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Threads 2801 to 2850

Cold Sting on my Bloody Wrist
Posted by Alana on Tue Oct 16 03:38:01 2001 (#10961)

I have a huge problem that I need so help on guys! I'm feeling extremely shameful tonight. I can't stop, I can't get a hold of myself. I have a drug problem. It started out as just weed everyday, and then it kept on getting worse and worse. I've moved onto the harder drugs. I feel like shit all the time. I need some help, but I can't let any of my family know what's going on with me. They just wouldn't understand about his addiction. What should I do? I feel like such a complete asshole for not being able to control myself. Today I took 2 hits of acid, 3 spliffs, and 3 grams of shrooms. HELP! I can't live like this anymore. I feel like I wanna die. I feel I need that cold sting on my bloody wrist.

Can someone help me?

Alana

Re: Cold Sting on my Bloody Wrist
Posted by kae on Tue Oct 16 05:13:16 2001 (#10963)

hey alana......its so brave of you to ask for help at last.

the best thing you can do right now is to talk to someone close to you. drug addictions dont just end overnight, so you're going to need all the help you can get. it'll take a lot of guts but i believe you can do it. you will need the professional help of a counsellor or doctor at first, and maybe even rehab. but the important thing is that u want to get better. thats where you start.

good luck sweetie....email me anytime if you need to talk.

luv and hugz

kae

Drug Addictions.
Posted by Nicke on Tue Oct 16 17:22:48 2001 (#10974)

Hello Alana, nice to see you again.

I just to have a drug addiction. I was addicted to Ecstacy and Cocaine and even experimented with Speed and Crack once or twice.

I was taking E's for about 2 years and couldn't stop because when I was 'off my head' it was the only time I felt good about my self (even if it was false)

The next morning I felt ten times worse and would take more drugs to forget about the pain, guilt, and shame I was feeling.

So I was caught in a vicious circle that had to end somewhere!

I tried drugs councelling but that just made me worse but I know that it did work for a few of my friends. So try it to see if it works for you.

The one thing I noticed though (because after I stopped using I was clean for about 4 months before starting again) was that you really had to want to stop and that no-one could stop me: only me.

So if you are serious then you first need to really want to stop using, then you need to look at the reasons as to why you use. Then sort out these problems so that you reduce the risk of you slipping up and using again.

Well hope I helped,

Stay strong, Nicke.XXX

Re: ALANA!!!!!!
Posted by KAT on Wed Oct 17 05:06:29 2001 (#10986)

Hi there..about 6 months ago I had an extremly terrible addiction. It nearly cost me my life, I couldnt go w/ o it..the turning point was one day in school..I was really depressed and I asked almost everyone i knew of if they had ANYTHING from acid to advil and no one did and I laid on the hallway of the school and broke into tears. that was it..I knew I had a problem. for weeks and weeks upon weeks I was taking speed and bottles of tylenol 1 every 2 days. Alana...I understand its terrible, and its so hard to get away but you have to sweetie. Go to NA. (Narcotics anonymous)no one has to know your name and the only thing you have to have to go there is admit you have a problem and you want to fix it. the people are so nice and caring and it truly helps. PLEASE!!!!!!! the only way I even stopped was first I was admitted into a rehab center for 2 weeks, I had the convulsions and after effects of not having drugs in my body for so long. I was shaking and stuff but that all went away. Please you are such an awsome girl...try the NA program or a treatment center, if you want to be helped they will most certainly help you. Take care of yourself Love Jessica! (KAT)

Re: Cold Sting on my Bloody Wrist
Posted by becky on Wed Oct 17 05:47:42 2001 (#10987)

I don't totally how it is to be in your case, but I've had my share of problems. I had a relap on a school trip, it was horrible because everyone knows me (I go to a small private school). Well I tried to get off of drugs my self and I was clean for a while but those temptation kept coming back. Finally I told this girl who is now my best friend. Talk to someone near you at least. Go to your new school counselor and tell them that you need help. Or tell your best freind. The best thing to do is be honest. And do this when it's a really weak moment because then you are ususlly very open and you will get the help you need. But you will only stop the drusg if you truly want to stop. Basiclly it's all up to you. Decide you future now while you can. Drugs may make you feel good for a while, but it's not worth it. I dont' know if the cravings will ever go anyway because I still get them, but it gets easier adn easier to say no. Hope I was a help. Becky

Re: Cold Sting on my Bloody Wrist
Posted by elle on Thu Oct 18 00:50:11 2001 (#11010)

hate to say i told you so but i did. tell your psychiatrist. i am so sorry, i hope you find hlep. you can always write me.

bog storage
Posted by alana/maggie on Tue Oct 16 07:21:24 2001 (#10966)

won't let me sign back in - going to bed, just saying I'm fine xxx

im lost.....help
Posted by kae on Tue Oct 16 12:30:58 2001 (#10970)

life is a mess. i dont know where i am. last nite i couldnt sleep. i couldnt stop thinking about cutting. i eventually had to get up and cut my wrist. it was 12.30am, and im lying in bed watching blood drip off my wrist onto a towel on the floor. i had an exam the next day, too. i got to sleep a couple of hours later.

im soooo confused. i have a boyfriend.....he doesnt know any of this. i dont want him anymore. hes great and i know he really likes me.....but i dont want him. i dont want anything. i just wish i could fly away for a while and be in another land where nobody knows me.

tonite my best friend was on and on at me about getting help. the problem is, shes seeing the school counsellor at the moment about a serious problem of her own. i dont want to barge in on her recovery!! i have talked to her counsellor about my friends progress, ive helped her push her along when my friend wouldnt speak up. how can i just turn the tables and say, "oh and by the way, ive got this problem too..."? its wrong.

i guess i cant avoid the fact that my arms are looking terrible and ppl wont stop asking questions.

Re: im lost.....help
Posted by Nicke on Tue Oct 16 17:28:23 2001 (#10975)

You should never sacrifice your chance at help just for the fact that you think you might put your friend or councellor out.

If you want and feel ready to access the help you need then let nobody stand in your way.

Also if it bothers you that much, then why don't you see another councellor.

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX

Re: im lost.....help
Posted by KAT on Wed Oct 17 01:23:21 2001 (#10981)

friends are important but you should be the first priority in your life. you cant spare your health and happiness for another. Im sure your friend wont mind you getting some help also bc your problems are serious by the sounds of it. are you on any meds? If not you seriously need to get on some...I was the most desperate person in the world.....god why he let me die. but now Ive been on meds for almost a year and Im much better I have bad times, but everyone does. please take care e-mail me if you wanna talk more. feel better love-KAT

im lost.....help!
Posted by kae on Tue Oct 16 12:33:45 2001 (#10971)

i guess i cant avoid the fact that my arms are looking terrible and ppl wont stop asking questions. my family knows nothing. im sooo not the person they think i am. i cant lose the need to cut. arrggghh....it didnt use to b like this......what the hell do i do???

someone please give me some advice.....!!

painfully urs......kae

STRIDER!!!! You're back
Posted by Nicke on Tue Oct 16 17:12:59 2001 (#10973)

Hello strider.

How are you doing, did everything work out for you? How come you have come back.

This is so weird, First Fran comes back and then me....now you.

Good to see you, Nicke. XXX

P.S. mail me and let me now how you are doing.

I'm kind of back, but mostly I'm not
Posted by Strider on Tue Oct 16 23:56:10 2001 (#10979)

I'm not really back. I just check in every now and then. I'm in the army now. I'm at RMC (the Royal Military College of Canada), and am doing ok. I have been taking an engineering degree, but I'm going to switch to one of the arts so I can focus on being a better Infantry Officer. It's pretty good here; I like it. I haven't cut in a long time, and if I cut here, then I'm probably kicked out, so I won't be cutting anymore. They did send me to a psychiatrist though, to see if I was insane, but I'm still here. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely nuts, but I guess I'm the kind of nuts they want. Anyhow, that's about it for me. I might check in from time to time... I might not... we'll just have to see. Later.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: I'm kind of back, but mostly I'm not
Posted by Alana on Thu Oct 18 21:46:29 2001 (#11027)

Hahaha, I knew you were insane, thats what I like about you. That's so funny. Don't cut! I don't want to ever see your ass at my door looking for a place to live (although we do have a room up for grabs, if ever you are in need) cuz you were kicked out of the army! Nyup! Be good, and don't ever be sane!

Love, Alana

I don't know
Posted by Becky on Tue Oct 16 22:22:19 2001 (#10978)

Hey It's like my second time writing on here because I just started looking on the internet for reasons why we cut, other people's stories, is cutting actually worng, how do I stop, why does everyone judge other people... I don't know I guess I just want answers, but I don't know the questions in the first place. I'm just so sick of everyone telling me that I'm wrong and that I'm ruining my life. Just yesterday my best friend said that she hates what I'm doing to myself, and then she lays this big guilt trip on me about how I make her feel depressed and sad and how she doesn't even know why we're still friends... Ahhh I'm sorry I don't mean to keep you reading this forever, but what am I suppose to do? People just found out about my cutting this summer. They all hate me and won't talk to me anymore. I use to work at my church in the summer (before school), but now my pastor won't even talk to me anymore. Most of my old friends think I'm totally weird. My teacher all know about my cutting (I go to a small private school) but now they think I'm different and I've stopped cutting, but I haven't. I can't keep trying to live up to their expectations of me, but if I tell them how I really am, then I'll just be looked down upon as stupid kid. My parents found out not too long ago, and the only thing my dad said was that I need to stop, and my mom said that 1)I'm stupid, 2) I'm demon possessed, and 3) that I need to go to a mental hosital. They think I've stopped too, but they don't even know me. So is what these people think about me and cutting really true? They all make it seem as though I'm really messed up, but with the exception of cutting I can be so called "normal" (whatever normal is). But I don't know maybe they are right cause with the except of my rough childhood, and some things that go on with my dad, I have everything I could want. I'm not poor, I get good grades in school, I start in volleyball, I'm captian of basketball, and I'm not necessaly the uglyiest kid on the block, but I just want someone that will accept me for me despite my faults. But that's partly my fault too because even though I want to be loved my someone, I keep pushing people away because I'm afraid of being hurt again. I don't know if I made anysense about anything of what I just wrote, but I'm just confused right now... Becky

Question about skin...
Posted by KAT on Wed Oct 17 00:58:24 2001 (#10980)

Hi...I need someone to tell me the answer to this question if they know it..thanks. Okay :what area of the skin will leave more of a scar, the breast tissue or the hip area?? Please respond ASAP.

Kat, this is not a good ? for the board
Posted by Dawn on Thu Oct 18 01:56:38 2001 (#11011)

Kat, I love and care for you and everyone else on the board, but we are here to support each other and not to teach other, better, or different methods of harming ourselves.

We are here to listen to pain... in its many forms: anger, hatred toward self or people who have hurt us, and about the scars that are inside us that no one can see, until we put them on the outside.

We caution people that the posts and responses on this board can be triggering and I know that to be true, because I've went and cut or tried to cut using different weapons that a post had spoken of. And that is very wrong.

But like you there are times I want to post and ask "how to" and it takes a tremendous amount of strength that I know only comes from God at that particular moment to not ask.

Again I have to say it. Asking "how to" questions is not good for anyone on the board.

If you or anyone else wants to email me and ask me questions I will answer them and will hold all "religious" talk out of it. Because as Colin said, when we are cutting we are not reaching out to God, and I have cut in many of the places you asked about and to tell you and every other inquisitie person on this board there are really no good places to cut. But when we are wigging out we are not thinking good thoughts. Rebember That I REALLY AND TRUELY LOVE YOU ALL, NOT THE WAY A PARENT OR RELATIVE LOVES YOU, BUT AS ONE WHO KNOW PAIN...Dawn

Re: Question about skin...
Posted by Maggie on Thu Oct 18 15:23:16 2001 (#11019)

Hey. I've cut on both those places, and I found that cutting on the breasts is a bad idea coz when you wear a bra, you are stopping air getting to it and it doesn't heal very quickly. Also the scar hasn't faded at all since I did it like 8 months ago. If you have to cut, avoid the breasts!

Re: Question about skin...
Posted by deadflower on Thu Oct 18 16:17:55 2001 (#11023)

Hey, well, I'm not the most supportive person on this board, I barely visit in fact.

