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Threads 2701 to 2750

Curious about you...
Posted by Maggie on Fri Sep 28 09:23:11 2001 (#10631)

When I graduate from my biomedical science degree, I plan to research Self Injury and try find ways to help us all out. I've got a few questions that I'm curious about...

a) Have you ever had Bulimia/Anorexia? b) Were you bullied as a child? c) Have you been sexually abused? d) Have you ever sought professional help? And has it helped? e) Have you attempted suicide, or had serious suicidal thoughts? f) Have you ever needed medical attention for your SI? g) Do you SI more when under stress? h) Does SI bring you pleasure or just relief?

I've always been really curious if there is a way to profile a 'typical' SIer. I'd really appreciate your responses.

FYI: taking too many caffeine tablets to stay awake the night before a test is NOT a good idea!

Re: Curious about you...
Posted by Nuni on Fri Sep 28 17:55:04 2001 (#10640)

Hi Maggie, Can I help you with this questionnaire. I know you know but I thought I would start. a. Yes, bulimia (asymptomatic) with recent relapse since sept 11. b. No, never bullied. c. yes, molested when I was 14 d. yes e. yes f. no g. yes h. its a weird sense of satisfaction, like i got what I deserved. and then GUILT I have to go! Love, Nuni

Re: Curious about you...
Posted by emm on Fri Sep 28 18:30:00 2001 (#10641)

the answer is yes to everything apart from the sexual abuse. hope it helps you! emma

Re: Curious about you...
Posted by Amanda on Fri Sep 28 19:22:41 2001 (#10644)

a)no b)yes c)no d)i once spoke to an online counseler and it helped a bit, just knowing that he was trying to help made me feel better. e)i have though about suicide befor but i have never been able to bring myself to actually go through with it. f)no g)yes h)it brings me both pleasure and reliefe though both are short lived

Re: Curious about you...
Posted by Sharon on Mon Oct 1 01:31:43 2001 (#10671)

a)yes, anorexia b)no c)no d)no e)yes f)no g)definitely yes h)both, sometimes it's solace and sometimes punishment, mostly just an outlet for rage and pentup frustration etc.

hugs, Sharon

hmmm
Posted by jes on Fri Sep 28 12:39:12 2001 (#10633)

ummm, i dunno. I don't want to believe the people that are right. I want to believe myself. But I don't think I can. The evidence against me is too strong. But if people can believe fairies etc, then can't I at least believe myself?

( Amy- I think this is what you may call submission.)

Re: hmmm
Posted by star on Sat Sep 29 10:44:31 2001 (#10653)

Well if you beleive it then cant you see you need help? and that you have to get it before its too late, some of thses posts are confusing one min your saying one thing then the next another i cant keep up, do you want my help? or me to leave it alone? love always *

Afffffraid to get better
Posted by Dawn on Fri Sep 28 15:44:01 2001 (#10636)

This has been a problem ever since my breakdown. "If I get WELL they will want me to go back out in the world and be OK.

I'm better with Paul here, and now you all, although I have to be honest and say that my lack of solid self esteem creeps up now and then, like many of you, when I do not see with my eyes a response (or several) to my post. Most of the time I'm ok with it. Ppl get busy living their own lives and dealing with their own CRAP, but sometimes I feel the panic of being in the mist of my crap and with time zones and school and work, there is no one here on the board when I'm feeling crappy.

Yes, Paul is right next door. And sometimes that is the problem. I can get just a tad bit irratable, that's a joke, I really get DOWN RIGHT IRRATABLE.

I even slammed down a remote control last night and maybe yelled.

I don't want to be that way. I just have a problem with Paul thinking he can figure out how to program my vcr better than I can. yes sometimes its true and that gets my goat even more, because I get so prideful and upset and my brains goes out the window and I don't get it right. And that is what makes me the maddest. "I shouldn't forget things I know how to do"

I'm afraid of getting a life. Afraid I couldn't handle it and unleash my panic on the world. That was why I quit college a 10 years ago. I went back because I thought everyone expected me to be well, and I knew inside me I wasn't.

I don't want to be well.....men are in work places.... men hurt and rape and say I want it.

Whew....... where did that come from. Guess I'm tired. I'm letting the truth out. I'm not suppose to do that. I'm suppose to be strong.

Gotta go, can't see the screen through the tears. Bye

Re: Afffffraid to get better
Posted by jes on Fri Sep 28 17:52:20 2001 (#10639)

hey hun, don't worry, u don't have to be strong all of the time, everyone has to let thier feelings out, it's not good to bottle them up. i know what you mean about being scared to be 'better' i know i don't have the same situation as you but it scares me to think of going back to college or getting a full-time job because i know tha right now, even tho i'm not what you'd call on top of the world, if i did those things, then it would get even worse and be like it was b 4 and i don't want that. so don't worry bout letting ur feelings out or being afraid cos thats what this place is for and ur not alone. love jes xx

Re: Afffffraid to get better
Posted by emm on Fri Sep 28 18:36:44 2001 (#10643)

hia dawn. long time no see. i know what you mean. you kinda dont want to get better because being alone in the world is a scary prospect. dont worry though. its perfectly ok to fell like that.i do sometimes. if i dont respond to your posts its usually coz im in an awful mood or im really depressed so sometimes i just feel im not up for coping. but i will try. love you lots emma***

Re: Afffffraid to get better
Posted by Nuni on Fri Sep 28 19:24:43 2001 (#10645)

You are right it has happened to all of us at one point or another. I am afraid that once cutting is no longer an option I will again feel lost in my bizarro world. But I tell my shrink this, and we go in circles with the conversations. But I see my self heal (some days NOT) and I feel better. and it makes me feel scared. Ok,now I am going in circles. Later. Nuni

Re: Afffffraid to get better
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Sep 29 01:34:14 2001 (#10649)

Hey Dawn, Personally, I think you are a strong person. But you just go day by day. It's natural to feel the way you do. Even I get scared to do things I don't think I can do. Like work out- side my house. I did before, but I didn't have to deal with the public. I'm kind of shy and am afraid of messing up, but that is nothing like you deal with. You just hang in there. Keep the faith and things will be better on down the road. Write me soon. Love ya, Rhonda

Re: Afffffraid to get better
Posted by *star* on Sat Sep 29 10:56:58 2001 (#10655)

wow, im so sorry to hear your feeling that way but i think i can see how you feel, your situation must be so difficult and im really sorry you had to go through that please know if you even need to talk were all always here and i also will always talk with you. Take care God bless Amz xx (*)

saying hi to everyone!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Tara on Fri Sep 28 17:39:22 2001 (#10638)

hey guys its me.i had a chance to write.i am looking for a new job right now so wish me luck.the nursing thing is not for me anymore.i like spending the time with the old people,but then i have to deal with them passing on.i can handle it and all,its just the fact that i get to attatched to them.there is one more reason but it is to long to type again.that other reason is posted here.its under to jen.that is not the main reason i want out of nursing though.it is what i just told you.i could never do this as a life job.it would get to me to fast.its almost like you have to watch them die.a few weeks ago an old lady named ruby rymer passed away.she was one of my favorites.the really bad thing though is that she died on my shift and after she passed away i had to go and kinda clean her up for when the furneral home came and got her.it did not hit me until i was holding her hand and wipping off her arm that it hit me she was really gone.i broke down into tears and so did the other girl that was helping me.its like i know that death is a part of life and you try to prepare yourself for when they do go,but you are never really ready for it.no matter what you do.i am just scared that one day i will not be able to handle it anymore and loose(sorry not spelled right)it and start cutting again.that is my worst fear of all.i guess i trust and love people too much.its a good quality to have sometimes but not all the time like me.well i am gonna go now.if you feel like chating e-mail me.i love getting e-mail.and writting back.

LOVE YA LOTS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

Re: saying hi to everyone!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Sharon on Mon Oct 1 01:35:38 2001 (#10672)

Tara,

Hey, it's great to hear from you again. I'm sorry about that whole nursing thing, it's totally understandable. It's hard not to get attached even when you know you gotta say bye. Good luck on finding another job and stay strong with the cutting. Love ya and take care.

hugs, Sharon

i wrote this the other day.....wot do u think???
Posted by Amanda on Fri Sep 28 20:12:32 2001 (#10647)

ok so im not sure if anyone will like this, i wrote it the other night and i just wrote and wrote. let me know what you think.

crying my ruby blood, bleeding my crystal tears, through your clear blue eyes, can you see my clouding fears? i dream of a pain, an insanity here to stay, sadness to feel, to feel and then to gain, growing deep inside, the darkness hidden there, ive tried so hard to hide, the nothingness thats there. a misty piece of grass, unclear and unsure, like my minds own eye, an anger clean and pure, a sadness hidden too, no one to relive, i feel so dark and blue, these ruby tears, this crystal blood, hidden fears, noone to love, where to run, and where to hide, i dont know, i cant decide

well let me know guys!!! Love and Hope Amanda

Re: i wrote this the other day.....wot do u think?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Sep 29 00:48:16 2001 (#10648)

It's great! I'm gonna say it again, some of ya'll are very talented when it comes to writing and I think you should check into getting some of your stuff published. Maybe I'll write a not to the creater of this web site and ask him about this. Would anyone be interested in this if I checked into it? Let me know. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: i wrote this the other day.....wot do u think?
Posted by Maggie on Sat Sep 29 04:37:36 2001 (#10650)

WOW that is really great! I think that Rhonda is right that you should get your poetry published.

Keep the words flowing, Luv Maggie.

Re: i wrote this the other day.....wot do u think?
Posted by Dawn on Sun Sep 30 07:34:48 2001 (#10664)

Here here. I totally agree you should write more and submit it. I personally do not know of anyone who gathers poetry for publishing about self injury. Most of the one I know of are about incest.

Before happening upon this site (after I got my webtv system) I didn't know there was a place I could personally connect with others who SI.

And I liked seeing your name listed as the postee.

I understand though that it is a mood thing. TRUST ME I HAVE MOODS.....POOR PAUL. YESTERDAY WAS ONE OF THEM. I even got too irriatable for me to be around.

Keep writing. Love ya Dawn

HELP!!!
Posted by *star* on Sat Sep 29 10:53:30 2001 (#10654)

Sorry for the little over the top title but i dont know what to do, i fell like i need to scream to get this all out, what am i going to do? a friend who posts on this wont admit her illness that i know she is getting i know she hardly eats and when she does belittles herself for it and im scared so very scared that her lifeas gonna end and soon and i know the cuttings worse again, i cant cope with this, do you want me to stop it *jes* just stop caring or something? i really really cant thats my problem i dont know how and dont want to i want you to get treatment. i dont know what else to say, if anyone on here could give me advice i would be so grateful All take care of yourself and if you ever need to talk im here. Amz x (*)

Re: HELP!!!
Posted by Nuni on Sat Sep 29 17:53:11 2001 (#10660)

That is a very nice thing you are doing for jes. Keep in mind that no matter how bad you want her to get treatment it wont work unless jes wants it too. I dont mean to seem harsh. Many times friends have the right intentions but they must keep in mind that you could alienate the person going through this. I recall my friend the first time she saw my (and the last) she cornered me and basically said that if i did it again she would stop talking to me and she would tell my husband. My hsband already knew and knows, but her threat was enough to make her and I drift apart. Now I know she use to be ANOREXIC, and I asked herbecause I noticed her taking laxatives and avoiding meals. Now, noone person is the same but she was so mad at me she lashed back. I am trying to say that keep showing her support and that you love her and care about her. Jes is a smart girl and she will come around. Stand by her, she needs you!!! Love Nuni

Re: HELP!!!
Posted by Dawn on Sun Sep 30 07:52:26 2001 (#10665)

I know nothing about annorexia but I do know a lot about self harm and that no one can make you do it or stop doing it.

