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Threads 2851 to 2900

Is it possible for me to change?
Posted by Alana on Tue Oct 23 06:03:50 2001 (#11164)

IS IT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO CHANGE? Or am I really just fooling myself into thinking I can? Do any of you think that I'm too far gone to get back to what I use to be? Is it possible for me to be the old me with the friends I have now? I don't think it is.....I don't know where to turn.

Disappointment is getting me down...

Love, Alana

YES!
Posted by Sharon on Tue Oct 23 06:16:35 2001 (#11166)

ALANA!!!!!! YES it's possible! You are not fooling yourself, you have incredible inner strength and I know you can do this. You may not end up the same person you were, you probably won't, because every experience we have shapes us, changes us but you will become someone better, stonger. Sometimes I wish I could go back too, but then I honestly think about it and I don't really want to be the girl I was 12 months ago, I may not like who I am now, but it beats who I was then because of the mere fact that my soul has grown. And so has yours. I'm here for you okay? E-mail me if you ever need to talk. Take care.

BIG hugs,

Sharon

Once you begin recovery you've already changed
Posted by Dawn on Tue Oct 23 07:37:39 2001 (#11168)

Recovery is a journey of progress, even when you slip, you don't slip back to the way you were. That old person is no longer you.

As you change your friends will either change with you or become bored with the new you and slowly slip away, back into their comfort zones. That is why it is important to make new friend who are also on the journey to a better self.

And it is said that if you do relapse and get back on the journey you come back a stronger person. But don't make that an excuse for slipping.

And remember, ITS PRACTICE NO PERFECTION

Just truths I've learned along the way.

Re: Is it possible for me to change?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Oct 24 01:55:40 2001 (#11191)

I firmly believe everyone can change,it's just a lot harder for some to do it. Taking the first step is always hard and you may fall back sometimes, but you keep pushing ahead. I hope you keep pushing Alana, you deserve happiness just as everybody does. Take care and stay strong. Love, Rhonda

I am an honest open book, I even sign my name
Posted by Dawn on Tue Oct 23 06:12:07 2001 (#11165)

This board is open to any and everyone, some post, some lurk, some vent, and yes I lecture a bit. I make no apologies. I am who I am. I tell true tells of my experiences and sometimes I revert back to being a victim of deep emotional pain. And yes I still believe in Jesus Christ and know that even in my down points He is working healing in those areas.

If you do not like what I write or my beliefs then spare yourself the misery or trouble of reading my posts. It is that simple.

A couple of weeks ago I was in a deeper depession than I have been in for a while and in the midst of that I had contact with two of my children. It struck a deep wound and I posted about how our loved ones can know we cut and deny it and its importance. It was not meant to in anyway be about cutters, only family members. And as I said earlier I was in depression and loaded down with pain killers. Which may have made the remark unclear. It was not intended to irratate anyone. It was just my broken heart bleeding because my children see my arms with all their scars and yet they do not want to believe I have mental illnesses. Which is denile.

Each of us on here write things when we are in pain that may not make sense to others, but it making sense to others is not what our work on this board is about. It is about venting. In any form and without rhymm or reason, just venting, which is what I'm doing now. And now I'm finished.... Dawn

And God Said No... a poem
Posted by Dawn on Tue Oct 23 07:23:35 2001 (#11167)

I didn't write this. I don't have a clue who did. But it seems who ever did knew me.

"AND GOD SAID, 'NO'

I asked God to take away my grief, and God said, "No.. It is not for me to take away, but for you to work through.'

I asked God to make my broken heart whole, and God said, 'No... Your spirit is whole, your pain is only temporary.'

I asked God to grant me patience, and God said, 'No... Patience is a by-product of tribulation, it isn't granted, it is earned.'

I asked God to give me happiness, and God said, 'No.. I give blessings, happiness is up to you.'

I asked God to spare me pain, and God said, 'No.. Suffering draws you apart from worldy cares, and brings you closer to me.'

I asked God to make my spirit grow, and God said, 'No.. Grow on your own, I do the pruning that makes you fruitful.'

I asked God if he loved me, and God said, 'Yes...'

I asked God to help me love others as much as He loves me. And God said, 'Ah, finally, you have the idea."

I hope it spoke to you....Dawn

Re: And God Said No... a poem
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Tue Oct 23 09:39:17 2001 (#11170)

I'm not a christan or anything but that was a really good poem. It's pretty easy to relate to. thanks for posting it.

Drew :)

Re: And God Said No... a poem
Posted by Strider on Tue Oct 23 14:07:25 2001 (#11174)

You know what? I've heard that before, but I forget where I read it... I think it moght have been somebody that used to come to this board that showed me it. It is very good, but my problem is actually making it a reality in my life (I too am a Christian), and not just an ideal. That's it for me.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: And God Said No... a poem
Posted by Alana on Tue Oct 23 21:13:47 2001 (#11181)

Hey...I've heard that too. Wonder where?!?!?!?! Meah, my brain is mush.

Love, Alana

Re: And God Said No... a poem
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Oct 24 01:58:58 2001 (#11193)

I'm glad I read this first Dawn, cause I was just about to send it to you. Take care. Love ya, Rhonda

Re: And God Said No... a poem
Posted by Emma on Wed Oct 24 12:25:09 2001 (#11208)

Thats really beautiful. love Emma xx

Re: And God Said No... a poem
Posted by Ravenstar on Fri Oct 26 02:27:47 2001 (#11275)

Wonderful poem! I just wish that God could make all these things easier for all of us.

too tired to sleep
Posted by kae on Tue Oct 23 11:16:12 2001 (#11171)

im exhausted. i cant sleep properly anymore. things feel bad. everyone has too many problems and i cant keep up with it all.

i emailed the stupid counsellor at school - our school has an emailing system for advice and career stuf - she hasnt replied. sure, she was probably busy. ive been to her b4 and she blew me off. but shes the only one and i want to get past this stupid cutting thing. my arms are fucked up and i cant wear anything nice. tomorrow the blood donation truck is coming to our school - i wont b able to give blood this time because of all the fucking scars. too many ppl asking too much complicated shit.

seeing as everybodys into this counting scars crap, i counted mine as well. i found 98 scars on my arms. something to be proud of? i think not. at least i got some of that vitamin E oil which im putting on most nights now. so far ive gone four days without cutting...surely thats a good thing?

its my birthday in a week. im going to be celebrating 17 years in this world covered in scars.

this is too depressing. why am i whining?

Re: too tired to sleep
Posted by Strider on Tue Oct 23 14:28:13 2001 (#11175)

Trust me, kae, if that's whining, then you can just call me Whiny Mc Whinerson..... ok, that was lame, but still, what I'm trying to say is that if it wasn't for all of our whining and complaining, this board wouldn't exist. Just take a look through the archives and you'll see all of my complaints and gripes. The thing is, this board is the place to do that, a place to go to relieve waht you're feeling inside and have others talk about it and do the same. Now, the councilor (I think I spelled that wrong). School councilors mean well and all, but I've found that they just aren't all that helpful for big problems. Like, I got sent to one here, and tough it helps a bit, it's no where near being effective enough to really help me. Also, if she doesn't know exactly how bad you feel, then she can't really know how urgent it is for her to respond to you. Not sleeping.... now that is a sure fire way to make things worse. over the past weeks, I haven't been sleeping well, if at all, and I can tell you that it just messes things up more. I recently just started to go to sleep before 1:30 am (and of note, I have to get up at around 6:30 everyday no matter what). I can't tell you exactly how to be able to sleep, but the longer this goes on the worse it will get. I hope I could be of some help.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: too tired to sleep
Posted by Alana on Tue Oct 23 21:24:34 2001 (#11183)

You're whining cuz thats what people do best when they're looking for someone to care and give a crap. We all do it. I DO IT SOOOO MUCH! Maybe we should be proud of the whining we possess though - its a part of what makes us, "us"! Right? Yes, sometimes it gets annoying. It gets annoying hearing it, and doing it...but that just makes us question ourself - "what is it that I'm really whining about?"

I just celebrated (boy did I ever...magic brownies...I won't get into it) my 17th birthday on the 11th - also covered in scars. But the scars I don't mind, its what other people think of them, so that I can relate to.

Trouble sleeping? Me too. I find myself wide awake at 3am, thinking to myself, well shit I have to be up in 3 hours. I seem to function fine though. I think cuz I've been living on 3-5 hours of sleep for months that my body has somehow become accustomed to it. No problemo princess.

4 days is amazing! Way to go! I hate it when people put you down for letting in to cutting...they never look at all the times you didn't give in to cutting. Why do they do that? lately I've been focusing on the times I have been able to control myself. You should try this - it works wonders.

Anywho, I hope you feel better soon, and realize that your scars are COOL! I think so anyways. I can't picture ever being with a guy who isn't covered in scars. Wierd? I love them. They tell so much about a person.

Love, ALANA

Word of warning
Posted by Strider on Tue Oct 23 14:33:13 2001 (#11176)

Having been an avid poster on this board in the past, I would advise against this whole counting scars thing. In the past things like that have led t competition between cutter, and we all know where that leads. Then again, that was then and this is now, so please tell if I'm way off base here.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Word of warning
Posted by jue on Tue Oct 23 19:54:24 2001 (#11178)

i agree with you, Colin.

Re: Word of warning
Posted by Alana on Tue Oct 23 21:11:49 2001 (#11180)

Yah, I thought about that after I posted about counting my scars, but in no way was that a way of competing for me. I just wanted to share the crap I felt about the amount of scars I had.

I'm sorry if it sounded as if I was competing. Sorry to everyone.

Love, Alana

Re: Word of warning
Posted by becky on Wed Oct 24 01:31:07 2001 (#11189)

I'm not sure if I posted it here or somewhere else, but I know I did it somewhere. But you're totally right I didn't even think of that. Thanks for pointing that out though. Becky

Re: Word of warning
Posted by kae on Wed Oct 24 10:35:08 2001 (#11205)

im sorry too.......i wasnt thinking.

luv and hugz, kae

bEyOnD tHeRaPy???????
Posted by jue on Tue Oct 23 20:04:32 2001 (#11179)

i can't figure this out...i went to this councellor yesterday...it was a disaster. i was telling her stuff that i did blah blah blah. all the things that you should tell councellors and i was sort of laughing as i did b/c i do when i am nervous. well...i stopped and she looks at me and says "i don't know what to say to you." i was so mad...she's the damn councellor at least make something up. and then she tells me that i am the expert at the games and manipulation. i was so irritated adn dissappointed in myself that i almost stopped crying. so i just got up and asked me if she could give me a hug. i refused and bolted from the office.

i am so dissappointed...i mean am i seriously beyond therapy????? she basically said she couldn't work with me with that attitude. i don't know what to do...damn i want the razor...

Re: bEyOnD tHeRaPy???????
Posted by Nuni on Tue Oct 23 21:21:21 2001 (#11182)

First, that was way weird. You were simply stating how you felt. The thing is with cutters or anyone who SI's it is so crucial to find someone that will not judge you because you SI. It is how you cope, I too am a nervous laugher and it is a part of my personality. NO!! You are not beyond therapy. You just have to find someone that is competent, understands, and has experience with SI'ers. None of us are beyond help!! I hope I helped you... Take care! Nuni

Re: bEyOnD tHeRaPy???????
Posted by *Poison on Tue Oct 23 21:57:08 2001 (#11186)

I know how u feel, i've made one of my councelors cry because of my SI.and many others refue to help me...stupid ppl

koko

Re: bEyOnD tHeRaPy???????
Posted by Alana on Tue Oct 23 21:31:13 2001 (#11184)

I know exactly what you are going through. Yesterday was my last official day of therapy. The therapist has decided to give up on me. The problem - I don't talk, and I don't want to fix things his way. I want to do it on my own time.

I think I expect too much out of therapy. I expect them to fix me. I didn't expect to have to fix myself.

I laugh alot when I'm nervous and always smile when I'm talking about something painful - like its a joke. A psych pointed that out to me when I was suicidal, he asked me "why are you laughing about death?" That made me think.

I know where you are coming from. Email me if you wanna talk about it.

Love, Alana

Re: bEyOnD tHeRaPy???????
Posted by becky on Wed Oct 24 01:51:56 2001 (#11190)

I so know what you mean. I often laugh things off as if they are nothing even though they are really painful to talk about. I think I do it to make myself not seem as horrible as I am. I don't know, but people oftenly get angry with me because I just don't know how to handle them caring and wanting to listen.... Oh well man I've never gone to a counselor, but people make it seem really bad. I hate counselors anyway because they don't know you so why would they care? Oh well just my opinion doesn't count for much anyway so I guess it doesn't matter. But if it helps any, I've been told many times by different people that they just don't know what to say and all that crap. I get mad, but then again it's my own fault I am the way I am. Whatever Becky

Re: bEyOnD tHeRaPy???????
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Oct 24 02:09:18 2001 (#11194)

You're not beyond therapy, you just haven't found the right one yet. They are out there. Tara went throught4 or 5 before we found the one she goes to now and he is awesome!! He really listens to her and DOES NOT judge her. I think that is why she is doing well for now. If you're able to, keep looking for a different therapist. I have bad feelings towards people who charge ungodly amounts of money to help someone, then just lectures them. I think a lot of them need help themselves.(probably shouldn't have said that) Oh well, I hope you find someone who will help you. If you ever want to talk, just email me. I'm here in the evenings. Take care and stay strong. Love, Rhonda

Re: bEyOnD tHeRaPy???????
Posted by jue on Wed Oct 24 03:54:13 2001 (#11199)

thank you everyone. i am really glad for every response. i will keep trying.

take care...love julie

On my search to find "ME" again
Posted by Alana on Tue Oct 23 21:43:04 2001 (#11185)

My first day of searching for the old Alana - and for a split second today I found her. I was standing in the hall with my friends Andrea, Mark and Johnny - and they all went to my elementary school, so I grew up with them. For the 15 minutes we were standing there joking around and talking - I found who I use to be. Ofcourse she's a little different, she's older, she's a little bit more funny, and well....she's got boobs (hahaha, I had to slip that one in there). These friends of mine know who I am. So I'm not trying to be someone else. Its just me. The Old Alana plus the boobs. And...I haven't done any drugs today. YAY!