As a cutter, I found my hips to leave a better scar ....

Food scares the crap out of me
Posted by Sharon on Wed Oct 17 04:09:39 2001 (#10984)

God, I'm out of control, pretty pathetic seeing as I started this whole thing for control. I had power, you know, I could do something other people couldn't, I could go without food, days at a time. I was in denial the whole time, believing the lies I told to others, "I already ate", "I'm not hungry" etc. I didn't think I had a problem until two weeks ago when I was doing my hourly weigh-in. I'd taken off everything because I didn't want a single extra ounce, and I happened to look at myself in the mirror . . . and it wasn't me. I mean, all my clothes were getting baggier, my hair was dying, I was exhausted all the time, my concentration and memory were shot . . . and my eyes looked lifeless. And it just sort of hit me then. How stupid and futile and disgusting it all was. But the thing is, even knowing that I have a problem, and knowing all that I know about eating disorders, I can't stop. I think about how much I ate, how much I exercised, what to do to get out of eating . . . it's crazy. I guess after cutting for a couple years, I kinda just lost respect for my body, I don't know. I never believed it when people told me I was skinny. I hate this, it just sorta took over my head and now I don't know what to do.

Well, that was a really long vent from me, I needed to get it out. By the way, does anyone here know any good websites for anorexia? Thanks.

hugs,

Sharon

Re: Food scares the crap out of me
Posted by Emma on Wed Oct 17 11:43:36 2001 (#10993)

Hi hunny, Sorry i dont really have any experience with anorexia so i cant suggest anything, all i can offer is love and trust if you ever need to talk,i'm here. Seriously i know that we dont know each other but sometimes its better to talk to someone who isnt involved, thats what i find anyway, stops the emotion getting involved. Thinking of you Take Care Love Emm x

Life is constantly doing flip-flops
Posted by *poison on Wed Oct 17 04:26:49 2001 (#10985)

My stepmom is leaving, i have to move back with my mom , which they made me leave because it was a bad place for me to live...i have to switch schools again...(hopefully all my old friends will still be my friends) all ym friends that i have now (one who of which i really love and is my best friend) will be gone... (it happens weather anyone says so or not I know from experience).

~KoKo

Life sux.

A Meaningful Plea
Posted by Matt on Wed Oct 17 08:57:23 2001 (#10988)

I just want everyone who reads this to think seriously about commiting suicide. My 20 year old brother is bipolar and was hospitalized this past summer for a little more than a week. He had been cutting himself. I know that everyone has the urge to end their lives, but if you seriously think about it, please go to a doctor, admit yourself to a hospital, get on medication. If you have family, think of the pain you're going through, and multiply it by 100. That's the pain your family will go through. Think of all the family gatherings that you won't be able to attend, how everyone who is there will miss you, miss your personality. PLEASE, DON'T BECOME A STATISTIC! GET HELP! I'M BEGGING YOU! If my brother had commited suicide, my whole family would never get over it. I would never get over it.

Thank you, Matt

Re: A Meaningful Plea
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Oct 18 03:05:51 2001 (#11014)

Hi Matt, Is your brother okay? I sure hope so. I don't cut, but I try to support the ones on this board who do. So many times, they have no family to talk to because their family is not supporting them. My daughter cuts, or use too, she has gone almost 6 months now and is out on her own doing fine. Most of the people on this board didn't have a mother who would try to help or just sit and let them talk without judging them. That's why adults need to be educated more on SI'ing. I really do hope your brother is doing okay and I hope even more you and your family help him by not judging him and making him feel bad. If you ever need to talk, just drop me a line. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Doent this just make u wanna cry??
Posted by Emma on Wed Oct 17 11:26:40 2001 (#10991)

i'm sorry for depressing anyone, i just love this song! Thought i'd share it, what do u think?

Man That You Fear

----------------------- ------------------------------ ---------------------------

the ants are in the sugar the muscles atrophied we're on the other side, the screen is us and we're t.v. spread me open, sticking to my pointy ribs are all your infants in abortion cribs I was born into this everything turns to shit the boy that you loved is the man that you fear pray until your number, asleep from all your pain, your apple has been rotting tomorrow's turned up dead i have it all and i have no choice but to i'll make everyone pay and you will see you can kill yourself now because you're dead in my mind the boy that you loved is the monster you fear peel off all those eyes and crawl into the dark, you've poisoned all of your children to camouflage your scars pray unto the splinters, pray unto your fear pray your life was just a dream the cut that never heals pray now baby, pray your life was just a dream (I am so tangled in my sins that I cannot escape) pinch the head off, collapse me like a weed someone had to go this far I was born into this everything turns to shit the boy that you loved is the man that you fear peel off all those eyes and crawl into the dark, you've poisoned all of your children to camouflage your scars pray unto the splinters, pray unto your fear pray your life was just a dream the cut that never heals pray now baby, pray your life was just a dream the world in my hands, there's no one left to hear you scream there's no one left for you

awwwwww!!! ;)

Re: Doent this just make u wanna cry??
Posted by jes on Wed Oct 17 12:59:46 2001 (#10995)

yes it does, yes i am. but that could also be something to do with listening to other music that makes me cry also, e.g. - don't cry, i'm still in love with you (led zeppelin), and various pink floyd. not a good idea in this mood. love u, jes xx

Re: Doent this just make u wanna cry??
Posted by star on Wed Oct 17 13:27:10 2001 (#10999)

ok im crying lol this song is amazing love you emm xx

Re: Doent this just make u wanna cry??
Posted by Emma on Tue Oct 23 12:48:48 2001 (#11173)

sorry hunneys, didnt mean to do that,lol. i just wanna say i love you both, and i'm sorry.... you know the rest. emm xx

me again, sorry......;)
Posted by Emma on Wed Oct 17 11:39:58 2001 (#10992)

Hurt

I hurt myself today to see if I still feel I focus on the pain the only thing that's real the needle tears a hole the old familiar sting try to kill it all away, but I remember everything

what have I become, my sweetest friend everyone I know goes away in the end you could have it all my empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit upon my liar's chair full of broken thoughts I cannot repair beneath the stains of time the feelings disappear you are someone else I am still right here

what have I become, my sweetest friend everyone I know goes away in the end and you could have it all my empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt

if I could start again a million miles away I would keep myself I would find a way

Re: me again, sorry......;)
Posted by jes on Wed Oct 17 13:05:37 2001 (#10996)

k, again, i know it, but what is it??

Re: me again, sorry......;)
Posted by * on Wed Oct 17 13:29:27 2001 (#11000)

wheres that from babe??? thats amazing *

Re: me again, sorry......;)
Posted by Emma on Wed Oct 24 12:08:55 2001 (#11207)

Nine inch nails, Hurt. Dont you think its really true?? Love u both, sorry for everything i hope things can work out,with all my heart. xxxxxx

present
Posted by jes on Wed Oct 17 13:19:26 2001 (#10997)

i bought myself a pressie yesterday, i've been wanting to for a while but i could never pluck up the courage to go in the shop and buy them cos i was scared that they would know what i wanted them for. I bought myself some blades for an artist's scalpel. I'm not quite sure if it's a good thingor not, i know i'll have to be careful, i have been. but anyway, not quite sure bout the purpose of this so i'll go. love jes xx

Re: present
Posted by star on Wed Oct 17 13:32:42 2001 (#11001)

Jo, please dont, i dont know what else to say you think im checking up on you i expect i just like to hear how you are i guess please dont, please throw them away please. i dont know what else to say. amz

Re: present
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Oct 18 02:59:37 2001 (#11012)

Hey Jes, Okay, stupid question here, what is a pressie? If it's what I think, please be careful. I don't want anything bad to happen to you. Write me if you need to. I'm here for you. Take care Love, Rhonda

Re: present
Posted by jes on Thu Oct 18 16:16:16 2001 (#11022)

hey, umm, k, pressie = present. i can't throw them away, and if i did, then i'd just have to find something else to use, so i spose that at least these are clean. I have been careful, but what's to lose anyway? take care, love you, love jes or jo, whichever, doesnt matter anymore does it the only reason i used tht was so u wouldnt find out it was me and get upset. oh well. xxx

Re: present
Posted by star on Mon Oct 22 12:06:56 2001 (#11121)

it does matter i might not be here right now (self preservation etc) but i still love you and always will. Amz xx

when you want it it goes way to fast ...
Posted by star on Wed Oct 17 13:38:04 2001 (#11002)

Well dont know what the purpose of this post is to tell you the truth just needed to vent i suppose, well me and a close friend arnt speaking any more shed probably say it was my fault suppose i ended it in a way althought it had beenb over for a while, in my mind i couldnt see how to get outta the black hole all around and didnt want her to feel i was pressuring her to get help (as i know she thought i was)i just care to much sometimes i guess so ive made a decision to keep out of it and let her do what she wants to do and shit it really hurts when i see her (quite a bit surprisingly) i have such ana urge to go over and talk but i cant help thinking its gone too far now i dont know what to do if you read this jo then i just wanted to say im sorry if i hurt you hope we can talk someday. Amy x

Re: when you want it it goes way to fast ...
Posted by ............... on Thu Oct 18 16:21:11 2001 (#11024)

what to say?

Re: when you want it it goes way to fast ...
Posted by star on Mon Oct 22 16:27:03 2001 (#11126)

jo?? was that you? i wasnt sure x

Re: when you want it it goes way to fast ...
Posted by jes on Tue Oct 23 16:31:45 2001 (#11177)

no, twas the sugar plum fairy. sry, yeah was me, i wanted to say something but i didn't know what but i wanted u to know that i'd read it. jo xx

Re: when you want it it goes way to fast ...
Posted by star on Wed Oct 24 13:23:46 2001 (#11210)

ok cool babe love ya amz xx

...
Posted by ~~~ on Wed Oct 17 20:15:04 2001 (#11003)

my razors are too blunt my cuts are too shallow my blood clots too fast my scars heal too slow

Re: ...
Posted by jue on Wed Oct 17 22:53:57 2001 (#11007)

i know the feeling. For me the cuts could never be deep enough and the scars would never be dark enough. it is strange now b/c the scars seem horrendous. i haven't cut for over a month. take care of yourself. love julie

Re: ...
Posted by ~~~ on Wed Oct 17 23:04:31 2001 (#11008)

Thankyou for the reply, and congratulations on not cutting for a month! :)

i need to get this shit out....
Posted by +*^*+Little Baby Nothing+*^*+ on Wed Oct 17 20:16:49 2001 (#11004)

hmmmm i dont really know why im writing here and im not even sure what im writing this is just a train of thought relaly well so yeah im at school today with the girl of my dreams (im bi) and i have known and loved her for some time now. she is perfect she is jus.....there isnt 1 bad thing about her...anyways i love her to bits... we were flirting like hell before but never took it further and now shes with our mutual friend and i know its gonna be for a long time, and theyre allllllways kissing and i cant escape i have to be with them at lunch/break everyday some lessons and at weekends, im staying at her house on friday and the girl shes going out with might be there, and its killing me, its ripping me apart. ne1 know what io can do to stop it hurting so bad:? i wanna cut but im trying so hard not too....but i love the girl to bits as a friend too so i cant avoid her, shes everything to me i feel so empty when shes nowhere near....well i best go... thanks for reading if u bothered to get this far :) xxxx Ellie Stay Beautiful oh yeah btw BeautifulAndDying hasnt been here because shes gone to uni so she doesnt have much access....shes still surviving, which is a good thing, shes so luvely :) if u dont know who im on about then u are a poor soul indeed.xxxxxxx

STRIDER PLZ READ!!!!!
Posted by jue on Wed Oct 17 22:48:11 2001 (#11006)

Hey Colin I don't know if you remember me I came to this board shortly before you left. Are you in Kingston Ontario?????? I am really good friends with this guy who is going there to be a pilot. ( i live in BC) We talked a lot about SI and things. He was really helpful. He didn't SI or anything himself but he listened and cared about me. Now I am in Vancouver and he is in kamloops in the interior. I think he was planning to go in the Spring to RMC. Let me know where you are. He is a very cool guy.

Take care....julie

Re: STRIDER PLZ READ!!!!!
Posted by Strider on Thu Oct 18 00:00:30 2001 (#11009)

Really? Well, I'm here at RMC now, and if he's here then I probably have met him. Mail me his name!

love and prayers, Colin

hello all... and misc. comments
Posted by Dawn on Thu Oct 18 03:04:41 2001 (#11013)

Hi everyone, I'm still battling with the pain in my back, and no I don't mean my boyfriend. hehe.