I know you care. We all care for each other. There are times when intervention is called for. But you know from your own experiences that interventions can backfire and completely break up relationships.

Not too long ago a person on here said goodbye and said she had taken a bunch of pills and I did everything I knew how to do to find her and get help to her before it was too late. others on here turned their frustrations into intercession with God for her life. I too went in that directions but because I used to work on a hot line I put my crisis intervention hat on before I put my christian heart on, well I was actually doing both. The point I'm trying to make is that when we put people and problems into Gods hands help never comes too late. God knows where everyone is and what they need, and trust me He is the Helper of the Helpless. pray for her. Dawn

To Nuni and Dawn
Posted by star on Mon Oct 1 22:37:52 2001 (#10683)

Thank you both nuni and dawn for your reply they really helped and dawn i will pray for her as i know it works i will put into His hands Thank you and God bless Amz xxx

Every Person's Bill of Rights
Posted by Dawn on Sun Sep 30 06:24:58 2001 (#10661)

1. The right to be treated with respect. 2. The right to have and express your own feelings and opinions. 3. The right to belistened to and taken seriously. 4. The right to set your own priorities. 5. The right to say "NO" without feeling guilty. 6. The right to ask for what you want (knowing that others have the right to refuse.) 7. The right to get what you pay for. 8. The right to ask for information from professionals. 9. The right to make mistakes. 10. The right to choose whether or not you assert yourself.

From; THE NEW ASSERTIVE WOMAN by, Lynn Bloom, Karen Coburn and Joan Pearlman. Delecorte Press, New York, 1975

Rights & Never Your Responsibility to
Posted by Dawn on Sun Sep 30 06:49:33 2001 (#10662)

Bill Of Rights

YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO: put yourself first, at all times; to make mistakes; to be the final judge of your feelings and to accept them as legitimate; to change your own opinions and convictions; to protest unfair treatment or criticism; to negotiate for change; ask for help or emotional support; to ignore the advise of others; to say "NO!"; to be alone, even if others would prefer your company; to not take responsibility for someone elses's problems.

IT IS NEVER YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO; to give what you really don't want to give; to sacrifice your integrity to anyone; to do more than you have time to do; to drain your strength for others; to listen to unwise counsel; to remain in an unfair relationship; to conform to unreasonable demands; to be 100% perfect; to follow the crowd; to put up with unpleasant situations; to please unpleasant people; to bear the burden of another's misbehavior; to do something you cannot really do; to feel guilty about your inner desires; to submit to overbearing conditions; to apollogize for being YOURSELF; to meekly let life pass you by; to BE anyone but EXACTLY who you are.

My take on the 2 posts about rights
Posted by Dawn on Sun Sep 30 07:22:19 2001 (#10663)

Many of you are teenagers, others are still in the 20s. I was once young myself, and extremely naive. I was brought up by a woman who took a hammer to my father's head, whe yanked her children (6 and under) out of bed in the middle of the night to show the two dismembered bodies in her front yard and tell them, "See, this is what I've told you would happen to you if you cross the street."

Needless to say I grew up having no rights. I ran away 9 times, for no known reason, the last was just after I turned 18. I lived on the streets for 4 months, and like most run away girls on the street the payment for shelter for a nite was taken by force in the middle of the night. And when night was over and my housemates had all left. I gathered my things and went in search of another place. After 4 months one man did not do what all the others before him had so I convinced myself I had found a safe haven and made up my mind. INDEED I SET MY MIND ON MAKING HIM LOVE ME AND NOT LETTING GO OF HIM FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

It wasn't long before I was emotionally a prisoner of my own making. People have e-mailed me and asked me why I stayed 16 years? The answer is just what I told you. I knew life on the street. And I believed him when he said no other man would want me, and that when he picked me up off the street I had nothing and if I left I'd take nothing with me--- NOT EVEN MY 3 CHILDREN, and he would hunt me down and kill me, because there was no place for me to hide.

Trust me, there are thousands of runaways just like me living the life I lived. And there are as many women being abused and threatened with the same things. So if you even consider running away. Think about me.

In therapy, after the lock had been broken on my tongue and I went in and began telling my therapist what my life had been like I found a group of women like myself. And in therapy together we began to slowly tell our stories. But greater still we learned we had rights.

I love to read, back then I read stories about others who had survived rape and child abuse, and an incredible thing began to happen. It was like they were telling my story and I grew more comfortable telling mine myself.

If I had know I had rights, maybe I would not have let so many people take them away from me.

If you can copy and paste, or print the rights up please do so. I can't remember where the second set came from but if someone gets it trouble please give them my email and I will take the punishment....I take that responsibility because I believe the lives of each and every one of you are too important to hold such important information to myself.

And don't worry about me. I feel POWERFUL!!!!!! Dawn

so sick of it all
Posted by prune on Sun Sep 30 08:01:18 2001 (#10666)

god i'm so damn sick of this. i was doing ok. i was fine. then all of a sudden i went back to my razors...well no. got new razors. damn stupid new blades. double bladed. so much easier. i dont even have to break off the safety. maybe they fixed it that way on purpose. wanted me to cut again. wanted me to cry myself to sleep all over again. so itchy now. just slashed up my arm. not even deep, but the scabs are so itchy. need to get $ so i can buy more guaze and stuff. out of iodine, and the peroxides bad now. paranoid about peroxide. its no good if it comes in contact with too much light. thats why its in brown bottles. paranoid that its worthless and i'll get some weird disease. putting all my stuff from "the michelle era" into a box, maybe. dont want to let go. still want to be her friend. best friends for 7 years and she dumps me. tried to kill herself on my b-day last year. happy birthday to me... want to just die sometimes, but too scared of the pain. such an asshole. should slash my throat again. but nathan..what would he think then. love him so much. but no one loves me. he could never love me back. the worst feeling in the world. being in love alone. he'll never know. i'll die in love with him and he'll never know. my friends will tell him in school maybe the week after i die, and then he'll be upset, i guess. i'll have made him upset. dont ever want to upset him. too perfect for me to disturb. god i love him. but hes catholic and im pagan. his parents will hate me. his sis already does, i think. like most ppl in the world. dont want him to hate me. want so badly for someone to love me..want him to love me. but ppl will talk. good movie, that is. have to go now. have to sleep. have to dream about nathan loving me finally. been a year and a half. should say something to him. but cant be rejected. cant deal with that again. cant be hurt again. only i'm allowed to hurt me. only me and michelle. really have to go. might not come back. might get lost.

Re: so sick of it all
Posted by Dawn on Sun Sep 30 23:58:08 2001 (#10668)

I don't know who you are. Can't remember seeing any of your post. I am concerned about you.... and shouldn't tell you this but, no I can't tell you how to buy the right kind of razors. I guess you buy the ones you do because it would seem pretty normal to buy razors for shaving your legs. I've been miserable and desperately depressed and have used many things to harm myself. But I've learned that self harm is a temporary solution to a prolonged situation. Cutting does not change what it wrong it only helps up get past a moment in time.

If we really want help we need to find someone to talk to about the problem that brings up the feelings that numb our thinking abilities so we get swept away into the whirlpool of distorted feelings and ideas.

It is hard to get to that place. It takes a lot of willpower and determination. If you want help with the thing that you escape from with cutting email me

News about Rhonda
Posted by Dawn on Mon Oct 1 00:01:53 2001 (#10669)

Rhonda may not be on the board much for a few days. Her father had a wreck on his motorcycle and broke 4 ribs. Rhonda is helping her mother take care on him. She sends her love and wishes you all well, and hope to be back on the board soon.

doing great - living on my own!!
Posted by lys on Mon Oct 1 00:54:31 2001 (#10670)

so, it has been 2 weeks since I last posted, and well, I am doing really well.... I mean, almost better than that... I am moving again tomorrow, the last time for a while (it will be my 9th move in less than 9 months.... good lord....)!! well, I am at my parents right now, I couldn't resist the temptation of my little sister offering me pumpkin pie, which is one of my favourite foods.

On my own, the only issue I have been having is money issues, but I am dealing with them. I mean, twice now I have had to swallow my pride and ask for food from the food bank, and since I grew up with my mom always saying that she would never rely on such a 'source' of help, I find it quite difficult. But again, i am dealing. I mean, I feel really good. As I said to dotti in the private messages, i am doing well enough that I can actually get my stress headaches, whereas before I just didn't get them because I was SO stressed. But I am doing great. I hope at least some of you can say the same. Well, I have to go home now and finish packing. I have been procrastinating.

Take care, and I will check in again soon! lyssie

Re: doing great - living on my own!!
Posted by Sharon on Mon Oct 1 01:40:44 2001 (#10673)

Lys,

That's so great that you're doing so well! Thanks for letting us know what's up with you. I'm glad that you're feeling good about yourself, attitude often takes care of a lot of other stuff! Take care, and oh yeah, enjoy that pumpkin pie!

hugs,

Sharon

Re: doing great - living on my own!!
Posted by UnendingMisery on Mon Oct 1 23:16:51 2001 (#10686)

That's very cool. I'll probably be moving out on my own soon too. I'm nervous about it. The money thing is really what scares me the most I think. But, school isn't going all that well and I'm sure my mom is sick of me by now.

The food bank is a good idea. I'll have to remember that when I'm starving in a gutter somewhere.

Take care and good luck -- Jason

Re: doing great - living on my own!!
Posted by UnendingMisery on Mon Oct 1 23:17:07 2001 (#10687)

That's very cool. I'll probably be moving out on my own soon too. I'm nervous about it. The money thing is really what scares me the most I think. But, school isn't going all that well and I'm sure my mom is sick of me by now.

The food bank is a good idea. I'll have to remember that when I'm starving in a gutter somewhere.

Take care and good luck -- Jason www.darkhosts.com/iammisery

Re: doing great - living on my own!!
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Wed Oct 3 20:37:21 2001 (#10712)

Haza! good to hear you're doin well. call me

Drew :)

to sharon
Posted by Tara on Mon Oct 1 01:49:51 2001 (#10675)

hey girl,

how have you been.e-mail me asap.i really would like hearing from you.so would my mom.

