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Threads 2901 to 2950

who is tara?
Posted by kae on Mon Oct 29 10:12:33 2001 (#11369)

hey i havent been on here as long as u guys but ive noticed that Rhonda posts on here as Tara's Mom. who is tara and what is the significance behind that name? why isnt tara on here herself?

hope u can fill me in. thanx

luv y'all, kae

Re: who is tara?
Posted by Amanda on Mon Oct 29 16:32:15 2001 (#11371)

tara come on here when she can, but as far as i can tell she works a lot and doesnt get the chance to post very often. Rhonda is tara's mum(well DUH!!) and tara's lucky as her mum cares about her enough to want to come here and help. she offers a view that not many of us have, she is an adult, a parent and an outside view all in one. it helps to have someone like her around.

Love, Trust and Pixi Dust, Amanda

Re: who is tara?
Posted by KAT on Mon Oct 29 22:29:11 2001 (#11379)

Tara is a young lady who used to post here often but I think I remember Rhonda saying she moved out. I hope Taras alright, she was a cutter and we all supported each other just like we do now, as a family (well we try, right) anyway yeah..just one of us.
:) Good luck Tara wherever you are.. love KAT

Re: who is tara?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Oct 30 01:49:31 2001 (#11394)

Thanks for all the kind words about Tara guys. Kae, Tara is my daughter and she cuts. Although she hasn't in quite a while now, she still battles with it. With the right meds and one hell of a therapist, she has been doing great.Yes, KAT is right. My baby moved out with some friends about 2 weeks ago and I really miss her. I still get to see her a lot as she drops by to borrow stuff, the vacum cleaner, gas money. (HA!HA!) The friends she moved in with don't have a computer so needless to say, she doesn't post much, but she did tell me today to tell everyone hello and she still thinks about ya'll a lot. Well, I'll go now. Probably boring everyone. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: who is tara?
Posted by KAT on Tue Oct 30 02:15:16 2001 (#11402)

aw thats so sweet!!! Rhonda, aw..hehe thats so nice of you to give her gas money, I wish my mom did that. Oh well..hehe take care Love KAT

Re: who is tara?
Posted by kae on Tue Oct 30 09:18:58 2001 (#11408)

sweet as......good to know! i hope she keeps improving and beats this shit.

luv 'n hugz, kae

Me again!
Posted by Jenny on Mon Oct 29 16:21:00 2001 (#11370)

Hiya all, only me again, ve made up with Keith and Sallyanne, not how I wanted to but still were mates! For how long I ask my self?? They fobed me off with some crappy story and I pretended I believed them which I didn't but who cares!!?? I tried my hardest not to cut over them but it didnt work, so one again I can be called a cutter! I slashed till I had no dry skin left and boy did I feel good after wards! ne way gota go Im on de school computer love ya all loads Luv Jen

Re: Me again!
Posted by KAT on Mon Oct 29 22:30:33 2001 (#11380)

PLLLLLLLLEASEEEEEEEE be carefule, and take care sweetie. love ya much-KAT

*SIGH* i know i said i was going........
Posted by Amanda on Mon Oct 29 16:40:14 2001 (#11372)

i cant, this place, its like a safty blanket. im in florida on holiday and i had to find a comp so that i could come on here. cant cope without speaking to you lot!!!! my blades used to be my safty blanket but now its a cross between them, here, and a paket of cigaretts(soz cant spell). i have to have something to hold on to and this place is one of those things. i have done a lot of thinking this week, i supose this holiday is going to help me in a few ways, it will give me a head start, i cant cut for these two weeks, it would be to risky. and it has given me a chance to do a lot of thinking as i said. also, it might just bring me and my mum closer together, that is one thing that i hope for more than anything, i go through periods of hating her. only coz i feel like she doesnt love me, i know she DOES but i dont feel it and i hate her for that. but i love her and want her to love me back and show me that she does care.

oh well. how are you guys? i dont have time to read all the post from the last week, so could you all just let me know. email me if you want. i dont know when i ll next get the chance to check my mail but ill try and do it fairly soon.

Luv, Trust and Pixi Dust, Amanda

Re: *SIGH* i know i said i was going........
Posted by Angelica on Mon Oct 29 18:30:30 2001 (#11373)

Hi Amanda I know what you mean, I also find this place a security blanket, even though I haven't cut or burned for over 3 months now, I still feel a need to come here every day if possible and checks posts. Up till now I've been very shy and nervous about replying to other people's posts, but now I feel more able to. Sorry for rambling on. Please feel free to e-mail me if you'd like? Love 'n' blood soaked tears Ema xxx

Re: *SIGH* i know i said i was going........
Posted by KAT on Mon Oct 29 22:33:48 2001 (#11381)

Hi Amanda, Im not sure if we've met. Im Jessica but I post as KAT. Ive been posting here a long long time, anyway Im glad your thinking things through. Time away from tirggers and blades can be time welll well spent, I assure you of that. Parents are human beings too and some just dont know how to be excellent parents, give your Mum time Im sure shes trying, and show her you love her if yo honestly do. Good luck to you on that...and have a safe trip. Me? Im okay...actually pretty crappy but I wont bring you down w/ my bad news. be safe take care Love -KAT

Re: *SIGH* i know i said i was going........
Posted by Dawn on Tue Oct 30 00:50:19 2001 (#11387)

Hi, hope you do get closer to your mother. I understand the hate/love? thing. Growing up I had no feelings for my mother, but when I had my breakdown I realized I Hated her, more her treatment of me. But once I talked about it began to see that I was not much different than she was. And as I began to forgive myself forgiveness for her happened. Now she is dead and I miss her. Which is something I never thought would happen.

So what I am saying is just be yourself, try to get your emotional needs met with her, but if it doesn't happen on this holiday, maybe it will come later.

Have a safe holiday...Dawn

Re: *SIGH* i know i said i was going........
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Oct 30 01:56:12 2001 (#11395)

Hey Amanda, This place does become a habit doesn't it? Of course I mean that in a good way. I wouldn't trade ya'll for anyone. This might be a good time to think about things. Maybe you can have a heart to heart talk with your mom and get things straightened out. Could be she is just scared about things happening to you and doesn't really know how to deal with them. Mom's are like that sometimes. Sometimes I don't know what to say when some one posts something here. If you ever want to talk, just email me. You can write anytime. Take care. Love, Rhonda

**
Posted by thisbe on Mon Oct 29 19:49:38 2001 (#11374)

yey it was almost been 6months that i haven't cut.but i was to depressed today. cant help myself im such a failor. pf fuck everything.dont care anymore.

Re: **
Posted by jue on Mon Oct 29 21:32:01 2001 (#11376)

hey, hey... six months is amazing. i went for a month and then the sadness hit hard again... it happens...but that doesn't mean failure, it doesn't mean weakness... it doesn't mean anything bad... it is just a time that may not feel like it will pass...but it will...time is having its way with all of us...it just keeps ticking on and as bad as it sounds even if we are doing nothing time will change things in ways that we will never be able to imagine...sorry for the rambling,,,just want you to know to take care and be careful....

love lots...julie

Re: **
Posted by KAT on Mon Oct 29 22:36:09 2001 (#11382)

Just because you cut after a period of time most ceratinly does NOT mean you are a failure in any way. I promise! Like I said earlier its like riding a bike, when you fall off you dont give up you get back on and try again and see how long you can hold yourself up. and when you fall off lets hope you have someone around to catch you, and if you dont well I hope your strong enough to pick up the pieces. Take care of yourself, and keep trying (thats what Im doing). No one ever said it was gonna be easy
:) love -KAT

Re: **
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Oct 30 01:57:56 2001 (#11396)

You are not a failure!!!!! Just take a deep breath and relax. You have friends here who will help you. Talk to us. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: **
Posted by Amanda on Tue Oct 30 16:58:53 2001 (#11417)

try to care, its hard but try as hard as you can. it gets better, or so ive heard!

Love Trust and Pixi Dust, Amanda

Treatment
Posted by Andrew Levander, M.A., M.A.C. on Mon Oct 29 20:04:52 2001 (#11375)

My name is Andrew Levander and I am a therapist and addicitive disorders specialist in the Los Angeles, Ca. area. I have a private therapeutic treatment center for self-injury and would like to let people know that there is help in LA. I can be reached at TheHealingHouse@msn.com or at 213-470-7730

Thank You,

Andrew Levander, M.A., M.A.C. The Healing House Clinical Director

Re: Treatment
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Oct 30 02:02:22 2001 (#11398)

Hi Andrew, Are you gonna be coming on the board regularly? Some of these people live in different countries so they can't get to you personally. I think it would be neat to get the input of someone who specializes in this. It's such a problem to find a therapist who will REALLY help these kids and young people. Of course, you can't judge them. What do ya think? Email me if you have any questions. I don't cut, but I come here to help the ones who do. Take care. Love, Rhonda

THIS IS NOT OUR FUCKING FAULTS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by jue on Mon Oct 29 21:41:44 2001 (#11377)

I been thinking how we all blame ourselves here. WHy the hell do we blame ourselves for hurting...we can't help what is over,,, we can't change what we did,,, we have a hard time controlling what is before us,,,we are living in pain that makes us want to hurt ourselves, yet we blame ourselves and say that we are failures after we get sad and hurt ourselves, or are angry or whatever,,,it seems as though we are mad at ourselves b/c we can't control our emotions. why is it okay for other people but not for us????? why can people show sadness when they find out they have cancer but we can't with the situation we are in..... WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY IS THAT THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL THAT THIS IS OUR OWN DAMN FAULTS...I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE HAS DONE OUR SAID OUR ANYTHING,,,IT IS NOT OUR FAULT THAT WE ARE IN THIS SITUATION,.

we are sad and frustrated and angry and numb and confused but we shouldn't beat ourselves up about this...

Does anyone understand...it is just sad that i am mad at myself for cutting again,,, it is a process it isn't something i am to blame for.

it just really hit me,,, we are all good people.

we don't deserve this. we are innocent no matter how dirty we feel.

please...i am trying to believe this....what are others thoughts. it just struck me that we shouldn't be angry at ourselves for suffering.

am i way off base??????? please reply.

take care...love julie

Re: THIS IS NOT OUR FUCKING FAULTS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by KAT on Mon Oct 29 22:39:52 2001 (#11383)

Congradulations, Im sooo Happy for you Julie. Youve come to the point where your realizing this shit is something that we kinda have no control over and we arent responsible for alot of things that go on in life therefore we shouldnt be the ones taking all the blame. Im happpy for you, your post was real encourgaing to me. I used to be real confident and stuff, and Im really slipping back into my depressed cutting wrists times. Its not good and I thank you so much for posting that your absolutely right about it all. and You are not way off base oyur right on the target. Thanks again Jules, and nice posts. Take care be strong, have hope...love KAT

Re: THIS IS NOT OUR FUCKING FAULTS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Oct 30 02:07:04 2001 (#11399)

Of course you're all good people. Things have happened in your life that have caused you to deal with pain in this way. Whatever happened to you is not your fault. Just keep thinking that thought. Do what Dawn does, she puts signs on her wall with sayings on them so she can see and remember them. Like "This is not my fault" Maybe that will help. Email me if you want to. I'm always here. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Now I feel guitly..
Posted by KAT on Mon Oct 29 23:23:04 2001 (#11384)

so these people tell me they are having problems with SI and Suicidal thoughts so I give them this page website b/c It has helped me alot. and they come back complainging and telling me it has worsened their life. Im so confused...a little feed back anyone?

Some people are not ready for help
Posted by Dawn on Tue Oct 30 01:09:29 2001 (#11391)

Kat, I know your heart is in the right place. But some people just are not ready to stop being mad at the world and taking it out on themselves, so they cut, and they strike out at people who are trying to help. I think we have to learn to keep our hearts open and not quit when arrows come toward us. Because they are going to come. We just have to learn to not let them distract us from helping those who want help and are ready to open the eyes to the truth. It hurts, but we can't let it stop us.

Re: Now I feel guitly..
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Oct 30 02:09:58 2001 (#11400)

Maybe they don't understand and just lashed out on you. I wouldn't worry about it KAT. You're a good person with good intensions. Some people will never be happy and you can't change that. Just take care of yourself and your friends. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: Now I feel guitly..
Posted by jue on Tue Oct 30 04:32:19 2001 (#11403)

you had the right intentions...as already mentioned. what worked for you might not work for another. it has nothing to do with you. you are a sweetheart. remember that. also it is for them to figure out what works for themselves you are throwing out ideas which is great.

take care...love lots julie

help
Posted by *me* on Tue Oct 30 01:05:19 2001 (#11389)

Things are just going from bad to worse lately and I don't know what to do. I hate the way I am feeling but I don't know how to make it stop. Yesterday my mother told me, she goes, "You know, I'm really learning to hate you. I can't wait until you leave for college." GOD WHY DO I LET HER WORDS HURT ME?!!? I don't know. They stab into me like they actually mean something. WHY do I let them mean something? Shouldn't I have learned by now just to IGNORE them. But they hurt, and so I hurt myself.

