a lotta shit
Posted by Mego on Sun Nov 11 06:22:41 2001 (#11774)

i have so much shit goin on right now. i don't know what the fuck is goin on with anyone anymore. i got to know this girl kelly who used to be sweet and all but she annoys the hell out of me. she pisses me off so bad! like she said she was gonna buy a couple hits of acid and that i was gonna trip with her. i told her no, that she doesnt know the right people to get it from and that i have never done it and i would have a bad trip with her. my friend told kelly that she wanted to do coke to see what kinda reaction she would get and right away kelly was all like "yeah, me too!" she is so clingy, she is always hanging all over me and she makes up TONS of stories about shit she's done and guys she's messed around with. she never smoked cigs until she started hanging out with us, now whenever she's with us she has to be smoking. we all told her she shouldn't if she's not addicted cause its not worth it. she refuses to listen to us, saying that she has been smoking for a couple of years. IT IS ALL BULLSHIT!!! i hate people who lie like that. she loved her parents until she heard me say how much i hate my dad. she heard that he hits me so now all of a sudden she hates her dad and he hits her, too. one day she isn't a virgin, the next she is. and i seriously think she's bi. not that there's anything wrong with that but she is ALWAYS all over me, grabbing my ass and shit. i tell her to stop and she thinks its just sooo funny. GOD I COULD KILL HER!! she is so annoying. she keeps telling me that i need to get laid and all this shit and asks all these guys if they wanna fuck me and saying shit like "i'd fuck her and all but i think she'd prefer you cause you are more equipped to give her pleasure." and then she does this annoying laugh. god, what the hell is wrong with her?? okay, now lets move on to my family and how fucked up they are. my mom is always drunk. every single night she gets drunk and fights with me and my brother. the other night, out of nowhere, she comes into the living room and telling me all this shit, sayin that i dont have a boyfriend cause im a bitch and then she went on and on about what a bitch i am. she thinks its so funny to make fun of me and be a bitch to me because im not a little slut like she was when she was in high school and because i don't have guys hanging all over me like my friends do. well look at her now. she works part time at the jr. high school, she's married to an abusive bastard (i'll get to him in a minute) she has no friends, her kids cant stand being around her half the time cause she's an alchoholic. my dad, nobody likes him at all. my mom would have divoriced him a long time ago if she could support me and my brother on her own. he doesn't hit us like he used to but still... he shouldnt treat us the way he does. i had two guy friends who i was really close to, they were like brothers to me. i loved them so much but now they hang out with a group of preppy girls and are too good for me. everything is just so fucked up. i would die for a cigarette right now. last night i was supposed to shroom with some of my friends. shit didnt work out so i got stoned off my ass instead. i was listening to them talk, and i could not relate to anything they were talking about. their families and how perfect shit was with that, being best friends with someone forever, the guys that are constantly throwing themselves at them... it all sounds stupid, even to me when i read it, but it would be so perfect to have their lives. whenever i say anything about the problems i'm having at home they cut me off and start talking about something totally different, something about them of course. one of them, nell, has an older brother, tim. nell called me one night when i was fighting with my mom. tim picked up the other phone and heard me freaking out so he was just like "megan, whats goin on?" i told him nothing, it was just stupid shit and he was just like "you know what? thats bullshit. you're spending the night over here tonight and youre smokin some pot with me and danelle" and he came to get me. we drove around for a little bit, so i could calm down before we got to their house. he talked to me about everything that was going on with my family and tryed to help me figure some of the shit out. why can't any of my "real" friends do that for me? god, this is long. i just got a lotta shit out though, i feel a little better now. i dont even know if anyone will take out the time to read this, or what kinda response they would post if they did but just getting all of this shit out has helped a little.