LOVE YA LOTS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

and then he hurt me
Posted by sullengirl on Mon Oct 1 03:10:39 2001 (#10676)

i am so damn fed up with this. i had to go check to see if i was going to have to cut another life short today, and he wouldn't even come with me. it's all my problem, right? not his at all. i mean, if i did have to go have an abortion, would he be there? the other one wasn't last time. i went in all alone, passed out because the fucking nurse couldn't find a damn vein to draw blood from (that's hilarious...she should have just waited until later and i could've given her enough blood to save 30 lives.) and even after this new one listened to why i'm freaked out about the whole situation, he didn't even mind that i went alone...again.

a simple little slit was all it took, though. ok. maybe 2 or 3 simple little slits. all of a sudden, he's my knight in shining armor. "we have to get help for you, honey. please let me help you." funny. where was he when i was in the grocery store, in the bathroom, and then wrapped up in a ball at the bottom of my dorm room shower. i don't know where he was. obviously not there, though.

i wish
Posted by sara on Mon Oct 1 05:06:44 2001 (#10677)

you know what i wish...i wish that someone would tell me that it won't be ok when i hurt myself b/c its not. and a well meaning friend just saw my arm and goes it will all be ok. but the thing is that i'm starting to think that its ok to hurt myself and that its ok for adults to have hurt me as a child and that its ok for me to starve myself to the point i can't even pass a physical...i don't know what to do. i want it to be ok, but its not.

sara

Re: i wish
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Oct 2 03:02:40 2001 (#10695)

Sara, I wish it would be okay, but you're right, it's not okay. I just wish I could figure out a way to help more. All I can do is sit here and type on this stupid computer and wish I could crawl through it to each one of you that is hurting and give you a big hug. I hope that some of this stuff that I type gives someone encouragement to get through another day. Email me if you want to Sara, I'll write you back. Take care and stay strong. Love, Rhonda

Judging others and their choices
Posted by Dawn on Mon Oct 1 05:11:49 2001 (#10678)

It is hard, On Me Especially, I tell ppl they have all these rights, and that its never our responsibility to..... be anyone but EXACTLY who we are....

And then I read posts and see the life choices people make and cry because I would like it better done a different way.

It is at times like these that I must remember that I reside in my skin not anyone elses and their decisions are their own, whether they elect to starve themselves, or have abortions.... who am I to judge what is right or wrong.... I've wrestled with these issues for years. I have my Christian beliefs, but when my life is crappy I consider taking my life and choose to cut instead. To many Christians I am wrong.

But there is a church not far from my apt. that has a basket of stones just outside the sanctuary with a note that says "He who is without sin cast the first stone"

Well I certainly do not fit that qualification, so I pray that God will remind me of that basket and who I am without His love and forgiveness.... but should I make a judgement against any of you please call me on the carpet for it.... because I will deserve it. And it wil help me GROW Love and hugs Dawn

Re: Judging others and their choices
Posted by star on Mon Oct 1 22:46:06 2001 (#10684)

that was so true babe if you ever need to talk im here Amz xx ps you are not wrong you are a christian, i am also not seen as a usual one but i try and He knows i do.

Chickens
Posted by Maggie on Mon Oct 1 17:01:30 2001 (#10681)

God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courange to change the things that I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.

-I like this one-

Re: Chickens
Posted by prune on Mon Oct 1 23:51:55 2001 (#10690)

grant me the serenity to realize that you didnt mean for me to be disgusted, the courage not to hurl all over my computer, and the wisdom to find a board that the religious freaks havent taken over

Re: Chickens
Posted by Nuni on Tue Oct 2 02:06:14 2001 (#10693)

Prune, like I said on the latter post. I am happy to that you can put sentence together. Why dont you jump off your HIGH horse for a second and look at yourself. What is it you are fighting. The Serenity prayer is actually used by many.. MANY!!! There are no such things as freaks on this board. I have been posting here over a year and collectively not one person has ever insulted anyone here or what they posted and has walked away unscathed. If you want to post your CRAP fine! If you need to express anger DO IT! Maybe someone can help you. IS this your way of crying out? Because let me tell you your cries are piercing!! Read over the prayer again... it probably made you reflect on what changes you need to make. If you need a hug, you got it, DO you need someone who will listen to you here? You got that too, and noone person will think you are a freak of any kind.

Re: Chickens
Posted by Maggie on Tue Oct 2 14:39:51 2001 (#10702)

I have to admit that your take on that prayer was creative and made me laugh. I posted it up for others to read, because I realised that it had relevance to our struggles with SI. If I removed the word "God" from the beginning, it would be no difference to one of those inspirational quotes that atheists and christians alike can appreciate. What exact part of those 36 words did you dislike...that annoyed you so much that you treat my posting as a personal attack on your hangups??? Or is it just that you jumped to conclusions that I'm some crusading Christain attempting to convert all who read to my twisted faith??? You certainly have no basis to assume my motives on 3 sentences which were meant solely to inspire people. The fact that I am a Christian has nothing to do with my posting. If that were a Muslim prayer and instead began with 'Allah', I would have still posted it. Maybe you should re-read it, this time absorbing more than the first word. Obviously you can't see past your bigotry, and I have the serenity to accept I can't change that.

Maggie.

¤ Site Update ¤
Posted by UnendingMisery on Mon Oct 1 23:12:44 2001 (#10685)

I added a new essay to my site today. It's a bit darker than the other ones. I've had it in my head for a long time now. It needed to come out. I think after watching the movie American Psycho I finally had the motivation I needed to put it all in writing.

--Jason--

"But inside doesn't matter...There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the viscious and the evil. All the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it, I have now surpassed. My pain is constant and sharp, and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape. But even after admitting this, there is no catharsis. My punishment continues to allude me. And I gain no deeper knowledge of myself. No new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. This confession has meant nothing." -- from the movie American Psycho

filling up space again
Posted by prune on Mon Oct 1 23:47:47 2001 (#10688)

i hate religion. so damn conceited. they think they follow the bible. they have the arrogance to condemn me. "touching the skin of dead animals makes us unclean." nice leather belt there, reverand. "my brother-in-law insists on working on sundays. can i burn him at a family gathering?" good episode. and season finale, cussing out "god" !!! in latin, nonetheless. yay yay yay. teach stupid fuckin christians a lesson. think theyre so damn high and mighty. think they have all the answers to the world's problems. then why are they sitting on their asses waiting to be "saved"? why dont they get out and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT??????????????????

goddamn stupid jackasses

Re: filling up space again
Posted by Nuni on Tue Oct 2 01:58:25 2001 (#10692)

Hi Prune, I am proud to be serving in the military of the great USA to help protece your rights to say things like that, post them and express them. I admire that about you. I am a believer in Jesus Christ, but I wouldnt say that I am sitting on my ass waiting to be saved. I am thinking it has been an effort on my behalf to maintain this relationship with him so I dont feel so ANGRY all the time, or I dont feel afraid when I am informed that my husband, my brother or even myself may be going to fight this WAR. What is it you are doing about it? Are you sitting on your ass expressing how you hate Christians, why dont you get off your ass and do something then. or maybe I should ask... what Christian person your idea that all Christians are the same, we are all HYPOCRITES. But you probably already knew that. I learned that I must examine my own actions before I can examine others. I dont have all the answers. But I have the patience and belief that things happen for a reason. What happened to you, what was said to you that you think any Christ follower is the same way? Tell me please what is it you want done to apeace your anger?

Re: filling up space again
Posted by cancel all post, all is camel hoops on Tue Oct 2 05:30:21 2001 (#10697)

a lot of us seem to have been raised with Christian beliefs foisted upon us. It creates a necessary anger & resentment when some of us feel it is most integral to ourselves that we should go our own way.

People will worship cake mixture if it makes them feel better about themselves - but if you shove cake in front of their nose repeatedly & make you feel inferior for hating the taste of cake - you're going to get cake right back in your face

I have never met a humble Christian & never will as the belief they know better than non believers is naturally poisonous to friendship with non believers.

everyone can believe what the fuck they like as far as I'm concerned, just please don't patronise. Many gorgeous individuals that are Christians reap the repercussions (spelling?? - dsfhjfshfskd) of narrow minded bigots & they get hell fire & brim stone from the unblessed. The majority are fine, but there is a definite sense I have that many self harmers come here to feel understood & they react strongly to overt god speak.

if people so often express such hostility as a result of your beliefs you must see it's no coincidence. One thing I would like to say to all the devotees on the board - please don't use logic cancer to explain any beliefs. believe what you will, say what you feel, help those that you can - some very good people on this board with strong faith I know help a lot of people.! - but don't use reason to explain your beliefs as it's pure faith & it's very irritating when someone bothers to explain the 'why' of it all when the reason they use haemorrhages in daylight.

Nuni - you seem so delirious at the prospect of killing people out of revenge - I also agree with how you feel, but being a Christian how do you legitamise that?

'thou shall not kill', 'love thy neighbour' 'show them the other cheek' etc.. (unless he has a tank & everything you believe needs self deceptive manipulation for your self preservation)?????!- like anyone ever took notice of that coz as we all know history has seen no bloodshed in the name of Gods beloved son & acute sarcasm hurts the 'sarcastigater' far more than anyone ever will know

there are a lot of religious speaking bods on here & that's fine, but obviously when you say you 'know' the 'answers' it upsets people - especially as it makes some that were made to feel so guilty & worthless for not agreeing as kids feel like they are wholely disagreed with again & they must therefore be 'bad'. But discussion is fun!!!

' ' just for the hell of it

initially I posted to make a bit of peace, then I had to stop myself getting really anti god - peace????????

love & trumpet dirt

xx

Re: filling up space again
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Oct 2 02:56:06 2001 (#10694)

Hi, I haven't talked to you before so I'll warn you, you may not like what I say. I AM a Christian, but I'm not sitting on my ass waiting to be saved. I was saved when I was 14 years old. Everybody has a right to what they believe, but nobody should be put down for their beliefs. Everyone here knows about how I feel about religion. We've had discussions and fights about it on the board before. All it does is get everyone upset then things are said to hurt people's feelings. If you don't believe in religion, that's fine. It's not for me to judge anyone. In fact, my dad and I get into discussions about this cause he is a real extreame believer. That can be good or bad, depending on your point of view. Like he believes we should all be in church every time the doors open where I believe I can go outside and be in the biggest church of all. In fact, I don't go to church very much, but that doesn't stop me from believing in Him. If you're gonna get upset everytime someone mentions God or religion, you're gonna be upset a lot. And I agree with Nuni, are you doing something to help solve the world's problems? If not, don't you think you should instead of lashing out at people who believe in something you don't understand? I don't mean to get anyone upset, but this is how I feel. We are all in this world together, we can't go anywhere else. It's gonna take everyone working together to solve problems. That's all I'm gonna say for now. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: filling up space again
Posted by Dawn on Tue Oct 2 05:25:44 2001 (#10696)

Prune, interesting user name. I am a Christian, the only real differece between being one and not being one is that Christians believe in a Redeemer who paid the penalty for our sins, and who is the Blessed Hope which does not disappoint. We all live in the world, all face the same problems people have been facing for years, and all of us are facing war at this present time. Being a Christian does not get us out of our problems, it helps us get through them.

Right now my son sounds just like you. I am not trying to change you. The Serenity Prayer is a guiding light which is used by many to take a look at the problems we face, so we can see if there is something we can do to change our problem or not, and if we can do something we ask for the courage to get off our asses and do it, and we ask for wisdom to know the difference.