But yeah, so my mother doesn't care. My only living grandparent wishes I had died instead of my father. My half brother has not contacted me in my entire life and ignores my existance. And I am pushing my friends away from me. I don't know why, but it's like I've just separated myself from them. I don't know. So I was seriously thinking the other day about just running away. I doubt I would do it, but in my head I was planning out what I would take and what I would wear and where I could go. And then I was thinking who would really care if I died? Like, in 20 years who would CARE that I wasn't alive? I'M NOT GOING TO OFF MYSELF RIGHT NOW. That's not at all what I'm implying. I don't know what I'm talking about even, it's just all the feelings I've felt for these past few days that are all rushing out right now. I have no idea what I'm expecting. But I'm feeling so freaking pressured right now and very sad and very lonely and I just want to bleed and bleed and bleed it out. The blood has become important to me. It never used to be. I just cared about the pain. Now I need the blood. I need to cut in the shower and see the blood turn the water orange. I need to see the blood drip down my leg. Plz help. I don't know what to do.

Re: help
Posted by KAT on Tue Oct 30 02:00:14 2001 (#11397)

Im sorry people say things to you that hurt you like a physical wound. I know how it feels to be shut out and put down by people who mean the world to you. It hurts, and that hurt stings forever, but it will fade over time, just like everything else. I hope you have a therapist or counselor because I think that might be a good thing for you right now, ya know. I love you, I think you need to hear that, I know I do. so Im saying it to you, I love you take care. I wish I could forsee the future and tell you everything will turn out how you want it, but I cant. Life is hard and things hurt but we get through it somehow..(I dont know how). Your still breathing and thats what matters, now take care of yourself your the only YOU out there. (I hope that made sence). anyway be strong *hugs* Im here if you wanna talk more, feel free to e-mail me. LOVE -KAT

Re: help
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Oct 30 02:14:07 2001 (#11401)

I'm so sorry about what your family is saying to you. That is very cruel and mean. I really wish I had some magic words to make things better for you. Instead I'll send you this (((((((((((HUG)))))))))) and hope you feel better soon!! Please write me if you want to. I'm here for you. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: help
Posted by jue on Tue Oct 30 04:39:46 2001 (#11404)

*me* i just wish i could hold on to you and keep you safe... you are very special. i am so sorry about your family,,,if you can, try not to push your friends away,,,they care and they will try to be there,, even if they don't know how, or even don't know that you are hurting...please be careful...i wish i could say somewhere that you could run away where there was love and warmth. where everyone showed love and affection. just keep posting... tell that teacher you were mentioning before(anon) if you can....

i am really hoping for you.

God speed...take care love lots, julie

KAT, rhonda and jue - plz read
Posted by *me* on Tue Oct 30 19:53:48 2001 (#11421)

Plying to ur posts in a big post, so forgive me if I leave nething out.

KAT - I don't have a counselor/therapist, tho I seriously wish I did. NO ONE knows about me and cutting and stuff. I'm trying to figure out how to contact someone anonymously to get help, bc I don't know if I can wait until I'm 18. Thank you for telling me you loved me. I am crying. It really means a lot to me. I love you too. I love everyone here. I hope you all know that.

Jue - My friends don't know about me, either, but I know they care. I don't know why I'm pushing them away. I'm not, like, physically doing anything to them. I just kinda sit and observe instead of taking part in convos. I got into a huge fight (their fault) with some of my friends a few weeks ago, and I just can't bring myself to forgive them. Things like that. I'm afraid I'm going to lose all of them, bc they are the only ppl in real life I feel that care about me, but I can't help feeling like an outsider when I'm with them. And I don't know why I feel like that, bc they try to include me but I just feel so ALONE even when I'm in a group. I don't know. And I came thisclose to emailing that teacher, I even planned out what I would say, but I'm SO SCARED that she'll go to guidance and they'll track me down. I can't stand the THOUGHT of ppl knowing.

But for all three of you, thank you for replying. I was nervous that no one was going to reply, and I need to talk about what I'm feeling right now, bc otherwise it just turns into more of a hurt that I'm keeping silent. I don't know if that makes sense, but I think you know what I mean.

Lots of love.

WEll...there goes my life again...
Posted by *Poison on Tue Oct 30 05:07:42 2001 (#11405)

OK..here's what happened. i'm supposed to be moving back with my mom friday. but guess what!!!!!!!!!! I"M NOT NOW. (how'd u guess?!) me and my mom got in a fight last night cause i was looking out for my sister, cause i fear that she is going to turn out like me, but in a different way, because she lies a WHOLE lot, and she is 12, and i dunno, she just really does a lot of things that are not normal for a kid her age. but anyway. so i told my mom that it was important for someone her age to have a room of her own so that she has a "safe place" to be a place she can call her own and explore her indivuality with etc. and my mom only has 3 bedrooms, (and i have a brother who is 4) but my sister and my brother do not get along and me and my sister don't get along. so i was like fine, i'll by myself a shed and go live in that so she can have her own room. but of course my mom flipped out on that cause that makes her look like a bad parent, etc... but she was supposed to be putting on an addition to her house this month but one contractor gave her some whack price that isn't even concieveable, it's more that what my dad BUILT his house for! and my mom jsut gave up hope there and she's like well i'll have to put ryan (brother) and tabatha(sister) together. and i was like " what are you going to kick her out of her romo whenever ryan needs a time-out?" and she's like "yeah what's wrong with that!?" I swear to god my mom is a dipstick! i hate her! so i told her that all my problems started when i moved in with her in 3rd grade, and she's like "all the way back then!?" and i was like "YEAH!! DON"T YOU REMEMBER MY WHOLE SUICIDE THING IN 6th GRADE!?" she's like "NO" and it's like HELLO you had to go in and talk to the friggen guidence councelour!!!!!!!!!!!!! fucking idiot, shows how much she pays attention. ahhh! je ne sais pas! Je deteste ma mere! elle n'est pas sympa!! now i get to tell everyone at school that i'm not moving. WAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 that ought to be fun!!! espically since one of my teachers was going to have a "party" for me..jesus fukking christ!!! and people wonder why i don't talk!! cause it always gets me in trouble. i'm done. ...maybe i can convince her someway?? i just NEED to get out of this house with my dad!

KoKo

****Don't worry about this part, i needed to finish this at school, and i couldn't find a floppy disk to save it on, and they don't allow u to bring in burned cd's and i would get thrown off the computers all year if they caught me checking my mail****

Leading this country to independence was a very difficult task. There were many obstacles that the colonists had to overcome, many of them being with their own “mother country”. Politically, the Americans had every right to do as they did they had taxation without representation, and were considered unequal to their ancestors, and at one point before American consciousness came into play, their heritage and true home. If the colonists had never stood up for themselves then they we might still be under English rule, and we definitely would not be the land of the free. In 1776 the Declaratory Tax enabled England to tax the colonists. This was to help England regain economical freedom, since they were extremely in debt from helping the Americans fight the French and Indian war. The Americans paid the tax, as it was their duty, and seeing as England was their “mother country”. The Americans however were unhappy about paying the tax because the English law stated that parliament had the right to tax, and the colonists were not allowed to have representatives in neither the House of Commons nor the House of Representatives. This angered the colonists because it was taxation without representation. All the rights, which their forefathers had fought for with the Petition of rights and the English bill of rights, had been forsaken because they were now living on a different continent. The Declaratory Tax led the English to take action, which they did in 1770 with the Boston massacre, where certain English soldiers shot into a rioting crowd and killed many people, including one African American he was the first black person to be killed in the beginning of what led up to be the revolutionary war.

Re: WEll...there goes my life again...
Posted by sammie on Tue Oct 30 14:22:38 2001 (#11412)

i bet that felt good to get that all out. i hope you and your mom make up because it does sound like she is trying to help you out. I think your sister will cope with her brother for awhile. we all have to learn to adjust with what god gave us. times do get rough but that also can turn around for the better. i do know how you feel. i had to share a room with my brother when i was 9 and he was 11 and we fought like cats and dogs and finally my mom did have to seperate us. so hopefully after awhile all three of you will have your own space but be patience and just keep expressing your feelings hear b/c i know it helps me.

sammie

i dont have much to say but......
Posted by Amanda on Tue Oct 30 16:52:17 2001 (#11415)

its hard to respond to some post but i feel its best to try!

i hope you and your mum can sort things out, i know what its like to not get on with parents, i dont get on very well with my mum. but keep trying, it can only get better....i hope! lol. it sounds like a tough problem but im sure if you talk it through with her and see if you can find a better way of dealing with things. it might help.

Love, Trust and Pixi Dust, Amanda

Re: WEll...there goes my life again...
Posted by Elizabeth on Tue Oct 30 18:50:36 2001 (#11418)

Do you think you can talk things out with your mom again and come to a happy medium so that you don't have to live with your dad any more? Maybe it will only be a short while that your sister and brother have to share a room. Talk to your mom about getting a new price from a different contractor and maybe the addition can start soon. Do you really hate your mom? And why do you want to move out of your dad's so bad?

Re: WEll...there goes my life again...
Posted by *Poison on Tue Oct 30 23:53:24 2001 (#11424)

no, i don't really hate my mom, she works really hard for her kids and everything, it's jsut that she doesn't make smart decisions. and that annoys me a whole lot because i can see where she is making the mistakes, and she is too stubborn to even listen to my suggestions. and what i thought was correct my mom was wrong on the price, i knew she didn't know what she was talking about. grr i hate that. i don't know i just guess it bothers me that i know my mom deserves better than her fiance who sits on his ass and does jack shit, and my mom is soo shy that she can't stand up to him and so everyone suffers. it jsut makes me so mad becasue i always have to act like the mother to get something done in that house and then i get in trouble for it.

Re: WEll...there goes my life again...
Posted by KAT on Wed Oct 31 01:40:57 2001 (#11426)

hehe, nice to see you do your homework. :) Anyway, Im sorry , Like ive said many times before, parents werent born knowing how to act like parents you know. It actually is a tough job and I will give your mom credit for *trying* ya know..Im sorry she doesnt pay attention like you would like her to. Im sorry I dont know what to say, only that I hope your doing alright, and set an example for yourself, strive to be better then your mother( not saying that your mothers bad). but you know what I mean. and take care sweetie, good luck LOVE-kat

I want to slit my throat
Posted by Alana on Tue Oct 30 06:04:57 2001 (#11406)

I want to fuckin slit my throat right now. I can't control what I feel, and it's getting the best of me. I honestly had a breakdown - a trip I guess you could call it. I can't be insane. Better be dead than insane. I need to cut! It's been so long....at least 15 days since I last picked up the box from in my beside table drawer, took out my fresh razor and sliced my wrist. I love to watch the blood trickle down my hand onto the floor - beautiful and blissful.

I would love to just really fuck up my arms right now. I don't like to see them healing - it feels wrong. I feel like I'm letting myself down by not cutting. Who will I be if I don't cut? It's the only Alana I know.

I want to slit my throat.

Love, ALANA

Re: I want to slit my throat
Posted by kae on Tue Oct 30 10:17:51 2001 (#11409)

alana.....please stop and think what has happened to you. you've gotten fully caught up into the cycle of cutting - and now u dont believe you can ever stop. i can relate to that completely. i hold myself together by cutting, it keeps me in control of myself and my emotions. it makes me feel like i have something to fall back on. but its still wrong.

lets think about this in a different sense. imagine yourself when you were eight. young, innocent, happy, playing with barbie dolls and giggling in class. you would never have imagined yourself growing up to cut your body.

you are still that eight year old girl, but you have now seen a different side of life. you have learned that life is cruel and that sometimes it hurts too much to keep your pain inside. and so you cut your flesh in an effort to heal your pain. but it doesnt last. you simply become angrier, sadder, and hate yourself more and more. this reinforces your cutting, and it goes round and round.

marilyn manson said "the only way out of hell is to go right through it". its true. you have to fight the pain you're feeling from this shitty world and try to deal with it in other ways, ways you might have used if you were eight years old again. well, whatever age you feel you were perfectly stable at. cutting and hating yourself is only going to make your life spiral deeper into hell.....and that will take you nowhere. but thinking positively, thinking of the good times and what you can do for yourself will bring you out of hell and back into peace. once you are here, you can realise that you conquered the shit that the world threw at you and are now stronger for it.

i hope some of this made sense.

good luck, hun.

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: I want to slit my throat
Posted by Amanda on Tue Oct 30 16:57:00 2001 (#11416)

alana, the only thing i can say to you is PLS PLS PLS PLS dont cut your throat. i dont remember where i heard it but someone said that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. problems go away, it takes time, work and determination but they can go away. look at yourself, you have done an incredable thing by not cutting for that long. WELL DONE YOU. now all you have to do is keep it up. dont let yourself slip back into that violent circle again. you are strong enough to break that circle....OK!?! well done again and try your hardest to keep it up.

Love, Trust and Pixi Dust, Amanda

Re: I want to slit my throat
Posted by Erin on Tue Oct 30 21:32:57 2001 (#11422)

that was said really well..