There's my post for today.

Love, Alana

"You've lost what made you, YOU." - Did they ever think that maybe they never knew.

Re: On my search to find "ME" again
Posted by Dawn on Sun Oct 28 22:33:23 2001 (#11353)

Alana, its been many days since this post, so you may never read this response. But I want you to know that finding the unspoiled person inside you is a good journey. Stick to it and you will someday, hopefully soon find yourself.

It must have been when I was about 42 when I took a bite of pumpkin pie and spit it right back out and discovered that I hate pumpkin pie and probably always had, but was never given the choice to like or dislike any food set before me, therefore I had eaten it for all those years because I was programed to. Now that I have a choice sometimes I get recipies that are a little different and have made pumpkin pie with vanilla pudding in it and found it rather tollerable.

So I hope you will find freedom to be true self, warts and all, and love the person you are with your whole heart. Love and Hugs....Dawn

Cris cross thats all i eva do!
Posted by Jenny on Tue Oct 23 22:14:47 2001 (#11187)

Cris cross thats all i eva do cut over the same scars over and over again in hope that it may do some serious damage, getting pissed and doing it in a daze thats the best therapy for anyone. If you go over and over your scars they get deeper and deeper and make you feel better. Its like a drug you need to do it more and more to get the same affect1 c ya around Jennt

Re: Cris cross thats all i eva do!
Posted by becky on Wed Oct 24 01:56:24 2001 (#11192)

Too many times I do the same thing and think the same way, but cutting isn't going to always be the answer... Talk to someone. They may not understand everything, but if they are truely your friend, then they'll do whatever they can to help you even if it's only listening. Take care. Becky

Re: Cris cross thats all i eva do!
Posted by KAT on Wed Oct 24 04:34:50 2001 (#11200)

I do the exact same thing, but because I dont wanna create new scars and also the scar tissue is very tender and cuts very easily. Although I want you to know..I dont find it a good thing or anything. take cqare Love

Just 2 poems I've written lately. Read if you want
Posted by becky on Wed Oct 24 01:27:17 2001 (#11188)

No one there to heal my wounds. No one there to share my pain. No one there to feel my hurt.

But I can't let you heal, share, or feel Because then you will know me, The me I try so desperately to hide.

Becky C.

This one has a little to do with religion. I started to get depressed as I was writing so my mood changed and then I just started to write and ramble off different thoughts.

I go to church and put on a show, I have so much pain, but don't let anyone know. I serve God and have the "perfect" life, But does anyone know I seek comfort in a knife?

I love my mom, but how am I suppose to tell her? I live in her house, but I don't even know her. I hate my dad I can finally say. I wish he would leave me alone and just go away.

Nothing I do will ever please The ones I love, even if I get on my knees. The pain is so real, But does anyone know I seek comfort in steel?

I'm beginning to hate my life So once again I turn to my knife. Nothing seems real Except the pain that I feel.

My heart aches without any relief. At night, there's even more gnashing of teeth. It's so funny I wear the biggest mask, To hide my heart behind the broken glass

Becky C.

Re: Just 2 poems I've written lately. Read if you
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Oct 24 02:15:34 2001 (#11195)

Becky, Those are wonderful! I'm trying to find out how to get some of the poems you guys all write published. Would you be interested if I find out? From the last poem, it sounds like you can't get any help from your parents. If you ever want to talk or just vent, email me. I may not be able to physically help, but maybe emotionaly I can help. I don't judge, or I try not to, and I've been told I'm a really good listener. You can ask anyone here, I'll talk about anything, right guys?!!!!! Just thought I'd let you know that there is one adult here who will listen to you and probably cry with you also. Write if you ever feel like it. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: Just 2 poems I've written lately. Read if you
Posted by jes on Wed Oct 24 14:10:07 2001 (#11212)

hey, those poems are really good! And yes, Rhonda is a great personto talk to, she's helped me soo much.

I'm new...
Posted by Elisha on Wed Oct 24 03:34:24 2001 (#11197)

Hey I'm new here,nice to know that there are others out there. I need to tell somebody...I just move away to go to University and my shrink set up an appointment with a friend of his. So I go and they make me talk to some medical student and he makes me show him my scars-that's everyones first question, "can I see"-It's like I'm some freak show. And he gives me two options, I can see him and do group therapy or I can look on my own for a doctor. There's so much crap behind this. It's like no one knows what to do, no one wants to help. They think that the right drugs will make everything alright, all the listening in the world isn't going to make the way I think stop. I refuse to go to group...My parents don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. It's like I should just forget about getting better because no one else wants to help. I told him that if I knew how to get better I'd be better already and he was stumped. He stuttered and just looked at me not know what to do. I'm not some science experiment, I want a real doctor that actually understands. Does anyone have a doctor that understands and is actually trying to help them get better, not just by shoving pills in their face but doing so psychoanalysis stuff or somthing? Please just anybody...I'm so alone and no one understands....

Re: I'm new...
Posted by jue on Wed Oct 24 03:52:32 2001 (#11198)

Hi Elisha....

i hope you keep coming to this board it is very supportive and people listen and can sympathize(sp?)

so the question of getting help. well that can be a real bitch. and i mean a real bitch. my suggestion is that if you find someone you like stay with them no matter what and don't let yourself be discouraged by all the jerks in between. some people will never understand, some are uneducated. i just had a bad experience with a new counsellor aand was really scared. but i guess patience.

anyway i hope you will stay and post. there is hope, but you have to realize that you can't expect people to understand. you have to give something. why don't you want to go to group?? sry this isn't meant to be advise...just a sharing of my thoughts.

take care...love julie

Re: I'm new...
Posted by KAT on Wed Oct 24 04:38:42 2001 (#11201)

Hi there , your very welcome here so feel free to talk about anything. My therapist is kinda like a friend when Im feeling good on a certain day we just talk about other things besides cutting and suicide. Like school and boys I like and junk. I mean I dunno its kind of refreshing although Im paying her to do nothing..she really is doing a good Job I suppose you just gotta look for the right one. The one I had before her I woulsdnt even say a word it was actually kinda funny I made the lady mad. aw oh well anyway welcome here. and Im Jessica, take care of yourself Love-

Re: I'm new...
Posted by Alana on Wed Oct 24 05:10:39 2001 (#11202)

Welcome. You might see me here, you might now. Lately....you'll notice I've been here. Glad you're hear.

I've never been to a psych without them throwing different pills and treatments at my face, like SI is a treatable disease. They have never asked me to talk about why it is I cut. They don't care to know. They're just there for the meds.

Meds suck.

You should try and find maybe an SI support group. The SI support group I was in, dealed mainly with people's issues and experiences with SI - mention of meds was forbidden. You could also maybe find a cousellour, or just a therapist to talk to. They focus merely on the triggers of SI. I took art therapy for a few months, and that helped tremendously. I would paint, make collages, mold....it was a great learning experience. I learnt alot about my family and upbringing. And ofcourse about my SI.

But thats always on ongoing learning experience. I learn something new about my SI everyday.

Best of luck to ya Elisha. And don't be afraid to come back and bitch if you need to.

Love, Alana

where's my brain...I can't spell
Posted by Alana on Wed Oct 24 05:12:25 2001 (#11203)

what I meant to say was that you might see me here, you might not.......glad you're HERE (not hear)

Ahh feck, its getting late and my brain isn't working. Its fried.

This is your brain on drugs....I like eggs, no problem with that

Re: where's my brain...I can't spell
Posted by *Poison on Wed Oct 24 21:25:12 2001 (#11217)

Hummmm....I hate therapists.end of story. When i was in the hospital, there was a psychiatrist there that did a lot of dream work. it was awesome, and it really made me think about my life and gave me some new insight on things. I think he was actually the first doctor guy who looked beyond my SI and to the cause of it from my past. he gave me a name of a doctor he knew to be really good but my parents wouldn't let me go. Most of the therapists i've had just wanna know what's going on now, or like 3 months ago. i think that they're scared to get in too deep. but that's what i want a therapist who isn't scared to have a meeting more than once a week and is willing to actually sort things out with me. *sigh* oh well... so i guess u jsut really gotta find one that's right for u. i would personally suggest not going to a big place, but a nice small private practice, they usually are more willing to g more in depth and have more openings, so that you are not just another face in the clouds. (yes, i do mean clouds)

but anyways! WELCOME!!!!!!! and keep us posted on how things are going(pun intended) hehe ok ok i'm done..

~KoKo~

Re: I'm new...
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Oct 25 02:20:08 2001 (#11231)

Hi Elisha, My daughter has a really good doctor who has helped her so much. She's on meds, but he also talks with her, notice I said talks WITH her. He also is trying to get her off the meds by springtime next year. It is so important to have someone you can talk to. Do your parents not understand or do they not want to understand? There is a difference. I hope I don't get you upset by saying that about your parents. I have found on this board that a lot of parents just don't want to understand and that really makes me upset. I would do anything for my kids. I have learned so much from helping with Tara and I try to help some of the young people deal with their parents. Sometimes it doesn't really help, but maybe if they know that there is one adult who wants to help, it will be easier on them. If you ever need to talk to me, just email me anytime. This is a real good place to come and talk. Consider yourself part of the family. We all care about you. Take care and stay strong. Love, Rhonda

Re: I'm new...
Posted by Dawn on Thu Oct 25 08:08:39 2001 (#11248)

Welcome to the board. I have been in therapy for about 13 years, in varrious forms or another. I was going to college in my 30s to basically help people like myself, then as my real life came up to kick me in the but I had a complete mental breadkdown and am now totally disabled.

I have learned to do what Tara's mother has said, try out different counselors until you find one that doesn't have their own agenda and doesn't listen to you and discover your needs.

Talk therapy works best for me. When my world fell apart around me I had to sift through the rubble, like the guys are doing in NYC. Digging through the rubble of our lives is hard, many people don't make it so a few years ago there was a switch in therapy models going to behavior control training.

Thats's when I fired my first therapist. Meds do help me keep my moods more stable and help me sleep. I've discovered that when I'm not getting enough sleep I am more prone to wig out and start cutting.

This board is a good place to vent but I caution you that it can be very triggering. And that I tend to as some say "lecture". I really don't mean to be. I just try to pass along some things I've learned.

I am a Christian and my faith is what has helped me the most. I found that if God could love me when he knows every little detail of me life, including cutting, then I could begin to love me too. I don't agonize like many do over my cutting because I believe that God knows I wouldn't do it if I wasn't in a lot of emotional pain.

I am available too if you or anyone else wants an adult to listen. I listen a bit diffently than Rhonda, because I listen as a cutter still in the battle to survive life. Love and Hugs...Dawn

I'm sick of seeing my name here
Posted by Alana on Wed Oct 24 05:34:59 2001 (#11204)

If I'm sick of seeing my name on the board, more than likely everyone else is. I would "feck off", its just that I can't right now. I need this board. Maybe to remind me of how I use to be when I first started coming here, or maybe just for support. I'm not quite sure, why I need to be here....I know I just do.

But, if you guys do get tired of seeing these boring posts up here, please let me know and I will "feck off" asap.

The problem with me right now is that there's not just one thing bugging me. Come to think of it, there's not much bugging me (minus the drug addiction) - but I just feel uneasy about some things, and feel if I write enough here that maybe a thought will slip out that might make sense and lead to a road of discovery. This might be why I often question myself in these posts.

~To change some drastic measures must be taken.

Learning isn't easy, it's uncomfortable...when you learn, you're letting yourself change. Change is what makes learning uncomfortable.

Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well.

In my dreams I can see and feel your face, but emptiness is what lays beside me when I awake.

We turn not older with the years, but newer with every day.

You are what you think about allll day (this thought of mine kinda scares me...what if thats true?)

Maybe we should stop praying for a better life, but instead pray to be a stronger person

Is the fear worse than the pain?