There is nothing like constant physical pain to keep me from inflicting more pain on my body. At least now I get out of bed almost every morning without phoning my b/f to come over and feed me my pain pills and waiting for them to take affect. This seems like its been going on FOREVER.... just like all the hurt we all wrestle with that drives us to our weapons of relief.

Please do not scream at me because of the use of that word. I know it sounds so harsh and cruel. But you know something, if someone other than ourselves were doing to our bodies what we do it would be called a weapon and a crime.

Having just said that I want to talk about cutting.... There have been time MANY HUNDREDS OF TIMES, that I did not call on God or someone from a hotline, or one of the many friends who told me to call on them when I felt like cutting, because I DIDN'T WANT ANYONE TO TRY TO STOP ME! Those of you who cut know those times don't you.

When I turned my life over to God to make me the person He wanted me to be I gave him the keys to my heart and asked him to break down all the walls that separated me from people and LOVE.

I did that because I knew I could not do it myself. Every time someone hurt me my subconscious would build a wall around the hurt so no one could hurt me like that again. But I had figured out years later that the walls didn't stop people from hurting me. The walls stopped me for loving myself or anyone else. And as the walls began to fall my life was like the Twin Towers falling down and I wanted to die. But I didn't really want to stop living I just wanted the pain to go away. And after a weekend at a state mental hospital, with real CRAZY people I knew I didn't belong there. I'm not crazy. I was just in a lot of pain.

So when the rubble of my life overwhelmed me I tried many different things and settled on my scissors. They became my friends, and transforming mental pain into stitches and scars became the lesser of two evils.

Right now emergency crews and the United States Military are at work, some in an effort to clean up the destruction, and the military to bring the evildoers to justice.

Those are the very things I've been doing for the past, well in January it will be 20 years since I gave the keys to my life to God and he started remaking me.

For me I know that the walls had to come down, and there were times I woulk shake my fist toward the heavens and say, "Does it all have to come out?" Because there were secrets inside me I didn't even want me to know. But still I surrendered to them, but not without releasing the pain by cutting. But for me it was never about the blood. My blood clots fast. It was about making the wound on my flesh like the wound in my mind and heart.

For three years I cried into the head of a big white bear in church as the people around me repeated a piece of scripture about them going to bind up the broken hearted... and in my heart I would cry "God I am the broken hearted" Then finally the tears stopped.

By the way it took 3 years for me to be able to buy that bear. She costs $25 dollars, and I couldn't even buy toilet paper and dish soap in the same month. I named her Innocence. Because the only innocence my body has ever known was in my mothers womb where God fashions me. Where He fashions us all perfectly. It is people and circumstances that soiled me, and made me unclean. But when I remember the day I gave God the keys of my life He made me clean. But my memories tells me lies and I cut trying to make the lies go away. And finally I am winning the battle.

I wish you all will win your battles you face everyday. Please email me if you want to talk. I will listen because I care. Peace .... Dawn

HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Jenny on Thu Oct 18 10:49:07 2001 (#11015)

I can't believe Im doin this??!! It's probably talking to everyone in here that makes me wonder what Im missing??! Ive gone for so long with out cutting and now im back 2 square 1! its probably not all of u but me and my bloody home life, i really really really hate it and dont wana go back there. im at school at de mo,my escape and cutting, pain relief! i went for so long with out doing it now im doing it again but this time deeper and bigger, i swore last time when i stoped that i would neva do it again but look at me now! tanx 4 listening u probably didnt want to know any of that but oh well

Re: HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by kae on Thu Oct 18 11:22:43 2001 (#11016)

hey jenny

dont panic.......we all make mistakes at first. just because u did it this time, it doesnt mean u should do it again. u made a mistake, but u can fix it by starting over. its so great that u managed to go so long without it, congrats!! thats something u should keep working on, because its so rewarding when u realise u have conquered it.

please email me if u need someone to vent on

luv and hugs, kae :)

For Kae
Posted by Jenny on Thu Oct 18 12:23:12 2001 (#11017)

Thanx kae,ive sent you an email the may explain a bit more! but for everyone else who reads this then you can email me as well as id like all the advise i can get

rant about life... feel free to ignore
Posted by MarieMobley on Thu Oct 18 15:33:38 2001 (#11020)

I feel like I'm dying inside. I feel like I'm trapped in my skin and there's no way out except for to cut and I'm fighting the urge so hard I can't breathe. I'm so afraid. My boyfriend and I found out last night that he has sicle-cell anemia... He's 20 years old and they're just finding it... it's all so unfair. I ache for him. I wanted to cut so bad last night after he told me, but I didn't... I tried talking about it with my roommate but that didn't help because she's all full of advice but she doesn't listen... she talks and talks and talks and never hears the pain... she just thinks that if everyone follows her advice the world would be fine... she lectures... she advises.... I'M GOING INSANE HERE... SOMEONE PLEASE HEAR ME!!!! All I want is comfort... I just want someone to tell me that it will all be alright, that it'll get better, that one day it won't hurt anymore... LIE TO ME... just HELP ME...

Life is so unfair... My grandmother's birthday was 2 days ago and I didn't call or write or send her anything... I feel like shit about it, but.... I'm afraid. She'd dying and I feel so selfish because I don't want her to go... I want to hold on a little longer and pretend that everything is the way it was when I was little. I want to pretend that if I go back to my home-town and visit her house she'll be there in the kitchen making chili, or cookies, or sewing another one of her amazing quilts.... I want to pretend that we can sit on her front poarch for hours and talk about her childhood and the fine art of shellig peas.... I don't want to know that she's in a nursing home and that her house is empty... I don't want to know that she can no longer walk or eat for herself... I don't want to know that she prays every night begging God to let her die... I just want to be... I just want...

Re: rant about life... feel free to ignore
Posted by Linda on Thu Oct 18 18:02:06 2001 (#11026)

((((Marie))) Wish I had that magic wand I've always wanted to make all the bad things turn to good but the store sold out of them all!!! :) The truth is, nothing I say will change the details of your life. Only you can really change things and some things you have no control over but you can learn to accept them in a more satisfying way. Does your grandmother recognize you? If she does, I'm sure if you went to visit her and expressed exactly what you have expressed on here, in a strange sort of way it would make things a little better to bear. She may be thinking that you don't care, which everyone can see is certainly not true. Give a little of yourself to let her know how very important she is in your life. Yes she will be gone someday but you have those memories and because of her behavior you have a role model. Be thankful for that. Love and prayers!

"everything's just dirt"
Posted by deadflower on Thu Oct 18 16:11:28 2001 (#11021)

Well, I haven't been to school for two weeks, too depressed to do anything, I'm over sleeping, undereating, you know, the usual things ... I didn't really think I was depressed before. I'm on Celexa now and today I ran out. So, that's why I'm up. I'm going to school to get yelled at for not being there. I need to make an appointment with my counsellor.

yes, I have been destroying myself. Last night I drank some vodka after taking my pill, I even took one of my old zoloft pills and a couple tyenols too. I still couldn't sleep though. I cut my wrist, carved the name "jonathan" out my arm and bled for awhile and smoked like a bitch.

Well, today, you see, may be a brighter day. I told myself I'm done feeling like shit, just so I can get some work done. I'm falling behind rapidly and refuse to drop out of school again.

"everyone's life ends, but no one completes it"

"emily hopeless"

Re: "everything's just dirt"
Posted by Marie on Fri Oct 19 13:40:44 2001 (#11041)

So often words fail us when comforting a friend... I will not advise or lecture, I will not pretend that I have words to make it better, but if you want a friendly ear, feel free to get it all out of your system... ~big hug~ -Marie

Beautiful Hope
Posted by Linda on Thu Oct 18 17:54:29 2001 (#11025)

I just had to post these beautiful words, written by Charitie Lees Bancroft and made into a song by Vikki Cook. I heard this on a tape by the Crown College Choir of Knoxville, Tennessee and I love it. Just wanted to share the precious message with you all. There is HOPE!!!

Before the throne of God above, I have a strong and perfect plea, A great High Priest whose name is "Love" Who ever lives and pleads for me.

My name is graven on His hands, My name is written on His heart, I know that while in Heav'n He stands, No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair, And tells me of the guilt within, Upward I look and see Him there, Who made an end to all my sin.

Because the sinless Savior died, My sinful soul is counted free, For God, the Just, is satisfied, To look on Him and pardon me.

Behold Him there, the Risen Lamb, My perfect, spotless, Righteousness, The great unchangable "I AM", The King of glory and of grace.

One with Himself, I cannot die, My soul is purchased by His blood, My life is hid with Christ on high, With Christ my Savior and my God.

He will take the place of anyone who will call on Him.....Jesus Christ, the Righteous! Love to all!

Thanks Linda
Posted by Dawn on Mon Oct 22 00:17:24 2001 (#11093)

Linda, it is good to see you posting. I know your heart is with each of us here. Thank you for your prayers and tender heart. Love and hugs Dawn

I'm sober....well today anyways
Posted by Alana on Thu Oct 18 21:53:42 2001 (#11028)

Just wanted to let you all know that its my first day of being sober. And....I hate it! I feel like shit, I can't concentrate, I feel like my legs are going to fall off (literally, just fall) and my hands are shaking like a mothafucka! I can't stand this anymore, please God take this pain away from me. I can't stand to be me anymore.

Withdrawl is a bitch.

Yes, so my first day of being sober is also my first day of cutting and burning again. I sliced an X into the palm of my hand (ahhh, it hurts) don't ask me why I did it, I really have no idea what the X represents, just seemed proper at the time, and ofcourse went over the word SHAME in my arm for it to stand out more - no not for everyone else to see, just for me. It comforts me to know what I am is right there written on my arm. I hate shame...I am shame. It's a reminder of what I am and what I hate. Which is - me.

I need something..anything, some shrooms would be nice, or even just a nice three pape would cheer me up lots. Fuck, I can't take this. It's too hard. I'm calling my dealer - acid is on the way.

Love, Alana the crackhead.

Re: I'm sober....well today anyways
Posted by KAT on Thu Oct 18 23:37:16 2001 (#11032)

Im sorry

i got this from my friend, i think its really good
Posted by *me* on Thu Oct 18 22:55:36 2001 (#11029)

The Journey Of The Soul

Your heart is filled with pain, Your mind cluttered with confusion.

Pieces of your life fall around you Like raindrops in a storm.

The path you chose so long ago Led you straight to hurts door.

Now your weary feet struggle To find the road back home, Searching for the places That love and beauty hide.

Temptations lie in wait all around, Pulling at your every step, Waiting for you to slide back From the chosen, sought for, path.

Emptiness surrounds you, Confusing your perceptions. It is difficult to carry on.

I will do my best to fill your heart with joy, To clear the cobwebs of confusion, Help you find your purpose.

I am good at catching pieces And I can chase away a storm.

Let me walk your path beside you, I have walked this road before.

You can lean on me when the weariness comes. My shoulders are very strong.

I can not fight your battles, Or chase away demons of the soul, But I can lend you my strength Until you find your own.

I will help you find the courage To face each day anew.

I can not shorten the journey you must make, The road is just as long as before.

But I can fill the emptiness And help you reach your center, The place where love and beauty hide.

Take my hand, be my friend, Let me walk with you awhile.

This is a fwd I got. My friend has no idea about me. Isn't that kind of ironic? Newho, I really really liked it and thought I'd share it w/ you. Lots of love.