Re: I want to slit my throat
Posted by KAT on Wed Oct 31 01:43:16 2001 (#11427)

Alana....Im sorry. I thought I knew what to say to people because Ive been through most of the shit they have, but when it comes to you, your emotions are so strong and it reminds me of when I was so soo close to death. I dont know what to say but please keep breathing and take care , wait until things calm down. You knowit'll get better...love ya much -KAT

Re: I want to slit my throat
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Oct 31 02:10:57 2001 (#11431)

Alana, This may sound silly, but I'd rather see you cut your arm than your throat. Please don't hurt yourself that way. If you want to talk, just email me. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Complete and utter apathy?
Posted by Drew on Tue Oct 30 10:49:36 2001 (#11411)

What the hell happened to me?…. I used to read every post and respond to as many as I could.(back in the day)(I don’t know why I added that) Any-who I was a cutter (stopped and haven’t since around apr.although there were some close calls.) and I was trying my best to help people. Now though I read a few here and there respond to some but I just can’t seam to care about it.

I mean I try and I want to be helpful to everybody in this room, you guys (and girls) helped me stop and I feel really bad that I can’t bring myself to any kind of emotion about your post. What the hell is wrong with me? It’s like I’m going for the biggest asshole in the whole world prize. I have absolutely no emotion whatsoever when I read most of your post. I’M SORRY!!! I try but errrrrrrr. And no I’m not a sociopath. I think maybe I’m just a deep rooted jerk or something. Sorry bout not caring bout you people. (oh man! That sounds so bad) so yeah… I’m just going to go now, maybe later I will redevelop my frontal lobe and have something worth posting.

TTFN

thecutthatneverheals... .

you can only do so much
Posted by Marie on Tue Oct 30 15:30:13 2001 (#11413)

Drew, You don't have to feel bad for things you can't fix... I really don't think that it's that you don't care - if you didn't care you wouldn't come to the board at all, but obviously you do... You won't always have the right words... and sometimes, just knowing that someone will read what has been written is enough... we don't always need confirmation of our emotion... just an ear will do.... Thanks for being honest, and I'm glad you're not cutting... I'm trying to quit myself... it's been just over a month and a half and it gets harder every day... Luck and hugs... Marie

an ear or a word....
Posted by Amanda on Tue Oct 30 16:45:34 2001 (#11414)

either is better than nothing. knowing a post was read, understood and noted gives a feeling of relief just as much as a word in responce. the fact that you fel no emotion....if it was me id proberbly say that it was because you have got rid of the wmotion that caused you to cut so letting yourself feel our emotion is not a thing you can do. you have detatched yourself from those feelings so it is bound to be hard to feel what we are feeling. hope that helped. Love, Trust and Pixi Dust, Amanda

Re: Complete and utter apathy?
Posted by KAT on Wed Oct 31 01:35:49 2001 (#11425)

I think your so immuned and used to it all its nothing new and its not shocking. I can't say that I completely understand where your coming from but I can tell you that I would never hold it against someone for not caring, and thats the truth. I dont think its your fault and Im not blaming you for not caring, Im glad you want to care but it just seems that the feelings cant come out, its okay Drew. I hope your alright, I dont think we've ever met Im jessica (KAT). anyway..take care wherever life runs ya Love-KAT

Re: Complete and utter apathy?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Oct 31 02:04:31 2001 (#11429)

That's okay Drew, sometimes I don't know how to respond either. I can't think of words to say that I think will help so I don't write anything at all. I know that's bad and I'm trying to change that aspect. If I screw up, ya'll let me know, like you shouldn't have said that or that was a dumb thing to say. I just worry about pissing people off sometimes so I don't say nothing. Maybe I'll just start offering hugs. Take care everyone. Love, Rhonda

MISS FUCKING WORLD
Posted by Jenny on Tue Oct 30 19:17:11 2001 (#11419)

you post ere and dont write to me!!! Life is one fucking mess, i dont know if you get the magasine anywhere where you live its clled sugar. There is an article in there on some one who cuts, her scars look so painfull.but its here way! You should get the mag is good.

I think my klife is one fucking mess, something happened today and i went down the pan big time, anbd no fucking one cared unough to come with me i went by myself. I hate tis fucking work.

who the hell do some people think they are MISS FUCKING WORLD???!

Dont worry, just me ranting and raving, ill be ok soon if im still ere, just going now to take a big slice outa my wrist so deep you can see bone.

love you all loads and ill miss ya be stay safe thax to everyone ere

Re: MISS FUCKING WORLD
Posted by KAT on Wed Oct 31 01:45:09 2001 (#11428)

its kind of a scary thought that SI is out there being exposed to people who otherwise would of never known about it, Kinda like giving kids an idea to solve problems, it scares me. Im sorry, Im sorry I hope your feeling well, please dont hurt yourself because hurt ontop of hurt is never good..try and heel. Things will get better, love ya very much -KAT

Re: MISS FUCKING WORLD
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Oct 31 02:07:40 2001 (#11430)

I hope you feel better soon Jenny. Take care of yourself and here's a hug for you. ((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))) )))))))))))))) Love, Rhonda

Re: MISS FUCKING WORLD
Posted by kae on Wed Oct 31 10:59:02 2001 (#11442)

JENNY!!!

please dont do anything, honey.

BE CAREFUL. the world is full of enough pain without us creating more.

"the only way through hell is to go through it, all the way to the bottom." - Marilyn Manson

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: MISS FUCKING WORLD
Posted by Jenny on Wed Oct 31 13:16:47 2001 (#11443)

Hey well.......................... .............................. .............. I didnt do it! Im still ere and in one piece, i guess i woz just feeling really down yesterday and need to say how I feel and for someone to listen to me. Kae this message woznt ment for you just saying that you neva emailed me yesterday!!! Im gona email you but it will be later as im at school at the mo and im sat next to a teacher so this is really dodgy riting this I shouldnt be doing it!!

Life is still poo,i have something major to do tomorrow but dont have time to prepare for it properly!!

If I could change my life, who I am I would to be born again would be my wish alwayz!

Im going trick or treating to nite with my little sister it should be good then im egging places.

Gotta go hes looking loove ya jen

these ppl need help
Posted by laura-anne on Tue Oct 30 19:22:52 2001 (#11420)

me personally used to cut my wrists becos i am overweight and i know wot suffering ppl go through wen they do this. in art at the mo im doing my g.c.s.e on self harm and would be delighted if anyone who does slit their body for wotever reason pls contact me by emailing me at the above adress daisychps@hotmail.com please i wud appreciate it.

Re: these ppl need help
Posted by Jenny on Wed Oct 31 13:20:23 2001 (#11444)

Hey wot are oy mad? Your treating this whole thing like a joke, doing your G.c.s.es on this who the hell would like to look at cuts and stuff? not "normail" ppl cutters would be not "normal" ppl. Ill email you to find out what exactly you are doing but hey you can email me

Jenny pls read
Posted by Amanda on Wed Oct 31 16:24:54 2001 (#11450)

jenny i am doing GCSE art and i am intending on doing a project on SI. i dont know if laura ann has similar ideas but i was planning on using my art to show the pain and emotions behind it. she may not want to use actual pictures of cuts and stuff so try not to fly off the handle at her, talk it over calmly and find out her reasons behind it......oh and using the word normal....there is no normal. Love Trust and Pixi Dust, Amanda

its me again
Posted by laura anne on Wed Oct 31 17:13:46 2001 (#11452)

look by doing self harm in my g.c.s.e doesnt mean im taking it for granted i am doing exactly what amanda said showing the pain and emotion ppl go through. my m8 does it and i used to do it becos i was depressed and i have stupid m8s who take the issue as a atention seeking thing wen it is not and we all know that.i want to prove to these ppl that not all ppl who cut them selves need help anmd the reasons for doing it.

new here...
Posted by Erin on Wed Oct 31 02:24:22 2001 (#11432)

I've been reading some of the posts for awhile but I never really started posting or anything...I dont even know why. I've never really talked to anyone who cuts themselves too. I dunno if I'd be any help either but..I read mostly all the posts and everything. anyway, this is a little introduction. my name's erin, i'm 15 and I cut myself.

Re: new here...
Posted by KAT on Wed Oct 31 02:29:52 2001 (#11433)

Welcome Erin. Im sorry you've had to come here, but Im glad you've found us. This boards helped me alot, maybe even more then my therapist has. so I hope it works out for you and take care of yourself, E-mail me anytime you wanna talk about anything. Im jessica (KAT). Im 16 and I love your e-mail name heh. anyway take care sweetie LOVE-KAT

Re: new here...
Posted by Erin on Wed Oct 31 03:11:09 2001 (#11434)

thanks jessica :) thats my best friends name too. I don't have a therapist or anything but hopefully this board will help me.

Re: new here...
Posted by Dawn on Wed Oct 31 06:20:03 2001 (#11436)

Welcome Erin for coming out of the shadows and introducing yourself. I hope we can help you on your journey. You know yourself better than anyone, so don't be shy to ask for what you need.

If youv'e been reading the posts and responses you probably know a lot about us. Post for anyone you relate to or just throw it out there and see what you get. But stay safe and stock up on all the love...Dawn

HEY!!!!!
Posted by Amanda on Wed Oct 31 16:21:01 2001 (#11449)

welcome to our haven! (hehe i like that word) no one here will judge you or anything like that. btw my name is amanda im also 15 and im trying not to cut. Love Trust and Pixi Dust, Amanda

Re: new here...
Posted by ~~~ on Wed Oct 31 17:42:06 2001 (#11453)

I don't post here often... but Hello and I hope to see you around :)

Butterfly

Re: new here...
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Nov 1 01:14:41 2001 (#11456)

Hi Erin, Welcome to the board. This is a great place to come for support. Write me if you ever want to. Take care. Love, Rhonda

hi - can anyone help me
Posted by hystericalanduseless on Wed Oct 31 04:38:54 2001 (#11435)

hi everyone - this is my first time here.i'm 19 and have been cutting and burning for 5 years. i just got out of mental hospital (again) where i've endured 8 months in there in total and 2 courses of electro-convulsive therapy. nothing helped me. i'm only out 'cos i learned to lie better. i just want to cut myself to the bone and bleed to death slowly and quietly (soundtrack - No Surprises by Radiohead). i just don't know what to do. i can't go back to hospital i can't cope with life i just want it all to stop. sorry to ramble on people but things are getting pritty shitty. anyway, maybe someone will reply. together we're stonger. bye xxx

Re: hi - can anyone help me
Posted by Dawn on Wed Oct 31 06:30:09 2001 (#11437)

I've only been held captive 2 or 3 days at a time, but from my experience when you are held captive the one thing you want most is to as you say get out and cut-- and do it deep.

I hope you know you don't have to do that. we care here. We listen to rants and others listen to my "lectures". I don't intend for them to be seen as lectures. I am just an old cutter with a fair amount of wisdom to pass on, and I have faith in a Living God who hold me up and reminds me when I OD that I don't really want to die and pick up the phone and get me some help QUICK.

Email me if you want to talk, maybe we can be messenger buddies. Any way this is a 24 hr, round the world site to people come and go all the time. Welcom aboard

Re: hi - can anyone help me
Posted by kae on Wed Oct 31 10:37:37 2001 (#11440)

hi hun....

it'd be good if you could come here a bit and share what you're feeling....a problem shared is a problem halved (or so it goes). but we all meet on here to talk about any shit thats going down, and help each other out.

could you tell us a bit more about yourself? interests, hobbies, dislikes, etc? where you live, family?

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: hi - can anyone help me
Posted by Amanda on Wed Oct 31 16:18:15 2001 (#11448)

"maybe someone will reply, together we're stronger" i have never heard such a true saying! that may be why this place can help you, it may help you to be stronger in yourself. we will try and help. (my way of saying WELCOME to our haven) Love, Trust and Pixi Dust, Amanda

Re: hi - can anyone help me
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Nov 1 01:19:32 2001 (#11459)

I'm sorry you're having so many problems. Welcome to the board. This is a really good place to come. There is so much support here that I consider us all family. I don't cut, but I'm here because I care and want to help in any way I can. If you ever feel like talking to an adult who won't judge you, just email me. I'm here every evening. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: hi - can anyone help me
Posted by KAT on Fri Nov 2 00:03:35 2001 (#11493)

Hi there, I understand about the hospitals. haha.....they let you out once you've perfected your lying techniques. they just stold my parents money while I got sicker, anyways. Im not sure what to say to you but to hang in there and take care becasue your precious to me. Anyone who cuts is precious to me because in my eyes they are just like me. The pain the people on this board have had to deal with is extremly terrible, so therefore like you said together we're strong. Hang in there *hugz* much lova to you -KAT

GOOD NEWS ABOUT BECKY
Posted by Dawn on Wed Oct 31 06:38:11 2001 (#11438)

She has emailed me twice. She is in counseling 5 days a week. She says she doesn't think she will come back to the board. Maybe that is a good idea for awhile, but I bet she could sure use some encouraging e-mails :-) Dawn

I didn't cut but it was difficult not to
Posted by Dawn on Wed Oct 31 06:51:41 2001 (#11439)

It seems that tv is showing a lot of shows involving child sexual abuse and sexual assaults lately, even in family sitcoms, it is also on the news. Well it floored me last night. I cried, I put away dishes and picked up in the kitchen but I did not cut.

OH HOW I WANTED TO

But I also want surgery on my thumb and I had an appointment with the surgeon today and figured he may not do surgery if I'm doing it on myself, so I didn't cut.