I think we should all stop letting our memories be greater than our goals and dreams.~

Ok I'm done. These were just some things that I've needed to get out of my system. Love, Alana

Re: I'm sick of seeing my name here
Posted by kae on Wed Oct 24 10:41:17 2001 (#11206)

stay!!! i always read your posts because they're the most honest and interesting. you have a way with words. and i dont think you write any more than anyone else.

and we all care about u and we want to hear about ur progress.....so dont leave us!!

luv and hugz, kae

Re: I'm sick of seeing my name here
Posted by jes on Wed Oct 24 14:22:01 2001 (#11213)

i know i don't really respond to ur posts but i do read them and there is absolutely no reason for you to 'feck off'! take care, jes xx

a poem
Posted by Emma on Wed Oct 24 12:29:40 2001 (#11209)

This is so sad i'm sorry, but beautiful in a way i cant comprehend....

God saw that she was getting tired, And a recovery was not to be. So he put His arms around her And whispered, "Come home with me." With tearful eyes, we watched her suffer And saw her fade away. Although we loved her dearly, We could not make her stay. A golden heart stopped beating: A determined spirit is at rest. God broke our hearts to prove to us He only takes the best. Anonymous

awwww, i'm sorry. :( bawling now,lol. emm xxx

Re: a poem
Posted by star on Wed Oct 24 13:40:48 2001 (#11211)

baby thats beautiful ahh bawling in the libary not good, i love you Amz xx

Re: a poem
Posted by Alana on Wed Oct 24 20:26:12 2001 (#11214)

Beautiful. I hope I go that way. Soon.

Love, Alana

Re: a poem
Posted by *Poison on Wed Oct 24 21:30:54 2001 (#11219)

That is an awesome poem....just makes me feel like...(and in no way am i religious) god won't want me in his arms. and will make me die in vain.*sigh* i hope too much!

~KoKo~

People we don't have to die to be free of our pain
Posted by Dawn on Thu Oct 25 08:26:44 2001 (#11249)

It was a great poem. But we do not have to die to get past the pain. I felt the way the person in the poem did in the beginning of my recovery. I was deep in the throws of pain. Every bridge I cross I thought of jummpin over. I made plans of how to take me life for that day, that moment when the pain got too much. When I was so tired of living with a heart so broken it felt like it would never mend. I was not just going to kill myself. I was going to kill my 3 children too. But I'm not that sick anymore. Now I have more good days than bad.

You can get there too. Talk, talk and keep on talking until you've got it all out. Pills are not going to do it. Pills don't erase the past. Pills don't heal the hurts. It takes telling what the pain is GETTING IT OUTSIDE OF YOU. Pain is poison and it is deadly. The poem says that. But I am telling you there is a way through, its in giving up the truths that are eating you up inside.

If you can't find a therapist, tell Rhonda, tell the board, tell me. But don't quit....Dawn

There's too much evny living in me
Posted by Alana on Wed Oct 24 20:36:32 2001 (#11215)

ENVY.

Too much to deal with. Too much envy that I can't stand to have arms with no cuts. I deserve to be cut up from all this envy I feel. I'm guilty. I'm jealous. I'm lonely. I'm sober. I'm lost. I'm rejected. I'm suicidal. I'm tired. But most of all...I'm ENVIOUS.

Love, Alana

Re: There's too much evny living in me
Posted by KAT on Wed Oct 24 23:34:52 2001 (#11223)

Take care...you'll get through it LOVE KAT

Here Iam again!
Posted by Jennny on Wed Oct 24 20:53:03 2001 (#11216)

well................. here Iam again, still feeling like shit. My step mum and sister have gone away with out even asking me if I want to go so Im at home with my dad, just the two of us, how cosy! Life is still shit. being half term and all im boared so i have more time to cut and cut deeper then clear up after me before dad gets home from work, but hey wot the heck thats life???!

Re: Here Iam again!
Posted by KAT on Wed Oct 24 23:40:52 2001 (#11224)

sweetheart, thats not life, thats shit! you know it is...cuttings not a fun thing I mean sometimes it may seem like oh well this is my life a cutter, but it doesnt have to be that way. Im sure we all know anyway I hope you are feeling alright and take care of yourself. *Im here by myself :( * love KAT

i am in so much trouble...
Posted by Kate on Wed Oct 24 21:31:11 2001 (#11220)

I was doing so well. I only cut once in 9 months. And I thought I was better. But my life went to shit yet again...my friends all left and went to college, my b/f left me, my dad is not taking my depression seriously. I have no one, or so it seems. As soon as I think i'm ok, i look at all the cuts i have, and it makes me feel worse, and i do it again to avoid it all. It's a damned cycle. Over 30 cuts, and it's been less than a week. I don't know quite what to do, or who to turn to...so I came back here, b/c you guys have helped me a lot. I know I don't post a lot, but I do read the messages. Thanks for giving me a place to go. ~*KATE*~

Re: i am in so much trouble...
Posted by KAT on Wed Oct 24 23:45:40 2001 (#11225)

Hi Kate, are you the same Kate who used to come here a long time ago like december 00' Im just wonderin. well anyway Im sorry things are shitty right now, but youve been well cut free nine months Im sure you know by now its a thing that can be fixed. I started cutting again also but its not as bad as before, thank god. Im not sure what to tell you..you can turn to me if you want for any thing. I promise! Take care of yourself, theres only one of you!! Love and hugs-Jessica *KAT*

fdkglhasjkgfhawerkgfbivu
Posted by *Poison on Wed Oct 24 21:42:59 2001 (#11221)

(i can never think of a subject)

I cut last night..it felt sooooo good. at first i couldn't really do it, but then i started thinking about when my dad broke up with his GF/Fiance he came in my room and was like "i'm really going to need u to cut out this whole cutting thing" Oh that pissed me off soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I hate him!!!! that god damn controlling bastard!!!! yeah! go ahead and jsut let ______(fiance's name here) leave without saying a word but NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO you couldn't do that for my mom could you! you had to fukking controll her every move to make sure she wasn't cheating on u when u were also cheating on her! FUCK YOU FUKKING ASSHOLE! GO ahead Count some extra miles on her car to see if she went even one mile further than where she said! Go ahead!!! and then still expect me to respect her!1 HA!!! assholes. go on! try and act like you have no idea what is wrong with me! go on and think i don't have a problem and i do i for attention! I DON"T GIVE A SHIT!!!!!

...sorry... (i had to eliminate names cause i told my aunt about this site and stuff and i really hope she doesn't read this) so just so u know from now on!

~KoKo~

Re: fdkglhasjkgfhawerkgfbivu
Posted by KAT on Wed Oct 24 23:50:03 2001 (#11227)

oh man!!! That was intense, I hope you feel better after typing out all your feelings (well not all but you know). I bet it felt good, I felt better just reading it. Heh. anyway Im sorry your dad is like that, parents just sometimes dont know how to be parents, its a tough job. Take care of yourself sweetie!!! Love-

Why does it have to be like this?
Posted by Becky on Wed Oct 24 22:57:34 2001 (#11222)

Why do I always look at the bad in people and in all kinds of situations... I haven't had a boyfriend for years because I'm so freaking picky. He has to be absolutly perfect for me to even think of liking him, but me I'm so screwed up and no where near perfect. Why do I feel guilty for everything I do whether it's bad or not. Is there any relief from this all? I cut and I cut to relieve the guilt (some of which cutting causes) but it doesn't work so I end up cutting until so much blood has flowed down my arm and dripping on the floor that I can't stand the disgusting state that I'm in. Why do I hate myself for hating my dad? Yeah I may have every right in the world to hate him, but for some reason I still look at it as if I'm the one with the problem. But the major thing is that I've tried to love him, but I still don't and that proves that I'm weak and incapable of accomplishing anything. Why am I so selfish that I can't love him or anyone else for that matter. One of these days I'm gonna go freaking mad and kill him. Becky

Re: Why does it have to be like this?
Posted by KAT on Wed Oct 24 23:55:11 2001 (#11228)

Becky..I dont know why you and your dad's relationship isnt good but Im sure whatever has happened in the past wasnt allll your fault. Im almost positive and time heels all, its the truth..sometimes people just dont know how to act. you know were all humans. No matter if we are a dad a mom or what have you. Well Im not sure where Im going w/ this so hang in there, Im here too support you and give you comfort. You sound like such a precious person, be patient with life *easier said then done I know*. You cant make yourself love a person, even if they are your family. The way we love people is when they make us love them with their actions and words and if they dont do that then we have no obligations to love another human being. Your not selfish...we all just get a little wrapped up in the bad so much as to were we have lost site oc the good, but I know you can get through this. Take care of yourself, Love KAT

Re: Why does it have to be like this?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Oct 25 02:28:19 2001 (#11232)

Becky, Why don't you email me and we'll talk. Love, Rhonda

Just some "Did you evers"
Posted by becky on Wed Oct 24 23:48:25 2001 (#11226)

Did you ever get to the point where you're so sick of yourself and life ingeneral that you hate everyone and you want nothing to do with them? Did you ever tell someone that you hated them, but then in actuallity you love them so much but are just afraid of rejection? Did you ever look into your own eyes in a mirror and see your haterd, loniness, and hopelessness and wonder if others see that part of you too? Did you ever want help more than anything else, but you don't have the strength find it? Did you ever put all your trust in a person and have them stab you in the back? (not literally, but it would have been better if they really did it.) Did you ever want to be somone else, but then realize that you aren't the only screwed up kid and most others are messed up in there own way, but they just take their freakin anger out on out people. (Like my father... dumb bastard.) Becky

Re: Just some "Did you evers"
Posted by *me* on Thu Oct 25 01:13:52 2001 (#11229)

Yes...for every single one of those things.

Re: Just some "Did you evers"
Posted by Elisha on Thu Oct 25 03:09:18 2001 (#11234)

Everyday I wish I were someone else, everyday I wish I were dead, and everyday I curse myself for not having the courage to end it all.

Re: Just some "Did you evers"
Posted by KAT on Thu Oct 25 03:29:56 2001 (#11236)

YES .
:( KAT

Re: Just some "Did you evers"
Posted by Mego on Thu Oct 25 03:38:37 2001 (#11240)

hell yeah dude, all the time. my dad is an evil bastard too and i totally feel everything you just said, man.

where is everyone from?
Posted by Alana on Thu Oct 25 02:54:43 2001 (#11233)

I know where all the old people from the board are from...but the newer people - where are you from? How old are you? What kinda stuff do you like to do? That kinda shit.

Just wondering who I'm reading about all the time, thats all.

Love, Alana

PS I'm 17, from Toronto Canada eh, and music is my life - if there was no such thing as rock I think I would kill myself...honest!

Re: where is everyone from?
Posted by Elisha on Thu Oct 25 03:11:44 2001 (#11235)

I'm from Vancouver Canada. I'm 20, I'm majoring in English and I want to be an English teacher. I too love music from Slipknot, nine inch nails to rage aganst the machine and U2 Beastie boys anything. I hate above everything else is myself.

Re: where is everyone from?
Posted by *poison on Thu Oct 25 03:33:44 2001 (#11237)

Amanda(KoKo) 15 New Hampshire USA....music, the written word, and computers are my life...(damn i have a boring life...)

KoKo

Re: where is everyone from?
Posted by damaged on Thu Oct 25 22:03:02 2001 (#11264)

you need to stay active to help get stress out. it helps, go for a walk or run, it makes you feel good. you should pick up a hobby or something to make life not so boring. for now

dmd

Re: where is everyone from?
Posted by Rachel on Mon Nov 12 21:20:28 2001 (#11793)

I`m 13 and from the Uk. I`m obsessed with music, playing it listening to it, whatever. Punk rock has stopped me killing myself.

Re: where is everyone from?
Posted by KAT on Thu Oct 25 03:34:09 2001 (#11239)

Im 16 from Dallas Texas.. Im really into music too..I love it. I especially like heavy/death metal but thats not all..Im real open minded when it comes to music(not all musci though). I love the rastafari look, and Im into skater guys! I know I know I sound like a typical bitch but no nothing like that. My brothers a semi-pro skater so Im just always around it. I jusat hang out and have fun sometimes, and like the rest of you when Im feeling down Ill smoke a fatty hit a pill or cut my self.
:( (bad idea) anyway thats me oh yeah and my real name is Jessica. Love ya!

Re: where is everyone from?
Posted by jue on Thu Oct 25 04:15:55 2001 (#11242)

i am from Vancouver, Canada too!!!!! that's so weird. i'm 18. in college. also love music. and love art. I totally can't believe you are from Vancouver Elisha!!! no one from this board has ever even been from BC they are all from Ontario or other countries that is so bizarre. What school are you going to????

JUE
Posted by Elisha on Thu Oct 25 20:48:42 2001 (#11259)

I'm going to UBC

JUE
Posted by Elisha on Thu Oct 25 20:50:03 2001 (#11260)

I'm going to UBC Jue, I'm in my second year.