Re: i got this from my friend, i think its really
Posted by jue on Fri Oct 19 01:15:13 2001 (#11034)

*me*

wow. i love it.

i don't mean to impose or nething but are you sure your friend has no idea. i know that i always thought i was doing such a good job to cover yet when i told people close to me they all confessed that they had been worried about me for a long time. strange...sometimes people sense things.

also i know the religion thing is over... but i just read it the other day and i used to be troubled with the same thing. sin or not?? i asked a minister i was close to and he told me that it was an illness more than a sin. it is something that is harmful, yes. but we should not live in guilt of it. it is the way we feel and we can't help our feelings. Feelings are feelings they are never right or wrong.

take care...julie

some rants
Posted by *me* on Thu Oct 18 23:07:38 2001 (#11030)

I'm really bothered by something my friend told me the other day. She is like my best friend, and she's the one I've come the closest to telling. We took depression quizzes online together, and while she got mild, I got severe, and she knows that. She knows about some of my rituals that lead me to believe I have OCD. I don't know how serious she thinks I am about this stuff, bc I bring it up in a joking manner bc I don't want to freak her out. I know if I told her about cutting she would go to guidance. Newho, there was this commercial on tv that we were watching for chronic anxiety, and I kinda laughed and was like, "Oh gee that sounds like me!" bc I worry and obsess about EVERYTHING. And she goes, "oh you just need to have the right mindset. You say you have these problems but if you have the right mindset they'll go away." And I seriously wanted to like smack her. I wanted sooooooooo bad to say, "Right, my cuts and scars will go away? My panic attacks will go away? The fact that I want to DIE will go away? The fact that whenever I'm home alone and eat something I make myself throw it up will go away??????" But I didn't say ne of that. I mean I know she doesn't know NE of that stuff, but it made me really mad.

And the other day my friend got really mad at her mom, and was talking about how she almost cried in the shower. And one of our other friends was like, "Oh were you just gonna slit ur wrists and have it all be over right then in the shower?" and that made me miffed too, though I couldn't say anything. They have no idea how many times I've cried in the shower, and cut, and thought about just ending it.

I dunno, and things are getting really awful and I'm about thisclose to emailing a teacher under a different email address anonymously. If I did that do you think my teacher would have to go to the counselor? I mean, no one would know who I was, not even what grade I'm in! I kinda want to go to my priest but I really have NO way to contact him. I don't know what to do.

So yes this was a rambling vent! Thanks for reading, if you got this far.

Re: for *me* read please
Posted by jue on Fri Oct 19 01:28:57 2001 (#11035)

*me*

sorry i responded up there before i read this. people can be really really insensitive. they don't know and they don't think. i want you to tell someone though. if you can find the right person it can be a burden lifted off your shoulders. but the school has certain legal procedures they have to follow. i had to tell a teacher after i was in the hospital and i was sick of lying so i just said it and she went to the councellor and i got hauled down to the office. the councellor had to call my mom too, but she already knew so it wasn't a big deal.

it isn't just a stage though and it makes me mad that people would say such things as it being a mindset to you. that's awful. it is an illness and does need to be helped. i was diagnosed with OCD by this psychiatrist. he made me so angry. are you under 16 b/c if you are your parents will get told if you tell someone. except in Canada we have a ministry of children and families where any kid can go anonomously and have free counselling sessions. that is what i did while i was still in school and nobody knew.

sorry there is so much about me the point is you and that i understand. i would look in your phone book for resources or call a crisis line for your options.

be careful...take care

love julie

Jue plz read!
Posted by *me* on Fri Oct 19 03:02:44 2001 (#11037)

Ok...I'm gonna try to remember everything I want to say from both of ur posts - I hope I don't forget nething! Haha. I'm positive that my friend doesn't know. 100%. I really can't imagine that any of my friends suspect, but I really don't think that if anyone suspected, it would be her. Hard to explain, bc we are close friends, but she's just not one of the ppl I confide to and stuff, if that makes sense. I really liked that fwd though. I'm glad u did too!

I am 16 exactly. It is my understanding that here if you are under 18 they have to tell. But I was wondering if the teacher had NO idea who I was, and I expressed that I was coming to her as an ADULT, not a TEACHER, if she would still have to tell. Like, how would they trace it to me? It's really nice that you could go to free counseling. I wish I could. But I wouldn't even have a way to get there - I really need to get my liscense! Argh. I'd go to my priest bc they can't tell neone nething no matter what your age is. But I don't know how to contact him w/o my mom finding out.

I'm afraid to call crisis lines bc once I tried to call a suicide number once and instead of going thru to the right place, it went thru to this lady who went on and on to me about how the number hasn't been working and she's getting so many suicide calls. I'm a little freaked out by hotlines now. And, I'm scared they'll somehow trace them to me or show up on the phone bill or something - I worry a lot!!!!

Humm I think that was all I was going to say...I'll post again if I remember something!! Feel free to respond again or email me if you want. Just let me know it's you bc I don't open mail if I don't know who the sender is. Thanks for replying.

Take care and stay safe. Lots of love.

Re: Jue plz read!
Posted by Marie on Fri Oct 19 13:47:29 2001 (#11042)

*me*, I know you're nervous about hot lines and things, so bear with me... I'm a 22 year old psychology major at a university and I had the same trouble when I was your age... no one to confide in unless you want them to contact the authorities... but in my research I found a #.. 1-800-dontcut... I don't know if you're in the USA, but if you are that is a safe number to call that is valid and won't show up on the bill, so no one will know... may be worth a try...

Re: Jue plz read!
Posted by *me* on Fri Oct 19 22:15:46 2001 (#11045)

Hey Marie...I want to major in Psychology too! Just thought I'd share. I am in the US, and thank you for the number. Maybe someday I'll get the courage to call. The number I called last time was valid too - 1-800-SUICIDE. But the phone company was messed up or something. That was two years ago, and I'm still freaked out by them. I don't know what to do. Thank you for the number. Maybe I'll try it sometime.

Re: *me*
Posted by jue on Sat Oct 20 08:59:02 2001 (#11056)

hey *me* i'm sorry about not being able to call the hotline. i think if you did tell your teacher anonymously, that could be really helpful. i totally think you should. i hope i didn't bombard you with all my 'thoughts'. i just hope that you can talk to that teacher anonymously. hey, i hope that you can e-mail me b/c i tried to e-mail you once but it didn't work...so if you want feel free to mail me.

take care...love julie

Re: jue
Posted by *me* on Sat Oct 20 23:42:32 2001 (#11077)

I'm debating emailing this teacher, if I made up ANOTHER new email addy and approached it in the sense that I would like help from her as a mother and adult, not as a teacher. And if I didn't tell her who I was, or even what year I was. She would have NO way of knowing NETHING, and even if she DID go to guidance, they couldn't really figure out who I was...I don't know tho. It would be a risk, sort of.

I wonder why it wouldn't let you email me? I put another link here in case I typed the other one wrong or something. I dunno.

Take care and stay safe. Lots of love.

fuck
Posted by +*^*+littlebabynothing+*^*+ on Thu Oct 18 23:17:00 2001 (#11031)

"fuck them and fuck her and fuck this and fuck you for not having the strength in your heart to pull through"

staind

how i feel

hehe fuck it all fuck you all and fuck them

Re: fuck
Posted by thisbe on Fri Oct 19 22:08:32 2001 (#11044)

Fuck it ALL - fuck this WORLD - fuck EVERYTHING that you STAND FOR - don't belong - don't exist - don't give a shit - don't ever judge me by SLIPKNOT

feels good to say that

fuck
Posted by +*^*+little baby nothing+*^*+ on Sat Oct 20 00:37:10 2001 (#11046)

fuck is good fuck is funny lots of people fuck for money but if you think this fuck is funny fuck yourself and save some money :)

but seriously....fuck is such a cool word....fits about a billion emotions in four letters.... particularly when the word you is involved too xxxxx

Re: fuck
Posted by Alana on Sat Oct 20 05:44:39 2001 (#11051)

I know exactly what you're talking about. Staind are the shit. I have their album break the cycle and their earlier one Dysfunction. I believe that there's actually another called Tormented...correct me if I'm wrong. I listen to them over and over again in awww. Awww of Aaron Lewis and his gift of being able to express exactly how he's feeling - ya him and half the world.

I will marry Aaron Lewis - I like em big and beefy. He fits those stats. Mmmm Mmmm!

Love, Alana

p.s. you rock my world
Posted by the boy in the bubble on Fri Oct 19 00:55:02 2001 (#11033)

i saw the Eels last night. one of the best gigs i ever saw. I WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF E he rocked. the hole band rock my world. they played loads of album songs including my favorite song Not Ready Yet which was the highlight. the other highlight was i like birds. they are my fave band at the moment i just thought i'd share that

have fun

waking up is harder when you wanna die

Re: p.s. you rock my world
Posted by Alana on Sat Oct 20 05:41:04 2001 (#11050)

I completely agree with your last statement. Waking up is MUCH harder when you wanna die. I couldn't have said it better myself. Good job bubble boy!

I love the Eels. My favourite song in world of shit. Amazing.

bit worried (rant stylee crap)
Posted by jes on Fri Oct 19 02:57:08 2001 (#11036)

k, so, my situation is that i used to live with my dad but due to one of his elaborate bullshits (i'm gonna save up for a house of our own) i moved in with my grandparents about a year ago. Now me and my dad never got along, in fact, we would go for 2/3 weeks with only saying 'dinner' and 'thanks' or sometimes not that when it was real bad and we'd just do everyting seperate. so yeah, we didn't get on at all. So, now ur wondering what the problem is, i don't live with him, we talk sometimes, what's up? Well, my grandparents have decided to go to spain for 2 fucking months and HE is going to be staying with me for those 2 fucking months. I've already started cuting more frequently and in just over a week, i'm gonna be living, once again, with the only person in the world who can say 'what have you been up to today?' in a way that makes me go in my room and cry my eyes out. I don't wanna be as low as I was b4 and i don't think this is gonna help much. does anyone know good tips for the disposal of one's father's body??!! sry only joking, i meant any tips on how to cope at least a lil' better with things like this?? Don't worry, i don't expect you to reply to this i just needed to tell someone, i can't exactly go up to my mum and say 'u know how my dad makes you wanna scream? well, he makes ME slash myself to ribbons' k, maybe that's a bit unfair, i can't blame him for this, i know it's me that makes me do it, it's how i handle him and what i say and do that makes me do it. it's me i know, but he seems to bring it out in me that lil bit more. k, i'm gone. take care, love jes xx

Re: bit worried (rant stylee crap)
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Oct 20 03:20:12 2001 (#11048)

Jes, When you're having a bad time with your dad, just email me. I'll try to help you any way I can. I'm a very good talker, just ask my husband!(HA!HA!) Let me know if I can help, okay? Take care. Love, Rhonda

There is a saying
Posted by Dawn on Mon Oct 22 00:46:52 2001 (#11094)

There is a saying that boils down to we can do anything when we know it is for a short time, that we couldn't do if we knew it was for an extended time.

Another idea it to keep busy, or seem to be busy, or asleep and two weeks can go by in a flash.

Another idea is LIVE ONE DAY AT A TIME

Just a few idea to manage the stress that I have tried and found that they work well if YOU work at them love and hugs Dawn

Re: There is a saying
Posted by jes on Mon Oct 22 15:06:48 2001 (#11122)

hey thanks, i do try with him but it's hard, we just make each other worse, and it's 2 months, not 2 weeks! bugger. take care, love jes xx

jes please readRe: bit worried (rant stylee crap)
Posted by star on Mon Oct 22 11:03:42 2001 (#11120)

shit, babe i dont even know what to say to tell you the truth (wierd for me i know but well...) right well firstly i aint exactly helping this am i as i mean i deserted you when you obv need me and i cant think of a way to repair that so please just listen to this rant etc and please forgive me for what ive done to you, you seem to be the same with him as i am with say sarah so what id do is try to keep the conversation on a friendly level if you can and if he has a go at you tell him that he makes you feell shitty (its the only way i can think for him to not) and keep telling him till he listens im sorry im not a good help im feeling poorly and missing you and dont know what to say fuck crying in the school libary is a very bad idea. Take care how come we can talk on here but then in real life it all fucks up? ahhhh! i love you Amz xx

Re: jes please readRe: bit worried (rant stylee cr
Posted by jes on Mon Oct 22 15:08:29 2001 (#11123)

:-)

split personality
Posted by kae on Fri Oct 19 05:43:47 2001 (#11038)

hey guys

i dont know how many of u listen to PINK but theres this really good song on her album called 'split personality'. i can relate to that soo well.......its like theres two of me, one is the girl who is happy and friendly and gets into all the drama productions, and one is the girl who hates life, cant shake away the clouds over her head and cuts up her arms. christian ricci described it as "one part of your brain desparetely trying to destroy the other."

does anyone else feel the same way?

heres a few lines anyway.....