Next week we are going to do the EMDR treatment I spoke about several months ago. I am anxious to do it and be free of mental images of sexual assaults and the feelings surrounding them. But I want to cut, maybe not today, or even tomorrow, but soon.... right now my leg hurts. Physical pain stops me from cutting. I don't know why but it does. Later :-) Dawn

For Dawn
Posted by kae on Wed Oct 31 10:48:27 2001 (#11441)

hi dawn

umm can i just ask how old you are? you say you have children. i havent been on here long enough to work out everyones backgrounds.

sweet az

kae

Re: I didn't cut but it was difficult not to
Posted by sammie on Wed Oct 31 14:51:44 2001 (#11447)

that is good that you have not cut. i know it is hard but keep up the good work. think of happy times and keep talking and being around loved ones. i find when i'am alone and depressed and can not find anyone to talk too is when i cut but finding this post and being able to read about other people and responding to them keeps me sane and from cutting as often.

i'm here for support

sammie

Kae and Sammie
Posted by Dawn on Thu Nov 1 01:15:47 2001 (#11458)

Thank you for your support. It means a lot. I'm crying.

Re: Kae and Sammie
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Nov 1 01:24:27 2001 (#11460)

Dawn, You are an inspiration to me to continue to do better in my life. I haven't had it any where near as bad as you, so I just remember when I'm feeling down that you are one of the strongest people I know, and if you can survive, so can I. Take care, sister! I love ya lots and lots. Love, Rhonda

Re: I didn't cut but it was difficult not to
Posted by KAT on Fri Nov 2 00:06:56 2001 (#11494)

good luck on your treatments Dawn. Im sorry you've got that little pest on your shoulder, the one who's telling you to cut because it'll feel so good. I know, it's tough, hang in there, I know ya can *hugs* love -KAT

ah feck
Posted by jes on Wed Oct 31 14:20:39 2001 (#11445)

i did it again. i was doing so well. not a well as i've done in the past but still good all the same. it was over a week. and b4 that, over 2 weeks. it's like, i do it, scare myself cos i don't want to go down that road again, then i just get all fucked up and scared that i can't cope without it. is that as stupid as it sounds? i can't live like this but i can't change it. i can't do it. there's always something to make it bad again, usually me. i'm a weak, pathetic, useless individual without whom the world would be a better place. feck. love n hugs, jo xx

Re: ah feck
Posted by Amanda on Wed Oct 31 16:28:37 2001 (#11451)

you may feel pathetic, usless ect but you're not. you are an indiviual being who has the right to live in peace and with love in your heart.this right can be clouded by emotion but you must fight for it, it's worth having.

Love Trust and Pixi Dust, Amanda

Re: ah feck
Posted by Dawn on Thu Nov 1 01:26:22 2001 (#11461)

It is tough looking into the future. Our inner eyes get jaded by the present and we panic. And like you did, we go to the sourse we think will make us calm down. I know what that is like, I'm fighting not to give in to the lie. But life goes on Jes, every minute is a fresh start. Hold on to that. I think you are a good person fighting a war of emotions and bad thinking. Think of the best place you've ever been and go there in your mind and find the peace there. Practice that and when the bad times comes maybe you'll go there rather than to your weapons. I love you stay safe... Dawn

Re: ah feck
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Nov 1 01:30:10 2001 (#11462)

Jes, Please believe me, you are not weak, pathetic or useless. You do give something to this board and people do listen to you. Email me if you're feeling bad. I truly do care and worry about you. Take care. Love, Rhonda

ignore me, i talk rubbish, it's a vent s'pose
Posted by jo (jes) on Thu Nov 1 14:34:36 2001 (#11474)

i wish i was as strong as ppl think. as i want to be. maybe i am? i mean, i'm not dead yet am i? but then, just cos i'm not dead, doesn't mean i can cope, or am coping. maybe it just means i'm a coward too. i live only for other ppl, if it was just me i wouldn't.

sorry this is depressing, i just nned to get it out. love n hugs xx

Re: ah feck
Posted by KAT on Fri Nov 2 00:10:25 2001 (#11495)

those feelings suck. Those useless hopeless worthless.....(bad bad) feelings that come in your head and fuck you up. they are doing their job , making you believe all those things, but sweetie Im sure your none of those things. Please take care, we can all start over if we give in, over and over...it doesnt mean we've lost. take care of yourself love KAT

thanks everyone :)
Posted by Erin on Wed Oct 31 22:45:20 2001 (#11455)

thanks to everyone who welcomed me :) I'm from ohio by the way...I think I remember someone saying they're from ohio too...can't remember though..

Re: thanks everyone :)
Posted by *me* on Thu Nov 1 01:15:07 2001 (#11457)

Hey welcome..just checked the boards and was gonna reply to ur first post...but I'm gonna ply to this one instead! This board is a really great place and without it I might not be here. BTW, I'm the one from Ohio. Where abouts are you in it? You don't have to tell if u don't want to. I know I don't like giving away too much PI. Ok well take care and stay safe! Lots of love.

Re: thanks everyone :)
Posted by Erin on Thu Nov 1 02:38:57 2001 (#11464)

I live in a little town that I'm 99.9% certain you haven't heard of....lol its about an hour maybe north of youngstown though...where you from? you can email it to me or something if you'd like. i dont care

Re: thanks everyone :)
Posted by *me* on Sat Nov 3 01:19:54 2001 (#11534)

Hey! Well, I don't think we live in the same town, bc I'm near Cleveland. We're sort of close though. lol.

Lots of love.

Re: thanks everyone :)
Posted by Erin on Sat Nov 3 02:31:53 2001 (#11541)

thats cool...still pretty close though. I'm only like an hour and a half maybe from cleveland. lol

For the new people
Posted by Dawn on Thu Nov 1 01:36:32 2001 (#11463)

At the very top of this page are some things you can use to learn about people. You can set preferences for how far back you want to read posts. You can set up how posts are listed. And you can do searches and type in someones username and read their post back to when they first started posting and you might learn a lot about people you connect with. For instance you can go back and read who I am where I live. what my past has been like, and where I stand spiriually. My old username was overcoming-1. You can find out lots of information if you are interested it knowing more about the people on this board. I better stop or I will get another email or response telling me to stop lecturing. Love to all...Dawn

Re: For the new people
Posted by Erin on Thu Nov 1 02:40:18 2001 (#11467)

thanks for the info. I didnt know all that lol

Re: For the new people
Posted by KAT on Fri Nov 2 02:22:48 2001 (#11509)

Hey Dawn, its kinda wierd. I looked back to my first post and some of my older posts, pretty scary how far I was in depression. ah...its kinda neat to see how people progress over time. Id like to read your first post.
:) love KAT

Currents
Posted by Jen on Thu Nov 1 02:39:54 2001 (#11465)

Secret longing An endless pang The silence echoes Around me As I sit Perched on my bed In my prison cell Here in my parent’s house Drown in the web of lies Spun to protect myself The only thing it succeeded In doing Was entrapping me In this state of Suspension

Obsessing over the little things Gaining some sort of control Over the surrounding and ever-growing Chaos of my mind Denial with every fiber of My being Relinquished nightmares Of disturbed minds And joining them In their bout Of madness

Your eyes betray you Your whispers of faith Of believing me More lies to add to The web that covers me

Another soldier falls Will I be next? Time off requests made And worriedly granted Hushed tones quickly cease Upon the presence of The fallen soldier

Words of encouragement offered Cookies of diversion given Urges to explode in anger The pain seeping from the veins Diverted, forgotten; the void within Momentarily filled

Promises of hope Long forgotten Shattered under the weight Of the enduring silence Acknowledgement is not a part Of this family’s life Shallow explanations Hollow apologies With mirror image Forgiveness

All seems well upon the surface But the current underneath Surges with an anger Yet to be discovered The danger of the current Not known

Tip-toe around Walk on eggshells We all know your Disturbed thoughts Your terrible secrets Lower your sword Unshield yourself We will not harm you False cease-fires called The second your guard drops Attacks will resume

The growing-up process halted By the need to survive The emotional ice age Brought on by unaccepting And the impending silence

The foundation is cracked and leaking Duct tape is carelessly Put up to cover the unsightly Wounds No explanation is demanded None is given Never spoken of are the reasons Nor the currents that rage within

Play your part Memorize your lines Agreement to the destruction Of self A never ending tirade The circle of madness Continues passing through Generations of innocent

Expectations firmly stated Punishments never bearable Prayers lost and unheard By the unseen being

Scars run deep within The veins of the lamb The slip of a sheer Angry red fire pumping From the life of the Defenseless soul

False pretenses Blindly believed The children taking the hand That stole their smiles Protection of the only Normal ever known

Deep down terror lingers Images flash in the minds eye Horrific memories sealed off The mind too fragile To bear the weight Of actualization

Truth known in the soul Refused to be known in the mind A never ending battle Rages inside Control shifted

Self-discovered sixth sense of Physical pains soothing ability Punishing the body so The soul will survive Screams of anger Painted with each slice

Owning the pain as it surges From the veins Given strength with each pump Of the heart Each beat a reminder to breathe Oxygen-the life giving element Spooling the acquired memories The pain continues to seep

Open wounds haphazardly Covered No attention is drawn near To discovery Impending guilt overcomes The impressionable Unspoken demands and Silenced questions

Urges to scream out with each Painful beat of the heart Curbed by the sight Of the paralyzing effect of physical pain On gorged wounds

The unacknowledged current of anger Surges with new found strength And drives itself inward Impaling the heart Like a rusting nail

That was beautiful, Jen
Posted by Marie on Thu Nov 1 15:35:30 2001 (#11476)

I love the way your words flow... beautiful and disconcerting at the same time... I loved your post, I believe it speaks what all of us aren't saying...

Re: That was beautiful, Jen
Posted by Becks on Thu Nov 1 21:41:09 2001 (#11483)

That was amazing! I would love to be able to wirte anything as powerfula ndmeaningful as that! wow!

Re: That was beautiful, Jen
Posted by Becks on Thu Nov 1 21:42:04 2001 (#11484)

That was amazing! I would love to be able to write anything as powerful and meaningful as that! wow!

I've felt that way before, now I'm better
Posted by Dawn on Fri Nov 2 06:17:36 2001 (#11516)

Jen; you write well. Literature professors stress the importance of writing what you know. And you did just that.

I've known that undercurrent, not too many years ago that could have been me you wrote about. But time and a lot of perserverence has brought me to a place where my life is not governed by the current. I hope that one day the same will be true for you:-) Dawn

Currents
Posted by Jen on Thu Nov 1 02:40:05 2001 (#11466)

Secret longing An endless pang The silence echoes Around me As I sit Perched on my bed In my prison cell Here in my parent’s house Drown in the web of lies Spun to protect myself The only thing it succeeded In doing Was entrapping me In this state of Suspension

Obsessing over the little things Gaining some sort of control Over the surrounding and ever-growing Chaos of my mind Denial with every fiber of My being Relinquished nightmares Of disturbed minds And joining them In their bout Of madness

Your eyes betray you Your whispers of faith Of believing me More lies to add to The web that covers me

Another soldier falls Will I be next? Time off requests made And worriedly granted Hushed tones quickly cease Upon the presence of The fallen soldier

Words of encouragement offered Cookies of diversion given Urges to explode in anger The pain seeping from the veins Diverted, forgotten; the void within Momentarily filled

Promises of hope Long forgotten Shattered under the weight Of the enduring silence Acknowledgement is not a part Of this family’s life Shallow explanations Hollow apologies With mirror image Forgiveness

All seems well upon the surface But the current underneath Surges with an anger Yet to be discovered The danger of the current Not known

Tip-toe around Walk on eggshells We all know your Disturbed thoughts Your terrible secrets Lower your sword Unshield yourself We will not harm you False cease-fires called The second your guard drops Attacks will resume

The growing-up process halted By the need to survive The emotional ice age Brought on by unaccepting And the impending silence

The foundation is cracked and leaking Duct tape is carelessly Put up to cover the unsightly Wounds No explanation is demanded None is given Never spoken of are the reasons Nor the currents that rage within

Play your part Memorize your lines Agreement to the destruction Of self A never ending tirade The circle of madness Continues passing through Generations of innocent

Expectations firmly stated Punishments never bearable Prayers lost and unheard By the unseen being

Scars run deep within The veins of the lamb The slip of a sheer Angry red fire pumping From the life of the Defenseless soul

False pretenses Blindly believed The children taking the hand That stole their smiles Protection of the only Normal ever known

Deep down terror lingers Images flash in the minds eye Horrific memories sealed off The mind too fragile To bear the weight Of actualization

Truth known in the soul Refused to be known in the mind A never ending battle Rages inside Control shifted

Self-discovered sixth sense of Physical pains soothing ability Punishing the body so The soul will survive Screams of anger Painted with each slice

Owning the pain as it surges From the veins Given strength with each pump Of the heart Each beat a reminder to breathe Oxygen-the life giving element Spooling the acquired memories The pain continues to seep

Open wounds haphazardly Covered No attention is drawn near To discovery Impending guilt overcomes The impressionable Unspoken demands and Silenced questions

Urges to scream out with each Painful beat of the heart Curbed by the sight Of the paralyzing effect of physical pain On gorged wounds

The unacknowledged current of anger Surges with new found strength And drives itself inward Impaling the heart Like a rusting nail

shit
Posted by Mego on Thu Nov 1 05:18:34 2001 (#11468)

shit. shit. shit. everything is crazy. i cut myself so many times last night, they were so deep. it felt so good! i was up till 2:30 and i just kept thinking about everything. so i cut myself and it all went away. i passed out by 2:45 and slept so hard for the couple hours i had left. i wish i could live with my friend and her brother, theyre like family to me. the other night my mom was drunk again so i went to sleep at their house. tim came and got me and talked my mom into letting me go. god, i love that kid, i think of him as my big brother. i was crying in the car so he pulled over and just held me for a minute or two. it felt so good, i needed that so bad, i still need that, more than i even did that night. i would give anything to be held right now. god, things are just so fuckin complicated, i have so much to think about but i dont want to think about any of it, i just keep putting it off. does anyone know how to help me on that? thinking about things without having to cut? please reply if you do cause i'm running out of room on my stomach and i dont know where else to do it where nobody will find out. help please! god thats pathetic. i cant even think on my own. god, im stupid! i should just stop feeling sorry for myself. thats what my mom said when she found out i was cutting myself the summer i was going into eighth grade "stop feeling sorry for yourself or i'll give you something to be sorry about!" okay, now im rambleing. okay, i think im done.