Re: where is everyone from?
Posted by becky on Thu Oct 25 05:04:44 2001 (#11246)

Hey I'm 17... I like all sports and play alot of them for school. I like music a lot, but because of my religous convictions I dont' listen to it... Um...Oh yeah I live in Philadelphia, PA USA. I'm a senior in high school. I'm pretty much boring though oh well that's enough junk about me. Becky

BECKY PLZ READ
Posted by jue on Thu Oct 25 09:46:52 2001 (#11250)

Becky...just wondering...what religion are you? i mean like what church do you belong to... e-mail me if you don't feel comfortable saying it here.

take care...love julie

Re: BECKY PLZ READ
Posted by becky on Thu Oct 25 22:16:09 2001 (#11266)

Jue, Hey umm... I'm a baptist. Or as my pastor would call us a Independent, Fundamental, Separated, Bible Believing, Soul Winning, Baptist. I would rather stick with baptist just because it's shorter. Yeah I've grown up that way, but trust me I'm not a praticing baptist beause my life is so screwed up right now that I feel like a hypocrite just saying that I am. Oh well Becky

Re: BECKY PLZ READ
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Oct 26 03:56:10 2001 (#11283)

Tara and I are from Oklahoma. She's 18 now and I'm ...................41!!!! Hey Becky, I'm a Southern Baptist, but I haven't been to church in years. I go outside to be in God's church. Enough for now. Take care Love, Rhonda

Re: BECKY PLZ READ
Posted by sarah on Tue Nov 6 12:58:02 2001 (#11686)

Hi. i live in england and i go to church too. i know exactally what you mean about not being a practacting christian because of the self harm. i cant reconsile the two areas of my life because i use the cutting to help instead of God. have you talked to anyone in the church about it? hope you dont think im being too forward, but i want to find out how other people who have a christian background are coping with this. take care of yourself sarah x

Re: where is everyone from?
Posted by jes on Thu Oct 25 14:46:38 2001 (#11255)

hey, i'm 17, from nottingham, england. love listening to music, mostly heavier stuff but if that's not available, then something to either take the piss out of or just bob my head! other than that i'ma boring lil get! oh, and me real name is jo xx

Re: where is everyone from?
Posted by ~~~ on Thu Oct 25 22:59:58 2001 (#11270)

I'm from Leicester, England. So not too far from you Jo or Jes :)

Re: small world
Posted by jo on Wed Oct 31 14:22:02 2001 (#11446)

hehe hehe. small world isn't it?

Re: where is everyone from?
Posted by Marie on Thu Oct 25 15:41:34 2001 (#11257)

I'm 22 and I'm living in Tallahassee, FL, USA... I'm a psychology major at Florida State University... Just a farm girl transplanted to the city for an education... Love nature and reading and listening to the night birds call...

Re: where is everyone from?
Posted by diana on Thu Oct 25 21:37:56 2001 (#11262)

im from new jersey.. n im almost 15. on the outside im really preppy.. like ill wear jcrew/abercrombie.. but the music i like is rock.. mostly linkin park, incubus, u2, bush-lol, godsmack..yadayada well yeah thats enough bout me...diana

Re: where is everyone from?
Posted by KATE on Fri Oct 26 03:13:33 2001 (#11280)

I am 18, from Hinckley, OH (a little podunk town in the middle of nowhere). I am an English major at college, w/ a theatre minor. I want to be an English teacher and direct plays for the school after school is out. I love the fine arts, and music is my life. Metallica is my favorite band,but I pretty much like everything (except heavy rap and screamy, thrashy metal). I think if music wasn't in my life, i might not have a life!

Re: where is everyone from?
Posted by kae on Fri Oct 26 10:43:50 2001 (#11293)

hey....im 16 from New Zealand. ive lived on a farm all my life but i dont get into milking cows or anything! i luv PINK, Travis, Train...stuf like that, stuf with good lyrics. im planning on becoming a journalist once i leave high school....my dream job!!

i luv animals!! :)

luv and hugz, kae

Re: where is everyone from?
Posted by KAT on Sun Oct 28 23:07:11 2001 (#11357)

I love MetallicA too.
:)

Re: where is everyone from?
Posted by Maggie on Sat Oct 27 06:33:31 2001 (#11302)

I'm 20 and from Auckland, New Zealand which is like a zillion miles from most of you. I'm about to graduate with Biomedical Science Degree in Neurobiology and hopefully do research into SI and all other disorders that plague this board. I live for music too...and I play drums and piano and wanna be a rock star too :) Hehe.

Re: where is everyone from?
Posted by tiggerval on Thu Nov 8 01:53:53 2001 (#11737)

Hey, I'm Valorie, age 20, live near Tacoma, WA. I LOVE TIGGER!! I am studying to be a teacher for the deaf. I'm an Army brat and a chaplain's kid (It don't mean a thing, if it ain't got that SWING!) I've had my fair share of rebellion, including 8 psych hospitalizations! This would be my junior year of college, but thanks to my mental health (er, sickness) I'm still a freshman (GRR!!)

Re: where is everyone from?
Posted by sarah on Fri Nov 9 21:47:04 2001 (#11758)

hi. I am from near Manchester in England but i am in Wales at university in my final year of my degree - Social and Business Administration. i have no clue what i want to do with my life apart from help/work with people. i like most music, depending on my mood. linkin park & staind when i am low and poppy stuff like steps when i am feeling good. anyway thats me. sarah x

Re: where is everyone from?
Posted by Bina on Wed Nov 14 22:13:56 2001 (#11848)

hi! I'm from germany. I'm a 16 year old/young girl, and i love music too (silverchair, linking park, slipknot, sublime...), but i also love snowboarding, and i guess without music and snowboarding i weren't still alive... bye, bina!

Re: where is everyone from?
Posted by danielle on Wed Dec 5 01:53:20 2001 (#12710)

i know no one probably gives a shit and its a bit late but im 17, from kent in england. im a student in child care, i dunno what i wanna do with my life (apart from ending it) i like alternative rock stuff like marilyn manson, nirvana, slipknot, deftones to name a few and placebo i love placebo :)(and the beatles)

hope i didnt bore anyone too much

cuts
Posted by Mego on Thu Oct 25 03:33:59 2001 (#11238)

I don't know what to do anymore. Every time something goes wrong I cut myself. I always have to have a razor with me. What am I going to do? God, I think I'm crazy. Am I crazy? Nobody knows. Nobody can find out that I'm doing this again. They'll send me away. But I can't stop, I know I should but I don't want to. Someone please help me, I'm so confused. I've been doing this too long. I'm not even 15 yet, what will I do in a couple years when I run out of places to cut? Someone help me, please. I'm scared.

Re: cuts
Posted by KAT on Thu Oct 25 03:44:27 2001 (#11241)

it's okay, I promise. Just calm down. Im so sorry you've had to learn about things this way, the pain of life. Im in the same situation you are in, no one can know Im doing this again Its been too long, where will I cut ? Your not alone, I can asure you of that, I hope that makes you feel a little better. Your not crazy, far from it from what Ive read just in that one paragraph. Sweetheart just live one day at a time..for now. Razors blades are best friends to a person with a broken heart, this I understand. Just hang in there , Im here for you. Take care of yourself, your the only one like you!! Love and Hugs -KAT e-mail me if you wanna talk more! :)

Re: cuts
Posted by jue on Thu Oct 25 04:20:09 2001 (#11243)

hang in there sweetheart...i know the feeling. razors just seem to consume the whole being take away the goodness. they may be disguised as the best friend but i try to see them as the enemy. they used to be my life, i swear. but to quit they have to become the enenmy i believe.

Re: cuts
Posted by becky on Thu Oct 25 05:16:40 2001 (#11247)

Ahhh I'm all too fimilar with the position you're in. Man I'm so sure that you're not crazy... If you are than so am I. I know what it's like to always have a razor with you and I know what it's like for cutting to be the only answer, but things will get better. You know what they say you have to reach the bottom before you can come back up. Take care. Becky

MEGo..
Posted by diana on Thu Oct 25 21:40:26 2001 (#11263)

hey.. i was jus wonderin where u live n wuts u'r screen name or email address... because im like the same age as you.

Re: MEGo..
Posted by Mego on Fri Oct 26 04:43:26 2001 (#11290)

I don't want to post my e-mail address because I don't want there to be any way anyone can find out about this shit. I live near Chicago, in a crappy little suburb.

on a lighter note...maybe
Posted by jue on Thu Oct 25 04:24:17 2001 (#11244)

Here is the best quote. i think. right now anyway... "the tears i shed yesterday have become rain."

i think it is so beautiful, maybe the blackness that is felt now, will enhance the white later. like the tears yesterday can become the strength for today.

i don't know if anyone followed that. just a little of my philosophicalness coming out.heh.heh.heh.

love lots...take care...julie

Re: on a lighter note...maybe
Posted by KAT on Thu Oct 25 04:47:05 2001 (#11245)

I liked it Julie.
:)

Re: on a lighter note...maybe
Posted by star on Thu Oct 25 11:06:05 2001 (#11251)

Really beautiful! :) (()) Amz x

I HATE HIM, HATE HATE HATE HIM
Posted by jes on Thu Oct 25 14:16:09 2001 (#11254)

HOW COULD HE? HOW COULD I BE SO FUCKING STUPID? I HATE HIM AND I HATE ME. sorry, just need to shout and doing it for real isn't the best idea. take care, love jes xx

Re: I HATE HIM, HATE HATE HATE HIM
Posted by damaged on Thu Oct 25 22:06:23 2001 (#11265)

wow, who is he? shouting on paper is okay

Re: I HATE HIM, HATE HATE HATE HIM
Posted by jes on Fri Oct 26 15:40:34 2001 (#11295)

he's a fucking bastard is who he is. i trusted him so much.

Re: I HATE HIM, HATE HATE HATE HIM
Posted by star on Wed Oct 31 19:00:38 2001 (#11454)

Babe he is a fucking bastard and i cant believe what he did but you gotta not let it eat you up as thats what he wants ill look after you and so will emm, take care Amz xxxx

thoughts...
Posted by Marie on Thu Oct 25 15:36:43 2001 (#11256)

The colors of her life run down my cheeks as memories of her love flood my mind.. she is a battered and broken girl, too trusting, too naive... innocent no more... Now she is a wash of black and shades of grey in a world where the only colors are the angry red slashes of her salvation.... -Marie

Re: thoughts...
Posted by dying2die on Thu Oct 25 18:37:17 2001 (#11258)

wow that is really touching. its very deep

Re: thoughts...
Posted by becky on Thu Oct 25 22:26:48 2001 (#11267)

That's really good. I'm not much of a poerty reading kind of person, but that's one of the few I like. becky

IT's like this
Posted by Elisha on Thu Oct 25 21:10:54 2001 (#11261)

It's like this,people are affraid of me. I lost my boyfriend because of all this crap. It's just like no one inderstands, they think that I can just stop as if it were that easy. And now that I'm away from home and having to be social I don't feel sick all the time and this scares me and makes me feel like I'm losing myself. I'm becoming indifferent, it's like my sickness IS me. It's been me for so long that it's scary when I don't feel anything anymore. It's like I'm dead inside. How could I ask anyone to love me when I hate myself so much???

Re: IT's like this
Posted by sammie on Thu Oct 25 22:39:04 2001 (#11268)

What is it about yourself that you hate? Is it the cutting or that you can not feel it anymore? The family in your life will love you unconditionally no matter what you do. You just have to let them into your life. I hope this helps a little.

sammie

Re: IT's like this
Posted by KAT on Fri Oct 26 00:12:05 2001 (#11272)

I dont know how to answer your questions or what can make you feel better, but (Im sure youve heard this b4) youve gotta love yourself first, and the vibes you put out to people will make them come to you. Take care, I hope your feeling not so indifferent anymore Love KAt

Who am I?
Posted by becky on Thu Oct 25 22:55:21 2001 (#11269)

Did you ever feel like you weren't really you? You felt like you were a totaly different person. And when you look at the person that is suppose to be you and you notice them and you see what they're going through, but you don't really care... It's so hard to explain, but I feel like someone else, someone much better, someone that loves and can be loved lives inside of me. And I see that person and I feel sorry for her, but I really don't care enough to release her from her hell. I see how happy she could be, but I'm so jealous of that. I just don't get it. I'm so confused. Becky

Re: Who am I?
Posted by KAT on Fri Oct 26 00:15:29 2001 (#11273)

oh my god Becky, I totally understand that exactly. Like I wasnt supposed to be me, I was supposed to be something different, like my brain and the body I was in were totally opposite, its just a strange feeling. Ive taken a lot of time trying to explain that feeling to the counselors and nurses, doctors at *hospitals* yet they couldnt really give me any solutions. So I came to the board* a while ago* and some people here explained to me that is was like (I forgot the word ahh) well it was like I was seperating myself from my reality because it was either too much to handle or I didnt wanna handle it..so I hope that helped you out a little bit. take care Love KAT

KAT
Posted by becky on Fri Oct 26 00:57:05 2001 (#11274)

Hey KAT thanks... Yeah I can understand that. Usually when I try to explain it to people, they are just like "huh" and their mouths drop and you know it totally went over their head. OH well Thanks though... oh and thanks for many of your other responses. All were an encouragement. Oh and this is just a newer email. You could email me on this one or the other it doesn't matter. Becky

Re: Who am I?/ You are a splitter
Posted by Dawm on Fri Oct 26 02:53:07 2001 (#11278)

It feels weird, you can be talking and relatings facts, but not feeling the feelings because our minds do not want to admit we hate or resent or are afraid of certain people. So we split off and let one part feel nothing and the other, maybe strong part of us feel the feelings. Me, I go up into a corner and wait till it is safe to come back down. I've been doing it as I've written about it. I do it a lot. But I must be getting better because before I wasn't really aware of it.