"So I'm laying it all on the table.....you dont know me well enought to lable me sick or even disturbed.......when you break it down im just two girls.......trying to blend, trying to vibe......trying to live just one life.......everybody's got insanities......i got a split personality....."

luv, kae

sleep (ignore me)
Posted by jes on Fri Oct 19 06:30:48 2001 (#11039)

it's not right, i should have slept by now. I've tried and i've tried not trying but i haven't even thought about yawning [til just then of course, :-) ] never mind actually doing it. What the fuck is wrong with me? It's half fucking 5 in the morning, the birds are awake, it'd be getting light if it weren't nearly winter. I think i could probably count the number of hours I've slept in thepast 3/4 days on both hands with a couple of fingers to spare. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?????? grrrrrr.

Re: sleep (ignore me)
Posted by blue on Fri Oct 19 06:50:55 2001 (#11040)

Whatever is wrong with you is also whats wrong with me. I too, am usually awake at 5am. It drives me mad. But then, when I do sleep I usually have nightmareish type nightmares(??) apparantly eating a lettuce sandwich before bed helps. I tried & it didn't but my friend Cheryl swears by it! xxxx

uh-oh
Posted by kae on Sat Oct 20 03:18:44 2001 (#11047)

ok.......i need advice from someone in the know.....i went a little crazy last nite and cut at a vein. i dont think i did too much damage to it, but i needed more pain so i put salt and shit on it as well. i felt heaps better and i could actually sleep afterwards. (it was 1am) anyway, today its soo fucking sore, i cant bend my wrist properly. usually i wouldnt mind but ive bound it up and its still giving me hell. its not the pain i mind, its the thought that i mite have to get medical attention - and then allll hell would break loose.

anyone got any suggestions to help it heal? surely theres some first aid tricks i dont know about!!

thanx, kae

Re: uh-oh
Posted by Alana on Sat Oct 20 05:37:48 2001 (#11049)

You put shit on it? Haha, I'm just joking. Sorry. Uhmm, I did that once, where I could actually see the vein in my wrist and poked at it. I was the same the next day where I couldn't move my wrist in the slightest. The problem is that there's an 8 hour window to get stitches - so after 9am this morning, you'd be screwed to get it checked out. Just don't move your wrist so much that the cut will open up again. Keep it still and put lots of polysporin on it, and make sure you wrap it up tight (less pain) with gauze. I know that my advice sucks. But hey, its all I got.

Don't worry so much about it.

How old are you? If you're older than 16 and you need to get it checked out, they can't call your parents or tell anyone. I hope your 16! I've gone to the hospital lots of times to get my stomach pumped after ODing, and since I was 16 they couldn't tell my parents without my permission. Not counting the time I was unconcious and on my death bed - they had to call my mom then. I still wonder how they knew who I was and how to get a hold of my mom. Hmmm, maybe my records at the hospital had my info. I still don't understand.

I hope you feel better and that my advice was somewhat helpful.

Love, Alana

For Alana
Posted by kae on Sat Oct 20 06:05:57 2001 (#11053)

hey girl

thanks heaps. the only problem ive got now is that we're totally out of plasters and gauze.....ive used them all up over the last 7 months!! lol. i guess i'll make do with first aid cream and these old cloth bandages we've got around somewhere.

i'll be 17 in a week. i didnt realise that the doctors couldnt tell your folks - my mum usually finds out everything anyway. it wouldnt b worth the risk. also, if you go to the docs about a cut, and they can see from the state of your arms that you're an SIer, wont they try to get you psychiatric help or something freaky? im worried about how they would react - i dont think doctors are dumb enough to fall for the "my cat attacked me" story. a friend of mine who is also an SIer told her doctor about her prob. the doctor freaked out completely, right in front of her, and demanded to see all her scars. that only made her (the doctor) freak out all the more.

anywayz, thanks so much for your advice! :)

luv and hugz, kae

Re: For Alana
Posted by Alana on Sat Oct 20 06:31:29 2001 (#11055)

No problem. I think they can only tell your parents when they want to admit you - under 18 and you have no choice. I've been admitted so many times against my wishes...I remember struggling with the nurses who were bringing me up, and they ended up having to get 2 paramedics and a security guard to hold me down while they drugged me. I've been drugged with tranquilizers so many times because of my self destructive behaviour that I've lost count. oh, and then there's also the restraints. Had those a couple times too, confindment, and also 24 hour watch.

Needless to say this was in my EXTREMELY SUICIDAL days, I'm not like that much anymore. I've changed.

I hope you feel better kae.

love, Alana

Re: uh-oh
Posted by KAT on Sat Oct 20 21:30:04 2001 (#11073)

well your still breathing so I think your okay. dont let it keep bleeding and def. keep it clean as hell to keep infection out, you know just use common sence. Medical Attention can be avoided but dont think twice about going if it gets worse. Your life is valuable..you know! LOVE jESSICA

Still sober :^(
Posted by Alana on Sat Oct 20 05:53:22 2001 (#11052)

Yes yes I am. Not for long. I'm dropping 2 capsules of E tomorrow. Haha, I'll let you all know how I'm doing...like you really care.

Love, Alana

Re: Still sober :^(
Posted by Maggie on Sat Oct 20 13:28:10 2001 (#11057)

Hi Alana.

Sorry if I sound like a grandmother, but if you are gonna take E, make sure you're not taking any type of antidepressant pill. ADs have the same effect as E, but in small amounts, but can be lethal if combined. You get this thing called 'Serotonin Syndrome' and it sucks.

You may already know this, but not too many people do. Stay safe, Luv Maggie.

Re: Still sober :^(
Posted by Alana on Sat Oct 20 18:47:02 2001 (#11060)

I'm drug free - well prescription anyways. yah, I saw that dawson's creek where Andie took E and got really messed up because she was on anti-psychotics or something. I use to be on those, but not anymore.

Thanks Maggie, for the adivce and heads up.

Love, Alana

Re: Still sober :^(
Posted by KAT on Sat Oct 20 21:27:32 2001 (#11072)

Alana.....I got a question. do you do drugs for fun or to escape bad feelings and just get away for a while? Both? j/w Love-Jessica

Re: Still sober :^(
Posted by Alana on Sat Oct 20 22:36:20 2001 (#11075)

If I'm really down then yes, the reason I take drugs is too escape. I'm not so down right now, so the reason I'm taking E is too have fun and get a little crazy.

So I guess it's both.

afraid...
Posted by Marie on Sat Oct 20 15:57:30 2001 (#11058)

I am a little freaked out... I start therapy with a new therapist nest Tuesday and I am afraid to go... I really want help with my cutting, but I don't want to end up in the hospital... I'm not sure how much to tell my new therapist... how do I start this... I've been to three before, but only one of those knew about my SI... and he was really cool about it.... I'm just worried... any suggestions

Re: afraid...
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Oct 20 17:01:58 2001 (#11059)

Hi Marie, If you really want help, go ahead and tell your new therapist the truth. If he or she doesn't react in a positive way, you don't have to stay with them. It could take several tries to find the right therapist for you. There are good ones out there, sometimes you just have to hunt for them. I wish you luck and hope you find a really neat one. Write me if you ever want to. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: afraid...
Posted by Alana on Sat Oct 20 18:48:20 2001 (#11061)

If I were you I woudln't tell your therapist just yet that you SI. Follow your gut instinct. When it feels right, tell him. And if it doesn't, don't!

Good Luck.

Love, Alana

Re: afraid...
Posted by jay on Sat Oct 20 21:03:09 2001 (#11066)

hello marie. I too go to counciling for my cutting. at first i didn't tell my councilor about my cutting for the first two months. I had to feel comfortable with my councilor before i could trust her enough to tell her. What we do (S.elf I.nflicted V.iolence) what we do for a reason. It is a good that you are seeking help for this. If you do need to go to the hospital for treatment it is what's needed. I know that this is difficult and scary. Please be safe.

Thanks everyone...
Posted by Marie on Sat Oct 20 21:52:23 2001 (#11074)

Thank you so much for your encouragement and support! It's wonderful to be able to 'talk' to someone (several people) who understands... It helps a lot, I appreciate all of your advice... I will be careful and trust my instincts.... xoxo -Marie

Re: afraid...
Posted by jue on Sat Oct 20 21:04:33 2001 (#11067)

there is nothing worse than having to bare your soul to someone that you are not comfortable with. i think that you should make sure you will continue to see this new person before saying to much. at the same time though i always make them think i am weird by being so suspicious. but they should know how to deal with that if they are a good therapist.

anyway...take care...love julie

I've counted my scars
Posted by Alana on Sat Oct 20 19:24:15 2001 (#11062)

79 in total - and those are just the ones on my arms - and only the really visible ones. I probably have another 20 on my stomach, and 10 or so on my legs. Hmmmm, interesting isn't it. Oops sorry, missed a couple 83 on my arms.

Love, Alana

Re: I've counted my scars
Posted by KAT on Sat Oct 20 20:30:29 2001 (#11063)

I see my scars as battle wounds. Wounds Ive recieved in the batlle within myself. Ive got alot of battle scars, sounds like you do too. Im sure we all do..I have never counted, if I did I would feel like it's not enough so I'll just keep the number a secret from my mind.
:) take care Alana Love Jessica

Re: I've counted my scars
Posted by Maggie on Sun Oct 21 03:38:52 2001 (#11079)

Hmm... I don't have anything near that number. I've never cut on my arms either... mainly my ankles and hips. I've got about 18 scars on my ankle (4 red, the rest white lines. The red ones resulted from using the same place multiple times. I've got a couple of fading words on my hips too... like 'LOST' and 'FREAK'.

Use vitamin E oil, it works really well at minimising scarring.

Luv and Hugs, Maggie.

Re: I've counted my scars
Posted by jes on Mon Oct 22 15:15:34 2001 (#11124)

i don't think i can count mine, they kinda criss-cross over each other and there's some that are worse than others and i think i might just get confused. That's bad isn't it? lol love jes xx

Re: I've counted my scars
Posted by Emma on Tue Oct 23 12:43:37 2001 (#11172)

Hiya, This is probably gonna sound real bad, and please dont take offence anyone,but i dont think counting your scarsis a good thing.I mean i dont really know, i havent cut much, its been like a month now!(yey!!)and i dont know if its just me but i'm ashamed of my scars, i really am. I hate looking at them and realising what i've done. Its probably just me, so i'm sorry for ranting on... take care love emm xx

Am I the only one?
Posted by No name this Time on Sat Oct 20 20:35:44 2001 (#11064)

I'm pretty sure everyones had thoughts about wanting to hurt someone else because of this or that. But I dont think the thoughts I have are normal. Last night I spent the night at my friends house and I was just laying on the bed and she was on the phone with one of her boyfriends and I seriously was contimplating in my mind how I could kill her and then I would go kill her mom while she was sleeping, steal her car then go far far away. Why on Earth would I want to kill my best friend in the whole world? I was so close to getting up and stranglening her with the phone card. Why????? oh why!! I dont understand these feelings. does anyone else have these feelings. I also have these feelings about my mother. I love her more then my life itself but I sometimes get the urge to walk up behind her and bludgeon her till shes dead. Please...this is bringing me to tears. help me understand this. I dont want to do something that I would honestly regret.

-Love-

Re: Am I the only one?
Posted by jay on Sat Oct 20 20:52:12 2001 (#11065)

First of all, you are not the only one who has ever wanted to cause injury on someone. I too have wanted to inflict injury on some exclusive people in my life. I've even made plans. These people were often bullies at school. I've been able to overcame these feelings for the most part. I was able to do so with help from a councilor in my local area. I think counciling could be very useful to helping you get help you need. Please think about this before anything really happens.

Re: Am I the only one?
Posted by jue on Sat Oct 20 21:09:08 2001 (#11068)

i often think of similar actions. i get this intense feeling of wanting to hurt someone so bad...i don't know why? a therapist once asked me if i was scared that i would kill someone at the time i wasn't so sure but i am now thinking i probably wouldn't follow through. but then i always think...what if?? what if??? i don't know but you aren't alone don't worry.

take care...love julie

Re: Am I the only one?
Posted by Maggie on Sun Oct 21 03:58:49 2001 (#11081)

I've never really had those thoughts, so I probably have no accurate insight, but here's my interpretation in case it helps. I have 2 ideas:

1. Perhaps it's some unconscious desire to exert control over your environment. By killing someone (ie: your bullies who controlled you), you are getting that power back over your persecutors.