You are not a problem, but your persecution of Christians is. I have done what I can to educate you, as did Nuni and Rhonda, so now we all set back and see if we need to just accept that we have done what we can and leave it up to you.

Voluntary group
Posted by Self Harm Alliance on Mon Oct 1 23:49:07 2001 (#10689)

DO you suffer with deliberate self harm?

We are a survivor lead national voluntary group that aims to support people like you via postal , telephone and e-mail support, newsletters, advocacy, family help service, website and much more.

If you are looking for an understanding support system look no further please contact us at

Selfharmalliance@aol.co m Po Box 61 Cheltenham Gloucestershire GL52 6LH

WWW.GEOCITIES.COM/WHOOS HKAT

Hey
Posted by Miss Twiggy B on Tue Oct 2 00:00:03 2001 (#10691)

Hey everyone, Havent posted for ages, just having a glance, thought i'd say Hi. Cutting seems okay for me at the moment, i havent for a couple of weeks, also giving up smoking at the moment which is cool, feel a bit shitty but getting there... Take Care Emma xx

Want to cut a hole in my heart
Posted by Dawn on Tue Oct 2 05:47:07 2001 (#10698)

I've worked very hard to heal my broken heart. I own my responsibility of being a bad mother since 1986.

When my issues with my own mother came up I was so filled with rage I wanted to dance on her grave, to kill her with my words, telling her what she had done to me and the result of it, I wanted to wale on her chest with my fist.

Now my son is in that frame of mind but he blames everything on my choosing Jesus.

But that isn't important. he is taking his anger and putting it on the shoulders that bore it all on Calvary for me.

But the heart beating in my chest is hurting. I want to take all the ways you young people have said of how you cut and do that to me....... but what will it solve?

Will it take the memories out of my son's head, or mine. No......

If cutting doesn't do anything to change our situations why do it.

I guess I'm going to do it to mark the place that hurts right now.

Re: Want to cut a hole in my heart
Posted by UnendingMisery on Tue Oct 2 06:35:30 2001 (#10699)

I'm sort of new here so I don't really know many people. I don't know you or your situation. Sounds like you're feeling a lot of grief from your mother. Sounds like your son is lashing out as well. I think sticking with your faith is a good start. If you're a member of a good church you'll find the support you need. Christians are good for that sort of thing.

I'm not sure what your son's problem is. Maybe he needs to go to church too. How old is he? I really don't know.

As far as cutting. I think we all know it doesn't help our situation. It's just a coping method like drinking. As I write this I've got 8 shots of rum in me. I had 4 shots with lunch today..about 12 in all today. What did that accomplish? Nothing, except adding another empty bottle to my collection. I'll just buy more tomorrow. I haven't cut in several weeks and I'll be able to sleep tonight though. Basically, it's a release. I think many here can relate to that. For many (myself included) it takes away that tension. I feel anger and disgust all the time. If I wasn't drunk I'd lie awake for hours every night plotting my own destruction. Without that tension I feel at peace enough to sleep. We all just want to find peace...good luck finding yours

--Jason

www.darkhosts.com/iammi sery

ummm...nothing
Posted by jes on Tue Oct 2 14:04:18 2001 (#10700)

i dont know where to start. One thing tho' Amy- yeah, i did kinda expect it but i expected more than a leter or e-mail or post on a web-board from you. and like i said b4, 1 FUCKING STONE i'm gonna stop now b4 i embarrass myself in publis and start crying some moer in the library. love jo

Re: ummm...nothing
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Oct 3 01:41:38 2001 (#10706)

Hey Jes, I hope I didn't upset you when I asked if you take any meds. I really didn't mean to. And I hope you don't mind if I still think about you, cause I do. If you ever want to talk, just email me. I really do care and your weight doesn't matter. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: ummm...nothing
Posted by jes on Thu Oct 4 15:28:25 2001 (#10717)

thanks, and of course u didn't upset me! i don't know what else to say, ijust feel shit at the moment. i've decided tha i am NEVER drinking alcohol EVER again! (well, 'til next time n e way!) i went out on wednesdayand my friend was 'making' me drink JD's and we went to this place and i fell asleep on a table and when the bouncers tried to get us to leave, i threw up all over them, myself and the table and so my friends had to carry me out of the plce with me crying and apologising to n e 1 i could lay eyes on! i think i don't know why i wrote that, maybe it reflects just how wonderful i feel at the moment, and also it alwasy helps to give various updates on ur life doesn't it??!! yeah, n e way, no, u didnt upset me and yes i might just take u up on the offer of talking when i got something interesting to say. love jes xx

Re: ummm...nothing
Posted by star on Fri Oct 5 14:08:13 2001 (#10735)

if the drinking was about me please dont do it, i dont want to cause any problems for you and i know i said id never leave you but sometimes you have to practis e a little self protection its called getting the hell outta somewhere and running as fast as you can as you see what a situation is doing to you. *

Re: ummm...nothing
Posted by star on Fri Oct 5 14:01:44 2001 (#10733)

well you expected more than an email, a letter or a post did you?? hmm thats intresting when i gave you just about fucking eveyrthing i could! everythning you moved in to my home, i tried to be ytour friend tried to get you help tried eveything and you get to a point where you think hang on what the fuck am i getting outta all this? my answer absolutly NOTHING if people read this they will think im being mean probably maybe i am maybe ive had enough of all this shit maybe thats it, i couldnt talk to you you dont listen the only way i could think of doing this was to write to you cause at least then i couldnt get it thrown in my face, said you didnt want my help anyway, do you realsie how shitty you make me feel? i didnt fuck this up you did, i really tried i think most people would have given up and i thought no cause i really cared (still do beleive it or not) but it didnt get me very far did it, but dont you dare blame me, just dont i feel bad enough already because i think i let you down but the more i think about it the more i know i didnt, you never wanted my friendshipo in the first place, and i bet you and Lee and Craig are loving bitching about me and emm throuhg all this shit well just think who was there for you with a home and love and who got it thrown in thier faces??? seems a bit different then doesnt it. i hate this shit. *

Re: ummm...nothing
Posted by star on Fri Oct 5 14:05:09 2001 (#10734)

well you expected more than an email, a letter or a post did you?? hmm thats intresting when i gave you just about fucking eveyrthing i could! everything you moved in to my home, i tried to be your friend tried to get you help tried eveything and you get to a point where you think hang on what the fuck am i getting outta all this? my answer absolutly NOTHING if people read this they will think im being mean probably, maybe i am maybe i've had enough of all this shit maybe thats it, i couldnt talk to you you dont listen the only way i could think of doing this was to write to you cause at least then i couldnt get it thrown in my face, said you didnt want my help anyway, do you realise how shitty you make me feel? i didnt fuck this up you did, i really tried i think most people would have given up and i thought no cause i really cared (still do believe it or not) but it didnt get me very far did it, but dont you dare blame me, just dont i feel bad enough already because i think i let you down but the more i think about it the more i know i didnt, you never wanted my friendshipo in the first place, and i bet you and Lee and Craig are loving bitching about me and emm through all this shit well just think who was there for you with a home and love and who got it thrown in thier faces??? seems a bit different then doesnt it. i hate this shit. *

Re: ummm...nothing
Posted by jes on Fri Oct 5 15:28:26 2001 (#10736)

i'm sorry. i was upset. it just hurt to find it out thru a letter. i don't blame u and i'm not bitching. i dont have anything else to say beause it's too easy to make u angry with me at the moment. love jo

Re: ummm...nothing
Posted by star on Mon Oct 8 12:31:13 2001 (#10787)

im not angry with you im disapointed that we couldnt work it out and that such a important thing as our friendship had to end this way, i didnt want it to ansd stilkll dont but there isnt anything i can do now..its up to you you need to get help and i have had enough of waiting around and waiting and waiting for you to sort it out, ive really tried but i cant do this anymore. Amz xxx

Re: ummm...nothing
Posted by jes on Mon Oct 8 15:02:03 2001 (#10791)

will u accept hug??

*hug*

love u

hello nice people
Posted by the boy in the bubble on Tue Oct 2 15:37:51 2001 (#10703)

I have bad news it looks like our band is about to split the thing is me and the guitarist can't get on with the keyboard player because he has an ego bigger than texas and we have no drummer anyway i'm pretty upset by this but there's not much we can do it really can piss you off stuff like this just thought i'd share that

'resist resist who would have thought it would come to this'

Healing Scars
Posted by DeathbyPain on Tue Oct 2 17:49:39 2001 (#10704)

I cut my arms about five times a day. its not just beacause im depressed. I just that I like seeing the blood drip down my arm. Its warm and i love the smell of my blood. i have no intent of stopping. the thing is that everyone keeps saying 'what happened to your arm' and stuff. now they all think im a freak and people avoid me. can someone please tell me how to cover up the scars or make them heal faster?

Re: Healing Scars
Posted by Dawn on Wed Oct 3 07:53:15 2001 (#10709)

Neosporm is a good way to fight infection and heal wound faster, and according to tv commercials helps to reduse scaring. The very way is give them time to fade. Another thing is massage and lotion. It moistens the CLOSED WOUNDS and with massage it smoothes out scars. I know this to be true because I had carple tunnel surgery and the surgeon cut right up one of the lines in my hands and with lotion, massage, untrasound and times my scars are almost invisible.

But if you don't like people mentioning them you have two options, 1. cover them up with bandages or clothings, or get a sign that says DON'T ASK

Sorry, I'm a tad bit crabby today

Re: Healing Scars
Posted by val on Tue Oct 9 17:17:06 2001 (#10813)

The Red Cross do a camoflague makeup service here in the uk I should think it is available in the us too. It is special makeup for covering scars and other blemishes and once put on kasts for up to 3 days. You have to see one of their experts for skin matching so you get as close a metch to your natural skin colour as possible and they show you how to apply it too. once on its almost undetectable and really covers the scars well. my scars are wide and red and its works brilliantly,I have much more confidence now to wear short sleeves etc.we get it free here but you may have to pay for it I dont know but its definitely worth the cost. Hope this is useful to you. Luv val.

Maggie!!
Posted by Nuni on Tue Oct 2 23:58:51 2001 (#10705)

I will try to call you this evening. I have some news about the job I was telling you about. Maybe we can meet on AIM... Ok, take care, HUGA and Love you! Nuni

Re: Maggie!!
Posted by Maggie on Wed Oct 3 12:36:05 2001 (#10710)

I love you too girl. I went to a seminar for post-graduate studies tonight and 2 professors asked me if I wanted to study in their lab team!!! I thought I'd have to beg to find someone to take me on, but apparently not.

I also had a session with my psychologist today and he told me that a few months ago there was a staff meeting just about me! They were debating whether I had borderline personality disorder or not, and apparently they decided NOT. I'm still curious what label they've given me, not that it really has relevance anyway though.

I went to pay off my airfare today. I can't believe I'll be there in like 5-6 weeks!!!