Re: Who am I?/ You are a splitter
Posted by Becky on Fri Oct 26 03:45:48 2001 (#11282)

I don't get it... Ahhh I can't even understand me... I'm so stupid.

Re: Who am I?/ You are a splitter
Posted by becky on Fri Oct 26 04:07:17 2001 (#11286)

who am I anymore... I'm not the strong person people know me as... It's all been a show and now I don't remember who I was. Why am I crying? I never cry. Why does it have to hurt so much? I'm so weak. I can't live anymore. becky

Support Groups
Posted by *Poison on Thu Oct 25 23:51:20 2001 (#11271)

http://207.198.124.134/resourc es/us.htm#usg if u live in the US go here to see if there are any support groups etc around your area!

Re: Support Groups
Posted by sammie on Fri Oct 26 13:49:58 2001 (#11294)

thanks for the info. I leave in califorina and i think i will check it out.

sammie

Re: Support Groups
Posted by Dawn on Sun Oct 28 22:47:38 2001 (#11354)

I checked and there are no support groups in Oregon YET.

Disconnected
Posted by Ravenstar on Fri Oct 26 02:40:18 2001 (#11277)

It's been a while since I've been to this site but I'm glad to be back. Maybe you're the only ones who can understand what I'm going through. Depression is clamping right over me sealing in an emptiness like an envelope (licked & shut). I was recently kicked out of school. Last week I found out that my best and only friend is moving to Ontario. I don't feel connected or attched to anything. I feel like I'm hanging by a piece of thread blowing in the wind. I just don't know if I can take it anymore. I'm a complete failure.

You are not your feelings or thoughts
Posted by Dawn on Fri Oct 26 03:10:36 2001 (#11279)

It is very difficult to get my subject statement imprinted onto our brains but we are worth the effort to try it.

It is said I takes 21 days to form a habit, doing the same thing repetitive for 21 days can bring about many changes in how we see ourselves.

For instance I have been moleste, or raped, and had people set these things up or was present, every one counted up is over 150 people the majority being perpetrators themselves. Well those are only the different people, many molested or raped me many times. So I started seeing myself as a disgusting piece of shit. So I typed up "I am not my abuse. I took it to a printing place and had it blown up poster size and I put it on my wall, and smaller copies around my apartment. and after a couple of weeks I felt different. Now I can say it and mean it. I am not my abuse.

I've found that by taking little steps we can reprogram our minds.

hope this helped.....Dawn

Re: Disconnected
Posted by KAT on Fri Oct 26 04:35:52 2001 (#11287)

It's not your fault you friend is moving, obviously if you are here and it makes you feel better you are not! a complete failure. Keep fightin it, things get tough sometimes but (sorry to say it) thats life for ya. sometimes it gets real shitty and you think it just cant get worse then it does then it gets wonderful. Just try and tough it out through the shit in life to make it to the wonderful. Take care Love KAT

I'm taking a break for a few days
Posted by Dawn on Fri Oct 26 03:16:05 2001 (#11281)

My mind needs a break. So I won't be posting. For those who don't like what I write you can have a big party. For those who do like what I write I will still be checking my email and answering them. Stay safe. and remember one day one hour one minute at a time you can make it through.

Be back later.. Love and Hugs Dawn

Re: I'm taking a break for a few days
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Oct 26 04:00:00 2001 (#11285)

Take care Dawn, I love ya lots. I'll email ya later this weekend. Love, Rhonda

Re: I'm taking a break for a few days
Posted by KAT on Fri Oct 26 04:38:58 2001 (#11288)

I understand Dawn, take care..be checking your e-mails. Love ya much-Jessica (KAT)

i hear 1 shitty thing.. n i go off on myself
Posted by diana on Fri Oct 26 03:57:10 2001 (#11284)

i am used to hearing good things about me, but when i do hear that some1 talkin shit bout me when they don't even know me, pisses the hell outta me! but 2day i found out a couple seniors were talkin bout how im the preppy lil rich freshman who thinks im hot shit n all different shit like that. so of course that got to me, and i took it out on myself cuz i think im not good enough. so i cut myself twice 2day. damn..n i was hopin to stop lol. o well. i wonder if this is rock bottom yet...

Re: i hear 1 shitty thing.. n i go off on myself
Posted by KAT on Fri Oct 26 04:42:03 2001 (#11289)

Consider even wanting to cut rock bottom because honey you DONT WANT TO go down from there. People talk because they have nothing better to do, obviously they dont know you and your persoanlity, your a great person. Dont worry what other people are saying( I know its a hard thing to do). Especially girls *sorry girls* girls are gossipers, dont take it persoanlly hun. and Take care of yourself precious! ok!!!! no more cutting! Love ya KAT

thanks
Posted by Mego on Fri Oct 26 04:50:07 2001 (#11291)

Thanks to everyone who responded to that, I'm sorry that I freaked out like that, I've been doing that a lot lately, getting all crazy and scared. I'll be like that for a day or two then everything will calm down a little. God, this is the kind of stuff you see in movies, this isn't supposed to really happen to anyone. Shit, sorry about the language, I'm just used to always talking like that and it's kinda hard to stop, you know? I don't know. But thanks again to everyone who cared and responded. It means a lot.

things are just fucked up
Posted by kae on Fri Oct 26 05:20:51 2001 (#11292)

im fucking exhausted

last nite i went to bed earlier than usual but i still didnt get to sleep until 1.30 or so. its hopeless, ive been sleeping for 5 or less hours every night this week.

its been a week since my last real cutting. i wont count the one from a few nights ago, it was only small and desperate. im trying real hard....and now the whole mess is starting to have some effect on me. how can i do this? ive scarred myself beyond repair, its almost summer and theres going to be a hell of a lot of questions. what makes me madder is that the stupid counsellor at school hasnt bothered to help. i talked to her three times and she offered nothing. i have to do this on my own. im trying to b strong for my friend. the guy who raped her is fuckn hassling her. he dragged her around to his house and tried it again. again for fucks sake!!! this guy is next years head boy, the fucking school role model!!! and i cant say or do anything about it, because if he finds out my friend told me, he'll hurt her again. i hate him so much. i want to kill him, i want to make him sorry for the shit hes caused. i want everyone to know what he did. but i cant say anything.

i just want one night of sleep and one day of peace. i cant believe how much i looked forward to this year, i thought it would be the best year ever. but its been hell. i would never kill myself, but sometimes it seems like someone up there wants me to.

my brother, who is 13, acts like hes my second father. i mean, in the sense that he thinks hes got complete control over me, and that its his right to call me 'bitch' or 'woman' instead of my name. how many parents would allow this? mine do. he does it in front of them "fuck up you stupid fucking bitch" and they dont even speak up. if i retaliate, THATS when they speak up. its like, fucking hell!! who runs this house???

i guess no one will have read down to this far. im trying not to cut, i really am. but its hard. i'll get back to u on that one.

luv and hugz everyone, kae

Re: things are just fucked up
Posted by Dawn on Sat Oct 27 00:08:25 2001 (#11296)

I'm sorry you live in such an abusive environment. I have no words of wisdom. I've heard you says it is almost summer. That tell me you live in the land down under. It just turned fall here in Oregon, USA.

About the language, I'm a Christian, but there are times when situations are beyond phrases like"Bless You" or "Well Praise God"

I went to a T-shirt place once and had "I AM FUCKED UP" put on it. It summed my life up at that point in time. Another time I was having reocurring nightmare of guys grabbing my boobs and when I woke up I cut my boob.... learned a real big lesson too....not a good place to cut. Then I went to another novelty t-shirt shop and had "DON'T TOUCH ME" put on the shirt.... and amazingly the nightmares stopped, and have never came back.

I would tell you to not let what your family does get to you. But I've lived long enough to know its not that easy. I wish you well....Dawn

Re: things are just fucked up
Posted by Mego on Sat Oct 27 03:26:58 2001 (#11299)

Keep trying Kae, everything is so hard, I know. Families suck, just know that you won't ever be like them. I'm so sorry for everything you are going through. Don't give up.

why i hate him
Posted by jes on Sat Oct 27 00:54:09 2001 (#11297)

ok, so there's this guy i've known for about 10 years (im 17) and on wednesday, we went out for a drink, he was buying, and then he convinced me to go back to his mates house cos he said he was worried about him. Reluctantly i went because he's a friend and i didn't want to leave him to deal with it by himself (the other guys SI's). then this 'friend' of mine gives me some weed saying there's not much in it cos i had to catch my bus. then i wanted to sleep cos there was more than a little in it. so he says it'd be better for me to go into the bedroom, ten minutes later, he's in there with me saying he wants to talk cos he's bored. then he started getting all close and turned the light off and getting all touchy feely. and i know his is no excuse but wot with the booze and the weed, i couldn't seem to make my body mavo, so i was just lying there, trying to make him stop, when he puts his hand down my trousers adn starts off on that (i don't think i need detail). this scared me so i managed to push him away and i was sat on the edge of the bed saying, like, 'no, that was wrong'. and he says something like 'but i liked it, i want to keep going' so i say no, so he starts trying to put his hands up my top. by this point i wsa totally awake so i walked out, but he followed me. this is going on now, so, it was a big building, we got lost in the corridors (HUGE block of flats) i nearly opused him over cos he was following me, we got stuck in TWO lifts, he followed me to the bus-stop. AND THEN I TOLD HIM IT WAS OK AND WE WERE FINE. how fucking stupid am i? maybe i did just want to shut him up but why couldnt i have been stronger and told him what i really thought?? i trusted this guy with so much, and i was there for him and it scares me so much tot hink that this guy ive known for so long had it in him to take advantage and the thought that he could have raped me. maybe i'm over-reacting but that's how it seems, that if i'd been that lil' bit worse for wear, i might not have 'woken up' so easily. i hate myself, now i hate him and it's all ruined.

xxx

(sry tis long...not too good at condensing)

Re: why i hate him
Posted by kae on Sat Oct 27 04:57:44 2001 (#11300)

hey hun

its not your fault that this happened. when guys get an idea in their head, its pretty much impossible to fob them off. they'll do whatever is in their power to get it sometimes, despite what u say or do. thats the part i hate about this world, that guys can be so cruel. imagine a woman behaving like that!! and yet society seems to accept this male habit. i say, to hell with the lot of them.

the best thing you can do now is to keep away from him. let him know that hes pissed you off, make him damn sorry. he needs to learn that this is NO way to treat a girl, and that he can never do shit like that again.

hope you feel better soon. :)

luv and hugz, kae

Re: why i hate him
Posted by jes on Sat Oct 27 14:50:00 2001 (#11311)

thank you. :-) xxx

Re: why i hate him
Posted by KAT on Sat Oct 27 15:23:15 2001 (#11313)

your not over reacting, NO ONE has the right to touch someone else like that unless they say before hand its okay, NO ONE!!! No matter how long youve known each other or much or little they touch you. Also I dont wanna stick up for the guy ,but I have been on drugs a large portion of my life(illegal ones) and alcohol is a drug and you loose all your scenses of what your actually doing (alot of the time). not all the time, but yeah Im sure you already know this DRUGS FUCK YOU UP. So I dont know exactly what to do know..maybe if you feel comfortable enough you can talk to him about it and maybe he'll apologize although I think you should give it some time till you cool off...words do hurt, Im soooo so sorry you had to experience that shit from another human being. You did the right thing and Your very brave, alot of women would of stayed there and suffered the consicuences. Please take care and continue being strong. Love and hugs-Jessica (KAT)

You have every right to hate him
Posted by Dawn on Sun Oct 28 02:38:01 2001 (#11325)

Jes, I think you and most people on here know my history. I want you to know I'm proud of you and a little jealous. You walked away.

I want to pass on a little wisdom, and hope other female read it and take it to heart.

I have learned that guys plan these encounters. They use alcohol and drugs to lower your risistance and inhabitions. Then they come up with some bogus reason to get you to go to their place or somewhere else, where you are out of your territory and therefore basically trapped in their's. Then they put their moves on their prey and usually win because the girls are doped out of their minds and cannot fight them off. You are lucky you got away with only mollestation, which is a sexual assault and should be reported to the police. Who know how many girls he has succeeded in raping.

I believe if you even go to the police station and make a report it will make you a stronger person, even if you doesn't go to jail. It will set a president in you that will be even stronger if such thing happens again.

I support you all the way. And please don't be afraid to say that you had smoked weed, that did not give him permission to do what he did. Love and hugs..Dawn

thanl-you everyone
Posted by jes on Mon Oct 29 00:05:32 2001 (#11363)

umm, that's abot it really, i just wanted to say thank-you. I still can't help thinking that there's more I could/should have done, but thank-you for your support. Dawn- I think I probably agree, but I don't think I could go to the police. i know it sounds stupid, but I can't do it. I'm not strong enough to put myslef through that or to put him through it, even if he does deserve it. I haven't even told anyone yet. Oh shit, I haven't told anyone and they could read this. I think maybe i should, but i'm ashamed/embarrassed. I dunno, i suppose i should say b4 they read this. but i don't know if i can, i feel soo stupid even tho u all say it's not my fault. but thank-you any way. love n hugs, jes xx

My Farewell
Posted by Dawn on Sat Oct 27 02:17:33 2001 (#11298)

I came to this board a cutter looking for people like myself who cut but are trying to get well. There are some here who are fighting the battle, sometimes slipping, as I do, then getting back on track.