2. In the wanting to kill people you actually love (ie: mother or best friend), perhaps that another form of self-hurt, on the emotional level. Since you love these people so much, you know how much you would hurt if they were gone. Maybe you are seeking to feel guilt or responsibility over the bad things in your life.

I thought of these possible explanations as an extension of the motives behind SI. These are principally CONTROL and SELF-PUNISHMENT.

You may also have anxiety disorders... one particular symptom of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) is recurrent unwanted thoughts. If these thoughts are frequently causing you stress or anxiety, then it is possible you have this form of OCD. If this is the case, then you are unlikely to ever carry out such assaults. It can also be treated. Do you have any other OCD-like symptoms (repetitive behaviour like checking, cleaning, that you don't wanna do but fear bad things will happen if you don't)???

Luv and hugs, Ursula.

Re: Am I the only one?
Posted by Maggie on Sun Oct 21 03:58:57 2001 (#11082)

I've never really had those thoughts, so I probably have no accurate insight, but here's my interpretation in case it helps. I have 2 ideas:

1. Perhaps it's some unconscious desire to exert control over your environment. By killing someone (ie: your bullies who controlled you), you are getting that power back over your persecutors.

I thought of these possible explanations as an extension of the motives behind SI. These are principally CONTROL and SELF-PUNISHMENT.

Luv and hugs, Maggie.

Re: Am I the only one?
Posted by No name this time on Sun Oct 21 22:03:43 2001 (#11089)

Wow..thanks a bunch,Those are really great assumptions. I really think that might be whats going on, the level of pain that I am needing is far more then cutting onmyself, I suppose. I havent really wondered about OCD, but I used to have ticks( not the bugs). Where I couldnt breath if I didnt blink my eyes 3 times or whatever like that. Ive grown out of that but it might just be taking another form. Thanks for the help. -LOVE-

Re: Am I the only one?
Posted by Maggie on Mon Oct 22 03:45:40 2001 (#11102)

I think those ticks you described are a form of OCD, and it is common for OCD to take another form, as in Self Injury. That's what happened to me anyway...

Glad I could help, email me if you wanna chat.

Luv Maggie.

Re: Am I the only one?
Posted by It doesn't matter who on Sun Oct 21 09:54:13 2001 (#11084)

I too have weird thoughts that are uncalled for but I don't know if it's like you? I would never, never in a million years act on them or anything, they are just bizarre thoughts that go through my head. Like I wonder if I were to cut off a person's arm (etc...) what would it look like inside , what noises would they make, would they faint from the shock of the pain ... I wonder that if I were to scream through a red light how many people would I take out, what sort of carnage would I cause ... They're not urges at all, I don't have the feeling to actually do it, but I just wonder about it and stuff.

Re: Am I the only one?
Posted by jes on Mon Oct 22 15:23:43 2001 (#11125)

like everyone else has said ur not alone. i have these wierd thought going around in my head too, sometimes it's the violent ones, like, 'i wonder if i could actually hit that person, maybe i should do it' then i have to really stop myself from doing it. And then there's when i ,say, think of a word and i want to say it or shout it or something. and i get myself all worked up cos i can't. i always thought i was the only one having these lil compulsions. Thanks for bringing it up love jes xx

naive???
Posted by jue on Sat Oct 20 21:13:19 2001 (#11069)

is anyone bothered by the term SELF-MUTILATION???? to me it seems like the most awful word in the world. yet it is still used all the time by drs, councellors, pyschologists, and psychiatrist. it just seems so primitive and gross. i guess these people must be naive... thoughts?????? anyone??????

Re: naive???
Posted by Alana on Sat Oct 20 21:21:32 2001 (#11070)

Has anyone ever noticed that naive is EVIAN (as in the water) spelt backwards?

Re: naive???
Posted by KAT on Sat Oct 20 21:25:35 2001 (#11071)

yeah...well I dont know if they are naive for calling it that. They just needed a word and thats what they came up with. I dont call it that, I call it cutting, or "what I do when I dont feel good" ..although mutilation sounds horrbile..thats what it looks like afterwards. a mutilated peice of work.

Re: naive???
Posted by Angelica on Sat Oct 20 22:39:04 2001 (#11076)

Nope, I don't like that phrase either, I prefer self-harm. Love 'n' blood soaked tears xxx

Re: naive???
Posted by Maggie on Sun Oct 21 03:44:43 2001 (#11080)

I HATE that word too... it makes me squirm. I don't even like self-harm or self-injury, because I see it as self-preservation. I told my psychologist that I call it SI (as in the initials only) so he uses the abbreviation with me too now.

Re: naive???
Posted by ~~~ on Sun Oct 21 21:43:29 2001 (#11088)

I like the term self mutilation because it sound's gross. It makes me sound as horrible and as ugly as I really am.