Re: shit
Posted by jes on Thu Nov 1 14:17:18 2001 (#11472)

hun, you're not feeling sorry for yourself, and it's not stupid, you're just dealing with things the best way you know how. I can't give you a magic way to stop you cutting, all i can say is try to keep busy, when you feel like cutting or think that a situation ur in might make u wanna cut, try to egt outta that place, do someting else, fone a friend i dunno, just something that will let you think but not let you cut. i'm not gonna say it will work 100% of the time, but at least some of it. i hope i've helped, if not, tell me to piss off and take it out on me rather than cutting. i don't mind. :-) love jo xx

Re: shit
Posted by Marie on Thu Nov 1 15:41:54 2001 (#11477)

I'm sorry to hear that you're so stressed... I know it sounds a little strange, but have you tried squeezing ice? It hurts like hell, and sometimes if I do that instead of cutting the urge to cut lessens... I won't lie and say it goes away, but it helps me fight the urge for a little while longer... I've also found that "slashing" myself with a red marker or ink pen helps ease the need to cut too... Umm... another thing I've done (but it's not as easy to find a way to do it) is take a hard back book and go somewhere isolated or at least private and throw the book against the wall, and everytime you throw the book make a statement, yell it out (like, "This is for all the times you said _____!")... I know it sounds weird, but if you can do it it really does help... again, it doesn't make it all better, but it helps to fight the urge for a little longer...

(hug) -Marie

Re: shit
Posted by KAT on Fri Nov 2 00:14:32 2001 (#11496)

SWEETHEART........try writing how you feel and be as mean as you want, but try not to take that hatred for the world out on yourself. I try to help and I love you as a person very much, but I just cant do it alll...Im sorry I dont know what im saying, forget that.
:) just take care of yourself because the world would sure be alot better with you in it , all of us helping each other. take care of yourself love KAT

Re: shit
Posted by Dawn on Fri Nov 2 06:40:15 2001 (#11517)

Hi Mego, I'm Dawn, a 49 year old cutter who has not found a magic pill, or solution yet. But I don't cut as much now as I used to and I have never done it frantically. I've tried the ice, I've tried writing the words on my body, I've tried using a plastic bat and hitting my bed and screaming all the hate out of me, or sometimes using the bat on a tree.

There have been things that really did work for me. The best is writing. If you are afraid someone might see it you can do another thing that is quite helpful and that is to tear the paper to shreds. But there is something in breaking glass that really vents my rage. You can get bottles from your house, trash cans, along road sides and take them to a trash can or better yet a dumpster and use all your angry energy and slam the glass into the container and lister to the explosion, but make sure the glass doesn't fly up in your face of body. It works great for me. Hope you have a better tomorrow...Dawn

Re: Linzee
Posted by concerned on Thu Nov 1 05:37:43 2001 (#11469)

This is just an update to those concerned. I am one. Linzee has been in the hospital for 6 weeks now and has another 2 to go. She is doing much better. She has gone from death to life. She probably has another year of work before her before she returns to a normal teenage girl. Most of the support she has received from this site has been very supportive. I thank you all. Please get professional help for those that need to. It has saved Linzee life. I love her with all my heart but then again I gave birth to her. Thannk you all again for the positive support.

Re: Linzee
Posted by jes on Thu Nov 1 14:22:24 2001 (#11473)

I'm glad she's ok. :-)

Re: Linzee
Posted by Maggie on Fri Nov 2 00:36:07 2001 (#11505)

Thanks for letting us know how she's doing. Please send her my love... we used to chat on MSN. I'm glad she's doing better now. Look after yourself as well.

Maggie.

Re: Linzee
Posted by KAT on Fri Nov 2 02:25:27 2001 (#11510)

thats wonderful, Im glad to hear shes doing well. Keep taking care of her like you are, your a great person. my deepest sympathy-KAT

I will die tonight
Posted by Alana on Thu Nov 1 06:22:17 2001 (#11470)

I will die tonight.

No physically...I'll still be here unfortunately, but emotionally I'm dying right now. I'd say I'm half way there. I'm not who I use to be. I'm a failure. I'm a shame. I won't be coming around anymore, cuz I'll be dead. I'm just going to be a walking zombie, for I feel too much to comprehend.

Thanks to everyone who listened to me. But my soul is dead. I can no longer be "me". I'm gone.

Alana

Re: I will die tonight
Posted by Marie on Thu Nov 1 15:46:02 2001 (#11478)

Alana... I know this is a lot to ask of you, but could you write out what you are feeling... please don't let go of life, we need you here, we need you to still write and let us support you as you support us.... You are precious, and failure is hard to face when you care...

Re: I will die tonight
Posted by lys on Thu Nov 1 23:40:08 2001 (#11489)

I know I haven't been around much recently Alana, I don't have a computer at home. But I remember when I was going through my worst periods ever, and I would say a lot of the same things and mean it, and then I would read a message from you or someone else (I could list the names but it would take too long) and I would want to stop. Just one more day, I would say, because one more day is all there is. One more day, and then we start again. Give it one more day, and then come back. I know how it is to feel like you are drowning, or dying, and nothing can stop it, but just try. So many people count on you.

take care, lyssie

Re: I will die tonight
Posted by KAT on Fri Nov 2 00:17:29 2001 (#11497)

Hopefully Alana, you will come back from the "dead"..the zombie world, I was living there for a short time and I slowly but surely coming back into this world and I am realizing alot more then before when my soul died. when my world crashed....please stay strong through this fucked up shit, because you know its shit hey girl, dont let man bring ya down!!!
:) love ya much sweetheart-KAthryn

why the fuck are we like this?
Posted by kae on Thu Nov 1 10:53:53 2001 (#11471)

fuck it all. life sucks. everyone has too many probs. why the fuck is life like this? think back to fuckin cave men times. they didnt have probs! their biggest probs were getting dinner and not being eaten by the woolly mammoth or tiger or whatever the fuck they had back then. they didnt have counselling sessions, or boyfriend probs, and they didnt cut themselves or think about suicide. why!!??? why are we like this???

modernization, i guess. we got all the new shit and we got all the shit that comes with it. ppl suck. ppl today are different to the old cave dudes. we're soft. thats it. we're soft. cave ppl were hard. they fought to survive, fought for their family, lived hard, worked hard. today, we get everything done for us. cave men had no time to sit and whine about rough times. but we do. we have our food in our freezers, we have our beds made and our roofs above our heads. we dont have to work, we can go on the dole. and we can sit here and think about how terrible life is.

i admit, life is harder in some ways. there is now crime, hate, cruelty, pain, disease....things that werent back with our ol' cave ppl. and we have the time to sit and cry about them.

god. i want to go back in time and just be some cave girl, living for the day, living hard for survival. nothing around me to hurt me emotionally.

anyone follow that? or maybe im already crazy.

luv y'all, kae

you're not crazy
Posted by Marie on Thu Nov 1 15:51:04 2001 (#11479)

We all have a need to escape or we wouldn't be escaping our emotional pain through our physical pain of cutting or SI'ing... I've thought for years that I was born in the wrong time... At least we have this virtual support group to come to... I always visualize it as a comfy room with chairs, cushions and bean-bags in it and a big cozy fire-place all wooden and smelling like a spring rain... Comming here is like walking into a safe house... (or cave... :)

Re: why the fuck are we like this?
Posted by KAT on Fri Nov 2 00:20:08 2001 (#11498)

I think we kinda sometimes make life more harder then it is really intended to be. Things progress over time, thats why we are cutting b/c of problems and thats why the cave men died b/c of starvation.

we all cope w/ things the best way we know how and when they get to out of hand we give up...but none of us have given up. we've all found a hiding spot, (we cut) ..thats our secret little corner we go to be safe from the world please be careful with your life and hang in there, I promise it'll all make sence one day, and if it doesnt....at least you tried. take care *hugs* love KAT

Re: why the fuck are we like this?
Posted by greg on Fri Nov 2 00:35:53 2001 (#11504)

well, yes. you make sense in a woefully inarticulate way. but hey, if we were completely emotionally articulate then we probably wouldnt feel the need to do this shit to ourselves now, would we? i havent cut me self fr almost six months now but im going to tonight. cos things get out of hand/outside of what i can control and weak little piece of shit that i am i need to assert controlover something. looks like thats gonna have to be me. it is stupid, but im sure cave people brayed themselves in the heads from time to time when frustrated. in fact id be disapointed if they didnt fr that matter. every fucker gets so frustrated so impotent feeling in the face of all thats around them that they feel that fuck all they could ever do/say/think could ever be of any significance to anyone or anything. the way i see it theirs only two ways to completely solve this. the first is facile self absorbtion on the grandest scale. talk about boys/girls/you/how youre getting sex/how youre putting on weight/how drunk you were yesterday/ wear far to much make up and be a fucking slag. (that sounds remarkably sexist on glance back) The other is to concede that yr pointless and get on with it all. i tried the later, but after a while the latent ego resurfaces and its all in your fucking face again. i know its in mine and i feel like sucha selfish fuck for it. see, apart from questionably mysogynist comments, this whole thing has just been self indulgent bull...twat. hey, the war against terrorism will go down in the history books as T.W.A.T. yes! theres so much shit in the world but i find my shit so much more intreguing than anyone elses. you wont find me sticking my head down yr bog to inspect your diorhetic feaces in a hurry, madam. well, there you go. please slag me off for this cos im sure alot of it is bollocks, darlings. oh, and add me to your msn contacts list if you have it cos its my main contact with the outside world. well, anyway. you are all lovely, dont do this to yrself. but its always easy for someone else to think/say that, isnt it? Goodbye.

hi, life sucks.
Posted by elle on Thu Nov 1 14:45:27 2001 (#11475)

hi, life sucks and i dont even know why. i broke my good streak. bye ~elle~

Re: hi, life sucks.
Posted by kt on Thu Nov 1 18:53:29 2001 (#11481)

yes it does hope thinks work out for you

~kt

Re: hi, life sucks.
Posted by KAT on Fri Nov 2 00:21:25 2001 (#11499)

well now you can start a whole new streak. Hvae fun and good luck sweetheart. love ya much-KAT

help him he needs help
Posted by STEEPER on Thu Nov 1 17:28:54 2001 (#11480)

i have a m8 and he really wants to kill himself but i dnt believ he wud jump and ive told him u jump i jump and he thinks no1 is gonna miss him someone pls email him and talk to him.

Re: help him he needs help
Posted by D.H on Fri Nov 2 06:53:33 2001 (#11518)

I am sorry to hear about your friend. You message lost a lot and was not clear what email address you wanted the help to go to. I will pray for him. God knows who he is and an angel will be close by no matter what.

i'm sad
Posted by kt on Thu Nov 1 18:58:46 2001 (#11482)

today would have been my brother's b-day but last year he killed himself i wish i could have the guts to do it i'll just keep cutting away

~kt

Re: i'm sad
Posted by KAT on Fri Nov 2 00:24:41 2001 (#11500)

Im sorry..Im having a bad memory anniversary coming up as well. dont focus on that your brother killed himself yet focus on the life he did bring to this world and what great things he accomplished. Im sure he would of wanted it that way,(I hope I havent offended you). Im sorry......take care be strong love KAT

Re: i'm sad
Posted by Dawn on Fri Nov 2 07:02:23 2001 (#11519)

Katie, it is an awful thing to have happened to your brother, but don't take your life too. WE all need you on this board. I know life gets difficult and we have a hard time coping. And anyone who loses family members grieves, so being sad is normal. If I could reach through my tv and give you a hug, a cup of tea, or simply just hold your hand and let you cry on my shoulder I would do it in a heartbeat. Take care of yourself. email me if you'd like to talk....Dawn

you people piss me off.
Posted by deadflower on Thu Nov 1 23:32:11 2001 (#11487)

Well. I left this board for awhile, it was the same thing everyday, life sucks, bla bla blah.

My life does not suck. It's a pathetic useless waste of time.

That's not to say that I want to die or I'm just having fun, I'm not. My life does not suck though.

I still cut, yes I do.

Life is about struggle, without struggle, where would be be, like, as people? ... no where, to say the least. So, deal with it or kill yourself. Sorry I'm so harsh, well, I'm a harsh, bitter person.

but, I've decided something. I'm going to take myself off my anti depressants. I'm going to diagnose myself. No one gives a shit anyways.

and I do need a good kick in the ass, feel free ....