Hope we can chat soon, Luv Maggie.

i'm tired
Posted by jue on Wed Oct 3 01:55:15 2001 (#10707)

i used to post here quite a bit but i don't that much anymore so no one probably knows me. all the same i have to write this to someone... and i feel i can't disappoint anyone in my life. i am just so tired of trying. i feel so irritated and down and depressed all i can think of is cutting myself. i just really really don't want to. it has been a while. i just want to curl up. but i am soo scared. my sister says she can feel a dark spirit within me when i am like this. i just don't want to go back to that hole. i wish someone would take me and hold me. i feel betrayed b/c everyone assumes i am better. my best friend has started cutting b/c of me and now i have to support her. she can't find out how low i am. i feel so alone and i really don't want to go back to my place where i have to socialise with my room mates. i thought i was over this. i don't want to go down again. i feel like i am taking strength from a dead body.

Re: i'm tired
Posted by someone preferring not to be named on Wed Oct 3 04:00:03 2001 (#10708)

hey jue

just wanted to message you to give you a big hug. i used to come to this board and you and i talked a lot. i just want you to know a couple things - you're a very special person, a dear friend to me. and i know how it is when everyone assumes you're better. it pissed me off to have everyone acting all happy and dandy and proud of me when i was still in the same dark place.

if you'll let me, i'd like to hold you for a minute

>>>>>> ;>>>>>>>& gt;>>>>>>> ;

thank you :)

a friend

ps - your friend did NOT start SIing because of you - something inside of her made her start... NOT YOU! don't blame yourself... it only leads to heartache. love you tons, girl.

Re: i'm tired
Posted by jue on Thu Oct 4 07:12:24 2001 (#10716)

just wondering...do i know you from the psyke board only? i appreciate your kind words but i am infinetely curious?? i have an idea... e-mail me please

Re: i'm tired
Posted by me again on Sun Oct 7 00:11:27 2001 (#10768)

I emailed you, hun. Love tons.

again
Posted by michael on Wed Oct 3 16:47:16 2001 (#10711)

I've not written on here for a while...it's kind of sad to see that so many new messages are posted everyday...anyway, i needed to write. I only just realised something recently, and it's started me thinking about my life and things and cutting again. I stopped cutting about 6 months ago, although i have done it lightly a few times since, and i've been off my medication completely for about 2 weeks. Anyway, about a week ago i moved away from home to go to university. One night me and my housemates were sitting around the kitchen table, when one of them asked me what i'd done to my arm. I always knew that people would notice and that i couldn't always hide it, but somehow i'd managed to put it to the back of my mind and ignore the fact that every new person i meet will eventually find out. I hadn't really thought about it. But now i am, and i’ve realised there's going to be so many more instances where people will ask me what the marks are, there'll be some many more people who wont understand and will label me. For every new friend i make i'll have to build up my courage to wear a t-shirt...kind of build them up in a way, so they work it out for themselves and i don't have to explain, i suppose it's because i have no confidence but i can't confront anybody about it and when someone asks me what i've done it feels like my stomach has filled with lead and i feel sick and i just shy away and hide. The crux of this is...what's the point in stopping if people are going to notice anyway...i don't know, is that a stupid question? Sometimes i want to cut so much, i know if i do it once i'll want to do it again, but will it really matter?

I don't particularly know where i'm going with this anymore, so i'll leave it there. michael

Re: again
Posted by Nuni on Thu Oct 4 03:31:58 2001 (#10713)

Hi Michael, I can say I have been there before. I suppose lying about a mean cat doesnt quite cut it anymore. Shying away isolates us more. I am not sure if you want us to give you an idea of what to say.. but since you havent cut in a while maybe saying something like "I use to have problems and this is how I dealt with them, I am better now" I think some of us we dont need an excuse because of the anger, guilt, shame, pain we carry inside of us. Call it what you will, but this is part of your life. Try not to alienate yourself for what you do or use to do. You will find those that will understand not just here on the board. BE patient, we love you. I love you, I am glad you are reaching out!! Nuni

Re: again
Posted by KAT on Thu Oct 4 04:14:20 2001 (#10715)

hang in there sweetheart..... Things will get better....trust me...PLEASE! love you-KAT

Hi...Its me!
Posted by KAT on Thu Oct 4 04:12:13 2001 (#10714)

hi i havent been here in a few months looks like theres lots of new people...that saddens me..sorry to say it. But Im glad if you came for help! wow...look at me...I think im cured...yeah right..things are pretty good now Its been about 2 months since the last cut and wow no drugs for a while..about 4 months ...life is much better w/ o those things..Im surpised at myself I didnt think id be alive till now.. love you all -KAT

Re: Hi...missed you so much
Posted by Dawn on Thu Oct 4 21:38:59 2001 (#10721)

I'm so glad you are back and that you are much better. love and hugs Dawn

Re: Hi...Its me!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Oct 5 03:01:25 2001 (#10727)

KAT,KAT,KAT, I'm so glad to hear from you. I'm especially glad to hear you're doing okay. WOW! You show that it can be done. Keep up the work and take care of yourself. Write me if you want to. Love, Rhonda

I'm kinda new
Posted by Marie on Thu Oct 4 16:57:22 2001 (#10718)

Hello everyone... I'm actually an old poster who left for a while... I've been off the board for months and the users have all changed... I could really use some support, I'm cutting worse than ever and I'm caught in a downward spiral and I'm so scared... Any advice/help would be appreciated...

Hello Marie
Posted by Dawn on Thu Oct 4 20:42:40 2001 (#10720)

If you go back several months you could read my posts and my responses and get an idea of who I am and stuff that affects me, I'll let you do that if you choose.

For now I will tell you that as cutters we often go through our white times when we can handle life and all its twists and turns, then sometimes something happens and we revert to our tried and true bad habit. It is like an alcoholic. Some can quit drinking and begin thinking they are not alcoholics, then they take a drink and they begin again where they left off, not starting over with one beer, or one shot... but rather, one six pack or two.... maybe a bottle of whatever harder stuff they drank.

Right now I have one wound, but I want more lots more. It seems that it will take lots more to releive my heart.

But cutting doesn't FIX the problems in our lives, in fact it makes more. But as a cutter I know that cutting does something inside me that nothing else does. But then again the wound I made the other night, working on it twice, before and after my boyfriend walked in and almost caught me cutting, luckily I had the bathroom door shut, so he didn't acutally SEE me cutting. My cutting is something for me and me alone. I can talk about it, but it is totally different than someone witnessing me cut. Its not going to happen.

Cutting is a powerful source that grows with each use. To stop we have to stop. Otherwize one cut is not enough, no amount is enough to fix what is wrong. we have to fix our problems in other ways.

Just remember you got this piece of advise from someone who is trying to find a way to make the symbol of a broken heart on my body. Love Dawn

Re: I'm kinda new
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Oct 5 03:06:15 2001 (#10728)

Hi Marie, I'm Rhonda. I don't cut, but that doesn't stop me from supporting everyone here that does. I try to give them hope and just let them know that there is one adult that really cares about them. If you ever want to write to me, please feel free to. Don't know if I'll be able to help that much, but I will try without judging you. The only advice I can give you right now is to just live each day at a time. Even if you have to go hour by hour. I won't ever tell you to stop cutting cause that won't help. There are all kinds of wonderful people on this board who know more than I do about your feelings. Reach out to them and they will help you. Love, Rhonda

Re: hey marie
Posted by Amanda on Fri Oct 5 11:22:13 2001 (#10732)

hey marie, the only advice i can offer is fight every urge you have, if you dont try to fight it then you will never win.

Love and Hope Amanda

Lindsey????
Posted by *poison on Thu Oct 4 23:38:28 2001 (#10722)

hey guys where is lindz??? i haven;t been on the board in about a week cause i've been wicked stressed out with making up all this homework that i missed while i was in the hospital, i had like a friggen nervous breakdown in school and now their making me drop a class so i can have a study hall. which really sucks because i'm trying to graduate early so that i can just leave my house and get better, just because i LOOKED like i had 3 F's on my progress report. but one of them is an A- now because she finally corrected my project, and the other one i only have to stay after school for an hour for 5 days cause that's her policy that if you miss her class then you have to stay after to make it up. and the only one i'm really failing is French because i haven't had time to stay after to make up some tests and quizzes. I'm sorry but my parents aren't home 24/7 to pick me up from school every friggen day, and my school doesn't have a late bus so...Fuck them all...grr it pisses me off. the guidance counselour was like i really think you should drop french or something because if you don't your going to end up failing all your classes which will be worse. and she's like what happens if u get sick and you have to be out of school for a week and have to make up homework again?? and she wouldn't get off my ass about it. she was like telling me her whole life story of how she was an over achiever and stuff and how she eventually had a "meltdown" cause of all the pressure she put on herself etc.. and then she had the nerve to keep saying that most likely i wouldn't be able to graduate my junior year which is my main goal right now, and the whole reason i'm doing all this. and she doesn't even know if that is true or not. so finally i was just like FINE, and i dropped french...i love french though...so i'm just going to take an outside class for it...SOMETHING...i wanted to call my school super intendent to see if it was even plausable to be able to graduate early with enough credits etc. but i lost his number somewhere. GRRR it makes me soo mad. it's like they don't believe i can do it on my own and i just want to show them all! i was doing fine, i had it all planned out, i was just about to get to making up my french work and now this! GRRRRRR i BETTER be able to graduate my junior year, if i have to i'll move to another school where they say i can. I know some schools must do it because i know that there are 16yr olds in college etc. so why not moi??? i just wanna LEAVE!..sorry no back to linsey where is she??? usually she posts everyday!

~KoKo~

Re: Lindsey????
Posted by emm on Fri Oct 5 17:58:59 2001 (#10738)

i know where is she???? im kinda getting worried. lindsey if your out there let us know. also im sorry your having such a bad time at school. im kinda having problems to. ive been chucked out of my french class!!!! because i panic when it comes to the oral side of things. anyway, hope things improve for you. love emma***

DiStUrBeD........
Posted by black rose on Fri Oct 5 00:20:09 2001 (#10723)

hi everyone...if u don't know me already my name is Christine...u can call me Kittie! I haven't been posting very much just to c how I'd do w/o the board for a while...things have gotten a lil better, I haven't cut in 2 1/2 weeks (so my bf wouldn't leave me)! I've missed u all soOo much...I'm struggling to not cut right now but that's my problem...how's everything going?? I bet u don't even remember me...it's ok! I g2g!! please post back!! *hugs* Christine (Kittie) (if I sound happy to u right now...I'm not...it just seems it when I type)

Re: DiStUrBeD........
Posted by nuni on Fri Oct 5 02:47:53 2001 (#10726)

duh. how could i ever forget you... hugs to you too, cheer up, and keep fighting!!