Some change has came over me. It is that my eyes have been open to seeing cutting and thoughts of suicide a no win solution to the problems we all face everyday.

There is also a great deal of competition of counting cuts, describing the blood. Focusing on the act of cutting without addressing the reasons why we put the blade or devise to our flesh.

I believe God brought me here. I needed things to learn, things to say, and things to do.

when emm posted that she swallowed a bunch of pills and said good bye I tried to locate her to get someone there before she left this world.

Today I notified police that a friend on mine from this board is seriously considering ending her life. I do not believe I betrayed a trust. I believe that hopefully I'm saving her life. I could not live with myself if she killed herself and I had done nothing with the information I had.

I am afraid that many of you too will feel I betrayed her trust. And knowing that you would not feel safe on this board. So rather than that I am going to leave the board permenately.

My email address will still be in use. Hopefully I will not receive any hate mail. If I do I will delete the address all together.

Stay Alive....Dawn

Re: My Farewell
Posted by KAT on Sat Oct 27 14:18:42 2001 (#11308)

Dawn, a while ago I left the board b/c it was very triggering to me at the time.Unfortunatly I was drawn back by the blood from my wrists once again becoming my escape..many young young! people on here, and much less wise then you are(wisdom comes with time *sometimes) *not saying that anyone is ignorant*. You know how to reach me, Thank you for everything you have given me, I can honestly say that because of you I feel at one point (possibly more) you've saved me from my own demise. I love you Dawn take care and be strong, I'll e-mail ya ASAP. Love Jessica (KAT)

Re: My Farewell
Posted by jes on Sat Oct 27 14:59:56 2001 (#11312)

hey, I just wanted to say that you have done soo many good things on here and that doesn't stop with what you have done for your friend. This board is for support, and even tho' the person may not see it at the moment, saving their life is one of the best forms of support you can give to someone. i hope that i'm not the only one who can see this now, (sure i'm not). take care, and feel welcome by many if you feel the need to come back. love, jes xxx

Re: My Farewell
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Oct 27 19:08:53 2001 (#11315)

Dawn. You have done a lot of good for people of this board and I probably would have done the same thing as you have done. Please don't feel guilty as you may have saved your friends life. Although she may be upset with you, on down the road, she will realize how much you care for her. Please, please don't let this upset you too much. I will, of course, still be emailing you. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

* Please read. I guess I'm still welcome here
Posted by Dawn on Sun Oct 28 02:08:17 2001 (#11324)

I want everyone who has emailed me, and posted a response on this board a big thank you for your support.

I came here as a cutter needing other cutters. I came back to be a helper in the healing process, to give support, friendship, and whatever wisdom I have gained during my process of healing.

But I want everyone to know that if I have information about a person and that person is on the verge of killing themselves I will give whatever information I can find to someone who can reach that person before they are found DEAD..... suicide is not the answer. We do not have to die to get past the despair and misery behind the cutting.

I know that cutting is a release, is a pacifier to thought of suicide. It helps us keep living..... with the hope that before the day comes when we decide we can't live in misery a minute more.... peace will come.

I thank God in heaven for keeping me in the palm of his hand through all these years while I held on to that hope even while cutting that life will get better and it has.

I know many of you don't like what I say, you perscecute me for my faith, you say I judge, that I am hard, that I lecture. Maybe you are right. But I simply say what is on my heart at the time. Which is the exact same freedom you have and exercise.

So I put this on record. I am going to exercise my right to speak what's on my heart and I will do so whenever I feel called to do it. If you do not like it don't read it. It is as simple as that.

I think I'm going to kill myself
Posted by Alana on Sat Oct 27 05:20:34 2001 (#11301)

I've thought it through...its all I've been thinking about all day. I want to die. I have this uneasy feeling inside of me, and I really just want to run away from it all. If hiding under my duvet (which I do everyday) worked, I wouldn't turn to this resort. Nothing works, and nothing ever gets better. It only gets worse. Sure, things can look bright sometimes, but ya know what, the next time you fall its ever harder. I can't stand to cut myself everyday in hopes that someone will notice and care. My plan - OD on Wednesday..200 aleve, 5 ecstacy and a mickey of vodka should do it. Wow, what an expensive death. Maybe I'll just hang myself to avoid all the drama and sickness. We'll see.

I'm dead.

Love, Alana

Re: I think I'm going to kill myself
Posted by *Poison on Sat Oct 27 07:23:13 2001 (#11303)

The question is...do you really want to die? because if u really wanted to, why wouldn't you already be dead? why would you tell us your plan so we may stop you. If you want help, ask for it, thats what we're here for, but please, PLEASE, don't say you are going to kill yourself without true meaning...and damn did i just sound like a bitch...sorry..long day.. but really, think about it before you do it. is that really the way you want people to remember you? think of the day after, or on ur funeral, (no matter what parents always cry) (unless their in too much shock) but ok...i'm done...and yes you can yell at me if you want. i deserve it. but i just never saw the point in taking pills to kill yourself...it takes forever, chances are that you'll live, just ruin your liver or such...and end up back in a hospital, and most likely worse than you were before, cause they drag up a bunch of old shit, and add that on top with everything else....i don't know, i've very cynnical now, but if it were me, i'd do the same thing...ok i better shut up now before i get myself into more trouble.

KoKo

Re: I think I'm going to kill myself
Posted by jue on Sat Oct 27 09:55:19 2001 (#11305)

Alana...

please be careful. Do you remember Doris's poem HELL??? even if you don't believe in God or anything, i hope you can remember it. It was sooo much about how death and how it is not how she expected it to be. i just don't think it is the solution. i know you think nothing will get better, and i don't know what to say, except to be careful, and that i wish i could stop you. but i don't know what to do or anything...

please take care of yourself in whatever way possible...love lots.. julie

Re: I think I'm going to kill myself
Posted by KAT on Sat Oct 27 14:24:46 2001 (#11309)

Oh god told me not to respond to this but how can I not. Im so upset ..this is one of the reasons I left the board the first time, to see a person you care for go through this and actually put her thoughts out for you to see..its all very disturbing.Im sure Alana you didnt mean to harm any of us, and I hope to GOD you were just blowing off steam.I cant say much more, my heart hurts I love you Alana- JessicA K.P. (KAT)

*sigh*
Posted by *Poison on Sat Oct 27 07:43:48 2001 (#11304)

why does it have to be like this? i'm moving (again)back to my mom's house now, my aunts and uncles are now pushing themselves into my life, because they don't think my mom is raising me right, they are forcing me through guilt to life with my uncle and his wife, but i got around that by saying i would try out my mom's house and give her one last chance, then if it didn't work out i would go...i just moved in with my dad here a year ago, almost to the exact day, i made one really good friend that i truely would do anything for. I have never felt so close to anyone and had someone know that much about me, and now it will be gone.. i know what you're probably thinking, if he is a true friend we will continue to be friends, but it never ends up that way, no matter what anyone says time, and living in different places, espically when you're a teenager ruin even the strongest friendship. I sometimes wish that we would be going out instead of his other girlfriend Crystal. He hurts him sooo much that i just wanna punch her in the nose. i don't know what i am going to do without him. if it weren't for him..i really WOULD be dead. my life is going to go downhill so fast now, becasue of this, because having the person i used to/still do/ love pretty much never talk to me, mainly because of my cutting, and because my family wants me to see a psychoanalysist. they all think i was sexually abused as a child, doctors think i was sexually abused as a child, but it is not there! the memory is not there! and yes i know it is very easy to block it out, and dissociate but still, i don't know, i sometimes think that i just read too much and my mind makes up these stories and i actually begin to believe them. possibly make up a scene in my head. i don't know, i just want to be alone, and wait till i'm 18 to do this all on my own (on my own, pretending he's beside me...all alone i walk with him till morning.....) (Les Miserables) but everyone wants me to do it now, so they can be there for me, but when do they realize that i never goto them for help? EVER! it's just like "PLEASE! SPEED UP TIME SO I CAN LEAVE!" i dunno...i'm fukked up..

KoKO

Re: *sigh*
Posted by jue on Sat Oct 27 10:03:18 2001 (#11306)

i'm sorry. i wish it weren't that way. i was just thinking how good it would be if my counsellor ( he's a new one, i like him), was sitting here with me with his arms around me. i don't know why. he just makes me feel safe and cared for. maybe that is all i want unconditional love... maybe sometimes it helps to think that things would be good if we still knew someone...i don't know...i'm sorry i'm confused tonight too. i just want to be there to help, but i know i am not able. i hope things are okay. nothing can be promised but we can hope right??? right???? our hopes aren'nt vain... i know it. some of my have come true.

take care...love lots...julie

Re: *sigh*
Posted by Alana on Sat Oct 27 20:36:03 2001 (#11317)

If I'm correct, you are also whining. So what's the problem with me doing it? I'm sorry, but yes your post was mean and bitchy. I'm not sure what I expected by posting that. Definately not that though.

Re: *sigh*
Posted by sammie on Sun Oct 28 01:03:06 2001 (#11323)

I would think that your family wanting to help you would make you feel a little better about yourself. Knowing that they care and they are willing to help and stand by you. I know when I first cut myself and hid in my room all the time and my parents found out. They checked me into to a hospital right away and the rest of my family thinks I'm pyscho and beyond help. So if I were you I would hold onto the caring family as close to you as you can and let them be part of your life if there willing. I wish I was part of your family. maybe things would be better for me. Can we trade?

sammie

i wish...
Posted by jue on Sat Oct 27 10:09:43 2001 (#11307)

i want to be there for everyone. i want to take away everyone's pain and sadness. i don't want anyone to hurt. i want everyone to feel loved. i just want to give so much more than i have, i want to be so much more than i am. i just wish i could touch each person that has ever felt that unbearable ache of hurt in their heart. i can't though...i am just not enough. i am just not able. i am not strong enough. i am not healthy enough. i am not stable enough. i am too mixed up myself...but i am thinking of everyone tonight. everyone that has touched this board and every soul that has ached in pain.

lots of love...julie

Re: i wish...(EVERYONE READ)
Posted by KAT on Sat Oct 27 14:28:01 2001 (#11310)

I couldnt have said it better myself, my thoughts exactly. I love you girls! (and boys) :) Please take care of yourself you are far more precious then you may think you are Love always Jessica (KAT)

Re: i wish...(EVERYONE READ)
Posted by Dawn on Sun Oct 28 02:51:50 2001 (#11326)

I agree. You all are not alone in your pain. Many of us know the pain that screams at us to find relief fast and bloody. But just take a minute and think about this. How much blood letting do you have to do to change your life" And is it changing it?

It will never stop as long as Im living...
Posted by KAT on Sat Oct 27 16:00:00 2001 (#11314)

This isnt a plea for suicide, thank god Im not there (again). Last night I had one some shorts under a pair of pants and I took off the pants b/c it got hot, there were a few people there along w/ my best friend who leaned over to me and said " I dont think you should wear shorts". She said that b/c of the scars I have, the scars Ive made. It broke my heart just that simple thing...b/c I know as long as I live Ill have questions and those fucking scars. Its like a disease, when people see the scars on my wrists(or wherever) they freak out, Im not very sensitive about my past (anymore) and believe me its hell seeing the person you almost took your life over every other weekend. Its kinda difficult, how do I manage I have no fucking clue. (sorry for the language). Anyway..Im just confused..I mean Im so mad at myself for scaring up my body but at the same time I know if it hadnt of been for the cutting I might of not been here today because I would have just built up so much hatred and anger. too much for one person to live with. Anyway I guess Im just talking to myself...no need to respond, theres not much anyone can say take care. Love ya

Re: It will never stop as long as Im living...
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Oct 27 19:17:25 2001 (#11316)

I kind of think of the scars as battle scars. Everyone of ya'll have been, or are, in battles. The scars are your way of coping without killing yourself. Personally, I would rather see scars than see someone I care about dead. To me it shows that you are fighting for your life and winning. Who cares what everyone else says. If I'm okay with my self, it doesn't matter to me what every one around me thinks. Of course, that is just my opinion. It may bother some of you for others to see and judge your scars. Anyway, please know that I don't care about anyones scars, just that they are coping the best way they know how. I care about all of you. Take care. Love, Rhonda

But without those scars you might not be living
Posted by Dawn on Sun Oct 28 02:12:22 2001 (#11327)

Rhonda said it well. We have battle scars. We battle against thoughts of suicide and every time the battle is over and a new scar is made WE HAVE SURVIVED.

Can you believe it, I forget my scars are there. Then I catch someones eyes on them and then quickly look away. I usually turn to them and say that is what I do to myself when I feel bad.