"emily hopeless"

Re: thank you for your opinion
Posted by KAT on Fri Nov 2 00:27:09 2001 (#11501)

Thanks Emily..good luck with your diagnosis analysis. Best of luck to you in this shitty world. sometimes people come here just to belong or just to feel safe, not just to say how much their life sucks. Everyone can say what they want, isnt it wonderful. Im glad youve voiced your opinion, it makes us all feel better when we get stuff off our chests. Take care love-KAT

>>>
Posted by Dawn on Fri Nov 2 07:07:07 2001 (#11520)

:-)....Dawn

ELLA
Posted by lys on Thu Nov 1 23:36:01 2001 (#11488)

I just wanted to respond to what you said to me up there better, but I wanted you to read it...

what personality disorder do you have? I have borderline personality disorder (BPD). And I have been on MANY medications before, but none actually worked.

Anyways, take care, lyssie

self injury... i need help stopping
Posted by cutting girl on Thu Nov 1 23:46:04 2001 (#11491)

hey everyone. i'm 14 years old and live in new york. I have been cutting my self for bout 2 years now and i finually asked for help. But i dont think its enough. My parents dont even know that i do it. I feel like i'm the only one out there that does this even though i know i'm not. I'm asking you guys to help me. Maybe you have already been through this and won. You could help me do the same. Please try and help me Thanx Allison aka Cutting girl

Re: self injury... i need help stopping
Posted by KAT on Fri Nov 2 00:30:09 2001 (#11502)

Hi sweetheart, thats a great thing you did by asking your parents for help.IM sure they are pretty scared and they dont know what to do. A good thing to start doing would be to find a good therapist , one that you like and trust with your depest secrets or maybe even just how life is going. They might suggest to you to see another doctor for medicine. Anti-depressants are wonderful drugs if you use them right and find one that is best for you. I had to try two diff kind before I found one that worked for me. take care , hang in there. tough times come around but with strenght we can all manage to get through. love KAT

Re: self injury... i need help stopping
Posted by Mego on Fri Nov 2 05:10:55 2001 (#11514)

Hey, I'm going to be 15 on Tuesday so we're close to the same age, we've been cutting for about as long, too. I still cut, I just found this website a week ago, I think. The peolpe on here are really great, they help so much. I don't know what to tell you on trying to get help, this is the first time I've really talked to anyone about it, on this website. I just want you to know that thats awesome that you're getting help and I totally respect you for that. Good luck.

Re: self injury... i need help stopping
Posted by Dawn on Fri Nov 2 07:24:53 2001 (#11521)

Allison, hope I spelled your name right. I am Dawn, the oldest cutter on this board as far as I know, I'm 49. Don't hold that against me please. To be honest I am fighting back tears. You are so young, Mego too. I'm glad you are getting help and have seen enough talk shows and sitcoms that bring self injury to the light of day to understand that your parents may not be handling this well.

From the time my oldest daughter was 5 years old she threatened to kill herself. I didn't take it seriously until I found her in her bedroom with a sharp knife at her wrists and could tell she was pondering what it would be like. Then I knew I had to get her help.

My friend, from here, Kat, gave some very good advise. Find a therapist who will listen and guide you through your pain, and not one who thinks they know what your needs are without even hearing the why's behind the cutting. I don't believe any of us do it for no reason.

Stopping is harder for me than it is for you because you haven't been doing it long. I've been at it since 1989. But I don't do it much anymore.

If you want to talk, email me and I'll do the best I can. Its totally up to you.

Re: self injury... i need help stopping
Posted by Erin on Fri Nov 2 23:52:17 2001 (#11533)

hey..I'm around your age too..I'm 15 and my parents dont know about my cutting either. I've been doing it for almost 8 months I think and I'm surprised they still haven't found out. if you want, you can IM me or email me or something...my sn is up above. :)

Re: self injury... i need help stopping
Posted by Cutting Girl on Thu Nov 8 21:49:49 2001 (#11748)

hey its allison again... i told my school consuler who i am very close with wednesday that myslef.....i havent had the courage to tell my parents yet though. Maybe in time i'll get there. I'm now seeing my conusler on a regualr basis...talking bout this and doing acticites with her. i havent cut in bout a week which is the longest time i have ever gone without cutting.... KAT- thanx for your advise.... Mego- thats wierd that were almost the same age and have been cutting for the same amount of time.. thanx so much for being there.. Dawn- You were alot of help. I know can see it through a parents eyes. I will get the courage to tell my parents and i hope the take it some what like you did. thenx for veing there Erin- hey thanx for being there .. it really means alot to me to know you guys took your time out of your day and talked to me. If you guys have aol or aim.. im me some time.. my screen name is piggybear05 thanx bye

happy samhain!!!
Posted by lys on Thu Nov 1 23:48:48 2001 (#11492)

well, belated (it was actually yesterday). I am checking in again... I am doing pretty good. I have to see my therapist tomorrow. I am going to tell her that I will see the shrink. I think that I can decide about meds better if I know what ones and why and everything. I should keep informed. Anyways, I will write again soon.... take care, lyssie

Re: happy samhain!!!
Posted by KAT on Fri Nov 2 00:31:14 2001 (#11503)

take care of yourself. oh and by samhain..do you mean the guy from MisFits, Im confused...sorry hehe
:) love ya much *hugs* KAT

Re: happy samhain!!!
Posted by Dawn on Fri Nov 2 07:28:45 2001 (#11522)

Good to see you back, and good to hear you are doing better. We've been worried about you.:)Dawn

Re: happy samhain!!!
Posted by lys on Sun Nov 4 00:22:34 2001 (#11557)

lol... samhain is a wiccan holiday that I celebrate... take care of yourself, lyssie

KAT ur lovely
Posted by greg on Fri Nov 2 00:51:56 2001 (#11506)

Ive read through most of the messages here and it seems that pretty much everyone has recieved a lovely lovely reply from kat, who ever she is. It seems that she is either the sole person on the planet who still has access to the fabled sunshine acid of california or she is the most naturally lovely lovely person in the world. who the hell do you manage to be so nice? Thats not a criticism, btw. its great that someone has taken the time just to reassure everyone and be nice. a big big hug to you from me. yr cheerful disposition has realy brightened me up. thanx.

Re: thank you much
Posted by KAT on Fri Nov 2 01:08:32 2001 (#11507)

wow....such nice words, (how do I accept a compliment?). Thank you Greg, thank you for re assuring me that my posts of hope dont go un-noticed. The truth is we all do it, (almost all the time). In each post all of us on here make, I notice at the end a little take care of lots of love....things like that just set the mood for a good day.I've posted here a while and I know how much it means to me when someone replies to me when Im in desperate need of help or love. Anyway, thanks again for making me have a good day. I was beginning to think things were going downhill from here. The posts latetly havent looked very hopefull and its kind of frustrating( im sure to all of us) to not be able to physically help another, or to know the exact thing to say. Anyway.......ahhh Lots of love. Take care all. -KAT

Re: KAT ur lovely
Posted by jes on Fri Nov 2 13:22:54 2001 (#11527)

i agree, u must be one of those ppl who can make someone feel better just bye saying hi! take care, love n hugs, jo xx

Thanks
Posted by Mego on Fri Nov 2 01:34:48 2001 (#11508)

Thanks so much everyone. I don't know what I'm going to do but I haven't cut for about a day, which is pretty good for me. Does anyone know if stores sell nicotine patches to kids or do you have to be eighteen?

Deep Dark Secrets
Posted by KAT on Fri Nov 2 02:57:13 2001 (#11511)

Hi everyone, I'm really confused and don't know what to do. I'll tell you my problem and you see if you can help me with it. Okay so I write poems, I have probably over 300. They are all very very dark and suicidal, some suicide nots, some eulogy's of my funeral. Just real personal things that I wouldnt want anyone to read EVER.(some written in blood). So I told my therapist thats a way for me to release all the HATE I have inside and maybe I can let it go and move away from my past.

She wants me to bring in my poems so we can sort them out and see what my true feelingsinside really are (since I dont seem to know I guess). Although when she reads them Im sure she'd freak out and send me away to some hospital( I will go directly to a long term treatment "next time") I've already told her that I dont feel comfortable with anyone reading them but me, thats why when My mom read a few I freaked out (led to second hospital visit for Jessica). Im scared, she's really pushing the idea of her reading my deepest inner thoughts anf eelings and Im just really afraid of what she will think and/ or do. what do you think I should do? If you dont know thats okay, you dont have to respond..Im just really confused. ah theres so much I want to type but I will spare you all from the pits of my own hell. Thanks alot. Love you all *hugs*-KAT

Re: Deep Dark Secrets
Posted by Mego on Fri Nov 2 04:56:43 2001 (#11512)

Okay, I don't trust therepists anyway because I don't think it's any of their business what's happening in people's lives but if I were you I wouldn't let her read them. I've got a million of poems like that in my room, all hidden. My mom read some too and freaked out, that's how she found out when I started cutting myself, a couple summers ago. My thoughts are that your therepist is going to freak out and treat you like you're crazy (which you're not) and send you away somewhere. I've never been in a hospital for this yet but I don't think it would be somewhere I would want to go. I might be wrong but I don't think you should show her.

Re: Deep Dark Secrets
Posted by Dawn on Fri Nov 2 07:43:34 2001 (#11523)

Kat, you know me. So I don't need to go into a lot of dialogue as if we've never talked. I write, well at least I used to.And I kept my journals in notebooks. Several times I took my journal that I was working on at the time, or my offender file with me, and instead of my therapist going throuh them I read her some of the entries. By doing that I retained control which is a big issue with cutters.

You may be quite surprised when you read through old stuff that entries can seem to have been written today, or better yet demonstrate how much progress you have made. My guess is a little of both will play out and the two of you will do some real work in your recovery.

I know it feels scary, I could hear that in your post. I can not take that fear away, but you know who can. Talk to Him, he knows you best and what kind of help you need. Love and lots of Hugs...Dawn

Re: Deep Dark Secrets
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Nov 3 01:48:51 2001 (#11535)

Tara writes poems also. A lot of hers are very dark and scary, to me. And a few are even written with blood smears all around them. They scared me when she showed them to me, but by then, I didn't freak out at stuff like that. Dr. Gilbert also wanted to read them so she took some in one time. He told her they were very good and to keep writing if it helped her. I don't think she took all of them, but she did pick out some very dark ones. You might try picking out a few for your mom to read that are not the really, really dark ones. Maybe those won't freak her out. They might also help her understand your pain better. If you ever want to talk, you know where to email me. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: Deep Dark Secrets
Posted by the boy in the bubble on Sun Nov 4 01:20:22 2001 (#11558)

hi i'm back i write songs about depression suicide si etc and some of them we are using for our band although my bandmates don't copletly understand them (they don't know i cut but, they know i'm on anti depressants) i have shown my most personal ones and have been told that they wouldn't be suitable i find it helps to show these things to people. even if they don't understnad at all someone else is reading. that helped me through some quite bad bits.

have fun and stay beautiful

waking up is harder when you wanna die

suicide
Posted by Mego on Fri Nov 2 05:05:37 2001 (#11513)

A couple hours ago I almost slit my wrists. It was like I wasn't myself. I had gotten in a fight with my mom because she was drunk again and I went upstairs and got out my razor to cut myself. I took it and it was like I wasn't even there. I was listening to Papa Roach and all of a sudden it was just the music and me and nothing else. Last Resort is my favorite song, but this time when I listened to it I thought of how great it would be to actually kill myself, like the song talks about. I was laughing, God, I don't know how I could have been laughing, and I had the razor on my wrist. I started to push down when I heard my brother screaming downstairs and all of a sudden the lights seemed to get brighter and I just snapped out of it or something, it sounds like a movie or a book or something that I wouldn't watch. It was so insane. It scared me afterwards, mostly how I was laughing. How could I have been laughing right then? Has this ever happened to anyone and does anyone know if it will happen again because I didn't like it at all. It was nice, for there to be nothing in the world but me and my favorite song, but thinking of what I almost did scares me. Someone please write back.

laughing and cutting = disociating
Posted by Dawn on Fri Nov 2 08:02:19 2001 (#11524)

Mego, sweety: I am a Christian and have listen to pretty much only Christian music since 1982. In 1989 I had a major mental breakdown and wanted to die, but not really, after trying many things I settled on using scissors to cut my left arm. One day I was playing my favorite tape with singing with it and being lost in the spirit of communion with God, when all of a sudden I become aware that I was methodically cutting my arm the whole time. My therapist told me is is disociating, or splitting, which was what I had down when my mother beat me and when men and boys raped me or molested me.

It is common. It is listed in the diagnostic manuel shrinks use to diagnose certain disorders like post-traumatic-stress disorder, borderline personality disorder.