Re: DiStUrBeD........
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Oct 5 03:09:24 2001 (#10729)

Hey Christine, I remember you very well! Do you remember me? Glad to hear you're doing a little better. Keep going!!! Write if want to. Love, Rhonda

Re: DiStUrBeD........
Posted by Dawn on Fri Oct 5 04:14:36 2001 (#10730)

You may not reccognize the new username/address it me still overcoming-1

I have missed you so much, sent you many cards, but never a notice you had picked them up. Thats ok though..... I'm just glad you are doing so well. love and hugs Dawn

Re: DiStUrBeD........
Posted by emm on Fri Oct 5 18:02:35 2001 (#10739)

hi kittie!!!! soooooo glad to hear from you. of course i remember you. i thought something bad had happened. im glad your ok. im...well a bit crap at the moment. schools bad and im getting really stressed about it. ummmm.dont know what to say other than welcome bad!!!! lots love emma***

some thoughts
Posted by *me* on Fri Oct 5 00:27:40 2001 (#10724)

Hey. Some random thoughts I thought I'd share. There was a retreat for the freshmen at my school today. I was with one of the girls in my junior class who must be friends with this one frosh, bc they were talking. Newayz, this girl was saying how her friends were being so supportive to her at the retreat bc she was "going through such a hard time right now." And she said that she had told her one friend, "It's like an addiction," and how her friend was all like, "No it's not bc you can stop, you're strong!" And I don't know this frosh for beans, so I really don't know what her problem is, but I immediately thought of cutting. I really wanted to ask her what she meant, but I thought that would be rude. Thinking about it now, her problem could be any of a number of things, but I immediately jumped to self-injury. And then I ran into a girl who used to be a good friend of mine, but we've drifted apart, but she was (I don't know if she still is) suicidal. And she cuts herself. She is way open about it. And we were talking about this research project we both have to do, and she was telling me that her topic is suicide. And I don't know, I just started thinking about how many of us (SIers) there are out there in the world. I mean, really. There are probably sooooo many people that we all know that cut themselves, and we just don't know it. I know that I LITERALLY would be the last person anyone I know would pick to be a cutter. Yet, I struggle with that pain every day. Think of how many more people there are out there. I know part of what I stuggle with is the lonely feeling that no one knows what I feel. I guess the point of this post is that I realized just how many ppl there are that DO know how I feel. Realizing that probably doesn't help much during the very low low low points....I don't know. I just came to that realization and thought I'd share.

Re: some thoughts
Posted by nuni on Fri Oct 5 02:44:52 2001 (#10725)

i totally love it that you shared. im glad you did. i feel that way quite often actually. love you all sososo much.

Re: some thoughts
Posted by Dawn on Fri Oct 5 04:25:21 2001 (#10731)

Wow, you too. I had just sat down at a bus stop and looked to the left to make sure I wasn't crowding the woman there and bam I saw scars all over her arm. We started talking. She said she hasn't cut in 17 months, she went or still goes to therapy where I used to and she went through the DBT group. She knew my therapist as well as the one I fired. So weird.

By the way I've misses you so very much. Love and Hugs Dawn

In your endless summer night i'll be on the other
Posted by Fran on Fri Oct 5 15:58:25 2001 (#10737)

Dear all This feels very strange for me I left the board over 7 months ago now. I used to post everyday for the best part of 6 months, the guys here helped me through alot. I got worse and better and worse and better. I think it's a long battle, down a winding road and it's hard so hard. I left on bad times, I think other people were having bad times to and they sometimes took it out on board members, I got quite hurt. But that's in the past now. After I left my cutting got bad, I almost had a breakdown, I pulled myself up though, even managed to stop cutting some of the summer, started eating some meals and not throwing them up. I'm living with college students now, I find it quite hard without the support. Beautiful and Dying (Helen) always helps me when things are bad. In some ways I'm doing better at college but I've also got worse. I'm just about to go into psychotherapy (which to be honest I don't have a lot of hope for). Because of all this I wanted to join the board again. I hope I can help you guys to, I want to be there. I hope you don't mind if I can share my feelings and emotions too. I'm very sensitive, but I will try to take critisism. Speak to oyu soon. Love Fran P.S My subject is a lyric from Hole isn't it beautiful?

OMG OMG your bak!!!!!!
Posted by Amanda(lost and lonly) on Fri Oct 5 19:31:28 2001 (#10740)

HELLO!!!!!! god its been so long since you have been here. i cant believe your back. WELCOME BACK!!! well dont for pulling through your tough times. of course we(i speak on what i think every1 else will say) dont mind if you share your feelings fran, the more people that are here the more support we all have. im glad your back. speak to you soon. Love and Hope Amanda

Re: OMG OMG your bak!!!!!!
Posted by Sharon on Fri Oct 5 21:16:14 2001 (#10742)

FRAAAAANNNNN! You're back! I've missed you bunches. That's so great that you managed to pull together, it shows me that it's possible, you're an inspiration! And so is everyone else on this board. I never realized before how strong people can be. Well, that was me going off on a little meditative tangent, but anyway, welcome back!!! :)

hugs,

Sharon

WHAT A CO-INCIDENCE!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Nicke on Fri Oct 5 22:11:39 2001 (#10744)

Well the one day I come back to check how the site is doing and you post.

I haven't posted for a while myself but I come back every now and then to see how things are.

Well I'll stop waffling. Just wanted to say welcome back nice speaking to you again.

Nicke.

P.S. Hope you remember me and I haven't just made a fool out of myself.

Mindless
Posted by Amanda on Fri Oct 5 19:35:34 2001 (#10741)

Through my eyes, I blankly stare, Mind rushing, With hidden flare, Flaming pain, And buried fear, Nothing far, And nothing near, Clouded thoughts, Like smoke-filled air, Hidden lies, In a deep, dark laire,

Sense and reason, Gone to shreds.

Dunno why i wrote it, i just did, Love and Hope Amanda

Re: Mindless
Posted by Nicke on Fri Oct 5 22:06:46 2001 (#10743)

Kewl, liked it lots

Nicke

Re: Mindless
Posted by Dawn on Sat Oct 6 02:08:09 2001 (#10750)

What a beautiful poetic paragraph. This is one Rhonda should help you get published, love and hugs Dawn

Re: Mindless
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Oct 6 19:10:47 2001 (#10761)

Hey Amanda, That is really great. Thought I'd let you and everyone know that I've been in touch with the guy who created this board. He's gonna be making some changes(for the good) and told me he will post on the board when he is ready. I asked him about getting some of ya'll's (funny looking word) poems published and he is also looking into it. He asked me if I would be willing to help select and edit them and after thinking about it,I told him yes. So you all save those peoms you write and maybe soon they will be published somewhere. Good job to everyone who writes. Love, Rhonda

NEW BUT NOT REALLY!!!
Posted by Nicke on Fri Oct 5 22:21:11 2001 (#10745)

Hey there,

I just to post on here and the board was a great help when I was having a bad time. (I was here when Fran was here.) I used to cut alot, I attempted suicide numerous times and ended up in hospital.

I left the board when things started to go right for myself.

I haven't cut since MARCH and I see myself as being near the end of the "road to recovery." (I still see a shrink but not often and I have a councellor).

Well I guess what I am saying is that the board has helped me so much so I want to give something back by helping those at the board now.

So Stay strong, Nicke. XXX

bitch
Posted by linzee on Fri Oct 5 23:13:27 2001 (#10747)

sorry guys i cant come here anymore cuz some BITCH is going here and sending my posts to my mom so yeah bye sorry e-mail if u want

Re: bitch
Posted by KAT on Fri Oct 5 23:24:49 2001 (#10748)

damn that sux... who is this "bitch" if you wanna talk e-mail me LOVE!

take care...

Re: bitch
Posted by concerned on Sat Oct 6 00:02:48 2001 (#10749)

The BITCH did it because she loves her and didn't want to see her deteriorate any more. Linzee is now in the hospital getting the treatment she needs. I am sure she would appreciate any helpful and positive support, not more negative comments.

i think i know who u are
Posted by linzee on Sat Oct 6 18:38:15 2001 (#10759)

wow yvette good cover up.

to lindzRe: i think i know who u are
Posted by troubled on Sat Oct 6 19:15:04 2001 (#10763)

Who's Yvete? I have been trying to find a site for a while now for my own purpose and came across this one. I like the way people here post. I can realate to some of the stuff that is being said. Sorry if I upset you in any way. I just think that every one should get the facts before they make a jugment.

Re: bitch
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Oct 6 19:14:56 2001 (#10762)

I'm sorry about what is going on and that you feel you have to leave. If you ever want someone to talk to, email me, okay? Take care and stay strong. Love, Rhonda

Call me ms crabby... I'm in a funk
Posted by Dawn on Sat Oct 6 02:47:16 2001 (#10751)

Yesterday I came on the board, made a few reponces, the typed a post about how I went and got a tatto of a heart with a break in it and a tear drop coming from the break. Then when I went to make a hard return I hit the back button instead and lost everything I'd written and was feeling even worse and too shitty to retype it I just turned the web off and watched tv.

Today I called my counselor and told her I have too many appointments and that I am in a panic because now I'm supposed to go to physical therapy twice a week followed by aquatic therapy in a pool, wearing a supplied bathing suit.

You girls on here who have eating disorders who believe they are fat when others see you as too thin will not relate to this. I weigh 230 pounds mostly boobs and a belly like that of Santa Claus which giggles when I walk. Now tell me do you think for a second I will slide my rotund body into a supplied bathing suit, hop in a pool and have my boobs to float out of it and choke me with someone or others watching. I don't think so.

I don't care who sees my scars, but watching my boobs float and my belly bob is not going to happen. I'd kill myself first.

Which is what I've been thinking about since my son emailed me and gave me a bunch of crap because I believe in God.

My faith is not shaken, but my heart which has been broken for years is giving me a headache and I'm crying because I love him and the anger he is spewing my way is deserved. I've expected it for years. I beat myself up every day because I can't get certain scenes out of my head. I've no right to expect love from any of my children, but I want it just the same. tears racing from my heart...Dawn

Re: Call me ms crabby... I'm in a funk
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Oct 6 19:20:18 2001 (#10764)

Hey girl, Sorry you're having a bad time. Guess more cards are in order huh?!!!! About your son, give it time. I always say, what goes around, comes around. It may take a while, but he will eventually realize that it has nothing to to with God. Keep the faith. So you like teddy bears huh? Idea forming. Talk to ya later. Love ya, Rhonda

Re: Call me ms crabby... I'm in a funk
Posted by KAT on Sun Oct 7 18:28:29 2001 (#10777)

Dawn....you got a tatto?? woah! ...I am a young girl, 16 almost 17 and Ive known you for a while now and I am fat also. I weigh about 150lbs and im 5'3 being a fat teenager w/ scars isnt the best life I could have imagined but Im glad im breathing, you know people say stuff in the heat of the moment Im sorry about your son....I truly am. let me tell you this from my perspective...my mom and dad used to beat me for about 12 years of my enitre life and I wanted to kill them. Ive tried...and I just had to let my feelings go and whats done is done and you can only move forward..Im sure your son loves you and for whateevr reason you think he doesnt...Im sorry. I hope your feeling better I dont wanna loose you by any means, you've been there for me and Id like to do the same for you.....you stopped e-mailing me though! start again if you dlike remember this is KAT (Jessica) I have two e-mails buttercupj157@yahoo.com and pantera101girl@hotmail.com love KAT

To Concerned...Please Read
Posted by *Poi§on on Sat Oct 6 06:16:23 2001 (#10752)