BUT I also don't like it because I don't cut myself in order to look mutilated.

~~~
Posted by jue on Mon Oct 22 06:59:58 2001 (#11117)

hey!!!

don't say that it matches you. it is an ugly word to me, and i don't think that anyone is ugly. there is some good thing in everyone that keeps them from being ugly. I'M SERIOUS...don't think i am being sappy or dumb or girlie or whatever. i mean it.

take care...love julie

Re: ~~~
Posted by ~~~ on Mon Oct 22 16:56:38 2001 (#11128)

Sorry, I'm just having a bad time at the moment. At the best of times I wouldn't say I was pretty inside or out, but I guess I'm not really ugly. I just feel ugly and can't help it.

Thankyou for caring.

Re: naive???
Posted by JAY on Mon Oct 22 01:47:28 2001 (#11096)

Jue. I think that this word describes the behavior behind it. But if you dislike the word, use and encourage another form of it. Cutting, S.I.V. S.elf I.nflicted V.iolence. I've read some of your responces so if you want to chat sometime please post a message and we'll work it out. Be safe

JAY
Posted by jue on Mon Oct 22 06:55:22 2001 (#11116)

Jay, if you want you can e-mail me. i would like that. i am not to comfortable with chatting i don't know why it just makes me REALLY nervous i don't know...ha ha...weird i guess.

take care...love julie

x
Posted by necrosis on Sun Oct 21 02:38:05 2001 (#11078)

'self massacre', 'self fuck-off & bleed', 'self abrogation via flesh war'. To be honest I'd prefer 'self-harm', but it does take the edge off it - maybe it isn't so bad 'mutilation' sounds so bad, coz it's exactly that & the term makes people hear the reality more than 'harm'

'feelings made flesh' is pretty accurate but it doesn't really matter what we think, as long as people know what it means

love

Re: x
Posted by jue on Sun Oct 21 06:26:12 2001 (#11083)

hey how are you?? i haven't seen you here in awhile. i hope you are all right...

take care...love julie

Re: x
Posted by nec on Mon Oct 22 03:23:39 2001 (#11101)

thanks, I'm struggling but I'll be ok. I do post a little, but often under surreal pissed names (I only post when drunk it seems)

'don't let the bastards grind you down'

- the guy that comes to the house to cut my hair - Billy the barber!

hope you're ok too

xxxx

im going to try...
Posted by kae on Sun Oct 21 10:37:07 2001 (#11085)

hi guys

im going to get help. its been over a year since i started cutting and my friends are at me all the time. they are worrying.....and im sick of my scars. its almost summer and i wont b able to wear short sleeves for a long time yet. i just hope the counsellor doesnt fob me off and make me feel like nothing is really wrong at all....that im just attention-seeking....like she did last time.

wish me luck!!! :)

luv and hugz, kae

Re: im going to try...
Posted by KAT on Sun Oct 21 22:07:56 2001 (#11090)

good luck, maybe you need a new counselor. One who actually cares ya know, or who listens. That would be helpful Im sure. Im so glad you are ready to get help when I was forced to get help it wasnt my decision, I wanted to wait to tell my parents but the decision was taken from me, so Im happy to see someone make up their own mind and do what they feel is right ]Good luck again take care -KAT

I'm on top of the world...
Posted by Alana on Sun Oct 21 17:39:11 2001 (#11086)

E is the best drug ever. I felt so in love with the world and everything and everyone in it. I was in pure ecstacy. Yah ok, it has its downsides, like I puked all the water out that I drank, and my mouth is chewed to shit, but it's all worth it for the euphoria I felt. Hugs all around for everyone. I'm so in love with ecstacy and so in love with myself and everyone else when I'm on it. It's been a few years since I last did it, and it didn't even compare to the high I got last night. I felt so energetic - I ran laps around a parking lot for 15 minutes - and I wasn't even tired.

I love it, I love, I love it.

Everyone got a kiss and hug from me last night. I found my new drug. Weed sucks compared to E. E is my love.

Love, Alana

Re: I'm on top of the world...
Posted by KAT on Sun Oct 21 22:09:08 2001 (#11091)

...Be careful...

I'm on top of the world...
Posted by Alana on Sun Oct 21 17:39:43 2001 (#11087)

E is the best drug ever. I felt so in love with the world and everything and everyone in it. I was in pure ecstacy. Yah ok, it has its downsides, like I puked all the water out that I drank, my mouth is chewed to shit, and I was sketching (my eyes were going all over the place) but it's all worth it for the euphoria I felt. Hugs all around for everyone. I'm so in love with ecstacy and so in love with myself and everyone else when I'm on it. It's been a few years since I last did it, and it didn't even compare to the high I got last night. I felt so energetic - I ran laps around a parking lot for 15 minutes - and I wasn't even tired.

I love it, I love, I love it.

Everyone got a kiss and hug from me last night. I found my new drug. Weed sucks compared to E. E is my love.

Love, Alana

stocking up....
Posted by *me* on Sun Oct 21 22:22:47 2001 (#11092)

Hey...I have a question...bc I don't know what I'm doing. I have had this weird obsession with stocking up on advil and tylenol. I don't know why. Every time there's a new bottle I take some from it bc you can't tell when it's so full if some are missing. And I keep them all in a ziplock bag. I don't know why. I haven't taken any of them. But I have this bag full of advil. I have absolutely NO idea why. But it's like I HAVE to do it. Plz help.

Re: stocking up....
Posted by jay on Mon Oct 22 01:39:43 2001 (#11095)

to answer your question as to why you have this ready supply of advil. Like a razor or candle (besides cutting myself i used to burn myself)the advil is a tool of opportunity. Subconciously you don't want to not have your "crutch" especially if you're in a possion to take an action (an attempt at suicide). This is my assumption as to why. I came to this conclusion because this is the reason why I have my razor blades. What to do about this problem. First of all. If you are not seeking professional help you might want to get some help. secondly you must throw away your supply. If this is the first time it will be difficult and you will probobly get more but you must make an attempt (I am on my second supply of razors). Please be safe.

Re: stocking up....
Posted by KAT on Mon Oct 22 02:02:33 2001 (#11097)

well this probably has nothing to do with it but I used to be kind of addicted to tylenol ( any kind of pain pills) *if thats even possible* I would down a bottle every two days just about. Do you ever take any of them?? DONT!It will seriously poison your body and possibly kill you , especially if it has asetominaphen(sp?) in it. Also maybe its an OCD. Like someone mentioned to me earlier..and I responded I couldnt breah unless I blinked my eyes three times *or something like that*you know just an obssesion, but whatever you do dont take them. They will seriously mess up your live ( which Im living with right now) I hope any of this made sence bc I dont think it did. sorry be careful, and take care LOVE Kat

Re: correction
Posted by KAT on Mon Oct 22 02:03:46 2001 (#11098)

when I said it will mess up your live* I meant to type liver. that stuff causes serious liver damage..which I am feeling the effects of. Be safe. love ya!

Re: stocking up....
Posted by Ravenstar on Fri Oct 26 02:31:53 2001 (#11276)

You're not the only one stocking up on pills. I have an obsession with stocking pills up and hiding them where no one will find them. Having the pills makes me feel like there's an escape if I should need one

Question about hospitals
Posted by *Poison on Mon Oct 22 03:13:58 2001 (#11099)

here is my question. well...i've been hospitalized enough times..(for me anyway) but i'm sure there will be more...but anyway...i've always wanted to be put in restraints, and just flip out... i feel like it when i'm there but i just can't do it. and then...i don't know...maybe i'm too scared, because they might tell my parents? even if they aren't supposed to. i have this major fear of my parents for some reason...mostly my dad. and i always feel like the nurses and doctors hate me because i'm wasting their time because i'm there because i hurt myself and other people have worse problems they could be dealing with..so i always feel like i have to be really good so they won't hate me even more. *sigh* for once i would really ust like to goto a hospital that helps...i'm just wondering how or if any of u have ever "flipped out" at a hospital..maybe i'm just too shy? i don't know...i suppose i'm just wondering what brought it on if it did happen to you or if any of you have the same problem? i just feel like if i do flip out i would feel sooo much better...who knows.....

Re: Question about hospitals
Posted by KAT on Mon Oct 22 04:05:07 2001 (#11103)

well I dont have too much time to type the whole story but I have flipped out in a hospital. I got up during "quiet time" and took the end of a pencil and started crying uncontrolably and scrapping myself as hard as I could w/ the metal part of the pencil. I cried for almost an hour but of course they put me in 4 point restraints and it hurt so bad, left bruises. and then they drugged me (shot in my butt) It hurt so bad, I cried. Its not fun and I felt even worse after I did it, although I dont know why I did it, I was just feeling worthless and depressed. I dont know if hospitals help, the only hospitals Ive been to havent been long term so they were just temporary care. The people didnt care they see knew people and problems every 2 or 3 weeks..but I your okay. Hospitals arent any way to live, Im sure you know that..freaking out is not fun and then they make you stay even longer. I felt bad bc I was just wasting my parents hard earned money Take care- LOVE KAT

Re: Question about hospitals
Posted by Alana on Mon Oct 22 04:28:36 2001 (#11111)

If you wanna flip out - FLIP THE FUCK OUT! It does wonders for releasing all the shit you feel inside.

Love, Alana

Re: Question about hospitals
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Oct 23 01:57:31 2001 (#11147)

That's the way I feel, just flip out. Maybe coming from me it sounds stupid, but I would think you need some kind of release from your feelings and stuff. Keeping things bottled up never does anybody any good as far as I'm concerned. If I'm mad at someone, they know it. Even doctors say it's no good to keep everything inside, so find some way to get your feelings out. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: Question about hospitals
Posted by damaged on Thu Oct 25 02:17:15 2001 (#11230)

you seem to be very scared of your dad like i am. why are you afraid of your dad? i live with pain everyday and which i could find the right hospital to help also.

Re: Question about hospitals
Posted by ella on Sat Oct 27 22:24:32 2001 (#11320)

Hey, i flipped out i'll tell u more about it in an email, so keep checking yor in box take care -Ella-x-

Re: Question about hospitals
Posted by lys on Thu Nov 1 23:43:06 2001 (#11490)

I was put in restraints twice, and isolation many times. It is not nice. I mean, letting the shit fly can really help sometimes, but if you are clausterphobic or can't be tied due to fear, don't do it.

Re: Question about hospitals
Posted by tiggerval on Thu Nov 8 01:42:48 2001 (#11735)

--TO *POISON-- Hey, I know EXACTLY what you are talking about with the restraints thing. I thought I was the only one who has that desire, and I thought I was some sicko. I think it's some odd sort of fantasy, and in my nine hospitalizations, I have always wanted to be in restraints as well but never quite had the guts to do anything to make it happen. I still want it to happen, but...I remain a gutless coward.

strange thoughts
Posted by necrosis on Mon Oct 22 03:19:55 2001 (#11100)

self harm - what non SIers mean when they say stuff

'how can you do that to yourself' : 'why not take your anger out on someone else like I do?'

'you're so selfish' : 'I don't have the bottle or sincerity to avoid being hostile towards you'

'why not punch a pillow?' : 'I would apologise for my limited IQ & understanding, but I am not aware of it'

'please stop cutting' : 'my friends will never let me into their bridge club if they know I'm friends with someone that isn't a sycophant' (spelling?)

'think of all those starving refugees in Afghanistan - they have real problems' : ' (unsure of any discernable thought process to this one)' - enough intelligence to stay conscious, not enough to worry a lazy plum

''do you know how much pain this causes me' : ' do you know how much I have to see things from my perspective?'

'stop talking on the net to other self harmers, they are all immoral' : ' I need to use the phone to call my illicit lover'

'u should be in a mental home' : 'I should be in a mental home, but the beds are needed for my prejudices scapegoats'

'if you don't talk I'll never understand' : ' please don't talk...I can't cope with it, just let me feel it's you who's to blame'

'why can't you just be happy?' - 'I have 3 armadillos that want my feet - global warming doesn't seem to put them off' (bit odd that one - but so true!)

love x

Re: strange thoughts
Posted by KAT on Mon Oct 22 04:09:02 2001 (#11105)

haha..I dont know if that was intended to be funny but it was.
:) Love KAT

Re: strange thoughts
Posted by Maggie on Mon Oct 22 04:11:24 2001 (#11107)

Hehe...that's so funny. You've got great insight!

Re: strange thoughts
Posted by Alana on Mon Oct 22 04:25:19 2001 (#11109)

Not quite sure I understand all of those - but thats ok, cuz you're drunk and I'm on drugs. It's all good.

Love, your sweetest little 17 yr old (haha, now that ruth's 18) Alana

Re: strange thoughts
Posted by jue on Mon Oct 22 06:41:26 2001 (#11113)

Dave right???

I so know what you mean i smiled and laughed. no offense but aren't we all a bit bitter. i mean i know i am. i don't want to say we have reason to though. i know that bitterness can completely destroy any good thought inside me. i don't know...maybe i am just too scared to admit....

take care...love julie

Re: strange thoughts
Posted by necrosis on Mon Oct 22 07:20:42 2001 (#11119)

you're right Jue, I just was bored & drunk & thought I'd say a few things people would relate to - prefer if I'd have got funnier, but was pretty serious most of it.

love

Re: strange thoughts
Posted by Linda on Mon Oct 22 16:28:54 2001 (#11127)

Well, Dave! I know that really made me want to ask more questions!!!! ;) You know, you could be right on some of that BUT you could be wrong.........and just think what you miss out on when you lump every questioning person into the same ignorant, unfeeling bunch!! Hope you feel better(not bitter) today!

Re: strange thoughts
Posted by nec on Mon Oct 22 22:37:50 2001 (#11133)

it was devisive, & done for some light relief on the board & taken too seriously it seems. Of course people can be very understanding towards self harmers when they themselves aren't but humour sees things from one perspective for a quick hit. An element of truth exaggerated massively & there was some truth in what i said & a lot of embeleshing. you could do exactly the same thing about how selfish self harmers can be.

Re: strange thoughts
Posted by Linda on Tue Oct 23 02:33:17 2001 (#11151)

And ya know...I really thought about doing that because I love a good laugh myself but I was afraid it would be misunderstood. It's good to know that you didn't lump us all together!!! Thanks!

I've heard most of them
Posted by Dawn on Sun Oct 28 23:12:48 2001 (#11359)

Dave, you may have been drunk or just trying to be amusing, But honestly I have been told almost every one of those remarks, except the one about the people on the board being immoral.

Far too many don't want to know about what we do, many in fact that I know of have told me that it is because they have thought about it themselves, but instead had a beer or cigarette, and "Got Over It" then told me to just lighten up and put it behind me.

That I guess would be truth in humor. Dawn

first aid
Posted by becky on Mon Oct 22 04:08:56 2001 (#11104)

hey I'm sorry I know you guys had something on the board about this earlier, but I think it's gone. So anyway what are good ways to diminish scarring? I've only SIed for 10 months on and off, but I still have over 150 scars (I counted what I could.) But my cuts have always been deep and now they look horrible. But anyway back to the question.... umm... so should I cover them and stop so much air getting to them? I really have no clue and I've never even cared about the scars before. anyway please give me some kind of response, but I guess I'll do some research on my own.

Re: first aid
Posted by Maggie on Mon Oct 22 04:17:17 2001 (#11108)

For healing to occur, you need air to get to them. But the best thing in my opinion is Vitamin E oil... buy the extra strong stuff, and rub it in well a few times a day. It does have some effect, especially early on in the healing process. Time is the best fader of scars though... and cocoa butter can be used to make them less obvious. For fresh cuts, used butterfly bandages, which pull the sides together so the gap isn't so wide. Salt makes scarring worse, so avoid that.

That's all I know.

Re: first aid
Posted by kae on Mon Oct 22 05:43:50 2001 (#11112)

this might sound crazy...and im not sure if it actually works.....but i read somewhere that sunscreen can make scars fade really well. it was in article about a girl who went to the doctor to ask about surgery for a scar on her nose, and he told her to apply sunscreen to it everyday. the scar completely disappeared.