To stop that from ocurring again I quit listening to Christian music and going to church because I did not want to descreat the House of God. But the good news is I'm listening to Christian music again and as soon as my sleeping schedule gets back to normal I will go to church again. But the last time I went I started having suicidal thoughts, but rather than run home, I went forward for prayer and told the preacher what I was thinking. When I got home I didn't even cut. Hope that helped...Dawn

Re: suicide
Posted by jes on Fri Nov 2 13:32:16 2001 (#11528)

hey,

I dunno if it's the same thing but, sometimes, when I cut, it's like there's nothing else outside the room I'm in, and the music I'm listening to. I don't laugh, i normally just kinda sit there in this zombie like state. Mny a time have i done that, been there, and nearly killed myself. Like I said, I don't know if it's the same or not (anyone able to tell me wot it is?) but i just thought i'd say just in case it is similar or what. take care, love n hugs, jo xx

Re: suicide
Posted by KAT on Sun Nov 4 16:17:55 2001 (#11574)

well ALOT of times after I cut or hurt myself, I will smile a huge smile. I dont know why and it seems real odd, but your not alone. Im sooooooooo so oso soooooosoossosos glad your still here, please..you cant control what other people do. Dont let your mothers problems bring you down honey. love ya much-KAT

does anyone remember me?
Posted by elle on Fri Nov 2 05:59:45 2001 (#11515)

i havent been here in so long, wheres all?

*me* how are you? write me sometime. i will IM u.

anyone else? i miss you guys. i went so long no cuts and now irelapsed. I kinda had this wierd dream/flashback/panicattack thing and i cut to get it to leave and before i could remember what i was remembering i cut and made it go away and then dealing with it in therapy was bad cause it made me so mad that i couldnt just be strong enough to deal with it that i hated myself and my first reaction was to cut again and that reaction made me hate myself which made me want to cut and i wish the cycle would end.

Re: does anyone remember me?
Posted by sara on Sat Nov 3 03:59:42 2001 (#11545)

i remember you, though i rarely posted :-) but i hope all is well...sara

ELLE
Posted by jue on Sat Nov 3 08:39:43 2001 (#11551)

hey...yes i certainly remember you sweetheart. i went for a long time without cutting and now have just relapsed...*sigh* i missed you though. i e-mailed you a few times...Did you get them? hope everything is all right.

take care...julie

Re: does anyone remember me?
Posted by KAT on Sun Nov 4 16:19:50 2001 (#11575)

Hi Elle.....Im sooo sorry you relapsed, but I know youve been down this road before. Starting over doesnt mean anything but starting over. Good luck to you, love-KAT

dum de dum
Posted by kae on Fri Nov 2 10:03:43 2001 (#11525)

u know that feeling when ur wrists just seem to be itching to be cut? like, the skin is tingling and crying "i want a fuckn blade!"

im really trying not to cut. im not very successful. ive never cut my thighs before but yesterday i did. its pretty convenient, nobody sees my damn thighs and you still get the relief. i was able to work for hours after i did it.....got lots of my assignment done, the one i was totally stuck with the day before. doesnt make cutting a good thing tho. ITS NOT A GOOD THING.

i posted on here a while back, talkin about how i'd just emailed our school counsellor. i told her what i'd gotten myself into, how i was scared i couldnt stop, and that i wasnt able to stop it by myself. i waited all week for a reply, or a message to go to her office for a session. but nothing. i didnt get a message. i didnt even get a fucking reply. this bitch hates me, i know it. she dont believe im genuine, she thinks im playing games, tryin to get attention. well fuck u, bitch. it makes me wanna lose it, completely fuckin lose it and slice myself so bad.....she'd hear about it, she'd b fuckin sorry. but thats dumb. thats play talk. anywayz ive got enuf fuckn scars to put up with. fuck her. she aint worth it.

heheheheh i seem to get angrier with every post.

the new zealand girl.....luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: dum de dum
Posted by KAT on Sun Nov 4 16:23:34 2001 (#11577)

KAE! I know that feeling your talking about. I sometimes carry razors w/ me to school/*places*. but it just makes me feel better to know I have it, that way when I ghet home I dont go completely insane and slice myself to little pieces ya know sweetie. Im not saying carry a blade with ya...I dont know what Im saying sorry.
:( anyway.....theres alot of counselors out in this world, that Im so sure would love to help you. So one didnt work out its okay hun, find a better one. I did it a couple times. once you find theone you can talk to things will go smooith, I HOPE...for your sake. take care PLEASE! *hugs* love ya much-KAT

Alana......?
Posted by kae on Fri Nov 2 11:22:15 2001 (#11526)

i hope shes alright. okay, i dont know her. ive never met her and probably never will, seeing as i live in new zealand and she lives in usa. i think? but shes suffering, and its incredibley sad that she believes she has died emotionally.

alana. i hope you're gettng help in some form. my nana has alzheimers. she is dead mentally and emotionally. i cant imagine what thats like for her, but on the outside shes almost a vegetable. she just sits now, just sits and stares. shes half the size she was a few months ago. shes going downhill all the time. that, alana, is being mentally dead. think of what u have. u have a brain, i can tell by the way you express yourself. you have a good sixty of so years ahead of u. you are a unique human being and there are lots of people that care so much about u.

all i can suggest is that you take another path. try changing your life by doing little things like joining a club, going to a gym, getting a new job, anything. small changes can have a huge impact on how u see life. u can meet new ppl. u could even save up and go on a tour around the world - a self discovery tour. corny, i know. but still, anything, ANYTHING is better than being dead and having the world go on without you.

think about it.

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: ToAlana
Posted by KAT on Sun Nov 4 16:25:46 2001 (#11578)

I am so worried about Alana, if you are reading this (Alana) I love ya!. I really hope things get better for you...It seems you've fallen so deep into this shit that you cant find your way out. I couldnt find my way out either but I had help. Maybe if you had some help you can beat it,please try. we ALL love you like everyones said before,all of you. Please stay strong..even when it seems shit is useless..its not. hugs and much love to you -KAT

Good reasons?
Posted by jes on Fri Nov 2 13:41:25 2001 (#11529)

Yesterday, I got to thinking and it occured to me that, when we cut, there's always a good reason and when someone sees the cuts, we can always come up with an excuse for how they got there or how it was just a one off and it'll never happen again. But, doesn't that also mean we should be able t find equally good reasons NOT to cut? I've tried it before, and sometimes it works. i sit and think of the repercussions cutting might have, i think about how much it hurts my friends when they see I've let them down again, or how much it'd upset my family if they found out. Now I'mnot saying that this is a permanent 'cure' for SI or even that it'll always work, but it's worth a try sometimes isn't it? Even if it just stops one 'session' then it's a step in the right direction. plz tell me ur thoughts on this, even the bad ones. love n hugs, jo xx

wow........
Posted by jes on Fri Nov 2 13:47:29 2001 (#11530)

that actually sounded like hope coming from my terminally pessimistic brain! i must be going soft! lol

Re: wow........
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Nov 3 01:54:16 2001 (#11537)

Sounds good to me jes. Hope you're doing okay.Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: wow........
Posted by Dawn on Sat Nov 3 08:09:48 2001 (#11549)

It does work, Jes. Many times I've made it through the storm, by thinking about seeing my granddaughter, a doctor, or a friend who cared enough not to ask me simply how I was, but who took my hands in her's with such warmth, then turned them over to check out my arms for fresh wounds.

Sometimes there were stitches and she'd put her arm around me and hold me.

Thank you Jes, for bringing that memory up. Its a good one.:-) Dawn

Re: wow........
Posted by KAT on Sun Nov 4 16:28:16 2001 (#11579)

lol.....sweetheart, I have cut so many times and when I look back on it it is the most stupid reasons in the world. Mainly b/c I was on some kind of drug and I just got all depressed......things dont always seem so good after wards ya know. Im realllllly glad your loooking at things positively...keep it up Its an encouragment for me ,,it really is hun. love ya muhc-KAT

Re: wow........
Posted by Emm on Mon Nov 5 16:06:41 2001 (#11632)

I can understand that babes yeah,thats great, glad to see things are becoming clearer hun. Sorry if i've not paid much attention lately babe,i've been so wrapped up in Brian i know,i'm sorry just excited(lol ;) ) I love you ALWAYS URS Emm xxx

i'm back
Posted by Tara on Fri Nov 2 18:29:33 2001 (#11531)

hey guys,

sounds as if a lot of you are in pain.i wish i was able to come here and help a lot more like my mom.i wish you all the best of luck.i only hope and pray that you all can be happy like i am one day soon.i am doing better than i expected.i have very low standards still about myself.i have moved out on my own well not really on my own.i live with 2 guy and a girl.justin,joel and amber are their names.justin and i are together.we have been for almost a month now.he treats me really good.lets just say that i think that he is the one for me.we talk about everything and i can tell him about my self mutilation and he does not make fun of me or even call me names.he is always there for me and understands how i feel.i don't know mabye i am getting my hopes up to much.when we are both together we are inseperable from one another.he does little things that just sweep me off my feet.for example,he won't let me pay for any bills or gas because he wants to take care of me.he said that i should not have to work.he makes me so happy.i am glad that i found him.well i have to go now.have things i need to go do.take care of yourselfs.you can be happy just like i am.

LOVE YA LOTS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

Re: i'm back
Posted by Amanda on Fri Nov 2 18:52:26 2001 (#11532)

tara thats great, you sound really happy and in turn that makes me feel better, it shows that happyness can come from a life of SI. i hope you and justin stay together as it sounds like he makes you happy. good luck.

Love Trust and Pixi Dust Amanda

Re: i'm back
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Nov 3 01:56:45 2001 (#11538)

So Tara, when am I gonna get to meet Justin?!!! Just kidding. Enjoy your steak tomorrow. Love ya honey. MOM

Re: i'm back
Posted by KAT on Sun Nov 4 16:30:11 2001 (#11580)

thats soo awsome Tara.....Im so glad things are working out for you. We love ya to pieces, you know t .
:) Thanks for the enoucraging words...they helped alot (for me right now). I hope ya check in w/ ua more often I like to hear good news. take care and be safe. love always -KAThryn

I'm new here
Posted by JeSs on Sat Nov 3 01:57:25 2001 (#11539)

Hello everyone. I don't know where to start. I don't know why I do this. Here's my story...I have a wonderful home life, get a little below average grades, and am very athletic and what most would call "popular" However, there is this other side of me that won't let myself show my tears. That is the side that hides scars under my clothes. I don't know why I am here....maybe for help, or for understanding....but thank you all for listening.

Re: I'm new here
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Nov 3 02:04:26 2001 (#11540)

Hi JeSs, I'm Rhonda.This is such a good place to come and just talk or rant and rave. I'm a mom who comes here to help others who have no adult to talk to. My daughter cuts and that is how I got started doing this. If you ever want to talk or just vent some, email me. I'm here most evenings. Again, welcome to the board. You'll find a lot of support here. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: I'm new here
Posted by Erin on Sat Nov 3 02:35:26 2001 (#11542)

hey. I'm new here too. I think I'm here for understanding and help also. I'm 15 and from ohio by the way. maybe we're close to age or something

JeSs
Posted by diana on Sat Nov 3 05:08:56 2001 (#11547)

ey yo.. i jus wanted to kno how old u r..? n wuts u'r email addy?--cuz u sound a lot like me

Re: I'm new here
Posted by ashley on Sun Nov 4 06:36:41 2001 (#11567)

i know all to well what you mean. im not very good at helping people, but i try, cos i know just how they feel. if you ever need someone to talk to, or just be stupid with, email me. luff, ashley

Re: I'm new here
Posted by JeSs on Sun Nov 4 16:22:12 2001 (#11576)

Thank you guys so much for all the kindness I have been shown. Rhonda, just from reading the posts on here, I realize that you are truly an angel. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there to help all these people...most of who are worse off than I am. And to the girls who have responded, you are all beautiful, caring people. By the way, I am a 16 year old high school junior. I would rather not post my addy on here for fear of someone I know seeing it. My cutting is still a secret to everyone. But if I need it, I won't hesitate to e-mail you guys. Hope you have a wonderful day...and *smile* for me. Love, JeSs

Re: I'm new here
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Nov 5 02:03:50 2001 (#11617)

Thank you for the kind words,JeSs. If you feel comfortable enough, email me and give me your email. I like to email cards to people to give them laughs sometimes. Ask Dawn! I try to make her laugh every week or so. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: I'm new here
Posted by KAT on Sun Nov 4 16:31:51 2001 (#11581)

*hugs* Jess...I understand, I really do..I promise. Im glad you've come here but Im sorry about the circumstances on which youve came here. be safe and talk anytime you feel anything good or bad, we'll all listen anxiously. love -KAT

If there was a medal for being stupid I'd get it
Posted by Dawn on Sat Nov 3 02:47:44 2001 (#11543)

Pardon my language Linda, and whoever else puts me on a pedestal, but I feel so fucking stupid, I could slit my throat.

My daughter, the trucker, called and said she was getting a tattoo. then she mentioned where the trucking company's yard was, and bam, I could see myself being raped at the same corner, I was so fucking stupid back then. It is only by the Grace of God I am alive.

I, had ran away from home, for the 9th (and last time) and had been living on the street for 4 months. So many times I'd meet some guy who seemed real nice and he'd ask where I was staying and I'd tell him no where and he'd say, "If you will cook and clean house you can stay with me." And the stupid ass that I was believed him.

Some time in the middle of the night he'd come in the room he said I could have. Shit I was so stupid. Why didn't I learn the first time, or even the first dozen times it happened?

Stupid, I was so naive, so trusting, so friendly, and so gullible.