Excuse me...can we talk about this rationally? personally *concerned* i believe that if u truely understood, and were truely concerned, then you should understand that lindsey does this to help vent her feelings, and isn't that a good thing??? Yes, it may not be to the people who need to hear it, BUT at least she is getting it out. You are not helping her by blocking this coping skill she has obtained and which works for her. you must understand it from lindsey's point as well. We are not here to give lindsey any negative comments, and if u check previous posts, i'm sure you will see that none have been given to her. Now, having lindsey in the hospital may not be the help she needs, who are you to say? hospitals DO NOT solve problems. they just extract you from the enviroment that you are in and monitor you very closely. if it is lindsey's cutting you are worried about, maybe it would help you to learn some more information, i'm not saying that cutting is a good thing, but it is a coping skill, even if it is a negative one. and i am POSITIVE this is not helping lindsey from her post. You are blocking her way of expressing her emotions in a positive way, this may cause her to cut MORE. please do not think of me as just trying to be on Lindsey's side or anyhting like that, but understand that there is more to it than just the cutting. and if i were lindsey i would post under a new name *hint hint* so that she could still express those emotions without her privacy being invaided. I understand that you care for lindsey, and please understand that we also care for her. We just can relate to what she feels and do not judge her for her cutting, we see more than her cutting, we know how great of a person she is, and it is things like this that really kill me to see, because even though I know you care about her as well, you unknowingly are hurting her the most. PLEASE consider being more of a friend to Lindsey in a way that SHE needs, not only yourself. maybe in some way you two can come to a comprimise...let's say...that no posts of lindsey's will be e-mailed to ANYONE unless they contain suicidal ideation. There is no way you are able to stop lindsey from cutting, all you can do is let her know you are there for her, and this is not the way, this would be pushing her away from you into a darker circle of lonlyness. No one can stop Lindsey from cutting except Lindsey. yes, you may be able to make it harder for her, but she will still do it, and usually this means that it will become worse because she is made to harm herself in other, more dangerous methods. please re-think your decision..think about it in Lindsey's point of view. isn't that who you're doing this for????

~KoKo~

Re: To Concerned...Please Read
Posted by troubled on Sat Oct 6 08:18:02 2001 (#10753)

Yes we can talk about it rationally. Did you see the last post that Linds wrote in sept? The one titled "it will soon fall". That is a suicide note. I know I have written many of them. I may not cut but I have chosen other ways to deal with my pain. I do understand the feelings of despair and anxiety with no where to turn. Maybe BITCH realized what kind of letter it was or got scared and sent it on to whoever would help. Maybe she was scared that she would never have Lindz around again. Before you come to the conclusion that she did something wrong you should get the facts.

Re: To Poison ....Please Read
Posted by troubled on Sat Oct 6 08:20:29 2001 (#10754)

Yes we can talk about it rationally. Did you see the last post that Linds wrote in sept? The one titled "it will soon fall". That is a suicide note. I know I have written many of them. I may not cut but I have chosen other ways to deal with my pain. I do understand the feelings of despair and anxiety with no where to turn. Maybe BITCH realized what kind of letter it was or got scared and sent it on to whoever would help. Maybe she was scared that she would never have Lindz around again. Before you come to the conclusion that she did something wrong you should get the facts.

to anyone that wants to know my view.....
Posted by Amanda on Sat Oct 6 11:07:12 2001 (#10755)

i think that what concerned did was mayb not the best way to deal with the situation. i know that when i told my friend about citting she did someti=hing that i think was the best possible way to help me, she spent hours on the internet. reading doctors reports, personal stories, facts and opinions as much as she could find. she was desperatly trying to understand what i was doing and why. this meant that we could talk about it in the way that i could talk about it with anyone here. she started to understand what i was going through. Concerned mayb youu could try this, it will help you and it could help lindsey. and troubled i see what you mean about the post in sept, but i think what lindsey was saying was that it wasnt just that post it was others as well.

well thats my bit. Love and Hope Amanda

to Amanda re:to anyone who....
Posted by troubled on Sat Oct 6 18:02:10 2001 (#10757)

The way I read the post was that Bitch did something and not concerned. When you see things that people have written and you know it's a suicide letter you panic. I know I have scared a lot of people with my letters. It took me a long time to try to understand why these people would "turn me in" so to speak but I realized that was their way of coping. They wanted to do something and did not know where to turn. At first I was very mad at them but the bottom line is that I'm still here and today I thank them for caring. Whoever did this to Lindz might not of handled it very well but Lindz is now getting the help she needs even if she doesn't realize it yet.

hummmm.......
Posted by *poison on Sun Oct 7 05:24:33 2001 (#10769)

the way i took lindsey's last post was the "concerned" sent her mother many posts not just the suicidal one...and we all get suicidal, but, if we really wanted to die we would be dea if you ask me...taking pills really isn't a method to kill yourself...it is but it is a more prolonged, agonizing death, as if you are waiting for someone to save you. so in that sence it makes a lot of sence, and yes it is dangerous etc..but still...just making some unknown point...

~KoKo~

Oops
Posted by Maggie on Sat Oct 6 13:51:26 2001 (#10756)

I was working today (in a Spanish restaurant) and some strange instinct caused me to use the corkscrew on my head!!! I don't know why, it wasn't a conscious effort but I started screwing the sharp end into my temple (soft area on side of head). I went far enough to draw a bit of blood! How f@#ked up is that??? Nobody saw me thank goodness when I realised what I was doing... but it hurts and I have a small surface hole. I haven't even SIed for like 3 months but I am SEVERELY sleep-deprived... done two all-nighters this week for assignments. I think it is the tiredness factor that stopped me realising what I was doing. Oh well.

Don't try this at home kiddies. Luv Maggie.

Re: Oops~~~ WHAT???
Posted by Nuni on Sat Oct 6 18:35:47 2001 (#10758)

Maggie!! I hope you have finally gotten some sleep over the weekend. I most definitleu think that sleep deprivation had something to do with you do doing that. I love you sister!!!! (((MAGGIE))) Nuni

Re: Oops
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Oct 6 19:03:49 2001 (#10760)

Maggie honey, Did you get some sleep? I sure hope so cause I think not having any sleep didn't help any. Anyway, I hope you're doing better. Love, Rhonda

Nuni and Tara's Mum
Posted by Maggie on Sun Oct 7 13:46:57 2001 (#10775)

Yes I did get some sleep, although not nearly enough due to the reasons I give in my other post. Thanks for the concern though. I don't think I'll be attempting another home-done frontal lobotomies for a while. :)

Take care, Luv Maggie.

ok, i never know what to title my stuff...argh
Posted by *me* on Sat Oct 6 20:42:55 2001 (#10765)

Ok, I'm a junior in high school and I'm starting to look at colleges and stuff, and I just have a query for neone who can help me here.

I was thinking about how when you're in a dorm, you have to shower there and umm...get dressed either in the bathroom w/ ppl, or in your dorm w/ ur room mate...and ok first of all that's just not something I look fwd to, but second of all, how do you do that w/o ppl seeing the scars/NEW CUTS on yourself? It's like impossible. And that scares me. And I know I have like two years until I REALLY need to worry about this, but I worry about everything!!! And so if anyone has ideas about how to deal with this, they would put my mind at ease, for now. Thanks.

Re: ok, i never know what to title my stuff...argh
Posted by *poison on Sun Oct 7 05:27:59 2001 (#10770)

Sometimes you can get a dorm to yourself..or maybe you can try and get one with a friend who knows you, if you are going to the same college that is?. i'm a sophmore in HS and i am thinking about the same things because i'm graduating next year, and it is scary to think about, espically since in college it isn't like you can just go home in the afternoon and get away from it all.

~KoKo~

Re Me and Poison, here is a thought
Posted by Dawn on Sun Oct 7 10:03:22 2001 (#10772)

I am older, and bit more open with others about my cutting. But I did go to college. I went to a private college and lived for a couple of months in a rented room with a single mom and teenage daughter who were rarely home. Then I transfered to a community college and again lived off campus in a studio apartment.

I took a couple PE classes where I showered in the open but most of the time there were showers with curtains and you could put your towel around you till you got to the shower stall.

Another thing college is not like jr or or high school. Everyone is mostly in a hurry to get showered and get to their next class. And if you do live in a dorm with a room mate there is always the bathroom to change your clothes in, and bathrobes to move about in.

So please don't panic. Hope this helped. Love and Hugs Dawn

Nelly Furtado
Posted by *me* on Sat Oct 6 20:47:42 2001 (#10766)

Lyrics from her songs that I like!

Your faith in me brings me to tears Even after all these years And it pains me so much to tell That you don't know me that well

They say that girl ya know she act too tough tough tough Well it's till' I turn off the light, turn off the light They say that girl you know she act so rough rough rough Well it's till' I turn off the light, turn off the light And I say follow me follow me follow me down down down down till' you see all my dreams Not everything in this magical world is quite what it seems

Re: Nelly Furtado
Posted by Nicke on Sat Oct 6 21:53:05 2001 (#10767)

I have to agree she has a way with words, I have to go out and buy her album.

Nicke

More of her lyrics....
Posted by Amanda on Sun Oct 7 11:26:07 2001 (#10773)

well well wot do i say, looks like wot goes around comes around. every1 will have their finnal say some time someday.

only a short bit but i love it!!! Love and Hope Amanda

Just venting... don't bother reading this.
Posted by Maggie on Sun Oct 7 13:43:48 2001 (#10774)

Why is it that I have a mission to help all those afflicted with mental illness, yet I offer no sympathy to my own relative who has her own mental problems??? My aunty had been living with us for the last 4 months after leaving her partner after all sorts of shit went down there. She seemed to have completely sorted out her crap and was annoying the hell out of my family because she is really really self-centred. My grandma from Australia came to stay with us last week so we used that as an excuse for her to move out, even though we have room for her here. Anyway... conveniently she had a complete nervous breakdown last Monday at work. So she got put in some psychiatric ward, and sent back here. SHE NEEDS 24 HOUR SUPERVISION, because she is an attention-seeking immature 50 year old, who wants everyone else to solve her problem. And today was my only sleep-in day after a really long tiring week, and I was forced to wake up at 7am to monitor her because my parents decided to go out. The reason I have to baby-sit my 50 year old aunty is because she keeps threatening suicide... I'm generally a fairly compassionate person but I can see RIGHT THROUGH her act. She's only antidepressants and acts as though they've changed her personality completely... I've taken the same pills before and it DOES NOT HAVE THAT EFFECT. Even my parents and all of her friends think it's a show, but we can't exactly kick her out now. GRRRR... sorry... I just had to vent that.

Re: Just venting... sorry I had to do it
Posted by KAT on Sun Oct 7 18:38:00 2001 (#10778)

Hi I need to vetn to I gotta let this stuff out that i cant say to the person i really wanna say it to ..so Ill just post it here for all of you. ( by the way Maggie, sorry about your situation) ok so here I go... Im sooo pissed offf at you C***. gOD! your a fucking liar everything you say is pure shit...and you fucking know it. Okay I cant beliee you would have sex w/ me after we broke up and you knew i loved you and you were fucking around w/ B*****. gOD....youve ruined everything..dont you think youve done enough damage. You stupid fucker.brandi doesnt like you get it through your fucking head and i dont ever wanna talk to you again, I hate you!!!!!!i just really cant believe you did that, It makes me hate you even more then I did before this summer started. how can you say you cared and you missed me, do you think im stupid>? You know Brandi tells me everything you say you fuckin faget. she told me you said to her well what else did you want me to say, if you didnt mean it dont say it. I hate you...as far as Im concered your out of my life. W/o you everything would of been fine and you just had to come and fuck it alll up.