try it! might b worth it!

luv and hugz, kae

Re: first aid
Posted by jue on Mon Oct 22 06:48:39 2001 (#11114)

Becky...

do you have scars that are very red, raised, hurt, itch, and are kind of rope like????? if you do (i do/notcool) these are called keloid scars. i am not sure about the US or in your geographical area but, you can go to a dermatologist or plastic surgeon and either have them injected or treated with silicone sheets. if you don't want to go definetely put vitamine E and sunscreen. don't expose them to the sun or tanning beds since this will make them even more damaged. be patient...

take care...love julie

Re: first aid
Posted by becky on Mon Oct 22 23:48:33 2001 (#11135)

thanks guys for all the advice. Yeah I'll try almost anyway except going to a doctor. It's weird, I never heard of scars itching I wonder why mine to that. Is there any reason? oh well I don't know. I best go. thanks again. becky

Re: first aid
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Oct 23 02:06:55 2001 (#11148)

Hi Becky, I'm Rhonda. There are a couple of things on the market to help reduce scarring. They are:

Curad "Scar Therapy"

I think these are small patches or like

bandades.

"Mederma" This is a cream you can buy in the

first aid section.

You might try these and see if they work. As for the itching, I've always been told that if a sore or scratch or cut is itching, it means that it is healing. If you ever want to write me, just email me. I'll write back to you. I don't cut, but have a daughter who does, so I try to help the ones who come here. If you ever get to feeling down and out, just write. Take care and stay strong. Love, Rhonda

can't stop
Posted by diana on Mon Oct 22 04:10:07 2001 (#11106)

i can't stop cutting... n i lost hope. i stopped caring n trying. it got 2 me n its a never-ending addiction. people say 2 keep trying n that you'll make it.. but how can u think like that after you have failed once again?

Re: can't stop
Posted by Maggie on Mon Oct 22 04:27:59 2001 (#11110)

If you're online now, AIM me at 'Mincemind'. You can't expect to stop without relapsing a few times if that's what you mean by 'failing'. I've tried stopping so many times, and always slip up eventually. But right now it's been around 4 months since cutting last, and although I hope I'll never start again, I probably will. But I wont let that stop me enjoying each day that I don't feel that I have to hurt myself to survive.

Don't stop trying... just maybe make your goals more realistic. Take each day at a time, and everyday you succeed in not cutting, count that as an achievement, and start a new goal for the next day. Hope you follow my lead...

Cutting is not failing... it's coping. Take care, Luv Maggie.

Re: can't stop
Posted by jue on Mon Oct 22 06:50:34 2001 (#11115)

well put Maggie.

i hope you are okay diana.

take care...love julie

Re: can't stop
Posted by KAT on Tue Oct 23 00:23:28 2001 (#11136)

woah..Did I just type that message?? DIANA you sound exactly like I used to. I was so lost in depression and cutting that I was sure there was nothing left. I dont know how I got out of the deep hole of despare, and I still occasionally cut, but I got better AND i hope you do too..Im sure you will. Friends and the right medications help somewhat..hang in there love KAT

Re: can't stop
Posted by Kate on Wed Oct 24 21:27:48 2001 (#11218)

You are a carbon copy of myself...I stopped for 8 months, and only cut once in that time. Then everything fell apart, and I've started cutting again-arms, legs, hips, ribs. Deeper and longer. I totally sympethize with you. I hope you are doing better. If you need me, I'm always here to listen! Love, ~*KATE*~

this might sound weird but...
Posted by jue on Mon Oct 22 07:08:42 2001 (#11118)

okay... i got really really scared today. i was at this thing and i was really hoping that this certain guy wasn't going to be there but he was and he gave a lecture. my dad caught him touching me (gross) once and kicked him out of my house. so i am sitting there telling myself i can handle it and not to be ridiculous but i get so freaked out and start crying and hid in the bathroom the whole lecture.

i am so angy b/c there is nothing i want more than to cut myself. but i can't figure out why i was so scared. i don't even really remember, my mom just told me. i want to cut sooooooooooooo bad,, but i just don't want to. something inside me is crying for me to stop...i wish i could find relief from this temptation...DON'T WE ALL???????

well there is just time to bide my time curled up in a little corner of my bed.

fuck...i feel so damn selfish...WHY???

i hope everyone is safe.

take care...love julie

Re: this might sound weird but...
Posted by ~~~ on Mon Oct 22 17:07:34 2001 (#11129)

I'm probably the least helpful person here, but I understand about wanting to cut really badly but at the same time not wanting to.

What do you feel selfish about? I always feel selfish about everything I do.

Try not to cut, keep yourself busy with something, anything - reading, music, even work! Hopefully the temptation will pass soon.

Love Butterfly.

Re: this might sound weird but...
Posted by KAT on Tue Oct 23 00:28:32 2001 (#11137)

Im sorry Julie, Im sorry you had to feel like that. I dont think this is the same sort of thing, but I used to have an extreme fear of men bc when I was younger I suppose something (sexual abuse) happened to me. I would shiver and get the chills if any man even got near me, this made it hard in school. but Im okay, therapy might help..it has helped me, well some. and Time heels all. I want to cut sooo bad too..I cant bc everyone thinks Im okay now and no one knows that every day I wake up thinking of a placve I can cut where NO ONE would see or something I could do to get the same kind of rush.
:( It sucks..its all part of this big shitty deal we got.
:) anyway take care, I hope your feeling better Love Jessica (KAT)

Re: this might sound weird but...
Posted by jue on Tue Oct 23 01:40:00 2001 (#11143)

thank you a lot. i didn't cut amazingly enough. i know what you mean about shivers and chills KAT. i just wish this feeling will go away. ~~~ i think you would be suprised that just letting me in on how you are feeling can help me. it is comforting. don't give up.

take care...love julie

I'm a pathetic weak loser
Posted by Sharon on Mon Oct 22 21:49:44 2001 (#11131)

God, this is so stupid. I cut on Thursday night for the first time in almost a month and a half. So I spent all of my Homecoming and the dinner before painfully aware of my fresh cuts and old scars. Some old ladies at the restaurant kept looking at me like I was a freak or something. Hang on though, it gets worse, I get to the school and it actually is getting semi-bearable when I see the guy I like dancing with this girl, I walked by them and catch his eye for a fraction of an instant and he just looks through me like he has no idea who I am. So of course, my evening sucked and it set off a fresh bout of cutting when I got home. I know most of this is insanely shallow, but I'm just pissed at myself for starting this whole mess up again. Thanks for listening to me rant.

hugs,

Sharon

Re: I'm a pathetic weak loser
Posted by ~~~ on Mon Oct 22 22:37:43 2001 (#11134)

You're NOT a pathetic weak loser, everybody has relapses. A month and a half is fantastic and I'm sure you can do it again and go even longer next time. I've only ever managed about 20 days, so at least you're doing better than me!

and I'll listen to you rant anytime :)

look after yourself, Butterfly.

Re: I'm a pathetic weak loser
Posted by KAT on Tue Oct 23 00:33:07 2001 (#11138)

Hi Sharon..long time no talk. anyway..Im so sorry you had to spend your homecoming like that. Thats kinda why I dont go to dances and things unless I am really confident about it, I couldnt bare to feel hurt and heart break over some guy *who I totally love*. I understand, it was about 3 or 4 months for me and then I all of the sudden just slashed open gashes on my thigh. I was so relieved but at the same time so disapointed and well..It just starts all over gets better then falls again. tough cycle..anyway..I really hope your feeling better now. BE careful and take care Love Jessica (KAT)

SHARON plz read!
Posted by *me* on Tue Oct 23 00:44:18 2001 (#11140)

Hey Sharon...I'm sorry. Don't beat urself up (ha, ok, maybe wrong time to say this, but PUN NOT INTENDED!) about the relapse. You should be proud for going a month and a half. I couldn't make it past...I think it was 19 days.

Teenage guys are stupid. Believe me. Just went thru a huge fight with my friends. About guys. Stupid stupid stupid.

Now, I have a question! It sounds like ur homecoming was the same day as mine. Prolly a coincidence. I won't get all personal bc I know I don't like giving away PI, buuuut wouldn't it be freaky if we went to the same school?? So I was just wondering what state you lived in.

Take care and stay safe. Lots of love.

Re: SHARON plz read!
Posted by jue on Tue Oct 23 01:47:14 2001 (#11144)

i know it has already been mentioned but you are not weak. you went a month and a half that is great. this isn't failure.

take care...love julie

ME, plz read
Posted by Sharon on Tue Oct 23 04:37:45 2001 (#11159)

Hey "me",

I live in Georgia, and I think all the schools here have Homecoming the same day, I don't know about the rest of the country. Anyway, that would just completely freak my butt off and make my day if we went to the same school! :)

hugs,

Sharon

Re: ME, plz read
Posted by *me* on Wed Oct 24 02:50:03 2001 (#11196)

Awww I live in Ohio. Ok...guess that means we don't go to the same school! Bummer. It would have been really cool. I finally would have a real live person to talk to in person!!! Owell.

Lots of love!

Re: I'm a pathetic weak loser
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Oct 23 02:17:41 2001 (#11150)

Sharon, You are not a pathetic weak loser, just a typical teenage girl. There was a guy I liked in high school and he never looked at me in any way except as just a friend. That sucked. But I grew out of it. I found the guy of my dreams and we've been married 20 years now. As for the cutting, it's just a setback, not a failure. So you just start again. YOu know how I feel about you, so write me if you want to talk. Oh, I'm sending you a funny card. Hope it makes you laugh. Take care. Love ya, Rhonda

how can yous do it?
Posted by becky on Mon Oct 22 22:19:08 2001 (#11132)

There was only one time that I tried to stop cutting and I did stop for like 2 months, but after that the cutting got much worse so I stopped trying to stop. I doubt I'll ever have success, but it's cool to hear about other's people's successes. Lots of luck guys and take care of yourselves. Becky

Re: how can yous do it?
Posted by KAT on Tue Oct 23 00:35:10 2001 (#11139)

Becky....you take care of yourself. If you've wanted to stop at one point Im sure you know you cant keep living your life as a cutter. I mean you can but its not a very good thing. dont you agree? Lots of love and hugs-KAT

Re: how can yous do it?
Posted by jue on Tue Oct 23 01:50:07 2001 (#11145)

becky .... take care... thngs can change a lot.. remember that.

love and hugs...julie

I hate the whining
Posted by Alana on Tue Oct 23 00:53:05 2001 (#11141)

As of right now, I'm sick of WHINING! I wish people would stop making their lives look so bad, and I wish people could get past their problems.

I'm just tired of it.

Alana

Re: I hate the whining
Posted by KAT on Tue Oct 23 00:59:00 2001 (#11142)

I dont think its that people are making their lives look so bad, but maybe its just the way they see their life( if its true or not). Im sure we all wish we could get past our problems ..being tired of things is a good start. to recovery( if you wanna hear this shit). I dunno Ive been in recovery so long I just say things Ive heard before in meetings or hospitals, no ones asking for compassion but at the same time we are all desperatly seeking comfort. Take care -

change...
Posted by jue on Tue Oct 23 01:56:46 2001 (#11146)

sometimes...i get so sick of myself...i want some refreshing...here is what has helped me : volunteering at a daycare on the college campus. kids are very refreshing.

"no action leads to apathy" -54-40

"i love myself today not like yesterday, i'm calm, i'm cool, i think i'll be okay, uh huh, i love myself today." - Bif Naked

take care...love julie

Re: I hate the whining
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Oct 23 02:13:25 2001 (#11149)

I guess I see what you call whining as a way to talk about the problems. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, that's cool. Just like everyone can see different sides to the same story. To me this is their way of getting things out in the open. Coping, I guess. Well, that's just my thoughts. I hope everyone is okay. If not, just write. Take care and stay strong. Love, Rhonda

Re: I hate the whining
Posted by ///// on Tue Oct 23 04:52:15 2001 (#11160)

you seem to whine an awful lot yourself.

Re: I hate the whining
Posted by kae on Tue Oct 23 05:10:44 2001 (#11161)

yeah maybe we are all a bunch of whiners. maybe we dont really even have problems. maybe we just need to pull our fingers outta our arses and get on with the shit life throws at us.

but maybe we just dont know how.

kae

Re: I hate the whining
Posted by Alana on Tue Oct 23 05:38:30 2001 (#11162)

I do whine an awful lot myself....I know that. Which is exactly why I hate it. I need to change my life.

Love, Alana

More back than I tought
Posted by Strider on Tue Oct 23 02:41:37 2001 (#11152)

Does anyone else ever have the feeling like, they are just a shell of a human being, and that there is another person inside of them that is just fighting to get out? A person that is so filled with anger and pain that if ever unleashed would destroy all things in its path, in a wave of unimaginable rage and terror, the likes of which have never been seen by mortal eyes? Yeah...

The email adress says it
Posted by Strider on Tue Oct 23 02:44:03 2001 (#11153)

My message is that I can't spell. Oh well. heh, that rhymed..

love and prayers, Colin

Re: More back than I tought
Posted by *b* on Tue Oct 23 04:04:37 2001 (#11154)

Oh yes. I fight everyday to try to keep that person from escaping. So far, I've managed to control her enough to only unleash that rage on herself/me?? I guess all we can do is keep fighting. Take care xx

Re: More back than I tought
Posted by Maggie on Tue Oct 23 04:30:52 2001 (#11156)

Hey Strider! Nice to see you here :) I feel more like a shell that has many occupants, each of them fighting amongst themselves to be the one expressed. I also feel like all these entities are trying to kill the 'original' me, and I really want them all to go away and leave 'me' in peace. I think that's a reason I cut...to let the 'me' escape from all the inside turmoil from the squatters.

I bet you can't follow this... btw I don't have Multiple Personality Disorder, in case it sounds like it. Just have many facets, most of which don't portray who I am really am.

Anyways... where do you think YOUR other person has come from? And why does he wanna get out?

Re: More back than I tought
Posted by Sharon on Tue Oct 23 04:34:21 2001 (#11157)

LOL, I always get this crazy feeling that you guys are reading my diary when I'm here! Yes, Colin, I often feel that way, much, much rage (I'm spiting my evil Lit teacher if you can't tell, haha) But anyway . . . yeah, I feel like that a lot, always hold it in check cuz I don't want to shock all the ppl around me, it's a big temptation to let it out sometimes though. Well, that's it for me.

hugs,

Sharon

Re: More back than I tought
Posted by Alana on Tue Oct 23 05:43:22 2001 (#11163)

Tonight I'm fighting with the old Alana that needs to get out. I think I need that Alana. I know that Alana. I really don't know who I am anymore. It makes me sad to see that everything that I was against - I've become. I've made an oath to myself tonight, I'm going to try my best to get things back the way they use to be. Yes, even then I was still hurting myself, and lived with alot of pain - but I knew who I was and what I was doing.

I don't know myself anymore.

I need Alana back. She's gone, and I want her back. The question is....is she still there? Can she still be salvaged? Hmmmm. I think so.

Good Luck Colin, I hope you can get yourself out of this place you seem to be in. You deserve to be happy and free of anger and rage.

Love, Alana

Yes, and I broke through the barrier, and rage
Posted by Dawn on Tue Oct 23 09:06:31 2001 (#11169)

Thank you for reminding me. I really appreciate it. Sometimes I want to hurry people along in their journey to their true selves and I forget their still at the beginning.

My rage was so extreme I felt like I could here the breaking news reports; "WOMAN GOES BERZERK DESTROYS THE TOWN OF SALEM, OREGON. News at 11."

It takes a lot of work to break free of chains that keeps you locked behind walls of pain and anger. Two things can make the change happen. 1) You take steps to bring you out, or 2) The pressure builds like a volcano and "News at 11 happens.

The first choice doesn't mean the second won't come. But most likely choosing #1 means you are letting the rage come out slower and keeps you in control, so you don't become a news flash.

HOPE THAT DOESN'T APPEAR TO BE A LECTURE, its just a lesson I learned the hard way. I wish you all courage for your journey... Dawn