I want to start cutting and not quit till I am so ugly, no one will ever touch me again.

I know its all in the past, and that I have a boyfreind who is almost 66, and he is ok with having a nonsexual relationship with me even though I am so comfortable with him I can change clothes in front of him or run around the house naked and he doesn't touch me.

But he's special. Other men are not. I'm almost getting agorphobic, afraid the same kind of guys are out there. Its on the news, its in sitcoms. I'm not stupid now. I'm just afraid.

Well I've gone was utter anger at myself to fear. Fear is present, anger, shame and saddness fill my head with flashbacks one after another. I relive every day of those 4 months. I don't want to. I hit my head with both hands trying to get them to stop.

Want to hear a funny story?.... I was wigged out. I'd given my scissors to a neighbor so the hospital wouldn't send me to the mental hospital AGAIN and I was frantic... then right nest to my hand was my phone. I picked it up and started beating my head with the handset....then an automated voice broke through, "please hang up and try again." so I did.

Paul was here but was going home. I told him I wanted him to go because I don't cut when he is here. He interupted me the last time I cut, but he didn't know it until later when I told him.

I have to keep typing or I will wig out for sure. I want to cut every where. But the tumor on my right thumb get stuck in the handle, and I'm not so good with my left hand.

I'm looking all around me. there are bears of all shapes and sizes hanging on walls, sitting on bookcases, a big orange smiley face with hands and arms my oldest daughter brought me. And my hot pink boinga, a ball of fur with arms and legs on an elastic string, and when it is bounsed the sound it makes is boinga. My life is good. My apartment is mine. I don't have to be raped to have a place to sleep. I'm not stupid anymore.... just in pain....so much pain........

I AM BETTER. VENTING HELPS
Posted by Dawn on Sat Nov 3 04:09:47 2001 (#11546)

There is nothing better than venting using words to get the pain out into the air and out of my mind and body to help me get back on track and look at my life for what it is now and not what it was 30 years ago. Sure I had to marry an alcoholic and deal with him for 16 years before I made some pivotal changes in my life. But he got me off the street and gave me a home and time to grow up. And there were good times and bad times and worse time...the way life is. And now I'm safer, and mentally ill, but winning the battle a little more every day.

Thank you all for caring about each other. It helps just knowing you're out there in cyber space, makes the bad times better. :-) Dawn

Re: I AM BETTER. VENTING HELPS
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Nov 4 02:19:32 2001 (#11561)

Dawn, I'm glad the venting helps. I hope you get to feeling better. Sorry I haven't written. Been real busy helping my grandparents. I'll try to email you on sunday sometime. Love ya lots. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: I AM BETTER. VENTING HELPS
Posted by KAT on Sun Nov 4 16:35:41 2001 (#11582)

Dawn, I really do hope you mean it when you say your feeling better b/c I care and wouldnt want anything to go haywire. You know!? Your a big part of things here (at least for me) and I do enjoy and cherise every little card you send me (I really do). Im so sorry you've had to put up with such a fucked up life!!! Im sorry to say it but you know it sounds reall fucked up...but Now your here and i hope things get better. Please stay safe, any way you know how. i love ya much *huuuuuuuggggggggsssssssss* -KAT

venting is helpful....
Posted by lys on Sun Nov 4 20:38:49 2001 (#11594)

I really don't know what to say.... I mean, I have never been on the streets. I have lived through hell though too. It seems to me that whatever happened had to have happened for a reason, to make you be the person you needed to be to make things better for someone else. And to make a future. I don't think it was stupidity the brought you too those mens houses, but necessity. It probably saved your life. On the streets you could have been killed. At least you are able to share your pain.

Thank you All for your reading my posts
Posted by Dawn on Sun Nov 4 22:07:29 2001 (#11597)

In my head I know my past was not about being STUPID. It was about being a victim of men who prey on innocence. Thank you all for reading my post and responding in kindness. I appreciate it.... Love and Hugs

Just so you know....I did die
Posted by Alana on Sat Nov 3 03:54:28 2001 (#11544)

I died. I'm dead. Everything I ever felt - gone in one night. The pain that lives within was just too much and it killed me in everyway possible. Unfortunately I'm still breathing.

No words of encouragement from me anymore. There's nothing to be encouraged about. Nothing ever gets better, nothing ever changes, and nobody will ever love me. But thats alright now, cuz I can't love back...I'm dead.

Re: Just so you know....I did die
Posted by kae on Sat Nov 3 05:17:01 2001 (#11548)

i dont know what to say. i dont think i can say anything, because you feel so strongly about not feeling anything. (does that make sense?)

i just hope the people around you can see whats happening and do something. soon.

luv 'n hugz, kae

Alana, just so you know, we all care for you
Posted by Dawn on Sat Nov 3 08:33:26 2001 (#11550)

Alana, I know what dead felt like. Growing up I could not feel unless I was beat, raped, beaten, raped... or in church where I could cry without being beaten until I stopped. I tried drugs, alcohol, and marriage, but I could not take in love and I could not give love. The breaking point was when I stopped trying and asked for professional help. Its been tough, I won't lie to you. Years went by and every day I wanted to die, because the road was too long and too hard. Today was one of those days. And here I am. And I will be here tomorrow, because I can love and be loved, because I've learned. I am not what happens to me. I am not the things others have told me I was. I am not what others did to me. I am not my pain, but I have pain, and yes the road is long and at times I want to quit, but there is something, someone inside me that won't let me quit.

Alana, don't give into your feelings, trust the people on this board who care about you, and everyone else. None of us wants anyone to die. So please keep holding onto whatever it is inside that keeps you coming back even when you feel dead. We care, I care.. I wish I could take you in my arms and hold you until you could feel my love for you... Dawn

Re: Alana, just so you know, we all care for you
Posted by kae on Sat Nov 3 10:18:45 2001 (#11553)

dawn, that was beautiful.

Re: Just so you know....I did die
Posted by KAT on Sun Nov 4 16:37:47 2001 (#11583)

Alana.....just think from here ou can only get better. Think positively, I know that might seem hard, to even think about anything. But I hope you find your way out of the shit hole you've fallen in. Ive been there (believe it or not). I think alot of us have, Im sorry your having to go through this. be safe and take care we all wanna hear from you good/bad anything just hear from you often. Love ya much*HUGS AND HUGS* -KAT

i just got it wrong
Posted by jue on Sat Nov 3 08:48:17 2001 (#11552)

i don't know...the feelings i tried so hard to overcome are back. i never thought i would feel this way again. different situation, same feelings, different people, same feelings, different scars, same feelings. i thought this would change. HOW DO I HAVE IT ALL WRONG...i am so scared i don't want to feel the refuge in the blade. i don't want to have these feelings, but HOW do i get rid of them? HOW can i change so that they won't come back?

here's a quote that's cool, so this post isn't entirely depressing.

"Words on the wind, when they're calling you in, the words have no meaning when the thoughts have no feelings." ~D. Williams

take care...julie

Re: i just got it wrong
Posted by KAT on Sun Nov 4 16:39:53 2001 (#11584)

Julie.....those intrucive thoughts wanna hurt you. Dont listen to them( I know easier said then done). Im on medicine called seroquel that does that exact thing, it makes the thoughts dissapear and me not listen to them. maybe some meds might help, otheriwse youve just gotta seperate what you know is wrong thoughts and turn them away. love ya much, feel better-KAT

Girl, Interrupted
Posted by kae on Sat Nov 3 10:26:54 2001 (#11554)

i have the video of girl, interrupted. i just finished watching it again. its such an amazing movie, so moving and so honest. and i love angelina jolie in it - shes brilliant. thats probably because she suffered depression herself. she used to be an SI-er, too. see, nobodys perfect. even superstars hurt.

theres this song, just released in new zealand so its probably been in the usa for a while. theres a line that goes "even heroes have the right to bleed...." its beautiful.....it says a lot.

we are all beautiful people. yes, we suffer, but then but who doesnt? WE CAN HEAL.

we WILL heal. we just have to TRY.

luv 'n hugz to y'all....kae

PS: if u havent seen girl, interrupted yet, SEE IT.

Re: Girl, Interrupted
Posted by jes on Sat Nov 3 17:15:41 2001 (#11555)

I've seen it......it's soo cool! I love it1 Abd Angelina Jolie takes the part so well. She actually had me convinced, maybe I'm gullible? lol take care, love n hugs, jes xx

Re: Girl, Interrupted
Posted by *me* on Sat Nov 3 19:22:47 2001 (#11556)

I love that movie, too. What song is that? Who sings it? i've never heard it, i don't think.

Re: Girl, Interrupted
Posted by jue on Sun Nov 4 02:25:26 2001 (#11562)

haven't seen the movie but the book is absolutely incredible. it is a true story. it is really fascinating and i related to it so well.

Re: Girl, Interrupted
Posted by kae on Sun Nov 4 09:10:05 2001 (#11570)

that song is called 'its not easy being me'. anyway im pretty sure thats what its called! i think its by a group called superman....but i could b wrong, i dont pay much attention to the radio. its my fave song at the mo....so beautiful!!!

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: Girl, Interrupted
Posted by Emma on Mon Nov 5 16:10:54 2001 (#11633)

Yeah that film sounds really good, i havent seen it yet tho,i gotta see that. I love Angelina Jolie shes great, heheh ;) lol, ignoreme.. love emm xxx

hello again
Posted by the boy in the bubble on Sun Nov 4 01:56:22 2001 (#11559)

hi everyone i thought i'd just give a quote from an album which has just made me feel better and has proved that i have spent £9.99 well

Ben Folds - Still Fighting It

Everybody knows it sucks to grow up

i love that line apart from that i'm having a pretty shit time at the moment i've been cutting a lot and had a few serious suicide thoughts. fortunatly i had a good internet friend who listened to me (thanks)

have fun and stay beautiful

i wanna die, die in the summertime

Re: hello again
Posted by jes on Sun Nov 4 02:10:38 2001 (#11560)

hey, sorry to hear that ur feeling bad again, but at least you have someone to talk to. :-) take care, love n hugs, jes xx

Re: hello again
Posted by KAT on Sun Nov 4 16:41:34 2001 (#11585)

hI I dont think we've met Im KAT(Jessica). Ill listen
:) Stay safe *hugs and love* -KAT

lyrics
Posted by jes on Sun Nov 4 02:26:03 2001 (#11563)

Iris-Goo Goo Dolls

And I'd give up forever to touch you Cause I know that you feel me somehow You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment And all I can breathe is your life And sooner or later it's over I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming Or the moment of truth in your lies When everything feels like the movies Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am

Push- Matchbox Twenty

she said I don't know if I've ever been good enough I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in and I don't know if I've ever been really loved by a hand that's touched me, well I feel like something's gonna give and I'm a little bit angry, well

this ain't over, no not here, not while I still need you around you don't owe me, we might change yeah we just might feel good

(chorus) I wanna push you around, I will, I will I wanna push you down, I will, I will I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted I will

she said I don't know why you ever would lie to me like I'm a little untrusting when I think that the truth is gonna hurt ya and I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me you couldn't stand to be near me when my face don't seem to want to shine cuz it's a little bit dirty well

don't just stand there, say nice things to me I've been cheated I've been wronged, and you you don't know me, I can't change I won't do anything at all

(chorus)

oh but don't bowl me over just wait a minute well it kinda fell apart, things get so crazy, crazy don't rush this baby, don't rush this baby

(chorus)

-I really love both of these songs-

love n hugs xx

Re: lyrics
Posted by Erin on Sun Nov 4 02:40:20 2001 (#11564)

I like that song by the goo goo dolls. its a good song

Re: lyrics
Posted by Emm on Mon Nov 5 16:13:01 2001 (#11634)

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, hehe, dont get me started on lyrics again babes,lol. i'll be here all day!!!!!!

I love Iris, its so beautiful!! Just like you Jo (;) heheheh). kisses xxxxx

Cousin shot himself today
Posted by Dawn on Sun Nov 4 04:03:14 2001 (#11565)

I am medicated, so the news came at a good time. Its surreal.... like something who'd read on this borad or the other on.

The reality is people do kill themselves. I wonder is this has been brewing for sometime. I can't keep my eyes open...I'm going to bed..

Hope I don't have nightmares..... STAY SAFE...TALK ABOUT WHAT IN GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE THAT LEADS YOU TO CUTTING. ASK FOR HELP PLEASE....Life is short....Dawn...oh and please don't rag on me, saying I'm harsh or judgemental. I just don't want anyone to kill themselves.

Re: Cousin shot himself today
Posted by KAT on Sun Nov 4 16:44:15 2001 (#11586)

DAWN!!!! hun, dont worry about what others say towards you.WE know your trying to help, and like you told me some people just arent ready to be helped. Please keep encouraging people to do what we all know is right . I am truely sorry from the bottom of my heart aboutyour cousin, I also heard bad news this weekend but I wont tell you anymore, I think youve had enough for one weekend. But you know we'll all meet again in a better place. *hugs* sympathy.LOVE! -KAT

Re: Cousin shot himself today
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Nov 5 01:35:50 2001 (#11613)

Oh Dawn, I'm so sorry! Is there anything I can do to help? I wish I knew the right things to say at times like this, but I don't. Just know that I am thinking about you and will say a special prayer for you tonight. Email me if you feel like it. Love ya, Rhonda