I didnt try nd kill myself BECAUSE of you, you just triggered it w. your ignorance you fucker....so go to helll!

aw.I feel better now thanks guys for letting me get that out. Love ya

I fucked up...
Posted by KAT on Sun Oct 7 18:21:19 2001 (#10776)

5 months 6 days like a million hours Ive been sober and I fucked it all up. and worse I drove drunk...with 4 other friends in the car. I feel horrible I put all our lifes in jeopardy and damnit I feel like shit. and yet again I can feel myself heading down that dark spiral to nothingness....will this ever go away? will I ever be ok? fuck no I wont.... anyway..love you all-KAT

Kat..you are not alone we all fuck up sometime
Posted by Dawn on Mon Oct 8 00:11:48 2001 (#10780)

I was young for a long time, now I'm bordering on old, and I fuck up still. I don't drink like I used too, I don't do street drugs, I don't have to, now I'm on medication that wastes my butt.

Driving drunk is a very bad thing. I know because for 7 years I was afraid my ex would kill someone else or himself, then one night a police officer came to the travel trailer we were living in and informed me my husband (at the time) had been in an accident and was in the hospital. Two weeks later the doctors amputated his legs below the knee, a week later they removed a little more, a week later they were talking about taking off his knees. I made the decision to have him flown to southern California to a plastic surgeon who had worked on our second daughter who had been born with a clef-lip. Luckily the plastic surgeon did not have to take his knees. He was only 26 when he had the accident and I was 24 with three children all under the age of 4 years old.

Yeah, Bob fucked up BIG TIME, but even then his life went on, our lives went on.

Kat I know how hard it is to be young. I really was young and naive once. and for a very long time but I don't mess up so much anymore.

I have learned through my life experiences that most of the time I messed up was when I was begging and trying to manipulate someone into loving me and being true to me. And when things didn't go as I wanted them to go I got angry and in my anger I drove drunk, I beat my kids for being annoying, I even had an affair. But life went on and I had to deal with the ERRORS IN JUDGEMENT I made.

We are all as humans subject to act on impulses triggered by our emotions, and we all get held accountable for the choices we made. Most of the time it is natural conscequences, and if we accept them without fighting against them or beating ourselves up for them, the experience and the conscequences help us to grow in wisdom and in character.

My biggest ? is why are you chasing after someone who has proven not to be loyal, trustworthy, or truthful. And another? Is why did you put other ppls lives at risk over him.

And remember advise and opinions are not ground in stone. You can take parts or pieces and throw the rest away. Love and hugs...Dawwn

Re: Thanks
Posted by KAT on Mon Oct 8 01:22:09 2001 (#10781)

Thanks Dawn, I really appreciate you taking the time to read my post and answer so indepth. I reallly doo appreciate it, I know we all mess up I just cant believe I messed up like that. I didnt MEAN to put everyones life in danger but my friend was more drunk then I was so she asked me to drive and so I gladly excepted you know.. also this boy in which i loved and in which broke my heart and beat me up.....godamn I hate him , yet I cant stand not to be around him. Its like beating a dead horse, nothings gonna change... I have strong will these days though, so thanks again! dawn love ya much- *hugs*KAT

Tears
Posted by Angelica on Sun Oct 7 21:19:16 2001 (#10779)

I'm sitting here staring at my computer screen, and a as I type, tears are rolling down my cheeks. It doesn't matter what I do, they won't stop. I have so much horrible stuff going around in my head. Most of it about my dad and I just don't know how to deal with it. I need to talk, but there's no one there. Not even my boyfriend is there. I need a hug. I need someone to tell me it's going to be alright. I need someone to help me. Love 'n' blood soaked tears xxx

Re: Tears
Posted by the boy in the bubble on Mon Oct 8 11:12:57 2001 (#10784)

i'll give you a hug. things do get better - eventually. just keep with us

Re: Tears
Posted by emm on Mon Oct 8 22:01:32 2001 (#10799)

Angelica. no matter how alone you may feel, always firstly remember that i am here for you no matter what and i always will be. i know how you feel. we all need a hug and a bit of reasurance evey now and then, but for some like you and me its not so easy. i dont know what i can do other than offer my support on line. i hope you find someone to talk to in the flesh. lots of *HUGS* Emma***

crying
Posted by *Poison on Mon Oct 8 02:24:21 2001 (#10782)

i don't know what it is,but lately everything makes me cry. even movies that usually would never make anyone cry. i can just be sitting in my room and start crying, talking to a friend...EVERYTHING! i've even been so stressed out at school that they made me drop a class. i've been having nervous breakdowns over litle things like not getting my homework done. i'll just flip out and not be able to controll myself...i don't know if it is because i haven't been cutting as much lately or what, buti don't like it. ...but now that i cleaned my room i found 2 more razors i din't even know i owned, so...i'll probably be better...i dunno...sorry, just had to say that. i don't have many people to talk to lately because Will..the person i am like in love with, and i are spending some time apart...and i don't know of this is a good thing or a bad thing..but i just hope that he is happy..and the only other friend that i can talk to anymore i my friend PJ and he's too self consumed....

~KoKo~

just wondering . . .
Posted by Sharon on Mon Oct 8 03:15:05 2001 (#10783)

Hey everyone, I know many people on this board have eating disorders and I was wondering if anyone knew any good websites about them. I'm really trying to beat my anorexia and I thought it might help. Thanks.

hugs,

Sharon

sport (we're going to korea)
Posted by the boy in the bubble on Mon Oct 8 11:56:30 2001 (#10785)

something really nice happened at work for once. we had the radio on for England vs Greece and we knew that the germans had drawn. all we needed was a goal in the last two mins of injury time. there were seven people in the room with me plus everyone upstairs and when Beckhams goal went in we leaped up ran around the warehouse cheering sport brings people together so well it's unreal i felt part of a group at that point i've gone five days witout cutting wish me luck

Re: sport (we're going to korea)
Posted by jes on Mon Oct 8 14:39:03 2001 (#10789)

You're right, sport is a great way to bring ppl together, i was working in a pub collecting glasses when the match was on, (u can imagine the atmosphere!!) and when we scored it was like nothing on earht, you've got grown men hugging each other, some of these men i know can't stand each other but for a few moments they were friends, everyone was everyone else's friend, and it was great. good luck with the cutting :-) love jes xx

it hurts so good
Posted by *lost girl* on Mon Oct 8 11:57:23 2001 (#10786)

life is so mixed up at the moment. im about to sit exams and ive done zero study. and for some reason i dont even care. my best friend is suffering horribly. a fuckn bastard the same age as us raped her 6 months ago. no one else knows. shes too scared to tell her counsellor. this guy is going to be head boy next year. hes the school "role model", hes smart, arty, 17 going on 43. no one would ever, EVER suspect him to do this. or believe it. i hate him so much. the scary part is, he used to b my friend. im cutting more and more. i want the pain but i dont want the scars. i want to hurt myself right now, but im trying not to because its almost summer and im already having probs with short sleeves. im angry and my head is too full. i want to heal my friend from her ordeal and i want this guy to pay forever. life is so cruel sometimes.

She told you. That was the first step in healing
Posted by Dawm on Tue Oct 9 08:52:36 2001 (#10804)

I'm glad that you are a good friend to this girl and that she felt she could confide in you. There is a book, called "I NEVER CALLED IT RAPE" by Robin Warshaw. I read it a few years ago. It made me feel better to know it was really rape I experienced. Before that I thought many of my experiences were rape but wasn't sure. Now I keep the book for the times I begin to question things.

It is sad that we live in a society that criminal are assumed innocent just because they are big men on campus, or the hold high offices, or a host of places of honor and we are silenced because we feel we cannot win a fight with them in courts.

But we are not powerless. We do not have to remain victims, we survived and we keep going forward, therefore they have not won.

It is very important that she lets him know she told someone, she doesn't have to say who, just that she had. It will put a little fear into him. And you know even if it seems no one will believe her she would do well to file an official complaint, because it might help to bring other complaints to the surface from other victims who like her felt she could not prove it. Silence keeps these guys feeling above the law. Someone needs to hold him accountable, no matter who he is. Spoken from one who knows Love and Hugs Dawn

Wow
Posted by Fran on Mon Oct 8 13:25:40 2001 (#10788)

it's great to know some old names, of corse I remeber you Nicke, and Sharon and Amanda. It's been so long like I said before so you must tell me all the news, all your news how are you getting on. Wow isn't it amazing just how many people have posted over the weekend!!!. Today is a better day, I'm throwing myself into college work. The last week was pretty awful, I cut again and I felt awful...that ones a long story. I'm feeling a bit fragile too. Does anyone else ever feel that way? really weak and fragile. I hope all the other people can introduce themselves to me over the next few weeks. Love Always Frannyxxx 'I believe that I can be happy, summer will come again, I could be happy, oh stop your crying you make me happy'- from 'heaven tonight'by Hole

Re: Wow
Posted by Nuni on Mon Oct 8 18:39:59 2001 (#10792)

Franny, it was nice talking to you. What a relief to know that you are okay. Your roommates sound like they are nice. I have been doing alright. I think I am bringing this drama on all on my own. That sends me down to feeling shitty. Huge HUGS!! Nuni

To Fran
Posted by Nicke on Mon Oct 8 19:58:22 2001 (#10794)

Well you wanted to know how I am doing so I will tell you.

I stopped cutting in March and except the occasional urge to do so I think I have mastered it, it feels BRILL!!!

I stopped cutting when I came out of hospital and realised that I was not only hurting myself but others around me as well.

I started taking drugs and was pretty heavily into them for a time but am getting clean now!!!!

I still see a councellor but I think tommorrow will be my last session. WHOOPEE!!!!

I started college doing 4 A-levels. Psych, Sociology, Law and Religion.

So if I am doing so well then why do I need to come back? Well I remembered that the board did so much for me so I wanted to come back and give something back to the board.

I still have my bad days but they are not nearly as bad as my bad days used to be so I am grateful.

I am just easing myself in amongst the other members at the moment, I supposed you could say I was just lurking.

N E way glad to hear from you and give me an update of your life in the last 6 months of so since we last chatted.

Stay strong, Nicke. XXX

TO Nuni and Nicke
Posted by Fran on Tue Oct 9 17:49:37 2001 (#10815)

Dear Nuni Please don't feel shitty especially because of me. You are so good and kind to me and you care about me. I'm not used to it it feels strange , I feel guilty. Take care of yourself, you are very important VERY VERY and the nicest person. I owe you a house warming card too. Yeah my flatmates are okay, I'm not sure I can trust them yet but thats another story I will email you soon. Nicke: I AM SO SO SO PROUD OF you. You're really strong, a wonderful example. Getting over the guilt and the hurt and pain (although it doesn't completely go away). I wish I could hug you now. If you ever want to discuss psychology, I would love to I'm doing it at college- I love it. I will email you with my news. I'm just so happy for you girl. What a star. speak really soon Love Fran

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