If the wounds my mother made to my heart showed up on the outside I would not be ashamed to say, "That's where my mom beat me," Or if emothional wounds from rape showed on the outside on me I would be scarred from head to toe. Every scar on the outside of my body came from an outside event that caused me so much pain that my insides spit it out and it showed up with stitches, and left scars. Now I don't want to kill myself any more.... I've got past that....hallelujah!!!

just checking in....
Posted by lys on Sat Oct 27 21:40:40 2001 (#11318)

well, I have been doing okay, but I guess right now the problems lies with whether or not to start on new medications. I have 3 people trying to get me to go see a shrink, and they all say the it is for meds. But i don't know if i want them. I mean, i hate not being able to think properly, and that is what meds have always done to me. see, I hsve been getting very paranoid lately, about everything, and I know that if meds would help with just that, I would take them without hesitation. But the have side effects too, ones that I don't think I can deal with... I am just confused... but anyways, I am doing well. I have not been cutting as much as before, although I will have my periods of either good or bad. well, I have to go, because I have to go get ready for a party tonight (b-b-que, alcohol, and drugs, yeah!). take care, lyssie

Re: just checking in....
Posted by ella on Sat Oct 27 22:45:56 2001 (#11322)

hi im new here. im ella 19, from manchester uk. ive just stopped taking my prozac and promazine as i feel they control me, i want to be in control not the quacks or the chemicals in medication. my anti depressant is cutting, burning etc. then im in control. i know i should be taking them but cant face knocking them back daily!

so i know how u feel. i get paranoid too, i also have a personality disorder.

have a gud time at the party, get pissed for me will ya! heehee! nice to meet ya take care lol -Ella-x-

Re: just checking in....
Posted by lys on Thu Nov 1 23:30:42 2001 (#11486)

well, I drank enough for 4 people, and still didn't have a hangover!!! so, I would say that it was good....

Re: just checking in....
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Oct 28 02:59:22 2001 (#11329)

Hey lys, Thought I'd try and give you some advice. IF you take it ,fine, if not, that's okay too. If you find the RIGHT meds, they won't mess you up.They will help you. but you also need to find someone who will talk to you and help you sort things out. That could be a challange. I hope you do, not for me but for you. You deserve to have a life without going through hell all the time. Like I said, you can take it the advice or leave it. It is, afterall, your decision. Just think about it a little bit, okay? Take care and stay strong. Love, Rhonda

a few thoughts about death and suicide....
Posted by lys on Sat Oct 27 21:45:50 2001 (#11319)

well, right now, something triggered me, and I want to die. However, I am stuck because I am now living a completely different life, and I have not yet figured out how my craziness fits into the framework. I am afraid it doesn't anymore. I feel that with the life I am living now, I have no choice as to wwhether or not I live or die. Now I just cut. But it is sometimes not enough, not just to have the lack of choice to commit suicide, but the inability to even think about it anymore. I can no longer think about the ways in which I might die, because I know that I am no longer allowed to. I feel trapped. Some people would say that this is good, and yet if you have lived my life and know how i feel, you would understand more how this feeling of no control hurts me. I have to go.... take care...

Re: a few thoughts about death and suicide....
Posted by Dawn on Sun Oct 28 22:20:12 2001 (#11352)

Lys, I understand how it feels when people that away control of your life, even when they tell you it is for "YOUR OWN GOOD." It sucks.

But sometimes when we are mentally ill we are not thinking clearly, and it really is for our own good. I've been there. And hindsight looks different now. And I am grateful for those counselors, friends, and family members who took the risk of losing my trust, my friendship, and my forgiveness, because they saw me as a danger to myself.

Lys, be patient. It may take years before you are grateful. But hopefully one day it will come.

Re: a few thoughts about death and suicide....
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Tue Oct 30 10:34:13 2001 (#11410)

.... I don't evin know what to say anymore. I'm proud that you have a new life and are trying really hard, but at the same time I'm a bit concernd that evin with the new you thing you would still want to die.... can't say that I'm compleatly innocent of having those feelings myself but as long as we try I guess it really doesn't mater right?

Drew. :-| ???

Re: a few thoughts about death and suicide....
Posted by lys on Thu Nov 1 23:28:17 2001 (#11485)

well, I am doing better than i was before, in january. And the months that followed. In fact, at some points I feel that I may one day be a real person. I am glad you are trying drew, it is really important. And I am not a new me, just a different type of life. I am living on my own, and that means that I have a whole new set of responcibilities. But I am still me, both good and bad. well, take care, lyssie

LOOSER
Posted by ella on Sat Oct 27 22:33:37 2001 (#11321)

HI IM NEW HERE, IM A TOTAL LOOSER, I HATE MYSELF. I HAVE A PERSONALITY DISORDER, AGORAPHOBIA, SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER, DISOCIATION, DEREALISATION, DEPRESONALISATION, OCD, EATING DISORDER, I S/HARM, DEPRESSION PANIC ATTACKS AND ANXIETY ATTACKS. IM HOUSE BOUND NO FRIENDS NO LOVE NO MONEY NO LIFE TOO MANY PROBLEMS AND NEED TO END IT ALL. IM TOO NUMB TO CRY I PUNISH MYSELF BY S/HARM I WANT TO KILL MYSELF BUT CANT AS IM TOO FAT IF I DIED AND THEN WAS STRIPPED, AND WOTEVER ELSE THEY DO TO DEAD BODIES ID BE LAFFED AT FOR BEING FAT AND UGLY. EATING IS KILLING ME I STARVE I BINGE I LOOSE WEIGHT I PILE IT ALL BACK ON AND MORE STOPPED TAKIN MY MEDICATION I DONT NEED TO BE CONTROLLED BY IT IM IN CONTROL I LIE TO EVERYONE, FAMILY, THERAPISTS "YEAH IM FEELING FINE!" WRONG..BIG LIE I FRONT IT UP LIKE IM FINE BUT UNDER THE SURFACE IM CRACKING TRYING NOT TO BE PUT IN HOSPITAL AGAIN FOR THIS XMAS LIKE LAST YR BUT THAT IS LOOKING TO COME MORE AND MORE TRUE, IM GETTING DESPERATE NOW WHAT SHOULD COULD I DO? HHHEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPP PPP!!!!!!!! PLZ EMAIL ME! -Ella-x-

Re: LOOSER
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Oct 28 03:06:47 2001 (#11330)

Ella, Take a deep breath. Welcome to the best place(I think) to come. There are so many here that can help you. I don't cut but I try to help the ones who do without judging them. I've been through all this with my daughter,Tara. She's doing okay, but I still come here to catch up with everyone and try in my own way to help. Some times it works and sometimes it doesn't. Anyway, if you ever want to talk, feel free to email me. I'm a pretty good listener. Take care. Love, Rhonda

change changes things
Posted by Dawn on Sun Oct 28 02:40:58 2001 (#11328)

I used to have recurring nightmares. So out of desperation and to give a message to the world I went to a tshirt shop and had the phrase "Don't Touch Me" put on it and I wore it for three days and the nightmares stopped.

Sometimes all we have to do is stop running from our pain and facing it. Looking at it from many angles, telling someone helps get it outside of ourselves.

On the board here we discover we can talk with ease about something we did in secret and we find support, which makes the focus of the board on what we do in response to our pain.

How about trying something new and sharing about what it is take causes the pain. Doing so may feel awkward or ever fearful at first. But keeping the cause of the pain a secret makes it bigger and keeps you cutting.

I want it over, I want it dead
Posted by Alana on Sun Oct 28 05:47:35 2001 (#11331)

Its not that I want to die, its just that I was that deep intense depression that lives inside of me to die. I've tried many things to kill it, but it just keeps on coming back. So the only solution to my pain is to end it physically. Die.

Cutting just doesn't cut it anymore (no pun intended) it only works for so long, and then even that turns its back on you.

My advice to the world - laugh and trust nobody.

Love, Alana

Re: I want it over, I want it dead
Posted by Dawn on Sun Oct 28 09:06:23 2001 (#11337)

Alana, I know what it is like when the journey keeps getting longer and you strength and "fail safe" methods of distracting your mind from its problems fails you. I've been there.

I know how your insides scream at you and tells you that the only to be free of the pain and constant turmoil is to end you life, but like you I didn't really want to be dead. I just wanted peace.

It took me years of living one more day for me to get to the place where my biggest stress is how do I help you, and the others here find that peace you are searching for.

I will tell you this the answer is in some of my other posts which I know you don't want to read or consider.

In AA and NA there is a slogan "First Things First" which is boiled down to "I am in deep shit and I cannot kick, scream, or crawl my way out. I need help.

When you are sick and tired of your battle with drugs and alcohol there will be a group where you can find the tools to help you climb out. But until you do that first step you will keep wallowing in your shit.

It is your choice. You are in control of you destiny. No one on this board can do your work for you. But don't forget that even though we cannot do it for you everyone here is here to support you on your journey

Feeling very very down
Posted by KAT on Sun Oct 28 05:48:00 2001 (#11332)

Im here, its a Saturday night. First saturday night in a long time ive been home, and not out partying w/ my friends. I was honestly picturing the shock on everyones face as they would wake up sunday morning to find me dead and no clue why. Im here bc I dont wanna kill myself, but my urges are taking over. Im feeling very sad..

Re: Feeling very very down
Posted by Alana on Sun Oct 28 05:50:25 2001 (#11333)

Join the party. Do you have msn?

Re: Feeling very very down
Posted by KAT on Sun Oct 28 06:09:32 2001 (#11334)

nope..I sure dont

can't cry
Posted by Lecy on Sun Oct 28 08:34:20 2001 (#11336)

hey well i'm new here and i was wondering if anyone has the same problem as me?? yeah sure i cut and all that but the main issue is that i can't cry. No matter how much i try and cry i can't. All my friends are like "crying helps it really does' but i just can't. And even when i see someone crying i think "oh man crying is so stupid." It probably sounds really really dumb but i just can't cry. It's not that i don't want to it's just that i don't see any point in crying and i've told myself for so long not to cry and seem really pathetic, that now, when i want to cry i just can't. Please if anyone understands what i mean could you please reply?? thankyou

Toodles

Lecy Lu

Re: can't cry
Posted by kae on Sun Oct 28 09:57:53 2001 (#11338)

hey honey

i totally 100% understand what you mean. even during the worst times i couldn't shed a tear. i would sit on my bed, surround myself with photos of 'happy times' and will myself to start bawling. but i couldnt. i would think about how terrible everything was, how i wasnt really coping, how much i hated the bastard who hurt my best friend so much. BUT I COULDNT CRY.

cutting kills your emotions. your pain is not expressed through sorrow, but thru blood and physical pain. crying is no longer an option. cutting numbs you emotionally....you dont feel sadness nor happiness, because cutting has almost literally cut that away from you.

im tryin really hard at the moment to quit cutting. its almost summer and im dying in long sleeved tops. i havent cut for a week and two days!! :) i feel great. and last week, i cried my eyes out for the first time in months. my best friend rang and told me all about how the fuckwit (the guy who raped her) had basically dragged her round to his place and tried it again. luckily she got out of the situation. but as she was telling me i couldnt control myself and started sobbing uncontrollably. she got a shock, but at the same time she was relieved because she knows i havent been able to cry in ages due to cutting.

please think about what i said. il help u anytime you need help. just email me. :)

luv and hugz, kae

Re: can't cry
Posted by Lecy on Sun Oct 28 10:59:57 2001 (#11340)

thanks heaps kae it's nice to know someone feels the same, because there are so many people that think it's stupid. Well i hope ur friend is ok because rape is the most awful bullshit that could ever happen to someone and i wish they would just shoot all the mutha fuckas who think that rape is cool coz they are the ones that are mussed in the head. Well anyway hope ur ok and good on ya, you can stop the cuttin just tell yourself you can and you will it's ok. *huggles* Lecy Lu

Re: can't cry
Posted by sara on Sun Oct 28 21:22:42 2001 (#11347)

oh..i know how you feel! and how much it hurts not to cry. everyone one tells me its ok to cry, but its not. anyway...have a great day :-)

sara

Re: can't cry
Posted by KAT on Sun Oct 28 23:09:43 2001 (#11358)

Just try and allow yourself to cry.Everyone cries at one point or another thats why humans were born with tear ducts. Crying cleanses the soul, Im sure when your ready to let your feelings out you'll cry. and crying does make things feel a bit better for the time being good luck -KAT

Re: can't cry
Posted by jes on Mon Oct 29 00:22:13 2001 (#11365)

hey, i know how you feel. there are times when i am soo close to crying, i mean, like, tears just starting to well up, and then it just stops. I'm like, 'I NEED TO CRY' then there's other times when i think, hmm well normally i'd cry now, but why?? but n e way, ur not alone. take care, love n hugs, jes xx

Re: can't cry
Posted by *Poison on Tue Oct 30 23:36:12 2001 (#11423)

I used to have that EXACT same problem, foe the life of me i couldn't cry...but lately even the stupidest things make me want to cry, like watching "a wedding story" on TV..how pathetic is that! i'm not sure what it is but i think it might have something to do with my medication. who knows! i just hate crying so much now!!!!!!!(never thought i'd say that)

KoKo

Re: can't cry
Posted by Jess on Sat Nov 3 01:50:14 2001 (#11536)

I find that I do not allow myself to cry. My tears show that I am weak. I will cut deeper and harder until the urge to let my tears fall has passed. Does anyone understand that?

cutting myself to help
Posted by Lexie on Sun Oct 28 10:05:30 2001 (#11339)

Hi,

My name is Lexie and i have cut myself a lot to ease the pain of what I am going thorough. Cutting is like an addiction, that I can't stop. I was scared at first to do it, but I did it when I was standing at the kitchen sink washing knives. From that day on, I kept on doing it. I do it cos I am severely depressed, and I was too scared to do my wrists, but the other day I cut my wrists, but I didn't kill myself. People ask me what is wrong with my arms, and I tell them that the cat next door scracthed me. Only my cousellors and true friends know the truth, althought I guess some people have guessed the truth, but are too scared to say anything. I thought I was crazy, but hten I found out that one of my friends has done it before. Lately I have been really depressed, so they put me on medication, but it's not helping, so I started to cut mysefl again. I like seeing the blood and red marks. I went from a knife, cos that wasn't cutting properly, to a razor balde, and that works really, really well. I was surprised at how well it worked. I now went from just cutting my arms to cutting my shoulders, arms, legs, ankles, stomach and chest. It brings a great release of the pain, cos I have to focus on the physical pain, not the mental pain. I am really scared though, cos they nearly put me in hospital the other day, after what I did to my wrists, and I was wondering if people would please write back with support cos I feel alone at the moment?