Re: a lotta shit
Posted by kae on Sun Nov 11 09:51:07 2001 (#11776)

i read everything.....i wish i could help you! life sounds pretty rough at the moment. high school years are guaranteed to be the roughest of our lives, though.

i reckon you should talk to your mum. (mom, mum, whatever, we say mum in new zealand). even if its in the middle of a fight and you start telling her how you're feeling. probably best to wait until shes sober though. another good way is to write a letter. writing your thoughts out is easier than saying them. you could just leave it somewhere where she'd find it while you were at school or something. it might be the best way to show her how you're feeling.

i dont know. im not really in a good position to give decent advice at the moment....but i can say that LIFE SUX.

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: a lotta shit
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Nov 12 20:09:26 2001 (#11790)

Hey Mego, It's always better to get stuff off your chest and I hope that helped. A lot of times I don't know what to say and this is one of those times. You know you can always come here for support. I really wish I know the right words to say, but I'm thinking about you and hoping you are okay. If you ever want to talk, just email me. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: a lotta shit
Posted by B on Fri Nov 16 02:15:59 2001 (#11874)

hey girl, i did take time to read all that. it seems like you are going through a lot of shit. parents just dont know what they do to us at this age. i dunno know if the drugs are gonna help you out though. becoming addicted to all those drugs might land you in the same place your mom is right now. you seem like a sweet girl..i hope that everything is going ok for you! good luck!

Re: a lotta shit
Posted by Emz on Wed Nov 21 12:44:47 2001 (#12039)

Hey sweetheart, I read your post, sounds something along the lines of what my family was like before my Mom divorced my dad for being an agressive drunken violent bastard, I know what its like, I lived with it for years, my Mom wouldn't stand up to him, so when he hit her, Id have to protect her and he'd take it out on me instead, and basically I was always used as his punchbag when he came in pissed up after the pub. It was horrible, but things get better, I still have problems now, but since he has gone life has become alot better, although he still causes trouble around the family with my Moms new boyfriend, it was only about 6 months ago when I had to testify against him in court, not a nice experience. Anyway, I hope things work out for you Best of luck Emz xxx

Just sharing
Posted by Maggie on Sun Nov 11 09:49:19 2001 (#11775)

I just finished my last exams for this semester and will now graduate with my first degree!!! I'm so happy that I made it through my exams with most of my blood...

Also I'm leaving to go to USA on Friday, to spend 3.5 months in a completely new country and without my parents telling me what to do!!! I'm so excited, but so scared coz I don't have much idea what I'm gonna do. I'm still deciding whether I need to pack my blades or not.

Re: Just sharing
Posted by Linda on Sun Nov 11 14:00:39 2001 (#11777)

Bless your heart!!! I'm so proud of you for finishing what you set out to do, even if it was hard!! My advice about what to pack.....leave the blades at home! You won't need them here! (((((((((Maggie))))))))

Re: Just sharing
Posted by *me* on Sun Nov 11 23:56:10 2001 (#11780)

Hey congrats....I wish you well!

JW....Where at in the US are you gonna be?

Lots of love.

Re: Just sharing
Posted by Maggie on Wed Nov 14 07:28:17 2001 (#11826)

I'm gonna be going to LA, Boston, New Hampshire, New York, San Francisco, San Diego, Las Vegas... and hopefully other places if I have the time. I'll be there for 3.5 months so it'll be so cool. Unfortunately I'm leaving the nice NZ summer, for a US winter. I hope my problem isn't seasonal affective disorder :)

Re: Just sharing
Posted by Mego on Mon Nov 12 04:03:33 2001 (#11782)

thats awesome bro! congradulations!

Re: Just sharing
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Nov 12 20:14:15 2001 (#11791)

Oh Maggie, I'm really proud of you. Now you get to come over here and I hope you have some fun. Where are you going to go? There are so many neat places in the USA. If you want or need some advice on where to go, let me know. I know it's also gonna be scary, but if you can have access to a computer, you'll still have all of us with you. Write and let us know what you have seen when you get over here. Email me if you want to talk or anything. Again, way to go on getting your degree!!!!! Take care. Love, Rhonda