Love Lexie

Re: cutting myself to help
Posted by Jenny on Sun Oct 28 12:31:10 2001 (#11342)

ou are soo sweet course we are here to help you when ever you need it just drop me an email and ill do wot eva I can, all I ask is taht you keep your cutting to one place coz you will regret it one day Love Jenny

Re: cutting myself to help
Posted by KAT on Sun Oct 28 23:15:25 2001 (#11360)

Hi, Ive been through all of that, almost exactly. You are so not crazy, although the only thing I did differently was starting out w. things like pen caps and ull objects to razor blades. Never used a knife. and I also vowed never to cut the wrists, but that ended soon. Sweetheart I hope you get better soon b/c things progress really quickly sometimes and its hard to stop the train once its goin, you know. Hopitals arent as bad as they may sound, its kind of like a break from life, although you do have to return to life. and living in a hopsital isnt reality so you've got to manage how to deal w/ the shit life throws at you. Im here if you ever need me. Medications take a while to kick in because your body has to process them, sometimes youll have to try 2 or 3 different kinds before you find the one that suits you the best. But overall they do help ALOT! and I hope your feeling better in the days to come take care hugs love ya much KATfeel free to e-mail me anytime

Re: cutting myself to help
Posted by jes on Mon Oct 29 00:12:17 2001 (#11364)

hey hun, ur in the right place! All of us have either been where you are now, are heading that way, or have been stopped from getting that far from a mixture of support from ppl around you and ppl on HERE. so welcome! love n hugs, jes xx

Re: cutting myself to help
Posted by Jessica on Sat Nov 10 17:45:59 2001 (#11765)

How old r u peepl that do that ? I've been doing it for almot 2 years...please w/b Jessica

Re: cutting myself to help
Posted by Aspen on Tue Nov 13 05:32:15 2001 (#11810)

I am new here too, and once I read your message, I had to respond. I've been cutting on and off for nearly three years and have also vowed never to do my wrists, although I have come very close. I agree that hospitals aren't that bad and if you're in need of professional help, it can be a major life line. If you feel you can survive without that help please contact any of us when you are having problems, I am sure we are all willing to help!

Re: cutting myself to help
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Oct 30 01:37:13 2001 (#11392)

Hi Lexie, If your medication for depression isn't working, tell your doctor you want to try something else. Tara had to change meds 3 times before finding one that worked. Please take care of yourself and if you ever want to talk, just email me. Love, Rhonda

Re: cutting myself to help
Posted by Pippa on Mon Nov 5 22:24:25 2001 (#11653)

Hi my names Pippa and i do exactly the same as you. i feel the same although i keep it a complete secret. your right it takes away the mental pain at least for a couple of minutes. sometimes the only reason i do it is coz i feel so alone please e-mail me back. ~Pippa.

Re: cutting myself to help
Posted by sarah on Tue Nov 6 12:41:19 2001 (#11685)

hi. i do exactally the same as all of you. i started cutting a year ago and its been an obsession ever since. it is so hard because if i had a problem with eating or alcohol there would be pleanty of help avaliable, but with cutting there is such a stigma about it. but it is great that people can talk about it, and know that i am not alone. take care and email if you want. love sarah xx

L I F E ! ! ! ! !
Posted by Jenny on Sun Oct 28 12:04:47 2001 (#11341)

Y am I here? who put me here? some little bastard now i ave to suffer. The two people that I really trust have fallen out with me. they probably think im a little piss head its only been friday nights for the past 4 weeks so y, people do it like tht all the tim all i want is for them to like me. else.......................... ..

Re: L I F E ! ! ! ! !
Posted by Dawn on Sun Oct 28 21:48:02 2001 (#11351)

Jenny, please forgive me, but I don't have a clue what you just said. I know it had to do with 2 of your best friends, or were they your parents, failing you in some way.

I've noticed that often times when people from other places in the USA or other countries post or respond there is a translation problem. Or it could be you are young and I am 49 and the gap is difficult to cross.

I want to help!!!!! email me and we'll try and maybe we can work out the problem. Love and Hugs.... Dawn

Re: L I F E ! ! ! ! !
Posted by KAT on Sun Oct 28 23:17:55 2001 (#11361)

people will like you for who you are, if they dont like you dont worry about it. Its their problem not yours. Take care and trust me , we can all be pursued by happyness by the wrong things, so be careful -KAT

Message for Kat
Posted by Aneglica on Sun Oct 28 16:50:00 2001 (#11343)

Hi, I would appreciate it if you would get a life and stop getting your friends to hassle me. A girl has been abusing me by instant message and I know she is a friend of yours. Her screen name is ColdKrackKitten or something similar. You may inform her that I've blocked her.

Re: Message for Kat
Posted by KAT on Sun Oct 28 17:50:48 2001 (#11344)

sorry, you have me mistaken for someone else, but if someone IS hasseling you, you should block them. Thanks for the concern -KAT

Responses to posts are important for everyone
Posted by Dawn on Sun Oct 28 21:03:55 2001 (#11345)

It has been brought to my attention that some people write posts needing help and not one person responds. That happens to me a lot but I haven't been in crisis for a while.

But this board is about people in crisis. If we don't respond someone who has been doing well and not cutting for sometime and who finds them in the middle of a crisis and no one responds that person is pressed against the wall and left to deal with it themselves finds themself going to the one friend they know will comfort them.

And that is what has happened. And it shouldn't be that way.

Everyone of us is important and we are here to get and give support and sympathy. It is a circle of caring

One person may think, "well someone else will have something to say," so they don't and in the end no one has. It's a shame. a real shame.

You may think this is another harsh lecture, but a friend I've made here has a new wound today. And maybe it would not be here if someone had responded.

You may turn this on me, but I did my part in email, but the problem wasn't with me it was and is with all of you.

Each post is worthy of at least one response even if you don't like the person, chances are you get responses from people who are not real fond of you.

Re: Responses to posts are important for everyone
Posted by KAT on Sun Oct 28 23:03:35 2001 (#11356)

Thanks Dawn. I liked that post. I do actually (well I think I do) read every post. Sometimes I just dont know how to respond but I try and give a little bit of my story to relate or maybe just a take care..I know you try the same. anyway :) Be careful. and Keep posting on the board often if you feel you have something to say, so it might offend someone . You cant always please everyone ya know. Love ya much-KAT

Thanks Kat
Posted by Dawn on Mon Oct 29 08:14:58 2001 (#11367)

I am not trying to guilt anyone into responding to post. But sometimes some people go a while without any encouragement and they really needed it.

To all those people.... remember there is always Rhonda who is unbiased, non-judgemental, loving, caring, and ready to be a good listener.

I am available, but I tend to be wordy.

i messed up
Posted by sara on Sun Oct 28 21:20:22 2001 (#11346)

i think that i really messed up...i just betrayed the trust of such a good friend. i found out that she has been contemplating suicide ALOT and cutting more and more...god, i saw just a few inches of her arm today when her sleve moved up and you couldn't see skin, thats how much she has been cutting. so i emailed our school consler anoynmously...i'm afraid for her. after i got done emailed the consler, i cut. i don't know why. maybe b/c i can't get the help i need, or maybe its just b/c i know how important it is to stay alive by cutting...i don't know..i wondering if i even did the right thing... did i?

sara

Re: i messed up
Posted by sammie on Sun Oct 28 21:32:31 2001 (#11348)

you did the right thing. maybe the counsler and your friend can talk and learn to trust one another. You should maybe talk to your counsler too if you think it is good enough for your friend you should take your own advise. it might help. hang in there.

sammie

Re: i messed up
Posted by sara on Sun Oct 28 21:40:04 2001 (#11349)

oh, i'm already in therapy for anorexia :-) i have lots of issues...but thanks :-)

sra

Re: i messed up
Posted by sara on Sun Oct 28 21:40:12 2001 (#11350)

oh, i'm already in therapy for anorexia :-) i have lots of issues...but thanks :-)

sara

Re: i messed up
Posted by KAT on Sun Oct 28 22:56:53 2001 (#11355)

Sara, telling someone about a friend or anyone who you are fearful of might take their own life is ALWAYS the right thing to do. At least I think so, I mean if it wasnt for a friend of mine that had told my mohter of my cutting I doubt I'd be alive today. and I hated that friend for a long time, but Im glad that today I can still call her a friend..you see. I dont think you messed up at all and Im sorry you cut. Cutting actually makes things owrse(although) it can be a way of staying alive, or maybe even crying for help. Take it easy..have strenght.....love KAT

Re: i messed up
Posted by Dawn on Sun Oct 28 23:29:23 2001 (#11362)

Saving a life is now messing up. I did it this week myself. The friend is still alive, and probably has blocked my email address, that is the risk I took. But I hope in time she will forgive me.

Just now I got chimed that she has connected but when I sent her a message it did not appear on my messenger screen. It hurts, but losing her to suicide when I could have done something and didn't it would be a hurt much deeper. I do not feel guilty. She is alive and that is what is important

Re: i messed up
Posted by jes on Mon Oct 29 00:34:21 2001 (#11366)

you didn't mess up. I've never got to the point where any of my friends have told someone else, but it has been so that they've had to force me to see someone( although that didn't last long. (sry)) and right now they are trying to get me to see some one. b4, i was soo pissed that they thought they knew better than me, what I needed. but now i know that they probabaly do. i just have to face up to it and go some where. you did the right thing. you will see that and so will your friend. don't worry. :-) love n hugs, jes xx

Re: i messed up
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Oct 30 01:43:10 2001 (#11393)

I think you did the right thing. When you know for sure someone is thinking about it seriously, you call for help. Your friend may be mad at you, but would you rather they be dead? Don't worry. You did good! As for your cutting, that could have been a release for you. Just keep the cut clean,okay. If you want to talk, email me. Take care. Love, Rhonda

i went 10 days......
Posted by kae on Mon Oct 29 09:45:57 2001 (#11368)

i decided i wouldnt cut anymore. my arms are so messed up, everyone notices and i get so hot in long sleeves. i overheat easily because i have poor circulation, so i need to wear as few layers as possible in warm weather. but at the moment its not possible.

my boyfriend rang. i was feeling bad anyway, what with my friend suddenly not eating anymore and my brother being a prick and making a dork out of myself when i did my geography seminar today. he started hassling me about something that happened ages ago, last year, before i even knew him, and i grabbed my knife. i didnt want the scars but i wanted the pain. FUCK. i hate this cycle. when will i get out of it?

arrggghhh.

its my b'day tomorrow. im the big 17. goody....

luv 'n hugz everyone.....kae

Re: i went 10 days......
Posted by KAT on Mon Oct 29 22:27:12 2001 (#11378)

well Happy Birthday!!!!!!!! wooohooooo.17 one more year till your an official adult. Heh, I dont know if thats good or bad but good luck. Ive said alot of times, Im never gonna cut again, but just because we say it doesnt mean if we do cut again its the end of the world. We can start over you know, just like riding a bike, try again... take care KAE LOVE-KAT

Re: i went 10 days......
Posted by Dawm on Tue Oct 30 00:36:21 2001 (#11385)

So maybe next time it will be longer. We have an illness that feeds on stress, some people scream, and rant and rave, we cut. Its our way of screaming, venting a whole host of emotions and distress.

I've learned to avoid stressful environments and people (yet I come to the board) that seems funny. not that cutting is funny. It is our common ground.

Just remember Kae, we are always here, sometimes talking about what is going on calms us down and we don't cut. Stay safe, don't cut deep, keep your wounds clean, and remember every day is a fresh start. Love and Hugs.... Dawn

Re: i went 10 days......
Posted by *me* on Tue Oct 30 00:46:05 2001 (#11386)

I don't have ne advice to give you. I'm sorry. But we're here for you, and I understand what you mean and everything. And I wanted to wish you a happy birthday.

Take care and stay safe. Lots of love.

Re: i went 10 days......
Posted by kae on Tue Oct 30 09:13:40 2001 (#11407)

thanks guys.....thats so sweet! i had a great day, never thought i would but i did. everyone was so great....i received two bouquets at school, one from my friends and one from my boyfriend. definitely an improvemnet from last year, anyhow!

thanx heaps everyone, take care!

luv y'all!! kisses 'n hugz....kae